This thread is a total wreck!

Big Smoke

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A train wreck, to be precise!

I'm gonna name Link "Ol' Chuffy".

"In the beginning, the people followed the spirits of good, and everyone wore clothes that made them look as if they were naked."

"But that era of implied nudity soon came to an end."

"The evil glowy eyes descended from the sky and made everything bad."

"The war that ensued seemed to last an eternity, and much blood was shed. Most of it went into this painting, because red paint is really pricey as of late, and retirement pay is really bad for ex pirates."

"Finally, the spirits subdued the glowy eyes by throwing milk at them. The eyes, being lactose intolerant, were sorely beaten by the forces of good."

"Then they built a bunch of rails on top of the evil and hoped that would be good enough to seal all the evil and drama forever. This being a Zelda game, however, means that it was not."

"The spirits then made sure that the lock that kept everything imprisoned was a very gaudy and attention-drawing tower, to make sure every villain seeking to unleash the evil would know exactly where to strike."

Yeah, thank you Niko, that was great. Really. It's like, you're the reincarnation of Edgar Allan Poe, only as a balding swashbuckler in retirement.

Ol' Chuffy is a man of 42
He likes to think about trains and to hang out with little girls. He hopes he will get to do both on this adventure.

He also sleeps on the ground.
He had to sell his bed to afford ear plugs, because his roommate talks about ancient evils all day.
Ear plugs are very expensive in Hyrule, because Hyruleans have very strangely shaped ears.

Eh, come on, that's a little harsh. You were pretty great in The Wind Waker, and an inspiration to underdogs and blue-collar workers everywhere. You're a damn hero, man! Show a little pride!

WHAT?!? Oh my god, where are my pants?!?

Oh shit, its Alfonzo! My boss who looks exactly like the guy my former incarnation met on that pirate ship, which I dont know because I am not my former incarnation!

If I did know, I would probably be very confused now, and ask him a thousand questions, alienating him, and making him fire my ass.

"Why are you still here, Ol' Chuffy? You creepy old fart! Why won't you die already and leave everyone alone?!?

Oh, I mean hi!"

Now he is strangling me.
At least the man gets straight to the point.

You know, it is really strange that a reincarnation of link is born so soon after another.

I mean, Niko is still alive. He must remember the old link. But somehow he doesnt find it strange that his roommate looks exactly like some guy who worked for him when he was young.

Unless this Link is somehow the son of old link, which uh, would mean that this Zelda and this Link are most likely related.

"Today is the day you graduate from apprentice to official train engineer.

That means Alfonzo can throw you onto the rails and make it look like an accident. Be careful!"

"Use the stylus to touch... never mind. I think it's better if you don't touch anything. I don't like how you're looking at those girls."

"To talk to someone or use an object, just tap...

NO! I refuse to read this dialogue to someone like you! You're creepy!

You know what? Just get out of my face already! Tutorial done!"

This is our fancy menu. It doesnt look too fancy right now.

Let's check out the map. This is the most exciting part.

YES! You can draw on the maps again! That is awesome! Best thing in the game right here, everything else has just become unimportant.

Smashing some pottery according to good old family tradition. That old coot Niko has a surprisingly sturdy head.

Unfortunately, you can't interact with this portrait here.

Or maybe that is for the better, since Niko would surely talk your ear off about his swabbie and all the adventures involving swinging on ropes, piling up boxes, and having to sift through grown men's underwear.

Wait, I do have a bed?!?

Wow, that actually makes my life a whole lot better than that of my Twilight Princess incarnation! My heart goes out to the goddesses.

Ok, nothing in this house seems to be interactive, so I better go to my scheduled train accide... graduation exam!

And so I managed to exit the house. I feel pretty accomplished already. Not sure if I really need to bother with that whole "save the world" crap that is sure to follow in a while.

Big Smoke

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All right! Time to get going. But first, let's have ourselves some morning routine.

This is what having no bathroom in your house reduces you to. You need to jump into the merciless water to wash up.

Yep, we in Aboda Village start each day with one heart less.

Raaaah!!! Birds! Shoo! Shoo! GRRR!!! Oh wait, who's that over there?

Ok, I'm not entirely sure how these two things are related, but whatever floats your boat, man.


...or fuels your train, I guess?

What, you mean the one with the bees?

Sure, that doesn't seem like something that could potentially go wrong.



Aaand, I narrowly escaped with my life.

I think I need medical attention...

Pottery, I know we don't always get along, but please, I'm dying! Please save me!

Oh thank Farore, I won't have to die yet!

This is great. First Alfonzo and now this bee jerk! Why does everyone in this hellhole want me dead?!?

Let's just go somewhere else.

Not good!

The last time she did that, I fell for it, and that's how the rumors started.

Not falling for it this time.

