

[of Anita's mole]
Tia: What are you doing here?
Bug: It's an ax?
Bug: [getting scared] I'll pass.
[walks away]
Tia: I'm sorry.
Tia: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
[Buck's beat up old car pulls up]
Bug: [sarcastic] Ever hear of a tune up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck: [also sarcastic] Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh!
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck: [serious tone] You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh!
Pooter-the-Clown: What are you? Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?
Pooter-the-Clown: I don't have to take this shit from you. You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a god!
Pooter-the-Clown: Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life-lying-four-flushing-sack-of-shit.
[Buck punches him, gets back up like an inflatable clown, Pooter groans, Buck punches him again]
[Miles is gawking at his birthday breakfast]
Buck Russell: You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.
Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your dad's brother alright.
Buck: The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Tia: Really?
Buck: You bet.
Tia: And how would you know?
Tia: I recommend you stay out of my personal life!
Buck: Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia: They don't know my personal life.
Buck: Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia: His name is Bug.
Buck: [chuckles] First or last?
Tia: First!
Buck: What's his last name, Spray?
Tia: You should talk, Buck!
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid that's my job.
Tia Russell: [eating Chinese take out] This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How do you find the time?
Buck: [struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! Open up! Ugh! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!
[Maisy raises her hand]
Maisy's Teacher: Maisy?
Maisy Russell: My uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maisy's Teacher: Honest?
Maisy Russell: Mm-Hmm.
Maisy's Teacher: Why was your uncle micro waving your socks?
Maisy Russell: He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maisy's Teacher: Blasphemer!
Tia: Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends
Buck: No, I have my orders. What time?
Buck: Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and walk you to your first class. 4:00 okay?
Buck: [is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him] We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia: Try me.
Maisey Russell: I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Miles Russell: [Off screen] Shut up!
Maisey Russell: Shut up, yourself!
Tia Russell: We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.
Tia Russell: Are you crazy?
Buck Russell: I can be.
Tia Russell: You could have taken his head off!
Buck Russell: Yeah, but would he notice?
Buck Russell: How many times a day does the dog eat?
Cindy Russell: How many times do you think?
Buck Russell: I don't know, four or five.
Cindy Russell: He eats once a day.
Buck: Did you brush your teeth?
Miles: Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck: You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it. To see if you actually brushed your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
[Miles imagines hearing sirens, Buck leaves]
Maisy Russell: If that's true, we're gonna really have to start brushing our teeth.
Buck Russell: Do you think she hates me?
Maisy Russell: With a passion.
Buck Russell: Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maisy Russell: No.
Tia: [crying] I'm sorry.
Buck: [struggles to pick a hissing, fighting cat up out of the bushes] Come on.
[takes it into the house]
Buck: Hey who left the cat out?
Maisey Russell: We don't have a cat.
Buck: [takes the cat back out] Shoo.
Anita: I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Tia: Uncle Buck?
Buck: Yeah?
Tia: Got a minute?
Buck: I got lots of minutes.
Tia: [getting angry] You just can't find any way to be cool can you?
Buck: You mean easy? No.
Tia: I mean decent!
Buck: You mean blind!
Tia: Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up Shit Creek and got stuck!
Buck: [looking frustrated] Get used on your parents' time.
[Chanice is listening to an answering machine message from Buck]
Chanice Kobolowski: Dimples!
Buck: What do we call them? One, one was on the right was Lyndon and left was.
Chanice Kobolowski: It's Johnson.
Buck: Johnson.
[Chanice laughs]
Tia: Do have any idea how embarrassing this is? You driving me up to my school where everyone can see you? I can't believe I'm related to you.
Buck: You just get that big stick out of your keester young lady, and we'll get along just fine.
Tia: Can I ask you a personal question?
Buck: Sure.
Tia: Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?
[a very long pause as Buck glances up, then down, and side to side trying to remember and contemplating Tia's question until he makes eye contact with her again]
Buck: No.
Buck Russell: [dancing to Young MC's "Bust a Move"] Hey, nice music! Who is that, the Grass Roots? Just kidding, I know my music!
Buck Russell: [On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh Larry and uh. Larry and uh. Uh Betsy. Betsy, uh Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Oh boy.
Buck: [into the phone] Hey, Bobby we should really get together sometime. I haven't been over at the new house since you moved. By the way, I want to apologize for last year at your old house about those bushes. I had no idea they all would catch on fire like that. You were right. I should never have put the barbeque grill that close.
Miles: Holy smokes!
[turns to Tia and whispers]
Miles: He's cooking our garbage!
Buck: Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things.
[Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]
Miles: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during Flu season!
Maisey Russell: I'll bet she's getting the tongue!
Miles: You always kick me around, I'm an American and I have rights.
Tia: Maisey, do I kick you around?
Maisey Russell: No, but you said 'shit' twice, only once that counts though.
Bob Russell: What about Buck? I'm sure he'd be happy to watch the kids.
Cindy Russell: This is no time to discuss your brother. I don't want him here.
Bob Russell: It's just a thought.
Cindy Russell: He isn't married. He doesn't have kids. He doesn't even work!
Bob Russell: He's a little out there. But he's responsible, and he's family.
Tia Russell: So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell: I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia Russell: Oh really?
Miles: Who's gonna take care of us?
Cindy Russell: Mr. and Mrs. Neville.
Miles: Is that a joke?
Cindy Russell: You don't like the Nevilles?
Miles: Their dog's a ball sniffer.
Cindy Russell: Don't talk like that!
Miles: Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.
Cindy Russell: Don't use that word.
Miles: I don't know another word.
Cindy Russell: Well, I'm sure we can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog.
Buck Russell: [inquiring about the health of Bob's father-in-law] Her dad?
Bob Russell: Hard to say.
Buck Russell: Oh, those medical terms eh?
Miles: Waiting for your sex?
Tia: Shut up!
Buck: Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Cindy Russell: Oh, good.
Tia Russell: If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.
Tia: Let the dog out.
Maisey Russell: Parcey!
[their dog Parcey emerges from the dryer]
[first lines]
Tia: Get your bag off the table, people eat there.
Maisey Russell: People eat off of plates.
Tia: Don't give me any crap, Maizy.
Maisy Russell: They have rent-a-shoes!
Tia: And rent-a-foot disease!
Mr. Hatfield: For crying out loud! It's two a.m.!
Bob Russell: Sorry Mr. Hatfield!
Miles: ...NUTS!
[snaps his fingers]
Buck: [while flipping a huge pancake] Here's where we separate the men from the boys.
Tia Russell: Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?
