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Tech Support outtakes

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Those of us that have been thrust into the position of providing some form of tech support, be it as a job or simply for a beer, will probably be able to tell some tales that sound like something from saturday night live or the twilight zone.

let's share them here, for the amusement and education of others.

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And I'll lead off.

Scenario: Helpdesk for small company that provides movie theatres with complete networks for reservations, box office, office etc.

Time:  shortly before the rush fopr the evening show sets in.

Caller: I can't get the program to do xxx. (The company in it's infinite wisdom had decided to program the entire system based on MS-Access,  running on win98se boxes, 400MHz at the time. The program more or less hanging itself being a known issue.)

Me: No problem, Hit Start, shut down. the screen should turn off, let me know when.

C: When.

Me: OK turn it back on.

C: Nothings happening.

Me: WTF? Describe to me what you are doing.

C: I'm pressing the button, and the little light turns off and on, but nothing happens.

Me: OK, press it so the light turns on and wait a short while.

C: Nothing.

Me: (getting puzzled) /where/ are you pressing the button? (WTF is she turning off and on?)

C: The one on the box marked SM75.

Me: (uh-oh, that's the monitor.) There should be a largish type beige box under your desk. try turning that on.

C: There's nothing there.

Me: um. Look behind the first box. there are 2 vcables connected to it?

C: Yes.

Me: Follow one, making a note of which one it is.

C: OK, it goes to the outlet.

Me: Very good, follow the other one.

C: This goes to some box under the desk.

Me: very good try turning that box on with the button on the front.

C: It's working now...


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I bet it isnt the company's fault.. it is the high school "consultant" that they hired..

damn those are some stupid people..

I have one.. i wasn't a part but i was a receive of this wonderful tech support..

My dad just got a IBM T43 laptop with wifi... This wifi stuff confuses the hell out of him.. all he know is that it either is working or it isnt.  So one day he was trying to connect to the wifi and couldn't find the damn thing on the selection menu for sp2.  So he called his companies tech support.  Keep in mind this is a fortune 100 company with stuff all over the work. 

So he gets some high school kid who has no idea what the hell he is doing.. So what ends up happening is the kid orders like $1000 worth of parts for my dad brand new laptop.  Stuff like a keyboard, new wifi card, new antenna.. 

When I got home i was of course told that my damn network wasnt working.  At which point i asked him if it was plugged in to the wall and if the router was on?  Of course it wasnt.. something so simple..

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Customer:  I can't connect to the Internet

FallowEarth:  Ok let's check your IP address.  Can you click on start?

Customer:  OK.

FallowEarth:  Can you click on run?

Customer:  (silence) I don't see it.

FallowEarth:  It should be on the bottom right of your start menu (XP).

Customer:  By the time?

FallowEarth:  No.  When you click on start it pulls up a menu.  Run is on the bottom right of that menu.

Customer:  Nope.

FallowEarth:  Nope?

Customer:  Nope.  Nothing happens when I click on start.

FallowEarth:  (stumped, thinks hard)  Click it again. 

Customer:  Nope.

FallowEarth:  Click it a bunch of times.  (listens hard)

Customer:  I'm trying.  (ting, ting, ting)

FallowEarth:  (ting, ting, ting...wtf?!?!)  Are you clicking start with your mouse?

Customer:  (silence)  Oh.  You want me to click start with the mouse?

FallowEarth:  (coming to realize that the customer was tapping the screen with a finger) Can I place you on hold for a moment?  (...while I pull out my shotgun, pop a shell into the chamber, remove the safety, place the ugly end in my mouth, and Kurt Cobain it)  Thank you.

I can't remember where things went from there, but in my line of work such treats are not so uncommon.  I pity the fools...

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Ignorance is Bliss

Bossman: "justin, we have a serious issue with my computer"

JxL: "ok...you have one of the Dell Precision towers, right?"

Bossman: "yes...everything is painfully slow, especially my email. Sometimes it locks up, the outlook window..."

JxL: "i'll be up there in 5 minutes".

--initial investigation confirmed , very very slow general operating tasks &

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LOL!!! My neighbor (complete computer novice) came over to me asking if I could help him set up his computer, right? So, I said Sure! Ok...this computer had literally 128KB ram, so I added 287MB of ram to it. Lookin cool, I took it in his house, plugged it in, got it up.

It worked like a Beauty! This is a DELL from like '94 or '95!!!!!! I couldn't believe it worked at all. I told him what I was going to do, and he aggreed to all of it. I was going to install 2000 Pro (Windows), and I have it on disc. I've only installed an operating system once. This was the second time...I popped in the disc, and hit restart..It comes back up, and starts Win 95! It wouldn't read the disc. Soooo, acting cool, I said, I gotta do something to get it to install 2000. He said "ok". I went through this complete guessing game of what to do, acting like I knew what I was doing the entire time.

Finally, I think about boot order. The computer was reading the HDD first (and finding 95), then the ZIP drive, then the CD drive, by which time 95 had already started up. I, again totally guessing!, went into system setup. VIOLA! There's the boot order setting. I reset it to read the CD first, then the HDD, by which time it had already started 2000 installation.

Slick.  :-P

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Guest helloimtim

My favorite so far is talking to my sis. She had this computer for over 6 months and was on a cable connection. Her computer was getting pretty slow. So she called and I first ask her ok sis what kind of firewall you running......Whats a firewall.......Well ok then how about and anti virus program.......I dont need that I don't open any e-mail........Um....ok.......By this point I did not even bother to ask her about spyware.  I take a trip down to see her. Sit down to her compter to see whats going on.........A few questions she asked........You mean I have to update windows??....Thats stupid.......What do you mean hotbar is spyware..........And my most favorite......You mean just unpluging the computer when im done is not a good idea??  Her computer was so bad it was the only way it would shut off....She whined for over an hour that I had to reformat her computer and start from square one...........But on the bright side she seems to think im some kinda computer genius........Her computer is so much faster now.......God love her she is such a dork........

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IT could be so nice if it werent for the users.

scenario: me and buddy working parttime in IT of medium-sized company. Head of IT is happy to have us around to send after stupid users. he also realizes we are paid merely a pittance so he doesn't mind us goofing off.

learned invaluable things like being able to beat summer heat by taking an old hd and gutting it, attaching a few pc-case slot covers to the platter stack and presto, a fan.

we were supposed to clean printers, among other tasks. purchasing even got around to ordering that toner vacuum we said we'd need to do it.

the thing arrives, and we are kinda bummed out, seeing days of opening old oki pos lasers and giving them another lease on an already too long existence. oh well.

so i open the box, look at the 500 dollar fine particle vacuum (BS) grin at the head of IT and say 'hey, this hose has a hole in it. we need to return it for a replacement'. The head of it takes one look at it, chuckles, and reaches for the phone, calling purchasing. another 8 weeks before we have to find another excuse not to clean printers...

the head of the company has by now realized that we are far too valuable, besides having a perfect record of other things cropping up, to clean printers, so he sends his secretary to IT to fetch printer cleaning equipment for his hp business inkjet. she wanders off with a collection of cotton swabs, wipes and assorted cleaning solutions we scrounged up.

2 hours later we receive a call from the Head office, complaining of a dead inkjet, and if we could see about if it's under warranty.

Well, sorry buddy, but i don't think the warranty covers a thorough cleaning... :evil6:

edit: 6 weeks later, an external company was hired, sending 2 techs at 75 bucks each to sanitize printers. we still had to show them which ones to clean, duh, all of them? but such is life.

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