Friday, 4 January 2013

Tsunami! Tsunami!

I feel as if I am in a dark place at the moment.  The tidal wave has crashed in hitting us with full force; but it's the general detritus in the murky water that has done the damage.  I feel very numb from the force of the icy water.  Now it's retreated, and upon turning around to face back in the right direction once more, I can see the road has been washed away in parts and it'll mean taking very small steps and feeling our way to ensure that the ground is strong enough to hold our weight.

Last night Starman and I had one of the most difficult heart-to-hearts of our married life.  We sat in the kitchen whilst I drank copious glasses of water because my mouth kept drying up, and he leaned against the Aga and drank scotch.

I waited for him to return from Rotary.  As time went on I got more and more nervous and demented, full of thoughts about our day and what we had talked about.

In truth, the day itself wasn't that bad.  But I still felt very despondent from the morning's 'non-discussion' session.  I noticed that Starman had made quite an effort to act in a normal way.  But I had a lead weight in my stomach.

He walked in the door and I just burst into loud and spectacular sobbing.  Naturally he wanted to know what on earth I was crying for, yet again.  So we went through the morning's scenario once more, as I tried to explain that I felt we were in a rut, we weren't communicating properly, our marriage was slipping into lethargy.  Etc, etc.  

He told me that he wondered what was wrong with me.  I was always in tears.  I had thrust something on him that he wasn't happy about.  Instead of my usual self I was trying to get him to take on a personna that he felt intimidated by.  And now a questionnaire or all things.  What on earth for?!  

Because I thought you could give me some indication of your feelings, because I know I can be difficult, because I want to end this monotonous life we seem to have slipped into, because I want to take a step back and let you be the leader in this, because I realise that I could take the lead in Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew" and because I want to change.

It's since you read that bloody book.  And now you're getting all these ideas on the internet.  You've been acting far too emotional for some time now.  What the hell's going on?!

From there it went rapidly downhill.  

Starman rarely shouts when he's angry.  He is quiet and cutting.  He is good at words.  He doesn't hold back.

A whole range of topics were aired - from our sex lives to our social life to our working lives to our day-to-day existence with each other over the last 35 years.  It was awful.  Because we weren't shouting (Starman was quietly incandescent and I was sobbing and sniffling for England) it seemed much worse.  We weren't slinging insults, no, not at all.  But we were telling it how it is, how it was, how it could be, to each other.

He admitted he has enjoyed these last six weeks.  That the house has been much more peaceful and that I have been loving and accommodating.  That he is happy to oblige with my desire to be spanked once a week, but that for him, the thought of using spanking as a punishment is more than he can contemplate at the moment.  He was really thrown by me putting on my questionnaire that I would expect to pay penalties for not living by the rules, ie getting some exercise, focussing on finishing off some jobs that have remained unfinished for over a year, eating healthily.  I tried to explain but to no avail.  Our conversation continued and I asked him if I had improved as far as nagging him, interrupting him when he was talking to me, complaining that he wasn't doing things right, was concerned.

I know I can be a harridan, I told him.  He agreed.  Then he told me something that tipped my world upside down.

"You are much better than you were once upon a time" he said.  "I nearly left you fourteen years ago.  I couldn't stand you a minute longer."

The colour drained from my face.  I gulped and cried harder, trying to take swigs of water because my  mouth was so dry.  I honestly couldn't say a word.  My brain seized up completely.  I actually felt as if everything was moving in slow motion like on the films.

"Then why didn't you?" I gasped.

"I don't know" he replied.  "I guess I thought I'd give it another shot.  But you were awful.  I couldn't say anything to you.  You leapt down my throat immediately.  You just bulldozed your way around all the time.  You were the same with everybody.  The kids hated it.

Then you started to change.  You got better.  You weren't so snappy.

But remember when I slept in the spare room a lot.  It wasn't just work.  You just didn't want me near you. Every time I made an effort you pushed me away.  

I suppose I stayed because I still loved you."

I rested my head on my folded arms.  I was too exhausted to cry any more.  I was throbbing with misery.  I kept thinking I would wake up any minute from this nightmare.  

It was with the greatest of efforts we continued our conversation.  I told him that I felt our sex life had been pretty dire in those days.  He never ever gave me satisfaction.  It was always over in a flash.  Wham bam thank you mam.

He explained that he was always tired.  He used to set off for work very early and arrive back late at night.  He wanted to give his family the best of everything.  He'd known that he hardly saw me to talk to let alone the kids, but it had never occurred to him that it was HIM I wanted, not material things.  

