For the past two years I've been contemplating turning 50. It's not that 50 is scary or some huge significant number to me like it is for some. To the contrary I've been looking forward to reaching that significant number, because being 50 is something that for a long time I thought I'd never be. My father died of a massive heart attack at the age of 48. I was 28 at the time.

Over the next 20 years I've been married, divorced, changed careers, changed jobs numerous times, become reasonably successful in my new career, basically all the things people do. During that time it was always in my head that Dad didn't make it past the age of 48. Somewhere in there it set into my mind that I wouldn't make it past 48 myself. I know it's irrational. It's nonsensical. Its crazy talk. There no scientific way to determine how long you will live based on how long your father lived. Yet there it was, embedded in my mind, that my time was over by the age of 48. So much so that I was living my life not expecting to live longer.

Two years ago, when my age hit that number, I made a trip up north into the woods near the edge of the BWCA where we spread Dad's ashes. It had been twenty years since I was there last and it had been twenty years since I had a chance to sit with Dad, talk, have a drink, listen to his words. I went with two things, a flask of his favorite scotch and a cigar. After hiking in for about a mile I found the granite outcropping in the river where we spread his ashes. For the next hour or so I sat there smoking a cigar, taking a sip of scotch from the flask and pouring a shot from the flask into the river. After all, it's been twenty years since he had a drink. I sat here listening for his words. Trying to find peace of mind.

Two years later and two years older than my father I'm still listening for his words and trying to find my way in this world. Trying to find some peace in my mind. I don't know where life goes from here or how long life will last. I heard something a while back that inspired me to reflect a little and thus write my thoughts down today. "Be grateful for the extra innings."