Drowning in the Dark

One woman's journey out of the darkness and into the light.

Leah was drowning in the black sea of darkness. She could barely breathe and as much as she treaded water and searched for the surface, it never came. Leah was not a believer, not married to the father of her daughter, and actively involved in paganistic practices. Yet somehow, she thought she was fulfilled.

Not long ago, Leah was an alcoholic. She ended up at Loma Linda Behavioral Health after being admitted because she felt like she was losing her mind. Leah wondered about God, so she asked some of the nurses about Him. She knew she needed to get away from the alcoholic lifestyle, so to learn more, she enrolled at California Baptist University.

Grasping for Purpose

Leah was definitely not a Christian at that time, and she actually became more anti-Christian the longer she was enrolled at CBU, and she started to drink again. Leah turned against Christianity and Jesus, and as a result, things continued to get worse. Leah used paper to roll joints to get a fix. She continued going to classes, but looked down other spiritual avenues, such as Buddhism and Wicca. Leah ended up getting involved with a guy named Jason and soon got pregnant. She wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment and ended up choosing to have an abortion. That decision destroyed her. She drank more, and started to have suicidal thoughts. 

"I remember times I would purposely walk out in the middle of the road, hoping someone would hit me, and just end everything on my behalf." 

One night while she was drunk, Leah called her brother, who is a Christian, and started asking him about God. In her drunken state, Leah's mind became curious about the truth and finding answers.

When Jason and Leah got pregnant a second time, she was searching for stability and knew she really needed to stop drinking, but six weeks into her pregnancy, she miscarried. Leah felt like God was punishing her for having an abortion. She thought she was losing her mind and felt like the only way to gain control was to turn back to drinking. Leah's shoulders felt heavy again, and she began to drift towards the bottom of the ocean.

Sinking in Fear

It was then that Leah got pregnant for a third time. She thought that everything would be okay at this point. She made a decision to stop drinking and have the baby. Without alcohol, Leah would sometimes feel like she was leaving her body and watching the world around her through different eyes. Sometimes she didn’t know where she was, and her surroundings were confusing. Jason and Leah would fight constantly, and she was lost in a lonely world. Knowing she could not touch alcohol, Leah checked herself into rehab and lasted one day; it was one of the scariest experiences she ever had.

Leah lived in a constant state of fear and became panicked in social situations if she felt like she was somewhere she could not escape. Light became an uncomfortable presence, so she covered up all of her windows and only lit one candle at a time. Leah laid in bed for the entirety of her third trimester of her pregnancy, clutching her legs close to her chest in a constant state of panic.

Something to Cling To

For some reason, Leah turned to the Bible. She started consistently reading the book of Job. Leah wanted to kill herself, but she wanted the baby out first so she then could do whatever she wanted with her own body. At that point, Leah found no relief anywhere and was drowning, except when reading the Bible.

Leah couldn’t get enough of Jesus. She wanted to learn everything she could to read about Him; she watched documentaries about Him, and continued reading her Bible. 

Even though she had chosen Jesus, being in the light was still a struggle. 

Leah's dad would drive her to see her midwife, and Leah would lay in the back of the car and close her eyes while listening to Christian music and meditating.

Leah felt like Job; everything had been stripped away around her. She began to read and pray more and eventually she gave her life to Christ. Leah got on her knees and cried out to Jesus and offered her heart to him. And that was the first time that she felt her baby kick. 

In that moment, Leah experienced peace for the first time. It became easier to swim among the waves, and the darkness was fading.

In Sight of Dry Land

After Leah's daughter, Jaylee, was born, Leah had to practice driving and going outside. She started attending Sandals Church during the Light sermon series, and she would sit and cry through each message. Leah knew she wanted God to free her from the darkness and the crashing waves. Leah was still attending school through online classes, and her professor asked her how she was doing. Leah told her that she felt empty. She and Jason were still having issues and she needed to figure out how to allow others to help her. Leah's professor encouraged her to get more involved at Sandals Church, so Leah contacted the Marriage Ministry for help.

Jason and Leah began attending Sandals Church faithfully, seeking as much help as they could in the months to come. They had to ask themselves how far they were willing to go in trusting God. And the people in their lives told them that if they remained faithful, He would bless them.

As Leah and Jason's relationship improved, they got involved with the Real Healing ministry and pursued God wholeheartedly. Leah's soul finally feels at rest and she has finally allowed God into her heart to bestow his peace on her. Leah is now free from the darkness, safe on dry land with Christ, and can find comfort in His Light.

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