How to Overcome Social Anxiety

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Updated: December 6, 2019


Part 1 of 6:
Recognizing Social Anxiety

  1. 1
    Understand symptoms of social anxiety. There are some common symptoms or experiences of social anxiety. Common markers of anxiety disorders include:[1]
    • Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations that generally others would not find overly stressful.
    • Extreme worry about social situations for days, weeks, or even months beforehand.
    • Intense fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you do not know.
    • Avoiding social situations to a degree that limits your activities or disrupts or otherwise negatively impacts your life.
    • Fear of humiliation.
    • Fear that others will notice that you are nervous and react negatively.
  2. 2
    Understand physical symptoms. While experiencing anxiety affects the way you feel emotionally, your body creates triggers to clue you in on how you’re feeling. People with social anxiety may experience:[2]
    • Blushing
    • Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing
    • Nausea, or “butterflies”
    • Shaky hands or voice
    • Racing heartbeat
    • Sweating
    • Feeling dizzy or faint
  3. 3
    Learn to recognize your triggers. Different people with social anxiety have different triggers, although many are pretty common. By knowing what causes you to react with anxiety, you can start to process these experiences in a more positive manner. It may be obvious, or sometimes seemingly random. Sometimes keeping a journal can help pinpoint common experiences. For example:
    • Do you feel anxiety when you walk into a classroom? Is it the same for math class as it is for art class?
    • Do certain people, like your boss or coworkers, trigger anxiety when you interact with them?
    • Do you feel anxiety in social situations? Is it the same for a restaurant as for a concert? Is a group of close friends different than strangers?
  4. 4
    Pay attention to situations you tend to avoid.
    • Do you always sit by yourself at lunch, rather than asking to sit with others?
    • Do you always turn down invitations to parties?
    • Do you avoid family get-togethers?
    • Do you avoid using public restrooms?
    • Some other common triggers include:[3]
      • Meeting new people
      • Being the center of attention
      • Being watched while doing something
      • Making small talk
      • Being called on in class
      • Making phone calls
      • Eating or drinking in public
      • Speaking up in a meeting
      • Attending parties

Part 2 of 6:
Tackling Fears Using A List Method

  1. 1
    Face your fears. Many people who suffer from social anxiety tend to avoid their fears rather than facing up to them. Although this can help to alleviate social anxiety in the short-term, it can actually make the anxiety worse in the long-run. Facing your fears is always difficult and requires a lot of bravery and determination, but if you want to cure your anxiety it is something you must do.[4]
  2. 2
    Write a list of situations that trigger social anxiety. Once you’ve identified your triggers, write them down. Then, look at your list and arrange the triggers from least threatening to most threatening. At the bottom of the list might be making eye contact while speaking, in the middle may be asking a stranger for directions; the top of the list might be asking someone to a dinner date or singing karaoke.[5]
    • If you struggle to rank your fears, try assigning them numbers. Give a 1 to "scary" triggers, a 2 to "quite scary," and a 3 to "terrifying."
  3. 3
    Start tackling your list. Make a goal to tackle one list item every week. Start with the items you gave a “1” rating, and work up the list. You want to start with the more manageable items first and build your confidence as you attempt more and more challenging items.
    • Remember that you get credit for just trying--you may need more than one attempt to succeed. Every 'failure' is one step closer to succeeding.
      • People with anxiety tend to take an "all or nothing" approach--either you summon up the courage to ask to sit next to someone at the coffeeshop, or you fail forever. If you did not do it today, try again tomorrow or next week.
      • You may have to break down big goals into little goals. For instance, if you are finding it difficult to ask to sit next to someone at the coffeeshop, you may need to find a smaller, related goal. Maybe smile at a stranger at the coffeeshop? Or sit kind of close to a stranger? For some people, it may be to even go in the cafe at all!
    • Start with small, easily reached goals. It may be too daunting to even start at a "1". It is better to gain confidence through baby steps than to try to bite off too much at once.
    • Treat the list as cumulative. If you start feeling stressed and anxious, then take a short break before moving on. It’s okay to re-evaluate your goals and move at your own pace.

