Monday, 22 October 2012

There is no such thing as ‘discipline’; it is behavior management or modification.

There is no such thing as ‘discipline’; it is behavior management or modification. Because discipline is fixed, like in the army, but behavior can vary and with it varies the methods of handling deviant behavior. The problem is that as adults we follow a strict policy with kids that says,’ Do as we say, not as we do’, and we forget that kids learn by imitation! So you can see mothers and teachers shouting at their kids and asking them to ‘be quiet’!

Yet another myth- Patience. You can’t have patience with kids, should not have, as there is no such thing as patience. Patience implies that you are ‘bearing with’ someone, instead of basing your discipline on patience base it on understanding. Because in patience you will control the child instead of guiding the child. So stop telling yourself, I need to be patient with my child, instead say have I understood what the child is actually trying to tell me with the behavior? Usually kids have lots to tell you, but do not have the supportive language development and so their boredom, frustration, anger comes out in behavioral problems. Show them a socially accepted avenue to show their anger and frustration, don’t stop them from experiencing these emotions, use sentences like,’ I know you are angry because I did not give you the toy, but instead of beating me, you can beat the pillow’.

Don’t react to kids misbehavior with your own, oh yes it happens. Let me tell you about this mother and child I watched at the check in  terminal of an airport (the best place that I watch kids interact with their parents!) a mother sitting in front of me had her 3 year old son sitting facing her on her lap. Both of them were engrossed in a beautiful interaction and bonding by singing nursery rhymes that the child must have learnt in his playschool. The mother’s mobile phone rang and mid sentence she picked up her cell and started talking to the other person. I could see the child’s face was disappointed, but the child waited patiently for a full minute( long time in a toddler’s world!) then started nudging the mother, ‘mummy’, ‘mummy’, mummy’ he went on quietly and patiently. No response from mummy, she was happily ignoring the child and chatting on the phone. Exasperated and irritated the child caught hold of the mothers chin and said, ‘mummy chalo na’, mummy just shook her head and carried on, to which; to my utter amazement the child slapped the mother! In reaction to which, to my utter horror, the mother slapped the child and the child starting bawling. Mother embarrassed, switched off the phone, and started cajoling the child, ‘I am so sorry beta’ etc etc out of guilt and embarrassment. The child refused to stop crying only increased the octaves of screaming! She bought a chocolate for the child and pacified the child.

So what went wrong in this beautiful interaction that was on between mother and child? How did a lovely singing bond end in this ‘free for all’?

Simple, the mother did not show respect for the child, when the mobile phone rang she should have either completed the song that they were singing and then picked up the phone or should have excused herself and told the child, I will take this call and then we will continue. And she should have known to recognize the signs of ‘final frustration’ that kids exhibit, which is ‘holding your chin and making you look at them’, when kids do this, they are serious, serious about throwing a full blown tantrum! Final mistake she made she answered a slap with a slap, isn’t that ‘do as we say and not as we do’? if we are telling kids that they must not hit when they are angry, then how can we hit when we are angry? And then buying a chocolate to pacify the child? Materialistic parenting, a no-no for healthy development of kids.

So respect children and watch for the impeding signs of tantrums and misbehavior. Catch them being good instead of punish them when bad.

Children in the first 6 years lack impulse control, which is why without thinking the little boy slapped his mother. Impulse control comes with the development of the pre frontal cortex, so the more the prefrontal cortex develops, the better will be the logic, reasoning, attention, focus in children. Play games to develop impulse control, simple games like ‘Simon says’, ‘red light, green light’, all develop impulse control. For example in ‘Simon says’, the child has to concentrate and wait for the word ‘Simon’ to do the action, so he controls his impulse to do the action, until he hears the word.

Punishment is a strict no-no. that is a traditional method, we need guidance, show the child where he went wrong and what he should have done instead- The difference between the two approaches is that traditional discipline criticizes children- often publicly- for unacceptable behaviors whereas guidance teaches children positive alternatives, what they can do instead.  

According to behavioural expert and author ANNE COPLEY there are four zones that you should look out for in kid’s behaviour-

1.    Safe zone- when children feel wanted, secure, loved, their needs are met, they function in a safe zone and such children are happy, well adjusted and well behaved.
2.    Learning zone- when children experience safe zone, they are able to learn, explore, be creative, make decisions, choose, focus and this is the learning zone, they will be smarter and learn more.
3.    Anxiety zone- children who do not feel safe, secure, wanted and reassured are in the anxiety zone. Anxiety leads to irritation, frustration and anger. It is in this zone that they will start sending out signs and signals that tell you they are about to ‘let all hell loose’!
4.    Stress zone – when you are unable to read those signs and give them the required reassurance, help, guidance, they move into the stress zone, where all hell breaks loose.

It takes a lot of effort, learning, unlearning, guidance, love, time to bring a child from the stress zone to the safe zone. So ideally keep them in the safe and learning zone and never reach the anxiety zone.

Adults should remember that children do not misbehave we misinterpret their behaviour.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012


I have done a general study of the autistic spectrum both during my B.Ed and when we tried to set up an early intervention kindergarten centre for autistic children. Autism is a spectrum disorder and so generalizations about inclusion, therapy etc will not be valid throughout the wide spectrum, which has been my understanding. I have some wonderful books on autism written by experts and parents who have struggled and won with the education of their autistic children.

Reading about the child in Jamnabai and siding with the parents is all good but we need to focus on the main issue, does this kind of inclusion in a crowded classroom with no adaptations for autism help this autistic child? Here we are not to be worried about the ‘disturbance’ to the other 44 children but the ‘disturbance’ to the already frail mind state or emotional state of the autistic child.

In some kinds of autism the children are very very sensitive to crowds, loud sounds, and constant chatter and hate the constant change in adults. Such children would not thrive in an inclusive environment as all this would be constantly grating on their nerves.

This child has been in this environment since 2007, what is the opinion of the therapists, is this kind of an environment really helping this child?

Yes, autism, deaf and mute and dyslexia are in the news these days, thanks to the movies and yes schools in the past have been insensitive to such kids  but inclusion is a decision that needs to be taken not by the school or government or any such body, such decisions should be left to the experts, the medical and therapy experts who take care of such children, they are the best judge of whether inclusion in a regular classroom will really help the condition of the autistic child or only the social morale of the child and the family.

I think a discussion needs to be initiated on this at the earliest and instead of forcing inclusion on children who would actually not benefit from it, it would be better to think of options that would aid the growth of such children. Let’s move away from the two extreme ends of inclusion and exclusion and think of a more moderate and sensitive way in which to help these kids adjust, grow and thrive.