Sunday, June 2, 2019

1st 5 Pages June Workshop - Crisci

Name: Kim Crisci
Genre: Young Adult Contemporary
Title: All the Time in the World

Deirdre Lyttle has all the time in the world.

Sometimes, it’s a terrible burden. 

They say time is a relative concept, used to push the world along, a measurement of self-worth and importance. Deirdre closes her eyes, feeling the clock at work.

April 3rd, 2029. 7:20 pm.

She has a day planner, a watch, an alarm clock, a daily routine, all tools to keep her life in order.

Except time isn’t natural. Animals don’t use planners. Trees don’t wear watches. Fish don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve. Only humans chart the days ahead, which means they recognize someday, printed on a distant calendar, that their lives will end, and they’ll be gone.

But the question will remain: Did they make the time count?

Deirdre thinks about her mother, a woman who uses her time well. There’s rarely a moment where Michelle Lyttle hasn’t locked herself in the drafty basement, beneath the light fixtures that blink and buzz, welding panels together, so her exploratory vehicle can withstand Mars’ frigid temperatures without cracking.

Michelle says being a good engineer requires hard work and vision. But to be a great engineer, you need perseverance. And time.

Which is why Michelle keeps busy, making dinner for her family but never eating, foregoing date night with her husband to install new wheel cylinders in her rover, skipping movie marathons with her children or block parties with the neighbors.

And that’s why, when her twelve-year old daughter invites her to a game of chess, Michelle usually declines.

Deirdre has her mother’s ambition, evident by the four dozen chess ribbons tacked to her pinboard.

White pawn is exposed. Black bishop to B6.

The checkered board sits flat against her bed. Deirdre plays on a wooden set, one of those five-dollar boxes you buy for kids who always lose the pieces. Her father bought her a pewter set for her tenth birthday, featuring kings and queens dressed as wizards, pawns wielding shields and a walnut board.

She doesn’t use it.

Take the black knight. White bishop to F6.

Deirdre drags the bishop to its new square, pulling out the black knight. The white bishop is now flanked in both corners by black’s queen and black’s pawn. She picks up the queen, runs her thumb over the coronet. Then she picks up the pawn.

Who should take the bishop? Queen or pawn?

Play the queen, the easy route says. She can do anything, move anywhere. Yet, the pawn can be anything, go anywhere, leave a bigger mark on the board.

Deirdre’s door swings open. She doesn’t look up; she knows who’s standing there. The irregular breathing, the patter of small, hurried feet treading on her carpet, the snort of phlegm tells her more than words ever could.

“Hey, Dee—”


The young boy stops. “I didn’t say anything.”

“I don’t care, Jordan,” Deirdre says to her pieces. “When you want entry into someone else’s room, you knock first.”

“Oh. Gotcha.” Dutifully, Jordan closes her door and taps gently on the jamb. “Knock-knock.”

“You have to leave the room before—ugh, never mind.” Deirdre sets down her pawn. “What do you want?”

“I got something to show you,” he says, round cheeks swelling with cheer. He lifts the paper in his hand.

This is routine with him, barging into his big sister’s room with something he has to show her, the zeal and giddiness moving through him like tremors, eyes gleaming with anticipation. But an eight-year-old’s attention span typically opens itself to unbridled curiosity, and before Deirdre knows it, Jordan has something valuable of hers in his hand, waving it around like an airplane, adding engine revs and gunner noises for full effect.

“I’ve already seen it,” Deirdre says.

“Nuh-uh.” He waves the folded note in the air. “This is new stuff.”

Jordan hoists himself onto her bed, crawling on hands and knees to his sister’s side. The chess set ripples, the larger pieces tipping into their neighbors. Deirdre works quickly to upright the pieces, her teeth clenched in a grimace, body hunched defensively over the board.

Jordan eyes Deirdre’s attempt to restore order. “What’cha doin’?”

“Playing chess,” she answers mindlessly, returning the white bishop to F6.

“Ooh! Let me play. I’ll be the black guys.”

“No, Jordan. I’m in the middle of a game.”

“You’re playing by yourself.”

“I’m playing against myself.”

“That’s dumb. You need another player.” He reaches for the rook at C8, but Deirdre’s quicker on the draw, pulling the piece away with one hand while clasping his wrist with the other. “Hey! Let me go!”

