JIM'S BIG EGO: unpop for the unpopulous!

Fake News


A lot of people might be wondering why Jim's Big Ego suddenly cares so much about their cholesterol.  We don't mind, it's natural for normal people to hold such a healthy band in awe.  Oddly enough, as Jim Infantino, lead singer/songwriter and of a very healthy band explains, the idea first came about from that tv commercial.  Y'know, the one where they guy's walking around talking about how he's lowered his cholesterol?  Man, that commercial's annoying, isn't it?  Not as annoying as that 'can you hear me now' asshole, but still pretty annoying.  The band was sitting around *censored*ing the guy out and then we realized that we truly hated that person.  Hated him with a passion.  A passion strong enough that we wanted to see him die.  But it would be hard to see the man die because he's so *censored*in' healthy.  I mean, sure, maybe they'd get lucky and he'd be so busy talking about his cholesterol that he wouldn't pay attention and get run over by a bus, but that'd be a pretty risky chance to take.  That was the point when the band realized that they all had to become just as healthy as that jerk on the tv, so that they could live long enough to see him die.
Some people may think that it's unnecessarily cruel and petty for the band to improve their own health just to live long enough to witness the death of another, but as far as Jim's Big Ego is concerned, those people can all go to hell.  And the band will probably live long enough to see it.  Because they've managed to collectively drop their cholesterol counts by over 200 points.  Which is practically a record breaking feat.  In fact, many medical journals have contacted lead singer and songwriter Jim Infantino to find out how the band accomplished the radical cholesterol reduction.  'I get calls from doctors all the time asking how we did it and if there's any diet or magical potion we want to sell.  Frankly I don't think all those people are real doctors.  Especially the ones asking about the magical potions.  You'd think those guys would at least come up with something medical sounding, like mystic serum or something.  I mean, it's not hard, y'know?  Just watch an episode of ER.'
Fake phone calls aside, Infantino is happy to share the secret of the band's tremendous cholesterol reduction.  'We kicked out the fat guy.  Too bad, too, 'cause he was really talented.  But that's what living a healthy lifestyle is about - setting priorities.  And living long enough to witness the deaths of the people you hate.
•Mister R.G., Minister of Propoganda, BigEgo Enterprises, Saint Paul, MN.

updated: 15 years ago