My February March April May post

Once a week has proven a bit too much to attempt, so maybe I'll lower my expectations to once every other month or so :/  It does make it harder to focus on the everyday this way, though.  Broad strokes covering the major highlights of our life are good, but not what I love to write about.  So, brief overview first, then maybe some of the things our days are made of if I can get to that.

I'm 25 weeks along with another little boy! I laughed and shook my head when I saw on the ultrasound screen clear evidence that HE would be our seventh son. I have no sadness over this, as much as I love my girl and would love to have another. I also love my boys and am thrilled to welcome this sweet son into our family in August.  It is amusing, though.  All. these. boys.

This baby and Caleb will be 18 months apart. I'll be honest and say he's coming sooner than I had planned on.  The beginning of this pregnancy had me feeling overwhelmed.  I always feel sooo wiped out at first.  Not sick, but such low energy.  Because I thought I for sure wasn't pregnant for the first few weeks I kept wondering what in the world my deal was.  Caleb was a rotten sleeper and I was up often with him, but I had been handling that okay for months.  Suddenly, I had NO motivation and it felt like I was just dragging through each day. It felt like my blood turned to thick molasses, making every movement slow and hard. When I sat or laid down that molasses would ooze into whatever I was slumped upon making it a huge task to get up and going again.  Then, upon hearing my symptoms, Nicole insisted that I take a test right away.  It was positive and I felt some relief that at least I could explain my absolute sluggishness.  Even knowing why I felt that way, I still struggled.  Looking back, I can see that the newness and unexpectedness of the news combined with the exhausted and hormonal physical challenges made this pregnancy and the addition of a baby seem incredibly daunting.  I was excited, but I felt very inadequate.

On the 12 week mark almost to the day, my energy returned.  It felt miraculous and I was able to see the landscape of my life through a better lens, a more realistic one, really. I would be adding another child to our family, yes. And that thought wasn't so hard because I would actually be a functioning person if the baby wasn't inside of me.  I had allowed my first trimester self to project that I would feel the same exhaustion I feel during the first part of pregnancy, still have to meet the needs of my other seven children, and be up all night and day caring for a new baby.  Not so. Pregnancy exhaustion and new baby sleep deprivation are two very different things. I know how to be pretty sleep deprived and still live a mostly normal, happy life. I can deal with lack of sleep. AND we'll love this baby, which will make it all easier.

Goodnight, so much for broad strokes.  Well, to sum up everything else...The older kids are finishing up the school year, Jack is doing choir, Taylor started piano lessons and seems to have a real knack for it, the three older boys are all in scouts, and they'll all be doing swimming lessons in a few weeks. Adam does an online preschool program every day and is just on the cusp of reading. He and Jane have some good little friends and we often do playgroups during the week.  We spent a few weeks working with Caleb to help him sleep better, and now he's a champ (no crying it out involved! yay!) so we're getting good sleep. Kevin is busy at work, and things are going well there.

Mother's Day (where's Adam??)

Mikelle and Nicole both had twins, so I'm a new aunt 4 times over.  Nicole's girls, Lucy and Macy, are miracle preemie babies that actually come home tomorrow!  I cannot wait to meet them in person.  They've been in my heart and prayers for months and months.  I was able to be there with Mikelle for the births of Maple and Jameson, and that was amazing! They are all beautiful babies!  My brother Seth just got married to Lizzy Pratt last month. Our entire family minus my 4 sweet nieces in Germany were able to come and it was just so so great to see and celebrate with everyone.  Lizzy is actually Nadine's youngest sister, and she fits into our family so well.  She and Seth went to Dallas for internships but will be back to BYU in the fall. Yay! Brian is down here working and we see him almost weekly.  It's been so great to get to know him better.  He's smart and easy going and positive and fun to be around.  My mom went down to be with Mikelle after the babies were born, then came up for the wedding, then stayed another week with me and we went to women's conference together! I was SO great to spend that time together.  She helped me get on top of my life again, and I feel renewed in every way.
Jane meeting Maple

