Working Parent, at a Net Loss

Updated on January 17, 2014
F.B. asks from Kew Gardens, NY
27 answers

Mamas & Papas-

How many of you are, or know of parents who choose to be a dual income family, even when the second/ lesser job brings in less than the child care costs necessary to facilitate two working parents?

I know with the cost of quality daycare, before care, aftercare lengthy commutes, etc, many parents, even working professionals, in our area are forced to consider whether one parent should become a stay at home parent, as it is less expensive than the child care costs, especially when there is a second or more child in the equation.

Others decide, even if they work at a financial loss, their family can afford the deficeit, because:
1. working is important to their sense of self.
2. working is important to how they want their children to see them.
3. they are too long in the tooth to give up their career.
4. they are too young in the career to be derailed.
5. the kids will only be young for so long, but their career is something they want to pursue for a lifetime.

Is this your experience? Does it sound familiar?

F. B.

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So What Happened?

Just wanted to pose the question, because so often we see people calculating whether they can afford to stay at home should they choose to. Just wondering if others calculate whether they can afford to remain at work should they choose to.

Thank you all for your comments and feedback. I asked the question in terms of SAHP, not SAHM, because frankly, different families handle this differently.

Good and interesting point re: single parents. I guess they have worked out a way to make sure that they work and have extra, otherwise, why work at all?

F. B.

Featured Answers



answers from Oklahoma City on

I hated staying at home with the kids. I felt like nothing more than a servant. I enjoyed challenges, accomplishing so much in my work. I was very good in my career.

Staying at home I did little more than mop up messes, do laundry, do dishes, cook numerous meals, and clean and clean and clean. I had no time to even read a book.

When I worked I came home and cooking dinner then hubby did the dishes. I was free for the rest of the evening with probably a load of laundry going.

I had time to interact with the kids and I guarantee it was much more positive.

I hated being stuck home all day. I was so glad when I was able to go back to work.

But we were able to get child care assistance when I worked and hubby worked because even with the income we qualified for some state assistance to help pay the cost of child care.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I work and go to school part time. My wages, loans, and grants *just* cover childcare costs. I'm going to school because I want to work at a job that pays a living wage, allows me to be of service to my community, and that I like doing. I'm working because I need the experience (to get into a good school after this).

Some days it doesn't seem worth it. I feel really stretched thin.

But then, I visited one of the universities I'm interested in and I felt so proud of myself! I've worked really hard to get where I'm at. My whole family has and soon I'll be able to support us all. :-)

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I think number 5 is key. As for me, I am not one to stay at home. So, if it were a question of child care costs vs income, I would begin to calculate things long term.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Roanoke on

Let me add one more point to your list:

We see both of us working and growing in our careers as excellent insurance.

If one of us were to become disabled, die, or lose a job, the other could support the family financially. It would be a lot easier to make that transition with a job already in place than it would be to find a good job at the time of a major life loss.
Also, neither of us is totally dependent on the other. Divorce is not something we ever envision happening-- we are happily married-- but I know many women who feel stuck in their marriage because their husband supports them financially. We don't want our staying together to be for any reason other than the fact that we love each other.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

As expensive as childcare is - and in my state the going rate for infant care is easily $1000 - $1200 a month - I find it hard to believe that there are many families where going to work and paying for childcare literally nets out to a negative number unless they have more than one child in daycare. You would have to make maybe $20K including taxes, commuting expenses, etc. and go to the most expensive daycare around for that to be possible with one child.

So let's assume the issue really applies to families with more than one care-aged child...those are the ones I know where the take-home pay after childcare isn't very much and they have to weigh the pros and cons. When my husband was unemployed/self employed and we had two little guys in daycare, we did consider having him stay home and try to work evenings or weekends but we realized that that was really short-sighted and that it wasn't worth it to have him out of a career for a year or two. I have the steadier career and carry all of our benefits so it wouldn't have been worth it to me.

