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Lost in depression and grad school

I'm a super lost grad student and any advice, wisdom, solidarity anything of that sort is appreciated.

I started my PhD on fall 2019, right after finishing my bachelor's. I worked so hard for it and was incredibly happy and enthusiastic about starting grad school. I've changed continents, leaving everything behind to start a new chapter in the States. A semester later, my mental health crashed completely. Pandemic started around the same time my long term relationship ended, and I was already struggling before then. Moving from a metropolis to a small midwestern town or being pretty much the only non-native English speaker in an incredibly homogenous white-American program (to my surprise), was harder than I thought. Coming from a (almost) failing country, the constant stress and worry about the people and things I've left behind was also hard. And the cherry on top, I'm not the resilient type, I've struggled with mental health all my adult life. I  guess all of these things and the regular stress of the PhD was just too much for me to handle.

In my second semester, soon after the lockdown, my mental health just crashed. I dropped everything in the last three weeks of the semester and just took incompletes. I spent the summer just trying to get better and failing miserably. I ended up getting hospitalized in fall 2020. I couldn't do anything that semester, except for completing some of the incompletes I had. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces without actually feeling that much better. This semester, I was able to attend to classes, just doing the bare minimum with pretty much no research done and thank god I didn't have to teach.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist at my uni's health center and I'm on medication. Obviously I'd be worse without those things, but I feel like it is much less than what I need. Unfortunately accessing specialized/intensive health care I need is incredibly hard and pretty much financially impossible right now (I'm still in debt from my hospitalization).  I have almost no friends where I live. I couldn't really click with my cohort (cultural differences, clique culture etc.) and I didn't really have much time to socialize anyways due to pandemic. I have good friends though, and they are my main support. But all of them are scattered around the world, living in different time zones. I thought about going back to my own country and maybe take a break, just eating homemade food, chilling with the fam. But losing my visa was a risk and too much fam time is just not good for my mental health anyways, so I just decided against it.

My advisor has been really understanding during all of this but I know his (and the faculty's) patience is running.  I was told to get back on track asap or there would be consequences (possibly getting kicked out).

I honestly don't know if I'm just sick or if I'm just not cut out for this.  Whenever I check online PhD circles I see that most of the people are  worried about not being productive for a week or answering emails late, while just attending an 30 min zoom lecture is a great challenge for me. I know each to their own, but I can't help feeling like an utter failure compared to my peers. I feel like I fucked this PhD up, ruined any potential I had in my uni and in my field. I feel like I've created a reputation of problem-person and it's irreparable.  I know some of it is me over-catastrophizing, but I also think there is some truth to it and academia is not all-forgiving.  I have overcome rough patches before and turned things around but I can't seem to find a light with this one yet.

Apart from my mental health, I just feel disillusioned with grad school, academia and myself. I guess the past year made me realize how unsatisfying it is to produce research on some theoretical stem stuff that has 0 effect on people's lives. How hard it is to establish non-superficial, supportive relationships in grad school. All my close friends (whom I met way before grad school) are in grad school and we're all on antidepressants, we all struggle with similar stuff . This makes me think, okay, this shit is hard and everyone is struggling. But despite this shared struggle, the disconnection in grad school, or at least at where I am, is incredibly isolating. I used to have some level of confidence in myself not only about academic stuff, but also when it comes to surviving and picking myself up. This past year made me lose all of that.

And yes, I know that the world out there is so much bigger than grad school and maybe this is simply not my thing. I thought I loved science but maybe I'm not a person to make a career out of it. But realistically speaking, I have no other professional aspirations and grad school may be my only chance (at least in the foreseeable future) at living in a (relatively) stable and free country.

I guess I just want to hear from people who are experiencing or have experienced similar things. If you have overcome it,  what helped you, what do you think about those times when you look back? If you are experiencing similar things, I'm sorry. But maybe we need to know that we are not alone.
gpt
You deserve some kudos, friend. You moved continents, got out of a relationship, started a PhD program, and now you are depressed? Give yourself a break!

Here is what has helped me: make a list of crap you want done tomorrow. Think about how you feel, and what you think is reasonable for you to accomplish tomorrow. If you are too depressed - leave it blank! Take the day off! You are caring for yourself that day. It's a "me" day.

Start adding to the list when you can, but make sure you don't push too hard. If you find that you can't complete your daily list, reel it back a bit. At the end of each day, cross off all of the things you did, and congratulate yourself for each one. If you cross off everything on your list - crumple up that thing and throw it in the garbage like the champion you are. 

Notice that your "peers" are not on that list. What they do on their time is their (and unfortunately everyone's) business. Comparison is the thief of joy - focus on your list. 

When it comes time to be evaluated in whatever way your program has planned, think about your list. If you have been completing all of your list-tasks, you are in good shape! You have pushed yourself as much as you feel comfortable - and what will be, will be.