21 Things Only Mums Who Have Had C-Sections Know

The first anniversary of my second C-Section (aka my daughter’s first birthday) is coming up!  Fun times! OK, not really — but meeting my beautiful little Poppy Belle for the first time was absolutely incredible, a life-changing experience that I’ll never forget. And, luckily both her and her brother were born safely, thanks to the most amazing doctor in New York City.

But, regardless of how many babies you’ve delivered, or who delivered them, if you’ve had a C like me, there are certain truths that you know, like these:

1. That the giant needle-to-the-spine to prevent pain hurts like a motherfu*ker going in

2. The cold fear that enters your heart as you’re strapped down to a table while fully conscious (You watched “Dexter,” too, right?)

3. That you will be simultaneously shaved and catheterized before the numbing meds kick in (WTF!)

4. The smothering sensation of at least two doctors pressing their full body weight on your rib cage to pop your baby out

5. That it’s entirely possible for that baby to shoot out of a slit that’s half the size of your palm

6. The slit will be cut so low that nobody but your husband and God will ever see it (well, except the girlfriends you show after a few drinks)

7. The gratefulness you’ll feel that there’s a curtain concealing everything…

8. …even though you can hear everything, including the word “scalpel”

9. That nothing is scarier than hearing the word “scalpel” while being strapped to a table

10. …except the thought of standing/walking/sneezing/coughing/pooping/peeing after your surgery

11. That it’s entirely possible to vomit while lying perfectly flat on your back — but not inhale it — thanks to the quick-as-a-whip nurse who angles your head just so (*you will swallow it all instead)

12. The wonder that your doctor pretty much took you apart and put you back together again — and she got it all right!

13. That your uterus may have been housing a mini boxer for the last 9+ months, but that was nothing compared to the beatdown your doctor just gave it

14. The evil that lurks deep within the souls of the people who force you to get out of bed hours after that beatdown

15. That you can breastfeed after you’ve had a C-Section, thankyouverymuch, Aunt Sue

16. …but the lactation consultant telling you to nurse on your side so you can “rest” is most definitely batsh*t

17. That post-C-Section pooches don’t give a damn about crunches, Pilates, or, for that matter, voodoo magic

18. The miracle of high-waisted granny panties is second only to the mythical magic of those so-ugly-but-so-comfortable mesh undies

19. That walking a block during those first few weeks after a C-section takes the courage of seven lions

20. That you may not have pushed an 8-pounder out, but you’re still going to cling to that no-sex-for-six-weeks rule like a newborn to a nipple

21. To say you’re disappointed that you didn’t have a vaginal birth…but secretly feel thankful that your lady parts are still nice ‘n’ tight

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Photo: Heather Morgan Shott