Sunday, April 01, 2012

Day 149

That's how many days it has been since I have had any time by myself, and let me tell you, it's really getting to me. I just want to have some peace and quiet for cripes sake. Yesterday I was in the bathroom *relaxing* and BigD is yelling 'where are you' and when I yelled back (a little more irritated than I probably should have been) that I was in the bathroom, he followed up with 'are you okay'. Good god man, I'm pooping okay? LEAVE ME ALONE.

On most weekends the boys come home and now they bring their girls with them. I am bitching about my kids coming home. How horrid am I??? I LOVE having them here, but with BigD not working and his retirement checks are much smaller than his paychecks were, the cost of feeding seven people is huge. Not to mention the continuously empty hot water tank from endless showers, dish-washing, laundry (they do their own but with my machine), the uptick in electric use, needing the heat in the house turned up because someone is whining they are cold (while someone else is opening a window because they are hot)......and the list goes on and on. BigD won't eat anything that is considered take-out, even veggie pizza with minimal cheese so ordering in usually isn't an option so that means trying to make enough food that there is at least one thing that every person will eat. Difficult, time consuming and expensive. When I suggest that they all go out to eat nobody wants to go citing cost (really? hmmmmm) and they eat out during the week and want to eat mom's cooking. Veiled compliments. My cooking is not outstanding, it's more likely they are cheap.

So as I mentioned BigD has been home now for 149 days. He is looking for work but with his credentials there aren't too many places to go except for some gov't agency or security at a corporate level and guess what......hey aren't jumping on hiring a 57 year old. Imagine that. So, as of midnight last night we have NO health insurance. It's insane. We still have a 22 year old and 17 year old that are likely to need medical attention (the 17 year old has to go to the doc tomorrow because I looked at his sore throat today and it sure looks like strep to me). This same 17 year old plays sports and we have never gotten through a season of anything without an injury that needs at least one x-ray or round of physical therapy. Not to mention the fact that BigD had heart surgery 130 days ago. (He recovered faster than most cases of flu. No shit.) Technically he is very healthy and is doing great but it's still scary and nauseating to think that something like that could happen now with no coverage and it would be a financial nightmare to pay for.

The worst thing of all is him being home. every. single. day. We had a MAJOR blowout a couple of weeks ago. I came completely unglued after three ten hour days at work (I literally am on my feet the entire time except for lunch) and came home to him sitting on his ass (daily routine to that point) playing word games on his phone. The dishwasher was full of clean dishes, laundry was stacked up the entire height of the washer, dog hair everywhere that needed to be vacuumed...etc etc etc. I gently asked him if he felt him the benefit of the doubt since he is not working, had surgery etc it would be understandable. Unfortunately for him he said with a smile "No, not at all. I feel great". That was the final stab. I lost it.

I asked if he had any idea how hard it is for me to work long hours and come home and have to do 100% of everything on the home front while he sits on his fucking phone all day. He got defensive, I got louder. He had the nerve to tell me that HE has worked all these years. I had to remind him that I worked AND raised three boys, AND kept us all afloat on our incomes, AND taken care of everything on the homefront all at the same time. He said that my *job* was easy and he would have traded with me. That's when I said a huge FUCK YOU and the gloves came off. S3 heard lots of things he shouldn't have heard. Am I proud of it? No. Am I sorry? No. All of my points were entirely valid and I am not one to say something I don't mean in the heat of the moment. I mean every word. He is a very mean, belittling arguer bringing up digs and insults that have nothing to do with the situation. BigD later told S3 that he and I both said things we didn't mean. I later told S3 that I meant every word. He smiled. He sees what his dad is and isn't doing and is learning great lessons from it. All of the boys have witnessed the inequity in the responsibilities and are well aware they need to be better husbands. If I haven't done anything else in life that I am proud of, raising my boys to be good husbands is one thing I can put a check mark by.

So for the past two weeks since the fight I have come home to the dishwasher being unloaded and reloaded (the wrong way but I rearrange because that's not a battle I want to have--but seriously, why doesn't he realize they go back in he same places they came out of??), the bed has actually been stripped twice (no clean sheets on the bed because he didn't know where they were-----same closet for the last 20 years ) and there is other evidence that for at least an hour out of the ten I am gone he has done something other than play games. It's a start.

I just really really really want the house to myself for an entire day. I am a simple woman. Let me watch a movie or a show on my very full DVR without comments like "this is a stupid show" or "that would never happen" or "why do you watch this show?". Yeah. They must be worse than the one with turtle catching man, that he watches marathons of....sigh. We have more TV's in this house than we should, yet everyone congregates in my home office to watch. I told BigD last night that I was going to watch a show I had recorded and got all of the above comments before the first commercial. It really wrecks the flow of my focus on whatever I am watching when I hear snickers, mumbled comments, and I can actually feel eye rolls. Yes. Yes I can.

I made myself a deal. When BigD lands his next gig, and I have a for certain date that will be his first day gone, I am taking the day off to celebrate. Alone.


Tina said...

Come visit me. We can shoot things. And if you get sick up here I will say you're my mom and you will get our wonderful health insurance.

Tina said...


Gil said...

Dear baby Jesus, I think I would have decked him at the comments about how hard he's worked all these years. Wow. /boggle

I am glad to hear that your sons see and recognize the difference; knowing how it SHOULD be is half the battle. Like you are raising your sons to be good husbands, I'm raising my daughter to EXPECT her husband to chip in. Otherwise... yeah, there's the door buddy.

I'm a tad demanding. Meh. C'est la vie. Good on you for sticking up for what YOU need.

P.S.: Crossing fingers that insurance isn't needed anytime soon.

Deathstar said...

I am so glad you spoke up for yourself - good for you! Can I come with you and Tina to shoot things?

