IPFS John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: July 21, 2019 Edition

Kerry Hails Iran's Seizures in Gulf

While much of the world seems to regard Iran's seizing of ships near the Straits of Hormuz as"troubling," former US Secretary of State John Kerry called these actions "gratifying. I've been advising the government of Iran to stand up against Trump's bullying for more than two years. I'm glad to see they're finally doing so."

Kerry brushed aside accusations that his actions might be construed as treason, contending that "since we are not currently at war with Iran they are not our enemies, therefore, the aid I've given them doesn't meet the Constitution's definition of treason. As a citizen of the world, it is my right to choose my own friends. I see nothing wrong with helping out those friends in a time of need."

Merkel Praises "Squad"

German Chancellor Angela Merkel criticized President Trump's recent tweets about the four female congresswomen known as the "Squad," calling his perspective "short-sighted."

"What President Trump is trying to do is a futile attempt to prevent the future from happening," Merkel said. "Anyone who has a brain has to be aware of the fact that Islam is the wave of the future. In accord with this reality, I've overseen the immigration of nearly two million Muslims into Germany since I've been chancellor. These fierce and fertile people will restore Germany to its rightful place on the continent and in the world."

"Trump's complaint that the women he criticized are anti-Semitic, socialistic, and anti-American assumes that these are negative attributes," Merkel continued. "However, these were the same attributes that Germany had in the 1940s when our outnumbered forces almost conquered the world. Instead of resisting the future, the American President should be joining forces with the eventual victors in a global Muslim caliphate."

Meanwhile, across the border in Denmark, Muslim refugees are threatening to leave the country if the government doesn't restore their welfare benefits to the previous levels. Citing budgetary constraints, the government has slashed welfare for free housing and food by 50%. Merkel has offered to "take any Muslims who wish to leave Denmark. All we ask is that they bear the children that our native Germans refuse to bear," and cited "the very successful policies of the 1930s that helped boost birth rates across Germany" to bolster her case.

Sanders Campaign in Pay Squabble

Though he has long been an advocate for a nationwide $15/hour minimum wage, presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) pays some of his campaign workers less than this amount. These workers have unionized and are threatening to strike if they don't get a raise.

Campaign manager Faiz Shakir tried to explain "we can't afford to meet this wage standard under current conditions. We don't have the resources needed to pay this much. What we are asking our supporters to do is make a temporary sacrifice for the cause." These sacrifices include 12-hour workdays and 6-day workweeks at less than minimum wage.

Sanders tried to quell his restive staff by emphasizing "the urgency of our quest to transform America from a capitalistic hellhole into a socialist utopia. Unlike capitalists who exploit workers for profit, we are asking our workers to voluntarily put aside their own financial interests in order to aid the revolution. Those who stood with Lenin didn't do it out of love for money. They did it to try to change the world and they succeeded."

"I am not totally inflexible on this issue," Sanders added. "If every candidate agrees to a $15/hour minimum we will too. But we can't abide the disadvantage of more quickly running through our available funds while the others are free to exploit their workers. We're not a small business whose inability to survive at a higher wage is no great loss. We are the vanguard of a social movement that must survive for the sake of humanity."

Dems Mull Strategies for Beating Trump

As polls continue to show higher levels of approval for President Trump's job performance, those desperate to unseat him are groping for ideas on how to accomplish this objective.

Igor Volsky, Executive Director of Guns Down America and a former Vice President of the Center for American Progress, called for venues "to refuse to rent out the arenas and stadiums that Trump likes to use for his rallies. If there's nowhere for him to hold his rallies, there won't be any rallies. Without rallies he won't be able to reach voters. Social media stands ready to block his tweets. Mass media controls the narrative. We have the means to silence this racist. If we don't take action to stifle him we'll have only ourselves to blame."

Sen. Jon Tester (D-MT) urged the 20+ Democrats currently in the race for the Party's 2020 presidential nomination to "bypass boring discussions of policy options and just punch Trump in the face. We've already established that he's a racist. We shouldn't rehabilitate him by civilly debating the issues. Voters hate racists. They'd all like to punch him in the face. They will rally to the candidate who lands the first blow."

CNN political analyst April Ryan recommended "a global search for kryptonite. We've tried everything else—sex scandals, slander, a deep-state conspiracy, fake news—nothing has worked. The only logical conclusion I can reach is that this guy is Superman. Well, the only thing that can bring Superman down is kryptonite. If we can't get some soon, I'm afraid we'll be reliving the nightmare of November 8, 2016 all over again."

CEO of Planned Parenthood Fired

After being on the job for only nine months, CEO Leana Wen was abruptly fired this week. While Len claims to have been "blind sided" by the move, Planned Parenthood spokesperson Adora Slaughter insisted the firing "should not have been a surprise. The number of abortions we've performed has gone down on her watch. Several states have enacted severe restrictions on abortions performed after a fetal heartbeat is detected. The final straw was Wen's assertion that only women can get pregnant and have abortions. This effectively undermines our opportunity to make up for lost business by performing abortions on trans-gender patients."

