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In this episode, you’ll learn…

  • How to prevent your kids from dividing and conquering you and your spouse (3:38)
  • How to remain a unified team with your spouse (even with completely opposite personalities) (6:57)
  • The trick for not growing apart when your spouse has a different parenting style than you (9:40)
  • Why certain parenting styles are neither “right” or “wrong” (10:32)
  • Why an “us vs them” mentality to parenting slowly erodes your kids’ trust in you (13:05)
  • Why it’s okay if your kids think you’re making the wrong decision (16:19)
  • The importance of building up your spouse in front of your kids — especially during tough times (17:43)

If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it’s like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to https://befitandfierce.com and become unstoppable with us.

Or, if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our Just Breathe Facebook Group.

Read Full Transcript

Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.

(00:35): Hey there. Welcome to find your fears. This is episode 32 and we did a gang. I wrote to my husband, Rob, and to join us today. I was telling him that when he joined us last time, the downloads were like boosted and they skyrocketed. So obviously people want to hear what he has to share what he has to say. And that is why I wanted him back on here. So not to mention it. It's kind of fun. We're sitting in my closet. You should see this little set up. I can tell he is so super excited as his favorite thing to do is public speaking. I know last time we talked some on being a team, when it came to running our business and working together today, we are going to talk about being a team when it comes to parenting and sometimes, and he can probably add to this. It feels like we just, let's just be honest here, the kids versus us. And if we're not careful, it can easily be flipped to a team of one parent and kids versus the other parent. And there's this division and that dynamic doesn't work out in the end. So are you ready for this, Rob? Thanks for being here.

(01:37): Hey, thanks for having me back.

(01:39): So I know that like you're super excited, so let's just relax, have fun. We're like seriously, we're sitting in our closet and just having a conversation. So, and lots of women are going to listen to this, but let's talk about kids. Cause I mean, there's no one perfect parent out there. There's not one perfect couple. You know, we got to find what works best for our family, but I know you've always been involved like from day one. I know people always ask me, Jill, how do you do it? You have five kids. And it's like, I don't, I have a husband. I have a father who is involved in their kids' life from day one. And so what do you have to add? Or what, can you, your perspective on things when it comes to being a team?

(02:26): Well, yeah, I mean, definitely it takes a team to, to keep up with our gang. Anyone with children out there. I mean, we're on the same boat. Even if you have one, it feels like you're outnumbered. Somehow we realized that early on, I th I think gone from no kids being married for a few years and all of a sudden we have our first, it was, it felt like you added five kids at that time. It was just the change in the routine is unbelievable. And I think we realized early on working together as the only way we were gonna keep her sanity at that time. Okay.

(03:00): Gosh, I remember going from zero to one, I think I was like, I was exhausted, totally exhausted. Like what just happened at this little baby just rocked our world from zero to one. Then we had Harrison. So then we each had one, right? Like we each had one on her hip and then three, we were definitely outnumbered. And then after three it's like, who cares? Just four or five, whatever. And so, but being a unified front, I think that's the biggest thing. And guys are, our kids are now like teenagers entering in the junior high years. Our youngest is 10. So, you know, he's probably going to be geared more toward that, but kids do a very, very good job, even from a young age of, you know, divide and conquer. Like they know like we, we joke. We've just had talked about this yesterday. Let me tell you a story. Hayden, our third child, I had dropped him off at the batting cages and it was around 1130 and I said, okay, let's be home by three. Okay. So I'm thinking, you know, four hours is plenty. So just be home about three, three 30, well at four o'clock what's he do

(04:10): No four o'clock. He texts me and says, Hey dad, I'm hanging out with my buddies. Here's where I'm at. Here's what I'm doing. Is that good? Of course me being gone earlier in the day, I didn't know Joe had the arrangement of you said come home. So I said, yeah, that's fine. Thanks for letting me know. So without me now, and he basically was dividing and conquering us. He was playing one parent against the other. And luckily in this situation it wasn't a big deal and he was still communicating, but that's just a small example of how he was dividing us up to, to kind of get what he wanted to accomplish for that.

