Are there any jokes in Tanach?

Question: Are there any examples of actual jokes in Tanach? Please provide sources.
Comment: An angel, an angel and an angel walk into a tent. One says to the host: "Your wife is going to have a kid!" Hahahahahaha
Comment: At my shul growing up once Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan came to speak. One of the congregants asked him after davening, "Rabbi, are there any jokes in the torah?" Without blinking he said, "Yes, but they're all old."
Comment: There are _nevuos_ with plays on words. If that qualifies.
Comment: And I'm collecting those puns at [this question](http://judaism.stackexchange.com/q/21907/70).
Comment: See: http://judaism.stackexchange.com/a/17493/1569
Comment: There are _many_ examples of puns.
Comment: You can improve this post by defining the term "actual joke".
Comment: Not in Tanach, but Midrash B'reshis has a wonderful story about young Avram who destroys all but one of the idols in his father's shop, and tells his father that the remaining idol killed the others after a dispute.
Comment: one of my rabbeim had a sefer called "sechok pinu", full of jokes and sarcasm found tenach till present day. I think it was writen by a maskil though.
Comment: I think it's really funny that Pharaoh's height was 1 cubit.
Comment: The entire story of King Solomon is a joke.
Answer: In the Haftorah of Parshas Ki Sisa (Malachim Aleph 18:20-39) when Eliyahu is on Har HaCarmel and he is waiting for the priests of Baal, he watches them as they pray to their god to rain fire upon their sacrifice. When none is forthcoming, Eliyahu tells them (18:27)

"Call with a loud voice, for he is a god. [Perhaps] he is talking or he is pursuing [enemies] or he is on a journey; perhaps he is sleeping and will awaken".

I have always been under the impression that Eliyahu was poking fun at them rather than suggesting a real option. So perhaps Eliyahu we see at least had a sense of humor. (Although I'll wager that the priests of Baal didnt find it half as funny!!!)
Comment: And "he is on a journey" is literally "the path is to him", which many interpret as "he's in the bathroom!"
Comment: Some says that Baal may refer to hercules. Hercules is often on journey.
Comment: @user4951 That's a bit anachronistic. Greek culture didn't really form until quite some time after this incident; I find it hard to believe that Ba'al could be a Greek god.
Answer: There is an excellent book by Yehuda Radday and Athalya Brenner, entitled On Humor and the Comic in the Hebrew Bible (JSOTS Series; Continuum International Publishing Group, 1990). I don't have a copy on hand, so I cannot provide you with the relevant page numbers, but the sorts of issues that they explore are whether or not, and to what extent, Jonah is a parody and Esther is a parody, whether or not there is scatological humour in such passages as Ehud's assassination of the fat Moabite king, and so on. For passages within the Torah in particular, I seem to remember them mentioning situational humour (such as when Pharaoh's magicians demonstrate their prowess by making the plagues worse), and puns. That last one is important, since it underscores the fact that humour isn't necessarily that which makes you laugh.
To my mind, the most beautiful example is one found outside of the Torah, in the book of Samuel. When we meet Saul, we are told that he is exceptionally handsome and very tall. On his way to find the seer, Samuel, he encounters a group of young girls drawing water from a well. (Almost every book I've ever seen on the Hebrew Bible as literature mentions the trope of 'boy meets girl at well'). When Saul asks them about the location of the seer, they respond with the most syntactically awkward conglomeration of phrases, anticipating and repeating one another in confusion. Rather than suppose that we are looking at a corrupted text (as some have, historically, supposed), it makes greater sense to suggest that the author is representing the sound of a group of young girls speaking over one another in order to answer the handsome stranger.
For the Torah in particular, one of my favourite examples (and one not mentioned in Radday and Brenner's book) is the response of Cain to his punishment. He is already singled out as being arrogant (his statement in 4:13 can be read as both an expression of anguish and a rhetorical question: "Is my crime too great to be forgiven!?"), so it is unsurprising that after being condemned to a life of vagrancy he goes and settles himself elsewhere and founds a city.
The specific punishment that God gave him was that he be "נע ונד" (a wanderer and a vagabond) upon the earth - 4:12. Both of those words are participles, which means that they can be read as verbs (wander, move back and forth) or as nouns (one who wanders, etc). The land in which Cain settles himself after receiving this punishment is Nod - formed off the participle of נד! In other words, it would be like somebody being told they must be "a wanderer", so settling in a land called "Wander".
As to whether or not these are viable examples, and as to whether or not they reside in the minds of interpreters, you should look at Radday and Brenner's book. There is good evidence either way, and anybody who wishes to treat the Bible as literature needs to consider the sorts of difficulties inherent in ascertaining genre and intent, given the length of time between its composition and today, the foreignness of the culture that produced it, and the fact that it is written in a language that is no longer spoken.
Postscript

I was going to add a second answer, now that people are actually
  providing more in the way of specific examples, but I figured I'd add it to
  this one instead. This is an example of humour in Tanakh that I didn't
  mention - one that I personally find very funny, and which I think is
  continually mistranslated. It can be found in 1 Samuel 15:32-33, and constitutes the (rather grisly) execution of Agag, king of Amalek.
When Agag is brought before Samuel, his "famous last words" are to
  declare that, אכן סר מר המות. This is translated by JPS as "Ah, bitter
  death is at hand!" - although they note that the Hebrew is apparently
  uncertain. Artscroll, similarly, translates it as "Alas, the
  bitterness of death approaches", the NRSV has "Surely this is the
  bitterness of death", and so too several other translations.
Myself, I would read סר as a masc. sg. participle of סור ("turn
  aside"), its referent being מר המות. My translation, therefore, would
  render this as the hapless and ironic observation that "At least the
  bitterness of death has passed!" Agag, you couldn't be more wrong.
Comment: I had to fight myself not to insert some *like, totally OMG!*s in that quote.
Comment: Just for those who haven't seen it -- the Samuel passage is I Samuel 9:12-13.  In English it sounds something like this: *Indeed he's ahead; hurry up now because he's arriving today because there's a sacrifice today for the people at the altar when you reach the city that's when you'll find him before he'll go the altar to eat, because the people won't eat until he arrives because he'll bless the sacrifice, after that the attendees will eat; and now go because today is when you'll find him!* (You want to say "girls, stop and breathe!")
Comment: Chazzal said they were only yapping that much so they could stare at his beauty.
Comment: @user6591 different opinions in Chazal: to look at his beauty, or because it was not yet Shaul's time to be king, or because women are talkative
Comment: Rav Kook explains here https://he.wikisource.org/wiki/%D7%A2%D7%99%D7%9F_%D7%90%D7%99%D7%94_%D7%A2%D7%9C_%D7%91%D7%A8%D7%9B%D7%95%D7%AA_%D7%96_%D7%9C%D7%93
Answer: I know two:
I Shmuel 15:14:

וַיֹּאמֶר שְׁמוּאֵל, וּמֶה קוֹל-הַצֹּאן הַזֶּה בְּאָזְנָי, וְקוֹל הַבָּקָר, אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי שֹׁמֵעַ
And Samuel said: 'What meaneth then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the oxen which I hear?'

Shemot 4:2:

וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו יְהוָה, מזה (מַה-זֶּה) בְיָדֶךָ; וַיֹּאמֶר, מַטֶּה
And the LORD said unto him: 'What is that in thy hand?' And he said: 'A rod.'
Comment: Hashem tells Moshe that that is a Mazeh in his hand. And Moshe corrects Hashem and says, no, **Mateh**.
Comment: @msh210 [Someone did indeed](http://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/5247/what-is-your-favorite-passuk/5253#5253)
Comment: I like the first one, but I tried unsuccessfully to figure out the second one. Could you explain it?
Comment: So we have מזה and מטה. What happened to מחה? It got erased, of course.
Comment: I think the second is a better fit for [this question](http://judaism.stackexchange.com/q/21907/5).
Comment: Someone's mentioned the _ume_ one on this site already, but I can't find it now.
Comment: I was sure the second one was a Yankees joke
Comment: I don't about Tanach but I saw in a sefer once that we see that Chazal had a good  sense of humor. How? Because they tell us in the Gemara that "talmidei chachomim marbim shalom ba'olam."
Answer: I've always thought that Yosef was making a joke when interpreting the baker's dream.
He first tells the butler:

ישא פרעה את ראשך
  Pharaoh will "lift up your head"

meaning, restore him to his position.
He then tells the baker:

ישא פרעה את ראשך מעליך
  Pharaoh will "lift up your head" from on you

an unusual way of saying he'll be hanged. Because of the similarity in wording, Yosef might have been teasing the baker a bit.
Answer: Bereshit 11: men are building a BIG tower to reach heaven, Hashem hears about it and He has to come down to spot it, so minuscule it is.
Answer: Adding to Shimon's answer, we need to consider the virtue of Jewish kvetching. In "Born to Kvetch", Yiddish expert Michael Wex asserts that a unique aspect of Jewish humor, the kvetch, roots in the Torah.
Regarding the nonstop grumbling of the Israelites:

They kvetch about their problems and they kvetch about the solutions. They kvetch in Egypt and they kvetch in the desert. No matter what God does, it's wrong; whatever favor He bestows, they're never enough.
So, for example, the Israelites are on the edge of the Red Sea, with Pharoah and his hosts closing fast behind them. God has been plaguing the Egyptians left and right and has just finished killing every one of their firstborn males. The Israelites are understandably nervous, but there's a big difference between being slightly apprehensive and insulting the agent of your deliverance: "And they said to Moses: 'What? There's no graves in Egypt, you had to take us into the desert to die. ...What did we tell you in Egypt? Get off our backs and let us serve the Egyptians, because serving the Egyptians is better than dying in the desert'" (Exod. 14:11-12).
This sort of thing constitutes what might be called the basic kvetch, the initial declaration of unhappiness that identifies the general area of complaint.

And then there's the counterkvetch:

The Jews want meat instead of the manna that they've been getting? Moses tells them:
  "God's going to give you meat and you're going to eat it. Not one day or two days; not five
  days or ten days or twenty days. But for a month you're going to eat it, until it's coming out of your noses" (Num. 11:19-20).
They get meat, all right--quails, hundreds and hundreds of quails--and for dessert they get a plague.

There are more examples in Wex's book, which centers around Yiddish language and culture. Hope that helps.
Comment: I think we can identify biblical kvetching these days with Jewish humor. Also, I think "until it's coming out of your noses" is pretty solid. They're not pesukim intended for laughter, but they can be read comically.
Comment: How does this answer the question?
Comment: I think part of the jokes of "is there no grave in egypt" is the idea that egypt is famous for its graves. Pyramids are graves, for example. They're effectively saying that the whole point of their deliverance is because because they are so pathetic they don't deserve graves like Pharaohs.
Comment: I believe Rav Hirsch gives the המבלי אין קברים במצרים as the first example of black humor
Answer: The incident in Megillath Esther in which the king finds Haman pleading for his life to the queen and says: (Esther 7:8)

"What, and now you're trying to get at the queen while I'm still in the house?!"

