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“We Were in a Partnership That Wasn’t Recognized by Anyone Else”

Research with older gay “widowers”1 is relatively rare and the majority focuses on the AIDS/HIV context, rather than on broader causes of death. However, drawing on studies of heterosexual spousal bereavement, we suggest that older widowers are faced with two competing challenges that impact on their identity. They are expected to grieve in a socially acceptable manner, while at the same time conform to hegemonic masculine identity. We investigate whether gay widowers face the same challenges and whether there are additional challenges compared to heterosexual widowers following the loss of their partners. We interviewed twenty older gay widowers about their experiences. We illustrate our findings with four case studies. We find that gay men, like heterosexual men, manage the challenges of normative grieving as defined by hegemonic masculinity. However, gay men also face challenges of gay identity. We discuss the ways in which these men negotiate the intersectionality of grieving, masculinity, and being gay. In addition, identities are reconstructed in response to the expectations of the gay community. Finally, gay men have to negotiate their position as grieving widower within the wider social context.