Now you see me, now you don’t

The one thing about living near a big city is that the odds of you running into someone you know when you’re out is surprisingly slim. It’s a weird because despite the fact that I know a lot of people in the area, because the population is so big and everything is so spread out, it’s very rare to actually spot someone you know. To be honest, when you DO run into someone it’s always in the weirdest place and not in the grocery store or somewhere you frequent often and you want to be like, are you stalking me?

Of course what always inevitably happens is that you’ll run into someone when you’re not expecting them and you’ll look your worst. Most of the time we’ll just be out grabbing something quick, no makeup, not doing your hair, wearing grubby clothes and then BOOM you’ll turn the aisle and there’s someone you actually know. Because the moment you prepare for something and make yourself look even halfway presentable, you’ll never see anyone that you actually want to see. It’s like an automatic signal.

The worst though, is when you run into someone and you recognize them. But they don’t see to recognize you. Do you proceed to still go up to them and say hi and potentially make everything weird as they scramble to place who you are? Do you just pretend to not know them yourself? Do you wait to see if they will remember? Do you just turn the corner and run far away from the situation? It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. “Oh fancy running into you here!”

I guess it all depends on what YOU want to do. If the other person doesn’t want to talk to you, then it can be short and everyone will be on their way. And then sometimes it’s good to catch up with someone you haven’t seen in forever. Granted this all depends that you’re not running into each other in some place you’d rather not anyone recognize you at.



I know I’m not a special snowflake….















Ridiculously Photogenic People….of which I am not one.

There are some people who always look good when taking a picture. I am not one of them.

Some people have the gift of looking good no matter what the situation is.


This guy here? Ok, most people do NOT look like this while they are running. I ran in a 5k obstacle course yesterday. Trust me, the majority of people running didn’t look like this.

There are some people who it doesn’t matter what angle you take the picture from, they will always look good in the picture. I love looking at candid shots because when everyone is posed, it can sometimes look really fake. Wedding candid photos are the best because everyone is always happy and you know they are having a good time.

But I hate being IN a candid shot because I know I will look horrible no matter what the situation is or what I’m doing. I cannot take a good random shot. While being invisible, having super strength, or the ability to read minds are awfully tempting superpowers, the ability of looking good in every shot is a very enviable gift to have.

And this doesn’t just happen when you’re older. Certain babies have this gift as well. There are some babies that just don’t take good photos and even their own parents know this. Meanwhile there are other babies who get all the modeling jobs because they look so gosh darn cute even when they are screaming their heads off.

For some reason, I always come off looking extremely awkward when it comes to pictures. Even when I look at myself in the mirror and think I look actually pretty decent, for some reason put a camera on me and I feel like I don’t look anything like how I feel my reflection looks like.

I always dreaded when yearbooks came out because I never knew what kind of awful looking random shot of me was going to be included. When I get a notification that I’ve been tagged in a picture on Facebook, I always approach it with trepidation because I’m fearful that someone has tagged me and I look horrible. For the record, DON’T tag someone when you know it’s a bad picture of them. Believe me, they will not feel left out if you tagged everyone else in the pic but them. Also, if it’s just ONE person in the picture and you KNOW it’s a bad picture of them, don’t post it. COMMON SENSE.

I have some friends who know their photogenic side and will do their best to make sure every pic of them is taken from that certain angle. Of course once they pointed this out, you can’t help but notice their “bad side”.

Of course in this age of photo shopping selfies and finding the perfect filter on Instagram, most folks take dozens of shots before posting the perfect pic online. Because let’s face it. The real reason why we post pictures, any picture, is to get approval from others. Sure, there are some unicorns out there who truly don’t care if no one sees their pictures or they don’t get any likes at all. They get joy in just taking the photo. But they are also the ones that don’t strive for the perfect picture.


SOAP Moments or When I Say Stupid Stuff

Two of the faults that people call me out on all the time is the fact that I overthink and that I can be too quiet sometimes. They tell me that I should talk more and not worry about how I come across to others.

