Friday, December 31, 2010

Resolutions and the Common Denominator

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Why? Because I have enough daily crap on my plate to contend with, so adding more pressure on myself to do things I already know I need to do doesn't make any sense. Besides, I'm a chronic procrastinator, so I'm sure I'd just push them off until the next year.

My point is, resolutions don't work for me. I don't know anyone whom they do work for. Granted, I can see the appeal of looking at a new year as marking post for a fresh start, however, there is one problem. No matter how long of a list of resolutions you make, or how resolved you feel you are, you are setting yourself up for failure if you forget the common denominator.


We get so excited about making changes that we often disregard digging into the root cause. We think our feelings about facing a shiny, fresh New Year will be enough to carry us through and see our resolutions end in success. Euphoria is a fleeting thing and soon enough, we are faced with reality. And the reality is that if it wasn't important enough for us to do it no matter what time of year it is, we aren't going to do it just because we made a fancy promise to ourselves while drinking champagne and kissing random people ... unless your resolution was to kiss more random people.

So, let's take a look at some of the most popular New Year's Resolutions and dissect why they fail.

1) Losing Weight. I've already seen numerous tweets about people hopping on scales and looking up their BMI to determine just how many pounds they are going to resolve to lose. That's great, but how are you going to do it? Do you have an action plan ... an realistic action plan that doesn't involve getting a 12 week parasite? Even if you do have a fantastic plan in place, have you stopped to look at the reason WHY you are resolving to lose weight? Is it because it's the thing to do? Have you been stockpiling Cosmo and comparing your reflection to the pictures you find? Are there people in your life who are bugging you about looking unacceptable? Do you need to do it for health reasons?

If you don't determine the root cause behind why you WANT to lose weight, or, more importantly, whether or not you really NEED to, you will fail. Sure, you may drop some initial pounds right away, but have you changed what needed to be changed? If you are resolving to lose weight because you are unhappy with yourself, then start by determining how to fix that first.

If you're doing it because everyone else is, then you're just a sheep and you really should find another blog to read.

Without taking a close, hard look at you, the common denominator, you are just going to find yourself in the same place in 365 days.

2) Quitting Smoking. This is a task I would like to accomplish this year, but I am well aware of the fact that making a resolution about it will not cause me to quit. I've "quit" many times before and always come back. To be perfectly honest, the more it becomes taboo, the less I want to quit simply because I refuse to let my freedoms be taken from me. Right now, I have more reasons to keep smoking than I do to quit, so, until I change that about myself, I'm not going to be successful at ceasing to be a smoker.

If you truly want to quit smoking, then sit down and look at all the things you will need to put into place in order to accomplish this goal. Talk with your doctor about it. Research what method has the lowest recidivism rate. Go into it with as much knowledge and contingency plans as you can gather, but remember, you are what will determine if you make it.

3) Finding Love. There is something so inherently wrong to me about making a New Year's Resolution to find love. It's like people want to set themselves up for heartache. I understand wanting to find a mate, however, resolving to find love creates an incomplete picture. This is the biggest area where you need to factor in the common denominator.

Not many of us resolve to be alone. We want companionship. We want a mate. We want a love that defies all others. So what have you done today to be that for yourself? To be that for your friends? Your mate? The search for happiness must first be turned inward if we ever hope to find it. Have you ever tried being in any kind of relationship with a miserable person? I can barely even stand to see their tweets, let alone consider sharing any portion of my life with them.

Pause to reflect on who you are and who you want to be. If you have no idea who you are, then finding love needs to be off your resolution or to do list until you get a clue. Take a look at why your relationships failed in the past and learn from those mistakes. If you refuse to learn from history, then you are doomed to repeat it, no matter how sincere your resolution is.

What I am really getting at is that we can only change what we control and hope to influence what we don't. The only thing you can always control is YOU! If you want a better life, then figure out what it is you're doing to prevent that. Take inventory of what compassion you've shown to others, what restraint you've shown in your own life, what freedoms you've allowed yourself and what areas you have repressed yourself. You are the only constant in every situation in your life, which is actually good news since you are the one in control of you.

As I look back on 2010, it was a very good year in which I followed through on a lot of the changes I needed to make and was blessed with the love of a lifetime. I still have a long way to go in becoming the woman I want to be, however, there will be no New Year's Resolutions for this bitch. I walk forward into 2011 knowing I have the power to change my life and praying for the ability to influence others to find that power within themselves.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Santa Baby

Interesting thing I discovered about myself this year? I have a Santa Fetish.

