Thursday, December 31, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Danny DeVito

Look at the little bugger. What a freakin goofball. Who else can pull off playing The Terminator's twin in a movie while being 5 feet, bald, and the complete opposite of anything athletic? No one, that's who. And unlike Arnold, he was actually a perfect fit for his role in Batman as The Penguin. Arnold as Mr. Freeze? Really? Mr. Freeze was a geeky pencil-neck scientist who was enhanced by a mechanical suit, not the beefed up Austrian monstrosity which is Arnold.

But then again, "Batman and Robin" may be along the lines of being one of the worst movies ever, not unlike Highlander the Source, and the casting of Arnold was only one of a multitude of things that are upsetting about that movie's existence. What was up with the Bane character? Bane is supposed to be savvy and intelligent, not some mindless oaf who speaks in one word sentences.

God what a horrible movie. The first movie was a classic. Batman Returns was good. But then Joel Schumaker came along and wrenched the series from Tim Burton's hands, as well as its fan base. I don't know if he was trying too hard to be "Tim Burtony" or what, but what a train wreck. God, seriously... Batman and Robin was a horrible horrible Batman adaptation.

And that's what I have to say about Danny DeVito.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Thurl Ravenscroft

This man, who looks a lot like some cliche villain from a 1960's movie, was a voice actor known for his deep booming voice. He is best known for the voice of Tony the Tiger. He also provided the voice for the buffalo head at Disneyland's former attraction, The Country Bear's Jamboree. But he is rarely attributed to what may be his best known work. The familiar bass singing you hear in Dr. Seuss' animated classic, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" is none other than Thurl Ravencroft.

Many people mistake the voice of this classic song as belonging to Boris Karloff, despite the fact that this voice doesn't really sound like Boris Karloff. This is because Karloff narrates the story as well as provides the voice for the Grinch. But some incompetent bastard forgot to add Thurl to the credits, an error which somehow slipped past editing, and to this day people still attribute this classic performance to Boris.

The Grinch song can now be heard as sung by the voice of Tay Zonday.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

J-Dubb's E-Begging Campaign

So, awhile back I made a video discussing the controversy of E-Begging. In this video, I try my hand at it.

Watch J-Dubb's E-Begging Campaign

Music by Kevin MacLeod

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Store Renovations: WHY!?

Store Renovations = Great way to annoy your customers

Seriously, what's the deal!? Why do stores feel the need to move all their inventory around every two years? Does some exec walk through the store going, "hmm, the peanut butter just isn't working over here where we decided to put it last time. Why not put it over there where the soups are. Speaking of the soups, they'd be more efficient over there. And these potato chips; all wrong. They'd be more feng shui a little closer to the produce section."

Seriously, what is the rationale behind this? There is no logical reason to shift your store all around like a giant rubik's cube! But somewhere, somebody is writing something down on paper in such a way that convinces someone else that a renovation has to be done. What is it? How are you convincing your bosses that a renovation is a good idea?

Here's what happens: Some executive, likely with a job title that has the word "planner" or "coordinator" in it, sits around with no work to do. So they have to come up with something to make it seem like they're actually getting paid for a reason. It's about job security. So what do they do? They plan and coordinate merely for the purpose of planning and coordinating. But since they don't really have any creativity, all they can come up with to plan and coordinate is a store renovation. Now they're not just getting paid for doing nothing, they're actually getting paid to halt the store's productivity. It's like paying the hospital for infecting you with a virus.

Stores, Stop it! Stop listening to whomever this is who keeps deciding to renovate. I don't know who they are, but fire them. They are a drain on your resources. Renovation is not only pointless, it is a bad idea. And I'm not just whining because something changed. Renovation is a bad idea!

So, basically, you're compromising productivity while pouring manpower into the act of pissing off your customers. Customers hate this. They avoid your store while the renovation is underway because nobody wants to navigate a cart around misplaced isles and bustling employees. But then, once all is said and done, you create a circus as lost shoppers hustle around trying to find your misplaced items.

Your customers don't go to your store wanting to partake in a fun scavenger hunt as they try to locate the items on their list. Your customers want to go in, get what they're there for, then go home and throw their shoes off.

This would be bad enough if only one or two people frequented your store at a time, but that's not how it works. There are a lot of people in this world, and many of them are shopping at your store all at the same time. A store can be chaotic enough as it is with people not watching where they're going, suddenly stopping right in front of you, and leaving grocery carts in the middle of isles. But throw in the added element of people not knowing where to find things because everything's been changed around and you have a zoo.

