COVID-Plagued Denver Broncos Announce Next QB: You

After Denver’s first, second, third, and fourth quarterbacks all went down with the Wuhan Coof, and the Raiders already drafted Air Bud, the team has been forced to make what may be the worst choice it’s ever made: you.

APA Rules Shower-Fart As a Form of Self-Harm

“Honestly, if you just look at these people who are doing this to themselves, they’re just not mentally well. Why would someone ever fart in the shower? That’s objectively the worst place to fart!” quoted esteemed flatulence researcher and Editor-in-Chief at Farts Weekly, Dr. Hannah Frankenwitz, D.D.S.

First Baby Born with Gills to Survive Southern Humidity

In what has been described as a great, horrific, leap forward for human evolution, local boy Kyle Upshaw has been born with two fully functioning gills, leaving scientists scratching their heads, doctors reaching for the smelling salts, his parents completely indifferent, and sending the priest to the library for an ancient holy water recipe.