Wednesday, January 15, 2014

GIRLS: Truth, Dare or Consequences

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

The dirty old man lewd recaps return!

Season 3 of Girls premiered on Sunday. I finally watched both episodes. If you haven't read these lascivious recaps before, check out a few from the second half of Season 2.

If you're easily offended, you should leave right now. If you're a sick fucker like I think you are, you'll stay put and read this thrice.


My dearest Shoshanna,

I missed my favorite vixen. Badly. Like spank-it-six-times-a-day-miss-you.

Hop up on Santa's lap. He knows you've been naughty and wants to hear all the sordid details of your trollop phase. Don't pretend to be offended with these pointed, chauvinist remarks. You, me, Santa, and Chanukah Harry all know you're secretly turned on by this dirty talk. We're all thrilled you blossomed into a neurotic nympho. That's my wheelhouse. Don't be embarrassed with your metamorphosis into an Anais Nin clone. Happens to every college student who pops their cherry and then they lose all self-control and feel like they have to make up for missed time.

Raw genitals is a good thing. Means your living. L-I-V-I-N. Welcome to the Big City.

Let's all take this moment to applaud the new-and-improved sexually adventurous Shosh. You've turned into a Lioness. It's your bedroom spirit animal. RAWR! I know the plethora of booty calls are making you tired and preventing you from binge watching Dance Mom and The Real Housewives. Super tired? Here's my solution: handjobs for Adderall. Guys will be lining up in front of your dorm room for a quick tug. If you want to multitask, you can wank off two guys at once. Double the tug, double the fun. You'll get a jar of Addy in no time and be able to stay up for a week straight studying, watching pointless reality TV, and schtupping every other guy you meet on Tinder.

So you think handjobs are gross? Truth or Dare time... I dare you to rob one of your boytoys. Next time you sneak off at the crack of dawn, raid the medicine cabinet and steal whatever pharmies before you embark on the Walk of Shame. Free Adderall. Just hook me up with any painkillers you find and I'll stop digging through your trash.

Shitty music alert. One More Night by Maroon 5? Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you? I want to put a fork in my eye. Maroonmania? Did your overly protective parents give you double vaccinations as a kid? Blowing bath salts up your cooter with bendy straws? Sweet Jesus, girl! Get your shit together. Come over to my place and I'll play 70s soul all night like Al Green that'll turn your crotch into Niagara Falls.

I really should stop writing you for not recognizing the Rolling Stones? Where you born behind the Berlin Wall or something? You need to be punished. Severely. I'm going to tear off your Juicy sweats, tie you to a rustic rocking chair, and drip candles on your nipples while Let It Bleed album plays on a loop until you learn all the lyrics yo You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Yours in lust,

P.S. My third worse nightmare is getting stuck in an elevator with you, Hannah, and Marnie... but I don't have any booze or drugs and you guys are bouncing off the walls singing Maroon 5 songs the entire time while Hannah simultaneously wolfs down a box of Twinkies and Marnie is balled up in the corner sobbing.


Yo Ray,

I loved how you were rubbing one out behind the counter when the feisty shiksa from Roswell was going off on Hannah and Adam.

Keep on being a dweeb,
P.S. Do you have any of Shosh's panties you want to trade for a tray of pot brownies?


Darling Jessa,

I used to fall madly in love with dainty girls like you... spoiled rotten with severe daddy issues. It's always a fun romp for three weeks until you go all bi-polar on me, point out invisible flaws, then book a six-month trip to Bhutan to teach English and live in a tree house.

How was Sheltering Winds? Did they hook you up with any good detox meds? You claimed you got hooked on heroin, but I'm guessing it was one of those pussy-ass benders like Philip Seymour Hoffman who had one horrendous weekend on the H-train, puked on himself, and immediately checked himself into Promises Malibu.

Rehab? Really? That bad, huh? Only rich people get to go to rehab. Poor addicts go to jail or to end up sleeping on subway grates. Pathetic that your own friends got sick of you and the only way you could garner any attention was to make up some fake disease -- like a heroin addiction -- so you can have all eyes on you while sitting in a circle in a small, steamy hot room where you lash out at vulnerable people. If that makes you feel better, well shit, you're doing it all wrong and don't have to go to rehab to do it! You can get paid to shit on people. Yeah, an actual job. Now that the stock market is doing well, being a dominatrix is in high demand.