Seth and Lizzy with their MANY nieces and nephews at the reception

As for the details, maybe I'll get a chance to get to those soon.  Kevin is taking some pretty intense classes toward his CFP right now and in the next few months, so there will be more time in my evenings to do stuff other than hanging out with him since he has to study. Sorry, though, blog.  You're not a great replacement.  You'll do, but I love him a lot.  He works hard both at work and at home and lately I can see him changing for the better in subtle ways. It's hard to put my finger on it, but it's there and I'm impressed with who he's becoming. Don't get me wrong, I've always been impressed with him, but  he's getting even better and I think that's worth noting.

It's 11 now. I'm shutting down. :)


Caleb Comes!

Disclaimer:  It has almost been a year since Caleb joined our family, and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've gotten more than 4 hours of sleep in a stretch. So, dear Cabes, if this account lacks detail because my brain is a little foggy, resist the temptation to find in this a reason to feel slighted. Instead see this muddled account as golden proof of my devotion to you and your constant well-being, day and (especially) night, for months on end.

It took me a long time to settle on a midwife for Caleb's delivery. After Jane's beautiful home birth, I was excited to have a similar experience this time around. Because we had moved further away, my midwife for Jane (and my miscarried pregnancies) felt it best that I find someone closer.  It made sense, but I was disappointed and still a little broken from the miscarriages, so I put off the task for way too long.  I found one in December, and although it didn't seem like the best fit, it really was too late to change.  

She was a very good, kind person.  I can definitely see how many people would just adore her. She would talk to Caleb in my belly and had a strong feeling that his birth would be wonderful.  She was dedicated and very knowledgeable when it came to herbs and natural things. Any ailment or symptom I had could be alleviated with some kind of herb or goat's whey or diet change.  She is good at what she does, very passionate.  But I really just wanted to take TUMS without being made to feel like I was ruining my placenta.  I wanted someone to tell me I had the blood pressure of a 7 year old, and a blood type that loves babies, and that it might help to try upping my water intake in a way that didn't feel like I was in trouble, all things Rebecca, my previous midwife, had done.

Really, I just wanted to have someone who saw my life full of children and recognized that this pregnancy was very important, but that I had so many things to focus on, and I didn't need another reason to feel like I was failing. My baby was growing and nothing was going wrong.  I just needed that to be enough. This midwife had been unable to have children, and had made natural birth and living her passion.  I had not. I just liked having Jane at home and wanted to do that again.  I wasn't driven by a hatred of hospitals, doctors, or medication, or by a love of all things holistic and natural.  I just liked the peaceful feeling that had accompanied Jane's entrance into the world. So while I appreciated her knowledge, I generally left our visits feeling worse than before.

She had two apprentices, and while I liked them both, this caused it's own sort of distress for me.  About 3.5 weeks before my due date, labor really started.  I'd had babies this early before, and Caleb was measuring big, so I was excited! I labored for about an hour as the contractions grew more intense.  Because Jane had arrived so quickly, I wanted to make sure the midwife had enough time to get to our house.  When I was SURE things were progressing, I had Kevin make the call. My midwife said she'd head over and that the assistants might arrive before she did. Within 15 minutes, my labor stopped completely. I'm not sure why, but it really felt like my discomfort with my midwife and my guilt over dragging 3 people out of their beds and away from their families caused me enough stress to just stop labor cold. And that happened twice.  It made for a long last few weeks of pregnancy.

I took several pictures there at the end, hopeful that each one would be the last.


Turns out, this was my last one, taken just a few hours before his birth, though I didn't know it at the time. My current house has awesome carpet and SO. MANY. MIRRORS. Every closet door, several in each bathroom, even an entire wall of my room (exciting, right? ;) ), so as a result, you can see the birth tub in the angle on the right in this picture.

