Friday, November 25, 2011

Badger Preview: #19 Penn State

Sitting at work the Friday after Thanksgiving, this is pretty much my strategy for the day.  This is George Costanza... I fear no reprisal!

Anyway, that Illinois game was a classic case of knowing we were gonna somehow win, but still being terrified the whole time.  A couple of fortunate penalties, an invigorated 2nd half defense, and a steady dose of the Montee Ball Show were all UW needed to leave Chambana with a victory, though.  Big game this week as UW takes on embattled Penn State to win WhicheverDivisionWe'reIn and secure a spot in the first ever Big Ten Championship Game.  And the winner of that game gets to spend New Year's in Pasadena.  I like it.  Let's do it.

CHICAGO BADGERS: You should go to Madison, but if you don't, I'm gonna highly recommend Will's.  That place is amazing.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: Hit the tumblr.

QUICK NOTE: This will be a seriously abridged preview.  It's Thanksgiving and I've got 3 dinners to eat, the last of which will be White Castle.  We'll be back with a full preview next week.  Hopefully.

PS - Hey, Bodysuit Man!




Yeah, that might be a little difficult right now.


1) Double Sicilian Mac & Cheese - Ian's Pizza

SHOCKER.  I wish I had one more curveball to throw you here, but there's simply no denying the glory that is Ian's Sicilian Mac & Cheese.  As if regular mac & cheese pizza isn't good enough, they had to go ahead and make it available in deep dish.  Genius:

Usually I write 600 words about food here every week.  But it's Thanksgiving.  You know about Ian's.  You're surrounded by food.  Let's just leave it at that.


1) Double Sicilian Mac and Cheese - Ian's Pizza
2) Jin's Chicken - FUCK FISH
3) Tie - KCCTB and Union Basket
4) Melting Pot - Dotties
5) Cripple Creek - NO FUCKING TOMATOES
6) Plaza Burger and Cheesey Potato Things - Plaza
7) Sweet & Sour Chicken, sauce on the side - Asian Kitchen
8) Buffalo Bites - The City
9) Quaker Steak & Lube
10) Qdoba Queso Burrito, solely because of Henry
11) TBCGC, solely because of Heather
12) Di Roma Double Slicer - Chicken Parm and Pepp/Sausage



Penn State D-Line vs. UW O-Line

Big battle in the trenches on Saturday as probably the best front 7 in the Big 10 rumbles with the top offensive line in the conference.  It'll be especially interesting to watch as UW is shuffling around some linemen to compensate for injuries.  Konz will probably sit this out and get that ankle healthier before returning.  Groy tried plugging in at center, but he botched two straight snaps against Illinois and got bumped.  Regardless, I expect the Badgers to come out fired up on Senior day with a spot in the B1G Championship Game on the line.  Time to manhandle Penn State.  ROLE REVERSAL.

I'm sorry, the Penn State jokes are just way too easy.  It's really just child's play.

OK, I'm done.


The Used - The Taste Of Ink


Jay Zeezer - Say It Ain't December 4th

Sean Carter was born December 4th.

Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home

NHL 10, anyone?


Let's go to Indy

Big 10 Champs?  I can dig it.

First?  We beat Penn State


This is the scariest thing in the world and I think I just threw up a little.

I'm pretty sure this is fake, because if it's not then it is most definitely the most cruel thing ever.  I want to cry for Edgar.

PS - Never name your kid Edgar, just setting him up for disaster.



If you don't know the story by now, I go to the world's worst Thanksgiving dinner every year.  The food is just terrible.  Fortunately for me, though, my roommate had a Thanksgiving feast in our apartment.  Turkey with FLAVOR, actual gravy, mashed taters... all the glorious things I miss out on every year.  I was in the middle of shoveling my second plate down when I got picked up to go to Crapsgiving.  As you can see here, I made sure to load up as much as possible before heading out.

After dinners #1 and #2, it was finally time to indulge in my favorite tradition: Thanksgiving White Castle.  You see, after Crapsgiving every year my family books it straight to White Castle just so we can be as full and content as everyone else is.  Easily one of my favorite traditions, mostly because I fucking love White Castle and I don't get it nearly as often as I'd like.  As of Friday morning we had 4 of the original 30 left.  Those will be eaten within seconds of me getting home today.

