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[Star Wars] Why don't astromech droids just speak Basic?

So I was saving up for *ages* and now I finally have my very own Astromech droid. It's nothing flashy, just a stock R5 (certainly not one of those inexplicably trendy R2 units - is there a Huttese word for 'overpriced?'). I was so excited! Finally I have a navigator and mechanic that will just follow me everywhere and also be my best friend.

It's only been a few cycles, so maybe I just need to get used to it, but can anybody else understand just what the Hell these things are saying? Here's basically a transcript of every exchange I have with the useless little waste of money:

"hey R-5, did you lock down those power couplings like I asked you to?"

"BEEP BLOOP BORP BLAAAAP."

"What? Is that a yes?"

"BWOOP BWOOP BEEP BOMP"

"I don't understand this. Is this a language?"

"GURGLE"

"Are you malfunctioning? I can't tell if these are noises you're supposed to be making."

What good is having a best friend slash mechanic if the thing is constantly monologuing in unintelligible techno-gibberish? I swear this little asshole talks to himself all night. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be woken up from a twi-lek slave girl dream by a stupid little garbage can reciting some ancient droid poetry or something? Did nobody think a useful feature for one of these things might be asking stuff like "what's the temperature outside?" or "give me any kind of useful information whatsoever." Let's not even mention the fact that I basically can't use stairs anymore. 

Do I have it in the wrong mode? Is it set on fax machine? Is this some obnoxious ploy by Industrial Automation to force me to buy another droid just to understand my first droid? I swear to the Force if I have to have some gay-ass protocol droid follow me around, it's not worth the trouble. How in the galaxy did these things get so popular, anyway?

It's a big pile of poodoo if you ask me.
gpt
Clearly you bought into the marketing hype and got a product that wasn't intended for you. The Astromech-series droids were not designed for frequent interaction with sapient beings. They're designed to be mobile computers that interact with other computers and do a lot of the background work, computer processing, diagnostics, and basic repair. They're supposed to be tools that are connected to a central computer, not companions and even their use in starfighters is a bit of stretch for their initial design. The Industrial Automation company frequently tells their customers of this, but that doesn't stop them from running those flashy adds on the HoloNet where they show off adventurers and their trusty R-line droids.

If you wanted something you could interact with on an individual level, you should have purchased a protocol droid.