How to Know if You Like Someone or if You're Just Lonely

Co-authored by Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

Updated: November 5, 2019

Explore this Article Taking Time to Assess the Relationship Figuring Out if You’re Lonely Avoiding a Rebound Relationship Article Summary Questions & Answers Related Articles References

New relationships bring up a lot of questions: “Is this going anywhere?” “Do they really like me?” “Do I really like them?” Answering these questions sincerely can help you avoid heartache down the line, and prevent you from dragging someone else down with your emotional baggage. If you’re even the slightest bit unsure of whether you truly like someone or if you’re just seeing them to avoid loneliness, you need to back off for a bit. Find out for sure how you feel about this person by closely examining the relationship and filling your time with other activities besides the relationship. Finally, learn how to dodge a rebound relationship..

Taking Time to Assess the Relationship

  1. 1
    Know the typical signs of a serious attraction. If you’re not convinced you’re really into someone, it’s good to know the usual indicator of a strong attraction. In general, when you really like another person, you seem to think about them all the time, even when you’re not with them. You can’t wait to learn all about them.
    • You’re excited to introduce them to your friends. The hot girl/guy in the apartment across the hall no longer catches your interest. You feel like you’re invincible.[1]
    • If you don’t feel overly excited about the prospect of seeing this other person and getting to know more about them, chances are, you could be just using them to fill a void.
  2. 2
    Ask for some space. A great way to get to the bottom about your feelings is to take a break from the relationship. Getting some time apart can help you reflect on your attraction for the person and decide how you feel when they’re not around.
    • You don’t have to come out and tell the person why you need space. But, you can say, “We’re moving really fast and I want to slow it down. Can you give me the week/weekend to think?”
  3. 3
    Identify what you like about this person. Spend some time reflecting on what attracted you to your partner. Sit down and make a list. Review your list for any red flag that point to this person being a solution for your loneliness.[2]
    • For example, does your list describe their quirky personality, honesty, and ambition, which are healthy traits to desire in a partner? Or, do you simply like that they are always available when you call?
    • Other examples might be that this person is attractive and makes you look good in front of your friends. Maybe you don't care about them beyond the fact that they symbolize your ability to find an attractive mate.
  4. 4
    Question whether anyone could fill their void. Now for the moment of truth: ask yourself if there is something truly unique about the other person that attracts you. Reflect on this as you get space from the relationship. What are they providing that is special and different from what you get from others?[3]
    • Can someone else fulfill their purpose? For example, are you glad to have someone to go out with on weekends? Pretty much anyone can give you that. If that’s all you value about the other person, you could be unknowingly using them to avoid loneliness.
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Method 1 Quiz

It's a sign that you really like someone if you feel that they...

Not quite! It's great if being around someone makes you happy, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're really into them. It's possible that you're just happy to have anyone, and it's not about the person specifically. Click on another answer to find the right one...

Not exactly! Feeling safe around someone is usually a good sign, but if security is the only thing you feel in their presence, it's likely that you just want to be close to someone. If you just don't want to be alone, you're probably not into this specific person. Guess again!

Yes! If what you like about this person feels unique and specific to them, it's more likely that you like them for real. Ask yourself if you could get what they give you from another person; if the answer is no, you're on the right track. Read on for another quiz question.

