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Update 2 - (Trigger) Abuse by SS14

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Just to update you all who have been following along.

DH continues to blame me for this entire mess, and believes that SS is innocent. He believes that LO4 lied. He has been attempting to make life uncomfortable for everyone - continual snide remarks, interrogations, waking me up early to talk right then and there. I largely ignore. It's not worth having the same fight with him or even engaging this loser of a man. SD18 is taking this whole thing personally, and has been rude to the rest of the family. Because everything inevitable is about her.  Fortunately, she has been spending most of her time with her Mom. She returns to school soon, thankfully. For a while we thought she was going to fail out but she fortunately made it through and will be gone in a week.

We have an appointment for LO4 with a therapist (next week) and it can't come soon enough. This past weekend, I negotiated with DH that he would take SS and SD away so that LOs and I could stay home. SS14 is not scheduled to be back at our house for two weeks. This gives me enough time to get the rooms switched (SS's room will be downstairs in the finished basement), and the door alarms and cameras installed. The door alarms are small and discreet. The cameras I'm still deciding on but I will get something installed before SS returns. And hopefully, the therapist will suggest that we maintain separate residences for SS and LOs. But if that doesn't happen, or if DH still fights it, I need to maintain separation, security and constant supervision in the home.

DH is having a hissy fit over the need to switch rooms, because it might seem to SS that he's being punished and that SD will lose her ensuite bedroom-bathroom. I rolled my eyes at his little fit. The room switch is happening. I told DH that if he doesn't help me move everything, I will hire movers to do the lifting up and down the stairs. I just can't even with this guy.

My mother has been coming on the weekends to back me up and my father gave DH a lecture. They both told DH that they would be watching SS and ensuring LOs safety, since he was failing to make that a priority as their father. So, now DH is going to be stuck with his mother-in-law, at a minimum, every time SS is in the home (and that's assuming that we don't make other provisions for SS).


NotURMomma's picture

Can’t you file for a restraining order against SS for your DS and then file for divorce???

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I didn't get the sense that that was possible, but I can ask.

momjeans's picture

I forget. Did you have your LO physically examined?

Yeah, I just cannot imagine having a DH who reacts like this. It’s so gross. I hope you and LO break free of these extremely toxic people ASAP. 

Disneyfan's picture

I agree that your husband is completely wrong here, but  your parents are also.  There's nothing stopping your husband from kicking your mother out of his home.  

At this point one of you need to throw in the towel and walk away.  No one can watch SS 24/7.  Cameras won't prevent him from harming your son again.  They will just provide evidence when he does.


HowBoutScottyDont's picture

If he wants to attempt to kick my mother out, he's free to try.

While I could "throw in the towel", me walking away will allow DH to bring SS around LOs. DH will get unsupervised custody at this point.

GrabitAndGo's picture

Your DH is 100 different kinds of a$$hole.  Is he making his snide comments in front of or to LO4?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I understand your fear is that if you leave DH, then he will have visitation with LO and you will not be there to protect LO. Would he want visitation? If you offered to walk away with full custody and no support, would he do it? I feel like your situation is such that you might have to take drastic action at some point.

In the meantime, if your DH continues to support SS at LO's expense, I would consider trying to get a restraining order against SS. Make DH see him outside the home.

And good for your parents. Mine would respond the same and I would welcome their support.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

My father asked me that recently - would DH let me and LOs move, with me having full custody and him having supervised visits, if I agreed to no support. The truth is that I don't think DH would ever let that happen. While he doesn't enjoy LOs that much, he loves the appearance of being father of the year. So he will take his custody time, even if he has to pawn LOs off on a sitter or his parents, but even worse, on SS.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

That is how I thought he would be, given how you have described him. Keep it mind though, in case you end up with no other way out.

WTF...REALLY's picture

you’re doing a good job doing everything possible for your son. I understand why you’re not just divorcing him right away. Because then he would get his son part time and have even more private access for his son to hurt your son. Keep going mama. You’re strong. You got this. 

somethingwicked's picture

This is such b*llshit.The entire family held hostage by this teen ahole delinquent.The TODDLER raped ? by the SS?

And kid is still allowed under your roof?

Really..Kid Should BE GONE.WHY is he not gone?



Move DH and his spawn The F out like tomorrow is not sooner.

..Let them live with DH 's  family until skid ages out..or with grandparents  whoever/whatever/whereever~ get an apartment.

Or a spot  on a G.D. Greyhound bus station bench.

Where is the BioBag in all this ? Better idea~  Send ahole idiot 14 year old off to live with Mommee and SD18..

Why the hellnot? It would be worth giving Mommee 100% custody of her rabid cur  and pay all the CS for the privledge than deal with this chronic BullSh*t drama.

Child molestors usually were abused themselves.

