﻿Feeling depressed caring for MIL and like my marriage is falling apart. Am I being selfish? - AgingCare.com

My MIL and SIL stay with my DH and I in our very small two bedroom home along with our two children. It's definitely not enough space for all of us and I frequently find myself wanting to run away. The caregiving role was pretty much forced upon me. My husband and I would argue about it forseeing it would happen and I would always let him know that I didn't want it. I would feel like a terrible person saying this but I knew the stress that comes with caregiving and I'm an introvert who needs my space.

Well things have happened to where her health declined and she's forced to live with us. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed and weighed down. Not only am I helping with the caregiving but I'm also a new mom to infant twins. I barely sleep and I still have to get up every morning to a full time job. I feel like my husband tries to do his best but our relationship is not how it once was. His main concern has been his mom for the past years and we have no time for romance. It's hard to even try to be intimate sharing such close quarters with my MIL and SIL. Basically I had to give up our babies room so my MIL could have a room of her own. I will say my MIL is a sweet person and I never had a negative relationship with her nor with my SIL but things are different once you live with a person. Again I'm an introvert who needs my own space.

I feel like I'm always on. I never have a moment to myself. When I get home all I want to do is relax but I'm immediately tending to the needs of either my babies or my MIL. We all try to chip in but it's hard and I feel like I'm wearing myself thin. My husband and I have only went on one date since last year. I feel like all we ever talk about is his mom and her health. I'm always tied to the house because its 24/7 care needed for both her and the babies.

I cant concentrate at work anymore and afraid I'm developing insomnia. I just dont know what to do and feel so hopeless like my marriage is over. But the thing is my husband is a good person that's why I feel bad. He has always been a self proclaimed "mamas boy" which I thought was cute initially, but not so much anymore.

There are things he has done that has also made me feel less important. For example when his mom would wake multiple times at night he and his sister would take shifts to tend to her but it was not so with me and the babies until I mentioned it. I gave up my bed for my MIL and slept on the couch or even the floor sometimes, all while I was transitioning back to work, until I decided to let the babies sleep in our room so she can have theirs instead. I could go on and on but I'll cut it short.

Basically I just feel emotionally drained and wanting some normalcy back in my life. I dont know if our relationship will ever get back to where it was. The intimacy is dead and I'm sad about that yet don't know how to fix it. Am I being selfish for the way I feel?

Your husband is the one who should be sleeping on the sofa or the floor and not you! My goodness it sounds like you have made far too many sacrifices in order for your husband to continue to be a mama's boy. Mama's boys are definitely not cute! They're actually pathetic and need to be taught to grow up.

Move your twins into the master bedroom with you. Make the master bedroom your private room for you and your twins. Knowing that you are an introvert means that you are aware of how draining interacting with people is for you. And everyone needs to respect your space.

Do what you need **first** so that you can be there for your twins. Your twins need their mother to be healthy and strong. You need to be healthy and strong to get through this ordeal. You focus on you and your twins.

Your husband is an adult and can do for himself. He can cook for himself. He can clean up after himself. He can be the caregiver for his mother. He's checked out of his marriage and parenting his twins and that is an unfortunate choice on his part. However, you cannot make his choices your problem because your twins need their mother.

Only by acting might your husband understand that you have changed your priorities. And your priorities must be yourself and your twins. Let your husband deal with his mother and his sister himself.
Helpful Answer (17)
LTNY71 Mar 2019
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So, even if MIL passes, you are going to be stuck with SIL? Put together a schedule dividing the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. between the three of you. In fact you should get less because of the babies, but that may not be a battle to fight right now. Does SIL work outside the home? I'm sorry but if she can't make enough to live on her own, it's not you and DH responsibility to take money that you could be spending on your babies to supplement her income. She needs to get a second or different job!!
Helpful Answer (13)

The mom and the sister need to live elsewhere. If the mom has cancer but no money there must be public assistance that will cover her care. The sister can then work more to pay for her own place or find a room in exchange for housework or babysitting. Of course your husband isn't going to go along with this. I'd have a hard time being attracted to, much less married to, a man who would subject me to this situation.
Helpful Answer (11)
Yep! Hubby needs to put wife first! He has it set up if she complains then she is the bad guy, which she isn’t! She’s exhausted!!!
"I help with changing her and adjusting her on the bed. She also doesn't like to be alone so she likes me to hold her hand alot. So when I'm not with the boys I'm with her. "

I hope you don't injure yourself doing this. You have to stay strong and limber to take care of your twins! Do you ever get ANY time to yourself? My goodness...working fulltime with twins?! What about you?

