Ask Natalie! Getting Ready to Find “The One”

LoveKeyboardDear Natalie,
How would you suggest men or women handle the “why haven’t you been married” question? I have been engaged twice. I left the first time. Have regretted it my whole life. He walked away second time.
Decided that I’m too old to try for more kids. Why does it seem more acceptable to have one or more failed/toxic marriages?Why is it more acceptable that I should have just had children with anyone as opposed to having children with a person I was madly in love with, wanted to build a life and a family. I tried for a child at 40 and was told almost impossible without medical intervention. I didn’t choose to be childfree it’s circumstantial.
I want to find love. I know I could be a good partner. But, my own feelings about never having married are making me feel ashamed and defensive.
I can’t be the only person with a story like this. Can you advise?


Hi Kim,
I truly believe that finding lasting love is possible for everyone. Kim, that means you too. Before you can find the One, you need to get emotionally ready to find him.

First, you have to deal with your own feelings about never having married. When you feel ashamed and defensive (as you state), you subconsciously project that to everyone you meet. Now, would you want to date someone who’s ashamed of whom they are?

So, the first step is to deal with your own limiting beliefs about never having been married. The reality is that there are many types of committed long-term relationships that are socially accepted. Lasting love can be expressed by living together (or, apart) in a long-term committed relationship or through marriage. I have a whole chapter in my book, ”It’s a Match! The Guide to Finding Lasting Love,” on identifying and clearing limiting beliefs that sabotage your finding a lasting love. I would suggest you start there.

Now, for all of those people who ask you inappropriate questions, I suggest you have a ready-made answer. When someone asks you why have you never been married, a good answer might be, “I’ve never found the right one and I wanted to make sure that I didn’t become another divorce statistic.” Then, don’t say another word. You do not need to explain your actions or decisions to anyone- unless you choose to do so.

When someone asks you about children, you could answer, “I chose not to have children because I never found the right one to be their father.” These answers make you appear as an empowered woman who makes thoughtful decisions. Remember, you’re not a victim. You are always free to make new choices. You want to project this out to the universe.

Next, I want you to think about your relationship history. Was your boyfriend ever emotionally available? People who choose emotionally unavailable mates usually have an underlying fear of commitment. Or, did you get back together because you already had so much time invested in him?

There’s another chapter in my book that walks you through examining your past in order to discover your patterns and beliefs about yourself, others, and relationships. Until you examine and clear these, you will keep repeating the mistakes of the past.

Next, you need to make sure that you’re really ready to move on to the next relationship. You state that you are still regretting having left your boyfriend. That means you’re not over him. I suggest that you go through the exercises in the book about cleaning out your emotional closet and forgiveness. You need to let go of the past in order to be free to find the lasting love you deserve.

I wish you good luck! Let me know how it works out for you.