Figuring Out if You’re Lonely

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    Make new friends. A great way to diagnose loneliness is to treat it. Spend time with other people besides your significant other. Fill your social calendar with fun activities and gatherings. Join a club or organization to meet people with common interests. Take a cooking or dance class. Ask a coworker or acquaintance out to lunch or coffee.[4]
    • Other ways to find friends might be reach out to old connections through social media. Strike up a conversation with someone in your favorite shop or boutique. Join a meetup to connect with people who have the same hobbies as you.
    • If, in the midst of your increased social activity, you don’t find yourself missing the other person or wishing they could join you, there’s a chance you were just lonely.
  2. 2
    Volunteer. Another terrific way to socialize is through volunteerism. It helps you connect with people and make a difference in your local community. Offer to visit a nursing or retirement home and help with craft time. Dedicate a few hours a week to the local homeless or animal shelter. Or, simply offer to babysit your neighbor’s kids each Thursday so that they can have a standing date night.
    • Giving back to others offers a load of benefits such as enhancing self-esteem and fighting loneliness. If you find that you no longer think about your partner due to your new obligations, odds are you just needed to get out more.[5]
  3. 3
    Develop hobbies outside of the relationship. Does your relationship consist of you doing all the activities that your partner enjoys? If so, you can help clarify your feelings by pursuing your own passions. These passions may help you feel more satisfied in life. As a result, you may find that you don’t like this person as much as you thought.[6]
    • Take up a new fitness class at a nearby gym. Learn a new language. Bake more often. Go fishing. Just do things that you like.
  4. 4
    Set personal goals. Feeling unfulfilled in other areas of life can lead you to jump into a relationship prematurely. Take some time to work on yourself. As you start focusing on your future by goal-setting, determine if the other person factors into the picture.[7]
    • Think about something that you have been wanting to do for you. Maybe that includes getting more training in your chosen career or planning to travel abroad. If you consider that person’s role in your future, then there’s a chance you see them as more than just a placeholder.
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Method 2 Quiz

How can pursuing your own interests help you clarify your feelings for your significant other?

Not exactly! Chances are, you already know that you have interests that differ from your significant other's. Pursuing those interests might help you develop new ones, but that's not its primary benefit. Pick another answer!

That's right! It's not healthy to get all your happiness from one person, even if you really do like them. If you have more fulfillment elsewhere in your life, it'll be easier to assess whether you're really into your significant other. Read on for another quiz question.

Almost! If you don't find yourself thinking about your significant other when you're doing things without them, that could be a sign that you were just lonely. But if you know they wouldn't enjoy the activity you're doing, it's natural to think about them less. Click on another answer to find the right one...

Avoiding a Rebound Relationship

  1. 1
    Wait until you have grieved past relationships before moving on. You may not be sure that you like this person because you entered the relationship shortly after ending another. This is a classic mistake, and can undermine your ability to form a healthy relationship with this person. Avoid jumping into a new relationship too quickly. Wait until you have completely resolved your feelings for your ex.
    • Maybe you got dumped and wanted to save face by quickly finding a new love. Or, maybe you’ve been divorced for some time and everyone keeps asking when you will start dating again—but you’re not quite over your ex. These aren’t good reasons to start a new relationship.[8]
  2. 2
    Take new relationships slowly. If you have gotten hot and heavy with this new person over a span of days or weeks, you could be using the new relationship to cover up unresolved problems. A healthy relationship progresses at a moderate pace in which both people steadily become more affectionate. If you swear you are in love after a week, you could be rebounding to prevent loneliness.[9]
  3. 3
    Learn how to be single. A major reason many people get into rebound relationships is because they fear being single. In truth, there are numerous upsides to being single like getting to know yourself, focusing on building a meaningful career, and spreading your love among family and friends. Don’t fall for the misconception that being alone equals being lonely.[10]
    • Being single can be enjoyable when you build your social network with supportive friends and family. Plus, you can learn to be single by directing your attention on improving yourself. Go back to school. Clean up your diet. Set objective goals. Don’t assign your value based on your relationship status.
  4. 4
    Work on your self-esteem. If your self-confidence is wrapped up in your identity of being half of a whole, you may need to work on that. Feeling less-than because you are single could contribute to you entering a toxic relationship just to feel the void. If you improve your self-esteem, you can overcome loneliness and make yourself a better candidate for the right mate when they come along.[11]
    • Recognize your positive qualities that have nothing to do with your relationship status. Write them down and hang them on your bathroom mirror as a reminder.
    • Improve your self-talk. Don’t call yourself a “loser” because you’re at home on a Saturday night. Either make plans with a friend or remind yourself that your value isn’t in your social calendar.
  5. 5
    See a therapist for codependency issues. Codependent people are basically obsessed with caring for others, even at the sake of their own health and well-being. If you have a type in relationships, always dating someone who always needs help or care-taking, you may need to work with a professional.[12]
    • Codependency can make you feel empty if you don’t have someone to care for. Therefore, you refuse to be alone and find a new relationship even if you aren’t actually in love with the person. If this sounds like you, ask your doctor about getting a referral to a mental health therapist who can help you get to the root of this problem.
    Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

    Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

    Relationship & Dating Expert
    Jessica Engle, MFT, MA
    Jessica Engle, MFT, MA
    Relationship & Dating Expert

    Self-assessment can take a lot of different forms. You might get a lot out of formal therapy and coaching with a professional. But you might also get just as much out of talking with a close friend, journaling, or practicing meditation.

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Method 3 Quiz

A sign that you may have codedependency issues is that...

Not necessarily! Honestly, a lot of people hate being single. After a certain age, being in a relationship is "normal," and there's a lot of societal pressure to conform to that expectation. Just because you don't want to be single doesn't mean you're codependent. Click on another answer to find the right one...

Try again! Codependency can be related to a lack of self-esteem, but it's not exactly the same thing. If you have trouble thinking about your good qualities outside of your relationships, it will be helpful for you to spend some time taking care of yourself. Try again...

Not quite! If your relationship was serious or long (or both), it's natural to take a while to grieve before you're ready to date again. Typically, it takes half as long to get over a relationship as a relationship lasted. That's not a sign of codependency. Guess again!

Correct! Codependency is a mental issue where a person is obsessed with caring for others. If you feel empty without someone to take care of and tend to date people who need a lot of caretaking, you may be codependent. Read on for another quiz question.

Community Q&A

Add New Question
  • Question
    I have a crush on one of my best guy friends, but every time I ask about the possibility of us having something more, he changes the topic or doesn't give me a straight answer. What does that mean?
    Community Answer
    It most likely means that he is not interested. He likely doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Most men will respond positively if someone they are attracted to is dropping hints.
  • Question
    I prefer the chase more than the relationship. How do I get over that?
    Community Answer
    Step back and analyze your feelings. Are you afraid of commitment? Do you feel uncomfortable when people get too close? Are you afraid you'll miss something if you're in a monogamous relationship? Or that your partner will become bored with you? Maintaining a successful relationship requires unselfish love and attention, and the rewards are endless.
  • Question
    Someone said that they liked me and now I like him too. How do I know if I only like him because he expressed an interest in me?
    Community Answer
    Start by trying to think of reasons why you like him and if you think he is a compliment to your life and interests. If he treats you with respect and affection and you have similar interests and goals, then give him a chance. If not, let him back into the pond. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince but it's easier when you put yourself first.
  • Question
    I like someone, but am not sure that I want to have a relationship with them. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Your feelings do not obligate you to begin a romantic relationship—the two are very separate matters. If you feel like letting this person know how you feel, you should feel free to do so.
  • Question
    I have feelings for a guy but my friends say he is not right for me. How do I know if my feelings for him are real?
    Community Answer
    Friends mean well and they deserve to be heard out. It's possible they've seen something or know something you aren't aware of. The fact that you are saying friends plural says a great deal about your need to take their advice seriously. However, there could be jealousy or groupthink going on too, so keep that in mind when listening to their concerns. Beyond that, is he a good person, does he treat you nicely and without sarcasm or flippancy? Does he seem to be serious? If it feels meaningful and your friends' concerns can be dealt with, then perhaps your feelings are real. But only you can know this after weighing up everything you've been told with what you're feeling.
  • Question
    What do I do if I'm dating someone I like who is only dating me out of loneliness?
    Tom De Backer
    Top Answerer
