Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Vampiress Review: "Joe Vampire"


The Gist:  A vampire must save a women he's fallen for after a group of vampires take her in revenge.

Clarification:  This is a terribly put together movie that actually wouldn't be that bad with a bit of tweaking.  The biggest problem being that the bulk of the film is a bunch of backstory that in the grand scheme of the film is not important to the plot whatsoever.  Then when you finally get to where things start to actually make sense and happen the movie ends.  This basically means only the last 10 minutes is entertaining and there is no closure whatsoever.

The film starts with explaining how Joe becomes a vampire during the civil war.  This never gets visited again nor effects the movie after that.   Then we have Joe going to a bar and meeting a girl named Melissa who blows him off till he has to save her from a rapist.  This leads to an awkward scene where he explains he's a vampire and she falls for him just based on that and asks him to turn her.  A guy named Drake later shows up and you get told they have some type of past together which gets barely explained as them belonging to some type of vampire society lead by Drakes father Kristoff.  They (Drake and Krisoff) end up kidnapping Melissa and turning her. Joe shows up to save her and finds this out and..well....nothing.  Literally nothing.  Film skips to a scene where Kristoff bites some random blonde girl and roll credits.

Selling Point:  The last 10 minutes is actually pretty exciting.  That's a plus.
Female Vampire Factor:  Drake has two super hot women who follow him around (Cassey Figueroa, Brendaly Rivera).  I assume they're strippers or prostitutes that work for him as he does run a strip club but this is not explained.
 They are shown in a couple of scenes feeding on random men.
 Finally the main female love interest of Joe as mentioned above does get turned (Erin Cline).
This one scene in the films end is her only scene as a vampire where she flashes her fangs and explains that they can be together forever now.
If the first 55 minutes was like the last 10 this would be a great film.   I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  It does have some vampire T&A but they are very quick scenes buried in the film.

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