(04:45): Oh yeah. I mean, they're good at that. They, I mean, you know, well, we always say, you know, if mom and dad say no, ask grandma and grandpa, but it's almost they know exactly our parenting styles. And that's the thing as parents. I think we need to understand because we are trying to get to know our kids' personalities and how, because we can't just parent one child the same across the board. I know I was guilty of that in the early years they to get to know our personalities and our styles, and then that could be, and use that to their benefit. I mean, that's just to me genius from their perspective. Okay. So they try to divide, they try to conquer. So I think you had mentioned, you know, being that team and being that unified front, here's the thing supporting each other, no matter what, because we don't always agree.

(05:34): No, I mean, absolutely not. And I think part of that comes down to, because we're each our own individual and, you know, we're made up differently and you and I, I mean, some parents might be more, some couples might be more similar to each other. I, I think you and I are probably a lot more different than each other. You're very outspoken, very outgoing words come quickly to you. I mean, all very good positive things. And from a parenting standpoint, if one of our kids will ask something, you're usually the first boom here's, here's, what's going to happen. Here's how it's going to be. And I'm kind of sitting back thinking about it. Not because I didn't want to make the decision I'm stewing on it. I'm analyzing it already, I guess, if you will. And so we have those two different approaches where, you know, you're pretty quick to lay it out there. And then, you know, at the same time I'm thinking about it and coming up with my own decision. So it's just, it's just the way we are in the way we work

(06:29): And supporting each other on that. It, because I might do something or parent in a way that maybe you would not have done and vice versa, you might, you know, because you are more laid back guys. That is exactly right. I'm more of how do you call it? Like just, I don't know how else to say, like you said it perfectly, but you know, I sometimes jump the gun on things and you're a little bit more laid back and I think that's exactly just going back to Hayden. He knew that I was probably going to say, no, I said, get home at three and you would be, Oh yeah, sure. You know, because, because of that laid backness, but we always support each other. And I think that's the thing that is critical, I think in marriages is that we support no matter what, when it comes to our decisions of how we parent, if that makes

(07:20): For sure. Yeah. Yesterday's example of just spending time with buddy, that's not a real big life decision there. Now when they do ask the things that are a little bit more involved, Hey, can I go boating at the Lake? Or can I go for a weekend somewhere then obviously if you and I aren't together, we'll be like, well, have we had a chance to talk to your mom about it? Or if it was to you, what does that say about it? And if we're not to gather to where we can work it out ahead of time, that way we know that both parents were, we were both involved in the decision making, I guess. So. Yeah, we do definitely.

(07:54): Well, I think just having that again, that unified front where the kids know that we're on the same page and we have each other's back.

(08:01): Oh yeah. It's us, our decisions. And we know we come up with what we feel is best to where they're not driving the decisions. Yeah. I mean, there'll be times where I'm sure I make a decision by, Oh, Rob, what were you thinking? But yet you don't say that in front of the kids. I mean, we'll have, yeah. Have each other's back, like you said, or flip the switch, there'll be times where you maybe said something where, you know, I didn't a hundred percent agree with, but I'm like, Hey, that's what we're doing, kids it's, you know, and that way we're, you know, together and this decisions where they can't kind of find a crack and, you know, work us apart to where we ended up having conflict just out of the way we parent

(08:41): Well and always respecting each other, you know, especially in front of the kids. I mean always retreat, respect each other, but, you know, you said, I think you said it perfectly when the kids can find that crack or that open door to weasel their way in to, you know, make that explode. So you know, I know you even touched base on this about problem solving, you know, sometimes, especially when you have teenagers and the things that we need to parent on that they do become larger and more serious. You know, people always ask, you know, would you rather have you know, kids and no sleep and sippy cups or would you rather have teenagers? And, and, Oh my gosh, I would have toddlers and sippy cups any day because I think you get less sleep when you have teenagers. So let's talk about our different parenting styles, because I think when parents are, when you know, a husband and wife, they come together, they have their kids.

(09:35): I mean, they're bringing in, you know, their thoughts, their beliefs, the way that they were raised. I know I can tell you that through 18 years of parenting, something that I have learned so much is that I appreciate a new perspective. Like you bring a new perspective to two things. So the way I see things you add in a, you know, a different angle. And I hope you know that I do the same thing for you, but as you know, when you guys were parenting, I want you guys to look at it that way it's not necessarily a right or a wrong way. It's just someone else bringing a new, fresh perspective to parents.

