

Living with a nightmare: what it’s like to kill someone

Living with a nightmare: what it’s like to kill someone
The pedestrian hit Ryan's car windscreen and suffered fatal injuries.
Six years ago, Queensland mine worker Ryan struck and killed a pedestrian while travelling on the Bruce Highway on his way home from work. What followed was a living nightmare during which he was charged over the tragic death and endured a lengthy legal battle. For the first time, Ryan shares his story.
The accident
In 2012 Ryan was driving home from work. It was late, it was dark and it had been raining. He was on the highway between two trucks and was about to change lanes, quickly looking over his shoulder to make sure he could merge.
In his peripheral vision, he noticed a flash of colour, heard a thud as his windscreen smashed.
At first he thought he had hit a kangaroo, but when he pulled over and saw the crumpled mess on the side of the road, he realised it was much, much worse.
Ryan had hit someone.
What he didn't know was that the truck in front of him had to swerve to miss the pedestrian. The truck behind saw everything and radioed to the rig ahead.
"You know that guy you swerved to miss? The car behind you cleaned him up."
Ryan called Triple Zero (000) and then froze. He couldn't move. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"Triple Zero asked me to go and check if the pedestrian was breathing. I couldn't move, I was hysterical. I handed the phone to a bystander who spoke to the operator.
“I was told not to go down there as the person was in a pretty bad way. I was shaking, I was sweating, I couldn't stand and I couldn't sit. My brain and body just couldn't cope with what had just happened.
“I couldn't even ask if he was OK. No words were coming out."
The ambulance arrived and started working on the pedestrian while Ryan was breathalysed by police. He was then taken back to the station for questioning.
Terrible news
"They asked me a few questions about what happened, where I was going and where I had been,” he says.
That’s when Ryan was informed the pedestrian had died.
“When they told me, I was flooded with emotions,” he says. “I was angry and frustrated. I wanted to be able to turn back time. I felt shattered.
“It really felt like my life was falling apart around me.
“I remember sitting there in so much shock and pain. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. It was like the air in the room had been sucked out and I was in a void.
“I tried to scream but nothing was coming out."
Ryan was charged over the tragic death, but the case against him was eventually dismissed.
Ryan was charged over the tragic death, but the case against him was eventually dismissed. (Supplied)
During the autopsy, they discovered the pedestrian's blood alcohol level had been between point 0.4 and 0.5 - he had been drinking steadily for about six hours before being hit.
"I've lost people in my life and I know what it’s like to lose a family member,” Ryan says.
“I immediately started thinking of his family. Did he have a wife and kids? Who was going to tell his mum and his dad that I’d killed their son?
“I started feeling loss and grief for his family it was gut-wrenching. Not only did I feel like my life had been ruined, but I ruined the lives of an entire family and ended the life of someone I didn't know.”
As time went by, Ryan tried to continue with life as normal, in hindsight as a coping mechanism.
"I went to work on Monday and had a staff meeting,” he recalls. “It was hard standing in front of my peers and telling them I had killed someone. I broke down and lost my shit. I wasn't coping."
Being charged
About a month later Ryan got a call from his solicitor asking him to present himself to the police as they wanted to charge him with Dangerous Driving Causing Death.
"So many things raced through my mind,” he says. “Why now? Why a month later? Was I going to be locked up then and there? All the feelings from the night came flooding back and I broke down again."
During the court case Ryan saw photos of the victim.
"This deceased person I was looking at, all these bloody photos, were my fault. All the feelings of that night came flooding back again and again. I felt ill. I couldn't get over the fact that I killed someone who was probably a nice guy."
After three years of legal delays, he finally faced court.
"Being in court that day was terrifying. All this legal jargon was flying over my head. I just wanted to turn, run and hide,” he says.
“This day was going to change my life forever.
“I was possibly looking at jail time. I still couldn't reconcile in my mind that even though I felt I hadn't done anything wrong someone died and someone needed to be punished.”
The maximum sentence for the charge he was facing is 14 years. The two truck drivers gave their accounts, as did several people who saw the pedestrian drinking for hours before the accident, and witnesses who saw him leave the pub in an intoxicated manor, wearing dark clothing on a wet dark night.
To this day, nobody knows why he was standing in the middle of the highway.
The verdict
After all the witnesses were called and legal arguments had taken place the judge called a recess.
"It was the most intense 30 minutes I've ever faced,” Ryan says. “My pulse rate was through the roof.
“When the judge came back he spoke for a few minutes and then got to the point. He said, ‘There is no evidence before me of any serious breach of the defendant’s conduct in any way. I don't believe there is a case to answer here. Adjourned.’”
It was all over with a bang of the gavel.
After three years and nearly $60,000 in legal fees later, it was determined that Ryan was innocent.
"A lot of the guilt lifted of my shoulder,” he says. “It was finally determined that I did nothing wrong. It no longer felt like I murdered someone.
“It now felt like he made a mistake and I was driving home innocently,” he says. “It was just a tragic accident, there was no way I could have avoided it.”
After a few deep breaths Ryan realised that his life had now changed, again.
"I felt that the last three years my life had been on hold; during those three years I didn't want to make any long-term plans,” he says.
“I didn't do anything that was permanent or solid, just in case I went to jail, but I didn't realise that I had been doing that until the gavel came down.
“After that I started making plans and goals for the future"
Ryan needed to see a psychiatrist to help with the stress, guilt and anguish of what he’d been through. One of their first recommendations was for him to drive through that intersection where the accident had taken place repeatedly, so that driving there became normal again. Otherwise the fear of driving could paralyse him for the rest of his life.
It’s been over six years since the accident and while the worst of the mental pain is starting to fade, Ryan still occasionally feels guilt over what happened.
“Every St. Patrick's Day I will have a quiet Guinness for the guy I hit,” he says.
A regret that Ryan has is he never contacted the family of the deceased.
"I actually asked my lawyer several times about writing a letter or contacting the family direct and he advised against it before the case,” he says.
After the Not Guilty verdict he was told the family may see it as rubbing their faces in it and that it may not achieve anything.
Still, it’s something that haunts Ryan to this day.

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