Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today – all iPhone, all the time!

Q: I am, of course, going to get an iPhone the moment they’re available. Mostly because of the interface and the feature set. But also… um… I’ve heard… well, it’s widely rumored that… uh, the iPhone will have a noticeably positive effect on… uh… the size of my…

A: Johnson?

Q: My package.

A: Your junk?

Q: My stuff.

A: Your unit?

Q: My family jewels.

A: Your hey, now, how do ya do?

Q: My meat and potatoes.

A: Your frank and beans?

Q: My bangers and mash.

A: Your cucumber salad?

Q: My freeway and onramps.

A: Your Wallace and Gromit?

Q: My catalytic… My “Wallace and Gromit”?

A: Yeah. Your tube sock.

Q: Ah! My trouser luggage!

A: Your soap on a rope!

Q: My hard drive!

A: Your roll of mints!

Q: My… uh… braunschweiger…?

A: Your… um… bakery-fresh cruller?

Q: Uh… sure. So, anyway, is that true?

A: Uh… what was the question?

Q: I was hoping you would remember.

Q: I’m kind of interested in the iPhone, but I have some concerns.

A: Lay ’em on me.

Q: OK, well, it looks awfully slippery. Is it going to slip out of my hand all the time? I can’t afford to buy one every month, you know.

A: Never fear. Already there are several third-party solutions in the works that will make it less slippery. Griffin Technologies, for instance, is going to make a 40-grit sandpaper that you can use to put some really nice grooves into your iPhone.

Q: Oh. OK. That sounds good.

A: Should give you a nice grip.

Q: And possibly void my warranty.

A: Uh… yeah. And that.

Q: But I’m also concerned about heat. It seems like the iPhone’s probably going to run a little hot and I’m worried about having it pressed up against my face for a long time.

A: Oh, don’t worry about that. Kensington is going to make a Bluetooth crotch adapter.

Q: A what?

A: You put your iPhone in your pants and then you just use a Bluetooth headset.

Q: You mean I put my iPhone in my pants pocket, right?

A: No. In your pants.

Q: Why would I do that?

A: Uh, to use the Bluetooth headset? Helloooo?

Q: Um…

A: Also, it keeps your junk warm.

Q: Oh, let’s not go there again.

A: Um… OK.

Q: I’ve got a concern I haven’t seen addressed in any of the literature I’ve read about the iPhone so far.

A: Shoot.

Q: If I’m holding the unit up to my head and my hand is covering most of it, how are people going to know I’m using an iPhone?

A: Well, that is going to be a problem. How do you effectively project your iPhone user status to the masses?

Q: Right.

A: I don’t have an Apple-endorsed answer or a third-party solution for you here, but I can tell you what I intend to do.

Q: What’s that?

A: Work it into the conversation.

Q: Huh?

A: Well, let’s say I’m calling my buddy to see what time we’re meeting at a bar. I ring him up and I say as loudly as I can “Hey, man, I just wanted to call you on MY IPHONE to see what time we’re meeting for beers.”

Q: Oh, yeah! So, like, “Hey, Gloria, I just got MY NEW APPLE IPHONE and I wanted to call you on MY NEW APPLE IPHONE so you’d be the first to know that I HAVE SYPHILIS!

A: …

Q: Kind of like that, right?

A: Uhh… I don’t think you need to emphasize that last part.

Q: Oh, but the people at the clinic were very specific about that. “Make sure she knows it’s syphilis,” they said.

A: Oh. OK. But does everyone else need to know?

Q: Um… I didn’t ask them that.

39 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. I coulda been number one, but I have a life. I have other things to do than put the first comments on. I have to read the friggin POST first. Then I have to get a cup of coffee. Then I something something something…..I forget.

    Sheesh. What a loser, I’ll still end up in the first half a dozen. This chair has a permanent imprint of my ass. I’m ashamed.

    Lifestyles of the Poor and Obscure for the last of my pocket change, Alex.

  2. Hell, I wrote on my blog, played BookWorm, and read three articles in Roughly Drafted. That’s since dinner. And my post isn’t even funny. Yours is at least funny. Really. Mine’s just a rant. Now I’m going to go see if there’s anything happening in the Tera-Post.

    The excitement reaches a crescendo when I decide whether to have one more cup of coffee before bed.

  3. Hey Rip. Coffee before bed? Isn’t that putting the cart before the horse?

    Or pearls before swine?

    Or age before beauty?

    Or stop me before I kill again?

  4. Could we find some third-part tattoo technologie to lighten the apple that’s been tatooed on the hand ?

    And, further, if there is some proximity captor that cuts the light when the phone’s close to my cheek, and if I use a BlueTooth device, question is :

    How can I lighten my…Schnitzel ?

  5. I’m dismayed to see that “schwanstucker” was omitted from the first dialog. Of course, it’s usually preceded with “enormous”, but you’d have to ask Mel Brooks about that.

  6. Also omitted were “Muscle of Love,” “Trouser Trout,” and the ever popular, “Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm.”

    I assumed this was done deliberately for space considerations.

    “You can’t take it with you.” I don’t care if you are only going to your mother’s.

  7. does the clothing brand “Members Only” only make pants? If so are they solely for men? Can I even ask a pants related question without written permision from Huh?

  8. Regarding the non-Huh? “Members Only” pants, it is even more important to ask, which pocket does the name go on? That may be critical depending on which way the buying public leans.

    I will take RR’s mother for $5 dollars and a can of Cheez Whiz Alex.

  9. It looks like the CAR site is onto a marketing career with the concept of a Bluetooth crotch adapter.

    Just think of all the pro athletes that will promote their “careers” with an endorsement.

    Groupies with Bluetooth adapter collections.

    Tennis (sorry Athletic) shoes- lame.

  10. Members Only pants ™. I’m thinking put the name right on the fly. Maybe put a stretch of purple cord across it.

    Get it? “Members” only???? Waaaahahahaha.

    Yes. It has been a long weekend.

    Okay, mom. OKAY. Good night Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

  11. My own Pants™ don’t like to advertise. Everyone else is more than welcome to open up spaces for sponsors.

    My Pants™ would like to go on the record as never useing false or misleading advertising, concering the size of my…

    um… right.

    Of course, that would also explain my currently single status.

    I’m going to go pet my iPrairieDog. Now that they’ve been banned from the tunnels, he gets bored.

  12. I always thought “squash” was the plural of “quash,” but boy was I wrong.

    It’s the past tense of “squish.”

  13. I’m wondering. Is syphilis related to Vista? Zune? Ubuntu?

    I mean, it wasn’t that long ago….you might remember. I’m wondering if it’s all my fault. I didn’t really mean anything by it. Just one of those summer flings.


    Stop it. That’s nasty. There are some things that peanut butter just isn’t supposed to do.

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