If I were in the position of evaluating this for myself, none of the reasons you listed would be why I would choose to work. For me, I would never, ever give up the financial security of bringing in my own paycheck, having access to affordable health insurance and retirement savings, etc. I would worry too much about the what-ifs...what if my husband got laid off, or really sick or injured, or died, or left? Yes we have insurance for those things, but who wants to live on that? What if the small company he works for dropped health insurance or provided a non-subsidized plan that costs $1000 or more a month (the retail value of my plan, of which I pay a fraction)? What if he had a lousy retirement plan without an employer match and profit sharing? And so on and so on. Those are the kinds of long-term financial security issues that are really important to me and are things I like to have control over. Giving that up to stay home for a few years would seem very short-sighted to me.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Just have to post bc of some of the replies that are along the lines of mommy wars. I make high six figures a year. Giving up my job made zero sense financially. Doesn't mean I haven't felt guilty but when all is said and done, my kids are very happy, well behaved, well cared for, I spend a lot of time with them, they do well in school and I sacrificed too in a way doing this. I have had so little time to myself the past many years. Gym? Never. Date nights? Rare. Outings that don't include my kids? Very rare. Fortunately I don't work long hours and am very close to home. And it means college and retirement are paid for and some inheritance for my kids bc they might not be as lucky as I've been professionally. Perhaps they will have the choice of staying home someday bc I can help them financially. But some would say I've let others raise my kids. I don't know. Sometimes the equation is different.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I think you're forgetting O. possible scenario: the net GAIN, however minuscule is absolutely necessary.
I think a career is O. thing; a job another.
Remember, many women lack the status of a "career." And, gotta remember the single moms without the luxury of an option of NOT working--career or j-o-b.
When the rubber hits the road, I think most moms know exactly WHY they're working. I don't know many who haven't crunched the numbers and weighed the pros and cons six ways from Sunday!

Me? I'm lucky that my boss and company were flexible and thought I added value enough to let me switch (after motherhood) to very flexible PT hours rather than lose my knowledge. RARE in the workplace. I'm grateful and blessed. And loyal.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I know a woman who works but childcare takes up her whole check. However, her job provides insurance. And she loves the contact outside the house that does not involve the kids. She says that even if they are not ahead money, they are ahead with the kids learning and socializing.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chattanooga on

I don't work now because I wouldn't make enough to cover child care. Right now, my SIL lives with us so she can go to school, so we have it worked out that she watches my DD while I am in class (and I provide her transportation to and from her classes...). But if I were to work too, I would have to do so during SIL's class hours.

My cousin works even though it costs her more than she makes. Her husband's job pays well enough that they can eat the extra expense. The reason that she continues working is because she works with severely handicapped adults, who have pretty much been abandoned/forgotten by their families. She was working there long before she met her husband, and has formed deep relationships with many of her residents. So she keeps working there, so they can have that sense of stability and family.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I don't get the premise. If it were really the case, then most single mothers would stay home because at least they wouldn't be losing money. And yet they don't - they go out and work - because otherwise there is no food, no house and no heat. I am not sure why we don't look at husbands choosing to stay home because they don't make enough. We expect them to work and to work towards advancement so they will make more money. I think many women do not look at the downside taking years off will have on their future careers. Or the benefits of insurance and retirement savings which can be very significant.

I would work no matter what. I have wanted to have my career since I was 6 years old. I will have it long after my son has his own career. I want my son to see me as an equal participant in our family but also in the world outside our family. I want my son to grow up expecting his life partner to want her/his own career and for him to expect to be an equal participant in raising his children if he chooses to have children. Fortunately I chose a career that allows me to provide well for my family, our retirement and my son's education.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

We were considering the same thing at some point when we had our second child however with my job I had to factor in my 401k potential and medical insurance which were provided by our employers. Taking that into consideration and the possibility of future raises/bonuses/position made the decision less black and white.Plus the cost staying at home should include extra groceries, utilities and entertainment. I stuck with the job and kiddos are thriving at daycare/school.

