25 Minutes

Those Damn Ross Kids - Episode 5 (10-26-2010)

We open with a discussion of idioms: Why did we once say that the man "brought home the bacon" while the woman did the shopping? Why did the man "wear the pants," and did the woman wear a denim sundress? Kole explains while Kris looks up the definition of "idiom[1]."

After the theme song ("Chase the Devil" by Eagles of Death Metal), Kole begins a discussion of his youthful affection for karate, courtesy American 1980's youth culture. Kris observes that his daughter hasn't experienced anything similar, and that her tastes change, now fixated on iCarly[3], despite being 5 years old. But everything is an iProduct now, even in the dollar store. Kris observes that the dollar store still stocks adapters and chargers for technology that no longer exists. At least the quality of the adapters tends to be high, even if the people you have to hang out around to get them all suck. Kind of like karate.

Kris isn't sad that he can't grow a beard, mostly because one more thing to be sad about would break him. Kind of like Kole with TV shows, there's just no room in his life for one more. Kole briefly stutters, leading him to bring up the introspection that podcasting leads to, essentially reviewing 20 hours of his weekly actions. He's very familiar with his vocal tics, but he's not sure which are real and which are affected at this point. Not unlike Ira Glass, whose pattern of speech[4] is allegedly written into his scripts. So an NPR superstar has to practice to do what Kole does naturally.

Recounting an incident at Ikea, Kole tells a tale of drinking a pop (or soda or whatever you prefer), visiting the restroom, and having his foot tapped by the occupant of the stall next to his. His inner monologue went quiet, and he simply lifted his feet, so that should his stall neighbor attempt to tap him again, it would appear that he had vanished into thin air. Ah, but here's the twist. The pair of flipflops worn by this mysterious stranger sound awfully familiar to Kris. The foot tapper was Kris himself! What a small world.

Kris is sick of cops trapping people for speeding. It makes him wig out! And flip out! And he's gotta stop saying that. Kole observes that there are few other jobs that rely on subterfuge, a word for which he helpfully provides some synonyms:

  • Stealth
  • Guile
  • Deception
  • Obfuscation

Kole knows these words because he reads more than just the shampoo bottle, but acknowledges that we've all been there. Bathroom reading is a vital part of daily functions! But what Kole is stumped by is why bathroom reading seems disgusting to some people. After all, everything in the bathroom, nay, in the world is covered with shit and piss! Kole seems largely over this. Kris seems excited by it.

Kole doesn't like police speed traps either, but he's even more annoyed by those 7:00 news teasers that say "one of the products in this room will kill you. Find out which one at 11:00." He wishes that he could have seen newscasters smoking on air, but forgets the name of newscaster Brian Williams, calling him Brian Wilson. This brings the Ross Kids to wish that he and the Beach Boys front man are in fact the same person. Anyway, the news is way too disturbing for kids. It makes them not want to leave the house! Leaving the news on in the background is a really dangerous thing, actually. It puts negativity into everyone's brains without them even realizing it, leading to cancer and death! But don't worry, Kris assures us that this isn't how it actually works.

Out of context, the next segment begins mid thought as the Ross Kids discuss an unnecessarily large collection of something. In case the internet goes out. That something is porn. After all, every 25 minutes (title at 17:05), everyone thinks about sex. Well, maybe not Kris, but an overwhelming majority of everyone else.

It's meta time, as the Ross Kids talk about the amounts of banter and sass in the episode. Kole identifies himself as deferential in person. Kris identifies himself as not knowing what deferential means. Kole identifies Kris as an ape.

So Kris was in the car with his buddy Levi and his daughter Emma. Levi talks to Emma using a talking-to-kids voice, but forgets to turn it off when talking to Kris. Kole tries to reenact this. Kris doesn't get it. Emma wants to be a blank piece of paper for Halloween. Levi asks how she would do that. She looks at him like he's an idiot and says she'll wrap herself in blank pieces of paper.

The Ross Kids talk about Hundred Day at school. Kole took a hundred clothes pins. Kris advises that he couldn't do that today because he would get arrested for having 100 tiny knives. He then realizes that clothes pins and safety pins are not the same thing. Kole begins to make a point about this, but then confuses Andy Rooney, Mickey Rooney and Mickey Rourke. He is also unable to pronounce Kim Basinger's surname. After confusing Cindi Lohan and Lindsey Lohan, Kole scolds Kris for not "yes and-ing" him. Meanwhile, Kris reads the casting history of Beverley Hills Cop.

Post-roll, Kris suggests signing off using news teasers, like "Kole's dying. Find out of what after the break."

Episode Page Description

Wherein those damn Ross kids discuss karate, bathroom reading, and Mickey Rooney.


Suggested Talking Points

None are listed for this episode. The episode page states that they are "Soon to come."
