Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I Am Marrying Into Islam - And Why That's Awesome In Malaysia

There, I said it.

Enough is enough. I'm tired of waiting, lying to myself and the people around me, wistfully hoping the world will change in time for the truth to grow more palatable. The revelation has to come out, sooner or later. No point in delaying anymore, is there?

Yes, I'm marrying into Islam. Oh, come on, don't look so shocked. Everyone who knows me well should've seen it coming. I'm tired of explaining, but I will explain anyway, just to shut everyone up, show them I'm not crazy and beyond the point of no return, and lay the matter to rest once and for all.

1. The Holy Trinity Doesn't Make Any Bloody Sense

Yes, I was baptized at birth in a Catholic Church. Most people think Christianity is monotheistic i.e. the belief of One God. But the truth is more complex than that. Christians believe in the Trinity. That is to say, God exist in three different entities. Why? 'Cause the Nicene-Constantinopolitan Creed says so:
"We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all that is seen and unseen...
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son..."

God has a Son? Father and Son as one being? And who's this mysterious Holy Spirit playing third wheel? Three-in-one instant coffee mix powder, I can understand (coffee, milk and sugar each don't pretend to be one of the same thing). Three-in-one God? How is 1+1+1=1? Sorry, can't brain this.

I'm not alone here. During the third to fourth century, many scholars had argued that Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit were not equal to God, and were roundly arrested and executed for their troubles (which was the proper way to settle debates in those days).

Well, I'm not buying into the coffee=milk=sugar equation. Farewell, Christianity!

The Holy Trinity, in a (hazel)nutshell.

2. From Islam, With Love

It's tough being a man, nowadays. Most chicks only go for good looks and money, both of which I lack in abundance. It's tough even to attract my own kind. Chinese chicks are increasingly gravitating towards white dudes, all thanks to the Chris Hemsworth effect (looks - again!) and the foreign exchange advantage (money - again!). I just can't keep up, you know? I can't afford to spend hours in the gym and spend my hard-earned salary on fancy dinners and designer bags. Well, screw them. I want to be loved for who I am.

So who's within my reach and means? A simple, conservative lady. One who doesn't go for material, transient things. One sees the beauty in the spiritual side of things. How about conservative Christians then? Um, no thanks. Don't trust their kind anymore. They don't practice what they preach. Priests molesting kids. God-fearing Christian ladies down south in America along the Bible Belt dripping saliva (and maybe more) over 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'. Husbands cheating on wives, wives divorcing husbands. A pastor siphoning monies collected from the congregation to pay off his wife's commercial music career. Yikes!

A Muslim lady - that's the way to go. They're submissive, don't mind wrapping themselves head to toe with thick black garb. And hey, if one misses the mark, I can still marry three more! Oh, and I read somewhere how they're not allowed to refuse their husband's sexual advances, and if they do, it's a valid ground for divorce. How awesome is that? Islam rocks!

City Harvest Church of Singapore's industrious efforts to spread the Good Word of the Lord to the secular masses

3. The Perks And Privileges Of Being Muslim In Malaysia

People are going to say that there are lots of sacrifices to be made, being a Muslim. Well, haters gonna hate. I've gone through the cost-benefit analysis, okay? I know what I'm getting into.

Let's go through the cons:
  • Don't touch dogs: Fine by me. I love cats. They chase away the rats. They are super lazy - which is great, 'cause so I am, and I don't have to bother taking them out for walks.
  • Don't gamble: I don't gamble much, anyway. The house always win. I'm not a sucker for casinos.
  • Don't indulge in usury (i.e. riba): Who says I'm constrained from investing? Islamic banking, baby! Trust lawyers to find loopholes around poorly written ancient rules.
  • Don't drink alcohol: Hmm... Tough one. But I see loads of my Muslim friends drinking. Maybe a sip or two is pardonable. Maybe exceptions can be made for birthdays, anniversaries, corporate networking events, wedding dinners, cocktail receptions, Friday nights...
  • Don't eat pork: There's chicken. There's fish. There's beef. There's lamb. I'll live.

And now the pros:
  • Financial perks: Muslims in Malaysia get all kinds of preferential treatment - reserve land ownership, cheap educational loans, housing subsidies, etc.
  • Bright future in politics: Muslim converts in Malaysia always seem to hit the headlines. It's like Darth Vader turning to the Light Side. All buzz and hype. Parliament, here I come!
  • Four wives: FOUR WIVES! 1+1+1+1=4! FOUR WIVES!
  • Long Friday lunch breaks: Finally! No need to wake up super early for Sunday morning masses! Now I can take 2.5 hour long lunch breaks every Friday instead! #TGIF #sembahyangsebelumdisembahyangi
  • Divine immunity: Now no one can insult my religion anymore. We stand above criticism and satire. Insidious heretics and trouble-makers will be thrown behind bars, where they rightfully belong. No one messes with the One True God Who Shalt Not Be Named, you hear me?


Everything Is Awesome!

I've never been this happy before. Repent to the One True God Who Shalt Not Be Named, I shall. Finally, I've seen the Error of my Ways.

My only regret is not appreciating the awesomeness of being a Malaysian Muslim much earlier. I'm not there yet - classes to attend, rites to be read, forms to be filled. And I'm still searching for the first of my four wives (any takers, pm please). But soon enough, any day now, my spirit will soar into the Gates of Righteousness.

I am truly blessed. I feel reborn. For once in my life, everything is awesome!

* * *

And to all my brothers and sisters - in heaven and on earth - I wish to you all:



  1. This is awesome Raphael and btw, we don't drink alcohol at all. We can't and we shouldn't. It takes time to do that. Welcome brotha!

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  5. There's so many flaws in your article and opinions if I'm being honest. Firstly, marrying 4 wives are extremely rare in Malaysia, we don't do that shit. Secondly, a if you're a Malaysian Muslim, the Bumiputra privileges still doesn't apply to you, it applies to muslim Malays and other Native tribe like Iban or something. If this story is bullshit on April fools day then.. well I didn't see that coming, if this story is true that you join Islam and acknowledge the bullshit you just wrote up there. Well..Congratulations you just played yourself.

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  8. Wish you could open up not to women only, but men too bro.

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