Sunday, June 24, 2007

Our Nature Sounds Clock= Nervous Breakdown

*This isn't a sponsored post but how life really is in my house! LOL*

Recently my husband bought one of these things which I thought sounded like a cool idea at first. I figured we would listen to a nice thunderstorm as we drifted off to sleep or maybe some gentle wind chimes. WRONG ANSWER! What we got instead was the following...

Frogs- These slimy little bastards do nothing but croak, burp, and splash around nonstop driving you completely fucking bonkers!! Who in the hell finds frogs croaking a comforting sound? I mean, sure if you had to grow up in the bayou or country where they never shut up then you have two choices- get use to them or go insane. After awhile I'm sure you don't even notice they are there but for the rest of us this is not a comforting nature sound! Personally it made me want to hunt down a bunch of their sorry asses and fry them up out of pure spite. This earned Hubby Guy a one-eyed sleepy glare.

Ocean Waves With Seagulls- So you're listening to these relaxing ocean waves that are gently rocking you to sleep and just as you are about to drift off... this obnoxious fucking "SQUAWK" comes out of nowhere and suddenly you feel like you're surrounded by seagulls!! Your first instinct is to hide under the bed so as not to get hit by incoming birdie bombs but then you realize that it's just a "nature sound". Your second instinct is to get some Alka Seltzer and start throwing it up in the air and watch the little sons of bitches explode. *hehe*

Instead you climb over your sleeping husband (who could sleep through a nuclear holocaust by the way) as you curse loudly with "Stupid fucking nature sounds my ass. I'm turning this crap off!" and then pound your pillow as you grumble some more.

I'm honestly starting to think that the person that made this thing was a very sick lonely little man who is probably laughing his ass off right now at the thought of all the other sorry bastards who now have insomnia with him. Either that or the maker of this clock and Tylenol PM are in cahoots.

Jungle Birds- Again with the damn squawking birds but this time it's not just one kind but many different kinds. A whole menagerie of the filthy buzzards! A person is supposed to sleep through this shit?? Maybe TARZAN would sleep like a baby but anyone who wasn't raised in a rain forest might find themselves ready for a rubber room after about 5 minutes of this bullshit! I enjoy what little bit of sanity I have left so I climbed over Mt Snores-A-Lot after less than that and seriously thought about hiding the stupid clock. This earned Hubby Guy a two-eyed wide awake glare and the pulling of three back hairs.

Chimes- So this one starts out and I'm thinking "this isn't too bad". In fact, it would be great for meditating. I start to relax and love the fact that there is at least one sound on this piece of shit machine that I can listen to and maybe sleep through. No stinking birds or frogs just nice slow soft metal chimes.

Three minutes later the tempo picks up and whoever was working the chimes has started beating the things. Okay, starting to grate on my last nerve but I can handle this. A few more minutes and I'm getting a headache from the sound of someone beating the hell out of a metal trash can!! "ENOUGH!" I yell at the hubby as I climb over him one more time. This has earned Hubby Guy an "accidental" knee to the gut as I reach for the off button. Damn, I was aiming for his balls.

To the person who did this sound- you need some serious therapy that involves beating PILLOWS man. Truly. You are one seriously fucked up asshole!

At this point Hubby Guy is upset because once upon a time in a galaxy far far away I had mentioned in passing that I might like something like this too. "Yes", I say but I was expecting rain, monks chanting "OM", bamboo chimes, and calming sounds not Jungle Boogie and did I mention it also has an annoying blue light that lights up the entire damn room?

As I stare up at the ceiling I can't help but think "hey this looks like one of those cheesy ass peep show rooms in this light" and immediately start trying to make my shadow bunny dance like Dita Von Teese. I realize that without a hella huge champagne glass it just isn't the same and pull a few more back hairs off Grumpy instead. His answering "Ow dammit Jo, that fucking hurts!" puts a faint grin on my face as a reward.

There are two things I absolutely can not sleep through- noise and light and this damn thing has both! Finally I lay my head back down on the pillow in our now quite room just enjoying the lack of noise and complete silence.

That is until I hear.....


Followed by "Snore one more time and I will punch you in your gddamn nose!"

Silence. Sweet scared hubby guy shitlessly awake silence.


David said...

What a great sponsored post! I'm gonna run out and get one of those Nature Sounds Clocks so my wife can't hear my snoring! The oscillating fan, year round, obviously doesn't do the job since she wants me to wait 1/2 hour after she goes to bed to go to bed so she can fall asleep! What store did your husband find this at?

Jo said...

LMAO David, this isn't a sponsored post!! hahahaha We have one of these and I hate it soooo much.

Nope, this is what goes on in my house. *snort*

flutter said...

That is HILARIOUS. We have one of those damned bird chirpy things that makes me want to break out the pellet gun...stupid little squawking fuckers. Just let me sleep!

David said...

You sure? You sell the product sooo well! Have you made your husband mad lately? Is he trying to tell you something?

Anonymous said...

Ah, domestic bliss! I've always thought that it should be renamed domestic hiss.

Hilarious post, I loved it!

Anonymous said...

I can so relate, Jo. Well, on the sound machine part. We actually have one for my older son's room. He used to be THE lightest sleeper and literally was up every 45 minutes when he was an infant. So to save our sanity, marriage and lives (I guess), we bought one of these and it seemed to do the trick. But out of the 20 sounds offered, only 1 or 2 are usable, for the same reasons you mentioned. There's a great ocean sounds one, starkly interrupted by an insanely LOUD seagull and foghorn! WTF? And the train (he loves trains), has a nice steady chugga-chugga-chugga until you get to the crazy loud whistle! Gahr. We got ours at Sharper Image, it looks much smaller than the one you got and doesn't have a clock or any lights at all. So maybe give that a try?

As for your hubby's snoring... um, I can't really comment as I'm probably just as bad. Though since I lost a little weight (like 10 pounds), it's been drastically reduced. So if he's at all overweight, force him to go to the gym. (Just don't tell him it was my idea... that'd be against the male code).

Jo said...

Flutter- EXACTLY!!

David- ummm the company would probably pay me more to take this post down then leave it up! LOL.

IG- domestic hiss. I Love it!!

Andrew- Hubby Guy has always snored because of a deviated septum. He had surgery to fix it last year but it only made it worse (he's one of those people with the pinched looking nose) so that combined with the weight he has gained over the years is definately part of the problem.

The gym is out though as the poor guy works full time on graveyard shift and then goes to school too. :(

Jenny said...

You're too funny! loL!! I don't think I could sleep with all that going on either...especially the "sqawking"!

Anonymous said...

I bought a nature sounds fountain...I will never understand why they think birds of any kind are relaxing. Needless to say all the fountain does is collect dust now. :(

Summer said...

LOL I'm glad we don't have one of those machines. Instead I get woken by the occasional toddler foot to the gut or head to the nose.

Admin said...

Boy does this bring back memories. My daughter could never sleep through anything. Falling leaves woke her up. So we got one of the nature sound machines and tried every setting. Everyone put her to sleep and kept me awake. Then we put a fan in her window one hot summer night and she slept like a baby. From my bedroom, the fan was just a low hum. White noise. Put me to sleep too. I can't stand noise, but far off humming seems to be something else.
Shine On,