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Coffee&Calories - Monday May 03, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 124.4

I'll be honest, I'm feeling super depressed today. I was really feeling like I had this weight thing under control. I wasn't bingeing the last few days and as a result I felt so positive. But this morning it looks like I might have put on yet another pound, my scale was acting kind of wonky but after I recalibrated it it went up to 124.4. I've just never weighed this much since my early 20s. Sigh. I know, it's not the end of the world, but it just takes over your mind. I also recognize I'm not being very realistic. Eating horribly last week and then a couple of normal calorie days is of course not going to make my weight go down. And obviously as soon as I started trying to figure out how I will diet today in a lower calorie way, immediately makes me want to start snacking and over eating.

sorry for the downer attitude and lack of comments to everyone. I just need to get my s@&t straightened out here, cuz I'm totally feeling like I'll never get this under control. 

bearcountrygg on 05/03/2021:
I know it is never fun to see the scale go up....but there are normal fluctuations with the scale that happen to all of us.....you mentioned drinking pop yesterday...it is usually full of sodium...so you may just be retaining water......

Coffee&Calories on 05/04/2021:
Yes you are right. I can usually distance myself from emotionally reacting to the fluctuations, but seeing the all time high weight really threw me for a loop!

Donkey on 05/03/2021:
I'm sorry... That does suck. I think that if you have a few weeks of normal calorie days, your body will adjust and you may drop pounds again. Yes, I said WEEKS. I think what I'm trying to say is that you may need to reset yourself by eating normally for a few weeks, even if it means you gain 2-3 pounds, in order to start losing again.

Don't give up! I'm very optimistic that you're on the right track, even if the stupid scale doesn't reflect that right now. There's more to you and your happiness than a number.

Coffee&Calories on 05/04/2021:
Bang on with that thought. WEEKS is right. I think I’m on the right track too! Thank you for your encouragement

horn_of_plenty on 05/05/2021:
it doesn't take just one day for the scale to reflect your progress, hence the others' comments above....you will need to stick with this....you will need to throw away your past practice of some days good followed by some bad and replace with more good.

happy-1 on 05/12/2021:
Hugs, checking in. How are you doing?

Coffee&Calories - Sunday May 02, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 123.4

Breakfast: avocado wrap 80 bacon 80 egg 80 Pb 40 banana 50 pancake 70=400

Lunch: cabbage/ground Turkey/rice/cheese 300 pizza 200 cake pop 100 with black coffe approx 600

Snack: (stress eating really): Pb crackers 300

appetizer: margarita 50 smoked salmon /crackers 150 

Dinner: perogie 100 ham 100 sweet potato fries 200 broccoli, cauli, carrots steamed 60 (had to estimate) 460

dessert: cake pop and ice cream, black decaf 250

Total 2160

i had 4 diet pops today too. I know most ppl think they're gross but I love them lol. I usually don't have so many but I bought a few cases of different ones like Fresca, cherry coke, caffeine free, sprite and had them all readily available in the fridge. 

Donkey on 05/02/2021:
So far, so good -- a nice taste of everything, both salty and sweet :-)

Jacky82020 on 05/02/2021:
Sounds good to me!

bearcountrygg on 05/02/2021:
Good start to the day!

coffee&calories on 05/02/2021:
Thanks bear :)

Horn_of_plenty on 05/02/2021:
I am VERY behind on your entries...will be circling back to comment here for all the ones i missed...I'll leave another comment here for your Friday & Saturday entries later or tomorrow :)

coffee&calories on 05/02/2021:
Aww no worries you are super busy! Same here actually I’ve been waiting for an opportunity for some quiet time to focus on other peoples entries too :))

Jacky82020 on 05/02/2021:
You need to get your graphs up! I find them useful & cool looking

coffee&calories on 05/02/2021:
Yes! Maybe once I’m consistent they’ll appear!

Donkey on 05/02/2021:
It may be stress eating but you're still doing really well. Stay steady!

coffee&calories on 05/02/2021:
Thank you!!!

Jacky82020 on 05/02/2021:
I think you have to enter a goal weight to activate the graphs. You can always change the goal. You should have at least 2 bars and that speedometer looking graph displayed

horn_of_plenty on 05/03/2021:
Wanted to pop in, comment also in the same as Donkey to you, saying your menu is balanced and good....and that overall it's a good day for you! there's balance! i love your idea of the smoked salmon on crackers!!!! i may have to do it - i usually just have it on a roll or wrap...your idea sounds tempting.

horn_of_plenty on 05/03/2021:
Great eats again on Friday; and i really liked what you said about doing things in the "here and now" in what works; and not what worked in the past.

horn_of_plenty on 05/03/2021:
you've done very well the past few days overall. i'm all up on the pancakes lately, too.

a friend is going to give me two boxes of pancake mix....can't wait to use them.

i find pancakes to be rather filling if eaten with coffee and a side of something else too. one serving pancake in the batter i was using was 120 cals, i felt i needed a little more. any leftover i'd have as a snack, LOL, before lunch. i used to find them high cal, pancakes, but now i see they can be worked in. plus, i have this pot that is entirely non-stick....i do not use any butter or anything, the pancake cooks perfectly just by itself and doesn't stick to the pan at all. i use nothing besides the pancake mix. amazing!

