Thoughts on losing a child to suicide: Baker

Tricia Baker
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Educational and Creative composition with the message Stop Suicide on the blackboard

Seven days of refection for National Suicide Prevention Awareness Week, Sept. 9-15

Day ONE: Never take your children for granted. I know we get tired and we all make mistakes. I look back on my parenting and wish I was able to find more inner strength. I wish I knew, from an early age, that my son Kenny had an illness. 

So, please parents, the next time you are at the end of your rope, and your children are being silly or disruptive, instead of saying harsh words, take a deep breath, and try to smile. There is no guarantee that our children will outlive us. 

Tricia Baker

Day TWO: No one chooses to be mentally ill. Why would anyone choose to suffer in silence? Why would anyone choose to not have the ability to get out of bed in the morning? To be so different from everyone else? To have an illness that embarrasses them and leads them to self-medication with drugs or alcohol? To think that the world would be better off without them? 

Mental illness is a biological brain-based illness brought on by some trigger. No one chooses it. We cannot snap out of it. Telling someone to snap out of mental illness is like telling someone to snap out of having cancer or heart disease. 

Our hope is to increase understanding, empathy and kindness towards those who are struggling because their brains work differently. 

Day THREE: One in four are affected by some mental health disorder. Less than 40 percent seek treatment. Lack of treatment or delayed treatment can result in poor performance in school or work, problems with relationships, physical ailments, homelessness, incarceration and most horrific, suicide. If someone had a broken bone, a heart condition or cancer, they would go to a doctor. Why is it not true for individuals with mental health disorders? Stigma. Embarrassment and fear of judgment. No one wants to be made fun of or put themselves at risk of being bullied. 

Day FOUR: So often, when we lose someone to suicide, we struggle with the question: “Why?” So often, those who end their lives appear to have so much to live for, so why do they feel that they do not? What we, the outsiders, need to understand is that people who end their lives made this decision with unhealthy brains. 

We need to educate, so we all know the signs to look for. All talk of suicide must be taken seriously, even if the person appears to have a promising future.

Day FIVE: “There were no signs.” When Kenny made his first suicide attempt, he was at the peak of high school success. He was a math honor student, a freshman swim star, a role model to teammates and friends. He had a girlfriend who loved him. 

Knowing what I know now, I realize there were signs of an illness.

Day SIX: It is OK to directly ask, “Are you thinking about suicide?” People who are struggling cannot see a clear path to asking for help or they do not feel worthy of receiving help.

When Kenny was a freshman, I noted a significant change in his mood that lasted for several weeks. My friend, a child psychologist, told me to bring him to the hospital. When I reached out to Kenny to go, he just got up and went with me. He knew he needed help, but did not know how to ask. Our children also do not want to let parents down. So, they hide their feelings. 

Talking about suicide will not put the thoughts in a young person’s head. Talking to someone with a healthy brain will not cause them to contemplate suicide. Talking to someone who is thinking about it gives them permission to ask for help. 

Ask the question. Be compassionate. Be ready to respond with bringing a child for an evaluation. 

Day SEVEN: Be kind. In this day of social media, people, including adults, are forgetting how to be kind. People will type insults that they would never say to a person’s face. Instruct your child to never tell a peer to “go kill yourself”. This is happening far too often, every day, in all of our schools, including elementary schools. 

Life is precious. We need to teach our children to be kind, understanding, compassionate and empathetic of all. 

Tricia Baker is co-founder of Attitudes In Reverse, a Princeton-based nonprofit whose mission is to save lives through mental-health and suicide-prevention education. 


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