(10:15): Yeah. I think that's actually spot on Joe. Cause when we first, you know, when we had Houston, our oldest early in the first couple of months, I was like, Oh, why is she doing it this way? I, you know, I wouldn't, you know, and I had this approach in my head that I felt was right. And what I, it took me a while to realize exactly what you said. We each have our own different approach and neither one is more right or less. Right. It's just the way we are. And now I know you extremely well, obviously. And one of your strengths, for example, with our family is your ability to schedule because our family and everybody's family is so busy without a schedule and a system in place, you know, we would totally be a train wreck and that's my weakness probably. And so having those different approaches doesn't make you more, right. You just helps us run more efficiently for sure. And at the same time, I do different things that hopefully, you know, offset and, you know, pick up some of, you know, maybe where your shortcomings could possibly be. I don't know. Not that you have shortcomings, I guess.

(11:26): No, I mean, we all do, but I think I do have more than that.

(11:31): Yeah, absolutely. That was one example,

(11:35): But like learning a new approach, I look at things in and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I just learned that. For example, you're really good at asking questions to the kids, to get them to communicate and get them to talk where I sometimes might just have a sentence or a command where you ask the questions to them to think that it's their idea. Like, does that, does that make sense?

(11:57): Yeah. I mean, sometimes it helps, you know, want, if they're having a tough time, it helps them kind of talk through a situation. Or if they're asking something out of us as a parent or to make a decision and a permission or whatever, kind of in a way, it's the parental way of interrogating, I guess, but on a more kind of an equal level to them, to where they can talk and explain why they think they need to be at the batting cage for four hours or why they need to hang out with their friends for another couple of hours after and just,

(12:27): Well, let's take Harrison, for example, he started his own business and he's coming in and needing, you know, just needing help and advice and mentoring. And so I, and I've watched you just over these last few weeks when he's coming to you, you could easily have come in and said, this needs to be done, done, you know, and this and this and this, whereas you're prompting and helping him solve problems on his own.

(12:51): Yeah. I mean, part of that, I think as us being parents, we've went through different life examples, whether it's work related or social related, we've learned a lot of hard lessons. And I think it's crazy. Cause actually this approach, I think came more from your dad than probably anyone because Jill's dad was always in a position where he had a lot of coworkers, I guess, kind of under him, but he, he wasn't a boss. He was an outstanding leader and he was the team unity. And you know, that's kind of the same way with parenting and kids. It's, it's not a us versus them. It's a team for us team Allen. And it's like, what can we do? So a good leader, doesn't say, here's what we're going to do every time a good leader will say, what are we going to do? How do you think, I mean, it's more question base and you do this too a lot, John. I don't think you realize that you have a lot of questions when you're asking the kids and it's not a dictatorship by any measure. And I think parents in general, good parents are going to ask a lot of questions of their kids and get to the root of what their, why is and you know, the direction they want to go. And

(14:04): It doesn't feel like that sometimes. And I think as parents too, like there are days where they feel like, and we all have done it. We've had days where we feel like we're beat up and overwhelmed and outnumbered and things just aren't going the way. Or maybe we have expectations and if they didn't, they weren't met. And I think parenting is the hardest, hardest by far job that we can have ever had. And because we always talk about having those good kids and, but we want those good kids to grow up to be amazing, great adults. And I know for me, I sometimes forget that I was a kid as well and going through those growing pains, those situations where as parents, we want to come in and just take that control. And we're experiencing that right now with our oldest. And that's the hardest part is it's not just a, you versus them or an, a kids versus another parent. It's we want our kids to win. We want the entire family to win.

(15:12): Right. And that's more of a long term win, I guess, from my viewpoint, because I know sometimes our kids will see some of our decisions as like, we don't love them or we don't support them or the worst parent ever worst parent ever. But what I mean, we obviously all realize, you know, any of us that have young kids that we're not put on this earth to be their very best friends were put on this earth to be their parents, hopefully were they're great friends along the way, but we're going to have to make some really tough decisions for them at times, knowing longterm, that was the right decision. And we're teaching them the right paths to get to where they're heading short term. They may look at it as we're terrible parents or we're out to get them. And that's, I know we all go through this and as you know, you touched on the, you know, what phase do you want your kids to be on the, the sippy cup?

