Positivity…it’s not negative, but it’s close to the edge.

I am drifting from this weird state of dread for the future, to this sweeping and sudden sensation of being in a different dimension in time. Perhaps it’s a parallel universe I am dipping my toes into. Like I would dip into a freezing cold stream on a hot day, retracting my foot back in startled dismay at a feeling so alien to me.

How do we stay positive when everything looks so bleak?

I have been unemployed since I moved back to UK from Greece in 2010.

20 months.

I miss the warmth of the sun on my face. Even when I was penniless (or centless should I say), I still felt positive.

There was a comforting hope in the rustle of the trees and the scent of night jasmine.

Now, the evenings are stark. They just allow me to rest, knowing that I do not have to job search or write statements about myself (I hate having to big myself up). I lay my head down knowing that I have to start again the next morning.

I can’t get out of bed.

Trying to start my own business was exciting, and I still love it. I am inspired on a daily basis. For that I am grateful. Sitting in my fiancee’s box room all day when we first met, forced me to slap some paint onto the pages of an old sketchbook. My love of colour and paints and tools for bringing my imagination alive was reborn.

Thank Goddess for that.

I hardly sell any of my work, but that’s not getting me down. There are people loving it. It may come into fruitation.

I know I need to stay positive, I need to voice my gratitude on a daily basis. I know all this. I make art to inspire and heal, so why can’t I use it myself?

I am 39. I would like a family. My fiancee is 35. We are both unemployed. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

It’s hard to stay strong for both of us.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.  ~Oscar Wilde,Lady Windermere’s Fan, 1893

I am this person. I have to be!