15 Tips for Surviving Disaster, According to The Rock's San Andreas

When escaping to solid ground just isn't cool enough.
the rock san andreas - safety tips
Warner Bros. Pictures

This weekend, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's destruction-porn-a-thon San Andreas averted disaster with a sizable $54.6 million at the U.S. box office. The people spoke: news reports and shocking photos from around the world aren't enough. Multiplex-goers want to see waves crashin', fires burnin', and earthquakes quakin' in their blockbusters too. San Andreas scraps most of the wrap-around character plot for bing, bang, and boom. The Rock is a rescue helicopter-rescue pilot and his on-screen daughter, Alexandra Daddario, needs helicopter rescuing. Cue: tectonic rumbling. If you could photoshop Godzilla out of Godzilla, it would look something like San Andreas, whose dramatic thrust boils down to "run." For those fatalists among us, Johnson's film is the perfect guide on how to survive inevitable doom. With that in mind, here are 15 tips from the film for you to print out and stash in your fallout shelter

1. On a collapsing dam, run to a stable area, firmly plant yourself so as to block other escaping dam patrons, and scream, "RUN!! GET OFF THE DAM! RUN AND GET OFF THE DAM!" These motivational words will drive the message home to those trying to get around you and and, on a personal level, should quell any PTSD you suffer from being one of the only survivors.

2. Instincts will tell you to scurry down to safety, but if you're in the penthouse of a cascading skyscraper, climb to the roof. The higher you are in the building, the less gravity you'll experience. This makes even more sense if a loved one insists he/she has a helicopter and can pick you up. 30 minute wait? No problem. As long as there's one pillar of steel to stand on, you'll live. And the "fight or flight" reaction allows any human to jump like Michael Jordan in moon shoes.

3. Beware of saving yourself. Even if the car park that you just escaped from caved in, even if anyone inside could be easily presumed dead, and even if chunks of concrete are pummeling down around you, the Powers That Be may see any display of self-interest as a villain's maneuver. The punishment: being squashed to death like Wille E. Coyote. Don't be that guy. Don't.

4. Ignore all men and women over the age of 65 until you need something from them. When you pressure them into handing over their single-engine airplane, pretend "you didn't see them" and offer bullshit directions to keep them off your track. They lived good lives.

5. Before leaping to any safety lines, look over your shoulder to confirm that the platform you're standing on is indeed giving out/rippling like a windswept blanket/exploding into a raging inferno. It definitely is, but taking that extra second to soak up the scene will give you the boost of a hundred Monster energy drinks.

6. Hide under a table. There's no elemental force that wood can't handle.

7. Drive into incoming tsunamis. Remember how the Titanic would have been better off barreling straight through the iceberg? Same thing. Tiny motorboats are best. For maximum acceleration over a cresting tidal wave, align yourself between two other speeding dingies that have zero chance of surviving.

8. Crash land any flying vehicles into densely populated areas. Your spinning blades will slice the hands/feet/heads off unsuspecting civilians. Steal his or her car to continue fleeing the disaster site.

9. If you're stuck in the middle of a crumbling metropolis, head to the nearest under-construction high rise. God only destroys completed structures as effigies to his towering presence.

10. If rising tides threaten the aforementioned construction site, cling to the nearest beam—preferably a round one that lacks obvious grips. Bear hug the pole from the far side of the incoming wave so that the water doesn't hit your back, push you up against the pillar, and sustain your position until the force subsides. You're an expert body surfer. You do not want to miss out on this rad bombora, bro.

11. In all emergency situations, proceed directly to CalTech, the country's safest university. Even as 9.2 earthquakes rip open city streets like bags of potato chips, CalTech's state of the art lab space will remain unscathed. Not even Mother Nature herself can shut down the electricity or WiFi at CalTech. Need to beam useless scientific information out to all the currently unoccupied homes in the disaster area? CalTech has the equipment you need to hack CNN. CalTech: Where America goes to hide.

12. Steal from local rescue authorities. If you spot a case of medical and survival supplies inside an unoccupied fire truck, you have "dibs" and can take them. If you only need a bandage or some disinfectant but the box is full of other usable items, throw the box to the side where others won't find it. If they heal themselves first, they'll steal all the safe spots.

13. Trapped inside a flooding building with unbreakable glass? Drive your boat through the window. Don't wait for people to clear the area. There's no time. Just drive your boat through the window. Do it.

14. If your leg is broken and The Rock offers to rescue you (i.e. pick you up and move you a few yards away), take him up on it. He's a harbinger of death and destruction, so there are only about five minutes before the ground you sit on will become a gaping sinkhole.

15. Don't live in California. That state asks for it.

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