Tom Tancredo

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tom Tancredo.

“This is honest, White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant name!”

~ Tom Tancredo on frequent questions is Tancredo a latino name

“Look, my friends, if I hate brown people, this doesn't mean that I'm a racist”

~ Tom Tancredo on racism

“Look, my friends, if I'm a racist, this doesn't mean that I hate brown people”

~ Tom Tancredo on Hating brown people
Tom Tancredo on the campaign trial. He always appealed to the heart of America

Tom Tancredo is the former Bush Administration "Torture Czar" and supposedly a candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States.

Relationship with Republican Jesus[edit]

Tom Tancredo paid his dues to be born in America by giving Republican Jesus a hummer. Mexicants were too lazy to do this, and this is why they shouldn't ever come to America.

Fall From Grace[edit]

Tom Tancredo was once a prominent member of the George W. Bush administration, having great influence over American policies toward enemy detainees. His tenure as torture czar was a controversial one. He approved of such "unofficial" CIA interrogation techniques as waterboarding, bamboo under the fingernails, the Chinese water torture, suffocation, hanging, firing squads, kicking people in the balls, and making them listen to Britney Spears. A fierce debate erupted from within the highest levels of the Bush administration as to what would be Tancredo's ultimate fate. Tancredo got ahold of most officials who were against his torture tactics, including National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice, Secretary of State Colin Powell, and Health and Humam Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, and tortured them. He was eventually forced out of the administration by Dick Cheney, who commented, "The guy just scares the crap out of me. He's even more of a Nazi prick than I am!" To this day, Tom Tancredo is not welcome in the White House, as is evidenced by the sign on the door to the White House which reads: "Tom Tancredo is not welcome in the White House."

Tom Tancredo will torture you and all of his fellow presidential contenders.

Relationship with Jack Bauer[edit]

Tancredo is currently involved in a publicly sexual relationship with Jack Bauer. When questioned on his current status with the fictional action star at a recent debate, Tancredo did not yield an audible answer. However, something to the tune of it "feeling kinda like torture" was reportedly picked up, along with a silly grin.

Presidential Run[edit]

In 2006, Tancredo decided to run for president, seemingly to fill the role of the short, crazy, insignificant member of the House of Representatives who runs for president in every election cycle. The short, crazy, insignificant Democratic member of the House of Representatives, Dennis Kucinich, called Tancredo to offer his congratulations. "I look forward to beating you in the general election," he fantasized.

Tancredo didn't preform well in the early stages of the campaign. He chose illegal immigration as his main issue and ran under the slogan: "Tom Tancredo for Presidents: Torture the Illegals."

When asked in one of the Republican debates whether he would torture al-Qaeda detainees to get information, he replied, "Of course, I would torture al-Qaeda--Just like I would torture Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong-Il. I would torture Mickey Mouse if he got too close to me. I would also torture fat people because they disgust me. I would also like to torture Jennifer Lopez because I think that would be fun, and her name sounds too Mexican. If I was alive 2000 years ago, I would have tortured Jesus my Savior. Most black people should be tortured as well. And I would especially torture the illegals."

Fellow presidential candidate John McCain took issue with that statement, claiming that Jenifer Lopez was his secret lover and that illegals were "God's children" too. Tancredo then attempted to torture him, but McCain, who is immune to torture, got the upper hand and broke Tancredo's back with a swift karate chop.

Rudy Giuliani, not wanting to be outdone, then added, "I would torture people asth well! When I wasth mayor of New York, I tortured people!"


"I hate brown people."

"I’d nuke Mecca."

"My best friends are Larry Craig, you know the public bathroom lover, and Jesus Christ, but not necessarily in that order."

Rivals for the Presidency[edit]

Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates


Democratic Candidates


Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader