


Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift

The first one bought her a mansion.
The second one bought her a Porsche.
The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars.
After some ...

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

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Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

Elderly Woman



Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.





After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman


“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person....

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:


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Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

My daughter walked in on me flossing.

"Dad. What are you doing? That's not cool"

"This is the easiest way for me to dry the bit between balls and my asshole,"


'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'


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An elderly couple, both widowed, discussed marraige after dating a while...

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and finally they came upon the subject of marital relations...

"How do you feel about sex?" The man asked...

"I would like it infrequently," Said the woman...

The man leaned forward...and asked..."Is that one word, or two?"

What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row?

Jerry hat-trick ...



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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

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There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

What do you call a clown holding a door open for an elderly woman?

A nice jester

You're supposed to give your seat to the elderly on the bus

Well, that's how I lost my job


"How old was your husband?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."

"So you're ninety-six," the undertaker said.



“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.

"Mary, you take the offices in the Center.

"Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.

"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."

The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must hav...

The elderly woman goes to the doctor..

She says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s sil...


He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.


She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?


What do you call an elderly Spanish man?


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I fully support mandatory euthanasia for the elderly...

But I'm sure with age and maturity my views may change.

A tall guy rushed in front of an elderly woman on the train to take the last seat. The woman shouted, “What a mean guy!”

But he was clearly above average





Have you heard about the deaths of a newborn, the elderly couple, and the mentally disabled person due to an elevator accident?

It's wrong on so many levels.

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You know what elderly pussy tastes like?

Eh... Depends

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Her husband pointed out: “’s because your boobs are in the oatmeal”.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....



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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.


She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"

She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I ...

A young man and an elderly woman are travelling by train...

...and the old woman, after looking closely at the young man, leans forward and says "Excuse me, young man, are you Jewish?". And he looks up from the book he is reading and politely replies "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."

A few minutes later the old woman leans forward again and says "Excuse me...

A couple of elders pass away together.

They meet in Paradise. They have a nice three rooms suite in a beautiful hotel with a cute view on the lake.

She has miles and miles of shops with women stuff and befriends a few fine ladies to hang out with.

He goes to a pub, meets nice men to play card with. Beer is fresh and a coupl...

What did the veterinarian diagnose the elderly dog with who couldn’t stop shaking its paws?


(I made this one up so it might need a bit of work)
Alternate version includes a dog with barkinson’s who can’t stop barking lol

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.





Upon answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ”Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going to wrong way on 280! Please be careful!”

Herman Replies, ”It’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of them!”

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

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An elderly man and his elderly wife go to the doctor.

It was just a routine physical for the old man. But due to his old age, the doc required multiple tests.

"I will need a urine sample, stool sample, blood sample, and a semen sample. " The doctor says.

The elderly man was hard of hearing,

"WHAT?" He asks, unable to understand ...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"

The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.

A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.

The doctor prescribes more medi...

They say respect elders. They say respect women.

*_starts dissing little boys at the park_ *

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

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An elderly woman told me "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.", Because I was being a little too rude...

I told her "You get more flies with shit than with honey, so go fuck yourself."

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

Three elderly women were discussing the problems of growing old.

One said: "Sometimes I find myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise and I can't remember if I'm putting it away or making a sandwich."
Another said: "And I can trip on the stairs and not remember if I was walking up or down."
"Oh well I don't have those sort of problems, t...

Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.

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An elderly couple visit the doctor for their check up...

The doctor says to the husband, " I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample."

The husband does not hear well asks several times for the doctor to repeat.

Finally the wife speaks up, "Oh honey, just give him your underwear! "

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

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"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."



Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the ext...

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

A wealthy elderly man is on his honeymoon with his much younger bride

As they're about to consummate the marriage, he starts putting on a condom.

"Oh don't be silly" she remarks, "We shouldn't need to use one of those at your age."

"Oh no, it's not for protection" he says, "I just like the smell of burning rubber."

A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.

“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will d...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.


The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

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“When was that?” God asks.

“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

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Headache & testicles


He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.


The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...



COLD BEER: $5.00
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

An elderly couple are sitting in church,

The wife leans over and whispers "I just cut a silent but deadly, what do I do now?". The husband replies "You need to change the battery in your hearing aid".

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”


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One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

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Elderly couple

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged the...



What's the most popular music amongst the elderly?

Hip pop

An elderly lady went to the doctor to discuss her stubborn husband's erectile dysfunction

Upon explaining the situation to the doctor, he told her to take these little blue pills, slip one in his coffee, and he would be good to go in no time. So later that day, the elderly lady and her husband are having coffee and she slips a pill into his without him noticing. Shortly after, he picks u...

There was an elderly man whose efforts to get his young wife pregnant had failed.



The elderly man came back the next day with an empty specimen cup.

The doctor asked, "What was the problem?"

The elderly man ...

An elderly couple had travelled to Jerusalem.

During their travel to Jerusalem, the wife had suddenly died of heart attack.

The doctor told the husband, "It will cost roughly $100,000 for you to bring your wife back to your own country and hold a funeral there or $100 dollars to hold a funeral here in Jerusalem. Which one do you chose?"<...

An elderly man walks into a bar

The Bartender asks the man to tell him the story about how he became so rich, the man agrees and goes ''I had one orange and I sold it for 5 cents. With those 5 cents I bought another orange and sold him for 6 cents. I repeated that several times before my uncle died and I inherited 10 million''

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A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory

An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor. The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, "Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physi...

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.


St Peter looks at his lis...

