John Wick Chapter 2

John Wick Chapter 2:  Kinda like wanting 5 Guys but getting Carl’s Jr. instead.

Now just fucking hold on for a second. They didn’t forget your fries, you got your straws, and there’s plenty of napkins. Your order came out right and there’s half a fist of ketchup packets next to your grease potatoes. Everything is fine. Carl’s Jr. is fine. You are going to have a good meal. It’s easy to sulk that YOUR WIFE COULDN’T DRIVE 10 MORE FUCKING MINUTES FOR A CAJUN STYLE FRY HOLOCAUST IN YOUR BAG BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED, but hey, you are still coming out of this a winner.

Chapter 2 tries to get deeper with world building and strengthen the mythos of John Wick. The silly hotel is still there and Wick gets to go to Europe because of some retarded blood oath. There’s a scene where he gets a suit and another where he talks to bums. I’m skimming over the plot since that’s not why you are getting a ticket for this. Well. Not really. The plot was my canjun fries and got me off my ass from the first one. When you pitch a trailer about a man that went on a murderous rampage because they killed his puppy, I am fucking in. I went for the plot and stuck around for the violence. In Chapter 2, I went for the violence but just got annoyed that there was a plot to deal with. I’ll explain in a bit.

”They killed man puppers. Now I have a bigger puppers.

Here’s the thing that Chapter 2 gets right and has Second Amendment guys jerking off to. Gun pornography. Chapter 2 carries the strengths from the first movie and stays with them. Fight scenes are (mostly) satisfying and well-choreographed, shootouts are fun, and technical weapon handling is spot on. There’s a scene that has been passed around Youtube where Keanu is negotiating with Fishbourne for a gun. He takes the unloaded weapon, checks it for a round, slap a magazine in, chambers a round, and checks for the chambered round. What’s that sound? That’s the sound of my dick coming out of my pants.

Ruby Rose leading a team of extras to say hi to John Wick.

For a movie that revolves around stylized violence, there are only two problems I had with it. The first problem centers on the villains or people that can convince you they could give John Wick a bad day. The entire first movie just hypes up John Wick up as “the one you sent to kill the fucking boogeyman” and spends 96 murder filled minutes demonstrating why. Chapter 2 needed a threat to John so the studio decided that the most dangerous people to fill that role are a mute lesbian and Common. No. Whenever Common pops up in the movie, two things are known. The first is that he will probably live. The second is he won’t be the scariest person in the film. Ruby Rose who plays the mute just grabs Wick’s balls at one point and towards the end of the film in a panicked denial that she will get ceremoniously murdered by John’s bullets. Nothing against the two, but the film didn’t prop the two as anything other than bullet fodder.

Dude. Have you even seen John Wick 1? You aren’t even in focus. That’s how much they give a shot about you. Get the fuck out of there, man. RUN!

The second is the actual plot. This is going to sound really fucking stupid, but just hear me out. John Wick actually had an interesting plot. The puppy thing seemed silly, but as it was a mere symptom of his grief and how they dived into it while he was about to get tortured, I bought it. It wasn’t fucking Oscar worthy but it gave enough backstory and enough motivation to drive the action forward. Chapter 2 just feels a little naked in comparison. The world feels silly now that we Superman with guns so now that there is no character development, it boils down to just wanting Murderman to get with the murdering. I’m ok with this.

A lot of people have tried to call the film “The Empire Strikes Back” of the series, which probably hints at a third film. I wholeheartedly believe these statements are retarded. That may have been the grand design in the production, but they missed out. If they would have spent a little more time fleshing some things out, we would have our Cajun fries. But at the end of the day we have artery clogging California Classic which ultimately is fine by me.