Thursday, September 15, 2011

How do you overcome the fear of failure?

I think a major reason I chose to study Psychology at Yale was because, at 18 years old, I wanted to answer this question for myself.

I'm 22 now, with a degree and a head full of facts, and this summer, I worked as a street fundraiser in New York City in order to develop a willingness to fail -- and I've come to one central conclusion: developing a resistance to rejection is impossible. 

Ever heard of hedonic adaptation? That we will inevitably return to a baseline happiness level, regardless of life circumstance (with some exceptions)? Fear of rejection is the same way. Being rejected 1,500 times is not like learning to ride a bicycle. It's more like stretching out a rubber band: you can pull it and wear it down and increase its elasticity, but eventually, it always shrinks back to its normal size.

There are, however, tactics you can employ to stretch the rubber band faster, and for longer periods of time.

1. Develop aphorisms that encourage you to act, and work on getting your brain to truly believe them.

You know sometimes, in a late-night conversation with a friend, there comes a point where both of you stumble upon a placid, short, completely unoriginal idea that, as a result of the build-up of your conversation, becomes a universe-maker? Develop the ability to come to these conclusions by yourself, and through faster channels. I have a couple of sayings, that, by thinking about frequently, I've come to believe more and more.

  • Nothing is ever such a big deal.
  • There are literally no consequences to failure.
  • If I'm not having fun, I'm doing something wrong.
  • There are infinite possibilities.

These days, I find myself thinking about going into a situation with a "200% mentality": shoot for completely winning over the person two-fold, because even if I don't hit my target, heck, I'll be at 100%.

These adages might not hit you perfectly; you're going to have to go through an internal process to discover and develop what works. Stay relentlessly optimistic and be irrationally confident. If you're stuck, just say to yourself, out loud, "I have massive, Atlas-sized balls."

2. Place yourself in a state of natural gregariousness. 

I've learned in psychology (literally from the professors who've come up with these theories) that environment often plays a stronger role in determining behavior than personality. We act and react based on what's happening around us. If every male between 17th and 18th avenue in Manhattan was approaching a beautiful woman, you'd be more inclined to as well. (Google "fundamental attribution error" for slightly more useful information.) The takeaway? When you're about to face life, jolt yourself with little bursts of confidence.

Brainstorm a list of quick personal activities that place you in a buoyant mood, and before a big potential "fear of failure" moment, actually try them out. If they work, tack it in the "Approved" pile. If it doesn't, scrap it.

An additional tip: the facial feedback hypothesis theorizes that the physiological act of smiling -- your muscles turning your lips upwards and tightening the skin around your eyes (that's a Duchenne smile) -- will affect your mental processes, and make you happier. 

So smile, find an excuse to laugh, mime your future actions, exercise those mirror neurons, dammit, and do it over and over again. When a friend asks you how you feel, respond, "I feel like a champion"; when someone at a party asks you what you majored in, tell them, "I majored in unafraid." Walk into a situation already smirking, and the rest, you'll find, will flow much easier.

3. Find positive people who will encourage you.

I think this is the most important point by far. A lone cyclist almost never does as well than if he races with a team (even removing wind drag effects), and there's a reason why superheroes have sidekicks. Find a wingman or wingwoman who is caring, outgoing, and resilient, and who you like enough that you want to see him or her succeed as well. 

The great thing about surrounding yourself with positive people is that it's both a local and global effect: you'll develop better cadences in life knowing people else has your back, and you'll be more joyful in the short-term because of their presence. Not only will they provide a home base to come back to after a failure (for sympathy) or success (for affirmation), but more importantly, they will push you to do things you normally wouldn't have the courage to do. Namely, they'll help you get over your fear of failure in whatever realm it is.

Right now, it's 3 p.m. in Manila, and looking over the city on the 23rd floor of my office building, there's large-and-in-charge billboard that says, "Lucky Me!" That's a positive environmental cue right there, and what it's telling me, in no uncertain terms, is that the world is my oyster. Yours too. So out there and do it!

(Posted first on Quora, but really written for this blog. Will keep expanding with more and better points, my goodness!)

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