Mental Health Matters
Forensic Edition
November 2010
 Published by: Lepage Associates


Some Children Adjust Easily to Divorce and

Some Children Experience Long-Term Negative Effects:

How Parents and Professionals Can Help Children Adjust


Working in child and adolescent psychology, a common question asked by parents experiencing a significant, and often distressing, life transition is: "How can I help my child adapt or cope most effectively?" Parents are often aware that life transitions such as a divorce can have lasting impacts on their child's well-being. Research suggests the impacts of divorce can include an increase in behavioral, emotional, interpersonal, and academic problems for children. However, there is also a great deal of research suggesting these problems do not always occur and do not even necessarily have to occur. This leads one to wonder, "Why do some children and adolescents adjust quickly and with few long term consequences to divorce, while others experience problems well into adulthood?"

Psychologists have begun to look at the Divorce Stress Adjustment Perspective to identify factors that are predictive of how well one adapts to marital dissolution. This perspective is not exclusive to divorcing spouses but applies to their children as well. How well one adapts is understood within the context of assessing protective and risk factors. Protective factors and risk factors are seen as moderating the relationship between life stressors and adjustment to these life stressors. A protective factor can be conceptualized as any aspects about us, anything we have or participate in, or people around us who make it more likely for us to do well in life. Risk factors are inherently the opposite. Every person has protective factors and risk factors which fall into one of five categories: individual, community, peer, family, and school. Sometimes these factors appear quite obvious as to how they relate to a person's success and other times the relationship may be rather obscure. For example, shy or aggressive behavior in the classroom is a risk factor for predicting substance abuse later in life. Being a skilled problem-solver and having a desire to help others are two protective factors correlated with a faster and healthier recovery from a traumatic event.


The following are protective factors associated with an easier (faster and with fewer long term negative effects) adjustment to divorce:


  • Cooperative co-parenting
  • Individual child characteristics such as intelligence, ability to self-regulate, self-esteem and independence
  • Positive achievements in academics, sports, and positive peer relations
  • A close sustained relationship with a competent adult such as a teacher, other family member, therapist, and/or friend's parent
  • Having an easy temperament
  • Positive sibling support
  • The active and continued involvement of both parents
  • Economic stability
  • Interventions that enable parents to settle disputes such as divorce education programs and mediation
  • Children having access to therapeutic interventions
  • Mothers having a high degree of warmth toward their children
  • Low level of parental hostility

The following are risk factors associated with a more difficult (longer and with more long term negative effects) adjustment to divorce:


  • Custodial parent exhibiting less effective parenting
  • Diminished involvement from the noncustodial parent
  • Continued hostility between the parents after the divorce
  • Diminished economic resources
  • Low maternal warmth
  • Mothers with a high level of depressive symptoms
  • Continued and repeated life changes including changes in residence and schools
  • An acrimonious divorce process

As you may have noticed, many of these factors focus on the interaction between the parent and the child or between the two parents without the child necessarily even needing to be present.


So how does one make sense of this? Why do we make the suggestions that stability and consistency are important? Why do we encourage parents to speak positively of the other parent? The answer comes from the psychological theories of Systems Family Therapy. Salvador Minuchin and Mara Palazzoli are credited with the creation of systems therapy, and today there are several formalized approaches to family systems therapy. Each is slightly unique in its conceptualization and intervention; however, what they hold in common is the concept of viewing the family as a group of people in a relationship with one another versus as individual units. While this does not negate individuality, this family is seen as a whole unit or group, and (remember your high school physics class), this whole is seen as greater than the sum of its parts (we, individuals, are the parts). Additionally, this group is essentially in a state of constant flux because we, as individuals, are not static. So, when one person changes, everyone is inherently changed no matter how subtly or overtly.


Lawyers, financial specialists, and mental health providers are introduced to family members who are experiencing significant life changes. Some family members adjust with ease to the changes related to divorce while others appear to stay "stuck" in problematic behavior patterns. Family systems theory underscores the interactions among the individuals. For example, a mother may often complain, in front of the children, that her ex-husband does not take their children to their doctor appointments. This often upsets children because they come to believe their father does not care for them. The mother might be guided, instead, to say, "I know that you have to work extra hours and often get home after 5:00. Since I used to be the one to take our kids to their appointments after school, I imagine this adjustment is probably difficult for you. From my perspective, doctor appointments are very important because if one of our kids' gets sick and has to miss school, you or I will have to take off work to stay home with them, and we can't afford that right now, not to mention, we want them to be healthy. I've gotten frustrated in the past about this and have been very accusatory. I want to approach things differently, and I know we both want the best for our kids. How can we work together?"


While these statements may sound too idyllic to be true, conflicting parents can often agree on common goals for their children when they approach conversations in this manner. Despite many differing perspectives, former spouses want their children to experience happiness, success, and have positive interactions with others in society. The goal for those who may find themselves working with these parents is to help the parents assess their own language and behavior when communicating with their children and/or former spouse. This can be a difficult process for even the most seasoned professional to balance validating and supporting a client while advocating for them to focus on their own behavior. It may be helpful to remind parents that while conflict between former partners is probably inevitable, they do have an opportunity to approach these conflicts in a manner that can have positive effects on their child's adjustment to difficult life transitions.


The following are a few helpful hints that can be used to emphasize the importance of positive interactions between parents while still being perceived as supportive and understanding of their difficulties.


  • Encourage parents to develop an explanation as to why they are separating or divorcing that each will refer to when speaking to their child(ren).
  • Encourage parents to refrain from speaking negatively of the other parent. Research suggests parents who speak positively, or at least neutrally, of their ex-spouse are viewed at more favorably by their children at all stages of life in, compared to those parents who speak negatively of their ex to their children.
  • Encourage parents to be more cognizant of their semantic choices. Based on evolutionary and interpersonal theory, much of our language focuses on differentiating those in the "in group" from those in the "out group." For example, discriminatory words highlight the difference between an in-group (i.e., a click of friends at work) versus an out-group (i.e., co-workers the group does not socialize with). Encourage parents to use "in group" language choices when speaking of their former spouse. As much as possible, encourage parents to present as a unified front.
  • Encourage parents to work together during times of difficult life transitions. If each parent perceives their child to be acting out more after returning from the other parent's house, encourage these parents to consult together regarding what environmental and/or emotional triggers precede these behaviors. Focusing on antecedents (what happens before the event) can often help prevent future problems from occurring.
  • Encourage parents to share information with one another regarding their child's daily activities, successes, and struggles. For example, keeping each other up to date on parent-teacher conferences, recitals, report cards, and school pictures helps each parent feel included and less apt to make defensive, critical, or exclusionary comments.
Several of these protective factors are built into the Collaborative Divorce process, and can also be achieved outside the Collaborative Divorce process through the use of a child specialist and divorce coaches.

Our child psychologists specialize in working with families going through separation and divorce. For more information contact:

Visit our website to learn about our separation and divorce services, including our work as child specialists and divorce coaches at:


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