Nothing classes up the joint like a top hat and monocle

What a week! Our Deleted Comments queue fairly groans with vast loads of deleted idiocy, and yet, we find ourselves facing quite the conundrum: While we had enormous numbers of deleted comments, not many of them were really all that worth mocking -- they were more tiresome than absurd. And yet, we will muddle through, somehow. At least our story on Ben Shapiro's gay-panic meltdown in response to the horrific shootings in Virginia managed to elicit an eminently quotable comment from "WILLIAM H GATHERCOLE & NORAH G." They appear to write comments as two people, and really want us to witness the power of their ALL-CAPS USERNAME. The joint Gathercole entity took issue with our highly unprofessional tone and parlance in the piece:

This is clearly a homo-sexual web-page based upon the type of language used to describe this situation. If you guys do not like the way Shapiro interprets the motivation for these murders, then oppose him, not with street language and mock-derision, but with facts and reason.

Egad! Have the serving-girl fetch forth our fainting-couch, for this uncouth Wonkette web-site has revealed itself to be rife with sodomites of the homo-sexual variety! And this web-site won't even respond to Mr. Shapiro with facts and reason! Heaven knows, if there's anyone on this Inter-Net who is a master of facts and reason, it is that nice Mr. Shapiro, who is the very avatar of good sense and the finely-parsed argument (not that we'd ever let a Shapiro join our country-club. One must have standards). Given that most of the Gathercole Collective's Disqus comment history seems to focus on the minutiae of Canadian politics and impassioned defenses of the pesticide industry from scurrilous attacks by godless liberals -- they've even made their very own bizarre image macros to convince the world that pesticides are perfectly safe -- we are honored that they took the time to notice that we didn't play nice with Mr. Shapiro. We feel a little bad about banning anyone who could create a pro-pesticide message as persuasive as this:

Destined for display in the International WTF Gallery

Somehow, we will cope with the loss.

Update/clarification: We appear to have been MISLED BY CAPSLOCK: In the Gathercole Entity's username, we thought "Norah G" was William Gathercole's writing partner; instead, it appears to be an acronym for the "National Organization Responding Against HUJE," although we have no idea what the embedded acronym "HUJE" is -- probably either a pest-control term or some made-up thing that only WILLIAM GATHERCOLE knows. We're fairly sure he's not trying to rescue All Canada from the Howard University Jazz Ensemble.

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We hesitate to even mention that our story on wingnut reactions to the fact that Vester Flanagan was a black person who shot three white people drew another trollstorm from the same bunch of neo-Nazis that's visited us before, because Jebus Christ on a wobbly Segway, those guys are a pain to scrub out of the comments. They aren't even funny, even with their trollish declarations that they now "own" our little mommyblog and recipe hub. So to reduce the chances of re-infestation, we won't mention their usernames or the website whence they came, and we'll hope for the best. Who are we kidding? We'll be back here in three hours with a bucket of Internet Disinfectant, won't we?

One of the White Power Rangers wanted us to know that the Very Idea that they share any ideology with the Republican Party, the loonies on Dead Breitbart's Home For Racial Greivances, or mere rightwing conservatism in general is actually quite insulting... to the White Power Rangers, who are far purer in their dedication to neo-fascism:

Those being called "wingnuts" are really more like the Liberal Progressives who love to hate them than they are like us who really are racialists.

The new Far Right is the same as it ever was - Fascist and National Socialist without apology. If wingnuts are "nuts" for allegedly being racist, what are we?

Fascism is a lot of fun. Time to recalibrate your political spectrometers to include us living racialists as the definition of Far Right.

Another gent asserted that we were trying to hide the fact that Vester Flanagan was black and his victims white, despite the complication that wingnuts' freakout over Flanagan's declaration of race war (also gay war) was what the article was about:

Of course this jack off writer would prefer the race of killer stay hidden since he is afterall a black man who constantly whine and cried because nobody liked him because of the color of his skin and the fact he had no one to shove a dildo up his but, except himself. No, this leftwingnut jack off writer just can't stand it when the tables are turned and blacks have to take some heat for their own racism and blatant race baiting. Now go back to jerking off on your moms couch, douche.

Look, snowflake, if you can't even spell "butt" right, maybe you need to rethink whether you're even qualified for the gay-haters' club.

