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Monday, February 21, 2011

Nostalgia and Hormones

Do you ever wonder where you went? You ask yourself "where did the me go that used to drop money on a painting because it made me feel good?" or "where did the me go who was daring to try a new recipe with ingredients I hadn't even heard of?" or "where did the me go that just sat and listened to a new, whole cd that I was dying to hear?"

Sometimes I ask these things of myself. At times I feel like I am not the same person I was. I think of how different I was 10 years ago. 5. 3. Even 1. I liked different things: music, clothes, food. What happened to me?

I am still here. I am Morgan. I am the same person I have always been. My personality is the same, it is my likes and dislikes that have changed. I still adore music. I still enjoy trying new foods and recipes. I always have and always will like the basics when it comes to clothes.

My life is full of different things now. My focus has shifted. I have a husband, a toddler, a job, a house, another child on the way...what is important in my life has changed. I don't have the freedom to cruise the grocery aisles and think about what only I want. I can't spend money on a few drinks at the bar with friends when I feel like it. I can't just save up for 6 months and fly out to Seattle to visit family whenever I like.

For the most part, I don't miss that. Of course there are tiny moments when I would love to do any one of those things but I like my life now. I like the (semi) structure of it all. I have people who depend on me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. I am not defined by any one of those individually but they all combine to represent me as a whole.

I have nostalgic moments, like anyone else (and I'm sure listening to an old mix cd from college doesn't help,) but the moments are just that; nostalgia. I enjoy looking back and being sentimental and reminiscing on wonderful, beautiful times in my life because those memories have led to the shaping of who I am now. They are bits and pieces that I picked up along the way and fit into my heart and soul.

I feel like I may be starting to ramble a bit. I also feel like I haven't completely conveyed what Ireally want to say. I guess it's probably just my pregnancy hormones (almost 13 weeks!!) that are causing me to think about this, but I feel it's important to touch on sometimes. I hope someone out there understands what I'm trying to say!


LDH said...

I understand what you are trying to say, and I know how difficult it is to put those kinds of things in words.
However, I think you did a splendid job of it.
Life is full of transitions!

mommo4.5 said...

I understand. And I think you said it well. It's good food for thought.