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Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Living imperfectly

I was doing the laundry this evening, and took out a favorite blue linen dress.  A gift from a sister, I've had it for years.  It's well made, sturdy but soft, comfortable and can cross into formality or a casual day. It also now carries a strange and beautiful imperfection on the back hem-- a fluttering low cloud of white transitioning to flamed wine edges, several inches across and a few inches high.  A year ago I hung it to dry in my laundry room, not noticing that it was brushing the bottom of a shelf.  The shelf held a bottle of bleach, which had cracked and leaked into a puddle too thin to notice. Some of you know i have anosmia (loss of sense of smell).  More accurately now it is severe hyposmia, meaning I can sometimes smell some things, but bleach isn't on the list.

I'm not a very visual person.  I notice details of things that some people don't notice, but mostly leaves and not trees, if you catch my drift.  I grabbed the dress and wore it to work, and it wasn't until late in the day that someone asked me about the unique design on the back.

Most people would have thrown it out.  But I love that dress.  And I'm thrifty as heck.  And mostly, there was something about the wabi-sabi beauty of the accidental design, and the metaphor it sang to me.  So I wear it.  I wear it because it is still all those good things to me-- comfortable, sturdy, well-made, functional.  And because it is imperfect and messy.  Just like every human I know.

In my work, I see people all the time who struggle with perfectionism.  They struggle by trying to be more perfect, or chastising themselves for not being so.  They see not their beauty, function, skills but their flaws.  They let the flaws become the Big Story.

I remember a man I knew in Texas many years ago. He was a carpenter, and had a big anniversary coming up, so he made his wife a beautiful wooden hutch.  He prided himself on his skill of using only joinery in his work:  no nails or glue, just dovetails to hold the pieces in place.  Towards the end of putting together the back, he cracked off a dovetail, one of dozens that would bridge the back to the sides.  "I ruined it", he said.  He didn't see the hundred plus that were perfect.  He only saw the one that wasn't. 

"Humans are always dissatisfied", my friend said tonight at dinner.  I told her about a chapter in Joe Quirk's book, It's Not You, It's Biology, titled "The Bitch Gene".  Quirk posited that humans, above other animals, have a huge portion of their brain devoted to problem solving and dissatisfaction, and that portion is directly responsible for our evolution.  We're cold, so we invent clothing and shelter.  We're hungry and invent agriculture.  Dissatisfaction keeps us moving forward.  But sometimes we outpace our genetics, and invent problems that aren't even there. 

Many of the things we agonize about won't make a whit of difference in a decade or generation. Many of them are not even of our own inherent needs.  Americans live in a country that is based on capitalism, a system that relies on creating needs to insure prosperity and growth. That system also creates anxiety.  We are told we should and could be happier, be better if only we did/bought/had X.  It's important to challenge our narratives about whether we are "enough".  It's important to remind ourselves that even if we did get skinnier, wore the right clothes, got that promotion, did enough yoga we still will (hopefully) get older, and (always) will die.  How do we choose to spend our time?  Would it be ok to just be who we are, warts and all?

If we really could live by the Serenity Prayer-- changing what we actually can, accepting what we can't, and knowing the difference between these two things-- I'd be out of business as a therapist.  That isn't going to happen.  But I'd be happy if we tried.


Thursday, January 11, 2018

Thrifty Thursday: Door2Challenge January 11,2018

Thursday's challenge invites you to don the identity of a revolutionary.  We're going to spend some time today thinking about how our consumption isn't such a great deal.  It's a complicated subject: for every take out meal you trade for cooking something already in the freezer, someone's job takes a  tiny hit.  So we'll just work on this one day-- to wear what you already have, to eat what's in the cupboard, to trade a neighbor for something we need and they have.  

There's a lot to mine in this:  the environmental impacts of our current throw-away culture.  As Winona Duke said, "Where exactly is AWAY?"  Our away is someone's HERE.  In China, where the bulk of our recycling ends after a trip on a large garbage barge, they are getting sick of all the useless, un-recycleable-able crap we wishfully throw in our bins, and are starting to turn away our ships. what doesn't get turned away is burned or dumped into the ocean. Consumerism and capitalism, which try to convince us we need certain things in order to be happy-- and those things are designed to be obsolete within 18-24 months. 

Because we don't actually need most things that people produce (a new car every year, dozens of shoes) we must be convinced that having them makes us happier, relative, acknowledged.  But it's like herion-- we always need another bigger fix. 