Who in the family  or circle of friends /community do you think may have molested this 14 year old.Usually it is the person who protests the loudest about separating the abuser from his target.



HowBoutScottyDont's picture

No rape occured. Inappropriate touching occured, as well as adult conversation (how to pleasure oneself).

While I would like for DH and SS to move out, I cannot force him out without either a court order in a divorce decree, or a protective order. I do not believe that I qualify for a protective order at this point. And if I file for divorce, DH will get unsupervised visitation at this point.

With that said, BM does not want SS back at our home, for his own protection (i.e. she doesn't want anyone to potentially make more claims against him). So this may be moot pending the final investigation.

I often wondered what might have happened to DH in the past, or to SS... but both DH and SS are vaults with that kind of information.

ITB2012's picture

The vault comment you made makes my spidey senses tingle. There may be some things you need to know. I wonder if a private investigator would be able to turn up any information.

somethingwicked's picture

Thank you for clarifying.I went back and read your other postings.

No rape. Not Yet.

Little kids of similar ages and school years will explore each other ;it is natural curiosity and ,while not socially acceptable or appropriate at times ,falls under "normal behavior".There may be touching but mostly looking  and any touching is not with carnal intent.

The 14 year old experiencing his puberty years  touching a 4 year old and explaining to his little brother "what teen boys do with their private parts " is alarming and may be the first step towards grooming the little preschooler by"normalizing" the action of inappropriate touching prior to full on penetration with finger or penis . 

Your H ,the father, in all your postings is behaving so much like he is wanting to enable or normalize this crime,the perversion that 14 year old perpetrated on his step brother. 

When I read your first post what  jumped out is repeatedly your husband responds so inappropriately~ reacted with "fury"~your word furious ~ that you took the 4 year old to the pediatrician for some possible confirmation and you SUSPECTED that H would have forbidden taking the child to the pediatrician so you took him alone .Furthermore your H FORBADE you discussing the incident with anyone. Your DH called his 4 yo a "little shit" for telling his mother what 14 year old did. Your DH lied to you regarding the facts of the case when he said the investigative case against 14 year old was being closed.

H is heinous and all his actions and words indicate complicity rather than complacency. 

There are too many people  in my own circle of family and friends alike that have been sexually molested /raped as youngsters  and not by a stranger on the street  but by relatives or adult friends regarded  as trustworthy .

I applaud your courage.I applaud your steadfastness .I hope you divorce this person because he is a huge part of the problem and wonder how much of the depression the 14 year old experiences has been caused by events in his past that his father either enabled or ignored. And I hope and pray you prevail in all your efforts in  keeping this little innocent safe . 


DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Is there anyway you can get some more legal advice either free or paid for? I feel like you have been let down, and I really feel for you and your little boy. I guess the states have certain legislation, but maybe you could challenge it later on if you feel he will force you into a corner.  I’m not judging, I’m not in your situation.. 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

More legal advice seems to be the general thought. I did email both another lawyer in the area (she wants a retainer to even talk) and a lawyer friend, who I was hesitant telling due to her closeness to my family. But, this is actually her specialty...

Harry's picture

Your parents to talk with a lawer to really see where you stand,  and what you can and can not do.  It would be well worth the money.  You really have no choice since DH is being such a as* and protecting SS. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

At this point, you've decided the marriage is over, correct? So rein in your parents a bit, and give your H more rope. Document everything. Get those cameras in, and record  him berating you. Have convos in the phone, and record him baring his ass. Gather  every bit of ammo you can, while you can.

justmakingthebest's picture

This is very good advice. Also, instead of your parents coming there, could you send your little's to them on those weekends? 

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

and i will go with LOs some weekends too. I work all week, so I don't like the idea of shipping the LOs off,only to send them back to daycare monday mornings Sad

justmakingthebest's picture

No, that would not be ideal.... but nothing about what your SS has done is. Nothing about what your husband has done either. Now your kids will continued to be punished. It is wrong on sooooo many levels.

I hope that you can get through a resolution quickly that will keep them safe. I asked you before, and I don't remember seeing the answer. What does BM have to say about all of this??

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I'm gathering as much as possible. I feel good about having photocopied all the documents last weekend, so now my parents have a copy of everything. That to me feels like I have a safety net..

ItsGrowingOld's picture

I really feel for you and the horrific situation you and your LO's are in.  Be safe and keep your LO's safe. 

One of my older brothers sexually molested me for years.  Years later, I found out our "dad" had been sexually molesting him since he was a very young boy as well as one other brother.  Your SS's sexual behaviour, IMHO, is learned beahviour.  What male in SS's life do you think could be abusing him?  Could it have been your husband?  There's a reason your husband is reacting the way he is.  He is not having normal reactions to the situation.