I’m Live In My Chat Room With Rabbi Gadol

From my chat room:

RabbiG:  I’m here to do an audit.
RabbiG:  Tzitzit – check.
RabbiG:  Keepah – check
RabbiG:  Beard – it grows
jonnie:  But I like his cheeky smile
RabbiG:  Virtuous women in chat room – check
QuixoticLass:  ok that’s just scary when he does that
QuixoticLass:  kiss my tzit tzit, is that like kiss my grits?
RabbiG:  All Luke lacks in mastery of Hebrew and Aramaic.
jonnie:  Finally education 😉
RabbiG:  QL, I have been hearing rumors of you behavin in an immodest way with a lulav
Emma:  I learnt something new today
QuixoticLass:  I haven’t touched a lulav since succot
jonnie:  Now – shall we give him a shower ?
Emma:  Interesting
RabbiG:  I will present a lesson from Baba Kamma, Chapter 2
jonnie:  I had a Yorkshire Terrier called Baba
Emma:  I want one of those Jonnie
jonnie:  a neighbour reversed over him 🙁
RabbiG:  In the case of a c**k putting its head into an empty utensil of glass where it crowed so that the utensil thereby broke, the  whole cost shall be payable.
RabbiG:  Read "rooster" for "c**k"
jonnie:  haha
RabbiG:  Laugh, but if you look it up you will see it there.
RabbiG:  Forced vibrations and resonance within the Talmud.
jonnie:  circumcised?
RabbiG:  The question is, why did the Talmud think to include a discussion of the harmful effects of forced resonance?
jonnie:  Ahh
QuixoticLass:  the rabbis in the talmud are always comparing each other, so and so is such and such number of kav long
RabbiG:  Suppose, for example, this rooster had crowed into the metal work of a bridge, thereby causing resonance that brings down the bridge. Same result?
QuixoticLass:  because it involved property.  we’re all very concerned aobut our stuff
jonnie:  Or a rooster masturbating perhaps – setting up the resonant frequency?
jonnie:  Ignore that
RabbiG:  The lesson is that vibrations can do damage.  If a cahk (rooster) can cause such harm, imagine the damage that can be the result of a mechanical vibrator such as cat owning women often possess
Emma:  What a picture /
RabbiG:  These too, can cause much harm, but unlike the rooster, cannot even be eaten.
jonnie:  I’m gaining knowledge now
jonnie:  Moral knowledge
RabbiG:  Hence, the Talmud warns women away from using a vibrator as a replacement for a rooster.
QuixoticLass:  What’s the difference between erotic and perverted?
RabbiG:  Rabbi Gedoltzev comments, "but what of the rooster that has no voice, but a sharp beak, and the beak pecks at a glass from the outside scratching it?
QuixoticLass:  a feather is erotic, the whole chicken is a perversion.
jonnie:  Quizo – one involves a rooster
RabbiG:  This, Rabbi Baz noted, is not complete damage, therefore the damages are less. 
Emma:  Farm animals and vibrators.. what will be next
RabbiG:  Hence, a small pecker is not as harmful as a vibrator
QuixoticLass:  but a vibrator may well be more effective
RabbiG:  A vibrator is more effective at vibrating, and a pecker at pecking, but which is more harmful to "shalom bais", household peace?
QuixoticLass:  depends on if your husband is gay or not
jonnie:  Tefillin?
QuixoticLass:  bye everyone!
jonnie:  I’m gay !
Emma:  byeee
jonnie:  HAHA
Emma:  tc
jonnie:  Night
User jonnie left the room.
User QuixoticLass left the room.
Emma:  What a way to come out
RabbiG:  I shan’t touch QL’s last comment with a ten foot pole
YourMoralLeader:  Keep teaching, rabbi
RabbiG:  Intellectuall ambitious students will confirm my quotes here.
YourMoralLeader:  Why do we have yom tov sheni?
YourMoralLeader:  Why can’t I eat kitniyot?
YourMoralLeader:  Am I allowed to go down on my wife?
Emma:  Yep I’m lost…
RabbiG:  Who here knows the very first mitzvah recorded in the Torah?
YourMoralLeader:  be fruitful?
RabbiG:  Yes!
RabbiG:  Actually, it is be fruitful AND MULTIPLY.
RabbiG:  Simply being a fruit is not enough.
YourMoralLeader:  Is it kosher to meet an Irish 18yo in a chat room and fly her to LA, convert her, dip her in the mikveh, chupa, shtuppa?
Emma:  chupa shtuppa?
Emma:  balla walla
RabbiG:  It is permitted to do as you say, but not to say what you will do thusly
YourMoralLeader:  chupa = marriage canopy
RabbiG:  She is a human being, not a toy, and is entitled to respect.
YourMoralLeader:  shtuppa = what happens when a a man and wife love each other and what to demonstrate that love.
RabbiG:  Do not be vulgar.
YourMoralLeader:  What if your wife is not in the mood, how does one entice her to the mitzvah?
YourMoralLeader:  Emma often has headaches
RabbiG:  Appeal to the Torah
Emma:  I feel one coming on now
RabbiG:  A virtuous woman has no such moods, except relating to her period, in which case sex is forbidden.
Emma:  Obviously
RabbiG:  Luke, chant a prayer.
RabbiG:  Yes, but what do those words mean?
RabbiG:  Can you utter them in English?
Emma:  What did that mean.
Emma:  what a mouthful
RabbiG:  Emma, Jews have special appendages within our mouths to utter such words.
Emma:  I can see that
RabbiG:  Which talmud are you using these days, Luke?
RabbiG:  Babylonian or Palestinian?
YourMoralLeader:  Babylonian, baby
RabbiG:  Emma, how many hours / day do you spend here?
Emma:  I lost count
Crikey:  yep im a gluton for punishment
RabbiG:  This worries me.
Emma:  lol
Emma:  Why?
RabbiG:  Do you live alone?
Emma:  No
Emma:  I live at home with my family
RabbiG:  Unless you are getting paid for it, it is not healthy to spend time online
YourMoralLeader:  shush
Emma:  Well it’s very rewarding…
Emma:  Just like getting paid for it
RabbiG:  You should be studying, gardening, making new friends in person, going to the malt shop and so forth.
Emma:  I do all of that
RabbiG:  When?
Emma:  During the day
RabbiG:  Then at night you should sleep.
RabbiG:  What time is it by you now?
Emma:  I sleep when im tired
Emma:  1:17am
RabbiG:  Time for sleep.
Emma:  You going to bed?
Emma:  Goodnight
RabbiG:  I am not in Ireland.
RabbiG:  What did you typically do at this hour prior to discovering this chat room?
RabbiG:  What would you be doing if the internet went down across your village?
Emma:  Read…
Emma:  I would be running to l.a
YourMoralLeader:  yay
RabbiG:  With a stop in New York?
YourMoralLeader:  give me my arrows of desire
RabbiG:  To refresh yourself.
Emma:  no rg
RabbiG:  Luke hangs out with a rough crowd in LA.
RabbiG:  Bloggers, mostly
Emma:  cool
RabbiG:  They have crucified more innocent people on their blogs than Pontius Pilate did Jews.
RabbiG:  I wish you a good and restful night of sleep.
RabbiG:  And may tomorrow bring the arrival of the Messiah.

About Luke Ford
