Engagement puts strain on in-law relationship

Amy Dickinson
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Wedding rings and hand writing word wedding into calendar




She has talked down to me as if I'm a child, even though I own my own home and am succeeding in my career.

She has told us that we cannot afford a wedding, has belittled our relationship and has been unsupportive. Rude comments such as, "You only get married once... well, hopefully," have left me in tears time and time again. I don't dare be left alone with her anymore, as it usually results in her hurting my feelings severely.



Prior to our engagement, I would have called us "friendly." I understand that, to her, it feels like I am taking her youngest son from her. But I feel that she is making this situation even worse for herself by being controlling, overbearing and out of line. Help! — Stressed-out Bride

Dear Stressed-out: The comment, "You only get married once ... well, hopefully" is true. Maybe I'm missing the context that made you cry, but that is a true statement.

Your future mother-in-law sounds cynical about weddings. She should keep her cynicism to herself, and being honest about your own feelings beats blubbering in the corner.

Toughen up and make a determination not to be exposed to this condescension. If you don't want her involved in your wedding, then don't involve her. Discuss only matters that have to do directly with her.

You also need to figure out why your feelings are so tender that you don't dare be left alone with her. When you learn to respond — firmly and respectfully — she will adjust her attitude, or at least learn that the way she talks to you has consequences.

And you are not "taking her youngest son from her." You are marrying him. He is not a piece of property to be traded or fought over.


I ask her what is wrong, and she says "nothing." I feel like I am being held hostage, wondering what I did wrong.


Lately, she has had a lot of health issues and she seems to be miserable all the time. I have tried to take care of her as best I can, and she always tells me how much she loves me, but I can't remember the last time we had an intimate moment. We are both in our 60s.

I feel like I have lost my best friend and the love of my life. I just don't know what to do. — Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: You and your wife need to learn how to talk to each other.

Instead of asking your wife, "What's wrong" and taking "Nothing" as her answer, you should tell her how her behavior and attitude affects you.

Say, "You seem very unhappy, grouchy and angry lately. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong. I don't want to have such an angry marriage. Can we get back on track?" You should remind her that you are on her side.

She may tell you that when she doesn't feel well, she would rather not interact at all, but it is her responsibility to use her words.

Once you two start talking about your feelings, you should also talk about your sexual intimacy. Don't take your very long relationship for granted, and make a commitment to confront and work through your problems, even if it creates some uncomfortable moments for both of you.


Dear Lawyer: These two terms are sometimes used interchangeably, but yes, they are very different.


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