Saturday, September 18, 2010

The beginning

I have been with out the internet for awhile and will still be without it until I get the company out at my house next week. However, I have been writing little things here and there to keep myself sane.... Here are the two little things I have jotted down...


I am finally in my bed with my kids in theirs. This is a whole new process we all have to learn. It is so hard for them. It is so hard for me. I just feel like I have failed them miserably. That this mommy just hasn’t been able to do for them like they need. I know that where I am is better for them in the long run, but my heart still breaks when they are not with me.

It absolutely kills me when I know they really don’t mind not being with me, but the second their dad is away from them they flip out and meltdown. They have to call him a million times and whine about not being there and ugh!!! It feels like they are ripping my heart to shreds piece by piece.

I can’t tell them that. It would be hurtful to them. I wouldn’t want them to feel sad.


Well, it is truly a process. I know that and it is moving along nicely. Yet, I know that is will be hard again when they are at their dad’s. I spoke with a friend of mine who has been in a similar situation. He and his wife got divorced and they do shared parenting. He is an AMAZING father and I know that he would be able to give me some advice. I just needed to know that it was going to get easier. Everyone I have talked to tells me it will easier-NONE of them have been where I am right now, none but him. He made me feel better by telling me that although it may get a bit easier to deal with it will never be normal. A parent just can’t get used to being away from their kids. Crazy thing…It just made me feel better. Weird I know!! But it makes sense.

I got to have the kids for 3 nights… just like they were away from me for 3 nights. We will go back and forth for a bit until it is every other week. I am sure I will have heart failure during those times.

I will get through this… I know I will. I just keep telling myself- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

1 trip and the world knows

I can't say i am the world's greatest person, FAR FAR from it... but i can say that I am a pretty damn decent person.

Yet, one slip up... that i try to make sure i do behind closed doors: literally; and it's like i personally spit in the face of many people.

I guess it doesn't matter that a person has a bazillion different things going on... just that for a split second they cracked and let a slight leak spew from the granite dam.
Next time I have a lapse of judgement moment, I will ensure your feelings aren't injured. God forbid, my tears annoy you!

Monday, September 13, 2010


Time has flown and summer is gone... School has started and my mind is still whirling from the hundreds of things that I have done, am doing and still needs to be done. I can't seem to get a grip on life these days.

There are times where I am completely lost and really can't seem to find my way out of the paper bag. The opening keeps closing letting in only a crack of light

I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how I stand on my own two feet most days.

I cried like I never cried before. I cried with huge tears and massive sobs. This outburst caused a panic attack and an asthma attack all at once. I had to go to my house for the 1st time alone... with out my children. I wanted to die. I have failed my babies and there they were safe with their daddy, but not with their mommy.

I am void of emotion today. An automaton just going through the programmed motions of the day. Knowing to slap on a smile when necessary to avoid the unwanted "Manda, you OK? you don't seem yourself today" questions.

I have no appetite though I made myself eat. I feel empty but with slight excitement to see my sweet chipmunk's faces after work. It is all that is keeping me going right now.

How did I not think it would kill me this much?