Thursday, November 5, 2009

Acclimating but Not with Grace

I went out on a walk alone yesterday, once my host (from here on I'll call him my friend or by his nickname Titu) showed me a few places on my itinerary by having a taxi drive past them (he's very thoughtful that way).
Bought two varieties of spiced chai at Tea Centre...had a minor (ok somewhat more than minor) panic attack when I was told at their shop that a significant portion of my money was counterfeit! Out of 1500R they would only accept 1 note.
(long story short, found out later that for whatever reason they said so, this was NOT the case, the bills were fine...)

After leaving the Thomas Cook (foreign exchange) office, I walked to some pret-a-porter womens clothing shops where I purchased 2 kurtas (tunics) in plain earth tone fabrics to match the rest of my wardrobe.
I then wandered past University of Mumbai (fabulous architecture there!) and down one side of the maidan (literally "open field") where cricket matches are held.
I ended up in Colaba in a Indian Navy housing area where schools, a Catholic cathedral and lots of those old Victorian era (for my purposes meaning 1890s-1920s) once glorious mansions are crumbling in the tropical heat.
Great for photography!
I lost some of my fears regarding the people and was able to ask questions and answer people more easily when I was addressed.
I made my way to Leopolds where I had a mango lassi and some jeera pulao (cumin rice) for lunch.
Next, shopping at a few street vendors where I bought some paisley stationery with matching envelopes as well as a fabulous dupatta (type of traditional scarf) that matches my wardrobe.
Made a local pay phone call from a PCO (not sure what it stands for) where you put in a 1R coin for each 30 seconds talk time.
Then, hot and mentally wiped out, I found a taxi near the Taj Hotel and was delivered safely back to Titu's home across town for the grand total of 80R (less than $2).

Today I am a bit fatigued...female issues as well as needing some emotional/mental bounce-back time. I learned that I can do everything I need to do, but it is still a bit of an effort and I need some time to regain my interior fortitude before venturing out again.

Personal space/privacy and being able to live inside my own thoughts & feelings is a major issue for me. I am a quiet private person at my being in a noisy over-crowded busy environment where my time is not really my own is a strain.
I just do not process life like so many other people do!
Conversation, especially with strangers, especially when I feel I'm being judged, is very difficult for me. Trying to relate to others whose thought patterns and social expectations are different is EXHAUSTING.
It's not that I find other people offensive, nor do I want to be anti-social. I just know I am not on the same level, I know I am not going to be understood, and I find having to watch what I say/do instead of just being as I am very draining.
I don't want to make a bad impression, but I can't keep up with certain ways of being/doing that I am expected to adhere to in certain circles!

All in all, things are improving. I do not claim to understand the way people interact here, even those of the same family or social status, let alone between classes/castes.

Which reminds me, I should mention, to give those back in the States or other western countries reading this more perspective, that although legally the caste system is no longer adhered to, it is still very much alive.
One small example:
Titu took me to a nice South Indian restaurant for lunch a few days ago where if it's busy you have to share your table with a stranger. While we were eating, a woman wearing elegant clothing and very nice jewelry came and sat at our table. She was very friendly, but after a few pleasantries she flat out asked him "Where is your family from? What is your caste?" and he answered without hesitation, as if it were the most normal question in the world.

This morning we went into a shop. You know, as westerners we walk into a shop and typically pick up what we like for ourselves and take it to the check-out. This was not an upscale shop, just a walk in bakery/mini grocery. But here, the customer tells the shopkeeper what he wants, then the shopkeeper tells an assistant who goes and retrieves it. We asked for bread, and a loaf was put into my hands. I simply thought it was for me to hold, but learned I was supposed to approve its freshness and then say whether it was acceptable!

So so much to learn! Am I truly up to this task? I hate making blunders! I hate looking like a fool! And yet, surely I can't be expected to know...can I?

Tomorrow, once I have rested and balanced out a bit, I plan to walk through a local shopping district here in Malabar Hill and over to Marine Drive...walk along the sea for a little ways...or maybe have Titu's taxi drop me somewhere along the seafront and walk back most if not all of the way...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Full Overwhelm

Late last evening it really hit me that I am not adjusting very well at all to being here. All the constant stares, even if it is simply curiosity on the locals' part, make me super uncomfortable.
No one smiles, no one looks the least bit friendly. I feel like any minute someone is going to do something bad to me..."bad" being a vague sense that I am not welcome nor entirely safe.
Instead of feeling more comfortable here as days pass, I am feeling more afraid.

Of course, having a bad case of PMS is not helping. So far today I have done more crying than anything else.
Plus, I have caught some kind of sinus/throat infection or cold...coughing, sneezing, runny nose, and in the mornings it hurts so bad I can hardly swallow.

Yesterday my host took me to the Kalbadevi district, a bazaar area of Old Mumbai. If you follow the link you will see a not-very-descriptive overview of the area on wikipedia including a photo from the 1890s.
If you visit my flickr Mumbai set you will see the area as it is today (sample image below).

Besides the oppressive heat (looking for another word which can convey this), the area is virtually incomprehensible to the western mind which has never traveled outside western
People are everywhere and it seems like everyone is in a hurry. If you stop to try to take a photo you literally need to hide behind a car or door to avoid getting run into or pushed aside.
It's difficult to tell what is what, as most signs are in Hindi and many shop keepers (again, even when speaking Hin-glish) were (to me) incomprehensible.

And the smells.
How can I convey this experience to someone sitting in a safe clean quiet room on the other side of the planet?
Humans and animals alike are urinating and, in some corners, defecating on the street. Litter is tossed without a thought onto road/sidewalk...there simply are no trash bins, no dumpsters, no sanitation provisions of ANY sort (and this is true not just for the old town but for the upscale area where I'm staying, as well).
And open air restaurants are located directly on the street amidst it all.

I have lived in poverty trashy one room apartments above bars, in insect infested buildings, etc. None of them even equates to the depths of filth here.

Part of what I am trying to express is a lack of privacy and self-respect...or perhaps, lack of shame. Mumbai takes "you gotta do what you gotta do" to a level I never dreamed possible.
What's worse is seeing the rich sit in their gated guarded buildings bemoaning the plight of the country's poor (right outside their doors) while their servants do even the most menial tasks and go home hungry.
I am not a professional on knowing what the rich can do to help the poor. In my country I AM the poor (I've used every penny to my name for this trip, and even every penny would not have kept a roof over my head in the US w/no guarantee of finding another job). But I do know it is WRONG to sit in your air conditioned safety and say you feel sorry for the man on the street when you do nothing to help.

I am not here to judge or preach and do not want to take that route in my writings, but I do want to provide an accurate observation of the way it is, of the things I am seeing.

There is so much more I wish I could write about accurately.
The day we took the "house boy" (cleaning servant) to the hospital...the conditions there...again, lack of privacy in examination room, the rooms being open to the outdoors, dingy mismatched curtains and antiquated file systems (yellowed notebooks as charts).
It reminded me of a 1940s war type scenario.

Also I know a big part of my issue is that I feel really pressured to adapt faster, better. My host does not seem to understand my inability to simply "get over it" and get out and about on my own. It's like to him, emotional/mental health issues cannot possibly exist. I'm a mature physically healthy what's the problem?

I'm not really sure what to DO. I don't want to be stuck in my room for the next 9 days til I leave for Udaipur.
Maybe once the PMS passes...and once the weather cools a wee bit (even a few degrees will be a welcome change!)...I'll be more capable of facing this challenge.

I'm hoping to be brave enough to go out walking sometime mid-afternoon, today. Hanging Gardens (in reality just a terraced park) is in the neighborhood and I've been told it's a must-see for tourists.

Please continue praying for me, leaving kind encouraging comments, and connecting with me on twitter. Vibes and prayers from afar actually do help!

Edited to add: Important wiki/info on sanitation and water supply in India...this may be urban India's most urgent issue.
What is being done to improve facilities for the common citizen who may not even have a home?

Urgent issues:
*health regulations (if there are any, they surely don't seem to be enforced).
*trash/rubbish/refuse disposal facilities, pick up services, street clean up initiatives are all desperately needed

Pondering if there is any way at all I can get people interested in DOING something about these issues.
Might have to come from volunteer workers sourced from far I have not met any locals who are concerned!

Acclimating is a LONG Process

Acclimating to India is a LONG process. Maybe by the time my trip nears it's end I'll feel like I have somewhat gotten used to being here...if I'm lucky.

Everyone keeps asking if I'm having a good time. How on earth do I respond to that? Best to say I am not having a BAD time.
But so many factors come into play...

*Still not 100% recovered from jet lag, feeling better every day but still tired and sore. In addition, the oppressive heat (96-100F daily) and pollution (inc. noise pollution) are affecting my sinuses, sense of balance, appetite, sleep cycle and more.

*I am not sure I will EVER get used to being stared at so boldly with such a lack of friendliness.
On one hand, I am just trying to ignore it, just not really looking at people and doing my own thing.
On the other hand it is virtually impossible to ignore. You can't even walk in the park or to a high end tourist shop without causing a disruption.

*Language barrier...although many of my host's friends speak very good English, it is still spoken quite rapidly and with a very strong accent. Sometimes (I'm embarrassed to admit) I can't even tell when they are speaking English, especially when they mix Hindi and English phrases!
I have learned several words/phrases in Hindi, but don't have enough connective words to move from 'yes', 'no', 'thank you" and (my greatest achievement) "I would like some______", to actually expressing my own thoughts.

Culture barrier...there is no reference point here.
I can't stress enough how difficult this part is for ME, as I am super sensitive, self-conscious and anxiety ridden even in my own US surroundings at the best of times.
Here, now, even if I understand what's being said as far as the WORDS, the meaning beneath them can be vastly different, so I hesitate to engage in conversation.
More than anything else, this barrier makes me feel like bawling like a baby.
I feel like I cannot make myself understood (besides, most of time, with my host) and also cannot understand what's going on.

Other factors are, I am somewhat reliant on my host when he's off work for deciding a daily schedule. We've been napping in the worst heat every afternoon after lunch, sometimes til almost dusk.
I am trying to keep up with my thoughts and process my experiences here and in my written journal.
I am trying to work on editing and uploading my pics.
Still, my time is NOT fully my own. It would be rude not to dine with my host or chat with his friends and so on.
I suppose starting tomorrow I'll have a better perspective how I'll pass my time when it IS my own, as he'll be going back to work and I'll have most of the daylight hours on my own.
I am planning a few more walks especially in his general neighborhood, and also Marine Drive as well as Nariman Pt. and Ballard Estate (more "touristy" areas insomuch as Mumbai has touristy areas).

Time now to run some shopping...get a cell phone, some salwar kameez (clothing), maybe even buy some BEADS!

Forthcoming: descriptions of a local hospital, the thali lunch we had yesterday, and some typical sights and sounds of the area