2012: What has power over me ? My fear of the AfterLife

When I was a kid, the first Death I witnessed was the one of my great grandmother.

I was 5, it was the strangest thing because I had not heard about death prior to that moment and then one day, Death was in the house.

My great grandmother lived in what is the Italian equivalent of ‘the projects’ in America, at the time apartments were built with a common balcony that run around all apartments of the floor and then they shared one toilet in the corner of the common balcony.

When they installed the toilets inside the apartments, a few years before I was born, it was an event, the toilet just had the toilet bowl and the water of a hand-held shower run directly into a hole in the floor.

I remember washing myself inside a basin that was filled with water from the boiling pan in the kitchen/lounge, the apartment had 2 rooms, the kitchen lounge and the bedroom, inside that apartment, during the war, there had been up to 6 people sleeping, all in one bedroom with one double bed and a single bed.

In my money schizophrenic life, I had a grandmother that by the standard of the time, was rich, she lived inside an apartment with 2 bathrooms (where I am actually living at the moment), one huge living room (almost as big as my great grandmother apartment), one big terrace, 4 balconies, one master bedroom and one study room and a livable kitchen, big enough to fit a table.

I did not like to live in my great grandmother house during the week when my mum was working, I liked the comfort of my grandmother home and not the poverty that you could breath inside my great grandmother home.

When she died, as it was customary at the time since she died at home, she was left on the big bed for people to come and visit (?) and pay their respect and say one last goodbye.

I couldn’t get around this story of Death, to me it was obvious that she was now an empty box, whatever was that gave her Life had gone, but I could not understand where did it go.

My mum said she had gone to Heaven, nobody knew where heaven was, which for a kid is confusing, because we are just learning that when you go to a place you must know where it is, instead for what concerned heaven everyone was happy to just point at the sky and say ‘it’s up there’.

I wondered how could Heaven be held up by moving clouds and not be visible, not even in the night, they had to turn on some lights, right ? So why didn’t we see them, why couldn’t they wave or stay in touch, what a way to behave, going away like that, no notice, when you go somewhere you have a schedule, you say your goodbyes and make plans for when you will see each other again, you know when you are going to leave, instead Death had no schedule, one day you were Here and the next you were in Heaven.

My great grandmother was very religious, she went to mass in the morning, every morning, and dragged me along, I did not like the church at all, churches are cold and designed to inspire Fear, everything is huge, the columns, the arches, the paintings of bloody saints and martyrs, beheaded, hanged, it’s definitely not a happy place, churches in Italy are cold even in summer, and all the people sitting and saying the rosary were puzzling, each one started and went at their own pace, mumbling the Hail Mary in latin, if I were God I would have liked specific and unique words to highlight my wondrous creation, not a chorus of boring rosaries, but at the time there was the point of devotion, reciting the rosary was a show of devotion, usually dressed in black, with the head covered and kneeling down.

So, since I was already brainwashed into the Catholic tradition from kinder garden, I knew the requirements to go to Heaven, my great grandmother fit them all, no one was worried about her post-mortem destination.

Still, once they left me alone in the bedroom with the corpse, while they greeted the visiting guests for which there was food to share,  I tried to pull her up, the death thing as a definite was not clear to me, so I whispered to her to stop it, that people in the other room were sad and believing she was no longer here, please pull yourself up. I did not have the strength to pull her up completely, I managed a half sitting position with humongous effort, she was cold and heavy even though she was skinny and frail by the time she died,  and then that point of trying to lift up a very heavy empty box, I could not get over the impression of being around an empty body.

When they came in from the other room, they screamed and shouted, I dropped her down, then explanations followed from my mother about Death, trying to make me understand that when someone dies, they are no longer here.

They sent the casket, put her inside and we went down to follow the funeral, we walked behind the funeral car very slowly, many people had come to see the funeral as she was loved and respected and considered a ‘good devout woman’, my mother was crying, she had been raised by my great grandmother, I understood crying at funeral was appropriate and even demanded, but I could not cry and felt guilty about it, I wanted to feel as sad as my mum, for support,  I even tried to think about sad things with no success, death had not yet hit me personally  as something  sad.

I have seen other 2 corpses in my life, one a friend of my uncle and then my uncle, I have missed all the other deaths of the family due to living abroad, the other 2 corpses I have seen left me with the same feeling, empty boxes.

It was easy for me to believe in Life after death, in a place where all the boxes contents had gone, because I saw it with my own eyes, only the body was buried, the ‘inside’ was no longer there, must have gone somewhere, Heaven was plausible.

I had more troubles with Hell, at one point in my Life I accepted Hell was ‘living in separation from God’, I gave up the flames of hell for the belief in a metaphorical hell of our own creation, I still held on to the belief that God was benevolent, only in my teenage years I was angry and questioned God, but found no sounding boards in Italy and the feedback was always the same, we can’t understand the BIG plan, in the great scheme of things we are insignificant, God has a reason for everything, one day we will understand it all. I gave in, they all believed it and they loved me, it must be so then.

