Sunday, June 9, 2019

1st 5 Pages June Workshop - Kells Rev 1

Name: KD Kells
Genre: Young Adult fantasy/gothic fantasy
Title: The Witch Maid

It was too early to be up. Mama always said a lady shouldn’t rise before nine and the sun hadn’t yet pierced the coal smog hanging over town, but here I was, hugging myself against the cold autumn morning on a stranger’s doorstep. And not just any stranger’s – Lady Black’s. I sucked in a deep breath and knocked.

Rows of darkened windows encrusted with cobwebs glowered back at me as I waited. Maybe no one was home. Maybe they’d all died. It was possible – I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had seen Lady Black in person. If it hadn’t been for the bottles gleaming with fresh milk on the step, and the letter in my pocket, I could almost have convinced myself to turn around.

No, the family was just private, as all the best families were. Papa had said that was why there were so many rumours about them. Jealous lies spread by people without proper breeding. Would he have been so dismissive if could see me running to Lady Black for help?

Overgrown plants engulfed the garden between the house and the tall wall, their dead vines winding up the crumbling turrets above me. Something twitched in the bushes to the side of the door as I leaned to peer in the window, sending my heart racing. It had been a long time since I’d believed in anything as childish as magic or flying broomsticks — I was practically sixteen after al[KD1] l — but as the wind whistled through the cobwebs, it wasn’t Papa’s words that filled my head. It was the other whispers.

“I heard she grinds up the bones of babies to use in spells.” Patty had insisted one lunchtime. The teachers were at the other side of the dining room, but she’d kept her voice low. “That’s how she’s still alive. They say she’s over 200 years old!”

“I heard she captures the souls of any young men that wander too close to her estate. That’s why there’s no eligible bachelors in town.” Melody agreed.

“I heard she’ll make you a love potion for five pence, but they only work on the boys you don’t like.”

“I heard her daughter ran off with a demon.”

“I heard she has a black cat.” Jacinta had said as she drowned her roast beef with gravy. When her opinion was met with silence, she looked up. “What?”

“Oh Cinny, owning a cat doesn’t make you a witch.”

“A black one does. They’re bad luck you know.”

We’d all burst into peals of laughter, and Miss Bloom had scolded us for being so unladylike. But that had been before, when I’d had friends and a future...

No, I couldn’t let my mind go down that path. I had a job to do and there was no use moping around. This was life now, suck it up as my sister, Liliana, would say. I took a steadying breath and tried the bell, pulling hard on the rusted chain. The sound echoed through the house, far longer than it should have. How many rooms must there be inside? Dark despair threatened to swallow me just thinking about it.

Without warning, the door swung open. A woman stood there wearing a flour-spattered apron and wielding a wooden spoon. I hadn’t heard any footsteps, how had she got there so quietly?

She was shorter than me, though that wasn’t hard, with arms muscled from a lifetime of hard work, and grey hair tucked in a braid under a colourful kerchief. This was not what I had expected of Lady Black. She should have been someone refined and elegant, someone befitting the largest estate in Sinwillow, even if it was a run-down old wreck.

“Yes? What is it you want? I am in middle of making vatrushka!” The woman demanded.

Not Lady Black then. Her voice was thick with an accent I couldn’t place and I’d certainly never heard of...what had she said again? Vatrushka? In all the rumours, there’d never been one about Lady Black having foreigners in her house. That would have been intriguing in itself, Sinwillow wasn’t exactly known for being a hive of immigrants.

“I’m Evie... um, Evelyn. Wilkins.” Drats. Mama would be so disappointed if she’d heard that. It was uncouth to introduce oneself with a nickname. Well, I supposed it wasn’t like it mattered anymore, we’d lost our claim to being genteel along with everything else. When the woman shot me a blank look, I had to add, “the new maid?”

“Oh yes, yes, Adeline said new girl comes today.”

