BoD Hell in a Cell

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show, GM Bayless apologizes to Night81 & DBSM and says that the C-List title match will happen next week on BoD RAW. DBSM leaves with his posse of Mark Linn-Baker, the guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters” and the less talented brother of Horace Grant, Harvey. The GM also announces that a Tag Team Tournament will start on BoD RAW next week and that draws a lud “HUSS” chant from the HUSS Section.

Job Mob vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & Cabspaintedyellow

Zanatude comes to the ring with all three of the Six-Man Tag Team Titles. He then dumps them on the table of timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, knocking over some of his Timekeeper Awards. That desk is covered with more awards from Canada, Germany, Austria, and Guatemala! Back to the action as the Job Mob are attacked by the trio that they have harassed for weeks, Chartock gets tossed to the floor as they are about to it Zanatude with a triple powerbomb but he is able to escape to the floor after Murph yanks him off. The Job Mob regroups but as that happens, Warne and Cabs take them out with stereo planchas. Curry opts to slide out and goes right after Murph. He is hammering away as the Job Mob is in trouble. Chartock is in the ring with Warne and Cabs and he is getting double-teamed. Zanatude grabs one of his title belts then crouches down behind the apron. He pulls out the leg from underneath Warne. Cabs comes over and pulls him up by the hair then Zanatude whacks him with the belt. Murph and Curry are brawling outside but Murph stops that after hitting Curry low with Mister E Mahn’s “Floridian Timekeeper Associations Lifetime Achievement Award.” Mister E Mahn wants that back on his crowded table. In the ring, Chartock and Zanatude are taking care of business as Murph joins in on the 3-on-1 attack. The match settles down as the Job Mob are taking care of business. Cabs is getting destroyed in the opposing corner as the Job Mob are making quick tags and distracting the ref to sneak in illegal moves too. Murph hits Cabs with a uranage and gets two with that. Zanatude tags and head up top but Cabs rolls away from a top rope leg drop. Cabs tries to crawl to his corner but Murph and Chartock run over and knock off the former Tag Champs off of the apron. The ref orders them back as Zanatude picks up Cabs but he floats over. Cabs ducks a clothesline and comes back with a leg lariat as both men are down again. Chartock runs in but Cabs somersaults past him and makes the tag to Curry. He comes in and takes down Chartock with a clothesline then flies across the ring and knocks Murph through the ropes with a flying forearm. Zanatude grabs another belt and heads to the ring but Warne spears him down. Chartock charges and Cabs backdrops him over the ropes and onto Murph as they are down. Cabs and Warne place Zanatude on the top rope as Curry climbs the turnbuckle across from him. Cabs and Warne take down Zanatude with a double superplex as Curry flies off of the rope with a 5-Star Frog Splash and covers for the win! The Job Mob has gone down in defeat. Zanatude clutches his own title belts as he yells at the crowd that he is still the champion. Those belts are not official, Zanatude. 
Double or Nothing Match
Tommy Hall vs. Andy PG

If Hall wins, he gets his back his last paycheck. If he loses, he gives Andy another paycheck. Hall, who is having his own hard times, is now reduced to sporting a generic Russell Athletic #32 jersey and writing in “Butts” on the back to honor the legendary Marion Butts. C’mon Tommy, that is not even the correct color scheme. They lock up and Andy backs Tommy against the ropes. Andy sends Tommy in the corner and comes back with a dropkick. Tommy charges but Andy takes him down and covers for two as Tommy ducks outside. I think the malnourishment is kicking in as Tommy’s Panera Bread rewards card has been absent of rewards due to not being able to afford to eat at the establishment. Back in the ring, Tommy gets taken down with a drop toehold as Andy then works the arm. Tommy makes it to the ropes as Andy breaks the hold. Tommy tries a sneak attack but Andy goes back on offense. Andy goes for a crossbody but Tommy ducks down and pulls on the ropes as Andy splats on the floor. Tommy goes out and stomps on Andy before rolling him back inside. Inverted DDT gets two. STO gets two. Tommy catches Andy with a shoulder block and now has him in a Camel’s Clutch. Andy gets out but Tommy pushes him down and drops an elbow. He drags Andy to the corner and sets up for the Vader Bomb. Tommy attempts the move but Andy got his knees up as both men are down. Tommy is up first but Andy slugs him down then runs across the ring and hits him with a Shining Wizard and gets the win! Oh man, Tommy will have to give up another paycheck. A distraught Tommy leaves the ring and walks up the ramp with his head down in shame. 
Falls Count Anywhere Match
Parallax vs. Cultstatus

These guys highly dislike each other. You can even call it hate. They start on the stage as they are exchanging punches. They take it down near the concession stands as they leave a path of destruction behind them. Cult grabs a backpack after knocking down Parallax and starts filling it with all sorts of merchandise. He zips it up as it is all filled with merch and swings but misses. Parallax ducked and attacks Cult with a knee smash. Cult comes back and throws down Parallax. He grabs the backpack and now connects as he whacks Parallax in the leg. Cult picks up Parallax and rams him into the wall. He drags Parallax into the stands and now tosses him over the guardrail. He sends Parallax into the guardrail and drags him over to the announcer’s table. Cult stands up on the table as he sets up for a piledriver but Parallax reverses it and backdrops Cult, who cracks his head off of the edge of the table. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! The medical staff rush down to check on Cult as his head is bleeding profusely. Cult refuses treatment as he is wobbly but demands that he wrestle in this match. Parallax runs over and drops Cult with a side kick as he takes control of the match. The medical staff retreat as Parallax is punching the back of Cult’s head. Parallax is relentlessly targeting the head of Cult, which will also help when he hits his finisher, the dreaded curbstomp. Parallax takes a chair and cracks Cult over the head. He covers but Cult kicks out. He might not even know where he is right now but he still had enough strength to kick out. Parallax keeps hitting Cult in the head but can’t put him away. Parallax goes up top and tries a missile dropkick but Cult brushes that away. Cult somehow has regained enough strength to mount a comeback. Cult comes back and hits a side slam. Cult sends Parallax into the ropes and connects with the big boot. Cult now goes for the jackknife powerbomb but Parallax blocks that and starts punching Cult in the head until he falls down. Parallax hits a running knee smash then goes for the curb stomp but Cult moves away. Cult clotheslines Parallax and starts another comeback. Cult charges but Parallax boots him in the face. Parallax grabs a chair from the mat and whacks Cult in the head then goes for the curb stomp and gets the win. How on earth did Cult manage to fight for that long? He better get to a hospital ASAP. 

Hart Killer 09 vs. Kaptain Kiwi

Folks, Kaptain Kiwi has had the worst year ever. He started off ranked #13 and is now out of the ranking system altogether. He also had to change his name and by the grace of Sir Tony Garea of Auckland, he received wonderful training and will prepare to win a match for a future title shot. Hart Killer is wearing his favorite “real wrestlers do not draw caricatures” t-shirt as he yells at the fans in the greatest way humanly possible. The match starts with the guys trading stuff on the mat. Hart Killer mockingly claps of Kiwi, who has that signature Garea stoneface dialed up to eleven right now. Hart Killer whips Kiwi but he ducks and comes back with a crossbody block! Hart Killer gets up and Kiwi uses a JUMPING SIDE HEADLOCK TAKEOVER! How many kilometers was Kiwi in the air? Another jumping side headlock takeover as Hart Killer takes a breather as he was nearly murdered with that lethal offense. Kiwi is looking for the win that will get him a future title shot at Hart’s BoD Solid B+ Player Championship. Hart Killer is back inside as Kiwi puts on the dreaded abdominal stretch! Hart Killer escapes death by grabbing the ropes. Kiwi charges but Hart Killer rams him in the corner and Kiwi is down. Hart Killer covers but Kiwi just kicks out. Hart Killer works on the leg of Kiwi and locks on the Sharpshooter Texas Cloverleaf! Kiwi is in agony as Hart Killer wrenches to apply more pressure. Kiwi looks to be on the verge of tapping now. He reaches back inside and thinks how bad his year has been. BY GAWD KIWI IS POWERING OUT!!!!!!! Kiwi gets out of the hold. He tries a back suplex but Hart Killer floats over. Hart Killer tries his own back suplex but Kiwi floats over on that move and surprises Hart Killer with a reverse rollup and gets the win!!!!!!!! BY GAWD, KIWI GOT A WIN!!!!!!!!! And Kaptain Kiwi will go on to receive a future title shot.

Backstage, Magoonie is backstage with Nick Piers, who is on crutches. Steve Ferrari walks into the locker room. They ask him why he wasnt at the rent-a-car counter to chip in for the Yaris. Ferrari said that he got a ride by using his Uber account as he was busy filming a segment on the 2nd Annual Utica University shuffleboard tournament for a local basic cable affiliate. The other midcarders seem miffed as Ferrari puts down his stuff and heads to the ring for their match. 

BoD Tag Team Title Match
Midcard Mafia vs. Upper Midcard Express (Champions)

The National Guard surround the ring as Petuka promised to launch a Petuka Bazooka tonight. Ferrari tells Magoonie that he will start off the match. Ferrari takes down kbjone as the match gets underway. Ferrari tags Magoonie and they hit a double gutbuster on kbjone. Magoonie runs over and knocks Petuka off of the apron then beats down kbjone. Ferrari tags and they maintain control of the match. Piers cheers on his fellow midcard talent as Magoonie tags and works the arm. kbjone grabs Magoonie by the hair and to his corner as Petuka tags. Petuka beats down Magoonie and chokes him out with his foot. Ferrari tries to break it up but the ref orders him back to the ring and that allows the UMX to cheat. Piers screams at the referee who turns and sees Petuka hit Magoonie with a knee smash. kbjone tags and hits a few suplexes. He cant put Magoonie away so he decides to toss him outside. Petuka distracts the ref as kbjone tries to hit Magoonie with his helmet but Piers hobbles over and threatens him with a crutch. Back inside, Petuka tags in and puts Magoonie in a surfboard. The crowd rallies behind the injured and much less frequently seen midcard guy. kbjone tags in and sends Magoonie into the ropes but he slides underneath his legs and takes kbjone down with an enziguiri. The crowd rallies behind Magoonie as he goes over to his corner and MAKES THE TAG. The Prince of Public Access comes in and knocks around the UMX! He uses slams and dropkicks to take them both out. He tosses kbjone to the floor and now goes over to Petuka and attempts a piledriver but Petuka escapes. kbjone grabs Ferrari by the leg but Magoonie runs in and takes him down with a baseball slide. He goes outside and deals with him as Ferrari heads over to see Petuka. He drops him with a lariat. Outside, kbjone dodges an attack then whacks Magoonie with his football helmet. kbjone has the helmet but Piers comes over again with his crutches and threatens to hit kbjone, who turns to walk away but comes back to attack him. However, Piers was ready and saw him. He knocks out the helmet from his hand as Ferrari catches Petuka coming off of the top with a powerslam! Ferrari goes to cover for the belts but the ref sees Piers whack kbjone with his crutch and rings for the bell. Wow, Ferrari seemed to have the win there but the ref ruled the match a DQ. The UMX get in their golf cart for a victory lap as the Midcard Mafia look displeased. 

BoD Writer’s Championship
“Marvelous” Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle vs. Stranger in the Alps (Champions)

Before the match, Stranger put in his special contact lenses. White Coat Security protects Stranger from all of the old ladies trying to mob him. Lay off him grandma, he is married. Perri and Miss Danielle appear very confident that they will win the Paper Championship tonight. Stranger goes after Perri, who ducks outside. The crowd boos as Perri continues to stall. Perri comes back in and uses the ref as a shield so he can cheapshot. Perri stays on the attack as he hits a back elbow smash. Stranger ducks a clothesline and fires away. He catches Perri with a press slam as the crowd is on it’s feet, even the old ladies! Perri begs for mercy but Stranger drags him in the middle of the ring and goes for the can opener but Perri is able to scurry outside. Stranger goes after Perri and chases him around but Miss Danielle gets in the way. Stranger stops as he is a gentleman first but that allows Perri to attack him from behind. Perri rolls Stranger back inside and targets his ribs. Perri hits a gutbuster for two then starts to stomp away. Stranger tries to fight back but Perri stops it short with a knee to the chest. Perri heads up top and tries the double axe handle but Stranger hits him in midair as both men are down. The crowd heats up as each man stands and starts to brawl. Stranger is winning this battle until Perri uses a thumb to the eye. He tries for an Irish whip but it is reversed and he sends Perri into the referee who crashes down. Stranger checks on the ref but Perri tosses him to the floor. Miss Danielle runs over with the Paper championship. Stranger yanks it back away from her after tossing Perri down but now Miss Danielle jumps on top of him. Perri gets up and yanks the paper championship away then lunges at Stranger and the corner of the paper belt hits Stranger in the eye! THAT RIPPED HIS CONTACT LENS. Stranger holds his eye and is in agony. Perri roll Stranger into the ring and heads up top to drop the elbow and covers as Miss Danielle woke up the referee and he counts to three as we have a new BoD Writer’s Champion. WHAT A DISGRACE. Stranger is holding his eye as the trainers run out to see if he is okay. 

Hell in a Cell Match
Jef Vinson vs. GM Bayless

This match has been months in the making. The cage is locked and the competitors are inside. Vinson heads over and runs at Bayless and starts hammering away! He now grinds the head of the GM into the steel as he is going all out tonight. Vinson rams Bayless into the cage again as he busts him open. Vinson locks the GM’s arms then drives him forward into the cage with a leg sweep as the GM is helpless. BoD lackeys Rockstar Gary, Average Joe Everyman, Garth Holmberg and Bill Ray run out with bolt cutters as they look worried. Vinson slams Bayless then props him up in the corner so he can deliver an uppercut that sends the GM down. Oh man, the GM is getting destroyed. Bayless is helpless as his lackeys attempt to break into the cell but Vinson does them one better and starts kicking the door down and yells at the ref for the key. He reluctantly gives the key to Vinson, who opens the door and waves in the Administration. They are shocked as Vinson seems to be wanting to take on everyone tonight. They back off as Vinson heads back in the ring. Bayless welcomes him with a low blow and now finally starts to get in some offense. The rest of the Administration come in but the GM waves him off as he is on the attack. The GM brutalizes Vinson by grinding his head into the cage. Bayless hits a DDT and that only gets two. Bayless heads outside of the ring and tries to piledrive Vinson but that fails and he gets backdropped. The referee locks the cage this time but I do not see Holmberg with the rest of the lackeys? He must be under the ring! The GM always cheats, folks. Vinson and the GM slug it out as their faces are covered in blood. Bayless rolls back inside but Vinson yanks him out and drops him on the floor with a wheelbarrow slam. Vinson gets up but a pair of arms reach out from underneath and trips him up. Vinson peeks under the ring and that allows the GM to attack. He pulls out a pair of brass knux after rolling Vinson inside the ring. He appears to fumble then as that gives Vinson enough time to hit him with a clothesline. Bayless appears to have regained the knux as he yells “now” repeatedly. All of a sudden, someone appears to crawl out of the ring and it is Holmberg! Dammit, the GM is going to cheat again. Wait a minute, the GM is yelling at Holmberg and he is unresponsive. He slides out after hitting Vinson with the knux and turns over Holmberg, who is covered in blood! The GM is pale as a ghost as he heads back into the ring. He goes to cover Vinson but from underneath a ring comes ARCHIE STACKHOUSE!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is covered in blood and casually tossing Nebb28’s Pet Rock in the air as the GM appears frozen. The other lackeys are frantically trying to open the cage but the GM is paralyzed with fear. Vinson gets up and regains himself as the GM turns around. Vinson decks him with a hook then hits the TKO. He covers and it is ONE………….TWO………………….THREE!!!!!!! Vinson beats the GM again. The lackeys get in the cage but it was too late. Still, they charge at Stackhouse as he beats them off. Bill Ray tries to steal the pet rock but fails as he scurries away. One thing is clear, the GM is scared of Archie Stackhouse. 
Hell in a Cell Match
BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
The Fuj vs. Jobber123 (Champion)

The Fuj has been waiting for this match. The start by going back and forth until Fuj gets the advantage. He lays into Jobber then starts to go to work on the leg. His finisher, The Fuji Vice ankle lock, is one of the most dreaded in the BoD. Fuj uses more mat-based moves on Jobber to target the leg. Jobber may or may not still be strung out on cocaine from this weekend but at least he shows up unlike some weekend warrior pussy. Anyway, Jobber breaks free and gets in control after a forearm to the face. Jobber stays on the attack after attacking Fuj in the corner. Jobber misses a corner splash and Fuj drops him with a reverse neckbreaker off of the rebound and that gets two. Fuj goes back to the leg but Jobber slithers away. Fuj stomps Jobber then hits a gordbuster. Fuj gets to the second rope and drops an elbow as that gets two. The Job Mob come down to the ring now as they apparently have a key to get into the cage. THAT FUCKING GM. They open up the cage as Fuj is in control. Fuj hits Jobber with the Downward Spiral as the Job Mob have busted through the cage. Chartock runs in but Fuj boots him down to the mat. Zanatude tries to attack and that fails as Fuj hits an elbow smash then he has a staredown with Murph that lasts long enough for Jobber to attack Fuj from behind. Jobber hits a backbreaker and softens up the Fuj for his Razor’s Edge finisher. The Job Mob come in and they hold up Fuj for Jobber as he slaps Fuj in the face. Jobber drops the Fuj then sends him into the corner as the Mob try a cannonball spot but that fails as Fuj dodges the attack then catches both Zanatude and Chartock with a spear as Murph is down. Jobber is in disbelief as he cannot put away the Fuj with this large advantage. Jobber and Fuj slug it out as fuj wins that battle. He takes down Jobber and locks on the Fuji Vice!!! Murph is up and runs in but Fuj breaks and clotheslines a charging Murph and spins back around to put Jobber back in the hold. Chartock tries to break it up but Fuj attacks him and tosses him through the ropes. Fuj then climbs up and takes Zanatude off of the top with a superplex!!!!! The crowd is going nuts as Fuj as Jobber alone in the ring. Fuj goes again for the hold and has it on but Murph comes in with a chair to break it up. Fuj is down as the numbers game has caught up. The Job Mob beat up the Fuj and Jobber hits the Razor’s Edge. He covers BUT THE FUJ KICKS OUT!!!!!!! Holy shit! Jobber is outraged as he goes back to attack Fuj who fights right back. Fuj is like a cyclone out there as he attacks everyone. Fuj goes after Jobber and takes him down but the Job Mob catches up as Zanatude whacks him with a chair and Jobber picks him up and hits another Razor’s Edge and this time it gets the win. The champ retains and needed a 3-man advantage to do so. 

The SmarK Rant for WWE Hell In A Cell 2014

The SmarK Rant for WWE Hell in a Cell 2014 Live from Dallas, TX Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL Intercontinental title: Dolph Ziggler v. Cesaro Roku immediately pisses me off by repeatedly picking up the show halfway in, even though I asked for “from the beginning”. Thankfully switching to the Xbox One fixed the problem, although the show just picks up from Ziggler’s entrance without any fancy graphics or intro. Turns out that was another problem with the stream, as it crashed back to the WWE Network interface after this match and when I restarted, I got the full intro. On the bright side, I unlocked an achievement (“Time Traveller”) for fast-forwarding through the match the second time! Cesaro has now given up the dream of having hair and is rocking the bald look. Now if he shaves the beard into a goatee he might have something there. Cesaro works the headlock to start, but Ziggler gets a backslide for two and they do a pinfall exchange sequence before Cesaro tries a Giant Swing. Ziggler reverses into a small package for two, but a second Swing succeeds and gets two, before Ziggler reverses for the first fall at 3:38. Cesaro immediately double-stomps him and hits a running forearm in the corner for two. Middle rope elbow misses, but he slugs Ziggler down and goes to a chinlock. Dolph fights out with an armbreaker, but Cesaro double-stomps him for two and follows with a nice powerbomb for two. Ziggler bails and comes back in with a weird wristlock submission out of a suplex attempt, but Cesaro breaks in the corner. And then he deadlifts Ziggler into a superplex for two. That was a very cool sequence of stuff, very different from what you see typically. Cesaro charges and hits the corner, and Ziggler hits the fameasser for two. Zig Zag is reversed into the Swiss Death forearm for two, but Ziggler cradles for two. Another Zig Zag is reversed into a backbreaker, but Ziggler goes to the arm and superkicks him into the Zig Zag for two straight falls at 12:20. So yeah, the lesson here is “don’t do an interview where you bitch about the main eventers having 500 straight matches” because this is what happens. Good and different type of match, but only 12 minutes for a 2/3 falls match? Why even bother? ***1/4 Meanwhile, I get a commercial for the WWE Network…on the WWE Network. And again the announcers call everyone watching on PPV idiots for doing so. Meanwhile, the Authority wants Orton to channel his anger into John Cena rather than worrying about Seth Rollins. Nikki Bella v. Brie Bella Brie gets a rollup for two and a backslide for two as Lawler calls it the “ultimate sibling rivalry in WWE”. COME ON. Nikki gets a knee to the head for two as the crowd decides to turn on the match now and starts chanting for JBL. Brie with a carpet muncher for two. Brie with a running knee and Nikki bails to escape, but Brie follows with a suicide dive where Brie literally misses so badly that she lands headfirst on Nikki’s knee instead. Back in, Brie with a missile dropkick, but Nikki hits the torture rack drop for two. Brie then wraps her up in the Yes-Lock, but Nikki makes the ropes. And another Rack Attack finishes at 6:20. Oh no, now Brie has to be her assistant for 30 days or get fired. You know, like she was already fired earlier this year. They tried, I guess, but it was like watching a couple of backyard wrestlers imitate what they see on TV thanks to Brie still being awful. *1/2 Meanwhile, Booker T declares the previous match the “shucky ducky quack quack moment” of the show thus far, and indeed after only two matches I can’t think of a match presented on this show that better fits the description of shucky ducky quack quack. As Dusty Rhodes used to say, sometimes you just say “wubba”, ya know? WWE tag titles: Goldust & Stardust v. The Usos The Usos double-team Stardust and Jey throws chops on Goldust, but Jimmy gets caught in the Dust corner and they work on his knee. Goldust with a chinlock and Jimmy fights out of that, but Goldust gets a powerslam for two. Stardust chokes him out for two while JBL reverts back to stories about 1982 World Class again. You what would be legitimately awesome? If Michael Cole then said “By the way, if you want to see what JBL is rambling about, World Class is available on demand RIGHT HERE ON THE NETWORK!” They could even do like YouTube and have a little annotation box where you can just click on the Missing Link and watch his match from WCCW. But no one ever thinks to do that. Jimmy finally dumps Goldust and makes the hot tag to Jey, who follows with a dive onto Goldust. And one for Stardust as well. Back in, cross body gets two. Corner splash gets two. Goldust comes back with a spinebuster for two as Jimmy has seemingly disappeared. Jey with a superkick for two and they head up as Jimmy finally emerges from the hyperspace where Optimus Prime’s trailer goes, and we get a stereo superplex. Flying splash on Goldust gets two and it’s now breaking loose in Tulsa, but Stardust clips an Uso behind the ref’s back and Goldust finishes with the Curtain Call at 10:18. Never really got into a groove and the whole weird sequence with Goldust and Jey near the end kind of killed the momentum. **1/2 Meanwhile, breast cancer is, like, bad, you know? I feel so much more aware now. Hell In A Cell Match For A Future WWE World Heavyweight Title Opportunity: John Cena v. Randy Orton This is MUST WIN for Cena, guys! He might never get another shot at becoming a sixteen-time champion without it! Those first fifteen were NOTHING. This time it’s really, really, really, really, REALLY personal. Also, I got the “Locked On” achievement after sitting through the promo video for this. I have to say, if I get achievements for watching the Network on the XBone, I might just switch to that for a while and see what I can unlock. They brawl for a bit to start and Orton gets two, but he goes for a chair and Cena suplexes him. Orton gets it now and uses it for two. Cena tries the FU but Orton reverses into a neckbreaker for two. Orton presses Cena’s face into the fence for a bit and Cole is like “He’s TORTURING him!” And they wonder why people hate the announcing. In the ring, now it’s apparently the defining moment of their career, unlike the other 30 or so times they’ve met on PPV. This year. Orton stops to pose and Cena takes him down for two. Well now Orton’s special attack will take forever to build up again! My wife’s perspective on all this: “I know you say Orton is a douchebag who shits in people’s bags, but he’s pretty damn hot. Also, if John Cena threw me his t-shirt, I’d squee.” So there you have it. Orton with the chinlock to really emphasize the hatred and torture in the cell, but Cena comes back with backdrop suplex before walking into a powerslam for two. So as Lawler notes, Orton apparently COULD see him. Shit, he stole my joke. Cena backdrops out of the draping DDT, but Orton runs him into the post to take over again. They run each other into the cage a few times and Cena brings a table in, but Orton thwarts that plan and puts the table in the corner instead. NO ONE PUTS TABLE IN A CORNER! RKO Outta Nowhere gets two. Orton kind of gently runs Cena through the table and gets two. I don’t know if it’s just me, but the amount of replays tonight is really annoying, as anything with the least bit of impact is immediately double-featured. So Orton grabs the stairs, but Cena suplexes him onto the stairs and does a ridiculous five knuckle shuffle on the stairs, which is apparently more devastating than the usual version because…reasons. Orton goes low for two, however. And then they SLOWLY set up for the next spot, but Orton misses the punt and Cena gets the STF, but Orton bails to the floor. Cena is so ENRAGED by this that he tosses the stairs at him, which seems a tad extreme, but then he missed by six feet anyway. Back in, FU gets two. RKO gets two. FU gets two. Cena gets another table and goes up, but Orton follows with an RKO attempt that is blocked, and Cena finishes with an FU through the table at 26:00. Say it with me: CENA WINS, LOL. This was literally every other Cena v. Orton match you’ve ever seen in your lifetime with nothing to distinguish it. Except 8 million replays. Thanks, Kevin Dunn! *** So yeah, it’s Cena v. Lesnar at the Rumble. Again. Just accept it. Also, a note to the announcers: If it’s the middle of the show, you’re not really “stealing the show.” US title: Sheamus v. The Miz Sheamus quickly beats on Miz while Mizdow sells it on the floor, and it’s actually so funny that it’s completely distracting. Like, it’s a really funny opening match gag, but for a serious US title program it’s a total mess because you want to like the guy but he’s supposed to be an obnoxious heel. Miz gets a cheapshot on the floor to take over and JBL goes back to the Sportatorium well for material. Miz with a chinlock but Sheamus makes the comeback and the crowd is just deathly silent for all of this, with Mizdow as the only one getting any reaction. Sheamus goes up with the shoulderblock for two. Backbreaker gets two. Miz comes back with a neckbreaker for two and the short DDT for two, but Sheamus escapes the figure-four. Mizdow distracts him and the Skull Crushing Finale gets two. Miz goes up, however, and lands on the Brogue Kick to finish at 8:17. This was a trainwreck, with Mizdow getting the only reaction out of the crowd. *1/4 And then it turns into a comedy routine, with Sheamus using Miz’s unconscious body to force Mizdow into dancing. They need to just have Rusev squash the shit out of Sheamus and get that US title tomorrow. Meanwhile, the comedy continues unabated, as Nikki is already torturing Brie. JBL notes that she shouldn’t have lost. Big Show v. Rusev Rusev goes for the knee and works on that for a bit, including an impressive suplex, but Show pulls on Rusev’s leg to escape. Rusev ducks the knockout punch, but Show comes back with shoulderblocks before Mark Henry wanders out to no doubt support his friend and America in general. I have literally no doubt in Henry’s patriotism or friendship. Show gets the chokeslam for two and Rusev bails, but Show throws him back in and superkicks Henry off the apron. And RUSEV CRUSH at 7:50. This was fine. ** Divas title: AJ Lee v. Paige AJ kicks her down and Paige bails, so AJ goes after Alicia Fox who is now with Paige for some reason. Paige swings AJ into the railing to take over and the crowd is just dead silent. AJ with a tornado DDT as I’m really kind of bored and over this show and ready for it to be done with. To the floor and they try…something…on the railing, but Paige falls and hits her head. Back in, AJ quickly finishes with the Black Widow at 6:50. Can we finally end this feud now? * Hell in a Cell: Seth Rollins v. Dean Ambrose Ambrose, who would naturally do whatever Terry Funk suggests, starts on top of the Cell and entices Rollins to follow him up there. So instead, Seth sends Noble & Mercury up there and you just know that’s not going to end well. So yeah, Dean beats on them with the kendo stick and Rollins sneaks in for the ambush. The Stooges are unable to throw Ambrose off the Cell and Rollins runs away, but Dean follows him down and both guys go through the tables. EMTs try to haul them off on stretchers, but Ambrose is too crazy for that and tosses Rollins into the cage to finally start the match for real. You know it’s on because the Twitter hashtag finally appears! Luckily, Dean has a bag of torture implements and a ring full of chairs, and he uses those chairs for the purpose that the lord intended. Both for sitting and beating on people. He tries to lobotomize Seth with a screwdriver, but luckily he escapes and they fight to the floor, where Rollins goes into the cage again. Back in, Rollins comes back with a suplex onto a pile of chairs and tries a suplex onto a table outside, but that backfires and Ambrose drops an elbow on him and through the table. Kane pops in with a fire extinguisher to throw off Ambrose, however, and Rollins powerbombs him on the floor to take over again. Curb Stomp gets two, but Ambrose makes the crazy idiot comeback with a lariat and BRIEFCASE TO THE HEAD for two. And now it’s time for the cinderblocks, but just before Ambrose can finish the feud, the lights go out and someone’s speaking in tongues. Just like in the Mankind-UT match! Oh wait, no, because it’s stupid. So Bray Wyatt’s lantern magically teleports into the ring and casts a hologram, and Michael Cole notes “It’s Bray Wyatt!” Really? DO YOU THINK? Bray also manages to magically teleport into the ring, lays out Ambrose, and Rollins gets the cheap win at 13:56. Funny how they spend weeks burying WCW on their Monday Night Wars show for doing stupid shit like this and then they go and do the EXACT SAME STUPID SHIT. Like really, Ambrose survives falling off a cell and taking chairs to the head and stuff, and then gets pinned because midcarder Bray Wyatt gives him a magic slam? Fuck that noise. There goes the thumbs up for this show, as the ending out of left field totally ruined all the good will that the entertaining brawl had built up. Since WWE is all about comparing themselves to other, better, pop culture, this was like if you were watching a dramatic cop movie like Heat and just as the movie is building to the climactic fight between Deniro and Pacino, suddenly the smoke monster from Lost appears and magically knocks out Pacino so that Deniro can shoot him in the head and get away. *** The Pulse Nothing was really bad on the show, except for the finish of the show itself, but that was all-time terrible stuff. Thumbs in the middle.