Now, Albertson's was the guilty party today, but they all do this. In fact, Fred Meyer probably does it more than any store I've ever seen. But there's absolutely no real reason for doing this. I don't care what's on some piece of paper explaining why stores need to renovate, or what rationale a bunch of people around a conference table came up with. There is no reason for it, other than to preserve some useless job titles.

Stop it! Bad store!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Ramblin Rod

Who is this Ramblin Rod? If you grew up in the Portland area, you already know. For the rest of you however; Ramblin Rod ran a cartoon show in the afore mentioned Portland area from 1964 to 1997, and as per the testimony of many former kids, he was a dick. Now, I never met the guy myself, but seeing how everything I have heard seems to confirm this (and I have heard nothing which contaradicts this) it seems that the man with a million buttons on his sweater was a huge prick.

I don't remember much about the live show in between cartoons, but the thing I remember the most is that it always began by showing a phony TV set that looked a lot like an Etch a Sketch with legs. A hand would tune this TV using the white Etch a Sketch knobs, until a voice said "Now it's time for the Ramblin Rod show." Then the knobs would pop off the TV and dance around, still connected by what seemed to be optic nerves.

The show itself consisted of a studio which contained a "peanut gallery" of about 50 kids. There was a smile contest and a birthday celebration. Kids all over the Portland area wanted to appear on The Ramblin Rod Show to be on TV. When they did, they discovered that when the camera wasn't rolling, Rod was a crank.

So, in a nutshell, Ramblin Rod was a grump with a cartoon show and a whole bunch of buttons on his freakin sweater.

Oh, and yes, I said "was." RIP 1933 - 2002

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Jan Crouch

The superstar this week is Jan Crouch. She's a singer and aspiring super model who is in love with a small green frog made of felt.

Oh wait... I'm thinking of someone else.

So... Jan Crouch; she is the stuff nightmares are made of. With that big poofy hair, layers of eye makeup, and that menacing grin; Pennywise used to have his parents check under his bed to make sure Jan Crouch wasn't hiding under there. But they didn't, because they were too afraid that she might actually be there, waiting to devour their brains. So they all barricaded themselves in a room with flashlights and didn't get an ounce of sleep. Really... that's Pennywise's back story. Just ask Steven King.

Now days, Jan Crouch sits upon her golden throne as she rules the Galactic Empire.


And that's all there is to say about Jan Crouch.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Mathew Roberts

Los Angeles DJ, Mathew Roberts, has ended the search for his biological father. The vegetarian and fan of Mahatma Gandhi has been informed by his birth mother that his biological father is in fact Charles Manson. Yes, "that" Charles Manson. Peace-loving Mathew Roberts is doing his best to cope with this new information.

Man discovers long lost dad is Charles Manson

Monday, November 23, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Danny MacAskill

Stunt cyclist, Danny MacAskill of Edinburgh Scottland, was recently put out of commission after suffering an injury which required hospitalization. The daredevil, known for pushing the limits of human ability with his treacherous stunts, was out taking a walk when he tripped over a curb and broke his collar bone.

BBC News

Monday, November 16, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Daniel Baldwin

Wait... what?? Who? Is there really such a person? Superstar of the week has featured many people from celebrities, to news makers, to random people from Google searches. Even puppets and household appliances have been featured. Never before has an imaginary person been featured for Superstar of the Week, right?

Well, believe it or not, Daniel Baldwin is in fact a real person. He is the brother of Alec Baldwin.

You mean that crazy religious guy who stars in B movies and reality shows?

No, that's Steven Baldwin. This is Daniel Baldwin.

But why feature Daniel Baldwin? What has he ever done? At least The Count provides kids with educational entertainment, Don Polinski is some Canadian park supervisor, and the Kenmore washer and dryer set gets your clothes clean. What has Daniel Baldwin done to be featured?

He's Alec and Steven's brother.

We know who they are. Who the hell is Daniel?

Look, you don't have to actually do anything to be Superstar of the Week. All you have to do is exist. I could feature this piece of paper in front of me if I wanted. That doesn't do anything either.

Sure it does. It has provided you with a place to scribble notes and e-mail addresses and has the potential to serve as a paper airplane or waste-basketball.

But Daniel Baldwin breathes and eats. That's something.

Well... that's true.

