Will Vanilla Ice Cream Be the Downfall of the United States?

There is one thing that has always confused me and caused me to question our commitment to the true values of the United States of America: vanilla ice cream.

Now, I'm not saying I don't like vanilla ice cream. It's a perfectly fine treat by itself. What makes it so baffling, though, is that other flavors of ice cream exist.

No one's favorite flavor is vanilla. We all agree on this. When you describe something as "vanilla," you're calling it conventional and ordinary -- bland, really. It's not really even a flavor. It's just the default option -- the blank template -- before you come up with something more interesting.

Yet there it sits in the frozen aisle, right next to all the other flavors of ice cream -- which would almost be understandable if it were a quarter of the price of chocolate, strawberry, or buttered pecan. But no, it's the same price. It's competing on equal footing with cookies and cream. Presumably, people walk past cookie dough and rocky road and point to vanilla and say, "There. That's the one I want. I want the one that's just barely showing up as an ice cream flavor."

And no, this isn't some sting operation by the FBI to root out soulless psychopaths in our midst. This is an ordinary thing that happens every day. And no one stops them. The cashier doesn't say, "Hey, this isn't the Soviet Union. You have other options." No, we act like it's normal.

And it makes me wonder: Can the United States of America survive?

Some days I'm not sure. Like the other day, I saw on the chip aisle "Toasted Corn Doritos." They’re Doritos without any flavoring on them. And once again, they’re the same price as the other Doritos. They’re Doritos for people who don't get the concept of Doritos. I about had a mental breakdown when I saw them. And can you blame me?