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My 13-Year-Old Son is Out of Control


​My 13-year-old son is out of control. He won't go to school, becomes violent and defiant, and threatens his mom, brothers, and me when he doesn't get what he wants. He is tearing apart our family. I can't get him to go to a therapist. What do I do?


13 year old son

If this is how things are going at thirteen, think of the mess things will be in when he's sixteen! It's not too late to get things back on track, though. 

There has got to be a "cost" attached to unacceptable behaviors or they will continue and often become worse. Thirteen-year-old boys are typically obsessed with electronics—have you tried taking away his privilege of using his electronics when he is disrespectful? If so, do you allow him to win back privileges only in small increments, such as 30 minutes at a time, when he is polite, thoughtful, helpful, and respectful?

We suggest writing down your expectations for his behavior. Make sure to include social skills, academic achievement and behavior, chores, personal hygiene, and whatever else your family holds important.

Next, make a list of the privileges your children have, such as spending time with friends and screen time. When everything is stated as you want it to be, hold a family meeting and present the list to your children. Let them know that starting right now, when they meet your expectations, they will have access to their privileges, and when they do not meet your expectations, they will lose their privileges. 

For example, if your thirteen-year-old son is rude to another family member, he must make a sincere apology and offer to do a chore for them to make up for his unkind or rude comment. Until that consequence is completed, he has NO privileges. If you receive a negative phone call from his school reporting unacceptable behavior, find out what the behavior was and then teach him a better way to handle a situation next time. Discipline is defined as "teaching, education and instruction."

Next, instead of allowing him to use his electronics, have him practice the proper behavior and either help with chores throughout the evening or continue with practice.

If you have already tried this approach, then we are sorry if this is redundant. If you haven't tried this yet, give it a try.