A Copywriter’s Blog
My toothbrush is haunted. Ben Levy 24, June

Like the majority of the population, I have an electric toothbrush. I use it roughly twice a day, unless I feel really lazy around bedtime. It is a relatively simple device. It has only a single button on the handle. Press it once for faster, once for slower, and once for “off”.

This morning I finished brushing my teeth and pressed the button twice for slower/stop, while taking the brush out of my mouth. Toothpaste splattered my glasses. This is because the head of the brush never stopped spinning. Irritated, I pressed the button again. Still spinning. No speed change, and certainly no “off”. I tried a variety of things, such as pushing the button hard, pushing the button several times in quick succession, and pushing the button while really thinking about it. You know, cause maybe I wasn’t pressing it like I meant it.

I stood there a moment pondering the spinning brush. I could just leave it and go to work. But then the brush would win, and I felt the constant buzzing noise was beginning to take on a mocking tone. I tried holding the button down for 6 seconds to restart it. Still buzzing. I gave the device an exasperated glare. There were only two ways to properly affect any change in it. One was to press a button that was (I assume) stuck in the “pressed” position. The other was just to-

Hmmm. If Braun (makers of haunted toothbrushes) weren’t complete idiots, then when the brush has been placed on the stand to charge it will automatically….

Shut off. Genius Braun. Sheer genius. Except for the whole “malfunctioning device” part. Idiots.

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Yesterday I attempted to turn on the bathroom light. There was a fizzy pop, then the room became only a little less dark. Two of the three bulbs over the mirror were dead.

I have replaced nearly every light in my house with eco-friendly twisty bulbs (didn’t do it in the bathroom yet). Partially cause I like mother earth, and partially because the twistiness is a visual novelty to me. But as I stood there, in my towel, in the near-dark, I realized that eco-friendly lightbulbs are for pussies.

If you really want to save the environment, don’t replace any bulbs in your house at all. Sure twisty bulbs save energy, but you know what saves even more? No bulbs, that’s what. I took a shadowy shower that morning secure in the knowledge that not only had I won an environmental victory, but a victory for all lazy men as well. No more climbing up ladders to change lightbulbs. If your domestic partner doesn’t like it, accuse them of not doing their part to save the environment. And while they’re at it, they can get you a beer.

After all, the more you drink, the less energy the fridge has to expend cooling bottles.