Is there a plan for when MIL dies? Is SIL going to continue living with you?

Do you also take your twins to daycare? If so, then THEY deserve all of your time and attention once you get home from work.
Helpful Answer (11)

The really sad thing is that you married a dutiful boy and then procreated with him.

To his credit he did warn you that he is a boy and the odds of that changing are pretty slim. As sad as that is, I think it is more common in this day and age of so many absentee daddies.

You have some decisions to make and they will not be easy and either way everyone looses. How does he expect his children to grow up with no space to call there own? They are going to take up much more space as they age and that seems to happen overnight.

I just had a thought, does mom and sister have any income? If yes perhaps you can find a used travel trailer that can be parked in your yard and provide mom and sil a bedroom and bathroom. We gave our old one to friends that use it as a guest bedroom. Even a 14 to 18 foot one can be modified and have beds at each end. Or money and space considered you can get a larger one that has a living room, small efficient kitchen with a full bath and room for 2 twin beds.

You can not function well without proper rest, something needs to shift and unfortunately that might mean you and your children getting away from the dysfunction going on.

Just curious, with 2 of her children present why are you being pulled into caregiving for her, your children come first, period. She or her children can care for her needs while you are mom to your babies.

I am so sorry that you and your babies are in a position that is so difficult.
Helpful Answer (10)
I like the trailer idea! So practical for not much money, if there are any extra funds.
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No wonder you are exhausted.
No wonder your Marriage is falling apart....By the way have you told this to your husband? He really needs to hear you say it.
No, let me repeat that NO!!! you are not being selfish.
I doubt anyone could all that in a 4 bedroom house let alone a 2 bedroom house.
(and let me guess..4 adults, 2 babies and ...wait for it 1 bathroom right?)
Do you have any hair left? I would have pulled mine out a long time ago.
A few suggestions and I am sure some have been mentioned or will be.
If MIL and SIL have funds they NEED to go. Assisted Living, Senior housing whatever works. If there are no funds they check with the Housing Authority in your area for low income housing.
Application for Medicaid if that is needed. For both if possible.
Another option if this is at all possible and you want or need to keep everyone together you need to move to a larger house.
Any funds that the MIL and SIL have can be put to their housing expenses, so a portion of the mortgage, food, all bills so that you are not financially subsidizing them.

Push come to shove...and I HATE ultimatums if you can move out with the twins. This will get across the point that you can not tolerate the living situation as it is and that something needs to be done.
If possible talk to your doctor about counseling you are under a great deal of emotional stress and you need to sort how much you want to take.
Helpful Answer (10)

Why? Jusy why? Are you a martyr? Take your babies and move out until he can come up with a better solution. Why is the sister even there? Put MIL in a hospice facility and give SIL the boot. You don't have to kill yourself to take care of these people - there is govt assistance available for them, too.
Helpful Answer (9)

Just reaching out to say that you're not alone. My best advice is that the MIL and SIL need to find a place of their own. If it's not financially viable, then they need to apply for assistance. Their own place can be near yours, just not IN yours. You're not being selfish at all, and things will only only get worse if it continues like this. You need to take care of yourself. *hugs*
Helpful Answer (8)
shad250 Mar 2019
The money may not be there for MIL and SIL to do this.
Sounds like your H will insist upon MIL/SIL living with you until MIL dies. What kind of cancer does she have? COULD this scenario stretch out into years?

What kind of caregiving are you helping out with for MIL?

The twins should be your reason for backing out of ANY help with MIL.
Helpful Answer (8)

My MIL has been living with us for 7 years. At the beginning, she was functioning and healthier. She has dementia now and other situations where she needs constant watching. His care for her has caused a lot of problems in my marriage too. No vacations, time for ourselves, etc, etc.
She is still able to bathe (she is now forgetting the soap) and walks with a walker. What I do is let my husband do 90% of the work. When he is not home, I keep an eye on her and feed her. That is it. I don't have children and we are both retired but still it is his mother and the responsibility should fall on him not you. We are now getting 15 hours a week of home care and are able to take time for ourselves. Try getting Medicaid for her. Start now, the process takes forever. Good Luck. Your children and husband come first, that is what your husband should think too.
Helpful Answer (8)
That is a great set up that you and your husband established for his mom and I'm glad things were able to turn around for you. I'm beginning to take that same approach and be there for comfort and support, but the heavy care giving duties are now being left to my husband and SIL. We are also looking into home care and working on getting her medicaid. Thank you for your great advice.
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