Tuesday, February 3, 2009


There are definitely times when mothering is a crock of shit. And while it is not generally described as such, it is an incredibly appropriate description. Maybe it is more extreme today because I was/am trying to be so mindful of how much I can hear and how much I would miss if I couldn't hear, but it just is overwhelmingly sucky right now. C. is sick, lying on the sofa and whining until he falls asleep (and its amazing how demanding a whine can be). The younger one is now asleep but the fifteen minutes of nursing seriously depleted my ability to be mindful. REALLY. fuck all y'all. I want to run away and just stay there. It is snowing now and I think I am going to go crazy if school is cancelled for tomorrow, I just can't bear the idea of all being stuck again....I don't think that I can look around at my house with any more feeling of disgust or burden than I am doing right now. There is nothing that I look at that does not bespeak some task left undone or some failing of the mother. Laundry, which sometimes makes me feel productive, is a pile of other people's dirty clothing today. Maybe I'll get one pair of clean underwear from the work. If lucky. WHoopee. I jsut don't feel the brevity and light of my Self right now. I wish the pendulum would swing less wildly.
***Loki and Thor added post-posting, the two sides of the issue. . . superhero and foil, brothers, sort-of...