Wen contends she is "being made the scapegoat for trends that are beyond our ability to control. I thought I said all the right words. I publicly asserted that abortions save lives. I refused to condemn sex selection abortions. I committed no thought crimes."

Wen went on to predict that "whoever is named to succeed me will face the same struggle of swimming against a rising tide of opposition to our business plan and methods. Demographics are against Planned Parenthood. Our supporters aren't raising the next pro-choice generation. Our opponents are raising the next anti-choice generation. The only way out of this dilemma is for the government to adopt a single child limit like China has."

Meanwhile, new interim president Alexis McGill Johnson announced a "fresh venture into the virgin territory of evangelicals. There's no good reason to believe that we can't win Christians over. They refer to the aborted as 'innocents.' Abortion enables these innocents to avoid the sins they would inevitably commit if they are allowed to be born. In short, the terminations we offer sends them directly to heaven. Surely that is better than letting them risk eternal damnation through failure to abort them."

Border Deaths Down Under Trump

Judging from media accounts and the hyperventilating Democrats, people might have the impression that the death toll for immigrants illegally crossing our southern border is at an all-time high. Such an impression would be mistaken.

During the eight years that Obama was president the annual death toll averaged 372. During the two-and-a-half years that Trump has been president the annual death toll has averaged 291—that's a decline of more than 20% from the death rate during the Obama years.

Immigration expert Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) cautioned us "to look past these bare facts to get the true picture. During the Obama Administration our government was supplying guns to Mexican gangsters. It's only natural that the death toll would've been higher. Apologists for Trump neglect to mention this aspect. In my view, Trump is benefiting from his knee-jerk cancellation of President Obama's sting operation against the Mexican drug-smuggling and human-trafficking cartels. These latest statistics don't refute the charge of racism we've leveled against him."

In other immigration news, six migrant families are demanding $3 million each as "compensation for the torture we have suffered at the hands of the US government. We undertook long and arduous journeys to find a better life only to be arrested for crossing the border illegally. Now we need to be paid." Mark Fleming, associate director of litigation at the National Immigration Justice Center, warned that "failure to compensate these travelers will discourage others from trying to illegally enter the United States and lead to potentially devastating consequences."

Biden Assurance on Health Care "Worthless"

In a bid to separate himself from his more socialist rivals, former Vice-President Joe Biden promised to preserve Obamacare and attempted to reassure voters that "if you like your health care plan, your employer-based plan, you can keep it. If you like your private insurance, you can keep it."

However, arbiter of what and isn't permissible for Democrats, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY) called his promise "worthless. I don't think too many people will be heartbroken if we go to a Medicare for all plan. Unless you qualify for a subsidy, Obamacare is very expensive. The monthly premium for a 'bronze' plan is $700 and the annual deductible is around $6,000. A family that has this plan will be $14,000 out-of-pocket before they receive any benefits. So, I doubt many would be eager to keep these plans."

"Second, President Obama's promise that people who liked their health plans when Obamacare was passed turned out to be untrue," the Congresswoman pointed out. "In fact, this promise was declared the 'lie of the year for 2013' by PolitiFact. It boggles the mind that Biden believes he can successfully recycle this fib."

Bill Needed to "Save Half My Family from Being Deported"

California Senate Leader Kevin de Leon (D-Los Angeles) spoke on behalf of SB54—legislation that would make California a sanctuary state for illegal immigrants. "The legislation is necessary because President Trump's determination to deport only those who have broken other laws would still leave half of my family at risk," de Leon said.

The Senator justified stealing identities and filing false affidavits, calling them "essential to gain employment and obtain taxpayer-paid benefits. Everybody does it. It's a matter of survival. Trump's insistence on enforcing the law against these crimes is cruel and unusual punishment. Obama didn't enforce these laws. Bush didn't enforce these laws. Trump has no right to overturn these precedents."

Reparations Requires More than Just Money

Backer of reparations for descendants of former slaves Democratic presidential contender Sen. Kamala Harris (Calif) says "writing a check is not gonna be enough. The financial disadvantages of slaves and their descendants represent only a small portion of what is owed to them by whites. Payments can't assuage the hurt of whippings and lynchings."

Harris averred that "it will be relatively easy to apportion the monetary damages among the descendants of the slave-holding whites. It will be harder to apportion the physical pain, fear, and humiliation. We'll probably have to use some sort of lottery system to select which white people will have to bear these burdens. Many will have to be whipped. Fewer will have to be lynched. But all should have to endure the fear that it could be them. Those selected by the lottery for lynching should be rousted in the middle of the night by black men wearing hoods. I think this rough justice will be the best approximation of true justice that we could hope to achieve."

Rival contender for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination former Rep. Beto O'Rourke (Tex) volunteered to "be the first one whipped should Sen. Harris' proposed plan be implemented. I was recently given documents showing that both my wife and I are descended from people who owned slaves. Let the atonement process begin with me."

In related news, Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) claims that "we can't have real diversity unless each person conforms to the proper racial viewpoint. If you have a black face, you need to speak with a black voice. If you have a brown face, you need to speak with a brown voice. Deviation from these expected norms confuses the issue and prevents us from achieving an authentically diverse community."