Thursday, 3 January 2013


To be frank, if we ever manage to turn around again I'll be very surprised.  I feel 'lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut' and I truly don't know what to do to rectify the situation - or even if I want to rectify it.  

Over the last twenty four hours I seem to have gone into a tail spin from which there is no return.  The ground is looming ever closer and I simply don't have the strength to pull up in time.

I thought we were fine.  I knew, that it would be inevitable that there would be little bumps and cracks to cope with in the future.  But I hadn't realised just how soon I would be trying to ride out an earthquake of epic proportions.  I say "I" because I'm not even sure Starman felt the ground shake at all.

Yesterday was a good day apart from the fact that my grandson has caught a case of chickenpox and that means I am not able to go near him until he is declared better again.  Unfortunately it is one childhood illness that I have never succumbed to.  And that makes life quite difficult.  Even at school the children know not to go anywhere near "Miss" if they are recovering from chickenpox!

So anyway, I spent a half hour or so after dinner, compiling a short questionnaire for Starman.  I think there were only about eight questions.  It's something that a good friend told me she had done in her early days, and to tell the truth it was something that I had already debated about.  I felt I needed to get one or two answers, and I couldn't bring myself to ask out loud.

So I gave this list to Starman just as I was going to bed.  I told him that I needed to know how he felt about certain things.  I asked him not to leave the list lying around where it could be discovered.  He looked a bit uncertain, but agreed to read it when I had gone upstairs.

The moon woke me up by shining directly in the bedroom window on my face, at around 2pm.  I rolled over to face Starman - and he wasn't there.  I sat up in bed.  I heard snores coming from the spare room.  I lay there, heart pounding, for at least an hour before I managed to drop off back to sleep.  So many thoughts were going round my head that I thought it would burst.  We only do the "spare room" thing if one of us has to be up to go somewhere exceptionally early in the morning, or if one of us is sick.

By eight o'clock Starman still hadn't surfaced, so I went downstairs and made him his usual cup of tea.  I noticed that our son hadn't gone to work, and that he was still in his room.  I took Starman's tea and my coffee into our room and put them down on our bedside tables.  Starman got up and came into the room behind me, arranged his pillows and got into bed.  I just stared at him, waiting for an explanation.

He told me he  had fallen asleep downstairs and that it was so late he didn't want to disturb me.  He said he felt really tired and that the late nights over the holiday had caught up with him.  He sat drinking his tea as if there was nothing wrong.  I mentioned that our son hadn't gone to work.  "He's gotten a dose of that flue-type cold that we've all had.  He's sorted his men out for the day, but he's coughing so much he's decided that they'll have to do without him today."

Oh.  I settled back into my pillows.  We talked generalities for a while, and then Starman said he would have to get up as he had lots to do.  I looked at him and smiled.  "Don't forget it's Thursday" I reminded him.

"Oh I can't do things like that today.  I only spanked you Tuesday.  That'll have to do this week.  We can't do it anyway with No 1 Son at home.  I'd be so embarrassed if he heard us.  He did once you know.  I can't go there again, no way. "  He shrugged.

My face was a picture.

Then he started up about the questionnaire.

"What am I meant to do about that thing?" he asked.  "You simply dropped it and ran."

I did my best to explain it and to say that I would value his input.  I needed a little help with this 'submissive' thing.  I needed to know what he really thought and felt that by giving him a questionnaire it would give him a chance to mull things over.

"But," he said "all you seem to be doing is putting things in front of me and saying 'Do this'.  So instead of being submissive you are still trying to call the shots.  So no maintenance, or whatever it's called, today, and that's final."  

I looked at him.


My eyes started to fill.  He couldn't have read the bit where I explained how much better I felt after it, and that I looked forward to it each week, and that I relied on him.

"And as far as suggesting that I help you with exercise and weight loss.  And that we draw up a short list of tasks for you to do each week around the house.  Or penalites!  Where has all this come from?! "

So we sat while I went into the four Ds in more detail giving examples.  We sat while I explained that the HOH was usually happy to ensure his TIH complied, and that he would support and encourage her.  We sat while I offered to give him reading material from some of the blogs.