But honestly I embraced this belief because I feared it might not be so, and I had no other explanation that made any sense, around the age of 13 or 14 I discovered there were other religions, WHAT ?? How can there be other religions ? But they reassured me, they have not yet heard of Jesus, only our religion is RIGHT, and they will go to Hell for what they believe. That was another point I had against Hell, why people who had not been blessed like us Roman Catholics to hear about Jesus would have to go to Hell ? How can you be punished for NOT knowing ? Rome was far away from the Middle East, to take just one example, they could not hear the Sunday bells (and all the other days bells), how would they know ?

Many beliefs about the afterlife were weird, I settled for the New Age ones, We are God, I am a Light Worker, Namaste, I salute the divinity in You.

Then I moved to Asia. They believed  really weird stuff !! They believed in the Hungry Ghosts coming to take bodies on a special Month of the lunar calendar, they suggested to not let the kids into the water during that time, body snatching happened more easily inside the water; they believed the afterlife was just like here and that there were days when the doors of this world and the Other World were opened up and gifts could be sent through fire, so a whole industry of paper replicas had developed for the offerings to the Other World,

this included paper money, credit cards, plane tickets, clothes, shoes, houses, mansions, paper maids (and thanks God for that or they would have burnt the Filipino people for real to send them to their ancestors),

of course even in death offerings there was a gap between rich and poor, the poor ones could barely send a paper house, maybe a simple 2 rooms one, the rich ones could send a mansion designed by an architect, the offerings could cost anything from 2 USD dollars to 1000 USD,  they even believed that if you were disabled here you would be disabled There, so they made paper wheelchairs to burn on the offering days. They had many Gods and they bribed them regularly with paper money offerings, The Chinese especially were never hypocritical about Money, they had the God of Wealth at the entrance of every temple because if you were in a rush that was the God you wanted to find the closest, they would kow tow, touching their forehead to the floor, in front of the God, make an offering to the Temple, have the temple keeper bang the drums to let the God know you were there and had paid the entrance fee and then they would detail their request. They believed as well that Heaven was as deceitful as here and as Hell, so everything they sent over they sent it with the specific address tag “Miss Chan…. The Other World”.

This left a big impression on me, this lack of trust was a point that bothered me, if you don’t even trust the Gods because they are spiteful and evil, who can you trust ? What kind of fear did they live with ?

More or less same as mine 🙂

Once I was convinced about the fact that there was in fact nothing clear about the Afterlife, I started to wonder where was the truth, who knew it and why it was not disclosed. What happened to us in the afterlife ?

When I met Desteni and discovered they were channeling dead people, I was not one bit surprised, there they were, the surprise was about what they had to say, in fact it was a shock, such was the shock that as I said in some of my other posts I could not take in on board at the first encounter with Desteni, I fucked around for another 2 years, between Matrix Energetics, Russian teachings of Grabovoi, shamans, healers and then the day that I was clear about having exhausted my options in self fucking (we chatted with my buddy last night and I said, if there was a job for that “experienced self fucker” it would have to be mine !), with the tail between my leg I went back to Desteni and accepted the truth, Self as origin taking responsibility.

I still fear the afterlife, not like before though, now I fear that I will indeed still be there/Here and will have to face what I have not cleared within this lifetime and not the opposite, as Bernard said once, death as in deletion would be a point of Mercy, what I did not get yet is, will we have access to this Mercy, because we have created a merciless world to which we stand One and Equal, will we be Equal to Mercy by the time we cross over ?

Will we have got the point that this is our creation and everything is happening as a consequence of our separation from everything that exists or we will keep the self fucking going to the point of mercilessness ?

One of my good Italian friend that I have introduced to the EMS said to me about Equal Money, “we will have to see if we accept that we deserve such a system” ! And I saw this point clearly, we are abusing ourselves and the world as an outflow of our belief in deserved punishment of ourselves and others, as the score keeping of our demented minds that having forgotten the separation don’t forgive themselves and others as themselves, having for-gotten that there are no others !

This world is our Self Expression, One Self Expression, the sum of our debts, suppressions, fears, beliefs, ideas, yes, crashing, humbling, makes us weep, but we can stand up and let go the ledger as the illusion that is keeping this reality alive, it will take the dropping of our masks, and the dropping of our debts, I have started to drop my debts through Self Forgiveness, so there is one less bookkeeper in the world and we may embrace the solution as the point of Mercy for ourselves and the World, One and Equal.

Let’s correct ourselves now to leave behind a world of No Fear that can be enjoyed by everyone Equally as an expression of who we are as Life and not who we are as a surviving, competing, evil species that is leaving behind a wake of Death and Destruction. This is NOT who we are, time to wake up and review our Lives while alive to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All without having to wait for the Mercy of Death. Imagine the surprise to discover that the real Mercy was in the Physical, within the substance that was always Here standing One and Equal to everything that exists, while we fucked with ourselves in endless time loops in and as our Minds.


Equal Money

support the Equal Life Foundation and get yourself a real Education from the ones that have already crossed over, to know what’s happening in the HereAfter at


Leave a Reply


WordPress.com Logo


Google photo


Twitter picture


Facebook photo


Connecting to %s