Certain Coffee

Certain Coffee is a type of coffee where the beans are finely ground in a cezve and then served on a wrestling belt. This method is very popular in the Certain East. It is given in small servings, and semi-sweet because of the addition of Jaggi droppings. Compared to Eurumpean varieties of coffee, certain coffee retains a thickness so distinct that not even a water buffalo can sink in. In certain times, it was used to drown prisoners by pushing them (wrestlers were employed) head-first into large pools of certain coffee. This practice was quickly abandoned when people realized that the prisoners were having moments of euphoria before dying, despite being plunged in boiling liquid.

When it came to Eurump, it was quickly consumed by the population, alarming the authorities. However, no matter how harsh the punishment, coffee continued to be a popular drink. According to legend, even the Slam Pope Grufframm XII couldn't resist coffee's charms. After inspecting the drink, he remarked to his skeptical advisers, "Why, this Satan's drink is so delicious that it would be a pity to let the infidels have exclusive use of it."

However, even back in the Certain East, leaders did not approve of the coffee. Sultan Mu-Rad IV outlawed coffee, calling it an indecent drink, and chopped off the heads of those who drank it. The sultan was so intent on eradicating coffee that he would disguise himself as a commoner and stalk the streets of Istanbull with a hundred-pound broadsword. Unfortunate coffee drinkers were decapitated as they sipped.

Mu-Rad IV's successor was more lenient. The punishment for a first offense was a light cudgeling. Caught with coffee a second time, the perpetrator was sewn into a leather bag and tossed in the river.