SF Unconference 2017 — Session #5: Ace Pathologization

This is a summary of some of the topics discussed in the “Ace Pathologization” session at the 2017 SF Asexuality Unconference.

In this session, we talked about how asexuality is pathologized in some medical or psychological circles.  In the DSM-5 (the latest version of the handbook for diagnosing mental disorders), there are a pair of similar disorders:  Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and Female Sexual Interest / Arousal Disorder.  The diagnostic criteria for these “disorders” are things like “Absent interest in sexual activity”, “No initiation of sexual activity, and typically unreceptive to partner’s attempts to initiate”, and “Persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual/erotic thoughts or fantasies and desire for sexual activity.”  Or, as an asexual might call it, “Just another Tuesday.”  Now, the DSM-5 has made a few improvements over the DSM-IV.  It removed “Interpersonal distress” as one of the criteria, which means that you can’t be diagnosed if you’re fine with it, but it bothers your partner.  More importantly, the DSM-5 introduced explicit exclusions for asexuality, stating plainly that if someone self-identifies as asexual, they should not be diagnosed with either “disorder”.

Now, hey, that’s great, asexuality is recognized and all, but there are several problems here.  First, is use of phrase “self-identifies”.  In order to qualify for the asexuality exclusion, you have to say something like “I am asexual, so I don’t have MHSDD”.  But if you’ve never heard of asexuality, well then, you can’t say you’re asexual, so congratulations, you’ve got MHSDD!  (And now that you have MHSDD or FSIAD, here’s some potentially dangerous pills for you.  Here’s some ineffective therapy tips that will only make you feel more broken.)

Second, the asexuality exclusions in the DSM-5 are buried in the notes about these “disorders”, where it’s easy to overlook them, and only in the full version.  The desk reference for the DSM-5 omits these notes and any mention of asexuality entirely.

Going back to the remark on “potentially dangerous pills”, we talked about Addyi/Flibanserin.  Addyi is terrible on several fronts.  First, it doesn’t really work.  Clinical trials showed barely any difference over a placebo, and what little difference there is comes with side effects like “sudden loss of consciousness” and a restriction on drinking alcohol (and grapefruit juice!) while taking it.  Second, the approval process was questionable.  It had failed FDA approval several times before (because it didn’t work and was dangerous).  It was originally meant to be an anti-depressant, but it didn’t work as one, so they decided to change what it’s meant to treat and try again.  Part of the clinical trials for a pill designed for women were only tested on men.  Because the pill was a medical failure that couldn’t be approved on the basis of safety and effectiveness, the company who owned the rights decided to push a “gender equality” angle instead, saying that it’s unfair that men have Viagra and Cialis and Levitra and women have nothing. (Disregarding the fact that they are entirely different types of pills.  Addyi isn’t a mechanical drug designed to aid physical arousal, it’s literally meant to be a mind-changer, something that’ll make you mentally more interested in having sex.  Men don’t have a pill that does that, either.)  And third, the corporate shenanigans going on with the companies involved with this pill are a staggeringly clear example of what people are complaining about when they talk about greedy pharmaceutical companies.  I don’t spend my days decrying Big Pharma as the devil, but hoo-boy do these people have some slimy things going on.

There is an ever-present fear that the makers of Addyi will eventually start to make a marketing push for the pill (they haven’t yet because congressional investigations, federal subpoenas, and the SEC poking its nose in your business tends to make you nervous about introducing a pill that can cause a “sudden loss of consciousness”).  When they do, it will undoubtedly lead to thousands of asexual women (especially ones who don’t know they’re asexual, but certainly not limited to them) being pressured into taking this dangerous pill that doesn’t work.  Well-meaning people will throw “They have a pill for that now” at anyone who says they’re asexual, and doctors will push this medication on their patients, because the ballpoint pen they just got says it’s wonderful.  The existing marketing materials for Addyi push it as a treatment for Female HSDD, which isn’t even recognized by the DSM-5 anymore.  They make no mention of asexuality, because asexuals aren’t going to be profitable.

A lot of things have been written about Addyi/flibanserin, so I’ll leave a few of them here and move on.

The Ace Flibanserin Task Force

For Asexual Community, Flibanserin Is A Bitter Pill To Swallow

Flibanserin:  The Female Viagra is a Failed Me-Too Antidepressant

I’m a Feminist.  Here’s Why I Don’t Support The “Female Viagra”

The prevalence of asexuality was discussed.  We went over the 1% statistic, the wider 1-6% estimate, and talked about some of the problems with accurately determining the true number of asexual people.  This post provides a decent overview of the numbers and what’s wrong with them, and potentially what can be done about it.

We talked about good and bad experiences with therapists, but as those conversations were of a personal nature, I will not repeat them here.  Suffice it to say, there are some therapists who are good and some who should have their licenses revoked.

