Is Homemade Candy on Your Holiday To-Do List? If So, Think Again

Everyone knows you can’t give out homemade Halloween candy. If you try to, it will be mysteriously injected with poison, and children will die.1

But most people don’t realise that the same applies to Christmas.

Ever since the Dark Ages, that is, the 1950’s, strangers have been poisoning children. This is why children do not accept candy from strangers. For instance, have you ever tried to give a candy to a child, say, at the neighbourhood bus stop? All the children around will mob you and beat you with their school books until you are dead,2 because they know that strangers are inherently evil. We learned this in Year 1 of Primary School (the slow kids learned it in Year 2 or 3). It is a well-known fact that besides poisoning them, strangers kidnap children, break their pencils, and make them work long hours in factories where they manufacture sweat (no sweets, just sweat).

But while Strangers are inherently evil, Companies are always benevolent, since all they really care about are profits. Strangers enjoy torturing children, but companies only want to sell things to them, which, when you think about it, is the epitome of virtue and charity. If that’s not a clear delineation between good and evil, I don’t know what is.

Regardless of your Stranger Status, the big thing about homemade candy is that it yields to poison more readily than manufactured candy. Any given home has a plethora of poisonous things in it, such as household cleaning products (like bleach and ammonia), paint thinner, and illegal drugs. Factories, on the other hand, have far less3 poisonous things like high fructose corn syrup, artificial colours and flavours, and industrial cleaning products (like bleach and ammonia). In a home, it’s easy to slip in a few of these “special ingredients” without your children noticing, whereas factories have cameras that show the entire process on YouTube so any child can tell if they’re putting bleach4 in the jelly beans.

Also, the packaging. In factories, the packaging is perfect, flawless, with nary an entryway for any foreign substance, even those simple aluminium foil wrappers. At home, the packaging is always poorly done. Even if you are not technically a Stranger, and thus not completely evil, you are bound to mess up the packaging of your homemade candies. Your waxed paper corners aren’t perfectly crisp, you nick one with the edge of a knife, and suddenly there’s an entryway for Poison with a capital P. So even if you, a non-stranger, are not poisoning the candy, your candy will certainly be poisoned by the next stranger that enters your house sometime between Cooking Day and the Holidays, carrying their hypodermic needles with undetectable drams of mint-flavoured lethal injections.

And all these reasons are just as valid for Christmas as they are for Halloween, which is why a growing number of law enforcement agencies are cracking down on people who give out homemade candy at Christmas.

But there’s one more reason why homemade candy is evil.

And it’s a big one.

I mean, BIG.

. . .

The final reason why you are not allowed to give out homemade candy, even to friends and relations, is perhaps the most important of all. Far more important than fatal poisonings, dying children, broken pencils. . . It’s because it’s bad for The Economy.

“Toicon-icon-flat-shadows-poison (Icon from the collection “shady-adventure”),” by Shannon E Thomas/ CC BY 4.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

  1. Children will die anyway, but that’s beside the point.
  2. Trust me, I know.
  3. But not necessarily fewer.
  4. Not to mention artificial flavours.

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