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Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.


At a party meeting, a Communist party officer is drilling a local worker.

He asks him: “Comrade, if you had two houses, would you give one to the Communist Party?”

The worker responds “Yes, definitely, comrade, I would give one of my houses to the party!”

Then he asks “Comrade, if you had two cars, would you give one to the party?”

Again, the worker s...

An old man sits down in the confessional booth at his local church

and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned”.

The priest says, “Tell me of your sins, my son.”

The old man says, “Well, Father, I’m 90 years old; I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful…. But last night, I made love to two beautifu...

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A man asked his local pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes we do," he answered.

"Great! Can you get it over the counter?"

"Only if I take two."

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...


I gave him a glass of water.
I love supporting the community.

A small airplane crashes into the ground in a small town, and some curious locals go to the crash site to see what happened.

Some of the locals start digging to see if there are any survivors trapped in the plane.

A few hours in, they give up the search and one of the locals goes back to his house and tells his wife what happened.

He tells his wife that there were over 1000 bodies found in the crash site, bu...

The local wig shop got broken into last night

They've had to replace all the locks

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]



So I got arrested for wasting the "precious time", of my local fire brigade, yesterday.

Apparently, it's now considered a "nuisance call", if you ring 999, a few times in the space of an hour, begging them to help get your beloved, 18 year old family pet, safely down from your neighbour's tree.

OK, I get it;

"My parrot's stuck in a tree, send someone to help",


“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”



The phone rings at ...

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I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead.

“Why?” she asked. “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”

“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”

The Don of the local Mafia’s phone rang

It was his favorite nephew.

“Uncle, the cops are closing in on me. I’m going to be arrested.”

“Thank you for telling me,” said the Don, “Be a good Sicilian don’t talk until our lawyer gets there.”

“What if they beat me?

“Don’t worry, it’s easy not to talk. Just sit on yo...



My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

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I went to my local library to look for a book on small penises

With not alot of luck I decided to ask the librarian - "Have you seen the book about small penises?"

she replied "It isn't in yet"

I said "Yeah, that's the one!"

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There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

Someone broke into our local police station and stole all the urinals.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”


this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

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Get your free tetanus shot today at your local junkyard!

Sponsored by Pfizer and Toyota.


"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.



"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...





"What do they do there?" asks ...

All the urinals have been stolen from the local police department

The police say they have nothing to go on.

(Source: Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip)

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Climbing do...

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[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

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A man goes into a local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"


"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

My uncle recently and suddenly decided to leave his lucrative position at a local bank...

Because he lost interest

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"


MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

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One of Gwen Stefani’s odd jobs in her youth was cleaning the monkey cages at the local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

There was a pun competition going on in the local community.

I decided I might have a go at it since I am pretty good with puns. The rules were simple: we all had to tell 10 puns. I got on stage and gave it my best shot to wow the judges. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

The police were called to a local playground

The police were called to a local playground with reports of hundreds of chickens running wild there.

They thought it was a prank call at first, but now they suspect fowl play.

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A tourist asked me for some local attractions.

So I told him that my next door neighbours are rather sexy.

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

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I was using the local glory hole recently...

...and it felt different than normal. A few minutes later I see a guy walk out of the other stall holding cat fish. Suddenly the realization washed over me.

I cant believe I sucked a fish’s dick.


How should I know? I just fly the drones.

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

The local blind man came to my house today.

But after a short look through the catalogue I’ve decided to stick with curtains.

It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer.

I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.

Two boys were misbehaving... their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

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An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

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The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

I bought the tiniest amphibian I've ever seen at the local pet store.

He's my newt.

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.


Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.



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I recently saw a catfish at my local river.

No clue how it baits the hook with those tiny paws.

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.


Went to my local sandwich shop and asked for “a sub filled to the brim with cheese and baloney”

They just linked me to r/jokes

The price of our local daily newspapers is going to increase next week

Since I got this information early enough, I will buy 1,000 copies today so that I can make a huge profit when the price increases. That is, I will buy low and sell high.


"Not very likely," his wife said.<...


The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a we...




It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...





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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.


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Police have reported a man going into local craft shops and dipping his testicles in glitter

Its pretty nuts!!!



Local man reportedly addicted to brake fluid,

Says he can stop whenever he wants.

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...



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Farmer Greg


So he decided to grow the state’s larges...

A woman goes to her local coffee shop and sits in a table outside. She notices 2 people across the street.

The first one digs a hole around half a meter/2 ft deep and the second one fills them up with the same soil right away.

Determined to understand why they do that, she walked across the street to ask them.

-"Why do you do this?", She asked.

And the second person replies:



"Eleven", she replies.



"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.


A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

My rear end was sore from sitting on the bar stools at my local pub.

So, I've been taking stool softener, but those stools still seem just as hard to me.

3 farmers.




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A young girl started work at the local pharmacy.

She was very nervous about the idea of having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on vacation for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She agreed but, before he left, she told him about her anxiety regarding the condoms.

"Look" he said....

They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that

There are prose and cons

The local dentist received an award for being the best dentist in town. Know what they gave him?

A little plaque.

I went to a faith healing session at the local community centre last night but it was absolute rubbish.

Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

Local hospital forced to shut down after obstetrician quits suddenly

They're having a midwife crises

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.

A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.


"I play football. I can catch him!"


My local off-licence has started hosting a book club.

First up is Tequila Mockingbird.









"Now get a little closer to...

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### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doct...

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.




Mr Jones: “Yes I am”


BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory!

Da Brie is everywhere.

I joined the local gym’s swim class

Only to find out that breast stroke was not what I thought it would be.





As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".


The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

My standup routine didn't go down very well at the local gym.

Tough crowd.

True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they tha...




The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

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I’m a nurse at a local hospital, and I’ve had the sickening realisation I’ve wrapped more bodies than presents this year...

but hey, a fuck is a fuck, right?

A Jewish man was at home

A Jewish man was at home when his son came home and told him:

“Guess what dad, I just converted to Christianity!”

The man, confused about his son’s sudden decision, goes to his friend’s house and explains to him what happened. He replies:

“You won’t believe what happened. My son...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."

"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."

Mario takes the man to the window.

"You see...

Did you hear about the local farmer?

Who was feeding his pigs marmite?

They gave birth to twiglets


Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

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So there is this guy named Jack...

There’s a guy named Jack. He has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack is hopelessly in love with Wendy, and decides to ask her to marry him. To prove how much he loves her, he goes and gets “Wendy” tattooed on his penis, as a gesture of loyalty. When he’s erect, his penis shows her name, and when it’s li...

Engineers gonna engineer



I went to my local grocery store to buy some GameStop stock.

But they only sell beef, chicken, and vegetable.

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But his snake lost its appet...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"


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Pissed Off



After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...



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A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot.

I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.


All involved were rushed to the ICU

A local hospital is offering Black Friday specials on circumcisions.

Up to 50% off.

The Oblivious Miner


Five gangsters walk past a local diner




A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

I bought a dog from the local blacksmith this morning.

Within 10 minutes if having him home he made a bolt for the door.

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.


I picked up some Chinese from a local place...

I picked up some Chinese from a local place (won't name them), and as I was driving home, I heard a weird rustling in the bag! I was like, "WTF is in the bag?" I swear I saw something peering at me out of the corner of my eye.

I pulled over hard, slammed the car in park, and gingerly picke...

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

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A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

A Man Goes for a Massage

A man decides to treat himself to a massage after a very long week and visits his local Thai massage parlour.

Everything is going well until about halfway through when he starts to get an erection. The very attractive masseuse notices his condition and asks him "You want tug tug?". What the...

Some old friends were gathered at a table outside the local pub

They were all drinking and laughing, but when a funeral procession came passing by, one of them got up on his feet and stood in solemn sentry until the procession had passed.

“I never knew you had so much respect for the dead?” one of his friends commented as he sat back down.


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A Finnish salesman comes to Russia to sell chainsaws to local lumberjacks.

“With this saw a good lumberjack can cut down 40 trees an hour and not even get tired” says the salesman.

The lumberjacks, thinking that sounds pretty good, place an order for 50 chainsaws.

At first they are delighted but then the miracle wears off as they notice the Finnish salesman...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.


"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"



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My local Japanese restaurant is keeping up on the trends.

They now serve rawomen.


can't even play the didgeridoo".

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memori...

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An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi argue about who's the greater spiritual leader.

They agree to test their abilities by attempting the impossible: who can convert a bear to their religion.

Two weeks pass, the monk and the rabbi get a call from the priest to show up at the local church. They show up, and see the bear sitting in the front pew, singing psalms to the Lord.





“Well, in ...

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

Dickens " A tale of two cities " was originally published in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times...

I was intrigued because I'd always wondered - so I asked a local council general labourer filling potholes in the road "Do you dig graves?"

He said "Well - they're ok, I suppose"



When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

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My local sex shop has caused controversy.

They announced they are going to start selling Lager flavored gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their privates in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.

Campaigners have condemned the move because of fears it will

lead to 24 hour minge drinking.

My neighbour.

Threw a pot of white and black paint over my lawn.

I tried to sue, but my local law office don’t deal with grey areas.

Not your typical response

Some guy was having fun with another woman in her house. He finished up and as he was ready to leave, he realizes he smells like her perfume. So he had a great idea. He went to a local bar, drank a few good ones and went home.

His wife smelled him and said:
"Do you think I'm stupid, huh...

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American tour bus pulls up at a small Mexican village.

After a few hours shopping one of the tourists asks a sleepy local laying by a tree the time. The guy throws back his poncho, leans over and cups the balls of a donkey with his hand, lifting them up and down, "it's 4:35 senoir." Astounded the tourist calls to his wife, "git over here and see how the...

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"He's a funeral dir...

My family told me I should buy local products. As it's healthier and helps the economy.

I don't know how buying low calorie products helps our economy but okay.





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An older Scottish man is having a drink at the local pub

A younger man from out of town sits down next to him at the bar and orders a drink. They sit in silence for a bit, then the older man turns to the younger man and says, “Sonny, ye see the bar our glasses are resting on? I built it with me own two hands, but when folks see me coming, do they say to t...

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.

Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

When your in your casket............?

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
what would you like them to say?"

spiritual leader,...

After 20 years, I retired from our local muffler repair shop.

I was exhausted.




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