P-Y-K-N-I-C, by Lbilover

Written for the dictionary.com word of the day 'Pyknic'. Totally ridiculous dialog fic. You are warned!


"Look at me. They could enter me in a cheese rolling contest and I'd win."

"A cheese rolling contest? Well, you are rather pyknic, come to think of it."

"Don't you mean a picnic, Elwood? And Jesus, I'm not that bad, am I?"

"Not picnic, pyknic."


"P-y-k-n-i-c. It means having a round build."

"Well, I sure as fuck have that all right."

"Lucky me."

"What, you enjoy having sex with a cheese?"

"Not just a cheese, but the entire spread, Mr. Pyknic. Come to think of it, you are especially tasty with condiments."

"Oh god, not more mustard on my dick."

"Maybe this time I'll have ketchup on your buns. Or relish."

"You're nuts, you do know that?"

"The nuts are for dessert, covered in whipped cream."

"You are not spraying my balls with Reddi-Whip, Elwood."

"Why not? Think how amazing it will feel when I lick it off."

"I hesitate even to ask where the sprinkles will go."

"I have ideas, Sean. And as for the cherry..."

"You popped that a long time ago."

"Which means there's only one place for it, at the top of Mount Pyknic."

"Anyone overhearing us would conclude that we are obsessed with food and sex."

"And they'd be right. Proper hobbits, we are."

"Do hobbits have Reddi-Whip and maraschino cherries?"

"These hobbits do."