Thursday, 31 May 2007

Why Girls take so long in Public Toilets

Christine tells you "Why girls take so long in public toilets,"

You might have seen this, but just in case you haven't it made me cry
laughing because its so true!

When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women
waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally
gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
woman leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door wont lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the position".

In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a new roll behind you no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.
If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
Yes, - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece ofgum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so you run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand blower which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck? This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and italso answers that commonly asked question why do women always go to the loos in pairs?
It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass your tissue under the door!


Jim said...

must u repeat shit posts

Vest said...

Jim, Johnny be good, Pat the Pirate, Julie, Anon, AKA Saby.

Instead of this inane illogical jumble of worthless info spelled out in your usual barrage of sordid all purpose adjectives, why not give up your other obsession trying to re-invent the wheel and put your hand at writing about pleasantries and all the other nice things bloggers say to each other.
Thanks for the plug. HANDDH

Anonymous said...

oh my god, really

Anonymous said...

In Goa we had invented the recycling toilet

a pig was kept in the toilet starved

the moment u pooped he ate it all up and even licked your ass dry

then when the pig put on weight
we ate the pig

i hope this info makes u sick
its the truth

i didnt make this up
ask the old timer goans
they will vouch for it

Anonymous said...

and after you ate the pig yet another pig ate the excrement you created, how disgusting.

Anonymous said...

So true!

Vest said...

Yuk yuk Yuk, I shall not be putting any pork on my fork until this is erased from my memory

S.M. Elliott said...

It's an ordeal, let me tell you. Men have it so easy, with the stand 'n' squirt option.

Vest said...

SME: surely ladies must fire at point blank range, its simply impossible to miss.

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