Countdown to 2016, Part One: Do Not Resolve To Juice Cleanse

7259b417c46c8da4e44301770bdd58b6New Year’s Resolutions are among the most irritating things to hear people talk about. Not only do very few people actually follow through on them, but it speaks of a particular type of sadness that there are those who legitimately need a holiday to do things they should already be doing.


The conspiracy theorist in me also wonders just how much of a New Year’s Resolution tradition is really nothing more than a deeply ingrained habit we have as a culture started by crafty marketers just trying to sell products. You can’t deny that gym memberships, health food companies, nicotine patch systems, investment companies, and other health-and-life conscious businesses make bank in the beginning of every year. Remember that article that went viral a while back about how women never used to shave their legs until the razor blade companies realized they needed to expand their market of customers? In the back of my mind this whole new year-new me crap seems sort of like that.

You may not agree with me, and that’s OK.

What it’s not OK to not agree with me on, though, are about some of your resolutions. If those still end up being the course you take later this week after my compelling argument above, of course.

So in honor of the coming new year, I thought we could do a little countdown here on the blog of things you should not resolve to. I’ve done this before in the past, but sure enough you people found plenty of more contemporary bullshit to replace resolutions of yore.

Here goes:

Countdown to 2016

Part One

Do Not Resolve To Juice Cleanse

I feel as though I’m stating the obvious here when I tell you that your body needs food to survive. Whole foods. Foods you actually have to chew. Chew-chew-chew, swallow, and digest.


And yet somehow, some way, in the last few years a group of people we’ll call Juice Cleansing Imbeciles seem to have lost their way on that one.

First and foremost, the Juice Cleansing Imbeciles are like the anti-vaxxers of health and wellness. Rather than actually read the articles, gather the statistics, and make educated choices, they just go with what sounds like the quickest and easiest way to remove “toxins” from their bodies.

They also believe in magical toxins that can’t be removed by – oh, I don’t know – their livers.


So before you casually join the Juice Cleansing Imbeciles as a part of your new-year-new-me resolution this Friday, consider the following:

  1. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  2. Your liver and kidneys already do a more-than-adequate job of eliminating waste from  your body. No really, empirically, statistically, scientifically… they do.
  3. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  4. When you turn whole foods into juice, all you are doing is eliminating the essential fibers from those foods. Now fibers are called essential because they are what is really needed to keep waste moving through your body. And they also have a whole host of other benefits from cancer prevention to positive heart health. When you remove those essential fibers from the equation, though, you’re left with a glass of sugar.
  5. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  6. The irony is that Juice Cleansing Imbeciles are often also the complete and over-the-top anti-sugar assholes. Being completely unaware that the type and amount of sugar you consume is what determines whether or not it is healthy for you, and obviously ignoring the fact that your brain actually needs sugar to function, these people claim that the best way to be healthy is to cut every last grain of sugar out of their diets. Except when they’re juicing, of course, because living off glass after glass of good tasting natural sugar water is totally fine.
  7. Juice cleansing is bullshit.
  8. Juice cleansing has not been proven, in any independent study, to actually result in weight loss. Or, more importantly, any healthful benefits whatsoever. In fact, some studies have found that juice cleansing actually harmed the participants – from raised blood sugars, to malnutrition, to tooth decay.
  9. Did I mention that juice cleansing is bullshit?
  10. Juice cleansing makes you sound like an arrogant and pompous asshole, who interestingly enough isn’t only an arrogant and pompous asshole but is also a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how to science.


Look, if you like to have a glass of juice when you get up in the morning, or whatever you like to have your juice with, and you want to buy a juicer and make healthier juice than the canned or cartoned crap you buy at the grocery store, that’s fine.

But do not resolve to juice cleanse for some magical health benefits you will never realize. If you want to lose weight, increase your activity or resolve to eat a healthier balance of whole foods, with an increased intake of whole fruits and vegetables. If you want to remove “toxins” from your body, thank your liver and kidneys because they’re already doing the job, in most cases more than adequately.


One thought on “Countdown to 2016, Part One: Do Not Resolve To Juice Cleanse

  1. Well I enjoy your practical post although the words I’d use would be slightly less colorful, 🙂 The same frustration you feel with foolish dieters, I feel as well. I totally agree that physiology has much more to do with how our body reacts to food than people realize. People do seem to grasp at anything to lose weight this time of year and sometimes it’s downright dangerous! The entire process to health involves mental, physical and spiritual changes. Thank you for spreading the word,

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