What Will Her Baby "Be"?

I keep thinking about a conversation I had on Wednesday with a dear friend who's pregnant. This is the friend I'm going to knit the baby blanket for, but to preserve her anonymity, I'll call her... Martha. How's that for a nice, anonymous name?

Martha is like me. She's also half black and half Irish, and, like me, identifies as being both black and biracial. Despite both being told at various times in our lives that we talk "white" or act "white", neither of us have ever identified as white. We like being black and neither of us is totally crazy.

No wait, that's not true! A dozen years ago on an American Airlines flight out of Birmingham, Alabama, I told my seat mate that I was white. He was an older white gentleman who chose to try to strike up the, "I'll bet your people are just so proud of that Barack Obama Tiger Woods, aren't ya?" conversation.

"What do you mean?" I replied.

"Y'know. 'Cause he's a black fella playing golf. Not to many of y'all black folks playing golf, now are there?" I remember he laughed and slapped his knee.

That's when my 23 year-old sort-of-crazy self decided to say, "Yeah... Tiger's great. As a white woman, I admire everything he's accomplished. It's amazing."

You can imagine how that stopped the laughter. "Whadda ya mean? You're not a white woman! Just look at yerself!"

I gave him my best, OMG, how could you say that I'm not white, I'm sooo shocked look, and said to the man, "Well, my daddy's white and you know, according to the old European patrilineal descent laws, that means I'm white." Then I calmly gave him my dazzling "How ya like me now!" smile.

He pushed the flight attendant button and asked to have his seat changed.

And that's the only time I've ever told someone that I'm white. Doing so in this country is completely unacceptable. We like our one drop rule here and it keeps us comfortable because that's the way it's always been. Black is black, as folks like to say.

In case someone takes me bringing all this up as a sign that I want to be white because of deeply ingrained self-hate, nooo, that's not the case. I just find how we rub along with these man-made racial definitions pretty fascinating and sometimes I like to push buttons just to see what happens. Plus, I've never "bought" that acknowledging and loving my Irish heritage means that I don't want to be black. Gosh, we're brainwashed, aren't we?

Anyway, my girlfriend, Martha, got married late last year to an awesome guy who's also Irish. They came out from NYC for a quick visit this week and of course we got to talking about the baby. She started telling me how she's thinking a whole lot lately about what the baby's going to look like and of course, this led to a conversation about race and what's the baby going to be identified as. "Be", as in, what race the baby is going to be.

Some people might think it's a silly thing to think about because a pregnant woman should just be thinking about delivering a healthy baby, but, again, this is America. We have race on the brain all the time, as evidenced by the fact that we're once more living in the days of the never ending discussion about whether or not Obama's actually black, even though he self-identifies as black.

Martha's going to have a baby that's essentially 3/4 Irish and 1/4 Grenadian. Clearly the baby's going to navigate it's own identity, but what does Martha do as a mother when she'll be required to "assign" an identity to her child? Or when other folks try to assign that identity? Does she adhere to the one drop rule which says that one drop of black blood equals black? Does she go old-school and say that her baby is a quadroon? Does she say that the baby is bi-racial, or does she say that her baby is white?

I think Martha's leaning toward seeing her baby as being black. And indeed, to claim blackness is something to be proud of, even if, sadly enough, it really isn't seen as something desirable in our culture. But, Martha was also talking about how, depending on what the baby looks like, she can see it going around saying, "I'm black!" and getting some crazy stares. We both know folks who have experienced this, folks who strongly identify as black, despite looking "white". Yeah, those are the folks who usually get told fun stuff like that they only claimed to be black so they could get an admissions edge at college.

Thinking about all this feels like trying to make sense out of system that's insane. I told Martha how the baby will have to find its own way, carve out its own identity, but that ultimately, the baby's "race" is going to be the least important thing about it when it's born. It's going to be a beautiful baby because it'll be loved and cherished.

But really, I don't have any easy answers for all this. Do you? What do you think?


