Monday, June 25

the bach: i forget what week we're on

here i am. ready for the bach to start, and ready for my husband to bring me home chipotle. did someone say best.night.ever? don't judge me, i don't get out much.

emily feels like she has the best "group of guys. ever." not too many people can say that… or want to say that? i'm happy with my one man thankyaverymuch.

i know it is completely evil of me but i want to slap doug while he is standing there and chris harrison explains the dates this week. doug please just get off the show.

skinny jeans on jef. typical.

arie: freshly shaven.

hugs all around when emily enters the room. it's sort of like a receiving line or something.

is it just me or has em hit the spray tan booth?

ohmigawsh. is that clock another love statue? someone help me.

glittery shorts. alert! alert! glittery shorts. are they encrusted with diamonds? i am unsure.

people are looking at arie and emily kissing like should we know these people? why is there a camera crew all up in their biznass? who knows, but we're following them! get me on TV!

ohmygoodness. here we go… rub the dog for loyalty. SERIOUSLY. rub it. and then do a dance.

let's not pretend that abc didn't know that arie dated the producer of their show. and why would arie not tell her? lame. you are creeping down my list, ar. creeeeping on down.

emily. stop playing the game and just ask the question.

what? why in the world would that conversation about the producer woman not be on camera? bad move! we were all waiting for it. and i think emily just brushing it off is lame as well. he didn't even tell her that he knew the producer, let alone dated her. lies. lies. lies. that would not be okay with me.

my friend bridget (please read her recaps) said that chris looks like this character and i cannot get it out of my mind. muuuuhahahaha. he is LIVID.

arie loves her. count it people, 3 dates and he's in it.

fireworks… totally not the most predictable thing ever. and arie you were not surprised, so don't act like it.

the only reason that john is still on the show is because he showed his grandparents funeral cards.

oh here we go. another love wall.

nice boat, john. nice boat.

the locks. i'm seriously shutting off the television.

chris. anger issues much? you're on the bachelorette dude.

dinner in a dungeon, dinner in a jail. same ol', same ol'.

i find it hysterical that john's nickname is wolf. it should be puppy. or lamb.

emily asks if john normally dates girls that are like him? and her response should be CAUSE I AIN'T ONE.

he called prisons to check in on his cheating girlfriend. nbd.

i sort of feel bad that john is going to get kicked off the show now that he shared all this. cause we all know that he isn't going to win this thing.

his mom and her would be two peas in a pod. got that?

sean is chasing down emily. on the prowl.

emily would have never ever been strolling that lonely street by herself. please. i sort of want sean to win. he's a little overconfident but i don't know. i think she likes his flesh colored hair.

make out sesh.

doug will not ever stop talking about how every date would be his son's favorite thing.

finally. sent him home. finally! this is awkward. see ya he says.

sean can not stop smiling. that key was made for him. he loves it.

if emily keeps chris over wolfy she has issues. even though i think that will be the case.

so glad sean got the rose. yeehaw! chris, you are on the bachelorette. why are you having a mental breakdown? this is what the show is all about. and he continues starring off into the distance and drumming his fingers on his knee.

jef's date: creepy puppets. that was sweet to get the puppet for ricki… i'll give ya that much, jef.

why would you ever put on a puppet show? stop. why is this happening?

i like you jef and emily, i just feel like you two are SO different. let's all take a look up their noses on the library floor.

emily's life goal is to be pregnant for 27 years in a row. her and jef are the next duggars.

i am CRACKING UP over the shock factor that is the lack of cocktail party.

john is so sure and chris is having a straight up breakdown.

chris is sort of scaring me… like a raging bull coming through the screen at us all. he is crazy. and he is the happiest he has ever been in his entire life right now.

i'm sad for wolfy.

chris, you're going home next week. obvi.

that's all for now, folks.


