This Olive Garden commercial script introducing lasagna wings is just too good

Writer and comedian Keaton Patti tweeted on Wednesday that he forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials and then asked it to write its own version. Prepare for pasta nachos and lasagna wings. 

The scene opens with a group of friends meeting at Olive Garden for dinner, when a waitress delivers "what could be considered food." 

"Food" includes pasta nachos that are "warm and defeated," lasagna wings with "extra Italy," and unlimited stick.

The waitress and the rest of the friend group completely ignore Friend 2, who declares "I shall eat Italian citizens." Instead, the waitress breezes past and tells the group that Olive Garden's unlimited stick "is infinite." 

"It is all," she says ominously. 

The script takes a more menacing tone when, after being asked what's wrong, Friend 4 silently opens her mouth and reveals it's full of "secret soup." 

Then in what the script calls a "wet voice" the announce says: "Olive Garden. When You're Here, You're Here."

Who knew Olive Garden commercials had so much potential for horror shorts?

The messages in the script resonated with Twitter users.

Although it's unlikely that a bot actually wrote this — as @donohoe pointed out, 1,000 hours comes out to about 250,000 unique Olive Garden commercials. 

Patti, who has also written for Comedy Central, The Onion, McSweeney's, and Funny Or Die, made a series of these bot scripts. They're inspired by Saw movies, Fox News segments, and infomercials.

Are the bots taking over? No, but they do want some secret soup. 

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