bbbrashbashPartassipant [3] 96 points97 points 4 months ago


I'm a little concerned that you may have a tendency to put your own feelings on mute where your dad is involved.

It's kind of like how kids avoid confrontation or being mad at the parent that's not there, out of fear they if they do, the parent will disappear on them.

I know this is hard, but you need to pull back those urges to coddle your dad. At some point, taking any scrap of attention he throws your way needs to stop being enough. You need to be honest with your dad. Maybe depending on what you're comfortable with (it sounds like you prefer talking), write down how you're feeling so you know what you want to say.

"Dad, I know we talked a bit before, but, I would really like if we could be more honest with each other. I'm sorry you're upset because you expected a more timely/enthusiastic response to a text. To be completely honest with you though, you want me to be excited about something you are excluding me from. It's incredibly hurtful that you don't want me(us if you want to throw your brother in with you) there for something so important to you. It makes me feel like I'm not important to you. And honestly I wish I was. I want to talk to you more, I love you, and I want to spend time with you. But this is just another example of a time where I feel like I'm not even an afterthought. Maybe I could have been more enthusiastic, but maybe I'm not the only one mishandling our relationship. And I'm hoping that maybe I'm also not the only one that wants that to change"

mlynnpr[S] 42 points43 points 4 months ago

Wow. This reply has really helped me and I second the other comment about how you should be a therapist. Thank you so much for helping me by giving me an example of what to say to him, I will for sure be using a few bits if that’s ok. You are completely right that I want my dad to be there and love me and be impressed by me, all those child-like thoughts of wanting your parents to be super proud. I think that is why I feel like I can’t tell him how upset I am because I don’t want it to hurt the relationship, but my eyes are opening to the fact that we don’t really have a relationship anyway and that my feelings should be valid and shouldn’t hurt the relationship but be accepted by him. I am going to write him a letter or try to meet up with him on his own and prepare what I want to say before I decide what my next steps are. Thank you so much for such a detailed response and opening my eyes to the fact that I’m trying to coddle him and that I need for think about myself in the relationship too.

cantgetenough24 26 points27 points 4 months ago

How much you charge an hour? My therapist ain't this good.

crapatthethriftstorePartassipant [2] 4 points5 points 4 months ago

This right here.

ObiWineKenobi 0 points1 point 4 months ago

I’m sad it took me this long to find this comment. Thank you for encouraging dialogue. I think it’s easy for us to assume that others see the same things that we do in a relationship (like OPs dad should see how his actions are affecting the relationship), but the reality is that a lot of times people need to be told how we feel, otherwise they may never know. OP, I hope that you tell your dad how you feel and that he listens, but even if he doesn’t, at least you know that you tried to do something.