I know too much. I'm probably a dead man.

So I get in the elevator to ride up to the fifth floor and a large woman I have never seen before gets on with me.

To me, the extent of conversation in an elevator with a person you don't know should be, at most, "What floor?" followed by a response consisting of a monosyllabic word, preferably a number, and then a button push on my part.

But no.

The split-second the doors close, she starts talking.

Here is the conversation, as it happened:

Me: "4th?"

Her: "Yes. please. Oh my God, I hope I can function today. I only got one hour's sleep last night. My daughter called as soon as I went to bed, and I ended up at the hospital because she was having contractions. I told her they were just going to send her home but no, she had to go anyway. They kept her there almost the entire night."

She pauses, then leans toward me a little bit, and gives me the conspiratorial whisper "She was scared, because last week she had some spotting."

Luckily, the elevator responded to my silent prayer of "ohjesuspleasegofasterpleasegofastergofaster" and the doors opened on the 4th floor and she got out.

I'm still dazed.


  1. Anonymous10:43 PM

    Holy shit this woman was in the elevator at my office three days ago. Maybe there's some kind of scientific study going on?

  2. Anonymous5:22 AM

    Spotting is scary. I hope all went well for her daughter's baby.

  3. Time to start wearing your headphones in the elevator again.

    And have the music up LOUD.

  4. Anonymous8:24 AM

    I can not under any circumstance tolerate talk of spotting, or spots, whether it's due to incontinence, monthly cycles or babies. But from a stranger in the elevator is absolutely horrific. I would have called security.

  5. Ew! TMI, lady! A month ago a lady got on the elevator with me and ONE FLOOR later I knew that her father had remarried some whore half his age who wanted the kids to call her mom, but they were all, "You're not my mom, whore!" I actually-for a second-wondered if maybe I knew her and just wasn't remembering who she was because I couldn't believe how much personal info she was telling me.

    We need to make up a word for that-when people you don't know corner you in an elevator and share too much.

  6. Someone who had some authority over me--so I had to listen and not tell her to get lost--described to me the mucus in her, um, stool.

  7. ya shoulda started talking about your daughters yeast infection and how her mom has no idea because she didn't want her to know that she was having sex with her boyfriend. I mean, she's going into high school in two years anyway and there's medicine for the herpes but still...


    Sympathize b/c you got a call from your uncle in Florida just called. Your aunt went to her sisters, found her dead and fell faint from the shock. She broke her hip and lay there for about three days. She may never walk again...


    You received a letter from a father you never knew. You were really raised by your mom's brother. And you though it was really weird how they slept in the same bed and are now questioning your younger brother's parentage.

    I could go on. Reflecting pain is always better then passive discretion...

  8. The word for someone who tells you way to much information about themselves is menami. The true definition can be found here

  9. Wow, footprint nailed it...menami. I think I would have turned so red someone would call 911 and ask me if I was alright.

  10. Man! Can you say TMI??? I know you can...

  11. Anonymous11:00 PM

    are you riding the service elevator or something?

    I never get any whack jobs like this... dude, you have to work on your Tourette's impressions.

  12. Anonymous2:58 PM

    What are your comments on James Frey the liar.

  13. didn't read it, don't care.