Coffee&Calories - Saturday May 01, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 123.4

Thank you all for your understanding and advice in the comments! I have tried just about everything in terms of mind tricks to keep my calorie counts under control, be it keeping to a limit, high limits, low limits, meals only, varying amounts per meal, eating whatever I want, desserts after the three meals, waiting to eat until noon, and on and on. It might have worked for a day or two, but now I'm fully surrendering to a very slow process and believing that if I get my overeating/WTH effect eating under control, my weight will Likely take care of itself. Most of how I've been feeling is definitely pandemic related, as I'm really very happy with my life and consider myself to be so blessed. But we are in a pretty severe lockdown with nowhere to go and nothing to do, so I've been going a little crazy.   However it's amazing how just getting my eating under control makes everything else infinitely better.

The husband let me sleep in which I never do bc I'm a morning person and usually jump up at the first bit of alertness I feel, like even 430-5am at times. I did wake up around then but read for a bit as did he, we went back to sleep. I woke up bc I could smell coffee sitting next to me. I never really have such leisurely mornings so hopefully this is a sign of a good day.

breakfast - I made pancakes and coffee approx 400 

Lunch - cabbage beef 125 rice 60 cheese 50 apple 100 pizza 300 cake pop 50=685

Total so far 1085

 Few raw veg/crystal light - negligible 

appetizers of smoked salmon/little cream cheese/triscuits 100 vodka martini/olives 70 cooked veg 25=195

dinner tacos 400 bite lamb 30 naan 250 =680

candy 35 cake 45=80

Total 2040 that's fine ITS NOT A BINGE! :) 

bearcountrygg on 05/01/2021:
Happy that you are starting out the day well. The pandemic has changed us all and I agree....having small children with so few places to take them out to has to be frustrating......It was great that hubby let you sleep longer today and that he brought you coffee...he sounds like a keeper. Have a great day.....you have a good start already!

coffee&calories on 05/01/2021:
:-D Thank you! At least we’re getting outside today bike riding and trail walking etc. I’ll go to the food store for a big outing lol

bearcountrygg on 05/01/2021:
You mentioned that having a young house guest was not particularly comfortable for you...and it reminded me of a situation where we also had a young girl and her Mom over for dinner (friends)......and over the next couple of weeks...it sifted back to me that they were quite verbal about the fact that we did not have a butter knife on the butter dish.....apparently grossed them out!!!! Now there is a bit of a back story here........that friend and her daughter are hoarders......They were living a horrible life....in a house with just a path through it to walk to the bathroom, the girls room could no longer be used because boxes tipped over behind the door and they couldn't open it.....the roof leaked over their kitchen table and in the rain the girl was saying that she got a umbrella out to eat her meal......their lives were so difficult.....I am here to say that they are still friends.....on Face Book and in real life.......BUT......apparently their only complaint about dinner at our house was that we didn't have a butter knife on the butter dish....and I took that as a compliment.....LOL.........

coffee&calories on 05/01/2021:
Omg what a story! But so sad, my goodness. People have some real difficulties they have to live through. Makes me feel bad when many of us live considerably great lives and complain about minor stuff. But true about that being a compliment LOL

Donkey on 05/01/2021:
I did not realize that you are living in an area with tightened COVID restrictions. That is a HUGE factor. It was very difficult when we had heavy restrictions here (and personally, I know I had it easier than others, but it was still difficult). My heart goes out to you.

coffee&calories on 05/01/2021:
Thank you donkey! Yes unfortunately the Toronto area is doing bad with covid. Everything is closed except essentials, so can’t even browse around Walmart as they literally taped off non-food sections! Kids are all virtual learning everywhere. The good part is me and my immediate family (husband, mom, sister, bro in law are all vaccinated first shot!). I’m glad to hear you are not dealing with such heavy restrictions!! XO

Donkey on 05/01/2021:
Nope, not a binge by any stretch. A nice breakfast and a cocktail hour before dinner. Lovely!

This is normal eating. If you had not had the cocktail, you would have been under 2000 calories, and since it was vodka, there's no carbs (or it's low carbs, I forget, but I do remember that it's keto approved).

Great job!!!

Coffee&Calories - Friday Apr 30, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 123.8

Again, I wasn't going to journal here today because I'm just in a foul mood, feeling confused, angry, lost...then I noticed I had comments on yesterday's entry. You lifted my spirits and invigorated me to try, try again and just keep plugging away. THANK YOU!!!