BTW... I can't believe you were tooling on Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth. In your group meeting, you called her METH FACE! You're lucky she didn't break her chair and shove a couple of legs up your ass.

Listen to the wisdom of the creepy, pill-popping old Brit. He warned you that you're going to have daddy issues the rest of your life. Chow all the box you want but Daddy Dearest is never going to go away.

Then again, you seem to know how the world really works. Best way to get wealthy without working? Marry a rich guy, hire a lawyer, and then get a check for half his net worth. It's a good racket. Keep marrying wealthy guys 20-25 years older than you, then fleece them for a shit-ton of cash, so you can go on holiday for a year-long bender, wash up in rehab, then go hook another dude after you get kicked out of rehab.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Things were so bad that you called Hannah to bail you out? That reeks of desperation.You two deserve each other. Like Sid and Nancy. The odds are 3/1 that you scoop Hannah's eyeballs out by the end of the season.

Kind regards,

P.S. Know where I can score some quality blow? Best place to meet dealers? The parking lot of rehab clinics.


Yo Adam,

BTW, thumbs up for nailing the nature of female friendship: "Ignore all logic." Very astute to realize that female-female relationships are like primal fights to the death due to the "vortex of guilt and jealousy with each other that clouds their judgement."

We have a lot in common. I hate Hannah's friends too. Hell is being stuck with all four of them in a car while driving cross country. I think I'd rather have a nail hammered through my scrotum than sit in a car for two hours with Hannah.

Your main job is to feed the proper happy pills to Hannah, but one day she's gonna go off them. That's when shit'll get ugly. Fast. My advice to you... bail. ASAP. Make sure you knock boots with Shosh before you leave that clique in the dust.

Later on,


Marnie Marnie Marnie,

Rainbow Brite? And you consider yourself an artist? Pfffffft.

Your issues are rooted in your cougar mom. She's like grandma age and thinks she's in her 20s, which is scary. No wonder you can't move on from failed relationships. People drift in and out of your life. Why? Because that's life. Suck it up, buttercup. Get over it.

You're deplorable. I can't stand whiny, over-educated, insecure, grossly-entitled young women who think that they need a boyfriend to validate their existence. You'll never find yourself if your identity is hinged upon a relationship. No wonder you're taking the Charlie break up so badly.

Yet you tell Shosh the most hypocritical thing possible: "If you can avoid love and feelings and matters of the heart and soul, you'll be so much better off."

You know who always avoids love, feelings and matters of the heart and soul? Hookers and politicians.

Ditch the tweener sheets. Ditch your cougar mom (she's toxic). Flush the sand out of the vag and turn your pain into art. Until then, try snorting Xannax. They hit you faster that way.

Incredulously yours,

P.S. Your new apartment smells like a Korean food truck crashed into a Sephora.


Oh Hannah,

What's the deal with the JFK haircut? Is Lilith Fair on tour?

Also, do you always dress like you're in a rush? That was the LULZ. Love it when someone calls you out for wearing dresses like if my immigrant grandma took acid and went shopping at a Salvation Army donation dumpster.

Hannah... some things never change. You're more self-absorbed than ever before. Even your own chant-happy therapist can't stand you.Your friend Jessa ditched you and you go running at her the moment she needs your help. Talk about a terrible co-dependent relationship. She was in need of serious help (not drugs, but emotional issues) yet you decided to help her flee rehab because you thought it would be a good story for your e-book. Lame sauce times twelve. Exploiting your friends to get paid? Despicable.

Finish that e-book ASAP before you lose your mud and build up a tolerance to happy pills, or Adam flips out and adds rat poison to your pancakes. By the way... keep an eye on him. I have a feeling that he's gonna dump you for Shosh. Those two make a cute couple. Now she can be Marshall of the "cum parade."

Oh, and the first time you got fingered was during Truth or Dare? I feel sorry for the kid who got dared. He's lucky his hand didn't wither up and die.


P.S. Jerking off kidney stone guy? You need to show Shosh how it's done properly.



What's up honeypot? Adam is a moron. Not worth the hassle. Glad you told him and Hannah off. Funny shit.

Let me know what you and your crazy BFF are up to so we can hang out sometime and make fun of Hannah's outfits.

See ya,

More recaps of Girls can be found here.

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