The First ..Should be the most impressive

Thoughts run amuck in my head, as they do in (so we hope) the rest of the human population. My first impulse to begin a blog was self-indulgent. Why is a journal or diary no longer of relevance to my adult being?

As a teenager, I had a slew of diaries with doodles and poems, to-do lists for my ever-blossoming, adolescent social schedule, and every train of thought that had been tormenting me at the time.

This was satisfying to me. Throughout therapy, I would snicker on about all of the thoughtstorms which I just could not convince to be quiet. Encouragement to release the thought demons became clear through journaling. Although it felt better, it wasn't enough.

I love expressing myself. Through story-teling, through dance, through singing, through funny voices and offensive faces. Why shouldn't journaling do the same?

I realized..

I wanted people to listen. I wanted people to respond and give me feedback. Not because I needed reassurance, but I wanted another opinion. What do you think? What other options having surpassed my consideration need to be viewed? I was curious to see if others perceived what was happening the same why I did. And why or why not?

Because one person's opinion and WHY they share it is fascinating.

Of course you’re right in your head, of course your thoughts are right.

There is no one to question or challenge you when the only person listening is you.

And the side of you that thinks they are considering all options. Even when intention is well-natured, you cannot see that which you do not know (or agree with). Whether it's honest ignorance or ignoring something unappealing to you, not agreeing is not understanding.

No opposing view or bold counter-opinion can passionately strike and question my thinking. When it is not expressed to a responsive entity. AKA: not my journal.

I can expand my view and see other ideas when proposed. But that which does not make sense to me will not come organically through thought. This will come through life, through a lesson, person, song or movement.

An 'aha' moment will awaken within me, in which I can then stew on the given opinions and rebuttal (in time) with my thought out retort, or perhaps my own change in view.

From a more narcisstic and egotistical standpoint, I think what I have to say is interesting. I don't think i'm always right, but man, do I love a good theory! Then I realized...

I wanted people to HEAR ME.

And that's where it came out. Who doesn't want to be heard?

I want to start a conversation. I want to hear what people have to say. I want to understand how everyone else works and how they would process through my saga. Not in order to please everyone, but to understand the median of human thinking so to speak.

The median of human thinking.

That is to say... the average thought given the vast, differing opinions.

Amazing how I begin understand my own thinking merely through trying to explain myself. Not so informed after all, am I??

This inquistive bare-all, story-telling element of my personality may be an overshare to some.

"Why does everyone need to know my business?"

They don't. And I am not telling them so they know my information, I'm asking them what they would do. From a scientific, experimental approach of the human mind. I love to compare thinking. It swells my curiousity in wondering if we are all the same or if we really are all so uniquely special. What do we share and how do we differ? And why? What are our themes when being similar or different?? And WHYYYY?

People are fascinating, they really are. But for fear of pulling my reader on a complete spiraled merry-go-round, I'll save my expanded thoughts on everything popping up in my head for future blog posts.

Sometimes people need to shut up. It's destructive when nothing is coming out.

Thoughts don't take us anywhere, but back to ourselves, deeper in our head and somehow feeling less informed and insecure.

But the thoughts are just thoughts.

No matter how many poignant points I’m able to make or matters I can prove to myself, the theory is not complete or even progressing, without a side you never considered to be thrown into the mix.

Until I speak. Until action is taken.

Until something happens beyond the silent thought and the emotions it comes wrapped with, a thought stays dormant.

Through engaging with others and taking action, thoughts mean something beyond a masturbatory, opinionated conversation with yourself. Thoughts have become things.

So we come full circle. And hopefully this exposes why I felt compelled to blog the never-ending stream of consciousness that exists in my mind, as it does in your mind as well.


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