This page is the transcript for "Eileen Flat Screen".

(At City College, a billboard reads "Modern Dance Competition Today". Eileen performs an interpretive-type dance in a pink suit with the audience, including Mordecai, Rigby, and CJ watching. After the dance ended with Eileen diving into a garbage can to set off a party popper, the audience excitedly cheers for her. The Announcer appears on stage)

Announcer: (laughs) Okay; Let me get a "honk-honk" in here 'cause you goosed it!

(A guy managing the soundboard honks his horn twice, prompting the goose to fly away from the announcer.)

Announcer: It's time to announce the winner of the City College Modern Dance Competition. (A pigeon flies by to give the man an envelope.) Now, I don't want to "pigeon-hold" anyone, but first place today goes to Eileen Roberts with the dance "Chewed Gum"!

(Eileen screams excitedly and runs on the stage. The audience cheers.)

Announcer: To say you blew away the competition wouldn't be Ostrich (a stretch)! (Eileen squeals/screams again) Let's see how well you dance after a year of sitting in front of your very own flat screen T.V.!

Eileen: (joyous squeal) This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Mordecai, Rigby, and CJ: Ei-leen flat-screen! Ei-leen flat-screen!

Announcer: Thanks for coming everyone and for all of you losers today, don't Rooster (Brewster) on your laurels 'cuz there's always next year! (The announcer pulls out a rooster and it crows.)

(At the entrance)

CJ: Eileen, that was awesome!

Mordecai: Yeah! I knew you were going to win when you came out of that gum wrapper.

Rigby: Nice work, Eiloin!

Eileen: (blushes) Heh heh. Thanks, guys. Aah! I was never into T.V. before, but that was just cause I didn't have the right equipment. I wish I could go watch it right now, but I got to get to work.

Rigby: Don't worry about it Eileen. I'll drop it off at your place for ya.

Eileen: Really?

Rigby: Yeah, of course!

Eileen: Wow, thanks Rigby! I gotta run, see you guys later!

CJ: Bye!

Mordecai: Later!

Rigby: Give me a hand with this, will ya Mordecai?

Mordecai: (lifts TV box) That was really nice of you to offer to help Eileen.

Rigby: Well, I'm not actually gonna drop it off.

Mordecai: (drops box after hearing this) What?! Rigby... Eileen worked hard for this, you can't just-

Rigby: No! I'm not just gonna drop it off. I'm gonna install it for her, to surprise her when she gets home from work.

CJ: (exchanges looks with Mordecai) You are?

Rigby: We can watch some flat-screen, maybe get some pizza. It'll be awesome!

CJ: That will be awesome!

Mordecai: That might be the nicest thing you've ever done.

Rigby: Like you said, she worked hard for this. Be careful Mordecai, there's a step behind you.

Mordecai: Okay. That's enough dude. You're freaking me out.

(Circle-wipe transfers to the guys at Eileen's house)

Rigby: Hang on, let me get the key. (He grabs Eileen's key under a garden turtle figurine)

Mordecai: You know where Eileen keeps her house key?

Rigby: Yeah, I water her plants sometimes when she goes out of town for a dance invitational or whatever.

(He unlocks the door, and they went inside to find a Hanatronic TV sitting on top of a cabinet)

CJ: Wait, I thought Eileen didn't have a TV.

Rigby: Oh, yeah. That's Joanne's.

Mordecai: Who's Joanne?

Rigby: Eileen's new roommate. She's this beast who leaves all her junk everywhere and uses Eileen's hand towels to dry her butt.

CJ: (grabs a snow globe with Joanne kissing her cat inside it) Is this her?

(She hands over the snow globe to Rigby)

Rigby: Ugh, yeah! That's her alright. (He stares angrily at the snow globe) What a donkey! You know she ate an entire thing of Eileen's peanut butter but she won't even let her near the TV? One time we were just hangin' out...

(Flashback begins with him and Eileen sitting on her couch. Eileen is doing string figures with her fingers while Rigby checks his watch as it beeps)

Rigby: (gasps) It's starting! The Carter and Briggs Reunion Special! (He rushes to the TV to turn it on, but Eileen stops him)

Eileen: Wait, Rigby, don't!....Not here.

Rigby: But there's a TV sitting in front of us and a Carter and Briggs Special going on inside it!

Eileen: Aahh....ooh...

Rigby: Eileen, come on! Throw a rig a bone!

Eileen: (sigh) (uneasily) Okay, I guess since Joanne's out of town it'll be alright?

(As she turns on the TV with a remote, Joanne appeared besides the couch)

Joanne: I knew it!

Eileen: Joanne! I thought you were at the beach!

