Tuesday, July 02, 2019

Spider Babies

So I was minding my own business, enjoying a regular Tuesday, when a sudden cry from my middle child came from somewhere upstairs. It was an urgent! "Mom... mom... MOM.. come HERE!" Each 'mom' getting progressively louder than the last, and so we all know that means - it's potentially super serious. So of course I go running up into her newly remodeled, grown-up teen bedroom. Under her loft bed we have hung up some pretty, sheer, pale blue drapes. And nestled in those drapes... up in a fold in the fabric, is a small lump of something black. Upon closer inspection as I take a few cautious steps forward.. I realized it was something much more terrifying... I felt my heart skip a beat.... it was this:

Oh hi!  I'm your worst nightmare!
What's this pray tell? Well it looks like a mama spider and her egg sac.. and what's worse than finding a mama spider and her egg sac?? Well how about finding a mama spider, her egg sac, AND that the egg sac has just burst open, and hundreds of tiny baby spiders are coming into the world, like right now!

I'll just give you a moment to shudder.

So, I've got like, two hot seconds to figure out what to do next because I'VE GOT EXPLODING SPIDER babies ready to infiltrate my house. I'm the only grown up in the house (#adultingsucks). I'm trying to remember... where in the heck did I get these curtains from? Amazon? Walmart? Did they come from Mexico? On slow boat from China?... Great! Now I'm thinking this was a stowaway renegade deadly Mexican spider, that had hidden away in the curtain lining until it was safe to have her babies and today was that day. ARG!

My two older girls head for the hills (immediately run as fast as they can down stairs to safety - thanks for the support ladies). I'm pretty sure they left a cartoon-type cloud of dust they moved so fast. 

My youngest is at least brave enough to hang out in the doorway, and even grabbed the vacuum and plugged it in for me (my new favorite child, and hey remind me to update my will).  My heart is beating out of my chest because they are HATCHING right now and moving away from the nest. I can't have a bunch of baby spiders living in my daughters room, because she will never EVER go in there again.

How am I going to do this from the WRONG side of the curtain? I'd have to climb behind and be in there WITH the spiders to be on their side. No way Jose.  I can take the long wand of the vacuum and slide it behind the curtain, and then I'm going to make tension on MY side of the curtain, and hopefully a miracle will happen. There's no way I can fail at this. If even ONE of them gets away, there's just no point of living in the house, right?!

Keeping this small for your safety

So I summon all of my courage and move the vacuum nozzle up towards the many, MANY spiders... and I am terrified to move in any closer.  What if the mama spider runs down the nozzle onto my hand? What if they all fall to the floor? As the barrel of the vacuum gets close to the area, it suddenly sucked the whole curtain area into the hose with a tremendous WOOSH!  

Holy CRAP what have I done!?

I just watch helplessly as the curtain is sucked further and further into the barrel of the vacuum wand. Can't I just leave it like this for the next 5 years?

Ever so slowly... I pull out the curtain with my hand that's on this side of the curtain (keeping the tension) and.. everything is still there. 


The spider was pretty ticked off too. Hopping mad actually. Running around in that tiny slot of the curtain. Then, I almost fainted. I was literally shaking. In hindsight it's probably not good to faint in front of an angry spider and her hundreds of babies...

Note to self, don't pass out in front of angry deadly multiple spiders.
How I summoned more courage at this point, I'll never know. I put the nozzle back up the back of the curtain, very close to the spider fortress, and I put more tension on my side of the curtain and the fold is the fabric is more open this time, and I'm going slowly because I want to make sure this is the LAST TIME I HAVE TO DO THIS... and POOF... it sucks in the whole area down into the barrel of the vacuum wand... and when I pull it back out I also kept applying tension and...

The whole damn thing was gone!

Mama spider, baby spiders, egg sac.  The whole nine yards!!!

I'm pretty sure Jesus himself made the spiders vanish because I absolutely don't know how all of them could be gone.

Thank you Jesus!!!
I'm doubting my success. I've still got the vacuum on and running. I planning on running it for a good 5 more minutes too, maybe until tomorrow. I'm scared they are stuck halfway down the hose... all the while, checking for spiders and baby spiders all up and down the curtains. Nothing.  Not on the floor, not above the curtain rod... like got them all in one fell swoop?!

I lock the vacuum rod back in place, hopefully sealing them to their doom. (And when I say HOPEFULLY I mean if there is any justice in the world they will stay in their little dust cavern for all of eternity)- or until my husband can dispose of the contents in a safe and responsible manner, probably out in the middle of the street, and shortly after that I can set the vacuum on fire.

You know, just to be really REALLY sure they are gone.

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