Jameil said…
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!! this race stuff is so crazy! i thought all black people had that what will my baby be thought when they were preggers. you never know when the genes are gonna snatch back and put some blond hair on your baby's head or green eyes in her face. can you imagine people not thinking your child is yours? awful. she should ask her mom what she did. i would interview every interracial parent i knew if i was in her spot! but you know i love interviewing people anyway! lol. i think you're right tho, the baby, like all of us, will just have to find his or her own way.

the dude who asked to have his seat changed? love it! he so deserved that!! jerk.
First I can't believe that guy wanted his seat changed. ha.

Second, I agree with you. Her baby is going to find her own way. I would make sure she know all about her heritage black and white. I feel as long as you know who you are, later for those fools who try to tell you differently
Anonymous said…
I believe, and have also read, that we identify with what we see in the mirror. In my mirror, I look very No. Ireland, and people think I'm from there. But I'm only 1/2 No. Ireland.

My hope is that when her baby's born no one will give a rats ass about whether she's black or white or maroon or caramel colored or albino.

I can dream....
Anonymous said…
The Children find their own identity, I am the Black Child of a Biracial Mother and I am totally African! I have a Biracial Child (African and Arab) She identifies as European and I am totally relaxed about it, she never acknowledges her Arab part and actually she looks Arabian more than anything else!
Anonymous said…

Well said!
Lisa Blah Blah said…
"...those are the folks who usually get told fun stuff like that they only claimed to be black so they could get an admissions edge at college." Hey, that's me! No, seriously, I really debated what to check off when I was applying to colleges. I know that because of my white appearance I haven't experienced anything near the prejudice that my darker cousins have, and I certainly didn't want to "steal" somebody else's spot. At the same time, my grandparents were very active in the civil rights struggle, and I grew up hearing stories about how, as light-skinned as my family was, they still experienced racism -- not getting hired for jobs, not being able to buy a house in a certain neighborhood even though they had the funds, etc. My grandfather told us stories about his grandmother Mollie, who was a former slave and lived with him while he was growing up. How can I not identify as black? That's my family's cultural history.

See what you started? I could write for hours about this. But similar to you, I identify both as multiracial (black/white/Native American) and as black, because that's how my family identifies. Your friend's baby may feel the same - or, growing up in a different world, may reject being pigeonholed. Who can say? I strongly feel it's up to the individual to identify him or herself. I don't think it's fair for other people to tell you what you are, like that guy on the plane. It's not his place to say.

And that's my 22 cents. ;-) Sorry you asked??
Natasha said…
Definitely been there, and now with four kids with three sets of ancestors and four very different physical 'looks', I just stick with multiracial. My kids know who they came from, and as they get older they will decide their own racial identities--and I will respect their choices.

But for now, I tell them that they are multiracial; they are biracial; they are Black and White; they are Black and Irish; they are Cherokee and White. Although their physical appearances will certainly inform some of their experiences (as has mine), that doesn't change their ancestral history.
Jen said…
I imagine the baby will find her own way. And that way may take different directions at different points.

"He pushed the flight attendant button and asked to have his seat changed."

I laughed out loud at that one, Liz.

But the main thing, as you said, is that this baby will be loved and have wonderful parents. That's all that matters.
Anonymous said…
I am biracial and have a son with a white man, so my son is 3/4 white and 1/4 black. He identifies himself as "mixed." He's always saying stuff like "they're just trying to keep the mixed kid down." He says that to the racial taunts of black and white kids. He so funny and seems to be finding his own little nitch in the race world. I'm sure your friends kid will too after all you did.
Anonymous said…
I think about this all the time too. I'm biracial, and I'm involved with a white man. I'm constantly wondering what our child will "be" - and this may sound strange, but I'm always have this guilty thought that I'll be "drowning out" his or her blackness. I know it's kind of twisted, but at times I feel like a traitor.

Ugh. Race.. the never ending saga.
Liz Dwyer said…
Yes, he moved his seat! The flight had already been delayed by two hours and I was just feeling really mischievous so I went ahead and said that! Sometimes I think about how it might have been a really big effort for him to talk to someone black and he was just trying to find what he thought was a common ground. I guess I ruined it though! I can only imagine what he'd write on his blog about it! Hah! And yes, genes will do whatever they want to do. When my sons are out with my husband he often gets asked whose kids they are, which is weird to me because I think they look like him. Then there's my girl who married a Korean guy and their baby looks totally Korean. She's is getting that too. And of course, I'm fully prepared to be out with my dad in four days (yay!) and get asked, "Are you together?"