The woman’s dark eyes bored into me down that hooked nose, taking in every detail of my appearance. My last good dress, the one that brought out the green in my muddy eyes, felt like a rag under the scrutiny. At least my hair was behaving today. I’d tamed the thick brown mess into two braids at the base of my neck. Liliana had even lent me a hat for the occasion, and all in all, I’d thought I was rather presentable under the circumstances until the woman tsked loudly.

“No, no good. You are too skinny. We will have to fatten you up.”

Liliana would have laughed herself silly at that suggestion, I’d never been accused of being too skinny in my life, not next to the slender willow of my sister. I was more like our father – tall, solid, and prone to freckles over my nose. Yet another reason to be grateful for this job, it was far enough away from home that Mama wouldn’t have to look at me every day and see him.

“Come then, Adeline want to see you.” The woman strode off down the hallway.

I took one last look down the hill, at the town below and my old life. I could still turn and run, go back to school and... and then what? No, this was the only way if I wanted to protect my family. The door thudded behind me with a thunderous finality.

“My name is Ludmila, you call me Mila. I am the cook,” the woman said as she led me through a labyrinth of rooms. The house had that closed, mildewy smell of being shut up for too long, and everything was covered with a thick film of dust, even the gas light fittings. There was no way one old woman and her cook had use for such an impossible number of rooms. What a waste of space, especially when Mama and Liliana were crammed into a tiny single room back in town.

“You not bring much with you.” Ludmila gestured at the small case in my hand.

“Oh. I guess I didn’t think I would need to.” That much was true. My uniform, bedding, shoes, all that would be provided by Lady Black. I didn’t want to tell this woman that pretty much everything else I owned was in the case. There hadn’t been much left to pack after the move, and so many things had been sold off.

“Smart girl. Not good to form unnecessary attachments. Ah, here we are.”

Ludmila stopped so suddenly I almost crashed into her. The black door at the end of the hall was just like every other one we’d passed – the only difference was the doorknob looked like it had actually been polished in the last fifty years. I had absolutely no idea where we were, the house was like a rabbit warren.


  1. This version is way better than the first. I was a little confused the first time I read it, but this time everything makes perfect sense. I feel more connected to Evie. I want to know why her family fell from grace. Also, the build up about Lady Black is good. I almost feel like you don't need all of the rumors. Maybe just two or three would be enough. I definitely want to know more about her, though.

    1. Thanks Susan. The last three rumours tie back in to the story, but I feel like they're a little dark to dive straight in to at the beginning of a gossip fest. I'll have a think.

  2. Hi KD!

    The beginning part reads stronger without those first two paragraphs. We get into the story right away, and although I liked the first paragraph for its prose, ultimately, this is better in the long run. Nicely done!

    The description of the house improved this version exponentially. I’m able to follow along so much better now.

    The only criticism I can offer here is going to sound nit-picky, so forgive me. (You’re making my job as a critique partner difficult!) You do such a great job describing the outside of the house, but once Evie goes inside, we don’t get an equal feel of the ambiance. We smell the mildew, see the dust, but that’s it. Do the floors creek as she walks on them? Old pictures on the wall? It’s a small add-on, but honestly, your work’s pretty solid as it is. I’d keep reading if I had more!

    1. Thanks Kim, you're making me blush!
      Literally the next page goes in to a lot more description of the house, maybe it needs to come quicker?

    2. Ah! If that's the case, then I think you'll be fine. I just wanted to make sure you had that base covered. But since you do, it's all good. :)

  3. This is an excellent revision. There is no longer any confusion about what is happening and we cut right to the meat of the story. There is a real sense of foreboding about the house and who or what might be inside it. Maybe add to that that a little with some description of the house once she gets in. What does the varushka make the house smell like? Is it clean or dusty? Are the curtains open, letting in sunlight, or closed to keep things dim?

    Also, once she's inside, it would be good to have a little more from Evie in terms of how she feels about being in the house. Is it a relief to finally be there after thinking about it for weeks? Is it as bad as she imagined it would be, or is it disappointingly ordinary?

    1. Thanks Kate. I worry that putting too much in at the beginning slows getting to the meeting with Lady Black. There is description of the room she's about to enter coming up right after the cut off. Good point about putting some more of Evie's feelings in.

