I'VE BEEN scurrying around town this week doing my Christmas shopping.

Don't men act weird in shops? I was in M&S the other day and it was full of blokes skulking around the ladies lingerie department trying to drum up courage to buy sexy underwear.

These were precisely the same macho males who thought nothing of pulling down their pants and showing their backsides to the entire world at the beer festival.

I heard one nervous husband in Boots asking for a bottle of 'scent'. God knows where he's been for the past 50 years.

Would you believe I actually saw a man, who was buying a pair of ladies' shoes, produce one out of his pocket to compare the size.

I assume he was married to Cinderella? Good job he wasn't looking for a bra.

Mrs B is a real sweetheart so on top of the small items she usually requests I always try and give her something romantic on Christmas Day.

Last year it was a CD of the 'World's Greatest Love Songs'.

You know what I got? A torch. How romantic was that?

I did try furtling around under the duvet with my Ever Ready but I ran out of batteries before the love songs kicked in.

On Valentine's Day I gave her the biggest bunch of red roses you've ever seen. Guess what I got? Socks.

I can't tell you what I've bought Mrs B this year because she'll read about it before I spring the surprise - but it will definitely do the trick.

Come Christmas morning I think the turkey might have to stuff itself.
