Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East


“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”





North Korea threatens to launch insults capable of destroying Trump's ego



Harvard Study Reveals that All Homophobic Men are Gay


Unprecedented: Coalition of world leaders sign petition supporting Trump's impeachment


Leaders from Germany, France, Mexico, Canada, Italy, China, Norway, Denmark, the President of the Ukraine, and twelve other countries have released a signed petition publicly supporting Donald Trump’s impeachment. The document – which was drawn up by Canada in order to remain as civil as possible – doesn’t cite specific transgressions by Trump, but simply reads: “The world is embarrassed for the United States. For the love of God, the world, and your country – impeach this miserable cunt.” In response, a furious President Trump tweeted out: As of press time, Democrats had already added the tweet to their list of condemning evidence for impeachment. Meanwhile, Republican leaders focused solely on the letter’s “inappropriate” use of the “c-word,” because they too are miserable cunts.

All of the porn on the internet is being preserved in this Arctic cave


PornHub CEO Mike Zoffler and countless other companies from the industry have revealed that literally all of the legal pornography on the internet is being stored 375 feet under the Arctic ice in a remote location. Notably, there’s a global treaty to keep the area neutral during times of war; making it an ideal spot for post-apocolyptic release. Meanwhile doomsday preppers call the porn bunker an ideal spot for a massive orgy to repopulate the planet. “Honestly, this is all we’ve been getting ready for,” doomsday guru Aaron Ward stated. “He who survives the end of the world will possess the greatest treasure of all: free access to unlimited porn.” Notably the spank bank looks like something out of a movie, its entrance a phallic obelisk jutting high out of two blinding white orbs. It sparkles with glowing lights and is filled with decades worth of tissues, vibrators, every sex toy known to man, and copious amounts of lube.

New Apple Card costs $2000, has an optional add-on chip to lower APR by 1%


Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off.

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