The portal

There is a portal I can go through any second of any day. It has taken me a lifetime to find it. It takes me from hell to heaven or heaven to hell. It is a tiny invisible switch, and it’s the realisation of a choice. The mind can create a perception of my life that makes me miserable and that focuses on what is not right, what needs improved, problems and complaints, personal defects, failures.
It can equally create a perception that life is full of miraculous wonders everywhere I look, including myself, my amazing progress and how far I and have developed and how humanity has come in the last 100 years. The support that I have, how fortunate I am to be in a safe secure area relatively free of violence and war, the abundance of opportunities we have at our fingertips, the excellent medical and education facilities. The list goes on, as does the list that can take me further into hell. 

I found myself slipping into hell this morning. A complaint from a client arrived, joined up with another thought of how things are not right, not working, are a failure, then to my inability to sort it, then a further turning towards deficits and problems, next thing I’m thinking I’m all alone and nobody cares! Just like that! My emotions felt dampened in response, and helped to create more of these thoughts once activated. 

Been reading recently that we are hard wired for perceiving problems, part of our primitive survival mechanism. I have certainly felt drawn towards that compulsively at times. I have a tendency towards unhappiness from early experiences. That just means I need to remind myself more often of the choice. Like I’m doing now. 

When I think about fully opening up to the joy, I notice that I am afraid of stepping fully in, there is a fear of loving everyone and everything unconditionally. I suppose I try to defend myself with negativity, it seems to put some distance between me and everything ‘out there’ (that could hurt me), it creates an illusion of separation, a mistaken idea of safety by keeping myself separate when I’m not really and can’t ever be separate from anyone or anything. 

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