How to Overcome a Jealous Adult Child

Updated on June 18, 2019
M.Z. asks from Milo, IA
15 answers

I have 4 children (2 are adults), husband has 2 adult children in their 30’s. His eldest daughter continues to exclude me and my kids from events that should be family oriented. For example, I gave a olive branch and said hey let’s do something special for your dad for Father’s Day, as usual she didn’t like my suggestion even though it was something he really wanted and suggests brunch. I said that would be great! Then a day later, she sends a text to only her brother and father saying they were doing brunch at 11. In which my husband asked if I received the text as well. I told him no and that I have a feeling my kids and I weren’t invited. He said that couldn’t be possible because he’s had this talk with her about excluding me. So I sent her and her brother a note to verify if my kids and I were invited so that we didn’t end up in a awkward position like many times before. A week goes by, I get no response so I politely ask again. Her response was “nothing against you and your kids but I want to do something more comfortable for me”. I showed it to my husband, he called her, and then it was decided to go to coffee so I again asked his daughter if my side was invited in which she replied “my dad would like it if you come but....” stating my kids (2 of which live with us) were not invited. So I told my husband, babe - I won’t be going with you Sunday as she doesn’t want us there. Then he loses his temper (this happens every holiday) and says he doesn’t see why everyone can’t just get along. I have suggested that if his kids want separate time that they should do it on another day so that his adult son (whom I get along with great) doesn’t get put in the middle and my kids don’t feel left out and rejected. I should mention here that my 2 adult children are to the point that when I send them a note and say something has been cancelled, they both immediately respond with “what did she pull now” - so this is effecting my children as well as I raised them to be accepting of everyone. He’s always on board until the day before the event then he throws a temper tantrum. When his daughter doesn’t get her way, he cancels all family events and then when his son steps up and says he wants to come over and have a family event, then I have to hurry up and rearrange the event and notify all of my kids that things are back on. It can never be what I plan, we seem to always focus on what his kids want. Their mother is deceased, they had no relationship with her as deserted them, and I never claim to be their step mother but his son tells everyone I am his mom. I am referred to as the disposable wife and disposable girlfriend which is very hurtful. I make the plans for the family events because he says it’s what he wants - but then he backs down once she says something to him. I change the scenerio and ask him how he would feel if my daughter did what his daughter does - and he says he would be beyond pissed but yet I am not allowed to be upset in the same instance when it is his daughter doing this. it’s constant and never stops and I find him telling me lies (he says they aren’t lies, just partial information so no one gets hurt) about his kids too. Sometimes I feel like I need to just walk away because the stress has landed me in the hospital several times but I have loved him for 25 years, so I can’t and don’t want to do that. 😭 it’s been this way for years, and no I am not codependent. He is the one that is persistent that we do everything together. He is the one that doesn’t want to go do things with them if I am not included. We are in counseling but the counselor agrees that him and I are amazing together, there are never any problems between us until the daughter pulls something like this to upset her dad and make him chose between me and her. And I use to say “our” children but his daughter says frequently that she is the MOM of the family and that I am not to refer to them as part of my family so I respected her request and stopped.

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answers from Chicago on

You sound pretty codependent. Especially with your last statement “I love him more then anything in life”.

What I don’t understand is if you and your husband have children together, or are they your 4 children from another relationship and his 2 children from another relationship? The parentage will influence the solution. I don’t see any statement of ‘our’ children.

Since this is a re-occurring event for each holiday and milestone......flip your script.
Talk to your husband before hand about your plans with him.
Then let him make plans with his daughter (with or without you is fine).
Stay out of their communication.
Invite her to your event. Let it go if she declines.
Follow through, without her, with the initial plans you made and enjoy.

Very concerning that he lies to you.

You also don’t state how long you’ve been married.
It’s ok to have separate celebrations.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

Why does it have to be either or? Why can't your husband have coffee with his two adult kids and they you have a cookout later in the day that the two adult kids are invited to?

I think you just need to make plans, invite her and let it go. If she comes, great. If she doesn't, that's the way it goes. If she does her own thing with her dad or with her dad and her brother, be happy for your husband that he gets to spend time with them. Try not to think of it as your kids being left out. It's not that simple. I like spending time with just one of my kids at a time as well as the two of them together. It's nice to get that one-on-one time.

You can't force this. She doesn't want to include you, and that's her choice. Give it time.

Yesterday, my brother and I had lunch with our parents (that ended up lasting a few hours). We all live near each other and definitely get together, but we wanted some time with them without our spouses and kids. Our parents thanked us and even called later in the evening to thank us again. They needed time with their kids.

Keep inviting her!!! That is very important. Keep inviting her and including her, but also support your husband spending time with his kids that doesn't include you.