So it's settled. Daniel Baldwin: he eats and breathes and now he's the Superstar of the Week.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Return of the Cort and Fatboy Show

Three weeks after the firings from the infamous radio station, the Cort and Fatboy Show podcasts have returned. The show contains all the familiar features and accompanying sound bites, including "Fatboy's Dirty Laundry" and "Cort's Backstage Blog." As well, the regular guest spots have returned, including Aaron Duran, Byron Beck, and Mike Russel. The only difference is that the show is now deplete of regular interruptions from a crappy and repetitive music selection.

If you like podcasts, visit for a dose of "daily mediocrity". Livestreaming is weekdays at 2pm and recordings are uploaded at 3pm. Subscribe via iTunes, RSS, or Miro.

Go here to read what I wrote about the firings.

As for the Rick Emerson show: Rick Emerson still has his other show, Outlook Portland. Old episodes can be seen on the station's YouTube channel.

Sarah X. Dylan and Greg Nibbler have started their own podcast, Funemployment Radio.

Tim Riley is blogging away.

And J-Dubb can be seen via his YouTube channel...

Okay, that last one doesn't have anything to do with anything. I just wanted to promote myself.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Superstar of the Week is Mary Strey

Mary StreyMary Strey of Wisconsin has performed her citizenly duties. On the night of October 24, 2009, Mary called 911 to report a dangerous drunk driver. The driver was shortly arrested and removed from the roads, making the night that much safer. Who was this drunk driver? None other than Mary Strey of Wisconson.

Hear the recording of Mary Strey reporting herself to the 911 dispatcher.


Superstar of the Week Reformat

So, every week during the summer/fall time period, I choose a random person (or inanimate object as in some cases) to feature as the "Superstar of the Week." Basically, I post a picture of the person/object, and that's about it. One thing I've been noticing this time around is that it really waters down my blog in between real posts; especially if I go a week or more without posting anything else.

I started Superstar of the Week when I began this blog as sort of a humor piece... featuring random people for no apparent reason. But then, after the first couple months of blogging, my frequency of posting began to decline, and Superstar of the Week went by the wayside for awhile.

In using Blogger's blog search feature, I've found that the typical blog seems to only last a couple of months. There are a lot of long abandoned ghost blogs out there, and mine had the potential to become one of them. But I decided to stick with it, and I brought back Superstar of the Week a couple of times after long droughts just to show that this blog wasn't dead yet. Eventually, it just became the tradition to bring back the Superstar every summer and let it go by the way in the winter.

Superstar of the Week also came to serve as sort of a filler. In the beginning, it was more difficult for me to think of and articulate ideas to blog about, and this served as a lazy way to show activity on this blog in between real posts. In the last couple of years, however, blog posts have been pretty regular and a lot more outspoken (take this "quick note" on Superstar of the Week for example).

I feel like Superstar of the Week sort of gets in the way of the real posts now... not to mention the joke has run its course. I thought about just doing away with it altogether. I would still have Superstar of the Year and do Superstar of the Week as well as the other weekly features for Halloween week. But instead, I've decided to let Superstar of the Week evolve... From now on, my challenge for Superstar of the Week is to actually write something about the person I'm featuring, turning Superstar of the Week into an actual blog post. I'm guessing readers will appreciate this, as well.

And so, without further adieu, Superstar of the Week this week is...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Strain - H1N1


Strain - H1N1

Music by Kevin MacLeod

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Nosferatu V





The Rules

1. Sunlight kills vampires.

2. Vampires want to eat you.

3. Staking kills Vamps.

4. Vamps are garlic intolerant.

5. Crucifixes...

6. Flight Ability?

7. Increased Strength and Speed
See rule #6.

8. Shape shifting

9. Turning Vampires

10. Rule Ten

Oh yeah, reflections...

10. Reflections
Vampires don't have them.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Urban Legend of the Week


Satus: True

See the full story on

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

J-Dubb's Moral of the Week

Don't play with your food.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Day the Radio Died
















Cort and Fatboy: First Interview Since Firings

Cort, Fatboy, and Rick Emerson on KGW's The Square

Culture Pulp

Oregon Media Central

Save the Rick Emerson Show

PDX Sucks - Rip: The Cort and Fatboy Show

Geek in the City: Live Like a Mehfugee

Byron Beck: Cort and Fatboy out at KUFO

Well Fuck, Cort and Fatboy Just Got Fired: Portland Mercury

Dead Air: Willamette Week

Is This Seat Taken


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Petition Bob Saget










But what are the terms of this petition?

The Terms





5. Richard must take action to improve his physical coordination.



Monday, October 19, 2009

Friday, October 16, 2009

Blooper of the Week

Biggest Fox News error in History

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Balloon Boy: The White Bronco of 2009

Colorado - Falcon Heene and the Weather Balloon










Turns out he was hiding in the garage the whole time.







