The Chance Of A Lifetime


We talk shit about Fox Business all the time, implying that they’re all drunken idiotic sluts but it’s the kind of ridicule that points to something deeper and darker, which is that we’re more or less obsessed with FBN. We cannot get enough of them with their gaffes and their pratfalls and their car wrecks and their discount 'hos. We are insatiable wantons for Rupert Murdoch’s business channel. “Love...soft as an easy chair...Love...fresh as the morning air...” does not even begin to describe how we feel. Every time Alexis Glick confuses Apple for Abu Dhabi, or Rebecca Gomez embarrasses herself in front of a bunch of prostitutes or Cody Willard’s breast pops out of his red dress, we want to bite them, but in a good way, like you want to bite a baby’s arm. Gnom gnom gnom. So, uh, anyway. It’s always been our dream to inject a little piece of ourselves in our idols, in the same way that, I don’t know, a Mets fan would want to carve his initials into a seat in Shea Stadium, or a porn enthusiast on the bed post featured in Backdoor Sluts 9. But we never actually thought the opportunity would arise. Until ten minutes ago.
We just learned the cost to buy a 30-second spot on FBN runs from $250-$900, depending on when it airs. That's right, folks-- for only slightly more than the total amount Cody managed at his hedge fund, you can achieve Foxtastic glory for 30 seconds to the delight of 6,300 or so of your closest friends. Here's the rub: While $250 is pequeno dinero, it's about twice Dealbreaker's budget and 3x Blarney's annual take home, so we can't afford both the ad and the production budget. You idiots are going to have to start manning up and doing your part -- I can't do everything around here. You: Make a video and send it to us. We: Pick the best and our publisher will send it to Fox's ad sales team. They: Either a) air it, and earn you a piece of quasi-immortality along such leading FBN lights as Fat Boy Cavuto; or b) shitcan it, and we'll reprint a transcript and audio clip of how Fox, who would blow a goat for a few extra shekels, all of a sudden got all 'integrity' on us. Either way, this shit is about to get heavy.