Help, I am Drowning in Boys

Have you ever googled you name?  It gets a little scary.  Oh yes….a lot of those Facebook images and some of the ones you forgot about are sitting right there with those lovely starlets whose name you are lucky enough to have a piece of.  There they are in their galligaskins (fancy word for leather leggings) and there you are in your flower one piece you wore to the hot tub in Colorado.  Oh, those were the days.293092_178196015672367_261588333_n

…It is a typical Saturday around here. My husband is actually at work which does not happen often on a Saturday.  Our roof has been blown half off by a wind storm. But, we have had many kind drivers  stop to tell us our unfortunate news. One of my children has a huge knot on his leg and has not been able to move it.  I been the fill-in and have played xbox,cleaned the dog (you know what) and now we are watching a movie but, soon the pile of dishes in the sink will have to be done because I can’t find my sponge unfortunately, I know exactly where it is.

  My eldest child is at least outside with all the other 10 boys in the neighborhood being a navy seal.  All of the freshly ploughed dirt and new houses make for a great playground.  The only problem is there is a gun jam about every five minutes so I guess you could add  gunsmith to my line of duties.

I thought today I would write about a typical day but unfortunately I am not content with typical days.  I am angry at my circumstances but I must remember that every circumstance that touches our lives must first come through God’s hands.  His fingers of love are part of a great plan that he has established for our lives.

What is the Name of your Pillow Pet?

freedom_isnt_free_pillow-r335e46980d24447bb5b0106e569996a2_i52ni_8byvr_324Well I want to talk today about a pillow epilogue.  We all privately talk about it in our quiet haven but it usually does not become a source of  theatrical agony.  We had a friend staying with us for a few nights.  He took one of the boys rooms and so a jolt of anguish immediately overtook my emotional emphatic child who was forced to share a room with his brother.  You see we also took one of his pillows.  The one he puts in between his legs.  We have couch pillows and pillow pets but they were not his traditional pillow.  We needed to use his for our guests.  We went through a complete meltdown before I finally left the room completely exhausted and sick at heart.  About 30 minutes later I went in to check on him and he was sitting in the same position with the same somber look.  I sat with him and found out the main reason for the meltdown was he gets bruises on his knees if he doesn’t have a pillow.  How do I explain to a child who sees life through his own needs and desires that there are other simple ways to fix a pickle? At !0:00 at night there isn’t.  We laid his head down and he finally closed his eyes.boy-resting-his-head-pillow-12073399

But, where do those emotions go?  He did not get to let them out.  How can he continue to live inside of his own head and not feel overwhelmed.  I want to know what to do about it when we do talk. How can we describe our feelings and have a release of despondency?  How does he feel about my Lupus and watching me change day after day?  I am not okay with just explaining my symptoms and living this life.  He is described as having a mental illness.  No matter how you try to get around it, you can’t.  Even your family cannot be truly honest with you having  astigmatism like that.  When he is mad it is not always because he is erratic. It is a real emotion focused on his judgement.  How can we help?  We could possibly slant our point of view  and become nonpartisan to the simple pillow problems.  He got through the night now I just need him to get through the emotions.

Mr. Clean-I Need Help With Some Tough Love




Despite the Hardened Exterior My Soul is Still Pliable





Humble Yourself Because Your Demands are not Unreasonable





Haunted Houses


I look at this house and see the western sun filling the windows with a warm amber glow.  I see the loving family embracing the children running in and out.  I also see the family very rich in love while only providing the bare necessities of life.  My 10 yr old sees sadness.  He cannot see passed the dilapidated house with no windows whose previous owners cold not have enjoyed the supplementals of life.

How could I as a mother have failed so much?  I thought I had taught my children about selfishness, and having a proper attitude.  Not to see things from the outside in but to look at a person’s heart to find their true identity.  I write this as I hear my boys fighting in the next room as they are playing on their newest hankering, their “precious”.  My husband calls the xbox the “precious” because if left up to them, my boys would play on it day and night.  They began to plan their days around it.  If I call them for dinner they eat as if they are mesmerized by the hum of the power button in the next room.

I begin to think though why not love this game?  My son does not have to change who he is to play it.  He does not have to please a loving member of the family so that he can hear them say I love you.  He does not have to face the pain and rejections that occur when we are around family that may not have the patience to see him for who he really is. He sees this old house as a self-portrait.  A strong sturdy shell but hollow inside.

My job seems to be a little harder at times.  Every day is a challenge to keep him from slipping into a depression that others see as controlling and demanding. It hurts to be alone. It also hurts to walk into the lion’s den.  Imagine the fear he feels not being able to spend time with family because he is afraid of what might be said to him.  My younger son just knows that something is not right.  But each of them know about sharing and love.  We have a unofficial cookie ministry for their friends.  If someone is sick or in need, we bake.  I have one that cooks and one that gives them out.  I truly have the best of both houses.

Simple Silent Night

c. 1920

There was an old man with a vast art collection.  It grew year after year with van Gogh, Picasso, Matisse, and Monet.  He loved collecting art and loved the beauty it brought into his home.   After his son became old enough to delight in his father’s work he began collecting also.  For years the two employed a vast assembly of art pieces and objects,  The pieces hung magnificently displayed in the house.  The son soon went off to college leaving the man to tend to the art himself.  As he walked by the paintings he was reminded of his son.

On the Bank of the Seine, Bennecourt (1868), a...

Shortly after he was informed that his son had died in action.  He was visited by a solider who knew his son.  The soldier presented the man with a painting he made while the two were stationed together.  The painting was far from professional but it became the man’s favorite.  He displayed it proudly and bolder that all the priceless art.  Soon after the man died. He left his collection to be auctioned off.  The auction started with the painting of his son.  All  brokers from near and far came to get a glimpse of the priceless paintings so they were shocked when the auctioneer  started with such a simple painting.  The bidding started with no gavel raised.  Finally a man in the front row raised his hand and bought the painting for $10.  When asked why, he said he knew the boy growing up.  The auctioneer closed the gavel to the astonishment of all the collectors.  In their amazement they asked what about all the other paintings?  The auctioneer said the man made it clear in his will whoever got the son’s painting got the whole collection.    No one comes to the Father except through me…….. compliments of Heritage Baptist Church..