PS - Dessert at Crapsgiving was always the highlight because my aunt would bring those little Haagen-Daaz cups with the wooden spoons.  LOVE the wooden spoons.  Anyway, she stopped coming and this was offered up to us last night:

That's a sick joke.  Organic dairy free frozen dessert.  It's not even classified as an ice cream.  It's just a dessert.  Fuck everything about this.


Took this one driving in for the Nebraska game.  Just a perfect blue sky, great clouds, and amazing view.  I would very much like to go back to Madison sometime soon.

PS - I think I used this picture already but I'm not sure?


One of the most outrageous stories ever told.  And only one person could tell it this way.  Hot Quote:

"You kept making all the stops?"
"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"

To date, still the best blooper reel everHot Quote:

"You sayin'... you want a piece of me?!"

George likes his chicken spicy.  Hot Quote:

"It's the kung pao... George likes his chicken spicy!"

Maybe that was a little redundant.

Finally, the hottest answering machine message everHot Quote:

It's not really a quote, I just love later on when Jerry starts singing it to himself.  And when George does the little shrug duing the 'where could I be?' part.  Great stuff.


I haven't stopped laughing at this.  Amazing what a well placed pair of boots can do to an otherwise normal situation.

PS - This guy approves:


Senior Day.  Division Championship.  The right to earn a spot in Pasadena.  1-0.  Just win, baby.  The Pick:



Thursday, November 17, 2011

Badger Preview: @ Illinois

Couple things I wanna talk about before we get to the chicken tenders and/or Illinois game:

I don't think enough people are blown away with the numbers that the MBS is putting up.  Seriously, look at these numbers:
  • 27 touchdowns (more than 29 TEAMS)
  • He scores a touchdown every 7.37 times he touches the ball
  • 1,242 rushing yards (6.7 yards per carry)
  • 14 receptions for 234 yards (16.7 yards per reception)
  • Stats since taking over 11/6/10: 2,274 yards on 316 touches (7.2 yards/touch), 40 touchdowns... in 15 games.
Oh yeah, he also threw a touchdown, giving him a 640 QB rating.  I believe that is pretty good.  The point is that there's no reason Montee isn't right up there in the Heisman conversation.  Just like there's no reason Black Jesus isn't a top 3 candidate right now.  I understand that you need to win to really be considered, but do voters ever think about how teams lose?  In both losses, Wilson orchestrated last minute comebacks to tie/take the lead, only to watch the defense fuck it all up by allowing hail mary's all up in our face.  I understand the caveat that we wouldn't have been in that position to begin with if Wilson hadn't made some questionable decisions along the way, but the guy is putting up historical numbers for a team that should be going back to Pasadena for a second straight BCS bowl.

And here I am, back to gushing about Wilson when I'm supposed to be singing Montee's praises.  These guys combined may be hurting each other's Heisman chances, but combined they're the most fun backfield to watch in Badger history.  And they both could be gone next year.  Enjoy it while it lasts.

Not only is Minnesota still terrible at football, but they're a bunch of whiny babies as well.  You know how the winning team always chops down the goalposts?  Hell, I even wrote about it as a matchup to watch last week.  Well, apparently some Minnesota players (and maybe some coaches, can't remember) took offense to that and had some words for Wisconsin.  To which I say, grow a pair.  Don't want us chopping down your goalposts?  Win a damn game.  This was supposed to be a rivalry, but I think those require two teams that are of comparable talent levels in addition to hating each other.

This isn't directly related, but I love the Wisconsin football swag.  And I'm not just talking about UW.  The Packers had one of the most blatant Eff You playcalls I've ever seen on Monday night.  After Jared Allen started being a douche like he always is, Rodgers got right back up on the line and went for it on 4th down, converting and leading to more points.  It was GREAT.  Basically saying, 'Hey, you can celebrate all you want, and you might even get a sack or two.  But you can't stop us.  Your hair is ugly.  And I bet you've banged at least 3 of your cousins and one of your sisters.  Also, you're a douche.'*  It's just like Bielema going for 2 last year -- you wanna cry?  Cry about this.

*Loose translation of what Rodgers probably said to Allen.

