How to Be Happy with Who You Are

Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC

Updated: May 16, 2019

Explore this Article Accepting Yourself Loving Who You Are Increasing Social Connection Article Summary Questions & Answers Related Articles References

Being happy with who you are, or having a positive identity, involves feeling good about your personal, professional, and social self. Most people in the world, big or small, Hispanic, African American, Asian or Caucasian, can sometimes feel negatively about their identity. This negativity can be due to lack of personal, occupational, or social fulfillment. In order to regain a positive identity you may benefit from: accepting your unique qualities, loving who you are, pursuing your goals (personal, professional, and social), and increasing social connection.

Accepting Yourself

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    Appreciate diversity. Accepting yourself is crucial to having a positive identity. It's important to bear in mind that every human being in this world is different, and no two faces or bodies are the same. If there is no norm among human beings, how can there possibly be any form of inferiority? If you appreciate diversity in the world, you may begin to appreciate and accept yourself more.[1]
    • Make a list of all of the diverse aspects that you appreciate about the world. Some examples might be different: religions, cultures, environments, skin colors, talents, personalities. These variables are what make human beings, including yourself, interesting and unique.
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    Embrace your unique qualities.[2] There is no 'normal' human being, and no 'normal' framework for a human being.
    • Accept your differences in a positive manner. For instance "Yeah, I have big feet, but that's what makes me unique!"
    • Look at your personal flaws or mistakes as opportunities to learn or to better yourself.[3]
    • Don't think of your unchangeable differences (color of your skin, height, etc) as flaws, classify them as unique qualities that make you who you are. Your 'inferiority' or defect can also be seen as a unique or individual quality. If it wasn't for those things, we might all be generic clones with no unique traits.
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    Avoid comparing yourself to others. Nobody is perfect. They say the grass is always greener on the other side. If you focus on the idea that there will always be someone out there with more money than you, or better looking than you, you may struggle with feeling content.
    • It may seem other people are perfect, but really, they have their own differences.
    • When you compare yourself to others, stop and redirect your thinking. Think about your unique traits that are just as interesting. Tell yourself that it is okay to have these traits.
    • Understand that most people aren't out there to judge you. Most people won't know about how poorly you did on your last math test, or how you've gained a little weight since last summer.
  4. 4
    Forgive yourself. People who have self-acceptance are able to forgive past mistakes and not let these situations color who they are.[4] Your history or mistakes do not define you. What you choose to do today and who you are in this moment defines you.
    • Consciously admit your mistakes or regrets. Go through each one that stands out and forgive yourself for it. Say or think to yourself, "I made this mistake. I forgive myself for doing this. This does not make me a bad person. I will choose to not make this mistake again."
    • Identify positive things that you have done or accomplished in the past. Some examples might include: graduating, passing a test, maintaining a relationship, accomplishing a goal, or helping another person. These positive events are likely to outweigh your mistakes and can help you focus on the good aspects of your history.