It's one of the zaniest moments I've ever experienced. The poor flight attendant was sooo confused and even though he'd gotten all quiet, I hadn't exactly expected him to ask for a new seat. A drink, maybe, but not a new seat! I think my friend will definitely make sure her baby knows all about his/her heritage. There's no doubt about that!

Dreaming is always a good thing! Some people probably will care a whole lot about it, simply because culturally, we're taught to care. I well remember how before my sons were born people I'd known for years, folks I wouldn't have expected it from, started engaging me in conversations about hair texture and skin color and how since there are white folks in my husband's family as well, maybe the "white" genes would dominate. Of course, nowadays everyone loves my sons and I don't even think some of those folks remember the things they said!

The children do find their own identity, that's for sure. Where did you grow up and where did you raise your daughter? I think some of this definitely depends on where you grow up. I feel like here in the States there's more receptivity on the coasts to people being able to people being able to find their own identities. In the Midwest where I grew up, particularly in smaller towns, it often feels like there are still very rigid ideas of what whiteness is, blackness is, etc.

How great is it that your grandfather told you all those stories about his grandmother so that you have that cultural history. You do still experience racism, even if you're lighter. Sometimes people forget that though because of the way lighter skin is venerated by some. Total tangent but wasn't Tyra Banks just making some silly comments this week about how great the dominance of lighter-skinned black women in the media is because they can open up doors for darker women? Ridiculousness!

You just named something so important -- the parent respecting the choices of the children. So often, parents want to just set the identity of the kids and do not recognize how times may be different from when they were coming up. And I think the possible differences between physical appearance and ancestral history is a really interesting thing to observe. It can be painful at times to go through it, but it's definitely interesting.

It still makes me laugh too, all these years later. It makes me glad that I sometimes say and do exactly what pops into my head! And yes the love and their great parenting will certainly be what matters most. I can't wait to meet the baby. I want a "her", because since I didn't get blessed with girls, I want to spoil someone elses!
Liz Dwyer said…
You're biracial??? OMG! Oh, wait, you're my sister! LOL! (yes, the 100 degree heat is affecting my brain!) See, I wanted to mention y'all in my post but I was trying to preserve your anonymity! But yes, I told "Martha" all about my cute and smart nephew and his activism! She was so curious to see pictures of him and wondered if her baby will come out looking like him. I told her there's no way hers will be that cute unless it's a girl! Seriously though, he is totally finding his way, and I'm glad he has you to support him because you know how some folks we know have issues with him saying he's mixed and are bothered by the fact that he doesn't only say that he's black. Sigh!

I SO hear you on this! Sometimes I feel like when I'm around certain black folks I get "points" for marrying a black man, that it seems like I somehow am affirming my own blackness by doing so. And if I'd married a white man that that would have meant I was trying to get away from being black. I even had someone tell me that I "went black" because I had a black mom and she raised me right to know who I really am, "Unlike most of those other mixed girls with their white mamas..." And then she came over to my house, started flipping through photo albums and saw the pictures of my Persian prom date... hah hah!

Anyway, I remember how folks started asking me in high school if I was gonna marry a white man or a black man. It annoyed me so much that I started answering that I was going to marry someone half Asian and half Latino. Their response? "Well your kids will still be black then, right?" Aagh! Race does feel like a never-ending saga!
Felicity said…
Your friend's baby will be mixed race and I wish her a successful birth. The world is increasing very mult-racial and he/she will find her own way.
Anonymous said…
Being unambiguously white I've obviously never had this dilemma, but I can see how complex and fraught it can get, particularly with other people's bizarre reactions to how you see yourself. And I agree the important thing is for kids to determine their own identity and not have an identity thrust on them.

I guess it's a bit like the dilemma of what nationality you identify with. Am I British, English, Northern Irish, Irish, European? And again other people may try to tell me which one I am and I have to refute them. And again there's prejudice depending on how people see me - okay if I'm Irish, but less okay if I'm British.

If only we could just be human beings and not have to wrestle with all these explosive labels!

As for the guy who had his seat changed - completely incredible! Does he have sawdust for brains??
Anonymous said…
the last noel said…
I keep thinking that old guy who sat next to you will die soon and his way of thinking will go along with him--I hope!