(my own, modernized, rough translation) can probably be seen as a bit of dark humor on the part of the king.
I think it is pretty clear at that point that the king had lost confidence in Haman and had decided to have him killed.  I also think it was unlikely that he seriously suspected that Haman was trying to either attack or seduce Esther in that instance.
Most likely he was just in a (drunken) rage and made the quip that turned out to be very damning, perhaps even more so than he intended it.
Answer: In I Samuel, 21:15-16 Achish the King of Gath jokes that there was no need to bring David, who appeared as a madman to the kings presence. He quips: 'Am I short on crazy people that you need bring this guy to me?'

וַיֹּ֥אמֶר אָכִ֖ישׁ אֶל־עֲבָדָ֑יו הִנֵּ֤ה תִרְאוּ֙ אִ֣ישׁ מִשְׁתַּגֵּ֔עַ לָ֛מָּה תָּבִ֥יאוּ אֹת֖וֹ אֵלָֽי׃
  טז חֲסַ֤ר מְשֻׁגָּעִים֙ אָ֔נִי כִּי־הֲבֵאתֶ֣ם אֶת־זֶ֔ה לְהִשְׁתַּגֵּ֖עַ עָלָ֑י הֲזֶ֖ה יָב֥וֹא אֶל־בֵּיתִֽי
Answer: Elisha didn't tell jokes but at the start of Melachim II 7:1-2, a certain guard of King Jehoram thought he was:
History is that there was famine as Israel had been laid siege by Aram.

1 And Elisha said: 'Hear ye the word of the L-RD; thus saith the L-RD:
   To-morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a
   shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of
   Samaria.'
2 Then the captain on whose hand the king leaned answered
   the man of G-d, and said: 'Behold, if the L-RD should make windows in
   heaven, might this thing be?' And he said: 'Behold, thou shalt see it
   with thine eyes, but shalt not eat thereof.'

This is from the haftarah we read for Parshat Metzora. They will not read it this year in Israel but we will outside of Israel.
Answer: The gemara in Sanhedrin 63b explains the pesukim in Yeashayhu 46:1-2 as a form of leitzanus (mockery,joke) of the avodah zarahas. The passuk makes fun of the idols as though they have uncontrollable bowel movements .
Answer: Just before the 2 angels destroyed Sodom, they asked Lot if he has family members to escape with him.
Bereishis 19:14:

וַיֵּצֵא לוֹט וַיְדַבֵּר  אֶל חֲתָנָיו לֹקְחֵי בְנֹתָיו וַיֹּאמֶר
  קוּמוּ צְּאוּ מִן הַמָּקוֹם הַזֶּה כִּי מַשְׁחִית יְהֹוָה אֶת הָעִיר
  וַיְהִי כִמְצַחֵק בְּעֵינֵי חֲתָנָיו:
So Lot went forth and spoke to his sons-in-law, the suitors of his
  daughters, and he said, "Arise, go forth from this place, for the Lord
  is destroying the city," but he seemed like a comedian in the eyes of
  his sons-in-law.

So if you picture the situation, you'd probably imagine those sons in law laughing their heads off at the thought that those 2 men (angels) would destroy those whole city just like that..
Answer: The Ten Plagues were a kind of joke as written (Exodus 10:2)

"and that you may tell in the hearing of your son, and of your
  grandson, how I made a mockery of the Egyptians and how I performed My
  signs among them, that you may know that I am the LORD"
Answer: Are there any jokes in tanach?
If sarcasm counts as humor:
Isaiah 44:13-17

13 The carpenter stretcheth out his rule; he marketh it out with a line; he fitteth it with planes, and he marketh it out with the compass, and maketh it after the figure of a man, according to the beauty of a man; that it may remain in the house.
14 He heweth him down cedars, and taketh the cypress and the oak, which he strengtheneth for himself among the trees of the forest: he planteth an ash, and the rain doth nourish it.
15 Then shall it be for a man to burn: for he will take thereof, and warm himself; yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread; yea, he maketh a god, and worshippeth it; he maketh it a graven image, and falleth down thereto.
16 He burneth part thereof in the fire; with part thereof he eateth flesh; he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire:
17 And the residue thereof he maketh a god, even his graven image: he falleth down unto it, and worshippeth it, and prayeth unto it, and saith, Deliver me; for thou art my god.
Answer: I think that the answer that King Solomon gave to his mom with regard to his brother's request to obtain Abishag the Shunamite, speaks for itself about Shlomo's sense of humor, and sarcasm.
I Kings 2:21-22:

וַתֹּ֕אמֶר יֻתַּ֖ן אֶת־אֲבִישַׁ֣ג הַשֻּׁנַמִּ֑ית לַאֲדֹנִיָּ֥הוּ
  אָחִ֖יךָ לְאִשָּֽׁה׃ וַיַּעַן֩ הַמֶּ֨לֶךְ שְׁלֹמֹ֜ה וַיֹּ֣אמֶר
  לְאִמּ֗וֹ וְלָמָה֩ אַ֨תְּ שֹׁאֶ֜לֶת אֶת־אֲבִישַׁ֤ג הַשֻּׁנַמִּית֙
  לַאֲדֹ֣נִיָּ֔הוּ וְשַֽׁאֲלִי־לוֹ֙ אֶת־הַמְּלוּכָ֔ה כִּ֛י ה֥וּא אָחִ֖י
  הַגָּד֣וֹל מִמֶּ֑נִּי וְלוֹ֙ וּלְאֶבְיָתָ֣ר הַכֹּהֵ֔ן וּלְיוֹאָ֖ב
  בֶּן־צְרוּיָֽה׃
And she said: 'Let Abishag the Shunammite be given to Adonijah thy
  brother to wife.' And king Solomon answered and said unto his mother:
  'And why dost thou ask Abishag the Shunammite for Adonijah? ask for
  him the kingdom also; for he is mine elder brother; even for him, and
  for Abiathar the priest, and for Joab the son of Zeruiah.'
Answer: If irony counts as humor, the Parshios of Yetzias Mitzrayim are full of irony.
I have 2 verses corroborate what I'm saying:
The first verse is talking directly about the Exodus experience:  אֲשֶׁר הִתְעַלַּלְתִּי בְּמִצְרַיִם That I made a mockery of Egypt Exodus 10:2
The 2nd verse is talking about Hashem's response to the nations that attack the Jews in the time of Mashiach, but I think it's fair to learn a parallel from it:
יוֹשֵׁב בַּשָּׁמַיִם יִשְׂחָק אֲדֹנָי יִלְעַג לָמוֹ He Who dwells in Heaven laughs; the Lord mocks them. Tehillim 2:4
Now for the examples:
Pharaoh says to throw all the Israelite baby boys into the river in order to kill the future redeemer. Hashem causes Pharaoh to not only spare the one kid he's after, but actually adopt him and raise him as his own!
Pharaoh hurt the Jews through water in an attempt to outsmart God (see Rashi on "Hava nischakma lo"). His reasoning was that since Hashem promised never to bring another flood, He would be unable to punish him in a manner fitting the crime. Hashem says, sure, I won't bring a flood of water onto dry land - I'll cause you to run headlong into the sea and drown there!
Answer: I always thought the funniest joke in the Torah is coming right up in Vayera --- starting at Bereishit 19:30, with the punchline at verses 37-38.  It seems to me that the story of Lot and his daughters was obviously a (pretty nasty and sick, actually) national joke for Israel/Judah, at the Ammonites' and Moabites' expense. Sure, we're all descendents of Terah, but YOU'RE ALL MAMZERS! Nice way to describe the origins of your neighbors...from the Mouth of G-d by the hand of Moshe!  ...a good reason later on for Ammon and Moab to be tribute-paying subservient peoples, forbidden in the Temple in Devarim 23:4.
Comment: @Jim Thio  I must say I just love reading stuff coming out of that nice active mind of yours!  Shows me that there are still thinking people all over the planet...the points you come up with are definitely ones I never thought of...keep up the good inquisitive work, there's soooo much for us to learn still...
Comment: I like it the humor although Im not sure thats how God meant it! (15 Chars)
Comment: I thought mamzers are kids born out of adultery. Simply because Lot is not marrying her daughter doesn't mean it's mamzers. Also everybody was mating with their own family at that time. Including abe.
Comment: @Jim Thio - a mamzer is the product of adultery or other forbidden relationship, like incest. See some of the questions and answers with the "mamzer" tag for more info.
Comment: But Sarah is Abraham sister? Maybe not that close. Also Mamzer is not well defined during Lot's time. The command against which individuals you shouldn't copulate with is not around yet. Hell, by that definition, we are all mamzer because Seth, Cain, Abel, and their sisters have no one else to breed with and must be screwing up families.
Comment: I am an aspie. So I don't jump to conclusions most neuro typicals take for granted.
Comment: Wouldn't Joseph and Binyamin be mamzerim according to halacha?
Comment: @Cash Cow - How so? Because Leah and Rachael were Jacob's first cousins?
Comment: @Gary because Jacob was married to Leah so should not have been allowed to marry Rachel.
Comment: @CashCow - I don't know how the halacha treats the situation, but good question relating to the scenario... Jacob was betrothed "officially" to Rachael, it seems, so the switch for Leah...complicated things.  Maybe later the Rabbis would've nullified the first marriage because of the deceit?  I'm aware that there's an opinion(at least) that our forbears kept the Torah even before it was given, but this obvious violation of Vayikra 18:18 is an exception to that idea...
Answer: There is reference to a joke in Bereishis:
In the beginning there was nothing, and God made light of it
Answer: for me the best example of a perceived joke, followed by laughter one is when Sarah laughs hearing G-d telling her she will have a child, paraphrasing her answer to G-d is "you've  got to be kidding, at my age!"
Comment: Welcome to Mi Yodeya Michael!
Answer: Here's one: (2 Kings Chapter 9)

"So the young man, even the young man the prophet, went to Ramoth-gilead. And when he came, behold, the captains of the host were sitting; and he said: 'I have an errand to thee, O captain.' And Jehu said: 'Unto which of us all?' And he said: 'To thee, O captain.' And he arose, and went into the house; and he poured the oil on his head, and said unto him: 'Thus saith the LORD, the God of Israel: I have anointed thee king over the people of the LORD, even over Israel. And thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of My servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel. [...] And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her.' And he opened the door, and fled. Then Jehu came forth to the servants of his lord; and one said unto him: 'Is all well? wherefore came this mad fellow to thee?'..."

