Why Asking The Right Questions Will Help You In Any Negotiation

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It's amazing how asking the right question can help you dissolve impossible situations of opposition. Encountering a hard "no" often represents a fear of the unknown or a set of incorrect assumptions, and though it might at first feel like rejection, it can also be an opportunity. Transparency can help resolve the fear, but you have to know to ask the right questions first to create that transparency. Recently, I helped a client through this process by helping her see that the resistance she was getting from her bosses might actually be fear of competition, a fear of competition that wasn't real.

My client Madison (not her real name) reached out to me initially just to vent. "I don't understand what's wrong with my bosses! I'm having a really big 'what did I just do' moment right now." she fumed to me over email. Madison is an amazing human being. She lived the life of a digital nomad, taking the leap to live abroad for the last few years. She quit a high paying finance job in Manhattan to pursue her dream of diving into the global fashion world, traveling to three continents over two years. She excels at understanding luxury clients, both in knowing what they need and how to dress them. She spent time in Milan and Paris, eventually going to India to learn a little about manufacturing, then moved on to the growing fashion scene in Bangkok, then Seoul and finally, Tokyo. Her Instagram feed is a thing of travel dreams and fashion envy. All along her travels, she kept meeting American expats and they became some of her first clients as she built a small business as a luxury digital stylist.

But two years in, she decided it was time to come back to the United States. A job came up in a big city to work at high-end department store as a stylist. It was near her family, which was important to her, so she came back to the U.S. and took the job. She hadn't had a boss in two years and she was feeling tension and restriction around being told what to do. "They told me I have to shut down my digital clients, even though there is no non-compete clause or provision for digital stylist consulting in my contract." Madison told me that her bosses were not big fans of her side-hustle and while it was not explicitly said, they communicated that they expected her to shut down her business completely so that she could devote herself to her company's brand.

After reading over her email, I emailed back: what about creating a more interesting counter-offer? I urged Madison to think through the situation again. What could be driving her bosses to have such a rigid policy about her using social media? Madison's clients were nowhere near any of their stores. She could dispel some of the fear of losing business by making sure to direct them to the company when it made sense. Did her bosses know that $1.3 trillion is generated from the use of social media, also an important method in attracting Millennial consumers? Madison appreciated these points, and put them in an email to her bosses.

Madison also put these facts into a tangible, positive outcome that served as proof that what she wrote was true. She was able to dissolve false ideas around competition by showing her bosses the money - literally. She noticed that some of her posts on Facebook and Instagram led to sales. Not discounted sales, but full retail price sales to her clients abroad. She was able to take this information to her new boss to prove that having freedom on social media could lead to full retail sales through the company to her private clients. Madison later told me, "I want to be able to have freedom to market my services, and this proved that when I did have that freedom, it ended up helping everyone."

Fear wasn't just being experienced by her bosses. Madison told me that she felt real fear when she brought her ideas of a counter-offer up with her supervisors, but it was rewarding to break through that fear. "I felt like I'd disconnected myself so much already from the outcome that at the time, I almost hoped they would tell me "no" again. But they came back and said they might be able to work something out. They didn't shoot me down right away and I was proud of myself for standing my ground!" And Madison had real cause to be proud of herself. Her sales (through new and existing clients) were so good, she quickly got a promotion. But being able to hit and exceed her sales quota was due to being able to use social media in an unrestrained and authentic way.

Key to the "win" in this scenario was spotting defensiveness in her bosses as a signal of being threatened by a false sense of competition, and taking action to make it clear that interests were actually aligned. Her bosses readily admit that they know nothing of Instagram, Snapchat or even Facebook. Madison was able to take that situation that initially looked like total rejection and control, and bend it by offering a better solution. She asked the right question of "what's holding you back?" enough times, in enough ways that she was able to direct transparent answers towards those concerns. She also built trust by explaining the technology and delivering on sales to the company, while also maintaining her private small business. She created a win-win-win outcome by asking the right questions and listening deeply which created a win for her, a win for her clients (existing and new), and a win for her boss.

And she also created an important bonus win: she won increased confidence by moving through her fear and offering a better counter-offer in the face of "no." She won an importantly fearlessness for herself.

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I help leaders negotiate authentically with emotional intelligence. I am passionate about stories of collaboration that connect people with their power to do good in t