system
Given the following post, respond as if you're commenting on Reddit:
human
Is there any literature on the metaphysics of how does the 'self' change in intimate relationships?

I think relationships can have an influence on 'self', I was wondering if there is any material on how does that influence manifest itself in the short run vs long run? A sample material would define what is influence, what is intimacy, not just dictionary or psychological definitions but rather how they arrived at that definition of it as a phenomenon. 

For example: I'd say influence is a phenomenon of domination, a moment of psychological defeat, where one gives away or shares the agency over a fraction of the territory of 'self' to the influencer. This way the influencer gains more intimacy and power over the one he is influencing. A relationship is a shared ground and the one who is more influential would have more say in other person's life. The more influential a person is to one, the more *their* thoughts the person starts to accept as his own which in turn replaces their original notion of their own 'self' and influences their self-image, identity etc. 

My notion is pretty vague but pretty much that's the kind of stuff I'm looking for to read in depth. Thanks.
gpt
Yes! Although interestingly enough in your post you've already started using some of the technical vocabulary in the field.

Levinas was a really important philosopher, known mostly for his 'phenomenology of the other' which he developed across several major works. A phenomenology of the other considers how the other (especially for Levinas, another human being) appears to us in consciousness. In this, he describes the difference between the 'sites' or 'territories' of the Self and the Other as being in constant exchange during the face-to-face encounter.

He devotes a lot of time in *Totality and Infinity* to reflecting on how the 'face' of the Other reconfigures when it is presented as love. He views love as being something of a surrender of the Self's site to the Other - for this he uses the phrase 'to cease apology'. We can only imagine that by this he means 'apology' as *Apologia*, the Greek word for 'defence' (specifically against accusations e.g. in a legal case). That love is the cessation of apology seems to mean: in love, we no longer fortify the site of Self and defend it against the approach of the Other; we open up ourselves to them and allow them to totalize the site of the Self (generating an experience he calls 'diachrony').

He also speaks of love as an 'incestuous' relation. It seems like by this he means that love begins when the Self recognizes a 'belonging' in the Other, such that they are from the Same. That is, despite the radical Otherness of the Other, we detect ourselves in them. There are some ways of reading just what's going on here in his phenomenology: it could be that he means something like 'the relation of love occurs only when the Self sees it-self in the Other *without looking for it*', so that it's a natural belonging. This reading is of course debatable, but it's good as an introduction to his phenomenology.

Hope this helps!