Why People Who Say "Being a Lesbian Would Be So Much Easier Than Dating Guys" Should Shut Up Forever

I don't think you know what "lesbian" means.

I have a mutual friend who, any time I mention a girl I have a crush on (it's painfully rare that I have a crush on anyone, but it does happen and sometimes when it happens it's on a girl), always says, "Ugh I wish I could do it! I just can't." Like dating someone of the same gender is a weird food trend she knows it's cool to like, but it just sounds gross to her. Lesbian sex is her turducken.

Every time she says this I want to shake her and tell her a million things. Things like, "You don't choose your sexuality!" and, "Can you please stop talking about it like you're a child who's afraid of trying beets even though your mom tells them they're packed with vitamins?" But mostly I just want to tell her to never speak about anything gay again ever.

With the rise (but still gross underrepresentation) of lesbians in the media (Orange Is the New Black, Transparent, Ellen Page in real life), it's become "cool" to be a lesbian on some level. But it's a very specific level.

To hear this person tell it, being a lesbian is just two girls gabbin', shopping, and talking about taking a hip-hop dance class together. In the magical world of heteronormativity, being a lesbian never involves getting harassed by guys on the street who treat you and your girlfriend like you're starring in a live-action porn, even though you're both wearing hoodies. It never involves your family disowning you because they can't handle your sexual orientation, nor does it involve the homelessness that often follows that.

Nope. It's just a bubblegum-colored anime video full of girls braiding each other's hair and understanding each other's emotions and bodies instantly because lesbians are magic! Did you know that? Oh, yes. All lesbian relationships last forever and ever without fail. That's why you never meet any single lesbians. Because dating is just that easy.

And partner violence? What partner violence? Lesbians surely aren't physically or sexually assaulted significantly more by their partners than straight women. No, no, no. It's really just one nonstop shared closet full of lipgloss and emojis.

The people who are most likely to talk about how super kewl being a lesbian would be are the ones who will also introduce their lesbian friends as "my lesbian friend" when their friend isn't around. They may even be so kind to add that their lesbian friend is, "probably, like, totally in love with me. But I've told her, like, she's gorgeous. I wish I could. But no," when that friend has never, ever thought of this girl romantically or sexually ever because she is someone who would say something like that.

This idea that being a lesbian means "a person who is able to force themselves to be attracted to other women because it is cool" is so disgusting and minimizing and obnoxious. Are you straight because it's cool, or because it's the only way you've ever felt and you know it's who you are? The latter? That's how lesbians feel too. Except for the fact that lesbians exist in a world that, for most of their lives, does not think they're cool at all.

From an early age, lesbians already know the inherent otherness involved in homosexuality. They know it's not OK and they know to keep it a secret. They know if they come out, they could lose everything, the world could become more violent and hostile, and who wants that? Apparently, the girl who said it'd be so much easier being gay.

So I've devised this little guidebook to help you figure out if being a lesbian would be easier for you:

  • Have you always wanted your parents to stop loving you because you were born slightly differently than they'd imagined?
  • Have you always thought it would be kind of cool to be paid less just because of who you love or how you look?
  • Do you think it'd be fun to be pushed to a breaking point by your family, friends, and society in general, so much so that you're four times more likely to commit teen suicide than your peers?

    Then, yes, "becoming" a lesbian might be easier for you than dating guys!

    So the next time someone tells you dating would be soooo much easier if they were a lesbian, here are a few stock replies you can feel free to use: "That doesn't make sense," "Seriously, think about that one more time and then realize it doesn't make sense," or, "I love cookies so much. Don't you? Who doesn't love cookies? Cookies are great."

    And then walk away, calmly, wrapped in the knowledge that they simply might not know any better and you don't have to teach them if you don't feel like it.

    Follow Lane on Twitter.

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