Gateshead Mencap Society

Don't try these mad tips at home, they are just for fun

Money Saving Tips

Save money on expensive patio heaters. When it gets too cold to sit outside simply go indoors.

Save electricity. Turn all your lights out and walk around the house wearing a miner's hat.

Old telephone directories make excellent personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

you wish to view.


Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Sent in by Mr. AB16YXB

Origami enthusiasts, Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beef burgers. Also your final model can be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.

Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day

Mums, when clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.

A sheet of sand paper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when
visiting the Sahara desert.

of bees in the summer.

Save money on expensive foreign holidays by driving on the wrong side of the road when its hot and sunny.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats

Don't waste money on doorbell batteries. Simply pop to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there

Golfers, empty egg boxes make ideal containers for golf balls except they are a little
bit small.


Sport and Recreation

Recreate the fun of a visit to the local swimming baths by filling the bath with
cold water, adding two bottles of bleach and urinating into it before getting in.


Never admit you don't know the offside rule because the most boring person
in the world will try to explain it to you.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Hot air balloonists. Enjoy your hobby on the cheap by standing in a laundry basket while using Google Earth

I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection
I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?

Keep your kids amused on shopping trips by giving them each three wooden balls
and offering a goldfish to the first one to knock a passer by’s hat off.


hit each other.

Battle of the Sexes

the enemy.


Fellas, don’t waste time wrapping gifts because you are useless at it. Let the wife do it with fancy bows and stuff while you go to the pub.

Girls, next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can’t and
it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you,
or get hurt.


Men, avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.

Ladies, avoid arguments about the loo seat by learning to lower it. It isn’t difficult and it only takes a second.



Losing a husband can be hard. In some cases it can be almost impossible.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great swap!


Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.


To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Be sure to turn it on before calling for technical support.

When all else fails, read the instructions!

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

If you make it idiot proof someone will make a better idiot.


There is no problem, however complicated, which, when looked at in the right way, does not become still more complicated.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.


Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.


If it wasn't for the last minute - nothing would ever get done.


There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong.


If you can remain calm.... you just don't have all the facts.


If at first you don’t succeed there’s always next year.

If a job is worth doing it has probably been done already.


Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?


Magnify Your Phone's Screen By Putting It In A Glass Of Water

Food, Diet and Alcohol

Drink makes other people interesting.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

Booze helps ugly people to have sex.

You can avoid hangovers by staying drunk.

Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Money can't buy happiness but you can buy wine and that's kind of the same thing.

Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs start eating cakes again.

Leave an empty milk carton in the fridge in case someone wants black coffee.

Weight watchers, avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place.






Never do your shoe laces up in a revolving door.

a bowl of iron filings.


Prevent eggs from rolling off your work surface by keeping them in a bowl or similar receptacle.

If your dog is unruly and jumps up at guests or begs at the dinner table, simply buy him a magnetic collar and stick him to the fridge.

Stop being scared of spiders by handling them on a regular basis until you aren’t scared of handling spiders anymore.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.

The darkest hour is just before dawn so if you are going to steal your neighbours
milk and newspaper that's the time to do it.

keep the sea next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

A mousetrap carefully placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to one simple question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.

When a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down the volume and close your eyes until it is finished.
Never eat yellow snow.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.


Deaf people, Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.


Don’t write your PIN number on the back of your cash card because you won't be able to read it once you've put it in the machine.

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


During rush hour sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Ford Ka drivers, Attach a lighted sparkler to your car aerial before starting a journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so they may as well look the part.


Sometimes the Road Less Traveled is less traveled for a reason.



Car thieves don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

Drivers, pressing the headlight switch for a second time actually dips them.

Motorists, Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Taxi drivers, pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators for you so other drivers know where you are going.

Motorists, Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell & the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Imagine you're in London by simply sitting in your car all day with the engine running, occasionally honking your horn and never actually going anywhere.

If the vehicle in front starts getting bigger - slow down.


People who live in glass houses should change in the basement.

No one is listening until you fart.



It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown.. and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.



A closed mouth gathers no foot.



Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Don't suffer from insanity - enjoy every minute of it.