I Just Realized Something: A Festive Holiday Conspiracy Theory

Halloween is upon us and I plan to celebrate it as I do every holiday, by drinking copious amounts of liquor and dressing up like a jackass. Before that I will Probably be tossing little fun sized packages of refined carbohydrate goodness at the ritalin popping soccer-mom spawn that come begging trick or treating. Why the hell do they have to come at like 4pm, and wake me up. Trick or treating is supposed to be under the cover of nightfall ladies, what with the vandalism that goes with it. You over-protective freaks, keep this up and your will be living in your house well after you die (oh and your body, its staying there) screwing a realdoll.

But I digress. Just now I realized something about candy and the holiday and commercializing it. I’m sure everyone has heard one of those FUD style TV news stories about ‘safely trick or treating’ or gotten a lecture about ‘having your parents check your candy before eating it’. These things make us good and paranoid about Satanist or evil hippies or child hating psychos trying to poison or razor-blade up our children. If you do a little research this type of scenario happens about neverish. If it happens at all, one of the parents did (twenty bucks says Jesus told them to do it).

So why all the misplaced paranoia about the candy you ask? Besides making for a good news story, its making people money. Think about it: can you pull a Martha Stewart and hand out fresh homemade treats you made from scratch to the little hellions? Nope, your only option is to hand out individually wrapped, hermetically sealed, corporation produced candy.

They couldn’t pull this shit with any other holiday. They couldn’t tell you at eleven how using a non-treeco brand Christmas tree could kill you and your whole family while you sleep or using the wrong green dye in your beer could make your future children retarded.

Wow this should go on the main page, what with nothing else better to put up there and all. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go get ready to be the 20-yesr-old asshole who trick or treats without a costume…cuz it’s free candy.