CHICAGO BADGERS: Got nothing to do?  Why not consider driving a few hours and going to the game?  I can't, because I bring death and losing to road games apparently.  So I'll be watching from the comfort of my own apartment.  Or a bar if I get peer pressured.  Huge love/hate relationship with peer pressure.  It's SUCH a good feeling when you successfully peer pressure someone into doing something.  And you would think getting peer pressured into doing something would feel terrible, but I find that to be almost as pleasing.  Maybe that's just because the only things people get peer pressured into doing are going out, drugs, and... um, maybe that's it.

Just Google image search 'peer pressure.'

Are... are those the same kid?

Bitter beer face just looking at beer.  Rare.

"I can't believe she wouldn't drop acid with us, what a prude!"

Half of the jokes I'm coming up with are disgustingly inappropriate.

SHAMELESS PLUGS: Can I peer pressure you into hitting up my tumblr and reading some Hot Glove and Brent Favre posts?  No?  BUT EVERYBODY'S DOING IT.  LIKE DRUGS.




As long as this guy is coaching, there's simply no way to look at Illinois as a true threat.  Seriously, this actually happened:

After falling behind to the Hoosiers early, the Illini battled back to take a 20-13 lead midway through the second quarter, and Zook, decided he would go for two.
But why?
We were down five, right? Up five, I mean,” Zook said after the game. “It was 20-13? Up seven?
“Maybe I didn’t know what the score was. That’s happened to me before. It’s usually when we’re behind. [This will] give you something to pound us about.”

Are you kidding me?  That's amazing.  This guy needs a 27 year extension IMMEDIATELY.  I fucking love Ron Zook and everything he stands for.  Guy just doesn't give a shit, goes for two when he wants, has no idea what the score is, and apparently has an evil twin brother out there somewhere:

Viva la Zook.


2) Chicken Sandwich - No Mayo Extra Hot Sauce - Jin's Chicken and fish

The glory that is Jin's.

To this very day, I have no idea why Jin's was so fucking good.  It was literally chicken tenders on bun with lettuce and hot sauce.  But it tasted like the fucking rainbow.  I have since determined that these are the leading contributors to its massive appeal:
  • Technically, Jin's was the first food truck.  EVER.
  • $5 a sandwich is such a perfect, round, reasonable number.
  • 1 sandwich was definitely enough to fill you up.
  • Guaranteed to see at least 3 fights and an abortion while you're waiting in line.
  • Added line-waiting perk: VIDEO GAMES.
  • Perfect location
  • VIP option available
  • Oh yeah, unreal chicken tenders
Can't forget that last part: No meal could possibly make my list if it didn't taste amazing, and those tenders are absolutely fantastic.  Would ranch have put this sandwich over the top?  Of course.  But that's not how Cornelius rolls.  Occasionally I dabbled in the Mayo (read: When I was too hammered to order it without mayo), but for me it was always better drenched in hot sauce.  Plus, mayo is unhealthy.

The VIP line was always something that intrigued me.  I usually didn't spring for it because I was poor and liked watching the fights in line*.  But my roommate was a HUGE VIP fan.  On more than one occasion he would come home with something like this:

That's at least 4 sandwiches right there, for no more than 2 people.  $40, easy.  Now that I think about it, the VIP line is the greatest business idea in food truck history.  Two windows: a regular one on the front and a VIP one on the back.  Don't feel like waiting in line?  You pay double and you're outta there in 3 minutes.  All business should adopt this program.  Screw the 'buy 10 get 1 free' cards -- let drunk people pay to jump the line legally. Genius.  Cornelius.  One in the same.

*Not gonna lie, the closest I've ever been to being in a fight has been at Jin's.  I have a serious problem when people just walk to the fronts of lines like they don't give a shit.  I've been known to box out, call out, and do anything else in my power to maintain the integrity of the line.  Well-aware that I can come across as an asshole when I'm yelling things like, 'Yeah, don't mind us.  We don't really want food.  We're just standing here because we have nothing else to do.  No, seriously, GAH 'HEAD.'  Lay that sarcasm on real thick.  And I always know the people behind me in line are secretly praising me for standing up for them.  Getting skipped sucks.  Watching people pull the drunken chat and cut at Jin's at 3 am on a Friday?  UNACCEPTABLE.

