someday our ocean will find its shore


reading: bookclub notes
listening: nick drake
watching: the boondocks
obsession: blankets

it is so cold this week. the weekend was unseasonably warm- most of the snow melted on saturday and sunday, but yesterday and today are bitterly cold. i think we’re going to put the flannel sheets on the bed (finally) and i actually swapped in my winter clothes last night.

our room is 80% finished. we’re functional! hooray! all that’s really left for us to do is tackle the closet, which is a mess. well, a mess in that the clothes are all hanging up but not organized, and the space on the top shelf is being used completely inefficiently. there are hangers everywhere. it’s going to be like, an entire day to get it together. and all the rest of the stuff we have to do is related to finding storage, which is the closet, so. i’m going to end up doing work at home for pretty much the rest of the week, so we’ve put that on the back-burner- definitely a problem for next week. we’re both so relieved that it’s almost done though! like, finally! we live here! it’s not just a space where we keep the bed! hooray!

we do bookclub next week on monday- it’s going to be a J A M. basically almost every other person in our group has gone on to read the sequels, where characterization has FLIPPED for a bunch of characters. it’s going to be hilarious talking about things.

speaking of babes we added andrew (at the request of like basically everyone) and swany (who finally memed himself into mando being like CAN WE JUST INVITE HIM PLEASE) to babecord yesterday. and then everyone basically lost their damn mind and went OFF with a bunch of lewd shit all day. it was hilarious and also just like…. guys. guys come ON we just added new people can you pretend we’re not all gremlins. and both andrew and swany were like WOW SO MANY CHANNELS first thing when they joined and we were all like… is it really? cause we do actually use almost all of them pretty regularly. then mando rearranged and organized everything and now i have no idea where all our shit is hahha. alex made it safely to la where he just got a new job and we’re all so proud and happy for him.

mando is back and it is completely just like… a non-issue. :shrug: i don’t even know if i have Thoughts about it or not because like, she’s grown. i’m grown. even though our friends are all young, they are also grown. i literally cannot make mando’s melodrama my priority (no matter how much my inner 17-year-old is screaming about friendship). i’ve been making a lot of “not my circus, not my monkeys” decisions since november and like, i’m pretty cool with that i think. it’s a different feeling for me.

usually, when i’m all in my feelings i have a period, usually of a couple of hours, where i FEEL them. like dramatic ugly sobbing, cold furious ranting, hysterical sarcastic laughter, destructive impulses, the whole thing, whatever the thing is. sometimes i fall into my head during that time and have to climb my way back out of it, but that’s only the absolute worst cases. normally it’s the crying and the anger or whatever and then at some point i cool my head down, and mentally divorce myself from my feeling and examine it from as many angles as i can. what caused this? is there any basis for feeling like i do or is it just hormones/a bad day/etc? what the fuck am i going to do about it? this usually takes anywhere from 20 minutes to a few days. and in previous years, especially before i recognized this pattern within myself, i would dive headfirst back into whatever that situation was and wrestle with things from within. see: continuing to be “best friends” with heather and jordyn even after i had my great hermit moment of junior year. literally disappearing from my tight-knit friend group because i knew somewhere that i wasn’t -happy- with my relationships with them and needed space to express that, then deciding to double-down on those friendships because everything would be just fine if i could fix their problems. if they had my unconditional, unwavering support then they’d support me back right? l o l nope! even in college, with john, knowing that there were definite issues with our plans for the future and that we were both miserable, well, just acknowledging that and giving up what i wanted in the present would mean that he’d suddenly be okay with leaving asheville, right? whoops.

but ever since… bron probably? it’s like, there’s an extra step on the end of all the analyzing that’s like, is it fucking worth it to jump back in? is this relationship, is this situation worth wading back into this fucking mess and putting in the effort to reshape it to something that is beneficial? with bron, it broke my heart (and still does a bit) to realize that i had fucked up, that things were so badly broken, that trying to get back in there and fight for our friendship was pointless. even if we rebuilt our friendship it would be on a cracked foundation. not just that her opinion of me had crashed and burned, but that my trust in her was shattered. what would i even have to fight for? the memories of our friendship? i mean, yes, but also i don’t need her to currently like me to remember the good times we had. like, bye, i loved you a lot friend, but i don’t really even want to have to fend off all the shit you’d throw at me just to prove myself ~worthy~ of being ~kinda~ your friend again.

so when the shit with streamer boy demoting me, like my dramatic ass cried at work, and then messaged him for an explanation, and now it’s like. it’s not like i’m really losing anything but headaches by not having to mod. i have friends in the community that i talk to, i can always pop in and out of streams when i want, and while part of me does want him to fess up to being an idiot, mostly it’s just not worth it. he was never going to be my close personal friend so like, who even fucking cares. let’s move on.

so like, with mando. i do care about her. i do want to continue to be her friend. but i’m just gonna stay as far out of her drama as possible because like, that’s not what i’m here for. i am not part of this community to tell a 30 year old woman how not to be an asshole to her friends. i AM here to help the 20 year olds hurt in her wake, so if THAT continues i’ll have to talk to her, but this is a fight i’m willing to fight. these girls are dear to me.

it’s nice to be able to name that distinction, to identify my reasons. it’s nice to know that i can come out of the emotional flurry of being mad or sad or whatever and know that i’m choosing to care because i value the relationships i have with my friends who care back instead of placing all my value on being an emotional punching bag. emotional growth or something. wowee.

anyway, i hope anyone reading finds something to make them happy this week 🙂

“Y’ALL THE MOON!” “it still there” “classic moon” “it Large,” milk steak, “making fun of anakin skywalker is one of the joys of my life,” <33

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January 22, 2019

Is the book club you are in an online one or one you physically go to?  I have always wanted to be part of a book club because I love to read and love to talk about what I have read with someone who has read the same book.  I really enjoyed reading this entry and would like to put you on my friends list but don’t know how.  Could you help me with that?

I understand about the whole friend issue.  I love what you said about the friendship being on a cracked foundation.  It has taken me most of my life to understand that I would rather have no close friends than to have friends who are more of a struggle than a joy to maintain.  Right now my only close friends are my sisters but I long for a best friend that lives closer to me.  I want a friend who calls me first to do things instead of calling me when the person they really want isn’t available.  I want a friend that I feel at home at their house and can just drop by for coffee or to just relax and talk.  I use to have that but every time I get a best friend they more away.  I look forward to reading more of your diary…if I can figure out how to find you again 🙂

January 27, 2019

ah, fuck, nick drake breaks my effing heart, luv.

removing toxic presences from your life is so difficult sometimes, but so worth it…be kind with yourself as you navigate those choppy waters.

*hugsy hugsy