01x02 - Insouciance

(sultry electronica playing)


You're losing your hair.

What? Why would you say that to me?

I'm practicing.

Practicing what? Dying alone?

Being honest.

Well, go and do it somewhere else.

You're always so honest... I admire that.

I'm a giant liar. Always have been.


I told the Spice Girls I was dying of brain cancer in order to get free concert tickets.

Dishonesty to spare someone's feelings belittles everyone involved.

Dishonesty to get free stuff is just smart economics.


Oh. No. No, no.

Why not?

I'm gonna get latex poisoning.

Well, you can't leave me like this.

I'll be really quick... you won't even notice.

Nice try.

I learned blue balls were a myth when I was 12.

The boy that told you that is a traitor to our gender!

(water running)




Look at you. You're like an animal.

Like some albino gorilla.

It's your fault, baby.

Walking around with that ass.

You know, erections can be wasted.

You will get another one.

But I like this one.

And I thought all Englishmen were sexually repressed.

No, you're thinking of the Welsh.

So you're just gonna watch me then?

I literally can't look away.

You're not gonna ruin this for me.


Doesn't bother me one bit.


This is gonna happen.

Glad to hear it.

Damn it!

Ha! I win.

Well, anyway, I just started my period two days early.


It's your fault, buddy.

You're the one who smacked the side of the ketchup bottle over and over.

Okay, well, so I'll see you in five days or so.



What, do yours last longer or...

Forget it. Don't worry.

I'll leave the village till my moon is over.

Well, I could always play through, as they say.

Stop. See you in five days.


♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪


Ferris Bueller. Awesome. What channel is it on?

It's not. I rented it.

You rented it?

Are you a timecop sent from the past to kill me?

You rented a DVD?

I literally don't know where one can do that anymore.

Well, I noticed it was playing at the revival house this week, and I realized I hadn't seen it in a while but I didn't want to risk going in because of what happened during Captain Phillips.

This movie has one of the greatest villains of all time.

Yeah. Principal Rooney is so mean.

Rooney? Rooney's not the villain.

Oh, you mean the sister.

That girl from the movie, um... Wind.

Dirty Dancing.

Right, first of all, Wind is what you retained from Jennifer Grey's career?

And, no, she's not the villain either.

Then who is?


Cam... No, Cameron's his best friend. Cameron's the sidekick.


Ferris is the hero. Jennifer Grey is the foil.

Principal Rooney is the fool. Sloane is the sidekick.

Cameron's the villain.

Wait, how's Cameron the villain?

Ferris just wants to show Cameron a fun day, right, for once in his pathetic little life, but Cameron acts like a whiny knob the whole time, subverting every attempt at fun with his passive-aggressive anxiety and relentless nay-saying, essentially ruining what might be Ferris' last day of freedom, by being a-a miserable, agoraphobic, cockblocking enemy of fun.

Cameron's sick. He doesn't even want to go out.

But Ferris guilts him into it and-and makes him steal his father's luxury automobile.

Are we even watching the same movie?

I think so.

So, Gretchen left. You seeing her again tonight?




Oh, well. She lasted longer than most of 'em.

No, she's not done. She's... she's on her period.

Oh, good call sending her away.

I read an article about how the drought is pushing bears farther into town.

It's nice that Gretchen's so cool about how you are.

I'm sorry? How I am?


Most girls, they want more from a guy, but it's nice that this is all Gretchen wants.

I don't... I don't know what Gretchen wants.

Have you asked her?

I'm trying to watch a movie and have a... What-what do you mean what she wants?

This is my brand-new "relationship" that I'm experiencing through me, okay?

So it's not for me to worry about her.

Or, you know... you could.

You are such a Cameron!

Mm, no.

I'll try chocolate coconut truffle next.

Spiced chai. Three times in one afternoon?

Ew, do you think he boned my sister that much?

Can you imagine how pinchy her face must get?

(high-pitched moaning)


That's my sister. I'm gonna vomit.

Raspberry pomegranate tart.

Salted caramel pecan.

Three times! Why don't we ever bone three times in one day?

Where's he taken you?

Black forest cake.

Peanut butter rum.

We don't go anywhere.

I told you, we're just having fun.

Be careful, Gretch.

Jimmy is a soul vampire.

And, face it, you don't always make the best choices.

You're one to talk.

Ha. Mean.

Kidding, Paul.

So, what flavors have we settled on?

Nothing for me. I'm too full.

Me, too.

I got to go to work. See you soon. Stop worrying about me.

Never. As long as Jimmy's in this world.


You know, you're kind of mean to me when Gretchen's around.

How can you say that? Gretchen is lonely. We're so happy.

I don't want to rub it in.