Here's some ways to take this challenge:
1) Buy nothing day.  Use what you have and make do.  Figure out free ways to entertain yourself.  Wear some of those clothese are are keeping for "someday".
most weren't edible, but i got a meal out of this.
eat what;s laying around.
2) Cook something out of your pantry.  Maybe it is going to be sort of pitiful:  eggnoodles covered with mushroom soup and leftover cheese.  Top Ramen.  You'll survive.  Maybe you will get creatve and start using up those dried beans and speces and make a soup that delights you.  At worst you will have a mediocre meal, and you can tahnk Gods and Goddesses you live somewhere where you don't have to boil grass to have anything at all to eat.

3) If you really need something tomorrow-- the cat''s puked all over the rug and you want to clean it, you'd make that soup if you only had an onion-- use your community to share in the bounty.  I happen to have 40 cloves of garlic, a vacuum sealer, axes, shovels, some perennials and annual seed, extra warm coats I am willing to lend or give.
4) Try on of the thrift shops first.  You;re recylcing/reusing.  Karma points.
5) Go to a locally owned, locally employed store that treats its employers well and buy what you need.  You'd be surprised at the level of personal attention and desire to get what you need to you.
.6) Check out craigslist, Facebook community garage sales pages, or local Reuse/Recycle posts to see if you can find what you need.
7y) Have a potluck.  Everyone contributes a small amount and you end up with a feast.  And community.

The major goal today is to get a deal.  A deal costs less (to you, the environment, the social fabric) in some way.  What deals did you get today?

Wednesday, January 10, 2018






Remembering your thread: Door2Challenge January 9, 2018

Just who do you think you are?
Today's challenge is to remember who you are.  What traits defined you at age 5, 7 or 10 continue in you today?  What did you love that you still love?  What fascinates you now, and did way back then?  What scares you?  Where do you feel your limits and challenges, those that remain unchanged after all these years?

Who am I?
What is true for me?
forest hike/meditation, Kansas, 1976

  the beautiful crescent moon-- love her--

Aware of what been and still is true for ourselves, what realities can we learn to accept (stop resisting, and then learn to work with in a more graceful and passionate ways?  What strengths have always been with there we can remember to utilize in the now?

 Make a list of at least five. 
Here's some of mine:
I have always loved and been interested in the welfare of the environment, humans and animals.
snakes.  still love 'em.
I have always been impatient and wriggly.
I have struggled with and continue to struggle with self-discipline.
I am curious and love to learn.
I love music.
I love the moon.
I love being in nature.

What are some of yours?

How can you work with compassion with the threads that bug you?  How can you nourish the strengths that have always been with you?

Monday, January 8, 2018

Thank You Day: Door2Challenge January 8th, 2018

Revised retrieval of a 2016 tiny resolutiom/



Craig Childs should be on the list for being such a wooly
world walker and great storyteller






thank you for Philosophy Talk

80 years of jazzy art:
Earl Newman
Elena Passarello:
a great writer and very funny reader







Tell them thanks.

See you tomorrow,

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Encourage Community: Door2challenge January 6th, 2018

(A rerun from 2011. I’m engaging in community on the McKenzie this weekend)
Feeling isolated?  You're--so to speak-- not alone.  Despite our fat facebook friends lists, Americans are spending less time in group and individual interactions and counting fewer people as confidantes than in previous history.  We work more, move more, attend church and civic groups less, volunteer less, walk less.  We have fewer sidewalks and front porches, all which used to encourage us to bump into our neighbors.  We watch videos and streaming concerts instead of attending theaters and live music.  In general, our places of worship, schools and other commnunity gathering sites are larger and usually outside of our immediate neighborhood.  Our banks and grocery stores are owned by anonymous corporations who don't know us or our individual needs.  All of this results in feelings of isolation and anonymity.

If positivity research is a bit muddy on some things, it is in consensus on one:  social connectedness increases happiness and health.  A meta-analysis of nearly 150 studies found strong links between mental and physical wellness and feeling tied to community.  Read a NYTimes article about it here.

For this resolution, do a social inventory.  How many people in your extended family, neighborhood and community did you connect in the last seven days?  How can you increase it this week?  And what is one thing you can do to increase connectivity within your community?

There's so many ways to work on this resolution.  Spend more time in your front yard, and greet your neighbors.  Volunteer.  Throw a potluck.  Call or write an old friend or family member.  Need more?
150 things you can do to build social capital: from bettertogether.org.

