Neuroscience and Relationships What does your relationship look like to your brain? Fri, 31 May 2019 10:01:47 +0000 en-US hourly 1 NeuroscienceAndRelationships Why Women Are Often MisLabeled Narcissists, 1 of 2 Thu, 30 May 2019 12:51:50 +0000

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The term “narcissist” is commonly misapplied. Too often, the label is used to describe persons that trigger upsetting emotions in us in family or work settings,


men and women photo


The term “narcissist” is commonly misapplied. Too often, the label is used to describe persons that trigger upsetting emotions in us in family or work settings, are intense or demanding, easily frustrated or angered, and so on. Difficult persons however are not necessarily narcissists. On the flip, neither are persons others judge as over-focused on looks or success, seeking attention or the spotlight.

These and other traits have added much confusion to identifying narcissism, as has the use of the term “healthy narcissism” by several well meaning authors and researchers.

Notably, narcissists have everything to gain when confusion rules. They are not only experts at orchestrating confusion by obfuscating truth with lies and half-truths and so on, the specific methods they use are scientifically proven by decades of research to neutralize the otherwise amazing critical thinking ability of the human brain’s frontal cortex.

By definition narcissism is a lust, an addictive craving if you will, to prove superiority and dominance by the intentional use of proven thought-control tactics that diminish — then take over — another human being’s sense of self and connection to their innate human strengths.

These con artistry tactics include gaslighting, pathological lying, smear campaigns, and the like, and the agenda is to hide their wrongs and shift blame to victims.

Like addicts, inflicting pain to prove dominance and superiority is their drug of choice.

Inflicting pain, in the mind of narcissists and psychopaths, is how they prove they’re not what they detest — human, in that:  They feel no empathy or remorse for the harm they inflict on their victim’s sense of self and agency, or the chaos and disconnect they orchestrate on victim’s network of family and friends in order to isolate them from key sources of love and support, more often persons, but also certain activities such as a job, career, education, etc.

The ultimate goal? To get their prey to “willingly” participate in their own abuse and exploitation, and serve at the narcissist’s pleasure in a slavish and subservient manner.

In the process, they also con others to wittingly or unwittingly collude and serve as accomplices.

The label of narcissist is best reserved for those that meet the diagnostic criteria. It refers to a serious thought disturbance, a character disorder that consists of a set of behaviors that meet the DSM criteria for either narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — or its more extreme expression, antisocial personality disorder (APD), also known as psychopathology or sociopathology.

Notably, what makes these two disorders distinct from others listed in the DSM is that:

NPDs and APDs pose risks of (intentional) harm to others’ physical, mental and, or emotional well being, ranging on a scale from low to high, respectively.

There are other overarching reasons to consider before using the label. Namely that, whereas most NPDs and nearly all APDs are male, the most frequent misapplication of the label of narcissist is to women.

This should give us pause before using the label on women in particular. There are other reasons why women are often mislabeled narcissists. To be continued in Part 2.

**Note to readers:

This blog is not saying female narcissists do not exist. They do. They are far fewer in number; and this fact, in the opinion of this author, has nothing to do with biological gender differences — and mostly to do with how men and women are socialized. Overall, women continue to be socialized from girlhood into adapting codependency or empath ideals (!) for femininity, to prove their worth by selflessly denying own inner needs to serve at the pleasure of men and children in their lives. 

At the same time, men are socialized from boyhood to conform to narcissistic ideals for masculinity in order to prove their worth, to openly prove they reject human traits of empathy and caring about human feelings as weaknesses. This is fact, not opinion.

This socialization varies mostly in degree of pressure to conform. In cults and families organized to rigidly adhere to authoritarian relations, conformity to toxic ideals for femininity and masculinity is greater. The evidence for this is well documented in the last five decades, as is the enduring, traumatic effects of childhood experiencing and, or  witnessing violence and subjugation of those members identified as “weak” by those identified as “superior.”

With regard to female narcissists, more studies are needed. Like their male counterparts, in this author’s observation in working with NPDs and APDs over the last five years, female narcissists appear to identify and adopt to ideals for toxic masculinity. Also on topic of female narcissists, this therapist has noted overall differences; mostly with regard to emphasis and value placed on relationships, however, more research is necessary in this area.


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4 Steps to Amp Up the Synergy of Heart-Power in Your Relationship Sun, 28 Apr 2019 16:23:30 +0000 couples in the light photo
Words are powerful. They activate emotion states, or neurotransmitters. This means words have the power, to the extent they activate your imagination, one of the most powerful capacities,

couples in the light photo
Words are powerful. They activate emotion states, or neurotransmitters. This means words have the power, to the extent they activate your imagination, one of the most powerful capacities, to shape your life and relationships.

When it comes to persons we cherish, for example, the power of words can be used to either build or tear down.

If you understand power as a perception, and your words as pure emotion-activating power that, accordingly, manipulate perceptions of yourself and in your mind, you realize that, at any given moment, you always have a choice to empower your heart and your partner’s to synergistic action, or not.

And so does your partner.

This choice is an option to take your mind, emotions and body in one of two directions, overall fear or love, depending on what part of the autonomic nervous system they switch on, parasympathetic or sympathetic.

When you realize you always have a choice to emote words or actions that “move” you (and your partner) to action primarily from emotions of fear — or love — then you understand pure power is always a choice, and breath away for each.

The power of inspiring one another’s heart is much more likely to get the love you want in your relationship.

Here are four steps to amp up the synergy of heart-power in your couple relationship:

First, understand fear as an action signal and teacher.

When fear comes up, it’s helpful to think of it as communication from your body or wise self, a call to action. As an action signal, fear is designed to be a teacher. It reminds you to pause and reflect, to clarify and connect inside, to better understand your needs, yearnings, wants, lessons from past experiences, and more.

In a couple relationship, the capacity of each partner to regulate own fear is prerequisite to being present to know and understand the other.

Fear is an opportunity to listen and tune in more closely. It may be a call to take a seemingly small action, such as to become aware of your self-talk, emotions, physical sensations and actions; and how these are designed to work together. Whether conscious and subconscious, thoughts have the power to activate or block emotions and actions accordingly. The intensity you feel depends on the level of fear — or love — hormones that is released in the bloodstream.

This challenging emotion can be seen as an invitation to explore learned patterns in childhood that once protected you, but no longer serve you. It’s often the case, by the way, that the emotions that most trigger you or your partner are often the same ones that were scary for your parents to handle. Some parents are triggered by emotions of strength, such as anger, autonomy, disappointment, determination, for example, and others by emotions of vulnerability, i.e., hurt, sadness, anxiety, and so on.

Seen this way, fear can guide each partner to know and form a deeper relationship with own inner self, mind and body, heart and brain and gut.

These are highly ingrained patterns, however, so naturally it’s easier said than done. You and your partner learned to enter these places to protect yourselves when you felt fearful or scared as small children. You learned to tell yourselves certain “stories” about these situations. These early interpretations, however, can limit the possibilities for growth and change in later adult relationships.

The impact of parents is enduring; you can either fight this reality; or allow yourself to learn and grow your courage and authentic self. A common pattern in a couple relationship, for example, is that one partner emotionally shuts down when the other partner brings up an issue.

You have a choice to replace this pattern; the path to lasting change is first learning to “get comfortable with what’s uncomfortable” — and upsetting or uncomfortable feelings, even stress and anger, are all rooted in core fears, such as inadequacy, rejection, and so on.

When fear rears its head, the winning argument can be to respond by being present in mind and body, an essential first step to better understand self and other, to empathize, validate one other’s feelings and wants, and so on. Because the arguments we form internally, when fear shows up, are often riddled with inconsistencies, the best “argument” is to practice being present to your own fear, asking for a moment of silence when needed, going within to better understand self as a means of better understanding the other.

No argument is more powerful than offering one another a caring presence. It is also the most powerful way to support yourself, or your partner to become aware of, possibly let go of, a fear-triggering argument that no longer serves you.

Second, resolve to never let fear take over your imagination.

When issues surface, whether big or small, you need your wise-self in charge of your thoughts and words, feelings and actions. Otherwise, fear can take over by automatically switching on the survival response of the autonomic nervous system (in which case, the thinking part of the brain, or frontal cortex, goes offline).

You know when fear is in charge of your mind and body because it feels like you’re in a rabbit hole where everything seems dark, and the world unfriendly, scary. This survival-love fear makes you believe, for example, that you are powerless, that your “resources are limited” or that your partner is an enemy and you’d “better get first before they get you” and so on.

Fear-based energy, rooted in limiting beliefs, is a power that can lead you and your partner to say and do things that are not in the interest of your relationship and one another.

Rather than shrink from the discomfort or pain of fear, opt to transform fear to powerful energy that moves you to shift away from reactivity toward mindful choices. Invite your partner to do the same! It will take both of you working together. The winning argument here is an act of courage; hard work. If you normally do not stand up for yourself to state your bottom line, do so, for example, tell your partner to talk to you as if you’re someone they love (regardless whether they are upset).

New actions, consciously taken, that go opposite old emotion-states of fear are what transform fears to assets. This process supports your growth as individuals and a couple.

Keep in mind however that you’re internal self talk and early experiences has trained subconscious mind to believe you absolutely need certain defense strategies to physically survive! (Because you did early in life!) Your subconscious will require much evidence and work on your part before it is fully persuaded to change or let go of old behaviors or beliefs that once served and protected you, kept you alive.

If you’re serious about making changes, you need to build a relationship with your subconscious mind. It’s in charge of forming and changing habits, and in charge of your drives to survive and thrive.

It’s worthwhile, but not easy to balance giving each other mutual love offerings of understanding, to support both to attain what you each most want or need. It will challenge you to take the reins of your imagination. And this requires consistent effort.

Holding the reins of your imagination is pure power. It will involve unlearning old thought patterns by shifting to new empowering ones. This is leverage you need to make lasting change. You shift to seeing the world as a miraculous place of wonder, inspiration and infinite possibilities, and energize compassion for your partner and your self. The sky is the limit.

