fuckboy free zone

Spotting a fuckboy in his natural habitat can be difficult. FB’s as we’re going to call them, have learnt to evolve and often manage to disguise themselves as mates, or eligible partners.

Sooner or later though, unless you’re otherwise involved with an unusually advanced Fuckboy, an intelligent one, their web of fuckboydom will begin to unravel, one navy roll neck at a time.

Whether they’re a boat-shoe wearing ‘you’ll be hearing from my father’ fuckboy, a fitness #gains fuckboy, or the more common ‘cheeky Nando’s’ fuckboy; here are our top tips on how to spot one out in the wild.

  1. He tells you what you want to hear


This is a must in the practice of fuckboydom; if he’s going to have you at his disposal, he needs to convincingly fabricate a bond. To do this, he will most likely go down the “this is so easy / we have so much in common / I’ve never felt like this before” route.

  1.  If you tag him in a post on Facebook, it will disappear from his timeline quicker than a Vegan can tell someone


Your fuckboy has hoes in different area codes, but doesn’t want to risk losing any part of his wider hareem.

  1. He avoids commitment like he avoids jeans that actually fit him


You could be seeing a fuckboy for a long period of time, but he still won’t use the G-Word. A seasoned, or professional fuckboy will avoid labels so that he can easily brush you off whenever it’s convenient to do so. Your FB can then make it appear as though you’re overreacting, or like you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. In reality, you’ve probably just got the wrong stick.

  1. If he ghosts you, it’s because he’s at a difficult time in his life 


If the situation really calls for it, out comes the good old victim card; I nearly lost my job, I nearly lost my house, I was abandoned as a child, I think I have a serious addition to weed, I think I am terminally ill, Gemma Collins on I’m a Celebrity tears…

  1. He slides into your DM’s at unsociable hours


‘WYD?’ Calls, texts, Whatsapp messages, Snapchats, emails, faxes, courier pigeons received at an unsociable hour, are a sure fire way to identify a fuckboy. This ‘WYD?’ communication is usually coupled with a sultry selfie taken in mood lighting, before he makes a request for nudes* or a badly timed hook-up.

*If you haven’t made a mad dash to put makeup on at 12am to send a Snapchat in the midst of fuckboy infatuation, then you are either a liar, or a stronger woman than 60% of the female population.

  1. He loves to embark on a bit of slut shaming


To deter future conquests from getting on the trail of their fuckboy ways, an FB will always make sure his exes or past encounters come across as the negative party. Whether he partakes in a bit of slut shaming, or determines them all “cray cray” – you can guarantee that you too will be the subject of much deformation once your tryst has ended.

  1. He continually blows off your plans


Just because your fuckboy regularly slides into your DM’s, it doesn’t mean that he has any intention of actually seeing you after your designated two or three hook-ups. The sole purpose of a fuckboy is to lead you on and have you there as some kind of ego safety net for as long as possible. The fuckboy thrives on playing games; he wouldn’t know where he is without a game…

  1. He can’t take a joke 


The fuckboy isn’t often intelligent enough to recognise sarcasm or satire, he will therefore take great offence to anything he sees as a personal attack, particularly if it’s regarding football, cricket or another of his favourite sports.

  1. He will never answer your calls 

FuckboyYour fuckboy will always be ‘busy’ whenever you call him; you’ve probably now given up to save yourself the embarrassment.

  1. His friends are all fuckboys 


Fuckboys tend to hang out with other fuckboys, this is known as a ‘fuckboy squad.’ They get overly confident when in droves and are distinguishable by their similar shirts, loud bants and terrible aftershave choices. Women at the bar are particularly vulnerable, if you catch the attention of a group of fuckboys, they will immediately make a beeline for you. It’s a bit like being faced with a kiss from a particularly hairy relative, you can see it’s coming, but there’s nothing you can do about it.

*No fuckboys were harmed in the making of this article, it was also written in jest; we do not aim to offend masculists or any individual that may identify as a fuckboy.