Okay, so that picture's not really my fetish or fantasy. To be honest, it wasn't until joking with my pet about sitting on his lap while he was wearing a Santa hat and telling him what I wanted for Christmas that it hit me. The thought of him wearing a Santa costume while I teased him through the velvety red pants and whispered in his ear all the things his naughty girl wanted made me wet.

Now I have plans to get him a full old fashioned Santa costume and perform all sorts of dirty acts with him in it. Of course, that is unless Danny Mountain shows up at my door wearing one. Then I'll just have to prove how naughty of a girl I really am.

So, from me to all of you, Merry Christmas and may you wake up to what you deserve not just this day of giving, but every day. And if you don't have it, go get it!

But keep your paws off Santa, he belongs to The Alpha Pussy!

Just imagine the spanking I'm going to make him give me after he makes his list and checks it twice.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

101 Cool Way to Lose Your Cool

When I was in college those many years ago, my sister pointed me to an amazing list: 101 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate. My favorite? Ship your dorm room door to roommate's parents COD. Since then, I have always had a soft spot for 101 Lists. I am not known for keeping a lid on my temper, or my mouth for that matter, so it is helpful to be creative when exploding. I'm going to have to dig deep for some of these.

1. The withering stare. Nothing says "I am not happy" like the you-are-an-idiot-I-hope-you-die stare. Babysit a few bratty kids to get this one right.

2. The middle finger. This is an age-old way to express losing your cool. What makes it cool is how simplistic it is.

3. Grenade. If you don't get it, you have no idea what cool is.

4. Climb your local clock tower with a high powered rifle. Be sure to take out anyone wearing spandex.

5. Throw a snow globe against the wall. Not only have you expressed losing your cool, you have released the tiny prisoners inside the globe.

6. Stab random people with a spork. Finally! The spork is useful for something other than Mexican pizzas.

7. Request Eminem during karaoke night. Honestly, any of his songs will do, but if you really want to go out in a blaze of glory, choose Go To Sleep.

8. Go on a zombie hunt. Remember the only way to kill them is to shoot them in the head - or you can just remove said head.

9. Stand on a table in the food court and give a 5 minute address on how you would have made a better president.

10. Track down the person who picked on you in grade school and beat the crap out of them.

11. Egg your co-worker's house. Nothing says I find you annoying like raw omelets.

12. Lead the police on a high speed chase while blasting Judas Priest - make sure your windows are all rolled down.

13. Jump the shark. Which, ironically, is what my blog might just be doing with this post.

14. Create alternate personalities on Twitter and spring them on unsuspecting people.

15. Use your Jedi Mind Trick on the kids behind the Starbucks counter to obtain free Frappuccinos. This process could take hours to be successful, so be committed to the long-haul.

16. Call Homeland Security and report your neighbors as Terrorists. Be sure to specify that their children are actually midget infiltrators.

17. Stand on top of a salon and drop water balloons on customers as they leave.

18. Throw salsa.

19. Open the passenger door as you drive by a jogger. Extra points if they don't see you coming.

20. Execute a flying elbow on the parents of the bratty kid in the next booth. Be sure to tell the kid, "You're next."

21. Become a vigilante.

22. Learn to swear in German. Nothing sounds cooler, or more angry, than cussing in German.

23. Start carrying a baseball bat around, pointing it at random people, asking who wants some.

24. Cut off your hand and replace it with a chainsaw - Evil Dead style. Then you always have a cool way to lose your cool.

25. Stand up on your desk at work and scream, "Don't let them get me!"

26. Wasabi Funyuns.

27. Don't speak for an entire day, just stare.

28. Prank call your congressmen.

29. Steal a tank and drive it through the streets of Malibu. Don't bother with San Diego, it's already been done.

30. Bazooka - and I'm not talking bubble gum here.

31. Cold Stone Creamery Amaretto and Cake Batter ice cream.

32. Learn to master the yo-yo as a weapon.

33. Eviscerate your enemies in fiction. We all studied Chaucer, time to take decisive action!

34. Cropdust.

35. Lots and lots of whiskey.

36. Start a bar fight. Make sure there is a pool table, so you can arm yourself with a cue stick.

37. Light poisonous bugs on fire. They make a satisfying POP.

38. Write reviews of your co-workers' emails.

39. Head bang to Rammstein.

40. Give finger paint to your neighborhood children. Make sure to exclude telling their parents.

41. Blurt out a 7-10 word sentence using nothing but varying forms of the f word.

42. Make chocolate cake and leave it in the work fridge to be stolen by unscrupulous co-workers. The secret ingredient should be Ex-lax.

