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Depression Hurts
You And The Ones You Love

Authored by William G. DeFoore, Ph.D.

You already know that depression hurts you. What you may not realize is how it hurts the ones you love. We're going to take a unique look at depression here, and how you got depressed. 

Then we're going to look at how it affects others. The good news you will discover here is that you have more control than you thought you did. You have the freedom to choose--and choose again, and again.

Accepting that you have choices is a big step to moving out of your depression, because when you're depressed you probably feel helpless and hopeless most of the time.

You don't have to live with depression. There are many things you can do to help yourself, and you're going to learn about those right here. 

How Did You Get Depressed?

Depression is not a virus that you catch like a cold or the flu. It is a condition that results from a lot of unresolved emotion building up over a long period of time. Let's look at how this happens:

  • Things happened that caused you pain, sorrow and fear.
  • Whether you know it or not, you got angry. But you either didn't express your anger at all, or when you did it got punished or ignored.
  • So you kept all of this inside, sort of giving up on your emotions. And things kept happening that hurt, scared and angered you, but you continued to keep it inside.
  • Your depression began when you realized that you were going to be hurt over and over, and there is nothing you can do about it. Depression hurts, from this perspective, because it's a kind of despair.
  • Depression hurts when emotions are compressed, toxic and not being released--just building and building.

This is all totally normal - not healthy, but normal in the sense that it happens to a lot of people. The reason that depression hurts so many people these days is that being mildly to extremely depressed has become normal--meaning most people are feeling that way. But you don't have to be one of them!

As you can see from the above description of how you got depressed, this can happen to anyone, regardless of what kind of situation you come from. 

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How Does Depression Hurt Your Loved Ones?

If someone loves you, they want to see you happy. So, clearly, with this in mind, your loved ones don't want to see you depressed.

Beyond that, here are some other ways depressions hurts your loved ones:

  • You won't express as much love or joy, and they'll miss that.
  • You won't want to do things with them, so you'll be less of a companion to them.
  • They will see you as fragile or broken, and they will protect you from their own thoughts and feelings--so you can see how depression can cause communication to shut down.
  • They might try to help you, but it won't work, because only you can help yourself. So they will feel angry and helpless when they see you depressed.
  • They will worry about you, and if their pain gets strong enough, they will have to stay away from you for their own well being.

Pretty easy to see how this works, isn't it? I know, if you're depressed, this isn't going to make you feel better. It will probably make you even more depressed.

So why am I telling you? Because there is a certain narcissism in depression, and if you're totally focused on yourself, you may need to remember and focus on what is going on around you

What Can You Do About Depression?

I'm glad you asked! First, consider getting some counseling, which has been found to be more effective than medication for long term healing of depression in some cases.

Also, take a look at these resources for understanding and treating depression:

  • Learn about healing anger and depression together, which can be much more effective than just working on one at at time.
  • Take a look at the various treatments for depression, and consider which one best suits you and your situation.
  • If you're not sure whether you or someone close to you is actually depressed, use this depression test, to figure out exactly where you are in relation to this problem. This will help you identify some of the signs and early warning signs of depression.

That about wraps it up for now. Depression hurts, but it doesn't have to destroy you. Use the above referenced resources, and you will definitely start feeling better.

Learn more about the pain of depression in this Psychology Today article

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