"Are you saying there are other people who do this then?" he demanded.

I explained that there were a great many people who found this dynamic a helpful and enriching part of their lives.  And that it worked.

"Well if you think I'm going to beat you every time you slip up with a rule, you've got another think coming.  It's amazing that we seem to have come this far in our marriage without this submission business."

I'm crying by now and can't speak.

"I'll bet it's that bloody book that's started all this isn't it?!"  He snorts angrily.  

I found my voice at last and told him emphatically that although the book had certainly given me ideas, I had read it quite a long time ago, and that many other factors had led me to a realisation that I actually liked to be spanked, and that I was fed up with the leadership struggle that had been going on for years in our household, and that I was quite happy to be second in command.  Spanking wasn't beating, and I doubted he would ever spank much harder than he had the time he bruised me; and I hadn't suffered because of that!  And if he did, well, so what, I would get over it.

But he wasn't convinced.  I cried harder.

"Look" he said at last.  "You've dumped all this on my shoulders without any warning whatsoever, and you expect me to suddenly change and do everything according to these rules.  Well I can't.  It's all too much.  We've been fine all along.  And now you want to change everything."

"Well you may think we have been fine all along" I told him.  "But I don't agree.  I'm bored to death with 'us' at the moment.  I feel like we're just two people sharing living accommodation.  We're in a rut Starman.  And it's a very deep rut!  And I can't cope with it any more.  So I'm desperately trying to do something about it.  And I don't feel as if you are even listening to what I am saying.  

You always used to write me lists when we were first married.  You didn't think that was strange then."

"Well, I can't remember those days.  Surely not."

"Yes you did!  And you have always, always, had the final say on anything.  It's always you who decides."  


"And you know bloody well that I've never, ever, refused you sex.  And we have an exciting sex life.  Better now than ever.  You don't complain about the submissive parts of that do you?!"


"So why is it so hard to just take this a little bit further along."

"I just can't spank you on purpose to hurt.  I simply can't and I won't."

"But it hurts when we play spank.  And it hurts when you spank with the wooden paddle.  So what's the difference?"

"The difference is that I would know I was setting out to hurt you - for stupid little things."

"Look.  I'm not exactly going to do stupid little things all the time.  I'm not going to exactly encourage you to be mad at  me.  That's not how it works.  It's only for my own good.  It's to remind me not to repeat anything unacceptable to you.  It's to stop me getting stressed and het up.  It's a reinforcement and establishment of ground rules."

"Ha!"  He latched on to that one.  "If you don't know ground rules after all these years, then it's time you did!  

I'm getting up!"

I remained in bed for a while trying not to cry and not succeeding.  

This hadn't gone well and all sorts of stupid thoughts were going through my head.  I so wished I hadn't given him the wretched questionnaire in the first place.  But I felt it was necessary that he knew how I felt, and that I needed to know some answers.   I had been very careful to phrase everything respectfully.

I eventually got up and showered, then I went down and made some toast.  It was getting late and I had supermarket shopping to do, and the remainder of the Christmas decorations to take down and put away in the loft.  In between I had laundry to get on with.

Starman sat across the table from me.

"I don't know why you keep on getting so upset about things." He looked at me.  "I look after you don't I?  And as for being bored - we always go on nice holidays.  I've always taken you on holiday every year since we were married."

He looked smug but worried.  (Reader, let me just tell you that I've also taken him on many, many holidays, and that I am not concerned with 'that type' of boredom.)

"I suppose if you want a list we could have a mutual list with S and A next to the various tasks.  We could then help each other work through them perhaps?

Of course, when you've retired you will have time to do all sorts of things.  You should do some charity work you know.  You can't be sitting around here all day can you?"

Well, it wasn't exactly ideal, but it was a starter.  

But he still wasn't 'getting it'.

"And perhaps we could both do with cutting down a little.  It's not my fault that you're such a good cook" he said defensively.

