Do NOT Freaking Condescend to ME, You TWIT

This post is going to be a rant. I'm sorry. I really am.

I was so incensed when I got home from the vet's just now that I assumed I was Low Blood Sugar (we Coopers all have issues related to regulating our blood sugar but Ana and I are definitely the worst) so I had a snack.

Nope, still incensed.

Edward is fine.

I, on the other hand--well, maybe I just need a good poop. (Just a small, sick joke there from a woman who has spent far too much time over the past few days discussing poop with medical professionals.)

So, to give a recap: we've been dealing with the illness (and resulting flight) of our cat Edward. After we found him, Edward spent Friday night having several enemas at the Emergency Room for a bowel obstruction that was most likely caused by a change in diet. I changed his diet because he eats with our other cat, who is so fat that I am worried for his health and our GOOD vet, our good, amazing, CARING Dr. Wyatt, told me that adding some protein to his diet might decrease his rather immense girth. (I don't know if I told you that in our house we have a rule that when you say Thomas's name, you have to follow it with "thebigfatcat" said in the Louis Armstrong gravelly voice. Just do it. I don't make these rules.)

But see, Edward is just a Science Diet cat. Our last cat was like that, too. Buy all the expensive canned or dry food on the planet --heck, even buy canned Science Diet --and the cat will stop eating. (Thomas, on the other hand is VERY excited about this new canned version of, well, ANYTHING. As are the dogs. But not Edward--Edward gets his lovingly minced canned food and looks at me like, "Dude. I can't eat this stuff. What're you doing to me here?")

So, anyway, we got Edward back from the ER and we watched him carefully for signs that his bowels had resumed normal operations. There were some deposits left in the cat box but we had no visual confirmation that they were HIS so I took him in to the Stationary Vet for a little looksy. I figured if he was running a fever, or some other symptom, the vet could do an x-ray and we'd know if the problem hadn't been resolved.


It's true that I am a stay-at-home mom.

It's true that I am wearing an Elmo T-shirt, and shorts and my hair in a sorority girl kind of pony-tail-twist thing.

But I am NOT stupid.

And nothing makes me madder than someone condescending to me.

I realize that this is some infantile response to authority because, well, I've just never been that good with authority. I often say the reason I'm not successful on my diet is that I don't respond well to rules or authority--even when the authority is ME.

I know that I sound like a Smurf. I realize that I look like the girl next door and because of that, no one ever expects me to be smart but DUDE. It. Is. A. Mistake. To Condescend to ME.

Do I make myself clear?

So, we go in and we meet Dr. Smarmy Vet Man who is AT LEAST ten years younger than I am and who proceeds to lecture me on:

1. The definition of constipation in cats. (Turns out this is remarkably the same definition of constipation in ANY OTHER FREAKING LIVING BEING. There's a shocker.)

2. The causes of constipation in cats. (See above.)

Dude. Jane was WITH me. Clearly I HAVE children. This did not stop Dr. SVM from continuing to lecture me on...

3. The physiology of a cat's colon. (I already knew much more about this than I wanted since, hello, I got an up close and personal view of Edward's colon on the radiograph.)

4. How I can possibly give Edward more water. (Put out more than one water bowl. OH REALLY? Buy an expensive watering fountain for him. OH REALLY --WHY DO THAT WHEN THERE ARE TOILETS EVERY TEN FEET IN THIS HOUSE?)


5. Why Edward should be an indoor cat. (On this last, I have to tell you all, my readers --to whom I am willing to justify my actions-- that the reason my cats aren't indoor cats is that we adopted them when they were already fully grown and they were clearly already indoor/outdoor cats. It's one thing to have an indoor cat who has never known the freedom of going outside and climbing trees. It's another to enclose a cat who has known that freedom all his life and who will clearly begin destroying your blinds, curtains and other (leather) furnishings in his displeasure at being cooped up. I KNOW that they kill more birds and other animals. I know that they are much more likely to be killed by cars and wild animals or dogs or whatever (the Vet said Teenagers with BB guns. I did NOT ask if he was from Alabama.) but to me, I feel like we have to take that chance because to deny them the outdoors is to diminish their quality of life. I don't want to debate this. I do know both sides of this issue and this is the best choice for us.)


