Too permissive?



But I do feel there’s a danger that it can.
















4 Responses to Too permissive?

  1. Mary says:

    I think you are spot on. Children like boundaries and do need to learn to be responsible. In all honesty, being too permissive can be as bad for a child as being too punitive and can convey a lack of interest in the child and be perceived as abusive to the child. I’m not sure the effect of permissiveness is much better than neglect and it concerns me when I hear parents justifying things like telling their child they don’t need to do homework or chores that have been allocated to them. Your articles summarised nicely action that could be taken in such a situation without becoming punitive and I found it useful and thought provoking – thanks

  2. Stephanie says:

    How is this spot-on? You missed the mark on so many things. Naomi Aldort never says you should let your child engage in horrible indulging like TV and junk food which she doesn’t permit at all. No matter how many examples of showing the difference between permissiveness and giving freedom to the child, people just keep confusing it. She says don’t control the child and don’t let other things control the child. Junk food and TV definitely controls a child. When I was a child I would not be able to stop even if I knew that’s what my heart wants. The playground thing you mention is a bit silly to me. Children know when they are tired and hungry. When I was a child or even now, when I play and get hungry I say Oh I’m hungry better go home and eat something and my mom doesn’t need to call me out. I never had a meltdown from playing out of will. I had terrible terrible meltdowns at shopping malls dragged around by other people who needed the shopping because it was tiring, too stimulating and not a place I wanted to be. So check the places where your child has a meltdown when you don’t make her stop the activity she’s doing. The melt downs at the playgrounds usually come from parents telling the kids “It’s meal time”(such an arbitrary construct)! Children know exactly when to leave the playground when they follow their internal clock and their friends.

  3. Stephanie says:

    And just to add, you wouldn’t have to control your child’s behavior if you just don’t have the things you don’t want your child to do at home. If you have TV and junk food around the house, you are saying “Go ahead and take advantage of it but when you do I’ll have to snatch it away after a while.”

    • Jo says:

      I agree, it is easy to confuse permissiveness with giving freedom to the child, and that is what I wanted to explore in this post. I quoted Naomi Aldort as I feel her book can be confusing in this respect, and is therefore a good example. However, I am not necessarily trying to follow Naomi Aldort’s advice, or suggesting that we should.

      To clarify, by junk food, in my own child’s case I mean treats like biscuits and chocolate. You suggest that by not allowing these at all the need for control by the parent is removed. However, I would argue that by not allowing these at all, this is, in itself, control by the parent, and unless I were to never allow my child to leave the house or come into contact with other parents and children, I can assure you that the need for such control has been unavoidable from a very early age, and continues to be so.

      Regarding leaving the playground, I disagree that children know when they are tired and hungry. In my experience, very young children may know that they don’t feel ‘right’, but may not be able to identify that it is tiredness or hunger. When they are older, children will often try to deny that they are tired, or hungry, or even needing to go to the toilet, when they would rather continue playing. Furthermore, the idea that a child could always be given the choice to leave a playground whenever they choose is totally unrealistic. What if a parent had to leave to collect an older sibling from school, or had some other appointment?

      I don’t believe it is possible to allow children freedom of choice at all times. Children need our guidance and need limits to be set until they’re mature enough to self regulate and make mature decisions.

      The majority of parents I meet clearly think I’m very permissive, so it makes a change to hear a different perspective!

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