Stone Soup for Five: Raising teens into adults -- spiral notebook edition

Raising teens into adults -- spiral notebook edition

The Beginning:
When my boys hit their teen years I became increasingly bothered by the fact that they were not striving to discipline themselves in good habits that would be essential for adulthood.  For example,  in the summers they wanted nothing more than to sleep till noon, drag themselves to the table to eat a box of cereal with a gallon of milk (each!) and then go straight to video games.  I tried lecturing (they love that, always wanting to hear words of wisdom from mom), venting my frustration, piling on chores, requiring lists of things done first, but it was always a fight.  And I was so tired of fighting over all the things.  So while I wondered what about what would work, I kept listening to the motivational podcasts and books that I was reading for my own personal growth, and started to see some key habits that almost every successful person does each day.

The notebooks:
So being the jump-in-with-both-feet person that I am, I grabbed a cheap spiral notebook and listed some habits these successful people did almost every day and saw a lot of them were the same.

I made a list of a few of them and told the boys the reason behind what I was doing, the successful people who have all made these things a habit, and asked them if they agreed that these were important areas to work on. (a reluctant "ya... I guess...")

I wanted them to get into the habit of thinking about what they should do every day, not work through yet another chore chart or checklist.  I told them that I was very rarely, if ever, going to write what they should do in each category (except for the help at home category).  It was pretty much up to them.  I also said that I was willing to change whatever they thought was not important --if they could give me a good reason and example of why they didn't need it.  And you know what was surprising, even my most reluctant son agreed that he didn't want to be the kind of person who never did these things as an adult.  (We're always talking about how good habits and responsibilities don't suddenly form at 18 or 21 years old, they start NOW.)

We did tweak a few items that were confusing or redundant, and we ended up with a do-able list, a little different for each son.  (Yes, I still get sighs and some days I get attitude, but for the most part, this has been a great method for us.)  I just want to get them thinking about being a responsible adult and what that looks like.

The categories:
Each son has a little different list, depending on issues I see in their lives.  But each boy's list has the same key areas:

Help at home (for this sometimes I'll list a chore, or sometimes I'll leave it blank for them to choose something to do.)

Some of the categories that vary:
Financial (this applies to the boys that have a job)
Self-care (for when they were learning to remember deodorant, brushing teeth, shaving)
Goals (could be financial goals, grade goals, things they want to attain, etc)
Move Out Plan (this wasn't on the list for my oldest, but I can see where it would be useful to keep in the front of their mind. What are they actively doing to plan to move out?)
Quotes (sometimes I have them read an article I print off like this one, or this one and write out a quote or thought they liked from it.)

Their job:
I write the categories in on 5 pages, one for each weekday (I might streamline this later, but for now it only takes me a couple minutes and allows for flexibility to add things as they come up).  They are to write down what, specifically, they do in that area.  Just checking it off is not allowed.  That's it.  If they don't do it, they leave it blank.  If they want to do something (play video games, go hang out with friends) I usually ask them if their list is done.

End of week review  --This part is crucial.  Don't skip!
The key to keeping this working well is not to put too much pressure on them.  At the end of the week, usually Sunday, I'll pull their notebooks out and ask them how they did.  Every few weeks, I'll even have them flip through the last few weeks and rate themselves on a 1-5 scale.  1 being I did nothing, 5 being I did above and beyond, and 3 is I did about as much as most people.

When we do the review, I tell them it's not a blame or condemnation time.  It's a time to review your performance like an adult, see where you did well, see what you need to change, and brainstorm how to do it differently if you want different results.  We talk over the categories and if they see others they know that are doing these successfully or if they think they are important to adults and I always try to be open to changing things as long as they can state a good case for it (not "it's stupid").  This is not a time for punishment or taking away privileges, but just talking about our struggles (mine too!) and learning what works, and what doesn't.

Of course we don't always do this, some weeks are just too crazy, but for the most part it has been instrumental in helping them get important things done without too much griping.  (P.S. It works well as a personal checkup for me too!)

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  1. My kids are still you (boys are aged 6 and 4, my girl is 3 years old), and I've recently become more aware of how self-centered and lazy they are! I know that a lot of this is due to the inherent sin nature, but some is a result of me being a mom who does almost everything for her kids. I want to change this and we are working on teaching them how to help around the house, earn money, etc. I'm definitely needing to pray about how to shift their focus from "self" to "others". I'm bookmarking this so that I can revisit it in a few years - right now, I need to teach them household tasks and self-care with a checklist, and I hope that I am able to see when it is time to let them make those choices. Thank you for sharing this, Kari!

  2. Love this idea and will be implementing it with my 17 and 14 year old sons. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Us moms of teen boys need to stick together! :) Glad I could help!

  3. I had a goal when my children were still young that by the time they were 16 they should be able to live fairly independently and make their own choices but contribute to the household as a full member. We didn't charge them rent but in lieu of rent they had a certain amount of time they had to put in contributing. Of course they knew the reason for this and they understood. We didn't stop them from going out anytime but Saturday night if they hadn't finished their "time" for the week. They soon learned that most fun things happened Saturday and that maybe they should do their "time" earlier in the week. We helped them see if they did a little bit each day, it really wasn't much but if they left it all for Saturday evening and then a friend called, it was a lot to do before they had to go if they even could go. I never gave them specific 'chores' to do but gave them suggestions if they asked. I wanted them to learn to look and see what needed doing. We started when they were about 13 with a lot of help and it continued to be more and more until they moved out. I said we wanted them to be independent by 16 because then we knew by the time they moved out they were ready. At 16 they made their own appointments, came to parent/teacher interviews and ran them, made a meal plan if they offered to cook a meal and maybe even grocery shopped for it (I paid), etc. They could do it with their parents support for 2(ish) years instead of being on their own and having to do it for the first time. My kids are all grown up now and there have been a bump or two but for the most part they are confident and call home to say hi, instead of how do I. I feel like this was pretty successful.

    I wish I had thought of some of the categories you had with spiritual and physical. I think those would have been amazing to have added to our weekly requirements. Thanks so much for your blog and bible studies.

  4. Oh my goodness, Kari! I was losing my ever loving mind this morning...4 kids all fighting and yelling and refusing to do anything and me feeling like a total mom failure. And here you go and share this incredible idea. I grabbed four notebooks and made the lists. They are responsible for their own actions now and the rewards (or consequences).

    1. WOOT!! I'd love to hear how it goes and if you add or change anything!


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