Perhaps the right direction?  I don't know any more.

It's evening and he's at Rotary and I'm exhausted and could still cry buckets at the drop of a hat.  I feel completely flattened.  

I just don't know whether it will work out or not.  

I feel like the big, bad wolf.

He's going along in a happy little bubble and now I've come along and burst his bubble.

The trouble is that I've tried really hard over the last few months to be nicer, kinder, more submissive, less likely to jump down his throat at the drop of a hat.  

I think I have been in this Dd  in my head far longer than the six weeks we have been trying to live with it.  And as far as I am concerned it is just what the doctor ordered.

But Starman isn't getting it.  His reaction is exactly what mine was when I first started reading the blogs way back last summer.  He doesn't yet understand.  And I wonder whether he ever really will.  And I wonder what will happen to us if he doesn't.

Slough of Despond here I come!

PS  This is the shortened version of our conversations.  We did, actually, discuss the four Ds in some detail and he wasn't against them; just confused with it all.  I think he isn't against the 'theory' of it.  It's the spanking part that is proving such an obstacle.  I asked him about how he felt when I nagged, and to put it into his own words "...constantly chipped away at him".  He said he hated it, but he had learned to simply leave me alone for several days and I would snap out of it.   I just wish he would 'snap' me out of it immediately!


  1. I'm so sorry Ami :( obviously I know what it feels like to be the only one in it, I wasn't but he just didn't "get it". Maybe give starman a day to process? Maybe remind him that it's consensual? It's not that you're asking him to "beat" you, you're just asking him to help you.

    I always wonder how I really ever brought this up to my fireman and how he didn't go running, lol.

    I hope everything works out.

    Love & hugs,

    1. Thanks Elle. Yesterday was really awful and we are still suffering from after-shocks. I'll be posting the second half when I get my thoughts in order. Hugs, Ami

  2. Ami, I am so very sorry to hear that you are at an impasse with your hubby. Men and women seem to come to this lifestyle in very different ways, and definitions and working models of dd are as unique as the people who practice it.
    Your hubby is not the first one I have heard who was confused about what was being asked of him. Ian told me once that he would never spank me again......snort. We worked through it and things are going good right now, but it was a very difficult time.
    Ian told me that he simply didn't understand why any woman would want that - if it wasn't a kink, and he had no interest in allowing me to get involved in that life. It took a great deal of talking and reading, but he came to the realization of what I needed.
    Have you read the letter to HoHs on Mick's blog? It is very helpful and I have recommended it to a number of people.
    I have been asked for Ian's letter to a reader who was reluctant from a couple of people. It is on the old blog, but I could look it up for you, if you like....
    I was just thinking as I was reading your blog earlier today that you guys were certainly moving along rapidly in the lifestyle, and maybe this is a good thing. If you both didn't have a clear understanding of what was needed from each other, perhaps clearing the air now rather than later is good.... It doesn't mean that things are ended dd speaking, just that you need to straighten things out and move forward on the same page.
    I hope that makes sense and good luck, sweetie.

    1. Thanks Lillie. I have talked through Mick's letter to HOH but I really don't think it cut it with Starman. He's still suffering post traumatic stress from 'information overload'. Last night was hell and I will post about it, but today has been calmer. You need to read my next post I think. It looks as if things are going to get worse before they get better. I should love Ian's letter to a reader who was reluctant. Erotic spanking doesn't bother Starman - and he'll really go at it as my bruises proved, but it's the thought of hitting me hard with an implement for slipping up with a rule, that he can't cope with at the moment. I remember when I first started reading Finding Sara around last June how shocked I was. I didn't understand it at all. But I was willing to try. And just look where it has all led!

      It seems I have opened a can of worms, and I now have to deal with the consequences. I hope you'll understand more after my next post.

      Hugs, Ami

  3. Ami dear - First, take a deep breath, now exhale.

    Give him a few days to process your conversation. After that, find a time when you two have time alone to sit down and discuss some specific examples. For example, ask him if it wouldn't be nicer for him not to have to avoid you for several days when you start "... constantly chipping away at him"? Wouldn't he like to have his sweet wife back immediately? I'm sure you can think of several other examples.

