Friday, December 16, 2011

After much thought and consideration, we have decided that Wrigley's Labrador angel wings are only slightly ironic.

We fixin’ to up and pop a boo-shang on they narrow tuchuses, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Merriam-Webster has named Pragmatic as the word of the year; upon hearing this, Rick Perry said; “I hear that Honda Pragmatic is a nice car.”

A new study reveals unattractive men are more likely to mistakenly believe attractive women are interested in them than attractive men are. It’s called “Wingman-atosis.”

A family in Washington was burying their lifeless, dead dog, Scamp, after it was hit by a car, but then it sprung back to life and is doing great. They had no choice but to change the dog’s name to Tebow.

An Islamic cleric in Europe has banned Muslim women from buying phallic-shaped fruits and vegetables because it gives them sexual thoughts; and I'm gonna guess he isn't a huge fan of the cordless, high speed Total Ecstasy triple-tipped stimulator.

Britney Spears is engaged for the third time, this time to her former agent. There is not one reason this marriage should not work, but only if you don't count the endless reasons this marriage will never work.

(Attention headline writers: "Oops, she did it again" is neither clever nor original .

Since you asked:
Just had an interesting Facebook experience. A women, whom I vaguely knew in high school, but remembered as being cute and fun, was a good friend's mutual friend's facebook friend, so we agreed to be, you got it, Facebook friends. (Only on Facebook can you have a friend you haven't talked to -or desired to talk to - in 26 years)

A week ago, I posted a mildly amusing comment about Tim Tebow making me a tad uncomfortable thanking Jesus as much as he does, but I also mentioned that was my personal opinion and if Tebow wanted to do it, he was clearly within his rights to do so. When it comes to being a Christian, Tebow certainly loudly talks the talk, but he also walks the walk and I admire him for it.

My comment was, if Tebow wants to drop to his knees with his fist to his forehead, ala "The Thinker", he should. But I can also take a picture and photo-shop a roll of toilet paper in his other hand.

Not world class stuff, but kinda funny.

But it still makes me uncomfortable when jocks openly thank the lord. For one thing it is my fervent hope that Jesus and god have better things to do then aid individual professional athletes.

But that is free speech. It is their right to praise god on TV, it is my right to find it off-putting and or make jokes about it.

This woman sent me a message that pointed out in no uncertain terms she strongly disagreed and I had offended her sensibility as a Christian and she implied I was out of line. (Keep in mind this person is not very active on Facebook and hasn't posted a comment of her own in months)

Guess which friend I unfriended the f*ck out of? Passive aggressive? Sure, but it still feels good.

The surest sign of a harsh humor critic is a severe lack of sense of humor. Unless somebody is crude and trying to offend, why get upset over a joke that's only intention is to get people to smile and or laugh?

There are plenty of things I don't think are funny but others do think is funny, but it would never upset or anger me. Believe it or not, I have never been a huge "Three Stooges" fan. Get why people, mostly guys, love the hell out of the Stooges. Like potty humor, idiots going bang-bang and boom-boom will always be funny. The Stooges just don't strike me as all that funny. As offensive as rampant violence is to some people, that isn't why I don't think the Stooges are funny. They just don't make me laugh. Period.

But the Stooges are a good example of somebody taking offense at humor. Many, many parent guardian groups are horribly offended by The Three Stooges. What kind of message are we giving our children if we let them laugh at a person hurting another person?

Let me tell you. If you - or your child - are not smart enough to figure out that The Three Stooges are actually comedic actors who know what they're doing? No amount of Stooges censoring will be enough to protect you, or your dense child, from harm emotionally or physically.

No brand of comedy -except crude a-holes bent on actually hurting or offending people - would ever upset me to the extent I felt obligated to write a nasty letter.

Humorless people have one thing in common: they take themselves and their opinions way too seriously. (That and maybe their being a little, oh, let's say, on the dense side. Or too intense. But too intense goes hand-in-hand with taking themselves too seriously)

On the other hand, I understand people are sensitive about certain topics and it is too painful to joke about. God bless people who can make fun of themselves for being ugly or bald or fat.

But I promise you, if you make a joke at their expense about being ugly, bald or fat, it will hurt their feelings even if they try and laugh along. When somebody who has a good sense of humor about themselves, throws themselves under the bus, it is cheap, classless and mean to put that bus in reverse and run them over again.

Extremely attractive people - and I don't mean really pretty, like Tina Fey and good looking like Dane Cook, clearly are still funny and they are attractive. But they are not super-model types. World class gorgeous and handsome folks are famous for not being funny. Why? World class gorgeous people were born taking themselves too seriously.

Chances are really good looking people, like Tina Fey and Ryan Reynold, who are funny grew into their good looks but had an awkward stage. Hense a sense of humor. People gorgeous right out of the womb simply never develop any sense of humor. Period.

And often they are a little dense. Hey, what can I say? With the possible exceptions of George Clooney and Jennifer Aniston, the big guy upstairs usually only hands out so much good stuff.

Tina Fey is a great example. She is one of the most talented comedy writers and comedians in history and she closely resembles - but is prettier than - Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin, as we all know, has nearly no sense of humor at all. (Just because you laugh a lot at your own jokes in your speeches doesn't mean you have a sense of humor)


Tina is quick, brilliant, but she doesn't take herself too seriously. Sarah Palin is the textbook case of somebody taking themselves way, way, way too seriously. Donchyahknow.

And, lets' be honest, Sarah is a little dim.

