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The Importance Of Aligning Your Values With Your Relationships

Forbes Coaches Council
Natalie Hahn
Natalie Hahn is a life coach focused on helping men and women better communicate and understand each other, and navigate life's transitions.

My son recently told me about a conversation he had with one of his best friends over a girl — a girl who broke my son's heart. It was the kind of wrenching heartbreak that launches the protective maternal instinct into overdrive. However, the conversation between my son and his friend gave me an incredible burst of hope. As the two 18-year-olds discussed the demise of the relationship and my son's subsequent depressive state, his friend asked him, "What of yourself do you see in her?"

The question made my son pause. He thought about it. He was happy when he was with her, but did he see himself in her? In the decisions she made? In the way she behaved or thought about people and relationships?

No, he didn't. So if this young woman didn't reflect his values, his philosophy and beliefs about life, why was he happy when he was with her?  He was happy, he mused, because he was with someone. And because he thought she cared about him. When you're 18, that might initially seem like enough. But he's starting to realize that it isn't -- that being with someone who doesn't share his values was painful and destructive to his sense of well-being.

In the words of Ayn Rand in Atlas Shrugged, love is our response to our highest values — and can be nothing else. Our love of ourselves is reflected in everything we do and everyone we choose to have in our life.  And the most intimate of our relationships tell us the most about how we think of ourselves and what we value.

So when you look into the eyes of your love, whom do you see?

Observe the qualities you believe they best demonstrate and live by. They could be fun or compassionate or brutally honest. They could be a master negotiator and manipulator, or easygoing and laidback, or assertive and competitive. They could be generous or self-serving, an open book or secretive, highly loyal or highly demanding. Or both. Think about how this person shows up in your life - the decisions they make, what they say, how they respond to certain situations or what they choose to do with their time. What do these things tell you about their values?

Write it down in a list. Then read it.

Read it again. Does this list reflect your values?

Think about what is important to you, how you choose to live your life and what brings you joy and satisfaction. And know that values can show up differently for each person. For example, I value fun, and I get great pleasure out of watching very bad sci-fi movies (who doesn't love Pirhanaconda?) But he squirms uncomfortably when I suggest a Saturday of SyFy binge watching. However, he enjoys cycling down long country roads and competitive racing. I can't sit on a bike seat for more than seven minutes without significant derriere pain and whining. But we both take time out of the busyness of life to incorporate our fun time - both together and separately. And we respect that we each need that time and space. This shared value is in alignment because we both understand and value it for ourselves and for each other.

Your values may include family relationships, passion, health and wellness, or service to others. How you express that may be different from others in your life, but if the underlying value is the same, you'll easily see and honor that in each other. So when you look at the list, be honest: Does it reflect the values you believe to be important to you living your best life?

If you don't, it's time to ask yourself why. Why do you believe that you don't deserve to live through the values you cherish? Or perhaps you believe that what you demand of yourself is unfair to demand of someone else. But somewhere in you, you don't believe in yourself. Surrounding yourself with people who do not share your same values is the most direct way to ensure that you do not lead a joyful life. You are surrounded by people who are constantly sending you the message (sometimes unknowingly) that your values are not, in fact, valuable. That what you desire is not important. That you are not important.

Why would you do that to yourself?

When you are in misalignment with your values, you know it. You feel it in your body. You know it in your head. And you are an expert at rationalizing why – why it's OK, why you're wrong, why you don't deserve what you really want. The human brain is a beautiful, powerful tool. And we can get it to rationalize anything, including relationships that destroy our sense of well-being and joy.

Being in a relationship with mismatched values doesn't make either person a bad sort. It just means you're not a match. The challenge with persevering in a relationship when you're not a match is that one of you is continually subverting your sense of self and your capacity for joy. And when it comes to the person we love most, do we really want that -- for ourselves or for them?

As Rand said, "Happiness is a state of noncontradictory joy–a joy without penalty or guilt, a joy that does not clash with any of your values and does not work for your own destruction."

My 18-year-old is figuring it out. We can spend a lifetime exploring our values and how we live them. And that's OK. The deeper we explore, the more we learn — about ourselves and others.  And the more we learn, the closer we are to living our best, most joyful life.

And who doesn't want that?

