Readers' Submissions

Disaster Strikes!

  • Written by BKKSteve
  • August 19th, 2006
  • 11 min read


Well, not really but it feels like it. My world has come crashing down around me and every attempt to gain control has just put me in a flat uncontrollable spin and I’m losing altitude fast. I can see the water rushing towards me and the decision to pull the ejection handles might soon be made moot once the gravitational forces overpower the strength necessary to reach them. Dreams of being stuck underwater where the pressure is so great the canopy won’t open and the cold sea water is slowly filling the cockpit and even the straps won’t unbuckle, the oxygen is all used up, and electrical parts are burning and filling what air spaces are left with noxious fumes. I’ve practiced for years so this doesn’t happen, back up plans, redundant systems, hours in the simulator, but none of that is helping me now. My normally clear and lucid mind is starting to feel confusion as the oxygen starved brain cells start shutting down one by one. This can’t be happening I tell myself. And it isn’t a dream. My number one massage girl has left Bangkok.

You might not think this is such a serious matter but I disagree. First, you have to understand what it’s like to be given a Thai massage by a master. Not only a master but the perfect size that wraps around my body like only her slender and firm body will, looks that while not stunning are still attractive enough to hold your interest for hours at a time. Hands which are strong but soft, a trim waist, an assortment of interesting underwear that sneak out of the top of her back waistband which just happens to have enough space between to see down a good 6-8 inches.. which for a properly fit Thai woman is about as good as it gets. Here’s how it works:

She’s on speed dial #1, the wife on #2. Priorities. At any time you can ring her up and she’ll show up at your front door with a proper wai and a great smile and follow you into the bedroom where you’ve already cooled the room off, flipped on the fan, and slipped the Ipod into its sound dock with relaxing music flowing through the room. Prior to her arrival you’ve already showered and dressed in a sleeveless sports shirt and nylon sports shorts with enough room for expansion. As you take up position in the middle of the king size bed and lay down she wais, says a small prayer, opens her eyes and gives you a great smile and then starts in with the massage.

There are several “classes” of massages that can either make for a very pleasant experience or give you enough negative apprehension to destroy the experience. You have the old fugly chicks who delight in bending your spine in half and them maybe surprising you in the end by grabbing your balls and asking if you want a “special service”. I get the night sweats on bad nights thinking about this type. Then you have the slightly overage and overweight ex-bgs who think they’re still attractive and try and tease you throughout the session and then either offer a special service or not, but the fear of waiting for the hand to grab your boys might turn some guys on but it ruins it for me. Next you have the straight by the numbers massage where the lady doesn’t get physically close if you can help it and would rather bend over in an uncomfortable position just so their body never touches yours and these are ok, the technicals get done and no worries about surprises.

Finally the rare type, she actually likes you and enjoys being around you, close to you, limits the chat to just catching up on the week before going silent and letting you drift off into utter relaxation, enjoys wrapping her perfect body around your legs, against your groin, bending over so you can see down her shirt just enough to catch a hint of pink, and basically enjoys “doing you” enough so that it’s ok if you catch a glimpse of her breasts or whatever or if they rub against you for a while.. but would never ruin the experience by grabbing your groin or pushing something on you but at the same time will massage your ass and other parts in a very pleasant way without stepping over the line. Of course you want her to but you both know it would turn into something ugly at some point and then you’d lose her. Still, you know if you wanted she’d want to and somehow that’s enough for both of you. It’s enough that she knows every muscle, kink, and crevice of your body on a personal level and genuinely enjoys spending time with you. It’s enough to enjoy the person AND the dream while keeping the both separated. She was a jewel. The type of perfect pearl you only find after opening 1,000 oysters. The type who will show up at 0400 after you’ve just spent 35 hours in crappy airline seats and after you fall asleep will even empty your luggage and sort stuff out for you. The type where if you fall asleep will let herself out and lock up without going through your stuff knowing she’ll get paid on her next visit. It’s like fitting your body in the perfectly sized cockpit of an F-14E and all the instruments are within perfect reach, the controls are tight, and the plane captain has perfectly cleaned not only the canopy but your visor as well. It just doesn’t get any better than this.

By now you’re starting to understand the feeling of devastation I’m feeling, like hurricane Katrina swept through your world taking everything important to you, and then as if to add insult to injury not long after a backwash of tepid water mixed with raw sewage and other bacteria rises right up to the bottom of your lower lip if you stand on the very tips of your toes. Like Santa Claus left a piece of coal in your stocking when you were five years old.