He explained he knew he wasn't much good at expressing his feelings.  That he knew he wasn't very demonstrative or lovey-dovey.  He hadn't thought it mattered to me.

I explained that I hated to go to bed night after night on my own while he slumbered on the sofa and watched late night TV.

But mostly I  just sat in silence and shock.  I had far to much to process. 

So last night he didn't stay up till all hours.  He came to bed around a half hour after me.

I was turned away from him and clinging to the side of the bed as if my life depended upon it.  

He reached over and pulled me into him spoon fashion.  (We never do that.)  I was cold, and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the warmth of his body.  He put his arm around me and stroked bits of me.  Then he put his leg over mine and held me even closer.

We fell asleep entwined.

Then we woke up around 2 am and made love as if our lives depended on it.  And we talked.  

He said he didn't want to fill in any silly questionnaire, and that he would go through the questions face to face and tell me his feelings.  He said he was determined to 'cherish' me more and to show his love in little ways.  He had noticed my efforts and he was quite amazed at my desire for change in that direction.  He said that he would never have actually left, but that for him it was a bad time.  I told him I wished that I had known then what I know now.  He said that he still didn't understand it, but would be willing to carry on slowly, but didn't want pushing.  He said he didn't agree with tying women up to spank them.  I said that actually I wasn't into that myself.  Each to his own.  But that I had known for some time that I wanted to be spanked, and that I couldn't at the moment explain it any better than that.  We cuddled and went back to sleep.

We woke up around 6 am and repeated most of the above.

Today has been much better.  

I have exercised.  I have accomplished several outstanding jobs previously left unfinished.  We have talked some more.  

So, no, I don't have a plan of action.  We have no formal rules drawn up, and probably never will have.  I don't know how any of this is going to turn out.  But we have once again turned round in the right direction.  We just need to negotiate the gaps where the road used to be.

As for me.  I am carrying this huge rock in my chest.  It is called "Guilt and Regret".  

I very nearly swept away our marriage fourteen years ago.  How I didn't, heaven only knows.  I'm just thankful Starman kept with me.  I must have been a horrible wife.  I'm probably still a horrible wife.  All I can say is that I am very keen to change.  I don't want to be horrible any more.  But it's not going to be an instant fix.  I know that now.  

And if Starman ever gets around to spanking me again, I hope he can manage to lift that weight from me and to let me know that everything is forgiven.

I hope you'll still want to know me after all this!

Hugs, Ami


  1. Ami! Stop that right now!!!!

    Yes, you made mistakes in the past and just found out something that simply gutted you but Starman did not leave because he loves you. You were not then nor are you now a horrible wife! You simply had some bad habits and maybe still, as all of us do, have some. Did you really listen to Starman when he said "You are much better than you were once upon a time"?

    Honey, let go of that rock as he has let go of the past. If you don't, you are going to harm yourself and your marriage with all the sadness and guilt. He's forgiven you so forgive yourself.

    If all he wants is erotic spanking for right now, then roll with it. He's happier with your behavior now so keep up the good work. Maybe you will find that's all either one of you need.

    Sending lots of hugs and prayers for peace to you.


    1. Cat you ALWAYS make such sensible comments. I need you whispering in my ear all the time! I admit that I DO tend to dwell on things and think about all the alternatives and connotations to the nth degree. I will be posting again, so you'll have to read the next bit. I didn't know there would be so many parts to this! But we are in a better place now.

      Many hugs, Ami

  2. DD can be hard to get your head around. I read everything I could find about DD and figured it out, then I talked to Dragon about it. I wanted him to be right where I was. It doesn't work that way. These things take time. Change takes time. Submission is about letting him lead his way. That can be the hardest part of all of this.

    Breath. You are going great. Communication is a good thing. Now you know how he feels and he knows why you are crying all the time. Now you can move forward and make positive changes.

    Ps, even a fun spanking can help with the "guilt and regret" thing. It helps clear the air and reconnect.

    1. I did the same Rose, I am probably at least five months ahead of Starman, yet I expect him to understand absolutely everything I am trying to tell him! I'm sure that spanking will continue in one shape or form, but not punishment at the moment. That is one step to far for him to cope with! I'll be posting again soon.

      Lots of hugs, Ami

  3. Everyone practices a different version of DD. What works for one does not for another. As long as it works for the two of you is what counts. You keep doing your best and he keeps doing his best and you'll find your bliss.

    1. Thank you Sunny, I certainly hope so. At least we are now both turned in the same direction again, and for a minute there I was very worried, I can tell you. Hugs, Ami

  4. Oh, ami I'm so sorry. I know that feeling. I almost destroyed ours two years ago. I'm so sorry :( that's all I can say. You know you aren't that person now, focus on that. Remember that when you start to get down.

