Casino Quotes and Betting Jokes

Joke 1

Scott has a serious gambling problem. Every time he comes home his wife asks him how much money he’s lost at the casino. One night, Scott never comes home at all, and walks in the house at 9 in the morning.

His wife glares at him.

“I have something to admit,” Scott says quietly. “I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the barmaid. I’m sorry.”

His wife looks at him for a moment. Then she says, “Don’t give me that crap. How much did you lose at the dice table last night?”

Joke 2

A group from Chicago spends a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on the trip wins $100,000. He doesn’t want anyone to know about it, so he decides not to return with the others, but takes a later plane home—arriving back at 3 in the morning. He immediately goes out to the back yard of his house, digs a hole and plants the money in it. The following morning he walks outside and finds only an empty hole. He notices footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which is owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lives a professor who understands sign language and is a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man goes to awaken the professor and drags him to the deaf man’s house.

“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000 I’m going to kill him!” he screams at the professor.

The professor conveys the message to his friend, and his friend replies in sign language, “I hid it in my back yard, underneath the cherry tree.”

The professor turns to the man with the gun and says, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”

Joke 3

A successful businessman flies to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He loses the shirt off his back and has nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket—if he can just get to the airport he can get himself home!

So he goes out to the front of the casino where there is a cab waiting. He gets in and explains his situation to the cabbie. He promises to send the driver money from home, he offers him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie says, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman is forced to hitch-hike to the airport and barely gets there in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returns to Vegas and this time wins big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he goes out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck! The businessman thinks for a moment about how he can make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hits on a plan.

The businessman gets in the first cab in the line and says, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

“Fifteen bucks,” comes the reply.

“And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?”

“What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab!”

The businessman get into the back of each cab in the long line and asks the same questions, with the same result. When he gets to his old friend at the back of the line, he gets in and asks, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabbie replies, “Fifteen bucks.”

The businessman says “OK,” and off they go. Then, as they drive slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gives a big smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.

Joke 4

Bookie: A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.

Joke 5

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Joke 6

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

“Will you buy booze with it?” the man asks.

“No,” the bum says.

“Will you gamble with it?” the man asks.

“No,” the bum says.

“Will you come home with me so I can show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”


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