Joanne: I was at the beach, until I realized something like this might happen! How could I enjoy the surf and sun knowing you could be here, messing with my TV?!

Eileen: I'm sorry! I didn't think it- (Joanne slaps the remote away as she gasps)

Joanne: Next time, that remote will be your face. To clarify, next time I'll slap your face.

(Flashback ends to the snow globe)

Rigby: I didn't even make that up, that's exactly what happened. (Hands CJ back the snow globe)

CJ: Ok, sooo I guess we shouldn't touch any of Joanne's stuff. (Sets snow globe down)

Rigby: Yeah, I think we just put the flat screeeeenn...(looks around)...on the wall over here, it'll be cool!

Mordecai: (walks over towards Joanne's T.V.) I can't believe she still has one of these junky old Hanatronic's. (looks closely at it) This must be first generation it's so old.

Rigby: I told ya she's a beast. Her T.V.'s probably too scared to die on her. Let me just grab my tools so we can get mounting. (Rock music plays as Rigby's tool belt is shown on his waist)

CJ: Wow, Rigby those almost look real. (CJ and Mordecai then laugh softly together)

Mordecai: (points at Rigby's rope whip, still laughing softly) What's up with the whip?

Rigby: (annoyed) It's my utility whip! It was a thousand uses. (Smiles while looking at it) Eileen and I got it at a Renaissance fair.

Mordecai: When did you go to a Ren. fair? (puts wings up) And why are you two always hanging out without me?!

Rigby: You and CJ are always together doing your thing! What am I supposed to do, hang out by myself?!

CJ: (Pushes Mordecai away from Rigby) Hey, hey, cool it. (Seriously) Rigby, show us your whipping skills.

Mordecai: (annoyed) Hehe, yeah Rigby, whip it out.

Rigby: (mischievously) With pleasure. (He takes it out and whips) WhaCHA! (It whips the snow globe, breaking it. The three stand there, speechless) Uuuuuhhh, let's focus on putting up that flat screen.

(A montage begins. Mordecai and CJ pull out the T.V. from the box, then Rigby pulls out a small bag of nails and bolts. Then he starts playing with a hammer, when it hits him in the face, then he puts it away. CJ is shown making a small hole in the wall using a drill. The hole soon gives in and creates a bigger one. Rigby pulls out a bucket of plaster. Mordecai hands him a scraper, but he turns it down and instead uses his whip to get it on the hole. In the process, CJ and Mordecai get covered in it as well. Mordecai starts to put the mantle up, when he points towards a screwdriver. He gestures to Rigby to get it and Rigby uses his whip to pass it. The screwdriver ends up above Mordecai's head. Then he gives Rigby an angry glare and they start to argue. Later, Rigby puts the screws in and CJ puts up more of the mantle. They take a break and goof off for a bit. They put empty plaster buckets on their heads. CJ does the robot, Mordecai holds a broom, and Rigby whips his rope whip around. Finally they put the T.V. up)

Mordecai, Rigby, and CJ: Eileen flat screeeeeeeenn!

Rigby: Now to plug it in and try it out. (He picks up the plug and is about to plug it into the outlet, when he notices that Joanne's T.V.'s plug is taking up the whole outlet) (annoyed) UGH! Joanne's giant plug is pluggin' up the whole plug!

CJ: Just move it down to the bottom, they'll both fit. (Rigby is about to move the plug, but he hears Joanne's voice in his mind)

Joanne's voice: (Softer and softer, echoing) I'll slap your face, face, face.

Rigby: (nervous) Isn't there another outlet in here?

Mordecai: (kneels down under the computer desk) This one's looks kinda full....

Rigby: (annoyed) Alright, whatever! I'm not gonna be threatened by some socket hog! (Rearranges the plugs, now happier) And that's that. (Then Joanne shows up at the door, angry)

Joanne: What are you doing?!

Rigby: (faces her) AAHH! JOANNE!

Joanne: Did you touch my T.V.?

Rigby: No

Joanne: (walks towards him, jabs finger into chest) You better not, because the hand that touches my T.V., is a hand you'll never get back. And by that, I mean I'm ripping it off your body and keeping it.

Rigby: Look Joanne, I didn't-

Joanne: What's that?

Rigby: (covering the outlet) What's what?

Joanne: (walks forward) Move it, shrimp!

Rigby: No, wait! (Joanne shoves him, then notices the moved plugs)

Joanne: I KNEW IT! You mess with my T.V., I mess with yours! (jumps onto the flat screen on the wall, takes it down, and runs away with it)

Rigby: (worried) NO, NOT THE FLAT SCREEN!