I told Dr. SVM how OUR vet, the vet I LOVE, Dr. Kristine Wyatt of Austin Hills Mobile Veterinary Services, actually came to my house on a Friday night at 8:00. Do you want to know his f-word response?

"Wow, she's either really dedicated or she has no social life."

I didn't crack a smile. In fact, I narrowed my eyes and said, "I'd like to think that all REALLY GOOD vets would do that for their clients. But clearly not everyone has the same standards." I bared my teeth at the man.

He palpitated Edward's stomach and pretended not to notice.



Edward is fine and we don't have to see Dr. SVM again until something comes up that our REAL vet can't handle because it's hard to cart the world of electronic, diagnostic equipment with you in a car.

Speaking of that, we owe our Fair Jane a big round of applause for exposing Dr. SVM's total ignorance of his toys. Apparently, the office has just gotten these interactive screens that the doctors can use to describe their patients' maladies and draw pictures on them, etc. Dr. SVM tried to use the new machine to draw Edwards colon and what constitutes a BLOCKAGE (you know, when stuff congregates in one place and won't allow other stuff to pass? Yes, dearie, we HAVE INDOOR PLUMBING, thank you) and failed so he sat down and drew out Edward's colon on paper. While he was drawing, Jane reached up--she's six--and found a blank screen and DREW EDWARD, complete with different color inks and a little voice bubble that said, "Mee --OW."

I wouldn't underestimate her, either.


Anonymous said…
"I wouldn't underestimate her, either."

I hear you on this. My 22 yo cat, Fitch, is having like troubles, luckily he more resembles your Thomas than Edward in his fondness of food. I am now getting special canned cat food with squash in it, Wellness dry food with blueberries, cranberries, and other good stuff in it*, and giving him suppliments with psyllium seed and flax seed in it. He loves it. And I have the cat fountain. He loves that too. And best of all it is working.
* I have used the Wellness food before, but I have to be careful not to give Fitch too much protein, because then his kidneys shut down. Such a fun balancing act.
hokgardner said…
OK, so I'm fuming and I wasn't even there.

I had to see a cardiologist when I was pregnant with Lily because of heart palpitations. He made me wait THREE HOURS and breezed in for a three minute exam that consisted of re-asking me all the questions his PA already asked and then telling me I had to wear a monitor for a week. When I went out to get my monitor, the nurse told me that I had to come back another day. I went ballistic on the nurse and everyone else within hearing range.

Then I got home and wrote the doctor a letter telling him I was firing him and listing the reasons why. I ccd my OB, who was horrified and promised never to refer anyone to that doc again.

I suggest that you write a similar letter. But you might want to do a few drafts first. I had to.
Damsel said…
Can I just put Jane in my pocket and take her home with me?

I totally hear you on the condescending issue. I just tell people that I teach high school Chemistry and ask them if they want to trade jobs. :-P
Pirk said…
I love the story!
Hope Edward's traffic jam is cleared.

Thanks for checking the socks for me.
Kerry said…
Sounds like the vet needs to poop! (or perhaps his problem is more in the front!) I hate jerky people, and I don't think it's an authority issue, it's a mean people issue.
buffi said…
What an ass. There is one guy where I take my dogs who is like that, so when I have to take oneof them in I make sure that I will not be seeing him. Evidently, I'm not the only one because when you call you can et an appt with HIM that day, anyone else, it's a week. Hmmmm.

I think I love your darling Jane!
DK said…
1. Jane. Rocks.

2. The vet is an insecure narcissistic moron. Who might actually deserve to be put down.

3. Shit, girl, I wouldn't DARE condescend you! Especially in an Elmo t-shirt!

4. If it's any consolation at all, one of my patients actually said to me today, "Now, I know you went to medical school and I respect that and everything, but I made it a whole year through junior college and I had a B average, so let me tell you..."