Yehu is just sitting in his war room, with all the important generals, and some kid prophet-in-training seemingly randomly walks in, takes Yehu to a back room and pour oil on him...and then claims he needs to commit treason against his boss, then just runs out. Finally, the generals see Yehu and ask: "Is all well?" Hmmm...Yehu's head is dripping oil...what do you think?
And another one, in Vayera (Beresheet 20:16):

"And to Sarah he said, "I herewith give your brother a thousand pieces of silver; this will serve you as vindication before all who are with you, and you are cleared before everyone.""

This is after Avimelech finds out Sarah isn't Avraham's sister, at least not in the common understanding of the word (either not a full sister or his niece), yet when he speaks to Sarah, he doesn't refer to Avraham as Sarah's husband but as her brother. More like ""brother"". I've for a long time thought that this is Avimelech making a crack at the situation and that he's practically winking when he's saying this.
Comment: I didn't get the joke
Comment: I thought of it as the equivalent of someone getting a pie in the face, and then someone asking: Are you okay? No, I'm not okay, obviously...but Yehu just sounds bewildered because he was just crowned/anointed king.
Answer: Yirmiyahu 34:17:

Therefore, so says Hashem: you didn't listen to Me to declare freedom, each man to his brother and to his fellow; I hereby declare you free - says Hashem - for the sword, for the plague, and for the famine...

The insertion of "says Hashem" in the middle of a clause builds suspense for the "punch line."
Answer: ירמיהו יג

כֹּֽה־אָמַ֨ר יְהוָ֜ה אֵלַ֗י הָל֞וֹךְ וְקָנִ֤יתָ לְּךָ֙ אֵז֣וֹר
  פִּשְׁתִּ֔ים וְשַׂמְתּ֖וֹ עַל־מָתְנֶ֑יךָ וּבַמַּ֖יִם לֹ֥א תְבִאֵֽהוּ׃
  וָאֶקְנֶ֥ה אֶת־הָאֵז֖וֹר כִּדְבַ֣ר יְהוָ֑ה וָאָשִׂ֖ם עַל־מָתְנָֽי׃
  וַיְהִ֧י דְבַר־יְהוָ֛ה אֵלַ֖י שֵׁנִ֥ית לֵאמֹֽר׃ קַ֧ח אֶת־הָאֵז֛וֹר
  אֲשֶׁ֥ר קָנִ֖יתָ אֲשֶׁ֣ר עַל־מָתְנֶ֑יךָ וְקוּם֙ לֵ֣ךְ פְּרָ֔תָה
  וְטָמְנֵ֥הוּ שָׁ֖ם בִּנְקִ֥יק הַסָּֽלַע׃ וָאֵלֵ֕ךְ וָאֶטְמְנֵ֖הוּ
  בִּפְרָ֑ת כַּאֲשֶׁ֛ר צִוָּ֥ה יְהוָ֖ה אוֹתִֽי׃ וַיְהִ֕י מִקֵּ֖ץ יָמִ֣ים
  רַבִּ֑ים וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יְהוָ֜ה אֵלַ֗י ק֚וּם לֵ֣ךְ פְּרָ֔תָה וְקַ֤ח
  מִשָּׁם֙ אֶת־הָ֣אֵז֔וֹר אֲשֶׁ֥ר צִוִּיתִ֖יךָ לְטָמְנוֹ־שָֽׁם׃
  וָאֵלֵ֣ךְ פְּרָ֔תָה וָאֶחְפֹּ֗ר וָֽאֶקַּח֙ אֶת־הָ֣אֵז֔וֹר
  מִן־הַמָּק֖וֹם אֲשֶׁר־טְמַנְתִּ֣יו שָׁ֑מָּה וְהִנֵּה֙ נִשְׁחַ֣ת
  הָאֵז֔וֹר לֹ֥א יִצְלַ֖ח לַכֹּֽל׃ וַיְהִ֥י דְבַר־יְהוָ֖ה אֵלַ֥י
  לֵאמֹֽר׃ כֹּ֖ה אָמַ֣ר יְהוָ֑ה כָּ֠כָה אַשְׁחִ֞ית אֶת־גְּא֧וֹן
  יְהוּדָ֛ה וְאֶת־גְּא֥וֹן יְרוּשָׁלִַ֖ם הָרָֽב׃

Yirmiyahu 13
Thus the LORD said to me: "Go buy yourself a loincloth [technically, underwear] of linen, and put it around your loins, but do not dip it into water."
So I bought the loincloth in accordance with the LORD's command, and put it about my loins.
And the word of the LORD came to me a second time:
"Take the loincloth which you bought, which is about your loins, and go at once to Perath and cover it up there in a cleft of the rock."
I went and buried it at Perath, as the LORD had commanded me.
Then, after a long time, the LORD said to me, "Go at once to Perath and take there the loincloth which I commanded you to bury there."
So I went to Perath and dug up the loincloth from the place where I had buried it; and found the loincloth ruined; it was useless.
The word of the LORD came to me:
Thus said the LORD: Even so will I ruin the overweening pride of Judah and Jerusalem.
Compering the destruction of Israel pride to useless underwear is funny, making the prophet buy underwear, go for a hike and wait for a long time just for the punch makes it hilarious!!!
Answer:
כזוַיִּבְרָא אֱלֹהִים | אֶת הָאָדָם בְּצַלְמוֹ בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים בָּרָא אֹתוֹ זָכָר וּנְקֵבָה בָּרָא אֹתָם
27 And God created man in His image; in the image of God He created him;
  male and female He created them.

God must have a sense of humor.  =)
Answer: Yes. The life of King Solomon was a joke. That is to say, that the Bible has irony and that a careful reading of Solomon's life will show that he was not truly wise, even though he thought he was.

Are there any jokes in Tanach?


Do players lose a point in a game on purpose as part of strategy?

Question: In a game of tennis (singles), are there any strategies where players lose a point (and thereby, a game) voluntarily so that it benefits them in the long run - like say, a serving first on the next set if it is going to be an uphill task to come back and win the current set or say, the advantage of serving from a different side as part of the new set?
Comment: From Wikipedia - [Glossary of tennis terms](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_of_tennis_terms#T): tank: To lose a match because of poor mental game; or to purposely lose a non-vital set, so as to focus energy and attention on a match-deciding set.
Comment: Kyrgios clearly tanked a game in the second set against Gasquet today. But it seemed to be mostly from frustration: Nick Kyrgios gives up entirely during game against Richard Gasquet at Wimbledon (BTW he lost the match in four sets.)
Answer: As a tennis player (and competitor), I'll first and foremost say that no professional Tennis player will ever admittedly throw a game.
Throwing a point is never beneficial, and throwing a game early in the set is likewise worthless. That being said, the only time it would be "strategic" to throw a game is if you were down 2 breaks (essentially 5-1) in a set and knew you would be better served physically and psychologically by starting a new set and conserving energy.  The problem here is that it would only be a benefit if you maintained your lead in sets, e.g. went from 2-0 to 2-1, which would mean this would be a Grand Slam event, which only further fuels the motivation to not throw the set at all.  In Masters series events or other "best of 3 sets", losing a set is always a bad thing as your opponent will have momentum going into their potential final set.
Comment: Tennis is one thing. [Badminton](http://espn.go.com/olympics/summer/2012/badminton/story/_/id/8221408/2012-london-olympics-eight-badminton-players-disqualified-trying-lose-matches) however...
Answer: To add to Devin's answer - sometimes professional players will also be happy with the result of a point even if they don't win the point. For example, Andre Agassi was well known for running his opponents ragged. By the 2nd or 3rd set his opponents would be so tired from Agassi's shots running them back and forth that it made it much easier for Andre to close out the match by being the fresher player at the end. His 2005 U.S. Open QuarterFinal match against James Blake is a good example of that style of play. Some players know their opponents don't have the best endurance so they will throw in more drop shots knowing they might not win the point, but the goal is more to tire out the opponent than win the point.
Generally there isn't too much advantage you can take in tennis other than perhaps serving first and getting (and maintaining) a lead. So if you are confident you can hold serve and can serve first, it is generally a good strategy. Keep in mind that tennis rules try to make all things as equal as possible in a match - changing sides of the court, switching which side you serve from each point, new balls after 9 games, tie-break rules and lines people all contribute to that fairness.
Answer: It wouldn't be beneficial to throw any points or lose in any game except gambling.In gambling you lose your first game to show the other that you are a weak competitor and motivate the other to put all the money in next round and just showing your ability you would win.
Comment: hey sunil-I am seeing that you are neither  accepting answer nor post any comment. do you want anything else ?


Cooking with chronic fatigue

Question: Anyone know of any good resources for cooking recipes/methods/tools for people with a medical condition that causes chronic fatigue? I'm relying too much on convenience foods and 'tv dinners', because frequently the effort of cooking a decent meal is beyond my energy limits at the end of the day.
Answer: I also have neurological disorders that cause symptoms similar to chronic fatigue. Here are a few tricks that have helped me with cooking dinner:

