Oh Noes! The Internet is Angry With Me!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Today has been one of those days. Actually one of those weeks, for a variety of reasons. Almost all of them personal with which I promise not to throw up on here like so much drama infused, pitch colored bile. Indeed, I've been placing myself in a state of perpetual catharsis (read: bitching uncontrollably) to almost anyone with an ear. It's surprising I haven't driven anyone insane with my Fury-esque songs. Lucky are those whom I haven't carried out practical, and feasibly able to be accomplished vengeance upon, my fury fueled plans laid out well enough to keep me above reproach or retribution (in legal view, at least) to certain people deserving it.

Anyways, one aspect of my torment has been the virtual flood of hate mail recently. It's astounding, really. I actually take it as good news. It means people are reading, and if you hate me enough to write me, 10-1 you're probably going to come back to see what I might have written to piss you off this week. This ups my site meter numbers and brings in more advertising revenue for me (what meager amount I make, that is).

So not so much torment, but mild entertainment. Some people really took offense to these last few posts. You may not have read it in the comments (I rejected a great many as they were wastes of space and not productive in any sense) but there were plenty pissed off. And God knows we can't have people unhappy. NOT ON THE INTERNET.

I have been screamed at that I am a racist and was using this post as an excuse to say the "N-Word" on the web and attempt to get away with it. I suppose they think I get a cheap thrill through typing forbidden language on a public journal. I have received a scathing death threat not to make light on the murder of the millions of innocent cows (or steer as it were) for our evil consumption of beef. I have been called highly irresponsible in my pet care as well, and that the SPCA should break down my door to rescue my pets. The way I see it, pets are like children, it is impossible to watch them every second of every day, and shit is bound to happen. Plus, you can't always plan for the unexpected, so deal. Plus, I think it's funny that the cat likes hard liquor. Vegetarians are angry that I poked fun at them, when indeed I poked fun and inaccurately picky eaters. To you I say nothing because as I type this I'm eating a piece of leftover pork roast (Nom nom nom).

For the most part, I've been forwarding your e-mails to friends or reading them aloud at the lunch table at work. I hope to publish them in a book someday so please, keep sending them in. They are always appreciated.

As for the next topic for you hate mail writers: Italian food. I don't like it. Also, the Olive Garden blows.


  1. That is too funny. I found your blog due to the vegetarian post, I found it entertaining enough to continue reading. I have found NOTHING offensive in anything you have written. Intelligent people can discuss any topic without resorting to name calling and insults.


    People so worked up about stuff. Your response has been quite entertaining, so thank you! When I get comments or emails like that I just delete because I don't time for negativity. :-)

  3. I personally found your beef fairy post hillarious.

  4. Well, I may not comment much, but I love your posts.

    All those angry internet drama llamas should find a new hobby.

  5. RACIST.

    Poor excuse to be using the N-Word.

  6. *hugs you*

    You're adorable! You make me laugh. And you have delicious recipes that I would love to try if I could track down all the ingredients.

    Ignore the people who don't like you. Everyone has detractors. The fact that they waste their time to write you makes me worry for them, they need a better hobby.

    Maybe if you post a cupcake recipe they'll go bake?

    (hint hint)

  7. the olive garden DOES BLOW! chunks...hahha

    You keep up your snarky posts! It's called free speech and its wonderful!

  8. I cannot imagine being offended at anything you post! You voice what I wish I could at times!
    I find picky eaters with a lot of rules that they don't even follow themselves hilarious...especially when they don't understand WHY I find them amusing.
    As far as Eat Beast - please...I have cats and dogs and they will try to eat anything. I am reasonable in my pantry habits but I cannot watch them 24 hours a day. I'm sure you are a responsible pet owner, as am I, and would make a visit to the vet if warranted. sheesh - get a life folks!
    Keep writing - we need the humor!

  9. Wow I'm surprised. I find you totally entertaining..

  10. I actually love it when people bitch over the internet! I found this post pretty entertaining. Thank you! But yea...nothing really has been offensive on this blog at all... hell if your not allowed an opinion, no one should. Regardless of what you say or how you say it, it is your right to do so. So shove off assholes, this man is hilarious!

  11. Oh, come on! Can you possibly be against all that is great about the Olive Garden's all-you-can-eat breadsticks??

    Now that I'm over that, I was just having a talk with a friend yesterday about people being too PC. The Gender Communications class I took last semester killed me, comparing the names of certain meat cuts to their female counterparts... I guess sometimes you have to push it to get the point across.

    But as far as your bloggies, there's nothing offensive about them! How can someone possibly take offense to you giving the history of a fruit?!?

    People, remove the stick... or at least readjust it. That might help.

  12. I'm not sure that one can accurately refer to the Olive Garden AS Italian food. But that's just me.

    We've also watched our cats run off with all manner of food--one drank black coffee when he was a kitten (I swear he was mad that no one in the house smoked so he couldn't have a cigarette to go with my/his cup of morning joe) and would run off with homemade jalepeno poppers.

  13. Every good blog gets trolls, right? :]

  14. *GASP* You don't like the Olive Garden? JK - I don't either.

    Love your posts, I've been reading for quite a while but never posted. Sorry to hear that some people (a minority) get their rocks off by leaving nasty posts.

    Isn't that why people read blogs? To hear about different opinions and life experiences? Guess some people think that we should all think the same.

  15. The beef fairy is hilarious, and really points out how ignorant people are about how their food is produced. I dare say you are enlightening the masses by calling attention to the fact that most people have no idea how beef is made, animal cruelity and all.

    I look forward to your book, afterall, look at what it did for the waiter rant guy!

  16. http://xkcd.com/386/
    It's a little disturbing how worked up strangers can get over words on a screen.
    I love your blog though, and think people should pay a little more attention. It's pretty obvious you aren't a racist to anyone who reads your posts in depth.

