Pretty Little Liars Recap: Cutting Ties With a Psychopath Isn't Easy

To be clear, Ali is the psychopath.
Pretty Little Liars
ABC Family

Everyone is fed up with Alison's lying, hooray! Am I the only person who still wishes Alison was dead? The group dynamic has been off ever since she was unearthed, and I generally don't appreciate her self-serving duplicity. Things come crashing to a halt this week, and Alison is makes a decision that ruins her credibility with the rest of the group.

Outfit of the Week

This week's mess cannot be contained in a single accessory. The show's stylist seems to have set their sights on Spencer this week in the wake of Aria's anemic storylines and barely-there presence. Spencer has had some questionable outfits in the past but mostly sticks with uptight WASP-y style classics, so when she veers off course, she really looks like someone who should be in Radley full-time. Look at this outfit:

ABC Family

Is she auditioning to be the next Doctor Who? Did her dad buy Muammar Gaddafi's wardrobe on a lark? Is there really room for a tie here? This is a lot of look. The long paramilitary vest gives major colonialist vibes, but the epaulets are what really send this around the corner to Crazy Town. I'm not the world's most fashionable person, but I was present in Home Ec the day Mrs. Smith taught us that if you are wearing leggings as pants, you don't need epaulets anywhere near your body. Homegirl on the bike cannot get away from this outfit fast enough, and Hanna took one look at Spencer and literally ran away.

Also, Caleb wore a velvet collar on a denim shirt so Jesus, take the wheel! for the rest of this season's wardrobe.

Get Out of Jail Maybe Card

We finally learn more about Cyrus Petrillo this week, the blond relative of Frankenstein's monster who confessed to a crime he didn't even commit last week. The girls are not pleased when Alison tells Lt. Tanner she's not sure if Cyrus was the guy who took her; not only is she lying through her teeth about this kidnapping story, but if Tanner finds out her story is fake, it will probably expose their connection to Shana's murder, Ezra being shot, and the fact that they've been lying about being in New York. Ali thinks she can get Cyrus to lead them to A if he gets out of jail, but she has ulterior motives: In a series of quick flashbacks, we learn that Alison actually does know Cyrus, and they were together in some hand-holding capacity when she was on the run. There's always another layer with her, and that layer is usually coated in lies.

The cops can only hold Cyrus for 48 hours and Alison does a good job stalling while trying to figure out what she wants to do, but she's driving everyone else crazy in the meantime. She tells Emily that Cyrus is the one who gave her the gnarly scar on her leg; they were hanging out together in some underground bunker for runaways, and he sliced her up in order to steal her bag full of money. I can absolutely believe that Alison is naïve enough to get robbed, but I cannot believe that someone hung up oil paintings in the otherwise bombed-out space or that Alison changed into pajamas to go to bed every night.

Can Spencer Keep a Secret?
Everyone is skeptical when Spencer decides to keep Noel's insurance policy — the pictures and recordings of Alison meeting with Shana when she was supposed to be kidnapped — in her house, probably because the door has never been locked once in the entire five seasons the show has been on TV. Spencer's house is like Grand Central Station! A has been floating in and out of that place like a ghost since day one, and even managed to lock Spencer in her own shower. Remember last week when Noel beat her to her own lake house and hid under a sheet to try to get his stuff back? It's impossible for Spencer to hide anything, anywhere.

Regardless, she brings the loot to her house, and when she goes to put it in the secret box built into her recliner, the medical recording Alison gave her is already missing. Melissa shows up like a ghoul just in time to make Spencer suspicious that she's the one behind this, but she gets a call with someone playing the tape on the phone to her, and a text from A saying "check mate." A is behind the theft, but Melissa could definitely still be working with them. I mean, the hidden chair box was in full view when she walked in, and she didn't even bat an eye.

Later on, Spencer uses her spy camera to show Aria that Melissa gave a dude some sort of package one night and said, "Do it, trust me, do it" in the most comically over-exaggerated way possible. She thinks the guy was Cyrus, which would make Melissa A for sure, but when Spencer confronts her about looking at flights out of the country, Melissa is like, "Alison is toxic. I just did this out of sisterly concern." Nice try, Melissa! Toby already pulled the "I did this for you" card when he joined the A-Team and ruined Spencer's life for a while.

I don't think Melissa is A. In light of Shana's death, she might have cut ties entirely, or just dipped in long enough to protect Spencer, but she doesn't have the wherewithal to plan and scheme so much. At heart, Melissa wants to live out her rich girl dreams with a guy who has an MBA and wears too much AXE; she doesn't have enough time to torment her little sister and her friends.

The Hanna and Caleb Fitness Collective

Hanna is getting her life back through exercise and healthy living, and forcing Caleb to do the same. She did the typical throw-out-everything-in-the-fridge move and he responded by being indignant about fried foods, but by the end of the episode, he had finally shaved his beard and combed his hair, so Hanna wins. She's definitely doing better than Aria, who is feeding her depressed mom pesto and mozzarella cheese on a plate like a dog instead of shoving pizza, fried chicken, and a parade of Toblerone into her face. Aria has nothing to do right now — she yelled at Ezra for talking to Ali and took down the decorations at The Brew — so there's no reason she can't step up her game and get to know every pizza delivery option in town.

Trying out for the solo in choir is also on Hanna's post-drunkenness bucket list, and Mona has the same idea. When Mona passes out during the auditions, Hanna sees Cyrus's mug shot in her bag and decides to follow her. Mona, sitting in her car in the town center, pulls out the scariest device I've ever seen — it's some sort of radar contraption that allows her to pull up and listen to any phone conversations within a certain radius, so that's how she hears Lt. Tanner call in, saying that Cyrus should be detained after Ali says yes, he was the one who kidnapped her. Alison went against the plan! She was supposed to stall the cops, then he'd be released and they could follow him to A. Instead, she flashed back to him robbing her, and seemingly tried to put him in jail retroactively for that crime.

Goddammit, Alison! You had one job.

Emily, Yes!
Instead of throwing herself into dangerous situations, Emily has been throwing herself into her new DO NOT MESS WITH ME™ lifestyle brand, and I could not be prouder. When Alison gets home, Emily is waiting to unleash the venom of 1,000 angry snakes on her. I love that Emily's way of expressing extreme anger is to go into full-on parenting mode and deploy the "You disappointed me!" face. Spencer made fun of her for it earlier in the episode, so it was a good call-back when it came full circle. She told Ali that she was angriest about having wasted time on her and that she knows Ali would throw them all under the bus for the sake of her own plans. Emily is done, and it looks like Ali has alienated every single one of her friends with her lies and deception.

In the end, Spencer tells the rest of the crew they have to cut ties with Alison right away, and it seems like everyone will go along with it. Melissa sat down to make a tell-all video for Spencer – what is she going to reveal?

Cyrus ultimately got out of jail right before they were going to book him, and he goes to the woods to meet with none other than Vivian Darkbloom! Alison has the damn nerve to get back into her alter ego, even though everyone knows it's her! She threatens Cyrus, and he threatens her back, saying he could have told the truth about her — what does he know about her that we don't, and does it have to do with her time away? The camera lingers too long on a "Bata Bata" bumper sticker, and then Cyrus drives away into the night while A folds hoodies and candy striper uniforms.

Will Ali actually be ostracized? How would that even look now that she's back in school? I guess we'll see next week.

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