Part 3 of 6:
Practicing Social Anxiety Skills

  1. 1
    Practice relaxation techniques. If you're struggling to feel comfortable in new social situations, learn ways to relax yourself. Meditation and exercises like yoga and tai chi are techniques you can use to calm down and prepare yourself to face your challenges calmly.[6]
    • If you carry tension in your muscles, tighten your whole body for three seconds (including your hands, feet, jaw, neck, etc.), then release. Do this two more times and feel the tension leave your body.
    • Learn to recognize your body overreacting to feelings of anxiety and immediately practice calming yourself in those situations.
  2. 2
    Use breathing techniques. People who suffer from social anxiety often find themselves in situations where their panic gets the better of them and they have difficulty breathing. In this situation, one of the best ways to regain control and calm your mind is just to focus on your breathing.[7]
    • Inhale deeply through the nose for six seconds. Feel the breath moving down through your chest, into the pit of your stomach.
    • As you breathe focus solely on the movement of air in and out of your body.
    • Exhale slowly through your mouth for another six seconds. Repeat this exercise until you begin to feel calm again.
  3. 3
    Pick a mantra or a "pump-up" song. Recite a comforting prayer, line of poetry, or famous quotation, something that inspires you and that you can return to when feeling anxious. Find a song that inspires confidence you can listen to as you drive to a social gathering or before a big presentation.
    • Even something as simple as "I can do this" will help you center yourself and feel confident.
  4. 4
    Change your diet. Stimulants such as caffeine and nicotine can increase anxiety symptoms. Alcohol can also trigger anxiety attacks, so be careful when drinking. Know the difference between drinking to calm nerves and drinking in excess.[8]

Part 4 of 6:
Changing Your Mentality

  1. 1
    Identify negative thoughts. When you experience social anxiety, chances are your thoughts are to blame in creating negative experiences, so start to observe the thoughts you have, then begin to challenge them. Some common thought patterns include:[9]
    • Being a mind reader – You assume you know other people’s thoughts, and they are thinking negatively about you.
    • Fortune telling – You attempt to predict the future by assuming a bad outcome. You “know” that something bad will happen so you feel anxious even before anything happens.
    • Catastrophizing – You assume the worst situation can and will happen to you.
    • Making it about you – You assume that others are negatively focusing on you or assume that what other people are doing or saying is about you.
  2. 2
    Challenge your negative thoughts. Once you have learned to identify your negative thoughts, you must begin to analyze and challenge them.[10] Ask yourself questions about the thought and test whether or not it's really true. Use logic and evidence to disprove these automatic, negative thoughts.[11]
    • For instance, if you are afraid to go to a party because everyone will notice that you're nervous and sweating, try something like, "Wait a minute. I was invited to this party because these people are my friends and they want to see me and spend time with me. There will be tons of people there, do I really think I'm going to be the focus of their attention? Will my friends even care if they notice that I'm nervous?"
  3. 3
    Use positive affirmations.[12] Instead of engaging in negative thoughts, replace them with positive thoughts. When a negative thought pops up, follow the same protocol of first challenging that thought with evidence to the contrary, then give yourself a positive message to say to yourself.
    • For instance, if you think, "No one really wants me to come to the party," you can challenge that with: "They invited me, so obviously they want me at the party. The hostess even texted me yesterday to say she really hopes I can make it." Then look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself: "I am funny and fun to be around, and anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend."
    • Other positive affirmations for someone dealing with social anxiety might be: "I am working to feel more comfortable with social situations every day. I know with practice and patience I will feel more comfortable in social situations."[13]
    • You can also write positive messages on sticky notes and put them around your house or stick them to your mirror.
  4. 4
    Decrease your self-focus. To reduce the concentration on yourself, engage with your surroundings. Observe the people around you and your environment. Focus on listening to what is being said, and stay away from engaging negative thoughts.[14]
    • When you notice yourself focusing on your thoughts or what people think of you, flip your attention away from yourself.
  5. 5
    Assign less value to the responses of others. Lots of anxiety comes from feelings of being judged. Other people may not always agree with you or respond to you, but this is not a reflection on you or your abilities. Everyone experiences social interactions where they get along with other people great, and times where they don't hit it off. It's just part of life, and has nothing to do with how likable you are. You're working toward comprehensive confidence, so what matters most is that you're working on your list. You're trying![15]

