Friday, September 29, 2017

Seen in a chart

This was in the discharge instructions one of my patients was given in the emergency room:

Wednesday, September 27, 2017



Mr. Antz: "Hi, I just got a letter from the state saying I need a form to keep my driving privileges? My last seizure was 4 years ago!"

Annie: "Yeah, sometimes they do that randomly. Just come in for an appointment within the next 30 days and we'll get it taken care of. Let me transfer you to Mary to work you in..."

Mr. Antz: "Um, actually I've moved out of state since I was last there. Can you suggest any neurologists here in Bayonne?"

Annie: "No. Have you asked your family doctor for a referral?"

Mr. Antz: "I don't have one. Do you know one here? Or can you call any and get me in ASAP, and for them to waive my co-pay? It's higher if I'm out of state."

Annie: "We can't do that, even if I did know someone."

Mr. Antz: "Okay. I'll be back in Grumpyville next week, anyway."

Monday, September 25, 2017

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mailbag for pics you guys have sent in:

First we have this brand of tea:

"Hey, it's cheaper than Viagra."

One stop shopping:

"Earrings, some nice pumps, get the tumor checked out..."

More one stop shopping:

Apparently death is now one of many "things to do"

And, while we're on the subject of death, here's a great headline:

One reader sent in this badly translated set of directions from a desk clock:

And, finally, there's the name of this yoga place. It make me think the instructor is in a leather dominatrix outfit, carrying a whip.

Friday, September 22, 2017


Back in medical school, me and my roommate (Enzyme) had a classmate named Cheetah.

Cheetah lived in our apartment building, and had this phobia of being locked out of her car. Hey, we all have our issues, I get that.

Anyway, Cheetah decided she could trust us (bad mistake), so gave us an extra key to her car. That way, if she did get locked out, she could come get it from us.

So, over the next 4 years, every now and then we'd go out and move her car at night. We didn't actually take it anywhere. Just moved it a few spaces over... or into the opposite row... not very far away, but enough to make her come out and say "huh?"

We did this maybe 2-3 times a month. We'd only hear about it in passing, usually her mumbling about how tired (or drunk) she must have been when she'd gotten home the previous night.

This went on for 4 years. She asked for her key back the day after graduation, never once having been locked out of her car.

We didn't dare tell her.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Bad! Bad technology!

Seen in a chart:

Thank you, JP!

Monday, September 18, 2017


Due to her hypercompetitive nature, Marie beat both her brothers to be the first with a driver's license.

Since my wife and I need our cars for work, we decided to get one for the kids. We picked-out the closest street-legal thing there is to a tank: an ancient Toyota 4Runner with 290,000 miles on it.

"Marie, are you sure this is the way to school?"

Up until recently Mrs. Grumpy or I have always ridden with her, but now school has started. It was up to Marie to drive herself and the boys to school.

In other words, she was flying solo.

She made both boys sit in the back so they wouldn't distract her.

Of course, Mrs. Grumpy and I were still worried. We decided I'd follow behind them for a few minutes, to make sure everything went fine. Marie (and especially her brothers) were okay with this.

Off we went. Fortunately, Wingnut High School is only 3 miles away. Traffic was light. What could possibly go wrong?

About 2/3 of the way there, one of the boys texted me that the 4Runner was making a funny noise.

At the same time, I noticed smoke had begun pouring out from under its hood.

"Hey, do you mind if I smoke?"

Marie soldiered on. Not stopping, continuing to school. There was no way she couldn't have noticed there was something horribly wrong. Her brothers' texts to me became increasingly frantic that she wouldn't stop the car, wasn't going to pull over, AND HOLY FUCK DAD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!

Eventually, smoking away, she pulled into the school parking lot and found a space. Even with all this going on she carefully pulled in & out of it twice and stuck her head out to make sure she was right between the lines. She didn't seem to notice that everyone in the lot was either running away or taking pictures with their phone.

Except for her brothers, who'd bailed out at a stop sign 2 blocks earlier and were walking.

Then, leaving the engine running, she got out and calmly walked over to my car, signaling me to roll down the window. With remarkable aplomb she said "Dad, what do you do when the car is on fire? They didn't cover that in driving school."

I ran over and turned off the car (fortunately, nothing too horrible turned out to be wrong with it).

A security guard appeared out of nowhere with a fire extinguisher and began randomly spraying stuff.

The boys may need therapy.

Marie, upon being reassured that all would be fine, got her backpack, rolled her eyes at her brothers trudging down the road, and headed off to class.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Winter is coming

And with it, the annual Dr. Grumpy holiday gift guide!

As always, any of you who see something horribly tasteless, useless, bizarre, or otherwise notable, please feel free to send it to me for this year's edition. I can't guarantee I'll use every entry, but will appreciate all of them!

Wednesday, September 13, 2017


Mrs. Semantics is a nice lady with carpal tunnel syndrome. She's trying to avoid surgery, so is wearing a pair of wrist braces.

Unfortunately, she doesn't call them braces, or splints, or supports.

She calls them cuffs.

Which leads to some entertaining quotes.

"You get odd looks wearing cuffs in public."

"I feel better when I wake up in cuffs."

"My husband put me in the cuffs last night."

Monday, September 11, 2017

Front line combat

Some random lady walks in.

Some random lady: "FINALLY!"

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Some random lady: "CAN YOU HELP ME? Is that what you just said?"

Mary: "Uh, yes."

Some random lady: "I've been by your office 8 times in the last 2 weeks, and EVERY TIME the door has been locked. WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!!!"

Mary: "Um, well, it means we're closed. We're open weekdays from 7:30 to 5..."

Some random lady: "Excuse me, did you just say it means you're closed?"

Mary: "Yes, we're open from..."

Some random lady: "THAT is completely unacceptable." 

(walks out, slams door)

Thursday, September 7, 2017


Today I'd like to feature a quote from a friend, that really struck me as spot-on.

He and I were talking about the shitty reviews people leave on rate-a-doc sites, and he said:

"You know, it's really too bad that people get their pre-conceptions of something as important as their medical care from places like Google and Yelp. It's like getting your wine selection from a drunk passed-out on MD-20/20 lying next to the railroad tracks."

Thank you, OC!

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mailbag for stuff you guys have sent in.

First there's this restaurant's hours:

Then there's this fairly generic news item, until you get to the end of the 3rd paragraph:

Here's a mouthwash label. Because nothing sounds better than saying it tastes "acceptable:" 

 When "supreme" isn't good enough for your urethra, there's always "supremium."

"Hey, how am I supposed to take this?"


Lastly, here's an advertisement for medical lubricant. For the life of me, I have no idea what they're trying to market with this image.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Patient quote of the day

"I know that they know that she knows, but what she doesn't know is that they know I know she knows. You know?"
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