This house with the creative gardening looks much more inviting anyway.

Oh hi, ma'am.

I'm not sure about that, but at this point I'm willing to accept everything that gets me as far away from Alfonzo's murderous ass as possible.

Really? That seems like a tremendous waste of time that would be better invested in politics. But I guess it gives me an opportunity to meet the princess. She might be hot. Or maybe she is my sister? I don't know, this is all so confusing.

Wait, there is a Princess who could be my sister, there's an old man in my life who was once the mentor of someone who might as well be my father, I am currently an apprentice of sorts, and people are trying to murder me for reasons that are beyond my comprehension.


Dear goddess, I hope I get to have a lightsaber later on!

This house is boring otherwise, so I'll leave the good woman be.


I need to stay out of there.

This guy looks harmless enough.

No, not really. What I noticed though is that the town is crawling with PEOPLE WHO ARE OUT FOR MY BLOOD!!

Anyway, why do you ask?


And I'm the one getting ostracized here? This isn't fair.

Oh goodie!


Nobody in Aboda Village has a stamp book, and this station makes sure to remind everyone who passes by.

People frequently break down in sadness and have to leave the Village. Only the ones too crazy to be affected remain.

You know, suddenly everything in this village makes sense.

Lucky. It never hurts to have some extra cash, especially when you have to post bail because the police just won't listen to a thing you say.

Just passing through! Leave me alone!

This post box is strange.

I wonder if it can really talk, or if I'm the only one who can hear it. Although if the others can hear it too, that's not really conclusive proof that I'm not insane, considering the... state... of everyone in Aboda.

Dwelling on this really won't do anything. It's time to get this over with and have Alfonzo kill me already.

This is a matter of perspective. For me, it's way too early.

Big Smoke

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I'm sorry for wanting to delay my demise for a few more measly seconds, your traininess.

His watchful eyes... always judging me...

Ok, jeez, I get it! You looked forward to this day! No need to rub it in my face! this some sort of cruel prank? Making me meet with a girl before offing me?


I need to run away and distract myself with something! I still want to live, if only for a moment.

Alas, it is very hard to distract yourself from the omnipresent threat of Alfonzo's graduation exam. ._.

It's a... wood heart? Like, a heart made of... wood?

Or is it supposed to be a replica of my heart? Is this another death threat?

Oh god, it must be another death threat! Why does everyone hate me, what have I done to them?!?

I ran away and cried behind this tree for half an hour.

Ok, I don't think I can delay it any further.

This man's sadism knows no bounds. He is going to make me drive the train. He is going to make it so that I am responsible for everything that happens. :'(

Or else what?

Never mind, I don't want to know.

Yeah, like you'll allow me to actually arrive there.

Oh well, might as well leave this rotten world with dignity.

Adieu, Murder Ville, you will not be missed.

So this is what the world outside of town looks like? Well, exploration is non-existent, but at least it has pretty colors.

This train is moving like a snail. Time to fire up the engine. I just hope I can buy a jet boost or something later on. They have jet technology in Hyrule, right? I mean, they had that magic jar in The Minish Cap. If you'd tie that to the back of the train... maybe...

Man, I am already bored by the train segment. Time to improve my map a little.

There, that is a fitting description for a town full of murderers and psychopaths.

Wait, I think you aren't supposed to actually say that word...

There, all better.

This map scribble feature sure is fun. I am glad it survived the transition from Phantom Hourglass. They should make the whole game about that, really. I mean, there's nothing else I should pay attention to right now, right?

Oh god...

Oh Farore, I am so dead!


Ok, that is the least impressive train crash I have ever seen.

The magic of train accidents has teleported me back into my beloved home town. I better GTFO before Alfonzo can chew me out for denting his precious train.

I might as well check the post box again. It is kind of spazzing out.



I'm going to call you Larry then.

I would object now, but I know from experience that officials never listen to me anyway.

"How dare they demand to be treated with dignity and respect?!? I scoff at them!"

There's not too many people who call you "Postman", are there?

You mean like a sensible person would have done in the first place?

That is ludicrous! Common sense has no place in Aboda Village!

Oh well, might as well check it out. Maybe some rich relative died?

Wait, I don't have any relatives. I only have Niko, and he isn't exactly rich. Although if he died, I guess I would get the softer bed...


What the...

I get the feeling this "Postmaster" doesn't exist, and Larry wrote this letter himself.

Maybe I should just stay away from mailboxes from now on.

This procrastination is getting ridiculous, so might as well go ahead and re-take the exam.

It's slowly dawning on me that I don't have much to live for anyway. ._.

Having worked with this man for as long as I did, I have learned to take statements like these very seriously.

Out there in the distance is a large tower. I think it's that dumb tower that keeps all the evil Niko told me about in check.

If I were to crash this train into that tower, maybe it would fall over and release the evil demon? I always wondered what the life of a villain must be like. I have a feeling I wasted my life so far, being a... train trainee.

If I hadn't already been born there, I would surely go to hell for making this pun.

Oh shit, oh shit! No time to space out again! Change course!

I did it!

I so did it!

All right! I am the train master!

Yes, that is exactly how I would describe it, especially since there is totally not a train over there, heading towards me with no means of evasion whatsoever.

But who cares, I don't have to pay for the damage anyway.

I hope this place is better than Aboda Village. I might even start a new life here.


Donkey Kong
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Edo, change your username to Ol' Chuffy.

Also this is hilarious, please keep going.


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its not really a spoiler when you can see zelda on the title screen...

Big Smoke

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I am a little surprised, to be honest.

I mean, I am still alive!



Is this the part where, in a relationship of two, the abusive party says something nice to make it seem to the abused like the relationship isn't so bad?

The creepy part is that it's actually working! I think it has finally happened: Living in Aboda has broken my head.

Ok, "ceremony" must be a euphemism for "execution", which means Alfonzo is back to his old self.

That is good. If I have to die, I'd prefer it to be as unconfusing as possible.

You know, I need to get away from the train for a while. Away from Alfonzo. Maybe talking to some of the locals will help me focus.

Out of the blue, I was asked out on a date. People sure are open-minded in this town.

Every other person would probably be severely creeped out by some random dude making such bold advances, but growing up where I grew up leaves you kind of jaded.

Not jaded enough to miss that treasure chest up there, though. I can hear it mock me from afar.


Ok, this town has a treasure infestation. Luckily, I am here to solve the problem. I am such a selfless citizen.

Alas, I can't reach a single one of them yet, because some cracked boxes are blocking the way. I wonder which mysterious item will be used to remove these obstacles.

On my way around town, I found some Cuccos. Cuccos are bad, because they remind me of my home.

Let's get out of here before I get flashbacks.

This guy is talking about the city.

Hey, whoa, slow down, Mr. Pink Sweater Guy. Don't make such remarks about my maybe-sister!

I would probably teach this guy a lesson, but my attacks have this tendency to just clip through people and not do any damage to them. It must be some sort of hereditary defect.

All the normal houses are empty, except for this one. Must be some bunny-loving lady, going from the pictures on the wall.

Then there is this establishment with a strange atmosphere. Maybe the nice, scantily clad lady can help me out?


I don't want another court order over a misunderstanding. I'm out.

This city is very strange. Not Aboda strange, but... I can't quite put my finger on it.

I mean, we set foot in here, and suddenly Alfonzo compliments my looks. There's some guy who wants to get into my pants. There is another guy who has the hots for the princess. There's a house full of bunny images. And of course there's an establishment with a function that is not entirely clear, but prides itself with being exclusively "for adults".

Either it's all a giant coincidence, or this is one really horny city... wait!

Waaaaaaaaait a minute!

Oh my god. Suddenly, everything is becoming clear to me.

Let's say that every place has a theme.
If every place is not just random, but has some sort of specific theme to itself...

...and Aboda's theme is "murderous insanity"...

...then this town's theme must be... love?

A city of love?

I sure hope the next town's theme is gonna be "therapists", because I think I need one.


I think I have reached my insanity limit again. Oh god!

Just... just flee! Get out of here! Next area, please!

Please be normal...

Lily x

This should be the theme song for this LP

Big Smoke

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All right, time to brave the fire. There's a pair of guards at the front door.

When Nayru created Hyrule, she made it law that, in every pair that appears somewhere, there's a fat one and a skinny one. At some point, I used to eat Rock Sirloin five times a day, and so the law applied to me and Niko too. Then my doctor told me something about "total protein reversal", and that my diet had stunted my growth forever. 'twas a sad day.

Of course, when I say "doctor" I really mean the talking mailbox, because Aboda has no doctors. Or concern for healthiness, bodily and mentally, for that matter.

But I digress. That guard is starting to eye me suspiciously.

Right, and I'm sure you're doing a smashing job at that, pal. Please don't arrest me.

Maybe I can escape my torment by lying? Worth a shot!

Ok, I got a few more precious moments of living. I will cherish it.

You know, this castle is pretty well-guarded actually. Maybe, if I tell my could-be-sister about my predicament, she might have pity and let me live here? All those guards should be enough to keep Alfonzo away from me, he would be unable to do anything.

Well, I guess he could try to smash his train through the wall, and... uh... God, who am I kidding? As if anywhere is safe.

I changed my mind! This place isn't safe at all! There is bees! BEES ARE BAD! THE BEES!!! AAAH!!! THE IMAGES ARE COMING BACK!!!

In my panic, I ran to the opposite side of the garden area. There is nothing here, just mind-numbing emptiness.

Just like in the skinny guard's head. Guy is as useful as a parachute made of swiss cheese.

Ok, mister, you found me out. Get the guillotine already.

The guards of Hyrule are battle-hardened maniacs. They have faced death so many times, it even slips their mind when an execution is scheduled. For them it's "just business".

Again, why does everyone everywhere have to be so condescending? I am just an old man! A human... hylian... being... thing!

It doesn't matter, the point is: I have feelings. Please don't blow your bulky nose on them.

I don't know if this is just my delusions telling me things to make me feel better, but I noticed that the hateful, condescending guard is standing on the side that has the murderbees, whereas the guard with no purpose is standing on the useless side that is completely empty.

It might just be a coincidence, but what if it isn't? My guess is that this castle garden is an unfathomable realm of constant movement that changes its face depending on who dwells inside it. A wondrous world that acts as a mirror of our soul.

This is fascinating. I wonder what would happen if I was a guard and went in here? I don't know. It would probably spawn a crapload of other guards trying to catch and arrest me. I have somewhat of a persecution complex...

But enough of that! We're going in!

Master Crash

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I'm throwing all-purpose bait in the ocean in the hopes that one of the Fishmen that pops up turns out to be Edo so I can have him draw on my map.

Big Smoke

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Inside the castle. I feel like an ominous presence is descending on me. My end is nigh.

Straight ahead we have a guard. He looks just like Skinny McUseless outside.

I'm going to call this guard "Nose Man".

Oh, I am inconsolable! How rude of me! I didn't mean to barge into your little nose party uninvited!

What? Who's this?

I can tell what this guy must be thinking.

"Take that attitude of yours and shove it up your nose!"

Yes, I too feel that I am way too young to be sent to my death. Thank you for noting how perverse this whole arrangement is.

He thinks that killing me would be a waste.

I am really starting to like this Chancellor guy. He understands me!

No! No, please!

You know that this is all a set up! Please! I know you know!

You wield political influence! Please speak out against it! Don't let Alfonzo get away with this!!!

I feel like crying right now.

Let's go look for a quiet, remote place.

But I have no luck.

This is one exclusive castle. Pretty much every area is off-limits.

No point in dawdling then. *sigh*

"When no path can be walked, boldly walk the path of senseless self-destruction" -- Teachings of Alfonzo, fourth commandment.

Some say this country was founded by pirates. If that is true, they certainly knew how to build a throne room in style.

Ew, I think I stepped in something!

Let me just bend down and look at... oh man, gross! Why is something like this in a thr--






Sup, baby? Or sister? Baby sister? Is that even a thing? Oh god, this is so confusing!

There's so much I want to talk about right now, but of course there has to be a bunch of weirdos in the background, totally ruining the atmosphere.

He is trying to make it sound like he's yelling at me, but we both know he's just messing around. His face says it all: He likes me, and he's jealous that the princess is hogging my attention.

Silly old Coal, we'll have plenty of time to chat later. That is, if you put a stop to Alfonzo's sick plan first.

Please, there is really no need to fight over me. Plenty Chuffy for everyone!

As I just said: Chuffy. Ol' Chuffy. At your service, ma'am.

I agree. Unfortunately, a lot of people opt to call me different things, which aren't quite as wonderful.

...dead! She's going to condemn me! Oh god, Farore, help me! :'(


What happened?

Oh my god, I think Cole just said that killing me would waste too much time, so he insisted on skipping that part.

Get this man a promotion, he is a hero! He is MY hero!!!

I am going to live!

I'm going to trade this in for three Magic Beans. I haven't eaten in weeks.

Oh my god, a secret letter! I love this! It's just like back in school, except there was never a school in Aboda Village because schools are for people with futures.

Come on, this isn't cool. Chancellor Cole is a decent man. He saved my life. Please don't play us off against each other.

Ok, I'll see you later then.

Yes. Thanks for saving my life, man. I am forever in your debt.

Hey, are you per chance looking for a new sidekick? I'm great! I can drive a train!

Oohoho, you can't say such naughty things, Chancellor-chan -^__^-

Whoa! Uhm... Sorry, but I'm not really into the rough stuff.

Nice teeth though. My dentist is a mailbox, so I envy you.

And so I was left behind, a plethora of different feelings raging in my heart.

Big Smoke

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After that whole ordeal, they just left me standing in the throne room.

I mean, it's not like anything happened anyway, right? No big deal.

That's a very empty-looking map though. My fingers are itching to spruce it up a bit. Perhaps with an awesome painting of Chancellor Coal and the Princess shaking hands? I can show it to them later and maybe get them to make up.

You know what, let's do that! I'll just get out my map and...