No... I'm not broken... but thanks for your concern.

by - Monday, February 20, 2012

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This week's Grey's Anatomy hit a chord with me.

Specifically a conversation between Christina and Owen.

Owen said (during their marriage counselling) "Nobody doesn't want kids"... then he speaks to people changing their minds... that sooner or later Christina will want a kid and regret the decision not to.

Christina's response... "It's okay not to want kids... some people don't ever want kids"... Owen's response to that "Well, I don't know why.  Why?".

I know why...and I know how she feels (and yes, I know this is a show, but this is one of the first, if not the first time I've ever seen this issue brought up on a television show - especially for it being such a main part of a story line).

I don't want kids.

I'm not broken.

I just know me.  And "me" doesn't want kids.

I don't know the exact reasons - selfishness, a lack of patience, expenses, potential lack of stability... I don't know one exact reason.

I have a great mom.  I had a shitty dad, but a great step-dad.  So it's not that.  Yeah - my childhood wasn't all rainbows and grape popsicles, but it wasn't bad either.

I have opinions I'm usually very willing to express on child raising (oh, do I have opinions!), and almost all of my friends have kids.

And I like them.  Heck, I've even looked after them - and they survived!!

But I also like leaving at the end of the night.

I spent the better part of the last couple of years being the girlfriend to someone who had kids.  The kids were great... truthfully it's the one part of the relationship I miss.

Even that didn't stir my desire to have children.

If anything it made me really appreciate knowing I had made the right decision... it was like a lesson in life and I passed my own test.

I am open about my desire to remain childless.  When I venture into online dating, I make the conscious effort not to contact men who express a desire to have kids... especially the ones that openly speak of becoming a parent in their online bio.  I don't want it to become an issue in the future.

My ex-husband has two kids now.  I honestly can't think of any discussions we had over our seven year relationship where we discussed either having or not having children.  I hope that he's happy now... if what he wanted was kids, than there was more wrong with our relationship than I knew at the time.

I value my solitude.  I value my independence.

But that doesn't mean I'm broken.

Just as those with children decided to have them, I've made the decision not to.

And I'm okay with that... why do many people think there's something wrong with me?

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  1. i haven't watched grey's in a really long time, but i did happen to watch it on thursday ... and saw the scene you are talking about ... and felt the same way. i don't want kids, either ... at all. although i've felt this way for a long time, having to be solely responsible for my parents for the past year has left me feeling tired and beaten and aching for the days when i only had to look after myself. i haven't dated in a very long time ... partly because i fear that moment when the hypothetical perfect guy says "i want to have lots of kids" and i change the subject. it really is such a complicated subject ... my reasoning behind my feelings is more layered than an onion ... but i don't get why people look at you like you have horns when you say "i don't want to/plan to/care to have children."

  2. My thoughts exactly. You're not the only one!

  3. I really love this post. A lot. I have a similar one brewing in my head. I belong in the camp that at this moment in time, can't see myself having kids. Here in the South, saying that out loud causes people to freak out and act like I have a disease.

  4. oh, mah, gawd, i thought the same thing when i watched greys!! finally, someone is sticking up for the child free, we are not freaks, we just have a lot of free time, right? geez!!

    people love to tell me "youd make a great mom you are so good to your pets" um, yea cus they are home on their own 8-10 hours a day, and i can hide their toys when they annoy me during a nap....

    its hard for people to understand, and i just loved it being portrayed so well on a tv show!!! and in your post!

  5. I wanted to clobber Owen when he kept insisting that everyone wants kids. It infuriates me that people think a fulfilling life automatically means having children. I actually did have a kid and though I love him dearly, I can tell you that having my kid is NOT what makes my life fulfilling. Not wanting kids does not mean a woman is broken. The fact that any people really think this makes me feel like we never left the middle ages.

    I'll be so pissed off if the writers of Grey's Anatomy make Christina change her mind. Incidentally, I have written a novel with a main character who doesn't want children. Since I haven't even got an agent yet it will be ages before anyone will be able to read it - but I think we'll be seeing more of this in the future - women characters in fiction who don't want kids simply because they don't have the desire.

  6. I think that society wants people to fit into their pretty little bubble of get married, have some kids.. you're lucky that you are comfortable with your decision. That is what matters! Don't listen to anyone else. I wish I could be comfortable with the whole not being able to have kids, cuz I still feel broken :S

    I actually thought about you when I watched that. I think you're good the way you are. Don't let anyone judge you!