Loving Who You Are

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    Identify your values. Your personal values can have an enormous impact on beliefs, goals, and identity. They are the things you feel are important in your life, and can include things like family, knowledge, kindness, etc. Identifying your values can help you understand who you are and what is most important to you.[5]
    • Make a list of the the times you were happiest in your life. What were you doing? Who were you with?
    • Then list when you felt most proud. What cause this feeling? Were others proud, too? Who?
    • List when you felt most fulfilled and satisfied. Did you feel the experience gave your life meaning? How? Why? Was a particular need or desire fulfilled? Which one?
    • Look through your list and try to identify which values these experiences represent. Examples include: growth, service, faith, determination, passion, love, loyalty, patriotism, honor, intellectual status, selflessness, etc. You can use the following list to help you: or search online for examples of personal values.
    • Finally, go back through the values you have identified and try to determine the top three that are most important to you.
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    Define your identity. You must first know who you are in order to love yourself. Athletes who practice self-love tend to have more positive emotions about themselves and think more highly of their own behaviors. Part of loving yourself is truly knowing who you are, or creating a personal identity. These pieces of your identity make up who you are.
    • Make a list of all of the important components of your identity. Some identities include: athlete, mother, child, grandchild, passionate person, dancer, or writer. These are the important identities that you can learn to love and appreciate.
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    Think positively about yourself. How you think about yourself affects your feelings and behaviors.[6] Evaluating your identity as positive may help you feel happier about yourself as a whole.[7]
    • Spend time thinking about your strengths (everyone has them) and you will find yourself more happy, and also more confident!
    • Look on the bright side of things!
    • Imagine positivity. Using imagery helps improve self-confidence.[8] Imagine yourself as confident and completely happy with who you are. What does it feel like? What is happening? How did it occur?
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    Use positive self-talk. Positive affirmations or positive self-talk help improve confidence and reduce negative emotions such as anxiety.[9][10]
    • If you are feeling bad about yourself, try saying something positive like, “It’s okay that I didn’t get the grade I wanted on that test. It doesn’t make me a bad student. I know that I am a good student, I just need to learn how to do better next time and everything will turn out okay.” The key here is to not let small mistakes become part of your overall identity. Do not let yourself believe that having trouble at something makes you bad.
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    Respect yourself. Self-respect is about treating yourself well and not allowing anyone else to treat you poorly.
    • Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Poor health can lead to lack of well-being.
    • Set boundaries with others. For example, don't joke with others about things that truly affect your self-esteem. If you're particularly sensitive about your weight, avoid joking with friends, as this may lead them to believe they can do it too.
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    Build your character. Having virtuous qualities such as: wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, and transcendence, can help you form a positive identity.[11]
    • If you want to become more focused on helping others, you can donate your money or time (volunteer) to a charity of your choice. This can help you feel like you are giving back to your community or the world as a whole.
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    Create positive and attainable goals. Focus on fixing what you can change. Having goals and working toward them can increase your happiness with who you are.[12] This way you are progressing toward your ideal self.[13]
    • Gain employment. Not having a job is linked to a lack of well-being.
    • Let go of what you can’t change. There are some things you can work toward (gaining employment, losing weight, etc) while others you cannot. Things like your height, ethnicity, and family upbringing are very difficult to change in a healthy way. Instead, accept these as they are and work toward coping with them.
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    Engage in self-expressive activities. This can help increase intrinsic motivation and overall happiness.[14] It is important that you are intrinsically motivated because this means you are able to motivate yourself and you rely less on outside rewards (praise from others, or financial gain) in order to achieve your goals.
    • Such expressive activities might include those which make you feel: alive, complete, involved, that it is what you are meant to do, that it fits you, and that you are truly being yourself.[15]
    • Define your purpose. What do you want to be remembered for? Being a good parent, friend, helping others?
    • Be persistent. Don't EVER give up. Don’t avoid taking chances because you fear you'll make a mistake.

Increasing Social Connection

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    Be social. Lack of social contact can lead to lack of well-being. Don't concentrate too much on yourself; Get interested in others.
    • Balance your personal and social identity.[16] You can do this by being genuine and honest. Be yourself and don’t put on a false identity.
    • Celebrate your accomplishments with others.[17] This can create a shared sense of happiness. Celebrate accomplishments such as: jobs, promotions, test scores, new homes, engagements, marriages, etc.
  2. 2
    Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. Getting support is an important component of being happy with who you are. We need people around us to build us up and believe in us.
    • If you are around negative people who put you down or treat you poorly, you may need to decide if these relationships or worth continuing.
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    Get help from a friend. Good friends will help you achieve your goals, whatever they may be. Good friends will tell you the truth, and you can work together on ways to make you feel better about yourself.
    • Talk with your friend about what aspects you are unhappy about.
    • If you find it difficult to talk with friends, ask them if they ever feel inferior or unhappy with themselves sometimes, and you may be surprised.
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    Inspire and help others. Be inspiring for someone else; this can be a virtuous quality that can increase your positive identity.[18] If you radiate positivity and happiness to others, you may internalize this positivity.
    • When you find yourself fishing for compliments, turn it around! When you notice how pretty someone's hair looks today, or how cute her shirt is, tell her! This may not only make her feel good about herself, but also may help you feel happier.
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    See a counselor. If you feel unhappy with who you are and cannot seem to move passed it, you could benefit from professional help. Psychologists and therapists can often help you set specific goals; they have a variety of psychological interventions to use that may help you work toward self-love and happiness.
    • Contact your medical insurance provider for a list of approved therapists.
    • If you do not have medical insurance you can contact your local government or social services agency for low-cost health insurance. Or, you can conduct a search for low-cost mental health centers in your area.

