Monday 5 December 2011 by Gary Stanton

Beijing Zoo to breed Glaswegian couple in panda exchange deal

Scottish couple swapped for Pandas

Beijing zoo has accepted a pair of sexually active Glaswegians in an exchange deal for two pandas, according to reports.

Jimmy and Shirley McDonald, both 34, arrived on a Ryan Air flight yesterday morning and were given a bagpipe greeting before being locked up in separate cages with some drugs and a Krankies ‘Best Of’ DVD.

Mr McDonald, a spot-welder by trade, has already been dubbed Chang Chang by zoo authorities which translates as ‘don’t stare at directly’, while wife Shirley is Xiaow Xiaow meaning ‘stay the fuck away from’.

Capt Paul Cassel, the chief Ryan Air pilot, said the pair were among the most boisterous cargo he had flown and were ‘not unlike humans in first class, who sit back, eat, drink and enjoy the ride, but mainly drink’

The separate cages are designed to mimic behaviour in the wild where the male is rarely present and to prevent the pair fighting which has happened with previous attempts to mate Glaswegians in captivity.

A small hatch between the cages opens for a few minutes every hour to allow the pair to have rough sex with expletives like in any Irvine Welsh novel.

Glaswegians to breed

Mr McDonald appeared subdued after the 10-hour flight to Beijing and told reporters he was ‘looking forward to a pish’ and ‘a chinkie’.

The McDonald’s annual food bill is estimated at £500, and although their diet consists mostly of deep fried Mars Bars, they will also eat rats, mice and chips.

The zoo will also have to pay around £50,000 a year in housing benefit to the couple, who are expected to boost visitor numbers by 70 per cent.

Their keepers hope they will not only find the cold climate to their liking, but will become the first Celts to breed in China, since a pair of Partick Thistle fans were arrested in a public toilet off Tianamen Square in 1991.

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