Another of our Special Visitors had a veritable Thought Catalogue of grievances about how the Liberal Media insisted on making excuses for the murderer:

These stories seem to fall into 1 of 2 categories, "Oh the poor victims had every reason to kill, it's just sad guns haven't been banned yet to prevent it" or "racist culture and religion strike again!" I understand feeling bad about how your ancestors may or may not have enslaved some races, but it would be like me as a 3rd generation Italian American feeling like the other Europeans and all of the Middle East, including Jews, deserve special treatment from me because my roman ancestors were invading and enslaving everyone way before America did it. Hell, maybe I should feel bad that the Romans probably even showed America how to act.

Sadly, this gentleman didn't specify which of these crimes of Race Treason we were guilty of, but we're fairly sure that we'll get what's coming to us on the Day Of the Rope anyway.

Still, the infestation did bring at least one mildly interesting argument, from a couple of idiots who fancied themselves to be low-rent versions of the Kevin Costner character in JFK. Based on their careful analyses of the video posted by Flanagan to social media, they proclaimed the whole thing a fake. For one thing, the fact that the video shows one of the victims turning to run instead of being hurled backwards -- preferably through a plate glass window-- just like in the movies, proves that the whole scenario is impossible:

The shooting is obviously fake if you watch the "shooters" video.

The type of gun that doesn't eject casings? Are you serious? That's a Glock 9mil or Glock 40. A 124 grain 9mil round, muzzle velocity on that weapon is roughly 1000ft/s, that's kinetic energy of 275lb/ft. That would knock a 110lb girl on her ass, not send her running away in heels. Please wake up people.

Or maybe one or two of his first shots went wide and he killed her after she turned. Hahaha, we are kidding -- real shootings always result in people being thrown backward ten feet as blood erupts from their wounds. Haven't you even seen any of the Die Hard movies?

A second guy joined in, explaining that while he was definitely not a conspiracy theorist, this sure looked like a conspiracy, because he didn't see the shell casings -- not even in a slowed-down version! -- and also the people being shot at didn't flinch the way they were supposed to at the sound of gunshots. Besides, doesn't the government lie to us all the time?

Neither of our intrepid CSI wannabees could explain why anyone would fake this shooting, except of course that it's an excuse to Take Our Guns. Which seems like a pretty crap conspiracy, given the utter failure of any of all the other False Flag non-murders in recent years to result in any appreciable reform of national gun laws.

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Our piece looking at several additional examples of the glories that the Second Amendment has wrought this month -- a few dead children and parents, really just a small price to pay for the deterrent effect that an armed populace has against hypophetical tyranny -- brought out one very determined pro-gun guy who impressed us with his circular logic for a while before he became tiresome and got banhammered, and then also this genius, "Jack Hagan," who has some very definite ideas about why we all need more guns to prevent the imposition of a monarchy:

"Gun Control" is so ONLY the king and his minions have weapons. Nothing more. Tyranny, the enslavement of mankind. The work of evil people who are not to be trusted

Mr. Hagan went on to explain that the only reason Communism ever took hold anywhere was the elimination of an armed citizenry, and by golly, he sees right through our nefarious plans.

  • We want our freedom. People like you just want a king.
  • 220+ million murdered by the adherents to your vile religion of envy and slavery. We are not giving up the guns. Try and take them. Please.

Mr. Hagan didn't explain how it is that Japan, Australia, Canada, and most European nations manage not to have become tyrannical monarchies with death camps and stuff, but on the other hand, there is Great Britain, which has both strict restrictions on private gun ownership and a figurehead monarch, so we guess he's got us there.

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We'd say something about the tiresome anti-abortion bloviations of that one guy who wrote an astonishing 120+ comments -- roughly half of them including some variation on the phrase "cutting up living babies' faces to take their brains" -- in reply to our update on the deceptive editing in those anti-Planned Parenthood videos, but it's a nice day and he was A Idiot. Still, it was an impressive achievement of high-speed typing. Yeesh.

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We'll be back next week with more deleted comments, but we sure hope we get a better class of trolls in the next few days. If only they could aspire to the example of MR AND MRS ALL-CAPS SHOUTYPEOPLE. We know they can derp better.

Doktor Zoom



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