Just add water: the most ingenious diet yet



This was published 5 years ago

Just add water: the most ingenious diet yet

The world needs more diets, and this one is guaranteed to work for everyone.

By Joel Feren

There comes a time in every professional's career when you decide to join them, rather than beat them. Or at least try to trump them. "Them" being anyone who has ever peddled a diet or promised weight loss and wellness on an eating program.

Today I'm flipping the bird at science and conventional wisdom. Stuff evidence-based guidelines. If Gwyneth Paltrow​, Kim Kardashian​, Miranda Kerr, Miranda Kerr's mum, Pete Evans, the anti-sugar brigade (who, oddly, use high-sugar syrups to replace normal sugar) can create their own or endorse a particular diet, then why can't I? I, too, want to drive a nice car, live in a big home and have lovely things.

Water is a magic elixir.

Water is a magic elixir.

So, here goes. Today I announce my H₂O Diet*. It's ingenious. The diet simply involves drinking water. And lots of it. Why waste your time with food, let alone calorie counting? This diet is calorie-free. Rather than exclude just one food group, exclude all five. Water is all you will ever need on this diet plan. It is the magic elixir that can totally transform your body. In no time at all, you'll be staring into the mirror at a better and skinnier you. It will literally wash away the fat and the toxins from your body. You will be a fat-burning machine. And a lean muscle-burning machine, too. Why discriminate? It will all just evaporate.

I can't believe no one has thought of it before. Sorry, Dietitians Association of Australia and health professionals, but I thought of it first.

Never mind sugar, gluten, fructose, carbs, fat, vitamins and minerals; none of these are important when you are on the H₂O Diet. Most of them are toxic, anyway. And this diet is so damn easy. It's guaranteed to work, too. I don't need science to prove it. I just know that it does. Lose weight quickly, reduce your blood-sugar levels, triglycerides and cholesterol, and feel great. This diet is hassle-free and requires no juice blenders, meat tenderisers, pots or pans. Just a glass or some type of drinking vessel is all you'll need.

Think of how much money you'll save, too. No more supermarket expenses, no more wasting money at expensive restaurants or cafes. Going out for meals with your partner and mates is overrated anyway. Your bank balance and your waistline will thank you.

The results will speak for themselves. We might even recruit an investigative journalist who lives on fast food and soft drink to trial it, just to prove it to you. All other diets will pale by comparison.


Now, just a word of warning: there will be pesky dietitians and other health professionals who will try to persuade you not to go on this diet. They'll babble on about it being unsafe and unsustainable. They might even try to alarm you by telling you it will harm your unborn baby or newborn. But, please do not listen to them. They are only jealous that they didn't devise the H₂O Diet first. They might claim to have science on their side, but I can categorically state it will work for you. I have tried it and it worked for me. My sample study of one person surely must prove that this diet works. Randomised controlled trials and meta-analyses are all just gobbledygook anyway. I could even get celebrities to provide testimonies. Why would anyone ever doubt the word of a TV star? They are so much more attractive and, therefore, more trustworthy than scientists anyway.


So, who is with me?

Go from H₂-woe to H₂-wow in an instant. Cheers to that!

*Please DO NOT under any circumstances attempt this diet.

Anyone who can turn on a tap can follow this diet.

Joel Feren is a consultant dietitian.

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