Saturday, June 5, 2010

Can't believe it has been 14 years since I last saw my sister

Actually we think death is the end. But is it? I don’t know. It was never so when I lost my sister more than a decade ago. It was the beginning of something painful and sense of loss.We grew up together and almost shared everything. My younger brother is 6 years younger to me so we had a lot of time for ourselves before other siblings intervened in our lives. We always had everything shared between us, an apple would be cut into equal half and we would each have a piece. Off course my sister believed in being fair and so it was the person who did not cut the apple (or whatever it was) that got to pick the piece and we would have to cut them alternately.
We were just opposite of each other. Nothing was ever similar between us. We liked different books (ooopppsss I mean I loved books whereas my sister never could read beyond 3 pages at one go), movies, colors, God, food etc etc. We fought over every single thing. She would flare up very fast, and would cool down faster. If I ever succeeded in getting her to beat me in her anger; than I was winner. I could work her around to do many things for me as a consolation. I enjoyed that. I wouldn’t flare up easily but was tenacious, and teased her temper a lot.
I never knew how good these things were until much much later when she was not there physically.Everyone always said she was all beauty and me all brains. The most touching part I remember about her is when we two would start fighting and someone would interfere and try to shut me up, (I was tenacious) and later they would end up scolding me and she would jump in to defend me. I thought that was funny back then but now I am finding it wrings out a lot of tears from me. She loved games, gossip, friends, Movies and outings. Picnics were her favorites. I loved books, studying etc. She would play to have fun where as I played to win, to prove myself always. Even with a club foot I could be very fast runner and excelled in throw ball and many other games. She would never play games where there was competition. She loved funny games.
My lovely sister was also opposite to me in another approach which proved fatal and she paid with her life. She never liked the pills, pricks or doctors. Hospitals were one of the worst places for her and would always postpone treatment as far as possible. I always trusted doctors a lot. One day she announced she felt some lump in her breast and I panicked. At that time I did not know much about BC but still was aware of it and advised her to see a doctor. She said she would. But never did it. I kept reminding her again and again. But I knew she was not interested in consulting doctor. I went to my native place where she was on a visit with my Mother and convinced her to come to the doctors with me. The doctor had just one look and advised biopsy. She said lets come back tomorrow and that went on for few more days. I almost physically dragged her into going for a biopsy and the result said breast cancer. I was shocked. Couldn’t believe what I heard. My parents immediately took her to some more doctors and they all advised surgery, radiation and chemotherapy for her. But she refused. Wouldn’t give in to any pressure we tried to put on her. No one knew she would be gone the next year. She talked my family into believing about miracle healing. I never gave up convincing her to go for surgery. But all was in vain. I can vividly recall how cancer took over her slowly. It is really very terrifying. The lump grew and then opened into a wound which went on covering half her chest. She always cleaned it up herself and dressed it till the end. She was really amazing. Again I was away from her when I heard one day that she was dead. It did not make any sense to me. I expected that but still couldn’t believe it. She left some huge hollow inside me, which yearned to be filled up. I searched for friends. I reached out to people, finding few sisters who filled it in drops. Still the gap needs to be filled. It still hurts so bad. I do miss her so much. I still cant imagine a person who was so full of life gave it up so easily. She just resigned off life when she heard the word cancer.
The one thing about her life that hurts me the most is, the day she got to know I had cancer too. It attacked her right breast and my left one. I joked it was the result of sharing everything but I could see the pain in her. She slowly started sobbing and then cried piteously. Why both of us? She asked again and again. She just broke after that. I still remember and feel the hug she gave me when I left to get myself operated. I was walking out of gate when she came there and hugged me and wept. That was something very touching and can bring tears whenever I remember it. I just felt the love flow from her to me. We again proved to be opposites. She gave up and lost her life where as I fought it out( the odds were very much against me) and survived. I feel guilty of not sharing something with her there. Does she know the pain I suffer whenever I think of her? Would she change the decision if she knew I was going to suffer so? I look up to everyone to find her. There have been many people who have given me a part of her.I have found so many sisters of hearts. They are not blood relation to me but we share the feelings and pain of our heart. We can emphatise with each other. But still the pain of losing a sister remains. No matter what changes takes place. Can we really lose someone after having found them and loved them? Does someone has an answer? I am searching


  1. You will never find anyone to replace your sister. She was one of a kind. But you are right, you will find pieces of your sister in others and that is comforting, I'm sure.

    Did you sister have children? If she didn't, could that be why she chose not to fight?

    Use the memories of your special relationship to build dreams for others. You'd be surprised at what you do on her behalf.

    Glad to see you posting again.

  2. Beautiful post.

    Hugs to you.....

  3. It is sad to know about your sister.
    You will never be able to replace her..but she is still a part of you in you have not lost her at all...

    Be strong...and remember her and you will realise that she is still very much a part of you,

  4. This is such a sweet memory. Even though, the two of you were opposites, you still shared the same feelings for one another.
    Nobody can ever replace her. But, I am sure there are many others around you with all the nice qualities she had.


  5. I never had a sister but I am happy that you had this wonderful experience and lots of good memories of her when you filter out the sad ones. I think the death was especially hard for if she had fought the cancer and then died it would have been sad but you would not have been left with the futility of her death. I think you have survived for the two of you. She is your guardian angel sister now.

  6. As I am reading this I can feel your pain! No one will ever replace your sister! When someone dies it just leaves an empty hole in your heart. We just have to keep on living and take one day at a time!

  7. Of all the things cancer did to Jill, one of the things I hated most was that it made her give up hope. Her whole life, she was the strongest and most optimistic and determined person I ever knew. Cancer took that away from her, and it made her quit. It broke her spirit, and it took her mind before it took her body. I'll never forgive it for doing that to her.

    Your sister chose not to fight it. That was her choice. You chose to fight it and you won, and maybe things would have ended differently for her if she had made that choice too...but maybe not. She did what was right for her at the time, and no one can second guess that. It was her life, and her choice. You did all you could.

    It's hard to believe how quickly the time passes, isn't it? In a way it still seems like yesterday, but at the same time it seems like so long ago...

    Thinking of you.

  8. I had goosebumps as I sat reading this wonderful piece. I have a younger sister too and I was just wondering how it would be if I were faced with your predicament. We have grown closer over the years than we were when we were kids.

    Wherever your sister is, she will know how she lives on through you and your words.

  9. I hope every passing day makes you stronger and may you be full of love for all around you and also be loved as much if not more.

  10. Although she is gone physically, she left you with wonderful memories to remember her by. That was she is still with you.

  11. Your beautiful sister surely lives on in you, dear lady.

  12. You touch my heart . Can't find anything else to write now .

  13. one of the best reveal, expression from heart ....... cant say something


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