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It’s clear that Donald Trump takes his orders from Vladimir Putin. Much smarter than Trump, like most beverages are, the Russian knows that his puppet has an ego with the strength of filo-dough. Putin wisely calls every so often to stroke it. Trump loves it when he calls and if it’s during a full moon, he gets a boner.

Putin: Donald. I want to let you know how pleased I am with what your darkness and cruelty have done to the American people.

Trump: Oh, sir, you’re too kind.

Putin: The pandemic-

Trump: That hoax?

Putin: America’s response to it compared to the rest of the world sets you apart as the dumbest f**king country on the planet. And the way you use your fake Christians is wonderful.

Trump: I have the best haters.

Putin: I do have one small criticism… Donald? Donald?… It’s not about you, it’s about your wife.

Trump: Oh, good.

Putin: Her new garden, it’s pretty dull looking.

Trump: Okay, I’ll have her put in some borscht plants.

Putin: There are no borscht plants.

Trump: Okay, we’ll go with the kasha trees. Melania is from Slobovia, so she’s not that bright.

Putin: Not Slobovia, Slovenia.

Trump: Slobovia, Slovenia. You say potato, I say Mars Bar… Listen, I’d like to ask you for a favor.

Putin: Oy.

Trump: Could you have one of your people poison someone for me?

Putin: I have a lot of those people, but everyone knows you don’t pay your bills, so you’d have to put the cash up in advance.

Trump: Forget it. I’ll have Eric do it. He’s going to jail anyway.




Donald Trump did not agree to grant us an interview until we could prove that Jim Acosta didn’t work for us. We accomplished this by showing him a photo of our staff which is comprised mainly of high school students who excel in their remedial classes.

Left Wing Gazette: Sir, a lot of people are wondering what possessed you to exit Marine One the other night looking like some of your voters had played “Deliverance” with you?

Trump: As you saw, I’d just been through a nightmare in Fargo, Oklahoma and I wanted pity. I love pity. I deserve pity. I get the best pity.

LWG: Really? Can you tell us about some of the other things you love? Maybe show us a more human side.

Trump thought for a second and began to sing: “Blood on roses and pimples on kittens, copper kettles and stained woolen mittens, black people packaged and tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things. Hookers with herpes-”

LWG: That’s good, Mr. Trump… Now, going back to your rally, many people had advised against even holding it. Some claimed it could be a “super-spreader” for Covid-19.

Trump: Nonsense. I know all about “super-spreaders.” I’m married to Melania.

LWG: Sir, your polls are not looking good. Does anything give you hope that you can be re-elected?

Trump: Many things do. But I guess the main one is the well-known fact that you can’t legislate hate from men’s hearts. I hold onto that.




EXCLUSIVE REPORT: In keeping with Donald Trump’s “government-in-the-darkness-Presidency,” it was hushed up that this past week he was rushed to Washington D.C’s famed People Without Ethics Research Hospital.

Trump, used to sycophants like Lindsey Graham and each of his lawyers sticking their tongues up his ass, Trump managed to stick his own tongue so far up Benjamin Netanyahu’s tush during last week’s visit that he could taste matzoh. Unfortunately, while up there in the Golan Heights, Trump accidentally bit his own tongue.

With it swollen and bleeding, Trump could not be understood as he was wheeled into the hospital. When doctors were told that Trump could only speak gibberish, one responded, “So everything’s normal?”

Many of Trump’s swamp-dwelling appointees stopped watching the impeachment trial and rushed to the hospital. Upon arrival and deemed as dangerous to society by hospital staff, Trump’s hires were immediately seized by guards and removed to the Kellyanne Conway Psych Ward.

Our government officials were dragged onto the ward and into the Randle McMurphy dayroom. As soon as they entered, two serial killers and a mass murderer began to shake with fear.

Trump’s people also began to shake because they were getting the DTs from not having told any lies in almost fifteen minutes. They were sedated except for Ben Carson, who seemed to not only have no pulse but also to not have a clue.

As Trump was in surgery, his advisor Stephen Miller awoke from the sedation first. He was groggy but managed to shout, “Damn it. Let’s deport the Cisco Kid.” He was sent for a bigotry scan where he scored a perfect 100 on the Strom Thurmond Racism Index. When told this,  a broad grin appeared on his face as he asked, “Ain’t hate swell?” So pleased with Miller was Mike Pompeo that he thrust a fist upward and leaped almost half an inch into the air.

When it was announced that Trump’s surgery was successful, most of the hospital staff became severely depressed. Much like the rest of the country already is.