I woke up wondering what "plan" I will do, THE plan that will finally work etc etc. 
I already could feel my anxiety rising with food, getting short with the kids.  I don't want to be like this! After reading your comments, I realized no more of this. NO MORE. If I'm putting on way right now, I should just be focussing on getting my eating under control and not even worrying about losing weight right now. But it seems after I do reasonably well for one day, the next day Immediately want to start a lower calorie diet. I think I need to fight that urge because it always back fires.

I will take HOP's  advice and start to eat frequently, in a planned way. I think I will also try Bears reward with some kind of dessert at night. I mean my husband does this all the time, of course he doesn't struggle with his weight and always works out. He's the three meal a day kind of guy and has always been slim and muscular. At some point in time I was successful doing it that way, but I guess I need to live in the here and now, not what used to work. I think I was most happiest with both my weight and my eating when I combined intuitive eating and calorie counting, meaning I ate when I was hungry and just kept track of the calories.

I'm already feeling better and more hopeful. I really need to focus on this. No diet, and also no overeating. I need to get to a middle ground. A place where I eat normally. Maybe I should not weigh myself because when I don't see progress I tend to want to diet and it backfires badly.

I really need to get this under control because I can see that my setpoint is changing. This morning I weighed in close to 125 pounds. I have not weighed this, oh my goodness, well over 10 years.

Maybe I'll try to keep track of my food here today. That little bit of external pressure and conscious knowledge that I need to write it down here might help me from just picking at food without really knowing what I'm eating. 

6am: black coffee

*had a bit more coffee not much and few sips tea 

8:30am: one hard boiled egg - 80

11am: cabbage with vegan "ground beef" and also real ground Turkey - 175

2pm: couple baby carrots, 1/2 yogurt drink, can tuna - 120

2:30: taco/some cheese - 200

3:30: Chcolate 125 

total so far=700

6pm: pizza (600) chicken (200) rice (200) martini (40) wine (25) lemonade (50) =1115

Total: 1815

few candies, maybe around 1900- I'll take it, Better than binging  

Higher than I was expecting but dinner I started to eat without thinking. my daughter has a friend over and that always makes a little anxious/can't relax, and I start to overeat. But can't complain a much better day than normal.  


happy-1 on 04/30/2021:
Do you have a fitness tracker that tracks sleep quality?

I could have written this.

coffee&calories on 04/30/2021:
I do have one! Except my Garmin just died a few days ago and I haven’t figured out how to fix it. I might just get a Fitbit :)

bearcountrygg on 04/30/2021:
Great start to the day...I also love intuitive eating...I still do that. You will find a niche that is easy for you......Enjoy some evening dessert with hubby! Being a MOM is HARD!!!!

coffee&calories on 04/30/2021:
Thank you Bear <3

Jacky82020 on 04/30/2021:
You can do it! You’re doing all the right things. Especially nipping weight gain in the bud.

bearcountrygg on 05/01/2021:
Great that you ended your day with less calories than usual.......finding your new normal........good job!!!!

Donkey on 05/01/2021:
As a former binger, I can say that it's definitely better to eat a little more during the day, than to restrict during the day, only to go off the deep end. There's something so eroding to the self-esteem that a binge can bring.

I LOVE the idea of eating every 2 hours. Looked like you did that for a little bit, but then life got in the way. That's OK - that happens.

Also, I completely understand the anxiety with a houseguest. I really get this. (((hugs)))

Coffee&Calories - Thursday Apr 29, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 122.2

I wasn't gonna bother writing today because I have nothing positive to say, I can't do good for more than one day, it's just embarrassing. I feel like absolute crap. Sigh. It's so hard being home with nothing to do. I can't pass the time working out, watching tv, cleaning or organizing because I'm alone with 3 small kids who constantly need me. So I'm hanging around the kitchen where they're working/playing and I EAT.  I somehow decided I'm sick of not weighing what I want and thought I'd go back to 3 meals while calorie counting to 1200. Well if that didn't send me off on a binge. All day. Don't know the count at all. I'm exhausted, desperate, frustrated. I love reading how Bear is doing her dessert at night as a reward, and I'm thinking yes exactly it sounds SO amazing!!! But I never make it that far to get to a reward. I "reward" myself all day SMH. When I do well, it makes the days so much happier and easier to get through. I look forward to my meals. I feel amazingly accomplished if I don't overeat. So why do I do this? The other night I looked at the wine and thought, man, that would taste good right now and be so relaxing. But immediately realized it won't feel good in 5 minutes when someone needs me, or I have to intervene a little spat between them, then that relaxed feeling will turn on me and it'll be harder to get up and deal with real life stuff. Why is it so easy for me to moderate and behave appropriately/make good decisions with literally everything other than eating?

bearcountrygg on 04/29/2021:
I know the feeling well. I'm an expert now of switching plans and then changing them again midday. When you find the right way for you it will click and you will be happy to do it....it will be easy. Keep searching for your "right for you, way".....you will find it.

coffee&calories on 04/29/2021:
Yes Bear you are right. I’ll keep trying everyday.

bearcountrygg on 04/29/2021:
Switch things up....do something very different........you will probably find a good routine that you will enjoy.