But want to know why I’m so paranoid about the things I say?

I wish I was one of those people who say clever things all the time. Every word that comes out of their mouth is either witty or full of humor. They are the eloquent speakers who never need to write or practice beforehand because everything that comes out of their mouth is golden. You know who these people are and you know who you are. It’s a gift.

Instead I am someone who says awkward and stupid things if I don’t think carefully before I speak. I don’t know why it happens. I mean believe me, I really hate all the word vomit that just pours out. I say things that make no sense. I say things that could make people uncomfortable. I say unnecessary information. I sometimes hurt people.


  • One of my best friends was having a mild allergic reaction from taking a sip of my strawberry margarita. While in my head I was genuinely concerned and wanted to help, because I was scared for him what came out of my mouth instead was some stupid remark about I hope he doesn’t choke to death. His response was appropriate in which he yelled at me for making him panic more and to which I felt like a horrible person and went to the bathroom and cried.
  • Someone can ask me a very vague question and then for reasons unbeknownst to me, I end up blabbing things I had no intention of bringing up earlier and I can totally see that the person doesn’t care and is only nodding out of politeness.
  • When I’m emotional, my filter seems to come down and I will say things that shouldn’t be said because they are mean and hurtful. Maybe it is true, but I should have either not said it at all or just used some tact. I hate it when I hurt someone because of how I was personally feeling at the moment.

When moments like these happen, I call them SOAP moments. SOAP moments refer to a time back when I was 18 and working a summer job. There was a guy working with me that I was trying to impress and one day we were all sitting around talking. And I was thinking too hard to try to say something clever. And then for whatever reason, the first thing to blurt out of my mouth was about how in Fight Club, they make soap using fat from liposuction clinics.

Why on earth, I thought this was a brilliant thing to say, I don’t know. I just remember the conversation coming to a halt and the guy looking at me like I had suddenly grown two heads. And it felt all kinds of awkward and horrible. Since then, any moment when I say something stupid is referred to a SOAP moment.

This is akin to my Dale Jr. incident about telling him he was better looking in person than on TV. I SAY STUPID THINGS WHEN I DON’T THINK.

I know some folks can brush it off immediately and don’t care. But for me, I hate it when I do. I hate the awkwardness I feel creeping on me. I hate the looks I get when people are tired of me yammering away and I can’t seem to stop. I hate feeling judged for saying the wrong things. I hate when I hurt people accidentally by saying something hurtful unintentionally.

The worst is when my intentions are trying to honestly be helpful or sympathetic and instead I make myself come across as uncaring or spiteful to someone who I care very much about. It’s funny when someone does this to me, I feel like it’s my fault. When I do this to someone else, it still feels like it’s my fault. CAN. NOT. WIN.

And because I would like to avoid all these situations, this is why I overthink and stay relatively quiet. Better to not say anything than speak without thinking and sound stupid or hurt everyone. So now you know!


Just Know You’re Not Alone

I found out this weekend that one of the other bridesmaids didn’t have their ears pierced either. This was basically my reaction:

I wasn’t alone!

Yes it’s a personal choice to not have my ears pierced and I’ve never really wanted to get it done (though I did get my eyebrow pierced back in college which eventually got closed up later on but that’s another story). But it was one of those moments where I didn’t feel like the odd man out anymore.

I walked up to a friend during the reception because he was standing in the corner alone. I was slightly worried that he wanted to be alone and I was intruding. This then became the conversation:

We’re both extroverts so we recharge being around other people. When we’re in our comfort zone with people we know and are close with, we are good to go. We act crazy, are very social, and we’re not afraid to be awkward. But put us in a situation where we only know a few people and it’s a larger crowd, and we shrink. We can’t really go up to people we’ve only met a few times because once you’ve exhausted the same conversation over and over again there’s only so much you can talk about without prompting from the other person. It’s hard to go up to someone you know very well when they are in a conversation with other people because you feel like you’re intruding. Everyone has their own little groups and there’s only so much standing outside of the group nodding that you can do before it gets weird. It’s easier when you are at a table and it’s more confined because you can focus better with the smaller group.


