tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post1787796485557227883..comments2020-05-27T19:34:14.726-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Publishing: 1st 5 Pages Workshop - September Entry #3 Rev 2Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-44155952155281770582011-09-21T10:07:01.859-04:002011-09-21T10:07:01.859-04:00Sydney, never more than inches from my legs, pante...Sydney, never more than inches from my legs, panted. His bobbed tail which looked like a powder puff, wiggled --&gt; Rephrase.<br /><br /><br />His gold eyes gave a saddened look and his floppy ears drooped. --&gt; His golden. eyes looked at me sadly and his floppy ears drooped.<br /><br />He worried, too. --&gt; He was worried, too.<br /><br />“Load em up’. --&gt; “Load &#39;em up.&quot; Watch your quotation marks and dialogue punctuation.<br /><br /><br /><br />I noticed her eyes matched her new top, but I wasn&#39;t going to tell her. --&gt; Are you saying she has new contacts that match her top, or that her top suited her eye color?<br /><br />I know the tense-shifts are a pain, and I do know you&#39;re trying to beat them into submission, but keep poking at them.<br /><br />Otherwise, I agree with Martina and Sarah.K.S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04173383193490894482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-19609448171600128212011-09-19T12:14:16.457-04:002011-09-19T12:14:16.457-04:00There are places here where I feel like you&#39;re...There are places here where I feel like you&#39;re missing opportunities by telling when you could be showing.<br /><br /><i>I wondered then if we’d still be ‘BFF’. Maybe, I&#39;m just supposed to be with dogs. I certainly understood them better than girls my own age.</i><br />This seems huge. It also seems like what your book is trying to show. I guess the unraveling of the friendship is happening really fast in this first chapter and with very little for the reader to go on. Makes me wonder if the friendship was strong to begin with. I think there are higher stakes and opportunities for tension if she is ignorant of any change in their friendship until you get a chance to show it. Show us how strong the bond is before you pick it apart.<br /><br />Then she can turn more to the dogs for comfort and friendship. Then you have the increasing tension and ticking clock in when Sydney has to go to his new owner. That all depends on if this is the heart of your story, of course.<br /><br />I dont think you need: <i>They&#39;re just normal active dogs.</i> You show that.<br /><br /><i>She preceded to tell me about each outfit. Then changed subjects.</i> Should be &#39;proceeded&#39; and perhaps one sentence.<br /><br />Why would Sydney herd Jake? Sydney was being good staying in the garage. Trina didn&#39;t signal for herding.<br /><br />Where is the back doorway? They were in the driveway, then went into the house. Jake has a leash on now. Then both dogs run through the back doorway to the garage? How long is that leash? I think the leash is going to get in the way here. Maybe she pulls him back into the house by the collar instead of clipping on a leash? Why wouldn&#39;t she just go right back to the car? Why go through the house?<br /><br />Sarah&#39;s house is across the street and they had to drive to it? If the street is not busy enough for Jake to get hit by car while standing in the middle of it, I don&#39;t feel it&#39;s busy enough for them to have to drive across to talk to Sarah. And why is she only seeing Sarah for the first time when they drive across the street?<br /><br />Lots of good bones here. Great tension and conflict possibilities.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-53096635919038206252011-09-19T12:04:34.036-04:002011-09-19T12:04:34.036-04:00There is a bit of telling I think you can lose tha...There is a bit of telling I think you can lose that will tighten this up. Things like: &quot;Sarah definitely had different ideas about our beach trip.&quot; We get from the surrounding info. Also the flipping from past to present in the first couple of paragraphs is jolting. I still enjoy the parts with Sarah. I was still feeling like there was too much description with the dogs, but I think Martina nailed it by saying it isn&#39;t clear exactly what the goal and consequences are. If I worry about her dog being taken from her, you&#39;ve got me.Lisa Gail Greenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03648323153868702165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8005062827798430682.post-64830622601738340542011-09-19T11:51:17.887-04:002011-09-19T11:51:17.887-04:00Hi Sheri, This may possibly be a personal prefere...Hi Sheri,<br /><br />This may possibly be a personal preference on my part, but I can&#39;t help still feeling that we are losing the heart of the story a bit in what is still a lot of information about the dogs. Please consider:<br /><br />1) Could you get us to the beach must faster so the two friends are together and then give us their backgrounds and personalities more organically as part of action?<br /><br />2) Could you make it clearer from the beginning that Sarah is coming with Trina&#39;s family instead of the other way around? The way the narrative unfolds here, Trina&#39;s question of whether the dogs can be good makes it seem as if they are going to need to be on their best behavior because they are visiting with another family--rather than renting a house. This way, there doesn&#39;t seem to be any consequences for them not being good, so I wonder why she is having the conversation. There&#39;s the line about Syd&#39;s trainer, and Jake being good, but I don&#39;t understand the relationship enough to see the connection. Maybe that&#39;s the problem. Could you clarify the situation more directly? Give us the set up, set her goal, give us a little more hint of how the obstacles you&#39;ve already set up, i.e- Jake&#39;s personality and Sarah&#39;s interest in boys, are potentially going to complicate that, and what the consequences of failure (stakes) might be. Yes, we know she wants to keep Jake, but why does *this* week matter? What&#39;s different about *this* week?<br /><br />I hope this makes sense.<br /><br />3) Can you find a way to resolve your tense shifts at the beginning?<br /><br />4) Consider showing us more of the conversations between her and Sarah, both the phone and the final meeting, and making the worry over their common interests more directly part of one of those two conversations.<br /><br />Good progress! Looking forward to the next round!<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />MartinaMartina Boonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.com