43. Get into a swearing contest on Twitter.

44. Sarcasm.

45. Perform a Terminator 2 reenactment on your local freeway.

46. Cover your face in Little Mermaid temporary tattoos.

47. Write the Anti-Cleaver Handbook for Housewives.

48. This one comes via my nephews: Place Legos on the ceiling fan & wait for someone to come along and turn it on.

49. Purchase a Do It Yourself Home Voodoo Kit.

50. Bang your head against the wall. Now, this one takes skill. If you do not have a hard head, or are inexperienced with concussions, I suggest leaving this one alone. Actually, scrap all of that. Bang someone else's head against the wall.

51. Glue a quarter to the sidewalk.

52. Steal a garden gnome and take him on a cross country crime spree.

53. Create a blog post discussing cool ways to lose your cool.

54. Run away and join the circus - no more idle threats!

55. Snatch the cell phone out of the hand of the girl using it in the bathroom and flush it down the toilet.

56. Bumper boats.

57. Play F-Zero X on the Game Cube - Death Race!!! Just don't drive after. Really. Don't. I've killed more people doing that then when I was on the clock tower.

58. Hot skillet to the head. Best if there are half-cooked eggs in it.

59. Sing The Lumberjack Song.

60. Put Swiss cheese slices in any car that has an open window. Make sure it's during the summer.

61. Scribble your co-workers' home phone numbers on the men's bathroom wall at the airport.

62. Talk like Mojo Jojo, for talking like Mojo Jojo is something that Mojo Jojo enjoys talking about.

63. Set your phaser to maim.

64. Become a pirate - and I'm not talking about running off to Somalia. Be a real pirate. Start your pillaging!

65. Go to Disneyland and beat up the characters. Snow White deserves it the most for being stupid enough to take an apple from a hag who needed Valtrex cream for her face.

66. Visit the monkeys at the zoo and fling poo back.

67. Play a rousing game of doorbell ditch - just for old times sake.

68. Sake bombs!

69. Irish Car Bombs - and this time I'm not talking about the drink.

70. Turn everything said in your vicinity into an innuendo. Threaten to claim harassment. (Her ass meant - see how it works)

71. Start a Journey sing-a-long at work. "Don't stop believing..."

72. Write a letter to your parents telling them all the things that you did and got away with while growing up.

73. Go to your local church service, stand up and ask if they are taking requests at this time.

74. Start your own Baseketball League.

75. Closeline every 4th person who walks by you.

76. Rubberband WAR!!! The fun and games begin WHEN you hit someone in the eye.

77. Put the soundtrack for CHIPS on repeat and go trolling for motorcycle cops.

78. Have your friends name your maladies and begin the public criticism.

79. Make fun of stupid people.

80. Nerf Dart Gun: careful, purchasing this instrument of death may cause you to be placed on the government's militia watchlist.

81. Impersonate an FBI agent and interrogate people on the street. Claim to be looking for the one-armed man.

82. Fight Club for Women.

83. Work the insult "big doo-doo headed ninnies" into your vernacular.

84. Shop smart, shop S-Mart.

85. Lead a group of Star Wars fans to a trekkie convention.

86. Bangers and mash. The name itself brings about so many ideas.

87. BEER!!!

88. Go up to strangers and ask them if they want to know how you got your scars. Oh yeah, you need to be holding a knife to their throat.

89. Fling wet noodles - and I'm talking pasta not blonds.

90. Install a flux capacitor in your car. That way, if #85 doesn't work, you can jump back and implement #3.

91. Fire bomb Twitter for the constant "Try the NEW Twitter" pop-up.

92. Become an assassin for hire. That way you can at least use this to turn a profit.

93. Kidnap Kim Jong-Il and use him as a punching bag.

94. Carry a small hatchet around on your belt. Better put a spade on the other side to ensure you can bury the bodies.

95. Replace your roommate's Bare Minerals with lye powder. See if she tries to skip on cleaning the kitchen again.

96. Set an elaborate trap that ends in your neighbor startling a skunk - inside their house.

97. Set fire to random people.

98. Nothing says I've lost my cool like neplam.

99. Challenge the guy at the bus stop who is talking to himself to a cage match.

100. Bathe in the blood of your enemies.

101. Drum roll, please. The Coolest Way to Lose Your Cool? Take it away, Mrs. White.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I Like It

I wanted to share with all of you a song I recently fell in love with by Lacuna Coil. It sums up the heart of my past few years, not to mention I love the melody.

If you're not celebrating your life, then it's time to move on and find what makes you fly.