I can't say that I didn't have any clue that Caleb was coming when I took this, though I wasn't having contractions yet.  That morning I was stressed, just a little bit.  My mom had already bought tickets to come for 5 day...I think arriving on the 11th, though I'm not certain about that.  I just know that it was coming up, and I was worried she'd miss the baby entirely.  I was due on the 14th, and as I said earlier, I'd had a lot of labor, but none for several days.  SO...I was worried and stressed and tired.  I just wanted peace and I knelt and prayed for it the morning of the ninth. I prayed that I could stop worrying, that I could let go of trying to control the situation.  I immediately opened my scriptures and read this verse in the Book of Mormon, in 3rd Nephi Chaper 1:

I hope this doesn't sound sacrilegious, because I know this verse is about the Savior, but it spoke peace to my soul.  I felt like I knew that my son was coming and that I could just enjoy these last few...hours, days...I wasn't sure how literally to take the scripture, but I did feel at ease.  I did enjoy that day.  I remember reading with Adam and Jane, doing a little laundry, talking to my mom and sisters about my hopes for a baby "on the morrow" and just relaxing about the whole situation.  
Well, in that picture up there it was bedtime, and I didn't know what to think.  I hadn't felt a single contraction and it was after 10.  The kids were all soundly sleeping, so we went to bed, but I couldn't relax and I let myself get worried again.  I went out at around 11:20 and started walking up and down our stairs. After about 5 reps and no progress, I leaned against the wall, feeling discouraged.  But the scripture, "be still, and know that I am God." came to mind.  I felt peaceful again and went back to bed.  At about 11:45, I had a strong contraction. Yay! Then...nothing. Nothing. I prayed for more peace, and it was quickly granted.  I fell asleep within a few minutes.  Then, at 12:20, I woke up to another strong contraction, and my water broke!
Kevin called the midwife and began filling the birth tub.  My contractions came hard and close from then on. Kevin was my person, helping me through the contractions and giving encouragement.  We felt like a team to me.  When Jane was born, he was focused on blowing up and filling the tub, and I just did my thing, calling him to help when I really needed it.  This time, we were more prepared, and we had a little more time, so he was with me and I loved it.  The midwife and assistants all arrived at around 1:12, but it was a few minutes before I wanted them to come in to my room.  I was just really focused and didn't want to talk to anyone.  
They came in and I felt like I wanted to get in the tub.  I did and one of the assistants listened to the baby's heart between contractions.  She wanted me to tell her when another contraction came, so she could hear how the baby was doing during contractions. One started almost immediately, and I told her, but I couldn't stay still.  It was very strong and I needed to turn onto my knees. It didn't let up, and I suddenly felt very irrational.  My thoughts were something like "I can't do this, I hate this, why do I have to do this? I'm done. I can't do this!" Then, I pushed. Caleb's head came out with one push and it took everyone a few seconds to realize it.  I was still in my own zone, but could hear them say, Oh, there's the head! I just wanted to be done, so whether they were ready or not, I pushed again, and out slid the rest of him, into Kevin's waiting arms, as it turns out. It was 1:19 am.
I heard him cry before I saw him and I can't describe my relief. He was alive, and breathing! In all those months of pregnancy, I had worried so very much. I honestly was shocked when they put a healthy, fat, red Caleb in my arms. I looked him over, basically amazed that he was completely fine, but he was. At 8 pounds 10 ounces, he was a full pound bigger than my next biggest baby.  He had fuzzy dark hair, another surprise. We got out of the tub and quickly settled into bed. 

He just seemed so robust and healthy, and I cried tears of gratitude and disbelief. My soul seemed to heal immediately.  The midwife and assistants cleaned everything up, I think they made us a smoothie. They gave Caleb a full examination and everything was great. Honestly, it was a blur.  A happy blur. In the weeks before Caleb's arrival, I'd lay in my bed and picture him nestled next to me, and here he was, just as I'd pictured. He was so familiar to me, even in those first moments. 

