Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Hospice care has taken on her case. They go to the nursing home she's in and spend time with her, do extensive pain management, and are doing all they can to make her time as less painful and difficult as possible. They bring in their own nurses and social workers for her. They've been so kind to me and I can tell they truly care. I'm glad they're looking after her.

I've been...spiraling. Some days I'm okay, I can handle this, I can survive this and grow. Other days I have to list reasons to not end things. Some days I think I need to be locked away for my own safety. Others I think, when it happens, the relief will overshadow the pain. I don't know.

I'm oddly impressed with myself. Like, I haven't hidden from this shit by cutting, drinking, pills, dating, or sex. But I have been smoking weed. Honestly, the only reason I've survived a few days this past week is weed. It calms me down and stops the panic attacks and overwhelming depression. So I guess I am still self-medicating. Maybe seeing it as an improvement is short-sighted. Who knows. I get through the days and that's the best I can do.

I'm not taking the greatest care of myself. Not eating, isolating, etc. And, for some random reason, it occurred to me that I haven't been taking all the vitamins I should. After weight loss surgery you're supposed to be vigilant with your vitamins and I failed. I take some but not all. And haven't in...two years? So that can't be helping the way I feel physically. So I made a list. And even though they're expensive and I can't really afford it, I'm going to buy them. And take them. It's small but it's something.

When my mom dies, I really will only have myself to live for, to grow for, to succeed for.  I hope I can believe I'm worth it.


  1. You ARE worth it. I hope you can believe that, because I do. And so do lots of others that know you both online and irl.

    Hugs from Arkansas...

  2. Heidi,
    I have been following your journey with your mom and felt compelled to comment.
    Thank the Earth for weed! It truly is a medical relief to so many, including you.
    I hope you feel able to confide in your local friends and find support in them. Grief is such a hard experience, with no/minimal acknowledgement from much of society at large.
    I have worked in the hospice field for almost a decade (!) and I hope their team can bring your mom total comfort.
    Okay, here's the unsolicited suggestion...alert!

    If you are a reader, a book about grief may help you to find a path through the woods. Hospices are required to have a grief support program, they may be able to counsel you over the phone, or refer you to a local program.

    I wish your mom peace, and you as well.

  3. When I was 15, my dad died of lung cancer. He passed at home and had had hospice care for only a very short time. What I remember the best from the day he died was the sunshine coming in through the windows, the quiet (because the machines and TV were off), and the wonderful Hospice nurse who sat with us and comforted my family. It was a relief when my dad finally died. The kind of tension you carry when someone you love is hurting so badly and trying to die is bigger than you think it is at the time.

    I'm glad the weed is helping you get through the day. Whatever helps, you know?

    I'm sending you all my love.


  4. You are so worth it. Big big love and hugs, I know this is a terrible thing to go through, but I'm sending all the love and support I can.

  5. yay weed :) it gets me through too, dude. im sorry you are going through this super sad time with your mum. im glad to hear she's being looked after. you should know that you're not alone and that a stranger on the other side of the world often thinks about you and hopes the best for you x

  6. I thought, when I saw the pumpkin carving pictures, that orange is an appropriate hair colour for you - you're like a phoenix rising from the flame. You've done it so many times, and each time you emerge stronger and more brilliant.

  7. You know not what a marvel you are. What a courageous spirit dwells within you. Nothing - nothing - is wasted or in vain, Beloved.

    Look to your friends, and your fans and readership; even we who have but silently watched over the years. Look to us, for we say to ourselves "What an amazing spirit, has Heidi, who perseveres. And perseveres. And perseveres. Who am I to stop, who am I to give up when she persists in the face of every obstacle?" Trust that even those who have expressed disdain and hatred are paused by your courage. You are a true modern warrior, Beloved. As with so many of these, your field of battle is within. Your struggle and effort is noted and appreciated. You are loved, much more than you know.

    So, for whom should you live, grow and succeed? To do this for yourself is enough and more than enough. Every being alive has the right - and the responsibility - to live.

    But you have more than this. You have your friends; your future; and your Constant Readers for whom you are a light in the darkness.

    Your name is writ in the hearts of many.

  8. Which supplements can't you afford to buy? If you put them in your Amazon wishlist, maybe we could get them for you :)

  9. I know you feel like no one can understand your pain. Unfortunately many of us have gone through similar sadness. You are doing as well as you can. I think it is amazing that you haven't done anything seriously damaging to yourself. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve...There will be relief when it is over but the sadness is and will be there for a long time...maybe forever! are getting through it...good for you.

  10. I recently dealt with hospice caring for a grandparent, and they were incredibly thoughtful, kind, and caring people. I'm glad your mom will have people like that with her, and that they will manage her pain. Don't try to look too far into the future right now! You don't have to think about the next 60 years, just focus on the week, the day, the moment you're in. Vitamins are a good thing, as long as you can afford your meds and them. And food! I know you;re going through a difficult time and the well wishes of internet strangers may not mean much, but you have mine. I check your site often, hoping you have posted, and hoping things are going as well as they can.

  11. You will also have those of us who have followed your writing online. It's not remotely the same, but we love you and want you to live, grow, succeed. Wishing you all the strength and compassion in the universe.

  12. I say celebrate the small victories, especially since shit is so rough right now. Why vilify weed when it's helping you? It's not a bad thing - just roll with it and get what you can from it.

    Also, text me with what kind of vitamins you need. I can probably help you. I'll explain over the phone (or email if you want). ♥

  13. Nevermind texting/emailing me (unless you want to!) - saw that you put the list on Amazon. ♥

  14. please know that she is in the best hands with hospice. my grandmother spent her last five days on earth in a hospice center here in Ohio, and she was so well taken care of. they helped her with her pain and to be comfortable.

    take care of you, however you can, and we're all thinking of you.