Hell In A Cell 2014 Thread

Kick off show starts at 7/6c. It’s schedule to have Mizdow TV with Miz as a guest.

Here’s the card going into the show:

Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella – Loser becomes the Winner’s personal assistant
AJ Lee vs. Paige – WWE Divas Championship
Jimmy & Jey Uso vs. Gold & StarDust – WWE Tag Team Championship
Dolph Ziggler vs. Cesaro – 2 out of 3 Falls Match – WWE Intercontinental Championship
Sheamus vs. The Miz – WWE United States Championship
The Big Show vs. Rusev
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins – Hell in a Cell Match
John Cena vs. Randy Orton – Hell in a Cell Match – Winner gets a future WWE World Heavyweight                                                                                        Championship title shot.

Possible Hell In A Cell “co-main event” finish?


I'm just sitting here wondering how difficult would it be for WWE to book a finish as shocking, as amazing and as remarkable as this:

Seth Rollins curb stomps Dean Ambrose's head on top of the cell, THROUGH THE ROOF and onto the mat? Rollins will obviously fall along with Ambrose into the ring!

I mean, calling the match off at that point by having the referee pull up the dreaded X sign, will not only look spectacular, but also protect both guys during the biggest push of their careers.

It's high time we get something great out of the whole Hell In A Cell deal that has stopped being destructive and career-threatening many years ago.

What do you think?

​So after months of bait-and-switch and cheap finishes they should blow it off with a non-finish in a supposed cage match to the death?  By ending the match with both guys too hurt to continue?
I'm not sure I agree 100% with your detective work there, Lou.   ​

Hell In The Cell Reviews

Can you review or rereview this week some of the greatest Hell in the Cell matches ever. Mankind vs Undertaker Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels HHH vs Shawn Michaels HHH vs Mankind Undertaker vs Edge Thanks, Eric