    Many men get very overwhelmed when their wives bring DD to them for several reasons;
    1. They may be so used to the status quo that they don't realize the relationship is not what it used to be. Sorta like you watch your children grow every day and don't realize how much they've grown until someone comments or they grow out of their shoes/clothing. :)
    2. You have done quite a bit of research/reading/thinking about DD before you ever brought it to him. You have processed everything and are 'ready to go'! Whereas he is probably still in the processing stage.
    3. Men have been taught all their lives not to 'beat/hit' women and can't wrap their minds around spanking their wife for anything other than a bit of slap and tickle.
    4. Society has put a lot of stress on 'equality' in the home as well as the workplace, never taking into account the emotional differences between men and women.

    Meanwhile, try to find and show your submissive self to your Starman.

    We are all here if you need to vent. Sending healing (((hugs))) and prayers that things work out between you soon.


    1. Ami - Lillie's comment slid in while I was still writing my 'book' - I definitely recommend reading Mick's letter to HoHs and asking Lillie to find Ian's letter for you. Think they will both be very helpful to your Starman.

    2. Actually Cat I didn't realise quite how bad things were till we started talking last night. Read my next post. I'm a horrible person. I just wish I had known about Dd years ago. I'm lucky to still have a husband. No wonder he is now finding it hard to cope with this new dynamic I've suddenly thrust upon his shoulders. I have to go slowly and carefully at the moment, but I have Mick's letter and there is some very good stuff in it. I've asked Lillie to find Ian's letter for me too. I need HOHs' points of view on this one. Hugs, Ami

  4. "He just doesn't seem to get it".....I so understand this. I have talked, written e-mails, letters, etc. till I am blue in the face. Sometimes I feel I'm not worth the effort to my dh. My dh also doesn't think anything was wrong so why does anything need fixing. Honestly, I give up and then tell myself no! the point is to improve our union and I try again. Don't give up because your intent is good. We've been married 29 yrs and I do think it is harder after so much time because they have learned to live with our quirks (nagging or disrespect) and to them it is just how married life is. Good Luck!

    1. Hello There! Welcome! You are so right, Starman has simply learned to turn the other cheek. I feel very miserable and guilty about it all. I will be posting again soon. Hugs, Ami

  5. Your last paragraph could have been taken from my book. I've been wishing that for years and it never has and never will happen. I've just come to accept it because our many conversations haven't changed his mind one iota. I wish you better luck

    1. Oh Sunny, hi! I never say never! But things are pretty bad at the moment. I am going to post again because so much stuff has come to the surface and I'm feeling very fragile. It's so good to have friends at times like these. Hugs, Ami

  6. The spanking part is definitely one that some guys take a while to come around on. It goes against everything they've been taught all their lives. It's been drilled into their heads since childhood that you don't hit girls.

    It might help Starman if he knew that not every HoH punishes for every little offense. Take us for instance. I'm not a morning person and I can get a little cranky in the morning. Most of the time Steve will let that go with just a warning. However, if I go too far (like the other day when I told him to bite me when he warned me) or it's an ongoing thing (like I've been irritable with him all day), he does punish then.

    Another thing to consider is that if you've been thinking, reading and researching about DD for a while, you may be pretty far ahead of him and hard as it is, you're going to have to be patient and let him catch up. I know it's not easy to wait. I didn't mention DD to Steve until over a year after I first started thinking about it. It was a struggle to be patient with him because I was ready for him to be on the same page as I was.

    One last bit of advice. I noticed you mentioned that Starman had said you were trying to tell him what to do. This one of the hardest things for me to let go of and I suspect I'm not alone in it. Even though we want this, we want it to match up to this picture we have in our head. However, if you truly want him to lead, you need to let him lead in his own way. It might not necessarily match the picture in your head or what you read on another blog, but it will be the right thing for the two of you.