She spots a dark powder stuck between the gaps in his fingers. “What’s on your hands?”

Jordan freezes. “I dunno.”

“Smells like potting soil.”

“I dunno.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? Were you playing in potting soil or not?”

He averts his gaze. “I tried to ride my bike.”

“Mom said you’re not allowed to practice by yourself.”

“She was busy and Dad wasn’t here. I have to get good before Mason’s party.”

“So why is there potting soil on your hands?”

“Um. I crashed into the plants. Don’t saying anything.”

Mom’s going to notice. She notices everything. “Fine.” Deirdre releases his wrist. “But I’m serious about the chess pieces. Hands off.”

“Come on, let me play. I promise I’ll—” Jordan arm bucks the board. His eyes widen, hands reaching to catch some of the pieces in mid-fall, but they slip like water through his fingers and tumble to their sides. “Oops.”

Sixty minutes down the drain. What a waste of time.

“Great. Thanks, Jordan.” She grabs the box from her nightstand and dumps the pieces with careless apathy.

“Deirdre? Can I ask you something?”


“Mason’s mom is having a baby,” he says. “If she swims in water, does she turn into a submarine?”

Deirdre pauses. “What?”

“Well, cause, you know, she’s got the baby inside her, and if she swims, it’s like she’s a—”

“—Why are you here again?”

“Oh. I made a drawing.”

Jordan shoves the crinkled paper in Deirdre’s face. Apparently, the bubble rule isn’t taught in third grade. She sets the chess box aside and snatches the note.

Her eyes land on a young boy she knows immediately to be Jordan, from the messy hair colored black, to the triumphant hand-on-hips he does after successfully sliding down the bannister. He’s wearing a mechanized suit, red and gold with stars to emphasize the glow off his chestplate.

“It’s us as superheroes,” Jordan says. “You, me, Mom and Dad.”

Mom’s easy to spot. Jordan drew her with her dark-framed glasses, which makes sense considering he’s rarely seen her without them. She’s wearing an armored red and blue dress with a golden W belt around her waist. Their father, undoubtedly Batman, stands with squared shoulders, a scribbled darkness cast over half his body. Deirdre wonders if Jordan understands the symbolism.

Then there’s her character. Bulky, nearly twice the size as everyone else, with grotesque muscle features. She’s walled in a fiery aura, indicative of an anger featured prominently on her face.

“I’m a monster,” she says flatly.

Jordan blinks. “You’re the Hulk. See? Green.”

“He’s still a monster.”

“Nuh-uh! Hulk’s the only one that can beat Thor. It’s like this. Look—” Jordan rises onto his knees to flex a set of unfledged biceps. He balls his hands into tight fists, then collides them together, knuckle to knuckle. His cheeks puff, eyes catching fire. “Deirdre say don’t touch the pieces! Deirdre angry!”


  1. Love the opening line! I feel like there's something more at work here that you're hinting at and it definitely intrigues me. Jordan is very endearing, but we can see why Deidre gets so annoyed with him too.

    Is there a reason it's in present tense? I don't mind it, it gives immediacy to the writing, but there's a few bits where it jolts me - like 'Mom's easy to spot. Jordan drew...' where I feel like it wants to be in first person.

    I was going to query about Batman still being a thing in 2029, but hey, he's been around long enough now that it's very likely third graders will still adore him. Less sure about Thor...

    1. Hi! Thanks for the comment. There's no real reason for it being in the present tense, per se. I've just noticed a lot of books are taking the present tense, and from what I see from agents on Twitter, they want to see more manuscripts with a sense of immediacy. I akin it to reading the newspaper vs. watching the news on TV. One tells stories of the past, the other tells about events as they occur. Nothing wrong with either. :)

  2. I agree with KD, like the opening sentence. Hope that's going to play a bit part of the story.

    Really liked the relationship and interactions between Dee and Jordan. Feel you got the conflict of younger adoration and elder's frustrations well and that felt real.

    The use of the chess gives a good insight into her calm and logical mind.

    Lots of clues set such as the time beginning and the hulk rage which makes me curious as to whats to come.

    The only part for me which jarred slightly was mum building a mars buggy in the basement. Obviously I don'd know how real this is- it could be a model, play things etc but if it were really actually a rover, I found it a stretch that it would be constructed in the basement of a home. Perhaps this is covered beyond page 5?