I think it also depends on what type of career you are in, how easy/or not it would be to get back into your field and at what salary/position loss. Also, if you do stay at home you can always take some online/community college classes to keep your mind sharp to at least have something on your resume during the break of employment.

I also realized that my kids got a lot out of daycare that I wouldn't have been able to provide for them as a SAHM - social, learning, structured environment to prep them for public school, etc.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

I've been very lucky in my situation. I was an Adjunct at the local university, just two nights a week, and had my parents to baby sit. Adjuncts get paid peanuts, but I didn't have the cost of childcare - until my second was born. I was barely able to pay childcare, but we decided it was definitely worth it, as it could lead to a full-time position.

I do work full-time now, and there are perks to my position - summers off, breaks, 50% tuition for my kids (if the state legislature doesn't change that perk). I don't make much after child-care, but it still helps.

I do know of couples who both work because one brings in a good paycheck and the other provides the health insurance.

It's not always easy to know what to do. I definitely had days in the beginning, when the kids were still transitioning, when I feared I should not have taken the job. I think we all have those days. But in the end, you do what you think is best for your family overall.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I've been a working mom and a stay at home mom. (When my youngest goes off to college in the coming year, I'll finally be an empty nester, yikes!)

I was well established in my career when I had my first child - I remember paying my student loan off the same month I gave birth! (Then the money went to diapers, LOL!)

I worked until we started moving around for my husband's career. I also got in the minimum (alot more) than 40 quarters for my social security and medicare. I believe that's SO important.

Younger moms don't necessarily get far up enough in their careers to make enough money to be able to have enough left over after paying into social security, medicare, health and other insurance, etc. and pay for childcare. I was offered a job with my daycare making the same as the director, which was decent money, but I would not have had retirement money and other perks, so I didn't change careers. As it was, I was able to take time off during the day to take my son to speech therapy twice a week because I was the manager and had many years of tenure - I would not have done this at a new job, even being the assistant director. (It's different when you have hired the people under you - all the teachers at my children's daycare would have been her hires and I wouldn't have asked it of her...)

I feel that I had a lot of quality time with my children while I was working. I was organized about my time and had a good schedule with them. It worked well. I was able to build up my retirement and get good experience and life learning skills by working. My children know that I worked, too.

After I stopped working, they had me to come home to once they started elementary school. I actually feel that that was better for them. I was able to manage the house better and help them more as a SAHM than when they were really little. And they are in school for many years longer than when they are really little...

I'm glad that I did both. Working now in a full time job doesn't make sense in our financial situation - I substitute teach because I like it, and I do a lot of charity work. I'm glad that I can - someone needs to do charity work. It's such a worthwhile thing to make a difference in peoples' lives. And it's good for children to see their parents 'give back', so to speak.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are reasons to work and reasons to stay at home, and one can't just put dollars and cents alone into the decision, especially in the short term.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Now that I'm older I am giving unasked for advice. If you can, stay home with your children. Time passes,careers may change, and if people think they have a future in something that's nice but doesn't always happen. Really truly daycare often costs about as much as the extra income. Ok, this didn't answer your question at all, but maybe someone will think about it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Reading on

It's not just the cost of daycare. Other costs of working include wardrobe, travel, continuing education, meals out, work related supplies, as well as wear and tear on a second car and time missed with the children - time that can never be gotten back. Financially, it made no sense for me to stay in my job, and I didn't want to have my kids just to hand them over to someone else and pay them to do the job I wanted to do. I save our family money by not having a second income.

