Thursday, September 22, 2011

Genesis 3:1-7, Wisdom is Bad, M’kay?

This story explains that naked is good and wisdom is bad. But if you have wisdom, which is bad, that makes naked bad too. And that’s not good.

Dodo Bird
The dodo didn't have
knowledge of good
and evil either.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other animal Yahweh had made. For one thing, it could talk. And anything that talks is crafty and not to be trusted.

So the serpent came and said to the woman, "Did God sssay you shall not eat from any tree in the garden?"

"We may surely eat from any tree," she replied.

And lo, the woman grew troubled. Didn't God say something about one tree? She remembered! “I thinkest God said we are not to eat from the tree in the middle of the garden. Something about dying.

"Dear serpent, what is dying?”

Ignoring the question, the serpent said, "Getteth outta here. Don’t worry, Sssweety. You will not die. For God knowsss that when you eat of it your eyesss will be opened and you will be like usss, knowing good and evil."a

Temptation, Hugo van der Goes
That's one freaky looking serpent

So the woman looked and saw the tree was good for food. (For being without wisdom, she kneweth not that all the trees were good for food. Or maybe she kneweth once, and remembered not.) Also, the tree was pretty. And “pretty” is reason enough to breaketh a rule if you’re not wise. And if you knoweth not sin.

So the poor woman took of its fruit and ate. And lo, she died not.

Immediately, she was wise enough (a miracle!) to give some to her boyfriend, the man. For he had been standing there the whole time. Stupid. Ignorant. Quiet. Like a dodo bird watching a sailor club its mate to death.b

And so the stupid man did eat. And lo, he died not. Nay, he died not then. From the fruit. (The man lived until his years were nine hundred and thirty. For the fruit not only contained knowledge, but was rich in antioxidants and omega-3 fatty acids.)

Now both of their eyes were opened, which is holy-speak to say they were wise. How wise? They knew they were bare-ass naked. And they knew how to sew. So they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves.

Truly, only the woman made loincloths. The man, in his wisdom, made penis jokes.

a. So that’s where morality comes from. It doesn’t come from God. It comes from knowledge. Silly apologists. Who's a silly apologist? Who's a silly apologist? You are, aren't you?
b. The dodo bird sure could've used a healthy serving of that "knowledge of good and evil" stuff.