Monday, September 24, 2012

6 1st 5 Pages September Workshop - Baccellia Rev 3

Name: Kim Baccellia
Genre: YA Multicultural Sci-Fi


Here goes nada.

My hands shook like leaves during a sudden wind storm. It hadn’t been foolish to
keep the encrypted image overnight, it was suicidal. But I had to see it one more time.

I sneaked a glance over my shoulder, checking for security. If I was caught watching the image of the world outside the compound, I’d be thrown into solitary confinement or worse. I’d end up like Papi, disappearing in the middle of the night.

No, I couldn’t do that to Mami but I couldn’t help myself. Deep down I knew it was wrong to question but any clue, lead about what happened to Papi consumed me. Nothing mattered—not my standing in the community or even El Padre. Only my own father’s fate.

The light tapping of combat boots on the smooth auditorium floor meant the supervisor was walking to the other end of the room, giving me some time. It was now or never.

Their vid-monitor devices swept over those closer to the front doors, always on the look-out for floros, those who shirked their responsibilities to el Compuesto. I made sure there was no reason to suspect me. I took pride in doing everything our community expected –from being on time with my assignments, going to bi-weekly youth rallies, and even accepting a choice of a mate. None of this would matter if my latest bout with defiance was found. The hologram had been the last thing Papi had been viewing before he was lead away. I had to watch it, if anything to find the clue to why the leaders had singled out my father.

Still, if they found out…

Guilt nudged the back of my mind, reminding me how stupid I was to push my own standing within our community. I reminded myself I just needed to be careful. Yes. I could do this and it looked like time might be on my side.

I glanced over to the side, looking for my friend Luz but only an empty space stared back at me. I wanted to share my latest ‘find’ with her but the window of time was slipping. For a brief moment my fingers wavered over my monitor, unable to move. Over in the corner my gemela Xochil frowned, shaking her head.

It’s not as if my sister took me seriously as she teased me that I didn’t have the cajones to do anything against the leaders. I was the ‘good’ girl. Her sneaking this vid into my monitor probably meant nothing or was a test.

Right now was all that mattered and that involved finding out the truth. I could almost sense my twin daring me to go through with my defiance, thinking I’d chicken out. If anything that only forced my hand. But still doubt plagued me.

I shuddered. After all these years, the stain of Papi’s disappearance after being vocal against el Padre’s command still followed me. Usually an overhead monitor or two blinked in my direction. But now they were pointed in the other way.

My leg couldn’t stop bouncing with pent-up nervous energy. I wet my lips, waiting for the perfect moment.


I swiped my hand over my monitor, settling back in my chair. The key to this was to act normal and not show how I really felt inside. I had a lot of practice with this every since Papi had ‘disappeared’. After awhile, tears dried up until a numbness carried me through the day.

The steel backing pressed into my lower back, but I pushed the uncomfortable feeling aside. A hologram circled around my space, seeming to box me in for my own custom performance. The virtual reality image erased the dullness of the classroom with a computerized paint brush, painting everything with bright colors. Magical stokes swept across my perpendicular vision seeming to paint me within the 3D images.

I closed my eyes for a brief second, savoring the flood of emotions that swirled within me. I felt as if a leaded weight had been severed from me, releasing my bruised soul into the heavens. No longer did I blend in with the uniformed oneness which consisted of everything down to the same pair of boots we wore. No, this my own silent way of defiance.

Opening my eyes, I waited.

Then it came.

Jewel-like plumage darted in and out of a group of hibiscus flowers. The vivid coral, pink, lavender, and red petals brightened not only the space in front of me but my whole being. I reached out, stroking the velvet softness of a flower petal. A whiff of sweetness tickled my nose. I wanted, no I craved more.

A chumparosa darted close by my ear. My gaze followed as the hummingbird dipped a long beak inside a flower, hovering for a brief moment before dashing off to another one.

Though I was inside the cold confinement of the school auditorium, it never ceased to amaze me how life-like and real the projected hologram images could be. I continued to watch the dance of the hummingbird once more. Her aerobics fascinated me. Now I know why my ancestors were so enthralled with these small birds.

At first glance, the lone hummingbird’s paper thin wings might seem fragile, unequipped for its mission. I knew better. An insect-like buzzing vibrated around me, teasing me to join her. The tiny bird bounced from one bright hibiscus flower to another before fluttering off into emptiness.

With her passing, the hologram image faded revealing my real world. I sighed. The harsh white plastered walls erased the beauty of the hummingbird into a distinct memory. Once again, I hadn’t found anything. No clue, nada. If anything I was more confused on why this had been so important. Still I felt he was trying to tell me something.

Then another thought came. Was I the hummingbird? Even I knew that the freedom of the tiny creature could never coexist with the iron fist of El Padre. He’d crush it like he did with anyone else who searched for freedom.

