President threatens to withdraw US from world

WASHINGTON (Rooters agency) – President Ronald Dump today threatened to pull the United States out of the world if it doesn’t “shape up.”

“If they don’t shape up, I would withdraw from the world,” the President said in an interview with Broombilger News.

It has frequently been indicated by administration insiders that the President’s chief international concern, after the “Chinese hoax” of global warming, is the shape of the world. While many, perhaps a majority, of the world’s governments regard the world as a sphere, the President has been heard to denounce this idea as “fake geogrammy.”

President Dump appears to believe that regarding the world as round rather than “flat, as everyone can see it is,” is the product of an international conspiracy to “make it seem impossible for America to be the center of it all.”

A source told Rooters that the President had often made comments like: “I don’t know why we’re in it. The world is designed by the rest of them to screw the United States. And to screw me, since I’m the center of America.”

Treasury Secretary Steptoe Munchkin said that the idea of the US withdrawing from the world was “an exaggeration, this week,” but pointed out that a “more or less flat world” could be bent upwards around the edges so that money and other things of value would naturally slide or flow down to the center, whereas this would be impossible on a sphere.

However, there is some concern in business circles as to the possible consequences if the rest of the world resists the President’s demand to “shape up,” and the administration therefore feels obliged to make good on Dump’s threat and withdraw the country from the world.

“Where will we dump our unsalable stuff? Where will we get cheap resources?” asked one businessman, who donated substantially to Dump’s 2016 election campaign.

Even some inside the administration share similar fears, said one necessarily anonymous official: “If we withdraw from the world, how can we justify the Mexican border wall?”