Relationship over

Submitted by intriqued on
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She had a wobble at the start of the month, funnily enough two days after my post about
'perfect' sex.

A few weeks ago we took a day off work mid week and had steamy physical sex all day long. I burnt her out and she didn't want to have sex for a few days afterwards. She said her pussy was simply saying no more. She became distant after this day.

As of last week my relationship is over. I see a clear pattern. Around both occasions she had been in the depths of consoling and helping two close girlfriends (in a non sexual way) about the break up or imminent break up off their relationships. She sees the pain that a relationship can bring. We have hot steamy sex. Next she is ending the relationship.

She tells me I've been one of the best things, I've made her feel more beautiful and feminine than ever before, and that she can't imagine not having me in her life. She told me our experience (me going through a reboot and so not having penetrative sex for the first 3+ months of meeting) was like loosing her virginity again. This time in a positive meaningful way. It's changed her attitude to sex and for the first time she sees the importance of trust and caring for the person. It was a healing process for both of us.

But she said she doesn't love me and can't work out how to live within a relationship. She has never had one before. She gave it a shot and 7 months later thinks she is just not capable of giving herself to someone else. Emotional unavailability. Commitment Phobia. To me it seems like low self-esteem; as if she doesn't believe she deserves a fulfilling relationship.

She felt like she was now in the worse of positions. She knows the emptiness of casual meaning sex and yet can't seem to operate within a relationship.

We've never argued, never had a bad day together, always laughed, joked, played, challenged, flirted. We get on so well, and operated a policy of total honesty. We shared so much. We trust so much. She told me she couldn't imagine me not in her life. She still wants to be lovers. The sex was the best of her life. It's up to me if that happens.

We agreed to cut contact for a month. I really don't know how I feel. Something so good that doesn't work. My male logical mind struggles. Can I be friends? I fear not. I don't want her to be my friend. I want her to be my girlfriend. And I'm certainly not her sex toy.

From my readings here I knew about the fallout from orgasmic sex yet I didn't take it too seriously. I hadn't had sex for a long time (porn addiction) before meeting her so I was keen to catch up. Using the pull out method I never had an orgasm through intercourse, only oral sex. Initially I would have sex without orgasm, although towards the end that was uncommon. I'm wondering whether changes to our sex lives could solve the relationship problem.

A little of me has felt a weight lifted since the break-up. I feel quite alive and the feeling of having complete freedom again is strong. Maybe I really am not in a place to be in a relationship. Maybe her womanly insights allowed her to realise what I am now just grasping.

Should I be fighting for this? A lot of thinking and connecting with myself will take place over the next month. I've been masturbating regularly and my interactions with girls last night felt very testosterone and anger filled. I have decided to abstain from masturbation once again. A copy of Cupid's poisoned arrows will be hitting her front door.


Should I be fighting for this

[quote=emerson]Something intuitively from your writing suggests yes.[/quote]

It's a tricky one. I fought the first time and told her to go and think for a few days. She was not acting like herself and I wanted her to make a decision when she was thinking clearly. This time she was totally calm and rational. Because of this I didn't question or challenge her.

Is the fight for someone with personal relationship issues a lost battle? Those changes and that growth surely need to come from within. Sadly I don't see it being a quick fix for her. There is only so much I can give when things are not balanced. Perhaps my time is better spent finding someone else.

Give her a couple of weeks

and try not to masturbate. Then see where you both are.

Wearing out pussies is counterproductive. Think about it. Wouldn't your subconscious defensiveness come up despite your best intentions if someone were pounding a delicate part of you to the point of several days of discomfort? Too much can also lead to chronic yeast infections and urinary tract infections when we don't listen to our bodies.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear of this development, but very proud of you for your progress on so many fronts.

I thought you said you did eventually have orgasm during sex. Isn't this from one of your blogs?

It was great to see her and have her back in my arms. Straight to the bedroom, undressing as we talked, laughed, catching up. I love how natural, comfortable, and laid back we are together. She told me she had abstained from masturbation for the whole two weeks. That's very unlike her. She said she was inspired by my reboot effort.

Her body was alive. It was almost like she was having sex for the first time. She was so sensitive and almost a little nervous. It was really cute. We had sex once and both collapse into a panting heap. Then again 30 minutes later. I had two O's. I was 100% hard throughout. What is odd though is that I had an erection about 5 minutes after I ejaculated. Usually that's me done for a few hours. We went to watch a film. Then came back and had sex again. I didn't O this time (long session). Altogether this was the best sex of my life.

I've now got to the point where I am no longer thinking about ED. I used to have this dialogue running in my head "Am I hard yet?", "Am I going to have a problem", "Ahh no she's going down on me, but I'm not going to be able to get hard". This has now disappeared. It seemed to take me a while to break through the backlog of negative experiences in my mind. Yesterday I was completely immersed and in control. No worries, no doubts. Just enjoying the experience. Amazing.

Marnia wrote:

[quote=Marnia]I thought you said you did eventually have orgasm during sex. Isn't this from one of your blogs?[/quote]

Right. I never ejaculated inside her. I would have sex (penetrative) and then stop or switch to oral to orgasm. Because we were using the pull out method it's was as if I trained myself to not orgasm during penetrative sex. This meant I could have sex for far longer and sometimes just enjoyed being still but inside of her.

I really wish I would of brought up my worries about the amount and style of sex we were having. I guess there was a disconnect between seeing her have so much pleasure and a potential future fallout. Every time we had sex I felt closer to her although my sex drive was increasing which was making it hard to concentrate at work. A week apart from her and I was like a wild animal. I needed to masturbate daily (although no porn) to remove the tension.

Our sex life definitely got more aggressive, peaking with a rape fantasy that she requested. I was confused and felt very odd after doing it but she said it made her feel at her most feminine. 100% submission called for a vast amount of trust. I've never felt someone hold me so tightly afterwards. It was very emotion filled.

I can't point to our style of sex as the cause of this break up but I keep coming back to the question when everything was so great why did it end? People commonly breakup because they are no longer attracted to each other, or they dislike a part of the person, they argue, or the trust has broken down. External reasons. All of her's were internal which makes it harder for me.

[quote=Marnia]Anyway, I'm sorry to hear of this development, but very proud of you for your progress on so many fronts.[/quote]

Thanks Marnia. You've been a godsend throughout this period of my life :)

this type of sex

is fun for the moment but causes a lot of longer term bad feelings, in my experience. I brought S&M themes into our lovemaking and never realized what fallout this creates.

Sometimes something that seems bad is actually a blessing, maybe.

If you can maintain having sex and not having orgasm, you are on the way to a tremendous change for the better. But you have to be sold on this first. It has so left conventional sex in the dust for me that I don't care if I never have another orgasm. I never thought I'd have feelings like this ever and never did in my whole life.

Don't know if that's how it will be or could be for you, but I'd think on it.


I think most people break up due to the perception shift caused by hot sex. We keep seeking that next peak...until something in our brain snaps and wants to bolt...or wants novelty in the form of a new partner instead of hotter sex.

Unfortunately, it's really tough to learn then when the heat registers as so "valuable" and relationships seem expendable because we figure we'll just find someone else.

Anyway, if you want to know what happens in your brain that drives partners apart, read our book. I think you will see the pattern...having just lived it. It makes me sad to see people throw relationships away like used tissues just because they didn't realize they were burning up their brain's receptors. Wink

*big hug*