Can't believe this list is almost over.  I'm pretty sure I came up with it last week.  I also wish #1 wasn't so blatantly obvious.  BUT MAYBE IT ISN'T.


Illinois Defensive Line vs. Black Jesus

I keep hearing all this talk about how hot U of I's D-Line is.  You know what else is hot?  Shattering the NCAA record for pass efficiency while saving kittens from trees and helping old ladies cross the street.  Because that's just a standard day in the life of Black Jesus.  So yeah, here's what the JS has to say about their ends:
Illinois junior Whitney Mercilus shows no mercy to opposing quarterbacks.
The 6-foot-4, 265-pound defensive end leads the nation in sacks (12 ½) and forced fumbles (seven) and has a team high 17 ½ tackles for loss.
With 6-6, 240-pound junior Michael Buchanan (six sacks, 11 tackles for loss) manning the opposite end, the Illini lead the Big Ten in sacks with 32. 

Whenever you see me quoting a big block of text, it 100% means I'm tired and would rather let someone else do the typing for me.



Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes - Home

Ohhhh, a commercial song.  I bet hipsters absolutely HATE it when a song on their Zune ends up in a commercial.  Way, WAY too mainstream for the tastes of a true hipster.  Also, After hearing this song I was very curious to see what these guys looked like.  I checked out a live version of the song, and I was not disappointed:

What year is this from?  I'd believe anything between 1960 and 2011.  Are these some OH's?  Original Hipsters.  More importantly: What kind of awesome drugs are these people on?  You could get away with so much cool shit back in the day.  Disregard that last sentence if this is from the last 15 years.  I'm not looking it up.

If you gave me $1,000, I still wouldn't take an accordion lesson.  That instrument only belongs in the poor deck of a cruise ship from the 1920's.

PS - I still refuse to believe that the female voice in this song comes from that little short-haired chick.  I also think this is the singer:

Florence + The Machine - What The Water Gave Me

Plus sign in the name of the band, total hipster move.  Does @TotalHipsterMove exist?  I'm DYING to create a novelty twitter account that amasses millions of followers.  I'll start selling ad space like the Lord Voldemort account and can pretty much retire forever.  This plan is ironclad and foolproof.

Death Cab for Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox

Blah blah, the song was in Twilight.  It's still a pretty sweet song, and Death Cab for Cutie is a stupidly hipsterrific band name.


In the driver's seat

So... Penn State is riding bitch?

Too soon?  Yeah, too soon.


The Astros are moving to the AL, and Cicero wisely linked to this video on THG.  I'm mad I didn't think of it first.

This is the fastest I've seen a person bruise up in a long time.  Also, are they hanging out at school?  WTF?

2pac, resurrected.  Thug Passion.


I just really, really love gyros.  And greek lemon chicken.  Why is it so hard to find a good gyro in Chicago?  Please email me suggestions of places to go, preferably in Wrgileyville so I don't have to travel far, because traveling is terrible.  OH!  There's a gyro place opening up on Belmont and I can't WAIT to try it.


This is my view from the Mart.  I know it sucks that the sun sets before 5 now, but the flip side is that I get to see a nice little view like this with the buildings getting lit up by the setting sun.  Maybe I enjoy it more than most, but that's just me.


We gon' do this shit.  Fo' Madden.

Not really sure why that just popped into my head, but it does that quite often.  Anyway, we're not losing to these morons.  Urbana-Champaign don't scare me.  The Pick:



Thursday, November 10, 2011

Badger Preview: @ Minnesota

For a few weeks there, I completely forgot how much fun it can be to watch a Badger football game.  And that's a damn SHAME.  Last I checked, we still have the greatest quarterback in UW history, one of the best running backs, and overall, probably the most powerful offense we've ever seen in Wisconsin.  They're an absolute joy to watch.  Unfortunately, special team gaffes and the worst prevent defense ever completely overshadowed that offense.  But last week felt like coming home from the worst vacation ever.  Winning the conference and going to the Rose Bowl for the second straight year are still attainable goals.  Hell, going 10-2, missing out on the B1G Championship Game and getting an at-large invite to the Sugar Bowl is still possible*.  I guess my point is that, yes, we've been through some terrible, terrible moments.  But the good can still outweigh the bad here.

Keep the faith.


