Open Mouth Chewers

I can’t think of any mother that did not tell their child a thousand times to chew with their mouth closed. In the event that you’re the one person who was never told this … I’m telling you now:

Nobody wants to see the slimy, half-eaten, nasty mess in your mouth while you’re eating … so close your fucking mouth while you chew!

Every kid is taught this. If you say you weren’t … you are a fucking liar! People who chew with their mouth open have made a conscious decision to no longer be human beings. I’m sure there are a myriad of reasons that may drive a person to decide that this is an acceptable behavior but I’m guessing the main one is a big “F.U.” to their mother for always nagging them about it.

“I’m an adult now and I can do what I want! So … I’m gonna chew with my mouth open and you can’t do anything about it!”

Yes … you are really getting back at Mom now, aren’t you!? Many of you can’t understand why you’re still single? Maybe because you eat like a fucking animal and no woman wants to be around that. Even Helen Keller would turn away in disgust!

Chewing with your mouth open has got to be one of the most disgusting behaviors I can think of. (Picking your nose and eating it is probably number one … and yes … people do that. I’ve witnessed it sitting at a stoplight. Apparently people don’t think we can see through a car window!?) Not only is viewing the masticated mess in your mouth disgusting but there’s a very good chance that half-chewed food particles will fly out of your mouth while chewing … and God knows where they’ll land. FYI … if you are sitting across from me at a dinner table … you sure as shit better chew with your mouth closed because if any food particles from your mouth land on my plate … we are going to have a problem!

Aside from the chance that half eaten food will fly out of your mouth, there is also the abhorrent sounds created by chewing with your mouth open. The slimy sound of the saliva enveloping the food. The obnoxiously loud crunching. The smacking of lips. People actually lose their shit over the sound of people eating with their mouth open. It’s called Misophonia. It’s a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses. People’s reactions can range from anger and annoyance to panic and the need to flee.

To my knowledge, I do not suffer from Misophonia because I don’t feel the need to flee. I DO have the urge to say:

“Close your mouth, you fucking pig! Watching you eat is making me lose my appetite!”

… but I think that’s just because I’m an intolerant asshole.

There are always some of you do-gooders who always want to try and defend someone or their actions and will say:

“Maybe the person’s nose is clogged and they can’t help it?”

My answer to you is …too fucking bad! Have some common decency for the rest of us and eat alone in your house if you can’t breath with your mouth closed. Why should everyone else have to be repulsed by your open mouth chewing because you’ve got a cold? Drink a fucking protein shake! Think of someone other than yourself … for once. If I have IBS, does that mean it’s alright for me to fart at the table while everyone’s eating? NO! You have to be considerate of other people.

Next time you’re eating, pay attention and determine if you are an open mouth chewer. If you discover you are … just know you’re an utter disappointment to your mother … and work on closing your fucking mouth when you eat.