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Boris 4 Trump 4ever, the Posh and Becks split and Elie Saab's palm print kaftan

Pssst. Pssst. I'm over here. No not there, that's a hat stand. Over here. This reporter's dressed up as a pot plant. Yes. Here I am. A stroke of genius wouldn't you say? This is the palm print kaftan by Elie Saab - perfect attire for flying under the radar.

You see, I want to find out what is going on behind that door. Put one on and you can join me. You will. Ah yes, you look marvellous, very pot-planty. Are you ready?

Now, before we enter, just remember one key thing. Stealth.

Media outlets have been rife with the news that popular culture's original super couple, Victoria and David Beckham have split up. Posh and Becks - arguably the trailblazers of the "modern power couple" who made it evident back in the 90's that there was no finer way to achieve real super stardom than the amalgamation of two famous types together in a 'loving, committed' marriage (a brand of extended-Andy Warholism since taken up by the likes of Beyonce and J-Zay, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) of course deny all rumours they are seeking divorce.

A spokesperson for the couple said there is no statement due or divorce. "This is just fake social media news. This is all very bizarre and an embarrassing waste of time."

It is unclear exactly where the rumours of the split began but there are distant rumblings that David Beckham has been playing away again, shall we say. But whether these are new allegations or it is a case of an old press release about the Rebecca Loos affair finding its way by accident back into a reporter's in-tray and causing a whole heap of confusion, we cannot be sure.

Meanwhile bookmakers Paddy Power have decided to suspend all bets on the separation between Posh and Becks and many a tabloid newspaper has been posting 'Best Of' couple shots of the Beckhams "in happier times" much in the manner of the leaving VT of a Big Brother house reject.

The stylish pair have been spotted at many a fashion show together over the weekend to try and quash the rumours but this reporter would argue Katie Price and Peter Andre put on very much a united front at a soft play area in Lewisham before they declared "arrivederci" and let's not forget their marriage vows had been sanctified with a recording of "A Whole New World".

Meanwhile Boris Johnson has found his own dirty laundering - including his "I love Trump forever" boxer shorts - aired in public over the weekend, after a tape recording of a speech he made at a Conservative dinner was leaked to all and sundry. But understand when we say "leaked" we actually mean recorded by aid of Boris' secret pen dictaphone and then parcelled up in a brown paper envelope and posted off to Buzzfeed's news desk by Boris' own fair hand.

In the intentionally controversial speech to campaign group Conservative Way Forward, Boris talks of his increasing admiration for American President Donald Trump, stating there is actually "method in his madness" and if Trump was in charge of Brexit he would "go in bloody hard".

This reporter is trying to recall who it was who said Boris Johnson was actually a British version of Donald Trump, just with better hair. Answers on a postcard please. Unless it was all a dream (or more accurately, a nightmare).

Boris wasn't done yet. He also decided to tackle the insurmountable problem of the hard border between the Republic and Northern Ireland. Disregarding the danger that any border down the island of Ireland would reverse the hard fought and still tentative reign of peace there, BoJo insisted all fears about the border were out of proportion and "pure millennium bug stuff".

"It's so small and there are so few firms that actually use that border regularly. It's just beyond belief that we're allowing the tail to wag the dog in this way. We're allowing the whole of our agenda to be dictated by this folly".

Critics have branded Johnson "utterly shameless" and have called yet again for his resignation. This reporter is pretty certain that in BoJo's mind, BoJo is the only one speaking any kind of sense.

A dog approaches and cocks its leg...
Code nine alert, code nine alert. What's code nine you ask? For goodness sake, didn't you get a copy of This Reporter's Emergency Handbook? It means we've been rumbled. Abort mission at speed. Abort mission at speed.

"Hey you two, pot plants, come back. I've got something for you", calls a red-faced man with haystack hair.


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