It is my belief that pockets are the finest invention in the history of history. They are great. “Where should I put this?” “Oh, right here in my pocket.” Were it not for pockets, nudism would be far more popular, because the second worst thing about being nude is the lack of pockets. The first is, of course, the many scars that you receive when frying bacon. Just try showing off your grease burned genitals to someone and convince them it isn’t VD. But I digress, I was on the subject of pockets, not the sexual side effects of the nude BLT. If you think about it, the purse, the fanny pack, the back pack, the briefcase, even the wallet were all created to supplement and enhance the pocket. In fact, if you were to have enough pockets, or little enough stuff, you could get away without a house. Want proof? Next time you see a homeless person, ask them to count their pockets. It will take at least two hours. Not that homeless people are stupid. THEY JUST HAVE SO MANY POCKETS. They arrange their entire wardrobe around pockets, which is a very good policy. They have an average of three coats and two pairs of pants. That is a dozen pockets easy! Isn’t hobo arithmetic fun?!

Not that the pocket is all good. The pickpocket is the quintessential criminal from which all others have evolved, but follow me here. Without crime, there would be no law. Without law there would be no lawmakers. Without lawmakers there would be no government. Without government, there would be anarchy! Ergo, ipso facto, habeas corpus, without the pocket, CHAOS! Without the pocket we would be no better than the animals. Except marsupials, who would be better than us. If they weren’t all trapped down there on Australia, kangaroos would have ruled the world. Think about it. All the thumb really does is let you pick up and hold something with one hand instead of two. The pocket lets you hold something with no hands. Advantage, pocket!


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