And the real reason you work hard to form a collaborative relationship with your self and one another is not just to make you stronger, better, smarter, happier as individuals and together. It is because it takes two to tango! It’s not cliche. A vibrant relationship is impossible for one partner to achieve without the other.

Third, shift away from bullying to inspiring partnership and teamwork.

Building a healthy relationship with another human being is a complex endeavor! It is a balancing act of sorts in which partners choose to grow and learn, and in the process of strengthening their relationships, get to know self and other better along the way.

In order for each to speak their truth in an argument, each must retain their own sense of personal power, and agency.

Partners tend to repeat mistakes their parents made by using the same tactics their parents used to influence one another, you and your siblings.

For example, when fear shows up, they may resort to:

  • Force, bullying, making the other feel bad (rather than inspire or engage cooperation and teamwork as valued partners).
  • Punitive tactics to obtain silence and obedience (rather than seek to mutually understand, inspire, grow and work as a team).
  • Gaslighting to reinforce subservience to one-sided entitlements (rather than encourage agency in both self and other).
  • Emotional-taboo shaming, guilting, etc., to suppress emotions of vulnerability for men, and emotions of strength for women (rather than open, connected, wholehearted expression).

Our culture trains us by parenting practices used in childhood to employ tactics of shame, intimidation and guilt to get obedience without questioning. We’ve come a long way perhaps, yet men are still overall expected to dominate, and women to be selfless in the care of others, not themselves.

These cultural beliefs come with high costs to a couple relationship. They socialize men and women, respectively, to get stuck in the toxic, yet “complimentary” dynamics of narcissism-codependency.  This “dance” sets partners up to experience increasingly high levels of fear, and toxicity from unrealistic fantasies and expectations. It often leads both partners to feel like failures, unfilled, unhappy and, or unloved.

The weakest arguments are ones that fuel fears to toxic levels, and take the form of contests, debates, competitions that divide and dehumanize human beings. They can also escalate into hostile attacks and hatreds, threatening the life of others.

No winning solution is possible, when the personal agency and yearnings of one person are sacrificed for the other.

No matter how logical an argument, if one partner comes to feel they are getting the short end of the stick, or being asked to act against their own behalf, both will lose with high costs to their relationship.

To mediate differences, for example, partners need to understand that, regardless what the problem is, the use of blame, belittling, character attacks, and so on, are damaging, at best counterproductive. Anything that blocks access to your or the other’s heart and mind always is!! (Unless there is an imminent physical threat, i.e., a real lion or tiger around!)

Trying to aim for a target goal with punitive tactics is like aiming an arrow at the air. Be aware also that complaining and arguing can be addictive, a habitual way of relating to the world. Resolve to do your part to disallow this toxicity.

It’s okay. It may not be easy, however, human beings have powerful inner resources to handle and grow from these experiences. It’s how we learn. No growth occurs without pain, discomfort.

Getting comfortable with what expands our capacity to love self and the other is the path to vibrant relationships.

Regardless of gender or age, or any other variable for that matter, all human beings need to feel they matter, valued and loved. Each partner yearns to feel heard, understood and validated, to know they can trust the other to treat them with dignity and thoughtfulness regardless whether they may feel triggered.

Partners greatest need in this process, however, is to learn to give this love and support to themselves. It won’t work to depend and fault the other when we do not feel happy. Partners need to reject the socialization that leads them to look for happiness and worth in the eyes or attention or “love” of another. Infants and small children depend on this to survive. As adults, partners need to let go of childhood expectations.

The real winning argument here is an offering of mutual understanding of one another’s wants and yearnings, dreams and aspirations. It is a presence of love that is expressed first and foremost by conscious actions that convey a partner’s intentions, at any given moment, to treat both self and the other with dignity, thoughtfulness, and to remain an assuring presence that promotes a sense of safety, trust and mutual support.

Four, set an intention for conscious actions to consciously follow your bliss.

The universe loves the synergy of partnerships. One partner plus one partner working together equates to far better outcomes than two individuals apart.

For partners to really win at the game of love and relationships, and energize the synergy of heart power, it’s a continual journey of growing and learning, and building wisdom and compassion for self and the other. That sounds like work! And work can be a turn off.

Yet you and your partner are wired to feel happy about yourself and like, regardless what is imperfect or not working well around you!

Research shows that happy persons make two lifestyle choices. First, a decision to protect and feel happy overall regardless what is going on around them. And, second, a practice gratitude that keeps them feeling good and thankful even as they aspire for changes and improvements, or higher goals.

These two practices, in short, keep them following their bliss. Wittingly or not, they’ve learned to protect themselves from unhelpful levels of elevated fear, which not only harms physical and emotional health, it also shuts down the reflective thinking processes of our brains, thus the ability for making optimal choice, and so on.

As partners, clarify and share a vision that inspires you both to grow heart-power synergy in your relationship. Brainstorm conscious ways you each take action, some small steps, if only a smile, to reinforce the positive direction you yearn to take or goal to realize.

Happy partners are happy individuals, period. They realize that, to really win, you must support your partner to also win and have what they want and need. In other words, they have more opportunities to feel good because they also feel good about their partner feeling happy.

By the way, this doesn’t mean you always get what you want or need from the other. That’s not realistic or healthy; it’s a formula for getting stuck waiting for all the stars to align before allowing self to feel happy and grateful. Life does not work that way.

What it does mean is that, regardless of what is not working, you both can amp down the focus on “problems” and simultaneously, amp up the focus on your bliss, and making solutions of love — believing and confidence, enthusiasm and tenderness, compassion and gratitude — be part of problem solving.


Photo by Braiu

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5 Ways to Know If His Love is “Real” or Narcissistic-Illusion Wed, 24 Apr 2019 13:59:32 +0000 butterfly photo

Love is an ongoing process of living deeply,, unquestionably the most profound of all human experiences that brings meaning to our lives. A couple relationship is a unique balancing act,

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Love is an ongoing process of living deeply,, unquestionably the most profound of all human experiences that brings meaning to our lives. A couple relationship is a unique balancing act, in which two separate beings agree to engage their power, as partners, ideally to mindfully grow the capacity of each to love and recognize, honor and nurture the presence of both self and the other — as both are works of works of art in the making.

When we feel genuine love for another, we yearn to see and know who they are and may become; simarly, we also yearn to be seen and known by the other. Love is a two way street. A tango; requiring two. A couple relationship can only strengthened, made vibrant when both partners tend to their part, to nurture own and other’s growth and wellbeing.

A narcissist refuses, rejects, disdains such endeavors, indeed, feels scorn for persons that do.

This makes them not capable of love, at least not human love. A narcissist self-identifies by their refusal to engage or do “real” things that grow and nurture emotional intimacy, tender exchanges, mutual empowerment.

Never go by the words he speaks. Note the lies and inconsistensies, as well as the characteristic outcomes they methodically act to produce.

Narcissism is a love deficit, a mind and body state of existence that a narcissist has been tricked to believe somehow — not engaging or feeling inner human processes — proves he is superior, with entitlements over others.

In his mind, people are objects to either manipulate or be manipulated by. As a result, his behaviors are mostly driven by the “get them before they get you” mindset he holds, which keeps him on guard (to zealously protect his ‘perceived” power and status regardless the costs to others).

What a narcissist means when they say “I love you” differs dramatically from what we expect from human beings, however imperfect, are wired to have inner yearnings to love and be loved, connect whole heartedly. It’s how humans derive meaning in life.

“Love” to a narcissist is about objects and sex and power. Love to a narcissist is also about hoarding pleasure and inflicting pain to stay in control. He relishes orchestrating chaos and keeping pursue-withdraw conflict alive in relationships. He strategizes to separate his victims to that they have no contact between family members; and covert narcissists in particular, are highly skilled at hiding and shifting blame onto those they prey on. They train both their victims and accomplices alike to collude with them.

Not wanting to see or believe or even consider this reality — that a narcissist is not capable of genuine love exchanges — is the main factor that keeps women stuck in toxic relationships.

So is it love? Or narcissistic illusion?

There are at least 5 ways to know. Today’s post is in the form of poetry!

If His Love Were Real — And Not Narcissism

If his love were real,
It would make him happy, 
To tune in to what makes you happy,
To what you want, need, and love,
As it makes you happy to do for him.
It’s not love, if he gaslights; to twist
Your words into hellish conversations,
To make you question your sanity.
If his love were true,
It would be a priority for him,
To treat you, your words and voice,
As a valued presence, seen and heard,
Just the way it’s a priority for you.
It’s not love if he gaslights; to train 
You to deny your wants, needs, self, reality,
As if only he, his needs need be visible. 
If his love were sincere,
It would be an honor, not a competition,
To collaborate as partners,
To do his part to build a life, change and grow together,
As you do your part.
It’s not love if he gaslights; to make 
You feel bad, absolve him of responsibility,
And believe the lies, excuses, illusions.
If his love were authentic,
It would make him smile,
To see you feeling good, confident, happy, 
Secure about your self and life,
As you feel about him..
It’s not love if he gaslights; to triangulate 
You with others, get you off balance, question your worth and value, 
So you work even harder to earn his approval, attention.
If his love were genuine,
It would make him happy to know,
You are loved, supported, admired,
Appreciated by your family, children, friends,
As you feel happy to know he is.
It’s not love if he gaslights; to cause chaos, make 
Others’ doubt your sanity and character; and at same time get you
You to question and doubt the love of your family, friend’s.

]]> 0 7 Child Predator Patterns for #MeToo to Consider By Using “The Tale” As a Case Study Wed, 27 Mar 2019 20:07:16 +0000 predators photo

In an Emmy-nominated film, The Tale, award-winning filmmaker Jennifer Fox presents her own #MeToo story of being groomed and sexually abused at age 13 by her athletic coach.

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The film tastefully reveals exposes the painful process Fox experienced, as an adult, forced by circumstances to reassess her abuse as a child, and the many challenges she faced that allowed her to back her mind and sense of self and reality. Prompted by a supportive mother that suspected abuse all along, Fox faced her denial. Freeing herself, no longer an extension of her abuser, she gained a new awareness and understanding of the extent of her abuse, and how the sexual predator both encouraged and warned her to keep the abuse secret, thus, suppress and deny the horror of her experience for decades.

