Attraction, Karezza, and Neuroplasticity

Submitted by windnbreezy on
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Hello Everyone,

I have two questions and would greatly appreciate any insight or anecdotes. I had a partner to whom I was initially attracted to physically. However, the emotional connection we had the better than anything I could have ever imagined. At first sex was good, because of the novelty. However, over time, I habituated and my porn addiction spiraled out of control. We broke up because of what I thought was the lack of attraction and then I read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. I also read the Brain that Changed Itself.

My questions are:

1. Are bonding practices powerful enough, to overcome lack of sexual attraction?
2. Is the brain neuroplastic enough to change what one finds attractive? Does anyone have an idea of how long it takes? What are its limits? Can you change your sexual orientation or have sexual desire for a morbidly obese person?

I want to win her back. But I don't want to hurt her again.

Thank you for your time.

PS: I'm 30 and she's 27.

I suspect yes

the power of bonding behaviors, especially without orgasm, is startling. I think you can do it. I think it would take maybe 3 weeks of daily bonding without orgasm to really be attracted. Just a guess based upon pretty limited experience. I've always felt attraction for my wife so I don't have experience with that part of your question so it's just a guess.

A resounding YES. I've had

A resounding YES. I've had several experiences where I was hanging out with someone who I really liked as a friend and then when we started doing bonding activities, an attraction grew. In all these cases, when the attraction waned somehow, I attributed it to the idea that I just wasn't really attracted to them because sexual attraction wasn't the initial spark. I also had a similar relationship to yours it sounds that also ended because I thought I just wasn't attracted to her, but I'm sure now if I had tried the bonding exchanges and stuck with them, the attraction would have grown. Those were all wonderful experiences and I wonder what I've missed. Sigh. Instead I spent 10 years in the worst relationship of my life because the sparks were flying from the moment we met and I was convinced that 'meant' we were 'supposed' to be together.

Bonding behaviors

are powerful. On the other hand, most morbid obesity is due to food addiction (David Linden's The Compass of Pleasure said, I think, that less than 10% of obesity is due to other causes). So your lady's food addiction (if any) is just as much a factor as any other addiction.

She's not morbidly obese

I was curious about the limits of neuroplasticity. Any other thoughts Marnia? Thanks to everyone for sharing and their wise words. I am asking about love without conditions. I have faith that such love is possible.


I've said it before, compatibility over chemistry. Chemistry does not automatically mean a successful long term relationship but good compatibility has a much better chance. Having great satisfying sex can be developed with a little communication and openness. I think chemistry is way over rated. Movies and the meda are always milking the chemistry angle and shoving it down our throats. No wonder we think chemistry is everything.

You know in some cultures a nice big heavy woman is far more desirable and thin women are not where its at. Perception, perceptiion.

If your heart is drawn to this woman and you're compatible then dont worry, your crotch will come along, especially if you take the bonding road with karezza.

The focus on

The focus on incompatibilities is a key limitation. I've noticed this more and more. Instead of jumping at the many compatible aspects, we focus on the incompatible aspects, often before we even know if they matter or who the other person really is. I've only said no when the incompatibilities clearly mattered and were sort of absolute in terms of my needs and her ability to change. However, I've been on both sides of a possible relationship where either one person rejected that exploration or neither really jumped in. On the one hand, it's sad. One the other, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that is as rash in their decision making. My new focus is on how can I bring mutual joy to these interactions. I'm going to have to learn to do that while keeping good boundaries.

I've only once experienced a real sense of chemistry. It didn't go anywhere other than that I care a lot about this person as a human. Maybe if it was more mutual, it could have been amazing. When I say chemistry, I'm not referring to sexual chemistry. I'm talking about identity, soul, etc.

Maybe people are scared to really test compatibility. It does seem that way at times. In the old days, people had less options because survival required help. Now, we're so helped, we're helpless.


I too agree that attraction can be grown. I am grateful that I stayed in my relationship and grew it. It's wonderful to have my partner by my best friend and feel attraction. I especially feel it when we are bonding and now at other times too.