Comic Book Quickies 5

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May 1, 2015
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(Open on a black screen, to Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)". The following text, read by Linkara, fades in...)

Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with AngryJoe.

(The word that is to be read pops up...)

AngryJoe (v/o): "Strong".

(Cut to AngryJoe reading from the Super Dictionary)

AngryJoe: (reading) "Superman is very strong. He has a lot of power in his body. He is stronger than most people. Is he the strongest person in the world?" (nods and whispers) Yes, he is.

(AT4W title theme plays, and the title card has the Indiana Jones theme by John Williams playing in the background)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. It's time for another edition of "Comic Book Quickies"!

("Comic Book Quickies" title is shown)

Linkara: This is the segment where we take a look at some comic book-related material that's too short to fit into its own episode, so instead, it's all clumped together and distilled into a mediocre product that's probably not very healthy for you. Just like a Hostess Fruit Pie.

(A shot of a Spider-Man comic advertising Hostess Fruit Pie is shown)

Linkara (v/o): The last several times we've had a Fruit Pies comic, we've had Marvel ones.

(Cut to another Hostess Fruit Pie comic, this one featuring Aquaman)

Linkara (v/o): Well, let's finally do something about that with this one from DC: "Aquaman and Pirate's Gold".

Linkara: (holding his finger to his ear) What's that, you say? Aquaman is useless because his only superpower is talking to fish? (laughs uproariously) That's funny! I bet you're the only person to ever suggest that! (laughs) Hey, you know that there are all sorts of giant aquatic sea life that are huge and terrifying and can eat you in a single bite? (laughs again) Yeah, maybe you should stop joking about the guy who can summon every single one of them to descend upon you in a swarm.

Aqualad: Great guppies!

Linkara: Aaand then there's Aqualad.

Narrator: An undersea explosion shakes the continent of Atlantis...

Linkara: (narrator voice) Maybe it was a bad idea to hold a heavy metal concert right where they were fixing that glass.

Linkara (v/o): They quickly find the source of the explosion: a bunch of scuba divers planting explosives.

Aquaman: You've got to stop! Your blasts will shake Atlantis to pieces!

Diver: Sorry, Aquaman--our map says there's pirates' gold--sunken treasure-- down here!

Linkara: (as diver) And I'm sure we can trust the lady at Denny's who gave it to us! I mean, she even gave us crayons to mark our location!

Aqualad: What do* we do, Aquaman?

  • NOTE: Aqualad actually says, "What can we do?"

Linkara: Uh... physically restrain them? You both have super strength, you know.

Linkara (v/o): Also, how are the scuba divers talking under water?

Aquaman: They want gold-- and I know just what to give them!

Linkara: (as Aquaman) Gold Bond medicated powder!

Linkara (v/o): Shortly thereafter, they find a treasure chest and bring it to their boat. Its contents: Twinkies!

Diver 1: Wow! This is a real treasure!

Linkara: (as diver) Soggy, water-damaged confectioneries! Aquaman, you magnificent bastard!

Linkara (v/o): On that note, Soggies may rule.

Diver 2: Who needs gold doubloons when we can have these delicious golden sponge cakes?

Linkara: (frowns) You're an idiot.

Diver 3: Let's head back to land and search for more treasure-- Twinkies Cakes on our grocer's shelf!

Linkara: (deadpan) Congratulations, you are smarter than the enemies of Jell-O Man, but you're all still morons.

(Cut to black as Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays, then fade in on the following text, read by Linkara...)

Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with Obscurus Lupa.


Lupa (v/o): "Large".

(Cut to Obscurus Lupa reading from the Super Dictionary)

Lupa: (reading) "Green Arrow put on a large hat. He put on a big hat. The hat was much larger than his head. It was the largest hat he had seen. He didn't like it at all!"

(Cut to a shot of an Indiana Jones comic)

Linkara (v/o): Let's move on from our regular standard to something that I don't think we've ever reviewed on the show before: Indiana Jones. In particular, we're looking at this six-page story from Dark Horse Comics' 2009 "Free Comic Book Day" offering. In case you don't know, Free Comic Book Day is a holiday wherein people are invited to go to comic book stores across the world and, well, get some free stuff from as many publishers that participate. DC and Marvel will often use this to promote books related to movies in some way or promote an upcoming event. For example, last year, Marvel put in a Guardians of the Galaxy comic to promote their movie. DC put out a horrible story featuring a dark future, wherein almost all superheroes of Earth have been horribly mutilated and have had their limbs replaced with nonsensical cyborg appendages that actually seem to make them less effective than if they had just kept their regular bodies, but with a jetpack or something.

Linkara: This is also a good time to point out that Free Comic Book Day is often a time wherein families bring their little kids in to try to get them into sequential art or at least something entertaining that's free. DC Comics: rated D for "Dumb".