The Tale raises tough yet necessary questions about widespread practices and cultural factors that continue to legitimize sexual assault and violence against the vulnerable, leaving boys and girls exposed to increasingly more dangerous, organized and sophisticated targeting of children.

The #MeTooMovement has given voice to many sexual assault survivors, confidence to courageously tell their stories in ways that continue to make a difference in the lives of millions of women and girls, and an increasing number of men and boys as well.

In order to effect lasting change however, it’s time now to focus and place greater emphasis on studying the disordered persons who assault vulnerable populations — and on the disorder itself, namely malignant narcissism or psychopathology, or antisocial personality disorder (APD) in the DSM. An APD holds a criminal mind, posing risk of harm to others.

The Movement also needs to invite action nationwide to study, better understand, and emphasize the mind-crippling effects of narcissistic abuse, a complex set of PTSD-type symptoms that some are labeling “narcissistic abuse syndrome” (previously known as Stockholm Syndrome). One thing is certain: survivors of narcissistic abuse often need others to support and advocate on their behalf, in particular, where the mind-crippling abuse they experience has literally stolen their ability to advocate for themselves.

With regard to behavior patterns of sexual predators, there are at least seven things the #MeToo Movement needs to keep at the forefront in shaping actions toward effectively ending predatory behaviors and narcissistic abuse.

1. Sexual predators intend to abuse and exploit “the weak” and vulnerable.

In producing this film, Fox stated her goal was to show the horror of child sexual abuse from the perspective of a child. In doing so, however, she also provides valuable insight into the pathology and narcissistic extremes of antisocial personality disordered persons, that is, how persons with a criminal operate with methodical intent, having no moral compass, apart from a perverse neediness, a pathological compulsion, to abuse and exploit those they most detest and feel scorn for inside — the vulnerable, the weak.

2. Sexual predators, as APDs, link personal power to violating the vulnerable.

Sexual predators share a key trait with domestic violence offenders, rapists, mass shooters, and so on. They all identify and link their sense of power, deriving sadistic pleasure from violating others rights, abusing and exploiting them. As repeat offenders, sexual predators meet the criteria for malignant narcissism or antisocial personality disorder (APD), psychopathology, or sociopathology. APDs view abuse as both an entitlement and proof of their rightful dominance over those who show any signs of weakness. They pride themselves in showing no remorse. They too are in denial; now predators, they too were likely victims of child sexual abuse.

Sexual predators are not born however; child abuse patterns are repeated from one generation to the next. To prevent the abuse and exploitation and trafficking of children, government must be held responsible to put in place an action plan to combat the crime on a nationwide scale. Unlike other mental disorders, the severity of this thought disturbance poses risks of harm to others. Its enduring nature also mandates years of sustained therapy.

3. Sexual predators are con artists and masters of disguise.

The sadistic pleasure a predator derives from a conquest, though sexual in nature, is not about sex. Sexual predators are con artists and masters of disguise. They seek to subjugate and remove a victim’s sense of self and agency. It is about the power to con, subvert the will of another, gaslighting them with lies and illusions, ultimately, to get a victim to not only deny they’re being abused, but also to collude and “willingly” participate in their own exploitation and abuse.

(By the way gaslighting is a set of thought control tactics that is based on scientific knowledge of human behavior. Notably, it works by tearing down another’s sense of self, agency and truth, and their ability to defend and protect themselves, to instill a specific set of demoralizing lies and illusions, repetitively delivered. This fear-based thought control trains a person to silence and disown the validity of their own human wants, needs and other inner impulses, and to idolize and serve their abuser’s needs at their own expense.)

Fox recounts what happened to her younger self, and how she gradually came to terms with the realization that she was despicably abused and used by her abuser, but also that he had conned her to deceptively idealize the abuse as something “so beautiful” between them. The romanticized notions women and girls are raised to believe leaves countless girls and women vulnerable to denial of their own abuse. (The Tale’s website includes resources and discussion guides for parents, young adults, educators, and men.)

4. Sexual predators employ tactics to cripple the mind of prey to “willingly” submit to abuse. 

“The Tale” gives us a look inside the overwhelmingly common responses in women’s and men’s stories of sexual abuse, and how often children have no frame of reference to mistrust those who appear as idols and heroes. The film tells a story of an innocent child systematically manipulated with lies and illusions, to doubt her self, physical sensations and common sense, slowly and repeatedly, with intent to delegitimize and destabilize the child’s sense of self and autonomy, all the while, disarming the child to idolize her abuser. He used “love bombing” to disarm her to totally trust and depend on him, to believe she had something “beautiful” with him, to deny her own abuse, to make her “think” her abuse was exercising freedom to participate in romantically idealized love.

Think Stockholm Syndrome here. Survivors of mind-crippling narcissistic abuse often require others to advocate on their behalf. Literally, their ability to speak on their behalf, to defend and protect themselves, to describe their abuse in detail, and so on, has been totally twisted 180 degrees. Often they instead may fervently defend and protect their abuser! This is a direct outcome of the narcissistic abuse they’ve experienced.  have been brainwashed to defend and protect their abuser from harm. The use of sophisticated thought control tactics on civilians needs to be regarded as criminal.

5. Sexual predators reject and regard traits of empathy and caring with disgust.

The film brilliantly captures both the ugliness of a psychopath’s predatory behaviors, and the denial of the sexual abuse from the eyes of an innocent child. It reveals how the human mind and body can be deceived to deny the pain, and reject the possibility that someone who says they love us is instead abusing and exploiting us to serve their perverted fantasies. In effect, what makes a child (or adult) most vulnerable is feeling human feelings for narcissists and psychopaths. Why? Because of how extremely the scales are tipped. One person is human and responds with feeling the pain and wants and needs of another. The other person however is an APD, which means they exist in a dehumanized state of mind and body; they feel disgust for vulnerable human traits, and only “act as if” as part of their “bait and switch” schemes.  APDs do not see or treat those they regard as weak and inferior as “human”; they are objects, slaves, toys, etc.

What is useful to #MeToo supporters here is understanding why it is both unrealistic and futile to set a goal of “getting” abusers to stop abusing others on the basis of “understanding how much they hurt” their victims! From their disturbed mindset, an APDs derives pleasure and sense of personal power in violating others, exhibiting no remorse, building them up only to let them down, and so on. The profile of a sexual predator is disturbed, and disturbing. In their view, they reject showing remorse, caring and empathy, etc., as traits of “the weak”; they take pride in exhibiting no remorse and feel entitled to hurt others with impunity.

6. Sexual predators have “accomplices” — often past victims — to collude in the abuse of others.

In the film, a woman that the sexual predator once abused as a child, now discarded, makes it possible for the coach to gain trust and access to Fox as a young girl. Sexual predators tend to stay connected to past victims they groomed to serve at their pleasure. There is a name for the predatory pattern — hoovering. One reason, among several, narcissists and APDs use hoovering is to engage someone they once abused and discarded, as an accomplice to get access to other targets. Predators expect loyalty and continued service, and the brains of past victims have been trained to go along, prove their loyalty and service, hoping to gain favor again.

It’s vital to understand that predators study and use highly sophisticated methods of thought control, some do so with military training, others were exposed to these methods as children who witnessed domestic violence. They are scientifically proven methods of effectively messing with the minds of others, intentionally, to undermine their sense of stability and sanity, to exploit them to work on behalf of the predator’s interests and gain, and against their own interests and wellbeing.

7. Abusers seek to isolate victims and turn them against others who are their support systems

Pathological abusers use an array of tactics to isolate their victims by getting them to turn against their loved ones, parents and families and friends, those who genuinely love and support them. In making the film, Fox notes it is first and foremost a story about denial of herself. Fox’s denial as a child continued well into adulthood. For many years, she denied and excused the abuse she experienced as a child, which set the stage for the abuse to reoccur. It also protected her abuser’s culpability.

As part of her abuse, she was groomed to mistrust her parents, her mother in particular, as someone that was not allowing her to have freedom to do what her abuser wanted her to do. In the film, we can see how Fox’s coach groomed her to keep the abuse secret, as something “beautiful” her parents were not capable of understanding. We see her repetitive denial, again as an adult, in reaction to her mother’s attempts to get her to open her mind to the possibility that she had abused, duped, exploited by her coach.


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5 Reasons Violence and Narcissism Are Not Gender Neutral Thu, 28 Feb 2019 22:51:57 +0000

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Despite misinformation campaigns with political agendas, and an increasing number of Hollywood movies and TV series over the years, in which gorgeous actresses star in roles portraying women as sadistic,


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Despite misinformation campaigns with political agendas, and an increasing number of Hollywood movies and TV series over the years, in which gorgeous actresses star in roles portraying women as sadistic, conniving, ruthless killers, decades of research continue to reveal: heartless acts of violence are not gender neutral.

Neither is narcissism**, a set of behaviors associated with callous acts and heartlessness.

It’s vital for men and women alike to understand the cultural forces that promote and legitimize violence as a means of establishing dominance and status in social relationships. This is a prerequisite to neutralizing the strategies that pit men and women against each other. It’s also a prerequisite to forming relations based on common sense and mutual understanding, and to work together side by side, deliberately and consciously, to create a more humane, enriching and safe world for children and adults.


At least five reasons:

1. Most abusers are male.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. This means a woman is most at risk of being harmed by the man she most loves (or thinks loves her). In 95% of reported domestic violence cases, men are abusing women; and in 5%, women are abusing men.

These statistics should not surprise us, given a cultural milieu in which male use of violence to establish power and entitlements (at minimum emotional violence or narcissistic abuse), continues to have widespread legitimacy. Furthermore, tactics such as gaslighting can render the violence of a narcissist, and the narcissistic abuse of a victim, nearly invisible to the untrained eye. (This is especially true in cases of covert narcissism.)