    Dating is a mechanism to see whether or not you like someone and if it's mutual. Dating is a good way to deal with loneliness, so there's nothing wrong with such a strategy. It all comes down to knowing what you want and hoping that the other person wants the same thing. So it's OK that the other person is dating you because of loneliness, and if you can live with that, you can keep on dating them. But if you want other things from your dating efforts, then it's best to keep looking for someone who wants the same things.
  • Question
    What should I do if someone tells me he loves me, but keeps flirting with other girls?
    Community Answer
    If you're not okay with this, try talking to the guy and telling him how this makes you feel. Some people are naturally flirtatious and don't realize how this affects other people. If you've already tried talking, you have to ask yourself whether you're willing to put up with this behavior or not. If it's really upsetting, you should leave him.
  • Question
    One of my friends liked me a lot and I said no to him. I wanted to focus on my career and didn't want him to wait for me. Now he has moved on but I am feeling jealous. Why?
    Community Answer
    You're feeling jealous because you still like him and you feel like you missed your chance. Try to keep in mind that you did tell him to move on, and that this doesn't necessarily mean that the two of you will never be together. If it was meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, focus on something else, your career, friends, another guy, etc. If it is too painful to be around him, give yourself a little space from this person.
  • Question
    I met my crush over social media, but they live 2 states away. They are funny and amazing. Is this truly a crush or just someone who I can relate to?
    Community Answer
    Probably just someone you can relate to, but you never know where it could lead. Keep talking to them and see how your feelings progress, but don't let things get to serious until it is possible for you to meet in person, because truly, they could be anyone.
  • Question
    If I met someone a few weeks ago and think about him a lot, but I also think about another one, is it all right to like both?
    Community Answer
    Liking two people at once is bound to happen at least once in every person's life. You need to take some time to think about who you generally have a future with and then let go of the other person. Try comparing the two by writing down the postitives and negatives and deciding which you could put up with.
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    Article SummaryX

    Sometimes it can be hard to figure out whether you actually like someone or if you’re just feeling a little lonely. To try to tell the difference, see if you’re attracted to them by observing whether you think about them all the time and whether you’re excited to get to know them more. If you don’t feel these things, then you might not actually like that person. Another way to determine your true feelings is to get some space from the person and spend your time doing other things like hanging out with friends, pursuing your hobbies, or volunteering. If you don’t find yourself missing the person when you’re busy with these other things, then you may have just been a bit lonely. For more advice from our Relationship co-author, including how to avoid a rebound relationship, read on!

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    Categories: Featured Articles | Maintaining Relationships | Loneliness

    In other languages:

    Italiano: Capire se ti Piace Qualcuno o se ti Senti semplicemente Solo, Español: saber si te gusta alguien o si sólo te sientes solo, Português: Saber se Você Gosta de Alguém ou Só Está se Sentindo Sozinho, Deutsch: Erkennen, ob du jemand wirklich magst oder nur einsam bist, Русский: узнать, нравится ли вам кто то или вам просто одиноко, Français: savoir si on aime quelqu'un ou si on se sent juste seul, Tiếng Việt: Nhận ra bạn đang thích ai đó hay bạn chỉ đang cô đơn, ไทย: ทดสอบว่าคุณชอบเขาหรือแค่เหงาเท่านั้น, Nederlands: Weten of je iemand leuk vindt of dat je alleen maar eenzaam bent, Bahasa Indonesia: Mengetahui Keseriusan Perasaan Anda, العربية: معرفة ما إذا كان إعجابك حقيقيا أم نابعا من الشعور بالوحدة, 中文: 判断自己是真的喜欢上了一个人还是寂寞了而已, 日本語: 相手のことを好きなのか寂しいだけなのか見分ける, 한국어: 누군가를 정말 좋아하는 것인지, 외로운 것인지 알아보는 방법

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