I'm sure you're all familiar with BYOB (Bring Your Own Bottle). But what about BYOT(Bring Your Own Table)?

According to the back of the menu at the Priyas Palace in sunny Greenock, "we welcome any comments and suggestions".

So I hope they won't mind if I comment on the tables - they're a serious pain in the ass.

And here's my suggestion - ditch the lot of them at the nearest dump. Which, unless I'm very much mistaken, must be Port Glasgow.

We were at Table 23 and I'd strongly advise you to avoid it at all costs.

Thanks to the incredibly bulky table legs that consume far too much space, I reckon a seat on Death Row would seem more relaxing.

Honestly, folks, I haven't felt this uncomfortable in a restaurant since the time I clocked a chef who looked uncannily like Jeffrey Dahmer...

But apart from this major flaw, Priyas Palace was excellent.

Located just beyond the town centre, it appears to be part of Riley's snooker club (for the sake of all the budding Ronnie O'Sullivans, let's hope the billiards hall boasts better tables) and you can hear the gentle click-click-click of the balls as you walk upstairs.

Don't ask me why, but it reminded me of the last time I wore a kilt...

The building's stark, whitewashed exterior is reminiscent of the fire exit at a bingo hall. But apart from those bloody infuriating tables, the decor inside Priyas Palace is very pleasing on the eye and I loved the ornamental Buddha behind the bar. Or was it a bronze statue ofMiss Greenock 1974?

As for the food, well, the portions are probably smaller than you'd expect at a curry house. But so are the prices.

For example, apart from the jumbo tiger prawns dish, you won't find a main course dearer than £6.95.

That's a good two quid cheaper than most Indian restaurants in Glasgow or Edinburgh.

The refreshingly concise menu (I'm struggling to think of another Indian joint that offers just nine starters and 20 main courses) changes every four months and that's great news for my pals Dianne and Kyle who visit Priyas Palace on a regular basis.

Kyle's a vegetarian (the only one in Greenock, surely?) and he started with punjabi channa - dry North Indian-style chickpeas. Nice and spicy, they kicked like a mule that supports Millwall.

The dumaloo - potatoes cooked in a rich yoghurt based gravy with lots of spices - was also pretty good, but let's move on to the sensible meat dishes devoured by the carnivores before you start turning the page...

Dianne's lamb tikki kebabs, freshly minced with ginger and herbs, hit all the right buttons and I'm assured they're terrific with a good glass of red wine.

Clearly impressed, she moved onto another lamb dish (galoti lamb tikka to be precise). Tender, barbecued fillets with a rich marinate, I ordered the same main course and we were both delighted with this delicious, melt-in-the-mouth feast.

I'd started with the massala fish - haddock fried in a chickpea batter.

Rather like an Indian version of Greenock's signature dish (the single fish) it was boneless and pretty tasty.

But the soggy, greasy batter was really disappointing and I'd advise the chef to turn the deep-fat fryer up a notch or two.

The garlic chicken pakora suffered from the same problem - it also lacked any real taste of garlic - but Liz loved her main course.

In my experience, Indian restaurants have a nasty habit of talking up the South Indian garlic chilli chicken. The menus always promise it's going to be fiery hot and will leave your tastebuds begging for mercy. In reality, though, this dish is often a complete non-event.

But not at the Priyas Palace. Liz enjoyed every flavoursome forkful and her runny nose tells you all you need to know about the spices.

She cooled down with a slab of banoffi pie served with a scoop of ice-cream.

I liked the gulab jamun (soft, syrupy sponges), Dianne appeared to savour the mango sorbet and coconut ice-cream and, well, I don't really care what Kyle ordered. Probably the sticky Tofu pudding or something like that...

Incidentally, you'll probably appreciate something from the freezer when you've finished your curry as the restaurant is extremely warm.

And I'll tell you what, it would have been even warmer if I'd set fire to that really annoying table...


Address: 2 Robertson Street, Greenock

Telephone: 01475 787786.

Open: Seven days from 5pm until 11pm

Wheelchair access: No

Bill for four (incl wine): £100.

Food: 4/5 - different

Service: 4/5 - friendly and attentive

Decor: 3/5 - shame about the tables

Toilets: 4/5 - clean

Value: 4/5 - cheap main courses

Total: 19/25

22/25 Balbir's, 7 Church Street, Glasgow. Tel: 0141 339 7711.

21/25 Storm, 82 West Clyde Street, Helensburgh. Tel: 01436 678318.

21/25 Peter's Seafood And Grill, 17 Gateside Street, Hamilton. Tel: 01698 429437.

20/25 The Mussel and Steak Bar, 110 West Bow, Edinburgh. Tel: 0131 225 5028.

20/25 Malin Court Hotel, Turnberry, Ayrshire. Tel: 01655 331457.

19/25 The Cotton House, 209 Glasgow Road, Longcroft, Stirlingshire. Tel: 01324 840840.

'The portions are smaller than you'd expect at a curry house. But so are the prices'