In many cases where police report incidents of female-to-male violence, it is not domestic violence per se, and rather a physical altercation (which are reported by more than 50% of couples to sporadically occur). According to experts in the field, domestic violence involves systematic campaigns of terror by a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” type abuser that employs systematic use of tactics of violence, to include verbal and emotional assaults, with intent to tear down, demoralize the sense of self and agency of another, to subvert their will, enforce control, exploit with impunity.

Of course, any violence is wrongful. The point of this discussion is to reveal what is hidden from view, that: violence is not gender neutral.

Men and boys, by the way, are also victims of violence and sexual assault,  in greater numbers than we dare to know. In most cases, the abusers are males, family members, friends or acquaintances. (Wittingly or unwittingly, the manner in which domestic violence statistics are reported hides the reality of male against male violence, leading journalists and the public alike to automatically assume a false equivalency.)

From boyhood, a “code of silence” is enforced on boys and men who experience assault (mostly by other men, or older/bigger boys) as a mainstream practice, for example, the practice of bullying or hazing, which are justified as “boys will be boys” behaviors. The same forces that give legitimacy to hazing and bullying for boys and men, however, also legitimize domestic violence and assault against women, and other groups “deemed inferior,” such as “weak” men, gays, children, etc.

2. The crimes committed by APDs are not gender neutral.

Make no mistake. Only one diagnosis in the DSM fits like a glove when it comes to violence as a display of dominance and rightful entitlements to status.

Domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, mass shootings, pedophilia, among other acts of violence are not gender neutral. They are displays of power to establish dominance over another, and thus, rights to entitlements to treat and exploit another with impunity.

And criminal patterns meet the criteria for antisocial personality disorder, or APD, on a spectrum, a more extreme manifestation of narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD.

An APD is energized by psychopathology of hatred for a certain person or a group of persons they deem weak and inferior. Acts of hate and scorn are like a drug; they crave to humiliate or hurt others to gain a quick-fix, fleeting false-sense of false-power. Their craving leaves them fragile, feeling powerless, desperately looking for the next fix.

For this reason, to truly understand the disordered the thought patterns that drive NPDs and APDs to intentionally act in ways that physically and, or mentally-emotionally torment another human being, it is critical to explore the contexts that condition men from boyhood to highly value and link status to these behavior patterns.

3. Male violence against women (“weak” men) is driven by misogyny.

Violent acts are not biologically driven. Beliefs drive behaviors. And abusers hold misogynist beliefs aligned with norms for “toxic masculinity.” In effect, these norms specifically link traits of male dominance and superiority and strength and status with: (1) displays of violence to prove dominance, (2) no remorse for inflicting pain to prove might and strength, and (3) callous disregard for “weak” others to prove disregard for others.

The set of behaviors linked to NPD and APD behaviors are directly promoted, indeed highly valued, in contexts and institutions that emphasize and live by an androcratic shame- and fear-based belief system, or “the cult of masculinity.

4. Female narcissists also identify with toxic norms for masculinity.

Yes, there are female narcissists. In cases where females meet the criteria for female narcissism, the same belief system drives the behavior pattern. Female narcissists, like their male counterparts, operate and identify with the same toxic norms for masculinity, albeit in distinct ways, using violence and narcissistic abuse to enforce authority and dominance, and the “entitlements” associated with “male” status (to mistreat with impunity).

With that said, based on a 2016 meta-analysis in the Psychological Bulletin that examined three decades of data from narcissism research, there are differences between male and female narcissists. Both display vanity and self-absorption equally, however, the biggest gap is that males are more likely to feel entitled to certain benefits and exploit people.

The gender differences can be attributed to the socialization of men and women in traditional roles that idealize “toxic masculinity” for men, and “codependency” for women.

Notably, both male and female narcissists are likely to have experienced childhood trauma of, at minimum, witnessing domestic violence and assault, and or narcissistic abuse, that is, intentional misogynist treatment of women and those deemed “weak” to get and keep them in line with cult norms (master and slave relations).

5. Many women labeled narcissists do not meet the criteria.

Yes, there are females that meet the criteria for narcissism. They are far fewer in number, however. In many cases, they are more often accomplices of narcissists, often in roles of mother, but also spouse or girlfriend.

In other cases, they are victims of a smear campaign by an NPD or APD partner. Narcissists strategize to isolate and smear their victims, especially if they are critics, They also know how to provoke a female partner to set them up in public.

Most are mislabeled based on misinformation, and a considerable amount of confusion on who is or isn’t a narcissist! Why?

In large part, wittingly or unwittingly, a large part of the confusion is related to the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, or NPI, itself!

According to one Handbook on Narcissism, for example, the NPI does not measure the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder at all! It rather confounds narcissism, stirring up the confusion.

The authors themselves note that the inventory is not an assessment of NPD. And a glance at the items on the inventory itself will speak for itself.

And yet it remains the only instrument available for use by researchers and others!

According to the authors, Robert Raskin, and Calvin Hall, this inventory was developed in 1979:

 “Solely to measure “subclinical” or “normal expressions of narcissism”; more specifically the inventory sought to measure “personality” traits of “how assertive, confident, daring, adventurous, and achievement- or success-oriented one is — aiding social psychological research on the personality trait of narcissism as “excessive self-love.”

Coincidentally or not, these so-called “normal expressions” of narcissism that the NPI measures, such as assertiveness, confidence, daring, achievement or success-orientation, were just prior to the 1970s regarded exclusively “normal” only for men! Whereas women who expressed these traits were pathologized as “manly” or even diagnosed with “penis envy”; for example, Freud diagnosed his own daughter, Anna Freud, a brilliant and enthusiastic psychological theorist.

Meanwhile, in the same period, the traits of “excessive self-love” and “vanity” and “self-absorption with looks and appearance” and the like, were commonly regarded as somewhat distasteful yet “normal” for the female sex, never “real” men.

Knowingly or not, the NPI has made it easier for NPDs and APDs to hide, and to blame-shift the label of “narcissism” onto their victims, act as trolls on the internet, and so on.

Practitioners must rely on the criteria provided in the DSM to diagnose disorders, as they do with most other disorders. In this case, a narcissist makes it easy, for the trained practitioner; narcissists self-identify in counseling.

Even if a self-inventory were developed, considering the traits of a narcissist or sociopath, and their skill in lies and illusions, it would be a futile effort.

Essentially, there is no measure for narcissism! To be fair, even if there were, it cannot be a self-measure by virtue of the fact that narcissists are pathological liars. The use or development of a self-report instrument would be, well, blatantly counterproductive.

In sum, violence and narcissism are not gender neutral. Practitioners need to be better trained to identify the symptoms, in order to prevent unwitting participation with a narcissist’s abuse and smear campaigns.

And women and men in the #MeToo movement need to factor and focus on identifying abusers and identifying the traits and tactics of NPDs and APDs.

And to work together, to sidestep and avoid the divide and conquer schemes, and to remain aware of the yearnings of every human being, regardless of gender or age, race or religion, to matter and contribute meaningful, and to live and thrive and create a safer and humane world in which to raise the next generation of citizens.

** The terms narcissist or narcissism refer to those individuals that meet the criteria for either narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — or its more extreme version on the spectrum, antisocial personality disorder (APD), which is also known as psychopathology or sociopathology. 

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7 Reasons a Narcissist Engages in Hoovering Mon, 25 Feb 2019 17:19:25 +0000 gifts photoHoovering is a behavior pattern associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and its more extreme manifestation on the spectrum, antisocial personality disorder (APD) or psychopathology.


Narcissists** are known to make contact with one or more past partners, or perhaps all, after a period of separation or when they perceive them as getting on with their life.

What sets hoovering apart from the otherwise “normal” behavior of contacting an old friend are the ruthless intentions.

Here are 7 narcissistic reasons a narcissist engages in hoovering.

1. A narcissist returns because, in their mind, they perceive people as objects and in this case possessions.

To a narcissist, a partner is mere prey, an object serving their pleasure. From this deranged view of human relations, a narcissist regards failure as a threat. To him****, it’s inconceivable to lose control of someone they intentionally trapped with the full range of tactics of narcissistic abuse. He’s back to prove who’s “superior” and who’s “inferior” by re-establishing possession. He returns to display he has control, for example, the power to destabilize another’s life, to con and love-bomb them with lies into believing more fairy tale illusions, once again, merely to let them down, to exploit and use them like punching bags, and so on.

In the mind of a narcissist, a possession is always a possession. Leaving is never an option. Objects don’t leave; they don’t have a mind of their own. They serve the whims of owners. In the case of malignant narcissists (APDs), this explains why leaving them, or demanding they leave, is when they post the greatest danger and risk to others.

2. A narcissist is an addict, and thus always preoccupied with their next fix.

A narcissist views others as objects to exploit for own gain. He hoovers to reengage a tried and true drug-source, heartlessly re-opening a past partner’s old wounds to “re-enable” the supply. To him, a previous partner is nothing more than a place to get a “fix,” and they return when running low in getting fixes, or in times of scarcity — but also, like a juggler, to keep an supply-source spinning and available. Now you may say, why would someone do that? Don’t they have a life? Based on a narcissist’s thought-disordered worldview, using others to get a fix is it, what life and pleasure is all about.

Each fix, to a narcissist, is a victory, one that adds to his false-self sense of superiority. And that is his fix, period. And when he acts and says caring and loving things, it is not love, it is love-bombing, a tactic used as part of the larger strategy, in this case, to disarm and bait the “human” types they prey and look down on with scorn, in order to gain their trust. Remember, they study and know their prey, mostly women. When they love-bomb, they intentionally talk in ways that make women swoon — with an ulterior motive to exploit them. Everything he says and does serves to get the next fix, then the next.

3. A narcissist’s drug of choice is based on violating the rights of others.

Narcissists are chronic abusers. At minimum, emotional and psychological. Like addicts, they intentionally seek to inflict pain or violate their partner’s rights. From this disordered mindset, if a person can be conned and get “hurt,” that makes them weak and stupid — and the narcissist strong and smart. Violating others with no remorse is linked to a rigid belief system that, in varying degrees from boyhood, shames men to display a callous disregard for their partner’s feelings to prove they deserve the status of belonging to the “cult of masculinity.”

