Thursday, May 27, 2010

My life as a living prayer

Today at the noon meeting the topic of Prayer and meditation. Mediation have no problems with but just the word "prayer" brings up all sorts of negative religious notions. A guy in the meeting said he tries to live his life as a prayer by being of service and compassionate to the people he comes in contact with.

I really grooved on that. I can call me living compassionately a prayer without getting freaked out about the word. I remember when I was small we had a little open wooden book on the tv that had the lords prayer on it. I couldn't understand how one prayer written by someone that long ago would work for me , here and now. Why would I want to communicate with a higher power with someone elses words?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

We all want to be heard

We all want to have our humanity acknowledged – to have others see us for who we truly are. We all want to know that we are valued, we are heard, we are understood. The best thing you can ever do is sit across from someone and utter two little words: "Tell me."..Nate Burkus

That certainly speaks to me on all levels. I do want to be acknowledged and to know that someone values my role in humanity. I've had a lot of people respond to their perceptions of the image they see of me but not what's behind it.

So, not only do I want to feel like a human, I want someone to see me being one. lol

Saturday, May 22, 2010

trying to get back in the swing of things

It is harder than I would think to get active in life again. Make appointments with friends, stopping by the mall to see where a new friend works. One thing is my car is a rolling piece of possible disaster, the other is the fact I live in a different town than everyone one else. My friend Hill lives in the same town as me though and I can't seem to make it over there either. Coming back to live is a slower process than I thought it would be. I keep trying and eventually I will make some progress. I love the old saying "slow and steady wins the race". It gives me permission to take my time.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm tired

Participating in life and in recovery is really tiring when your used to being inactive and sloth-y. I'll try to get here tomorrow with more words.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Promise of Next.

I shared briefly the other day about my compulsion to periodically rid myself of things. My clothes have been pared down to the minimum and my actual "things" could fit in a trunk. I have always felt sort of embarrassed that things didn't mean to much to me but now I think I am glad. I am not a slave to things and I don't love anything that doesn't have the capability of loving me back.

Heterosexual men, that I have know are caught up in things. Having things, getting the next thing completely describes my dad. He loves the wrong things. That is sad and it makes me sad that he isn't able to make a real connection with my sister or me. It seems like such a waste. I hope I don't make the same choices he made, I hope I don't suddenly find "things" so important.

More than anything I want to have a heart that is reached and reaches people as honestly and real as possible and not bedazzled by the promise of next, bigger, newer.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The flow.

I am going to name my Higher Power , FLOW. The flow of the earth, nature and the universe is my HP. The way the rivers travel to the sea, the way a seed burst out of the soil to become a fruit and even the spinning of the earth. There is a flow, when I remove myself from it, I feel pain and I try everything to ease the pain. Luckily I have made it back into the flow.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Freedom's just another word for nothing else to lose

Several people in my family have a hard time with their "Things" they don't want to get rid of anything in case they might need it. The collection of things give them an identity of sorts. I have very few things and at least 4 times a year I go through all of my stuff and rid myself of it.

I'm not saying I am right and they are wrong nor am I saying that "thing" collecting could ever work for me. I am aware that in the world of the spirit, you must constantly make room by shedding things to make room for the new to come in. "In with the old, out with the new", it's like my favorite analogy from an eastern religion that compares life to a bowl. When the bowl is empty, then and only then is it useful. One the bowl is full, it isn't any good to anyone. Life is about filling, emptying and refilling and emptying our "Bowls".

By holding on to useless old ideas, we don't make room for any new one. New ideas and new experiences are our lifeblood. Since there is no graduation of life we have to constantly keep trying to grow and experience or we get full, stagnant and infectious.

The spirituality I understand at the moment is about the flow of the universe. When I am going against the "flow" it hurts and I get know where. If I try to remove myself from the "flow" all together I am so desperately lonely I want to die.

But, when I am on my game, letting go of old ideas, old pain/hurts and a mind set on personal destruction, I can inter "The flow".

When you are flowing you know it. Things happen without struggle and a tree is a tree, a flower is a flower. I'm being what I was put here to be.

The only true peace I have ever known is in "The Flow".

I give myself permission to......

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Don't I know that feeling.

Getting to Know you, getting to know all about you

Partly because of the times I grew up in and partly because I am an addict, I prefer things to happen instantly. Getting to know my sponsor and other people in the program takes a lot longer than I wish it did and sometimes if feels so terribly awkward. I've known the young man who is sponsoring me for a while but not well. I was sober when when he was coming in to the AA program and have ran into him on the street a couple times. He is very kind and knows the literature frontwards and backwards, which impresses me. But he has the program running through every fiber of his being which is what I want. He is just a really nice man.

BUT getting to know him and sharing with him on the phone is still uncomfortable. Like I said, really getting to know someone is very very awkward. It feels a little like Helen Keller looked int he movie of her life when she was grasping at thin air and moaning because she couldn't speak, trying desperately to accomplish what she was going for.

I have been trying to learn names. Names are hard for me because I get so socially freaked out I can't remember them. My sponsor wants me to start getting phone numbers at meetings too even if I never call them.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

final note for Sunday


Exciting. Goodnight.

Thank heavens for experience.

watching other people and what they do or don't do really helps me stay focused on my recovery. Simply removing the alcohol or drugs won't do for me what I need done. Removal of those two things will definitely keep you from getting into more trouble, it won't address the problem of living with a modicum of peace about myself.