  17. Don't you know it's not nice to taunt the illiterati?

  18. Negativity tends to attract more negativity. Also I think you can correlate the increased negativity with decreased cupcake production, cupcakes are kind of like holy water that way.

  19. Hey now, those are two completely separate issues in your last paragraph - Olive Garden doesn't serve Italian food. They serve bastardized American Italian food. I saw a commercial a few days ago where they poured a "carbonara sauce" over spaghetti and oh it made me cringe. I mean, if you dislike both, that's totally valid... just don't lump them together like that. ;)

  20. I'm a vegetarian, and was not at all offended by the beef fairy post. Mostly I thought that people in the comments who were like, "yeah, blissful ignorance!" need to think about their food more.

    I've never found you offensive. At all.

  21. I love your posts. You do remember that famous quote: "You can't please all the people all the time...". Don't even try. Just continue to allow the rest of us to enjoy your posts!

  22. Oh dear, good to know that you're taking it in your stride, you make me laugh, and it sounds like you're a great pet owner, if a dispairing one!

    Keep up the good work!

  23. I'm sorry, but if you think it is funny that you just shrug off the fact your cats are drinking something lethal, then you probably do deserve some angry replies. Would you consider it the same if your child drank anti-freeze or even the very same EverClear? I think you make some good points, but there are certain things in life you should not make such light of, one being the almost accidental deaths of your own pets.


  24. I do like Italian food, and that is precisely why I think Olive Garden blows.

  25. I came across your blog from Simply Recipes and tried the red velvet cup cakes also. This is the first time I am commenting on your site, I think you are quite funny and I find myself being educated by some of your posts which are very interesting to read. As for your current post and responses I think you have done a good job at provoking thoughts and that is what it is all about. I especially like your article on picky eaters, being a vegetarian I agreed with a lot of what you had to say. The way that the world is going now we are all too pc (politically correct)and sometimes lose our true opinions.

  26. I found you through either Cottage Smallholder ort Angler, Gardener, Hunter, Cook.

    I love the way you look at thing...

    Sorry to be anon, but my google account is being a pain.. Im Frizz1974.

    I love that you make me think.. the Kaffir Lime post was such a shock. I thought it must be one of those crazy language things.. afterall there is a village in Europe somewhere called Fuck, or some such thing.

    It never occured to me it was the same word.

    Here in OZ Brazil Nuts have always been brazil nuts as far as I know. (Im only 34 so who knows?)

  27. That is great! At least, as you said it ups your reader meter.
    By the way.. that is a picture of a milk cow, not a steer. Holstien I think. Maybe I'm wrong. Anywhoo.. keep on writing, I love your posts.

  28. I read your blog fairly regularly, and I find you witty and interesting. Good for you on taking the hate mail in stride. And please continue to rock on with your bad self.

  29. *giggles* silly comments always amuse me. but as for italian food you can't hate *all* of it. seriously. there is sooooooo much variation out there.

  30. Some people who treat their pets like children have a philosophy of watching their children 24-hours per day and making sure no harm ever befalls them, emotional, physical or otherwise. So I think re: those who scream at you about kitty, you are running into a different philosophy of caretaking, and a different philosophy of how to approach life.(IMHO, hovering and humorlessness is more damaging than helpful, but that's a different blog entirely.)

  31. You'll never get hate mail from me. I think your posts are "effing" hysterical and you are right the Olive Garden does blow! So does Carraba's!

  32. I really enjoy your blog and in reading the posts that elicited the negative feedback, I would say this about the nay-sayers:
    1) Clearly they did not read the posts in entirety;
    2) They didn't understand the posts; and/or
    3) They have no sense - common, of humour or otherwise.

    Your blog is entertaining, engaging and a wonderful resource for foodies - so thank you!!

  33. I couldn't help but burst out laughing at the idea of someone yelling at you for the very mild content of those posts. Hell-arious. In this world where there are SO MANY things to get worked up about, why yell at a person whose intention is clearly not to toss racial slurs about, or someone making light socio-gastronomic commentary, or telling an "OMG! You won't believe what the cat ate" story?

    I understand the vegan lifestyle, to a point; I've tried it, but quickly realized my body needs to consume the flesh of smaller, tastier animals. I try to be accommodating to vegans/vegetarians when I offer them food, but if someone wants to fly off the handle at me for being a murderer, I'll either laugh in their face or tell them where to stick it.

    Good for you for making it very clear that, while you appreciate all forms of feedback, name-calling will simply be laughed at in the break room.

  34. Maybe you don't love Olive Garden because you haven't heard about their "magnum" of wine...

  35. Hey Garrett - Would love to make you a nice Caliterra Italiano meal sometime. My treat. It will be nothing like the Olive Garden, believe me!
    So my best pet story is that one night we were doing a dinner and I used my wok loaded with canola oil to deep fry some goat cheese balls - I'm sure you've had them. I put the wok on the back porch, thinking out of sight/out of mind. Somewhere during the course of the evening either Mary or I let Baci, our Rat Terrier, out to do her business. Well about 11pm and people were leaving and Baci was hurling on the dining room floor... and all night long as well. Seems she had an affinity for the canola oil and slurped enough to provide a digestivo and laxative all in one. Gross and disgusting, but we never put the canola oil on the porch again. Dogs (and I'm sure cats) have an inclination to eat or drink anything within their reach. Kind of comical looking back!

  36. Garrett, you are a gem, the real deal, a breath of fresh air working in a medium that has little-to-no quality control as far as I can tell. Keep writing and do whatever it takes to nurture that wit that is so distinctly and entertainingly yours and yours alone. I guess Thanksgiving is as good a time as any to pull out this canard (pun fully intended): Don't Let the Turkeys Get You Down!



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