To them, superiority and strength are proven on the basis of how heartlessly one can re-capture, deceive and subvert the will and mind of an old partner, for example, to raise their hopes only to dash them, to throw them off course, to prove who’s still got the top dog status by, once again, tearing down a past partner’s sense of self, value, and instill them with shame, doubt, fear, confusion, not to mention rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, and the like. Domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, pedophilia, mass shootings all have one thing in common: they are patterns of behavior displayed by (mostly) men that identify and work 24/7 to enforce the rules for “toxic masculinity.“)

4. A narcissist returns to prove (what he perceives as) “entitlements” to exploit and abuse with impunity.

To a narcissist, a past partner is a sex object he’s entitled to exploit forever. He returns to prove he’s still has the power to both mistreat her as he wishes, and in return expects she treats him as infallible and entitled. And, he is always on guard to protect and maintain a double standard when it comes to entitlements. Gaslighting is his favorite tool to derail the focus of any conversation to serve his goals. He gaslights, and relishes the power this gives him (providing she remains unaware of her truth and his lies) to turn every conversation into a nightmare, and to condition her step by step to silence herself, to never bring up her pain, wants, needs, and to blame herself for his misery.

Based on his belief in male dominance and superiority, he feels entitled to hoard the benefits and pleasures in the relationship. It’s all a con game, and in this case, the art of erecting illusions and implanting false-self images of themselves as having godlike powers, while tearing down their victim’s sense of self and agency, is based on scientifically proven methods of thought-control. All cult leaders by the way, religious and secular, are malignant narcissists, meeting the criteria for narcissism on the extreme spectrum of narcissism, which is antisocial personality disorder (APD) also known as psychopathology. Meanwhile certain romanticized fantasies women are conditioned to believe from childhood make them easy prey for narcissists.

5. A narcissist returns to keep a past partner trapped on an emotional roller coaster, manipulated by lies and illusions, caught in the same patterns of hope-then-let down and powerlessness.

A narcissist can only be understood from their worldview, never yours! He is proud to be known as ruthless, callous toward women’s pain, a fierce competitor vying to hold onto every bit of the power in a relationship, and to render his partner powerless. (A covert narcissist does this in hidden ways, painting himself as a nice, laid back guy, controlled and emasculated by his partner.) He lusts to hate and be hated, and is pleased to no end when he can get his partner to say she hates him, and to act out violently toward him. (Unlike him, she will likely feel bad afterward; this gives him double pleasure, and makes it easier to blame and fault her.) Thus he works to make her feel every bit as miserable, self-loathing, scheming, vying for power, ruthless, unfeeling, detached, and so on, as he is. He works hard to make her fear and hate him.

Though he’d deny it, he fears emotions of vulnerability as signs of weaknesses and inferiority, and works hard to deny, reject, suppress them in himself and other males. These emotions consist of his true-self, at least when he was born. His upbringing that him to fear and reject his true-self! It means his false-self does not exist! He’s been shamed from boyhood, conditioned to train himself to deny and disown any of emotions of tenderness — that would prevent him from displaying “real” man feelings such as no remorse and callousness toward a woman’s pain!

6. A narcissist returns for the sadistic pleasure of hurting the person who tried to love him.  

A narcissist is hooked on deriving pleasure from hurting others, making them feel bad, raising expectations to dash hopes. Call it what it is, narcissistic abuse! This form of abuse consists of intentional acts of harm, to the degree, it causes a set of symptoms, similar to PTSD on the one hand, and Stockholm Syndrome on the other, and a disorder, not yet listed in the DSM, some refer to as: narcissistic abuse syndrome. By rigidly holding fast to this disturbed mindset, narcissists condemn themselves to live a life of misery and self-loathing; and since misery loves company, that means a life of working hard to make others feel like they feel inside: miserable, alone, fragile, guarded, disillusioned, confused, stuck, powerless, etc.

Making those they deem week squirm to please, spin their wheels, etc., is a drug that provides relief — their best friend, like a bottle of whiskey is to an alcoholic. Their drug of choice numbs the pain and misery inside, and like addicts, they vehemently deny any responsibility for their misery. They are addicted to deriving pleasure from making others feel miserable. A sad bunch, they believe the lie that this proves their superiority. (This explains why truth is their biggest enemy, and they fear nothing more than truth and truth-tellers.)

7. A narcissist returns to reinforce the lies he wants his prey to believe about self and him, life and others.

In a narcissist’s view, humans exist in dichotomous and adversarial categories of superior versus inferior, strong versus weak, meant-to-rule versus meant-to-be-ruled, male versus female, white versus nonwhite, and so on. Thus, narcissists return to reinforce the illusions and fantasies they devise to play god. They are active illusionists, on 24/7 so to speak, strategizing to alter and stay in control of how others to think, what they believe, how the world of relationships work, etc.

The narcissist lies about things, big and small. In contrast to “regular” lies that are defensive or protective, most of the lies of a narcissist are offensive in nature. They lie to promote a worldview in which their “false-self” superiority is real, a view that normalizes violence and cruelty as means for “strong” men to maintain dominance over the “weak.” This explains why a narcissist refuses to change! To change is to not exist.  To them, “healing” is talk only the weak engage in. Indeed, their greatest fear is the true-self of self and others — human being! They desperately seek to deny or pathologies human yearnings for intimacy, closeness, collaboration. They need lies because their false-self does not exist in a world of truth about the power of love and creativity, collaboration and human connection!

In conclusion, previous partners beware! A narcissist does not regard a past partner as a human being. Indeed, he feels scorn for human traits and ideals. The identity of a narcissist is married to acts of violating others, and in the process, making themselves seem like the “normal” ones, while smearing their victims or critics to make them appear emotionally crazy or evil.

The belief system he holds drive his actions and the pathological patterns of behavior, the underlying thoughts and physiological feeling states. Identify and get to know the traps they set, the bait they throw, and avoid these like the plague.

What do you need to heal and set yourself free?

To get to a place where your main goal is to so love and respect and honor yourself and life, that your highest goals is to let the narcissist go, refuse to give them any space in your heart, mind and soul — except to thank the Universe for learning from the experience to better love and accept yourself and life!

This may mean working with a trained therapist, do whatever you need to learn and train yourself to take smart-actions to stop feeding the narcissism, and instead nourish and cultivate your authentic self and life.

** The terms narcissist or narcissism refer to those individuals that meet the criteria for either narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or its more extreme version on the spectrum, antisocial personality disorder (APD). 

**** The use of male pronouns is supported by decades of research showing domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, mass shootings, pedophilia, and other acts of violence rooted in establishing power and male dominance (over females and others, i.e., “weak” males), are not gender neutral. See post on 5 Reasons Narcissistic Violence Are Not Gender Neutral.

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15 Goals of Couples Therapy Wed, 30 Jan 2019 20:06:01 +0000 happy couples photoCouples therapy is designed to bring out the best in you and your partner, strengthening the quality of your relationship, as a point of balance, allowing you to deal with issues in ways that support you to grow as individuals and a couple.


An emotionally fulfilling couple relationship is very much within reach, yet involves the willingness of both to stretch, and get to know and see, love and value both self and the other as unique beings, learning one another’s love language so to speak, as a basis for promoting a sense of safety and mutual understanding.

Why is safety critical? We’ve learned a lot about the brain and, as a result, better understand how intimacy works, and what factors increase chances a relationship will succeed versus factors that put the relationship at risk. Feelings of safety and love are literally married to one another by a “love hormone” that is released in the bloodstream, known as oxytocin. In other words, actions that enhance sense of safety and trust, also enhance sense of feeling loved and loving.

Bottom line: when a human being doesn’t feel safe, they do not feel loved or loving; and vice versa.

The emotional bond created by “romantic love” in the first stage, which survives the inevitable “power struggle” of the second, has an excellent chance of nurturing a gratifying lifelong connection.

It takes two to tango however, and this cannot be overstated!

Problems arise when power struggles cause imbalances in which both end up colluding to make one partner feel loved, safe, valued, and so on, at the expense of the other. Most toxicity is a result of fear-activating imbalances. It’s not suppose to be easy to obtain optimal outcomes. That’s why a 100% investment is necessary for each to make a commitment to own the part they plays in acting to keep the relationship strong and vibrant.

A couples relationship however is designed by nature to be a top notch school, a training ground of sorts. It’s where you gain a better understanding of your partner by better understanding yourself! You learn to connect to your inner core emotional strivings, i.e., for love and connection, recognition and meaningful contribution, which shape all human behavior.

Key goals in couples therapy are to:

  1. Deepen knowledge and understanding of yourself, your partner and your relationship.
  2. Structure your communications to allow each to feel safe enough to empathically connect.
  3. Identify one another’s fears and know what each needs to feel safe in the relationship.
  4. Make distinctions between making requests versus demands, sharing versus venting, connecting versus complaining.
  5. Talk together and listen in a way that each feels accepted, validated and understood.
  6. Identify one another’s triggers and defense strategies.
  7. Examine how wounds in childhood effect how each currently relates in your couple relationship.
  8. Identify and replace limiting beliefs or judgments with ones that energize you to co-create a mutually enriching relationship.
  9. Discover and embrace disowned, repressed or rejected parts of yourself that do not allow you to feel safe enough to fully love and honor yourself.
  10. Identify limiting subconscious scripts and beliefs that block communications and cause reactivity and defensiveness.
  11. Find balance between yearnings to be loved versus be accepted and valued as a unique contributer.
  12. Understand what you need to feel loved and clearly articulate that to your partner.
  13. Identify and replace old habits, defenses and coping strategies with enriching ones.
  14. Understand distinctions between healthy versus unhealthy expressions of anger.
  15. Rediscover the romance and the fun in your relationship.

Couples therapy is a proven effective environment to get a couple back on track, out of fear-patterns to love-and-safety ones!

It comes with a warning, however. It is for the courageous and strong, for those invested in their own growth and the other’s.

The process calls each to stretch self—inside. It requires self-study, honest self-reflection, and raw integrity to engage in feeling your feelings, becoming aware of your thoughts, and exploring childhood to discover how old wounds may impact your present potential. No matter how challenging, you both stretch — knowing this is key to harvesting the benefits of your own emotional fulfillment.

