Please help me with my new short story!

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Tyler Anderson
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Please help me with my new short story!

Postby Tyler Anderson » Thu Dec 14, 2006 3:21 pm

Hey guys, I have just finished this short story today while I was sick. It is a working title(and I stress that, I couldn't think up of a creative title) and I would like some feedback and major critique on what you guys think. Here is the story. Please help?
I Was A Teenage Zombie Victim
By: Tyler Anderson
Jenny closed the door tight behind her and fell to the ground. She sat there for a couple more seconds and then went to go get a desk to barricade the door. She pushed the school-desk up to the door and wedged it under the doorknob so it would jam the door. Then she sat down again, tears of terror and exhaustion ran down her face.
There was a loud banging on the door that she had barricaded, and was accompanied by several undistinguishable moans and roars. The crying had a certain quality of pain and slowness to them. It was almost the same sound you make when you lift your sore back out of bed in the morning. The thumping had gone in to an almost rythmatic beat, and the groans started to sound in unison.
Jenny looked at the door fearfully, and moved to the far end of the room. She was in a deserted schoolroom. There was a single chalkboard with drawings of carious algebraic equations. There were also around twenty desks in the room; each one had a chair stacked on top of it. There was also the stray chair that Jenny had knocked off the desk to barricade the door. The door was windowless, so she could not tell how many of them were out there.
These things for what seemed like hours were chasing her. Looking at her watch though, she saw that it was only about forty-five minutes. She put her head down in her arms and started sobbing. There was certainly no escape from them. And no one would come to save her now, she thought. Everyone in the whole school was dead. All of her friends and teachers were gone. She tried to remember what had happened, but found it would not come to her without pain.