    1. Hi Dana. Your comments make a lot of sense to me. Yes, it would do Starman good to know that it's the important offenses that are the punishable ones and not every silly little thing. He already knows I am making a supreme effort to step back from trying to interfere with his leadership. He knows that I ultimately defer to him, but I think already the six weeks we have been doing this, he is noticing that life is more peaceful. So it took you a year? Wow. I always have been a 'bull at a gate' kind of person. I definitely need him to lead in his own way, and yes, I do know that we're all different in the way we practise Dd and that I shouldn't have some stupid picture in my head of how it should be. I will be posting again on this, so any more comments would be very welcome indeed. Hugs, Ami

    2. It took a year and a half to be exact. I wasn't sure how he'd react to it. I was scared he'd think I finally lost my marbles. So it took me a while to work up my nerve.

      There's nothing wrong with having a picture in your head. Just don't be disappointed if it doesn't match completely up with the reality of your relationship. You can use that picture as a jumping off point though. Sit down and talk to him about ideas that you think would be helpful, but make sure he knows that you're just offering suggestions, not telling him how to do it. There's a fine line there and it's easy to get on the wrong side of that line, but with practice it will be better.

  7. Oh goodness Ami, I feel sick.

    When I told you about my questionaire, I said we did it before ttwd. And it was filled with silly things, like how I wore my hair, and types of underwear..well and things like what made him feel special. None of those things have ever been a rule.
    They are just things I try to keep in mind to make Barney see I am focused on him.

    If your questions were along those lines, then maybe there is more to it with Starman. Like the others said, it takes a while...a LONG while for them to catch up to our line of thinking- and we are still not there -Barney and I.

    Yes, today I sit with my first, very sore bottom due to a punishment, but it was a grievous error on my part, that endangered my health. Barney is still wrapping his head around the whole punishment for undesirable behaviour and even though exercise is in the rules, that too.

    I know we were all excited for you with your maintenance and your erotic spankings that SM has been so good about giving, and sometimes our enthusiasm places the reader in a false sense of where they are in Dd. SOMETIMES.

    No one wants to hear it takes time. To be patient. That your head is in a different place than his. The thing is, and it sucks, because we live in a world of quick fixes, but it is repeated over and over because it is true.

    Those little things at the end, that you noticed, they might not be so little. Perhaps he is shifting a little. Would he be open to letting you write another HoH with some of his questions and concerns about the things he is having difficulty with? At the very start of our adventure I did that for Barney, and it was a tremendous help for him. Knowing where this now VERY HoHy Man (wink) is and what he thought at the beginning of this whole adventure with his wife. I kept the email and read it to myself often to remind me there is another side to this.

    Don't despair. Your adventure into ttwd has brought great things already to your relationship. The two of you will figure out YOUR way of doing things- together, through communication.


    1. Oh Willie, not half as sick as I feel at the moment I can assure you. But don't feel guilty about the questionnaire. They were my own questions, very respectfully phrased, and I just hoped he would smile and give me some information that I could work on. But he felt I was backing him into a corner. I will be posting again on this because there is so much more and because I now hate myself. I feel the worst wife ever!

      I can't imagine what it must feel like to have a sore bottom the next day! Despite my bruises my bum was numb the first time we used the butter paddle. And the next day the redness had gone completely and the bruises didn't hurt much because I went out and bought Arnica gel (it cost me £10 for a small tube!!). I was really worried that you had alcohol poisoning though Willie! I can absolutely understand Barney taking action.

      Would you mind me emailing you because you've "been there, done that" and I could do with someone to help calm me down. Things aren't good Willie. Hugs, Ami

    2. Ami, know you can email me ANYTIME!

  8. I'm so sorry to read that you have gone through so much. Somtimes TTWD doesen't feel like success. Somtimes it tries us and somtimes it hurts somtimes we feel like we are in a different sphere altogeather and nowhere near the same page. Make him understand how important this is to you, communication and love are the key... Please feel free to ask myself or June any questions you may have.