Like Papi. Or even me.

I glanced around, nervous. Any slip of composure, hint of rebellion was reported. I slumped down in my chair and tried to push the thoughts aside.

The uncomfortable sensation of someone staring at me caused me to glance over to catch a half smile on Xochil’s face. She mouthed:

“Good going.”

I turned back to my monitor, annoyed but also not surprised. My twin relished subtle attacks against our compound. Right now I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction that maybe I’d been actually listening to her conspiracy stories.

No one else seemed to notice our exchange. Good.

I blinked once, twice, reorienting myself to my class assignments. At least I’d been assigned to botany, which I loved. Still after being engulfed in the holograms, it always took a few seconds to re anchor myself into reality.

El Padre was our true padre

Nadie mas

I hummed part of the national chant in my head and let the words fill me once more with my true purpose and calling. The words came easy enough. I’d heard them since childhood. The leaders had used this message and others to remind us that we were different than those outside of our domed community. Living far away in the desert gave us courage, strength, and unity. The Earth outside our home with their fighting, wars, and hatred was the enemy. Order was our god. Without order, destruction came.

Then I glanced back to Luz’s empty seat. Where was she? A sick feeling gurgled in my stomach reminding me how close I played to the edge.

Luz, hadn’t been in class for two days now, which was unlike her. She’d been my best friend since childhood. We’d done everything together. She’d been the one who didn’t shun me after Papi’s betrayal or added to the vicious rumors that circulated around el Compuesto that he’d tried to kill our beloved leader. No, she’d been more of a hermana then my own twin sister. Though lately she’d also been questioning el Padre.

Just like Papi had done.

Xochil twirled a piece of her raven hair. Her vid was down. Every now and then she’d roll her eyes. Though my gemela at times rambled on with her crazy theories, right now I wished I had her strength to stand up to the leaders without fearing being singled out.


  1. Great job clarifying her motivation! It reads loud and clear she is looking for some clue to her father’s fate. I think you can do away with or combine the paragraph “Guilt nudged the back…” It slows the pacing and it is repetitive and contradictory at the same time. “I could do this and it looked like time might be on my side.” And the next paragraph reads, “but the window of time was slipping.” Just a nitpick, but it caught my attention.

    When you use the word “gamela,” I would immediately define it as “twin” in the next paragraph instead of using “sister”. Then you can use “sister” where you inserted the word “twin” in the paragraph after that.

    You also mentioned how her Papi’s disappearance affected her by their constant surveillance. Did it affect her sister too? How did her sister get a hold of that image and upload it on her monitor? An easy fix would be that the girl (Can we find out her name somehow?) stumbled on to it when she accidentally opened an old file or her father might have sent her an encrypted message before his disappearance that she finally figured out how to open it. Just a thought.
    I love the pacing and flow of the story. We still have a sense of her vulnerability and her courage. You have increased the tension with every revision and it is so much stronger than when we first began. I would like to keep reading more!

  2. Excellent job with revisions. Love the additions about searching and not finding the clue and the "paint me within" part and "maybe I am the hummingbird" addition.

    So, if I read this right, her father disappeared years ago ("after all these years") but her twin sister found (? or maybe she's had it all along hidden?) the video that her father had viewed right before being taken away and loaded the video on the MC's vid. The MC watched it once, kept it overnight and risked discovery for a chance to watch it again.

    I'm summarizing it like so you can see how I'm interpreting it and if I'm getting it right (I can be a dense reader! :-) The gap in years between her father's disappearance and her watching the video he watched is something you'll have to explain at some point but not needed right here in the beginning.

    This is a great story beginning with lots of tension, emotion, and beauty.

  3. I like this better each time I read it. The small details you've added make this more suspenseful, especially that she is looking for a clue to her father's disappearance, the fact that her twin managed to get the video and put it on MC's vid. I may be a little off, but I'm wondering if your MC's twin is really trying to help or trying to get her sister in trouble. Is there a reason why she chose this particular time to let her sister see it?

    For whatever reason, I, as the reader, am not too intimidated by El Padre. Maybe more details about what has happened to others who disobeyed. I'm not sure.

    I can't wait to find out what has happened to Luz.

    Nice job throughout. Good Luck.


  4. Thanks so much for this opportunity! I learned so much for all of you!

  5. Hi, me coming in late--house flood!

    I agree with what everyone else has been saying--GREAT tension. It's easy to account for span in years (and hence, the narrator's urgency to watch it again asap.)

    I'm back and forth suggesting you italicize the Spanish. In copyediting, you/one is supposed to italicize the names of foreign words but as you have it, it feels more organic this way. (And it's cOjones, lol.)

    Great work and I don't have much to add to what's been said. (Good on you for switching out "monitor" to "supervisor.")


  6. Thanks again Nancy and everyone for helping me with this! I learned lots!