Jenny had been in the hallway, going to the library. Then the school intercom came on and she heard the principles voice come on. “Attention students, the administration has decided to issue a Code Yellow. All students are to report back to their classrooms, where we will lock all doors and windows. You are not to be frightened. That is all.” Jenny sighed, this was not the first time it had happened, and usually it was something trivial that caused them to lock down the school. Last time it had been a man who robbed a bank a couple miles down the road. The administration decided to initiate the code, just in case he came to the school. That would be stupid, Jenny’s friend Carol had said. Why would they want to come to the school?
Jenny turned around in the hall, and started going back to class. She got back in a matter of minutes, and went down to her desk. The subject was world history, and the teacher was so boring. The teacher, Mr. Kent, would always ramble on about Julius Cesar or the Cold War. It seemed all he did was talk, not teach. Right now he was looking out the window, opening the shades with two fingers to peer out into the courtyard. He was looking very nervous.
Most of the time, the teachers would receive and email on their computers, letting them know what the situation was. They would not tell the students what was happening until the certain situation was diverted. They did this so the students wouldn’t get all jittery or start to panic. However, most of the students didn’t care anyway.
This time, however, Mr. Kent looked truly scared. His phone emitted a series of three short beeps, letting him know that someone from the main office was trying to contact him. He rushed across the classroom to the phone, and picked it up with trembling fingers. He held a brief conversation with the main office, but Jenny couldn’t make out what they were talking about. All she heard was a series of “Yeah”s and “Uh-Huh”s from Mr. Kent.
Finally, he hung up the phone. He approached the front of the room and said, “Students, the administration has decided to initiate a Code Red.” Mummers rippled through the class. Jenny was curious about why they were shutting down. Mr. Kent cleared his throat and started to speak again, “I will now lead you to the cafeteria, where we will all wait until the situation has been cleared.” More murmurs, this time louder, rippled through the class. Jenny noticed Mr. Kent was sweating.
He then moved to the door and started to motion the students out into the hall. Jenny rose and moved with them. She wondered if the whole student body would fit in the cafeteria. The total number of kids was around two thousand in the whole school. She noticed other classes were emptying and heading to the cafeteria. The hallway was now very crowded with students. The students held varied emotions; looking nervous, exited, or they didn’t care at all. Jenny looked through out the masses until she found her friend, Carol. She called her over with a wave of her hand.
“Hey Jen, what’s up?” she said with a smile. “Hey Carol,” Jenny replied, “Do you know what is going on?” Carol shook her head and said, “No, but Ms. Fritz was looking like she was about to cry. But, you know her, so it’s probly nothing serious.” She was right, Ms. Fritz was very sensitive and fidgety. She was the art teacher. “It’s probly just someone who escaped the jail up in Brownsburg. Remember the last time that happened?” Carol asked. “Of course I do!” Jenny said, and laughed. “Jeremy Dryman set off the sprinklers, and everyone got soaked,” Carol said, giggling.
As they were talking, they approached the cafeteria with the rest of the students in the hallway. The place was packed; the whole student body was trying to squeeze in the cafeteria. When Jenny and Carol got there, the temperature seemed to rise. Once they joined the general hub, five more classes came in, packing them into the crowd. Soon, the rest of the school joined them. The whole cafeteria was filled with teenagers and teachers. Once everyone was there, Principle Hamilton stepped up on one of the tables. She was a short, shrewd old lady, and was known infamously for her unnecessary detentions that she gave out to students.
She quieted everyone with the raise of her hand, and began to speak. “Students, we have a situation. However, not all the details have been told to us, so we cannot really answer your questions. I will try though. Raise your hand if you have a question.” Immediately several hands shot into the air. Principle Hamilton pointed to a boy towards the back. He lowered his hand and said, “What specifically is the threat?” Principle Hamilton said, “It is believed that several convicts have escaped the prison in Brownsburg.” Sighs and sarcastic moans were released from the crowd. Principle Hamilton quieted everyone down again with a raise of her hand. Everyone knew not to mess with her when she had the floor.
She pointed to a girl towards the front with her hand up. “ Are the convicts dangerous at all? What did they do?” Principle Hamilton’s looked at the other teachers, who all standing next to the table, and said, “They are believed to be extremely dangerous. However, I do not know what their crime is.” The students all started to make a loud commotion. Principle Hamilton quieted them again. “Officer John has called in more police officers to help watch the school, but it might be a while until they arrive. Until then, we should be safe in here.” Officer John was the school’s security, even though they never really had many problems in the school that were very serious.
The questions continued to carry on for a little while. Everyone seemed nervous and restless. Except Carol. She yawned and tapped Jenny on the shoulder. “Let’s get out of here,” she said. Jenny looked hesitant. “Oh, C’mon Jen. This is so boring,” Carol said. Jenny looked around, “Won’t they see us if we leave?” Carol smiled, and shrunk to her hands and knees. Jenny laughed, and did the same. They started crawling out of the crowd, going between legs and around tables. No one really noticed, because they were all focused on Principle Hamilton. Those who did see them either looked down and snickered, kicked them playfully, or didn’t care at all. That’s high school.
They crawled through the crowd until they reached the edge. They then stood up, and dashed to the nearest hallway. Once they were away from everyone, they laughed at each other. “We should be secret agents,” Carol said playfully. They continued to laugh, and went into the computer lab room. The room was fairly large, and the walls were lined with long desks supporting computers. In the middle there was an island of desks surrounding the pillars. They also hosted computers. There were two large windows in the room, but the blinds were pulled. They went to the island desks and sat in the wheelie chairs.