  1. yeah, how is emily not sick of hearing about Doug's ki? I sure as hech am. I agree that jeff is so likable but yeah, he kinda looks like her kid brother or something which is super disturbing when they make-out. and i'm pretty sure Emily would be disappointed if she was pregnant for ONLY the next 27 years :o)

  2. I don't even watch the BACH and I love these updates. You crack me up, girl.

  3. LOVE EVERY SINGLE THING about this recap. Nice work. :)

  4. Oh my goodness this was hilarious! A perfect recap of the show I love it!

    Xoxo Melissa

  5. you didn't even mention the most PAINFUL part!!!!
    when dougie went in for the world's most AWKWARD kiss!!!!
    holy moly!
    i was cringing!
    he should have stepped up to the plate a long time ago and had a make out sesh with her.
    oh well!
    guaranteed there'll be some girls SWOONING over him after this show.
    biceps and respect!
    he'll be just fine.
    no tears for the dougster.

    chris... aka psycho killer?!
    he is freaky deaky.
    that's all i gotta say.

    john "wolf".
    yeah, could have seen him leaving from a mile away.
    i knew she'd keep freaky chris over him.
    john is boring with a capital B!
    (yeah... what the heck... "called prison looking for my girlfriend"!?!?!?!?)

    i'm thinking sean will win.
    yeah... totally his hair is the same color as his skin.
    and i love that they always make out with her facing forward when they sit.
    such an awkward position!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    who knows who she sends home next week...
    she's "confused" again... obvi all the home town dates go well?!

    1. i DIDNT SEEE THE KISS! a certain two and half year old KEPT GETTING OUT OF BED and i missed it!! i might just have to tune in online just for that. HA!

    2. FOR REAL danielle is you missed that awkward kiss you have to watch it online. Most. Awkward. Thing. Ever.



  6. Loved the glittery shorts, but not sure about the rest of that outfit. And what the heck was she wearing on Jef's date? Leggings? Jeggings? Tights? And those frilly boots? Weird. I kind of love Jef more after their date, but agree that he looks so much younger than her. I'm calling Sean and Jef as the final two. I love how Sean is protective of her in his body language.

    1. i can't decide who the final two are going to be! it's killing me!

  7. I agree on Sean and Jef being the final two. I personally like Jef more, but think Sean's a better fit for her. I'm a little surprised she kept John around as long as she did...Emily has been pretty good about sending them home when she wasn't feelin' it, I will give her that. Arie is definitely moving down my list too - it makes me sooooooo uncomfortable when they kiss. ew. Now just send Chris home!!

    Thanks for the recap! :)

    1. agree on jef better but sean's the better fit! hahaha i know. chris, buh bye creepsta!

  8. What on earth was John wearing on their date? Looks like he borrowed that gray sweatshirt and khakis from his dad or something!! Tacky. I am super grossed out seeing tongue in the kissing scenes. So.So.Gross. Keep that to yourselves ya'll!!!

  9. yes, please edit to add the mid-dump kiss.
    fast-forwarded thru jef's date. could not handle the puppets.
    OMGosh chris was either about to have a seizure during the RC, or come staright through the screen as you said. that HT date should be a great watch!
    team sean!
    jef will be the next bachelor.

  10. hi! new to your blog and find you hilarious!
    i had no clue what you were talking about and
    then figured that you were talking about the bachelorette (or is it
    bachelor?) show.
    it looks like i'm missing out on some good tv drammmaaa!! lol :)

  11. this is amazing. i'm literally cracking up. love the recaps, almost as much as watching the show.

  12. Okay so tears. Running down my face right now. From laughing. Oh dear. I have never watched this kind of reality show like this before. Maybe real housewives or something in the past but I'm not much on any kind of reality show except like project runway. Then, my sister made me watch the first and second episode of the bachelor this season and now I'm absolutely hooked. How is this life even real? I keep asking myself that the entire time I'm watching the show and seriously my inner commentary is pretty much just like this post. Good lord.

    But, when Doug kissed Emily? I felt so bad for him. It was so awful and awkward, poor guy. His man card is gone for good now.

  13. It's been a while since I've had a chance to catch up on blog reading and your post cracked me up. All the things I was thinking. I wish I had someone like you to watch with, instead of my cynical husband who makes wise cracks the whole time. Even if he's right, it's not nearly as fun. And the camera angle on the library floor? P.O.I.N.T.Y. noses...that's all I've got to say.

  14. Ha! This is AWESOME! Because of your blog and a few others, I've been totally sucked into the Bachelorette. I finally admitted it to my husband, thinking he would think I was completely ridiculous. But believe it or not, he watched half of one episode with me and started talking about crazy helicopter guy was (this was a few weeks ago before he was kicked off). Score.

    My vote is Sean. It was Arie, but he's just weirding me out with his eager kissing. Jef is my very favorite, but I think he's just a bit too normal for Emily. She wants to be doted on, and I don't think he would last in that environment.

    And I just have to say, poor Doug. Most awkward kiss. Ever in the history of ever.