1) Black Jesus
2) Wisconsin fans travel well
3) Lots of national press/love this year

: I'll only offer that Bo Ryan and the UW hoops team begin their quest for glory this Saturday at noon against the MIGHTY Kennesaw State Owls.  The game is not on TV because I'm sure the Big Ten Network is contractually obligated to show Indiana puking on itself for 3 hours instead of Jordan Taylor scoring 40 points while simultaneously seducing every woman in Dane County.

PS - Just a matter of time until they rename it 'Dayne County,'  Right?  Right.

PPS - It bothers me that !'s and ?'s follow logic when determining if they go inside/outside quotes, but commas and periods always go inside.  The grammar whore in me hates everything about that.  Why are commas and periods so fucking cool that they get to play by their own rules?






Hmm.  I'll give it my best shot:
  • Whenever someone in Chicago complains about how cold it is, you can always respond, 'Hey, at least we don't live in Minnesota.'
  • WITHOUT QUESTION, it is my favorite state that shares a border with Wisconsin that isn't named Illinois or Iowa.
  • That means I like Minnesota more than Michigan.*
  • Which is pretty much like saying I like waking up early more than I like the Taliban.
  • Having attended a Gopher game in the Dome, I can safely report that yes, they do in fact know how to spell the name of their state.  Impressive.
  • Maybe it's just me, but I find maroon and gold to be quite dashing.**

*I'm quitting my job and leading a movement for Wisconsin to take over the UP once and for all.  Why the fuck does Michigan get to have it?  Blow up the Mackinac Bridge and they'd have to rely on their navy to try and defend the UP.  Just think, Wisco people: we could have Watersmeet all to ourselves!  GOOOOOOOO NIMRODS!

**By 'dashing', I mean they look like various bodily fluids mashed together.

PS - Never really used the '' bit before, feels very Clueless-esque.  Kinda digging it.

PPS - Still in love:

Seriously though, she'd be perfect if she just bought one of these:


3) TIE - Rathskeller Chicken Tender Basket and Kohl Center Chicken Tender Basket

Let's be honest, you can probably guess the top 2 on my list (OR CAN YOU?).  But I highly doubt many of you expected to see either one of these show up, let alone both of them.  What can I say?  I freaking love chicken tenders.  That's been discussed multiple times here and elsewhere.  So if you think about it, having these two up towards the top of my countdown makes perfect sense.

The Rathskeller was one of my go-to in between class lunch spots.  Since I was an idiota and took Spanish every semester, I made many a journeys up/down the hill.  And since I lived on Langdon 4/5 years, the Union was directly between my apartment and class.  THEREFORE, I ate there rather frequently.  Typically I would try and stay somewhat healthy and just get a wrap, but if I was coming back from a test or just needed something GOOD on a Friday when I really should have been hungover in bed, I went with my go-to non-special event chicken tender basket.  Allow me to explain what sets this tender basket apart from all of its competitors:
  • Massive pieces of chicken.  And not massive in the 'I think they just added bones and tumors to make these look bigger' sense.  My eyes always grew wide when I watched them drive a forklift in to lift these gargantuan tenders into the basket.
  • Fantastic ranch.  Again, my love for ranch is virtually unconditional, and eating chicken tenders sans ranch is something I will rarely do.  PROTIP: The ranch comes from the salad bar, which means you can load it up yourself.  YES, I NEED ALL 5 OF THESE BUCKETS.  STOP JUDGING.
  • Homemade buffalo sauce available upon request.  Most people would probably equate the Rathskeller with cafeteria food.  Bullshit.  No cafeteria I ever heard of makes their own buffalo sauce -- a sauce that happens to be quite delicious.  Could it be a little spicier?  Sure.  But I tend to think that I'm in the minority when it comes to how much heat I like in my food/condiments.
  • Pretty sure you could get your basket for under $6.  That makes this meal affordable on a broke-ass college student's budget.  CLUTCH.
  • Best of all: PAY WITH YOUR WISCARD.  Oh, how I miss the days of paying with my student ID.  Spoiled Child Alert: My parents would throw money on there for me to use for various things.  As a student, I always viewed anything on my Wiscard as FREE MONEY.  All the more reason for me to saunter my way over to the Union for some chicken tender basket action.
NOTE: As of 6 pm Wednesday, I have not heard back from the Rathskeller manager regarding my request for a picture of a Rathskeller tender basket.

