Sam Jackson

How to Knock Yourself Out

Go the F*** to Sleep

I googled "can't sleep," and what came up were suggestions along the lines of:

Turn on a fan for white noise!
Do your favorite yoga pose!
Count backwards!

These are all great suggestions if you want to continue to not sleep and also hate being awake even more than you already do. If you actually want to get to sleep, try one or more of the guaranteed 100% effective solutions below and you'll be asleep in no time.

1. Advil PM

My friend introduced me to these miracle workers while on a camping trip. I had forgotten my sleeping pad and was getting maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, at least until I popped a few of these. They basically paralyze you until you slip into the deepest darkest sleep of your life. Highly recommended.

2. Red Wine

If you're tossing and turning for half hour or more, you need to calm the fuck down. Pour a yourself a pint of a nice red, and suddenly not only will you not care that you can't get to sleep, you'll also soon pass out on your couch without brushing your teeth. Magic!

3. Milk & Honey (& Whiskey)

Everyone knows this one -- but you can 10x it if you add a shot of Makers. I'm pretty sure more enterprising parents have known this trick for decades.

4. Blackout film

Unless you live in Scandinavia and it's December, the sun is probably fucking with your sleep. Give it a proverbial middle finger and plaster this stuff over your windows. You definitely won't regret it when you're sleeping 12 hours a night (or day -- you won't know the difference).

5. Pot brownies

Call your guy, troll Craigslist, wander around the sketchy part of the park, move to Boulder -- whatever you need to do. You won't regret it. Eat 90-120 minutes before desired bedtime, put on some music, and enjoy the show. Have another because it's "not working" at your own risk.
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