    1. Thanks Elle. Both you and Fireman are wonderful. I'm showing Fireman's comments to Starman as they are so similar to our situation. We're just a bit older that's all. You'd have thought we'd know better! It just proves that you are "as young as your shoe size"!!!

      Hugs, Ami

  5. Oh Ami, sweetie, I am so sorry for the way you are feeling.

    This conversation, although extremely difficult was good. It laid both your feelings out on the table and things you both want to change. You discovered some things from the past that understandably knocked you for a six, you now really have to leave the past in the past and focus on the future. You are NOT a horrible wife by any means! You both love each other and determined to make the marriage work.

    Starman has noticed positive changes in you, keep showing him your submissive side and take it slow. Work on what he is comfortable to introduce at this stage and things may develop further in the future. Erotic spanking/dominance in the bedroom etc are sometimes the best ways to start a ttwd relationship.

    sending you big,big ((Hugs))


    1. Oh my goodness Roz the talking is sooooo very difficult isn't it? We've just got to stick in there and soldier on. But we're going to take things much more slowly this time. I'm going to spend some time reading everyone's early blogs as I now realise that many of us had the same problems to start with. I will be doing another post later tonight. Hugs, Ami

  6. Sometimes it's not spanking, sometimes you have beat yourself up so much that they don't need to - they need to bring us back from the dark place. I think you need to stop clutching that stone to you so tightly, and hear what he is telling you with his actions - he said he stayed because he loved you and you HAVE changed. His forgiveness is there. And his love is in the uncommon act fo pulling you to him. Sweetie, let him in - let him love you, let him show you what he sees - listen to his love through his hands and his communication, and the way he is reaching out - not even the words are as important as the things he is wrapping them in.

    Keep communicating, give him time to process, keep communicating...did I mention keep communicating? Be soft, be open, listen...really hear all the things he is telling you in all the ways he is communicating them.


    1. I know June. Now I know. Just keep repeating the word "COMMUNICATION" to me! We've communicated even more now! Thank you so much for your support. I wouldn't get through without it. I'll be writing a 'Part 3'! Hugs, Ami

  7. Ami, I was reading this blog to Barney, and I had no idea its contents. I couldn't finish reading out loud because my voice cracked and the tears started for you. No wonder why you have had such a hard time reading my blog this week.

    Spanking doesn't fix everything, your brain does that. Your heart does that. I am the Queen of beating myself up mentally, emotionally, but the truth of the matter is you can't change the past. All you can do is try not to repeat it.

    I can so understand the feelings you have. A great majority of us have felt that we have contributed to an unhappy home over the years- perhaps we have. The thing is there is always two in a marriage, and who knows what started the transition, but it doesn't matter. YOU decided to change- years ago, and more drastically in the past 6 weeks.

    This information that Starman was carrying around for 14 years has been said. It is off of his chest, and he no longer has that guilt in him either. The guilt of the desire to leave you back then. I'm sure this has come out more in the past 6 weeks for him too, now that things are going well.

    Barney had a different observation with your conversation. He was most impressed that you two managed to talk this out. As he put it, " Conversations like this are not learned by watching their parents generation. Or my parent's generation. It is not an easy thing to communicate in a way we've never seen or experienced before"

    So it wasn't pretty. And you are unsure of your footing. Trust me when we say we understand. The important thing is not what was said, perhaps, but that it was said. No one ran out the door. No one shut down- and in the end you found each other. He grabbed you in bed. Took your cold back to mold to him. THAT is what is important here.

    You will chart your own path. You've come so far.

    Much Love

    1. Oh Willie, you are as kind as always! Please thank Barney for me. It has been a monumental piece of communication! But I think we have turned the corner. I truly hope so. My next post will explain a bit more I hope. I seem to be writing a book! Many many hugs, Ami

  8. Bravo!!!!
    I know it was incredibly painful, but that was a great leap forward for you both. You have a better understanding of each other now than you have had in decades. There are many of us out in blog land that have come to realize how much we were damaging our marriages before Dd. It is a very painful realization. Don't carry the guilt. There were two people in the marriage and you both share responsibility.
    Now is the time to focus on moving forward. You share a new understanding off what you want for yourselves and that is what you should focus on.
    There has been no spanking/discipline for months with us. I don't think he was really ready for it. Your husband may never be, but that doesn't mean you aren't practicing Dd. You are doing the most important work now. Coming to truly understand each other and learning how to communicate. We all think our communication was pretty good before Dd then discovered how wrong we were. Keep doing what you are doing. There will still be painful moments, but each time you work through it you will find you both have grown because of it.

