Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Q: I have a printing problem. I recently installed an OS X update and now I can’t print. What should I do?

A: You will want to delete the printer in Print Center, repair permissions and then set up the printer again.

Q: OK, let me try that. OK… deleting…. repairing… OK… Let me try to print now… Ooh, it’s working! Hey, that’s great! I think I’m in love!

A: Dude.

Q: Oh! No. Heh. No, I mean the kind of love a man has for, like, baseball. You know… platonic manly love. Not… hot, sweaty man love. ‘Cause I’m not into the man on man thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with it for other people if that’s what they’re into… I just… well, you know I gave it some thought in college and boy did that make me uncomfortable! Ha-ha! It was like, WOW! Is that how they do it? Because I so don’t want that! I’ll just put that back into that little mental box I never open! Ha-ha! So, yeah, seriously, no. No. Just… sort of the love of two good buddies not two… uh… good buddies who… like…

A: Dude.

Q: I’m just making it worse, aren’t I. But, seriously, though, I’m not gay.

Q: I noticed that Konfabulator got updated to version 1.6 which MacCentral says is “optimized for Panther.” What does that mean? “Optimized for Panther”? Vendors throw that out there but does anyone know what that means? What is this so-called optimization?

A: Oh, no. No, that’s just a marketing phrase, like “New and improved!” It doesn’t mean anything. It might mean something to them… like, damn, I had to re-code all that stuff just to get it to… uh… fabulate again. But it doesn’t mean anything to you.

Q: Oh. Kind of like “Now with lanolin”?

A: Uh… well… yeah, I guess. Although… I guess that would mean they actually did add lanolin… which might mean something to you.

Q: It doesn’t. Well, how about “The choice of five out of seven Asian porn stars”?

A: What? Where did you see that one?

Q: Actually, it’s on a flyer that came with iLife.

A: Wow. I had no idea Asian porn stars were big users of iLife. I mean… it’s not inconceivable, but…

Q: Oh, wait, wait, wait. That’s not iLife! Jeez, how did that get in there?! Ha-ha! See, it’s actually…

A: You know what? I don’t think I want to know.

Q: I was struck by the coincidental timing of Real Networks fatwa to Apple and Osama bin Laden’s offer of a truce to Europe. It kind of got me thinking… how would Steve Jobs deal with terrorism?

A: Oh, please, there would be no terrorism if Steve were in charge.

Q: Really? You think?

A: Certainly. Everything would be nothing but puppies and kittens and we’d all live in a gingerbread house next to a chocolate lake and it’d be happy spring fun time!

Q: Hmm. Interesting. Well, that brings up a lot of questions, though. Like… how does one go about enacting happy spring fun time legislation? I mean, how would Steve go about implementing this vision?

A: Well, I believe it begins in committee. And while your legislative assistants are putting together the bill language, you have to get industry backing by working closely with the lobbyists.

Q: I see. So, I’m guessing here, in your happy spring fun time example, it would be the powerful gingerbread and chocolate industries instead of, say, defense contractors.

A: Oh, well, the magical candy land would have to be protected by killer cyborgs. Did I not mention that?

Q: Oh. No.

A: Ha-ha! Well, yeah, you can’t have magical candy land without killer cyborgs roaming the perimeter and vaporizing any intruders with their hideous death rays! That’s just… silly.