Mordecai: (Joanne runs out the door, Mordecai runs after her but stops at the doorway) (yelling) Joanne, stop! We can talk this out! (After a couple seconds, he turns toward CJ and Rigby) (frantic) She's already halfway up the street.

Joanne: (Joanne is seen running past house after house. She then runs towards an old man in his car) Get out.

Old man: (worried) Is everything alright?

Joanne: (angry) I said get out!! (pulls the old guy out the car window, shoves him on the sidewalk.)

Old man: Aaaaahh!!! OWW!....Don't hurt me. (Joanne puts the flat screen in the car, gets in the driver's seat and drives away)

Mordecai: (back at Eileen's house, at the car) Come on Rigby, let's go! (Sees Rigby carrying Joanne's T.V.) Dude, why are you bringing that thing?!

Rigby: (with Joanne's T.V.) If she's gonna mess with Eileen's flat screen, we're gonna mess with her Hanatronic! (Puts the T.V. in the back and gets in the car after it. CJ backs the car up and drives down the road)

Joanne: (Joanne sees them in her rearview mirror) (angry) OOOOHH, Joanne's gonna slap a face today! (speeds up and breaths angrily)

CJ: Where is she even going?!

Rigby: There's no way to know. She doesn't think like the rest of us. Just follow her! (Joanne takes a sharp right. CJ follows her)

Joanne: (notices that they are still following her) UUUUUGGGHHH! (Pulls out a bottle of "Anti-Itch Medication Lotion" and chucks it out the window)

Mordecai: (sees it coming towards the windshield) Look out! (Impacts with the windshield and smears all over it)

Mordecai and CJ: AAAAHHH!

CJ: (uses windshield wipers and clears it off. Glares) Nice try.

Rigby: (notices a pair of dentures coming at them) TEETH! TEETH!

Mordecai, Rigby, and CJ: WooooAAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! OOOF! (CJ swerves to the left, causing the car to crash in a bush) Uuuuuuuuhhhh...

CJ: What happened? Where'd she go?

Mordecai: (points) There she is, on the bridge! (Joanne is seen on the bridge's ledge, about to throw the flat screen down to the river below. The three run towards her, Rigby with Joanne's T.V. as well)

Rigby: Joanne! Stop!

Joanne: (still very angry) I'll teach you to mess with other people's stuff!

Rigby: (puts the T.V. down on the bridge's ledge and speaks in a negotiating manner) Come on Joanne! (Goes into the old guys car and pulls out an air horn. He uses it while speaking) Let's take it easy with the flat screen.

Joanne: GRRRRR!!

Rigby: We were wrong to touch your T.V., okay? Haven't you ever made a mistake before?

Joanne: Only mistake I made, was leaving my T.V. alone with that no respect moochwad Eileen.

Rigby: GRRRRRR!...(sighs) (cools himself down then speaks calmly into the air horn again) Heeeyy, loook. I know you wouldn't want anything to happen to your T.V., just like we wouldn't want anything to happen to Eileen's T.V. (Stops speaking into the air horn and speaks just with his voice. Joanne still looks angry) I get it Joanne. This thing has been your best friend since you were a baby. It entertained you when you were bored, it made you laugh when you were sad, and maybe, just maybe, it helps you forget for a minute that you are a hideous monster. (Joanne glares and growls at Rigby) What do ya say Joanne? Let's just swap T.V.s and move on, ok? (Speaks into the air horn again) No one needs to get hurt here.

Joanne: (looks at the flat screen) Grrrrrr....(sighs) Ok.

Rigby: Ok. (Puts down air horn and gets onto ledge. Is about to take the T.V., but Joanne chucks it down to the ground below) AAAHH!!

Mordecai and CJ: (slow motion) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Rigby: (deep voice, fastly) Eileen's T.V. that she won at a dance competitiiioooooonnnn!!!! (quickly pulls out rope whip and whipps towards it. The rope latches onto it, saving it. Things are silent) (sigh of relief) That was close!

CJ: Woah, Rigby!

Mordecai: Nice whip action!

Joanne: Ugh, whatever, just give me my T.V back! (at that moment, the wind blows it off and it plummets to the river. It breaks) AaaaaahhhhoooooooooAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!! (falls on her knees and puts fists in the air)

CJ: (looks at Mordecai) She really liked that old T.V., huh? (Then a ghost comes out of the T.V.)

Joanne: Oh no! The ghost of my family's inheritance lawyer! (The ghost makes a ghost phone appear) NOOO!!

Ghost Lawyer: (dials a number) ....She failed, sir.