But not to worry, I’ve picked myself up from worse, dusted off my britches and got back in the game. So I set off down the sois sticking my head in different massage places looking for that little hint of a spark or chemistry so I can offer the establishment’s owner a standing order for home service. No luck. The fact is, if you’re paying “Thai rates” for your two hour massage then the lady needs to work / live within walking distance of your place. I could call up any of the big places and place a 2,500 baht order for take out, but then you’re not after a massage and the wife wouldn’t be happy. Anyway, downstairs on the service floor there’s a massage service so I take her card, tell her what type of person I’m after, offer her a frequent and long standing arrangement, and she promises she has such a girl.

Girl #1 knocks on the door. She’s 150 pounds if she’s an ounce and hasn’t aged well at all. She still thinks she’s cute though and because it’s a “massage” you don’t turn her away based on looks alone, after all she might have magic hands. Immediately you notice she tries to imitate the style but can’t fit in the same places and she won’t stop brushing the back of her hand against my boys or trying to get a rise (and extra tip) out of me. Instead of enjoying yourself you can’t wait for it to be over, you give her a small tip, send her on her way, and pray next time will be better. A week goes by before you muster up the courage to try another and you ring up the massage place owner and ask her to try another girl.

Girl #2 knocks on the door and I’d swear she’s related to a pro linebacker! This girl is huge and probably regularly violates the human rights of POWs either in her dreams or another life. She gets on the bed and it groans in protest and the first big claw that grabs your feet feels like a human vice that squeezes so hard the blood supply stops flowing to your toes. By the time she gets done with you she’s re-aligned your spine and other body parts into a shape that resembles a pretzel and you can hardly make it off the bed to utter a thank you and pay her. Two weeks go by this time before ringing up the owner and asking for another girl.

Girl #3 knocks on the door and reminds me of my MIL with my great granny's perfume. The aroma is so strong it lingers in the room hours after she’s gone despite opening the windows and turning on the fan full speed. She doesn’t have enough strength in her hand and arms to lift your foot much less do a decent massage and 20 minutes into it she falls asleep and starts snoring! I get up and watch television and after about three hours her cell phone rings, she wakes up, and then has to explain to her boss where she’s been for a two hour massage? Feeling sorry for her I pay her and send her on her way. A month goes by and I decide to take another chance.. I call downstairs and wait for the knock on the door.

Girl #4 is n retired bargirl with three missing front teeth and at least 100 extra pounds. She speaks English well enough to chat you up during the entire massage which while decent wasn’t anything special while never allowing my eyes to close and the music to be listened to and that state of nirvana to be reached. She’s honest about her past career and offers to demonstrate the perfect BJ for a baht 500 tip to prove it. Sorry, the missing teeth are bad enough but even if I kept my eyes tightly shut I could feel her weight / size and I jut couldn’t handle it. I mean.. my wife has been missing in action back in the US for four months now and it’s not like there’s not a lot of pressure building up inside, but I honestly think I’d go without for the rest of my life before this lady.

By now you’re wondering where I found the first girl? How did I get so lucky? Easy. I asked my wife to find someone I’d enjoy and knowing who and what I am she went out and promptly found the perfect massage girl. She loves me for sure! I might try a few more in the coming months before the wife’s return but I’ll have to be really hard up for a massage before I do. I went from an average of six massages a month to going without (among other things) for 5-6 weeks between rolling the dice again. How much is a man supposed to take? Hell, if I knew the one I liked was going away I might have made a bid for her contract, after all I have an extra bedroom even after my housekeeper uses another.

In closing I’ll leave you with this thought. However good the great massage girl was at massages, my housekeeper is better at what she does! Younger, cuter, more talented, better company, and a fun person to share a place with. She’s the sort of Thai girl you’re all looking for but can never find. Highly educated (no kidding), pretty as can be, small and curvy, speaks great English, really knows how to keep house, has never been involved in any of the seedy parts of life, and is honest as the day is long. Oh yeah, and no family to support or care about. The perfect Thai woman. If it wouldn’t insult her I’d put her on Ebay and make a fortune! The last Thai woman of this quality I knew is now living a great married life in a European country with a man her own age and having a great life. There really are some gems out there if you take the time to look, but you’re sure in the hell not going to find them in bars or any of the entertainment venues. If I had ten more like her I’d open an introduction business and charge $10,000 US and you’d be getting a bargain in saved sick buffalo stories alone. She couldn’t go to just anybody, but someone her own age, I’d check out your TRW score, do a background check, and guarantee that if you ever hurt her feelings my six genetically challenged and rather large stupid cousins would visit you when you least expect it with the tools to make rocky mountain oysters. Seriously, I doubt any of you are worthy of her. However, there are always exceptions and if I find one…

Until next time..

Stickman's thoughts:

I agree with your summation of many of the massage girls around. I have personally found better massage to be found in the provinces than in the touristy areas of Bangkok.