Thursday, July 18, 2013

Advice Column: Keep Your Game Tight

Hey GG peeps,

Been reading y'all's blog since a friend of mine introduced it to me nearly a year ago. I always get a kick out of your real talk and straightforward approach to things, and Cat Woman reminds me of an ex I had that stalked me everywhere and just happened to be into guinea pigs instead of cats. Wait, what? Anyway, I seem to have a bit of an issue that doesn't concern THAT chick.

I've been in and out of the dating game for the past year, and it took me a little while to get over a traumatic relationship I had last year. Y'know the usual: hitting up bars, the occasional date, hookup every now and then, etc. However, I seem to hit a snag. I'm a serial dater, and I let whomever I date know this. I'm always direct with my intentions so no shit gets mixed up. However, I'm in college. Most of these girls are 18 to 20-something. They're so used to the gamey bullshit that it's actually having the opposite effect of what I think: I'm getting less dates (and in essence less pussy). Any pointers, advice, or at least a fresh perspective?

Thanks guys,
An Asian with a lack of persuasion

Dear No Long Duck Dong,

First off, I only know one Asian with any kind of persuasion that wasn’t in the form of a mathematical equation and that dudes name was Jack. He was a slayer of pussy and from what I heard, had the biggest wang-chung of any Chinaman in all of South Florida. I was never really sure how he got women, because I never saw him actually kick his game to the sluts, but I can only guess that he just whipped out his dragon-cock and the bitches bowed down to the master. Dude was a black belt in fucking.

What we (because we did pass this around the lunch table) don’t get is what the fuck are you trying to say that you need help with? You like bitches with guinea pigs, just got out of a traumatic relationship and now you can’t get 18-20 year olds to understand that you're just trying to get your dick wet. It's not like you're trying to take that bitch to Jared or even to fucking Burger King after you have given her a ride on the Oriental Pound Town Express.

Um.... HELLLLLLLLLLO, these are 18-20 year old bitches we are talking about. Not Mensa candidates. When I was 18-20, all I gave a fuck about was going to the club, taking shots of Jager like a motherfucker and moonwalking the night away. I wasn’t trying to find some broad who liked me enough so I could put a ring on it. I was trying to find a broad who liked me enough so I could take a body shot off her then slip 'n slide down her Raging Waters.

It's cool that you're a "serial dater". I was just like you back in my college days, but I was more like a  "serial fucker". I was slangin' and bangin' pussy like it was a game of Dungeons & Dragons. Wait, what?!

There are rules when it comes to your situation. Ones that either make or break how much or how little ass you get. It's not rocket science. Hell, it's less difficult than a game of Candy Crush...which btw, to all my friends who keep sending me game request on Facebook...STOP THAT SHIT. Does it look like I got time to play that shit?!

Check it.

Rule #1: NEVER be upfront from the get-go.

Congrats on being that guy who doesn't play games and let's bitches know what the fuck is up. And as much as I want to give you props, I'm not because that is some Mickey Mouse bullshit you're bringing to the table. See, it's never a bad thing to be honest. I'm honest all the goddamn time. How-the-fuck-ever, I'm honest when the time is right. Just because you tell a bitch you're a serial dater while going on some diatribe of horseshit on what your intentions are, means absolutely donkey dick. Reason being, you sound like a slap dick motherfucker who can't maintain anything longer than that hard-on you have while jerking off to a 5 minute video on Women who want a piece of ass don't need you to spout off your goddamn dating resume. They don't care. All they care about is what you're bringing to the fucking table right then and there. If shit clicks, you're golden and you're in pussy paradise by the end of the night. Women who want what YOU want, sense that shit in men. They aren't fucking stupid by any means. Ok, some are really fucking stupid. So for those chicks who are and give you an inkling of being a possible stalker or a "serial relationshiper," that's when you tell a broad how you roll. Make sense, playboy?  Moving on...

Rule #2: Act a fool, you'll look like a fool.

You're in college. That translates to tons of booze, drunk bitches, sex, douchebags, illegal acts and STD's. The reality is that in college, a good percentage of people don't have many morals. We all do dumb shit, date stupid fucking people, pity fuck the shit out of others and run with that "you only live once" mentality. Stick with that mentality but don't be so fucking stupid that you look like a complete fucking jackass. This goes back to Rule #1. No bitch cares about anything other than what's happening in the moment. Don't brag, act desperate, throw stupid ass lines...especially to a woman who knows how to play the game just as well as you do. Those bitches don't break and would rather fuck a dude who acts cool with a gap between his teeth than some motherfucker who acts like he's the shit. Sure those guys pull bitches too but look at the hoes they pull. Straight skanks who don't know sugar from shit. They may be fine as fuck but it's college. You trying to bang all kinds of pussy. Especially that humble kind. Talk about humble pie, right? You're welcome.

Rule #3: ADAPT, ADAPT, ADAPT to your surroundings.

You're in college so there's not much to adapt to when it comes to the bar/house party scene. That's why you MUST adapt to the pussy that surrounds you, playa. You gotta blend in with them vaginal sporting honeys. You gotta keep your game tight. You gotta not change who you are, rather, tend to those women whose legs you want to be in-between. If you're around chicks who like laughter, you better do your best Dave Chappelle impersonation. If these broads are a little more gothic and shit, cut your hand and start drinking blood motherfucker. Don't forget to offer that shit...don't be greedy. If they're into sports, talk stats, teams...anything that works well with the conversation. Bitches love that shit and appreciate it. If it's about past relationships, then walk a fine line here. If you got your heart broken, don't act like a pussy. Act like a guy who got hurt but is a better man for it. If you fucked up, say that shit and remind them you are a better man for it. Showing this side helps you do one thing - get pussy quick. Why? Because anytime a man can talk about past relationships, not sound like a bitch and actually be on a woman's level, you're golden, Pony Boy. Just be weary of those bitches who look at you with the "I think I'm in love with him...I want to have his baby" eyes. You're here to date, fuck or both. It's all good to make that clear but again, don't spout off your resume. Bitches DO NOT care.

Three rules. If you can't get 18-20 year old pussy based on these three things, then I'm gonna be honest and say you are a lost cause, homeboy. You're in a time of your life where this shit shouldn't be hard. Especially being in college. However, I get where you're coming from because I had a bit of a dry spell too. I mean, I wasn't telling bitches I was a serial dater and this and that...that's just fucking stupid. But I tried too hard and learned that's not the business.

Three rules. Stick with them. Don't alter them. Show me what you got. I expect a full report too.

Good luck and may the dick gods be with your Asian penis.



Anonymous said...

You are seriously THE TRUTH!!!!

Anonymous said...

Love you, GG. Marry me! ;)

Anonymous said...

Its weird when minorities don't recognize their own racism