I love you.

I'm so lucky.

Good work. Now, um, go away. Picture books are over there, all right?


You can't read.


Nice try, dickhole.

How dare you try and take advantage of my new dumb-ass cashier.

No offense, Philippe.

You know, it is disgraceful that my bookstore won't support new writers.

Especially a local one of some acclaim.

Really? Where?

Haven't seen you in a while.

One explanation: you got some new slizz you've bamboozled into letting you throw your pasty junk into.


She's not a slizz.

Oh, what's her problem then?

Humpback? Scientologist? Did she absorb her twin's fetus?

Nothing. It's perfect. She comes over, we have fun.

You must've come across that kind of happiness... in a book, at some point.

Wow. I knew you were a dipshit.

I was just heretofore unaware of the true depths of your dipshittery.

Look, take it from a woman...

Really? Sorry, where?

Look, I know how people date, okay?

But we both agreed we don't want anything, 'cause we're different.

Oh, okay.

Well, keep going with that. See how long she sticks around.

Hey, Philippe, from now on, you see this guy, you throw him out.

And put his books back on the loser shelves.

All right, bye.

Oh, and good luck finding another job in six months when this place is a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

I'm sorry if all that sexual tension made you uncomfortable.



All right, the official line is: "My account was hacked.

I have no idea whose v*g1n* that is."

But it was my v*g1n*.

You can clearly see my micro-tattoo of the Nickelodeon logo.

It doesn't matter, Pepper.

A normal beaver shot is just a bad PR problem, but when a 16-year-old tweets it, that's... repeat after me... child pornography.

You're so controlling.

You're like my dad and my step-mom and my manager, who's also my real mom, and my TV dad Mario Lopez...

Sorry, babe. That's the law.

What about my tits?

Don't worry.

We're going to roll out those tits in a controlled, legal environment... like a very tasteful photo shoot with Terry Richardson.




Hey, Edgar. What's up?

Nothing. Oh, sorry.

Um, I was just cleaning the house and I wanted to return these hair thingies.

Thanks, but I have, like, a ton of these.

And some of them are not mine.

Oops. Sorry.

Oh, yeah, uh, while I'm here, Jimmy wondered if you wanted to grab a bite to eat tonight.

Tonight? Really?

Okay, I'll come over after work.

He'll meet you at the restaurant. I'll text you the address.

Wait, why didn't he just ask me himself?

Oh, he's slammed at work.

What work?

Okay. I should go. I have to try to find Killian.

Oh, uh, and Gretchen... if you go hiking in the next few days, you're gonna want to attach, like, some bells around your neck or-or something.

Excuse me.

I didn't know what you liked, so I just got you one of their "mixology" things.

What's the other one?

Whiskey soda.


It's called a "reservation," right?

Not a "suggestion of eagerness to dine at a specific hour."

(laughs): Wouldn't fit on the Web site.

(Jimmy laughs)

They could at least give us chairs, so we don't have to crouch under this pipe.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, look, people are taking photos of their dinner.

Are they afraid people won't believe they went to a restaurant?

Hurry up, they're waiting for us.

It's right over here.

Excuse you!

That is quite rude!

Okay, whatever, man.

Come on.

(both chuckle)

Should we just go or...?

Oh. Well, I mean...

Follow me.

Uh, great. Um, after you, uh...

Here we are.

Sorry, what the hell is this?

This is our communal table.

"Communal table."

If we wanted to dine with total strangers, we would have taken an ad out on Craigslist.

Or invited our parents over for dinner.

You're not dining with them.

You're just dining at the same table as them.

You're really cutting with a semantic Ginsu knife there, aren't you?

Oh, man. I'm so hungry.

$32 for pellizzoni? What is pellizzoni?

It's a type of pasta.

What is it made of? Bald eagle foreskin?

Couldn't think of anything soft and expensive.

Bald eagles don't have penises, they have a cloaca.

Thank you.

Good evening.

Is this your first time at lnsouciance?


Let me explain how our menu works.

Why? Is it electronic?

(old man laughs)

You said you wanted to explain how the menu worked, which led me to the comic premise of taking your sentence at face value.

Never mind. Go on.


Now, most of our dishes are meant to be shared, so we recommend three dishes from the top half and, depending on your appetite, two to three from the bottom.

Can I start you off with bottled water or L.A.'s finest?




Tap's fine.

Just bring both.

You have to try the uni foam.

I absolutely will not.

Are people allowed to actually talk to other people?

Seriously, we can go.

No, we're doing this.


Don't worry, I promise I won't order the pellizzoni.

Oh, order whatever you like.

Though you should probably have some iron, right?

I knew it.



I knew I shouldn't have told you about...