I've actually become more sensitive to biracial issues in the last ten years. It is the wave of the future.

Tiger Woods is also Asian. I know someone trying to start a Thai Studies program here at UCLA and is dying to get a hold of the Woods clan for seed money.
thailandchani said…
I like "multiracial" best. It's not fair to anyone to force them to lump themselves into one or another. The best way to put an end to all the pidgeon-holing is to simply start doing it. If the truth was told (six degrees of separation, no separation, etc), we are all multiracial.
Liz Dwyer said…
I know she's definitely thinking about the birth as well, and the whole midwife vs OBGYN thing. I think we've all been waiting for this baby for a while. It's going to be a beautiful thing!

"Being unambiguously white I've obviously never had this dilemma..." Oh, that made me laugh so hard!

But you're so good at stepping into other people's shoes. I can definitely see how for you if you were to say you're Irish, some will hate you and if you say you're a Brit, others will hate you.

Hi NBC/Universal A/K/A "Anonymous,"
I know someone at your company probably thinks it's a good idea to put the word "baby" into google blogsearch, see what comes up, and then try to get some free advertising off of folks' blogs by leaving supposed comments. It's NOT a good idea.

Maybe one of the babies threw up on you and so you lost your decency, but if you want to advertise your show on someone's blog, you need to compensate the blogger.

In fact, I would have deleted your "comment" except that I want to tell everybody that I hope they don't watch the show. I definitely won't since you want to resort to such underhanded tactics.

The sad thing is that according to the way our society works, and according to the guy on the plane, Tiger's not supposed to really acknowledge that he's Asian. When that guy on the plane, (and so many others actually), looks at Tiger, he see a black man and that's all. Folks don't care what Tiger's actual heritage is or what he's chosen to define himself as. He's black, and that's that. Him saying otherwise gets translated into self hatred. I hope that way of thinking dies out as well, but we keep teaching our attitudes to the new generation.

Thai studies would be very cool. I hope Tiger helps out with it.

We are only one human race and most rational folks now acknowledge that. However, we continue to abide by all the traditional racial classifications. We are existing and trying to create a new way of doing and being but we keep bumping our heads against the constraints of the old system. This is such a time of change for our world, for our society. The old habits and ideologies can't fall away quickly enough for me.
Unknown said…
It's funny b/c I just had a conversation similar with my biracial cousin who calls himself halfrican. He has a brother and sister who refuse to identify as black due to their complexion but their hair reflects ethnic. (Can't say black or any other race...just not silk straight.)

Now that he is not under his mother's rule he identifies more with the black race but recognizes that when he does have a child and depending on the race of his wife, his child will have to make a choice.

Honestly, I could care less. I have light skin although both of my parents are black. We have a lot of Irish in our family (both sides) but that has not stopped genetics from making themselves known. I wish we could live in a world not just a country in which it does not matter.

To be honest I never knew I was considered light skin until I went to middle school. Not b/c everyone in my family lacks dark pigmentation, but b/c we never discussed the different hues. And b/c of that I was considered biracial. My family represents the rainbow yet no one ever discussed the colors. It was normal. We are family. We are people and that's all it needs to be.

I hope that your friend (and from what you wrote she will) embraces her child and provides love before race identification. That foundation will allow the fortitude to ignore the questions and be comfortable with them self.
Anonymous said…
Well I was born in Europe raised in Africa (5 to 18), My child is being raised in Europe! So it does depend on location plus we live in a predominantly white area in a small town and I have not be forceful in pushing "Africaness" though obviously I do adher to some of custom and practice, I was raised with and maintain very strong ties with Africa. So it no surprise that I am African and my daughter European. One thing I will say the definitions of mixed race people changes with time and location. I cannot comment on the American situation as that is totally different and I am sure my daughter's attitude may be met with a different response.
Anonymous said…
yes, well it's an unanswerable question --one that martha's child will have to answer for him/herself --possibly on a daily basis. i really think america's ideas of race are changing--and that change will accelerate as people are more exposed to blended families like future President Obama's.
Anonymous said…
ARGH! Well my 'racial categorization' may be Black but on some level we all have to find our place in the world. I've been questioned about my 'Blackness' based on my musical taste by some people. Ridiculous! A lot of this pressure comes from living in the US due to slavery and those miscegenation laws. A lot of it comes from people insisting on conforming to strict 'cultural' definitions which is really their limited views.

