I don’t hear much talk about lesbian foreplay.

I’ve certainly heard my share of people ask, “How do lesbians have sex?” And, I know there is plenty of interest in lesbian sex advice and tips for lesbian sex, but I can’t recall one question, ever, about lesbian foreplay, or advice for better foreplay, etc.

Typically, people tend to think of foreplay as the activities leading up to “intercourse,” which, of course, is defined as the whole penis-in-the-vagina thing.  It makes sense that this definition is not functional for lesbian foreplay.

Defining Lesbian Foreplay

I wonder if this stems from the confusion about what lesbian sex is.  Do you think that lesbian sex and foreplay are often considered the same thing???  I hope not.  And, to be sure, I’m going to write about it today.  Here’s my definition of foreplay: the intentional pursuit of sexual and romantic excitement and pleasure without the immediate goal of an orgasm.  Play is the focal point; the best part of the word foreplay.  Play is simply any activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.  Foreplay is essentially, for-play, something done simply for enjoyment.

lesbian foreplay

Double Your Pleasure

When you take time to play, before you engage the pursuit of an orgasm, you can double your pleasure.  Not only are you multiplying the number of enjoyable sensations you experience through intimate touch during foreplay, but you are likely to also experience a much stronger and more satisfying orgasm when that time arrives.  And, who doesn’t want that?  Lesbian foreplay is a process of discovery, and there is no “right” way to go about this, there is only the way that works best for her.  The fun part is in the discovery.

Do you know where the most sensitive and pleasing (non-genital) area is on your lover’s body?  There is no universal answer.  What is arousing to one lover may be annoying to another. If not, I think you’ll find this article worth reading.

Embrace Vulnerability

Interestingly, foreplay often involves a higher level of vulnerability than the task-oriented business of genital stimulation.  Foreplay is like bringing together different instruments and making up music as you go.  There is no particular goal or destination, it is a process.  With foreplay, we are exploring, experimenting, testing, tempting, toying, enticing, inviting, pausing, allowing, withholding, and slowly, playfully, enjoyably, building the sexual tension to heights that can no longer be tolerated. Sometimes we try things that don’t go well.  Sometimes we create awkward situations and maybe even make a mess if you involve food or oils, etc.  It doesn’t matter.  It is all a part of the perfect imperfection of learning to love and be loved a little bit better each time you venture into this wonderful land of lesbian foreplay.

If you are enjoying the experience, you are on the right track.  It is a real turn-on to have a partner who sees your body as a source of great pleasure for her.  Get out of your mind, and into your body – feel your way through this experience and stay present to how her body is responding to your touch, and how your body feels with her touches.  If it feels good to you as you are touching her, it is likely to also feel good to her.  Foreplay is about synchronizing yourself with your partner, finding a rhythm and flow that works for both of you.

Though making love can occur in many different ways, most of which are not even sexual in nature, like expressing kindness, curiosity, understanding, compassion, and everyday care for our partner.  Foreplay is touching, talking, and interacting that precedes direct genital stimulation or other activities typically involved in the pursuit of an orgasm.  Making love actually starts long before you enter the bedroom (or other love-making destination).


A clever spin on the word foreplay is chore-play, which highlights the importance of pleasing your partner in non-sexual ways (like doing chores) to create the mood.  One of the challenges for lesbians is in the initiation of intimacy, and the sooner you get started – say when you wake up, the better!

  • Flattering.  Lesbian foreplay can start with words.  The more flattering, the better.  You look sexy in those jeans.  I love the way that shirt hugs your breasts.  I love how your face looks without makeup – you’re so naturally beautiful.  Say the kind things that naturally cross your mind.  Flatter her.
  • Flirtation. Wink.  Smile.  Ask her to dance while you’re cooking with her in the kitchen.  Makeup songs about her and sing them to her.  Tickle, play, wrestle, or rough house with her (unless that makes her mad… it can have an undesired effect on some women).
  • Have fun.  Make her laugh.  Be silly, spontaneous, joyful, and playful.  Roleplay, pretend you are strangers just meeting.
  • Nurture her.  Comb her hair.  Give her a massage.  Bathe each other.

Consider the 5 Senses

When you think about stimulating your partner, consider the senses that she enjoys most.  Is she moved by music, excited by new tastes, moaning for more touch when you give her affection, delighting in your scent or the smell of a new candle, or is she drawn to the aesthetics of things, noticing color, shape, and design?  Notice what lights up her senses and explore new ways to introduce her to a new sensation.

  1. Sight:  blindfolding will enhance all other senses, leave an erotic letter for your partner to find and read during her day, extended eye contact – gazing, not staring, send sensual pics of yourself to her, dress in ways that highlight the parts of your body that turn her on
  2. Sounds: read to each other, heavy breathing, moans, sighs, mood-setting music, whisper in her ear
  3. Smell: fresh shower/bath smell, candles, lotions, perfumes, natural scent, fresh breath, know what your partner likes,  Ylang Ylang, Jasmine and Sandalwood are all well known for setting the mood and stimulating our sex drive,
  4. Touch:  kitchen dancing, textiles, satins, cotton, silks, latex, (temperature – hot breath against the skin, an ice cube melting in mouth while kissing a sensitive body part),  sensual bath, wash each other.
  5. Taste:  cooking together, intimate meal, food, feeding each other, lip gloss.

Read part-2 on “The 11 Erogenous Zones from Her Head to Her Toes (literally).”

If your lesbian sex life has fallen off the grid, which sometimes happens, one of the first things to try is just doing it.  Literally, just restart.  If you are struggling with feeling like she’s more like a sister than a lover, or you feel like your resentments grown too high, or perhaps you’ve experienced trust issues that leave you feeling too hurt to be that vulnerable, you may want to consider attending my Lesbian Couples Workshop for a jump-start on your relationship.