6 Ways To Annoy Your Muslim Friends This Ramzan

If you've stopped obsessing over the Starbucks cup that magically appeared (and then disappeared) on the fourth episode of the final season of 'Game of Thrones', and have also had the time to look past the camps at the Met Gala, you'd have noticed that the Muslim world is ushering in the month of Ramzan (or Ramadan, as “better Muslims” call it).

For those of you new to the word, Ramzan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar and is considered holy by the believers of the faith. Apart from fasting from dawn to dusk, they change their conduct in the month to be more calm, peaceful and pious (something that they can and should do during the rest of the months also). 

A quick AMA session with my 4,000-odd followers on Instagram about Ramzan revealed the hilarious sense of apathy most of us have about it and the festivities/religiosities. 

Ways To Annoy Your Muslim Friends This Ramadan Ramzan© Zain Anwar

Ways To Annoy Your Muslim Friends This Ramadan Ramzan© Zain Anwar

Ways To Annoy Your Muslim Friends This Ramadan Ramzan© Zain Anwar

Ways To Annoy Your Muslim Friends This Ramadan Ramzan© Zain Anwar

So, before you irritate your Muslim friends with stupid arguments, questions and suggestions, let me quickly give you a refresher course on the many things you shouldn't say to them during Ramzan. 

1. “Bilkul Bhook Nahin Lagti?”

That's a strange and morbid question, to be honest. Try to understand, hunger and thirst are basic bodily needs. People obviously feel hungry and thirsty during the day. I mean, I understand that the question is more out of concern than shock, but it never really helps. And any knightly person who tells you he/she doesn't feel hunger and thirst during the day is purely lying. Trust me.

2. “Dude, You'd Stay Without Water For The Entire Month?”

No, it doesn't work like that. Muslims don't go without water for the entire month. If they did, they'd all be dead probably (Some of you may think that's cool, but no). That's not even possible, bhai. The duration of the fast is from dawn to dusk. Believers are free to eat and drink all the lawful things they can at night.

3. “Then Toh You Guys Must Be Eating All Night?”

The following conversation is the model. NOT.

You: “Isn't it true? Khud bata?”

Them: “That's not the case. Somehow, I feel full right after eating a small portion.”

You: “Arey, but how is that possible? When you are hungry all day, you will eat na?”

Them: “Haan, that's what we feel all day. But sometimes we skip dinner also because we are not that hungry.”

You: “That is because you guys eat all pakoras and shit. That's why you should not eat all that and always eat healthy. Like chana and all.”

Them: “Dude, even if I eat healthy, I get full early.”

You: “Kuch bhi? I don't believe you, man!”

4. “Cigarette Toh Pee Sakte Hain!”

Technically, you are not wrong. The three things completely forbidden during the fast are food, liquids and sex. What that means is: your fast may technically not be broken. But come on, kaesi baat kar rahe ho yaar?

5. “Sorry, We Are Having It In Front Of You”

Honestly, feels very good when people are considerate about your fast. But trust me, the idea of somebody fasting is not to make the other person feel guilty or sympathetic. People do it only because they want to do it. So, whenever you think bad about eating or drinking in front of your fasting friends, don't. That's not what they want.

6. “This Is Haram”

Well, who can take out the haram police from this conversation? Every rare occasion you feel a spiritual connection, the haram police come knocking, to remind you that reaching God is not that easy. Every year during Ramzan, Islamic Moral policing starts which checks all the irrelevant aspects of fasting. Personally, I've been lectured about how swimming and being in a bathtub annuls my fast: not because it wastes water and is not ideal, but because water can seep inside my body through my nostrils, ears and well, the anus.

Let's not even talk about how divided we can be when it comes to brushing our teeth during Ramzan. To set the record straight, I do brush my teeth and also go for an occasional swim.

Author Bio: Zain Anwar is a video director and the co-founder of the popular MensXP show 'Honest Reviews'.

Disclaimer: Shah Rukh Khan's image is being used for representational purposes only. Somehow his expression seemed apt for Zain's headline!

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