I really want a life for myself that i haven't ever even dreamed of. That life and that peace all begin with getting to a meeting, becoming teachable and willing. The meeting is like the freeway entrance, I have to go through there to get anywhere.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. What am I actually willing to do differently, what thinking am I willing to relearn, how much fear can i walk through in order to let people know me. Today I want this more than I want to settle for what I had.

I went to a noon meeting and me and another guy were the only two who showed up. I sat on the stoop with him and talked with him and was willing to call it a meeting when another member showed up who called someone with a key.

It ended up being 5 of us and it was an intimate , honest meeting. Even when silence fell it was a soft silence that filled my recovery tank. It was a great meeting and I left feeling connected to recovery and people in my core.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


A few years ago when I sort of melted down and ended up hospitalized in Shreveport. I decided while I was there, all I really wanted in the whole world was to feel peace. Full body peace. When I left there I read and read and talked with people who knew more than I did and I really did achieve my desire. I was peaceful through and through. I wasn't using any chemicals, and I felt at ease.
When I started having neck problems I was prescribe a muscle relaxer. The first couple times I took more than I was supposed to I noticed I couldn't feel any spiritual connection for a while after I used them. Now the insane part is, I traded what I knew I had that I liked for what's behind curtain number three of prescription meds and ended up with the donkey prize like on "Let's Make A Deal"

I knew clearly that it was impossible to use or misuse medication and be able to hold on to my "connectedness" with spirit and humanity and I chose to chase meds.

I like the downers. I like the feeling of being so sleepy that I could fall asleep in mid sentence. Go figure.

When I read that Michael Jackson had himself surgerically put to sleep, my first thought was, "that is fucking genius", my second thought was I feel empathy for him because I know what he must feel like inside. I wasn't a fan of his but I certainly made a connection in his death.

Friday, May 7, 2010

This is FUnny

These made me laugh this morning, Some are more true than funny. I love a little twist to reality.

Life’s Real (Non-PC) Lessons.

Fri, Dec 4, 2009

Pickle Jar

373 Realistic Lessons for Life… The way life really is. So grab a refill, and settle in to avoid doing your actual job for a while.

9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

43. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
47. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
49. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
74. When in doubt, mumble.
80. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
84. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
86. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
97. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
100. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
106. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
130. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
138. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
139. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
145. Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
150. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
155. Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
174. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
181. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
186. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
196. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
206. No one is listening until you fart.
207. Only dead fish go with the flow.
221. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
229. There are no winners in life…only survivors.
247. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
251. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it
261. My drinking team has a bowling problem.
269. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
273. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
275. Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
284. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
289. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
290. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
292. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
297. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
311. Strangers have the best candy.
314. Trust but verify.
322. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
329. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
330. I think, therefore I’m single.
332. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
334. I bet you I could stop gambling.
336. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
341. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
342. 668 – The neighbour of the beast.
348. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
350. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
354. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
369. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Doing the uncomfortable

It is uncomfortable. Starting over, actually starting anew. New groups filled with new people and replacing familiar comfortable old ideas with ones that will save my life. My instinct to do it perfectly will only set me further back. It really is easy does it. It will take take to learn peoples names. I can't let the fear of the unknown set up road blocks to the new associations that have the experience and power to save my life. No intolerance. Don't block the flow.

NO PILLS 2010!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Real Change cannot be sustained with support

What I learned over the last couple of years is that all the desire, all the inspiration and all new knowledge in the whole world cannot be sustained without support from other like minded people.

Life is in the sharing.

It's a choice, always a choice

I was in Walmart yesterday and I had an employee go off on me. Not just angry, she said several things as if she was trying to demean me. She was hell bent on saying thing to imply that I was a moron.

Partly because it shocked me so and caught me off guard, I didn't get ugly back. Perhaps I was too focused on finding the bathroom. I thought later about something a man had mentioned a week or two ago about how a soft tongue is more effective that explosive outburst with an angry person.

She obviously had stuff going on with her and it wasn't about me at all.

It was just a strange occurrence.

My desire for the week is the will and energy to really throw myself into my recovery program, get to know some new people and look for things to be happy about. Focus my attention on the things I want to get bigger in my life.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

It helps to know a little about how the brain and the body responds

On the most rudimentary of levels I understand how my brain works when it comes to stress. Those chemicals that get produced and released in response to my surroundings, thoughts and moves.

It was a big deal when I learned that a fearful thought causes the brain to make the chemical that actually feeds another fearful thought. It's like being trapped on a treadmill when that starts happening and I have to do something, anything to break that loop.

I saw a girl have her first panic attack ever when I was in the hospital and it made me think. If I had known what was happening to me when my panic attacks began it would have made my life easier. I thought I was dying every time. Clean the dishes, hide the porn in case this really is a stroke or heart attack.

I think I almost said a prayer last night. A friend in La is having an uncomfortable time coming back to life and I asked the universe to give her strength.

This shit is hard. Anyone who expects less is in for a drubbing. It's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to present yourself in honesty because you have no defenses if someone goes on attack.
My old tape says, when you let you guard down you will be leveled of at the knees.

But, I understand that live is lived in moments where you shields are off, free to recieve and exchange feelings, thoughts and ideas with another. Making a bond, a human connection is what life is about. Other people bring you pieces of yourself you didn't know existed, didn't know you lost, or didn't know that they were there.