Eta - several other posters stayed because they were in academia. I left a tenure track position after my book came out and a very positive 4th year review. I was working 12-14 hour days with a full teaching load and an administrative position as a program director. I was also responsible for study abroad, which meant several months of international travel every year. I know people do it, but I couldn't figure out how to have children and maintain that schedule. Leaving that position meant not coming back, as tenure track positions in my field are rare. I'm so glad I did. No regrets.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

When my children were younger, child care cost did eat up most of my salary. I kept my job because I would never be able to get another tenure track position again. I purposefully waited until I got tenure before I had children. If I left I would have given up tenure, my pension and any hope of working full time in my field. In my particular subject area, jobs are extremely difficult to get, very competitive. If committees see that an applicant has left a previous full time job to take care of children, then there is a bit of reluctance about hiring them again because of the fear that they might do it again. (BTW, I have seen folks leave in this way. It is a real hardship on the college as that position might not ever be funded again.) I know this might be/seem illegal. Nothing illegal is ever done. It is simple that there are so many applicants that the college is able to hire any of about 20 extremely qualified, talented folks.

So, I worked. It was hard and expensive. I have had to pass up many opportunities and promotions in order to be able to have children and work in my field. I am glad I did keep working because I know have an established career, pension, seniority and many plans for what my future career will look like when my children are in college and beyond. I will say that working full time while raising small children was beyond exhausting. I know how hard SAHMs work and this is not meant to make it seem like my experience was worse. Rather, I am saying the my situation was NOT ideal and that I would have liked to have had more time at home with my kids and to just generally keep things going. That is not the choice I made. I am very glad those first few hard years are done!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Raleigh on

We could afford the deficit, but chose not to. My husband and I both worked very good career jobs before we had our son 3 months ago. We didn't want to send him to daycare, so we decided that I would quit my job and stay home with our son, probably until after we have another baby. We made this decision because it's what we both wanted for our family, and we feel really blessed to be able to decide NOT based on money or income.

We planned our lives out so that we both got our educations out of the way and established our careers before having kids. I will get back into my career at some point in the future because I do enjoy my field, but for now I feel like I have no greater purpose than being a SAHM.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I have a friend who was working to keep the healthcare benefits since her husband's job did not provide good coverage for their family. Another worked while she got a business started, so she knew it was just a PT thing til the business took off.

In my case, there would have to be a really compelling reason to stay in a job if I was basically just working to pay the sitter. I had a decent paying job, that sucked out my soul. I actually left in in part because my health and my child (who was affected by my health) was more important. She is only this young once and likely my only child. I now work PT from home, while she is in school.

For me, we crunched our budget, and factored in savings for my commute (long), child care, expenses like work clothes, dry cleaning, lunches, wear and tear on the car, etc. Not working more means she's not in private school. But when SD called from the nurse's office, I was there in 10 minutes. There are pros and cons to everything, but I am overall happy with our choice.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Grand Forks on

Most families I know with two working parents (and more than one child) do so at a loss until the kids are school aged. This is after you factor in the cost of child care, commuting, work clothes, money spent on convenience foods, hiring people to clean house and do yard work, extra car insurance etc. Parents who work opposite shifts and do not have to pay for child care, and parents of school aged kids usually come out ahead because the child care expense is much less. The moms I knew who went back to work at a loss did so because they were new to their careers and couldn't put them on hold.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

I went back to work after my first child.. I did not want my child in day care.. (she was 6 months old) so we paid a nanny.. $320 a week.. to watch her.. by the time you subtract .. gas lunch out.. childcare.. etc.. I was making less than the nanny.. so 18 months later I had a second child and I quit..

when I worked our federal tax bill was about 20K a year..(maybe more I don't remember exactly...) the first year I didn't work and we had only 1 salary.. our federal tax bill was $6K.. way different..

it really doesn't make sense to have 2 working parents.. paying childcare cost ... and the craziness of everyone running out the door as fast as they can in the am..

working part time is a great life..

