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Scattered thoughts

  1. They’re remaking Total Recall? That terrifies me: just how long ago WAS Total Recall, & is it ironic I can’t actually remember?
  2. There’s a kind of sweet, bitter relief in reaching an age where your first response to unjust criticism is a kind of ‘who gives a fuck’, even if the person outranks you by about 3 degrees.
  3. Sweet & bitter is different to bittersweet. For a start, it’s in a different order. But most importantly, the aftertaste is wildly at odds. Sweet, bitter leaves you with saliva dripping off your back teeth like you’re ready to chew into something you don’t like, but will gnaw the hell out of it from pure spite.
  4. How is it I’m in a position where the phrase ‘righteous anger’ seems so definitional – but not of me, of someone else?
  5. I’ve started to make plans to take several months off from day jobs. Not just dreams or wish fulfillments, but actual, concrete plans at a point where my day job ‘career’ is probably at a high, & I could probably go on to much better money (like, what I would call ‘stupid money’, although my standards are lower than some of my friends for what ‘rich’ looks like) – which is one of those ironies life likes to chuck about, in a kind of fortune-cookie way. You know, like “at the height of your success you will throw it all away and you won’t even fcking miss it”. Although I don’t know if they swear in fortune cookies. But you get the idea.
  6. I just bought art. It’s not the first time I’ve bought art, but it might just be the most awesome time I’ve bought art. This may another part of that irony I was talking about, that I’ve reached a financial position where I can buy art & I’m contemplating a vow of poverty (temporarily).
  7. I often think of my grandmother (deceased).
  8. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that a situation which has recently improved has still not made me feel any better than when the situation was shittier. I believe this may be what is called ‘total fcking burnout’.
  9. The bf spied an open Amazon page & said, “You’ve just bought art, now you’re looking at buying books?” I said, “I’m always looking at buying books.” But I shut the page, because my credit card tells me, ‘no books today’, & credit cards outrank people.
  10. It’s all very well to pretend you’re smarter than everyone else by doling out instructions that are so opaque no one understands them. But inevitably that shit will stop flying.
  11. If I’d spent the money I just spent on art on repairing my gutters instead, I would probably have a kitchen that doesn’t flood in every Sydney storm. I’ve only just thought of that.
  12. I still don’t feel bad about buying the art.
  13. I’ve been trying to ‘follow my weird’, but I haven’t worked out what my weird is. Am I too weird to even recognise my own weirdness?
  14. I used to read celebrity magazines. But nowdays, I don’t even recognise the celebrities’ names. It’s like flushing a whole bunch of mental junk out of my system.
  15. Fifteen is probably enough.