

Take a deep breath here.  That’s what I did.




Take a deep breath here.  I did.


All of a sudden, it was 2017.



It’s November 2017, and we’re doing NanoPoblano again.

And I am tired.


Less than three.

Less than three.


Why do I feel so stuck in the brokenness?

Will I ever heal?


And I take a deep breath.





Less than 3.

< than 3.

< 3



71 thoughts on “<3

    1. Yeah, I try to keep the details to a minimum, even here, because I don’t want to feel like a lifetime movie. 😉 But yes, it’s been a whirlwind. On the bright side, it makes me very grateful for quiet days. 🙂


  1. So much. Such strength and pain and beauty. Thank you for sharing with us.
    I cleaned my desk out this week and found the letter I mailed you in prison but addressed with marker so it came back to me. If only you knew all the people pulling for you because of all the ways you shine light in this world. Sending hope, if that can be sent.
    (And what you have here isn’t a treatise, it’s an outline for a book… a powerful, sad, beautiful book.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, maybe Hollywood would want your story. On a serious note, you are making a difference in this 60-something’s life, just by giving me something beautiful to read and reflect on every day. Thanks. And hugs. Lots of hugs. All the hugs.


  3. You’ve seen me read poetry Ra, I take deep breaths in order to slow my mind down. I take deep breaths because sometimes so much is going on in my head that I feel like I forgot to breath. I’ve been through a lot, not in a comparative way to you but I’ve been through stuff and I’ve come to realize that regardless of what I think of myself, I’m more powerful than I could even imagine. And just when I think I have no more power, I somehow summon more. We all can take on so much more than we could ever imagine.
    Speaking truths through vulnerability have helped heal me and in turn, I’ve been told, have helped heal others. You are the epitome of this. I’ve never seen anyone do vulnerability better than you. Which is, in my opinion, why you summon, what seems to us on the outside, superhuman strength despite what you have had to deal with.
    Deep breaths. Take as many as you need.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ❤ I do like less than three's ❤ hugs so many hugs. (I just remember Bill telling us that we hugged each other like long lost high school friends… of course we did. So many internet hugs were built up and had to come out all at once!)

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I don’t mind reading a treatise if it’s this interesting. I read it whole…Reading it made me realize there were so many other things that we didn’t know happened to you. But them again, the same can be true of everyone, we don’t always talk about everything for one reason or another. As you said, “everyone’s life looks like this”, figuratively speaking.

    When you’re down, never forget to take that long, deep breath…

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I just send you love Ra. And more love. And more love. There’s nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other. Ask nothing more of yourself than that. As you realise – you’ve done the best you could, and will always do the best you can, no matter what.
    Alison xox

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh Ra
    I have no words.
    Scratch that. I have many many words, I just have nothing to add, nothing to help, nothing to support or change or lighten or…or anything.
    I can offer hugs but you have real people who hug you and that is so much more valuable than virtual hugs (although I think they’re good too). I can offer to open the windows so that your deep breaths contain more oxygen, but I’m a million miles away (more or less). I will offer you my thoughts. Take them or leave them as you see fit.

    I feel, after reading your condensed list of events, that I should probably never feel the need to complain about my life ever again – nothing in mine even starts to compare to anything in yours – but I know that I’m rubbish at shoulding, and comparison sucks, regardless of the direction.

    I had a similar ‘epiphany’ the other day, tho on a much smaller scale; I felt (and still often feel)) so totally incapable of dealing with everything, let alone winning at any of it, and it took listing everything I’ve been involved with recently to realise that I need to be more patient with myself, that I am only one person, that I am doing the best I can do in the circumstances, even if I know, or at least think I know, I could do better given more time, more sleep, more distance between all the things.

    Keep breathing, I need to read how you keep on keeping on, how you stay so positive, how you keep your head above the waves. To be honest, I think we all need you. No pressure though! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thud. You are one amazing woman and reading your post today made me realize what I already knew. You are a survivor whose life has somehow crossed mine in a small way and I love that. I am sending love and hugs and all good things under three your way today.


  9. As horrifically moving this post is, it is made up of words. Words like THUD. Just a word. A thousand THUDs could not come close to the impact of the actual events you have endured these last seven years. Even your words are beyond me. Nevertheless, keep writing, Ra. Because sometimes words are drops of healing rain on the soul of the one using them. And keep taking those deep breaths. That is where you will find the gratitude and the love. And of course from all of us, but we are only words in comment boxes.

    It occurred to me that 3 should be the code for a broken one. If I could break my heart with/for you, I would. If it would help. But as you have come to learn, only you can mend that heart. And mend it you will.

    Take a deep breath. I just did.
    ❤ you, Ra.


  10. Sure wish there was an edit button. For some reason an entire section disappeared. It read that less than three is H T M L code for the heart and that perhaps greater than three should be code for a broken one. Sorry about that. Clearly code is beyond me as well and something I typed in there did something unexpected. 😉


  11. Some life are bigger, thornier, scarier than others. Some are smaller, more anxious and like to shy away. Some are wide, some are narrow, some are old, some are new. There is so much love in the world, and so much pain, and you drew it all with the wonderful literary gift you have. I cried reading this, and I really wish you so much more love to battle out all the pain.


  12. We’re not super close, my fault because I’m so reserved, but I think that you’re an amazing person. And because I have depression, anxiety and PTSD myself, my heart hurts for all that you’ve been through.
    But…and please remember this, Ra…like you always say…you are loved. ❤


    1. Thank you, Kitt, for being a part of so many of those happy moments. Definitely up for lunch or dinner! I never seem to get out to Orange County though. Maybe we should try another Blogger Interactive type of meet up?!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. An emotional rollercoaster and a sprawling beast of a piece that packs a punch. If you make a list, it is going to feel worse because you are experiencing all that you have endured over the years all at once. You are still here to tell the tale though, that is one of the most important things to remember, you are strong and you will always have the support of your friends and family to give you a boost when needed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, David. I think this is one of those situations where my good memory is more curse than gift. I always perceive my memories as a giant list, 🙂 But on the bright side, as you say, it’s why I have a tale to tell. 🙂 Thank you for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. ❤ ❤ How can time slip by so quickly? Three and a half years since prison… I remember when Andree’ introduced you to me – albeit via WordPress. Sending you love and hugs and thuds ❤ ❤


  15. Biggest of hugs, Ra ❤️ Taking deep breaths sounds so good to me. You’ve been through so much. I know what you mean about healing and trying to find a way to rebuild your life, even though our circumstances are different.

    Healing isn’t a linear thing and I’ve stumbled a lot the past four years since life has decided to throw all kinds of emotional challenges my way! But like you, I’ve decided that small steps add up. Change one thing at a time. Hopefully, it will all come together and feel a little better each day. You’ve got this, and you’re doing so well ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  16. omg….you are lucky to have even survived all you have been through. Definitely give yourself a break. I feel like I haven’t been there enough for you sweet Ra. I wish you weren’t so far away. I really wanted to come down when I was off, and it would have been so nice, but I was suffering stress, and then some kind of head cold, and my neck went out and I couldn’t turn my head, and I ended up being ill and in awful pain the entire time I was off and accomplished nothing that I had hoped to accomplish. This year has been tough for me, but nothing like what you’ve been through. Breathe….. should take my own advice too. lol Hang in there….love and sweetness to you. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person



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