Meeting ones certain death has never been so much fun.
Meeting one's certain death has never been so much fun. Jupiter Images / Getty Images Plus

[Originally published in 2016—but pretty fucking relevant right now, I'd say!—eds]

As I write this, a snow storm is quickly approaching Portland—and what exactly are you doing about it? While worry warts are rushing the local grocery stores for unneeded supplies, you should get your fucking priorities in order: WHAT'S YOUR SLED SITUATION?

If you have a sled in the garage, drop whatever useless thing you're doing right now, and go and prep it. If you've thought ahead, you already have two sleds (like I do).

Support The Portland Mercury

A wooden sled with rails:

wwing / iStock / Getty Images Plus

This style of sled is best in icy conditions—be sure to get an ordinary bar of soap and wax the rails to obtain maximum velocity. The "Flexible Flyer" style of sled also can be steered (which is a big plus), and ridden on one's butt or head first (which many people advise against, but they are stupid and scared of life, so ignore them).

A plastic or wooden toboggan-style sled:

HomePixel / iStock / Getty Images Plus

This sled is best for soft, snowy conditions and won't get bogged down like a Flexible Flyer might. It's fast as fuck, and even faster as fuck if you soap the bottom. Downside: Upon reaching top speeds it will drift in any direction it prefers—usually heading for the underside of a parked car, which will ultimately result in a broken hip and extended hospital stay. Don't think about that. Stick your hands in the snow at the rear of the sled to steer, kind of like how a kayaker uses their paddle.

DON'T HAVE ANY SLEDS? Well, here are some less attractive substitutes:
• Inner-tubes (the death trap of sleds).
Boogie or Body Boards.
• Here's how to make a makeshift sled out of a cardboard box and garbage bag.
A Cookie Sheet (one that will preferably fit your butt).
• And in a real pinch, you can use a: Trash can lid (you'll look dumb, but okay), or a shower curtain (you'll look REALLY dumb, but okay).
• HOWEVER, if you're very clever, construct a makeshift sled using an inflatable air mattress and pantyhose... like these clever snow lovers!

In any case, GET YOURSELF A GODDAMN SLED. They are great for winter recreation, and even better for your daily commute!