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human
CMV: 'Where are you *really* from?' is rarely an matter of racism and interpreting it as such is a sign of your own insecurity

I am mixed-race person from Ireland.  I've been receiving questions about where I'm from my entire life, particularly when I was young and immigration was much less common. Everyone was white and I stood out very clearly. Naturally, people were curious and asked me about it so I am very familiar with the dynamics of these conversations.

I was very insecure about my national identity, my family didn't look Irish, participate in traditional Irish activities and so on. I also didn't relate to the country from which my ethnicity comes because I have never lived there or speak the language. I was mired between two cultures and not feeling securely attached to either.

When Irish people asked me 'where are you from?', I knew inside me that they wanted to know why I looked different, but not letting an inch, I defiantly responded simply "Ireland".  I rubbed their face in their own ignorance and inwardly delighted in it, thinking I was somehow 'fighting the good fight' for all minority groups in the country. A bit confused and put on the back foot, they would blurt 'where are you really from?' and I would guffaw at their racism. Again I would rebuff them and give a look implying 'Are you suggesting I cannot be Irish if I am not white?'

Really what happened here is that usually the person was just curious why I look different. They don't actually care about my national identity, they just assume there's an interesting story to hear. It is typically seen as too crude to ask 'Why do you look different?', 'Why don't you look Irish?', 'Why do you look foreign?', but these  are essentially the questions that the person wants an answer to. They somewhat fumbled with 'Where are you really from', mostly because they didn't expect to be touching a nerve, particularly when their intentions were completely innocent and prompted by genuine curiosity.

Once I grew out of my teens I developed my own sense of national identity that transcends ethnicity, cultural activities etc and now I feel secure as an Irish person. I have let go of all that baggage. When people ask me where I'm from, I show a little empathy and answer directly the question I know they meant, but were too polite to ask. I don't even specify that I'm Irish, I directly respond 'my mother is from X country' and it always satisfies them. This also allows for a nice conversation to develop. In fact, most issues I perceived as race issues largely disappeared once I resolved my own issues.

I even found myself in the opposite situation recently where I met a guy who also didn't look Irish although his accent suggest otherwise. We played through the 'where are you from, really from' scenario and he rolled his eyes and looked to his friend as if to say 'do you see what I have to deal with?'. I was actually taken aback. I feel sorry for the guy that he's near 30y/o and still dealing with these childish issues.

There are a lot of race-issues that are espoused here on reddit and wider society and I can't help but feel that we let a bunch of insecure teenagers dictate to us what correct behavior is. Everybody that isn't a minority goes along with it largely out of sympathy and because questioning it invites a whole lot of trouble onto yourself - being called a racist, etc..
gpt
The real problem here is the overbroad brush of “racism” vs “not racism”. The question “where are you really from” can mean a swath of things in between. 

I also happen to be mixed race and half Irish. But in the *American sense* where we conflate nationality and ethnicity. And also conflate ethnicity and heritage. 

Someone asking where you’re “really from” can be assuming you cannot be from where you say because they hold expectations about what people from there look like — that’s probably best labeled “prejudiced” rather than “racist”. 

Someone asking where you’re“really from” can be asserting that there is an essence to a person’s identity that is deeper than their nationality. That a person cannot “really” be Irish if their parents weren’t — that’s quite possibly a real microaggression or even racism. Think of how “mud blood” was used in Harry Potter. 

Someone asking where you’re “really from” could be entirely innocent, despite the language implying you’re not really from where you say. There’s a range of implications here from *implicit bias* to mere poor word choice. 

Labeling a thing as black and white “racism” or “not racism” is just as erroneous as seeing people in pure black and white.