Monday, 27 January 2014

Are you on God's agenda or merely faking it?

He said, “No; rather I indeed come now as captain of the host of the Lord.” And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and bowed down, and said to him, “What has my lord to say to his servant?”
Joshua 5:13-15 
And so that's twice this month that this passage has been quoted, twice that it's been said that the question really is are YOU on God's agenda?

There are times that I believe that I am; where I am absolutely sure that this is my calling, that this is where and when I'm supposed to be, only - nothing's happening yet and I don't know what's supposed to happen. Then there are those times when I think maybe not. Maybe this dream is from me, of me, and it's not where I'm supposed to go.

So I waver on the brink of going and yet not going, of starting and yet still waiting, on knowing and yet not knowing.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

Often my words belie the fact that I really am starting to do something about it. I talk about what will be, I talk about what I hope for, I am cautious about ever saying what I'm doing or what I'm planning to do, and people give me advice, telling me things I already know, telling me to do things I already do. It's annoying, but they don't know any better because I keep my plans close, like secrets, because most days I don't know whether I will be able to push through, or whether I will just flail along the sidewalk and say, "you know what God? I give up. This is just too much for me."

And sometimes, hearing all the great things that God is doing with someone else, or hearing all the great ideas and great things that I should be doing is really depressing. It's like everyone else has a plan, or everyone else has a plan for me. And I'm standing there saying I know what I should be doing. And yet I am not. Why am I not? I am going to. But I am not. Is my calling real? Is it worth it? What does one more show do for the church? What does one more dance do for the people? What does one more event do for the world?

So I question it. I question the hidden passions in my heart. I question because I don't see how it can be life-changing. I don't see how it's as useful. I don't see what the point really is. I don't know if I'm really called.

And yet I do. I just don't know how to put it into words, which is funnily awkward (or awkwardly funny), coming from me.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

And yet, a lot of times, the issue isn't whether God has called you - it's whether you are ready to move with Him. I don't think there will ever be any time when you are 100% sure of what you're doing, or what you're supposed to do. But that's life.

You only hear as much as you're spiritually ready and able to receive - it's not that God is shutting you out. It's often that you are refusing to believe, refusing to understand, refusing to accept, mentally rejecting what God has already declared over your life.

And until you come to that place where you are able to receive that Word that's going to radically revamp your life, that's far as your revelation is going to go. And that's where you're going to stay until you are ready to move and to act.

It's not wrong.
It's not a sin.
But it's just where you're going to be stuck, going through the motions, reliving the restlessness until you push through and realise that that very same restlessness you feel is God telling you it's time to move on.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

I was telling Chi that it's been releasing these few weeks to just receive in church and not worry about what needs to get done in church. But I guess it's not so much of worrying about what needs to get done in church, but the running commentary in my head on why are things like this that often gets me down. And it's nice to just stand in church and not care because I'm not responsible. And to let my heart lead because nobody knows who I am. And there have been confirmations, through the prayer of stranger-friends, that things are coming to pass and to not lose hope. 

I have this odd way of marking certain passages of life through major conferences that I attend. Probably not a very good way to mark things, but there it is. The first one was Hillsong 2002 - out of that, Star of Persia was born. And after college, Hillsong 2006 was set to mark the next significant step - but then nothing happened. Well, technically, a lot of things happened - but not the dream I'd been harbouring, that I'd written out in faith, saying, it will come to pass. And yet, looking back, maybe something significant did happen. I grew in my career. Which is great, really, but not really what I would have originally have thought of as significant, because, you know - it's just what you do every day. But that brought me to this job. Which brought me to take this trip and enabled me to attend Jesus Culture Encounter in Sacramento, and into River of Life Christian Church, at the right time, for the right words. 

And so I'm led to believe that I'm still on God's agenda, though sometimes it feels like I took a detour, as if maybe something went wrong in between - and yet maybe not. Like Joseph spent all those years in jail for no apparent reason, maybe that time 'wasted' was meant to be for something that I cannot yet see. 

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

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