Spectral Quandaries

There’s a lot about ghosts I don’t understand. Like, how do they still have their clothes?

Do ghosts think Halloween is racist against ghosts? You know? Is wearing a sheet the equivalent of black-face to a ghost? Like a ghost minstrel show?PickleGhost

Why aren’t there any monkey ghosts? And would a monkey ghost be as cute and charming as a living monkey?

What’s the appropriate amount of time to wait from when a spouse dies to try to have sex with his/her ghost? You know, rock that ectoplasm? “Til’ death do us part,” is a convention of the close minded. If my spouse comes a-haunting, I would like to make sure that we’re still simpatico. Maybe ghost/human sex is the best thing ever, but also, I don’t want to freak out the freshly dead. So how long should we give our dead partners to transition before lighting some candles, putting on some Luther Vandross, and letting nature take its course. Also, do I have to worry about pregnancy or STDs with ghosts? I don’t want ghost-Herpes.

What’s funnier, a ghost dressed like a wizard or a fat ghost in an ill-fitting shirt and Daisy Dukes? (That’s my mom asking. She smokes a lot of weed.)

If I want to be a ghost should I just have a lot of unfinished business? Like maybe start a bunch of craft projects and leave them in a closet? I’m not sure if I’m righteous enough to go “up” so to speak, but I certainly don’t want to go to Hell, so maybe I should split the difference. (I just wrote that and realized I was okay with writing “Hell” but squeamish about writing “Heaven”. Sorry, just a weird insight into my madness.)

Ghosts never seem to pal around with each other.
Ghosts never seem to pal around with each other ghosts. There’re hotels that have like a baker’s dozen ghosts but none of them make friends.

If there’s a ghost in my bedroom masturbating, should I politely let him/her finish or is more polite to turn on a porno? There have to be people who died in the middle of sex or while masturbating and BOOM, heart attack. Isn’t that the epitome of unfinished business?

Do ghosts use the bathroom? Elvis died on the toilet, so is he locked in eternal poo?

What’s the point of ghost hunters? “Well, we did it, we saw a ghost. Huh? Oh, no, we don’t have the means to bust the ghost or really do anything with it. It’s just there. Ghost, consider yourself hunted.”

If we get to keep your clothes when we die (again, you never see a naked ghost), should I start dressing like Spider-Man all the time just in case?

That’s a nice bookend. People would lose their mind if they saw a Spider-Man ghost. Are there any questions about ghosts I’m missing?


Add yours →

  1. So, we invented ghosts, spirits, whatever, so we could believe that we’re special (surely we don’t up and die and it’s over, right?). But what about the mortality of ghosts? Are we supposed to believe THEY can just keep on truckin’? Seems kinda naïve doesn’t it? So, when ghosts die, do some of them stick around as uber-ghosts? Are ghosts haunting our ghosts? Do they keep their clothes, too? Shit’s gotta be getting pretty ragged at that point. The ghosts haunting us are sad because they’ve got ghosts haunting them. And it’s just starting to dawn on them that there’s a chance that they’re not ever going to get to be done ghosting. That’s enough to make you groan and shake a chain or two, I think.


  2. Wouldn’t monkey ghosts just throw ghostly feces? Nothing charming about monkeys, dead or alive.


  3. I wish I could find a ghost.

    Stupid boring real world.


  4. I wouldn’t want a monkey ghost in my house. Throwing monkey ghost poo everywhere and at my friends. I wonder if ghost poo or farts stink? Ghost farts would explain the stinky elevators.


  5. If I’m a ghost, then I want to be like Clarence in It’s A Wonderful Life. Or I want Clarence to show up to help me when I’m in trouble. I ain’t afraida no ghosts.


    • I remember now that Clarence isn’t a ghost. He’s a guardian angel. I couldn’t carry on with my work for the evening without correcting my confusion or confusing my correction. Last week, someone accused me of being an angel. I hope the person wasn’t thinking along the lines of Victoria’s Secret. I purchase my undies from VS, but they aren’t the bright red thongs and the garters and all that. VS has very comfortable cotton granny panties. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.



  6. Greetings my Pickle type friend,

    I’m pawing on behalf of my alleged human. I like your spirited post, even though I could see right through it. You ponder a lot about ghosts. My alleged human, Gary, tells me that when he has sex with a ghost that no lubricant is required.



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