Make sure your kitchen is set up in an efficient organized way. Keeping your kitchen well organized is key to reducing the time you spend cooking.  Take your limitations into account when organizing your kitchen.  For instance, if bending down flares up your symptoms, keep the items you use the least in the lower cabinets.
Purchased pre-chopped veggies
Use tin foil / parchment paper on cookie sheets and casserole dishes as much as possible.  This will limit clean up.
Try sitting as much as possible while cooking. Here is a stool that rolls around.
As alluded to in other responses, try recipes that allow you to prepare much of the meal ahead of time - while you have more energy.
Look for recipes where the majority or all of the cooking is in the oven as opposed to over the stove.  While the cook times may be similar, you can take a load off if you are primarily using the oven.
Once every 3 months I cook up (in the oven) and shred a 'big buy' of chicken and store it in the freezer. I use the cooked meat for risottos, soups, pasta dishes that call for cooked chicken.
Finally, here is a resource for quick recipes: allrecipes
Answer: A quick and relatively effort free method of cooking is the electric steamer. It's simplicity itself to cook a salmon fillet, some baby new potatos and a selection of veg (which you could purchase pre-chopped for those days when you're really flagging) and then sit and wait for it to cook.
The other advantage of steaming is that you loose less of the nutrients than through boiling so that should help you a little bit as well =)
Answer: A slow cooker is helpful in that you can plop in vegetables and meat in the morning and let it cook all day so when you get home, dinner will be ready.  It doesn't take much effort to get great meals that way and there are tons of recipes on the internet.  I use mine often and I don't even work.  They aren't expensive to buy.
Answer: Having a wife with CF, I can appreciate your difficulty.  You have the combination of not being able to put the effort into cooking, and the decreased ability to handle food with poor nutritional content (like most TV dinners).
One thing I do is to always cook about about double what we need for a meal and then either refrigerate or freeze the leftovers in meal-sized portions.   Otherwise, we try and have healthy foods easily available for snacking - pre-washed spinach, good hearty bread, nuts, etc...
Answer: Quinoa salad is easy and doesn't take a lot of effort. Cook the quinoa like rice - twice as much water as quinoa and then bring to a boil, turn it down to a simmer for about 15 minutes covered. Then toss that with whatever veggies you have on hand - I love it with tomatoes, cucumber, feta and olives for a "greek" twist.
Then you dress with either bottled dressing or vinegar/lemon juice and olive oil. Versatile and its even better the second day.
Answer: Get a good blender.  Blending food is a way to make quick drinks and soups.  There are tons of quick recipes online.  Vegetable drinks require just a quick rinse and minimal chop.  Same with fruit smoothies.  Yogurt smoothies are easy.  A good blender will even heat a soup just from blending it for 5-10 minutes on high.  You can even add (cooked) meats, eggs, or other proteins to the mix.
The obvious advantage is no pans, no cooking, minimal prep and cleanup. On the gustatory side, I'm not trying to recommend a bland, geriatric, babyfood diet.  Blended foods can be well-seasoned and taste great.  Add oil, onions, spices, salt, pepper to savory dishes.  Honey, cinnamon, vanilla to smoothies.  Lemon juice, lime juice, even condiments can add zip.
A big blended drink or soup with a hunk of toasted whole grain bread and butter is an easy and delicious combo.  You could make bulk amounts and easily save leftovers.
Plus, it's fun to experiment, and doesn't require too much hassle or expertise.
It's well outside the scope of this site, but blending foods makes them easier to digest.  Complete speculation, but I bet that easier nutrient absorption would be good for CFS.
There are some commercial products: the Vitamix, Montel William's blender, the Juiceman juicer which target some of these goals.  I find a regular blender works great, though it obviously doesn't remove fiber (like a juicer, not always a good thing anyway), and you have to cut you food a little smaller if it's a lower powered machine.
Answer: Aside from the main discussion point of this article (why it's okay for men to eat salads), the author does mention an interesting technique - they pre-chop all the ingredients needed for a salad when they have time, like on the weekends, and store them in individual containers.  When they want to make salads, it's a pretty quick matter to pull out a few containers, grab some lettuce, toss ingredients+dressing, and have a nutritious meal ready to go.
Some other authors (I'm thinking specifically of Tosca Reno, of "Clean Eating" fame) recommend a similar technique: when she's cooking chicken breasts, she typically grills a few extra to use over the next day or two.
I'd also +1 the quinoa suggestion above - quinoa is a pretty quick way to pack in a hearty and healthy meal quickly.  You can also cook quinoa in the microwave - I haven't mastered the technique (how long to cook, water ratio, etc.), but it's usually around 5 minutes.

Cooking with chronic fatigue


Who is your favorite VPS Provider?

Question: Who is your favorite virtual hosting provider? I'm looking for your thoughts on SliceHost, Dreamhost VPS, Linode, 1and1 VPS, etc and why you like the particular provider you named.
Thanks!
Answer: I would have to say Linode. Linode is built on Xen and has a great management AJAXy interface.
You can partition your hard drive directly on the web and install a different OS on each partition, boot one or the other. Of course, re-install whenever you want without filing a ticket.
They also provide a serial console that you can access through SSH or through-the-web (hence the AJAXy part).
They provide DNS service, in case you need it.
Their support is quite good and they have forums and an IRC chat where you can often get good answers.
Or if you can speak German host-europe.
Comment: Not sure if I would appreciate AJAXy experience on something like cPanel. I would rather have the comfort of knowledge that changes are made when I click on Submit.
Answer: I like Slicehost a lot.  Although their prices aren't the best for what you get, they aren't bad, and the service is wonderful.  There is nothing worse than going with a discount-bin host, and then having a problem, and finding their service staff is unresponsive.
Comment: Yep. my uptimed reports > 1 year uptime with slicehost - and excellent pro-active support. That's priceless!
Comment: They are very transparent. I like that.
Answer: I vote for RootBSD, a very reliable FreeBSD hosting provider.
Answer: I like Gandi (but they are in France which may not be the best option for you).
I really like their flexible architecture that let's you add server parts hourly to increase your processing power.
Comment: +1 in regards for Gandi. Myself I'm really satisfied with both their flexibility and reliability.
Answer: I've been using TekTonic for several years, and they have been extremely reliable. Inexpensive, responsive customer service, and a stable environment.
Comment: +1 I've had a VPS with TekTonic for serval years as well and overall they have been very good.
Answer: I've just started a VPS with A2 Hosting.  Don't know how things will be long-term, but support has been great so far.
Comment: A2Hosting is awesome, though I've only used their shared hosting. If they had windows VPS I'd be doing VPS with them too, but unfortunately they are a Linux shop, so I can't do all my hosting with them.
Answer: VPS.NET is a new cloud based VPS provider. It has been fantastic for us so far. Their staff are very helpful and competent. These are the guys behind the uk2group that owns many other service providers.
And you get a bunch of perks: Free DNS management that hooks up with Softlayer's anycast system. Free SSL certs. Free ISPmanager Pro for those that want a simple control panel.
Comment: I've been using VPS.net for a few months they are very good. If anyone fancies trying them out the discount code AV408K should get you 90% discount for the first month.
Answer: I've been a happy customer of Memset for about 3-4 years.  Their support staff know their stuff, their VPS are quite well priced for what you get, and they run on Xen which is extremely stable.  My current VPS with them had an uptime record of 100% throughout 2009.
Oh, and they do Windows VPSs too if that's your thing.
Answer: I like a small startup called LayeredTech.  I have been with them for over 3 years since they first got rolling and they have been superior in every way.
For VPS they call their solutions "The Grid Layer", and have very aggresive pricing.
Answer: I have had really good luck with Media Temple's VPS solution called (dv) Dedicated-Virtual.
Answer: I have been very happy with Linode. Their web interface is a breeze and includes lots of great features such as the web-based serial console, a very clean DNS configuration editor, and snazzy performance graphs. Their prices are low and their uptime high.
Answer: I currently manage over two dozen servers at linode and slicehost. they are both excellent. You will get more for your money at Linode and the support at both companies is superb. I wouldn't trust my data to any other vps provider. (except maybe amazon ec2)
Answer: Havent Used them but Joyent seem to have very good plans. HEAPS of bandwidth. if you can deal with opensolaris they look pretty decent. Anybody has experience?
Answer: I'm using ContextShift. They are based in Amsterdam, and have a nice friendly support system.
Answer: Without a doubt my current VPS provider of choice is Ultima Hosts.
They offer both Hyper-V and Parrallels Virtuozzo hosting at a very good price, their support is awesome and during setup they even loaded Windows Server 2008 R2 for me. I had my sites moved and running within 24 hours.
I highly recommend them to anyone looking for an affordable and stable VPS host.
Comment: do they do linux hosting? it seems it's all windows-based
Comment: I am not sure since I don't use Linux hosting at all. Best would be to e-mail them and check. They are quite quick with responses.
Answer: I've been using BudgetDedicated for the last three and a half years; they're a low cost, no frills, VPS provider.  They've been rock solid (I've seen no unscheduled downtime in that period [*]), I've not had a whole lot of reason to get in touch with them, but when I have, I've had my queries answered quickly by the founder, Erik de Bruijn, or his brother.  They run a low carbon footprint server array, and are a fairly small operation.  Erik is pretty active in the open source and open innovation scenes; BudgetDedicated hosts the Wine .debs, and Erik is involved in the RepRap 3d printing project.
As a general point, if you are in Europe, the Netherlands is a good place to run a web server, because it is close to the main internet line running across to the US.
[*] I should note that the Wine project have seen some outages in that period, four that I know of.  AFAICT, they were all sysadmin issues.
Answer: Performance
This VPS performance comparison by Uggedal compares linode and several other and is worth reading

Who is your favorite VPS Provider?


Why can using a CMS be bad for SEO?

Question: I often hear and read that if you are serious about SEO you should avoid using a CMS.
Are there any credible reasons as to why a CMS can be bad for SEO/Website optimisation?
Comment: Have you got any links to recent articles that say this?
Answer: It's not so much that CMS's are bad for SEO, but that you can achieve better SEO when you have more control over the webpage. And CMS's are made to make it easier to produce websites, often at the same time taking away control over the page construction.
Basic SEO, like search friendly URLs and sitemaps, are nowadays build into most CMS's. But more advanced technologies like microformats and semantic HTML are often more difficult to achieve with a CMS than without one.
However, at the end of the day it's the actual content that's most important for ranking high, not any technical trickery!
Comment: How does a CMS make it more difficult to use microformats and semantic HTML? Anyone serious about web development will use a CMS as trying to maintain a site with any significant amount of content without a CMS is completely impractical.
Comment: I have a CMS that I have rolled out for various clients. Out of the box, it can generate events listings with vCalendar support, so it depends on the CMS.
Comment: A CMS can make it more difficult to use microformats and semantic HTML, because you are dependent in what the CMS offers. If it supports it out of the box, it's great. But if it doesn't, then it can be a lot of work to add yourself. Our CMS for example doesn't, so you have to go into the HTML view, which is both difficult to access and needlessly difficult to edit.
Answer: The only reason I can think of is they may not use search engine friendly URLs. This reason was much more common in the past but nowadays every major CMS is search engine friendly by default or offers the ability to be search engine friendly either by choosing the proper setting or installing a plug in.
Comment: Fair point, so that means most modern CMS systems would be fine?
Comment: They should be. Just be sure they mention search engine friendly URLs in their features or offer a plug in that does it. But I think at this point you'd be hard pressed to find a modern CMS that doesn't offer this.
Answer: Another reason, is that in some cases the links on a CMS make a big mess out of the hierarchical structure of information on the website. It can be fixed, but there are a lot of CMS users who don't care about SEO and just use the defaults -- which are usually not the very best for SEO.
There are some themes and plugins for every CMS that will be very well suited for a great search-engine friendly website, usually the free themes are not it. (but there are exceptions).
The important thing, is to analyze your website, and use your brain to apply best-practices -- and then check if it worked in practice or didn't.
Personal example:
I have a Wordpress blog used as an e-commerce website where most pages are landing pages for a particular product.
When a user gets to such a page I would want to convert him into a buy, and not lose his interest. There are several things that were wrong with the defaults of wordpress blogs I changed.

Categories and tags in wordpress were links, these showed up in Google Analytics as having 10% or more clicks on them -- this beats the purpose of why I brought the user to that page, so I made these non-clickable
Another 10% of users were clicking the title with the shop name.
Another 5% were clicking the Next/Previous post links at the botton instead of the buy button.
The website title was in a <h1> tag, I put the content first title in <h1> instead, with that page keywords in it.
Pages did not have a unique <title> and <meta description> tags, so I installed a plug-in that adds the ability to specify these.

