



The first two:

  1. Do I know the couple’s negative cycle?
  2. Do they know their negative cycle? 


And then, a third question that I like to add:

  1. Do they feel their negative cycle in session?







  1. Do I know the cycle?
  2. Do they know the cycle?


10 thoughts on “Three Important Questions To Ask Yourself When You’re Lost

  1. Karyn, Congratulations on getting close to completing a novel! Thanks for another helpful post. I especially appreciate the better understanding of how enactments help them feel the cycle in the room and the value of them being able to feel, right now how they protect themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks so much for taking the time to reach out Mara! I’m so glad you found it helpful. Thanks for wanting to know more about the novel… it is of course, about relationships! I will post more about it soon. 🙂


  3. Great way to orient us, Karyn! You are so right – sometimes we just have to hit the “Home” button, and go back to the beginning. We can get busy working the 5 Step Tango and using the words “dance” and “cycle,” as we have them enact primary feelings to each other and then process the enactments. We can forget to zoom out and tie it up in a way that makes sense to us and the couple. Love this reminder of how important it is, both for the couples’ ability to take ownership and control of their negative pattern and for them to be able to shift to the positive dance of intimacy and connection.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment Maria!! I so appreciate it, and love your words — helping the couple to “take ownership and control” of the cycle — so hopeful because it means we know and hold onto that they CAN control it. Thank you! 🙂


  5. This was helpful, Karyn! I like the idea of asking the couple to help fill in the blanks with me. We saw together what happened when the cycle was clear to me but the wife didn’t really buy it—and I really struggled for ways to help her see it! I now know to spend more time emphasizing the cycle until it IS clear because everything else depends on it.
    Can’t wait for your book tour—I’m gonna want a signed copy 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so much Ora!! I so appreciate you taking the time to write. Yes, it can be so hard for some partners to see and feel the cycle, especially the partners that don’t want to see that they have a role in what is happening!
    Thanks for the excitement about the book too! 🙂


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