

The Onion

LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as "terribly exhausted," famed
linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was
taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist
machine to try and take it easy for once.

"I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning,"
said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to
public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures.
"The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely
Today, I'm just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam

"No fighting against institutional racism, no exposing the legacies
of colonialist ideologies still persistent today, no standing up to the
widespread dissemination of misinformation and state-sanctioned
propaganda," Chomsky added. "Just a nice, cool breeze through an open
window on a warm spring day."

Sources reported that the 81-year-old Chomsky, a vociferous,
longtime critic of U.S. foreign policy and the political economy of the
mass media, was planning to use Monday to tidy up around the house a
bit, take a leisurely walk in the park, and possibly attend an
afternoon showing of Date Night at the local megaplex.

Sitting down to a nice oatmeal breakfast, Chomsky picked up a copy of Time, a deceitful, pro-corporate publication that he said would normally infuriate him.

"Yes, this magazine may be nothing more than a subtle media tool
intended to obfuscate the government's violent agenda with comforting
bromides, but I'm not going to let that get under my skin," Chomsky
said. "I mean, why should I? It's absolutely beautiful outside. I
should just go and enjoy myself and not think about any of this stuff."

Added Chomsky, glancing back over at the periodical, "Even if it is
just another way in which individuals are methodically fed untruths
that slowly shape their perceptions of reality, dulling their ability
to challenge and defy a government bent on carrying out its own selfish
and destructive—no, no Noam, not today, none of that today."

According to sources close to the thinker, Chomsky also considered
taking time to "plop down on the couch in [his] boxers and watch TV,"
but grew suddenly enraged when The Price Is Right came on, commodifying the lie of American consumer satisfaction in a pseudo- entertainment context.

"Just change the channel, just relax and switch to something that
isn't mindless pabulum for the masses," said Chomsky, reaching for the
remote control. "No need to get furious."


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Chomsky, who often defines himself as a libertarian socialist, then
changed the channel to ESPN, taking a moment to acknowledge the role of
professional sports as a "weapon of mass distraction," keeping the
American people occupied with trivial competitions so they do not focus
on opposing the status quo with grassroots movements against foreign
and domestic policies that ultimately harm them.

"Stupid NBA playoffs," Chomsky said. "At least it's better than that
NCAA March Madness crap. A university is supposed to be a center of
learning that questions the state's crafted messaging, not an
entertainment factory."

Sources said Chomsky took what was supposed to be a refreshing drive
in the countryside, only to find himself obsessing over the role
petroleum plays in the economic and military policies that collude with
multinational corporate powers.

After stopping at a roadside McDonald's, Chomsky was unable to enjoy
the Big Mac he purchased, due to the popular restaurant chain's
participation in selling "a bill of goods" to the American people, who
consume the unhealthy fast food and thereby bolster the capitalist
system rather than buying from local farmers in order to equalize the
distribution of wealth and eat more nutritiously.

Chomsky also found the burger to be too salty.

"All right, all right," the noted critic and philosopher said, "I'm
going back home, writing one—just one—reasoned, scathing essay, and
getting it out of my system. But then I'm definitely going back to the
park to walk around and just enjoy the nice weather. I'm serious."

"Because there's got to be more to life than the way that wage
slavery strips the individual of his or her inherent dignity and
personal integrity," Chomsky continued. "Right?"

This was produced by and originally appeared on The Onion.



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