All these things are usually defaults, but for the purpose of my website were bad defaults that did not contribute to convergence rates. All were easy to fix. I regularly inspect Google Analytics and plug any holes that users use to escape my intent of the website.
Maybe for a different website the above tweaks are not required, it all depends on what you need your website to accomplish.
Answer: Depends on the CMS and the theme. Many popular CMS's support friendly URLs and have SEO friendly themes and plugins.
Answer: The main reason is about URLs.
Raw CMS' URLs  aren't friendly, easy to crawl, index, and with relevant keywords.
Of course, as afore mentioned, you can tune those settings or use a plugin or addon to correct that.
Other reasons are about the semantics. I never saw a rich editor with full capabilities to compose even a POSH (plain old semantic html) code, so you can imagine about the really semantic code, with microformats, RDFa or microdata.
By full capabilities on code, I mean the possibility to correct use of tags as caption, code, dt, dl, fieldset, label, and so on.
Thing is, you use a CMS for speed up common publishing. To help you on repetitive tasks. But if you have SEO in mind, you won't start a project with the CMS. You'll start it on a IA session, deciding what put on each page, how sections are related, and getting the sitemap (with URLs) even before the pages actually exists. Then will start designing the page concept, in the most semantic way possibile to ensure the proper indexing.
There is nothing repetitive in this process, and publishing content. Thus, if you really really really serious about (on page) SEO, probably will drop a CMS and adopt other process for creation and deploy.
And this is true not only for CMS. Frameworks also tends to suck even more then CMS when the subject is friendly URLs.
Answer: Hum ... Nevermind what can be read or said about SEO, what counts ? Results. Unfortunately, there are almost more so-caled "SEO gurus" than inhabitants in the USA. It tells you to what extent the answer could be if not wrong, totally diluted or partial.
SEO is a structured science and "savoir faire" that does not rely on the Chaos Theory but rather on Search Engine Algorithms and best practices.
Hence the importance of structuring a website, and a good CMS can help.
There are more and more CMSs proposing SEo features and plug-ins, it proves the interest of CMS companies in the ever growing concern of people about building and running an SEO-friendly site with an SEO-friendly structure and environment.
I would to suggest our readers and webmasters to have a look at an SEO-CMS called SEOTOASTER. No personal interest here, it's free and open-source.
Among other interesting features (SEO or not), this SEO-CMS proposes online editing right off the site and page by page if you wish. When you want to edit the properties of a page, the system allows you to edit and align :

The H1 tag
The URL display
The Browser title display
The title display in the navigation
Page Teaser Text
Keywords
Meta Tags

All of this from a single page.
We were discussing structured SEO, the way this SEO-CMS organizes pages is really made easy through a drag and drop panel (arrange and sort indifferently your pages or categories) from which you can also edit and alter the same Navigation display,  Keywords and H1.
This system also enables the creation of silos of links java scripting out the rest of the site's links.
And much more ...
So it seams that all of these SEO routines might be possible without a CMS. But how long would it take ? How efficient would it be ? How structured would it be ?
I think all CMSs are perfectible of course, but would a restaurant rather wash all its cutlery and plates by hand instead of using a dishwasher because sometimes there are still a few stains on a plate ?
Answer: Hi @BradB - It really depends on your CMS. I won't duplicate what everyone else here has said but I will say that if you use a CMS like WordPress you'll find that not only is it not bad for SEO, you'll probably find that your results are better for SEO with WordPress because so many themes focus on it and so many plugins are available to add features.
With WordPress many of the things you'd want to get around to doing on a custom site are features that are just readily available for free (several great SEO-related plugins) and/or inexpensive use (i.e. commercial themes.)
Why is WordPress so great with SEO when the currently highest voted answer here from Peter says the following?

"It's not so much that CMS's are bad
  for SEO, but that you can achieve
  better SEO when you have more control
  over the webpage. And CMS's are made
  to make it easier to produce websites,
  often at the same time taking away
  control over the page construction."

The reason is WordPress doesn't control the output, the themer does. To theme WordPress (from scratch) you start with a pure HTML-based design and then add in calls back into WordPress' engine. So with WordPress you really do have full control over the webpage and this is a key reason I think so highly of it.
As for the comments from @John Conde and @Dave about URLs, WordPress doesn't currently offer you full control of URLs (without an awful lot of extra word) but the control it does give you is probably 100% sufficient for any SEO concern you might have. (And if nobody else does in the next year, I plan to address that problem too.)
And as for @Evgeny's comments about structure and WordPress, it appears he simply started with a theme that didn't pay attention to SEO but even so WordPress is flexible enough that he was readily about to make the changes he needed.
There may be other CMSes that are similarly flexible but I gravitate to WordPress because it has such a large number of users and hence a huge support base with lots of themes and plugins. So I reject the implication in your question that all CMS are bad for SEO; it's just not true, at least not true for all of them.
Hope this helps.
-Mike
P.S. Full disclosure, I'm an admin for Pro Webmaster's sister site WordPress Answers.

Why can using a CMS be bad for SEO?


Changing domain name - what are the practical steps involved

Question:
Possible Duplicate:
How do I rename a domain and preserve PageRank?

I launched a website a couple of years ago, bright eyed and bushy tailed, with dreams of conquering the world. Unfortunately it wasn't to be. Now, that I am a bit older and wiser, I have spent some money on branding and creating more quality content etc, I am re-branding and relaunching the site with a new domain name.
Although the traffic on the old site is laughable (i.e. non-existent), there are a few pages of good information on there and I don't want to lose any "juice" those pages may have gained because web crawlers have been seeing it for a few years now.
OK, the upshot of all that is this: I want to change my domain name from example.com to example.org. I am maintaining the same friendly urls I had before, only the domain name part of the url will change, so that any traffic coming to the old page will be forwarded/redirected? to the new page seamlessly.
How do I go about achieving this (i.e. what are the steps I need to carry out, and to minimize any "disruption" to any credibility the existing site has with Googlebot etc?
I am running Apache 2.x on a headless Linux (Ubuntu) server.
Answer: Just make sure that example.com redirects to example.org, Apache can be rather easily configured to do this, for example using the following configuration:
<code><VirtualHost *:80>
  ServerName example.com
  Redirect permanent / http://example.org/
</VirtualHost>
</code>
Comment: Turns out this dosen't work. Please see my new question: http://webmasters.stackexchange.com/questions/38451/apache-config-file-redirect-permanent-gives-403-error


automated installs vs. drive imaging

Question: What are the pros and cons of deploying via automated installs vs. drive imaging?  For Windows I know there are issues around SID generation when cloning drives. Are there any similar issues for deploying Linux via an image?
Answer: I disagree with some of the answers here.  If done correctly you can take an Image and load it on multiple systems using different hardware.  Personally I've seen images that support up to 30 different systems.
My answer to your question is to use both methods if you are very anal about the creation of an image.  Create the automated install and then sysprep the result.  This will lead to repeatable, self-documenting images.
Also, if you can write to the disk image in its saved state you can extend what is on the image by including a script that can be run during sysprep.  OR you could backup your system before taking a sysprep and then extend it and take a sysprep after.
I've done both methods with good results.
Regarding SID problems, you should always use Sysprep for a new image (Although NewSID will work), which will resolve any SID issues, However, there are other applications which write GUIDs to the registry which would need to be cleaned.  Off the top of my head Altiris and WSUS are two that do this.
Comment: +1 - Proper imaging can be done for dissimilar hardware.
Answer: Imaging is a losing proposition. A full CentOS kickstart installation should take under 10 minutes. If your install is significantly slower, that's the problem worth investigating.
The problem with imaging is that you have to keep a "golden" copy and update it as you make changes to your build. This means that you still need a mechanism for an unattended installation, and each change requires doing such an installation, changing the image (requiring a mechanism for automated customization for your environment), and making this copy the golden copy. If you are going to make changes directly to your golden copy, then you'll quickly end up with a mess after years of patching, upgrades, etc.
If you must image the systems, then you should image the default build of the OS, and make your postinstall work (local customization) happen separately on each new machine. This way trivial changes to the build won't require rebuilding the golden copy.
If your hardware is not all identical, you can leverage the installer's automated detection/configuration. I've used a virtually identical Kickstart configuration between RedHat/CentOS 3, 4, and 5, and all kinds of hardware.
The worst result of imaging I've ever seen was a system of installing Solaris systems using a golden image (and dd with multipacks). Their installer and patching is so slow that this seemed to make sense. Unfortunately, they make completely changing the hardware of an installed system nontrivial. Each hardware type had its own golden image. A trivial build change would require making a change on dozens of disks. The second-worst was a Windows group imaging machines (again reasonable due to a crippled installer) compared to a Linux group using Kickstart. The Linux group could deploy a change to, say, DNS configuration in a few minutes. (One minute to change the postinstall, then a test build, and then a manual push of the configuration to the existing machines). The Windows group had to boot each golden image, make the change, undo the cruft caused by booting the golden image, then do a test build. (They also had to purchase special tools to automate changes to system configuration on multiple machines, to change the existing machines). The Windows group also had the option of reinstalling the golden image to make their change, but as it was a manual installation of the OS and dozens of applications, it would be slightly different each time requiring weeks of testing and risking the production systems being less identical than otherwise possible.
Note that in both cases the Windows and Solaris setups using a golden image were not handled in the best possible way and some of the choices made by the admins involved belied a lack of competence. But starting with a design that was not reasonable did not help.
Kickstart works so well that there's no reason to even consider doing otherwise (I have a lot of little complaints about it, but it would be a thousand times worse if it was done by imaging machines). If your installation program is something besides Anaconda, and its automated installs are less useful than kickstart, you should consider whether that distribution was really ever intended for enterprise use.
Answer: Drive imaging is faster, but your hardware has to be very similar for it to work. It's also harder to customize the image, you'd need a base image for a web server, email server, etc. With automated installs you can have all machines install from the same network location, but use different scripts depending on what kind of server you want rather then needing to store and create multiple images.
Answer: I can't really comment on the Linux side of things but with Windows I'd say there aren't too many pros for using an automated process over an image.
There is lot of guidance available from Microsoft, here.
The proof is in the pudding. Microsoft now use image based deployments for Vista, Windows 2008 and Windows 7. Using the new tools and process described in the link above you can deploy Windows to any HAL type (including XP), with full driver support and not a huge amount of effort.
Answer: Deploying Windows via images is fully supported by Microsoft using Sysprep to "factory seal" the image before deploying it. Sysprep resets the SID and essentially prepares the image for a new machine.
However, it is highly recommended (unless you are a small company) to have a fully scripted install as well, for a simple reason. Every time you need to update your image, you have two options:
1) Continually modify the existing image and re-sysprep it every time. This will eventually result in problems as you keep patching, modifying and sysprepping the same image over and over.
2) Recreate the image from scratch, which is vastly preferable. However, if you don't have a scripted build, you run the high risk of getting plenty of inconsistencies between builds.
So, in summary:

Use a scripted build to create an image
Use the image for deployment

An additional wrinkle in all this is that Windows Vista, 2008 and 7 all use an image-based install, so the gains of using image-based vs scripted install have disappeared anyway.
Answer: depends on what applications you will install and how long you'll keep the image un-updated.
there is quite a lot of updates coming every month so even after restoring box from image you'd need to upgrade it.
regarding SID - as far as i know it's enough if you generate unique private keys [ for ssh, https, tls eg for smtp/pop3 servers etc ] this should work fine. also unique host name generation would be nice. this might differ depending on distribution, i'm mostly using debian and didnt have any problems cloning virtual machines with that os.
Comment: If you're joining an Active Directory domain, duplicate SIDs will create problems.  Sysprep and NewSID - http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/sysinternals/bb897418.aspx - are easy enough to use, though.
Answer: Check out this question which is very similar:
https://stackoverflow.com/questions/398410/windows-disk-cloning-vs-automatic-installation-of-servers
(I asked it on stackoverflow.com a while ago, when serverfault.com wasn't around).
Answer: Especially if you have disparite hardware I'd suggest automated. For windows look at unattended.
http://unattended.sourceforge.net/

automated installs vs. drive imaging


What would I lose by deleting old Lightroom backup folders?

Question: So I've noticed that the size of my harddisk drive that has the Lightroom backups is decreased dramatically. This is because it contains many Lightroom backups. I've almost 10,000 photos in my catalog. My question is what would I lose if I kept just the last update and deleted the rest? This will save me almost 40GBs. Am I gonna lose the history of photos' editing?
Answer: My personal preference is to keep the most recent backup, the one from the first backup of the current month, and one from the first backup of the current year. So at all times I have 3 backups. Disk space is cheap, and having three backups of my 1GB library isn't a big deal to me. Everything else I trash.
You could just keep the most recent backup, but I have heard of people having a corrupt backup, even though Lightroom checks the integrity of the file before a backup. Personally, I think having more than one backup is just fine, since the tradeoff isn't significantly detrimental to me.
The principle product manager at Adobe - Jack Nack recommends keeping 2-3 library backups here. One opinion isn't the end all especially when it comes to backup strategies, but I think he offers solid advice.
Actually deleting these old backup files isn't going to do anything negative to your current library. Your current working library file has everything that you need for ongoing work. The backups are just that, stand alone files that can be used for recovery purposes in case of corruption or other emergencies. Keep in mind, the older the backup, the less fun it will be to use it in the case of a recovery. But I also believe the older ones may be more stable to some degree.
Answer: Is there some reason you let your catalog grow that large? Export each project as a different catalog when you are done with it and save it with the final rendered DNG/JPEG images.
I have up to 5 projects at a time in my master catalog and I export each one and save it on my archive disk when I'm done with the project. Helps make lightroom run faster too!
Comment: I have 10x the catalog size with no issues. If the user has 40GB of backup files and only at 10k image catalog, I would say they just have way too many backups. Ten thousand images in a database like lightroom is really a non issue.


How do I join two tables on two different instances of DB2?

Question: There are two instances of DB2 running on the same machine. One has a table aliased to the a table in the other one.  Is there a way to do this in DB2 or does it have to be done via an external tool?
This is with an older version of DB2
Answer: The "federation" feature in DB2 will allow you to do what you need.
It's available on the Linux/Unix/Windows version of DB2 - not sure about the mainframe - and there are no licensing issues, it's part of the base product set.
To implement it you only need to create a few extra db objects (wrapper, server mappings, nickname) and you're more or less done.  Follow the documentation and you should be fine.
Cheers.
Answer: you should be able to use the 3 part table name to access the data.
prior to version 9 is was simple, subsystem.qualifier.tablename would get you there, at least on the mainframe.  starting with version 9 you have to perform a bind on each subsystem.
Answer: I would recommend using the DB2 federation feature. Then you would be able to setup a nickname and then use it just like any other table.
Some statements to setup federation I would look at are:
<code>CREATE WRAPPER
CREATE SERVER
CREATE NICKNAME
</code>
Tutorial to Federate Quickly
Publib for all general information about DB2


Share external FAT formatted drive over SMB in Mountain Lion

Question: I have an external drive formatted with FAT32. Is it somehow possible to share it using SMB in Mountain Lion? It appears on the client but with nothing on it. I have read that on older OS X versions, it was possible by editing /etc/smb.conf but is that still relevant? I don't seem to have one of those on my hard drive.
Answer: You don't have to manually edit a configuration file; it's possible to share drives via SMB using the Sharing control panel. Under the File Sharing service, hit the "Options..." button to enable SMB:

This will make your shared folders accessible via SMB to the specified users. It shouldn't matter what the source filesystem is (FAT, HFS, or other) as long as your Mac can access it.
If you don't see any contents from the client, make sure you've added your drive as a shared folder, and that you've given users the appropriate permissions.
Comment: Sorry but id does not share a FAT formatted drive, there are other users experiencing the same problem
Answer: There does not seem to be an answer for this, I went with smbup which "replaces" the Mac OS X SMB with an open source dito. The other option I have seen is to reformat it to a native mac format (but that is not an option for me)


Will there still be yeast leftover for second fermentation after filtration?

Question: I want to filter my beer then put it in the bottles for the second fermentation (aka making the beer fizz). I am worried that I will get rid of all the yeast and end up with flat beer.
Comment: You are right to be worried, assuming the filtration you intend is of sufficient size to remove yeast, of course.  Options would be to not filter, or maybe force-carbonate in a keg, then fill bottles from the keg.
Comment: is it posable to secondary ferment in a carboy to get rid of some of the cloudiness, then have a third fermentation in the bottles to make it fizzy?
Comment: Yes, you can either do a secondary fermentation in a carboy, or just leave it in your primary for a few more weeks.  After it's bottled and carbonated you can cold-crash it, which will get your beer nice and clear (this can take at least a few weeks after bottling).
Comment: Question needs to be reformulated to explain what 2nd fermentation actually is vs carbonation, as well as some of the other good points mentioned here.  Downvoted.
Comment: What is the reason you are wanting to filter? For taste or clarity?
Comment: @Bullet86 I converted your question from an answer to a comment.
Answer: If you are a homebrewer, I would recommend avoiding any sort of filtration when bottling or kegging until you're a very advanced brewer. You will need to force carbonate if you filter.
If you are simply trying to get rid of some of the cloudiness, make sure you use a yeast that is not low flocculation (medium is ideal, because highly flocculant yeast might need to be roused if conditions aren't good).
You can indeed transfer your beer to a secondary fermentation vessel (i.e. another carboy) and age it for a while for additional clarity. You can also leave your beer to settle in the bottling bucket for 30-90 minutes after transferring from your fermentor to allow everything to settle.
Ultimately, I rarely worry about clarity in my beer. If it tastes good, it's a successful beer. That said, I usually end up with clear beer because I do most of what I suggested, though I tend not to rack to secondary anymore and instead let my primary fermentation go for 3-4 weeks (you're not going to get any off flavors from yeast in that time, but it will clear up some).
Answer: If you filter out all the yeast then there won't be any yeast to eat your priming sugar and carbonate in the bottle. Though in actuality I would imagine filtering all of the yeast out of your beer is a difficult feat.
If you bottle condition, the yeast in the bottle is going to multiply and create a sediment on the bottom of the bottle. If you are careful with your bottles, you can pour carefully to avoid letting most of this sediment into your glass.
But if you want to have absolutely no yeast in your bottle then you are going to have to find some other way of carbonating your beer (eg: force carbing via keg).
Answer: Since you're primarily looking for clarity in your beer, then the easiest solution is to cold-crash it.
Cold-crashing basically consists of:

Moving the beer (and not the trub) to another vessel (anything you'd use for a secondary)
Placing the beer in the fridge for ~2 days to allow the beer to settle out
Bottling as usual

The cold temp will really help clarify the beer.  It doesn't harm the beer or affect the flavor at all, and there's still plenty of healthy yeast in the beer to handle bottle conditioning.


Allergic online resources for traveling

Question: I and many millions more are allergic to one thing or another. I am now wondering if there are any online resources, in English (but preferably more languages), that provide global or regional allergy information.
What I want to know is for example "Is there a pet and smoke-free hotel in Beijing?" "What restaurants in Chicago provide ingredient declaration/allergy friendly menus?" "Is there a detergent available in x region without x substance?" "Where are there hotels without feathers in the covers and pillows in Paris?"
Many of these questions can be answered for Sweden with the use of Astma och Allergiförbundets website or by contacting them. The website is only in Swedish though, however contacting them can probably yield better results for the non-swedish seakers.
If there is a global site or organization providing this or part of this information this question can be answered. However if there are only regional sites this question will result in lists. So I would like to make it a community wiki.
Answer: For New Zealand, much information is provided through a charity called Allergy New Zealand and provides reliable information, education and support.  The idea being for children with allergies, but the information on food recalls and the like is totally relevant to the rest of us as well.
There's a government site as well, from the Ministry for Primary Industries on Allergies and intolerances.

Allergic online resources for traveling


strawberry and fig vincotto

Question: I have one strawberry and one fig vincotto (bottle). What can I do with it ? Am having trouble finding recipes to use it in, other than fruit/icecream/salad related. I prefer a recipe with only a few ingredients, so the vincotto remains primary.
Answer: I have a wonderful recipe that originally uses Red Vermouth as it's main flavour. I daresay it would go very well with a fig vincotto. If you do make it, let me know how it works out in a comment.
My grandmother originally made this with veal escalopes. My mother makes it with chicken breast pieces. Since I'm basically a buddhist monk food-wise, I make it with tofu. Probably wouldn't work for really red meat though.
Anyway, cut the meat/tofu into bite size chunks, and shake them in a bag with flour seasoned with salt and pepper and some ground mace (nutmeg is just as good here).
Put some olive oil and a whole diced white onion in a skillet and start the fire on low. Stir and cook slowly to let the onion get all dark and sweet. Then add some minced garlic, the vincotto and a teaspoon or two of tomato paste.
Now throw in the floured meat/tofu bits and sautee until done.
The whole things takes half an hour, most of which is the onions, which need the time.
Comment: Sounds like something to try.
Answer: Well, any recipe that uses a (sweet / balsamic) vinegar as a sauce base could also use fig vincotto instead. Plenty of meat dishes, for instance.
Comment: Okay. So instead of using vinegar and sweeteners, I could use vincotto. So, in my case I'd probably use it on something wild (deer, rabbit).
Comment: I'd have a go at such a dish, yessir.

strawberry and fig vincotto


Can cosmic inflation be explained by matter antimatter reactions?

