Help, need advice from DE MOMS, quickly.

(12 posts)(8 voices)
  1. Hi Ladies,
    I am two days away from my transfer with embies from a DE and husbands sperm.

    I have tried to proceed with this twice before and backed out before husbands sperm was shipped due to anxiety, fear, worry.

    A little history. We have a beautiful DD concieved through our first IVF/PGD cycle when I was 38 after 3 natural m/c's. I found out after the 3rd one that I have a balanced translocation which results in a high rate of m/c and abnormal embies due to my translocation.

    After my daughter we went on to do 8 more cycles in attempt for a sibling.
    We considered adoption, and DE and I always thought DE was a great solution.
    However, after beginning the process earlier this year (I am now 42) I got anxiety and panicked after beginning 2 different cycles. Each time I backed out the anxiety went away, but my desire for a bigger family did not.

    I began again in October, with a great donor from the same clinic I had backed out of (they are very patient) have been doing all the protocal for 6 weeks now, and haven't had the same worries until yesterday.

    This morning I threw up, either from the hormones or stress from wondering if I am making the right choice. I will be 43 when this baby is born if I do get pregnant and my DD will be 5. I am wondering if I should just be happy with what I was given and move on with my life with her and my husband.

    My question, did anyone out there have last minute doubts or concerns but go on to have a happy pregnancy, and are now happy in life with their new little one. HELP! I am getting on a plane in 2 days!

    I need to hear that I am not the only one who has gone through this.


  2. Hi agostino -

    I am pregnant with de twins and never had reservations about it, but many women do. I also wanted to point you to, in case you don't know about them. You will get some great insite and stories from mom's there as well.

    For us, we simply wanted to grow our family and de was the way to do it. We would have considered adoption, but being able to carry the baby was such a big thing, as well as the connection to DH that the pros far out weighed the cons for us.

    I hope you find peace with your decision - whatever you decide.

    Best -


  3. agostino - I pm'd you.

  4. Hi there:

    I, too, have a child (3yo DS) conceived naturally, and am 35w6d pg with a DE DS. I can't tell you I had the same level of anxiety as you are experiencing, but I have had my doubts/concerns along the way. I tried with my own eggs until it became all too clear that route wasn't going anywhere (at least in the timeframe we wanted, as DH and I are in our mid-40s). Once we switched gears to DE, I was just so focused on ending this IF process and getting pregnant, that that was more important to me than the genetics of the child. I knew we wanted to have a second child, and time was of the essence. Of course, I still have my doubts and grieve the genetically related child I won't have. But, I'm happy to be moving forward with completing my family and trust that I will love this baby and will be loved by him...I'm sure it'll feel different from the love I have for my first DS, but then, isn't love for each child slightly different, even if they are all genetically related to the parents?

    Good might help to talk with a counselor who is experienced in DE. We had a consult with one I found through Resolve. She had had both genetic and DE children, so it was comforting to hear her perspective.


  5. RB,
    Sorry you're going through this, de is tough enough without the emotional toll it takes. Have you talked to a therapist? We had several counseling sessions before we moved forward and I have to admit that I was more mixed and scared than I let on in those sessions. As the other poster said, I came to the realization this was the only way having a family would happen for us. It was very black and white. It must be harder to move to DE after you have a genetic child but I know lots of women have and don't have a regret but every situation is different.

    I\'m sorry I don't have better advice but wanted you to know that I too was hesitant and almost in denial as I figured the cycle would fail as it did with my own eggs. But alas, it didn't and I couldn't be happier.

    Do what you need to do and remember that with DE you don't have to rush into it, take your time if you need too. I hope you find the peace of mind you're looking for.

  6. agostino,

    Hugs as you deal with your ambivalent feelings. I find it helpful to keep my mind and heart focused and visualized on the end result I want. I've gone through both donor sperm, genetic issues, m/c from DE cycle and six losses. So I understand fear--in a different way perhaps, but yes it stopped me for a while to grieve. I then focused on the family I wanted and also allowed myself to feel the fear at the same time. Relied on understanding therapists (when needed after losses) and my cyber friends who have experienced similar emotions and 'get it'.

    Keep your eye on the prize and move forward with support when you can.

    Good luck!


  7. I have a DS and boy/girl twins- all from donor eggs. I never think of them as anything other than MINE. Some very nice person just donated a bit of genetic material but I am the biological (not genetic) mother.

    I have a "mother tiger" connection to them and cannot fathom that I would feel any different if they were from my DNA. THEY ARE MINE!

    That said, it took me YEARS to get to the point of being ready to use donor eggs. I was 42 when my son was born and 46 with the twins. I wouldn't change a thing (other than wishing I had more energy...)

    Follow your heart and best of luck!

  8. Ladies,
    Thank you to all of you. I had my transfer yesterday, and once it was done, all my anxieties (at least for now) melted away.

    I do think it would be great for anyone worried about DE to read this thread. It's not an easy decision but then once you do it, ITS FANTASIC.

  9. Good luck! It is easier to start bonding once you have the picture of your embryos and gets easier still once you are blessed with a positive. Grieving my DE loss was not different than grieving losses from my own eggs.

    Hope to hear more good news from you soon!


  10. Dana,
    So sorry to hear that. How far along were you? Are you going to try again, and will you use the same donor?

  11. Well I got a BFN on my first DE cycle! It was quite a shock. You start to look up in the sky and say, God must really not want me to have a baby. I'm angry, sad, and although we have 5 frozen, I don't know if I'll make it again. The disappointment has been going on for 5 years and I'm just exhausted.

  12. Been there, know it's hard. Maybe you'll feel more prepared to go forward when you've given yourself some time to recover. Take care, Maggie

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