(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Aries the Bro-Ram

Yo, bro, today is the first day of the rest of your life. So stop puking in cabs. Seriously, it costs too much.

Taurus the Bull

You woke up happy today, because Lebron James and the Heat totally didn’t win the NBA Championship last night. Walk confidently, head in the air, and whatever your do, don’t get punched in the face by Michael Jordan.

Gemini the Creepy Twins

You are solely to blame for the weather we’ve been having. Do you have any idea how sticky I’ve been getting as I try to sleep at night? I can’t afford air conditioning on a CBS salary. Sometimes I start a cold bath to cool down. I’ve been so pruney… The stars and Venus suggest you avoid me and Michael Jordan until, let’s say, October, or you might get punched in the face.

Cancer’s Tortoise

Don’t leave the house for at least a week, someone might steal your tortoise.

Wait… you don’t have a tortoise? What is wrong with you?

This is a photo of Lance, a tortoise who went missing last weekend. (courtesy: Andy Lechner)

Leo the Lannister

You’re a jerk. Everyone says so. Ned Stark, in particular.

I miss Game of Thrones.



Libra the Lecherous

Listen, fine, whatever, we’ll admit it: it’s legal to have sex with 17-year-olds in Illinois. You’re still creepy. Venus highly advises you DON’T take nude pictures of the girl half your age though.

Scorpio Schmorpio, It’s Gay Pride

Go party.

Sagittarius, You Man-Horse You

You’re disenchanted with the horrendous politics of this city. “What more can they take away from the public?” you wonder. Police stations, mental health institutions… it’s all on the chopping block.

And now there are no more turkey legs at the Taste of Chicago. This is the definition of “the last straw,” Sagittarius. Get out there and do something about it.

(Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images)

Capricorn Cash Money Dolla Billz

You want to do something daring, like buy a trampoline, but you’re scared. If only your state tax return would come… (Who cares, buy that trampoline!)

Awkward Aquarius

You keep coming to CBSChicago expecting an article on mini pigs. Maybe a guide on how/where to buy them; a news post detailing a few breeders. But there never is one, is there? No, and there never will be.


Your cargo shorts and flip-flops make you look like a middle-schooler, bro. Have you tried looking good for a change, you bum?
