The Unofficial, Highly Questionable, But 100% Legit Rules of Running in NYC

Please don’t sue us.

Rules for Running in NYC
Ryan Sterner

Legal disclaimer: Following these rules will likely get you hurt, killed, or incarcerated, so you should probably ignore them and instead stop at every red light, slow down for pedestrians and cyclists, and just generally hold your tongue. In fact, you may want to run in an entirely different city.

1. When you blaze past lone pedestrians, always say “Excuse me!” or “Sorry!”—even if you don’t really mean it.

1a. If there are more than three pedestrians, you don’t have to say a damn thing.

2. If a car is stopped in the middle of a crosswalk, run as close as you can to its front bumper and stare the driver directly in the eyes as you pass. They will feel such shame that they will never impede a crosswalk again.

2a. Staring at the driver of an oncoming car will stop them dead in their tracks.

2b. But you should also run across the street as quickly as humanly possible.

3. When you’re running up a hill in Central Park or Prospect Park and you reach the top before the cyclist next to you, you're allowed to brag about it later, even if the cyclist was just a kid or an old person on a crappy bike.

3a. It is perfectly acceptable to pump your arms and do a victory dance à la Rocky Balboa when you run to the top of Cat Hill in Central Park.

3b. Avoid the lower loop of Central Park on any gorgeous spring or summer day if you want to avoid running into horse shit, pedicabs, and European tourists swerving around on rent-by-the-hour bicycles.

RELATED: 8 Iconic Places to Run in NYC That Aren’t Central Park

4. You can never trust cars to obey red lights, so be careful.

4a. But if you do stop to let cars run red lights, then they won’t.

4b. Sometimes it’s okay to stop at a red light yourself and rest. It's not your fault.

4c. Do not jog in place at red lights. You do not look cool and it does not do anything for your run.

4d. Yes, we’ve heard Haile Gebrselassie does it. That doesn’t mean you should.

5. Know where the public bathrooms (and Starbuckses) are.

5a. Have a backup plan.

5b. Get good at blocking out certain memories.

6. When you’re coming up on someone from behind, shout “On your left!” or “On your right!” even though you know that this will make them instinctively move to their left or their right—i.e., directly into your path—and that if you try to game the system by shouting the opposite of where you're approaching, then they'll do the correct thing and still move into your way.

7. If someone makes any sort of comment toward you, it’s best to just ignore them and keep running.

8. Pretend you are a polite horse. You are loud, take up a decent amount of space, are depositing gross substances from your body on the sidewalk, and are liable to frighten people. So let folks know you are coming up behind them, or better yet, when possible, choose streets that are less pedestrian-trafficked. Your run isn’t inherently more important than somebody’s walking errand. And if a car illegally turns in front of you, whinny loudly and slap its hood as if you had hooves, then trot off before the driver can yell at you.

9. If you’re sweaty and smelly after a summer run and must take the subway home, avoid crowded trains for the benefit of all the normal people around you.

9a. Alternatively, to turn a crowded train into an empty one, simply sit down after a run and manspread. Logged 20-plus? Lie down.

9b. When a non-runner subway rider spots your post-race medal and asks if you won, it’s fine to reply nonchalantly, “Yeah, no big deal.”

10. Use summer garbage-pickup days to test your running-while-holding-your-breath skills. On any other day, the block of Broome Street between Eldridge and Allen is good for this, too.

Ryan Sterner

11. Run over bridges as often as possible—the views are lovely, there are no traffic lights, and they are great for subtle hill work. But never, under any circumstance, run over the iconic Brooklyn Bridge. You will get clotheslined by a selfie-stick yielded by a grinning tourist.

11a. Unless it’s during summer streets at 6:30 a.m.

12. The Williamsburg Bridge is, objectively, the best running bridge in the city. For an easier but longer incline, go Manhattan to Brooklyn. The other way around is a short, steep, hard on-ramp hill, followed by the ideal downslope for pouring on speed.

