Meet Penelope, and my subpar baby.

How on earth am I ever supposed to find my child(ren) precious, adorable and ‘edible’, when babies like Mason Dash and Penelope Scotland Disick exist?

I mean GOD! It’s hard enough not being Armenian with flowy thick black Jasmine-esque hair and a bodacious bod, but not being able to find a blonde Fonzworth-Bentley-dressing man of conspicuous leisure to procreate with too? Even worse.

While Penelope’s eyes apparently don’t open yet… can this @USWeekly cover be any more perfect? Please look at Mason?

In other news, why can’t Scott change diapers?

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