Question: The big bang theory proposes that equal amounts of matter and antimatter were created in the beginning. Shortly afterwards most of it annihilated. Could that have produced enough energy to drive cosmic inflation?
Comment: At the beginning of universe, matter/anti-matter are roughly in equilibrium with radiation; matter/anti-matter annihilates constantly into radiation, but radiation is also constantly transforming into matter/anti-matter (pair production). In addition, the result of annihilation may not be radiation; it can be other types of matter/anti-matter. For example, electron-positron annihilation may produce, if energy permits, photons, hadrons/anti-hardons, muon/anti-muon, Z bosons, etc.
Comment: gave you some points so you can comment.
Comment: Forgive my naivety but it appears that there is only ~4% of the original matter left from the big bang thought possible  due to cp violation etc the rest of the material presumably was converted to radiation. What sort of time scale are we looking at for this to occur? Thanks for all the answers everybody
Answer: Matter antimatter annihilation doesn't produce inflation, because the stress tensor of hot fermions doesn't lead to a cosmological constant. The main property of inflation is that at early times, the universe was dominated by a large positive cosmological constant, and this can be due to a scalar field, it violates the energy condition that the pressure is less than 1/3 the energy density.
For a photon gas, the pressure is exactly 1/3 the energy density. For any massive particle, in the limit of extremely high temperature, the pressure is 1/3 the energy density also, but slightly less because the mass breaks the scale symmetry. When you have scale invariance, the trace of the stress tensor is zero, so the energy component minus 3 times the pressure component must be zero, which explains this universal result.
The only relativistically invariant system that violates this pressure bound is a scalar condensate with a potential. In this case, you can see that a scalar field expectation value can't pick out a rest frame, so the stress tensor must be proportional to the metric tensor, and the pressure is equal to the energy density. This is a gross violation of the dominant energy condition, and it leads to runaway inflation. It is only such a system that can lead to inflation.
Further, the initial conditions of the universe in inflation are not hot at all, they are cold--- the field has an expectation value, which drive the universe to deSitter, and in a causal patch, the deSitter space is otherwise empty. This is a low-entropy initial condition (a cold initial condition), and one way of interpreting this is that the deSitter horizon is too small to allow any large entropy inside the causal patch.
Answer: Thermodynamic Aspects
Just to expand more on Karsus Ren's point:
In the early universe we generally like to assume thermal and chemical equilibrium. What this equates to is that reactions are equally likely to happen each way. Matter-Antimatter annihilation is relatively symmetric process. Lets just look at electrons/positron annihilations. This have the form of:
$e^++e^-=>2\gamma$
But we can also have two photons collide to form an electron positron pair.
$2\gamma => e^++e^-$
These two processes have the same amount of energy involved. So if we are in the pre-inflationary universe, with energies up in $10^{27}K = 9\times 10^{16} MeV$, we have photons travelling around with such high energies that the issue resolves somewhat simply. We can actually calculate the number density of fermions (both particles and antiparticles) fairly easily since $m_e=0.5 MeV <<T$.
$n_i=g_i e^{\mu/T} \int \frac{d^3p}{2\pi^3}e^{-E_i/T} = g_i \frac{T^3}{\pi^2}e^{\mu/T}$ (for $m_e<<T$)
Where $g_i$ is a constant determined by the number of spin states of species. We can also get from this calculation that even if there is some small chemical potential (found in the $\mu$ term), it is hugely overshadowed by the $T$ term, so we can easily assume number density equilibrium, so no annihilations.
Cosmological Aspects
In addition, there if there were high energy annihilation events in the hyper-early universe it couldn't cause an inflationary scenario. The expansion rate of the universe is determined by the Friedmann equations in terms of the scale factor which time-evolution is determined by the total energy in radiation, matter, and cosmological constant. Annihilation events would move more fraction of the universe's "inventory" from matter to radiation, making the universe scale factor change from more $a(t)=a_ot^{2/3}$ to $a(t)=a_ot^{1/2}$ (see friedmann equations). Although this means that it would slightly increase expansion speed, it wouldn't create the $a(t)=a_oe^{Ht}$ type behavior seen in the inflationary epoch.
Comment: This is correct, but it doesn't require the Friedmann equation to see it--- it follows from the stress tensor of hot matter alone.
Comment: I suppose it comes down to how pedagogical you want to be. My point was to show that increase in radiation won't cause a "inflationary-like" effect, rather than assuming a priori that only a cosmological constant could cause it.
Comment: Ok, you're right. The only issue I have is that inflation requires a violation of a dominant energy condition, which doesn't happen with any normal matter. This is why it took until the late 1970s to discover it--- Hawking had already essnetially proved no inflation without violation of an energy condition. That a scalar violates this energy condition (or higher order corrections to GR, if you go Starobinsky's way) then became highly notable.
Answer: No.
In the Big Bang model of the creation of the universe  all the energy  comes from the initial singularity from which space and time expand. The energies you describe are already created then, at 0,0,0,0  ,though it is an energy momentum tensor that is generated which obeys the equations of General Relativity. A simple minded energy conservation will not work.
It is worth noting that all points in our present space time started at that space time point, back in 0,0,0,0.
Comment: I don't quite follow what argument you are trying to say. It seems like you both argue for and against the idea of energy conservation in cosmological expansion. It should be made clear that there is no reason to believe that conservation of energy holds throughout the universe as, according to GR, there is no clear way to define total energy globally.
Comment: I am trying to say that all manifestations of energy that are used in developing the early universe, come from the initial input. And that the energy momentum tensor  in GR says that  due to gravitational interactions with the space time continuum part of what we call energy will be  balanced there.
Answer: What about interaction graviton/antigraviton to prevent matter-antimatter anhilitaion as a repulsive aspect of gravity?


Missing "left screen" in my SGS1 . How can it be added?

Question: I have stuff on the 7th screen and I've expected to be able to reach it on left swipe from homescreen, but it is not so.
How can I configure it ? Does it require some non-default launcher?
Comment: Can you navigate the screens in circular fashion (right swiping on the last screen takes you back to first screen). If this is not the case then you can't go directly to 7th screen by left swiping on first screen.
Answer: If you're using the original Samsung supplied OS with  Samsung's Touchwiz interface, then it doesn't wrap around, to get to the 7th screen you have to scroll seven screens to the right.
Alternatively you can "pinch" zoom out on any of the home screens to zoom out and see an overview of all of your screens, and tap any of them to move straight to them. You can also add and remove screens (up to 7) from here, by dragging unwanted screens to the trash bin at the bottom of the screen, or clicking the plus sign to add another (up to 7).
Answer: This is an option in most launchers, but I think it's not available in the stock launcher. I'd recommend switching to Launcher Pro, there it's enabled by default and can be toggled from Preferences -> Homescreen settings -> Homescreen looping.
Answer: At the top of your homescreen, there should be a row of white dots, one for each screen. You can tap them to skip directly to selected homescreen.


Mario Kart DS: how do I beat staff ghosts?

Question: Any tips or tricks to beating the staff ghosts in Mario Kart DS?
Comment: Go fast! Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Comment: LOL - yes, I try.  In Double Dash my new (at the time) roomies kicked my butt a lot, so I started training and I got good enough to beat all staff ghosts, some by several seconds, but the DS version is much harder and kart differences seem more important.
Comment: Well, I can tell ya already you'd whip me at it. I seem to recall in double dash having difficulty with the 100cc races and finding the 150cc ones impossible. More power to ya!
Comment: [Tried these tricks already?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojbpe2ZXxss) :P
Answer: One of the best tricks, if you aren't keen on learning how to 'snake' is to make sure you choose a vehicle with a full rating for 'items'. These vehicles will start with 3 mushroom boosts, as opposed to 1 or 2 for vehicles with a lower rating. If you get 3 boosts, you should be able to find the optimal location on the track to use 1, and then use one each lap in that perfect spot. (@reply me if you need helping picking the spot for a certain track, I've beaten most of the ghosts, and all of the missions and cups with a full ranking.)
Learn the route around the course very well. On many tracks, it's beneficial to take a vehicle with high offroad tolerance; 'DK Pass' is one of the more notable ones. However, as long as you have 3 mushroom boosts, you should be able to use one each lap to take a sizable shortcut offroad, depending on the track.
Take advantage of the terrain. Many tracks are loaded with moving parts that can help you get ahead (many of them will also, quite readily, help you get behind!). For example, on the Tick-Tock Clock track, you'll notice two large, vertical gears on either side of the track, just before the finish line. Make sure you drive over whichever gear is rotating forwards to get a really handy speed boost (the gears should change direction every lap, so keep an eye out).
Another tip, is to try and maximize any kind of speed gain you get, from any source. For example, after passing over the gears mentioned above, start bunny hopping continuously, as rapidly as you can. When you do this, your deceleration is slowed, and you get to feel the effects of the speed gain for longer. Just make sure you don't bunny hop off of the edge of the track! I could be wrong, but I think this works slightly better with heavier characters.
Make sure to choose a vehicle with a drift that you are comfortable with. Great drifting is essential to beating most of the staff ghosts. A vehicle with a very large drift radius may cause you problems on most tracks, but it's really up to you. Perfect the art of the 'drift boost':
Drift Boost: Start up a drift, and then quickly steer the opposite direction, and back a few times. If you do it too fast, it won't work, but if you get it right, you will generate red sparks under your wheels the first time you do it, and blue sparks the second. Once you have the blue, let off the drift to receive a boost!
Performing this technique in rapid succession back and forth around as much of the track as possible is referred to as 'snaking', and if you want to give it a shot, I personally recommend the Dry Bomber vehicle (it has one of the longest drift-boost durations of any vehicle). You shouldn't have to snake to beat any of the staff ghosts, but you will need to take advantage of the drift-boost at every opportunity you get. On tracks with a lot of corners, I again recommend the Dry Bomber as the lengthy drift-boost time can really add up when used often during a race.
Hope these tips help, and if you have any questions, feel free to @reply me in the comments! Good luck!
Answer: In Mario Kart DS, you can use a trick called "snaking" to gather speed on straightaways, by using your drift boost properly. It is a method that, when properly used, lets you maintain a higher top speed.
I'm not an expert on the technique, by any means, so I will direct you to this website instead: http://www.wikihow.com/Snake-in-Mario-Kart-DS
Answer: I've beaten a few of the staff ghosts, without snaking or even using mushrooms. Yes, it's hard.
The trick, though, is to do it over and over and watch what their path around the course is. Then follow them and learn how to cut corners that they don't.
It takes a lot of practice, so be patient.
Answer: One trick is to drift in every possible corner you can. It will give you some speed boosts, which will help youcatch up to a staff ghost if they are at a distance. Choosing a kart with the "items" bar full is also another great tactic to use, because you will get 3 mushrooms at mthe beginning of the race.


