


Dear Ted Cruz,

You’re welcome to shut the fuck up now. We won’t be patrolling Muslim neighborhoods in this country, Teddy. What an insanely stupid thing to suggest in a country that has a goddamned constitutional amendment to prevent government’s involvement in religious affairs. I’d love to say that I’m shocked by someone claiming to be in favor of small government calling for stormtroopers roaming our streets, keeping people of one group under the thumb of said small government, but I’d also like to own my home free and clear and be the starting third baseman for my beloved Los Angeles Dodgers, so yeah…no surprise here.

I wonder, Senator Cruz, just how keen you’d be on me suggesting that we monitor Christian neighborhoods in the south? After all, the Ku Klux Klan is still considered a domestic terror group, right? They are radical Christians, Teddy, and therefore I would assume by your logic you’d be absolutely cool as shit with us profiling Christians because of the acts of a small minority of them right? How would you feel, I wonder, if after the Oklahoma City bombing some Democrat had come on the TV and insisted we have to put law enforcement on special patrols in areas where we know gun ownership and NRA membership is higher than average?

It scares me to no end that you’re the sadistic asshole waiting in the shadows as the GOP’s backup plan. If Trump is cancer, you are AIDS because literally nearly no one in your party really likes you. But Trump is such a toxic turd that the establishment has no other recourse then to throw in with you, apparently. But your suggestion of Muslim neighborhood surveillance isn’t any less extreme than Trump’s own anti-Muslim rhetoric. What’s the difference between not letting any Muslims into the country and then just keeping 24/7 surveillance on them when they get in?

The answer is “nothing.”

There is no difference between what has come out of Donald’s mouth and what has come out of yours, Senator No One Likes You. It’s just that unlike Trump, you’re a seasoned, greased-up politician. So you’ve been highly trained to use the dog whistles that he simply eschews. In the final analysis though, you’re both proposing religious-based profiling. You’re both essentially arguing that being Muslim means someone is innately more suspicious than another. And in fact the effect of your ideas, were they to be put into place, would essentially be to setup a situation where the Islamic faith is a lesser but equal religion in America.

Does that sound familiar to anyone else?

Look, Rafaelito,  I’m not even religious. I’m one of those kooky bastards that chooses to live my life focused on what I can prove and verify rather than going purely on faith. But even I understand the true wisdom of the First Amendment. The founders were flawed as anyone could be, and they certainly didn’t create a perfect piece of legal documentation, but one thing they got incredibly right is the danger that religion can pose to civil society when people’s imaginary friends start fighting with each other.

Teddy, the irony here is really that you and the Taliban or ISIS aren’t really that different. You’re both dead convinced your God is the one, true God (even though you guys literally worship same flavors of the same holy Kool-Aid). You’re both willing to use extreme measures to vanquish your enemies, and while they’re willing to use suicide bombs and hijack planes to kill civilians, you’re content to use carpet bombs to do essentially the same thing.

You have no moral high ground to stand on Ted. You wield your faith like a weapon. Women’s sexual autonomy is attacked by your religious convictions, for instance. And considering how much vitriol and anti-Muslim rhetoric you’ve spewed, you’re really no different than Donald. Just a slightly less obtuse, but probably even scarier version of the bewigged bastard.

So please, take this as your cue to shut the fuck up. I know you won’t. But no one ever accused you of putting your love of your own voice second to the good of the country, and I highly doubt we’ll start any time soon.

Shut up, Teddy,


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