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

When you factor in my student loans with everything else you mentioned, I make about $20 a month. Once my kids are both in school full time, this will improve, and most of my student loan balances will be forgiven in about 7.5 years, so I try to focus on the long term, plus building a rewarding career.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

If it didn't make financial sense for me to work, I wouldn't work. On the other hand, my husband has in the past made less than childcare costs, and he continues to work because he is still working up in his career, and that's important to us. I suppose I don't know why the double standard, but it's true.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

If the discrepancy was negligible, I'd go back to work. But for us, the cost of daycare for 3 kids would WAY outweigh my income and the commitment I'd need to go back to work.

The only job I am qualified for that would pay the cost of my kids' daycare would be teaching middle school or high school social studies, but I know I can't dedicate that much of my home time to be the kind of teacher I want to be. So, I'd have to work a clerical job, and it'd cover only about 2/3 the cost.

If it was just a few hundred bucks a month difference, I'd probably stay home, depending upon how much I liked my specific employer and how understanding they are of working moms' needs, like being able to take off when their kids are sick.



answers from Detroit on

I have never been married and have always been the main provider for my kids. So, I didnt think twice about taking a new position at a higher wage with better health coverage-even though with the commute it was keeping me from home 12+ hrs a day 6-7 days a week.
However-after two years of this and losing my father (which my employer didn't bother to recognize beyond the three bereavement days) I was not surprised when I was included in layoffs.
The transition was tough-but I'm at the point now where I wonder why other parents do it. I can see tge benefit to the children and Traffic is TERRIBLE everyday at drop off-and I understand ppl need to get to work-but it's a school zone ppl. Please don't run over my kid for you career!



answers from Tampa on

I work for many reasons...primarily because I HAVE to in order to support my family. I also grew up in a very abusive situation with a mother that felt that she could NOT leave because she was unable to support herself. She taught me that I should ALWAYS keep my skills up to date and be able to support my family. I have a Master's degree in my field of expertise now and I make a pretty decent living. I also work to fund college and retirement accounts. Lastly, I do enjoy my field and my career.

Frankly, if I only had the ability and skills to get a minimum wage job rather than a career, it would be hard to justify working with the daycare costs...


answers from Williamsport on

I'm a stay at home mom who worked for 17 years before having kids. We moved to a location where we could afford to survive on one income when I got pregnant, and therefore, with lower cost of living, the incomes are such that if I worked, I would not come close to affording daycare. My husband's income is larger than local income, he kept his traveling job. I don't know how people do it (the two incomes-one of which doesn't cover daycare), aside from the reasons on your list. I had one child in part time daycare for a few months, and most of the moms there worked at a local university. Which does not pay much. I'm pretty sure they just loved their jobs and didn't feel like staying home. That daycare was EXPENSIVE full time. Unless their spouses were rich (not likely) they were PAYING to have the kids in daycare all day rather than saving by staying home.

In my personal career, it was always changing and I was often freelance, and then I had my own business, and I was losing interest in it and wanted to start something it didn't seem impossible to "go back to work" after maternity leave. But I may be unpleasantly surprised when I try! If I had the type of job where leaving for a few years would permanently damage my income and opportunities, I would have considered keeping it at all costs. Also, my personality type finds great worth in being home with the kids. If I felt great worth at work, I would have taken that path.

As for my friends, some who work do contribute financially-some are single moms without adequate support to stay home (I'm very lucky and got full support from ex due to his travel schedule). Some have teens now and their jobs have advanced to a place where they do contribute financially and their kids have jobs too.



answers from New York on

I think it doesn't make sense for both parents to work if the income of one is less than the expense, commute, food, and aggravation of going to work and leaving your child with someone else. If u are making something I think part time is the best think because u get to spend time seeing your kids grow up which no amount of money can bring back, but also keep your foot in the door as far as work so you don't have a big gap in your resume. And I know some people just work for health insurance which is definately important but u have to consider how much taxes your paying to have that job and how much you'd be getting back if you didn't have it that's extra money right there. Then again with this economy either parent could lose q job so it's not good to give up any job these days I'd u have one. It's a catch 22.

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