Part 5 of 6:
Using Good Social Skills

  1. 1
    Ask questions. One of the easiest ways to get more comfortable in one-on-one conversations or group discussions is to ask questions. You'll put others at ease if you ask sincere and open-ended questions. Start with general questions, such as “What have you been up to today?” or “How did your presentation go?”[16]
    • Open-ended questions allow the responder to say whatever she wants to say, without being confined to a simple yes or no. If you ask, “Do you want to see that movie?” it may not elicit as much of a response as “What do you think about that movie?”
  2. 2
    Listen actively and curiously. This can make all the difference in the world. When you listen, you show that you are engaged in what someone is saying, and that’s it’s important and interesting to you. Listen to what someone else says and then respond to her comments. Think about what she’s saying, and allow her to finish her statements without interrupting.[17]
    • Pay attention to your body language. This is a big factor in conversation, even though it is unspoken. Instead of looking over someone's head, try to make eye contact.
    • Listening intently also prepares you to ask good follow-up questions.
  3. 3
    Communicate assertively. This style of communication means you are able to express feelings, thoughts, beliefs, needs and opinions while still respecting the rights of others. When you are assertive, you respect yourself and others.[18]
    • Learn to be okay with saying "No." It can be very difficult for some people to say no, but saying yes or agreeing to something you can't or don't really want to do can cause stress and resentment. Take care of yourself and say "No" when you need to.
    • Be direct, keep a neutral tone of voice and body language. Make your needs clear, and understand that being assertive doesn't necessarily mean getting exactly what you want.[19]
    • If you’re within a group at a meeting or at a party, try talking in a moderately louder voice than you usually do. Make eye contact and speak decisively. This projects confidence and will command presence.

Part 6 of 6:
Putting Yourself Out There

  1. 1
    Prepare for social situations. Practice relaxation beforehand, and read a paper to have talking points to engage with people at social events. Prepare a comment to make at a meeting, or have a topic from the radio to discuss over lunch. If you have to stand up in front of a large group of people to give a presentation or speech, being prepared will give you extra confidence.
    • Try learning your speech by heart. This will help you to avoid forgetting any important points on the day itself.
  2. 2
    Ask your friends or family for support. Especially as you begin to tackle more and more daunting fears, reach out to your support network to help you.
    • If you have to attend a large event, such as a party or conference, bring a close friend or family member along with you for support. Just having a familiar person close can make a huge difference in your confidence levels. If you start to feel overwhelmed, turn to your friend and try to keep your mind off your nerves.
  3. 3
    Expand your social circle. People who suffer from social anxiety can find it very difficult to put themselves out there and meet new people. However, this is an essential part of overcoming anxiety and moving forward with your life.
    • Think of an activity that you enjoy, whether it's knitting, horse riding, or running, and find a group of people in your area who share this interest. You will find it much easier to strike up a conversation with people who have similar interests to your own.
    • If you get invited to a party or event, make sure you say yes. People with social anxiety tend to shy away from group gatherings, but this can cause you to feel even more isolated and unhappy. Make an effort to go to any social gathering (even if it’s only for half an hour). You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone if you want to get better.
  4. 4
    Take a social skills or assertiveness training class. Taking a class to gain skills is a great way to learn and practice your social skills and assertiveness. Get to know the people in your class and practice your skills with them.[20]
  5. 5
    Make an appointment with a therapist. If, after working on confronting your anxiety triggers for a while, you're still having trouble moving down the list and still suffering from severe anxiety, or if your anxiety is debilitating, talk to a professional.