This need for categorization is not quite the same thing in Europe and Africa. The Irish have Samantha Mumba after all! I think a healthy respect for oneself, a proper historical perspective, an awareness of how prejudices and desires for 'conformity' will occur but that's other people's issues and having a moral compass and empathy and the love and acceptance of the parents will certainly comfort their child. Also struggling through challenging situations builds our character.

There are other circumstances that could occur that may shift the focus, for example having a gay or transgendered child.

The antiracistparent.com website is a good resource. I'd also like to add there is an emotional component to this but we should always remember the reason these things are in place is due to political expedience by people wanting to maintain status.
Unknown said…
hey! how timely, run over to MyUrbanReport.com, Amani did an awesome interview with Soledad O'Brien, my cuz shot the footage! I always wondered how she felt about this subject matter. It is what is SO beautiful about our blackness~ our multifaceted, multi-cultural, diverse, all-encompassing, gumbo, masala, rainbow, globally discussing, blackness.
Liz Dwyer said…
Moody Gemini,
You're really fortunate that your family did not compare or contrast the diversity of skin color, or dwell on it in a negative matter. We should see that variety of hues as a beautiful thing -- but sadly I know so many folks who were made to feel "less than" in their families because they were darker or had hair that was less "good" than other relatives. Like you, in my experience, school is where I definitely began to first feel that real sense of otherness. There's such a powerful socialization that takes place in schools. I wish every school had a racial unity curriculum.

Such an interesting experience you've had with spending time in both Europe and Africa. That is one thing I think a lot of us Americans miss out on. We don't necessarily move to another part of the world and it often seems like we don't travel as much outside the US as other folks around the world do. And of course with airfares being the way they are, that's not likely to change in the next year... Anyway, the definitions of who's white, who's black, etc, do shift with time and location. There is not a consistency around the world, which further points to the truth that "race" is a man-made concept and that identity is a fluid concept.

I totally agree. We've definitely come a long way even if we still have so far to go.

I know exactly what you mean about the musical taste, because I definitely got pegged as the weird mixed girl lots of times because of the eclectic mix of what I listened to and who I associated with. I don't know how much that has really changed for teens but it seems like kids can listen to a wider variety of stuff these days. And it is so very important to have that awareness of how the desire for conformity and prejudices impact things. I love Antiracist Parent too and write for them on occasion.

Very cool! I'll check out the link to the interview. I've always liked her and she has a really interesting family story.
Miriam said…
Hi Liz,

I like /admire how you identify as black and IRISH. as opposed to just white. That reminds me that there are different groups even within the white culture.

re: your friend. I hope she has lots of healthy babies and range all over the scope of colors! I hope this for all IRs.
Anonymous said…
I love that you told that guy that you were white (the fact he asked to have his seat changed as a result is a amusing as it is disturbing).

Well, I used to think I had this race thing all figured out, but I am probably not as clear as I would hope to be by now. What the child looks like racially is not nearly as important as her health but I do get the curiosity.
Liz Dwyer said…
The Irish are yet another example of the fluidity of racial classification/identity. Interestingly enough, they weren't considered "white" for a long time and being Irish was considered undesirable.

I always laugh when I think about it but yes, very VERY disturbing. I couldn't believe it! A healthy baby is the most important thing, but sometimes folks get too caught up in worrying about hair texture and skin color. It's crazy!
Tafari said…
"He pushed the flight attendant button and asked to have his seat changed." Shit!!! That sounds like one of my adventures!!! LOL

Marta's baby is gonna be Nigra. Like you said, this is America!

Anonymous said…
To me, you 're 'Mixy -Mixy'. My '3rd favorite race' and 'very important to me'. I call myself, to be in '2 racial groups' (www.myspace.com/michaelshenton) -'Olive' as in 'Olive -Skinned' and 'Mixy -Mixy'. I HOPE, that 1, you will join the 'Mixed -raced ALL-iance' and 2, 'Jesus' (himself) blesses you!!
Love -Mike.

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