One Tie All Tie

Vapers of America declare state of emergency and create giant plume to protect borders

Washington, D.C. – Realizing that the vague notion of border security should take precedent over basic human functions like wiping your own ass, a group of influential vapers has promised to fulfill Trump’s border dream at a third of the cost of a real wall.

“If we can create a 2,000 mile plume with perfect ratios of mango, electric blue raspberry, and goblin green apple, I can guarantee you it will be an impenetrable force,” said vape enthusiast Alphonso Knudson, fully nude save a mystical cloud of extreme cherry functioning as the thin layer between his junk and the rest of the world.

The group of vape advocates proposing the security measure have agreed to exchange time, what’s left of any dwindling marriages, and their general well-being for six monster mango pods, a can of duster and a new JUUL charger.

“Standing motionless and blowing rad plumes is the ultimate sacrifice and embodies what it means to be American,” continued Knudson “One plume under god.”

Construction of the plume wall begins next month.