Monday, December 06, 2004

The new Star arrived today. Kind of a snooze...the cover reads: "MARRIAGE IN CRISIS!" over a photo of a frightened-looking Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Star boasts that it has an "EXCLUSIVE REPORT" about 1) "Why Jen Won't Have Brad's Baby!" 2) "His Secret Visits With Angelina!" and 3) "Why Brad & Jen Are Hardly Ever Together!"

Flip to the story and the answers are: 1) She wants to have a big movie career before she pushes out little Brad Jrs! 2.) Gasp! Angelina and Brad made a movie together! OMG. 3.) They are both interntaional jet-setting movie stars and their mega-million dollar careers are keeping them apart! I weep with sorrow over their plight!

The most shocking revelation, at least to me, was that they were married in 2000--I seriously thought they had been married FOREVER. Like, since 1946. I guess it just seems that way, from the endless, relentless press scrutiny they have received. Bleh.

What else doth Star offer up before mine eyes? The mandatory Julia Baby Porn. Let's just skip on past that, shall we?

Jessica says that she'd "never CHEAT on Nick!" while holding her dad's creepy hand (I'm assuming).

There's a photo of the Gotti Family Christmas Special, in which Victoria Gotti and her three hideous troll-doll sons decorate a Christmas tree while their faces assume the same look of morose glumness one might associate with people about to be shot by a firing squad. I think it's supposed to be "funny."

Ruben Studdard is having some sort of totally unsurprising "health nightmare." I think it might have something to do with his weight and slightly manic personality, but I didn't actually read it all the way through due to lack of interest.

Demi and Ashton spent a boring Thanksgiving skiing in Idaho as part of what Star calls their "very grown-up relationship." YAWN.

Apparently Coureteney Cox and David Arquette are having troubles in the sack in her post-baby days. Yuck, yuck and double yuck--who would want to have sex with David Arquette EVER? Is Star tring to give me nightmares?

The answer: YES. For in the "Stars Who Are Normal or...NOT NORMAL" section, there is a highly unnecessary photo of Danny Bondaduce's black banana hammock that may haunt me for the rest of my days. (He auctioned off his pants at a charity event.) SHUDDER.

Finally, I am happy to say that the "HEY! Remember Me?" featurette on the last page is about NATALIE FROM THE FACT'S OF LIFE!!! Yay! Ms. Mindy Cohn is now 38 years old, single, and still acting! She looks great! She was nominated for a daytime Emmy for her voice work as Velma on "What's New, Scooby-Doo?"! I am now officially an ancient old lady.

No comments: