Roger Clemens

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Still goin' strong...LOOK HE HAS POT!!

Roger Clemens (4 August, 1962 - May 5, 2085) uses steroids. Whether it's baseball, or even if it's Pot, he won't stop, even when it's his 8 PM bedtime. This is why he leaves every game in the 2nd inning and his team loses. Some people think he's a Pitcher. Others say, that he's a crime-fighting Ninja Turtle. He really enjoys pot. He comes out once every June to get taken yard by some hack who earns about $5,000 a year. He smokes pot too. He then sleeps with the manager, and gets promoted to a higher class. Once he became a rich bitch, the Yankee$ picked him up and he got to fuck the likes of that guy who makes $5585476986796 a year, Michael Vick's dogfighting assistant.

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Roger Clemens.

Did we mention he likes pot? Dick.

Oh yeah, he likes to smoke on bean bags too.

One more thing: He uses a crackpipe to smoke his pot. We don't know why he does it, but we a have few theories. P.S: he has a heavy addiction to 'roids, too. Idiot!


In the beginning, and Buddha was bored and he wanted another Guru to fuck, so he made Roger Clemens. He gave him the gift of Pot, and he never stopped smoking it. Yeah, everyone remembers his stint with the minor-league Pop rocks. Then he started smoking pot again. He saw a baseball and threw it. God was impressed and signed him through free agency. In his stint with what was then known as the Los Angeles, he was taken yard by Wakrenghretistavonostanislavastanovicrekyotoalawongihavealongnamefornoreason of Buddha's team. Then he beat the Chicago Cubs 3 seconds later with a Potball down the middle that John Cena didn't swing at. Cena was impressed and joined the Angeles. John Cena murdered Steve Wozniak for like the 12th time and L.A. won every game. But then the New York Yankees usurped Clemens out from under their asses and the Yankee$ killed them.

Big League Chew, according to Clemens

It is said that he ingested a human heart before everygame which he has said gives him super-human strength.

After a Loss[edit]

Roger Clemens is also known for running back to his house rather than driving back after he loses a baseball game. Later on in his career, as losing become much more frequent and he ran out of cars because he had to leave them at the stadium after a loss, he decided to move into the boiler room of the stadium. He actually never injected steroids into his arm, only his legs because running home almost every day began to take its toll.

Back to the Minors[edit]

Every year, Clemens makes a habit of cheating death retirement and playing in some crappy league for about $69 million a year. In his debut every single year, the 3rd batter he faces takes him yard. Clemens then has coitus with the manager and gets to move to a better league, where he does the exact same thing, until he is finally making $5 in the Pros. John Cena still remains as the only guy to hit a homer and rob a homer at the exact same time (this was attributed to his overCUMMING of the odds).

His Break as a Ninja Turtle[edit]

In the offseason, you can still see him on Fox, but during their early morning kids block, They Think This Is a Kids' Block, but Really It's Porn. The only reason he is a Ninja Turtle is good, clean fighting skills. He defeated The Shredder when he gave it SuperPot, which Oscar Wilde knows Shredder is allergic to. Shredz did not come back. Cena fucked it, but it still didn't come back to life. Frustrated, Cena quit, only to come back when he learned Vince McMahon watches TMNT to produce orgies.

“Here comes my favorite part (long pause...) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK YEAAAA!!!”

~ Vince McMahon on John Cena trying to "revive" The Shredder

Back to Baseball[edit]

Once TMNT ends for the year, he returns home to Neptune to work on his faux retiring skills. Then he comes back to Earth (or maybe it's Venus. We don't know, they're twins, and we all love a good set of twins) to take money from the unfine organizations of Major League Baseball. He began a stint with the Paris Hiltons before moving up to the Cincinnati Reds and Washington Nationals, simultaneously. At this point, he was making $123456 a year.


It is the offseason, so he is a Ninja Turtle. Enough Said. He is now also raping Alex Rodriguez every second of every minute of every hour of every day until A-Rod leaves (which, as far, as the Eye In The Sky knows, is never).


Note: Star denotes every team he played with in which he got taken yard by some lifeless hack who really, really, REALLY sucks at life and also doesn't smoke pot, which makes Clemens very, very, VERY ANGRY ARGH!!!!!.


  • Fastball
  • Slowball
  • Oldpeopleball
  • Alcoball
  • Crapball
  • Potball
  • Beanball
  • Changeup/Slider (Chlider)
  • Marijuana
  • Throwing a crackpipe at the batter


Spend a day in the life at the Clemens residence. Make sure to get your free giftbags on the way out.

Clemens enjoys smoking Crack, Pot, Mary Jane, Maireejewonna, and Cannabis. However, he strangely despises cigarettes. When he's not doing that, he's huffing paint kittens. He enjoys playing with his kids (John, 30; Oscar, 153; Shitler, 69), while smoking Crack. He belongs to Crackheads Unanonymous, where he is Chief of Staff. He is good friends with Rob Van Dam. It was him who was driving the car when RVD and Sabu were busted for possession that fateful June evening in 1269. After that, they stopped being friends. Then John Cena overcame the odds and fucked Sabu while he was in jail. Then Clemens bashed Cena in the head with his crackpipe. However, John Cena F-U'd Clemens and Clemens died. It caused him to beat Cena up on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the next day.

His favorite TV show is the Magic School Bus

Family Life[edit]

He has no family life. This is because his entire family died from blacklung and emphysema. Poor family. R.I.P. He usually smokes pot at his father, Darth Vader's, house. He also shoots 50 Cent everytme he visits. Nine times to be exact. His mom, Vince McMahon, is dead because a TV caused his car to asplode. He is all alone. He tried killing himself the other day, but Ash came in and gave him pot. That way, Clemens could lose his train of thought so Ash could get his Charmander back. In other words, everyone died because they smoked pot. Thanks Roger, you murderous, pot-smoking psychopath.

Marijuana Factory Robbery and Arrest[edit]

The scene of the crime. Some guy and Roger Clemens were both caught. Cena was let go again.

First Off, the Robbery[edit]

So one day, his doctor (Phil Astin THE THIRD) told him the pot was gradually consuming his liver and kidneys. As a result, all of Clemens' drugs were excavated from his homes. Frustrated, he rounded up his Ninja Turtle friends and planned a heist of his local marijuana factory. However, Leonardo secretly told all other turtles to back out. So, Clemens was all alone. He was still determined to get his pot. Astin THE THIRD learned of the heist and called federal authorities. Just when Clemens was about to get out free, Some guy came in and raped him.

The Subsequent Arrest[edit]

After Clemens was found raped via Cena, police arrested both of them. However John made sexual advances on the cop and was let go. As for Roger, he was sentenced to 3 days in solitare confinement. After growing bored of playing solitaire all night, he murdered the warden and escaped. Now he roams freely among his turtle friends.

The Subsequent Trial[edit]

Roger Clemens reacts upon being asked if he uses drugs.

On October 31, Clemens was eventually discovered after trick or treating for steroids and HGH. He was brought to trial in the famous People v. Roger Clemens, et al. He was found guilty of loitering under a plea bargain and spent -23 minutes in jail. Upon release from jail, he was shot in the head by Robocop who quipped, "Thank you for not smoking."

Theories on Why Clemens Uses a Crackpipe to Smoke Pot[edit]

Theory One[edit]

The most probable theory of the bunch. We think that maybe he saw his dad, Darth Vader, smoking crack. Then he saw 50 Cent outside his house growing weed. He thought that crack and weed were the same thing. While Darth Vader was out claiming paternity of other random kids, little Roger found an empty crackpipe. Then he shot Fitty nine times and stole his weed. He inserted the weed into the crackpipe, and the rest is history, as cliche artists say.

Theory Two[edit]

As Clemens was walking down the street with Bill Clinton, smoking crack, he saw a gardener. Clemens and Clinton then dropped by to ask what she was doing. "Making pot for later," she replied.
"Can we have some?" Bill inquired.
As they were walking home, Clemens wondered how they were gonna smoke this. Clinton suggested that he use his crackpipes while he ran along to find his good friend. He inserted the marijuana into the pipe and smoked away.

Theory Three[edit]

He was watching Spiderman 7 1/2 while smoking crack. He saw Mary Jane Watson in a sex scene with Oscar Wilde. Then he Googled "Mary Jane". All that came up was marijuana. Think this was her, he bought some marijuana. However, he did not have any paper to roll it up in. The only other drug utility he possessed was his set of crackpipes. He said "Oh, what the hell?" and he started smoking his pot.


None of these theories have been investigated by the KFC, but we suggest they stop chopping the heads off of chickens cases and investigate these theories. Do you think Wikipedia will help them in this case? I don't, that's for sure.

People Who Have Witnessed Roger Clemens Smoke Marijuana[edit]

A c. 12th century painting of Oscar Wilde's reaction to seeing Roger smoking pot.

See Also[edit]