If you support the two of them spending time together that doesn't include you, she might come around and begin coming to your get-togethers as well. Give it time and try not to worry about it.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I don't know why this is such a big deal. His daughter doesn't like you (for whatever reason) so just accept that and do your own thing.
As far as him telling you lies about his kids (?) I don't know what that means but a lying husband is never a good thing. Maybe he feels he can't be honest with you because of your temper.
ETA: I have grown kids and am divorced myself. I would never try to force my kids to spend time together with a new husband unless THEY wanted to. I would adjust my expectations and make new traditions.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

So apparently his daughter doesn't like you. Okay she is entitled to her feelings.

She wanted father's day to be her, her brother and dad. Why can't she have that? Why can't it be that they have father's day and then he comes home and celebrates fathers day with your crew? I don't understand why you insist on it being everyone. It doesn't have to be like that. I think you are feeding into the drama and creating drama.

His kids would like fathers day with their father. I don't think that is hard to understand.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You could have titled this: "How to overcome jealous second wife."

You would actually "walk away" from your husband over a lunch?

This is seriously incomprehensible to me. Do you have to spend every waking moment by your husband's side? Doesn't that get boring? His daughter obviously DOESN'T WANT YOU THERE, for whatever reason. It's time to finally accept that. Not everyone on the planet will want your company, and you can still have a very happy life, depending entirely upon your attitude. You have turned holidays into occasions for family drama, instead of accepting the message she is trying to tell you, that she wants to have time with him without you and your children. There is no need to be hurt or offended by that. So let her have her time with her father and brother without you and your kids. I think that's valid. That is her family, you and your children are not.

Your husband gets mad because you are putting him in the middle. I'm guessing he would be perfectly happy to spend time with his daughter and son by himself, but he knows that he's going to get a lot of grief from you over it. Why don't you just kindly allow him to go, and set up another time for your own family event, which can include the adult son, since you get along with him. Don't worry about what day anything falls on. It's the getting together that matters, not the name of the holiday.

Don't put your husband through this any more. Your kids won't care unless you make a big deal out of this. Would you really prefer to have a fight with your husband every holiday over such pettiness (yours)? What kind of holiday is that? Be giving, stop making it about yourself, and let your husband spend alone time with his other family.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I don't have a problem with families not celebrating together. I can think of a lot of families where, if handled well/tactfully, this actually would work out better.

I also don't have a problem with an adult daughter (or any aged kid) wanting to take their dad out for brunch without others present. I think kids doing something special on their own with dad is totally cool. One of ours did a bonfire with dad all on their own last night, another had movie date, etc.

I think the real issue is "I just don't feel respected or appreciated".

I don't think you can leap to conclusions that she doesn't care about her dad's happiness. That's not the same thing.

I would accept she's not interested in you (then move on, it probably isn't even personal), and stop trying to force it. Then you'll have more self respect.

As for your husband? That's who I would be more concerned with. Why is he lying to you? ETA: I also agree with Elayne - why the whole "I love him more than anything in life?" - that stood out to me as a bit intense.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

NO way I would live in a clusterf..k like you describe.

Your husband is allowing himself to be walked all over by the drama queen. He needs a backbone.

This whole story sounds like a bunch of self centered drama queens competing for the top spot.

My personal happiness and relationships with MY children would take priority over that cluster.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I suggest that you are a part of your husbands daughter drama. You know she doesn't invite you so why do you ask her if you're invited? When you suggested a brunch, you know she'll not include you. She has shown you who she is. Believe her. You cannot change her. You can change your reaction.

I suggest that celebrating on the actual day of Father's Day or birthday is causing you a lot of anger that only hurts you and your husband and kids. You can invite everyone to a brunch/party/get together on a different day. In this situation, you vould've planned a brunch invite everyone. She can come or not. Consider her like a fly that flies in to be a nuisance but not so important.

Stop trying to get her to include you. You take back control of your life. You celebrate. You plan what you want to do with family without making what she does important.

I suggest your husband gets angry because he can't change his sister. He wants to include you and perhaps feels he should be able to make this work. He's caught in the middle. Instead of placing blame on him, thank him for trying.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

This is pretty dysfunctional and it sounds like your husband isn't dealing with it at all. I'm a stepmother with a son (with my husband) and 2 stepdaughters. They are pretty limited women for a variety of reasons. I get your hurt. Like you, I used to be in charge of event planning. My suggestions are these:

1. You can't fix his daughter.
2. If he wants to see his kids from his first family, fine. He can do that. But do not ask her if you are invited.
3. Normally I'd have said that a text to him included his family, but that doesn't seem to be the pattern here. There's already a problem, so putting yourself in the middle makes no sense and it makes you the bad guy. Your husband makes the arrangements. Period.
4. Your husband needs to stop having hissy fits. If he cancels things, then they stay canceled. If his son steps up (which is nice), then why are you the one running around trying to prep meals and whatnot? The son and dad pick up take out and that's the end of it. Enjoy the company, not the food/entertainment.
5. Your husband is immature if he gets really mad but then won't allow you to be fazed by problems. He's not emotionally supportive of you. It's nice that you love him so much, but part of him loving you is caring about your mental health. So you guys need some marital counseling.
6. He tells you lies about his kids???? That's a huge red flag and unacceptable in my book. Counseling. Now.
7. Your children are learning how to be a dad (or choose a partner) from him. Is this what you want them learning? Do you want them being the 2nd spouse to someone with a prior family and running around like you do? Stop the madness.