Community Q&A

Add New Question
  • Question
    I have severe anxiety, but I can't talk about it to my therapist because I don't trust him. He always tells everything to my parents and he makes assumptions about everything. Help?
    Community Answer
    I think it is time for you to find a new therapist. Try to play a key part in finding yourself a new therapist that you feel comfortable with. If you're in the US or Canada, you can look for one in your area on Being able to trust your therapist and be open with them is key. You can't get the benefits of therapy if you can't open up to your therapist.
  • Question
    Can I have social anxiety even if I have never experienced a panic attack?
    Community Answer
    Yes! Panic attacks are a common result of social anxiety, but not everyone has the same reaction as a result of anxiety. There are many people who will have social anxiety but will never experience a panic attack. Just because your social anxiety isn't the same as everyone else's or doesn't look as severe, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist or isn't a real problem.
  • Question
    My mother judges me because I suffer social anxiety and she doesn't believe it actually exists. The worst part is that she is a psychologist, what can I do?
    Community Answer
    Talk to a GP or psychiatrist who you have never met before to get a second opinion. If they diagnose you as socially anxious, then you have the official papers to show your mother and prove it. Otherwise, if you are old enough to live by yourself (even if you aren't, though it may be difficult if you live together), simply avoid her judgement by not talking about it when you talk to her.
  • Question
    I feel uncomfortable talking to my psychologist about personal issues because I don't really even know her. Is it better if I just talk to my friends, even if they don't quite get it, or should I try to talk to my psychologist?
    Community Answer
    Psychologists can be helpful precisely because they're removed from the situation and don't have any preconceptions about you. They also won't expect you to "just get over it," which your friends might, even though they mean well. It can help to tell your psychologist that you feel uncomfortable — a good psychologist won't mind, and will try to help you relax.
  • Question
    Does this anxiety goes away by itself?
    Community Answer
    It often does get better with time as you become more accustomed to different kinds of social situations. However, you do have to confront the problem to solve it, which means actively taking part in social situations and going out of your way to try to talk to people.
  • Question
    Is anxiety a permanent or short-term problem?
    Community Answer
    Everybody feels a little anxiety sometimes. In most cases it is short-term. Anxiety disorders (confusingly just referred to as just "anxiety") are debilitating long-term conditions. People with anxiety disorders feel anxious more often, and to a greater degree, to the point where it interferes with their lives, but they do not feel anxiety literally all the time. They can also learn skills to help them cope with and reduce anxiety so that it doesn't interfere with their lives, even if they remain "predisposed" to average, everyday anxiety for a number of years.
  • Question
    I don't know If I have social anxiety, because from the list, I do, but I'm not scared. Do I have it?
    Community Answer
    You may have a mild case of social anxiety. Try to remember all anxieties are different; just because you do not feel scared, doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. If it does, try some of the strategies mentioned above.
  • Question
    I'm 15 and I'm embarrassed to ask for help because I think my mom will just put it off and not care. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Start by talking to your mom about it. Wait until she's not busy and tell her you need to talk about something serious. She'll be less likely to brush it off that way. If she still doesn't listen to you, talk to a school counselor. They're great for this sort of thing. If all else fails, see if there are any books on the subject in the school or public library.
  • Question
    I'm worried about what I can actually talk about to actually say anything at all.
    Community Answer
    Think about what you will say, stay away from stuff that is socially awkward or not generally talked about. Act like friends with even unknown people, talk about the same stuff they do, sports, video games, etc. When you act like people and talk about what other people do, then maybe you will find you both have something in common. Be yourself and have your own opinions and if they can't deal with your personal opinions, they shouldn't even be dealt with at all.
  • Question
    How do you deal with people judging you?
    Community Answer
    The first step is realising what judgement actually means. Everyone has opinions about pretty much everything. Both your opinions as the opinions of others are changing constantly. You could look at the same situation on a good and a bad day and have totally different opinion about it, in some cases. Another person's opinion is not the truth, necessarily, though there may be truth in it. Take what's true and learn from it; discard what doesn't apply.
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      • Realize that not everyone you think is confident really is confident. Many people pretend to be confident, when in fact they are afraid, too.
      • Be true to yourself. Remember that it's up to you what you decide to do socially. Be comfortable and set goals that you want to accomplish.
      • One of the best ways to prevent social anxiety is resonant breathing. Inhale deeply for 6 seconds, hold your breath for 6 seconds and exhale out for 6 seconds until you feel relaxed.
      • Always be positive. Don't let negative thoughts enter your mind.