Hey, how's it going?

Excuse us.


Shouldn't have told you about the... Detroit Red Wings.

How they're in town for a five-game series.

I don't know anything about sports.

You mean... do you mean your period? Wait, did I do something wrong?

Yes! You were so weird about it. "See you in five days"?

How is that weird? When your... the series is over and the Red Wings leave town to go and play more...


Hockey, elsewhere.

The ice will be cleared to play on.

That's not the point. That's a dick move.

That's exactly the point. Look, if my favorite pinball game...

Creature from the Black Lagoon in 3-D.

Yes. If Creature from the Black Lagoon in 3-D is out of order, I'm going to wait to come back to the arcade when it's working again.

There are other games!

Do you mean your butt?


Oh, goddamn it.

Should we...?

Hey, hey! Jimmy.

Hey! What the hell are you...?

I'm surprised you're not on your honeymoon.

We go in a month. It's the busy time for Vernon.

Old bags always want to get their hips replaced at the same time.

It's like, if one of them can walk normal, they all need to walk normal.

You're dining alone?

No, I am with someone, but she's not feeling well.


Sucks, man. Ditched at the commune tabes.

Well, enjoy your solitary dinner.


I'll be right there.

Hey, wanted to say sorry about the ruckus at the wedding.

Tensions were high.

Mostly on account of Becca's mom being such a cooze.

Oh, you were throwing your life away. You were stressed. I understand.

Word. Well, I should get back to Bec before the amuse-bouche drops.

She's been known to take down hers and my bouche if I'm not quick enough.

All right.

There you are.

I've been looking for you everywhere I could think of.

Turns out, parents don't really appreciate a grown man driving slowly past playgrounds over and over.

Don't you have a phone?

My parents are afraid I'll turn into a YouTube celebrity if I have one.

(Edgar sighs)

You okay?


He didn't mean to forget you at the bookstore.

It's just, sometimes people just have weird ways of being friends.


In lraq, we used to have this translator, Zaid.

Oh, he was so funny.

We used to teach him Eminem songs and make him do these lip-dubs, and then, we'd put them up on the lnternet.

I miss that guy.

What happened to him?

The videos got so popular that the insurgents discovered he was working with the Americans, so they buried him alive in the desert, and they ran over his head with a tank.

My point is, not all friends can be as awesome as Zaid.

We just... have to appreciate the people who love us while they're still around.

Hey, you want to go get some doner kebab?

There's this awesome place on Hillhurst.

Does it have gluten?

We can ask.

Come on.

Bye, Debra.


They didn't see me, did they?


Ooh! That was close.

I thought you were mad at me.

Not compared to what a disaster it would have been if Becca and Vernon had seen us together.

Oh, right.

Well, then I'm mad at you. You just ditched me at the commune tabes.


Are you seriously ready to explain this whatever this is to anyone?

Because I'm not. And I wouldn't have almost had to if you hadn't taken me on this ludicrous date.

Well, I thought I should. You were so mad after the period thing.

Well, yes, I didn't want you to automatically dismiss me as a goddamn viable human being to share air with the second I wasn't available for s*x, but I'm not, like, mad, mad.

I knew what I was getting with you, Jimmy.

Okay, well... good.

I'm glad you hate this place, too. It's the worst, right?

No, dude. I've actually been here before. It's awesome.

I love this fancy sh1t, just, you know, not with you.


I just meant not yet, or whatever.

I told you up front. I'm... scared of this sh1t.


And I don't believe in it, so...

I'm still hungry. You?

I could eat.

(indistinct chatter on screen)


This was a great idea.

God, I love this movie.

It's the best.

Ugh, I hate Cameron so much.

He's repulsive.

No kidding. It's, like, kill yourself.


It's Nothing. It's Nothing.

Did we get chopsticks?

Yeah, I certainly asked for them.

(paper bag rustling)

Aha, there you go.


You be quiet!

How dare you?!

Turn around and watch the movie!

Just mind your own business, you old cow.

Shh! God. Some people.



Want a beer?


Mm. This is good.

(indistinct chatter)

Excuse me.

I have a large book club of ladies, and we're going to be reading a book, and drinking wine... what... and I just want to make sure you have enough copies?

Fantastic. What is the title?

Congratulations, You're Dying? By some guy with a weird name.

Why aren't you typing?

So, you're the slizz.



What a bitch.

I knew it.

She didn't buy it?

No, so I stole this.

(laughing): Oh, sweet. I love this guy.

I'm telling you, people that naturally suspicious of humanity should not be allowed to do customer service.

No kidding. You think Killian wants a cat?


(manager whistles airily)

Kerouac? Here, kitty, kitty.