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Copper - Plastic (Scruffy)

Qty x 1

Who & Why?

PCSO - Police Community Support Officer: a deliberate attempt by the government to deceive the Taxpayer by employing quasi-filth with few, if any, powers - or rather powers that would be of any use in the War on Crime. They are the perfect way of playing with manning figures for policing and numbers of personnel 'on the beat'.

The deception arises because PCSOs are dressed like coppers, but slightly differently. This can vary depending on the local authority paying for their kit. They can be virtually identical to regular Bill, but usually resemble the following:

  • Traffic Wardens
  • BA cabin crew
  • Ice cream salesmen
  • Car park attendants
  • Lollipop ladies
  • Milkmen
  • Binmen
  • Sex pests
  • All of the above

Thus, to the uninitiated of short-sighted, it would appear that Britain's streets are awash with law enforcement officers and that - more importantly - the Neu Arbeit regime have honoured their pledge to recruit more coppers and get tough on crime... and its causes.

What & Where?

PCSOs are easily spotted as they usually hang around in gaggles of three or more and are invariably having a right ol' time, idly chit-chatting with their mates. By far the worst offenders of this are the PCSOs of the British Transport Police. They spend the daylight hours monging about train stations informing inquisitive passengers which train is leaving from which platform. It is clear from this that most actually mistake them for railway staff.

Oddly, these people are well paid (for what they do anyway). Oddly, Special Constables - who have considerably more powers - are not. Work that fucker out!

PCSOs are generally a bunch of scruffy, overweight mongs in ill-fitting uniforms who've somehow managed to worm their way through the paper sift and on to a nice little earner, and simply revel in big-timing about town in all their high-vis glory.

In fairness, there are more than a few who've joined for the right reasons and who are trying to make a difference. Some have tried to join the regular plod and failed for some reason or other, thus their only recourse is to become a 'Blunkett Bobby'. Let's face it, it's not difficult to fail police 'selection'. Being intelligent, healthy, white and hetrosexual is bound to have you binned from Capita's in-tray without as much as an 'Evenin' All!'

A Moment of Truth

ARRSEr Closet Jibber sums it all up beautifully:

PCSOs generally do a good job. However, to try and use them as a replacement to uniformed patrol Bobbies will/has prove(n) dangerous.

If all your Bobbies are engaged Guarding Suicidal Prisoners, managing Scenes of Crime, dealing with their mountain of paperwork or dealing with 'Customer Services Calls' then who is going to patrol the streets and answer 999 calls?

To the bosses a PCSO is a collar number. They find themselves being sent to jobs where they are well over their own head (training/willingness/capability). If it's a violent job they are instructed to (if they are nearby) move to a safe distance and observe. As such witnesses see 'A Copper' standing there doing nothing whilst someone gets a kicking or gets their car stolen - as PCSOs are constantly reminded (that) if they get involved they're not covered.

The ones who are suitable should be sworn in and trained as Police Officers. Remaining in the same area and remaining on the streets in cars or on foot. Those who aren't should be re-trained and employed within stations as Clerks, Custody Staff, Prisoner Processors, Enquiry Officers, Call Handlers, Porters, MT staff etc.

They're not all numpties. Most of ours are decent people who didn't tick the right box on the lefty questionairre to get in to the Police. There should be nobody employed by this government out on the streets expected to assist in tackling crime without the relevant training, equipment and all too important Power Of Arrest. Sadly they are and they take a tonne of abuse from the local shits, are regularly threatned/assaulted and unfortunately are a wasted resource. [Sage words indeed.]

Recent Developments

A recent development is PCSO Traffic. Certain constabularies (e.g. Cambridgeshire) have taken the step of giving PCSOs fucking great 4x4s to tool up and down the A14 in. Remember kids... the driver is NOT a copper. Work it out: Copper - £20-30,000 pa. PCSO - £15-20,000 pa. Quite a saving for the same visual effect. Just don't expect them to drag you from a burning vehicle or save you from drowning in a lake, never mind nicking scrotes - Health and Safety says no.

All in all a bit of a con - and one that'll end in tears. Just wait 'til they start arming the cnuts with Glocks and MP5s.

Also Known As

  • CHIMPS - Completely Hopeless In Most Policing Situations
  • WOFTAMs - Waste Of F*****g Time And Money
  • MUPPETS - Most Useless People Police Ever Trained


To confuse matters more, there's a whole non-police force serving the community: Parks Police.