Related posts:  CONNECT 
Nourished by Community

Thursday, January 4, 2018

SUSPEND YOUR JUDGMENT: Door2Challenge January 5th, 2018

Today's challenge is to spend a bit of time noticing the flow of judgments your brain narrates.  Some will be future casts:  "It's so cold; I'm going to be miserable today".  Some are past-bashing:  "I was a terrible partner/mother/field kicker/student".  A lot will be about other people:  "She must not be very smart", "I wouldn't like him", "He just did that to piss me off".

curious or foolish?
Sometimes our judgements are really discernment, aggregated data we use to sort and to understand potential pitfalls. It's not judgmental to have negative thoughts about a person lunging angrily at you.  It's probably more effecient to get the hell out of there, though.

Today practice presuming BENIGN INTENT, the idea that most people are doing the best they can and mean us no harm. Assume we don't have all the information to truly know their motivations and intents.  That scowl may just be their resting face.  The distraction may not be lack of interest in your needs but preoccupation with their own.  The guy who cut in front of you may not have seen you, may be very late to something important, maybe unaware his turn signal isn't working.  It's possible it wasn't a plot to annoy or scare you.  The woman who is keeping you on hold at her cubicle job is just trying to make a living, pay for a place to live, feed her kids.  Sure, her script is stilted, and maybe her accent is hard to understand, but she's more like us than not, trying to get through the day with the least possible suffering entailed.
Youth gang?  Healthy festive teens?

We can easily fall into traps of thinking others are less than or more than we are.  Both traps are bad and keep us wary and separate.   If you've a mind to, go for extra credit toda and try to understand the other to the point that at least some judgments start to fall away.  she how that poor mama loves on her kid, how strong that fat man is, how kind the alcoholic, offering you a half of his sandwich.

Good ol Annie-- ridiculous person, or master of fun?
And listen especially carefully to our own inner dialogue-- your fear weasel that says you can't make it, you're not enough, you don't belong, you'll never amount to a hill o beans, it's too late etc etc etc....

I mean, really? 

See if you can answer those questions without opinions, just with facts.  Like:  Sometimes my brain doesn't work as week as other times.  Or:  I can be aloof when I feel vulnerable and other people may interpret this as snobbishness.  We all have our defender behaviors.  How about for today we just observe them with a keen and kind eye, trying to figure out their function,and instead of acting them outwe just watch them from a little distance.  We can remind ourselves that moods and fears pass and look for the core that connects us.

Possibile activities for this challenge:  have lunch with an other or a conversation with a stranger.  Look for commonalities between you (you can make this into a game-- find three obscure facts about each other you have in common)..

Do a fearless self-inventory of your failings and rewrite it as FACTS about you, HABITS about you, INTENTIONS of these habits.  Dont forget to put in FACTS about your Strengths as well.

I have a Buddhist friend who, when I would say something judgmental about a fellow human ("she lots a hot mess") would gently bring me out of judgment with remarks like :I don't know her story.  I am not better than she or she than me."  My sister in law gave  me a lesson many years ago when I was in my salad days and saw a older bleached blonde woman in a very tight dress with teetery heels.  "Mutton masquerading as lamb", I said rudely.  Bhodi sister said "I love her self-confidence and that she dresses how she wants, not how others tell her she should. "  Great reframe. 

So just for today, watch those judgments spin out, and if you catch them, replace them with a benign or even positive reframe.  Or just let them drift on by and pay attention to what is really happening around you.  You might be surprised what you can learn, setting judgments aside and paying open attention to others. 

The world is a sweeter, safer place when we can corral our judgments and only pull them out when necessary after examining them through the lens of our preconceptions and limited exposures.  Here's a little film about that.

snail and catipilliar

See you tomorrow!


Shed Some Skin: Door2Challenge January 7th, 2018

"Loves Me", prayer flags, Renee Zangara
(Ed. note:  I'm at the river this weekend.  This is a rerun of a 2014 post, but worth repeating.)





