Grandma Tessie’s homestyle peanut butter and jelly sandwich recipe

Few sandwiches are more satisfying than the good ol’ PB & J. Whether it’s packed for a picnic, taken along to work, or just enjoyed at home, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is an All-American comfort food that hits the spot in any situation!

My favorite version of this scrumptiously simple sandwich has been a part of my family legacy for as long as anyone can remember. Grandma Tessie learned this recipe from her mother, a first generation Polish immigrant who, in turn, had learned it from her mother. Although the trail ends there, it’s fun to think that somewhere in the rural hills outside of Warsaw there’s an entire village of friendly Europeans who’ve been passing this same recipe down from generation to generation for ages untold! I’d like to visit someday and compare notes!

A single whiff of that peanutty, juicy aroma plugs in the time machine. One bite–the bread forcing out a burst of delicious filling as it temporarily resists my teeth before finally giving in–and I’m rocketing back to the early nineties, to a summer afternoon in Grandma Tessie’s tiny kitchen, watching the cat clock on the wall swish its tail and sweep its eyes as I dine on PB&J while my grandmother mixes up a batch of cookies, a gentle fan breeze caressing the top of my left cheek through the loose butt flap on my Rocko’s Modern Life jammies.

You’re halfway through reading my rambling bullshit nobody fucking cares about, so this is the point in the recipe where the screen fades and an obnoxious ad stops you in your tracks until you give me your email address or somehow find and click on the tiny X in the corner. Luckily for you I’m too lazy to recreate this experience purely for satire’s sake. Here, pretend:


I know what you’re thinking: any scrub with a butter knife can whip up a half decent peanut butter and jelly! You’re not wrong! Claiming the garden variety PB&J is just as good as Grandma Tessie’s, however, is like voting for a useless reality TV star instead of a seasoned politician in a presidential election. This sandwich is different. It’s sublime. It’ll stick to the roof of your mouth, tantalizing you with undulating waves of rippling pleasure that jolt your loins as your tongue desperately attempts to scrape it away lest you succumb entirely.

That’s because it’s made with one ingredient most people forget when making what they dismiss as “just a simple sandwich.” That ingredient, ladies and gentlemen, is love–although in this case the extra herbs and spices certainly don’t hurt!

Grandma Tessie’s Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

  • Two slices of plain white bread, crusts removed
  • A heaping mound of peanut butter, smooth only
  • A voluminous pile of strawberry jelly
  • 1/2 tsp of paprika
  • 1/2 tsp of cardamom
  1. Frown at your screen in annoyance because you weren’t expecting the final two ingredients. Will it still work without one or both of them? You have no idea, but you suspect they’re in there for a reason. Schlep off to the nearest market to spend approximate $17 on two tiny bottles of ground up bullshit.
  2. Lay one slice of bread flat on a plate. The side with the larger holes should be facing upward for maximum penetration.
  3. Using a hundred-year-old butter knife inlaid with mother-of-pearl in the handle, spread the peanut butter evenly across the top of this slice.
  4. Lay the second piece of bread beside the first, oriented the same way. Do not allow them to touch or fairies will raid your larder at midnight. Should you make this mistake, immediately dispose of your failed sandwich and leave a bowl of milk out on your back porch as an offering to the local fae folk.
  5. Using a mortar and pestle, combine the paprika and the cardamom.
  6. Take this mixture and carefully apply it to your asshole. Use the pestle to carefully push the spice mix up into your sphincter.

    Alternately, panic because of course a recipe on the internet requires some fucking tool you don’t have. Evaluate whether you can achieve the same effect with your potato masher and a cereal bowl. Worry that you won’t be able to achieve the appropriate combination of gentle force and leverage required for proper penetration with your cheap ass IKEA masher. Try anyway. Fail, but soldier on.
  7. Place the second slice on top of the first, jelly side down.
  8. Enjoy!
  9. Go buy a cookbook because online recipes are frustrating bullshit.

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