horn_of_plenty on 04/30/2021:
Regarding your below entry and constant picking and you wanting to snack, try a few days where you plan in to eat every 2 hours (short time frame, that you can EASILY stick with)...even if it's a tea with milk at the two hour mark. try to eat at extra short time intervals, so you do not feel deprived. i'm not saying eat MORE, i'm saying eat in a shorter time frame...or just drink...hot tea herbal, but having something with it (with minimal calories) will make you feel better - ex is one 50cal chocolate or two. you have to train your mind to know you will NOT deprive it anymore...

my advice to you is that your mind is not with you 100% yet (as was my situation). you have to each yourself how to feel satisfied instead of deprived. you are still playing a mind game with yourself...you will need to make your satiety satisfied thru working on your meal plan...

horn_of_plenty on 04/30/2021:
when you write "i can't do good for more than i day..." this is NOT true. you CAN...you just haven't done it just yet. you can change this, i promise you that.

i understand your feeling that is hard being home all day, that used to be a major downfall for me...

do you have exercise equip (a bike or treadmill in your house? - this would help you GREATLY)

like Bear said, you will have to try something different. you do not seem to be the 3 meal a day happy type...netiher am i...not everyone can make it those long hours between meals, it's a set up to binge...you get too hungry

Eating is a necessity so we do have to learn...

I was so happy to see Kelly Osborne on tv...lost a lot of weight, but does look healthy...and also went to rehab again after alcohol became a problem again.

everyone has to face things and fix things...you aren't alone!

Donkey on 04/30/2021:
Whoa, you got some really good tips and insights above. I may use some of this for myself, actually! I like the 2-hour approach on certain days. I like the idea of switching things up too.

I really feel for your situation. I was an unhappy stay-at-home mom with 2 little ones 2 years apart, no family support, and a husband who was away a lot of the time. It is easy to become overwhelmed when so much of yourself is focused on others.

I guess my only suggestion with respect to that is to try to carve out a small amount of time -- 10 minutes? 20 minutes? -- for yourself. It might be at night. It might be early in the morning.

Coffee&Calories - Wednesday Apr 28, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 122.2

Hello Diet Friends!

I am trying to take the advice you've given as well as looking at things that work you to help myself along. I can't treat myself like I am incapable of this. I want to snack so badly this morning, but I told myself it will lead to nowhere good, I've had enough and need to wait. There is of course nothing wrong with a snack, but what I am referring to is the constant picking at stuff, not planned/sat down to eat. The kind where I end up at 800 before lunch.

I might try to not use My Fitness Pal. I've grown to like it, but back in the day when I was 112 consistently I didn't use it. More like Jacky, I just kept a tally in my head or used an app called Carrot which was just a really fast way to record, if you're already familiar with calorie counts. Like talking 2 seconds to jot it down and it keeps the tally for you. 

I tend to do better if I wait to eat until a bit later in the morning, but I made low cal french toast right at 8am. Then got stressed hustling kids here and there, on their computers etc and downed a banana with lil pb. Then i snacked on a few bites of a clif bar. Damage is about 300 right now. I will wait until lunch now! Only 2 hours away. I can do this. Made some kombucha for effectively 0 calories. Sometimes I think I just need that "oral fix" so to speak. Something to do with my hands, something toput in my mouth.

bearcountrygg on 04/28/2021:
Unfortunately we know all to well what we are doing wrong. I also do better not spending a lot of calories for breakfast....it is a lot easier for me to deal with morning hunger than evening hunger. I know what you are talking about dealing with feeding kids.....they want some thing and then leave half of it on their plate. You can wrap it up for them for later. You can make them tiny servings and then give more if they need it. I lived that...we had 2 kids and also 8 foster kids.......one way i did deal with their food was that I convinced myself I shouldn't eat their leftovers....I told myself that they sneezed on it....played with it...and suddenly it didn't sound very appetizing......so their leftovers went in the fridge for later or in the trash.....Right now I am planning my days foods so that I can have a treat in the evening...I have given up on eliminating evening eating for now.

coffee&calories on 04/28/2021:
I will do the same and plan for a treat in the evening :)

Jacky82020 on 04/28/2021:
Have you tried sugar free hard candy? I like the cinnamon ones. Think 10 calories. Also tamp down AM appetite by adding chocolate protein drink to my coffee. Some cereals, sweet ones, aren’t bad either, if you only eat a cup or so. I do that more as an evening snack Also really into rice cakes now. Can be topped with all kinds of low calorie stuff. I like the spicy tuna pouches and whipped cream cheese and sugar free jelly for now for toppings.

coffee&calories on 04/28/2021:
Great ideas, thank you. Brand for the cinnamon candies you buy? I actually bought Premier Protein shakes from Walmart and noticed that if I use the premade liquid shakes, it makes a very nice coffee/latte if I use espresso and it’s reasonably low calorie! I use to try mixing in protein powder but was never successful. Even if I got it smooth, it always tasted gritty. I have rice cakes, so I’ll try the toppings you mentioned. I never have calories left at night lol but I would love cereal as an evening snack!