You cannot take yourself too seriously and still be funny. Period. Donald Trump? No discernible sense of humor. Saddam Hussein? Not famous for his levity. Osama bin Laden? Wouldn't get a knock-knock joke if it was delivered by all of his 72 virgins. (Did he just compare Donald Trump to two murderous evil terrorists?) Yes I did.

You see where I am going with this?

Losing your sense of humor when you take yourself - or your beliefs - too seriously even afflicts people who used to be really and famously funny (See: Chevy Chase until "Community" and Woody Allen and Eddie Murphy and Roseanne Barr and Rosie O'Donnell and Jeanine Garafolo)

With my own two eyes, I saw a friend - who I admit was not the sharpest tool in the toolbox - slowly and surely lose every single trace of what used to be a damn good - if somewhat bawdy - sense of humor. How? He slowly became more and more devout in his faith to the point of heavy-handed preaching and pontificating.

Devout religious faith and a sense of humor are not at all mutually exclusive. Gandhi was well-known for his wit, and religion doesn't get more devout than that. As devout as he was, Gandhi was still humble.

The biggest comedians in history did not take themselves too seriously, Mark Twain, Will Rogers, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien. They all use or used themselves constantly as the brunt of their jokes.

As iconic and great self-actualized as a human being can ever get is Abraham Lincoln and, as amazingly brilliant, brave, smart and wonderful as he was, Abe never took himself too seriously. And Abe was hilarious.

My comedy idol growing up was and is Bill Cosby, but, I feel he has lost his edge partly due to cranky old age, but also due to his constant stern preaching of how people should behave based solely on the way he thinks is right.

So go ahead, folks. Write me a nasty comment explaining how unfunny you think I am. Yes, I admit, I am very sensitive and it will probably hurt and upset me - as I am sure that is the primary intent.

Just remember to ask yourself one question: is it possible I am more than a little bit of a self-righteous, smug, and most importantly, humorless douche-bag?

Do you really want me to answer that question?

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

This just in: Alabama politician, Bill Johnson, has a secret job donating sperm to Australian lesbian couples. Not bad work for a politician. At least he wasn't jerking his constituents around.

Where was this job when I was in high school? I'd have been so rich, charities would be asking: Bill Gates who?

Don't mock, the guy made a lot of money until he had to retire due to a work-related injury: tennis elbow. Before that he was a regular Warren Buff It. And his company was Berkshire Whack-away. We could do these all day.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

"Check it out. I asked her if I should call her in the morning or just nudge her. She still went home with me."

"Dude, you totally Tebow'd."

Tebow. Verb. To get lucky despite a bad pass.

Kinda sad. First time we've hung Christmas stockings minus Kasey's.

Da Kine Wahini gettin' her done

Really? That's a thing? Too soon, too soon, but, at the end of the day, it is what it is for this one, who is in a mood, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

According to the Pantone Color Institute, Tangerine Tango – an electric orange-red – is the color of 2012; as a result, 2012 has announced it is gay.

After defeating the Chicago Bears, 13-10 in overtime, Denver Bronco QB Tim Tebow orchestrated his sixth come-from-behind victory. In fact, Tebow has come from behind more than Tiger Woods at the Orlando Hooter’s Christmas party.

During New England’s 34-27 win over the Washington Redskins, Patriot QB, pretty-boy Tom Brady got in an ugly screaming fight with offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien. At one point, Brady got so mad he threw his hand mirror at O’Brien.

25 years after “Top Gun”, Tom Cruise wants to make a sequel; Cruise is almost 50, this “Top Gun” will be different; now Cruise will shake his fist at flight crew and scream; ‘You punks get off my carrier deck.”

Tom Cruise wants to make a “Top Gun” sequel; it might be a good time, it has been 25 years, people may be willing to forgive “Top Gun” for inventing Karaoke.

“Sports Illustrated” featured an article on the 1986 Cincinnati Bengals. That was a far different era, in that time hardly any of the Bengals had gone to jail.

“Sports Illustrated” featured an article on the 1986 Cincinnati Bengals. Things were far different back in 1986, Tom Cruise was starring in action movies, Dan Quayle endorsed a candidate and Madonna was on tour.

After defeating the Chicago Bears, 13-10 in overtime, Denver Bronco QB Tim Tebow orchestrated his sixth come-from-behind victory. Other teams are starting to take the outwardly religious Tebow seriously. In fact the Raiders plan to worship their lord, Satan, more often.

Since you asked:
So Friday nicht, I hop in the car at 8:30 drive 20 minutes to Oceanside parked in front of this cool local/surfer bar, The Beachside Grill, and played harmonica with the band, Strange Affliction. It was a gas. Nice crowd. Well received. Had a blast.

Next morning up bright and early and I surfed at La Jolla Shores. Caught my biggest wave yet, about a five to six footer. At one point it was just me and leopard sharks and dolphins in front of the Marine Room. Heaven on earth.

Power nap and then grilled a red wine and soy sauce marinated top sirloin with my rosemary Yukon gold 'taters and green beans with sesame seeds. Reduced the marinade into a gorgeous red wine reduction sauce.

Next day lots of football and I grilled peanut oil and Mount Gay rum-marinated chicken for killer chicken sandguidos on a French roll with roasted red peppers and melted havarti.

So Monday I drive to the store to get fixins for my oak-smoke grilled pizza. Mild chicken sausage, onions, lots of cheese, pepperoni and diced black olives. On the way to the store, this little douche-bag in a Smart Car takes a turn way too fast in the rain and skids out almost slamming into me.

What a snotty little tool.