And you keep stretching, knowing that, because life is a journey of learning, it’s in your highest benefit.






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3 Romanticized Fantasies That Make Women Easy Prey for Narcissists Wed, 23 Jan 2019 18:39:16 +0000

Fantasy photoIf you’re reading this post, you may be seeking to understand and heal yourself from a present or past experience with a narcissist.**

You should know, one of the biggest hurdles,



You should know, one of the biggest hurdles, in restoring your sense of self and sanity, lies in letting go of certain disbeliefs and fantasies you were socialized to cling onto as a woman.

The narcissist consistently tells you who he is in what he does. Repeatedly.

You, on the other hand, are socialized to deny what your gut feelings are telling you.  He reveals his aims in the heartless actions and treatment of you overall, however — and not his words. Any chaos or inner confusion you feel, doubts and craziness, and the like, all reveal the destination of the train he’s on.

Instead of getting off this train, certain fantasies entice you to see what you want, to believe in his words, the promises, the illusions and the traps he sets. As a result, you’re left spinning your wheels, making excuses for him, trying to reason or get him to understand the extent to which he’s hurting you, then wondering why nothing you do works to make him happy, why he continues to be so miserable, insecure, mistrusting of your love and loyalty, and so on.

It’s the fantasies! Believe your gut. It’s telling you that it was never your job to rescue him from himself, and never will be. It’s his job alone!

(To attempt to save him from his misery is to fall into the trap, where the fantasies allow a narcissist to have a crazy-making effect on you! Hint: It’s not possible to save another person, much less a narcissist. It’s all illusion.)

Your job now is to own your power, as a human being, to heal you, to restore your sense of self, mind and body, heart and soul, and break free.

It is the fantasies, and not just the narcissist, that predisposed you to excuse his wrongs to begin with, to minimize the abuse, and to not hold him responsible for his own arrested emotional development.

He hides in plain sight. And the fantasies make it possible. Narcissists are like Pied Pipers, they well know what tunes to play that effectively lure women into their traps.

Fantasies are lies, by the way. In this case, they are “feel-good” illusions, intentionally misleading. They enable narcissists and psychopaths to gaslight the vulnerable — as well as the strong yet unaware — and to imprison their minds with the use of tactics of fear and confusion, thought patterns of self-doubt and self-blame, even for the wrongful acts of abusers.

Why do their tactics work? Amazing as it is, the human brain is not wired to “explain” and “reason” with gaslighting or other linguistic mind-games and word-plays in general. These are scientifically proven methods of thought control, developed with intent to cause disturbing PTSD-type effects, some refer to as narcissistic abuse syndrome, which shares common ground with Stockholm syndromein, specifically, for the purpose of obtaining conformity and control over another’s mind.

Note however, these tactics mostly work on the unsuspecting and the disarmed. An NPD or APD relies on the fantasies, but also may use “love bombing,” that is, acting and promising to make a woman’s every romantic wish and dream come true, all the while, merely doing so as part of their strategy to build a disarming sense of trust, which allows them to hide in plain sight!

The origin of these fantasies? They stem from gendered norms. It’s impossible, in my opinion, to understand the disorders of narcissism and psychopathology unless we examine the direct links between social ideals for “masculinity” that, in certain early childhood contexts, legitimize violence as a necessary “means” for establishing male dominance.

Overall the values for toxic masculinity fit like a glove with the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (or NPD), and even more so with its more extreme manifestation, antisocial personality disorder (or APD; also known as socio- or psycho-pathology). .

Overall women are socialized to romanticize male dominance, leaving them overall susceptible to codependency, whereas men are socialized to eroticize proof of male superiority and entitlements to exploit and subjugate the weak, and thus susceptible to narcissism or toxic masculinity. Even in cases where NPDs are women, though comparatively few in number, nevertheless, these women self-identify with those entitled to abuse and violate, and a belief system that values the traits associated with masculinity, while scorning the traits associated with women

As Terry Crews noted in his memoir, Manhood, his early experiences taught him to not take women seriously, to regard them as not fully human, rather objects for the pleasure and comfort of men. His father made domestic violence against his mother seem normal. From boyhood, the men around him groomed him to lie, abuse and exploit women and “the weak and “inferior” in general, and to do so, feeling entitled to impunity as one of the side benefits.

The links between psychopathology and toxic masculinity are real, and vital to understand. In a ground breaking study, titled Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence, celebrated Swiss psychologist Alice Miller concludes the following from her research into the connection of psychopathology and the harsh parenting practices, in particular with boys, that prevailed in the decades leading to the Nazi Germany:


In different ways, these gendered fantasies promote notions of codependency for women and narcissism for men, giving legitimacy to violence as a means to maintain hierarchical relations between those arbitrarily deemed strong and superior versus weak and inferior, and thus, potentially, most social problems of violence in our society — all waiting to be solved, one child, parent, couple and family at a time.

These fantasies also form the basis for cults, both secular and religious, which organize to lure unsuspecting women, men and children, into traps of participating in their own inhumane enslavement, abuse and exploitation.

To disentangle yourself from a narcissist’s traps, a key first step is to identify and understand the fantasies that can make even strong women easy prey for narcissists.

There are at least 3 fantasies:

Fantasy 1: A woman has to prove she is “a good woman” by promoting sexism and misogyny as norms — otherwise she’s evil and dangerous.

There’s no black and white for a woman. She either works as an accomplice against her own gender to be declared a “good woman” or she’s declared “evil” and dangerous to men, thus society. A “good” woman is always supposed to: (1) be nice, selfless, never threatening to the “entitled” partner’s right to deferential treatment; (2) refrain from making demands or requests that ask men to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable or threatens their manliness; (3) do her part to keep other women in their place, as she does herself; (4) condone the use of violence, physical and, or emotional, as necessary, to maintain the supposed “morality” of the status quo; (5) act as an accomplice to silence and, or smear women who complain of abuse, rape, assault, unjust treatment etc.; (6) accept the notion that a woman’s wants and needs have little or no significance in comparison to a man’s; (7) indoctrinate the young to give precedence to the needs and wants and comforts of the “entitled”; (8) regard enforcing the “morality” of male dominance and superiority as a mission that “rescues” society from evil. And so on.

In other words, a “good” woman serves as an accomplice to maintain a social order that values male supremacy, privilege and dominance. She is approved and rewarded if she “sacrifices” her self and wellbeing, meaning she accepts the double standard treatment, that treats her as if she is not fully human, as if she’s a mere extension of “entitled” others, and as if it’s only normal for her to men to feel and “think highly of themselves,” never women, and so on.

This fantasy forms the basic belief system of every cult, where the highest crime is disobedience of the “non-entitled” group to the “entitled” group. And  whether the cult is religious or secular, based on this fantasy, all cults claim that male dominance either biologically-determined or god-ordained.

In contrast, a non-conforming woman is regarded as “evil” and dangerous, at best “emotionally crazy” and “wild” or out of control. In contrast to “good” women, they have no approval, are accused of being controlling or emasculating when they stand up for themselves or speak their mind, and refuse to stop believing all human beings, male and female, yearn to be treated with dignity, to express their feelings, wants and needs, and to make requests, without being accused of being selfish, demanding, controlling, rebellious or threatening to men and masculinity.

The truth about this fantasy!? This fantasy is a hook. Like a drug, it lures unsuspecting women into participating in their own abusive, inhumane treatment; simultaneously they are enticed to “feel good” about denying their own wants and needs, and “sacrificing” themselves to make others happy, as proof of a “good” woman’s unconditional love to others. Contributing to others is one of the most rewarding and meaningful of all human endeavors! It should not surprise us that women get hooked on codependency, refusing to let go of the responsibility they’ve learned to give themselves, deep down, for taking care of others’ pain. This explains why a narcissist plays victim; nothing makes a woman fall back faster into their traps.

This fantasy also reinforces the “boys will be boys” ideology, which emotional arrests the development of boys and men in varying degree. It’s a set up for men and women to fail in their relationship. Men are woefully unprepared to listen for understand when their female partner wants to share her feelings and wants; they’ve learned to perceive this as a threat to masculinity, something women do, not men! This pressures men to lie or gaslight women in order to guard their “masculinity.” One-sided giving, however, is detrimental to both persons in an adult relationship. The narcissist derives pleasure by intentionally depriving his partner of what would life her spirit or make her feel-good about herself; the codependent derives her pleasure by depriving her self, wants and needs to make others happy by her selflessness.

Fantasy 2: A woman’s value accrues to the extent she accepts responsibility for moral conduct in relationships and society. 

Based on this fantasy, it falls on a woman is responsible for making men feel masculine by deferring to men, hiding her strengths, never taking credit, and owning all responsibility for moral conduct.  This fantasy sets up inhumanely “high” standards of conduct for women in couple relationships (or the one deemed “inferior” in same sex couples), and literally anything goes for the conduct of men. 

A woman has value to the extent she uses her power to prop up a man’s ego, never threaten, and minimizing herself to make him feel comfortable and important. She is responsible for passing on these “moral” values to children, and younger women in particular, keeping other women in check. She believes the fantasy that a man only feels manly to the extent the woman hides her voice, strengths, needs, wants and dreams. And a valuable woman surrenders her power to prove she’s not a threat. The only thing she wants is what her man, or men in general, want. 

This belief is really crazy-making. It claims women are dangerous to men in that they can make or break a man’s masculinity. Women and men have to pretend and act and hide from a woman’s intelligence and strengths to keep relationships in tact. It is hate propaganda, conditioning men to think of women’s strength as a threat. It makes no sense. Strong men value human strengths, regardless of gender, age, race, in the same way strong women do. Narcissists cannot handle evidence that disproves their superiority, and that’s an illusion of strength, which hides severe fragility and weakness. For healthy humans, the capabilities of one person enhance and never diminish another’s! This myth objectifies women, teaches both genders to think of women as having no feelings, able to endure all pain and abuse without protesting.

