10 Fake Reality Shows We Wish Were Real


Get out the throwing wine: ELLE.com is celebrating the best (and worst) of reality TV this week.

Things are so real right now! Too real? Not possible. We're at maximum television realness: Realizing Your Musical Dream shows, Celebrities Living Their Lives shows, Game Shows Hosted by People We Like, Game Shows Hosted by People We Don't Like, Dating Game Shows, and Dating Shows About Dating Game Shows. We're living in the golden age of real life being filmed for cameras and sometimes for a prize of some sort! What a time to be alive.

But we could also use more. It could always be more real! So, here are some reality show pitches that I've been working on day and night for my new show Reality Show Pitch-Off. Please alert Hollywood.

Name: Chef's Kiss!

What Is It?: It's like Chopped meets Bachelor in Paradise!

Pitch: A bunch of chefs spend a lot of time hooking up and cooking up! They're making food and making out! Shacking up while prepping shakshuka! Frankly, it seems dangerous to be Netflix and Chillin' near a stove but maybe that's part of the allure of the show. How do you win this show? I don't know. How do you win the Bachelor in Paradise? Survive. Sure. That's the goal. Or no chapped lips! That's even better. The person with the least chapped lips at the end of Chef's Kiss gets to eat the shakshuka. As a bonus, when people review this show they can say, "Chef's Kiss is ::chef's kiss::"

Name: The Library Is Open

What Is It?: It's like What Would You Do? meets a public service announcement.

Pitch: Have you ever thought "There should be a Netflix for books"? If so, you're one of the disconcertingly large number of Americans who apparently do not know that libraries exist and, as such, you're a perfect contestant for PBS' first reality show, The Library Is Open. The host, a very exasperated Ben Franklin, walks up to people on the street and asks them one question, "For $10,000, could you help me find a copy of Leaves of Grass that I could take home with me at no cost within the next hour." The clock starts and we're off. What will you choose? Cajoling an independent bookseller? Scamming an Amazon drone? Shoplifting? Or...a library?!

Name: Wig!


What Is It?: It's like What's My Line? meets Tabatha Takes Over.

Pitch: At least, I think it's like Tabatha Takes Over. I never really watched Tabatha Takes Over, but I assume it was about Tabatha taking over hair salons. That sounds about right. If it wasn't, it should have been. I would absolutely watch a show about a person named Tabatha (any person named Tabatha) taking over hair salons. But that is not Wig! Wig! is a show where people wear a wig and contestants have to guess if it's a wig! The host of the show (maybe Tabatha? See if she's available) has a tagline that's like "Hair today, gone tomorrow!" which is sort of like "Sashay away, chantay you stay" but it makes less sense. Every time Tabatha says it, the contestants are like, "Wait, am I hair or am I gone?" And Tabatha is like "You're wigged out." This runs for roughly 12 seasons.

Name: Celebrities Tweeting at Airlines

What Is It?: It's like The Match Game meets a customer service headache.

Pitch: Celebrities! Always flying on planes! Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad! It's planes! A panel of celebrity guests who have just gotten off of a terrible flight all pull out their phones at the same time and tweet their grievances at an airline. The first celebrity to get a satisfactory response wins. The rest have to get back on the plane! It's kind of like purgatory but with the caste system of fame!

Name: Celebrities Tweeting at Airlines: Behind the Tweets

What Is It?: It's Terrace House meets Talking Dead.

Pitch: Cameras follow the social media managers at a bunch of major airlines who are just trying to have a peaceful weekend but can't because a reality show in which celebrities tweet complaints at the managers' jobs is really popular. We get to know the families of the social media managers, their background strategies, their pain every time someone tweets "Give the intern a raise!" because what intern? And, once the celebrity tweets come in, we get to watch them leap into action trying to solve the grave problem of a 45 minute flight to Boston being out of coconut milk.

Name: Here's the Tea!

What Is It?: It's like Truth or Dare meets Great British Baking Show but with liquid!

Pitch: So, okay, this is really complicated. People come on Here's the Tea and they get blindfolded and they have to drink a bunch of beverages and decide which one is the best tea. Some of them won't even be tea! So, this will get ugly. Not like gross stuff. Just like Kool-Aid. Anyway, if the blindfolded judges (the blindfolded people are judges, like Sonia Sotomayor, etc.) decide your tea is the best tea, you win. If you don't win, you have to tell some gossip that you know. And everyone is like, "Whoa, that's the tea."

Name: Nothing But Respect for My President!

What Is It?: It's like taking a citizenship exam meets Match Game!

Pitch: A panel of presidents (of the United States and also of various local civic organizations and such) are asked questions and contestants have to pick the most respectful answer. What does this mean? That's up to an arbitrary set of rules that no one is privy to. This show is a metaphor!

Name: Impeachment Hearings

PoolGetty Images

What Is It?: Impeachment hearings!

Pitch: It's impeachment hearings!

Name: Make a Phone Call

What Is It?: The most terrifying reality show of them all.

Pitch: Remember Fear Factor? Well, eating a scorpion will look like a gourmet meal compared to the newest chill-inducing reality show, Make a Phone Call. Contestants will be given a number to dial and a phone, and be told that they have 15 minutes to make a phone call. Contestants must speak to the person on the other end, either about business or personal matters, depending on what they draw from the Phone Booth of Death. The exchange must last at least five minutes. ON THE PHONE. And if they get the answering machine, they must leave a message and also call back.

Name: The Thirst Is Real!

What Is It?: It's like Naked and Afraid but without the Afraid part!

Pitch: One lucky contestant gets to wander the wilderness with their celebrity crush. The catch is they can only take...their thirst! That's right—no preparation, no backpack, no canteen! Just you, Idris Elba, and your desire to live. How long can a very hot celebrity and a normal who was plucked from off the street survive in inhospitable conditions while making polite small talk? This reality show is partially based on the Kate Winslet/Idris Elba film That Mountain Movie Everyone On This Plane Is Watching, Ironically. Kate Winslet wins that film because she lives. And also because she does not kiss Idris Elba until the end. That's how contestants can QUENCH THEIR THIRST and forfeit the game—by kissing the very hot celebrity with permission. No one ever wins this game. Like, would you want to win? Here are the options: suffer or make out with Michael Bae Jordan and go back to your regular life. Note: This game is similar to Celebrity Chef's Kiss but they are distinct properties and owned by different companies. Just so everyone is clear.

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