“Doctor, My Eyes”

“…’Cause I have wandered through this world/And as each moment has unfurled/I’ve been waiting to awaken from these dreams…” (Jackson Browne)

This morning, just before the RINGING of the doorbell awakened me, I dreamt that I was with my mother and dead father in this house (I believe it was either in their bedroom, or in the kitchen)….my father must have been in his early 50’s, judging from my ‘view’ of his face (no grey hair) and the timbre of his voice….listening to him speak, I felt that I had never noticed how compassionate and kind he was (but WHY the sense of never having noticed this ‘before’ ?)…..I contorted my torso and neck in order to kiss him on his left cheek (it was an oddly difficult manoeuver), but I was able to kiss him (did I murmur: “I love you, Dad” ?)…….I felt like crying, felt acute sadness and REGRET………(I feel LOST)….






S: “Ron! Ron! Can you come here quick?!”

R: “Yes, Mom, what’s going on? What is it!?” [I was in my room and heard her yelling my name]

S: “Can you help me out of bed? I need to get a book out of the library!”………….

Love and weening








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The Question of LOVE: intro

Jo, I have been trying to reconstruct the context for the reason I asked whether what you feel for C. is “Love”. . .

I am certain it was a momentary (free-?) association: but such ‘riffs’ are not purely “free”. . .

that is just the quirk/fluke? of my brain: little sparks FLASH suddenly, linking or collaging 2 or 3 subjects, I blurt out my (hare-brained) question or response, and then it evaporates. . .

so it is difficult now to say precisely WHY or HOW such a touchy question came up. . .

We had been talking about Frankenstein (the novel), and how heart-breaking it was for you to try to re-read it under these conditions (life with a C.)— considering the creator’s initial revulsion towards his creature, and the latter’s agonies of rejection. . . AND both their FATES!!.. . .

Although I have a niece, and held her in my arms as she slept when she was an infant, I had almost NO contact with her as she grew up. . .

AND, when I lived in Liege, though I babysat for Terry Fox’s 6-year old daughter (‘way-back-when!!’), she was not my responsibility (after 6 or 7 hours, I could GO HOME). . .

My only experience of being a ‘parent’ (apparent?) has been the responsibility for 2 CATS: (both of which I: dearly LOVED;ADORED; DEPENDED-on; and, eventually, watched die). . . Yet my experiences are obviously NOT comparable to ‘having a C.’:

C. is YOUR ‘creation’/’creature’??—(anyway, literally!) Yes—this must have been the matrix (which is ‘mama’!)/birth of my question:

What IS it LIKE to be ‘in a relationship’ with/ to be response-able FOR/ to have given LIFE to such a creature as a C.?

. . . does the usual notion of LOVE even apply? Are you automatically overtaken by adoration, tenderness, respect, passion, kindness} for C.?

. . . Is it a need to: protect/to RESPOND to his need? . . .That is: IS it LOVE?
. . . or WHAT IS love??

Father Dreams:


Mata ne! Ron





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