Are You Too Good At Keeping Quiet?


Jono and I stood in the parking lot of the shopping plaza across from the beach with our 4- and 2-year old kids, cooler in hand, looking forward to getting home and putting the kids to sleep after washing the sand out of their hair. I squinted my eyes against the sun, thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me.

Our car wasn’t where we had parked it that morning.

Jono and my cousin who had come with us stood behind me. “They towed the car,” Jono said in disbelief. “They towed the car?” I repeated dumbly, still not believing what my eyes were seeing.


“This is my fault,” Jono said, shaking his head regretfully. “Yes it is,” I quickly responded. My frustration bubbled out before I could stop it. “But everyone makes mistakes.”




Now we were paying for it. Literally.

An hour later as we were driving home after paying for our towed car, our pockets $151 dollars lighter, my husband apologized for being presumptuous and causing our finances to be affected by his decision. I got over my feelings of irritation, but it reminded me of something that I often have to keep telling myself.

Don’t keep quiet.


Each of those times, I later realized that I should’ve stuck to my guns instead of playing the “submissive” wife.


Making your voice heard in your relationship is about more than just equality. It’s about the fact spouses are supposed to complement one another’s characters. There’s stuff you’re great at that your spouse needs your help with and vice versa. By keeping quiet, you’re robbing your relationship of the richness that comes when two people learn from each other and make each other better people.

Getting your car towed may not be a hill to die on for you, but there are other things that people keep quiet about that have more serious consequences. In our relationship Jono tends to be the homebody who likes to save money by-you guessed it-staying home. In fact, you can read about our tug-of-war over finances here. I like making memories, and sometimes that does involve spending money. Now, I’m not a crazy spender, but my husband grew up poor and the idea of us experiencing that gives him anxiety. But I can’t let that make me keep quiet. He knows how to go without and be content with what he has; I know how to have fun for cheap, and I’m not into having lots of stuff. Together we balance each other. He helps me not to go out of control when I go to the store, and I help him loosen up and enjoy life instead of just working all the time.

If I keep quiet and let him make us homebodies, I would be very unhappy, and that unhappiness would ripple into the rest of our family’s well-being. If he let me buy everything I want, he’d live in a constant state of worry and stress, trying to clean up after my (potentially) irresponsible spending decisions. That too would eat away at our relationship. Submission doesn’t mean keeping quiet. It means doing the work to get on the same page with one another.



So speak up.

P.S. I wrote an article a while back on what to do when your husband is doing things that damage your relationship and refuses to change. You can read it here. Remember to speak up! It may be the thing that saves your relationship (or you!).

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5 Things You Should Tell Your Spouse Every Day

1. Thank you. 
It’s so easy to focus on the things our spouses don’t do right, like leaving the toilet seat up or spending too much money. It’s easy to tell yourself that your spouse doesn’t appreciate you enough. But I’ve discovered that focusing on the positive aspects of your spouse can do wonders for your marriage. Make a list of 10 things your spouse has done in the past couple of days that you can thank them for. It can be as simple as saying thank you for putting out the garbage on time, or folding the laundry. The little things that keep your lives running smoothly are often easy to forget. So take the time to thank your spouse, and you’ll see that your interactions with one another will start taking on a more positive tone. 

2. I admire you because…
Your spouse needs to know that they inspire you to become a better person. Qualities like honesty, integrity, determination, and creativity should be applauded. Write down qualities about your spouse that you admire, and tell them why you admire those qualities. A note or a text telling them this will surely brighten their day and make them feel important. 

3. Would you like me to…?
Sometimes we focus on what we want from our spouse instead of what we can do for them. Is there a chore that you know your spouse particularly dreads doing? Is there a particular meal they like to eat or a show they enjoy watching? Do something nice for your spouse, not to get anything in return, but just for the sake of showing them that you care. Selfless acts do tend to come back to you, but don’t do them expecting things to change immediately. Do it for the sake of showing your spouse some love.

4. I was wrong. 
Showing humility is essential to a successful marriage. If you want to work out disagreements, this is one of the first steps. Being willing to admit your fault disarms your spouse’s anger and helps to diffuse the situation. It doesn’t make you a doormat, or weaken your position. It shows your spouse that your relationship is more important than winning an argument. 

5. You are beautiful (handsome).  
Whether you’ve been married for 20 years or 2, it’s nice to know that your spouse finds you physically attractive. So take some time out of your day to tell your spouse how attractive they are to you, that they still make your heart beat a little faster when they come around. 

Doing these things every day will go a long way to improving your overall communication with your spouse, because you're establishing habits of patience, gratitude, and forgiveness. Better communication also increases intimacy, both emotionally and physically. You can only gain from doing these exercises. Incorporate them one a time every week. As one becomes a habit, add