RELATED: Urban Running Crews Are Changing the Culture of Running

13. It’s fine to run in bike lanes as long as:

  1. You don’t spend too much time in them
  2. You run fast
  3. You are immune to cyclists’ curses
  4. You keep your headphones on low so you can hear the whiz of a bike coming up behind you—and either ignore it or get out of the way
  5. If with a group, you don’t run two or more wide

    13a. You are required to growl, or at least grumble, when a cyclist rides on the pedestrian side of the Manhattan Bridge.

    14. After dark or before sunrise, when you encounter another runner in the park, you must give them a look that says, simultaneously, “I’m glad to see another runner out here!” and “What kind of insane and possibly dangerous person would be out here running at this hour?” Expect a similar look in return.

    14a. Same goes for after it snows. And during a blizzard.

    14b. And in a weird way, kind of all the time, because what kind of lunatic consciously chooses to run here in the first place, anyway?

    15. Do everything in your power to avoid running through Times Square.

    15a. This also goes for walking, biking, skateboarding, rollerblading, working, and simply existing in the vicinity of Times Square.

    16. Anytime anyone pisses you off—which is going to be some of the time, if not all of the time—you’re expected to turn that adrenaline surge into a block-long sprint. That’s a fartlek, NYC-style.

    Ryan Sterner

    17. Yes, of course, navigating broken sidewalks, dodging dog poop and vomit, crossing bridges, and weaving in and out of crowds is totally akin to trail running. Next stop: Western States!

    18. If you’re taking the subway to a race and you spot another runner with a bib, it’s okay to strike up a conversation.

    18a. If you’re taking the subway to a race and some other runner spots your bib and tries to strike up a conversation, it’s okay to totally ignore them.

    19. Know that NYC Parks turns public water fountains back on the first decent weather day in March. You are allowed, once July heat hits, to semi-bathe in them.

    19a. In August, you can fully bathe.

    RELATED: Cotton Socks, Solo Training, and Suffering: An NYC Marathoner Compares the 1987 Race With Today

    20. Continue to use long-defunct businesses as reference points when arranging weekend long runs, à la “Meet you at CBGB’s, and we’ll head out to Ebbets Field and back, okay?”

    21. It’s true: Spitting on NYC sidewalks really does make them cleaner!

    21a. Spitting on NYC dogs, however, does not.

    21b. With people, it’s 50–50.

    22. Don’t worry—just run shirtless. We’ve all seen a lot worse (and, frankly, a lot better).

    Ryan Sterner

    23. If you’re going to run with a group of any size, keep your formation fluid. It’s bad enough when three rotund businessmen walk elbow to elbow, blocking off an entire sidewalk. It’s arguably worse when three emaciated runners do the same, but at faster, sweatier speeds. That may mean dipping onto the road briefly, or slowing down to quickly form a single-file line in the interest of not plowing over another person. Failing to make way for other people doesn’t make you a serious athlete, it makes you an asshole.

    24. Everyone in the city is depressed all winter long, especially its runners. Assume an air of quiet solemnity while running through city parks during this time. But once spring rolls around, resume being irritating and boisterous and generally confusing to passersby.

    25. Don’t run through the cemeteries in the outer boroughs, but by all means, run their perimeters. No stop lights, and if you can tune out the ominous spectre of death, most of them have nice landscaping to look at through the wrought-iron fence.

    26. There are, like, six decent public tracks serving 8 million people. They get crowded. If you’re getting passed on the outside of your lane, you’re running too slow to be in that lane.

    27. Yes. Real New Yorkers do run in all black.

    27a. Okay, sometimes it’s really, really dark gray.

    28. It is just as uncool to approach a celebrity who is running as it is to approach said celebrity anywhere else in city limits.

    29. You can cry on your run if you need to. Or sob. Or guttural scream. NO ONE will stop you—or, quite possibly, acknowledge you. That is both the beauty and curse of this city.

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