system
Given the following post, respond as if you're commenting on Reddit:
human
I need superpowers, like, right now. How do I get them without dying?

So my friend Gus was recently caught in a gamma bomb explosion. Predictably, he was disintegrated. Another friend of mine, Bob, had his 'intrinsic field' removed in a laboratory accident; it was horrific. He's dead too, of course. My coworker Dave fared a little better; when a radioactive turtle bit him he merely needed a rabies shot and some iodine, and he spent about three days throwing up. The turtle died, though. 

I swear to God, the media only reports the stories where this sort of thing gives you powers, instead of just maiming or killing you.

Now, to make matters worse, I find that my neighbor and long-time rival Nate can control technology or something, and he's making bank doing it. And he claims he was 'born that way.' What a dick!

Anyway, I need to get some superpowers to deal with the dangers present in the modern world and hopefully make some money along the way. I am not rich or a genius, and I don't want to die horribly in the process. What's the safest way for me to go about this?
gpt
Well, you're going to have to make a deal with a demon. Not too difficult, head down to your local library check the farthest corner on the top shelf, Open 'er up, read the spell. If you're lucky it might only possess you and share it's strength. Unlucky, you lose your soul. 


Good news is, no one killed your uncle or your parents for this to happen.