If only there was a DVD that contained all of these.  Oh wait, there is! The SmarK DVD Rant for Hell In A Cell – I’m talking about the 3-disc DVD set here, not the recent PPV. I know this is an older set, but I found it on Ebay for like $3 and I’ve been wanting to work in a proper review for a while now. – Hosted by Mick Foley, fittingly enough. Disc One Shawn Michaels v. Undertaker So of course we start with the first one from 1997, as Brian Pillman’s death had cast a pall over the entire locker room and Shawn decided to go out and have a great match anyway. Not even a tragic death steals Shawn’s spotlight! This was the final result of Summerslam 97, where Shawn reffed the UT-Bret title match, and ended up fucking up and hitting UT with a chair to give Bret the WWF title. They had a wild match at Ground Zero, and then Shawn was forced into a tag match with HHH, and D-Generation X was formed. After another couple of weeks of incredibly obnoxious antics on Shawn’s part, this match was signed. And the general concensus was that Shawn was dead meat. DX tries to accompany Shawn, but get sent back. Shawn tries to avoid UT, who slowly stalks him around ringside. He runs into the ring and right into a big boot. UT rams him to the turnbuckle, and again, which Shawn sells bigtime. He goes for the chokeslam but Shawn kicks him in the shin and hammers away. UT shrugs it off and reverses a whip, sending Shawn crashing to the corner. UT with a wristlock, and he slams into Shawn’s shoulder a few times, then does the ropewalk. Shawn oversells again. UT with a headbutt and choking. Slam and legdrop for two. Michaels is dazed, and UT backdrops him to the heavens. Shawn gets up so UT knocks him on ass several times, and then tosses him over the top rope in a wicked bump for Shawn. He chokes Shawn against the cage, prompting Shawn to try to climb out of the cage. UT pulls him down to the floor, another wicked bump. Front row starts yelling “Make him bleed”, thus demonstrating how much Shawn was despised at this point. UT whips him into the cage, and then tears his head off witha clothesline coming back. Again. Great bumping by Shawn. The announcers are totally selling the idea of UT taking his time and destroying Shawn bit by bit. Taker tries a piledriver on the floor, but Shawn flips up and hammers on his head. UT calmly smashes the back of his head into the cage and drops him on the floor. Ouch. To the steps. UT hammers away on Shawn, and rams him backfirst into the ringpost, then to the cage, then to the ringpost, to the cage again. Crowd eats it up. This, folks, is a shitkicking of the first order. Shawn tries to push UT into the cage, but UT simply clotheslines him on the way back. He smashes Shawn into the stairs. UT whips Shawn into the cage, but Shawn uses the momentum to nail UT on the way back, giving him the advantage. He wisely rolls back into the ring to escape the Undertaker. He nails him a few times on the way back in, but UT snaps Shawn’s neck on the top rope on the way down. Shawn comes back and knocks UT off the apron into the cage. UT keeps coming. Shawn tries a tope suicida, sending UT crashing into the cage, then he climbs halfway up the cage and drops an elbow to UT on the floor. UT keeps getting up, so Shawn clotheslines him off the apron. Shawn, getting desperate, grabs the stairs and rams them into UT’s back a few times. He piledrives Taker on the remains of the stairs and rolls back into the ring to escape again. He comes off the top rope with a double-axehandle to UT on the floor. Back in the ring, and Shawn finds a chair under the ring before returning. A shot to the back puts UT down again. UT gets up, so Shawn knocks him down again. It get two. Notice the story, as UT controlled for the first portion, while Shawn had to use his brain and every advantage possible to come back. UT tries to come back, but gets caught in the ropes and pummelled by Shawn. Shawn charges and eats a boot to the mouth, and charges again and gets backdropped over the top, onto a cameraman. He nails the cameraman (a local worker) and injures him. The medical crew opens the cage to give the guy assistance as Shawn hits UT with the flying forearm back in the ring. Shawn with the Randy Savage elbow, and he cues up the band. Superkick, but UT sits up. So Shawn runs out the door. UT follows and they fight in the aisle. Shawn dropkicks UT, but on a second attempt gets caught and catapulted into the cage. If you go in slow motion, you can see Shawn rip the blade across his forehead in mid-air. It’s not noticeable, though, otherwise. UT rams Shawn into the cage a few times like a batterring ram. Shawn kicks him in the nuts to counter. Shawn climbs the outside of the cage to escape the increasingly crazed UT, and UT follows. They fight on the roof, and Shawn attempts a piledriver, reversed by UT to a big pop. UT grates Shawn’s face into the mesh as a neat camera angle from below lets us see it. Taker military presses Shawn onto the cage, then nails him, sending Shawn scurrying to the edge to run away. He starts to climb down the cage, so UT stomps on Shawn’s hands until he crashes to the table below. Like the Terminator, Undertaker follows and biels Shawn onto the French table, then press slams him to the remains of the Spanish table. Shawn is just bleeding all over the place. UT literally kicks Shawn’s ass around the cage, and tosses him back into the ring. Clothesline, then he puts Shawn on the top rope and chokeslams him off. UT finds his own chair and smashes it into Shawn’s face, then calls for the tombstone…and the lights go out. The now-familiar music and red lights start, and Kane makes his first appearance. He rips the door off the hinges, does the pyro thing, and tombstones Undertaker, then leaves. Michaels pulls his blood-soaked carcass off the mat, rolls over with his last ounce of strength, and covers for the pin. D-X drags him out of the ring before the Undertaker can wake up and finish killing Shawn. ***** – Enough people have pointed out the hypocrisy of giving Shawn-Mankind the full monty despite the DQ finish that I’ve finally caved and acknowledged that yes, the first HIAC match is indeed the full *****. So I hope you can all sleep better now. – We get the video package for King of the Ring 98, which leads to Steve Austin & Undertaker v. Mankind & Kane in the forgotten Hell in the Cell match. So forgotten that I had forgotten about it, too. Mick Foley has now morphed into Corporate Mankind following the “death” of Dude Love, and this apparently marks the debut of the shirt-and-tie look according to the commentary. Undertaker fails to show up even after two ring introductions, so Austin goes it alone because he’s a real man. Kane and Mankind attack him on the ramp while Paul Bearer locks everyone OUT of the cage…but Undertaker shows up via a hole in the ring and gets some revenge on him. There’s another Russo favourite: People showing up from under the ring. Kane tries to break through the ceiling while Bearer does a gory bladejob (for a manager) and Undertaker beats the hell out of him. Austin just kills Mankind with a chair and then goes after Kane on the ceiling while the crowd goes insane. And we just end it there. Not actually a match, just an angle. Mankind v. Undertaker From King of the Ring 98. Following the advice of Terry Funk, Mick decides to start the match on top of the cell, which proved to be a bad move on his part. Taker follows him up and they slug it out on the roof to start, and Mankind uses a chair to pound Taker down. The roof nearly gives way early as they fight to the other side of the cage, but it’s the famous moment as Taker tosses Mick off the cell and AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF! Things predictably grind to a halt at that point while Mick resists the urge to go into the light. Just for fun, watch the bounce that Mick takes off the table and wonder how he lived. They raise the cage as if the match is over and wheel Mick out on the stretcher, but he’s crazier than THAT. So he fights off the medics and climbs back up the cage again to continue, at which point Undertaker chokeslams him onto the roof, through the cage, and to the mat below where he hits a chair on the way down. There’s bad days and then there’s bad days. In his books, Mick credits that bump with doing the majority of the damage, and in fact it knocked him out and necessitated Terry Funk stepping in and stalling Taker until he came back to the land of living again. So Taker chokeslams Funk, giving Mick the chance to remember what country he’s in. And indeed, he manages to reverse the ropewalk and smile at the camera, giving us the iconic image of the tooth sticking out of his nose. He somehow manages to put Taker on the floor and he tries for the stairs, but his arm is gone and he can’t carry them. Taker uses them instead and smashes them into Mick’s head, apparently not having sufficiently made his point yet. He tries to follow with the suicide dive, but he misses and hits the cage, drawing blood. Back in, Mick piledrives him on the chair for two, finally recovered enough to make his own comeback. Legdrop on the chair gets two. Double-arm DDT and he retrieves a bag of thumbtacks from under the ring, back before it became a silly TNA cliché. Mick tries to knock him into them, but Taker catches him with a tombstone attempt, which Mick reverses to the Mandible Claw. Taker fights out of it and drops Mick on the tacks, and of course Mick rolls in them for effect. And Taker hits an additional chokeslam in them, then puts Mick out of his misery with the tombstone at 17:31. Much like the Bret-Austin match, Mick lost but became a much bigger star as a result. Total one-man stunt show from Mick Foley, but the years have mellowed me on it and I can watch it much easier now than I used to be able to. It’s still not the Match of the Year for 1998 or even the best match in the WWF for that year, but it’s pretty damn good. **** Mankind v. Kane From RAW, August 24 1998. I don’t remember this one at all. This would have been a week before Summerslam, with Kane and Mankind being tag team champions and yet having problems, which necessitate a Hell in a Cell match. So Russo must be booking. Mankind takes out the ref and runs Kane into the door, then can’t quite get a chair tossed onto the top of the cage. He tries to climb, but Undertaker shows up and throws him through a table to bring him down. So they finally head into the cage to start the match, as Kane batters Mankind with the stairs, but Mankind fires back with a pair of chairshots and they slug it out. Mankind with a piledriver and they both bump onto a pile of thumbtacks, but Kane gets the chair back and puts Mick down again. Chokeslam and tombstone follow, but Undertaker tells Kane to finish him off with something worse. I know, you’re thinking “He’s going to make him watch The Marine?” but instead he hits another tombstone onto the chair, drawing Steve Austin in for the DQ at 4:18. Oh, that wacky Vince Russo, booking DQ finishes in Cell matches. This wasn’t much of a match, obviously, but I’m glad they included it for completeness. *1/2 For some strange reason, we totally skip over Wrestlemania XV and Mick doesn’t even MENTION that there was a Cell match there. So for all you completists, sorry. WWF World title: HHH v. Cactus Jack “What big star ever laid down for me?” From No Way Out 2000, as Cactus Jack lost the street fight to HHH at Royal Rumble and was forced to put his career on the line in order to get one last title shot in Hell in a Cell. This match reminds me of better times, when HHH had better theme music and a belt that wasn’t like something out of a Toys R Us catalogue. They slug it out and HHH goes down, as Jack pounds away on the mat and puts him down again with a running elbow. Jack’s frustration at the super-duper-padlocked door is a nice touch, back when HHH’s devious plans involved more than just hitting people with sledgehammers. So that begins a subplot as they brawl on the floor: How does Jack escape from the cage when there’s literally a dozen chains holding the door shut? HHH slugs away in the corner and gets the facebuster, but Jack backdrops him to the floor again, but comes back and whips Jack into the stairs. Jack shows some cunning of his own (albeit a more “stupid like a fox” type), as he goads HHH into tossing the stairs at him…and gets hit in the face with them. Well, it’s not a perfect plan. Back in the ring, HHH lays him out with a chair for two. DDT gets two. Jack wants more punishment, but he suckers HHH into charging and hits him in the nuts, then follows with the double arm DDT for two. Legsweep on the chair gets two. Jack fires away in the corner, but charges and gets taken down into a chair for two. Back to the floor and Mick positions himself by the cage again, but fights off a Pedigree attempt on the stairs and catapults HHH into the cage off that. And we have blood. You remember blood, right? Used to happen in every Cell match? Jack continues throwing HHH into the cage, clearly trying to find the weak spot, but then stops his quest long enough to come off the middle rope with a chair onto him. And then, finally, Jack tosses the stairs at the weakened Cell and breaks on through to the other side. And so out through the new door they go, as Jack immediately piledrives HHH on the announce table, and then climbs the cell. Stephanie brings him down, so Jack retrieves his trusty barbed wire 2×4 and they head up to the top of the cell. HHH gets the board and uses it to bust Jack open on his way up the cage, and Jack goes through the table as a bonus. Jack fights his way to the top again and gets pounded with the 2×4, but Jack goes low and comes back. Parts of the roof start to break, which hints at the finish, and Jack gets a suplex. Jack with the DDT, but that’s not quite enough, so he lights the 2×4 on fire, and you’d never see this shit on WWE TV today. BURNING 2X4 IN THE FACE! Jack signals for the finish, but that’s never a good idea, and indeed HHH reverses a piledriver and Jack goes through the cage and breaks the ring on the way down. This made for not only a more visually impressive bump than his original one against Undertaker, but also a completely safe one. Jack is dead and HHH is even kinda shocked at this, but he climbs down and Jack is still moving. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE ends Mick Foley’s career (until all the times he came back) at 24:00. But yeah, no one ever laid down to make HHH a bigger star. I have to say, judged against the other HIAC matches thus far on this set, I have to downgrade it a bit for being a tad contrived at times (like what were they gonna do on the top of the cell, for instance? There’s no ref up there!), but it’s still an awesome piece of business. ****1/2 WWF World title: Kurt Angle v. HHH v. The Rock v. Steve Austin v. Undertaker v. Rikishi From Armageddon 2000. Holy crap there’s some star power there! And Rikishi. They’d be creaming themselves to have that kind of name value in one match these days. Normally I’m peeved about licensed music getting edited out, but in the case of Undertaker, I can live without ever hearing Limp Bizkit again. Everyone brawls to start and Taker gets two on Angle. He chokes Angle out in the corner, but then they disappear and Rock slugs it out with Rikishi. And then it’s HHH v. Austin, as Austin gets the Thesz Press and drops the elbow for two. Austin chokes away on the ropes and gets two. HHH comes back with the high knee, but now it’s over to Rock and Angle. Rock with a samoan drop for two and then they head outside, and we switch to Angle v. Undertaker. Angle escapes and baseball slides Rikishi, while Austin and HHH continue their ongoing battle. HHH gets to eat steel and bleeds as a result, but Rikishi takes advantage by legdropping Austin on the way into the ring. Rikishi offers his support for HHH, but KICK WHAM PEDIGREE gets two. Rikishi was never portrayed as being the bright bulb in the package, was he? Great sequence sees everyone hitting their finishers off of that in a kind of glimpse into the future of these sorts of trainwreck matches. And with everyone out, Undertaker tosses HHH around the cell. In the ring, Rikishi misses a corner splash on Austin, but slugs him down instead. Then things get a bit silly, as Vince drives a truck down to ringside and vows to rip down the cage, but gets chased off by Commissioner Foley. So that conveniently leaves a pickup truck at ringside, filled with some sort of packing material. Driving the truck into the cage has broken the door down, so Austin and HHH escape and fight down the aisle and into the cart-themed set by the entrance. This gives us an innovative spot with Austin using the boom camera as a weapon. Soon everyone fights to the car lot and Rock teases Rock Bottom on HHH on top of a car, but instead he takes KICK WHAM PEDIGREE and bleeds a little. Austin catapults HHH into a car for another great visual, and everyone fights back down to the cage again. Austin and HHH continue their little war by heading to the top of the cage and actually manage to make it suspenseful by slugging it out on the edge. Austin with KICK WHAM STUNNER, but now Angle and Undertaker have followed them up there. Undertaker beats the hell out of Angle and ponders which side of the cage to toss him off of, but now Rikishi and Rock head up there. Another great moment as Undertaker threatens the timekeeper, from the top of the cage mind you, and convinces him to throw a chair up to the top. Man, that’s some respect. Rikishi gets the chair, however, and beats UT down with it. However, Rikishi is of course NOT SMART and going after Undertaker on top of the cage is a supremely bad idea. Which he learns when Taker chokeslams him off the cell and into the truck in retaliation. Rock and Austin have a staredown on their way to drawing a million buys for Wrestlemania, but their all-too-brief slugfest leads to the People’s Elbow, which is interrupted by HHH. Rock lays the smackdown on him and hits Angle with Rock Bottom for two, but Austin saves. KICK WHAM STUNNER and Rock sells the shit out of it, but HHH lets his hate of Austin consume him again by making the save, allowing Angle to pin Rock at 32:00 to retain the title. This did an awesome job of making me want to see the big Austin-HHH blowoff, although Angle still wasn’t at the top of his game as a worker, which is kind of scary. I wasn’t a huge fan of this one back in the day, but watching Austin, HHH, Rock and Undertaker going out there and doing their thing in their primes has allowed this one to age quite gracefully and set the stage for bigger car crash matches to come. **** Disc Two HHH v. Chris Jericho From Judgment Day 2002, the first PPV of the WWE era, which means no more blurring on this set. This was the final result of the disastrous 2002 HHH-Jericho feud, as the feud was more bad comedy than blood-tinged hatred, which is probably why no one remembers this except as yet another example of Jericho’s main event run getting buried six feet under. Like really, Jericho had never even BEATEN HHH at this point, and we’re supposed to think he suddenly has a chance here? In fact, has he ever beaten HHH, come to think of it? Slugfest to start and HHH puts him down with the high knee and follows with a backdrop, then pounds away in the corner. They head to the floor and do nothing, then back in for a flying forearm from Jericho. The crowd is completely dead for this, I should point out. Jericho misses a charge and hits the post, putting him on the floor, and HHH runs him into the cage. Back in the ring, HHH hits him with a pair of short clotheslines and a suplex gets two. Jericho reverses him out to the floor, but gets sent into the stairs. HHH threatens a piledriver on them, but Jericho catapults him into the cage instead. When does HHH ever do a piledriver? Jericho gets a ladder and runs it into HHH’s face to take over. They brawl to the floor again and HHH gets a chair now, trumping Jericho’s ladder. Back in, Jericho gets the stairs again, but HHH drops him on the stairs. Then in the most important moment in a relatively meaningless match, Tim White gets bumped into the cage and bleeds, which actually turned out to be a real injury that ended his career. Jericho gets a chairshot for the visual pinfall while the crew of refs break into the cell and rescue White. So with the door open, HHH hits Jericho with the SLEDGEHAMMER OF DOOM for another visual pinfall (never mind that there’s literally a dozen referees at ringside tending to White who could have counted). Jericho recovers and heads out of the cage, stopping to slam the door into HHH, and they brawl outside of the cage. HHH gets a DDT on the table and Jericho flees to the top of the cage, but HHH now brings Cactus Jack’s barbed wire 2×4 with him to shows just in case of such an occurrence, apparently. They brawl on top and Jericho gets the Walls up there while another ref climbs up there too. This was the first and only time where a Cell match suddenly became falls count anywhere, I should note. Jericho tries to use the barbed wire, but HHH goes low and tries the Pedigree. Jericho reverses and there’s a moment where people almost think HHH might go through the cage on the bump, but no. Barbed wire to the head and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finish on top of the cell at 24:30. This was like a Frankenstein monster of Cell matches, assembled from leftover parts of other, better matches but without the heat or great bumps that made them memorable. ***1/4 WWE World title: Brock Lesnar v. The Undertaker From No Mercy 2002, as Undertaker was supposed to job to Brock at the previous PPV but “wasn’t feeling it”, so they did a double DQ and set this up instead. Boy, this match would be a lot different and more interesting today, what with Undertaker’s fascination with MMA and Brock being, you know, UFC heavyweight champion and all. Undertaker has a “broken” hand stemming from an angle on Smackdown, although I’m sure there was some other actual reason for the cast. Taker charges in and pounds away on Brock to start, but gets powerslammed for two. Taker comes back and threatens to backhand him with the cast, so Brock bails and takes a breather. Back in, Brock pounds on the cast in the corner, then goes to an armbar. See, who says Brock doesn’t have submission skills? Taker hits him with the cast to escape, then puts him down again with a straight shot to the head with it. Hey, it’s all legal, why not? Brock is bleeding already (super abrasive plaster, I suppose) and Taker beats on him outside and sends him into the stairs. Brock takes a nice bump into the cage and I immediately miss JR calling this. Taker sends him into the cage again and clotheslines him on the rebound for two, as it’s still falls count anywhere in 2002. Back to the cage for the Brock and they head into the ring, as Taker clobbers him with the cast again and adds the guillotine legdrop on the apron. An awkward knee off the top gets two. Back to the floor as Paul Heyman flails away through a hole in the cage, but Taker boots him into the railing and even the MANAGER is bleeding. UT grabs Heyman by the tie and rams him into the cage a few times as well in a fun spot, but he charges and hits the cage. Brock, caveman that he is, uses a double-leg to ram Taker into the post and then into the cage. He should have just been in UFC all along. Heyman lends Brock his belt and they tie Taker to the cage with it, and that allows Brock to abuse the broken hand with a chair as well. See, I like that they’re going in a totally different direction with this match, ramping up the blood and personal violence rather than trying for gimmicky bumps and cute ways to escape the cage. Back in the ring, Brock stomps away on the hand and gets the cast off, but he doesn’t even want to use it himself because he’s a REAL FUCKING MAN. He continues working on the hand instead. They head up to the top, and it’s more innovation as Brock swings from the top of the cage and kicks Taker RIGHT IN THE FACE. That’s a pretty low ceiling, actually. Taker fights him off and ropewalks over to drop an elbow, and that gets two. Brock escapes to the apron, but Taker boots him into the cage and follows with the suicide dive. Unfortunately they don’t have enough room to pull it off properly and it falls kind of flat, with both guys just kind of going into the cage. Brock clotheslines him and then adds a shot from the stairs, and Taker does a SPECTACULAR blade, literally pouring blood out of his head. He bleeds Booger Red! Brock is so inspired that he hits him with the stairs again. Back in, Taker is still fighting, but Brock hits him with a spinebuster and pounds away in the corner. They slug it out and Taker puts him with down with a clothesline, then stomps the hand for some revenge. He goes old school, but Brock just throws him off the top. Taker is still bleeding all over the place. Brock tries the F5, but Taker escapes and chokeslams him for two. Corner clothesline, but Brock catches him with a boot on the second try and sets up for a piledriver. UT reverses out and hits a DDT for two. Last Ride is blocked by Brock and he pounds away in the corner, but that’s never a good idea. And indeed, that earns him the Last Ride, but it only gets two because Brock is in the ropes. That’s right, there’s no rules in this match except for “the ropes are out of bounds.” You can smash chairs in the face of your opponent, but god forbid you pin someone while they’re in the ropes. Taker goes for the tombstone, but it’s F5 and good night at 27:15. Finish could have been stronger, but Brock looked like a beast and this was a very different style of match than the previous stunt shows were. ****1/2 RAW World title: HHH v. Kevin Nash This is from Bad Blood 2003, the first RAW-only PPV. They were following up quite the shitty match at Judgment Day, which didn’t leave expectations for this terribly high amongst anyone. 2003 was not a stellar year for HHH in the ring, excuses about his opponents aside. Yeah, he had to work with Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash and Goldberg all year, but people have gotten much better matches out of that group of suck than HHH ever did. So they stuck Mick Foley in there as the guest referee to hopefully make it better. The whole 2003 push for Nash was just mind-boggling, and ended with Nash literally tearing his quad by walking into the ring during a six-man tag. 6 years later and I still don’t even really understand what the feud was over. Nash has the old Diesel music here — is that because of licensing issues or because they were so stupid at the time to think people liked that? Another minor point — the Big Gold Belt sported by HHH here looks so much better than the toy replica they’re using today. The one now looks like some sort of cheap plastic imitation by comparison. They slug it out and Nash gets the knees in the corner and FRAMED ELBOW OF DOOM, then puts HHH on the floor with a clothesline. HHH goes into the cage a couple of times and Nash backdrops him on the floor. Back in, a side slam gets two. Lazy elbow gets two. They fight to the floor again and Nash whips him into the stairs, but chucks them at HHH and misses. HHH finds (I shit you not) a toolbox under the ring, loaded with everything you need to build a house. So he hits Nash in the knee with a ball peen hammer to get the heat, and they head into the ring. Nash is now bleeding and they slowly brawl on the floor. Back in, HHH is apparently so upset with Nash that he tries to stab him in the face with a screwdriver, but unable to stick it into his eyeball like an icepick, he has to settle for rubbing it into the cut instead. Don’t tease me with lobotomizing Big Daddy Cool live on PPV and then cop out like that! HHH brings in his trusty barbed-wire 2×4 (with Mick Foley standing RIGHT THERE no less), but Nash gets it away from him and puts him down with it. You’re probably wondering how they could make a match with attempted lobotomy via screwdriver and a barbed wire 2×4 boring, but here we are and I’m fucking bored. HHH at least does a much better job of bleeding than Nash does, as Nash makes the comeback with his dizzying array of clotheslines and Snake Eyes on the barbed wire. HHH bails to escape and now finds a wooden crate to use as a weapon. Is he gonna find a chicken coop under there next? HHH gets the sledgehammer, but that’s TOO FAR for Mick Foley, and he stops HHH from potentially ending this stupid match. BOOOO! HHH charges with the stairs and Nash trips him into them, which is a spot that looks terrible most of the time. Nash gets two from that. HHH gets a chair and puts both Nash and Foley down with it, and even Mick is bleeding. That’s enough for Mick, and it’s time for Mr. Socko, but HHH kicks him in Mr. Cocko and ends that. Nash hits both of them with the stairs and covers HHH, but of course Foley is out because NASH HIT HIM WITH THE STAIRS. Dumbass. Poor Mick keeps getting abused, as they bump him into the cage and Nash catapults HHH into the barbed wire and hits the POOCHIEBOMB for two. Both guys lay around sell how tired they are, but HHH gets the sledgehammer and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE ends the boredom at 21:01. Overly long and self-indulgent, with two guys taking every shortcut in the business and still only barely getting a watchable match out of it. I remember back in 2003 people were like “Wow, this wasn’t excruciating, what a good PPV!” but I’d like to think we can hold it to a bit of a higher standard now, especially since this set is supposed to be the “Best” Cell matches. *** HHH v. Shawn Michaels Skipping ahead a year to Bad Blood 2004, as these two were engaged in a neverending feud that makes John Cena v. Randy Orton look like a quick run on the house show circuit. At least here it produced some insanely good matches. Not this one, unfortunately. They take turns slugging it out and Shawn bumps to the floor, but they head back in right away. Shawn gets a neckbreaker for two and they head back out again, where HHH eats cage. And starts bleeding. Back in, Shawn drops a Dibiase fist, but hits boot on a blind charge. Back to the floor and HHH goes into the cage again, but he takes over in the ring and whips Shawn into the corner to hurt the back. HHH with a suplex for two. Backbreaker gets two. A chair gets involved, but Shawn fights back and slugs HHH down. They head to the floor and HHH does the Brock spot, taking HBK from the post to the cage with a spinebuster to really destroy the back. Back in the ring, HHH with a chair to the back for two. Keep in mind we’re at 15:00 in and nothing has really happened thus far. Shawn hiptosses him out of the ring, and back in he goes low and makes the comeback. Shawn gets a pair of atomic drops and a corner clothesline for two. They fight outside again and Shawn tries a piledriver on the stairs, but gets backdropped. Back in, HHH gets a chairshot. Stairs to the head, but Shawn pops up, so HHH hits him with the stairs again and draws blood. That gets two. Back to the floor and Shawn goes into the cage. This match is what happens when the owner’s son-in-law and his best friend get the main event slot and no one who’s able to edit them down to a reasonable time. Back in, MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER gets two. HHH’s Luger-ish bloodflow has already dried up as he follows with the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER. He tries to switch the Pedigree, but Shawn counters with a DDT and both guys are out. Shawn grabs a chair first and puts HHH down with it, for two. HHH comes back and USES THE KNEE and Shawn bumps to the floor off that, allowing him to find a ladder under the ring. He dishes out some abuse with that, then whips HHH into it. Back to the floor and Shawn pounds on the cut to reopen it. Back in, Shawn goes up and misses the elbow, and HHH gets two. They slug it out on their knees as JR notes that this is now the longest Hell in a Cell match in history. And it feels like it. HHH gets a table next, but Shawn puts him on it and goes up the ladder, finally justifying having the damn thing in the match some 20 minutes later. Flying elbow puts HHH through the table and you’re thinking that’s the finish since it’s 40 minutes in and that’s the most impressive spot so far, but we’re not so lucky. It only gets two. Shawn sets up for the superkick, but HHH goes low to counter and hits the Pedigree. That only gets two, and Shawn recovers with the superkick out of nowhere and both guys are out. AGAIN. Shawn gets two. HHH with another Pedigree and both are out. AGAIN. So they lay there for over a minute, with the crowd actually getting behind Shawn, before slowly crawling to their feet, and HHH hits another Pedigree out of that and pins Shawn at 46:30 to totally deflate the crowd again. I wouldn’t call this a total disaster or anything, but they could have easily chopped 28-30 minutes out of it and had a match that was just as good. It wasn’t really bad or good either way, just LONG. ***1/4 I know I’ve said it before, but I NEVER want to watch this match again. Disc Three RAW World title: Batista v. HHH From Vengeance 2005. Batista is decked out in the badass white tights and pads tonight. HHH attacks to start and Batista recovers outside. Back in, they fight over a lockup and Batista overpowers him and adds a clothesline in the corner, and dumps HHH with a clothesline. They brawl outside and HHH gets rammed into the cage a few times, but recovers and sends Batista into the post. HHH adds a necksnap as Batista tries to head back into the ring, then pinballs him into the cage for a wicked bump from Batista. HHH takes over and pulls out his trusty toolbox, finding a chain there. Now what would a chain be doing in a toolbox? I’m tempted to deduct 1/4* for that. Anyway, HHH beats the hell out of Batista with it and hangs him on the top rope with it, forcing Batista to necksnap out of it. With that accomplished, he proceeds to whipping HHH like the proverbial dog with the chain. Sadly the moment is ruined somewhat by HHH blatantly telling Batista “Now post me” while on camera, which sets up Batista ramming his back into the post and cage in succession. This draws blood on HHH, who responds by coming back with a spinebuster. JR’s analysis of the situation: “He may be able to capitalize, but maybe not.” How truly insightful. HHH does, however, capitalize, by grabbing a steel chair wrapped in barbed wire. JR declares that this is why he’s called The Cerebral Assassin. Because he can hit a guy with a chair? I mean, sure, it would hurt, but it doesn’t take Einstein to figure that out. Batista absorbs some nasty shots with that weapon, and then comes back with a lariat and grabs the chair himself, continuing the theme of the match thus far. He absolutely lays into HHH’s face with it, which is pretty cool. Then we get the classic “grinding the barbed wire into his face” spot, followed by the equally-classic “cheese grater on the cage” spot. Batista adds a javelin into the cage as HHH bleeds buckets all over the place. Back into the ring, although with Batista’s luck out there tonight I’m not sure why he’d want to head back in, Batista pounds away in the corner. And indeed, he misses a charge and hits the post, allowing HHH to take over again. Shoulda stayed on the floor, Dave. HHH tries KICK WHAM PEDIGREE on the chair, but only gets as far as KICK WHAM before Dave backdrops out of it. They slug it out and Batista powerslams him on the barbed wire chair, and that gets two. JR gives him a nice backhanded compliment by noting that “he may be a no good bastard, but that was a hell of a kick out.” Not the kind of thing you can have printed on a Xmas card, but good enough. Batista grabs the chain and goes for the kill, but HHH DDTs him on the chair and Dave starts his own river of crimson. And now, because YOU demanded it, HHH pulls the sledgehammer out from under the ring. What all is UNDER there? JR of course notes that it’s as legal as a wristlock. I’d like to see a weapons match where everything is legal BUT wristlocks, just to hear what his analogy would be. They slug it out and Batista goes for the demon bomb, but HHH backdrops out of that and then does his usual Evil Plan Culmination: He hits Batista with the sledgehammer, but Batista hits him right in HIS sledgehammer. If you know what I mean. And again, Batista uses the “anything you can do” mentality and gets the hammer for himself, but runs into a chain-assisted punch from HHH. That gets two. However, when HHH tries to come off the top with the chain, Batista holds up the hammer and HHH lands on it. Well, they’re 1-1 now, I guess. Normally I hate that spot because it involves holding up a boot to block a move that couldn’t conceivably do any damage even if it wasn’t blocked. However, seeing HHH spit out blood upon impact made it pretty cool. Batista gives him a ride to the floor, via the top rope and Utica, and adds a shot to the stairs for good measure. Then in case HHH didn’t quite get enough, he grabs the stairs and rams them into HHH’s head. I was hoping for something more visually dramatic like THROWING them at HHH’s face, but that might be a bit too dangerous. Into the ring, and now the base of the stairs gets set up in the corner, and HHH meets it head on a few times. Luckily his Neanderthal forehead gives him a few inches of extra padding. With HHH dead to the world, Batista gives him the thumbs down and goes for the powerbomb, but HHH goes low and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE follows. That gets two, as someone actually gets to kick out of the deadliest move in wrestling. They actually shouldn’t have Batista do the “thumbs down” signal unless the move is gonna hit. HHH goes for another Pedigree on the stairs, but Batista counters with a NASTY spinebuster on them instead. That’s gonna hurt in the morning, man. He tries to finish with the powerbomb, as HHH grabs the sledgehammer in an effort to counter the move, but he can’t swing it in time and Batista finishes him at 26:57 to retain the title. This was HHH’s first singles loss in the Hell in a Cell match, and Batista’s last match on the RAW brand that year, as he moved to Smackdown in the draft lottery on the very next episode. Simply brutal and hellaciously violent, it ruled not only because of all the crazy violence, but because both guys exchanged stuff rather than one guy taking a beating (ie, Batista) for 20 minutes and then making a comeback. It was about Batista beating HHH at his own game (pardon the pun), and it was probably Batista’s best singles match, well, ever. ****1/4 Undertaker v. Randy Orton From Armageddon 2005. Man, Orton aged a LOT in four years. Maybe it’s all the extra tattoos and shaved head now, but he looked like a baby back then. And the Rev Theory song is definitely better suited to him and the worker he is now. Orton evades Taker to start and tries to grab the headlock, but Taker sends him to the floor. Back in, Taker with the headlock, but Orton puts him down with the dropkick for two. Orton backdrops him, but walks into a boot and gets tossed. They fight on the floor, but Orton slides back into the ring to avoid any damage and slugs away in the corner. UT fires right back on him, then wraps him around the post and pounds the ribs. To the floor, and he sends Orton into the stairs, and then absolutely decimates him with a chair, drawing blood. We get some cheese grater action to follow and Orton tries to grab a handy chain to fight back, so Taker runs him into the stairs again. Michael Cole: “Maybe he should have thought of that before he set the Undertaker’s casket on fire or blew up his car!” Only in professional wrestling do you hear people having to say lines like that with a straight face. OK, maybe Melrose Place, but sometimes. Orton manages to get the stairs and charges with them, but Taker boots them back at him. Great visual with Orton’s blood literally smeared all over the ringpost. I miss those days. Undertaker makes the mistake of stopping to glare at Cowboy Bob, however, and Randy hits the RKO out of nowhere when UT is getting back into the ring. Nice. Orton pounds away on the floor to take over and then hits him with the stairs, and we’ve got double juice. Back in, Orton chokes him out with the chain and uses a chair for two. UT bails to think about it and hauls Orton out for some headbutts, then puts him against the cage and hits a jumping splash off the stairs. Back in, Taker ropewalks, but misses a flying elbow from there. Orton retrieves a table and sets it up, while Cowboy Bob makes a nuisance of himself from the other side of the cage. Taker kicks his ass and Bob’s bleeding, and that actually set off quite the political firestorm because Bob has hepatitis and no one told Undertaker about it. Taker charges Orton and gets powerslammed into the cage, and that gets two for Randy. Back into the ring, UT with the flying clothesline for two. Old School and a Downward Spiral get two. Snake Eyes and the big boot into a legdrop get two. Chokeslam gets two, as Orton is in the ropes. As always, pinfalls count anywhere in the arena, except there. Taker with a high knee into the corner, but a second try misses and Orton hits him in the junk for good measure. Finally the table gets used as Orton puts UT on it and goes up, then puts him through with a flying splash. That gets two. Orton gets cocky and tries to pound on Taker in the corner, but gets reversed into the powerbomb. Orton escapes and bumps the ref, and it’s RKO out of that, but now we have no ref. So with the door open to attend to the ref, Cowboy Bob sneaks in as they slug it out. Taker with the Last Ride for two, but Bob pulls out the ref and decks him. Taker disposes of the Cowboy and heads back in, but his tombstone attempt is reversed by Orton into one of his own. That gets two, but Undertaker is PISSED about that and sits up. Really, only Kane can get away with that shit. Orton slugs him down, but stops to gloat and gets caught. Undertaker goes after Bob again and fights off an RKO attempt, then nails Randy with the urn, tombstones both family members, and finishes at 30:25. OK, that was a hell of a finish. Orton took a while getting into the spirit, but once he started channeling his goofy supervillain facials this was gold. **** Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon & Big Show v. HHH & Shawn Michaels From Unforgiven 2006. D-X attacks Show with a double nutshot as the crowd reminds the babyface Shawn that he screwed Bret. D-X brawls with the McMahons outside and Shane meets the steel, drawing our first blood of the match. Vince also heads into the cage and you just know he’s not gonna waste a chance to gush all over the ring. HHH finds a screwdriver and digs it into Vince’s cut, but back in the ring Big Show returns from nursing his groin and clears the ring. D-X teams up and sends him into the stairs (“the sinful steel has no conscience,” notes JR. Good to know.) Back to the beating of the McMahons, but Big Show takes over for the heels again by headbutting HHH down via the injured ear. He heads out and powerbombs Shawn into the cage, which is sinful and thus completely against everything Shawn stands for. So back in the ring and the McMahons team up on HHH while Shawn bleeds on the floor. Shane gets the Van Terminator and HHH is bleeding from the ear yet again. Outside, Shane catapults HHH from the stairs and into the cage, as the match has just ground to a halt while they literally stop and set up spots. Show hits Shawn with a pump splash, giving Vince two, but he picks Shawn up. Show with the cobra backbreaker, but Vince picks him up again at two. HHH comes back and tries a Pedigree on Vince, but Shane breaks it up with a torture rack of all things. WTF? Shawn puts Shane on the floor with an enzuigiri, but Vince clobbers him from behind and wants to have a Kiss My Ass Club meeting. Really? During a Hell in a Cell match? HHH breaks that up, but Show lays them out, and then accidentally splashes Vince in a contrived spot. D-X posts Show to get rid of him, then they destroy Shane with an atomic drop/spinebuster combo, setting up Shawn’s flying elbow onto a chair. Show recovers as this match has gone way past the expiration date, and he does that stupid spot where charges while holding the stairs and lands facefirst on them as a result. Shawn superkicks him to end his night, but Vince won’t stay down. So D-X yanks the unconscious Show’s tights down, and shove Vince’s face into his ass for the big blowoff spot. And of course, a superkick into the sledgehammer (which breaks impressively) ends this insipid feud once and for all at 22:45. I don’t even know what the point of the “new, giant Cell” was, because they barely used it outside of a couple of spots where guys got rammed into it for color. It’s nice that they blew it off so completely, but this match was overly long and really dull and didn’t need Big Show except for the Kiss My Ass spot. *** Smackdown World title: Batista v. Undertaker From Survivor Series 2007. Batista blocks a hiptoss with a clothesline, but Taker gets his own for two. Snake Eyes into the big boot gets two. They fight to the floor and Taker slugs away against the cage. Back in for the guillotine legdrop, and then a vicious spot where he jams a chair into Batista’s throat and then rams it into the stairs. Back in, he goes old school, but Batista catches him with a spinebuster in a spot I’ve never seen before. That gets two, and Batista follows with a clothesline and pounds him in the corner. Corner clothesline and running powerslam gets two. They hit the floor again and Taker goes into the cage to set up a Batista clothesline, but Taker sends Batista into the stairs to even it up. He adds a chairshot to draw blood, and gets two back in the ring. They fight to the top and Batista gets a superplex, but manages to crawl into a triangle choke attempt, but he makes the ropes and bails, bleeding all over the mats in the process. Taker tries to hit him with the stairs again, but Batista blocks it with his feet and pounds Taker into silly putty with the stairs himself. Taker is bleeding, and enjoy it while you can because that’s the last blade you’ll see in a Hell in a Cell match. Back in, Batista pounds away in the corner, but it’s a Last Ride as a result. That gets two. Chokeslam gets two. Taker goes for the tombstone, but Batista reverses to a spinebuster for two. Another one and Batista sets up a table, then puts Taker through it with the powerbomb. That gets two. Next up, the stairs get brought in, but Batista can’t powerbomb UT on them, and Taker backdrops Batista onto them for two. Tombstone gets two. Another try, this time on the stairs, and you’d think Batista would be dead and buried, but Edge (who had been the cameraman all along) pulls the ref out of the ring and clobbers UT with the camera! Having never seen this match before, I was totally caught off-guard by that and had no idea it was coming. Edge destroys Undertaker and puts Batista on top to retain at 21:23. The match wasn’t really up to the levels of the Batista-Undertaker match at Wrestlemania or anything, but that screwjob was magnificent. ***1/2 The Pulse Well this is a pretty easy recommendation, since almost everything on this set is around ****. It gets a bit much to watch the same match format over and over in one shot, but if you want the definitive collection of Cell matches in one set, this is it. Highly recommended!

