The Great War Between Man and Animal Is Coming, and We Need Allies

Otherwise we're doomed
This image may contain Animal Fish Shark Sea Life and Great White Shark

Over the weekend, a pair of sharks attacked a professional surfer while cameras were rolling. No big deal, right? Wrong. A few weeks before that, a grizzly bear in a Minnesota zoo picked up a 50-pound rock and used it to smash the glass barrier separating him and all the tasty little children. Meanwhile, the CDC recently announced that chickens are intentionally seducing their hipster owners, and using them as vessels to spread pestilence and potentially fatal tummy aches.

Sharks. Bears. Chickens. Lions. Alligators. Kitty cats. What do all of these animals have in common? All of them would have no qualms about snuggling close to us in bed before slitting our throats the moment we fell asleep.

Never mind Peak Oil. Or the nightmare earthquake that’s supposed to shred the West Coast. Or that Bush did 9/11. The great war between animal and man is drawing near, as exhaustively outlined in this very magazine's pages by John Jeremiah Sullivan. And we, humans, are royally screwed.

That is, of course, unless we make the right strategic alliances. Enlisting other animals to our side—which won’t be easy, because we are a terrible species and have centuries of atonement before us—should be a five-alarm priority for any candidate eyeing the White House in 2016. (I'm looking at you, Donald Trump.) Although this list is by no means exhaustive, here are the animals we need to recruit to the side of Team Human immediately.

Monogamous. Loyal. Noble. Ducks and their weird corkscrew penises would make valuable trusted allies. From a purely tactical standpoint, they can provide valuable airborne reconnaissance, and would be super fun to chill with. Besides, you know what animal wouldn’t be on the human side? Swans. Which is why we need ducks on our side, to lower the self-esteem of shitty-ass swans and their inflated egos.

Here’s a crazy theory: Sharks don’t really hate humans. I’d bet you two canteens of future freshwater that sharks are just misguided souls with terrible eyesight. (Which is why they keep mistaking us for seals.) Still, any warring nation needs a Naval Division, and it’s why sea turtles are going to be vital to our survival. Recently, a Florida man reportedly rode a sea turtle as he shot sharks with a speargun. And since whales would likely sit out the great Human vs. Animal war (which is a shame, really, mostly because I'll never get to ride a whale), turtles with their natural armor and whatnot are the next best thing.

Now... I’m not sure I trust dolphins. They’re too smart, too conniving, too smiley with their little teeth. I wouldn’t be surprised if dolphins were secretly harboring nukes. But that should not deter us from forming a strategic alliance with the dolphin kingdom, which is mighty and vast. But, again, we the human race need to be careful.

Raccoons are mad cool, my dudes. All they wanna do is get wasted, even going so far as to break into beer warehouses to do so. That means raccoons—with their adorable little face masks!—are ultra-talented spies, and would be able to break into enemy bases to steal us USB drives and iPhone chargers. (Plus, raccoons can tame alligators, and we’re definitely going to need help there.)

I’m hesitant to share this secret, but: All the evidence you need is within.

Pigs are super intelligent—maybe more so than dogs. Swine are so smart, in fact, that they can intelligently defuse human traps by sending out the weakest in their litter to set said trap off. And, if a pig were to perish heroically in battle, we could eat it. But we shouldn’t tell the pigs that this is part of our plan.

Moose are large, and we can hang stuff—cardigans, light jackets, tote bags—from their antlers as we march into battle.

Obviously. Going to war without eagles is like saying we’re going to war without weapons, clothes, or water. A fool's errand if there ever was one.