Jacky82020 on 04/28/2021:
Stopped buying Premier Protein after years upon realizing the Walmart Equate is identical & significantly cheaper. Never put protein powder in coffee. Guess you’d have to use a blender which means washing it after.

I like the Brach’s sugar free cinnamon candy. Walmart carries it.

The Dunkin Donuts coffee mocha cereal is really good! Also their caramel latte cereal.

Maria7 on 04/28/2021:
Everybody has different techniques that work for them. And sometimes we have to switch things around. Hope you are having a good day.

horn_of_plenty on 04/29/2021:
I see I skipped your question - I worked as a music teacher for 4 years while getting my masters but had trouble getting a permanent position and at the time made a drastic decision to leave the field ....I will write more and comment on your diary tomorrow !

happy-1 on 04/29/2021:
Careful with the Premier protein and sugar-free candy. The ingredients can cause problems with your endocrine system. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4990242/

Orgain is supposedly a clean protein product that doesn’t taste awful. I like it mixed with almond milk and instant espresso from Bustelo.

Donkey on 04/29/2021:
I feel like I could have written this diary entry. The stress hits you and eat want to eat. The hard candy is wish trying. Something to keep your mouth busy, anyway.

Thinking of you today as we tackle the morning stress together.

coffee&calories on 04/29/2021:
Thanks donkey, hugs. Unfortunately, I started binging right after breakfast and haven’t stopped...it’s a bad day. Feeling stressed and so F***king done with lockdown, virtual school, etc. Sorry for the negativity! I hope you are doing much better than me XO

Coffee&Calories - Monday Apr 26, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 121.2

 Dusting myself off and just recording my food intake now. No limit in particular but obviously the goal would be to not overeat, rather to undereat  by a little. I seem to rebel against any sort of rules even very very liberal rules like 1600 calories. So the past couple days I just made sure to get at least some estimates down in my fitness pal and both days were around the 1800-1900 mark. I got a real kick in the butt after seeing my weight start to climb towards 123. Anyways just ensuring to keep records of my calorie count for the weekend brought it down to 121. Now to keep going...

ive already started constantly picking at food this morning because of boredom and feeling stuck. Kids are virtual learning again as COVID numbers in Toronto area are bad. I did manage to get my shot this weekend though bc I'm a teacher.  No side effects at all for me (unless you count slight soreness on that arm where they injected. Barely noticeable). 

okay, it's only 10:20 am and I am already at almost 800 calories..smack my head!

Maria7 on 04/26/2021:
Glad you are okay. I keep records of my calorie count, too. Hope you have a good day.

coffee&calories on 04/27/2021:
Thank you! How do you keep your records?

bearcountrygg on 04/26/2021:
I also have a tendency to rebel against food restriction.....no rebellion in me in any other ways....just food..I understand what you are dealing with. I remember my Mom saying "No one is going to tell me what to eat"...LOL....maybe it's hereditary? I have a question....on days you aren't "dieting" do you eat less? I do.

coffee&calories on 04/26/2021:
Yup! I would say so! For the most part. If I am just writing it down it seems I eat less. When I try to actively diet I typically have a small screw up, give up, begin overeating and stop counting. It makes no sense but I’m so glad you understand!!!

bearcountrygg on 04/26/2021:
We sound like the same person! It's totally frustrating....

Jacky82020 on 04/26/2021:
I’m too lazy to write down calories, but keep a running tally in my head. Not all that difficult because I tend to eat the same things and am well aware of the calories.

I taught hi school and jr hi out west before we moved east. Loved it!

coffee&calories on 04/27/2021:
Did you ever look for another teaching job? I’m not teaching full time anymore, was hard to give up only for the money and benefits are quite good where I live, but can’t say I miss the stress or commute at all. I’ll probably have to get back into it at some point, although I don’t want to.

horn_of_plenty on 04/26/2021:
oh i hear you, years ago i had an issue about staying home and the food calling to me all day when i was home....i'm a bit better now...remember cooked veggies don't kill on calories, even if cooked and sauteed and all.

coffee&calories on 04/27/2021:
This is what I need to remember!

Jacky82020 on 04/27/2021:
No, I didn’t want to teach. I moved to the east coast to renovate a huge Victorian & write. Left the Victorian, in a rural place that didn’t suit me. Not doing much writing, planning to resume a nonfiction project. But! Got seriously into trading stocks & am doing very well.

coffee&calories on 04/27/2021:
Now that sounds like something I want to do! (The stocks that is, although I used to love writing when I was younger :)) How did you get versed in trading?

Jacky82020 on 04/27/2021:
I began by playing with the 401k’s. I had a smallish one from teaching and my husband had a bigger one. My focus was in paying down the mortgage when I taught, so I didn’t put much in my 401k. Both of these allowed me to invest in anything I wanted. QQQ has been a real winner, tracks the top 100 tech stocks like Amazon, Google, Microsoft, etc. think it was up ~50% last year. Exceptional year.

