Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The 56th Grammy Awards

As usual, Rants is a couple of days behind with things, but last night for the first time, I watched the Grammys on 4Music. I was going to try and watch it, like a normal person, but within thirty seconds I was reaching for my note pad and I didn't stop for two hours.

If you didn't manage to see it, then try and see if it's on catch up and I'm sure you'll understand each and every comment made. This is going to be a bit like my Eurovision run down; what happened in the order it happened and nothing but the truth from Rants. Enjoy!

Beyonce and Jay-Z
So it started with a music performance, and me having no bearing on current music, had no idea who it was. I guessed Rhianna, Slut (AKA Miley) and then woe betide, it was Beyonce straddling the chair. It wasn't so bad when she was on the chair but once she got up, you could see right where those knickers went. Ewww. Anyhoo, the song was crap, the words were nothing short of bizarre and there was absolutely no melody but of course that doesn't matter when Beyonce's gyrating against her husband.

Oh well, the crowd loved it.

LL Cool J
The presenter for the night. It's the usual crap nonsense that feels really forced and just read off the auto cue. It's so awkward and unnatural. Can't they ad lib? Most of them are actors/singers/performers. I'm sure they could find something hilarious to say that actually sounded genuine.

Daft Punk
I realised the daft punk guys are like The Stig from Top Gear. They never take them damn helmets off.

Cue another shitty in between segment. It's all so uncomfortable.

Well, this was the first time I'd heard this song and seen the woman herself. Sorry, I mean girl. She's 16! What the feckles? I would have said at least 26 and believe me, it's not a compliment. I thought one of the lyrics was: 'You can call me creepy.' In which my response was: 'Good, you are.' But then I later realised she said, 'You can call me Queen bee.' I guess that made more sense with the song title: Royals. Ah well, could work either way.

Pharrell's Hat seems to need special mention. It did tend to distract away from other things.

Steve Coogan
Wow. I though Steve Coogan was presenting a Grammy but turns out he was introducing an act. Still it was nice to see a Brit up there, there weren't many over the course of the night. He was being beautifully British, though I'm not sure he used quite the right words to describe Katie Perry.

Katie Perry
Started off a bit Kate Bush - Never Forever, but didn't last long. The usual over the top theatrics you'd expect from Perry but very pitchy. It must be really hard to be her backing vocalist. Try and harmonise with that. There was a bit of pole dancing during the rap interlude in which one of the horrific lyrics was: 'She can be my sleeping beauty. I'll put her in a coma.' Lovely!
It just feels as though they create as many distractions and over stimulate - fire, props, screens, pole dancing, rap, dragons - so you don't notice just how bad the song and vocals actually are.

Now, if you didn't get to see the Grammy's, this is the performance you have to see! It must be on YouTube somewhere. Pink is suspended over the crowd doing all sorts of acrobatics, whilst singing in key. It's fuckin' mind blowing. She's upside down. She's spinning. She's hanging. She's fuckin' strong as Ken and it's completely jaw dropping. Her performance shits all over anything else that night.

She then joined the guy from Fun for a duet which was a shame because the guy in the suit was just screeching and sounded terrible. Whereas Pink who'd just been suspended from the ceiling, comes back on in a lovely long skirt and massive heels and sings her ass off.

Lorde won an award and she's actually a little terrifying.

Chicago and Robin Thicke
It sounds sleazy. You are sleazy. So don't try and do something cute in a tux. You will never be forgiven for Blurred Lines. You don't fool us. But I felt sorry for the lovely old men that you dragged into it. He sang a medley of songs, finishing with Blurred Lines, of course. And I'd just like to say, it doesn't matter if you stick some fuckin' brass in it, it's fuckin' hideous!

Taylor Swift
Hooray, another clothed woman. Actually she had quite a nice dress and she looked very pretty. She played the piano and sang, albeit a little pitchy here and there - which I was quite shocked at - but we also had some very exuberant head movements. It was a very committed performance, if a tad boring. But half way through 6 guitarists appeared, all playing the same thing and 6 backing vocalists.

What the fuck was Beyonce's dress about? It looked like she was holding the bottom of it, but it also wasn't attached to the rest of it. Weird!

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr
Ringo was having a lovely time on the drums.
The lyrics to this song were preposterous but hilarious: Queenio, Queenio, who's got the ball. I don't know, it's not in my pocket. Ha ha. Peter Kay sketch comes flooding back.
The song was pretty shite actually and just sounded exactly like Shine by Take That. I wonder if he's been conspiring with Mr Barlow and Mr Owen? All I can think is: Morrison's advert.
I can't help but wonder what we'll do when there aren't any Beatles left?????????