(16:08): And do we give them Cheerios or squash for, I mean, those are the big life decisions. Years ago, we had an hour, you know, obviously our kids are different stages. And I think that's the big thing is to remember is our decisions have to be a unified decision to get them where we want them to be long term as humans, not just our kids, but you know, five years from now, where do we want them to be? So there's going to be tough decisions to make that they, the kids that is, they, they feel it's the wrong decision, but we know in our hearts together as their parents was the right one. And that's where the key, I think that's where it is. It's key to be unified as a husband, wife, whatever parents, mom and dad in our decisions have to be in sync on those decisions. Because if not, that's where there'll be the trouble with the marriage as well.

(17:01): Well, and once those 18 years, cause we've only been gifted like 18 years for them. I mean, God gave us the gift. They're not really ours. We're just here to help guide them. But when they're gone and moved out, it's back on us. And I think that's the most ultimate thing by supporting each other, respecting each other through some hard times rewarding times. But at the end, the marriage came first and then we're also going to be left when they were gone. And so I think that's one of the things that we still need to keep intact throughout this entire time and not allow these little lovelies to come in and divide. Okay. So let's recap here. We had talked about supporting each other, no matter what, having a unified front building each other up in front of the kids. I know what I wanted to add is we're setting the example. We're setting the example for our kids. I mean, they're watching, they're watching you, how you work together as a team, they're watching you, how, you know, maybe a marriage should be or should not be, but they're, you know, using, you know, that there were there, what do you call it?

(18:10): I guess, role models, basically life models,

(18:14): And to see how we solve those problems, how we support each other, how we are together in this marriage. And you hope that they want that as well, or maybe even better. Do you agree

(18:25): For sure? I mean just because kids are sponges, they soak everything in, whether we realize it or not. And I mean, they're going to soak in bad examples the same way as they will. Good examples. So yeah, it's definitely important that we're, I feel that being a unified parenting, you know, to them offering that is definitely going to help them longterm when they hopefully find a spouse that they're in love with and end up having, you know, kids, if that's their path that, you know, they're also working together with their spouse, you know, to work through problems and challenges and make big family decisions as opposed to being divided along the way and eventually growing apart. So yeah, for sure. That's

(19:10): Yeah. I wanted to add that in remembered, so, okay. So we are, so now we really are recopying here, but how we were talking about supporting each other, be a unified front problem, solved together, building each other up, taking our kids' personalities into consideration as well as each other's personalities and supporting them no matter what, and really grab a hold and embrace the new, you know, a different perspective, a new perspective, a different angle that each of us can bring to the team of, or the family team. Is there anything that you want to add to that long list of recap?

(19:45): No, I think that's pretty strong. Yeah.

(19:48): Okay. I hope you guys got something out of this and understand. I want you guys to know that parenting is hard, but no matter what, at the end of the day, ultimately your kids just want unconditional love and you know, the support. And to know that they have a mom and dad or someone that loves them no matter what. And so you're doing a really good job. You are doing a good job. You're probably doing better than what you think. So, you know, just give yourself a hug and give yourself some grace when it comes to parenting. And it's each day is a new day to where you guys can really come together. It's not like the end all, like you could start right now to making that shift and the needed shifts that we all need to make when it comes to raising a family.

(20:37): So it's good. I do want to invite you guys in if as a mom, I totally get it, but if you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it's like to juggle a crazy busy life, then head on over to [inaudible] dot com and become unstoppable with us. Or if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated growing your faith, join our, just breathe. Facebook group heads up on the next episode, the flip the script series with two special guests we'll kick off. So make sure that you join us next time. Thanks so much for joining us today. Thanks Rob, for being here, please subscribe. Share this episode, link on your social media. As we all know, someone that can benefit and I would love it. If you would give some feedback and a review as well, talk with you next time, beef it be fierce. Be unstoppable. See ya.

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