We talked about finding an effective therapist.  One of the tips was to look for a solid LGBTQIA+ friendly therapist.  Ask around for references.  If you don’t have any friends you can ask, your local LGBTQ Center/QRC might be able to help point you in the right direction.  However, that’s not a sure-fire solution.  Some people mentioned that they have encountered queer therapists who are not ace-friendly.  Another tip was to provide your caregiver with research or informational materials on asexuality, if they are skeptical.  RFAS has some good resources, some of which are designed for healthcare practitioners.

At the same time, it was clear that it shouldn’t be the patient’s responsibility to make sure their doctor knows how to work with an asexual patient.  We talked about more proactive outreach, where asexual people talk to doctors and therapists and others about asexuality and working with asexuals.  Maybe that’s going to a conference and running a session on asexuality, or maybe that’s talking to a local clinic about doing a lunchtime brownbag session for their doctors.  Is anyone out there working on something like this?



SF Unconference 2017 — Session #4: Asexuality Jokes and Memes

This is a summary of some of the topics discussed in the “Asexuality Jokes and Memes” session at the 2017 SF Asexuality Unconference.

Some of the jokes/puns/comments mentioned:

I like my sex like I like my coffee:  I don’t like coffee.

Why frick-frack when you can snick-snack?

Asexual in the streets, still asexual in the sheets.

Asexual Ace Hardware puns

Asexuals literally give no fucks

Of course, no discussion about asexuality and humor can leave out the chapter from the Bogaert book.  In Understanding Asexuality, Anthony Bogaert devotes an entire chapter to talking about sex jokes and how asexual people are probably incapable of understanding them (not that he bothers to actually talk to any of us about it).  Since we had a group of aces at the table, talking about jokes, we had to test his hypothesis.  The chapter begins with a joke involving a dentist, a patient who is apparently immune to sedatives or anesthetics, and a dangerous off-label use of a prescription drug that would almost certainly lead to the dentist having their medical license revoked.  The joke was told.  There was, in fact, not much laughing at the joke.  However, when someone remarked “I’ve had sex that hasn’t lasted as long as the setup for that joke”, the table erupted.

So yeah, asexuals can laugh at sex jokes sometimes.

Some people mentioned that they didn’t like jokes that infantilized asexuals.  Others mentioned they didn’t like jokes based on the stereotype that asexuals don’t understand sex.

It was mentioned that asexual jokes can be important, because it can be a good way to spread visibility.  Non-ace people might not care about educational information about asexuality, so they’ll ignore it.  But they might laugh at a joke and share it with others.  The next day, this idea proved itself, when one of the parade marcher’s “Asexuals Don’t Give A Fuck” signs made the rounds of social media, with many non-aces sharing the image.

Humor also can be used as a signal of approachability.  As in, “I’m comfortable enough to laugh about this, so you should be comfortable to talk to me about it.”



SF Unconference 2017 — Session #3: Aces in Fiction and Media

This is a summary of some of the topics discussed in the “Aces in Fiction and Media” session at the 2017 SF Asexuality Unconference.

This session was mostly talking about ace and ace-ish characters in fiction, so much of the discussion was about plot points and storylines that I won’t go into here.  There was also a discussion about something that is very good news and that was very exciting to hear but that I don’t think is widely publically known, so unfortunately, I don’t think I can talk about it here.  (But trust me, it’s awesome.)

Here were some of the items mentioned as having ace characters, whether explicit, implicit, or headcanoned.  (This is not intended to be a complete rundown of all ace characters out there, just a list of those mentioned that I was able to write down fast enough.)

Bojack Horseman

Shades of A

Supernormal Step


We Awaken


Shortland Street

Sex Criminals

Minority Monsters



And it was recommended to steer clear of:

House (S8E8 Better Half)

The Olivia Experiment


Some people wanted to see multiple aces together in fiction, so that it’s clear that asexuality isn’t just a personality quirk of that one character.  Some wanted to see relationship negotiations.  Some wanted to see the ace character be more than just ace, to have hobbies or to have problems (including relationship problems) that don’t stem from asexuality or sex.

And check out the Ace Tropes series, over on The Asexual Agenda.


SF Unconference 2017 — Session #2: Out in the __________

This is a summary of some of the topics discussed in the “Out in the ________” session at the 2017 SF Asexuality Unconference.

This session was about coming out or being out as asexual.  How to do it, where to do it, why to do it, and so on.

First, there’s a difference between “coming out” and “staying out”.  A lot of people tend to think that you come out once, and that’s it, you’re out forever.  Not the case.  Get a new roommate?  Time to come out again.  Get a new job?  Time to come out again.  Move to a new city?  Then you’re coming out all over the place.  It can get easier the more you do it.

There’s also a difference between being “out” and being “out loud”.  You can be “out”, where it’s a nonchalant part of who you are and you don’t really go around broadcasting, or you can be “out loud”, where you make an effort to make sure everyone around you knows.