    1. Hi Prentis! Thanks for the comment. You make a great point. I'll clarify the rover issue in the next revision.

    2. Its so hard with only 5 pages to know how much is integral to the plot or not. Really enjoyed reading though and look forward to the redraft.

  3. There is so much to like about this opening, especially the opening line. It's really intriguing!

    I have to say though, I was a little confused when the date was 2029 yet your description of the book says YA Contemporary. I know 2029 is pretty close, but I wouldn't call it contemporary... But it does explain (maybe) why Mom is building a Mars rover in the basement.

    Deidre's interaction with her brother feels natural and gives some good insights into her character. From the chess we learn that she's logical and strategic. From her playing alone we see that she's either lonely or perfectly happy with her own company. And from Jordan's drawing, we learn that she has a temper and that's something other people know about her.

    I'm wondering about the use of contemporary super-heroes. Will Thor and Batman still be relevant 10 years from now? At the rate the movies are chewing through comic-book characters, I imagine in 10 years there will be new heroes kids will reference - or old, really obscure ones from comic books barely anyone ever read when they were written...

    1. Hi! Thanks for the commentary. I never thought about the relevancy of the current superhero cast. You're right; chances are, they'll be new heroes. You've given me something to think about!

  4. Like others have mentioned, I like the opening line. I also wondered about the time. It reads more like sci-fi to me so far. I'm wondering how much Mom tinkering with Mars rovers in the basement figures into the rest of the book. I'm also wondering about the age of the MC. To me, it reads more like MG. Also, I felt like Jordan's character was much younger than described. I was surprised to read that he was in 3rd grade. I liked the use of the drawing to give insight into the characters. I'm wondering what she means about the darkness surrounding her father.

    1. Hi Susan! Thanks for the comment. There are some mild sci-fi elements in this book, but I didn't want to bog down the genre listing. Though it might be better if I do. :)

  5. Hi, Kim! First of all: GREAT VOICE. Great opening. But it feels a little unfocused in that you start with a very authorial POV before settling in to your main character; it's stylistic and wonderful, but for YA it might be a little less than compelling to younger readers. You tell us a lot about Mom, but you don't define it in terms of how Deidre feels about it, and for young readers I think it might be too much? LOVE Jordan and Deidre though. I think the relationship there is fantastic. I'm intrigued! BTW, I don't mind the present tense, BUT you need to know why you're using it. I get the sense that you do; I get the idea that the present tense is related to the "time" theme, so for me it's fine. But if that's not it, you might take a second look. (I use present tense in thrillers b/c I want that sense of immediacy and uncertainty, but I almost always use past tense in YA.)

    1. Hi Rachel! Thank you for your feedback! I'll certainly try to push Deirdre's feelings in hopes of better connecting the reader. I completely understand the authorial concern. It's been mine for a while. Because this is a time travel book, I wanted the relationship b/w time and man to be upfront and clear, so that it reflects the decisions made later in the novel. It's a complicated maneuver. Thank you for taking the ride with me. :)

  6. Kim,
    Thanks for submitting! I love most of this, the dialogue and internal thoughts are well-crafted and full of voice. Only a couple of nitpicky things:

    * I am confused on the first few sentences. Is this a time travel book? Does she control time? I wanted more of that, and if it is neither of those I would consider revising ...

    * Are they living on Mars? It didn't feel like it with plants and potting soil unless they are in some sort of biosphere? If so, perhaps we get a better sense of the setting with her looking out the window. And I'm curious about her dad buying her a chess set ... are there stores there too? If she's not on Mars and her mom is working on a rover for a projected journey, I want to know more about that as well!

    * You mention she is 12. That's not typically young adult. If this is indeed a time travel book and it's just one scene, that's fine. Otherwise I'm not sure ... she also sounds very much older than 12.

    Hopefully those comments help. I know there's a very good chance the confusion gets cleared up after page 5 (it is hard sometimes to stop reading here!) but they are just things I definitely wanted to know sooner rather than later :)

    1. Hi Nikki! Thank you for your commentary. I fully embrace nitpicks. :)

      Wow, your questions/comments are right on the money. Yes, this is a time travel book. The first chapter is set in the future. The remainder of the novel is set in 2009. The Mom (and Dad) are the actual MCs of the novel.

      You've given me a lot to think about for the next revision! Thank you so much!

    2. Woohoo!! I'm glad I picked up on some of it :)