Thursday, April 15, 2010

A month.

Well, I haven't posted in over a week. It's not that I have a lack of words or haven't wanted to. I've just been busy...However, Lily is constantly on my mind. I wish she was here so much. Yesterday, it was a month since her due date. Tomorrow, it's a month since her birth. Has it really been that long? Sometimes, I can't believe how much time has passed. But, then I think about the journey that these past four weeks has been and it feels like much longer. I can't believe all the mixed emotions I've felt.

I know that every week on Tuesdays, I'll remember just how long it's been since I held her. Will I always count how many weeks it's been, even twenty years from now? Will I think to myself, it's been 237 weeks. Only time will tell what the weeks, months, and years will bring.

I keep wondering what it will be like when I get pregnant again. What emotions will flood my soul? Excitement for the new life growing inside, sadness because Lily's not here to share it with me, maybe even a hint of guilt? Only mothers who have lost a child truly know all the feelings and emotions that come with such a loss. What will it be like when I have to listen to my next baby's heart beating? Will I cry? Out of sadness, out of joy. Will I be afraid? Will I brace myself each week, wondering if I'm going to hear anything? Nothingness. I feel this fear rising up in me. Fear that this will happen again. Fear that one day that little heart will stop beating, like hers did. I don't think I could take it again. I'm so afraid of it happening again.

I never know when the sadness is going to creep in. All of a sudden, it's there. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I can feel fine, and then I'm overwhelmed with missing her. It feels so strange to see her room, just waiting for her. But, she's not there. Will I feel guilty when another child uses her things? I feel like all the stuff is hers! Nobody else should get to use it. I know it sounds silly. But, I can't explain all these things. I don't know why I feel the ways that I do.

Just try to understand.

I feel my gentle Saviour asking me to trust Him. With everything. I'm a mere human. I have no strength. But, in Him, I have the strength...strength to overcome anything. I know He's by my side. I know Lily's by His side. With all the unanswered questions, with all the fears, I choose to trust in Him.



  1. When you get pregnant again there will be a multitude of thoughts and emotions but you won't have to go it alone. *hugs*

  2. Bless your heart....I still count weeks...Saturday will be's been 137 days...I think I'll count forever.
    Lots of love to you!

  3. It will be five months tomorrow since my loss and it still seems like it happened yesterday...and forever ago at the same time. I can't speak for myself yet, but when I get pregnant again, I like to thikn of it as Alexandra "sharing" her room and things with her little brother/sister. :) (((HUGS))


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...