Hello! Welcome to the grossest petting zoo in the world. You’re about to get puked on, diarrhea'd at, and almost definitely paralyzed. Yeah, we don't know how we're still open either.

Anyway. Enjoy!

(no refunds)

Dinoflagellates practice mutually assured destruction. When disturbed, they light up like a neon diner sign, alerting the rest of the food chain to th

Fulmar chicks hurk up a stream of orange oil. It sticks to predators' feathers, which makes them unable to fly, and can even cause them to sink in wat

Possums don't exactly play dead. An involuntary reaction to a threat causes them to fall into a coma and stink like a corpse. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

The hairy frog breaks its own bones. It gives itself nature's most horrific pedicure, breaking its toes to create rudimentary claws. NOW YOU KNOW CRAC

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Some termites send their elders on suicide missions. They detonate a reservoir of toxic crystals they've been saving up their whole life. NOW YOU KNOW

The Spanish ribbed newt pokes its ribs through its skin to give itself dragon spikes. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED.COM

The slow loris hopes you're allergic to it, please. It slowly, adorably, coats its body and teeth in a poison intended to send predators into anaphyla

Beware the potato beetle's fecal shield. The larvae eat a poisonous plant, then cover their bodies in their own noxious sh*t. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED C

Porcupines will charge you, ass-first. They don't just curl up into a ball, or shoot off quills like in cartoons. They'll scurry directly at danger...

The wood frog injects its own tissue with anti-freeze. It fills up with glucose to reduce the size of ice crystals that would otherwise destroy its ti

The flying fish can hurl itself to a point over 1,000 feet away. Imagine what that looks like to a predator who has no understanding of not the ocean

Bombardier beetles make their own beetle juice. They have two glands in their anus that, when mixed, fire off a boiling-hot noxious concoction. NOW YO

The duck-billed platypus has a poison spike on its back leg. And that's probably the least f*ed up thing about the duck-billed platypus. NOW YOU KNOW

Mantis shrimp will attack you with a tiny thunderstorm. Their strike is SO fast, it produces pockets of heat, light, and sound. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED C

Pygmy sperm whales have a reservoir of anal syrup. They release it like a smoke bomb sO they can make their getaway. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

Desert rain frogs make a plaintive squeak that sounds like Austin Powers over-inflating his Reebok Pumps. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

Elephant hawk moth caterpillars will quickly transform... into an adorable looking snake. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

The acacia tree harbors angry ants in its thorns. If an animal starts eating it, the ants will sting the sh*t out of its mouth until it leaves. NOW YO

Be glad if the cuttlfish is camouflaged. If you can see one, it's probably trying to hypnotize and eat you. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

Boxer crabs grab a fistfull of poison. They hold poisonous anemone in their claws, like a boxer sneaking razors into his gloves. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED

Dormice will eject their tails when a predator catches them. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

Some millipedes ooze toxic chemicals, and then dare you to eat them by glowing in the dark. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

The noble hoopoe will, ignobly, diarrhea at you. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

Cereal leaf beetles wear their fart on their sleeve. They cover their poop in jelly, and wear it like a big globular backpack. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED CO

A Malaysian soldier ant will flex its abs until it explodes. Specifically, they intentionally burst a poison-filled gland. NOW YOU KNOW CRACKED COM

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