Some things are best left behind:  tonight at Goodwill store

"Thoughts and Longings" , porcelain casts by Amanda Salov

Put yourself out there: January 4th 2018 #Door2Challenge

What did you learn Wednesday?  I learned an Indian folk talk, thanks to my Turkish friend Nuray.  I learned about the rise and fall of Winston Churchill and his ambivalence in facing down the Nazis knowing England was outgunned and out-trooped and that it would be a high cost and lengthy battle.
I learned WAY TOO MUCH about pyrosomes (there were virtually unheard of here until 2016, being warm water deep creatures; they've become prolific all the way up to Alaska where they clog nets and hooks, they are called pyro-somes because they glow in their native warm waters, but not here and the speculation is they are eating a different diet.  We don't know exactly what these aggregated simple cell creatures are filtering through their tissue connected, colonized tubes; we're not sure why they are here now except maybe the Giant Warm Blob that persisted off our coast for a couple of years has something to do with it, and we're not sure how they are affecting the ecosystem, especially if millions start to die off.  We aren't sure if they are related to the sea star die-offs or why they are still around now that the Warm Blob has moved on.  One OSU researcher did posit they are like cockroaches and now clearly in the running for surviving a human apocalypse.  Two more quick tidbits: they look like translucent pickles and ooze a pussy substance when stressed.


And now, as Monty Python used to say, time for something completely different.
using my voice (and being silly)

Today's challenge is to put yourself out there in some healthful/helpul way.  It may be volunteering for something, or offering your opinion in meetings where you are usually quiet, or revealing a vulnerability to a safe person (most people are.  Avoid known sociopaths).   It may be trying something that you know little about and lack confidence in (safety first-- I'm thinking about going to a line dancing meet, trying a new foreign cuisine, writing a poem, painting).  It could be a bit more risky:  if you are single and looking for a partner, getting out in the world and letting that be known.  Maybe you just persist past being interrupted or take credit where due at work.  It might be facing a fear in a very controlled and willing (even if nervous) way.  It might be reconnecting with that old friend, or showing back up at church/the neighborhood meeting/etc.

This tiny resolution is rich in possibilities.  It offers a look at how you rein yourself in, why you don't do the things you say you want to do, and encourages you to challenge your narrative of who you are and how you operate.

As usual, I'd love to hear what you tried and whether it worked.  some good advice from the Churchill film I saw tonight (Darkest Hour, playing at the Darkside):  "Success is not final, failing isn't fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.:    

Thanks for playing along,

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Learn Something New: Door2Challenge January 3 2018

Hope you took a few moments to notice human kindness Tuesday.  I didn't get out much, but my sweetheart rehung my bird feeders to protect them from the very fat squirrel that's been decimated them, and my pal and brother-in-law-in-law didn't gloat too much when they kicked my bootie in scrabble tonight.  Also, thanks for the encouraging remarks for restarting the 30 day challenge.

For Wednesday, the challenge is to learn something new.  As always, these are tiny resolutions.  You could make a new dish, learn a few words and phrases in another language, practice a song.  I'm planning to study up on pyrosomes in anticipation of a day at the beach.  I doubt I'll see a 60-foot long version, but I'm excited to get a chance to see some of these creatures that usually aren't visible unless you are deep-sea diving in warm water areas.  And did I mention that they GLOW?  Why are they here?  Why now?  I'm going to research and see what I can learn.Wish I had a non-copyrighted picture to pipque your interest.  Maybe this other random microbiota will do.  
Not a pyrosome.  Go look them up!  Everyone seems to think they look like translucent pickles.

 The learning brain is a happier brain. I try to fall down some educational rabbit hole everyday.  Last night I studied about Tibetian monks doing hard labor for the Chinese in Socialist Rehabilitation camps, and how they snuck their malas into their huts and chanted their prayers when the guards fell asleep.  The world's amazing.  Get out there and buddy up to all there is to know.

 Exercising your gray matter keeps you sharp and curious.  While you may not be as curious about primitive colonizing zooids, I bet you can learn something interesting today. Let me know what it is.



Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Door2Challenge January 2, 2018: Notice Kindness

Hope you were able to get out in nature to greet the new year.  I heard it was WAY TOO COLD for that in some places.  You're welcome to make up challenges at any time this month and still be in the game.

Today's tiny resolution:  look for human goodness.

2017 was full of news stories about hate and division.  It seemed a new free reign given to public expressions of racism, xenophobia and misogyny and just down right bullying-- behaviors that in the past would have still occurred, but without a cheering section that sometimes appeared federally sanctioned.

We'll never be rid of the occasional asshole.  But we can reduce the power of the narrative that asshole behavior is the new norm.

Bad stuff sticks out, and sticks in the brain.  Joe Quirk, in his book "It's Not You, It's Biology", wrote that our obsessive focus on negatives ( the ''bitch gene") is in part responsible for our achievements.  We were cold, so we invented clothes, and built shelters.  We got tired of the same old game meats and foraged veg every day, so we invented agriculture and fusion cuisine.  Our noticing what isn't right is a motivating and protective factor for us.  Focusing on the glass half full is wired in.