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An elderly man and woman live in a nursing home together

An elderly man and woman lived in a nursing home together. The elderly man liked the elderly woman very much. So one day, he asks if they could sit together outside on the benches.

They sat there every day for about 3 weeks. Finally, the elderly man builds up enough nerve to ask the woman if...

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...


"Do I come here often?"

An elderly woman wins the lottery

Edith, 95 years old, a holocaust servivor, one day scoops big on a $250m jackpot.
She is asked on to her local radio station for an interview. She brings along her best friend Betty who was with her in a concentration camp.

When asked by the host what she is going to do with her winnings. ...

An elderly Catholic school teacher was seduced by the priest.

As she got out of his bed and began to get dressed, she said, "I can't face the children next week and tell them to be good, when I'm nothing but a regular sinner!"

"Regular sinner? Sister Catherine, you've only done it once!" said the priest.

"True," she replied, "but we still have th...

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An elderly couple get married

On the wedding night, the bride enters the bedroom wearing her sexiest evening wear.

Be careful with me, she says. I have acute angina.

That's good, the groom responds. Because your tits look like shit

An elderly woman goes to the doctor...

..."I've got a rather strange and embarrassing ailment, doctor" she says.

"I've got such horrible gas - all day long I'm farting - but *it never makes a sound and is completely odorless!* Have you ever heard of such a thing?"

The doc quietly nods and says "Here, take these pills twice ...

It must be hard dating online as an elderly person

You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

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The doctor could not find any explanation for this.




A young Native American boy asks one of the tribe elders: “How children get their names?”

The elder replies:

“When two get married they make love in their teepee and when they are done, they look outside, and the first thing they see will be the child’s name. Why do you ask two dogs humping?”

An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar

As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of “when does life begin”.

The priest said in the Bible it states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.<...


effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of

The man replies, "That would be my...

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower ...

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

An elderly herd of hearing woman goes to the doctor for her annual check up.

As the doctor is listening to her lungs , he says - Big Breaths.

The lady giggles and says - oh young man , you should have seen them when I was young.

An elderly blind man walks into a bar

And a table, and a stool....

I asked a cannibal, "What do elderly people taste like?"

He said "Depends."

An elderly woman

One day an 80 year old woman was sitting outside of her nursing home smoking a cigarette when her 90 year old friend came outside and sat down beside her and lit up a cigarette of her own

They were smoking for a moment when they started to feel rain drops, the 90 year old woman pulled out a c...

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.


While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

I saw someone smoking the other day, nothing makes me happier than seeing the elderly smoke.

This guys was just ancient, gray, and puffing away holding himself up on a walker.

I go, “Man, you're a boss! Smoking, at your age? That’s dedication."

He replied, "What? I'm 28!”

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?


Today at the bank, an elderly lady asked me to help her check her balance

So I pushed her over

An elderly woman goes to the hospital

She tells her doctor "Doctor, I have a very strange problem. I fart continuously, like several times per minute. In fact, I have farted three times since I entered this room, but you probably didn't realize it because my farts are always silent, and have no smell whatsoever. It is still very annoyin...

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane



The elderly gentleman admitted he ha...

An elderly couple are about to have breakfast.

She looks out of the window and says: "Oh what a beautiful summer morning! The sun is shining, the birds are singing! Don't you find it beautiful, Herbert?"

"Yes, darling, beautiful."

"Do you remember the wild 70s, when we used to get naked and sit in the su...

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

An elderly couple died in a car crash



A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on ...

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety ye...

A elderly woman was brought into a nursing home...

...and on that first Sunday afternoon after her arrival, the nurses noticed a bowl of peanuts placed on the counter of the nursing station. The peanuts barely lasted until the end of the shift as everyone enjoyed them.

Sure enough, every Sunday afternoon the bowl was refilled again and again ...

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An elderly woman’s husband passes away.

As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the chapel and down the stairs to the hearse they accidentally bump a pillar. They hear a noise from inside the casket and when they open it up the man springs up. Everyone is shocked but thankfully the man is alive and well.

Ten years pass a...

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An elderly couple is having a dinner with their family.

"This is so wonderful, it really warms my heart," the old lady says.

Her husband replies, "No wonder, your left tit is hanging in your soup."

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"Yes we have, it was easy," re...






My elderly neighbor has grown children.

In her backyard, quite impressive.

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An elderly gentleman

An elderly gentleman goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a younger

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.


'Oh, sorry,...

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Everything checked out fine.



The lady frowned. ”Doctor,...

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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's Sake, Dave. leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Old man and his new Cowboy boots


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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW


How do you get an elderly lady to say f***?

Get another one to say bingo

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How do you get a crowd of elderly people to all yell "FUCK!" at the same time?

Be the first to call out bingo.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...




"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

A very little girl enters a room where her father and elder brother were talking.

"Hi Papa!" the girl says.

"Good morning, Promises." The father replies.

"Papa, why is brother sad?" Promises asks.

"Condoms just found out that I named you two after things that I have broken."


One broken hip later and I’m unemployed.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.


The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

An elderly couple were having late night drinks in a bar.

Wife: I love you so much. Some times I wonder how I would have got through my life without you.

The husband pauses, shocked.

Husband: is that you or the wine talking?

The wife smiled.

Wife: that was me talking..... to the wine!

An elderly woman goes to see her doctor

An elderly woman goes to see her doctor because she's worried about her bowels. After waiting to be seen the doctor brings her back to the examination room and asked for the details of what's bothering her.

"For the last few months I've have a problem with "silent but deadlies," she says. I h...

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

Even the Eldritch elder gods need to relax once in a while.. they crack open a boy with the cold ones.
