Monday, November 14, 2011

New Beginning 901










Evil Editor said...

A NaNoWriMo Opening

Good start. I'd go with "Justine" rather than "The Maid" at the start of P3. I wasn't sure who the maid was. We should gather that Justine isn't nobility from the fact she had to steal the salmon and the ribbons, so you can hold off revealing she's a maid for a bit.

Also, I wasn't sure if it was the cook or the cat who was kidnapped. Can cats be kidnapped? Do we need the word "kidnapped" in sentence 1?

none said...

I'm with EE: I'm not sure whether the cook, the cat, or both, were kidnapped.

Fun opening, though. More?

Dave Fragments said...

I'm guessing this is a romance? It's a cute and fun opening.

Anonymous said...

Aside from minor clarity issues, this is pretty good stuff. Good voice.

Good luck with it.

Anonymous said...

Author here. Thanks for your comments. It's sort of an anti-Nano project. Am using November to put the perpetual novel project aside and write some unrelated short stories.

Must reword the kidnapped phrase. She snatched the uncooperative Mr. Whiskers. He had a similar disregard for ribbons in the story which then quickly fizzled.

Am now thinking he must inspire further misbehavior by wrongly indicating she does have the love.