Linkara (v/o): But let's not dwell on that. Its day will come eventually. No, rather, let's dig into this Indiana Jones story, because why not?

Text: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Yearning".

Linkara: I am beginning to suspect that we're running out of interesting places for Dr. Jones to be visiting.

Narrator: Deep past the southern edge of Kamphaeng Phet province in Thailand, it stands...as it has for so long...resisting all who claim its contents...

Linkara: (as narrator) How this local McDonald's has managed to endure for so long continues to baffle.

Linkara (v/o): Indy himself is looking at the temple... which still seems to be several miles away, but whatever... and is accompanied by this boy named Bhakdi. I did a quick Google search, and it seems this kid only appears in this story. I admit, I never actually read any Indiana Jones comics before this one, so I don't know if it's a regular thing for him to just have regular kids help him whenever Short Round is on vacation. Anyway, he exposits about the temple.

Indiana Jones: It was built by the King of Chiang Mai in the 14th Century. It is said to still be full of the riches he placed within!

Bhakdi: Really? How is it that in all this time, no one has claimed them?

Linkara: (as Indy) Zoning and land classifications, kid. Officially, this place is a savings-and-loan.

Indy: Few people know of it, Bhakdi! And even fewer know the way in! I found it in a set of very old, very faded writings!

Linkara: (as Indy) I got it from some scuba divers who were on their way to Atlantis to try to get some pirate treasure.

Linkara (v/o): Indy explains that he had planned to go tomb-raiding here in a year with a full expedition, but an intern at the college he teaches at [Clifford] is likely trying to get there and take the riches first.

(Cut to a clip of Suburban Knights)

Cinema Snob: (as Indy) You betrayed Shiva!

(Cut back to the comic)

Bhakdi: So you moved up your trip...I see! What does this man Clifford look like?

Linkara: (as Indy) Well, he's not so much a man as he is a big red dog and often has a little girl riding on his back.

Linkara (v/o): Actually, Clifford himself shows up and he's this dude. (...who is a nerdy-looking fellow with glasses and wielding a gun)

Clifford: Sorry, Dr. Jones. I couldn't resist. Not after reading the descriptions you translated...

Linkara: (as Clifford, aiming a gun) Indeed. As you translated, it was "made in Thailand".

Linkara (v/o): He's since become obsessed and wants to get whatever is in the temple.

Indy: Did you read the part about certain doom for those who enter? And you also don't know how to get in!

Clifford: Nice try...but I found the secret combination you located!

Linkara: (as Clifford) I know it will involve (holds up two fingers) two Atari controllers, but I've got a guy who's gonna help me.

Linkara (v/o): Bhakdi runs up and snatches the translation away from Clifford, running off as he's fired at. Indy, fortunately, is able to run up and sock Clifford across the face.

Indy: Nice distraction, Bhakdi!

Linkara: (as Indy) And you only took three bullets to the back! Good work!

Linkara (v/o): And thus Clifford is defeated with one punch and Indy just takes his gun.

Bhakdi: What are you going to do with him?

Indy: Not much I can do with him. I think I'll just leave him here.

(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching This Island Earth)

Crow T. Robot: Sounds like a really crappy plan, but okay.

(Back to the comic again)

Indy: Now that we have the "combination" back, he can't get in. And if he did, that "certain doom" would get him. I'll come back in the spring and we'll go in... cautiously.

Linkara: (as Indy) And by not taking him with us or anything, we're ensuring that in the intervening time, he could steal it right back again. This is why (gestures toward himself with his thumb) I'm the college professor.

Linkara (v/o): However, he doesn't have to wait for that to happen, since it turns out Clifford made a copy of the combination and now doesn't have to deal with the two.

Clifford: (thinking) First lever up...second lever up...third lever down...

Linkara: (as Clifford) The fool never realized that I could just check GameFAQs for the answer!

Linkara (v/o): However, as soon as the combination is finished, a great shadow suddenly falls over Clifford. And so, our story ends with Indy and Bhakdi walking off.

Bhakdi: Is it possible he brought another copy?

Indy: I thought of that. But even if he did, the "certain doom" I read about in the research seemed pretty certain...

Linkara (v/o): And we see in the background some kind of giant demon monster holding up Clifford. I, uh... I-I just...

Linkara: (confused) How am I even supposed to react to this? Is this an ironic punishment, or did ancient Thailand just have robots at their command?

Linkara (v/o): All in all, there's nothing particularly bad about this short story, just it seems like it has no reason exist. This is one of those stories where it looks like the same thing would have happened, whether our heroes got involved in the plot or not. Well, okay, the same thing applies to Raiders of the Lost Ark, but at the same time, they at least had a thrilling adventure before the ironic punishment. This was just (as Indy) "I showed up here to set up the plot and then left." I also fail to see where in this there was a Temple of Yearning.

Linkara: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Pointlessness".

(Cut to black as Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays once again, then fade in on the following text, read by Linkara...)

Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with the Cinema Snob.


CS (vo): "Saddle".

(Cut to CS reading from the Super Dictionary)

CS: (reading) "Supergirl bought Comet a new saddle. She bought him a leather seat to wear on his back. Comet loved saddles!"

(Cut to a shot of the title for "Free the Cap'n Mystery" starring Spider-Man and Cap'n Crunch)

Linkara (v/o): Normally, in Comic Book Quickies, we'd cover at least four pieces of material. However, as you may have noticed, this episode came out a bit late, so I'm kind of in a rush to get finished so I can resume episodes at their normal release day.

Linkara: If you're watching this episode looooong after its release, however, (waves) hello, the future! Hope things don't suck as much!

(Cut to a Captain America comic)

Linkara (v/o): And as such, we're going to conclude with another Fruit Pie comic... as well as something a bit more dated, since Age of Ultron is supposed to be released in the U.S.A. at the time of this episode's posting. As such, let's check out Captain America in "Fury Unleashed!"

Linkara: It's a story about Samuel L. Jackson screaming profanities at villains until they sit and eat their Hostess products.

Linkara (v/o): We begin with Captain American attacking this chunk of distended wall.

Linkara: (as Captain America, holding up his shield) Stupid drywall! You're unpatriotic! (reaches out and makes a punching motion offscreen)

Captain America: The Trapster's at it again-- one trap leads to another.

Linkara (v/o): Uh, despite the name, that's not really what the Trapster is known for. He's usually about his adhesives and solvents that he developed.

Linkara: Mostly because his name before Trapster was (makes "finger quotes") "Paste Pot Pete". I would make fun of that, but at the same time, I love alliteration.

Linkara (v/o): Cap breaks into this... wherever the hell this is and finds Nick Fury being strangled by this huge bald dude in a green leotard.

Nick: Better not come any closer, Cap. The Trapster's goon has me by the neck!

Linkara: (as Nick, wearing his eye patch and pretending to strangle himself) His strangling makes it very easy for me to talk to you!

Narrator: Meanwhile, the Trapster watches from another room!

Linkara: (as narrator) Although not by choice; he's been trying to get Game of Thrones to play in there for the last three hours.

Capt. America: (thinking) My strength and my shield won't solve this mess-- but strategy can.

Linkara: Uh, actually, I'm pretty certain both of those things can easily solve this situation. And while you're playing Pac-Man, Nick Fury is choking to death... presumably.

Capt. America: Okay, you big overgrown Goliath... I bet you can't wait to get your hands on these Hostess Fruit Pies.

Linkara: Where the hell were you carrying those things? (points to his face) Under your mask?!

Linkara (v/o): And of course, this plan works. The goon releases Nick Fury and goes for those Fruit Pies like they were an unchoked neck.

Goon: What is Fury compared to this great taste?

Linkara: Well, your paycheck, for one thing.

Trapster: Hostess Fruit Pies! Curses! Captain America is as smart as he is strong!

Linkara (v/o): Or maybe you just have really terrible hiring policies, Pete. I've seen movie theaters with more discriminating employee screenings than you.

Linkara (v/o): And... that's it. They don't actually defeat the Trapster, just some incompetent goon he had on staff. Is this to be continued or something? I think this is the first time we've seen one of these Fruit Pie comics end with the villain actually getting away. I'm assuming since the Trapster himself wasn't distracted by the Fruit Pies, he's not concerned with the same fate befalling him... unless the hypnotic power of Fruit Pies has a limited range. (Cut to black as Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays once again, then fade in on the following text, read by Linkara...)

Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with MarzGurl.


MarzGurl (vo): "Melt".

(Cut to MarzGurl reading from the Super Dictionary. AngryJoe is sitting off to the side)

MarzGurl: (reading) "Supergirl saw a giant wall of ice being to melt. She saw a wall of ice begin to get soft and turn into water. She was afraid that if it melted, the people would all drown. Supergirl pushed the ice wall out to sea."

(Cut back to Linkara)

Linkara: So, what have we learned today, everybody? That Green Arrow wears a hat that can melt, but also that Superman is strongest one there is and is quite fond of putting on a saddle and giving rides to scuba divers who should be looking for treasure with Indiana Jones. (beat) Also, don't just hire the first guy you find on the street. (gets up from his seat and leaves)

(End credits roll)

Not so much "Fury Unleashed" as much as "Fury stops being choked."

I still eagerly await the NEXT Avengers film: "Age of Soggies."

(Stinger: Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays once again, as we then fade in on the following text, read by Linkara...) Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with Nash.


Nash (vo): "Chair".

(Cut to Nash reading from the Super Dictionary)

Nash: (reading in Batman's voice) "Sit in this chair and be quiet. Sit in this seat and be quiet. I will get more chairs for the rest of you."