UPDATE: Just got this:

Well I'll be damned.  Got the whole marketing department firing away on this!  It's clear now that I fudged up and shoulda gone into marketing, where you get painstakingly difficult assignments like taking a picture of chicken tenders.  I'm starting to think that maybe I shoulda just had my sister walk a block to the Union and take a pic for me.  But this is much more fun.

And then there's the infamous Kohl Center Chicken Tender Basket (KCCTB).  Having read my ramblings for some time now, you should know that I RARELY abbreviate a food item.  Obviously there's the TBCGC... but you can now add the KCCTB to that list as well.  I'll be the first to admit that the KCCTB has a HUGE advantage over every other meal in Madison: it is directly associated with UW hoops (and to a lesser extent, hockey).  Maybe it's a little Pavlovian thing, where I'm just conditioned to want a KCCTB the second I walk into the Kohl Center.  Who knows.  But I find myself missing this meal about as much as any other one on my list.

  • Concession stand outside section 115: WE ACCEPT WISCARDS.  Boom.
  • As far as stadium concessions go, this is a serious amount of food.  Clearly when you buy food at a game, you're not expecting a full meal.  A hot dog here, one of those stupid mini-pizzas there.  OHHH DIPPIN' DOTS!  That's not the case with the KCCTB, as it will certainly fill you up.
  • They pretty much do give you a bucket of ranch.  That container is enormous, which is something I respect because they recognize that you can't conveniently go up for a second helping of ranch.  And big chicken tenders + little ranch cups = no bueno.
  • Surprisingly good fries.  You know what else?  Few things are better than getting a stray onion ring in your order of fries at a restaurant.  But with the KCCTB, you can get stray CHEESE CURDS thrown in the mix.  I like to pretend that the chess team running the stand did that on purpose, just to make my night that much better.  More realistically, Ned The Deep Fryer was shoveling curds into his mouth while making my basket, missed, watched it drop in the basket, and just said, 'fuck it.'  Love you, Ned.
  • The Kohl Center is a GREAT place to go after gettin' a little weird.  A ginormous tender basket is EXACTLY what munchies are all about.

Few things made me happier than watching UW beat Michigan State for the 500th time in a row while gnarring a KCCTB.

: I love chicken tender baskets, and these were my two favorites in Madison.  Also, ranch.


You're telling me he's worked for the UW Athletic Department for more than 7 minutes and he's NEVER tried a KCCTB?  I'm not even mad.  That's just sad.


4) Melting Pot and App Sampler - Dotty Dumpling's Dowry
5) Cripple Creek NO FUCKING TOMATO - Silver Mine Subs
6) Plaza Burger and Cheddar Munchers - The Plaza
7) Sweet & Sour Chicken (SAUCE ON THE SIDE) - Asian Kitchen
8) Buffalo Bites - The City
9) Wings - Quaker Steak & Lube
10) Qdoba Queso Burrito/Henry
12) Pizza di Roma Chicken Parm & Pepperoni/Sausage Pizza



UW Players Holding The Axe vs. TCF Bank Stadium Goalposts

It is pure, 100% scientific fact that the axe is the coolest trophy in college football.  I mean, come on: it's a giant fucking axe.  Unless you're anti-things made out of wood, you should LOVE and RESPECT the axe.  Kinda ironic that this axe is made out of wood, though, no?  But like Dwight making a knife, it just works.

As is tradition in the UW/Minny rivalry, the winning team will run and grab the axe, and if they're on the road, they'll go to the goalposts and chop 'em down.  Kinda a big FU to the team that just lost.  This year, I'm fully expecting Borland to be the main chopper, and since he's elite at everything he does, I think he might actually be the first person in the history of the rivalry to chop down metal goalposts with a wooden axe.

Montee Ball vs. The Pursuit Of Record Breaking

Here's a question: If Montee Ball got all the carries, what kind of numbers would he put up?  If James White wasn't around, and we didn't bench the starters in the 4th quarters of blowouts, would he have 200 touchdowns this season?  I think so.  And UW would have TWO legit Heisman candidates in the same backfield.  Not sure the last time this happened, but I'm guessing it was some Leinart/Bush combo.  BUT WAIT, they cheated and those days don't count or something.  So I'm officially declaring Black Jesus/MBS as the most powerful and dangerous backfield combo in recent NCAA history.  I'm also officially declaring that I LOVE hyperbole more than anything else in the entire fucking universe.