Truth about his fantasy!? This fantasy explains why men get easily addicted to pornography. In pornography, female actors (mostly sex slaves and prostitutes exploited by narcissists and psychopaths) act as if they derive pleasure from being used as sex objects, in many cases, abused and assaulted. Pornography is responsible for spreading the eroticized fantasy for men (lie) that women “find pleasure” in being dominated, abused, mistreated, etc. Regardless the popularity of books such as “Fifty Shades of Grey,” or the fact that it was written by a woman, no healthy human being derives pleasure from being hurt and abused, or hurting and abusing others! Women and men who were traumatized in childhood by neglect, sexual assault, however, do form toxic conclusions about themselves in order to survive. For example, it’s common for a sexually abused child to conclude they are “valued when they are sexual.” This is a symptom of trauma and abuse, and not a reality about women or human beings in general. 

Fantasy 3: A woman proves she is deserving of a love relationship by taming the beast with unconditional love. 

Based on this fantasy, men are biologically prone to violence and aggression, and thus to the extent a woman’s love is real, she sacrifices her well being, puts herself in harms way, always forgives, and blindly trusts that, somehow, her love and sacrifice will eventually tame the beast in her man. Based on romanticized notions of dominance, women are led to believe in the illusion that, one day, he will miraculously appreciate her, become her prince, treat her like a princess, but only, of course, once she succeeds in proving her love are good enough to take him out of his misery, and win him over, by silently enduring, ignoring, and forgiving the way he mistreats her in the meantime, regardless how much he intimidates, demeans, abuses her. This reinforces the double standards for men to feel entitled to abuse with impunity, and women to prove themselves, spinning their wheels to keep their love relationship in tact.

Based on this fantasy, women are responsible for making a man feel loved, secure, happy, regardless the costs to her. If he’s a beast, well “boys will be boys”; she is supposed to see this as her failure, never his, her deficiency or inadequacy, never his. She is supposed to believe that a worthy woman, regardless what he does, forgives and makes excuses for him, and makes sure he never feels bad about anything he does. He does the wrongs; she has to somehow right the wrong but do so in a way that keeps his ego propped up?  And this is supposed to heal his insecurities at some point, her giving in to whatever he says he needs to feel loved and secure? What lies, illusions, a set up to exploit the kindness and love of innocent persons.

Truth about this fantasy!? Truth be told, giving in and going along with abuse, out of fear, escalates abuse, making the abuser more and not less dangerous to others. He will not “magically” appreciate her each time she forgives and gets conned into staying. He will instead start to really believe his false-self illusions about his own superiority, entitlements to abuse with impunity! This lie is an enabling drug for NPDs and APDs. The more a woman gives in out of fear when a partner acts like a beast, the more likely acts of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse will worsen, with greater intensity and frequency. Unwittingly, this contributes to the notion that “real” men are not “emotionally developed” and “empathy” is feminine trait.

** The word “narcissist” in this post refers to persons meeting the criteria for either narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) on one end, or the more extreme behaviors of antisocial personality disorder (APD), overall a set of overt and, or covert behaviors that display a sense of superiority and scorn, lack of empathy or regard for another’s rights or feelings, and a set of deliberate acts of violence, physical, sexual and, or emotional abuse via malignant tactics such as gaslighting.

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7 Realizations a Husband Struggling With Narcissism Shares With His Sons Mon, 31 Dec 2018 20:28:07 +0000 sons in college photo


Dear Sons**:

I’m writing to let you know I’ve kept a secret. I’ve hidden from you how priceless your mother has been to our family,

sons in college photo


Dear Sons**:

I’m writing to let you know I’ve kept a secret. I’ve hidden from you how priceless your mother has been to our family, an incredible person who’s brought much value to my life personally, my career, the family I want to call mine. I hid it intentionally. I made her look small to make myself appear better, superior, admired.

I now want you to know, she’s the glue that has kept what I most value in my life together.

It’s not easy to admit this. Or to own actions I took in the 20+ years of our marriage to intentionally devalue her voice, thoughts, contributions, to make her and others think less of her. It’s been a process.

I made this discovery in the last few years, starting with an announcement that she would no longer participate with my treating her like a second class citizen. She was prepared to separate, but agreed to return to couples therapy with, this time with me more engaged, and agreeing to focus on my getting help to own and end what the therapist labeled “emotional abuse.”

At first I felt shocked, disappointed. I did not think a man, a husband, a good provider like me should be made to feel he was wrong in how he treated his wife. I expected the therapist to side with me, and scold my wife to make her come to her senses, to admit my actions were deserved and even beneficial for her. I really thought, at the time, that this was normal because I was a man, and this is how men should be treated!

I wanted to quit therapy. I tried to get your mother to agree with me, and find another therapist. She would not budge.  Your mother brushed off my protests. She saw right threw me, and knew I what I really hoped for was a  “boys will be boys” therapist that would let me have my way. 

I believe her refusal to allow the status quo treatment of her was the best thing she could have done for me, our family and you. We’ve been in couples therapy since then, steadily making progress.

And that’s why I’m writing this letter. I have amends to make. My past actions sent a message that it was okay for men to casually dismiss, ignore, discredit, silence, and feel annoyed when the woman in their life complains or makes attempts to feel heard.

In my old way of thinking, I thought it was my job, as a man, to “teach” the three of you to be “real” men, and that meant to display my power to dominate and prove my superiority as a man.  

It was wrong of me. It is never okay or justified for one human being, man or woman, to treat another person or group, as less than human, less valuable. It is also cruel to claim and violate the rights of another human being.

This letter is from a now more awake husband and father, a work in progress of course, a man who wants very much to heal and mend his relationship with himself, the woman who’s been the best partner he could ask for, and his sons.

My hope is that this letter opens your eyes to see women and men in different ways. To recognize, for example, how men in our society are manipulated by certain fear-activating beliefs from boyhood into thinking they must prove they are “real” men, and that dominating and violating the rights of women, or others they label as weak or objects, is fundamental to “who a man is.” 

I have made several discoveries in this time. These discoveries have forced me to question and unlearn certain conditioned beliefs that once literally made me think and act as if it were my job, as a man, to terrorize and make my wife feel less small, less than human. 

I discovered that this and other beliefs I’d held regarding what it means to be a man, father and husband, which men are socialized to believe from boyhood, blocked and kept me blind.

These beliefs are lies; hate- and fear-activating propaganda.

This awakened in me to several new realizations I want to share with you. Here are a few:

1. I realized that being human is what matters most in life. 

I was raised to believe that: a “real” man proves his worth to the extent he displays superiority and dominance, and subverts the will of those deemed inferior, namely women and children. I thought my ability to subjugate and terrorize*** my wife, and to some extent my children, would cause them and others to admire and respect me. I’ve realized bullying others is not a strength at all; it traumatizes the bully and bullied alike, raises levels of anxiety for all, thus hampers chances for forming healthy relationships with others, and self.

This belief kept me blind to what really matters in life, which is being human. Being fully human is the strongest, most courageous and vital endeavor a man (or woman) can strive to cultivate inside! Regardless of gender or age, being human requires far more intellect, courage and strength than being a bully. As a bully I felt a lot of stress, anxious and worried that others would discover how clueless I was about relationships, how worried I was about my image of being in control, how this isolated me from those I love, how on guard and at war with myself and others I felt I had to be, and so on.

In contrast, to form a healthy relationship, each person first and foremost needs to learn to see and treat self and other as human, ensuring each feels valued, loved, heard and known as a unique being. I still struggle to empathize, just taking baby steps really; I can however see how invaluable it is to see your mother’s heart, to recognize the gifts she brings to our family, and to feel thankful to have another chance to keep her and what matters most to me in my life. 

2. I realized that “male dominance and superiority ideals” are in fact hate propaganda — and not a biological norm!

I was raised to believe that the concepts of male dominance and superiority were biological norms, or ordained by god, and thus, any “means” of maintaining this social-order based was beneficial to all. This belief system caused me to behave toward your mother in ways that kept me disconnected from feeling human or seeing your mother as human. It also caused me to live 24/7 with a lot of anxiety, always on guard, protecting my image and “masculinity,” regarding my family as I would a dangerous jungle with wild animals out to devour me! To protect myself, I wore an armor that kept me emotionally distant and harsh to protect my image. This kept me in denial of the pain I felt inside, feeling isolated, fragile, unloved, inadequate, unprepared to deal with vulnerable emotions, except to disown and blame others for how miserable I felt inside.

We are not meant to relate to one another with fear, ever on guard. This traumatizes us, and keeps us in survival mode, which blocks our ability for higher thinking. It is true that: the only thing to fear is fear itself. Our capacity for higher thinking is critical to our health and happiness. Human beings are unique from other creatures in the wild however. No other creature has the capacity to reflect upon their own thinking, to envision a better world, to step out courageously to create it, and in the process to learn and grow ever wiser. 

Now I’ve come to understand these are arbitrary standards for performance are a set of conquer-and-divide tactics. They are used by self-appointed oligarchs who feel threatened by truth and democratic relations, and thus strategize attacks to discredit them as “weak” or “inferior.”

Oligarchs use misogynist beliefs to turn men against women, and in turn to get them to participate in their own oppression. That’s how all cults work; they use “us versus then” hate propaganda to instill fear of other groups. And simultaneously they portray themselves as “saviors” who are going to rescue them from the “evil” groups. In reality, they strategize to justify perpetual war, rage, violence and the like, in order to stay in power.

3. I realized that training some persons to feel “entitled” to mistreat other persons with impunity not only goes against many values of moral persons — but also may be the root of most all relational problems in marriages, families and society at large. 

I had been taught that this is what “real” men do, that is, to display a callous disregard, gaslight, silence, exploit and tear a woman down, and so on. I was fooled into believing that women and society in general admire men who prove their strength by being dismissive, and showing no remorse for keeping a woman in her place. For decades, I refused to allow your mothers words, needs and wants to be treated as valuable; instead, I interpreted her attempts to reach me as “emotional craziness” of the female sex, and that it was my job as a man to fix it. It was not until I realized I may lose her that I started to reexamine the value of these beliefs, and to see them for what they were — lies, misogynist teachings, hate propaganda, conquer and divide tactics, and the like. I now also realize that men are manipulated and victimized by these beliefs, albeit in different ways than women. The beliefs lure us into thinking we are a “special” group and that we are entitled to expect admiration, obedience, special treatment, and so on. In reality, this belief keeps us ignorant, and led to ongoing disconnect between me and your mother, caused by my efforts to block her every effort to create a fully human relationship with me. I’ve realized it is wrong for our society to raise men, as a group, to believe “fear- and hate-activating lies” as evidence or proof of their “masculinity” and thus their worth.

4. I realized that justifying the inhumane treatment of another person, or group of persons, as “necessary” to protect the “masculinity” of those in authority is the biggest “craziness” of all! 

I had been taught to regard and treat the woman who most had my back like an enemy, and to act much like a soldier on the battlefield, to feel I had to “get the enemy before the enemy got me.” My beliefs taught me to believe my abusive actions were a favor, after all, I was trying to fix her so-called “emotional craziness” and “love stuff” talk. And because I was taught to believe a man should never feel fragile or anxious, I blamed your mother for any pain I felt, denying what was mine to own. This resulted in doing hurtful things to the woman I most loved and treasured. Now I realize what really matters in life — is knowing how to form healthy relationships with those that matter most to me, your mother and you, and other family members. 

5. I realized that terrorizing a person that loves you to make them “respect” (fear) you is costly venture. Forcing another to act out of fear is not love, and thus ignorance. 

I was brought up thinking that it is of benefit, for the person in authority, to badger family members to get you to do what I wanted. I thought this was evidence of “respect” but really it is just fear and ignorance. I spent decades wasting my energy to protect my image of being “the boss” rather than protect my relationships and happiness and peace of mind. I nearly lost the love of the woman who proved to be just the partner I needed to make our family what it is, my career what it has been, and me an ever better person, father and husband. I discovered that keeping another person in their place put me at risk of losing the love of the person I most valued. It caused her to not want to be around me, to no longer want to make me happy. She was doing things for me out of fear, not love. Now I don’t even understand why I would ever want this, much less think it was okay.

6. I realized that this toxic belief system causes men to see and treat women as less than human, and that’s the “real craziness.”

I really thought it was a good thing, benevolent in fact, for a man to make the woman in his life feel blamed, crazy, self-doubting. I truly believed this was a man’s duty, and to the extent a man made the woman in his life believe she was out of line, feel bad, ashamed for talking about feeling hurt, making her feel she was selfish, controlling or emasculating, a man could feel proud he’d succeeded. I now see these beliefs about “masculinity” and “dominance” are the real problem, the “real craziness” so to speak. I was brought up to believe women are dangerous, and that men need to be on guard and protect “their masculinity” as if it is constantly under attack, even when a wife asks her husband to be human, kind, affectionate, warn and caring. It is these beliefs that cause men to be blind to what really matters in relationships with those you most love.

7. I realized that playing mind games in therapy did not make me the smart one; in fact, it kept me weak, fearful, and arrested my emotional development, left me unfulfilled, complaining, playing blame games, feeling powerless.

I thought I was smarter and that my skills in denying and gaslighting would prevail in therapy, and so it took me a while to take therapy seriously. I first had to learn to take your mother, and her words seriously. For a long time, I went along with therapy and looked for opportunities, so to speak, to jump in and take charge of the processes with the tricks, such as gaslighting and denial, I’d learned “real” men are supposed to use to dominate those they perceive as weak. I saw therapy as “a phase” or “emotional craziness,” and just remained in strategic position to keep doing my duty to “fix” your mother, and take charge again. And so I adjusted the ways men gaslight women into feeling ashamed for complaining about the way men treat them, and to get her to silence herself, wants and needs.

Last but not least, I hope you will keep this letter and read it from time to time in your college years. I’m awake and no longer feeling I have to fight to prove my worth. If I have any regrets it is that it took me so long, so much time I could have enjoyed a more relaxed way of being a man, a husband, a father. And when you find the lady you want be your partner in life, read this letter again, more closely. I’ve never felt more calm, secure, loved and connected to your mother, you and my family. That’s something worth fighting for! 

** The above is an edited letter written by one of my clients recently to share with his two sons both of college age. This client was identified with narcissistic personality disorder in couples therapy, and cutting through the gaslighting and denial patterns took a few years of couples therapy. After he experienced a recent breakthrough, which took him to a place where he allowed himself to own his actions as problematic and hurtful to him, as well as his marriage. In this therapist’s opinion, this process involved a wife who awakened to realize her value came from her, not him, and who became energized to do and change whatever was necessary in her own patterns of thinking and responding, to no longer participate in the narcissistic abuse patterns she experienced in their 20+ years of marriage.

*** Yes the word terrorize is objectionable; I had a hard time owning it. But it is exactly what occurs when a person, more often a man due to our socialization, intentionally acts to make the woman in his life, or his children, fear him in order to obey without questioning!


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4 Conscious Choices to Energize You to Live Your Best Life in the New Year Mon, 31 Dec 2018 19:05:15 +0000

choice making photoThe start of a New Year is wonderful time to connect to your heart’s deepest yearnings — and do so in a way that energizes your capacity to create more of what you yearn to bring into your life.



Yes, set goals. Write them down. Make them S.M.A.R.T. goals. Complete exercises to energize “your life story.” It’s all good! The results or outcomes you produce however depend on your approach, in other words, your mindset or attitude. To stick with your goals, approach any endeavor by amping up the love!

Choose love! It’s always the defining factor! (Best antidote to fear too.)

There are at least 4 powerful choices to practice and connect to your creative-love power in the now, or present moments. The conscious choice to:

1. Understand your thoughts are pure life-shaping power.

Become aware of your thoughts in present moments, especially how you think and speak of yourself and life (also others). These thoughts are life shaping power at emotional, mental and physical levels. Your brain and body literally responds to key thoughts by activating neurotransmitters (emotion molecules) inside, which in turn produce structural changes in the brain. They also stop and start behaviors accordingly. In other words, depending on the situation, they have the power to shape your life and its direction.

To understand how much leverage you have to produce optimal outcomes, the first step is to accept this miracle making power as who you are fundamentally! It is a capacity you have to access at any moment, and hopefully cultivate! You create your experiences with your thoughts. It cannot be said enough: Change your thoughts, change your life!

2. Know that you always have a choice. No exceptions.

Become aware of your capacity to observe your thoughts. It’s true; certain habitual thoughts are automatic. You cannot necessarily certain thoughts from coming in, however, by observing them, and identifying toxic thinking patterns and, or limiting beliefs that no longer serve you, you can choose to shift away and replace them in any given moment or situation with optimal ones. It’s not easy to rewire and rework old habits. You must be willing, determined. The first step however is to fully accept that, yes indeed, you really, really, really have a choice in what you think or tell yourself or say! Become an observer, in effect, see yourself and life from your wise-self vantage point — not as a harsh judge and jury. Controlling the circumstances around you may be limited, but you always have a choice in how you respond to events and circumstances.

It’s a powerful exercise of the mind. You are wired to be and act as the agent, primary choice-maker of your life. Own it! Go beyond, to be in awe of this human capacity to observe and choose optimal responses, and shift away from old reactive (fear-activating) programming and patterns. It’s no small matter! A better understanding of yourself, grants you a better understanding of others, and life around you. It frees you to be yourself, compassionately so, and then grant this freedom to others.

3. Accept the reality that your choices in the now, in present moments, are pure power.

There is no greater power than your choice at any moment as to how you respond, what you focus on, and thus, what meanings and emotions you create and hold inside. These interpretations are pure power as they activate emotion molecules that move you to action, or to inaction for that matter. Power defined as a displayed ability of one person to control and subjugate another with fear and lies, in reality, is the weakest form of power. It takes an enormous amount of energy to achieve and maintain this, comes with high costs to the health of both, and thus at best is merely an illusion of power.

In its purest form — power is a cultivated ability to make optimal choices. It is also a learning derived from making less than optimal choices, a process of growing wisdom, belief and confidence in yourself to make ever better ones. You hold the reins, never give them away, for example, by blaming others or being harsh with yourself for past mistakes. Instead consider new ways of responding, and accessing your power in present moments to rewire old patterns of reactivity. Observe your thoughts is a practice to cultivate, something you mindfully choose to do,  throughout the day, i.e., getting ready for work or driving the car. This powerful capacity, unique to humans, to think about your thoughts amps up your capacity for possibility thinking and creativity. As a side benefit, you may make fewer mistakes, and less costly ones.

4. Get comfortable with what is uncomfortable, yet challenges you to grow. 

To optimize your ability to choose, think and observe yourself and life, and so on, involves processes that are all about growth; and all growth is uncomfortable. (Until we accept and integrate the new learning.) When you open yourself up to grow optimally, you will likely discover that the main problem you’ve faced in life, or what has always kept you stuck at any give time or situation has been — old comfort zones. Old comfort zones are behavior patterns more often learned and reinforced from childhood; your subconscious mind has learned to associate them with what is familiar and thus comfortable, safe.

At every level, physical, mental and emotional, human beings are wired to grow throughout life. The “Rule of Use It Or Lose It” applies to human development, and like gravity, is always in effect. In other words, when effort to grow stops, the gains are not maintained. For example, if you stop going to the gym, regardless previous gains, your body will experience muscle loss; if you stop learning, your brain will lose density, and so on. You’re wired to grow. All growth is painful. Avoiding growth is what causes suffering, however. It’s not unusual to fear and resist change because of the discomfort new choices naturally produce. Whenever you’ve felt stuck, it’s often a result of avoiding the discomfort of stepping out of old comfort zones. As a child, you developed many comfort zones. While these served and protected you at the time, as an adult, most comfort zones become the cause of suffering. Your ability to learn to get comfortable with what is uncomfortable to you, in your own comfort zones, will remain a lifelong experience.

These four conscious choices are not as easy as they may sound to practice and apply. The effort’s worth it!

Photo by Neville Wootton Photography

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