Dealing with the reactions of others

“People are naturally curious and you do tend to find that people will stare, but you get a lot of staring without them actually asking anything, which can be quite uncomfortable.”

People may notice and perhaps comment on your child’s bandages, healing burn, or their scarring. This might happen regardless of whether it is a temporary or permanent change in their appearance. It is normal for people to notice things that look different. Young children are naturally curious and can ask very straightforward and sometimes blunt questions. You might notice that some adults stare, do a ‘double take’, or whisper to their companion.

“You actually prefer them to ask rather than just stare. He’s always been fine with it, it’s every time somebody says something or looks that I’m protective.”

Some parents feel distressed when people ask about their child’s injury or stare at their scars. Parents can feel hurt by other people’s comments or reactions to their child’s appearance.

“He was still quite slavered in all the creams and stuff, and his face was still really red. I remember there was a student girl who walked past and I visibly saw her go, ‘eurghhh’. And I thought, “What?! Why would anybody do that, someone’s poorly, a child, why would you be so rude?”

Some people might forget to say ‘hello’ to you and your child and, instead, just blurt out, ‘what happened?’ Most people will be genuinely concerned. They may be familiar with your situation and offer support or a friendly word. Children and parents can be unprepared to manage this sort of curiosity, and it might make you or your child feel angry, upset, or wary of going out.

“I actually stopped taking her swimming because I didn’t like it.”

You might also worry about how your child will be affected by their scars in the future.

“I worry about how he may feel about them in the future…. My son has just started school and I worry about how he will cope if someone notices his scar.”

Social and cultural differences

These concerns might also be influenced by different cultural backgrounds. The reactions of other people within different communities and groups can vary. Different social or cultural groups can respond very differently to a child being in hospital, a child having an injury (particularly an injury at home), or a child who looks different, whether they look different temporarily whilst the injury heals or permanently because of a scar. These social and cultural differences may also play an important role in how you respond to others.

“When we went out everybody was saying how sorry they were that she would have scars. They thought that she would never be able to get married. But, this made us determined to raise our daughter to be strong and with good values. Her scars shouldn’t hold her back or define her.”

People can also react differently to boys and girls with burn injuries. Within our society, the media has a strong influence over beauty ideals, particularly for females. For this reason, it can be common for parents to feel more concerned about visible scarring on girls than boys.

“It wouldn’t be such an issue if she was a boy.”

What can I do when people notice or ask questions?

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It can be very useful to think of some ways to respond to other people. This can help you and your child to feel prepared if someone stares, makes a comment or asks an unexpected or unwanted question. You shouldn’t have to stop doing activities that you enjoy or want to do because of concerns about other people staring or commenting.

Sometimes, being friendly or changing the subject can be helpful strategies. Some people find that using humour helps, and some people choose to ignore any comments. Some people find it helps to practise their response with those they trust. You and your child may also find it helpful to remind yourself that some people just do not understand scars.

“If he noticed people see it, he used to say, ‘do you want to feel it?’ Because that’s the thing, it looks really different - hard or scaly - and actually, when you touch it, it’s very soft.”

The charity Changing Faces have useful tips for dealing with the reactions of others on their website. One of these is to explain, reassure and then distract the person asking questions.

Explain, Reassure, Distract

This technique can help you and your child to effectively handle other people’s curiosity or questions. For example, if a child was to ask a question at the swimming pool, a brief conversation could be:
Explain, Reassure, Distract example

This technique allows you and your child to make the first move in social situations. This can help you to feel empowered and can help to boost self-esteem. It also helps you to respond to curiosity when meeting new people and dealing with difficult situations.

For more ideas on how you can respond to other people’s questions, click here.

Body language can boost confidence. Smiling, looking people in the eye, using a loud and clear voice, and standing up tall and straight can make everyone look confident on the outside, even when we don’t feel like it on the inside.

“Recently somebody noticed it and said to me ‘Has she damaged … has she burnt herself?’ I said ‘Yeah’ and we just talked it about it, like, you know and it wasn’t a problem at all. But, it makes you think that, you know, it’s when that first comment comes, reacting to it and how to deal with it.”