Community Q&A

Add New Question
  • Question
    What should I do about easily getting jealous of others?
    Community Answer
    Avoid comparing yourself and your life with that of others. Everyone's on their own path, and has their own advantages and disadvantages in life. Focus instead on being the best version of yourself that you can be.
  • Question
    How do I improve my self-esteem if I have no friends?
    Community Answer
    Accept yourself. Love yourself. Improve yourself. Smile more. Share your passions with people similar to you. But most importantly, never let others determine your worth.
  • Question
    What if I don't like my appearance and find it hard to accept it?
    Community Answer
    Remind yourself that you are beautiful in your own unique way. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Embrace your beauty; there is someone out there who would kill to look like you. You are beautiful and unique and YOU.
  • Question
    I have never liked the name I was given at birth. I'm embarrassed to give it out to new people. How can I best cope with this?
    Community Answer
    Make up a nickname for people to call you. When you are 18, you can legally change your name if you want to without your parents approval. You will have to pay a little, and each state is different in their requirements, but none are difficult to achieve.
  • Question
    What do I do in solitude?
    Community Answer
    Read, write, paint, exercise, learn a musical instrument, watch shows or movies you enjoy, or engage in any other hobby or activity that interests you. This is a great time to explore some new interests in your quest of self-discovery.
  • Question
    What can I do for low self-esteem associated with my looks?
    Community Answer
    Tell yourself you're just different. Looks don't mater.
  • Question
    What is the key to never having negative thoughts?
    Community Answer
    The key is to start telling yourself the opposite. Even if you don't believe it, say it until you do. For example, if you start thinking "I'm fat," tell yourself the opposite. Your brain is designed to respond with happiness towards positive thoughts, even if they aren't true.
  • Question
    How can I stop feeling bad about the fact that my friend is dating my crush?
    Community Answer
    Remind yourself that you are perfect regardless of your relationship status, and that just because someone seems perfect for you doesn't mean they are. If your crush is happy with your friend, then it means you probably wouldn't have been the right person for them either way.
  • Question
    After a test, my friends like to compare grades. This make me jealous and angry. How can I stop this?
    Community Answer
    Let your friend know that you don't want to compare grades anymore. You don't have to explain why -- just be firm.
  • Question
    I truly want to be happy with myself, though I am honestly confused about who I am to begin with. How do I know who I am?
    Community Answer
    I think the article's tips to make a list of your interests and nouns that describe you (writer, child, student, athlete, etc.) could help with that. Moreover, just try to think about yourself more. That sounds odd, but it does help. Notice yourself. Notice your thoughts, notice your actions and mannerisms. Acknowledge yourself.
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Unanswered Questions
  • I can't make my parents proud even though I try my best. No matter what I do they won't trust me. I feel their disappointment and that doesn't help at feeling good about myself at all. What should I do?
  • I don't have a lot of money, or a girlfriend and I don't have a lot of confidence in my personality. How can I feel happier in my life?
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    Article SummaryX

    To be happy with who you are, think of your unique qualities, such as large feet or your height, as positive attributes that make you who you are. You should also avoid comparing yourself to others, since you'll always find someone who appears to have more than you do. That way, you can focus on being content with the traits and features that are part of you. If you find this difficult, use positive affirmation to boost your confidence by thinking positively about yourself. For example, you may tell yourself that you’re a good student, even though you did poorly on a test. When you identify things about yourself you don’t like, try setting goals to help you change them, such as planning how to lose weight or socialize more. For tips from our Counseling co-author, including how to accept yourself by engaging more with others, keep reading!

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    Article Info


    Categories: Self Esteem

    In other languages:

    Italiano: Essere Felici con Se Stessi, Español: ser feliz con quien eres, Русский: быть счастливым, оставаясь самим собой, Deutsch: Sei zufrieden mit dir so wie du bist, Tiếng Việt: Trở nên Hạnh phúc với Bản thân, 한국어: 스스로에게 행복 느끼기, Français: être heureux avec soi–même, العربية: الرضا عن نفسك, Bahasa Indonesia: Berbahagia dengan Diri Sendiri, Čeština: Jak být spokojený s tím, kdo jste, Nederlands: Blij zijn met wie je bent, Türkçe: Olduğun Kişiyle Nasıl Mutlu Olunur

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