Review: Pet Sematary Remake -- sometimes leaving it alone is better

This would've been better if they'd deaded the idea of a remake.

Goddammit. Why?

Apparently having run out of ideas, Hollywood continues to vomit on the classics -- even modern classics -- with remakes of movies that, to me, feel like they just came out relatively recently (as in, within the last 30 years or so). But since apparently fucktards think that a lot of time has passed just because we went from fliphones to...phones that fold (and then crack) we have to remake everything.

It was bad enough when someone had the thought "hey, you know that guy HITCHCOCK? let's REMAKE ONE OF HIS MOVIES" because, you know, why would Hitchcock be any good at it? That Psycho remake was an abomination of epic proportions from the fact that it was in color to the fact that they decided to make Norman a faggot. THE ORIGINAL NORMAN WAS A MOMMA'S BOY NOT A HOMOSEXUAL. He existed before homosexuals were even publicly...oh, nevermind.

Back to this abortion. So right off the top, a few things: apparently, unsatisfied with watching the tension of moments play out these folks decided they had to change the way the movie went completely. That's right, the people that died before don't die this time. Others die instead. And then everyone dies. Except, of course, they're not dead. 

Lithgow, god love him, is able to save some semblance of quality for the film in his scenes because he is in fact haggard and old at this point and knows how to dramatize what he's got but even he wasn't as good as the original that played his role (the late great Fred Gwynne). Details matter: Fred played it the way that you'd feel if someone who you've never seen emotionally breakdown suddenly did so. Think of your dad (does anyone have dads anymore?) or someone like that breaking down. It's shocking and disorienting and heartbreaking once you get to that. Fred played it that way. Lithgow plays it more straight fearful but then he's a softer man. Hell, I guess everyone is as time goes on.

The most uncanny aspect was the casting of the little boy given the premise of the movie that the dead don't stay dead in that he looked VERY similar to the little boy in the original. Uncanny indeed.

But aside from that, the movie makes all the same mistakes that bad comics make, bad pro wrestlers, bad storytellers, etc. etc. and that is to jump right in to the spots without first establishing a persona and point of view so that WE CARE. I realize it's very hip to NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING (or pretend not to) but in fact, we do function that way. I know, it sucks. But it's true. We are hurt when something/one we CARE ABOUT is taken from us/harmed. We don't otherwise care. We can be surprised, wowed, flabbergasted. But we can't be MOVED if you're killing someone I don't even give a shit about. 

Even the cheap, OBVIOUS choice of killing THE MOST VULNERABLE INNOCENT member is...sidestepped and instead they kill someone else. Why? Presumably in order TO BE DIFFERENT. You know: CHANGE. That seems to be where we are now. Change for it's own sake. That's imbecilic enough when run as a political campaign but as art it's downright tedious. 

I do have to admit one thing: I bitched about the Psycho remake because it was a scene for scene remake and I thought well if you're going to remake something why do it like that I've already seen the original at least change it around. Welp, this movie has shown me that that sucks too. Either way, it's pretty stupid. The only remake that comes to mind that I enjoyed was Cape Fear and that's because it really was moved from a black and white era into a full color modern era. But not for the sake of change, and not for technological reasons. Same with The Jazz Singer. So remakes can work. But not to show off that you are going to swerve me or to be so clever as to have the trucker distracted by...wait for it: A CELL PHONE. How modern!

How fucking tedious. At no point in this movie was I filled with dread, heartbreak, fear, or any other emotion other than annoyance. There was one moment of emotion when Lithgow gets his achilles sliced. That was as painful to watch as the original. But that was one (and I guess, the best) moment.

The guy I went with had to periodically ask who characters were or what their motivations were about because of how poorly the movie established, well, ANYTHING. It starts much too quickly, way before we care about anyone, and proceeds much too fast. And in the end, we feel nothing.