Thursday, December 10, 2009

Road woes: NHL players vs. moving vehicles

This post has been declared a 'Dany Heatley joke'-free zone
Tragically, the YMCA sing-along
never got past "Y".
Last night's game against the Islanders gave Leafs fans their first chance to get a look at Brendan Witt since he was run over by an SUV on Tuesday.

But while the incident was unique in that it was the first time a news story included "Brendan Witt" and "hit" but not "elbow" and "pending suspension", it wasn't all that unusual. NHL players haven't been having much luck when they step out onto the street these days.

Here's a look back at some of the recent incidents and near-misses involving NHL players and moving vehicles:

The victim: Kyle Wellwood
The incident: Narrowly avoided high-speed collision with twin brother during moped ride.

The victim: Shane Doan
The incident: After a tough loss, stepped out into street and was hit by one of the several dozen moving vans that circle the Jobing.com Arena at all times.

The victim: Andrew Raycroft
The incident: Was so upset after a tough loss that he jumped in front of the team bus -- but it went through his legs! Literally. The force of the impact evaporated his legs. Oh god, it was horrific!

The victim: Jonathan Cheechoo
The incident: Stopped too suddenly at a red light; was rear-ended by the hearse that follows him around carrying his goal-scoring ability.

The victim: Zdeno Chara
The incident: Carelessly stepped in front of a speeding commuter train, causing massive damage to the train and slightly wrinkling his dress shirt.

The victim: John Ferguson Jr.
The incident: Chased a ball into the street and was nearly run over by the short bus that takes him work every morning.

The victim: The Philadelphia Flyers
The incident: Various players suffered bruises after bumpy ride to airport caused by team bus attempting to drive with John Stevens still stuck underneath it.

The victim: Kyle Okposo
The incident: Filed police report after being run over by speeding oil tanker. The charges were withdrawn after a review of the video determined it was actually just Dion Phaneuf.

The victim: Steve Tambellini
The incident: After reviewing the team's salary cap situation during his first day on the job, briefly considered jumping in front of the Brinks truck that will be delivering Shawn Horcoff's paycheck for the next six years.

The victim: Jaroslav Halak
The incident: After a pre-season victory, was nearly struck while leaving the Bell Centre after inexcusably forgetting to always look both ways for cars in case the rioters have thrown a flaming one at you.

The victim: Bill Berg
The incident: Run over by truck driven by Pat Burns, who nonetheless continued to not know who he was.

The victim: Jason Spezza
The incident: Carelessly stepped in front of a vehicle, causing it to swerve uncontrollably, plunge off of a cliff, and explode into a ball of flaming wreckage on the rocks below. Luckily, it was the Senators bandwagon so nobody was on board.


  1. I was hoping this story would make it in there somehow-
    It's got everything- Flyers fans, knife fights, family violence and a bus.

  2. What's Dany Heatley doing still driving the Senators bandwagon?

  3. @ twoeightnine:

    This was supposed to be a Dany Heatley-free zone.

  4. I loved it when Burns said that about Bill Berg. Why am I not surprised that you remember it too?

  5. this is definitely one of the best I've read in a while. fantastic work as usual!

  6. The Wellwood joke was great, I just hope everyone knows the picture in question.

  7. Didn't find this one quite up to par with some of your others, but there were a few gems.

    With the Cheechoo one, I was hoping you'd go with: "Got hit at a red light. Now has a natural aversion to them." or something along those lines.

  8. Awesome work man. The glovetap to 1993 replaced my laugh with a sigh.

  9. The Halak one was the best, it really did make me LOL.

  10. Downie, you probably should've just rereleased the Bruins vs. Leafs clip after last night's game.

  11. You missed the part where Spezza coughed up the puck prior to the flaming bus crash.

  12. "The victim: Kyle Wellwood
    The incident: Narrowly avoided high-speed collision with twin brother during moped ride."

    I have no idea what this is referring to.

  13. Dear Anonymous:




  14. Well played. Was Joe Thornton driving that hearse?

  15. Thankfully, John Stevens was wearing his bus-proof vest.

  16. Nice sideways reference to a classic joke about fat "people" and riding mopeds...but I can't decide whether your revival of 'leaf goalie attempts suicide but bus goes through his legs' is cheezy and lame or campy and cool...