Thursday, May 8, 2014

How to Hide in Your First Trimester

Another in my posts-about-pregnancy-once-I'm-done series.

Before telling people you are pregnant, you might need to "hide" until you get the all clear. For my first this was at 16 weeks, when I still had a waist (I know!) and had gained very little. For the ones after that it was a joke that I was telling people at 12 weeks, since I'd been in maternity pants since week 8 or 9. Sometimes your body just remembers and springs back into action (or inaction as the case may be with my abdominal wall).

Step 1: Avoid people

Step 2: When asked why you aren't drinking you can
a) claim a newfound abstinence
b) tell people you are super sick and not drinking (but they why did you hug them when you walked in?)
c) tell them you are on antibiotics- which is the same as telling them you are pregnant
d) tell them that you are still hungover from last night- which is often believable but people will question later when they do the math and always wonder if *that* is why little Madison isn't potty trained.

Step 3: Avoid your family. They can tell something is up, avoid them.

Step 4: Find a nice place to puke.
At work, at home, in the car, on the commuter bus, the nice garbage can outside the subway stop, a storm drain, a fancy restaurant in Vegas... I've puked in every last one. My best advice is to make it comfortable if you are at home, and to find an office bathroom that doesn't need a key or code to get in with. I speak from experience.

Step 5: Avoid your friends.

Step 6: Hide behind your kids, gift bags, giant purses etc.

Step 7: Be seen eating in public as a plausible means to explain your new paunch.

Step 8: Finally tell everyone, and act surprised and disappointed that they all guessed weeks ago!

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Unknown said...

Lol, my belly popped very soon with my pregnancy. When I was finally ready to tell people at 12-13 weeks, they'd already started guessing and the surprise was ruined. I guess those flowy dresses and baggy shirts didn't really do much to hide the truth. I puked in the back of a taxi in Vegas. I stealthily emptied a shopping bag and threw up Skittles, meanwhile the driver was oblivious. Oh, and pretty much every day on the way home for lunch, I would puke into a brown paper lunch bag (I had to keep a stash of them beside the seat). I got good at driving and ralphing at the same time. Probably not the safest thing in the world, but the quicker I could get home and eat something, the quicker the puking would stop! Oh, pregnancy... I don't miss you at all.

Ashley@AttemptsAtDomestication said...

This is something I wonder about all the time! My husband and I have a plan to have a giant party before we start trying to get pregnant and announce there that this is my last time drinking so people don't ask all the time. But then they'll ask how trying is going so it's still a lose lose.

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