    1. Ward how very kind of you to care enough to comment. It's so good to hear from some of the men in this. I really want to turn us around and make improvements. I thought we were doing so well, and now everything has collapsed around my ears. I've had to listen to some very hard truths this last twenty four hours. I will be putting up a new post shortly. Any opinions will be valued I can assure you. Thank you both so much for your help so far. Hugs, Ami

  9. That would be awesome, Lillie - that's a great post & I still send people your way on that :) (hint-hint). Mick's post is here And if he has any questions he's welcome to email Ward, HoH to HoH (((hugs)))

    1. Hi June, Your husband is a star! I have Mick's post already and will wait for Lillie's email. HoH to HoH is excellent, but I think he can't cope with any more at the moment. We need to work through this a little at a time. I'm still in shock from our talk last night. But today hasn't been too bad. I will be posting again soon. Hugs, Ami

    2. Understand, sweetie, the offer remains open :) And even if you just wanna vent - I'm here. (((hugs)))

  10. Oh Ami, I'm so sorry to hear this. You have had a lot of great advice already above and I'm not really sure what I can add.

    When it is a case of us bringing Dd to our husband, it does take him a while to 'catch on' to the idea, let alone to come on board with it. After all, this is something we have been reading about, researching etc for a while before bringing it to him. He has to catch up and have time to do the thinking we've already done.

    The spanking part is very hard for them to get their heads around - how can she possibly want this? The posts Lillie mentions are both excellent. Though not as indepth, I also published a conversation I had with my husband on the subject which you can find here

    Keep communicating with Starman and try and make him understand why this is important to you. Give him more information on the subject and give him time to process and show him your submissive self in the meantime.

    Please feel free to contact me also.


    1. Hi Roz, good to hear from you. I'm feeling a bit like a wrung out dishcloth at the moment. Last night was terrible in the extreme. Today is a little better, but I do feel so very flattened. My next post will try to explain what took place. We need to work towards some form of agreement and I will be moving very slowly indeed. I need the ground to stop shaking first. I will definitely read your blog a word with boss man reluctant hoh. Thank you so much. Hugs, Ami

  11. All I can say Ami - is talk, talk talk and take your time.
    I appealed to Daddy Jack's masculinity but telling him
    I was tired of fighting with him and needed his help
    to unlearn all my bad habits and the only way I could do this was with his help. He totally saw the light that I needed his firm hand to get me where I wanted to be.
    Make a list together with all the things you two would like to change and take a few of them at a time.
    I wrote about this on my blog and when Jack read it, he understood me and my needs better.
    Hope things work out for you!
    Jack's Jill

    1. Hi Jill, I agree that talking is probably the most important thing to do when you start out. I've offered to let Starman read my blog, but he doesn't want to. Maybe when he gets more used to the idea of blogging. But he does understand where I am coming from now. I hope things work out too. Thank you for your help. Hugs, Ami

  12. Ami--Everyone has already said it all. I'm so sorry that you are hurting like this. I can imagine exactly how it would feel. Be gentle with yourself and with him and take it slow. He may catch up in time if he feels less pressure. Everyone here has some great ideas for you.

    1. Hi Susie, I didn't realise I had so many friends who were willing to help at a time like this. You are right, I think Starman will catch up when he feels less pressure. We just have to go slow at the moment. Hugs, Ami

  13. You know,y husband always has kinda spanked, but he has a very hard time with the labels and structure of dd or ttwd. I remember asking him what he meant about spanking and how he differentiates. He was saying he didn't get the discipline aspect, but loves the erotic. I was quite a bit amazed and said well what is it you do when I'm yelling or nuts and his words described discipline.... He said it was to take control,or bring me back, or let me know how something made him feel.
    Go figure! I don't get it but maybe that is common with some men?
    I guess we aren't traditional dd but more ttwd with a flavor of dd at times who knows? Maybe it just will evolve naturally for you guys.

    1. Hi Minelle, yes, this discipline thing gets men all tangled up. I'll just have to see how things pan out. So just fun spankings for the time being. It could be worse, at least Starman is open to the idea of spanking. Thanks for your help. Hugs, Ami