Hell in a Cell

Hi Scott,

Thanks for answering my earlier question on the Blog!

I ended up attending the show, and yeah, it was far from full – lots of sections closed and covered over, and lots of empty seats on the non-camera sides.

Anyway, I put together some thoughts on the show from a live perspective here ( if people are interested.

Thanks again, and keep up the great work as always!

I shall endeavor to continue doing so.  

The PG PostGame: Hell in a Cell 2013 (VIDEO!)

Okay, folks, the ground rules: I did not see the show.  I am commenting on the booking only based upon the WWE’s website report of what they consider important.  I will still award MVP and give a Final Rating.

And unlike the text last time, this time you get a YouTube vid!  Thrill at the annoying buzz of feedback because I don’t understand audio controls yet!  Enjoy my Jake Roberts mustache and awful growth of mini-beard (hey, I don’t shave on weekends)!  Listen to my TV newscaster voice!  See the towel hanging on the door to my bedroom!  YOU GET IT ALL!  C’mon — who else would serve up an opportunity to snark on a silver platter like this?

WWE Hell in a Cell Thread

Preshow starts at 730pm.

Here is the card:

Kofi Kingston vs. Damien Sandow (Preshow Match)
Los Matadores vs. Real Americans
Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena (World Heavyweight Championship)
CM Punk vs. Ryback & Paul Heyman (Hell in a Cell Match)
Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins vs. Usos (Tag Team Championship Match)
AJ Lee vs. Brie Bella (Diva’s Championship)
Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan (Hell in a Cell Match for the WWE Championship)

Hell in a Cell Week at Place to Be Nation (and more!)

Hi Scott –
Wanted to share a couple links from PTBN this week as we go into the Hell in a Cell PPV tonight. We’ll be having a live blog this evening as well.
Justin remembers the original Hell in a Cell:
PTBN HiaC Preview and Predictions:
Place to Be Podcast Episode 264 – Hell in a Cell Preview, Bound for Glory wrap-up and more!
The latest PTB Vintage Vault turns the page into 2001:
We also put up a written piece prior to each pod, which reviews one of the matches in depth:
Our Bound for Glory live blog had a lot of success:
Our Man Steve W jumps in for Scott and picks up our great Impact Wrestling reviews:
Matt Peddycord covers Smackdown weekly for PTBN:
Lastly – but certainly not least, Paul Meekin debuted with a piece on how Mick Foley’s first book impacted him:

So… Hell in a Cell


Had a question regarding ticket sales.

I noticed that tickets for Hell in a Cell in Miami tomorrow are still available via Ticketmaster. Not a few, but lots – all over the arena and even at ringside.

With 24 hrs to go to show time, is this normal? Or is the show drawing very poorly?

Thank you, and keep up the good work!

I wouldn't say it's "normal", but they are not doing so good with the drawing at the moment, so it's not entirely unexpected for this show. Sometimes they open up blocks of tickets closer to showtime when they have the final setup completed and such, but in this case they're just not selling a lot of tickets right now.  

Book Review: Ring Of Hell: The Story of Chris Benoit & The Fall of The Pro Wrestling Industry.

With all apologies to Scott’s excellent book, “Dungeon of Death,” that book focused less on Benoit and more on the pervasive culture of death prevalent over the last decade and a half in pro wrestling. Randazzo’s book is focused on Benoit as the central character in professional wrestling’s toxic cocktail of morbidity.

Marvel at the ludicrous bargain even big name wrestlers accept with WWE: an independent contractor’s job at a multibillion-dollar corporation in which global TV stars enjoy the benefits and job security of migrant laborers, pay their own travel and health expenses, rarely see their families, and are obliged to maintain a naturally impossible physique and perfect attendance record despite a demanding 150-plus-days-per-year travel schedule and an ever accumulating inventory of bodily wear and tear. Worst of all, they must voluntarily sustain irreparable injury to their brains and bodies in the process of making what is usually laughably bad TV.”

With that assessment by author Matthew Randazzo V (really? V? Seems slightly pretentious to me), “Ring of Hell” makes the author’s intentions crystal clear: he does not like or respect pro wrestling. Indeed, at times this book becomes his personal dumping ground, and even in some of the subtle wrestling appraisals he gives, one cannot miss the seething pure hatred the man has for the business of pro wrestling. It practically jumps off the page.

This is going to be a slight departure for me. I generally prefer to review a book and generally summarize the careers and happenings of the performer named on the cover. I like to mention their memories and observations while also trying to provide perspective. This book is different. I have found it to be the best book written on Benoit, but for obvious reasons, it does not include Benoit. Add to that that it is a total, sweeping indictment of the professional wrestling industry as a whole, along with the author’s obvious disdain for the business we are all fans of, and it makes for a very difficult review. As well, I figure most, if not all, who frequent this site know the story of Benoit in its entirety, so I do not wish to insult your intelligence. I only hope I am up to the task.

For all I have said about the author, WrestleMania V, he obviously did his homework. Reading the bibliography alone makes that apparent. Add into the mix that he obviously understands the business and the terminology that abounds during this book proves that the man was pristine on his research. He picked the correct websites, the correct contacts, everything. To boot, he is obviously a gifted writer, as I found almost no egregious errors in the tome, either grammatically or analytically.

As well, the book gives a remarkably straight ahead account of the man before he became the monster. We all know Benoit was a hopeless mark of the Dynamite Kid. Dynamite might be one of the greatest in ring talents we as fans have ever seen. But it cannot be denied that he was, likewise, one of the most insufferable pricks outside the ring the industry has ever encountered. And the author, Clash V, does a remarkable job of pointing that fact out. Benoit could not have picked a worse role model. Dynamite was a phenomenal wrestler, no doubt, but it cannot be ignored that he was just an awful human being and, with his self destructive wrestling style, the LAST guy anyone should pattern their career after.

The book does an excellent job of chronicling Benoit’s rise to the elite. Author In Your House V should be commended for that. What is particularly intriguing is not necessarily Benoit’s wrestling indoctrination at Hart House in Calgary, but at the NJPW dojo. These are some of the more enlightening chapters, and it offers clues as to why Benoit became such a slave to the game of wrestling. Complete physical and psychological breakdown. Author SuperBrawl V discusses the ritualistic hazing in the dojo’s as unique to sports. Obviously, the author has never played a game in his life. Sure, having NJPW “Young Boys” in training have to perform such demeaning acts as collectively jerking off into a jar, only for one young boy to have to imbibe it, is extreme. But hazing, or in this case, ribbing, is prevalent in all of sport, all over the world.  I will admit that the NJPW dojo took it to the extremities of human nature, but some of the rituals described in the book are no worse than anything this author expedience playing high school, legion, pony league, ANY sport at any young level. To try and condemn pro wrestling as unique in this action is purely laughable. Although, pro wrestling is probably the worst in acting upon that particular medium.

Benoit, obviously, went on to huge Japanese stardom and success, along with, as author Bound By Glory V says, his wrestling doppleganger: Jushin Liger. The items on Liger in this book are outstanding, in my opinion. The Liger/Benoit self flagellation society climaxed with the Super J Cup in 1994, and again in 1995. It proved junior heavyweights were draws, and Benoit and Liger were kings amongst them.

Benoit, still a huge star, a demigod, in Japan, wanted to test his wares in the United States. To that end, he started with WCW in 1993, under a booker he liked, Bill Watts. Watts was seen by the rest of the WCW roster at the time as passe and too old school, too disciplinarian. Well, after Stu Hart and NJPW’s dojo, Benoit was refreshed. Unfortunately, Watts was let go. It is during this section of the book with WCW’s early ineptitude that we get some great one liners. My favorite? Dusty Rhodes was inexplicably named head booker after a disastrous late 80’s run that led to Jim Crockett Promotions being bought out by Turner. Upon being reinstated as booker in 1991, his line to Turner Executives and wrestlers alike? “Hi, I am ‘The American Dream’ Dusty Rhodes, and I the rake and you the leaves.”

What is, and was, even worse, was Hulk Hogan descending upon the promotion in 1994. While I have said the author is far from unbiased towards the wonderful world of pro wrestling. But author Big Daddy V seems to hold a special place in his contemptuous heart for Hulk Hogan, who he deems “Hiroshima” Hogan. To quote Scott Keith, I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. That might be the greatest nickname I have ever heard for Hogan during his WCW run. Author Clash of the Champions V just derides Hogan’s self destructive policies from 1994-1995, and it is refreshing to see, as many who viewed the product at that point, those of us who watched WCW as an ALTERNATIVE to the glitz, glamor, and pure sap of WWF, were troubled by the arrival of the very symbol of Vince glitz. I won’t lie, I was a Hogan mark up until then, even through his ridiculous title win at WrestleMania IX. Once he descended upon WCW? Wow. The level of discourse switched.WCW became Hogan’s plaything, and I do not think anyone can deny that. To further advance the level of ridiculousness, Kevin Sullivan was a main booker, and ended up becoming the bane of Benoit’s existence.

I will assume that the intelligent people reading this site realize the damage the Sullivan feud did to Benoit. Benoit was supposed to dupe the marks and the locker room into thinking he was actually schtuping  Sullivan’s sex symbol wife. Benoit was married with kids, and a total introvert. All Benoit cared about was his next match. Sullivan was eventually told, midway through his feud with Benoit, that it was unbecoming for a booker to still be wrestling actively. Sullivan, a shitty wrestler (one of the few times I agree with the author’s sentiments) was told once the feud was over, so was his in ring career. Sullivan did the oh so sensible thing: He dragged the feud out for almost two years. Initially, it was supposed to be Brian Pillman and Sullivan.

Pillman was a Stampede graduate and great friend of Benoit who was almost as talented in ring, but light years ahead of not just Benoit, but ANYONE on the stick. Pillman was also known as a drug addicted sexual deviant who sired child after child with varying women of varying provenance. Pillman went absolutely fucking crazy in 1996, with a purpose: he wanted to be able to support his expanding family. So he devised a plan to turn pro wrestling on its ear: The Loose Cannon. Trust me folks, this was brilliant shit from a man who was VERY smart to the business. Pillman, a jobber at least and a Horseman at best for WCW, did not want to be pigeonholed. He wanted to be transcendent, as his old partner Steve Austin was becoming.  So he perfected the “Loose Cannon” character and was signed to giant, first time, WWF guaranteed bucks.

What is important to Benoit was that Pillman died in the early morning hours leading up to the “Badd Blood” PPV in October ot 1997. It was the first of may deaths of friends Benoit would experience. Pillman, the man so strong that he could fuck a chick hanging upside down in gravity boots, a man alleged to have such sexual repartee that people accused him of having his sex life appropriated to Penthouse Forums, was the first of many experiences in death for the alleged “Best in the World.”

Benoit obviously departed from WCW once his interminable nemesis, and the man directly responsible for hooking up with Nancy Toffolini, was restored to WCW booker. It has been WELL documented what went on with the WCW title switch at WCW Souled Out 2000. Benoit, along with Guerrero, Malenko and Saturn jumped to WWF, luckily able to invoke a clause that Mike Graham invoked. In past years I would have mentioned it, but Mike died this past year, so it would be without taste to mention it here.

Benoit went on to a solid career in WWF/E. (From here on out it is WWE for my own sanity). He wrestled in main event PPV matches against Rock, Angle, Undertaker, and the whole lot. Unfortunately he fucked up his back and neck in a cage match against Angle, and was sidelined for almost a year.

Here is where the book gets touchy. A pure mat animal like Benoit was obviously going to doubt himself during this period. Add in the ungodly amount of steroids he was taking, and depression was a given. Randazzo V does a tremendous job of piecing together the manic-depressiveness Benoit must have been enduring. Benoit triumphed at WrestleMania XX with his best friend Eddy Guerrero in tow, but Benoit was already experiencing the effects of PTSD and tremendous brain damage.

When Eddy died, November 12, 2005, Benoit’s delicate psyche fractured. I do not think any wrestling fan can doubt that. By the time of the events of June 24, 2007 came about, Benoit was a fraction of a man. His brain was fucked. His marriage was fucked. The man was FUCKED. Listen, Chris Benoit was my absolute, #1, favorite wrestler of all time. Yet, when the news came on June 25, 2007, that he, his son, and his wife, were dead, I knew immediately. Benoit did it. That is not to say that realization was not a pure kick to the johnson. It was awful. Benoit is portrayed in this book as both the best of men and the scourge of society. Randazzo is an excellent writer, and, while he excoriates Benoit’s profession, he absolutely sings the praises of the man himself. I have mocked Randazzo V throughout this review, but the fact of the matter is, as much as the author hates wrestling, he has crafted a remarkably even handed account. That is the sign of a great writer,

In short, Randazzo V, for all the grief I have given him, is a great writer. He did his homework, tempered his beliefs, and has written probably the best of the quick, exploitative books authored on the monster Benoit. For that, my hat is off to him.

And Scott Keith, as good as your book was, this is better. I will now jump off the Sears Tower headlong onto a thumbtack for my transgression…

Hell No…what the Hell next?


Since they are getting the biggest reactions on the show, where would you go next with these guys?  Usually when the mismatched partner thing is done, it's building to a main event program, with guys who are already at the top of the card.  This one seems unique in that they are both squarely in the upper mid-card, and we've already seen them fight the world champions, and we've seen them fight each other.  To me, the logical thing is to build them up big over the next 6 months(since neither of them will be in the top 3 matches of Mania anyway) as the biggest face tag team in a long time.  They are one angle away from being huge fan favorites(one saves the other from something horrible(AJ, an attack, fire, etc…) and they then appreciate other with the crowd going nuts as they say "We're the tag team champions."  Also, how great has D-Bry's run been that he got himself, a catchphrase, a GM, an actor acting as a therapist, and a stale mid-card act over?

D-Bry is pretty great.  And yeah, the story progression is a pretty easy one here.  Their fussin and feudin with each other leads them to lose the tag belts to Rhodes Scholars, they go their own way and discover that it's tough getting into fights without backup, something bad happens to Bryan and Kane makes the save, they win the belts back and declare "we are the tag team champions".  Of course then the problem with wrestling in general sets in, as you can't just have them ride off into the sunset and they have to drop the belts again and do other stuff.  