But this year, the negativity and fear mongering has been way too much for most of us.  And it gets easy to forget that the vast majority of people are basically good, and mean us no harm.

So today's challenge is to go out of your way to notice people being kind or helpful to other humans.

Maybe it's just your grocer being patient with you while you fumble for your debit card.  Maybe it's the stranger who smiled. Maybe it's the person who waves you on at the four way stop.  It doesn't have to be a big thing.

And if you go through some long enough segment of your day without noticing any kindness, create some yourself.  Smile at the stranger, ask after the grocer.  Hold the door.  Use your politeness words-- please, thank you, you're welcome-- that seem to be going out of fashion.

I look forward to hearing about any kindnesses you encounter today.  You can tweet or instagram them to #door2challenge or post them in the comments below.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2018.

It's just been an hour or so since 2017 closed out here on the west coast, but there's a sense of relief in the start of a fresh new year.  In my neighborhood, we sent off a sky lantern full of what we hoped to bid farewell before midnight, and as the year turned, another full of wishes for the future.  Hopes rose into the nearly full moon.

Things have been very quiet behind door number two. But something's stirring. Time to renew an old tradition: 30 tiny resolutions to kick off 2018.  It's been a while, so instead of a month-long theme, we'll revisit some from past years along with some new challenges.  Try as many as you like, and let me know what you find.  I've a box of *treasures for 2 or 3 who complete the whole challenge.

1/1/18 challenge is another tradition:  get out in nature today.  If your landscape limits you, your yard or a city park might do, but if possible, get away from signage, electronics, noise and manufactured artifacts.  Find somewhere with soil and trees, quiet and beauty. Minds work better there.  Look around and notice, really notice. 

There's all sorts of reasons to take respite in the natural world.  At the most basic level, we're away from calls to the crazy busy-ness of modern life, or even just the pulls of laundry and sticky floors and the daily chores. We're invited to appreciate simple beauty, to quiet our souls and to breathe deep and easy. 

Turn off incoming calls and emails for a while and see what you can hear when nobody is yakking at you.   Send me a picture if you've a camera with you and see something wonderful:  twitter or instagram at #door2challenge. 

More on the benefits of being in nature from previous years:



See you tomorrow.  Sweet dreams.

*treasures:  your box may include art, found natural objects, a special goodwill find, a book, and/or whatever is interesting in that desk drawer I keep meaning to clean out.  Just let me know daily you are taking the challenges-- through instagram, here in the comment section, or through the Jana Svoboda LCSW facebook page. Whoever hangs in there is likely to be a recipient if you connect regularly and send me your snail mail by the end of the month.  And don't worry-- no email lists, marketing schemes, things to sell you.  This is just community fun.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Cerebral Soulful Cinema: Captain Fantastic lives up to its name.


If you’re local-ish, head down to the quirky delight that is Albany, Oregon’s Pix Theatre for a showing of Captain Fantastic, and see what good movies are made of.

There’s lots of types of good movies.  Some tell a tiny story with gem-like detail.  Some create a wormhole for your mind to escape life for a couple of hours.  And brilliant ones like Captain Fantastic let you live deeply in another life, which might not look anything like yours on the surface but has all the essential ingredients of not just a good story but a real life:  realism in emotion, sometimes brutal honesty, true in-the-moment ecstatic joy and sorry and confusion and clear purpose and wisdom and big sticky messes.  “Oh, this life of mud and miracles”, sings Richard Bucknard.  “It’s just the prettiest little burden, isn’t it.”

There’s plenty of all of this bounty in one two hour movie about a family on the outside.  Cultures clash, there is dancing and love and hating and death and joy.  And there are ideals that cannot be manifested without smashing into opposing ideals.  It’s about family, and worlds we wish to create and the cost of being a creator.  It’s simply the closest capture to how things really are, even when it is pushing an extended metaphor as an explanation.

Go see it.  Let it stir up some values checks for you. Let it remind you of our common need and fear of connections. 

Playing this week at the Pix in Albany.

Cerebral Soulful Cinema: Captain Fantastic lives up to its name.






Playing this week at the Pix in Albany.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

A Life of Non-Sense, Update

It's my five year anosmiversary.
Anosmia: lack of sense of smell.























Monday, May 18, 2015

Dining with Death












Monday, February 23, 2015

Mental Health is a Physical Heath Issue

CAN I see another’s woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another’s grief,
And not seek for kind relief?
      ~~ William Blake
Songs of Innocence and Experience





What's happened?











