Sunday, October 19, 2014



You might have Ebola if: 1) You are Presbyterian
2) You flew on a plane in the last twenty years
4) You left home at least once in your life.
7) If you ate food from anywhere.
9) You said the word Africa.
10) You give in to this stupid panic.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Holiday Menu: Tofucken and Yoohoo Wine











Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The Thanksgiving Nightmare - Handling a Naked Turkey




Mom: “47”
Me: “Oh no!”
Mom: “Why? How many did you remove?”


Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Last of the Red Hot Sexters







Monday, June 17, 2013

My First Colonoscopy or How to Keep A Healthy Colon



Doctors will tell you, “It isn’t so bad. It saves lives and the drugs are good.” They will say anything to convince you to have it done.  Friends who have survived the ordeal say the night before preparations prior the procedure are the worst part.   Either way, I was going to avoid it as long as possible.  It was me against them.  This time they won. 





















Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Halloween Is All Tricks and No Treats





Can you imagine the conversation?



Friday, June 15, 2012

The Amendments to the US Constitution (Written For the Average American, with humor)

 Amendment 1
You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it may be. You have the right to shout, at full volume, the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to the slaughter.

Amendment 2
You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they're for squirrels and such.

Amendment 3
You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, "Go to Hell," if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.

Amendment 4
The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it's for your own good.

Amendment 5
The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law... unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right to not have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.

Amendment 6
You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you're in for a long wait.

Amendment 7
You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you're a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you're S.O.L.

Amendment 8
You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, and hanged is not cruel or unusual.

Amendment 9
Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn't mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won't stop them from trying.

Amendment 10
Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn't like those rules, they'll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?

Amendment 11
This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand, so it can't possibly be important.

Amendment 12
In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim it is, we'll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.

Amendment 13
No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!

Amendment 14
States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless you're black, female, poor, or a teenager.

Amendment 15
Okay, black people can vote now too, but not the poor, females, or teenagers; and don't even get us started on poor female teenagers!

Amendment 16
The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.

Amendment 17
You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you're willing to learn.

Amendment 18
You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.

Amendment 19
Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!

Amendment 20
Crap about the president and congress... boring...

Amendment 21
Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over, next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.

Amendment 22
We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!

Amendment 23
You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.

Amendment 24
Voting is now free. Even the trailer trash who couldn't afford the 18 cents before can now almost afford to vote.

Amendment 25
It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you'll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense... and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.

Amendment 26
Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?

Amendment 27
Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain't cheap you know.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Gingrich’s Moon Colony: ‘May Divorce Be With You’

Saturday Night Live brings us a glimpse into a not-so-distant future, a future when Barack Obama‘s second term leads us into a nightmarish socialist dystopia. Luckily, Newt Gingrich‘s vision for a moon colony became a reality.

Monday, May 14, 2012

English May Be Dangerous for Your Health





CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.  Apparently Speaking English is what kills you.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Hypocrite Michelle Bachmann Citizen of Socialist Country

Anti-socialist and Tea Party spokesperson Michele Bachmann announced she's a citizen of Switzerland, a socialist nation with universal health care and marriage equality. On a related note, Bachmann's family has received a quarter of a million dollars in farm subsidies, the very thing she rails against. We knew she was a bozo when she emerged on the national scene wanting to investigate anyone in Congress "who wasn't patriotic." Seems as this anti-socialist "patriot" takes government handouts AND chooses to be a citizen of a socialist country. It's time for her constituents in Minnesota to dump her for someone who'll better represent the people of her district instead of re-electing this goofy gadfly.

By: Tracy Knauss

Bachmann’s husband Marcus is eligible for Swiss citizenship because his parents are Swiss immigrants, but he only recently registered with the Swiss government, Politico reported earlier this week. Michele Bachmann and her three youngest children became Swiss citizens on March 19, according to the Politico report.

"I have never exercised any rights of that citizenship. Rather, I have always pledged allegiance to our one nation under God, the United States of America. We live in the greatest nation humankind has ever known and I am proud to be an American but it's nice to have someplace to run to if I screw up too bad."

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Corporations to be Executed

We believe that corporations are not persons and possess only the privileges we willfully grant them. Granting corporations the status of legal "persons" effectively rewrites the Constitution to serve corporate interests as though they were human interests. Ultimately, the doctrine of granting constitutional rights to corporations gives a thing illegitimate privilege and power that undermines our freedom and authority as citizens. While corporations are setting the agenda on issues in our Congress and courts, We the People are not; for we can never speak as loudly with our own voices as corporations can with the unlimited amplification of money.