October Countdown: WWE Hell In A Cell 2010

The SmarK DVD Rant for WWE Hell In A Cell 2010 (Wrapping it up for another month with this one.  Any suggestions for November, given that I’ve already done the Survivor Series countdown?  WCW’s November shows and November 2 Remember I guess?  Anyway, this was only from last year, so I’ve got nothing to add to it.) Live from Dallas, TX Your hosts are Michael Cole, Matt Striker and Jerry Lawler US title, submissions count anywhere: Daniel Bryan v. The Miz v. John Morrison I don’t get the thinking behind the stip, given that only one guy has a submission finish. The faces wisely double-team Miz and get rid of him, then do some mat wrestling in the ring. Bryan gets a kneebar and Morrison gets to the ropes, but it’s actually the one time I’ve ever seen the ropes not being out of bounds in a falls-count-anywhere match. Generally even if it’s falls-count-anywhere, putting your feet on the ropes magically breaks the count because the ropes transcend the normal laws of physics and rules of wrestling. Witness the awesome power of momentum, forcing whomever is whipped into the ropes to continue running until stopped by a boot to the face. The guys trade some submission moves, including Bryan busting out Cattle Mutilation to the delight of wrestling nerd Striker. “That’s called WHAT?!” declares Jerry Lawler, as apparently he’s given up on being nice to Striker at this point. Morrison breaks up a heel hook attempt by Bryan, then dumps Miz and hits him with a corkscrew plancha. They fight into the crowd, where Miz tries a wristlock (made more devastating by being on the floor), but Morrison punches him in the face to break. They fight up the stairs, with Bryan following, but Miz punts him back down to the floor again. Miz continues to fight off both faces, dropping Morrison on the railing and then whipping Bryan into a barricade. Morrison comes back with a springboard knee off the barricade onto Bryan, but Miz runs an equipment trunk into him. Bryan gets put on the rolling trunk and run into the ramp for a nice bump, and Miz hits Morrison with the Skull Crushing Finale on the floor. That would seem to end Morrison’s night, leaving Bryan and Miz to clothesline each other at the entranceway. Morrison returns from the dead and climbs the lighting wall, however, and comes off the set with a flying bodypress onto both guys. That’s quite the bump for an opening match. Morrison goes with a Texas Cloverleaf on Miz, but Alex Riley comes out to break it up. Bryan gets rid of him in turn, and finishes Miz with the LeBell lock at 13:33. Pretty great little brawl to open the show, although the submission stip ended up meaning not much to the match. ***3/4 Logically you’d go with Morrison v. Riley from there, but I don’t think that ended up happening. RAW World title, HELL IN A CELL: Randy Orton v. Sheamus Now see, this match demonstrates the main problem with these theme PPVs. OK, two main problems. First problem is that the entire concept is a total bait-and-switch in the first place, as the legacy behind the stipulation promises ZOMG BLOOD AND CRAZY BUMPS and the PG WWE isn’t willing to deliver that any longer. Second problem is these guys really don’t have any particular issue that needs to be resolved. Yeah, they did a shitty DQ finish at Summerslam, but then Orton won the title clean at Night of Champions! Sheamus can’t even bitch about losing in a multi-man match, because he was the guy who lost the final fall. The progression is just all mixed up here. You’re supposed to do the crazy multi-man match first where Sheamus steals the final pin, then Orton gets a singles match for revenge but Sheamus loses by DQ, THEN you do Orton finally challenging for the belt in the Cell. Anyway, they slug it out to start, and Orton gets a clothesline out of the corner, but Sheamus gives him the rope burn. What a cad. Orton clotheslines him out of the ring, but that goes nowhere. Back in, we get a Garvin stomp for two, but Sheamus slingshots in with a clothesline for two and pounds away. To the floor and Sheamus tosses the stairs at Orton to no avail, allowing Orton to come back and run Sheamus into the cage a few times. Stairs to the head put Sheamus down, but he fights back in the ring and stomps a mudhole in the corner. He works the ribs and gets two. Sheamus exposes a turnbuckle, but can’t go anywhere with that and puts Orton down with an axehandle instead. Back to the floor, where Sheamus suplexes him onto the stairs and pounds the ribs. Striker is on this weird run about how injuring the mid-section neutralizes the RKO somehow. The real tragedy of this PG era is that they can’t even do a good internal bleeding gimmick any more. No one could bite down on a condom full of fake blood like Ken Shamrock used to. Of course these days it’s real blood coming from his mouth because he’s getting punched in the face at will, but that’s just me rambling a bit because this match is pretty dull. Cole and Striker are having the most inane conversation about nothing, as even the announcers are running out of stuff to highlight here. Orton finally comes back with the powerslam and a belly to belly suplex for two. Backbreaker and Orton goes for the RKO, but Sheamus hits him with a knee to the gut to break. Sheamus gets the stairs, but Orton powerslams him onto them for two. Orton necksnaps him and follows with a DDT off the apron, but now he’s choosing to sell the ribs again. Sheamus sends him into the post and they head back in, where Sheamus gives him his backbreaker on top of the stairs. How does that hurt any more than usual? He’s landing on the knee either way. Brogue kick gets two. He gets a chair and finally we get some real violence, as Sheamus pounds him down for two. Orton won’t stay down, so Sheamus winds up again, misses, and the RKO puts Sheamus on the floor. Orton apparently hears voices, but miss the punt, and Sheamus gets another Brogue kick on the floor. As a reminder, all moves hurt more on the floor. Back in, that gets two. Sheamus has some good emotions here showing his frustration like a heel would. He goes to finish on the stairs, but Orton counters out and finishes with the RKO onto the stairs, at 22:54. The cell gimmick barely factored in here at all and it was very slow and dull overall. Sheamus v. Orton is not exactly a feud for the ages that needed to be settled in the cage. **3/4 Orton as a babyface = NO BUYS. Literally, actually. It’s really the same trap they always fall into, where someone gets really over as a heel and they suddenly feel like they HAVE to turn them so as to not have people daring to cheer for the heel. Because god forbid. Meanwhile, Nexus interrupts an interview with the NXT chicks, and Wade Barrett promises that Cena will join them. Impromptu match: Jack Swagger v. Edge Alberto Del Rio is my new hero. Anyone with their own personal ring announcer is OK in my books. This guy is MONEY. Anyway, he cuts a promo looking for a fight, and Edge answers, then Swagger answers THAT. And the anonymous GM makes the match official while Del Rio retreats. Everything after Del Rio’s promo is weak sauce. So Swagger beats on Edge to start and whips him into the corner, then takes him down with a gutbuster for two. A bodyscissors burns up some time, but Edge fights out, only to clothesline himself on the ropes. He fights back with a bulldog for two, and the Edge-O-Matic for two. Swagger rolls into the anklelock on the kickout, but Edge makes the ropes. Swagger bails and gets the anklelock on the floor, where it hurts more, but Edge reverses him into the stairs. Back in, Edge goes up, but Swagger hits him with a pop-up superplex. Hey, if you’re gonna rip off 90% of someone’s moveset, you could do a lot worse than Kurt Angle. Swagger is big enough to swipe a bunch of Brock Lesnar’s moveset as well, which would give the world a pretty awesome super-wrestler. Edge tries the spear, but Swagger counters into the doctor bomb for two. Edge misses an enzuigiri and Swagger moves in with the anklelock, but Edge makes the ropes. Spear finishes at 11:30. Man, winning the World title was just not a good career move for Swagger, no? Nothing going on here. ** Wade Barrett v. John Cena Barrett goes with the headlock to start, but Cena powers out and gets a takedown for two. They trade wristlocks and Cena gets a hiptoss for two as the crowd finally starts to wake up. Barrett pounds him down, but Cena goes for the FU while Nexus runs out. Cena stops to gawk at them, but Barrett tosses him and yells at his team for disobeying orders. Back in, Barrett gets two. He slugs Cena down for two. Thank god Barrett can at least throw a worked punch convincingly, an artform that 99% of new hires (and many old hires) can’t grasp. Barrett goes up with a nice flying elbow for two. Cena fights back, but misses a charge, and Barrett gets a neckbreaker for two. This prompts a surreal duelling “Let’s go Cena/Let’s go Barrett” chant. Wait, so if you give a new guy a solid push and don’t neuter him with a stupid gimmick, they might GET OVER? Lemme write this down for future reference. Barrett with a surfboard, but Cena comes back with the usual, prompting Nexus to surround the ring. Big Show and the locker room run out and get rid of Nexus (I bet they were all “Oh shit, it’s Chris Masters, now we’re FUCKED!”), and Cena puts Barrett in the STF. Barrett powers out and comes back with a pumphandle slam for two. He goes for the Wasteland, but Cena reverses to a gutwrench suplex for two. Barrett reverses the FU into a butterfly suplex for two. Bossman slam gets two. There’s a move that’s waiting for someone to resurrect it as a finish. Barrett goes up, but misses a second flying elbow. Why this was a good thing: Because he already hit it earlier in the match, so it doesn’t just make him look like a punk. We KNOW he can hit it, and that’s a small but important distinction. They fight to the top and Cena headbutts him back to the mat, then follows with the guillotine legdrop for two. Cena goes for the FU, but Barrett reverses to the Wasteland for two. Barrett is unsure what to do next in a nice touch, but that allows Cena to get the FU for two. Both guys are out and Cena recovers with the STF, but a “fan” runs in to distract the ref, allowing another “fan” to clock Cena and Barrett to get the pin at 17:50, and Cena is Nexus. The shocked crowd reaction is great stuff, the kind of legitimate drama you don’t often get out of WWE’s overplayed stips and silly comedy angles. Lots to like here, although they couldn’t follow this up with anything as good. ***1/2 Divas title: Michelle McUndertaker v. Natalya Natalya tries some mat wrestling, but they head out and Nat gets caught with a clothesline. Back in, McCool gets a bodyscissors, but Natalya fights out with a clothesline for two. She stupidly goes after Layla, however, then gets a rollup on McCool while the ref deals with Layla. McCool comes back with a belly to belly suplex for two. Nat with a sharpshooter, but Michelle reverses to a heel hook. Nat reverses back again, but Layla throws in a shoe for the DQ at 4:45. Yes, shoe-throwing is actually a finish now. * Smackdown World title, HELL IN A CELL: Kane v. Undertaker I have to wonder how the reconciliation conversation between Undertaker and Paul Bearer would have gone. I mean, I’m a pretty easy-going guy, but I have to think that someone trying to bury me alive in concrete would be the breaking point for any relationship. Did they go out for a beer and just kind of dance around the subject of attempted murder? Is there any accepted social norms for bringing up the topic? Taker attacks to start and gets the first chairshot, and they head back in for a corner clothesline and Snake Eyes. Legdrop gets two. Kane gets the chair and puts Taker down while Striker actually makes a serious attempt at relating the backstory of this “family”. Just read the novel, it’s much more entertaining. They slowly fight out of the ring and Kane sends UT into the stairs, working on the leg, then back in for more of that. Striker once again goes on his stupid thing about how working on one body part somehow eliminates every major move that someone does. By that logic, he shouldn’t be able to do even simple moves like bodyslams or clotheslines, and he should just forfeit the match right now. Taker comes back with the guillotine legdrop, but Kane dropkicks the knee (because that’s how high he can get for a dropkick) and we get the epic “laying on the mat in a leg hold” spot, ala Dusty Rhodes. They slug it out from their knees and then stand up for more punches, before Taker goes Old School. Kane brings him down on the top rope to counter and follows with a superplex. The aerial exhibition continues as Kane goes up with the flying clothesline, but Taker catches him with the gogoplata. Kane slides out of the ring to escape, which is good because I think we all need a break from the torrid pace here. Back in, they give each other the big boot, allowing more rest. They both sit up and Taker gets a DDT for two. Chokeslam gets two, thus disproving Striker’s hypothesis. Kane gets his own chokeslam for two. Kane pounds away in the corner, and Taker gets the Last Ride for two. They trade tombstone counters and Kane gets the move for two. Kane is upset about this and takes out the referee, so now the cell is opened for the crack medical team (and Paul Bearer) to enter. Kane goes after him, which prompts a comeback from Undertaker and a chokeslam. He goes to finish, but of course Bearer turns on him by, uh, shining a flashlight in his face. As nefarious plans go, I’ve seen better. Taker is so shocked by how shitty this match is that he just stands there while Kane hits him with the urn and pins him at 22:38 after a chokeslam. Cole declares this “the ultimate act of treason”, but really Kane is his son, so anything other than that would be much more treasonous. This match was of course fucking awful, and I’ve still got Bragging Rights to review next and I’m not looking forward to the finale of the trilogy of suck. 1/2* The Pulse A real mixed bag PPV, with the first few matches being quite good and then a major quality dropoff after the shockingly entertaining Barrett-Cena match. Barrett v. Cena is worth checking out, but the rest is pretty skippable and I would not recommend anyone in their right mind pay money for Kane v Undertaker in 2010, so we’ll go with a mild recommendation to avoid.

Hell in a Cell 2012

in a Cell 2012
October 28, 2012
Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Michael Cole, Jim Ross, John Bradshaw Layfield
Reviewed by Tommy Hall
main event here is Ryback vs. Punk and there’s one thing I love about
it: I have no idea who is going to win. They really could go either
way and as a big supporter of Rybac, I’d love to see it. The main
event is in need of a major change, so why not Ryback? The main
issue for him though is that the fans are going to have the Goldberg
chants going on high tonight. The Sheamus vs. Big Show match should
be good too. Let’s get to it.