Which resources are better at the start of a Catan game?

Question: Is it better to start with Wheat and Ore in order to rapidly upgrade settlements into cities, or is it better to start with Wood and Brick to build roads?
Answer: As a counterpoint to ICodeForCoffee's answer: I much prefer having access to brick and wood on initial settlements.
Initial brick and wood allow you to get to more positions on the map, to increase your ore and corn income. Initial corn and ore allow you to build cities, which get you... more corn and ore.
If you start on corn and ore, you can find yourself locked out of the other resources (brick and wood) much more easily than if you start on brick and wood.
Answer: I would suggest trying to start the game by diversifying your resources and numbers.  While I've started games without any access to brick, it usually limits my ability to expand, and keeps me from building out as fast as the other players.  How you start affect what your going to do.  You'll also have to select sites that are available, since no matter what order you place your settlements, you never get to cherry pick the two best spots on the board.  Grain and Ore help you build cities, but you still need to get more settlements you can grow into cities.
I prefer having access to grain, ore, and sheep on my better numbers, and having access to wood and brick on my slightly less common numbers.  I try to diversify myself through expansion, although I will settle for multiple instances of a resource if the numbers are good, and there is easy access to a port for those resources.  This is a game strategy though, and while you can win this way, it's difficult.
For a beginning player, I would suggest making sure you have access to brick and wood.  It helps you out immensely and doesn't make you feel stalled in the beginning part of the game.  I like getting access to a 6 chit or an 8 chit with different resources for each of my initial settlements, but only if the settlement locations I'm taking look useful.  Definitely avoid building your initial settlements on the coast if the location doesn't have a port.  You're reducing the number of resource tiles you have access too, and don't get a port in return.
As a note, I asked a very similar question when we first started the beta for the site, How do you place your initial settlements in Settlers of Catan?
Once you've played your settlements, I suggest first getting new settlements before going to cities and development cards.  Definitely though, if you have the resources to build a city, do it.  While early expansion is good, using your resources before the robber comes and reduces your hand size is a much better strategy then throwing things you want away.
Answer: It is a mistake to choose one strategy.  The nature of the game - with the random placement of tiles, the assigned numbers, and the locations of ports - requires a player to adapt to the current situation and apply any number of strategies.  Another variable is the order you draw to place your first settlement - if you are first, it might require a completely different strategy than if you are last - depending on the settlement locations that are available to you.
Comment: +1: Flexibility is a huge key to winning Catan, adapting to the current situation is essential.
Answer: Both strategies can be successful - as discussed in this question your strategy should be based on the initial settlements you are able to get.
Roughly, if you have easy access to Brick and Wood, going for long roads and many settlements can be a good idea.  On the other hand, if you have easy access to Wheat and Ore, you'll want to emphasize upgrading your settlements to cities.
Answer: Wheat and ore.
Your first city gives you far more dots of production than your third settlement. A starting settlement can have thirteen dots of production, while your third settlement rarely breaks seven dots.
After you get your first city or two up, you can trade your valuable city materials to other players for clay and wood. 1-1 trades are pretty common, especially for wheat, but your production is so strong that you can afford imbalanced ratios (say, 3 ore for 1 clay and 1 wood).
Do be careful you don't get boxed out completely---you usually need to build two more settlements over the course of the game, if only to upgrade to cities for the VPs. If you're conservative about your initial road placement, this isn't hard to engineer, but it is a danger.
Answer: Building a city before building your third settlement does bring in the advantage of more income. If your three target junctions are 12, 10, and 7, a settlement and city bring you income on 34 pips, while three settlement bring you 29 pips. BUT! By building a third settlement
a) helps to limit your opponents' options, by occupying a vacant junction, and by building two additional roads, which limit opponents' road building opportunities
b) often increases your variety of resources
c) contributes to your future effort towards longest road
d) offers protection against the robber by making less juicy targets. Not only do you lose, say only 5 pips versus 10, but you may avoid getting the robber entirely when someone else has a city (a bigger target) and you don't.
e) probably brings you closer to a trading port, which can be critical in the middlegame.
Overall, I've had much better luck with the third settlement strategy rather than the 'city as soon as possible strategy'.
Wrt another strand in this thread, I've had excellent luck going after development cards right away. Having several cards often makes you immune to the robber--either you can move it if someone puts it on you, or knowing (or believing) you can move it means other players often pick on someone else. Second, and obviously, largest army means two points it's great to have. Third, you often pick up a victory point card or two. Fourth, you often get back the resources you spend, through road building and monopoly cards, or in resources that diverting roober helps you gain.
I don't think resource cards are the best strategy, but they definitely shouldn't be sneered at, a steady stream of them can help you cripple your closest opponent, and if you find yourself with limited mobility it can be a very viable way to win.
Answer: Development Cards! These can seem less rewarding in terms of sustainable resource generation, but if you find yourself without road components, buy development cards! Knights can give you some control and protection along with 2 VP's, and the other cards can help you out quite a bit if well-used. Playing Monopoly after a big score of ore or brick can be very satisfying for you, and demoralizing for the other players.
Answer: Diversify! Don't compromise on starting with high numbers and 6 separate tiles, unless you are getting two of a 6 or 8, or a port for an item you are set to get a lot of. You're also much better off with a spread of numbers: if you can, sit on a 6 and an 8 instead of two 8's. Spread out with settlements if you can before upgrading to cities. Ore is, for this reason, okay to miss at the beginning.
Answer: Generally, you should go for the colonies.  However, you have more option if you still get all resources, just trying to have more frequent number for wood and brick.
The good colonies spot may be gone fast.  If you first upgrade your city, they might not be there.  Also, more colonies can bring complementary resources when cities when only gave you what you already have.
There is a special case, when the wood or brick all have extreme number (2,3, 11 or 12), it will be hard for all player to get road and colonies.  In that case, you should first invest in development cards, which will allow you to get an edge in development.
Answer: Many experts will say that ore wheat sheep is a more robust strategy that brick and wood.
Studies have shown that brick and wood based strategies (featuring longest road) win only slightly more than ore wheat sheep strategies(featuring largest army). Except for one caveat.
Every player starts with two settlements and two roads. In resource terms, every player gets four wood, four brick, two sheep, two wheat, and no ore at the beginning. So if a brick and wood strategy wins "barely" more often than ore wheat sheep, then the second strategy has come (further) from behind.
Another way to look at it is to realize that you get one victory point for building settlements, and one victory point for upgrading them to cities. You get two victory points for longest road and two for largest army. So far, those effect balance. But you can also win by drawing development cards that give you victory points. That tips the balance in favor of the ore wheat sheep strategy.
But the best way is to use a five (or four) resource strategy that keeps your options open until late in the game.


regarding Basel II III model

Question: I may have to get involved in some projects using Basel II, III model for risk modeling, to which I have no background. Are there any good book/tutorials to recommend? What are the underlying statistical models for Basel II/III. Thanks.
Comment: a good candidate for http://area51.stackexchange.com/proposals/74015/finreg
Answer: A good place to start is the BIS (Bank for International Settlements) site. To be more specific on the Basel Committee on Banking Supervision part of the site.
http://www.bis.org/bcbs/index.htm
In my case (Brasil´s Basel III) the central bank page is the best place to look for the specifics of Basel III implementation for my country. I imagine that´s the case in other countries as well.
I also like this Accenture Basel III Handbook for reference (http://www.accenture.com/SiteCollectionDocuments/PDF/Accenture-Basel-III-Handbook.pdf)
As i said it is important to pay attention to the specifics of your country implementation, as it can change from country to country.

regarding Basel II III model


Ubuntu 10.04 Proxy Server and SSH Server: am I forced to disable ssh to improve security?

Question: I have a Ubuntu 10.04 proxy server exposed to the internet and I have SSH Server on it to manage it from internal LAN and from remote.
It feels simply unsafe, even if I'm using strong passwords...
I thought about disabling ssh on the internet side but then I'd lose functionality.
Is there any workaround?
I look for a very very short list of "must do" to improve security.
Answer: theres 2 further things you can do to enhance ssh security:
switch to public key only ssh logins as detailed here:
How do you setup ssh to authenticate using keys instead of a username / password?
then you can restrict SSH logins to specific IP's as detailed here:
how to restrict ssh login to a specific ip or host
if those methods are setup correctly then to get in, someone needs to connect from your IP address with your private key file
Answer: I'd like to add only one thing to all those answers:
Fail2ban

Fail2ban scans log files like
  /var/log/pwdfail or
  /var/log/apache/error_log and bans IP
  that makes too many password failures.
  It updates firewall rules to reject
  the IP address.

Here is a (broken) rrd graph from the active bans on my server :

Graphed by munin with the fail2ban plugin.
Comment: That's simply wow
Comment: There is also denyhosts: http://denyhosts.sourceforge.net/ "DenyHosts is a script intended to be run by Linux system administrators to help thwart SSH server attacks (also known as dictionary based attacks and brute force attacks)."
Comment: How've you got RRDtool graphing it?  I've had a google but I think my google-foo must be low at the moment as I couldn't find anything.
Comment: this one was made using munin. http://exchange.munin-monitoring.org/plugins/fail2ban/details.
Answer: Enable key-based authentication, and turn off challenge-response / password authentication.  This will make it as secure as it needs to be.
Additionally I'd ensure that your iptables rules only allow SSH access from your own IP address/range (if this is possible).
Answer: Besides strong passwords, one additional thing you can do is restrict accounts that can log in.
in sshd_config:
AllowUsers myaccount
Also, set PermitRootLogin no.
Answer: As addition to the answers above you can do the following to secure your ssh access even more:
Change the default SSH Port
Usually bots are trying to access the default port 22/tcp and try to login with different usernames (root, admin, etc). This attacks are usually no issue if you're using strong passwords, or better keys, and do not permit root logins.
The annoying this is that the unsuccessfull login attempts are spamming your security logs and if anything happens it will be hard to find the correct entry.
Enable Port knocking
Port Knocking is a nice idea. The default ssh port is closed until you knock on one or multiple ports in the correct order. The ssh port is then opened automatically and you can login.
As usuall someone already implemented it ;-)
Here the documentation:
https://help.ubuntu.com/community/PortKnocking
Comment: Port knocking is wow too :D
Answer: Would disabling password authentication and requiring public-key based be OK with you?
You could also disable ssh completely, if you have some remote HW management solution, like remote console (IBM RSA or HP ILO). If you have physically separate management and production LANs, then it wouldn't be possible to break into the server by logging into it.