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1994 Fools: Invective Cycling

Newsgroups: dc.biking
Subject: _Invective Cycling_

Now available, _Invective Cycling_:  A book, a video, and a training
course.  The author has extensive experience with serious bicycle
accidents.  He has commuted half-way to work several times, and has
*decades* of experience in hospitals and courtrooms.

Invective Cycling is based on twelve simple but important principles:

1) It's better to ride on the road than on a bike trail or sidewalk.
   It's even better if it's a really major road.  Best of all is an
   interstate highway.

2) Don't hug the far right lane.  This only encourages drivers to treat
   cyclists as inferior.  Ride as far left as you can.  In fact, ride
   in the oncoming lane.  This way you can see the traffic rather than
   having it sneak up on you.  If there's more than one oncoming lane
   (e.g. on an interstate highway) ride in the highest speed lane, so
   dangerous traffic will get past you more quickly.

3) Weave back and forth, and vary your speed as much as possible.
   As every hunter knows, it's harder to hit a target that moves
   erratically.  For the same reason, always wear dark clothes at night,
   and camoflage clothes in the day, and don't use lights or reflectors.
   If drivers see you, they'll only get annoyed.

4) Brakes serve no purpose except to slow you down.  Since you want to
   get to your destination as quickly as possible to avoid additional
   dangerous time on the roads, get rid of them.

5) Don't wear a helmet.  It will only get smashed.  If you *do* wear
   a helmet, try to land so that your head takes most of the impact,
   leaving the expensive helmet undamaged.  The money saved can be used
   for medical bills, legal defense, and buying replacement bicycles.
   (Also, write to your congressman demanding less shoddy helmets.
   Styrofoam gets crushed too easily.  Tell him to introduce a bill
   to require all bike helmets to be steel or titanium.)

6) Don't signal turns.  Keep your hands on the handlebars at all times.
   If you remove either hand from the handlebars for even an instant,
   you will immediately crash.

7) Always run through red lights and stop at green lights.  When the
   light is red, there's no danger of being hit from in front or behind,
   since traffic in your direction is stopped.

8) Icy roads are especially dangerous.  So go as quickly as you can
   when there's snow and ice, so you'll be out of it sooner.  Especially
   when turning, since corners are especially dangerous so you want to
   spend even less time there.  Use narrow tires so you'll encounter a
   smaller total area of snow and ice.

9) Always dress very warmly.  Especially in the summer.  Dressing warmly
   means you'll sweat more, which makes you weigh less, which makes it
   easier to get up hills.

10) Use your highest gear to climb hills.  That way you won't have to
    turn the pedals as many times.

11) Use your lowest gear to coast down hills, since it's easier to turn.

12) Drink lots of beer while cycling.  It keeps you warm in the winter,
    cool in the summer, and reduces fear of traffic.  It can also make
    you lose weight in a matter of minutes -- from both ends!  (Be sure
    to carry a barf bag.)  It also helps numb the pain of accidents.

Be sure to order *now*, while the author is still around!

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