Jenny looked at Carol, after they had sat down, and said, “What if they take a role call or something?” Carol shrugged and said, “Relax Jen, I don’t think they will.” Seeing this didn’t assure Jenny, she said, “We probably won’t be in to much trouble, as long as we stay in the school.” Jenny shrugged and rolled in her chair. The two sat in silence for a while, and then Carol said, “Do you think those pepole will actually come to the school?” Jenny shrugged again and continued to spin in the wheelie chair. “I mean, I’m just glad that someone here has a gun.” Jenny stopped and said, “Who has a gun?” Carol laughed at her and said, “Officer John, stupid. And after all, Principle Hamilton said that-.” She stopped dead when she heard a slow knock on the window.
Jenny and Carol slowly turned their chairs toward the window. They waited in silence, just looking at the window. They then heard a slow and muffled moan from the other side. Jenny looked at Carol, who was still looking right at the window. “What is that?” she whispered. Carol turned her eyes to Jenny and said, “I don’t know, but there is something on the other side of the window.” Jenny looked at the window again said, “It could be Tom Cullins, he saw us leaving, and he could just be trying to scare us.” Carol shook her head and said, “I don’t think so.” Jenny looked at Carol again. “One of us should to and check it out,” she said. “Right,” Carol said, “I’ll go.”
She got out of her seat and slowly approached the window. She walked up to it and then looked at Jenny. Jenny nodded and Carol turned back to it. She took hold of the pull chord for the blinds next to the window. She took it in both hands and yanked it open with one motion. She let out a scream as soon as she opened it, and stepped back.
On the other side of the window was what looked to be a dead body. It was standing right up on its legs, like it was still alive. Its hands were pressed against the window, and it turned its head as a dog might when it doesn’t understand. Its face was missing all of its skin, the only thing that covered the bare bone were fragments of grey muscle. It let out a moan, it sounded sad. Then it thrust a hand through the glass, shattering the whole window. Carol let out another scream and took a step back. The thing grabbed in the air until it had Carol’s hair. It pulled her back towards the window. Carol was still screaming and trying to get away from it. Jenny watched the struggle, frozen with fear.
The thing swung its other arm through the window, putting a hand on Carol’s throat. Carol stopped screaming, and her face turned purple. The thing put it’s other hand on her throat. There was a sickening crack as the thing broke Carol’s neck. The thing then easily pulled Carol’s body through the window. Jenny sat horrified as the thing took a huge bite out of her neck, leaving a bleeding mess. Jenny could see that there were several other walking bodies beyond the one that killed Carol. She got up, finally able to move, and ran to the door. She looked back and sobbed in terror and for Carol. The other things were starting to feed on her body, and ever more were coming in through the window. Jenny counted around fifteen.
She ran back down the hall that leaded back to the cafeteria as fast as her legs could take her. I have to tell the others, she thought to herself, even if I get in trouble. They killed Carol and-. She couldn’t even finish the thought. Tears were streaming down her face as she ran down the hall. She could see the end of the hall, but it was quite. Then she heard the commotion of the crowd of students, and slowed down a bit. She got into the cafeteria, and then froze at the entrance.
The commotion she heard was coming from more of the things. The crowd dispatched. There were fewer than five hundred bodies in the cafeteria. They were all dead, or dying. There had to be around a thousand of these things there in the cafeteria. They were feeding off the bodies of those who had been killed. They left the ones who were still alive alone. Principle Hamilton was lying on her back, but she was still alive. Her arms had been torn off, and she was bleeding badly. She looked at Jenny and mouthed ‘Run’. Then her breathing stopped and her eyes glazed over. She was dead.
One of the things moved over to where Principle Hamilton was and started to eat her leg. Then it saw Jenny. She let out a scream and ran back into the hallway. The thing that saw her let out a groan, and started to pursue her. Several others saw what was going on, and started to chase her too. They ran after her, but they were not fast enough to catch up to her. She kept her distance and turned a corner. Standing right in front of her was the group she encountered in the computer lab. The one in front looked to be a young lady when she was alive. She was dressed in a pretty nice black dress, and her hair was tied in a bow behind her head. She could almost pass as living, except her eyes were missing. She let out a moan and swiped at Jenny. She ducked and went up a flight of stairs to her right.
The things chased her even up the stairs, though they had a little bit of difficultly getting up them. One of the things, which were missing a leg, made it halfway up the stairs and lost its balance. It let out a groan and fell back down; knocking over a couple more on it’s way down. There was around twenty of them chasing Jenny.
Jenny ran down the hallway, turning random corners, no longer caring where she was going. She just wanted to get away from those things. She saw someone in the middle of the hallway, and she stopped. “Hey, you! Help please, these things are chasing me and-.” The person turned around and she noticed it was Tom Cullins. “Oh Tom, thank god, we have got to get out of here!” she said as she went up to him. She grabbed him by the hand and started to lead him away with her, but he wouldn’t budge. She turned around and looked at him. “Tom?” she asked. “Tom what is wrong?” She looked at him some more. She noticed there was a finger missing from his other hand. “Oh, God Tom, did one of those things do this to you.” She looked up at him, and noticed that he was looking right back at her.
There was something missing from his eyes. It seemed like he had no feeling in them. Its like he is out of it, Jenny thought. It’s like he is-. She let go of Tom’s hand. Its like he is dead, she thought. She started to back up. Tom stepped forward. She kept backing up. “Go away, Tom. Or whatever you are,” she said. “You’re not Tom anymore.” She turned around and ran. Tom chased after her.
She ran down the hall some more until she came to the algebra hallway. It was a dead end, nowhere else to go but where she came from. She looked out the window at the courtyard. There were so many of them, she thought. They were all spread out, like they came from different places. They all approached the school slowly, looking like they knew they were going to get inside. Like they knew that they would be satisfied with living flesh. She couldn’t see any other people who were alive out there. She knew it wasn’t likely that they wouldn’t stick around here anyway. Then she heard the moans coming from the other end of the hall. Around the corner came a small parade of the things. In the lead was the lady with no eyes. She also saw that Tom was among them. She turned and ran into the nearest room.