They eventually left. We marveled. We slept. Our kids woke up to a new brother! Friends and family rallied around to celebrate, and to make us feel comfortable and loved. My friend Amy came with dinner and a quilt and took pictures of all of us, but they aren't on this computer. Such treasures that I will share when I get them switched over. Here's one:

Kevin's sister, Julie, took Adam and Jane for hours and Nicole picked Austin up from Kindergarten and kept him so we could rest while the other boys were at school.  Mikelle surprised me by driving the 4 hours up from Kanab and arrived in the afternoon. 

The only rough thing was that I had no prescription medication to help ease the afterbirth pain, and it was excruciating for the first 2-3 days. Worse than labor, except for maybe the last 2 minutes. I was so grateful for all of the help during that time so I didn't have to do anything but stay in bed with my sweet baby. The heating pad was my best friend, but when I would nurse Caleb, sometimes the cramping was so intense I'd have to quickly put him down and curl into a ball to try to cope. That, I remember clearly. ;) 

My mom arrived on the eleventh (double checked in Kevin's journal) and was so helpful, as always. No one loves babies like she does and it's been a treasure to share each of mine with her. 

And from there, the days seem to run together. It took us about a week to settle on a name, in the end it was between Henry and Caleb.  We tried Henry first and it felt forced and didn't seem to be the right one. Then we tried Caleb and it was immediately comfortable and just felt like it was who he was. Like I said, He's most often Cabes, Cabey, Cubs, or Cubby to us now, but I love the name Caleb as well.  We love him so much and feel so blessed to have him as our lucky number 7!


Words for Loss

Caleb's arrival marked the definitive end to a hard period of time for me, and I feel I need to address that before I can explain my feelings surrounding his birth. The reason this blog was entirely abandoned for so long was that I didn't know how to write about my miscarriages, but didn't think I could just write as if they didn't happen.  I had two between Jane and Caleb.  The first at 11 weeks and the second at 20.

My first miscarriage started as a pregnancy I wasn't exactly trying for.  Jane and that baby would have been 17 months apart, so not crazy by my standards, just sooner than I was planning.  It took a few days to process it, then I was just excited. The weeks of the first trimester seem to take forever, and I was almost done with them, but when I went in for my first appointment at 11 weeks, it was clear something was wrong. The baby was measuring so small and the little heartbeat was steady but very slow.  There was nothing to do but wait for an inevitable miscarriage.  It was an awful 5 days, knowing the baby was slowly dying and I could do nothing.  When it was over, I felt on the fence about having another baby soon.  The pregnancy had helped me get excited about the thought of another, but the loss left me sad and a little disoriented.

After about 4 months, we tried again and I was pregnant right away.  I was happy, but scared.  I held my breath at my 10 week appointment, but all was well.  It was such a relief! At 14.5 weeks we went to the mall to find out the gender of our baby. 100% boy! He was measuring just right and moving all over. We had all of the kids with us, and had made a deal that if it was a girl we'd get ice cream and if it was a boy we'd get doughnuts. Doughnuts it was! We went to Harmon's and bought a box, then went to their upstairs dining area and divvied them up. It was a fun memory. :)

 My next appointment with my midwife was at 20 weeks.  It was on Valentines Day. Kevin was sick, so I left Jane and Adam napping with him and brought Austin and Noah with me.  I was excited to see our little guy again, but...there was no heartbeat. She did an ultrasound and our little boy wasn't moving. He was gone.  He'd died at least a few weeks earlier. My midwife was very kind, explaining some options I had. It was all a blur. I told her I'd talk to Kevin and call her when I got home.

I couldn't bring myself to call anyone. I was so so sad. I packed my little boys into the car and drove the 25 minutes home sobbing. Noah, who was 6, asked what was wrong.  I told him our baby had died and that it made me really sad.  Kevin was as shocked as I was. There were decisions to be made about how to get the baby out. I could take cytotech, and basically go into labor and deliver him at home. I could go to the hospital, and possibly get a d&c.  I prayed for discernment and felt very peaceful about staying at home.  Danny and Nicole came and picked up all of our kids.  My midwife sent a prescription  for the cytotech and Kevin picked it up along with some dinner for us.  We enjoyed the time alone together before the contractions started. It was hard, but I think we both felt a lot of peace that night.  Our little son was born within a few hours. We got to hold his little body and marvel at his perfect fingers and toes.