    1. Thank you Blue Bird. I think that actually living Dd without spanking is almost more difficult to do. I feel 'antsy' so much of the time, but I am really enjoying listening to what Starman says, without interrupting him all the time. I'm enjoying his decision-making. And I've noticed that he does actually ask my advice or opinion very often. We'll keep walking that road, but very slowly this time. Many hugs, Ami

  9. You also said that you hated to go to bed alone while he watched late night tv. I think that there are these stages in marriage where we almost live parallel lives with our husbands. Then the kids grow up and the dust clears. We decide we need to find a way to connect. It happens to some of us later...others earlier, we get in touch with some of our inner desires.
    I think most of us also have a period which is like a honey moon, but in reality we are in different places. We keep moving forward and our partners freak a bit and put on the breaks. Then we want a heart to heart! They don't. Maybe everyone here said it perfectly, just continue doing what has made you both happy. It is going to be okay. It may look different than you imagine, but it will be unique to your relationship.
    He came to you and tried to be truthful in what he thinks 'now' Remember he didn't have to do that.
    I am glad Cat yelled Ami stop that. You needed that!
    Don't ask why I'm up in the middle of the night, reading and commenting! Lol

    1. Now then Minelle! Why are you up in the middle of the night like this?! Don't you start taking a leaf out of my book!

      The first sentence of your second paragraph rings true. Communication is definitely the key though. I will be posting again soon. Hugs, Ami

  10. Hi Ami
    Listen to Willie - she is right!
    You need to stop blaming yourself. It takes two to tango!
    I wish you would call your "once-a week-spanking" for discipline and not punishment.
    My hubby disciplines me 4 times a week to keep me on track of my goals to be a good submissive wife and not contradict his decisions or show disrespect. I totally love him for helping me.
    Later on, I won't need as much discipline, but for now, it works.
    Another thing - My Jack doesn't control our small daily things - we use DD for better communication and a calmer home - but I asked him to be in charge of my bedtimes and give me a curfew every night. I have to get up early and am a night person.:0)
    By doing this - he now goes to bed at the same time - lots more cuddling now!!! Try it.

    Here's my blog url;

    I can't find out about that Google thing - it doesn't send you to blogs. I think it's supposed to be a new Facebook - so that sucks!! LOL
    Jack's Jill

    1. Thanks Jill. Goodness, four times a week seems a lot. Our problem is being 'overheard'. All I can say is 'Never live in a barn' because there's no privacy. Our home is like a railway station with always some offspring or other coming or going (even though they are grown up!). Starman likes staying up later than me because I go to bed at 10pm due to having to be up at 5.30am. Things will change when I retire next July I hope. We are now moving in the right direction again though, which is something. Thanks for your blog url. Hugs, Ami

  11. Hi Ami, Please stop feeling like this, go and read Elisa's blog and then get your other half to read it and see if maybe between you you can come up with a compromise. You will get spanked and he can have fun with it. If you want to be a nicer person you have to decide that for yourself, you cant be spanked into it, especially by someone who wants to love you not hurt you. You are an adult you don't need someone to set daily rules you know what needs to be done, maybe you both need to give each other a break and learn to love each other again. sorry to be bossy, Hugs to you both, Jan

    1. Hi Jan, and thanks for caring enough to write. I'm sure we will be able to come up with something - we always do. But the communicating this time was extra tough. I suppose it's hard to explain how much I miss Starman's little notes asking me to get a newspaper, or fill the car with diesel or somesuch. I guess we got out of kilter with each other. But now we're back on track again. Hugs, Ami

  12. Hi Ami!

    First...what Cat said! Try to remember that you two have been in this marriage together. It is not all on you. Let go of the old stuff so it doesn't trip you up.

    You two are going to be okay and I love how he pulled you to him and the talking started again. It's so okay if this doesn't turn out as you pictured it in your head. Just walk with him and see where he takes you, b/c he loves you.

    1. Oh Susie, first Cat and now you! I reckon you guys are colluding! I've got to be quick, lunch is nearly ready, but I am posting again soon. Thank you for caring! Hugs, Ami

  13. Hi Ami!
    We are new to this too, so I can't really give much in the way of advice. What I will say is I have a good feeling the MAJORITY of people in a marraige for 20yrs or more have thought about leaving, at least once. Most will never admit it. I hope my husband is one of them ( that will never admit it that is). I promise I will never ask him, cause I do not want the answer. Just once would be a relief! I know how it had to hurt, but try not to dwell on it, you are being way to hard on yourself.

