Updated Privacy Policy for Being My Friend

These policy changes reflect my ongoing efforts to maintain reliable friendships. If you have received this e-mail, it means that you are someone I love and cherish but whose presence could be terminated from my life at any point. If you wish to avoid elimination from my friend group, please respect my updated privacy policies, listed below.

1. If you take a photo of me, I must approve said photo before you share it with anyone. You are not allowed to post it online unless I give you explicit permission to do so, because my worst fear is becoming an ugly meme. (My greatest dream is to be a hot meme.)

2. If I happen to divulge the identity of my current crush, you must not, under any circumstances, tell anyone about him. You’ll know this because upon revealing his name, I will vehemently whisper, “You must not, under any circumstance, tell anyone about him.” I’m very straightforward like this. And chill.

3. If we are friends who text, you must never screenshot my texts to share with other people. Texting is the only time I bare my vulnerable soul to another person, and I trust that you will not take advantage of this. (Note: If you are an ex-boyfriend, I will absolutely screenshot whatever you text me and share it with all of my friends, family, and social-media followers.)

3a. If we are friends who do not text, we are not actually friends and you can stop reading now.

4. If I tell you, in confidence, about a good deed that I performed, you are allowed to leak this information. Not only are you allowed but you are legally obligated to share it publicly on my behalf. I will preface news of the good deed with: “Wow, I really don’t want to brag about this, but . . .” You bragging for me is a win-win-win situation, because the world will know how great I am and I will come across as modest. (The third win is yours, because you get to be my friend!)

5. If we have been friends for long enough that you’ve learned my two personal flaws, please keep them to yourself. If I ever ask you about my first flaw, you are legally obligated to respond, “What, you? Insecure? No!” This is more for your sake than for mine, because I turn into a horrible monster when I’m insulted. (That is my second flaw.)

6. Finally, do not mention to anyone that I have a privacy policy, because it could come across as not particularly chill, and I want everyone to know how chill I am. I have thus far successfully appeared relaxed to the public, thanks to my strictly regimented brand maintenance and repeated use of the word “vibes.”

If you continue to interact with me online or in real life as of June 25, 2018, then you implicitly agree to these terms. Thanks, and good vibes!


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