system
Given the following post, respond as if you're commenting on Reddit:
human
[Dungeons and Dragons] I'm Evil, but I don't want to be tortured for eternity in the Lower Planes. What are my options?

I'm glad that people are tortured in general, but I'm selfish. I'm worried more about my wellbeing than about advancing the cause of Evil. Here's what I've come up with so far:

####Getting into the upper planes:

I could just try doing good acts, like killing goblins. I'd hate that they won't go on to have children who will be tortured for eternity, but it would be worth it. But I've heard that it doesn't count if you're just doing it for selfish reasons. Then again, I'm certainly not doing it for Evil reasons either. Maybe it would at least get me into the Outlands with all the True Neutral people.

I could use a Helm of Opposite Alignment. Again, this will probably result in me killing goblins and saving their children and children's children from damnation, but that's worth it. I am concerned that I won't be able to afford it. Last I heard they went for 4,000 gp, and I'm not sure they even exist anymore. Also, will it actually change where I go when I die, or just mess with me while I'm alive?

I've also wondered about becoming a warlock. I've heard it described as selling your soul. Can I sell my soul to a good being and go to heaven? Or if that's not how it works, can the bargain I make be that if I do whatever they want I go to the upper planes?

####Not dying:

Becoming a lich would be nice, but it sounds really difficult and I'm not sure I'll be successful.

I could try for another form of undead. Apparently undead can't be resurrected, which makes me think their souls are stuck in the animated body.

Maybe having Reincarnation cast on me each time I die would reset my lifespan. I'm not clear on that.

I could use Clone. That one specifically says I can make it a younger version of myself.

I could use Magic Jar, which seems like basically discount lichdom.

I could have Imprisonment cast on me. Hedged Prison might be okay. There doesn't seem to be any rule against sending multiple people to the same prison, so that should prevent isolation from being a problem. And if it is, still better than hell. Alternately there's an option where I spend my time asleep. And one where I'm in a gem but people can still see me and I can see them, so I can interact with the outside world. But interacting with the outside world is dangerous. Someone might decide to end the spell at some point.

I could die while wearing a Ring of Mind Shielding, as long as nobody else dies while wearing it.

####Destroying my soul:

I've heard there are creatures and/or rituals that can consume your soul. Are there any I can do safely? I've heard demiliches can consume souls, but I'm not sure if they're still around in 5e. Also, I can't find anything about them needing to consume souls, and I suspect I'd have to brave traps to find them and have them consume my soul. Apparently night hags have a soul bag that carries evil creatures, but I'm not sure that works indefinitely.

####Conclusion:

Ideally I want to go to the upper planes, but short of that I feel like my best option is destroying my soul, or at least hiding it really well. Even if I don't age, I'm bound to get killed eventually. Most of them seem pretty difficult though, and I don't want to die as a murderhobo before I have enough money for one of these. What are your thoughts? Is there anything I missed? What option is best?
gpt
First up, you don't want to destroy your soul.  That's a worse option than all the other options combined.  Trust me on this.

Now then, the easiest way to escape eternal torture is to just worship a God who ain't too picky about their followers. The loophole here is devout followers get to skip the whole alignment based plane thing and go straight to their god's realm when they die.  

I would pick a God of commerce or fortune.  Most of them are neutral (neutral is boring, but boring is better than torture!), and you show devotion by being a good businessman.  That means haggling over every penny, always getting the best deal, and all around being a greedy bastard.  You can channel your evil impulses into that, right?  It's for your soul after all.