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Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Bicyclists are the Worst People

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's an angry rant.

If you asked me who the worst group of people out there were, I wouldn't answer the Jihadists, the race-baiters, or the feminists, though I do hate 'em (well, I only dislike the feminists). I would answer the bicyclists. Why? They're the ones who interrupt our daily way of life while integrating themselves into it, are incredibly pretentious, are a danger to society, and Shigeru Miyamoto is one of them.

We can see that ISIS, Al Sharpton, or Anita Sarkeesian are all crazy people or organisations. That's apparent to the average person, and one of the big challenges of their groups is trying to make themselves look normal. They can't convince the public based off the strength of their ideologies, so they try to force them on with the strength of thug-rule.

But the bicyclists? They've already won.

One of the things about Shigeru Miyamoto's "lore", if you will, is that he's an avid bicyclist and he bikes to work. It's one of the details his fans love about him, that he's "real", "genuine", and "quirky". According to a 2010 issue of The New Yorker, Nintendo has actually ordered Miyamoto to stop bicycling or walking to work.
This is a very good call on Nintendo's part. Even though just yesterday I said that planes are better than cars and cars are a miserable and dangerous experience, cars are still better than bikes.

Obviously Nintendo doesn't have an airport next to their HQ, and Miyamoto manning a helicopter to work is a hilarious but unrealistic thought. (Perhaps he'll man an Arwing and get the controls for Star Fox Zero to be better through personal experience? MAYBE THAT'S WHY IT GOT DELAYED? Yeah Star Fox Zero got delayed but we didn't write about it since we don't care.)

Star Fox Zero Nintendo Treehouse Live Wii U Pigma Fox Arwing Wolfen
Fox's Arwing colliding into Pigma's Wolfen. Miyamoto decided the controls need to be better.

Bicycles are just really bad. They're totally unsafe to ride because unlike a big metal box with wheels, you're exposed on all sides on your flimsy bicycle. They're also somehow more expensive than other modes of transportation, depending on your location.

Pokemon Pokémon Blue Red Yellow Green Kanto Gen 1 first bicycle shop bike overpriced 1000000 Cerulean City
Next time I write a column about the virtues of competition/capitalism
or the horrors of socialism, I'll reuse this screenshot.

Bicyclists tout the exercise they're getting, which means they think they're better than people who drive to work. After all, they're getting Wii Fit pedometer points or whatever and you're just sitting moving only one foot to break/accelerate. Only one foot! You pedal with both! What a loser, you car-driver you!

So because they put themselves in such danger but for a good purpose (exercise), they demand these things called bike lanes. What a bike lane is is that the right-turn lane you once had, or the emergency lane where you sat your flat-tired car, is now converted to a lane just for bicyclists to ride in. And if they don't get this, then they'll drive in front of your car lane in a mass swarm. They won't let you pass them, and your car will have to move at the bicyclist's slow speed.

The worst is when it's a single-lane situation and the bicyclist and its buddies are ahead of ya.

Let's remember Mario Kart Wii. That was the first game in the series to introduce bikes, and they made a huge impression: They were completely unbalanced compared to karts, and absolutely outperformed karts in every circumstance. Mario Kart Wii turned into people online picking N64 Sherbet Land so they could just have this massive open space to do wheelies all the time for speed-boosts. By the way, don't believe for a moment there isn't a connection between Miyamoto's biking roots and Mario Kart Wii's bike non-balancing. He's a bike supremacist!

Mario Kart Wii Funky Kong bike bicycle wheelie
I was a big fan of Funky Kong...
...Until 2008 when Mario Kart Wii came out.
Image credit to PlayingWithMahWii.

I was steadfast in my belief that Mario Kart should be about playing with karts, not bikes. And so I flat-out sucked at the game compared to everyone who used bikes. And competitive Mario Kart players are a strange bunch. I don't like 'em at all. They're inundated with this clan culture... like they're a biker gang.

That's exactly what they are. That's what they all are. So they're the worst people.

How have bicyclists already succeeded? Because everyone else seems to respect them. They've already won that battle. Everyone submits to their pretentious ways. "Yeah, you're right that you live a healthier lifestyle than I do." So what? That doesn't make them better people! They just wanna shove it in your face very visibly by blocking all the lanes with their biker gang so you have no choice but to look at them exercise while on the road. That's an act of malice, not an act of respect!

Ludwig doesn't even know how to ride a bike, so there's that. You won't see that fact captured in Mario Kart 8 for the same reason that Baby Daisy is allowed and is able to drive cars in the game. By the way, if you ask Ludwig who the worst group of people are sometime in the future, and he forgets he wrote this article and says something different than the bicyclists, don't shove this article into his face.

Ludwig  not only bashed Miyamoto for riding a bike, but also for making Wii Fit to help people lose weight.
You still shouldn't ever ride a bicycle.


  1. Yeah, I dislike bikes in general. My body coordination is not so good so I struggled learning to ride them. I remember either the day or the day before I got my driving license and was practicing for the road test I was in a naroow lane stuck behind a bicycle and could not do anything and had to drive the speed that they were. I get nervous when they are near me because I am always afraid to hit them when driving and when I was a pedestrian I got hit in the back by one. I struggled to tell whether it was safe to cross the street or not and at the end froze in the middle because I was so afraid of moving and that bicyclist was was rude to me. Stupid kids were riding a bike in the sidewalk and I got angry at them and they made a face at me.

    I wished the Pokemon riding mechanic in XY was expanded more. Would have not minded keeping a Skiddo/Gogoat the whole time just to avoid that bike but there are rollerblades as an option (and running shoes in previous games) Also Bikes mess up with the listening experience in Pokemon with its own theme so I ride back and forth between lanes just so I can hear nice route music.

    1. I do not ride a bike in Pokémon games because of its route music override. The bike getting its own theme and hijacking the route is typical of a bicyclist's pretentious attitude. I'm happy for the Running Shoes/rollerskates.

      Thanks for sharing your story. I've never gotten hit by a guy riding a bicycle, but it sounds very unpleasant. In my area, most bicyclists have gotten the message that they're not supposed to ride on the sidewalks, and more and more they're realising the traffic laws DO apply to them. It wasn't always that way, and it's not universal.

    2. I remember someone not chaining the bike when they entered a store. I watched the bike for the person (either until he returned or until the bus came) I have had my GBA SP swiped right from my hand and have been shocked about it for years so I prefer not witnessing even theft done to another person and trigger horrible memories so I watched it. But that is probably one of the the only few times I will do something good for a bicyclist.

    3. ...Oh, my first read of this was that you watched the bike for the person and he repaid the favour by stealing your GBA SP.

      Yeah, theft isn't nice for anyone. You see that the bike costs 1,000,000 Poké. That's grand larceny!

    4. I read a newspaper article today that bicyclists who feel they are above the law and go through a red light are a big problem for people who are blind or have other issues with visual impairment. The people can hear a car coming but not a bike coming as well and really rely on everyone following traffic laws.

      Also, about last month, an idiotic bycyclist did not stop for red, I had to use the sidestep move like in Smash Bros and he said stupid things to me.

    5. I almost got trampled by a bicyclist on the sidewalk today. He actually had a light on the front of his bike and it almost blinded me (deer in the headlights?) so that could've ended poorly.

    6. New bicyclist story: On Friday we were driving to my in-laws and this bicyclist always seemed to be in the same direction we were driving too. Every time he passed us he would yell. I got scared every time. I was very glad when he finally went his own separate way.

  2. You've opened my eyes, thank you so much!


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