  4. Hi KD,

    I really enjoyed reading your revision. Felt like the changes to the beginning made it much clearer to follow of where she was (I miss the demon reference but I know I'm in the minority on that one!). Good details and I like the little mentions of fatten up and not having unnecessary attachments. Reminds me of Hansel and Gretel and if there's something dark planned for Evie.

    In terms of developing, I agree with the details of the interior and of Evie's journey through the house and with Susan's point about the number of rumours. Do you need the friends in that section or would just the rumours be enough?

    Really great start though and really looking forward to reading the pitch too so I can see where it is going.

    1. Hi Prentis, thanks for your feedback! I miss the beginning too (for what it's worth, I ran a Twitter poll and you're in with the majority of people who told me I was mad to cut it).

    2. Haha, that's good to read. It does go to show how varied people' opinions are and how there is no one way. It's still really good to no fear (and it can always come back!).

  5. Great job KD!! I think this is so much better! The first several paragraphs is much tighter in terms of pacing and getting us into the house.

    I know you miss the demon reference ... it might work now that it's restructured to have the witches/broomsticks a few paragraphs down. Or if those aren't integral to the story (specifically witches vs demons) maybe consider cutting that part and adding the demon lines back in? I think that's where I struggled most.

    Also a random, nitpicky thing. It seems the last half has this structure of single line of dialogue/paragraph/single line of dialogue/paragraph ... I'm wondering if there is a way to vary that more? Maybe not, but it's something I noticed this go around.

    1. Thanks Nikki. I'm glad it's reading better.

      I hadn't noticed the dialogue/para/dialogue thing before and now I can't unsee it - oh dear!

  6. Hi KD! Great job on the revisions!

    I know you feel you are getting conflicting advice as to whether to cut or keep that first part about the demons. I wanted to say that this is your story. You should always do what feels right to you for the story. Critique is just suggestions. You take what resonates with you and use it. If it doesn’t keep it in mind for later revisions if needed. Always go with your heart.

    With that said, I have a few thoughts. And remember that they are just my opinions and others may feel differently. You may feel differently.

    This paragraph has many long sentences. You may wish to revise it. It felt clunky as I read it.
    [Overgrown plants engulfed the garden between the house and the tall wall, their dead vines winding up the crumbling turrets above me. Something twitched in the bushes to the side of the door as I leaned to peer in the window, sending my heart racing. It had been a long time since I’d believed in anything as childish as magic or flying broomsticks — I was practically sixteen after all — but as the wind whistled through the cobwebs, it wasn’t Papa’s words that filled my head. It was the other whispers.] Also, can wind whistle through cobwebs? I can picture the wind whistling through cracks in the wood, but not in cobwebs. Maybe it’s just me. I’d think the cobwebs would flutter/sway/ripple/I don’t know in the wind.

    There’s a lot of “I heard(s)” going on in the exchange with the girls. Is there a way to mix that up or maybe cut a few? It felt too much and felt echo-y.

    I would’ve liked to get a view of the inside of the house and its atmosphere as she entered. Remember reaction is immediate. When you encounter something, you should have an immediate thought, smell, touch, sense of it. What you see is immediate too. You mentioned above that the descriptions come into play later. I’d say you should move them up. You had also mentioned that you’d worried that it would bog down the action and take longer to meet Lady Black. I believe it would build anticipation if you used the right sensory details and descriptions. Every word used to descript the outside and inside of the house should reflect how Evie feels in this scene.

    This of course is nitpicking and I’m just offering suggestions to help deepen the atmosphere and point of view of your story. You’re doing a wonderful job!

    1. Hi Brenda, thanks for your feedback. Nitcpicking is good! I know it's the little stuff that will take me that last 10%.

      I am torn about the opening but I think I need to sit on it for a while to make up my mind so I'm not just making an emotional reaction to wanting to keep it.

      I think I'm mostly worried because it seems like a big build up to meeting Lady Black which isn't the inciting incident, and I know you need to hook people with that as soon as possible.