The Wolf Blitzer Interview on YouTube:
Part 1
Part 2

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Four More Years! Four More Years!



Superstar of the Year
















Wednesday, October 07, 2009

A 2006 YouTube VLOG



Watch A 2006 YouTube VLOG

Music by Kevin MacLeod

Monday, October 05, 2009

Superstar of the Year is William Shatner









Past Superstar of the Year Awards:

2008 - Alizee Jacotey
2007 - Peyton Manning
2006 - Chuck Norris

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Station is soooo Yesterday


Music by Kevin MacLeod

Superstar of the Week is Conway Twitty

Friday, September 11, 2009

Phil the Alien

A Wacky Comedy about a Canadian Alien... a Canalien

A few years back, my dad gave me several screener copies of B movies that he'd acquired for free from work. At the time, he was a movie replenisher for Fred Meyer, so it wasn't uncommon for him to take home screeners. I watched several of these movies, but there was one, Phil the Alien, that I just never got around to watching. It sat on top of my dusty old VHS collection for years (despite being a DVD), until now.

I was looking for a movie to watch with dinner; tacos with pulled pork, and they were gooood. As I searched through my DVDs, for some reason I remembered this screener I've had lying around since 2004. So I went over to my VHS rack, and there was Phil the Alien, still in it's plastic wrap. Fortunately there were none of those annoying security stickers.

So, after all these years, I finally watched Phil the Alien, and it was... very interesting. Well, it's a Canadian B movie, so naturally it's a bit odd, but despite that it actually had me laughing, and not just because of the cheeseball factor.

The movie begins with several awkward jumps between two scenes. One scene takes place in the woods and the other at the local bar. This is basically where we meet most of the characters, including the bar tender played by Graham Greene, an actual notable actor. After the jumpy, attention deficit first scene, the movie proceeds more smoothly.

The main protagonist, Phil, is played by Rob Stefaniuk, who is also the writer/director of the movie. Phil is a timid, shape shifting alien who mumbles when he's not speaking in his alien voice. His true form is a green thing that resembles Skeletor's rams head staff, but we only see this form at the very beginning. Throughout the duration of the movie, his form resembles an overgrown Malcolm in the Middle after having stuck his finger in a light socket.

The antagonist group is rather ambiguous. It's a top secret U.S. government agency located under Niagara Falls. But when we see the headquarters for the first time, it looks more like some crime lord's lair. Two walls of the dark room are glass and look out onto aquariums; one containing orcas and the other containing beluga whales, a feature which is more "Bond villain" and not so much "government facility". And the agents all wear different colored fur coats, for whatever reason.

The nature of this organization is also a bit fuzzy. The lead antagonist is referred to as "the general", and one member of the group has a flashback to military training, implying a military operation. But then the members are referred to as "agents" and even as "the feds" at one point, implying a civilian government organization. But the two goons of the movie, who act like mafia thugs, at one point refer to their organization as, "the company," giving it the feel of a private organization. But on the other hand, it is a Canadian movie. Perhaps this is what their government is like. All in all, however, it is a comedy. So I just laughed it off.

There was also a rather interesting use of props. In one scene, an agent who turns protagonist pulls a silver gun on a character. I noticed that the gun made a funny humming noise as if it were powering up. Guns don't normally do this, so I figured it it must be some sort of high tech alien gun or something. Upon closer examination, sure enough, it did not look like a regular pistol. Then I noticed the screws in the side. That's when it hit me. I was looking at a Nintendo zapper. It was actually the zapper from the 80's, painted and with the cord removed. Apparently, Nintendo zappers are standard issue for this organization. So this movie gets cool points for that.

So, eventually Phil joins a rock band, gets saved, starts a cult, and saves the day. All in all, it was a rather entertaining B movie. I laughed at the comedy, and well, I laughed at some of the special effects... and some of the directing... and some of the acting... but mostly the comedy.

And there was a talking beaver.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Friday, September 04, 2009

Friday, August 28, 2009

LOL Squids

New Web Ideas

So, lately I've been running out of cash as I scramble around the unemployment market looking for a new source of income. Inspired by the long running success of LOL Cats, I have decided to try my hand at a similar idea. If that guy can make bucks off of cute provocative pictures of animals, why can't I? So, here are some of my ideas...

LOL Squids

LOL Lions

LOL Crocodiles

LOL Snails

LOL Rhinos

LOL Cerberus

And of course, who will be able to resist the charming wiles of...

LOL Regis Philbin