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III. Wanting and Not Wanting Sex: The Missing Discourse of Ambivalence

In her classic paper on ‘the missing discourse of desire’, Michelle Fine (1988) documented that the official discourse in sex education in public schools seldom acknowledged girls’ sexual desire. Instead, sex education presented discourses of sexuality as violence, victimization, and immorality. In contrast, she documented an unofficial discourse of desire in girls’ discussions outside the classroom. Fine noted the ambivalence many girls felt: ‘The adolescent woman herself assumes a dual consciousness – at once taken with the excitement of actual/anticipated sexuality and consumed with anxiety and worry’ (1988: 35). Consistent with Fine’s observations, many researchers have noted the ambivalence that many adolescent girls and others – female and male, young and old – feel about sex1 (Lamb, 2001; Tolman and Szalacha, 1999; Zilbergeld, 1999). Nevertheless, many people – including researchers – often conceptualize sex as either wanted or unwanted. There is, in effect, a missing discourse of ambivalence. A review of the literature reveals that researchers often ask respondents about ‘wanted’ or ‘unwanted’ sex. The Sexual Experiences Survey – a widely used survey for assessing whether women have experienced rape, attempted rape, or other sexual coercion – asks women if they have experienced various sexual acts ‘when you didn’t want to’ (Koss et al., 1987: 167, emphasis added). The Sexual Assertiveness Scale (SAS) includes items such as ‘I begin sex with my partner if I want to’ and ‘I have sex if my partner wants me to, even if I don’t want to’ (Morokoff et al., 1997: 804, emphases added). Token resistance to sex has been described as indicating to a partner that one does not want to have sex when in fact one does want to. A respondent might be asked if she has been in a situation like the following: