The Most Dangerous Words to Say in a Marriage

Sometimes actions don't speak louder than words.

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Quick, look at your phone: What's the last text message you sent to your husband?

Sure, it's probably something about the kids, or an ingredient you need for dinner, or a friendly reminder of that thing he promised he'd do (and, ugh, hasn't). While your daily conversation with your leading man may be a little monotonous at times, experts say to keep your marriage alive, you gotta watch what you say when those monotonous conversations turn into heated arguments.

"It's important to develop healthy communication skills in your marriage, both when you're dealing with something heavy or just having normal discussions," says Megan Bearce, relationship expert and author of Super Commuter Couples: Staying Together When a Job Keeps You Apart.

So which phrases should you stay away from, and which should you use instead?

Discussing Chores
Don't say this:
"You never pick up around the house!"
Though it can be irritating to continually express frustrations with some of your husband's repeated behaviors and nothing changes, starting any conversation with a critique won't get you anywhere. "The person receiving the criticism often shuts down and stops listening," says Bearce. "They get defensive and angry and start listing complaints about their spouse in return. Then, both of you end up upset and the real issue never gets addressed in a constructive way."
Say this
: "I'm feeling overwhelmed about how much housework needs to get done this weekend. Do you think you could help vacuum for me while I get started on the laundry? It would really help me relax."

The reason the word 'never' comes to mind is because you feel like you've (literally!) asked him a million times to do something to make you happier or to make your day-to-day life easier, and he isn't listening. However, it might be that he isn't fully understanding why you're asking him to do this thing, and why it's important to you, says Bearce. By explaining your own reasoning, you better help him prioritize the change. And by offering a specific task for him to do, or options that he can choose from, it takes the guesswork off of his plate.

Talking About Sex
Don't say this
: "There are more important things than sex. Can we just get it over with?"
We all remember that cringe-worthy scene in the Sex & the City movie when Miranda urges Steve to finish because they have to get up early. Why did it make our skin crawl? Probably because we've thought it ourselves more times than we care to admit. But while mismatched sex drives are normal, sex therapist and expert Vanessa Marin says fighting about sex can put a marriage in trouble. "Most couples have different approaches to intimacy, so sex can become a source of contention and an awkward conversation," Marin says. "Couples need to talk about sex, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it can feel. I advise couples to be upfront with each other about their communication struggles."
Say this
: "I'm exhausted right now, but I've been thinking about the scene I saw in Scandal last week. I want you to surprise me with something dirty after the kids are at practice."

It's okay that you're busy and you're not always in the mood, but if you open up a window for intimacy in the near future, he won't feel shut out. "Sex isn't just about having an orgasm — it's one of the most important ways we express our love and affection for our partners," Marin says. "We all have so many other responsibilities that it can be easy to undervalue sex, but making time to prioritize that alone time will keep you connected longer."

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Threatening to End the Marriage
Don't say this
: "I've had enough. I'm done, I don't know why I ever married you."
When your argument gets really heated with your husband, you might find yourself so angry that you can't think of anything other than a huge ultimatum that you know will hurt his feelings, or get him to take your side. Marriage therapist Dr. Jane Greer, author and radio host, says these types of fights occur because one partner feels like the other one isn't pulling his or her weight.
Say this
: "I'm really upset with you right now, and I'm going to take some time to cool off. Please let me process and we can talk about this in a few hours."

When you have time to get out of the high-tension dynamic, you'll be able to process in a way that works for you, and decide what steps need to be taken to strengthen your marriage. "Some people might need to make up right away, but other times, you just need to spend a little time apart," Greer says. "Reconnect and acknowledge the argument is over. If it was over something foolish, let it go and move forward. If it's something that needs to be dealt with further, agree to talk about it calmly until everything is 'good' between you both."

Attacking Your Partner's Character
Don't say this
: "The other dads from Little League always make the games. You're selfish."
Let's face it: The second you start putting your spouse down, you begin putting yourself and your marriage down, too. You're also changing their perception of how you view the relationship. Life coach and speaker Charlie Harary says this can be poisoning. "Once you go to a character trait, you open an emotional wound that deals with a disconnection in terms of the relationship, versus an action that was done that may not have been perfect," Harary says. "Many times, in fights, you're feeling so much that you want to hurt the person with your words. But being venomous really degrades what is important." Harary also says dragging people into your arguments — your mother who says your hubby could be more supportive or your best friend's husband who is the best father ever — just creates more insecurity that shouldn't be there.
Say this
: "Remember when you surprised Jack at his game? He is always talking about how much he loved that. We should plan to get ice cream as a family after the next game."

By taking away the blame from your partner and interjecting yourself into the situation, he feels like you're more of a team instead of opponents. This shows that you're understanding of his responsibilities outside of your home but also illustrating that family life is important to your marriage, too.

The biggest key to remember when communicating with your husband is first figure out what you feel and what you want to convey before opening your mouth. "Communication is not just speaking, it starts with understanding," says Harary. "You must start with being introspective and considering why you feel how you do and why it bothers you. When you are able to articulate this to your spouse, it allows the relationship to grow."

NEXT: 9 Signs Your Marriage Might Be Over »

This story originally appeared

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