Males, Females Tend To Grieve Differently

Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D


In the first few months of the loss (of a spouse), when the state of numbness and shock is over and the death is acknowledged, women, compared to men, more often rehearse those events that led to their partner's death. They go over and over again visualizing and thinking about the vents in their minds and often talk about them to their relatives and friends.

On the other hand, male survivors, instead of rehearsing the events in their minds, tend to blame themselves for those events, at least in the initial period. The self-reproach is about failing to do something to prevent the loss or doing something that may have somehow cause it.

A mourner is basically asking oneself, "Why couldn't I stop it from happening?" Difference is observed regarding the time of self-blaming. While more men blame themselves for the events in the initial stages, more women blame themselves in the later stages.

This observation leads to several speculations: Do men get over the self-reproach faster? Do men refocus on other tasks sooner? Does the rumination over the events of the initial stage later induce more self-blame in women? Do women grieve longer?

We don't know the answers. EXPRESSION and control of feelings:

Men, compared to women, are more reluctant to report their actual feelings related to loss. They may feel tears are "unmanly." More men try to exert control over their emotions. They seem to dislike the idea of someone, even though sympathetically, encouraging them to express their feelings more freely.

Men tend to be private grieves. They also seem to structure the time and occasion when they allow themselves to griever. For instance, they choose the time when they sit down and look at the old letters and photographs. They reminisce and grieve, mostly, privately. At other times, they would avoid the reminders of the lost person and not allow themselves to get overly emotional.

Women tend to be less structured and deliberate about the time and occasion for grieving. When exposed to the reminders of the loved one, while men tend to avoid instant reaction, women tend to respond on the spot, spontaneously and emotionally.


Men tend to refocus on their work after the loss. They get disappointed with themselves if they find that their level of energy and competence is reduced.

Unfortunately, whether one likes it or not, the level of competence and energy is reduced in the active stage of grieving, at least temporarily. Men, rather than being asked to express their feelings, welcome any assistance with their friends and relatives can provide in housekeeping and caring for the children so they can focus on their work as before.

We don't know how it impacts on women in the present times. More women have a career today. They have considerable interest and involvement in work. While women often pursue two careers, the work and the family, the offers of help for child care and housekeeping from friends and relatives may not be as forthcoming for female survivors as it would for male survivors.


Men are more vocal about sexual deprivation after the loss. More women show a reluctance to consider remarriage in the first year of loss.

For instance, in one study, one in three female survivors showed a marked reluctance even to consider remarriage, while the majority of male survivors were thinking about it.

By the end of the year, five out often male survivors had remarried or were likely to be in the near future, but only two out often female survivors had married or were considering to remarry.

It appears that when male survivors remarry they tend to receive greater emotional support from their wives. For instance, a newly wed wife shows more tolerance when her grieving husband is preoccupied with the thoughts of his deceased wife and she also engage with him in talking about the lost partner.

On the other hand, when a female survivor remarries, a newly-wed husband is not likely to tolerate his wife's preoccupation with her late husband, much less willing to listen to the memories and associations about the lost person.

Many female survivors hesitate to remarry, fearing that they may not be able to love anyone again or, may not measure up to the requirements of a new commitment or, the guilt of "betrayal" burdening their soul may be discouraging.

The good news is that more people are likely to remarry today than they ever had in the past, and among them, a lot of them will have a successful family and work life.

Return to Self Help 

Copyright 2000, Mind Publications 



Click for Dr. Sharma's credentials
Dr. Vijai Sharma
Your Life Coach
By Telephone

Feedback- Let us know how we are doing

Terms and Conditions

Web site designed and maintained by Chanda Taylor