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Science Says There Is A Way To Rekindle Sexual Desire In Your Relationship

Trending News: The Scientific Way To Make Your Girlfriend Want You In Bed

Why Is This Important?

Because it is possible to be both freaky in the sheets and cosy on the streets.

Long Story Short

New research indicates that there are ways that long-term couples can sustain or even relight bedroom sexytimes. Couples who are responsive to each other tend to have more fun between the sheets.

Long Story

You meet someone, you bone like crazy in more positions than Rocco Siffredi. Then you settle down, you become life partners. And then — just when everything should be heating up — you stop boning. It’s a sequence that’s a depressing, relationship straining fact of life.

But maybe not. That’s the opinion of Gurit Birnbaum, psychology professor at the Interdisciplinary Center (IDC) in Herzliya, Israel. Birnbaum is co-author on new research that suggests there are ways couples can sustain their passion, or even relight it after it’s gone out.

How? “Our research shows that partners who are responsive to each other outside the bedroom are able to maintain their sexual desire,” Birnbaum said in a press release.

Atlantic Records

Responsiveness is defined by the authors as a type of intimacy that signals when one is truly informed and concerned about the welfare of another. So it’s something that can’t be faked. Responsive partners are willing to invest resources into their relationship and show understanding at a deep level. It’s about making someone feel that their relationship is unique — which in Western societies is what many seek from an intimate partnership.

Birnbaum worked with University of Rochester professor of physiology Harry Reis to address what is known as the "intimacy-desire paradox" — the concept that intimate and familiar relationships kill desire via (some scholars argue) the need for security messing with the novelty, uncertainty and spontaneity that often fuels desire.

But despite the concept’s popularity both in scientific circles and (in a more casual sense) the general population, it’s never been conclusively proven. Birnbaum and Reis’s new study suggests there may not be a paradox at all.

Their (rather encouraging) argument is that what determines whether intimacy prompts or inhibits desire is not its mere existence, but its meaning in the larger context of a relationship. Responsiveness encourages desire because it conveys the impression that the partner is worth pursuing and thus engaging in sex with.


The nuts and bolts of the study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology involved 100 couples who kept a diary for six weeks, both partners reporting on their own level of sexual desire each day as well as their perceptions of their partner’s responsiveness. Additionally, they reported their own levels of feeling special and perceptions of their partner’s mate value.

Results showed that when responsiveness is present, people feel special and think of their partner as a valuable mate, which boosted sexual desirability. And while responsiveness is particularly important for women, men have reported a significant boost also.

But again, you can’t fake it. It’s not about being nice. It’s about actually understanding what your partner wants. Which might sound like a chore. Then again, if you’re with the right person…

Own The Conversation

Ask The Big Question

Why do women care so much about responsiveness?

Disrupt Your Feed

Walking home from the bar I often grab my girl a frozen pizza from 7-11. Does that count?

Drop This Fact

The happiest couples tend to have sex two to three times a week.

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