Joanne: (covers her face and starts to break down. A black limo then arrives, and her grandpa comes out)

Grandpa Hanatronic: (angry) JOANNE! What have you done?!

Joanne: Grandpa Hanatronic, I can explain!

Mordecai: Wait, is your last name Hanatronic?

Joanne: Uh yeah, hello? Joanne Hanatronic, heir to the Hanatronic Television Dynasty!

CJ: (To Rigby, annoyed) Did you know that was her name?

Rigby: (shrugs) I just thought it was a weird coincidence!

Grandpa Hanatronic: ENOUGH! Why is our priceless family television sitting at the bottom of this river?!

Joanne: (slowly) It's stiiill........gooood. (A bird is shown eating on the cord)

Grandpa Hanatronic: (nods disapprovingly) You have disgraced the family name. Now, you must give up your modern lifestyle and by that I mean the shared rental unit you inhabit with that commoner.

Joanne: NOOOOOO!!!!

Grandpa Hanatronic: (Points to the open limo door) Get in the limo!

Joanne: (Walks to the limo and gets inside) UGH! Are all my horses still there?

Grandpa Hanatronic: They are. (Gets in as well)

Joanne: (grunt) (Grandpa Hanatronic shuts the door and the limo drives away)

Rigby: Wait, what just happened here?!

Ghost Lawyer: (makes ghost noises as he floats to them) I'm glaaaaaad you aaaaassssked. When Joanne asked to live on her own amongst the, shall we say, "lower classes", we allowed it, as long as she continue to protect the family's most prized heirloom, the original television her family's company produced. (The T.V. is shown, irreparably broken) In retrospect, we probably should've kept it in a safe. (Shows the lawyer again) As a result, she will no longer inherit the company.

CJ: What's gonna happen to her?

Ghost Lawyer: She will be punished with a life of opulence and leisure at the Hanatronic family manor. (Ghost noises) (fastly) She'll be fine. (Snaps and disappears) (The T.V. is shown to be shattered into pieces by a gust of wind. It then becomes part of the wind. The three look down at it as this happens)

CJ: Now I get why she didn't want you touching her stuff.

(Scene cuts back to Eileen's house. They put the T.V. back on the wall just as Eileen walks in)

Eileen: What's going on?

Mordecai, Rigby, and CJ: SURPRISE!

Rigby: Check it out, Eileen! Your T.V.'s all set up! (rap voice) Don't worry about the installs, it's ready for your eyeballs!

Eileen: (same tone) NU-UUUUHH! (normal voice, but surprised) You guys didn't have to go to so much trouble! Thank you!!

Mordecai: It was all Rigby's idea.

Eileen: (blushes) Really?

Rigby: And as an added bonus, Joanne's not your roommate anymore!

Eileen: (To her self, does a fist pump) Yesssss! (To everyone) I mean, uh, that's cool too.

Rigby: (hands remote to Eileen) Care to do the honors? (Eileen turns the T.V. on. The news is airing)

Phil: And now let's hear from some holiday shoppers down at the Mall.

Grumpy Old Lady: Lines are long.

Brown Haired Lady: (while holding dog) It's too crowded and it smells weird.

Orange Haired Guy: Hey Mom! Look, I'm on T.V.!

Eileen: AAAHH! The local news! This is the best surprise ever!

Mordecai: Well, we wanted to order a pizza and have it ready for you when you got here, but we didn't plan ahead.

Rigby: (smirking) Or did we? (doorbell rings)

Pizza Guy: (just voice) Pizza guy!

CJ: (happy) Woah, Rigby! Impressive.

Mordecai: (happy as well) (CJ nods approvingly) Seriously! This was all really cool. I'm proud of you man.

Rigby: Thanks, Mordecai!....Now, can I borrow some money for the pizza guy?

Mordecai: Pffftt. I guess things are back to normal.

Mordecai, Rigby, CJ, and Eileen: Hahahahahaha!

Eileen: If this is normal, then I'm really happy with normal. (Rigby and Eileen smile at each other)

Pizza Guy: (knocks this time) ....Uuuuuhh, hellooo?

Rigby: Oh, uh, we'll get that, heh. (Goes to the front door with Mordecai)

CJ: (To Eileen) Should I grab some plates?

Eileen: I've got some soda in the fridge! (CJ and Eileen go into the kitchen) (No one is in the living room while the T.V. is still on)

Old Grey Haired Man: Can you tell me how to get outta here?

Margaret: Haha, looks like the usual holiday craziness, Phil! From The Two Pines Mall, this is Margaret Smith reporting live.

Phil: Stay warm out there, Margaret!

Margaret: Thanks, Phil. It's good to be back in town!

(End of "Eileen Flat Screen")