Stevie Wonder, Pharrell, Nile Rodgers, Daft Punk
Pharrell's hat - a different one this time - was actually taking over the stage. He looked like he was either going, or he'd already been, fishing. It was like Huckleberry Finn with a cowboy hat. Quite cute.
I actually felt quite sorry for Stevie Wonder who still has a remarkable voice, because Pharrell really didn't tonight and there was some pretty freaky attempts at harmony.

What the hell was Bruno Mars wearing? Another wannabe cowboy?
Oh and Beyonce can't clap. You could see her just pressing her hands together. Make some noise, bitch!

Imagine Dragons
Wow, this was amazing. I'd never heard them before but the guy at the beginning had an incredible voice and then the rappy guy was fantastic and there were huge drums everywhere and so much atmosphere. It was a little bit rock, a little bit rap, there was so much energy and passion. This was an insane performance and again, one you need to check it out on YouTube if you haven't seen it yet. The final build up to the outro was amazing!

Queen Latifah came out to announce the next act, looking hot!

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Weirdly I knew who they are, due to my partner taking me to a gig as part of his work, last year. The song was fairly good, though as usual it was the melodic hook, not sung by the rapper guy that was the main thrust of the song. But 33 couples actually got married during the song from all races, cultures and sexualities. Which would have been nice until Madonna came on looking about 90 and barely able to wobble on without her trusty stick. Talk about doddery. She was a mess and still can't sing for shit.
When she sang along with the lady in the red dress at the end, it was almost like a singing lesson. It goes like this, listen and repeat. No Madonna, listen, it goes like this. Oh for fucks sake Madonna. Listen will you.
She ain't listening. Must have turned her hearing aids off.
What a slap in the face having a doddery old woman who can't sing, attempting to do so at your wedding. But then, you did choose to get married at the Grammys, so really you're just asking for trouble.

All the categories for awards, all have the same five artists in them. It's really annoying. Pharrell keeps winning in his random hat and Daft Punk keep winning in helmets.

Jesus is here (AKA Jared Leto) to announce Metallica and Lang Lang taking to the stage. Now this should have been amazing. Notice the should. The piano intro was great, though you knew it was nothing but a warm up for him. And he was surrounded by fire, very cool.
Then when Metallica kicked in there was some really dodgy timing going on and then AHHHHHHHHH! Mr Hetfield, what the hell have you done to yourself, your hair and your voice. You used to be so sexy. Oh my word. He looked like an older DiNozzo from NCIS.
I'm not exactly sure how this combination of greatness didn't work, but it really didn't. Until the outro, which was immense.

Alicia Keys came on to announce an award, looking a little mannish. Sorry but it had to be said. And guess what? Fuckin' Pharrell and the robot won again. Boring!

The final performance, again on paper should have been mega, but it turned out just a tad messy!
Queens of the Stone Age, Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl, Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac)
Very messy first song, though Mr Grohl is a frickin' beast! But the second song was much better.
It did offend me slightly that they showed the stupid Grammy Sponsors over the top of the second rock performance of the night, but then who doesn't need to see a picture of a Delta plane.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reliving it through my eyes and seriously if you haven't watched any of it, you have to at least watch Pink, Madonna and Imagine Dragons. It will probably be on 4music catchup on 4od and I'm sure most of the performances are also on YouTube or something similar.

Well, I suppose I should stop having fun and go and do some real work.


Thursday, January 23, 2014

Some Things To Think About.........

What would it take to make a waterproof coat that kept you dry on the outside and on the inside?
I mean, come on, with all the technological advances in the world, this seems a rather archaic need.
But the sweatiness of a waterproof coat is nasty. It's sticky and unpleasant. It almost feels as if the water the coat is saving you from is somehow being pumped inside. Mmmmmm. Moist.

And whilst I'm sure there are coats out there that could keep out the Niagara Falls, I'm also sure of their £600+ price tag. So what about the bob-public? (Taking a change from Jo-public.) What are we supposed to do?

Take deodorant everywhere?
Take spare clothes with us, everywhere we go?
Wear a bikini/nothing underneath?

Come on waterproof scientist guys. Sort it out.

And whilst we're not really on the subject, what about wi-fi printers? I understand that the days of wires are long over and only cave men and retro tech enthusiasts still use them, but I have to say at least when your printer is plugged into the computer, it tends to understand straight away that it has to print something. All this, no wires, don't even have to be in the same post code, let alone the same room, just seems to confuse it. The information it's sending has to just float around in the air somewhere until it is blown towards the printer and then after twenty minutes or so, it realises what you want it to do.

It does slightly redeem itself with the speed at which it actually prints - once it acknowledges that's what you asked it to do 20 minute ago - but if its waiting around, chewing on its nails time could be shortened, that would be great.

No wires is of course remarkable and I still have no idea how the hell it works. It's magic! It's just hovering around somewhere in that proverbial 'cloud' of stuff - don't get that either - but it's magic and it's totally advanced, but for printers it's a tad slow and I want to say 'special'.

There's definite work to be done here.

Another short one from me. Can you believe it? Maybe I'm finally grasping this brevity nonsense. Maybe...


Monday, January 20, 2014

I'll only say it thrice

Yes youths on bus, I will only say - very politely I might add - excuse me, thrice. And when I say it three times and you don't move, then I will shove you out of the way, as I had to do, probably knocking into several people with my massive bags, at the same time.

It was a shocking enough bus journey, having stopped at Kings Cross for five minutes - and no discernible reason - to then drive round to the next stop and stop again to change drivers. Then as I'm getting ready to leave, all these people flood on and I have to gently shimmy through them, only to reach an impasse involving the back of a youth and his unwillingness to move.

Talk about oblivious! Urgh!

I try to avoid direct contact with the teenage youth variety, mainly due to genuine terror, but today they left me no choice. Contact was unavoidable.

Next time I'll try, get out of my way, get out of my way, get out of my way, and see if that works. Or fuckin' move, fuckin' move, fuckin' move. Or shift, shift, shift. There are plenty of options.

So, just how weirdly wrong are £50 notes? Granted I don't see a lot of them, they are 99% fictitious, but I received a cash payment today for one of my classes and it was a £50 note and there was something so bizarre about it. It's huge and the writing looks wrong and it's weird to think of a piece of paper being worth that much.

But, I am not complaining as I add it to my holiday fund for this year. Absolutely not. Still, they are weird.

Finally, it really is true that once you turn 30, partying becomes an issue and not just with your mental state but also your physical state. I journeyed to Nottingham for a Wassail, at the weekend, my first Wassail actually and thoroughly enjoyed beating the spirits out of the apple tree and chanting and drinking vast amounts of tasty cider, both chilled and mulled. I also seriously enjoyed our mini dance floor and subsequent karaoke sing along, consisting of about five of us, whilst the rest of the guests pretended they didn't know us.

But when two days later you've suddenly developed a cold and you feel all achy and bunged up and dizzy, you think, I really can't do this anymore. The late night and alcohol induced sleep and double speed chinwagging - self employed, don't get out much - all combine to make a sore throat and spaced out body and a lovely cranky tiredness.

I must point out that I did have a lovely time though and I expect another Wassail next year. I just need to work on my recovery time from said events.

Well, that was a short rant. Enjoy your Monday. 


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Triple Whammy

There are three things that have been getting on my goat for a while now and they have finally reached rant status, though at least one of them has been ranted about before, so I guess they have reached re-rant status and not many things do that.

Pedestrian Issues

1. Dog Shit

Yes, okay this is a common one in a lot of areas, but in Kentish Town - yes I love you KT but you need to sort this shit out, pronto! - it has reached some sort of bizarre epidemic. There is literally dog shit on the streets every three strides and when you're trying to negotiate a large buggy with two children in and save your DMs, it can get ugly, fast. Of course I usually opt to save the DMs. Of course.

There are a hell of a lot of dog owners and there are dog poo bins in the park, which is usually where the path of shit leads, so why the hell aren't you picking it up and tossing it in the bin? Oh, because it's much more fun to let others play dodge the crap? Well screw you. If you have a dog, then you must be willing to clean up after it. It's like having a small child, taking the nappy off and just having at it. Unless we need to start getting doggy diapers - only used the US term for alliteration purposes - something has to change.

And considering KT is supposed to be the place to be now and all the house prices are sky rocketing and we can't get a bigger place, it seems directly proportional to the amount of shit. More luxury flats built; more people move in, more shit. Though, I'm sure the locals have something to do with it too.

But there are so many young families and kids around. Kids explore. Kids touch stuff they shouldn't, it's called knowledge and understanding of the world, or just touching crap on the floor because mummy said not to. But anyhoo, it can't be good and it could lead to not only poo on shoes, poo in home, poo on carpet. But also poo in mouth, ill child; yucky buggy wheels and heaven forbid, shit on DMs. NO!

Seriously though dog walkers and owners, take some plastic bags with you and clean up your crap! As far as I'm concerned if it's your dog, it's your crap! (I feel I may have hit on a new advertising strategy there. I can just see the billboards now: If it's your dog, it's your crap! By Rants of a Bitter Northerner. Sort of poetic, don't you think.)

2.Cyclists, Taxis and Zebra Crossings

Moving on. This is most definitely a re-rant.  It springs it's ugly head every few months or so because it is a repeat offense. It happens more than I care to remember and involves some barely avoided crashes with varying types of vehicles and often involves me with one or more children.

Last Tuesday.
So last Tuesday this happened:

I cross the road at a zebra crossing. I get to the middle and wait for the black cab to stop, which miraculously it did. And as I'm almost across, two knob head cyclists come hurtling towards me and have to dangerously swerve around me. What a couple of knobs! I was so close to being run down and oh how my rage would have been released if that happened, though maybe it would have had to wait until after the concussion had wore off and my injuries were seen to.

The taxi stopped for a reason, you know at that stripy thing on the road, you know where pedestrians cross? Oh, you do know it, so then maybe you could consider stopping next time instead of speeding up like a couple of twats.

I screamed something at them, but they were long gone. And that time I was actually grateful to the taxi.

So it seems to be repeat Tuesday offenses, but here's what happened yesterday:

Different zebra crossing but only a five minute walk from the other one mentioned above. I pick up one of my past pupils from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays and directly opposite his flat block is a zebra crossing. Now normally you have to be careful because the cyclists zoom down the side, even when the buses have stopped and so you can't see shit and you have to poke your head out and hope.

This time, however, the cyclist stopped. Thank you very much, there are some out there who understand the big stripy line, good to know. And the man in the van saw me start to cross with a tiny child and then proceeded to speed up. I had to put my arm out and shout 'Bloody Hell'. Couldn't stop the swear filter at that point, despite little ears. What an idiot.

Then, that only took us to the middle of the road, I still had to negotiate the other side. The taxi approaching, slowed down and stopped, so I peeped round to check on cyclists and lo and behold, up pops another taxi, squeezes past the other taxi (it's a one lane road by the way) and keeps going. I have to yank the child out of the way, for a complete tool, and eventually reach safety on the other side. Can I just say this is a relatively tiny road, for London, and it involves two high risks of death, even with a supposed pedestrian crossing.

It needs sorting out and soon, otherwise it will be me or a child or another pedestrian landing in the hospital with not only injuries and pain but a hell of a rage!

3. Trampoline Etiquette

Now, to finish our triple whammy, there is an issue that only affects about 0.5% of the population of London, never mind anywhere else, but you might relate it to something else very similar or just find it funny compared to the last one.

So, every week, I take two of the kids I look after to Baby Gym in Kentish Town and we are allowed to run on the bouncy floor and use the real Gymnastics equipment. It's great fun.

Now, there are two trampolines and normally about 40 kids in the room plus adults, so it can mean a lot of waiting. But when I'm sitting there with a really well behaved kid, just waiting for the current child to finish and then another child just comes up and nabs our spot, wow that makes me mad.

Then they always try to make out they can't see you. Oh yeah, because you can't see the frickin' Rainbow Brite t-shirt I'm wearing or the little boys dinosaur t-shirt. No, we just blend in to the white of the trampoline. How could you possibly have seen us?

Oh, I know it sounds so petty, but this really gets my goat up, whatever that means. I am nice person, by default and we all know I'm softer than I should be and I hate confrontation but some of those mums need to sort themselves out.

And some of them let their kids stay on bouncing for ages, even though there are people waiting. The kids I'm with, I always limit their time if there's people waiting, so it's fair. Probably the Pre School teacher in me, that refuses to leave. But yesterday, the woman that had cut in in front of us, then had the cheek to say: 'Oh, just say if you want to go on.' Oh no, I just like sitting here watching. Ahhhhhhh!

Luckily, I keep all these things inside and they fuel the rants, otherwise what would I do for you guys?

So there you have it, the triple whammy of annoyances. Dog shit, zebra crossings and trampoline etiquette. Surely that's enough to get anyone ranting. ;-)

Anyhoo, that's enough from me. I'd appreciate any comments on your triple whammy. What's your top three annoyances of 2014 so far? Does anyone agree with mine or also experience mine? You can comment on here or facebook or twitter. Cheers.

That's all for now.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The January Malfunction

Ah, it's that time when everyone announces their resolutions for a 'new you', a 'new year' and of course they fall flat on their face in a matter of days. Like those people attempting the Dryanuary. He he. You can't just quit cold turkey after supping all month, that's gonna wreck the body and drag your sanity down with it. Expecting people to cope through the rapid come down which is January is hardly going to be easier without alcohol. Okay, obviously it is a nice way to raise money for breast cancer and I hope those doing it raise a lot of money. But really? In January?

Anyhoo, I didn't bother with the old resolutions, I never do, but I know what I want this year anyway, it's the same thing I've wanted for the last five; to finish the god damn novel and get it out there. It's been around 2 years since my last submission and subsequent rejection, now it's time to get out there and do it all again. Whoop!

And it's also my year for fundraising again. I do some sort of running event, every other year - because I'm a lazy arse and can't do too many or I'll break -  and this year it could be The Great North run, plus a couple of other shorter races. Fingers crossed I get in through the ballot as I've always wanted to do it, despite it being even further up North than I'm from and therefore subject to adverse weather conditions, whilst also running 13.1 miles. Fun, fun, fun. Still, it's on the list and this year just might be my year.

So that's my year planned. The usual. Music classes, writing a shit load, getting the China blogs out through The Sarky Traveller and doing some running to raise money for my charity. Done! You don't need a resolution, just a plan. Oh and chuck in a couple of weddings and a holiday, hopefully to Chicago! 2014 sorted. Oh, and if we could throw in copious amount of cocktails and movies with friends, that would also be good. Okay, I think I'm done now.

Anyhoo, I have started on a complete tangent. What I was going to talk about was the inevitable January malfunctions. I don't know if anyone else experiences these but yesterday I was having a right coordination/body malfunction. I managed to get the hiccups at three different times in the day but those painful ones that take ages to go away, no matter how many times you stand on your head, or gulp water or your boyfriend attempts to scare you in the most unscary way ever.

Then I seemed to lose the ability to drink without spilling it all over myself. And then I kept laughing whilst drinking and having to spit it out (in the sink). What the feck! Whilst eating my lunch I also managed to send the food completely the wrong way, though I'm not sure how, all I have to do is put the damn stuff in my mouth, causing a five minute coughing fit . Well done me.

It didn't help that every time I laughed or coughed or moved, I was in pain, due to my belly, butt and thigh blaster DVD. Wow, I actually have abs. I was unaware of this until I awakened them from their cosy, fat plumped sleep. I even have side obliques, whatever the hell they are and they are evil. I think I want them to go back to sleep. Ha ha.

Anyhoo, that's just preparing me for the torture of training for another half marathon. Which is all self inflicted, I know. But aside from the body malfunctions, my printer has had it. After several long years of servitude the error message: service required has come up and there is no way to bypass it, which means......a new printer. Ahhhhhhhh! I hate change. Why do my appliances not realise that?

So of course we start looking around for a new printer but you can't just have a printer, you have to have a scanner, photocopier, arse wiper and shoe polisher combined. And you look at it and think....mmmm, that'll last about a year if I'm lucky. I don't want something that will break in a short amount of time. I want something robust. My printer has been with me through thick and thin, through countless full print outs of the novel, and we're talking hundreds of pages. It's been there for all the photographs I've printed out to make scrap books and all sorts of picture books and gifts. It's been there for music class certificates and progress reports and of course submissions to agents. The fact that it still works and has a shit load of ink in it, is just a slap in the face. Because despite only one tiny thing needing replacing, I can no longer use it without replacing that part and to do that would probably cost twice as much as one of these new fangled, does everything printers.

I just want my old printer back. Wah. Wah. I am a lover of vintage tech and I'm not afraid to say it. The computer I am writing this on is about 6/7 years old. My non-smart phone is coming up for seven years old. And of course my printer was about 5/6 years old too. All this new stuff is great, but it's not made to last. It's made to last just about enough time until the fucking upgrade is available and I don't like to upgrade. I like to use things until I wear them out, not discard them for a new one, or have to discard them because they have a purposefully short life span.

There are so many things changing and for the good most of them, but I could do with my vintage tech staying the same, at least for a little while. Too much change and I might just self destruct in a poof of rants and curses.

Enough whining, I guess. I have to go and pick up a child from school, part of my bizarre self employment, and I am still in PJ bottoms due to the fact that I was saturated this morning, in a torrential downpour. And, I was stupid enough to not wear a hat or waterproof coat, so I can't even complain about it. Total idiocy on my part.

Anyhoo, have a great Tuesday, hopefully without malfunctions of any kind. And I'll rant for you again soon.