Lyrics by Lacuna Coil & Dan Gilmore

Everything is different today
I like it, like it
I feel very different today
I like it, like it

I'm not gonna be in your parade
'cause I don't like it
You think I'm a dirty little game
You think I like it
You made up this fantasy with me
But I don't like it
I want you to get away from me
That's how I like it
How do you like it?

Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside

You think you're the master, I'm the slave
You think I like it
You don't even know me anyway
That's how I like it
I'm getting ready to move on
But you don't like it
You can kiss your fairy tale away
I like it, like it
How do you like it?

Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside

Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside

I'm free to do what I like
I'm celebrating my life
I'm free to be what I like
I'm celebrating my life
I'm gonna get what I like
I'm gonna celebrate 'till I die
I'm celebrating my life

Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside

Today I'm gonna fly
There's nothing that can keep me on the ground
Touch the sky
I'm free inside

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Flogging PW

As I mentioned in my previous post, I purchased a flogger a few months ago. Of course, I already have my eye on another one, but I'm waiting for Santa to bring that one. I can't imagine he'd skip a trip to the girl a the top of his naughty list this year.

I'd originally intended to purchase the Pink Whip, but then I saw this one.

The metal handle with accompanying chain is what did me in. It's just so SEXY.

What I love most about my flogger is the ability to use it both to tease and to visit true punishment. Some of you may be pointing to those soft looking tips and saying they can't bring any real pain. See, that's where you're wrong, because it's all in the wrist. Have you ever been snapped by a towel? Imagine at least 30 small towels snapping your skin all at once. Repeatedly.

Now that you have a clear picture of how PW felt, let me describe what really matters. How I felt.

Like sex incarnate. The power of him submitting to me while I teased, taunted and flogged him was amazing. As I mastered the subtle wrist flicks, watching the welts rise, a sense of invincibility settled over me. I felt every last bit the Bitch Goddess that I am.

While this wasn't the only method of spanking or punishment I used, it was my favorite. But if Santa will see fit to bring me The Snake Dominator 1, black please, I would be open to comparison.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Wanton Slut: The Whore Within

Slut and whore are words that carry negative connotations. Women displaying their sexual natures are discouraged by being labeled with these words. I've myself have been hurt by them in the past, however, they are words that can ring of love and freedom.

So, I'll share a little secret with you on how to achieve fulfillment as a real woman in a committed relationship: BE A WANTON SLUT WITH YOUR LOVER!

Sex is meant to be enjoyable for both parties. If you find that you are just going through the motions and hoping that sex is over soon, then it is time for you to perform an honest evaluation of yourself and your relationship. You are doing a disservice to your partner and, more importantly, yourself. Why give away any moments of your life? Especially mind-blowing orgasm moments.

There's nothing wrong with sharing your deepest fantasies with your partner and acting on them together. In fact, you NEED to. Stop being so uptight about acting like a slut and go for it. Face your preconceived notions about what it means to be a good woman and toss being a good girl out the window.

When I was preparing for my trip to go spend a week in a hotel room with my man, I bought quite a few pieces of sexy lingerie. I also purchased a Catholic School Girl outfit, (and a flogger, but that's a topic for a whole other post). And I had fun with that outfit. I was a VERY naughty girl.

Because I was with the love of my life and a man I trust above all others I could let all my inhibitions go and be a fucking whore. I have never felt so sexy and powerful in my entire life.

So many times we are more concerned with our lover's orgasm that we don't demand our own. About 75% of women have never experienced a vaginal orgasm, so get his mouth down there! If he doesn't know how, there are several instructional books, websites or videos for him to learn from. Or have him ask @Pussy_Whisperer. Keep him between your legs until you are thoroughly satisfied. Speak up and tell him what you like, what turns you on, what makes you come. The more explicit and dirtier word choices you use when telling him, the better.

When was the last time you climbed across the table at breakfast to kiss your lover? Get to know your lover's body. Spend time kissing, licking and nibbling on the places that drive him crazy--then walk away. Make him beg. Reward him when he's good with sexual favors. When you're standing in the pasta aisle at the grocery store, kiss him and grab his cock. Keep him guessing you're going to do next. Unfetter your sexual nature and let it out to play.

Now, admittedly I am a bit bias on this one because I LOVE performing oral, however, if you expect oral than you need to give it. I know there are a lot of women who don't like to give blow jobs. Really? What can be more stimulating than being in such full control of a man? Take your time and show some enthusiasm. The more you're into it, the more power you will have over him.

The most important thing is to be yourself without limits. The only limits you should have in your relationship are those defined between you and your partner, not ones that society, religion or your upbringing have placed on you. Seek freedom and always remember to have a safe word.

Slut? Whore? FUCK YEAH I AM!