Birdman - My Territory

Birdman, in his prime, was probably the greatest rapper we've ever seen.  Just hot beats and face-melting rhymes.

PS -

Truth.  He does drop quite a few n-bombs.

Simple Plan - I'm Just A Kid

Don't judge.

Our Lady Peace - Is Anybody Home?

Canada's three greatest contributions to the world:

1) Brian Boitano
2) Our Lady Peace
3) Making Detroit look even worse, which I thought was impossible.

NOTE: Not entirely sure if Brian Boitano and/or Our Lady Peace are Canadian, but at the same time they're not really doing anything to make themselves seem less Canadian.


You can lock this up

Li-tra-ly no way we lose

Did I just jinx us?


12 years old, writing symphonies, being compared to Mozart, making me hate him out of nothing but pure jealousy.  Incredibly impressive stuff, but at the same time, not too shocking once you see him walking around with his roller backpack while air-conducting.

PS - Not to steal your thunder, Mozart Jr., but you're still not in Greyson's league.  Chicks dig the rockstar covering Lady Gaga, not the kid dressing as Ludwig van Beethoven for Halloween.  Sucks.

PPS - Do girls our age realize that them having a crush on Bieber is the same thing as me crushing on the girls in the background of that Greyson video?  Are you aware of how messed up that is?  Pump the brakes next time you start fawning over a 12 year old.


Hands down, the best burger spot in Chicago, if not the universe.  I believe what we're looking at here is the Original Kuma Burger, which is a monster burger with cheddar, bacon and a fried egg, all gently placed in a pretzel roll.  Obviously, I added frizzled onions to the mix, because frizzled onions are the only item known to man to improve upon frizzling.  ALSO PICTURED: Waffle fries.  FO' FREE.

I haven't been in way too long, but last I heard they changed from waffle fries to fresh cut fries.  Haven't really decided if that's a step forward, sideways or backwards.  They do get minus 1 million points for not having ranch, but they kinda make up for it with a spicy giardiniera mayo.  Nobody's perfect.


Back to the Bwa for what is probably my finest sunset picture.  Zero modifications done to the pic, just quickly snapped with an iPhone.  I love this stuff.


  • One of my biggest fears is falling down an escalator.  For hours.
  • I spend way too much time studying the order in which names are listed in a group email.  I put so much faith in it that I add people in alphabetical order when I'm sending an email to more than 5 people.  I can't have people knowing who I like and who I just pretend to like.  That's crazy.  But I have thought about doing it in order of least favorite --> favorite people, just to kinda throw everyone off their game.  So keep in mind, if you send out an email to 20-30 people and it's not alphabetical, you're basically listing off your tiers of friends from best to worst.  I fucking love email.
  • I work the Friday AND Saturday after Thanksgiving.  Isn't that a violation of some kind of law?  Should I contact the AFL-CIO?  My biggest regret in life is not taking up a profession that lets you join a union.  I imagine unions throw the best ragers, get all sorts of sick union gear, and every once in a while when people are shitting on them, they get a big inflatable rat and don't work for a few days while just yelling and making clever signs.  What about that is not right up my alley?  It's like College Gameday, every day, and at the end they give you more money.  Plus, they have numbered names like regiments in the army.  Always thought that was badass.  "Yeah, I'm a member of Local 597 - that's the Pipe Fitter's Union to you, pretty boy."
  • No, seriously, it is.  For some reason, the first union I thought of was the Pipe Fitter's Union, which just brings a smile to my face for no explicable reason.  LOCAL 597 FOR LIFE.


This is simultaneously my new favorite and least favorite website in the world: This Is Why I'm Broke.  I had no CLUE how many things existed that I didn't know about but absolutely NEED.


Arcade Button Light Switches

My room would look like a strobe light -- I would NEVER stop pushing these buttons.  Arcade buttons are some of the most classic and awesome buttons around.

Snuggle Pillow

Hands down (get it?) the creepiest pillow in the history of pillows.  Also, I've heard OkCupid profiles are a lot cheaper.