Instead what you typically end up doing is going off by yourself, most likely with some beverage in your hand, to keep yourself busy while you scope out the crowd and recharge while you make your anxiety calm down a little. You’d like it if someone comes up and strikes up conversation even if it’s someone you don’t know, but when it’s one of your close friends it’s even better when they understand how you felt. So yes, he was thankful that I had come up to him to talk. .

After hearing him say basically everything that always runs through my mind in large social events, my reaction was this

It really makes you feel better when you find out you’re not the only one who feels certain way. When everyone else around you seems like they have it all together and you wonder if something’s wrong with you or if it’s just all in your head, finding someone else who has those same fears and anxieties makes you know you’re not alone and it’s going to be ok. There will always be people who can’t understand you but when you find someone who does, it’s always a win.



My Life is an Awkward Moment

“Uh. Um. Er.” (Uncomfortable Silence). *Crickets chirping*

And those would be the noises you hear when I’m in a situation where I feel uncomfortable and thus awkward.

Everyone has their awkward moments. I however seem to have an awkward life.

I have mentioned this before but I am a shy extrovert. I get my energy from being around others. I don’t need to say anything to you but just being around people energizes me. Sometimes it feels like I have a superpower of draining other people’s energy so that I can go be alone for a day and I’m perfectly fine til I need to recharge again.

However just because I’m an extrovert doesn’t mean that I’m outgoing. Far from it. Put me in a new situation with people I don’t know, especially people who already know each other, and I want to die. I feel out of my element and utterly uncomfortable. It doesn’t help when no one includes me in the conversation or comes up to me first. I do that awkward thing of trying to join in a conversation and can’t seem to jump in. I never seem able to find the right moment to come into a conversation. Either my voice never gets heard or when I finally do say something there’s an awkward silence.

I seem to know a lot of outgoing introverts. They recharge by being alone and are quite happy with that, but when they are out in public, you would never know this because they are good at being around others. They hide it so well that when they tell you they are actually introverts, you’re like no you’re not. LIES.

When I’m around people who I’m comfortable with, I have no problems. Even when I’m awkward with them, I know they’re not going to judge me so I feel completely fine being who I am in front of them. In fact I have been told many times after an entertaining awkward moment “Deborah, don’t change. Never change who you are”.

My friends have noticed that when I’m around someone I would like to get to know better and it’s a group setting, I clam up instantly and start acting very not like myself.  It’s because I get nervous and anxious. They can tell that something is wrong because it’s a different type of awkward. It’s the awkward where I am overly conscious of trying to make a good impression that I tend to shut down in fear of looking like a fool. And if you know me very well, you can probably tell that I’m visibly not at ease. Because I’m worried about looking too overly interested, I may over think myself into panic status and act completely indifferent towards you. Even though that’s NOT how I am at all. So if you are trying to see what kind of person I am, and we’re surrounded by people who I’m not necessarily comfortable around, you’re not going to see the type of person I really am.

I like getting to know people better one on one vs in a group setting. At least in the beginning anyways. Once we get past the initial getting to know each other stage, then things are so much better. You may not care how you come across to me, but I know for me, while I want to be myself, I also want to make a good impression to you. So in a group setting, when I’m having to fight that inside of me PLUS having to battle with everyone else and their personalities and actions, it’s very overwhelming. When I’m in a more one on one setting, I can relax. I’m more confident and can be comfortable when I’m not in a group. I can surprise you. Of course I realize that for some people, group settings are safer and more comfortable for them. To each his own.

Being awkward is a part of life. You can’t avoid it. You just have to accept it and live with it. And you never know, your confidence in not caring that you are awkward is the very thing that someone finds absolutely attractive about you.


I’m having a ME party!










Wait, they don’t love you like I love you…















Dancing at Weddings = Awkward Times

dancing up a storm

Random people dancing up a storm (Photo credit: phandcp)







