Saturday, May 27, 2006

the bird report

Brace yourself for a completely un-baby-related post. Anomalousness!

First of all, I hate birds.

So I have a friend who is experimenting with online dating. She went on a date last week with a man who had seemed promising over email. In person, he turned out to be a bit of a nervous nellie. He also turned out to be a person who has a lot of birds.

How many birds?


He has sixty finches in cages, IN HIS HOUSE. Inside it. Sixty birds inside. Not outside in an aviary. Living inside his house with him.

He used to have 100 finches, but 4o are gone. I don't know where they went, whether they're dead or they moved or what. And we'll never know, because she's never the fuck going out with him again, clearly.* Because one bird is a little creepy, a few birds are quite creepy, and sixty remaining out of a hundred birds is unbelievably-fucking-I'm-dying-about-it-I'm-buried-alive-I've-fallen-out-of-my-spaceship-into-the-oxygen-less-beyond creepy.

*However, if you're reading this blog and you're a woman with 60 finches and you feel that you might be the woman for him, send me an email and we'll find a way to get you together. I hope you're out there. I hope he finds his special, freaky, nervous, bird-loving lady.

Here's what I want to know, what I enjoy puzzling over:

What were the circumstances under which he bought these birds? How did he get to a hundred? Did he buy one of these birds, take it home, like it, and come back the next day for 99 more? Did he all of a sudden decide he was into finches and did he march into the pet store and ask for 100 of them on the first go? Did he buy one bird, then fifteen more, then another one, then fifty more, et cetera? And then how did he get back down to sixty? Did he bring home 100 birds, decide it was too much and then kill them off one by one until it felt right?

In conclusion, vomit.


the beige one said...

shades of Norman Bates territory, is all I can think of.

Eve said...

Holy bird crap, that was so hilarious! I was almost choking to death laughing by the fourth bird photo..
I hope Finn gets your sense of humour, you kill me, seriously!


Dan said...

You're 52 finches short...

He probably breeds them, and has had about a hundred at one point. He'd sell them to pet stores, or on-line, I suppose.

Wait til the H51 viruse hits the US. He'll be finchless.

YogaLia said...

Do you know what that must sound like inside his house? My mom had finches (just 2 or 3 of them) and they chirp all day long. 2 or 3 is a very sweet chirpy-chirp chirp, 60 is the sound of the inside of your brain slowing attacking you.

Kathryn said...

if there is something I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of in this world it's birds. (funny, not owls or eagles, but definitely finches) --- wouldn't surprise me if this guy turned up in the evening news

kww said...

Is it okay to like birds that are outside the house? Most birds seem really nice to me. In fact, it seems to me the women of my family all like birds. And except for my great grandmother who had ONE canary at a time in the house they only have statue like things of birds. Although my mom does get a little obsessive about that book "bird by bird," and we even say it in a funny voice that ~almost~ is mocking. I have a friend who doesn't like birds loose in the house (and I completely get that) and I know a woman who has a few (I don't know maybe 8) finches and (except for the mess and smell) I could see that too. I am allergic to birds myself, but my son likes them and can identify more birds than cars--which I thought was sweet. But, now eesh, you've got me questioning the whole bird thing.

In other news, I wish my single friends were using an on-line dating service--sounds VERY entertaining! (of course, I really wish they were finding love--oy I am quite inarticulate--please just know what I mean).

bladio said...

i do not care for birds AT ALL, whether inside or outside the house. blech.

Anonymous said...

Nnnnngggaaacccck. Birds are frickin creepy. Hate them. Indoor birds. Hate them.

Anonymous said...

He ate the other 40 with some fava beans and a nice chianti...

I love birds, but having any indoor birds, be two or twenty in number, would drive me batty.

Or birdy.

Either way. ACK!