I know it hurts. I do. You need someone to support you and help you figure out a strategy going forward. Doing things the same way over and over while expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

she sounds awful, your husband sounds harassed and wishy washy, and you seem incredibly self-centered.

i see no good solutions to this mess.

what a bunch of drama queens.


5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

First off - you don’t need the drama.

For the next holiday, speak with your husband and make a plan. Invite everyone. Whoever shows participates. If she calls and wants something else, he needs to tell her that’s fine, but it needs to be on a different day.
End of subject.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Why isn't your Hubby and his daughter hashing this out between them and letting you know who wins when it's over?
He wants family all together and daughter will not go along with that concept.

As for you - you shouldn't desire or need the daughters respect, appreciation or approval.
For that matter your Hubby shouldn't either.
All of you are giving this daughter way too much power.
Who died and made her the Queen of England?
If she wants to cut off her nose to spite her face - let her.

Your husband could use some therapy so he grows a backbone and tells his daughter where she can get off.
You need to get out of the middle of this.
Cut off all contact with this daughter, no phone number, no facebook, no texting.
All communication will be between Hubby and his daughter - you need to refuse all requests to contact her.
Not your monkey - not your circus.
Hubby can call daughter and tell her what he is going to do and she can join in or not but plans will not change around her beck and call.

It might very well be that this daughter never has anything to do with all of you ever again.
If that is what she decides - then who needs her?
Let her go.
Your lives and the planet will spin on just fine without her.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

You have to disengage from his daughter. You are giving her opportunities to assert her dominance over and over. Leave her alone.

Tell your husband that from now on, he gets to manage the social calendar for holidays and if he decides on something last minute, he picks up food. No last minute cooking on your part unless it’s something simple like spaghetti.

Invite your kids away from holidays yourself, without caring about your husband’s thoughts on the subject. Just inform him that they are coming.

Don’t worry about his son. It’s up to your husband to manage that relationship.

No more talking about his children to him. Since he’s lying to you about them, tell him you don’t want to hear it. If you don’t want to know what’s going on with his kids, he has no reason to lie to you. If he asks why you don’t want to know, tell him flat out that he has been untruthful to you about them, and you’re sick of it.

Once you extricate yourself from this drama, life will be better for everyone. You are buying into his daughter’s drama. You are buying into your husband’s drama. No more! You see your own kids and stop dealing with anyone else.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

You sound like a very nice person and it sounds like his daughter is using that.

Honestly I would put my foot down and and be a bit firm and “bossy”. And during the next all get together I would say sometime to her in front of all. Not confrontational but “ hey we are all gathering here for thanksgiving.. ( her name) I hope it’s not a problem for you” also would not ask certain things but inform her of what is going to happen. But that’s my personality. I will not let anyone walk all over me.. and if a step daughter doesn’t like me-her loss.

And no offense your hubby needs to grow a pair and at some point not have an adult child spoil his like. If she can’t/won’t make it.. life goes on!

And another poster said “ why can’t his kids have a Father’s Day with their dad” we’ll because it a combined family with remarriages, adult kids and kids together.. why should your kids together be without their father?! Sound $tupid to me!

Woman, put your big girls underwear on and put your foot down.. after all that’s what his daughter was &itching about! Don’t be a doormat for anyone!( especially a grown up that can’t get over her dads wife) good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

Wow, how frustrating! I guess I would try hard not to put myself in the middle anymore. Let him talk to his daughter and try to deal with it every time. You really can't control her and how she feels about things and how she acts. When you want to you plan an event and invite everyone and expect her to not come. If she plans an event and only invites her dad and brother let your husband deal with that. For example, for this father's day brunch if you had not said anything to your husband then today he would have just said, come on everyone, time to get in the car! Then he'd drive you all to the restaurant and she would be upset bc you and your two kids came the same time your husband would expect everyone to be invited and she would have to explain to him she only made reservations for x number of people. In this scenario you stay out of it, and she looks like the bad guy. She's a self centered person that's for sure...and a jerk. Some people cannot deal with change and cannot ever accept and love someone if they are not blood family. It's sad. :( Your husband needs to be the one to talk to her and lay down the law...and if he has no backbone around her and lets her get away with this kind of stuff then he is a huge part of the problem.

1 mom found this helpful
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