Thursday, September 17, 2009

Mr. Mulatto on Marriage

Mr Mulatto? Marriage?

I know most of you are thinking that the two of these word's don't go together like white people and washcloths or black people and good credit. Even worse, some of you are thinking "oh damn...he's finally ran outa Latina's to trick into believing he's a decent human being and is now about to marry a wh-ite (pronounced Haw-white) woman!!"

Settle down, settle down! All of you!! For you are all wrong. This post isnt about me getting hitched (no homo?), nor is it a tirade for or against inter-racial marriage. This sh*t right here nigga (Jay Z Voice) another cross-cultural educational experience for my old Michael Jackson colored and New Michael Jackson colored bredren.

Before I lose yall like they did to Anne Le, I'm gonna get to the point.

Why do you think it is that there are more black Baby mama's and daddy's as opposed to husbands and wives? I'll tell you why. It's because black people have figured this whole marriage thing out... Latinos and'll get it eventually.

Latino's (A Classic Case of marital haste)

No offense, but yall Peppericans always have to do everything early. We have Sweet 16's, you gotta have a Quinceanera...We get pregnant (no homo) at 16, yall gotta do it at 12. Again, my intent is not to least not today.

The point I'm making is that in a culture where absentee fatherism is not as prevalent as in the black community, (despite the fact that the Latin Machismo might have old boy Hector whippin you and mami's ass), Latinas are still forced to grow up early. Why is this, might you ask? Probably because of the emphasis on family which basically leads to teenagers raising their younger siblings like their own children, while mama's in the kitchen like Raekwon cooking up a Pernil and Papi's watchin Beisbol and hittin the Brugal Harder than Derek Jeter. Just a theory.

Maybe they want to get out that crowded house? Maybe they just see the possibility of a happy family of their own and want to emulate what their parents have? Maybe they just wanna feel loved? Maybe they want citizenship? Maybe its just their culture. Whatever the f**king reason, Puertoricans, Cubans, Colombians, Dominicans and Mexicans all marry too young... Says the man who isn't married at all. Don't worry, at least you guys have minds of your own....unlike your alabaster skinned counterparts. LOL. ;)

Whites ( A classic case of Peer Pressure )

Back in the days, when the laws actually supported white peoples beliefs that they were in fact superior to all other races, they were forced to uphold a certain facade. When it turns out they were off humpin around more than Bobby Brown on a Camel, they were often forced with the difficult decision of "what to do with their Sigourney Weaver looking babies?"

Can't kill em' since they're devout catholics, and cant admit to having children out of wedlock. Aint that a bitch!!! BTW, Black people, this does not mean its OK to have expense accounts or debit cards at planned parenthood or to be using the morning after pill every week like condoms. Keep fu*kin're gonna end up with that non-magic Johnson AIDS. The kind that ACTUALLY makes you sick and die.

Anyways, I digress.

Even now, where bastard children aren't stigmatized as much, white culture says "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes little Anna-Jo in a baby carriage." Baby=marriage. For those of you without babies, the line of reasoning is a bit different...and by different, I mean more foolish. White people still do things like "marry for status" or "to unite two prominent families." Minorities marry for more practical reasons, i.e.) to get healthcare, to get tax breaks, to change their names and avoid debt collectors. lol.

Point of the story is, despite their "creating Woodstock and rebellious Rock N' Roll music", white people are really quite tame and are easily influenced by society, their parents and tradition. Unfortunately for them, all of these sources are saying: "Get married nigga!!" Why do you think it is that so many white people are unhappily married or on trial for killing their wives. Minorities might catch a domestic case, but marital Murder? I havent seen one of those since OJ....and he was innocent! OK, no he wasn't...but his wife was white!!! Loophole!!!

Blacks (A City upon a hill for we have the game figured out)

Now I'm the first to criticize my own people for saying "we're getting engaged" after they've been dating 20 + years. As I get older, however, I realize that sheeeeeiiit...these coons might be on to something. Think about it. When you love someone, you love someone. More importantly, when you can tolerate living with someone, you have figured out that you have found a suitable marriage partner. Why not get married then? I'll tell you why. Time. Time is your enemy.

Think about it. Forever is the longest conceivable amount of time. Whoever decided that marriage should be forever mustve been the same dumbass who decided we should work 5 days a week and have 2 off, rather than vice versa. Think about all the important things in life and how much time they take up.

1.) Church is 1-3 hours depending on your particular denomination.
is your marriage more important than your relationship with the Lord?