      • Full-fledged physical panic attacks may need physical attention by trained physicians. Seek out the trained professions inside hospitals and doctors offices, once you notice any of the symptoms occur. Some of these symptoms include (but are not limited to): shortness of breath, shaking, light-headedness, and/or chest pain.

      About This Article

      Licensed Professional Counselor
      52 votes - 81%
      Co-authors: 21
      Updated: December 6, 2019
      Views: 416,766
      Article SummaryX

      Dealing with social anxiety can seem daunting, but by identifying your triggers and gradually exposing yourself to them, you can eventually overcome your fears. Start by writing a list of things that trigger your anxiety, such as talking to strangers, being in crowded places, or making eye contact with people. Once you’ve identified your triggers, gradually expose yourself to them one by one so you’ll get used to them. For example, if making eye contact causes you anxiety, commit to holding people’s gaze for 1 extra second before you look away. As you get used to your triggers, gradually increase the intensity of triggers. For instance, once it feels normal making eye contact for an extra second, try to hold their gaze for 3 seconds before looking away. For more tips from our co-author, including how to practice good social skills, read on.

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      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 416,766 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • GN

        Glenn Ngwa

        Oct 12, 2016

        "I really appreciate the information on the page, as it helped me realize a lot of my social problems, as well as the fact that social anxiety and shyness are not necessarily the same, although I have both. Now I at least have the knowledge that I have to be open and will strive to get better. Thanks a lot, you guys are wonderful, and now I hope to look forward in optimism."..." more
      • BZ

        Bukhobenkosi Zamo

        Feb 8, 2017

        "Really a great article. I am suffering from social anxiety disorder, and have been struggling to diagnose my situation. I turned to the Internet and found this article. I smiled as I was reading through it, as I had finally found a diagnosis and steps to change my situation. Thank you very much."..." more
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        Chriss Ella

        Apr 27, 2016

        "The trick with the list of fears, from the worst to the least important one, was what helped me the most. I realized it was a very good idea to identify the problematic situations in order to fix them."..." more
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        Alicia Arcola

        Jul 28, 2017

        "Thank you, this really helped me. The tips are great. I think is gonna take me a few weeks, maybe months to overcome this, but I'm glad I'm motivated by my friends and wikiHow."..." more
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        "I really enjoy using wikiHow, because it has never failed to answer my question or solve a problem that I've been having. I hope this site is around for many years to come."..." more
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        Ashley Lopez

        Aug 10, 2016

        "The article was a really good mixture of advice, compassion, and fantastic examples. It wasn't corny at all like many other social anxiety posts. Really helped, thank you!"..." more
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        Shilpa Singh

        Mar 7, 2017

        "When I read this, I got to know that social anxiety really exists, and people should cure this instead of ignoring it. After reading this, I will work on myself."..." more
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        Jul 24, 2016

        "This article was really helpful, and now I believe I will do better."
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        Aug 8, 2016

        "Helped me to understand my social understanding better."
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        "I hope it will help, I'm still working on it."
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