This article originally appeared in the Just for Teens Issue


  1. Practice the rousing slam poem you’ll perform upon release to finally earn the respect of your assailants.
  2. Bulk up so that the next time they try this, you can seduce them into having sex with you instead.
  3. Think about how overcoming this adversity will ultimately empower you to write a mediocre Common App essay.
  4. Signal for help by lighting a road flare, or, if a road flare is not available, screaming.
  5. Put your assailants in metaphorical boxes as retribution, for example, “dumb jocks” or “bad teachers.”
  6. Camp out. This is sure as hell better than algebra!
  7. Evaluate your performance as principal thus far.

—K. Mazer