Might I suggest the boys (who are able to) pitch in a few dollars when they come and visit? Except do it in front of DH? No need to continue to shoulder the role of the finance police by yourself. They are used to you having to sacrifice for them, now it's time for a little payback in light of the circumstances. (Or else, it's pasta, pasta, pasta.)

I'm fortunate in that DH would never dream of sitting on his butt if I were the one working all the time. Of course, he has no problem letting me know when I don't do enough.

preppyplayer said...

Some times we need a big blow out to "clean" the air.
Sounds like he is getting it...
Doors close and others open. I have a feeling something will come in for him but not if he is sitting on the couch.
Facebook, linked in, temp agencies, coffee with old friends or colleagues that is how they do it these days- he has to get on it as you NEED insurence. ( I know I dont have to tell you.)

He may need your help structuring himself- this is new to him AND you are the fixer! LOL
Keep on Keeping on!

Anonymous said...

My husband worked for 34 years and retired and is beside himself to work some more, of course in those 34 years we were also married had a baby girl she is almost 35 and gone on her own, I worked and worked even when she was little, she fell at a babysitters place many stiches, I worked in a er of a VA hospital that was the last for a good long while I worked 12 hour shifts and no I am not a nurse or doctor..then I babysat babies, scrubbed peoples homes, worked when our daughter was at school in the same school, scrimped and saved every dime..He did not want to retire the job was impossible so he did, glad he did the union reduced most pensions almost 30 percent and social security your check is one month behind..He is good to me, but I still do all the housework, work a full time job, but he treats me like a Queen always has being the oldest of 9 children & a dad who was always missing in action or just never there, deserted his family and kids, oh my if it were not for my hubby most would have starved plus no clothes anything, so I spoil him rotten and never ask him to do one da-- thing he had to be the man in his own home by age of 9 and never complained a perfect gentlemen, no comment on his siblings only one married the rest had kids no marriages and affected by many illness, drugs, etc..always in trouble and most never worked, he is the best of the huge lot of kids, his mother thought my hubby her personal valet and grocer, he felt sorry for her and always was good to her, but it took a big toll on our marriage, I just figured she had no one but my hubby and never put up a lot of fuss, why could I!? came from a somewhat similar background, only thing of it was my momma died and then my daddy took to drink and left our lives, big family too, learned early to work and work hard and save every dime to live the life I I guess each person has to live what they think best..Hope you do get some time alone and to yourself you so so so need it..Love your blog...just saying!!!!!!!!!!!! happy passover and happy is still cold and shivering here, worst rain in march since recorded weather records here and snow too..yukkkk!

Jen Anderson said...

When I worked in an office at a job I disliked, every morning, I'd ask my husband to stay home and play hooky with me. Once I started working at home? Not once.

As the weather warms up, you should send him outside and tell him it's so you don't kill him. Hopefully, his sense of self preservation will kick in.

Anonymous said...

I wish my husband would move out some days. No, really, just SOME of the days. Like six out of seven?

Yo-yo Mama

Anonymous said...

We had a sunny day yesterday, everyone mowed their lawns that could, I walked for about 2 miles and then some..picked some beautiful daffodils and tulips are pushing it was stormy and raining like the dikens...My hubby got a job he can be happy, no lifting bending or working late shifts..he will love it..Our 4 cats are spoiled, I am to be on a vacation and get rid of crap we accumulated in over 34 years of living in our small home, yeah, but mostly by myself, hubby will be at work, yippee skippee, then some reading and some resting, I am so happy I could jump out of my skin!!!!!!!!! Wishing you some free time to rest and relax, you so so deserve it indeedy! Happy Hoppy Easter it is cold and wet as usual, your blog is so wonderful..ciao!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh boy, I hear your pain! My situation is much less dire - one adult kid now on the other side of the country (don't have to feed him but sure do miss him), and hubby got fired 3 months ago. Didn't see it coming. We are now buying our own health insurance - expensive (Massachusetts - having to have insurance does keep cost down, and we could choose a less expensive plan if we have to). I work three days/week, picking up more time is not an option, for various reasons. We had about three weeks that were chaotic in the beginning, then a bumpy week of near constant arguing, and then found a routine. He makes a list every day of what he has to do (job search items, and household stuff), and he keeps a routine (up to the gym on wkdays - cardiac issues - exercise a MUST), keeps a journal, etc. He's learning to at least THINK about where supper comes from, and can do some cooking if I set it up and talk him thru it. On weekends, not much job search activity, more doing stuff like we did on weekends when he was working - all with less money to spend, of course. He tries to 'get it' that I need my space and quiet time, and sometimes i just stay up too late cuz i enjoy the peace and quiet when he has gone to bed. I hope you can figure out a way to restructure tasks/meals or the stress may make YOU sick or you may kill someone! Yes, your boys are learning a lot in what they observe - but some direct discussion about helping out with your household expenses or chores if they are there every weekend seems reasonable, in the circumstances. Maybe potluck meals, or let everyone bring their own supper and just eat together at your table. Or maybe they can chip in and take you and hubby out to a meal on the weekend - not fancy, but all together and not cooked by YOU. Hard to let go of being mom, i know.

Unknown Mami said...

Oh honey, you so need a break. He has no idea what he's talking about when he says he would have trades places with you. I'm lucky because my husband has to take over once a week and just that one day makes him beg me to call in sick. You need to carve out at least one hour a week where everyone and I mean EVERYONE leaves you alone. And if they all want to eat your cooking then they better be cleaning up afterwards. Seriously, you need to start putting yourself first. You deserve it and you are going to lose your mind otherwise.

Jade said...

My goodness!!!! I would lose it! I am the type that likes at least 30 min alone each day just to... Whatever that happens to look like.

I sure do hope you can find a way to escape and get some you time. Maybe a spa day?

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