The Eighth Page

The Legend of the Lone Lawner

“I saw the Lawner,” posted Ryan McStudent ’18 on his Facebook page from Isham Health Center, where he was recovering from his encounter with the rarely-seen figure. The Lawner was rumored to have haunted Andover from the time of George Washington’s arrival in 1778 until George W. Bush’s departure in 1964, but recent sightings have suggested a return.

When pressed for details, McStudent deliberated, saying, “The Lawner… How do I begin to explain the Lawner? The Lawner is flawless. I hear his hair’s insured for $10,000.”
POPS found McStudent facedown on the lawn at three in the morning and, after being reprimanded, was admitted to Isham for third-degree burns. He was promptly instructed to lie down on a cot and was given an Advil, a mug of Wild Sweet Orange and toast.

“Our best guess is that McStudent fell asleep on the lawn and got sunburnt,” said a medical official. McStudent continues to believe that as soon as he made eye contact with the Lawner, fiery laser-y beams shot out of his eyes and scorched him. The official, who has never seen or heard of the Lawner, added, ““I hear he does car commercials… in Japan.”
“It’s hard to see the Lawner,” said a recent alumnus, “because he hides behind the Armillery Sphere. His favorite movie is ‘Varsity Blues.’ One time he met John Stamos on a plane, and he told him he was pretty.” This alumnus, who wishes not to be named, devoted his entire Andover career to tracking the Lone Lawner.

He says that the Lawner dresses in modest, well-fitting designer clothing and has an impressive array of pastel color shorts. “I thought maybe there was a code: lavender is one, lime is two, salmon is three and so on, but I couldn’t figure it out.”

Samuel Morse, Class of 1832, is the only student to have ever deciphered the Lawner’s code. Rumor has it that the Lawner placed a terrible curse upon him, dooming him to a lifetime of mathematics.

It is said that the Lawner sits for hours at a time on the lawn, glancing up occasionally at the sky. He has no backpack, no BlueCard, no identification whatsoever. POPS has unsuccessfully tried to remove him forcibly from campus various times. One POPS officer reported, “One time he punched me in the face… It was awesome.”

“Has it occurred to anyone that he could just be a normal guy? There are a ton of whacko seniors who wear Vineyard Vines and don’t have any classes and lie in the sun all day. This whole rumor is stupid and improbable. He’s not ageless, people. There’s a new intense Lawner every year – not some mythical creature!” said Karissa Kang ’17.

She was promptly escorted back to Abbot, where she belongs.