The GOP is always talking about "going back to the constitution" that our forefathers created.  We're certain they will take on the task of trying,  sentencing or executing, as need be,  corporations guilty of massive crimes against the middle class and poor. 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Romney First Robot to Run for President

How a candidate of Romney's pedigree could cut such an unsympathetic figure has become a minor obsession in the media. Explanations range from his association with the corporate one percent to his willingness to contradict himself on key issues. All these are true, but the underlying dynamic governing our reaction to his controversial affiliations and positions is a completely natural psychological response to competing stimuli -- one that's best summed up with a technological metaphor. 

In robotics, researchers have observed that as an object acquires human-like properties, people respond to the object with more positive feelings. The less human-like an object, the less empathy.  Robots have been created that approximate human behavior so closely that the mind interprets the robot in human terms even if the machine lacks a human face. The result is an unsettling feeling that borders on anxiety or revulsion. When a robot inspires such emotions, it's said to have fallen into the uncanny valley of a conceptual graph that charts fluctuations in our empathetic capacity. 

Most politicians tend to be ordinary-looking people who spend their time convincing voters they're office-quality material. Romney is rushing the other way: he's the politician from central casting who is stumbling through an audition for a role of regular human. Not that other candidates don't make mistakes -- they do, all the time -- but in Romney's case awkward moments stand out like neon road signs precisely because we expect him to make the jump from TV to reality as effortlessly and convincingly as his polished appearance would imply. 

Romney's task now is to work his way out of the uncanny valley toward a more compelling style of humanity. There's an app being developed for that but will it be ready and will he be able to master it in time?

Sunday, April 15, 2012


Magic!!! For the Lady of the House!
Love a man singing to just me.
I'll bet that you've never seen anything like this before...for women only!

After you type your name in, a card comes up that says, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, on it...then...just wait about 10-20 seconds. It's worth the wait! Click on the link below...(hard to see).

Type your name - and wait for your song...

Friday, April 13, 2012

How to Live Forever

Pass to all 60 yrs and older. Cardiovascular Exercise
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.

That's enough for the first day. Great Job! Have a glass of wine.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Wal-Mart vs. The Morons

PLEASE, READ THIS TO THE END. IT IS VERY INTERESTING!!! (This is an email that landed in my mail box but thought it worth passing on)


2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!





in only fifteen years.







To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature





d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and but it isn't helping or getting to the right place.





In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey ... And now Pakistan .......previous home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!

Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour  Hundreds of Billions of $s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries! We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.


99% of people won't have the guts to forward this.
I'm one of the 1% -- I Just Did

**Irate comments welcome from all sides.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

 I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

 Was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
 Several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
 Who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me.
 With men's balls'

 Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
 Boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
 Beet-red and walked away.
 To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 Embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
 Before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
 Any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
 To have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
 Not only did Bob have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
 Were laughing so hard!

 Now, didn't that feel good?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Top 10 Ways to Cope With the Holidays Without Committing a Felony

1. Reduce expectations and find joy in the fact that the refrigerator light bulb still works.

2. Have a good place to hide from the crazy relatives. Under the bed is an excellent choice. Carry a blanket with you at all times. You can immediately cover your head so no one knows you are there.

3. Splurge and buy a hard hat for yourself. Wear it until January 3, especially if you expect to survive putting up lights and  nasty fights over holiday deep discounts.

4. Get a yule log and a wassail when you figure out what they are. Get me one too. Buy lots of Coke in the Coca-Cola Santa can.  They are getting rid of the polar bear cans.  Another Classic failure. Coca Cola Santa always makes me happy.  Plus it goes well with rum!

5. Write a letter to Santa and tell on everyone who has been naughty. Revenge is sweet, and you can’t wrap and put a bow on that package.

6. Have plenty of aluminum foil and duct tape around. It will come in handy for something. Never use aluminum foil as a substitute for a dinner plate. Never use a dinner plate as a substitute for aluminum foil. Never duct tape a turkey.

7. Remember silence is golden, and duct tape is silver. Knowing when to apply gold or silver is important. Do not duct tape any family members under 18. Do not expect any gold.

8. Make frequent visits to best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.  This can never be underestimated.  Put more noggin in your eggnog.  Bacardi is inexpensive and could save you from murdering Aunt Betty or Uncle Fred.

9. Try to impress people by saying you knew two of the three original Wise Men.  If that seems a little too pretentious, announce that you know at least three of Santa's elves.

10. Click your heels three times and say, "There is no place like somewhere else."

Remember it is just  another Christmas with the family, and down deep, in a dark recess of you heart, you really love it.  Quit whining and get with spirit.  Merry Christmas.