I curse a fair amount, and while some people think that’s low class, to me it’s just second nature. My dad cursed so much that by the time I was a teen, I was swearing to express everything from happiness to anger to what I wanted for lunch. And I never really thought about it. Until I had kids.

Once there were babies around me, I toned it all the way down, substituting obscenities with silly sayings like “fudge” and “shut the front door.” I was on a mission to be the perfect mother, and my toddler dropping F-bombs at the park didn’t fit that goal. But the more kids I had and the older they got, the harder it was for me not to curse. Once I started using bad words again, I never turned back.

And I’ve always had a rule in my house that went like this: I can curse, but you can’t.

You might think that’s hypocritical, but when my kids swear I go #@!* crazy.  They have no reason to curse, but I do, and here’s why:

Cursing lets them know I’m serious: When children are really young, a stern look and a pointed finger work fine, but when your 9-year-old is body-slamming his little brother, polite requests don’t cut it.  “Don’t you #@*# dare” ― that does the trick. When my kids are attacking each other in the back seat of the car, my swinging arm does nothing, but “I’ll pull this *#$@ car over” usually works. After several calm requests, “Get in the *#@*^ shower,” and “Do your #@*# homework,” is the only way $*@^* gets done in my house!

Cursing makes me feel better: By the 25th time my kid spills Cocoa Puffs and milk all over the kitchen, I just need that release. If I’m getting on the floor to clean, letting out a loud #@*^ makes me feel a little calmer. When I’m frustrated because my 6-year-old has been chewing a piece of chicken for 14 minutes and refuses to swallow, a little curse helps the process move along faster. I’m doing everyone a favor.

I’ve already given up a lot: I knew that becoming a parent meant sacrifices but, I mean, come on. I’ve given up so much already, like sleep, a taut stomach, a car I enjoy driving, relaxing weekends, wearing a bathing suit, R-rated movies, personal space, my bank account, my car radio, etc. I had no choice about giving up a lot of those things (see, for example, my minivan). But I have a choice whether or not to curse.  So I’m choosing #*^!*.

But every day, my children remind me that no matter how much I threaten punishment, if I’m cursing, they’re cursing too, and I’m beginning to second guess my rule.

Dr. Matthew Goldfine, a clinical psychologist with offices in Cresskill and New York City who specializes in the treatment of children, believes parents are role models for their children, no matter how hard we try not to be.

“If you’re doing something frequently, your children will likely follow suit,” he said. “So a rule punishing your kids for cursing, while you do it often, is not only unrealistic but not very fair.”

Goldfine explained that children have a hard time understanding why they can’t mimic a parent’s behavior. But that doesn’t mean he thinks parents should never curse.

“Even the calmest parent will get angry and yell from time to time, and that’s perfectly normal,” he said. “So while cursing in front of children isn’t ideal, realistically it’s something some parents may do automatically. Instead of making blanket rules, parents who curse should figure out how to do it in a way that has the least negative impact on their children.”

To that end, Goldfine suggests that parents explain to their children why they’ve cursed, and under which circumstances that might be OK. “Rather than expecting your kids to never curse, it’s wiser to explain that when they’re in a private place with friends and family, saying certain words in certain situations may not be as bad as if you’re cursing at a teacher or in public,” he said, adding that a lot depends on your child’s development level. “If you know your child can’t handle the responsibility of knowing bad words and having permission to sometimes use them, then you may need to pay attention to not cursing as much.”

Likewise, he cautioned that a parent who never wants a child to swear may want to reassess their own behavior.

Goldfine also encourages parents not to go in the other direction and pretend curse words don’t exist. “If you have a 10- or 12-year-old child, they’ve probably heard most or all of the words out there, so addressing the issue earlier and explaining to them what those words are and why certain words may be more or less bad than others lets you lay a good foundation.” He notes that the cursing he’s referring to is the innocuous kind – a bad word here or there – rather than hateful speech or racial slurs, which he says are never appropriate.

So Goldfine believes that for some families, where the children understand the proper context for using bad words and the parents are OK with their children occasionally doing so, cursing might not be so bad. But my blanket rule — that only I can curse at will — is not very reasonable, after all.

I’m not so sure my children can handle permission to curse yet, so for now I’ll try to tone it down a bit. And until they’re ready to curse appropriately, I’m prepared to offer them a deal:  Kids, while you are under my roof I will clothe you, feed you, drive you and pay for you, and in exchange, don’t curse. Do we have a deal?

Good. ’Cause you have no *^#@* choice. 

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