llewej irol (icarianbird) wrote,
llewej irol

Have you ever just wanted so badly to physically shake someone as if you could shake sense into them somehow? That's how I feel right now. I tried asking my now ex-boyfriend why he he's been avoiding me. We were friends before, played games together ALL the time, and now he avoids me like the plague. I wanted to know what I did wrong to make everything so weird, but the only thing I can get out of him is that I did nothing wrong. Well, if I did nothing wrong, why in the world does he seem to pretend as if I don't exist? Is this some kind of mechanism to protect himself from any latent feelings he may or may not have for me? I mean the relationship just kinda dissolved slowly after I saw him in August. It was like all my pretty-shiny wore off and he didn't feel like playing with me anymore.

I'm not mad about that. I'm mad about the half-ass lies that he told at the end to keep me from going up there to visit. I'm mad about the frustration that he causes me because I can't even get a decent answer when I ask him a question. I would be okay if he just flat out told me he thought I was dog-ugly or some psychotic bitch. I'd rather know that instead of "I just don't feel the same way." That hurts and goes back into making me wonder how I went from the most awesome girlfriend ever who he couldn't go a day without talking with to someone that he just doesn't care about anymore. Am I just so easy to discard?

Okay, so I'm probably not helping the situation by going back up there next weekend for my birthday, but I was asked by both his friends to visit again because they think I'm great. I want to have a good time. I want to party. All my friends here are married and/or have kids. They have obligations and can't have all the fun I want to since I'm single and have no kids. I want to drink, maybe get kinda drunk, and just do stuff I wouldn't do around here for fear of the backlash. Small towns are like that, you know? I want to go somewhere and dance my ass off. I want to flirt with guys I don't know and just generally have the times I never had when I was a teenager/in college. I want to do it because I'm running out of time. I woke up on Thanksgiving and came to the realization that the sum of my entire life is nil. I have done absolutely nothing with the time that has been given to me and have nothing fun to show for it. I avoided parties. I didn't go out because I wanted to stay home, stay safe. I'm pretty sure that I'm probably never going to get married and have kids (it just seems impossible really since I only draw losers and psychos) and so why can't I just have a good time?

I'm just so fed up with my life as it is right now. I mean, it's a good life. I do good things. I work a pretty great job and really love my family. I'm just really lost. I'm not happy. I want to be happy, but I'm not. I've made some changes, of course. I'm going to karate now and really enjoying that. I'm trying to do more things if and when possible. I just keep seeing myself spiral into oblivion and there's nothing there. It'll be my brothers kids taking care of "crazy aunt Lori" when I'm old (if he has any) rather than my own. I don't necessarily want to have kids, but that thought just kinda makes me sad. Who's gonna take care of me when I need it? Who do I get to hug when I'm sad? Who do I get to share my life with? I'm lonely and tired of my boring life.

Of course, this could all be a reflection of the fact that my hormones are on high right now and I may not feel this way in a week or two, but I've been feeling this way for like a month now and I don't think it's going to go away. I love the safe aspect of my life, but I'm tired of being lonely and feeling like I'm some sort of second-class person. My life is a third of the way over and I've accomplished nothing.

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