I have a dream

To be Kate Beckinsale’s OnStar agent. I could call her up while she is driving just to tell her how hot she is and to make sure she is driving safely so her hotness remains intact.

But since I live in reality this is how I could imagine my life would be with OnStar.

The following is not a real conversation between an OnStar client (me) and an Onstar agent (Winona).

Winona: OnStar, this is Winona, how may I help you?

Mr. Shife: Ahhhhh. I pooped. I couldn’t find a bathroom and I shit all over the car. Ah hell, this is disgusting.

Winona: Sir just remain calm and I can help you through this.

Mr. Shife: I can’t stay calm. There is poop everywhere. It is in my hair. On my knee. In my ear. In between my toes. Why did I wear flip flops today? Oh, I am just going to drive off a bridge.

Winona: Don’t do that. Just pull over and we can send help. You hang in there buckaroo.

Mr. Shife: How can you help? Did you not understand me? I shit all over the car. There are pieces of shit everywhere. Tiny pieces. Big pieces. All over the car. Maybe you could have helped before I shit, or if the shit had been contained within the confines of my pants but now it is everywhere.

Winona: It is going to be alright sir.

Mr. Shife: Ahhhhh. Oh my God. Ahhhh. Sweet Jesus. A little bit just got in my mouth. Oh this is horrible. I just tasted my own poop. Oh this is the worst thing ever. God kill me now. Please drive a railroad spike through my face.

Winona: Sir can you pull over?

Mr. Shife: Yeah.

Winona: Just try to remain calm sir and pull over. Help is on the way.

Mr. Shife: Unless you can pull a Superman and fly around the Earth to reverse time or you have a time machine that can take me back in time to when times were simpler and I was not covered in poo then there is no help for me. Goodbye.

Winona: Sir don’t go. Please stay on the line.

Mr. Shife: Goodbye OnStar lady. Thanks for trying to help me but I am trapped in a prison. On the planet bull shit. In the galaxy of this sucks camel dicks.


Phats said…
haha this absolutely hilarious!! love it

Good luck to the Vandals, what's up with the uni's this year? The big I on their ass?
Mr. Shife said…
We were calling it the Brown I.
I am not sure what happened but they got it removed and now they look normal. Well the pants look normal. The team still doesn't look normal; they still look crappy.
cher said…
this was so funny i had to read it out to rob. and then i kept reading and read out the 300 seconds post. it was really really funny to me because he goes to jazzercise like 2 x's a week! He's gay. It's hot.