Now the pounding on the door was getting worse. She looked up for a minute, and then put her head in her arms again. My god, she thought, Tom is dead and so is Carol. How many more? And what about my parents? Is it just our town, or is this happening everywhere? Is this happening across America? The World?
Her thoughts were interrupted by the intercom. Officer John’s voice came on. “Hello, if there is anyone listing. A group of students and teachers, as well as myself, have fought our way to the main office. Many died, and there is a couple of our peaple that are badly wounded. Principle Hamilton is dead, and so are most of the other teachers. I have the rest with me. Except Kent, I don’t know where he has gone. But if there is anyone left in the school, you need to get out now! I repeat, if there is anyone still left alive in here, you need to get out! And-.” There was a loud crash, and a woman’s scream. Officer John said something that Jenny couldn’t understand, and there were several loud bangs. They sounded like gunshots. Then all was quite, and the intercom went off.
Jenny listened for a while longer. Nothing happened. She then went back to sobbing. The banging at the door continued. She finally got up, and looked around the room for some way to get out. The place was windowless. There were no air-vents either, so she couldn’t crawl up in one. There was no escape. She had locked herself in a deathtrap.
She started to sit down again, when the door bulged a little bit open. Watching again, she saw the door was opening a little with each hit from those things. They are going to come in, she thought. They are going to come in no matter what and I am going to die. There is no arguing it. I can at least give them a run for their money.
She went over to a large storage compartment by the wall that was used to hold math supplies. She opened up the door and looked through things. There was nothing there of use but a pair of scissors and a yardstick. She took both. She held the scissors in her left hand, like a knife. She held the yardstick in her right, like a baseball bat. She then moved in front of the door, standing about five feet from actual doorway. “Alright,” she said to herself, “come and get it.”
The door burst open after a couple more hits, and the things came pouring in. The one with no eyes was in front. She swung the ruler across its head. The yardstick broke, and the thing merely flinched. She then took the scissors and thrust them through one of the empty eye-sockets. There was a loud squishing sound, and the thing fell to the floor in a heap.
She let out a cry of triumph, but then the next thing knocked her over. She struggled while she could, but there were too many of them. The things overwhelmed her, and she found that the things were holding her arms and legs. She gave up trying to fight, but she still screamed. She screamed until one of the things tore out her throat.

The moon shone down on the school. It was completely empty. The only things that remained were patches of blood and various body parts. The bodies of the ones who were killed had all disappeared, as if they had just gotten up and left. The only one that remained was a certain lady in a black dress upstairs, with a pair of scissors sticking out one of her empty sockets. A little before sunset, all the televisions in the school had turned on. Mr. Kent, who had locked himself in the tele-communications room, had tried to make a video broadcast to whoever was left. Of course, by then everyone was dead. Mr. Kent stood on the air for a while, talking to particularly no one. Sometimes he cried, but mostly he just talked. He didn’t see the hand reaching up from behind him. It grabbed him and pulled him back over his seat. The only thing that was recorded after that was his dying screams and the sounds of the thing dinning on him. Then all was quite again. And it would remain that way forever.
"Why don't I ever listen to me?"

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