2.) A Presidential term is 4 years.

Is your marriage more important that Obama?

3.) Car Lease or financing agreement is usually around 5 years

Would you give away your New Lexus for your spouse (not vice versa)

4.)Even a Mortgage is 30 years at most (this is a bit of an outlier though, created mainly because niggas are broke).

There you have it. We black folk have learned something the animal kingdom has known for years...forever is a long time! Now I'm not suggesting you go mount a new woman, kill all her babies and procreate Lions, but I am suggesting that you view marriage as a fixed union for a fixed amount of time. While 4 years would be optimal, to keep sex fresh and keep from annoying the shit out of each other, it doenst really seem to jive with societal permissibility.

Therefore I offer an alternative. Wait untill you're old enough that your libido has calmed down and you have essentially overcome your natural instinct to switch partners every 3 -4 years...If this doesnt work, fu*k it. Try to change societal opinion and tell niggas to stop "handcuffing their wives!!!" Three years and you're done!!! Give somebody else a chance to skeet in her. LOL.

Live, Love, The possibility of marrying my Pernil-bootied soul mate



Nick said...

"Before I lose yall like they did to Anne Le, I'm gonna get to the point."

Show I am a terrible human (Slish can back this up) and even I think it might be a bit soon for this sort of joke...just fucking with ya keep it up.

MW said...

"The closer they look, the more biologists are finding that for male and female animals alike, infidelity is not merely the rule, it is practically the law." (source linked below)

Man, like most other animals, is NOT monogamous. Even animals that mate for life get around. The facade of a "'til death do us part" and "faithful" marriage is counterintuitive to nature's designs.

Marriage should be, at least, an agreement that states: "We like each other enough to enjoy each other's company for a long time, so let's get hitched, improve our economic conditions mutually, maybe make some biological copies of ourselves, and see where it goes.".

...All this from an "alabastard" male in a non-monogamous relationship who has really no option to marry anyway. Skewed? Yes, in context of your post, it is.

And men: if you want to follow the genetic imperative and spread your seed, at least spread it around on some titties; or, if you've got cash to flash, then consider buying her a pearl necklace to complement a patented Showrocka golden shower.

Show said...

MW you are sick and I like it. No homo. I couldn't have described the male dilema better myself.

"I'm at Ruth's Chris, You're at Mickey D's whith your bitch/ Tasting the Golden Arches like that R kelly chick"

Owww Owwww.

Miscelanious Rhyme Rocka.

Anonymous said...

A lot of females wouldn't mind slutting around too instead of getting hitched and being condemned to a life of the same dick and tricks. But because it's considered "slutty" for females and less so for guys we've been programmed to look forward to the diamond ring and off-white dress (cuz really, who are you kidding?).

And the "till death do us part" is a lie too. if you die and haven't written a will to give your money to that hussie you've been sleeping with on the side, your wife is gonna get all your money once you're gone. So she's taking your shit long after you're worm food.

mandy_smal said...

Marriage to me is doomed from the get and i hate to sound like that chick that has been burned to many times,I haven't. To me its just obvious we as humans hopefully are ever changning and unless you have this inexplicable bond with someone they dont change when u do, so how do you keep something going when you are no longer on the same page? DOWN WITH MARRIAGE lol!

MW said...

Agreed @ Mandy. I started thinking about this in almost-mathematical terms (almost), about rates of change and velocities and all that business, but in actual words:

1. Both partners in marriage should be heading in the same direction in the lives, and

2. They should be walking that road with the same speed.

I imagine it's rare that these two conditions can ever be met with 100% in-step accuracy. And worse, you don't want to be wheel-barrowing some schlub of a wife/husband around.

There's plenty of time to wheel your spouse around the "Walmarts" when they get too fat and diabetic to use that *ever-straining* cane.
On a side note, I have to somewhat question my support of marriage rights in America, since I have no real desire to marry at this point in time. But I certainly wish that everyone can have the power to say: "Fuck marriage! I accept my right to get hitched and refuse to exercise it.".

On a side side note, if, like Show suggests, marriage means trading DOWN in life (steak --> Big Macs), then your answer is clear. But to clarify, Mr. Rocka, you'd be "at Mickey D's w[h]ith your bitch" AND a brood of rowdy urchins hopped up on fancy ketchup and trans-fats.

...The Mickey D's at the Walmarts, no less.

ilario said...

white people and washcloths? i dont get it.