the preshow, here’s Cena to address the AJ/Vickie/Cena story.
Apparently Vickie has evidence of the inappropriate relationship
which she’ll show tomorrow on Raw. Tonight, Cena is answering
questions from social media. The first questions is about him
passing a torch to Ryback. Cena says no but he never had any fire to
pass. A TOUT asks what advice Cena would give Ryback for the Cell
tonight. Cena says that brute strength alone isn’t going to do it.
Tweet asks if Cena could beat Ryback. Cena asks the fans who aren’t
really clear on an answer. He does however say if Ryback wins the
title, he’d love the first shot. Another TOUT is about what was
Cena’s toughest match. Of course he says it’s the one against Rock.
Cena wants another shot of course. This isn’t going anywhere is it?
Another TOUT asks if Punk is the best in the world but Cena won’t say
yes. Another TOUT is from Dolph Ziggler asks if Cena will tell the
truth. Cena says the people should cheer Dolph because he used TOUT.
If Dolph is here, why not just come out here and fight?
Dolph…..or make that Vickie. She says the fans are more confident
in her than in Cena because Cena got his hand caught in the cookie
jar. Ziggler finally charges and gets knocked right back to the
floor. This was free on Youtube and I feel like I deserve a refund
after sitting through it.
on to the actual show.
opening video is about the two world title matches, just as it should
Del Rio vs. Randy Orton
quite the opener. Orton immediately jumps Del Rio and we’re out on
the floor very quickly. Alberto goes face first into the announce
table and back inside we get the Orton Stomp. Orton stomps away in
the corner until the referee pulls him off. Alberto throws him to
the apron and rams the arm into the bar connecting the buckle to the
post. Back in and Del Rio hooks a kind of armbar followed by
something close to the armbreaker over the top rope.
shoulder goes into the post and Randy is in big trouble. Alberto
hooks a different kind of armbar to keep control. It’s nice to see
the holds used being mixed up as watching the same stuff over and
over again gets old in a hurry. Orton jumps over Del Rio out of the
corner and grabs a rollup for two. Del Rio hits a DDT on the arm for
two and puts on yet another kind of armbar, followed by another
armbreaker over the rope. This time though Orton shoves Del Rio off
and out to the floor. Basic storytelling and psychology there but it
worked just as well.
sets for the powerslam back inside but Del Rio hangs onto the ropes.
More good psychology there as you can only have Orton or anyone use
the same moves so many times before someone sees it coming. Del Rio
tries the armbreaker but Orton makes the rope almost immediately.
The backbreaker from Randy looks to set up the Elevated DDT but Del
Rio counters into another shot on the arm. Alberto tries the RKO but
gets countered into the Elevated DDT.
tries the mat pounding but hurts his bad arm again. Nice touch there
again. Del Rio hits the Backstabber for two but the armbreaker is
countered into the powerslam for two. They go to the corner but
Orton gets shoved off. He hangs on by the ropes but Del Rio hits a
double stomp to Orton’s chest for two. This has been way better than
I was expecting.
as I say that, Del Rio goes up and I think is supposed to jump into
the RKO, but instead he just lands next to Orton and they’re
completely out of sync now. The RKO is countered as Orton is sent
into the corner where Ricardo rams the arm into the post. There’s
the armbreaker but Orton somehow hangs on and rolls on top of Del Rio
for two. Del Rio tries the running enziguri in the corner but Orton
ducks and catches Del Rio in the RKO as he comes down for the pin at
13:06. That didn’t have the impact they were looking for I don’t
B-. This was higher until the
jump off the top which looked horrible. Either way, this was a very
nice surprise with some solid psychology and storytelling the whole
way through. Orton isn’t great all the time but if you get him the
right kind of opponent, which is usually a guy who isn’t a giant, he
can have some solid matches and this was one of those. If the botch
hadn’t happened, it would have been an excellent opener. With it,
the match is just quite good.
recap the AJ/Vickie/Cena stuff and Vickie says she’s got the pictures
to prove the affair happened. Vickie turns around and runs into
Heyman. Paul wants the match canceled but Vickie will have none of
it. Heyman snaps at the theory that Ryback scares Punk and goes off
on Vickie for a bit. Vickie continues to do nothing for me at all.
Titles: HELL NO vs. Rhodes Scholars
Scholars won this shot in a long tournament. In case it’s not clear,
HELL NO is defending. The Scholars say that there’s one thing for
sure: at the end of the night they’ll be able to say “WE ARE THE
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!” Funny stuff. Bryan vs. Sandow (in dark gray
trunks, just like Cody) starts things off and Bryan hits a running
knee to Damien’s ribs. Off to Kane for a low dropkick before it’s
off to Cody for the same move for two.
gets caught in the champions’ corner and it’s back to Bryan for some
rapid fire kicks in the corner. Kane comes in again and throws Cody
around again until Damien gets in a chop block to take Kane’s knee
out. More leg work keeps Kane down but Sandow jumps into an
uppercut. There’s the tag to Bryan who moonsaults over Sandow in the
corner and hits a running clothesline to take Damien down. There are
the NO Kicks and the Scholars are both sent to the floor. Bryan hits
a BIG suicide dive to take them both out.
they head back in, Cody grabs Bryan’s leg and Sandow knocks Daniel
into the barricade. Back in and a running knee gets two for Rhodes
as we enter the tag team formula mode. Bryan plays Ricky Morton for
a bit as Cody comes in to work on the arm a bit. Bryan punches his
way out of the corner but a knee to Bryan’s ribs takes him right back
down. Off to Sandow again who pounds on the ribs for two.
windup elbow gets two (I’m not even going to try to spell the real
name) and it’s off to a chinlock. Kane: “COME ON GOAT FACE LET’S
GO!” That actually works as Bryan almost gets the NO Lock before
hooking a drop toehold to send Sandow into the middle buckle. A
double tag brings in Cody to face the fresh Kane and the Big Fried
Freak takes over. The sidewalk slam gets two and the top rope
clothesline kills Cody. Kane signals for the chokeslam but Bryan
tags himself in and hits a Swan Dive, but Kane breaks up the cover.
pulls Kane to the floor and gets punched in the face. Bryan
backdrops Cody to the floor onto Kane and misses the running knee,
taking out Kane by mistake. The champs get into a shoving match and
a pair of baseball slides take out Kane. Back in and Cody hits Cross
Rhodes on Bryan but Kane makes the save. Kane is losing it and
destroys everyone in sight drawing a lame DQ at 13:30 for beating on
Sandow in the corner.
C+. This was getting good at
the end before the lame DQ. They did set up another match later on
which is fine, but with all of the teams they’ve got built up, do
they really want to go another month with the same guys? Still
though, entertaining enough match here and the champs fighting is
almost always entertaining.
gets a chokeslam post match.
talks about how Kofi brings mediocrity and mediocrity brings the end
of civilization, so Kofi brings the end of the world. It ties into a
show coming up about people who are preparing for doomsday if that
clears up anything.
Title: The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
inflatable AWESOME from the Mania match with Cena is back. Kofi is
defending and this is a rematch from a few weeks ago on Main Event.
Both guys try and miss their finishers less than thirty seconds in,
sending Miz to the floor to regroup. How much regrouping do you need
after half a minute? Kofi jumps over the steps on the floor but Miz
kicks his head off to take over. That gets two back in the ring and
things slow down a bit.
to a chinlock for awhile followed by a clothesline to put Kofi down.
There’s a top rope double ax for two and Miz punts him in the ribs.
Miz’s corner clothesline is blocked by a hard clothesline from the
champ and both guys are down. Kofi chops Miz down and hits the Boom
Drop for two. Miz runs from Trouble in Paradise but gets caught by
the spinning top rope cross body for two.
SOS is countered into half of the Reality Check but they seem to miss
on something before the neckbreaker. SOS gets two and Miz hits a
kind of Stunner to the leg. Miz bends the leg around the ropes and
takes off the leg pad and boot from Kofi’s left leg. Kofi gets to
the second rope but Miz slams him off and puts on a half crab.
crawls to the ropes but Miz pulls it right back to the center. The
champ counters into a cradle for two but Miz gets the same off a
short DDT. Miz loads up the Finale but Kofi counters into a kind of
victory roll for two. The kick misses for Kofi but the Finale can’t
hit again. Miz gets kicked to the floor and as he comes back in,
Kofi kicks him into oblivion for the pin to retain at 10:44.
C+. Another good and lengthy
match here as this show is already better than anything WWE has
thrown at us in weeks. This gets Miz out of the title picture and
hopefully pushes him back up the card. Kofi is fine in this role and
can be put with almost anyone to get a good match. Solid stuff here
and a fine match.
says Miz has brought out the wildcat in him and that he’s proud to be
the champion.
NO argues again. Kane thinks Bryan almost lost because he was
thinking about vegan candy. Bryan yells at Kane for bringing up
Halloween when he’s always wearing a mask. Kane says that Bryan has
been wearing a mask since he was born on Old McDonald’s Farm….AND
AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!” I love these two.
Title: Antonio Cesaro vs. Justin Gabriel
we only had three announced matches left and it’s ten after 9, they
had to add another match or two. Antonio says something in what
sounds like German or Swiss before the match. Cesaro is defending
and they’ve traded wins on Raw lately to set this up. Cesaro takes
it to the mat as soon as the bell rings before cranking on the arm a
bit. Gabriel counters a hip toss and monkey flips Cesaro down.
goes up top but the champ knocks him off to the floor. Back in and a
legdrop gets two for Cesaro and he pounds away with some rough
looking shots to the head. An uppercut to the back of Gabriel’s head
gets two and it’s off to a chinlock with a knee in the back of
Justin. Cesaro puts him face down on the top rope and hits a running
knee to the ribs. A double stomp gets another two on Gabriel and
it’s back to the arm. The crowd is pretty dead for this so far.
comes back and takes Cesaro down for a quick top rope Lionsault for
two. Cesaro takes Justin’s head off with a clothesline for two. The
champ pounds away in the corner but Gabriel comes out with a spinning
DDT for two. Gabriel tries the 450 but rolls through when Cesaro
moves. Cesaro goes to the floor so Justin hits a dropkick through
the ropes for two. He heads back in but dives into the uppercut to
knock Gabriel silly. Back in and the Neutralizer retains the title
at 7:35.
C. I know there wasn’t much
here, but having Cesaro run through the entire lower card is a fine
way to keep him on TV without having him face guys he’s not ready to
beat yet. It’s also a good way to make him look like more than he
really is, which is something Cesaro needs. Imagine that: using
jobbers to the stars to push someone higher up the card. It’s so
crazy that it just might work.
cancer is bad.
on Ryback and how unstoppable he is.
sucks up to Vickie in the back because apparently the Cell has been
canceled. Vickie doesn’t seem to understand what he’s talking about.
The match is still on.
Time Players vs. Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara
Cara and Darren start things off with Young slapping him around on
the mat. Cara headscissors him down and there’s the tag to Rey.
Cara has what looks like a Mysterio mask on the back of his own mask.
The main event for Main Event this coming week is these four teaming
with Del Rio and Orton respectively. Yep the card is already falling
down. Off to Titus for some power to take over on Mysterio. A
double elbow by the Players take Rey down and Young comes in for some
near falls.
to a quick reverse chinlock by Young but Titus charges into a boot in
the corner to let the masked guys make a tag. Back to Cara who
speeds things up and hits a top rope cross body on Titus. Cara’s
spinning armdrag out of the corner is caught by Titus and he rams
Cara into the corner. Back to Darren to pounds away a bit more
before hitting the belly to back suplex onto the apron for two.
to Titus who suplexes Young onto Sin for two. JR says the Players
are trying to get a big payday for a win on a major PPV. What
exactly would be a minor PPV? Titus yells at Cara in the corner and
tells him to speak English, which will probably be a fine for O’Neal.
Titus puts on a kind of abdominal stretch before slamming him down
for two. Back to Young for a backbreaker which gets two. Titus gets
in a three point stance but charges into the post.
hits a kind of standing Sliced Bread #2 and makes the hot tag to Rey.
Mysterio speeds things up and hits a tilt-a-whirl DDT on Darren for
two. JR: “Keeping up with Rey is like trying to pour smoke through
a keyhole.” JBL: “Who would want to do that?” Cara dives on
Titus on the floor as Rey counters the gutbuster from Young into the
619 and top rope splash for the pin at 12:50.
C-. This wasn’t a bad match at
all but it ran too long and overstayed its welcome. These guys are a
good undercard feud for the tag division (imagine THAT say six months
ago) and putting them on here was as decent enough of an idea as you
were going to get. Either one of these teams could get a title shot,
and that’s kind of cool to think about.
may have hurt his neck but he gets up on his own power. Apparently
on that standing Sliced Bread he landed on the top of his head.
is promoting a Rolling Stones PPV concert.
recap Big Show vs. Sheamus. The idea is that Sheamus can’t Brogue
Kick Show but he wants to fight no matter what.
World Title: Big Show vs. sheamus
is defending. Show throws him around to start and Sheamus tries to
brawl with him. That results in the champion being knocked down into
the corner and Show is in command. Ziggler is watching with the case
in the back. Sheamus knocks Show to the floor and as the challenger
gets back in, Sheamus fires away with all he’s got. It does a bit of
damage but Show shrugs it off and knocks Sheamus to the floor again.
head to the floor with Show throwing Sheamus into the barricade.
Back in and Show keeps pounding on Sheamus very slowly. He steps on
Sheamus’ head and knocks the champ to the floor before sending him
over the announce table. This has been almost all Show so far and
Sheamus is looking like a ragdoll. Back in and Show hits the Eye of
the Hurricane for two. I think he used to call that the Final Cut.
Sheamus tries to fight back with some punches to the ribs but Show
throws him over the top to the floor.
Sheamus comes back in, he hits the slingshot shoulder but charges
right into a superkick for two. Show knocks him down again with
Sheamus only being able to get in some punches before charging into a
bearhug. Show gets on his knee instead of picking Sheamus up,
allowing Sheamus to hit some forearms. A slam doesn’t work at all
and the Vader Bomb Elbow gets two for Show. He calls for the
chokeslam but Sheamus counters into a DDT but the kickout sends
Sheamus out to the floor.
tries the ten forearms in the corner but Show shoves him off. The
chokeslam hits but it only gets two. Show is getting ticked off now
but he can’t hook the Colossal Clutch. Sheamus avoids an elbow and
tries the Cloverleaf of all things but Show kicks him off. They head
to the floor and Sheamus drives Show into the post a few times. Back
in and Sheamus goes after the knee before hitting some ax handles to
take Show down.
hits White Noise and does it with EASE. That looked better than a
lot of the AA’s Cena hits on Show. That only gets two and Sheamus
charges into the WMD…..for two. Show tries another punch but
Sheamus kicks Show’s head off…..FOR TWO. This is getting AWESOME.
Sheamus gets WAY fires up but the Brogue Kick charges into the WMD
for the pin and the title at 21:37.
B+. This was exactly what it
was supposed to be: a heavyweight slugfest with Sheamus pounding away
with everything he had but it just wasn’t enough. I would initially
say that Show winning the title was a bad thing but the way they were
going with the feud it was probably the best idea. This was a great
match though and WAY better than I was expecting. The kickouts were
great and the match worked really well. I can’t believe I’m saying
this, but match of the night so far.
tries to talk to Booker but Booker goes to check on Sheamus. Teddy
says Eve is going to lose when Ryder comes up dressed as a witch. Oh
ok he’s Eve. Teddy says that’s one letter off.
is here and Punk asks him to cancel the match. Vince asks if Punk is
afraid of Ryback but Punk says no and leaves.
Title: Layla vs. Eve Torres vs. Kaitlyn
was attacked at Night of Champions and Layla had to defend against
Eve instead of Kaitlyn. Eve won the title and was accused of
attacking Kaitlyn, setting up this. The challengers double team Eve,
argue a bit, and then double team Eve again. Eve and Kaitlyn finally
start fighting and we get a pinfall reversal sequence. Eve comes
back in and knocks Layla to the floor so she can beat on Kaitlyn a
works over Kaitlyn’s leg with a long hold until Layla finally gets
back in. A hard kick to Eve’s face slows her down and Layla pounds
away in the corner. A cross body gets two for Layla but Eve throws
her into the splits. Eve gets thrown into the splits as well and
Kaitlyn gives us a DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER!!! Kaitlyn puts Layla in a
Fujiwara Armbar but Eve makes the save. The crowd dies as the match
starts to drag. Kaitlyn hits Stratusfaction on Eve to send her to
the floor and powerslams Eve down. Eve hits a middle rope Swanton to
break up the pin and covers Layla to retain the title at 6:39.
C-. The girls are getting
better and they have an actual story anymore, but the fans still
don’t care. This is MILES better than they were having a few months
ago, but at the same time it’s still nothing to write home about.
Kaitlyn appears to be the future but I’m still not sold on her at
all. Decent match that ran too long.
Show brags about getting the title back and dares anyone to try to
take it from him. That sounds like a match for Ryback once he’s done
with Punk.
is getting looked at.
recap Punk vs. Ryback. Punk and Cena were feuding, then Cena got
hurt and Ryback was the next best thing they could come up with.
It’s in the Cell because the calendar says it needs to be.
Cell is lowered. Cole says the Cell was introduced 15 years ago. My
goodness do I feel old.
World Title: Ryback vs. CM Punk
honestly don’t know who is going to win here and I love that feeling.
The Goldberg chants start before the music hits. Ryback has a red
singlet tonight. Not much of a pop for him though. The big match
intros inform us that this match will indeed be taking place inside
the Cell. You know, in case you’re REALLY FREAKING STUPID. The fans
get fired up for the Feed Me More chant at least.
immediately heads to the floor and we’re in the big Cell where
there’s almost no room at ringside. Punk gets back in and
immediately runs to the floor again. After almost a minute and a
half Ryback gets his hands on Punk and chokes him in the air. Ryback
kicks him in the chest and Punk is in trouble early. Punk gets a
boot up in the corner but a tornado DDT is easily countered.
is sent back to the floor where he tries to get out of the door.
Ryback throws him into the Cell wall and then does it again. The
Goldberg chants start up and Punk hides under the ring. Heyman
distracts Ryback, allowing Punk to spray him with a fire extinguisher
and knock Ryback into the cage. The champ finds a chair but Ryback
knocks it into Punk’s head. Back in and Ryback hits a Warrior
gorilla press drop.
misses a charge into the corner and Punk hits a springboard
clothesline to take him down. A top rope double ax only kind of hits
so Punk hits a second to stagger Ryback. A third attempt is caught
in midair but Punk hits a leg lariat to take Ryback down again. Punk
sends him to the floor and hits the suicide dive but Ryback is
slammed into the cage instead of being knocked down. Ryback easily
breaks up a neckbreaker on the floor but his spear hits the steps.
in and Punk puts on a chinlock. We’re over eight minutes into this
and it’s been pretty good stuff so far. Another Ryback charge hits
the post and Punk smiles. Heyman: “HE’S STILL ALIVE!” Punk hits
the running knee in the corner and a clothesline to set up the Macho
Elbow for no cover. Punk brings in a kendo stick and mocks the FEED
ME MORE chant.
Hulks Up and takes the stick out of Punk’s hands. Ryback is all
fired up now and Heyman is panicking. The fans are getting into the
chant now and there’s the Meathook (clothesline). Ryback loads up
Shell Shock….and the referee hits Ryback low and fast counts a Punk
rollup for the pin to retain at 11:45.
B-. This is one of those what
the heck was that endings but it was a good match until we got there.
I don’t like the screwjob ending and I wanted Ryback to win, but
this sets up another match down the line I guess. I don’t recognize
the referee but I’m sure we’ll find out who he was later on. The
fans went silent after the pin which is a good thing….I think?
gets up and murders the referee as Heyman pulls Punk through the
door. Ryback catches up to him though and throws Punk at the Cell,
but Punk climbs up to escape. Ryback follows him and hits the Shell
Shock on top of the Cell.
poses on top of the Cell to end the show.
B+. This was a really
good show actually and the ending has me wondering where they’ll go
next. There wasn’t a really bad match on the show but a few of them
were pretty slow. The Show title win was a nice surprise and the
ending visual of the Shell Shock was good, but it wasn’t a classic
show. For what it was, this was solid, but it’s another show that
leads to another one instead of something conclusive, which is an
annoying habit WWE has.
Orton b. Alberto Del Rio – RKO
Scholars b. HELL NO via DQ when Kane would not stop attacking Sandow
Kingston b. The Miz – Trouble in Paradise
Cesaro b. Justin Gabriel – Neutralizer
Mysterio/Sin Cara b. Prime Time Players – Top rope splash to Young
Show b. Sheamus – WMD
Torres b. Kaitlyn and Layla – Eve pinned Layla after a powerslam
from Kaitlyn
Punk b. Ryback – Rollup after a low blow from the referee

Hell In A Cell Thread: Part One

First up, predictions for the show, and specifically the main event tonight.  There seems to be some buzz about it, although I don't think it'll affect the buyrate.  

My bold prediction:  I think they're in panic mode and that means WWE CHAMPION RYBACK.  
Bryan Alvarez had a really cool scenario if they want to screwjob the shit out of it:  Cena or someone else beats up Punk before the match even starts, and Ziggler cashes in on him and wins the WWE title.  Then Ryback can beat Ziggler in the Cell and supposedly walk out as champion.  Next night on RAW, the title gets taken away from Ziggler because his briefcase was only good for the Smackdown belt, so we end with Punk still champion, Ziggler still carrying the briefcase, and Ryback still undefeated.  If it was me I'd just beat Ryback by doing the Warrior-Rude finish and be done with it, but then I'm not exactly a Ryback booster.  
Apparently there's other matches tonight too.