    Your last sentence could not be further from the truth. I can't wait to keep reading your blog and get to know you better!

    1. Hello Betsy and thank you for your kind comments. Please feel free to read my blog from the start. We haven't got very far yet and after this big hiccup I think we'll be moving very slowly. It was advice I was given right at the start, and I chose to ignore it. So now I realise how important it is not to rush! I love that so many of this little community actually have good long marriages. It's so refreshing these days. I will be posting again later. Hugs, Ami

  14. Hi Ami,
    Big big hug from me to you. We are imperfect, all of us. This is nearly exactly what happened to Ian and I after we started dd. We were talking one night, I was doing one of my silly interviews with my "caveman" things with him and in the middle of everything things got serious and he admitted that he had been very very unhappy and knew that when our last child was finished school (in 3 years) things would have to change.
    I was devastated. I knew I had been difficult, but I had not idea I had been such a *itch to live with that my husband had considered divorcing me.
    The point is, I finally had been made aware of the depth of his feelings, it was a step toward a healing that has taken place over a number of months here. Ian was given back his manhood and his dominance over our marriage, and I feel like a woman again.
    STOP beating yourself up. It happened, nothing can change it, and you were the way you were back then because of a number of factors that are not being discussed here - we just didn't turn into miserable women for no reason.
    We are the sum total of our experiences, good and bad. Own what you were, did, etc... and then let it float away like a feather on a breeze - don't give it more value in your current life than it deserves and make a life with your husband that makes you both giddy.
    Big hugs and love from across the pond,

    1. I looked back over some of you early posts and I am amazed at certain similarities. I wonder why we are like we are?! I had no idea at all how awful I was acting, and that even the children were commenting to their father about it. I am writing another post to explain where we are now, and that we are, at least, going in the right direction, and together!

      Many hugs, Ami

  15. Hi Ami.
    So I just stumbled across your tsunami, I see that my Elle has already responded, but I'd like to throw out some thoughts and maybe useful wisdom. Reading your self-reflection sounded very scarily similar to my Elle. She was bitter, snappy, just generally a seemingly unhappy person at her core some time ago.. Like she said, it was wrecked to the point that on any given day for several months, both of us were on the verge of leaving. In fact, she often asked why I just didn't leave - for good. My answer was that I loved her. And I did, though I debated myself if the fighting and unhappiness was worth it, and worth what our children were seeing and hearing. I think Elle was very much in the same place you were/are.
    The thing about men, we are much simpler creatures than you guys. For example, I think we in general are easier to please, and take whatever approach to things requires the least amount of effort to maintain peace and the status quo. Dare I say it, but our modus operandi often reveals just how lazy our nature is if you're paying enough attention.

    Like Starman, I stayed because of the love in my heart, and the example and lesson I knew I will end up sharing with each of our children in the years ahead because we all seem to go thru it eventually - we are after all human and imperfect. Our marriage had gone stale, and we were just going thru the motions when not at war. Becoming more active in church seemed to tame some of our demons. I wanted to please my wife. That's MY job, as a husband. To love, honor, and cherish... And if your husbands are genuine men and not schmucks, I assure you those words mean just as much as they do to me. HOWEVER, speaking for myself, I will only apply so much effort before the push-back from her turns me away. And we can be oblivious to reading signs and signals of what women are showing. Like I said, we are simple and inherently lazy.. So if we aren't picking up on these things, then one times you have to put it in Crayon and just come out with it.

    Because of the communication you've gone through, the monkey is officially off your back - and his. Get out of your own way and quit living like you're still dragging it around. It's a whole new world, a new life, a new opportunity - to LIVE FOR one another. If like me, he'll feed off of your actions. DD is still taboo to me, as it seems to be with him. But that will fade as it becomes routine and habit. He will move on, but only if you do first. Then it's up to him to get out of his way and take up this new challenge that is before you. ACCEPT that the past is in the past. It's dead, so bury it. It's a team effort. So start each anew, and just be better than you were the day before. Starman will lead the way as his comfort level improves, and you can help that with communication. Welcome to the next day of your life! Go make the best of it and lead by example. You may be sharing this experience with your children some day. How will you two tell this chapter of your lives?

    Go in peace! ....Fireman

    1. This is wonderful Fireman! I have printed it out and plan to give it to Starman this evening. I am absolutely amazed at the support everyone has given us - but it's so good to hear from other husbands, because poor Starman feels as if he's been hit by a truck at the moment. You will see that I'm posting again to explain what our current situation is.

      Hugs, Ami