Frankly, I find it uncomfortable having to discuss or talk about this, but the depth of its truth and importance has made it crucial that it be discussed, it is important that many who find themselves in the grasp of this mentality be freed or re-directed, because we’ve all been fooled and deceived, we’ve lived so long in our deception that coming out of it will make us feel like we are starting life over again in a foreign country where we do not speak their language, but I guess that is what life is all about, learning, unlearning and and relearning, so no matter how long it takes us, we must all get emancipated from any primal reasoning we still cling to.

Prior to the modern uproar and prevalence of feminism; if a virgin or a morally just girl had possibly been asked, why she still had her virginity intact, her reply undoubtedly or arguably would be because “men like girls who are virgins, they do not like wayward girls who would have given themselves over to different men” (we are not going to talk about why the mentality of men’s wants and likes is held at such preponderance in the first place, or why a man’s preference should have in any time or age been made to count over a lady’s reality),  fast-forward to our era of feminism: this day and age, the above statement of men preferring virgins to non virgins is no longer true, in fact, the more recalcitrant a lady is, the more she is wanted for marriage (some people would find this untrue, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s now the predominant occurrence), on the other hand, ask a man if he would like to marry a virgin girl and his forthright answer would be NO, followed by, “I’m not saying I’ll get married to a prostitute, but atleast a girl with a little bit of experience would do”, what does that even mean, I always wonder. The more open women get about their previously quite and almost violent past, the more open men get about their true desires and needs.  In other words, gone are the days mothers would match make a virgin girl for their sons to marry, these days, they want to make their own choices and for most of them, a virgin girl is not an option. 

Almost every second, in African homes, girls are taught to dress well and not too skimpy, curse less or to not curse at all, avoid looking into a man’s eyes, come back home by 6pm and nothing less, for my mum, after 6 in the evening, stay back wherever you are, they are taught to curtsy when they greet, especially the opposite gender, to be patient, to learn endurance no matter the circumstance they find themselves, to ensure they are tolerable and to tolerate exceedingly. While most of these are virtues worth imbibing, the contradicting question here is, these virtues are taught to what end, why do girls have to learn to be all those things and the guys are not taught the same, the simple answer is Marriage. It is an honorable exploit to live a virtuous life, one worthy of being emulated, but with recent happening we’ve been made to understand that our singular aim for being virtuous as ladies shouldn’t be because it would fetch us good husbands or any husband for that matter.  Most importantly, we shouldn’t have to live with the thought that marriage is the final goal or the exclusive aspiration for us as women {but this is topic for another time and day}.

The truth is, you may be as chaste as Mother Mary herself or as irreprehensible as an adorable child, and still be single, no matter how pious you try to get, it might still not fetch you the husband you need or a husband, it doesn’t mean you’ve lived wrong or wasted your life, it only means your purpose has been driven wrongly. You’ve been made to believe a thing that isn’t true or eternally applicable. You’ve believed, being good or being a good woman will get you a husband, in some cases, faster than other ladies, but do you truly believe that to be true?  Where was it written or stated that a man would get married to a lady because she’s a good girl? It was never written, our parents, like their parents and parents (God rest their souls) before them summed that up themselves, and with justifiable reasons to fit their time.

The atrocities, shame and disgrace ladies have been forced to cover up and face all in the name of being virtuous are too odious to count, many get pregnant by mistake, others by trial, and are forced to abort without the knowledge of anybody, some do not live or survive to tell the story, some other either lose their wombs along the way, and the few who live to tell their stories are either scarred for life or numbed for life, all in a bid to ensure they are seen as good girls.

You have to understand that marriage doesn’t make you; it doesn’t change anything worthwhile in you, it has no ability to make you improve as a human being if you do not want to, being a good person has nothing to do with who you get married to; that is if you will get married. So stop! Stop living for marriage, stop being alive to be tied to another, you wouldn’t be freed afterwards, our parents might not have known better, but now we do.


In Philippians 4:8, the Bible says “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things”. Brethren in the Bible is almost always used to regard both the male and female genders, and never did the Bible say to be virtuous so we can get married, neither did it tell the brothers to get married to virtuous ladies. Marriage is a choice, it’s a trusted union between a man and a woman, so it is in the interest of each partner to pick another partner suitable for them, the picking or selection isn’t based on any standard or characteristics, but wholly on the desire of those involved, so tell me how you wish to live your life being something another person might not want, because you believe they would want what you have to give. Do not capitalize the end result of your goodness or virtue on something as minute, worldly (because there is nothing like marriage in heaven or hell, it ends with death or earth) and ephemeral as marriage/ a partner. Look at the larger scale of things, look towards goodness on its own, towards humanity, towards dignity and integrity of oneself, towards your own becoming.

Now, to the most important aspect of this discussion: It is good to live a virtuous and moral life; it is good to be nice and just and loving and sweet, and a virgin if you want; it is good to look meekly at the world and see it from a humble point of view, to be pure in heart, gentle with words and kind to all, just don’t think it gives any entitlement to getting married, or even if you do get married, do not think you did because you were all that. Do not believe you have the prescription another person needs when it comes to marriage, do not make them suffer for being where you were, you should bear in mind, that the marriage thing isn’t as fascinating to another as it is to you, so in as much as you are allowed to share your opinion, you are not allowed to force it down another’s throat.


In a world where the bad has become the good, and we are no longer allowed to criticize what is wrong because a person has the right to be whatever they want to be and to also act however they choose to act, you should know you are the light we need in such a world. In that same vein, you should understand, that your journey would not be easy, there might be no husband, there might be no friend to support or join your path, there will be a lot of scorn and disdain thrown your way, you will cry from the injustice of it all almost every day, but you will rise each dawn with your head up and chin out; without fretting eyes or weakened knees, and you will teach generations the ways of the just, so do not give up, we are counting on you.  Do not let them deceive you with the whole “Runs girls are getting married while the so called good girls are doing chief bridesmaid for them”, that was not your reason for choosing virtue in the first place, and if it was, think about it again and live your life how it feels to you, the real you.

My Parting Words of Advice

 Be moral, live your life without blemish as much as you can, try to be virtuous, if you are not a smoker, do not smoke to get a man. If you are not a clubber, do not club to get a man. If you are not a drinker, do not drink to get a man. If you do not believe in the life of sugar daddies, then do not get involved with them. If you are intently not the type of girl to sleep with a married man as coinage or otherwise, then do not do it. If marriage be for you, then it’ll come if you want, and even if you do not want marriage, that too, is absolutely okay.

Do not join the train, you weren’t meant to ride the train anyways, you were meant to soar, and soar you will.

About That Girl Writer


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Stories are not formed in one day. It takes a thousand and one multiple journey of days and weeks and months to form the success stories, and this is only possible when through it all you keep pushing.

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