The husband has another 401K now, JPM, that only allows me to select among their limited offerings. Sucks.

I also have 2 regular brokerage accounts, one at TD and the other at Merrill Lynch.

Donkey on 04/27/2021:
So glad you do not have side effects from the shot. Best to catch and stop the weight gain before it becomes more. Sadly, I did not follow my own advice and let it creep up to the 145 area... been that way for about a year. Darn...

Coffee&Calories - Wednesday Apr 07, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 0.0

It's interesting. Yesterday, my brain started to play little tricks on me..like "how about just counting to 1600 cals every day, do not go over, start walking more" like reasonable, supposedly easy goals. Suddenly the idea of restriction chokes me and I can't do it anymore. I start to eat extra stuff, I stop counting calories and it just goes off the deep end as I dig into Easter candy.

I started reading a book called Thin side out: How to have your cake and your skinny jeans too. While I am not sure I can totally do an intuitive eating approach (she calls it Hunger Directed Eating), certain things really resonate with me. She talks of Non-Hunger Eating Like, "eating cuz you ate". You go a little overboard at dinner, or have a couple of the kids cookies, think you've blown it and then keep going because you can start again tomorrow. I do this all the time. I don't remember how I used to not be like this when I happily maintained.   Apparently this isn't to do with food specifically, it also happens with gambling, shopping, drugs, alcohol, where a small infraction can make you binge. Anyways, it seems the people who don't use food to cope engage in something called task-oriented coping. They take direct action to deal with problems. The focus on solving. People who use food to cope engage in emotion-oriented avoidant coping behaviours. Yup, I often soothe myself with food because I don't want to deal with the problem (I sorta struggle with anxiety) so I focus my efforts on changing my feelings. Temporarily, junk food can make you feel better!

Anyways, today I somehow decided to try a 1200 cal diet one more time, which promptly almost backfired after lunch. I had an extra protein bar, and going over my allotment sent me wanting to binge. I stopped myself, and remembered why maybe I need to just stick to my original plan. 

Donkey on 04/08/2021:
I've been chewing on your recent writings. Oh how I can relate to the feeling of being restricted. I too used to rebel against this feeling. I'm not sure how I got over it, but I know that I have overcome that feeling and the anxiety it caused.

Having said that, I realize that if I want to lose the last 10 pounds again, I will need to cut back, and I just can't seem to do that right now. I'm doing quite well at maintaining.

What I have learned in this journey is that our struggles are temporary, and they change over time. So what was hard at one time may become easier at a later time, sometimes so gradually that we don't even notice we're changing.


Maria7 on 04/08/2021:
Yes, but only temporarily, does junk food make you feel better...cause after you consume it, you know you gotta pay the price when you get on the scale. Smile!

horn_of_plenty on 04/09/2021:
love the name of the book, "how to have your cake and skinny jeans too!"

like donkey may have said about herself??, i also have been a HUGE emotional eatiner...may write more later, back to work..

KathyBlue on 04/10/2021:
The 1200 sounds too low. 1600 sounds just about right.. Emotional eating is a very serious thing, I went through everything related to that, binge eating disorder, compulsive eating, and ultimately over-exercising and anorexia, too. They say mindfulness helps, and normally if the person heals the root of the problem (there's always a psychological motive behind these kinds of behaviors), full recovery is possible.. For me the solution came in an unexpected way, I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, and got medicated for it. Now I am more conscious and balanced in that sense, I don't do emotional / frustration eating anymore somehow, I still have those feelings but somehow food is not the solution anymore, I can think clear and focus on efficient problem solving most of the days...

Donkey on 04/10/2021:
^ I too thought that maybe 1200 was too low. ????

Horn_of_plenty on 04/11/2021:
similarly with others comments above, personally the last time i tried a 1200 cal diet was more at the beginning and most volatile points in my own diet history. i couldn't stick with it - too low.

next, i have also gotten out of a lot of my high calorie binging, but, i still use food to cope a little bit, but i have figured out how to do it more moderately. for instance, carbs are my friend, they do make me feel good, but i have figured out ways to include them more moderately and then use veggies as a volume filler in my meals. i drink seltzers sweetened with stevia and also low calorie kombuchas to help me...

...so i help myself thru my needs with eating...and try my best to eat to feel ok as well as eat to be satisfied so i am not necessarily binging like i used to.

Horn_of_plenty on 04/11/2021:
and that's right, it was a very difficult process to move thru. like i tell you, it took me YEARS.

bearcountrygg on 04/15/2021:
When the time is right you will be laser focused.....it will happen.

Coffee&Calories - Monday Apr 05, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 0.0

Hello friends!

I saw after the fact that a few of you posted some comments on last entry. Thank you for the encouragement! 

I think what happens is I stop doing well, often the same day I post, and then I feel stupid to have to report that, so I don't post for awhile. I've been doing a little "diet soul searching" and came to a conclusion. I've been to this conclusion many times before but never made much out of it. Like HoP said, I am trying to eat too few calories. I guess the problem was that no matter what I did I kept screwing up over and over and over..to the tune of being at the same weight give or take a few lbs going on 3 years. I succumb to the'I'll start over' mentality every day just about. Many times I have thought before, if I am going to be 120 anyways, shouldn't I at least have some sanity then. I don't want to be 120. But I am also unable to move it. I think this is where I stand now. My only goal is to not binge/say screw it and start overeating/start over tomorrow and stop counting etc. THAT IS MY ONLY GOAL. From much trial and error with dieting over the decades, I know that I do like counting calories and it's easy for me. I have gotten into My Fitness Pal and it is really does make it easy to calculate. If I set any kind of rules to my eating, it always always backfires. It triggers something in my brain. So, there is no fail other than the what-the-hell effect type behaviour. Ideally, I want to keep my calories under 2000, because that seems to be an average amount for females and I know I definitely am not averging that, so it would be progress. I'm not sure I have much choice anyways. I am not losing weight the way it stands, despite my most earnest attempts. What's the bothering me the most these days is this feeling of out of control behaviour. If I get this licked I think i would be tremendously happier with myself. So, that's where things stand. I started this mentality over the easter weekend, and once I thought of it mid-party LOL I stopped with the constant picking at food. I did normal yesterday. I actually went to bed feeling empty and normal. Around 1700 calories. 

I am trying to eat when I am hungry, have what I want, and just remember NO BINGING. That is my focus and I think the only thing that will make any difference for me. SO far, I feel infinitely better. Maybe even start doing a little workout eventually. 


Jacky82020 on 04/05/2021:
So you’re at 120? How tall are you? That’s a good weight for most heights! I’m under 5’1”, so prefer to go lower, back to my college weight and that of younger years,

coffee&calories on 04/05/2021:
I’m very short, like 5’2 - 5’3...more like 5’2 as I’ve got a curved spine which has made me shorter :-/ I really thought I looked and get best at 112ish

Jacky82020 on 04/05/2021:
That’s still bigger than me! LOL You should be able to get back to 112. Are you able to exercise? I spend hours on my stationary bike & treadmill, & do sissy weightlifting. We have a really nice home gym. The husband is totally into it.

coffee&calories on 04/05/2021:
I really should do it...I have no excuse because we have a home gym that hubby uses to weight lift and a treadmill too...sometimes I mess up my back when I start doing ab workout videos etc but I should just start slowly. I need to make the time. I never seem to have the energy!

Jacky82020 on 04/05/2021:
Yeah, it’s an effort. Didn’t you say you have little kids? Twins?

bearcountrygg on 04/05/2021:
I know what you mean...I also self sabotage....The only time that pre-planning works for me is when I am willing to forego immediate gratification (food)...for a longer range goal...I'm not always in the right frame of mind for that.

Donkey on 04/06/2021:
To have a binge-free day is quite a noble goal. I've done that in the past, too, coming off of huge binge cycles. It can be done, and YOU can do it!

One day at a time, one meal at a time, one step at a time... Be gentle with yourself.

horn_of_plenty on 04/06/2021:
hello, hello! we will always support you! and yes, check back for comments! :)

i encourage you to try not to feel as if we are judging you when you fall short on your goals or backslide. I have done that too many times to count myself! I can only relate. And some here for everyone, we are all in the same boat as you, just at different Islands, as Maria here likes to say. We are all at different points in the journey, but we are on the journey with you.

now i'm only at your second or third line, and yes, when you try to eat too little (or for me, when i try that), it completely doesn't work at all. i set myself up for failure. this is why i do not like to compare "my diet" with anyone else - because i know that while others can restrict more than I, I know that I cannot keep that up for long and it hurts me. So i do the diet journey alone, rather than with competition.

but the good thing is, you were only gaining/losing 3 pounds, like 5 pounds, we'll say (you said). and that is good because it means you are starting to see what you need to do to maintain...and you are closer to maintenance. the bigger the fluctuations, like 10 lbs up and down, is harder to moderate than moving past a plateau of 3 lbs if you gather what i mean.

for a long while i was at a plateau approx 5-10 lbs more than i weigh now. it took me an entire year to move thru it, because as you know in order to lose weight for GOOD, something needs to change. and it took me a year to make the change...and then i have kept it off since Spring of 2016, with small fluctuations just within a few pounds of the 115 goal in that spring 2016. of course i fluctuate, but like you do - when i reach 3 pounds for sure higher, i start to realize i must shift back...and lose what i have gained, but in a way that it stays off...and it takes me several months to lose 3 lbs. it's not overnight by any means. it's hard work. because that is maintenance. maintenance is harder than losing at first, because it's not exciting on the scale, you are no longer losing and excited by the scale's momentum. you just have to want it.

i do agree with your 2000. and i do agree that 1700 is prob the lowest you'll need to go. You will lose a little, slowly, if you do several days of 1700.

if i do a week of 1700, i will lose a little as well.

Personally, i cannot even do a straight 7 days of 1700...so, just know that if you are under 2,000 it's prob helping you lose, if you eat 2000, you will not gain, and there's no reason to eat so slow that it causes you to backslide...

horn_of_plenty on 04/06/2021:
Donkey offers excellent advice, above.

Maria7 on 04/06/2021:
Seems like once we get started or give in, it becomes easier to have some more of the food we want, doesn't it?

legcramps on 04/06/2021:
2,000 is a great goal, and an achievable one. Start somewhere, and make small steps! You've got this!

Coffee&Calories - Thursday Mar 25, 2021
(Calorie Counting)
Weight: 121.0

Hello Everyone!

Terribly sorry for just disappearing every so often! Thing are just BUSY lol. Work has picked up a ton (I just supply teach, but for a decade was a full time teacher until I quit to raise my 3). My twins turn 5 on the weekend. Can't even believe it. I am planning a party with just a little family. We are behind on vaccines in Canada, but it looks like my moms age group is finally coming up - relief. 

Weight wise....yeeahhh....Not good. Too much to explain, but I was just going down a bad path and feeling so stressed. My husband told me to forget the DietBet, he doesn't care at all about the money..just move on. It was no good at all for my mental health. It took a looooong while to actually accept truly 100% that i wouldnt keep trying to make the goal. I am finally at the point where I un-doubtedly know it was causing me to do WORSE. The money is already gone and not missed. Time to just focus on lasting changes. The problem has been I don't know what to do anymore - nothing works. No matter what "plan" it is - even just counting calories at a normal maintenance range, I'll giveup and start overeating. Yeah, it's bad. For whatever reason, I maintain my weight at 120ish regardless of the overeating. I tried to just accept being here, but that hasn't worked either. 

I am going back to what worked very well for awhile, but just be less strict. Only eating at mealtimes, counting the calories in them. Weekends can be higher. Mistakes will happen and just keep, keepin' on. In recent times, when I just have my limit of say 1600, I have been getting close to my limit and then just having a "what-the-hell" moment where I stop counting and snack, snack, snack. I tend to snack all day too, if I am not very highly focused on meals. So, I think this way is better for me, at the current mind state I'm in.

I kind of like my general rule of 300,400,500. Only 1200 calories but leaves wiggle room for error, walking to get a random ice cream or donut after dinner when hubby happens to come home early,  plus i need to factor in weekends which are usually heavier. Hopefully, there might be some success in this. 

Work until noon, then off to get party stuff done!

Breakfast: my mom made fresh veggie/bean soup (100), egg mixed with egg whites (110), avocado (70), spray oil (20) = 300

Lunch: bagel 200, deli meat 85, veg 10, half protein bar 100 = 395

Dinner: soup 50, yogurt with sf pudding powder & coconut whip 150, oatmeal 120, chocolate 150, fruit 30 = 500

And that's it folks. Finally a good day. Dinner was stress eating, but managed to not binge..still need to cook for husband. 

Jacky82020 on 03/25/2021:
Welcome back! Like the 300/400/500

coffee&calories on 03/25/2021:
Thank you <3

bearcountrygg on 03/25/2021:
What you describe I think all of us have experienced too. I think being stressed makes it harder.

coffee&calories on 03/25/2021:
Nice to feel understood xo

Donkey on 03/26/2021:
It's nice that you had an objective voice tell you to let go of the Diet Bet. I can't imagine the pressure that would place on a person to succeed. That is to say, that kind of pressure can be VERY GOOD, but it can also turn very quickly into something not very good, too.

I'm so glad you posted today!

horn_of_plenty on 03/26/2021:
1200 cals a day is LOW, very LOW. that's the amount for a sedentary, hardly moving person.

add snacks in between those meals. a snack can be a fruit or a chocolate or two an hour before your meal. so, before dinner, an hour before, add in both a drink (like seltzer or tea) and a snack. this will help you feel like you aren't so weak and hungry before meals.

make sure one meal has extra, extra veggies like dinner if you stress eat. do takeout of cooked vegggies if you can't get it all cooked on your own.

horn_of_plenty on 03/26/2021:
also, i hate things like Diet Bet as when i see people losing fast, i just don't agree with it - because, for me, i know how hard it is to lose weight from experience, and, have never kept it off from losing it quickly.

Diet bet caters to people who gain and lose like a see saw and is not healthy.

horn_of_plenty on 03/26/2021:
just remind yourself you are also in it for health, not just money lost for a diet bet. health is many times more important than a small monetary loss.

someone i work with just passed away... a heart attack....he had a big waistline.

i actually said to myself not too long ago how he's so lucky he could be a little bigger and not have a heart attack, as a big belly is a huge sign of potential to have one.

legcramps on 03/29/2021:
I hope your new plan is going well!

Maria7 on 03/29/2021:
Hope you are having a good day!

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