On Fetish Induced Loneliness

I am utterly alone

I am alone

So, this wasn’t one of the blogs I was planning to write this week, but it being a particularly dark and tiring winter, what better time than to talk about something we never mention:

The Loneliness of Perversion!!!

As anyone that’s followed my blogs knows, I frequently make good-natured jokes about how we’re all a bunch of odd-balls and pervs.
I do this for two reasons:
1. Because it’s true, and that makes it funny.
2. Because even though it’s true and funny, there’s something to be gained from hearing another person state your own concerns out loud…
Then blow them off by making them a joke.

The thing about our corner of the internet, of the world, of kink, of the fetish-industrial-complex, whatever you want to call it, is that it’s a lonely place.
Erotic Hypnosis is harder to explain than bondage, harder to explain than being into feet, and god help you if Erotic Hypnosis isn’t a means unto itself and serves as an enabling factor for something else.
But hell, wearing women’s underwear makes more sense than this stuff does at a glance doesn’t it?
There’s at least a tactile component to that, right?
Also, so much of that stuff exists as a discrete element of pop culture, I mean shit, Bob’s Burgers had sexual arousal from balloon popping as a sub-plot in an episode, and what do we have?
You know, aside from the very idea of it being communicated to us via mainstream narrative traditions etc.
The difference being that it’s shown to be ‘sexy’ but is never defined as sexual or erotic in the common vernacular. We don’t have a shorthand for it when it comes to talking to the normies about our kinks, and even if we did, that would still involve talking to the normies, right?
And come on, who wants to do that?

Oh, that’s right, lots of us, because we want to be understood, but just as much as we want that, what we really want to do is talk to people that we KNOW will understand us.
You know, people with the same grounding and experience.

That’s why our few communities here matter so much, and it’s also what informs the emotional balancing act of interacting with pros.
It’s also part of what puts a premium on real hypnosis, and on women who are interested in and practice real hypnosis. If they know it, if they know what they’re doing, then they really understand what you like and what you want (in theory).

People’s emotions are complicated.
We all know this.
Our erotic/sexual inclinations and emotions are perhaps our most complicated ones, and while our communities matter because you can find yourself in the company of like minded people, here’s a spoiler alert:

No one wants to talk to another dude about their boner.

Most people hang around community sites hoping to interact with the pros, or with people that offer the service they’re after.
At least that way, all their emotional stuff? That? That gets to be sexy, because they’re talking to their very ideal of a sexy lady.

Sexy is better than when they sit with it, alone, in the long dark night of the soul, because no one goes looking for their fetish porn when they’re feeling insightful or in need to some deep soul searching.
It’s afterwards, when the Masturbator’s Remorse (trademark Tessa Fields) sets in, when the complexities of personal identity, and the temporary high we feel from indulging in our desires fades, that we begin to question our wants, and why we’re spending money on these things.
Truthfully, we’re more likely to feel shame than intellectual curiosity about our desires, so when we reach out, when we reach out to the pro dommes of the world, they became manifestations of our lust and our shame, or they become the answer to this question we have about ourselves.
Either way, we tend to dehumanize them.
Even if it is only in the same way we do a therapist, we are still reaching out to them for a service, for a skill, a specialized knowledge, or to simply assuage our loneliness.

This is why a Hypno-Domme’s time is valuable, because your friendly banter is still work, or at least promises to become labor at some point.
As friendly as we are, we can only ever be friends within the context of our relationships with our Dommes.

So, the paradox here becomes that we go to just the wrong people we should be going to, to answer the questions we have about ourselves and to feel more connected, and for lack of a better word, ‘normal’.


But here’s the thing. When we do talk to each other, we talk about big things, broad things, and no one really spends a lot of time, of any time for that matter, mentioning their erections, even though we all know what we’re saying to each other.
When I get complimentary feedback from fans of my stories, I know that if I read behind the lines their enjoyment of my stories comes from it being solid jerk off fodder.
But you know what?
That doesn’t bother me because that’s what I make, so when I do chat with other dudes about the scene, we talk around our gratification and talk about those other things.
Mainly, we talk in ways to fight off the sense of loneliness and isolation that comes with having these desires. We share, we relate, we offer opinions about who and what is better, or best, and what we like.
We dance around the main thrust of the conversation, not because they’re actually perverted, but because they’re narrow, precise, and personal, and that trifecta creates a demanding scenario for shared understanding.

There’s a side tangent here in talking about loneliness that can lead into talking about fake hypnosis, and how it becomes doubly disappointing when we get taken in by fakers, there’s all sorts of other derivative conversations about how the content in general preys on the idea of loneliness as well, and there’s more to be said about the nature of subs/customers/whatever-you-want-to-call-us, but I think we’re all better served ending this blog here with a few closing thoughts:

Being alone, truly feeling alone, isn’t about the absence of others.
We were all teenagers once, we all felt alone in a crowded room, or distant from the people all around us, and not just in the context of our desires.
We’ve all been lonely before.
Loneliness is a sense of emotional distance, it makes us feel emotional unmoored, disconnected, alien to others, and even the most introverted human still needs other people.
We need others, because we’re humans, we’re social creatures, it’s actually in our biology and neurochemistry
And, since this is a boner oriented loneliness as well as just the old fashioned feelings in general kind, we tend to only want to bridge this isolation by talking to women, especially women who may be able to ‘solve’ all our problems.
Yes, I know I’m paraphrasing and restating myself now, but don’t roll your eyes yet, it’s worth it.
Emotions are complicated, fetishes are confusing, and winter makes everything worse.
You don’t need a sexy hypno-domme to understand you, you don’t need to demand their time to ease your human burden of emotional confusion.
Talk to your peers, because I promise you, if you really want to be understood by anyone, your best bet is to talk to someone in your same situation.

Feel free to Contact Me here and…

If this was food for thought and you think it may have helped you at all, why not contribute a dollar to my coffee and comics fund… the things that keep me sane as I work.

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