Tuesday, June 20, 2006

True Wife Confessions Act 5

Confession #041

I'm tired of our lives revolving around the projects you have going on at work. I hate that we can't even plan something on a Sunday because you usually have to do some work that weekend. Why don't you grow a pair and tell your clients "no, I can't work on Sunday. I want to spend time with my child and wife." You certainly have no problem telling your child and wife "No. I can't spend time with you on Sunday. I need to call the client and do a few hours of work."

Confession #042

We've been married for 25 years and I've contemplated leaving you for 23 of them. I stay for the security.

Confession #043

You know how you tell everyone that raw garlic gives you a migraine? I cook with it all the time when you are not looking, and you never get a headache!

Confession #044

You work really hard honey and so do I, BUT because I no longer work outside the home, you and others, think I don't have a 'real job'. So when you sometimes bring home cash and shove it in your sock drawer, I occassionally take $100 bill because you never notice one missing now and again. I figure since I have to turn your smelly work socks right side out to wash them, I deserve it!

Confession #045

When you ask me how much money I have on me at any given time, I'm lying through my teeth. If you ask, and I say that I have $10, I really have closer to $30. If I say that I have no money, it usually means I have about 5 bucks. When you ask how much money we have in the bank, I usually tell you $200 less than what we actually have.
I do this so that you don't bleed us dry financially buy purchasing even more DVDs and assorted guy-crap.

Confession #046

When I want to go out with a girlfriend, last minute, and you happen to have last minute plans as well, I act as though I told you weeks earlier, so I get my way. Half the time you don't listen to me anyway, or you forget about plans, so my convincing act always gets me out of the house.

Confession #047

It's very sweet that you want to build things around
the house and make carpentry repairs and such. I'm
down with letting you feel all manly if that's what it
takes. But honey, this sort of thing is not one of
those skills you have just because you are blessed
with a Y chromosome. If you don't know how to build
it or fix it, just say so! We can hire someone who
can do it right, who won't screw it up or make it look
totally half-assed! Dude, that treehouse...!

Confession #048

If I want you to wear a particular item of clothing for a certain event, then I simply place said item of clothing within easy reach. You will, without fail, wear the pants on the top of the pile, or the shirt that is hanging just within arm's reach. Much easier than fighting with you about wearing that godawful orange linen shirt AGAIN!

Confession #049

Rinsing your mouth with listerine is not the same as brushing your teeth.

Confession #50

Sometimes I pretend I am not feeling well after a long day at work just so that you will take the kids to their activities. I just want to stay home and read my book.


Anonymous said...

WOO HOO! Mine is in there! Thanks Dawn. This has been liberating.

Anonymous said...

#48 - yes. Back when I used to give a shit. It's totally true - give it a try.

Cindy said...

Oh yes on the money, the girl dates at the last minute....

Anonymous said...

Thanks Dawn! My rants are out there! This is fun.

Anonymous said...

Yahoo! This is truly awesome--I feel so much less guilty about my rage.

Paige said...

OMG!! #49! That drives me insane!!!

Lisa said...

These are great. Thanks for starting this site Dawn.

Trollmeister said...

Number 43. If raw garlic gives him a headache, why is it so clever to point out that you cook the garlic and he never gets a headache? It's cooked, not raw.