Day 190, ~ Selfie ~

Day 190.jpg

~ Selfie ~

Fleeting moment caught

Underlying data lost

Shells cracked and exposed.


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Always awkward for me I’m not totally sure why but maybe some part of me dislikes them. Maybe it goes back to an old Native belief that your capturing part of the self but not the whole picture, or your capturing and removing a part of the self. Either way I’m always awkward with them if I try with friends in public, or alone in private.

Today fell into myself a little while job hunting and, taking care of daily animal needs around the house and plants etc. They all seem well on this sunny day even our chicken who is alone after that traumatic eagle attack which I think she might have finally forgotten about. Even she came out from her coop to explore a little the big wide world.

Today I’m feeling rather upset and just feeling like how we still have people that do not and will not understand the separation of church and state when serving in any capacity that governs the public. Or oversees the creation or laws and regulations for said public overall. A public that consist of many types of people religious and non-religious aside. Scientific and spiritual etc, its harsh but if I had my way, they would all be removed from office and their titles striped because they are not fulfilling the job without their own selfish needs and desires tainting the decisions they make.


Maybe my look is one of worry idk, but it seems like society is just spinning towards a place it will not recover from easily. I want to visit America more often, but I must admit I don’t want to visit my homeland. I don’t want to meet irrational people or potential policemen who might just see me walk across the road wrong or something, and then shoot me because I’m a tall black woman. Later to have it validated in toxic comment sections about well she shouldn’t have stepped off the curb there, she shouldn’t have looked down at the officer that way, she should have heard over the traffic and noises what he said and listened, blah blah. We’ve all seen it people will validate anything if it’s truly what they wish to see. I don’t want to spend my hard-earned Scandinavian money in a place that would care not to sell to me or would have security follow me thinking I wish to steal. Something I never have done, but because I’m a shade of brown on the human spectrum I’m a threat.  It hurts to constantly have these thoughts to not be able to exist without something making me aware of my melanin.

The fear is exasperated because I’m almost 6’4 (194cm) in height what would they say OMG this amazon woman scared me, so I shot her. That’s what the climates are now. That’s a horrible feeling and yet its real for some. My partner must calm me down often because I just fall apart thinking about the larger pictures and how my existence fits into it. That’s why I think while taking a selfie. I think am I here, am I viable, am I worthy of the moments of happiness when I want to smile and rejoice in all life appreciating it. And if I were created just to suffer because of the amount of melanin in my skin then why should I continue?

What’s the point, only humans have this vile disgusting way of hating each other, gender included, yet were intelligent? In my past pets, I observed brown, white, grey, black, bunnies all play together living happily fed, sheltered and cared for.

Why would a judge look at a child or defendant and because they don’t remind them of themselves, they incur harsher punishments for the same crimes as their lighter counterparts, that the judge can relate to?

Why are the police not threatened by a man who looks like them brandishing multiple weapons, and they manage to talk him down and arrest him with the dignity afforded another human?

Why does the blue wall not weed out the rotten apples and remove them from their ranks?

Why and how in a civil society can a little child playing with a toy gun be shot dead before the police officer has even spoken to them?

Why do we keep calling all melanin people terrorist and immediately go for trying to find anything to quell sympathy for those individuals, yet their lighter counterparts are poor souls that fell to the wayside influenced by some other entity, they were a good guy before this unfortunate event?


I felt good today the sun shining yet I cried more than I care to admit because that pain is so deep and so real. Because even in living abroad I still have my American citizenship, yet I constantly have the urge to just say no I will never call it home again. Casting my citizenship aside for life abroad and free. Is it perfection? No but I have been judged by my talents my merits and not the color of my flesh. The first village I lived in I was the only woman who looked like me and I was not met with any hate for my hair texture, the nuances of piment in my flesh etc I felt home. I lived next door to a police officer who was a family friend and a wonderful being. I think this constitutes an anecdotal bubble, but we respected each other, our jobs, our lives, our journeys, there was no prejudgment or stigmatizing. We functioned as a community. I’ve always heard in the past and the present that I have a naïve or pure way to see things at times, they’ve always felt the need to protect me. I think its because of them I still exist today. Maybe when I take a selfie I’m thinking too much and therefore doing it wrong.

Lol on a lighter note whenever it’s my turn to cook I have begun watching the old Perfect strangers show and I guess I would be Balki lol. One thing I’ve learned from that show that always makes me smile and laugh is to tell myself…. Time to do the dance of Joy!

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