Humor/if Noah Built The Ark Today

Jul 5, 2011

If Noah had lived in the United States last year, his story may have gone something like this: The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain; and the rain shall not stop until it submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and fill it in one year's time." Exactly a year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth; and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" he shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. "Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. "Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe that I got a notice from. "Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying the state. And that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft. "And, finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore, unconstitutional. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah remained silent. Moments later, the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up, shaking his head in dismay. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Jun 11, 2014
God sent out a general notice that due to rampant greed &hypocrisy He intended to flood the earth. However, He made it clear to Noah that this was really just a warning; if Noah could convince people to change their ways, the world would be spared. But all the preachers mocked Noah. "That's voodoo science," they said.

Instead of attending to the poor and needy among them, they decided to do what they did best and make some burnt offerings. So God told Noah he'd better build an Ark. "How will I finance it? No one wants to pay taxes anymore!" Noah wondered. In the end he had to downsize considerably. What with only crowd sourced funding all he could get on board were a pair of goldfish.

When the rains finally began in earnest, people were frightened. Under the guidance of their preachers they started a serious program of stoning those they considered to be blasphemers to death.

In the end Noah set sail with a nearly empty boat. After a few days though, he rejoiced to find he was not alone! There were stowaways! His joy was short-lived however. The stowaways were all homosexual, secular humanist, atheist scientists who had sneaked on board to escape being stoned.

"How will I repopulate the earth?" Noah cried out in despair. "All we have left for reproductive purposes are fishes!"

to be continued. . .or not. . .
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