Wednesday, April 2, 2014

First Kiss #10

GENRE: Fantasy Romance

Alice and Keoki were sweethearts as teens, but they split up when Alice learned of his betrothal to someone else. He never married. They're together again after an eight year separation.

"Now that I know what really happened, I do forgive you." She tilted her head back to stare at the smoldering desire in his eyes. Her own eyes must have looked the same because he drew her closer, his breath soft against her face. His hand skimmed up her back and settled at the base of her skull, his fingers combing through her damp hair.

Her gaze dropped to his parted lips. She wanted so badly to kiss him. Remembering what his kisses had been like made her tremble and her legs quivered with need. She craved the closeness they used to have, in body and mind, but right now it was his body she wanted because that's where his heart was. It beat in rhythm with hers, their hearts pounding so hard she thought they might burst through their chests to join as one.

"Are you still mine, Alice?" His words vibrated against her mouth because he spoke them so close.

She swallowed and whispered, "Yes."

He crushed his lips against hers, their breaths mingling, their tongues tasting. There was desperation in the way they held each other. If she let go she was afraid she'd fall into the same deep well of loneliness that had taken years for her to climb her way out.


  1. I get the romance vibe strong and clear, so nice work.

    A few things took me out of the story:
    "smoldering desire." This reads cliche. I think you can push beyond this and show us something new.
    "skull" this is a powerful word and evokes a certain feeling/setting. If this book has a gothic undertone, or paranormal elements to the fantasy, something like that, then skull might be sexy in context. It doesn't read very romantic in this setting, so I would consider whether the word choice fits the tone of the book and the scene in the larger context.

    "His words vibrated against her mouth." You don't need the rest of the sentence; this is strong enough on its own.

    The last paragraph shows the lust and desperation well.

  2. Yes, the desperation comes through quite nicely! Nice job.

    Consider deleting "She wanted so badly to kiss him."

    Could also delete "and her legs quivered". (Her legs don't really have the need for a kiss.)

    I agree about deleting "...because he spoke them so close."

    Could show rather than tell: There was desperation in the way they held each other.

    There's an "of" missing in the last line. (...climb out of??)

  3. There were lines I loved and lines I tripped over. I thought it was good though. Overall I got a good sense of the emotional state of the main character. I could feel that whole "we use to be together but this still feels new" awkwardness. Although, I think you could throw in even more of that if you wants. I Agree with the other comments, I stopped dead at "skull" and felt like the last line was missing "of". I really love the last line though, so that one word would make it golden. The whole last paragraph was great. "because that’s where his heart was" tripped me up as well, I was like really that’s why she wants his body. I get what she’s saying but something was off in the phrasing to me. Just a few tweaks and I think it would be all magic and no tripping :)

  4. Patricia NesbittApril 3, 2014 at 9:48 AM

    agree with the earlier comments. However, I really dove into the scene and was there; felt her desire. Definitely would want to keep reading and already rooting for the characters to be reunited. Melted at the line, "Are you still mine?" Well, duh. You reckon?! Of course, my cynical side is also looking for a clue that his heart is genuine. Eight years is a long time.


  5. I wanted to see a bit more of Keoki to get a sense of who he was,(which may not be necessary, depending on what's come before this.)

    base of her skull -- back of her neck, head,maybe.

    Her legs quivered with need. -- WHat did they need? Can they 'need' anything?

    How would she know his heart was beating in rhythm with hers?

    There was desperation in the way they held each other. -- I didn't get a sense of desperation as I read this until I read that word, and then I did feel that she was desperate, and the way I saw the scene instantly changed from one of two people in love to two desperately needy people. Perhaps show the way they held each other and eliminate the word desperation, unless you do want them be seen as desperate.

    That had taken her years to climb out of.

  6. I love the idea of a romance centering around two people who used to be together but fell apart; it's a nice deviation from the "love at first sight" idea. There was a lot of good emotional tension in this scene; I think the only thing I'd be cautious of (aside from the "smoldering" line that was already mentioned) would be to not make the ending feel too movie-like. The fact that he, with perfect timing, falls into such a dramatic kiss right as she finishes the word yes, feels like a movie scene. What if he were to pause or interrupt her? Just some thoughts.