Coming out tends to come with questions.  Be prepared for them, but understand that you’re not obligated to answer them if you don’t want to.  You’re not responsible for someone else’s education.  Some people direct those with questions to other resources (like this site).  When answering questions, you might have to decide whether to take a broad view and launch into an Asexuality 101 lecture, or whether to be specific and stick to how you feel.  Which you choose can depend on the context.  Your best friend might get the pour-your-heart-out unabridged version, while a coworker might just get a simple “I’m asexual.”

Speaking of coworkers, many of the people in the group talked about how they weren’t really out at work, for one reason or another.  Some discussed working in a sexualized atmosphere where asexuality would be ostracized, while others mentioned that sexuality isn’t really discussed in their workplace, so bringing up asexuality would be out of place.

Some people talked about coming out on social media.  For some, it was a helpful way to get the information out to everyone at the same time, while avoiding in-person drama.  However, it was brought up that it’s easy to miss posts on many social media platforms, so if you’ve posted something, maybe some algorithm down in Mountain View decided that your mother shouldn’t see it.  Additionally, some people rely on customized security settings to keep some posts from certain people or groups, but those security settings are easy to get mixed up.

Compartmentalizing was important to some people.  They may be out loud around their friends, out to their coworkers, and deep in the closet to family members.

One suggestion for coming out was to just assume everyone knows, then act surprised when someone doesn’t know.  It turns the tables on the common, “I have something to tell you script”, by making it into “How did you miss that?”, which can lessen the stress around it.

It was brought up that we lack a prominent person to point to and say “They’re like me”.  We don’t have an Ellen.  We don’t have an Alan Cumming.  We don’t have a Laverne Cox.  Having someone like that would go a long way to help people be comfortable in their asexuality and give them a common point of reference when they come out.  There’s some people like Janeane Garafalo or Tim Gunn, but no one prominent who’s vocally ace.  We need someone better than Sheldon and Sherlock to point to.

SF Unconference 2017 — Session #1: Planning for the Future as an Aromantic.

This is a summary of some of the topics discussed in the “Planning for the Future as an Aromantic” session at the 2017 SF Asexuality Unconference.

One of the first topics was the decision of whether or not to live alone, and how to live with others, if that’s what’s wanted.  The traditional progression of a romantic relationship often involves moving in with a romantic partner, but aromantic people don’t follow that script.

Many of the people did not want did not want to live with others.  They’d done the roommate thing in the past and didn’t like it, preferring to be on their own.  Others wanted roommates or living with friends.  Economic considerations also came into play, with some people unable to afford to live alone, despite their preferences.

There was a question about whether or not it would be worth disclosing your aroness/aceness to prospective roommates.  Some might prefer that you “won’t be bringing people home all the time”, or it might be a way to weed out incompatible roommates.

Some people talked about becoming the Single Aunt or Uncle, and what that would mean.  Primarily, that would be the expectation that because you’re not “tied down” by a partner or children, that you’re able to drop everything to take care of your parents as they age.  There was also a comment about becoming an ATM for nieces and nephews.  On the flipside, the Single Aunt or Uncle did provide a template for living alone for some of us, and some people like the idea of being the cool single uncle or aunt.

Things like emergency contacts, insurance beneficiaries, and medical decision makers came up.  For many people, that would be their current long-term partner.  But who is it for a permanently single aro?  Many in the session mentioned listing their parents, but were aware that was not a permanent long term solution.  There was talk about health care directives and living wills and other things like that, but there was a concern about how to let people know that you have such a thing.  Do you awkwardly blast out a Google Docs link to everyone you know?  Do you keep it in a lockbox in your closet where it will be discovered long after your wishes have already been ignored?  It was also brought up that it might not even matter, as things like living wills and healthcare directives are often ignored, even when they’re known.  The concept of a “Designated Person” was mentioned.  A Designated Person would be a person who can make decisions on your behalf and who will act according to your interest.

Parenting was discussed.  Some of the aros in the group expressed an interest in potentially becoming parents, but acknowledged difficulties.  Adopting can be challenging when single.  There were concerns about raising a child alone.  Coparenting arrangements were brought up, but finding a suitable coparent can be difficult.

Dying alone was a concern.  Whether that’s actually dying alone and wondering how long it’ll be before someone notices, or just going through the aging process.  One person mentioned that they’re planning to choose a good retirement home while they’re still healthy, so they’ll be where they want to be, instead of ending up where they’re sent when they no longer have a choice.

Becoming a partner in a poly group was suggested.  It could be more stable than random roommates, and can fill many of the holes mentioned above.  However, it’s not for everyone.

Intentional ace/aro housing communities were talked about.  There can be a house or an apartment building or something where we can live alone, together.

And on a final note, and less serious than some of the topics above, what’s the deal with a +1 at a work party?  In theory, it’s just a “+1”, so why is it so discouraged to bring a friend or a relative?  Why are +1s exclusively expected to be romantic partners?