There were no complications, and physically I healed very quickly.  Emotionally, it took longer. I felt pretty numb for a while, then anti-social. I lost some of my zest for life and it took a long time before I felt like myself again. I had always thought it would be fairly easy to recover from that kind of thing. But it all hit me harder than I would have expected.  I didn't understand the losses, the second one especially.  I wasn't bitter, but I wasn't turning to the Lord for strength either.  I was just going along and some days were harder than others, but I just sort of floated through things, breaking down from time to time.  I never doubted that the Lord was aware of me, or that this was part of His plan, but I was very halfhearted in my attempts to connect with Him. I regret this, but have since felt that He understood and didn't hold it against me.  I think I could have spared myself some pain, though, if I'd allowed Him to help more.

All was not misery between my first miscarriage and Caleb's birth. We went on some wonderful trips, and my day to day life was full of children whose happiness was contagious. There were many, many joyful moments. I do wish I'd been better at recording them.

I was pregnant with Caleb 3 months after the second miscarriage, and I worried about him all the time.  I was sure something would go wrong with the pregnancy or that he wouldn't be healthy after he was born. We moved about 20 minutes away during that pregnancy (another post waiting to happen) and I had to find a new midwife. I put it off forever, I think I was functioning under that attitude that no news was good news and worried that an appointment would bring bad news.  Caleb was soothing to me, though, even in the womb. If I EVER feared that something was wrong, he would move, as if to reassure me that he was fine.  I felt a bond with him and prayed that all would be well. So many prayers that all would be okay.

And it was!

Next post: Cubby's Birth Story


Meet Cabes

Inspired by my friend, Courtney, who was inspired by our friend, Diane, I am going to attempt to post at least once a week this year.  Whew! It's a lofty goal for me, but it's time to come back to life.

First things first: An Introduction!

Caleb James joined our family on a cold dark night in February, 2015. February 10th. He was my biggest baby by a pound, and I really should dedicate a full post to his birth, but not yet. This is just a quick catch up. So, without further ado...Caleb!


The last one was taken just yesterday.  He's almost 11 months now and is walking all over! He's brought so much happiness to our family and all of his siblings think he's just the best baby in the world. He knows how to cheer up even the crankiest brother or console the saddest sister.  They simply can't help but smile when he's around and he seems to really be aware of their feelings.

Personally, I love this sweet boy with all my heart. He soothes my soul. He's smart and busy, but also peaceful and content. And he has BROWN hair! It's not dark brown, but it's the darkest we've had.  It's funny seeing him with Jane.  She's so fair and petite and he's big and dark.  She'll take his hands and walk backwards all over the house, leading him from room to room faster than he could go on his own.  He'll go along with her schemes.

I should say, we rarely call him Caleb. It's almost always Cabes, Cabey, Cubby, or Cubs. And his only real downside is that he only like sleeping in my arms, and even then not very soundly. He likes to nurse OFTEN. And frankly, I'm too tired to not nurse him when he wakes up, so he'll eat, then settle back into his favorite spot. 

This was just this morning...and there are many more just like it.

But as tired as I am, I still find it endearing. He likes to be close, and I can't say that's a bad thing. So if I make no sense sometimes, just know I'm sleep deprived, but it's for a good cause.:) It keeps him happy. and chubby.

We're so grateful he's part of our family, and he seems pretty happy to be here.

(and, yes. It has been over 2.5 years since my last post... :/ )







umm...yes. =)


Yogi Janie


{gently ease yourself into the downward dog position}

{while maintaining that position, slowly lift your right leg}


 Enter Noah and Adam...

 {relax, smile, relax}

 {And...go back to downward dog}



back from the dead =)


Where to start...? 







And that pretty much sums it up. whew! =)