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Esquire's Interview with Megan Fox Is the Worst Thing Ever Written

The cover story of this month's 'Esquire' is an interview with Megan Fox by Stephen Marche. And though I haven't read every single thing that has ever been written, I can say, with confidence, that it is the worst thing that anybody has ever written...
January 16, 2013, 12:00pm

Photos via Celebrity Closeup

The cover story of this month's Esquire is an interview with Megan Fox by Stephen Marche. And though I haven't read every single thing that has ever been written, I can say, with confidence, that it is the worst thing that anybody has ever written. Ever.

It's fucking LONG, and I know you're busy, so here are the worst things about it.



Megan Fox is good looking. There are various photos of her throughout the article that back this up. But just in case it's not clear, the author breaks down her beauty in a number of riiiiiiiidiculous ways. Including:

"[Her skin is] the color the moon possesses in the thin air of northern winters."



The symmetry of her face is "genuinely shocking"? I'm imagining the author arriving for the interview, seeing her face for the first time and leaping back, letting out an audible gasp, "God, Megan, I am SO sorry! It's just your face… It's so…"

"Symmetrical?" Megan will have asked, forlorn, "I get that a lot… *sigh*."






'It's so similar. It totally is,' she says quietly.

At the end of the year, the beautiful youth had to go up by himself. He had to go up willingly. That was part of the deal.



Megan Fox will not go willingly to have her heart cut out."

I understand that what occured the day of the interview probably wasn't all that interesting. I'd imagine he sat opposite her while she talked about whatever movie she was contractually obliged to talk about. And then he had to find a way of making that seem interesting for five whole pages. But SURELY, any rational person, upon typing the sentence "Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec" would think 'Wait, maybe this is a bit much? Perhaps I should take a break and have another try at this in the morning.'

And let's just forget, for a second, that what he wrote doesn't actually make any sense at all, and concentrate instead on Megan's reaction to it. She fucking AGREED with him! Horrifying.



When I was at school, there was a kid who everyone picked on because they thought he was gay. One day, a bunch of older kids dragged him into the PE showers and forcibly inserted a broom handle into his ass. Pretty sure he'd trade lives with you, Meg.





"She would much rather be an archeologist exploring the ancient ruins of Israel and Egypt. 'I feel like there's stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were,' she says. Ancient aliens who gave rise to ancient civilizations on earth. 'I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.'"


"'Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that Bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie?… I believe in aliens… I am childlike in my spirit and I want to believe in fairy tales… Loch Ness monster—there's something to it…. There's the Bell Witch… What distracts me from my reality is Bigfoot. They are my celebrities.'"


How many people must have seen that cover before it went to print? And not one of them said, "Uh, guys, her left thigh is shaped like a teardrop, she has a wrist a third of the way up her arm and her vagina is, like, a foot wide."



According to the article, "Megan Fox doesn't particularly want to be famous anymore." Obviously, appearing on the cover of Esquire in your underwear to promote a new movie that you're starring in isn't the best way to go about this. But what about some other methods she's tried?

"She's tried to escape from her fate as a sex symbol. She starred in Jennifer's Body, a magnificent, delicious, criminally underrated parable about a bombshell who literally devours men."

"In December, in Judd Apatow's This Is 40, she plays a woman so gorgeous that the other characters cannot quite believe it."

And neither of those things made it so she wasn't famous anymore? Weird!

Also, "criminally underrated"—hahahahahahahahahaha.



No longer need to be beautiful? Sorry to get all Jezebel, but can you imagine how warped your idea of women must be to think those women are what "plain" looks like? Yowzer.


This is an actual piece of text that was written about Megan Fox. As in, the star of Transformers 2 and Jonah Hex:




Stephen Marche ends his monumental fuck up of an article with these lines:



Can you imagine how much the editors were laughing as they shoveled this tripe into InDesign? Didn't American magazine interviews used to be like this?

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT

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