Skull Beer Pitcher

Fucking badass.

Transparent Pool Table

Just one step up from the trans-parent cube!

Baby Yoda Beanie


RUNNER UP: Bear Claw Forks

Still not sure what they do or how they do it, I just know that I need them.


Without question the most amazing device on the entire site.  Can you even imagine all the things you could do with hand shovels?  Can you?  Plus, shovel hands are a thousand times cooler than man hands.

PS - I saw this:

And immediately booked it to Amazon to buy it.  Then I read the reviews and saw that the Nerf N-Strike Longstrike CS-6 Dart Blaster is actually superior, has detachable silencers, and in general is just really fucking cool:

Best $30 I've spent this week.


WARNING: No jokes, animated GIF's, or Paint drawings here.  Real talk only.

Really struggling to find a way to organize my thoughts.  There are just so many egregious stories, details and facts involved here that my mind is racing. And then, right when you think things can't POSSIBLY get any worse, we hear today that Sandusky may have used his charitable foundation to whore boys out to rich Penn State donors.  Just, ugh.  I have so many questions:
  • How does anyone involved in this look themselves in the mirror and go on with their day?
  • How does someone see a boy getting raped and not call the police?
  • Take that one step further: How does someone see a boy getting raped and not step in and stop it?  Was McQueary not aware that every second he spent thinking about what to do, that 10 year old boy was still getting raped?
  • How does Joe Paterno, possibly the most legendary coach in collegiate history, icon of the school, one of the most powerful and influential men in the entire state, and father figure to thousands of young men that have passed through State College, just pass the info along to his bosses instead of calling the police?
  • Fine, I'll play along with the blatant lie that McQueary didn't tell Paterno exactly what was going on in that shower: Does it matter what was going on in that shower?  You have a naked 59 year old man showering with a 10 year old boy, alone, at night, in the Penn State football complex.  Name me one possible good thing that could be going on there.  I've seen some obvious red flags before, but this is mind-blowingly obvious.
  • When did the Board of Trustees actually find out about all of this?
  • What really happened to the District Attorney that was handling the original investigation of Sandusky?
But most importantly: How many lives could have been forever saved had the leaders hired, elected, appointed and trusted simply done what was right and involved the police?  You still wanna defend any of them?  Go read the Grand Jury's finding of facts.  Can you stomach the 23 pages of horrific details?  Because it's not an easy read.  Try and convince one of Sandusky's victims that Paterno did what he was supposed to do.

Am I harping on Paterno unfairly?  I don't think so.  I've heard people ask, 'Why is all the focus on Paterno/Spanier/Schultz/etc?  Shouldn't we be channeling that anger towards Sandusky?'  I understand why that question has to be asked, but there's no opposing viewpoint on Sandusky.  There's nothing to argue.  The man not only raped children, but he established a prominent charitable organization that, on the surface, was made to help boys going through rough times.  Now it's clear that the entire foundation was a farce and existed solely to facilitate the sexual assaults and rape carried out by Sandusky (and allegedly some Penn State donors).  Let that sink in, because it was probably the most awful sentence I've ever had to type.

Finally, I'd like to take a minute to point out the absurdity of the statement released by Paterno before he was fired, no doubt penned by the crisis management PR firm he hired:


There would be a lot less grieving on your end had you stepped in 10 years ago and put an end to all of those 'developments.'

As I said, he paid good money for a crisis management PR firm to help him through this.  And THIS is something they actually thought would work?  Telling the Board of Trustees, 'Hey, don't worry about me, I'll get out of your way.  You guys just worry about everyone else.  I'm good!  Thanks!'  I still can't believe this was a part of his statement.

We all wish you had done more.

At this point, there was really only one thing you could have done:


A football game seems rather trivial after all that Penn State talk, but this is a Badger Preview.  And if you couldn't figure it out from the rest of this preview, I think it's pretty clear that we're gonna roll Minny on Saturday.  Their defense is horrendous, giving up roughly 35 yards per carry.  Their offense is nothing worth talking about.  And if there's one thing all Badger fans can agree on right now, it's that we love beating up on terrible teams.  Gopher fans will be fleeing for the exits before the 4th quarter.  The Pick: