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[–]gbstermitePartassipant [1] 23.5k points23.5k points  (393 children)

NTA. This is why one has to be so careful when blending families. To go from having a room to being made to feel like a guest hurts. There should have been some conversation before any renovations happened. Give your dad a chance though. He knows he messed up and does want to fix it

[–]roomthrow33[S] 13.1k points13.1k points  (353 children)

It's not even just that. They make me babysit the younger kids more often than in ok with. It's kind of been building to this point.

[–]gbstermitePartassipant [1] 7183 points7184 points  (128 children)

Yah that a no from me. I have a firm rule about babysitting: I did not bring them into the world; therefore they are not my problem. Far to many people whine about “family helping each other” when it goes far past that point. My family will happily take a mile when you give them an inch. 2 hrs of babysitting can easily turn into a week. Nope

[–]AnimalLover38 1771 points1772 points  (59 children)

It totally depends on the family and the dynamic of course. Every now and then i "babysit" my cousins who are a few years younger than me. At most its 3 times a year and i greatly enjoy it because our dynamic make it more of a hangout/catching up than actual babysitting.

Same thing with my brothers. I'm oldest so at least once a week we're all left home alone for a few hours (almost 24/7 during summers). But to me it's never felt like "babysitting" because we're all old enough to do our own things and go to bed, eat, and bathe on our own, and they don't really go crazy or become brats when mom and dad are gone because we're all introverts.

My family isn't perfect by any means but i think it really helps that there's a familial respect among everyone so there's not really anyone who takes advantage of a one time yes to babysitting.

[–]vikingboogers 1375 points1376 points  (52 children)

I hated "babysitting" for my mother cause it meant raising three children who didn't listen to me because anytime I tried to reinforce anything with timeout or even just a talking to I would be punished because I wasn't their mother. If I'm not their mother don't make me raise them!

On the other hand my mother in law needs babysitting some Fridays and I happily do it because he is well mannered and listens. I've never even had to count or anything!

So I agree with you it depends very much on who it is.

[–]strobonic 979 points980 points  (23 children)

It's straight up not "babysitting" unless you're allowed to say no. If you're not allowed to say no, you're a caregiver. Forcing someone to be a caregiver for other people's children is wrong. It's especially wrong to force a child to be a caregiver.

[–]Hold_the_Relish 669 points670 points  (15 children)

Actually, it's not just wrong, it's a form of abuse called parentification.

[–]RiskyWriter 550 points551 points  (9 children)

I haven’t heard this term before. I “parented” my four younger siblings from when I was age ten all the way through high school. I had no life - no extra curriculars and the rare few I had were used as punishment for things like forgetting to switch laundry or not doing the dishes well enough. When I was ten, I was changing my youngest brother’s cloth (fuuuuuu) diapers and babysitting solo from after school to bedtime. It was hell. I will have to talk to my therapist about “parentification”.

[–]totalitarianbnarbp 302 points303 points  (3 children)

That was me too. I still raise my siblings. I am my brothers legal guardian and he’s an adult (with childhood onset schizophrenia). I make medical and financial decisions for him. He has a lot of input but if he starts making large purchases or a lot of mini purchases that don’t make sense I get alerted and put a freeze on the account before too much damage is done. It’s shitty though being “the bad guy”. My mum died, but my dad is still alive. He gets to be the friend and I’m the asshole who takes him for injections and to doctors appointments. 🙁

Ever since I was about ten and our live in nanny left I’ve been parenting two boys who were ten and five years younger than me. It’s been heavy. I didn’t have a normal childhood at all.

♥️♥️♥️ it’s tough to be so different from your peers. You have a lot of freedom in some ways, but heavy expectations.

I’m sorry your parents did that to you as well. I felt like a kid of pippi longstocking and Cinderella. Waiting for CPS to show up always. It was so strange. Not many people can relate, and I’m sorry that you can. 💗

[–]SocialminefieldPartassipant [1] 144 points145 points  (3 children)

That's a really good point. I saw what happened to my cousin after she spent more than a year off school to work on the farm and be the primary caregiver for their Mum, who had Huntington's Disease and was suffering from the associated dementia. My cousin was 15 when she decided to take leave from school - and the Education Department allowed it, and so did all her older siblings and their Dad. After 12 months or so, my cousin reached overload point and spent some time in hospital, not knowing quite who she or anyone else was, and not recognising anyone she knew. She's since recovered from that, and has her own family and stuff, but at the time, all the adults started panicking because they thought the disease had suddenly manifested (hereditary, more at risk if female). I was horrified by all this, and couldn't understand why my parents wouldn't at least drive me to their place on weekends so i could help out. "Family help family" and "it's their business" are two notions that i still despise. The family had some help, but in their and my family's church, the phrase "we don't want to get outsiders involved" was gospel. Those words still raise my pulse rate slightly, and i haven't set foot in one of their meetings for over 22 years.

ETA my cousin couldn't say no to being the caregiver, not with the way that church insisted that girls be raised, not with the expectations all around her from her family, and definitely not when she heard all the excuses from everybody else and realised that she was the only one to look after their Mum. Once she offered, instead of talking her out of it, they all jumped on board straightaway, and suddenly she was in a position where instead of having an option to say "ummm maybe I shouldn't do this alone", she would have had to stop caring for her mother. By the time she became the carer, she was already doing most of the work, and that's why she decided to ask for time off school.

[–]Celany 176 points177 points  (4 children)

Another yes to this. I had to "babysit" my younger cousins pretty much from 12 until I moved away from college at 18. Which basically meant getting in trouble if they did anything bad and I didn't stop them (because I was baby sitting them, and thus responsible) AND getting in trouble if they did anything bad and I tried to stop them (because I wasn't their mother, so who was I to try to discipline them?).

This is one of the very many reasons why I despise much of my family and have nothing to do with most of them.

[–]Revo63Asshole Aficionado [14] 66 points67 points  (1 child)

That kind of deal is total crap. I would make sure my kids knew that the babysitter had full authority over them including (non corporal) punishment. And would most likely get punished even more when I got home.

[–]Deathbydragonfire 87 points88 points  (2 children)

Haha yes this. I got in tons of trouble whenever I would try to even ask my sister not to do things she wasn't supposed to. "You're not the mommy", well you're not doing your job.

Now that I'm an adult I understand my parent's perspective more but it frustrated the crap out of me when I was 10

[–]godisawoman1 431 points432 points  (14 children)

As a woman some people act like I should automatically want to help other women with babies when they’re struggling(even though the dad is right there). I say fuck that, I have birth control fucking injected into my arm for a reason, so I don’t have to deal with kids and can enjoy my 20’s. I’m not having anyone’s kids when I don’t want to, it’s in my arm so even if I get raped I’m protected against zygotes.

[–]SocialminefieldPartassipant [1] 210 points211 points  (2 children)

This comment made me actually chuckle 😁 it's great when a room with 5 Dads in it suddenly look to the only woman to help deal with an extraordinarily squirty powershit from an angry wee baby, instead of automatically looking to one of the men who have had actual experience with these things, eh? Still, i notice this gradually being done away with with a few people i know, and with the general public too. If parent is a man and gets caught in a baby catastrophe in public, other Dads tend to step forward more readily and help the struggling guy out. I think that this is a good thing.

[–]redandbluenights 124 points125 points  (3 children)

Just know that even the best birth control can fail. My son was the result of a sexual assault while on bc. I was 29.

My best friend and I decided to get together, raise the kid and we got married - we both planned to be child free by choice- but we're actually both very happy with how things turned out (as far as kids go, mine is pretty f'n awesome and has been a piece of cake from day one). But yeah, I hear you.

I was a cop and just because I was a woman, I was often the one who had kids thrust at me during the shit hitting the fan. Sorry- I didn't graduate top of my class and work twice as hard as the guys just to get hired so I could hold snotty brats while you handle the domestic. Nope. Big fat fucking NOPE.

I quickly got a reputation for "hating kids" (which wasn't true, but regardless- I didn't mind because my coworkers stopped trying to force me into watching people's kids when things went shitty with kids around).

[–]bladesmithereenPartassipant [1] 175 points176 points  (0 children)

It's also so funny that the "family need to help family" people never reciprocate.

[–]kronaz 58 points59 points  (0 children)

family helping each other

But people can't force that shit on family they had no say in. Like, we're already born into one, that's enough involuntary kinship for one lifetime. If you're lucky, you get a good one, if not... well.

But you can't divorce someone, marry someone else, and expect your first kids to treat these strangers like family just because you got a legal document that says some lady gets your last name now.

[–]BrinaGu3Partassipant [2] 1577 points1578 points  (16 children)

NTA - Having your own room means that your father's house if also yours. A pullout couch in his wife's office is treating you like a guest. And if you only see your dad on weekends, and when you do see him he goes out with his wife expecting you to watch her kids then he is doubly TA

[–]rebel_loves 400 points401 points  (15 children)

Not to mention he would have zero privacy and wouldn't be able to get any alone time if it meant interfering with stepmom's office work.

[–]Asifdude 292 points293 points  (0 children)

No sleeping in, sorry Stepmom has to work, get out and watch the kids.

[–]forgonsj 1397 points1398 points  (15 children)

Sorry this is happening to you. When I started reading this, I assumed you were an adult who is living in your own apartment or dorm, and I thought, "So they converted your old room - so what?" Then you said that you were 15 and it kind of hit me. Your feelings are totally legitimate - anyone would feel that way, and some would scream their head off if their room was taken over like that.

Your dad sounds really hurt by the mistake he made, and like he really wants to make it better. Between converting your room and making you babysit, he took you for granted. If this is the first time you've let him know your feelings then it would be good to give him a second chance. He still cares about you and loves - he just wasn't doing a good job of seeing things from your perspective.

If he's worthy of a second chance then give him one. This was probably a big wake-up call for him. But if you don't think that's the case then you are being reasonable by telling him you'll visit but declining to stay overnight.

[–]Greankeaper 586 points587 points  (0 children)

NTA. My thoughts exactly. I, too, thought you were an adult who had moved out - then I realized you are 14! They took your room and turned it into an office!!! Jesus christ! The nerve!

[–]caryonsinahotgluegun 333 points334 points  (3 children)

I was thinking the same thing at first. My parents got rid of my room as soon as I moved it and I'll admit it hurt, but that's how life is. Being only 15 tho is a TOTALLY different story!

[–]Yikes44Asshole Enthusiast [6] 190 points191 points  (1 child)

I was 26 and renting when my parents told me they'd turned my bedroom into an office - and I cried down the phone! It felt terrible to lose that bit of stability in my life. I can't imagine how much worse that would feel at 14.

[–]heili 288 points289 points  (1 child)

Yeah at first I was thinking that's what happens when you grow up, move out and have your own life and then I saw the edit where OP says 15 years old.

That's bullshit. A 15 year-old should not be on the pull-out couch bed in their own home (and if it's a parent's house, it is their own home too).

[–]CigarLover 59 points60 points  (0 children)

I'm just worried his Dad/step mom are trying to fix things because of the lack of a baby sitter....

[–]sailor_earthh 401 points402 points  (1 child)

Yeah they’re not your babies. Your trips with your father should be spent with him, not watching the children.

I think you’re setting good boundaries here and being a bigger person for still wanting to see your dad.

[–]jadage 279 points280 points  (22 children)

Demand payment.

Edit: when I say "demand," I don't mean you have to be forceful or aggressive. But that is a service that they should be paying for, full stop. You should make sure they know that you know you're aware of that, and that you won't let them exploit your labor anymore.

When I was a sitter, I charged $20/hr (in NYC), plus $5 per hour for additional kids. You would not be unreasonable to ask for similar.

[–]Memalinda108 239 points240 points  (14 children)

NTA If they use you as a babysitter on your weekend visits... they’re the ‘A’s. Edit: why didn’t they put her 2 boys in the same room ? That way she got an office and you weren’t made to think you lost your place in the family. From experience I found parents lose their minds sometimes when they’re bending over backwards to make the new spouse and stepchildren comfortable. Somehow they think it’s ok to step on their own children in order to keep the good side of their new family. You do whatever you need to do. If that means not staying overnight, don’t. Take your opportunity when your father wants to have a serious talk.

[–]frumpy_teapot 187 points188 points  (43 children)

I don't know what degree "more often than you're okay with" is. But the general pattern you're describing is called parentification. It is a form of child abuse that robs kids of their childhood. You are absolutely right to shut that shit down and get as far away from it as you can.

[–]SituationSoap 206 points207 points  (40 children)

Leaping from "sometimes I have to babysit on random weekends when I'm visiting" to child abuse is an absurd jump of logic.

[–]LucretiusCarus 163 points164 points  (8 children)


It sound like it is too much for OP. He shouldn't be a babysitter, and from his description, there's a pattern that he is considered a guest nanny, rather than a child.

[–]frumpy_teapot 97 points98 points  (26 children)

Yeah, this sounds like "sometimes I babysit on random weekends." In keeping with just getting rid of the room with no input from OP, I highly doubt this is just a random weekend thing. And being made to watch your siblings (or step/half/whatever-siblings) is still parentification. It doesn't become non-abusive just because they only occasionally saddle their child with a burden that should fall to a parent or paid adult against their will. It's not an appropriate burden to force upon a kid ever. The only reason I was uncertain about degree in the above comment is that sometimes otherwise good, non-abusive people just don't realize that this is wrong.

[–]minahmyu 129 points130 points  (0 children)

I had a feeling there was more the moment you mentioned "final moment that seal the deal" (along those lines). They see you as a free babysitter but not as a family member anymore and in a way push you out. NTA

[–]LIVEfromtheTARDIS 107 points108 points  (1 child)

I understand that. My “helping out” with my siblings turned into me being their second parent. I’m basically a glorified live-in nanny now. Don’t let them treat you like that OP. NTA

[–]BrownEyedQueen1982 76 points77 points  (2 children)

Babysitting occasionally isn’t too bad, but all they time they need to pay. I can’t stand parents who use older kids as free babysitters.

[–]Nynydancer 145 points146 points  (2 children)

Agree. I was heartbroken for you just reading that. I am sure your father feels bad and is sincere, but I don’t blame you at all and it was a stupid move on the part of the adults. You are NOT a guest and I hope your father can make things right. You stepmother really sounds awful. I can’t imagine doing that to anyone.

[–]luckbealady1994 11.6k points11.6k points  (91 children)

NTA I don’t understand how at 15 years old you’re expected to be okay with a pullout couch when you stay with your dad 3/4 weekends a month and all summer.... like damn.

[–]stuartsparadox 7734 points7735 points  (34 children)

Yeah, I didn't know he was 15 at first. It read more like he was grown and out of the house and that would make him the AH. But no, being 15 and in more of a visitation thing he is definitely NTA.

[–]emthejedichic 3645 points3646 points  (10 children)

Me too, I thought maybe he was in college and I was like, “ok, that’s rough but he’s an adult” but at 15 this is most definitely not ok.

[–]Icarusqt 3139 points3140 points  (5 children)

Lol, same. I'm reading it thinking "Who gives a shit? You don't live there. You're just visiting."

"I'm 15."

Oh..... huge difference now. lol

[–]EnterTheBugbearColo-rectal Surgeon [30] 1444 points1445 points  (1 child)

yeahhh I am glad I checked the comments before replying, I had a very uncharitable image of OP as some bitch-ass adult crying about losing their childhood bedroom. 15 years old, and still there very frequently? Dad should feel like shit, he fucked up bad.

[–]henchwench89Partassipant [4] 186 points187 points  (0 children)

Same. Im so glad im not the only person who read it that way

[–]PrisAustin 120 points121 points  (2 children)

Same!! I was thinking, dude, if you live somewhere else, like go sleep at your house, why you spending the weekend at your dad's, grow up... xD in my mind he was staying there to get free meals or what ever. @OP, you are NTA!

[–]KrazyKatz3Partassipant [1] 524 points525 points  (3 children)

Yeah I was like damn that's pretty rough but hey you can't expect your room to be a shrine forever when you're grown up. I was still going for NTA because there was no warning and that's rude. But the kid is 14! Oh my god.

[–]Phoneas__and__Frob 456 points457 points  (1 child)

OP is 15? Oh yeah, fuck that. NTA


[–]white_violets 268 points269 points  (1 child)

I thought he was adult at first and still thought it was mean to do this without talking to him first. If you keep a room for someone in your house, you let them know if there's a change coming. Now knowing he's a kid: Sheesh.

[–]abeazachaPartassipant [3] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

Also I wonder what was made of all his belongings in the old room cause more often than not there's very little regard for the stuff from the first marriage kid.

[–]nassauismydog 166 points167 points  (0 children)

Same thing here. I skimmed the OP and had to go back when i saw all the NTA verdicts. Totally agree.

[–]notJustAnotherWoman 79 points80 points  (1 child)

Ow. I was thinking the same. I mean I didn't demanded a room anymore when my mom had to move but I was in college so I told her I didn't mind because the time I spend was going to be limited anyway. But had she done that when I was younger... I would've been pissed. Doesn't visitation require a decent bedroom for him?

[–]otterdoctor 1121 points1122 points  (14 children)

tbh I expected OP to be 18-24, probably in college or just out, this messed up to do a 15 year old - NTA.

[–]luckbealady1994 573 points574 points  (1 child)

Right?? Like... way to show your kid he isn’t part of your “new” family....

[–]SoVerySleepy81 292 points293 points  (8 children)

Yeah, I thought OP was an adult and had him judged as the asshole for most of his post, then I got to his edit and it changed fast. He's still a kid and his dad really should have known better.

[–]N0rthWind 317 points318 points  (5 children)

Even as a young adult, doing this to someone's room without telling them would justify them being mad. Perhaps not taking it this far, but seeing your childhood room "renovated" to someone else's office with your presence in it being less than an afterthought would definitely sting.

Doing this to a 15-year-old is just criminal.

[–]SoVerySleepy81 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Oh for sure, communication is really important with stuff like this

[–]DataIsMyCopilotAsshole Enthusiast [5] 645 points646 points  (10 children)

Yeah I was like "Get over it, OP, it's his house" until I got to the age. I thought the kid was an adult who had moved out and just visited his father on trips or w/e. The fact this is a 15 year old kid dad has visitation with makes op 100% NTA. The fact pops did this without even discussing it first is crazy to me.

I don't know what it is about people who remarry and then just seem to fucking forget they still have kids from the first relationship.

[–]spencerdyke 322 points323 points  (8 children)

It’s crazy, dude. When my dad remarried (less than two months after his divorce with my mom was finalized, and without me ever meeting the new woman) he planned on moving out of state, and leaving me to fend for myself, to live with her and her kids. He also didn’t even TELL ME that this is what he was planning to do: I only found out because I overheard him talking to his new wife about it on the phone. I was 17. His plan was to basically abandon me as soon as I turned 18, with no warning whatsoever.

I was terrified that I was about to be homeless. I was getting rid of my stuff, trying to rehome my pets, and getting on a waitlist for a homeless shelter. Ultimately my dad found out he couldn’t get as much for the house as he wanted, so he didn’t end up moving. I’ll never forget that, though. I love my dad, but he poisoned our relationship.

He also openly refers to me and my brother as ‘extra baggage’ from his first marriage, which he tries to pretend never happened.

[–]orion_nomad 206 points207 points  (0 children)

Holy shit your dad is an asshole. Are you sure you want a relationship with someone who calls you extra baggage to your face? Jesus. Hope he's cool with his stepkids picking out his crappy nursing home lmao.

[–]bigchebo 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Family is just a word to describe how you know someone. There is zero reason to love your father if that’s how he treats you.

[–]lillycrack 316 points317 points  (2 children)

He’s not even 15. He’s fourteen. That’s way too young to be treated like a guest at home.

[–]not_todaysatan 101 points102 points  (4 children)

When I was a kid my dad and stepmom had me sleep on the living room couch for weekends. I was kicked off the living room couch around OP’s age because I might have a period and ruin my stepmom’s “nice” couch. I asked where I was supposed to sleep and the answer was apparently the floor. I never went back. I feel for him, it absolutely sucked. I still don’t feel welcome in that family even though my dad puts more effort into our relationship now. I have 0 relationship with my stepfamily. I really hope it goes better for OP.

[–]tigertorpeedoCertified Proctologist [29] 7266 points7267 points  (182 children)


I can’t believe they tried to sell taking away your bed and giving you a pull out couch as a positive “surprise.” If there is anything your dad can do that would make you feel welcome and want to stay there again, it would be nice of you to share that with him, but you don’t have to.

[–]roomthrow33[S] 5524 points5525 points  (179 children)

I don't know if this can be fixed to be honest. I've been feeling a weird way for a while now. And this situation just topped it.

I love my dad but it's clear he's not the person I thought he was. And I'm a little suspicious he's more upset about possibly paying more money to my mom.

[–]BG_1952 3509 points3510 points 2 (76 children)

So, instead of spending time with you when you visit, they leave you to babysit? And they took your room and converted it into an office and gave you a futon to sleep on? So your clothes are left in a suitcase and you have no real place to put things while you're there? You're just a guest visitor, not a real member of the family (as they see their family). I wouldn't want to go back either. Better to have a day visit or dinner out, where Dad can focus on you. Too bad, so sad, if he has to pay more in support money for you. They could have even had the two boys share a room on weekends when you're there but they didn't think at all about how you would feel. I'd keep my relationship with them but make it a cordial, polite one with no real depth, as I think they'll only hurt you more in future because they lack any sense of how to respect you.

[–]ZykiumAsshole Enthusiast [8] 1855 points1856 points  (47 children)


No, op is "The Help"

[–]Mystery_SubstanceCertified Proctologist [23] 666 points667 points  (45 children)

The help gets paid. I'm guessing that OP doesn't get paid for babysitting their siblings and OP's dad refers to it as "bonding time". OP is an occasional slave.

[–]Mrpoedameron 1184 points1185 points  (11 children)

OP is an occasional slave.

Fuck me, this sub isn't half dramatic sometimes.

[–]Canibalope 625 points626 points  (31 children)

OP is an occasional slave.

Not to be that person, but this is some white people shit.

[–]OneManLost 832 points833 points  (14 children)

I was always a guest at my bio-dads house, his wife made sure I felt unwelcomed as well. I had a choice to either sleep on the couch in the living room, or the floor. My dad worked most of the time I was sent over on his weekends. The stepkids (all older than me) were jerks, so I spent the majority of the time in his garage with the b/w tv on. I'd build model cars, throw darts, polish metal, whatever to stay away from them. Yeah, it sucked big time.

Oh, and he was pissed when he tried to entice me to live with them and I declined that offer, he wanted my mom to pay him child support. They still had no room for me to stay in, so I would be still sleeping on the couch.

[–]Rgsmith1990 414 points415 points  (0 children)

What a bastard

[–]Llayanna 258 points259 points  (0 children)

I wonder how you could refuse such a charming offer..

..some humans are just urgh.

[–]CapableLetterhead 115 points116 points  (0 children)

Oh fuck that. You poor thing.

[–]rehtulx 172 points173 points  (0 children)

"Nah imma headout...I got a tempurpedic at home and 1500 threadcount sheets with the extra child support, but thanks fam.Besides I don’t want to miss surf and turf night either.”

[–]rosehavan 131 points132 points  (0 children)

This comment right here is my thoughts exactly. Good advice op

[–]CapableLetterhead 80 points81 points  (1 child)

Yeah. That's fucked up. I was never expected to look after my brother for longer than it took my mum to go to the supermarket and back. Even then we just watched TV. Like I hardly even had to make him a sandwich. Just stop the psycho getting his hands on matches.

[–]frickinjaygaragearoo 578 points579 points  (15 children)


Maintaining a painful relationship with a parent who treats you like that is only going to hurt more in the long run.

[–]jellybean792 439 points440 points  (14 children)

My dad used to complain to me when I was younger about having to pay child support and how much he resented it... it was one of the main things that ruined my opinion of him and made it difficult to have a sincere relationship. I'm now 27 and we see each other for one weekend every year, and have done for the last 10 years.

[–]frickinjaygaragearoo 288 points289 points  (2 children)

Yep...my dad refused to pay child support for me and to make a long story short we haven't spoken since I was 16 (12 years ago). I'm much better off than my siblings, who have to beg to see him once or twice a year, every time he cancels on them it's like they're 9 again and still think he'll do the right thing this time...

[–]BestCatEva 160 points161 points  (0 children)

I haven’t seen or heard from my father (or anyone on that side) in 43 years! Since I was 8. Child support stopped, so did visitation. Never heard from again. I did send a FB request in 2012...no answer. Know that this is not an uncommon situation, then or now. Don’t even think it’s related to you personally, because it’s not. Other people’s pathology isn’t yours to fix.

[–]frumpy_teapot 475 points476 points  (14 children)


Hold on to this suspicion please. I don't think he's genuinely remorseful at all. Every instance I've ever seen of a manipulative person being shut down when they're crying crocodile tears ended with them becoming extremely nasty and hostile towards the person they wronged. You need to be prepared for your dad to change his tone and blow up at you and try to shift blame to you when he sees that the tears aren't working.

[–]DeniseIsEpic 191 points192 points  (1 child)

EXACTLY THIS!!! Anger always comes after the tears when they're trying to manipulate. Shock, anger, blame shifting. Usually like a domino effect.

[–]Lin0712 68 points69 points  (1 child)

At least she is old enough to say no to visits. If he shows that he is a royal douche (more so than he already did) and treats OP worse, then OP can give him the middle finger and never see him again.

[–]2xthAsshole Enthusiast [7] 351 points352 points  (1 child)


If you're only a guest in his house with no bedroom of your own, he definitely should be paying more in child support...

[–]Lullaby37 162 points163 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's not "shared custody" at all. He should pay more as you're not welcome.

[–]ShelfLifeInc 236 points237 points  (4 children)

I know the "straw that broke the camel's back" line is overused, but sometimes it's completely accurate - one "tiny" action is all it takes for you to look back at many more and say, "you know what, fuck it, I'm done." With my dad, I was willing to tolerate him and tolerate his bullshit...until he said one offensive thing, then I never spoke to him again. I didn't do it out of anger or spite. It was just that that comment was the moment I realised "he'll never change".

If it was just a one-off in a good relationship, I'd give different advice. But this is the final straw after a list of things that have made you feel bad and forgotten. NTA, you are doing the right thing. Don't ever get into the habit of accepting poor treatment in the hopes of being loved.

[–]drewdog173 121 points122 points  (0 children)

Why did one straw break the camel's back? Here's the secret: The million other straws underneath it, it's all mathematics

Mos Def

[–]Kh2008 159 points160 points  (2 children)

Have you talked to your dad about how you feel before this happened? I used to kind of be in your situation, my dad remarried and had a second child. They never took away my room, but my stepmom used to do a thing where she would ask me to take a family picture and it would really upset me. I never said anything (because I was a teenager) and my dad just wasn't aware. It wasn't until I was in college that I talked to him about it and he talked with my stepmom so it never happened again.

I know it's hard because you're so young, but sometimes being a parent and merging families can be hard.

[–]Beanz4everPartassipant [1] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

This OP! Please try and talk it out. I don’t know your gender, but I’m leaning towards female? Either way, older dudes are sometimes not so great at communication, never taught to deal with emotions and/or flex their empathy muscle. As absolutely shitty as it sounds, he might not have had any idea you were feeling a weird way. And while I don’t want to assume (as others have done) that he’s manipulative, or a bad parents, or a cheapskate, or whatever - if you haven’t tried to explain your feelings to him before now and just blew up with the final straw, I’d suggest trying to reconnect with him and telling him EVERYTHING that has been hurting you. This may be a salvageable relationship, and if it is, there is a possibility of regretting this decision made so young. In general, redditors seem to assume worst possible scenario. Please remember that Dad is a person too, and makes mistakes, and deserves a chance to correct them.

And a dude crying doesn’t necessarily mean he’s manipulative. It may mean he is truly heartbroken to realize that he has hurt you so badly that you don’t want to spend as much time with him. My hubby is not manipulative at ALL but when he unintentionally hurts me and I cry, he gets weepy too. He just can’t stand the idea that he did something to hurt me.

[–]Blessed_Storm 120 points121 points  (2 children)

Sometimes you have to lay it all on the table. Tell him exactly how you feel, and if he can't work with you he can't work with you.

Edit: Nvm, you're fifteen. I would say NTA either way, but this is reprehensible. You're not a guest, that's supposed to be your home.

I'd be really interested to see what the court would say about the living arrangement, given how strict they tend to be about what constitutes a livable arrangement.

[–]Naay_Partassipant [1] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

OP isn’t even 15 yet :( poor baby. My heart is breaking for them.

[–][deleted]  (64 children)


    [–]frumpy_teapot 3542 points3543 points  (39 children)

    Almost fifteen. OP is fourteen. Way too fucking young to be dealing with this bullshit. OP's dad and stepmom are absolutely assholes and OP needs to stay as far away as possible.

    [–]SaltyCauldronPartassipant [1] 971 points972 points  (7 children)

    And they make him babysit more often than he is comfortable with!

    I’m glad he’s able to put his foot down and express his emotions calmly.

    [–]frumpy_teapot 595 points596 points  (4 children)

    I'm honestly wondering what other things OP's dad does that OP doesn't realize are over the line. My wife's parents were abusive assholes and she still sometimes apologizes when she's sick just out of ingrained habit (she knows it's ridiculous, but it's still habit), because her mom would see it as an attack when one of her kids got sick and her dad would act like they're just weak or faking.

    [–]SaltyCauldronPartassipant [1] 222 points223 points  (1 child)

    I apologize for being upset. Because my parents would yell at me.

    OP did say they did a lot of stuff and this was just what tipped him over the edge. I’ve put up with a lot of shit in my life, and I’m not that much older than OP.

    I’m super proud of him for being able to stand up for himself in the face of a parent who put him on the sidelines. I couldn’t’ve done that at 14.

    [–]cooldeadpunk 303 points304 points  (3 children)

    Until this comment I didnt realize that OP was so young. I thought this was some college kid crying his childhood bedroom got converted to something that is useful instead of a place for him to crash.

    Definetely NTA

    [–]yogifit111Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3901 points3902 points  (33 children)

    NTA this is classic 'let me make a second family because I fucked up my first one and pretend everything is business as usual' bs... Also a lot of custody agreements require the child to have their own bedroom and at 15 you're still a child.

    [–]iloveouterspace 979 points980 points  (3 children)

    For some reason I missed the age and that makes it so much worse. Dad sucks and OP is right to feel angry and upset. I wonder what happened OP's belongings, posters, momentos etc probably shoved in a box to the side

    [–]alxfrizzy421 308 points309 points  (2 children)

    I missed the age as well and was thinking that the office with futon idea was actually kind of smart, if OP was simply going to be a guest every now and then. You get an office and guest room rolled into one. But your own kid, who is still your dependant? Wtf.

    [–]minisunshine 458 points459 points  (1 child)

    Says 15 in a few months. OP is only 14.

    [–]Miss_Peridot 160 points161 points  (5 children)

    This is 100% what it is

    OP said the dad was worried about having to pay more

    He failed to uphold his end of the custody agreement

    [–]Wienerwrld 2076 points2077 points  (190 children)

    INFO: How old are you?

    [–]roomthrow33[S] 2601 points2602 points  (129 children)

    I'm going to be 15 in a few months.

    [–]Wienerwrld 1234 points1235 points  (65 children)

    Ah. Then I’ll go with a NTA. It’s hard to keep a bedroom for a kid that only visits occasionally, but dad could have made more of an effort to make you feel like you had some kind of place in his home. I think day visits and dinners are a good compromise offer on your part.

    [–]franknelsonyes 3164 points3165 points  (35 children)

    a kid that only visits occasionally

    This is the same type of thinking that likely led to the problem--the idea that OP is just visiting when he goes to his dad's. OP lives at his dad's, just not full time. His dad's home is also OP's home. He's not a visitor, he's an immediate family member. From a practical standpoint, converting OP's room was a logical choice, as it is used the least; however, practicality shouldn't govern all decisions. The emotional impact of taking away OP's space and treating him like a guest instead of a member of the household should have been given more weight.

    [–]Wienerwrld 587 points588 points  (2 children)

    This is an excellent point.

    [–]EdricStorm 210 points211 points  (1 child)

    Yeah. I was about to say "Well, it sucks but this is part of getting older. My parents did the same thing a couple of years after I moved out." But when I learned it was a custody situation, that's crappy. I was in the same situation and my father, who I stayed with probably like 3 times a year, had a bedroom for me to sleep in.

    [–]ChrissiTea 474 points475 points  (13 children)

    And why get rid of the bed entirely and replace it with a sofa bed?!

    Such a "fuck you" move

    [–]fuck_off_ireland 276 points277 points  (5 children)

    Right!! I've seen plenty of "guest room/offices" that had a bed and a desk. Even if space was cramped, that's pretty disrespectful to OP to unilaterally take away his bed.

    [–]jmc323 294 points295 points  (0 children)

    For real, I only have my son every other weekend and one night on the off weeks...he has everything here you would expect any kid to have in a permanent home. His room with his bed, dresser filled with clothes, closets filled with old toys and whatnot. It's his own private space to keep his private belongings, do his homework, hang out. That door stays shut when he's not home.

    [–]DGer 166 points167 points  (0 children)

    You nailed it. At the minimum it would have been nice for the father and step mother to have a conversation with OP before doing it.

    [–]07budgj 510 points511 points  (3 children)

    OP visits most weekends and all of summer. That's not occasionally, that's often.

    [–]Midge- 274 points275 points  (2 children)

    A growing teenage boy is supposed to sleep on a pullout couch with zero privacy all summer, right. It's beyond absurd.

    [–]scarmanders 174 points175 points  (1 child)

    Right? What if he's in his "bedroom" but the step mom wants to work in her office?

    [–]Midge- 140 points141 points  (0 children)

    It's insane. Pulling out a couch every night to sleep? Stepmom barging in to blog or whatever? Zero privacy. The dad was once a teenage boy ffs.

    [–]DrBookbox 357 points358 points  (1 child)

    only visits occasionally

    Weekends and summer custody is not even slightly the same thing as "only visits occasionally"

    [–]jmorlin 85 points86 points  (0 children)

    Me (grown ass self) visiting my parents (who live 70 miles away) every 6-8 weeks for a day or two is occasionally. I would understand if they converted my room into an office with a pullout bed. OP is a minor who spends up to 3 months straight with his dad. That's not cool.

    [–]sassyandsweer789 154 points155 points  (2 children)

    I disagree if a parent actually loves their kid they will have a bedroom for them. I grew up with divorced parents and spent about 1/4 of my year with my mom. She paid more rent and actually slept on the couch in the living room for years because she couldn't afford a 3 bedroom but she wasn't willing to give up her custody due to not having 2 bedrooms for my brother and I. My mom had a lot of issues but she loved my brother and I the best way she could and did everything she could to get her visitation. There is no excuse for not having a bedroom either shared or private for a child even if they only live part time with their parent.

    [–]viper_13 92 points93 points  (8 children)

    I agree here. I'm a step mom in a blended family. We converted one bedroom after our step daughter stopped coming over, but waited a good 9 months. Step son just recently stopped, but we are hoping to talk about it with him before downsizing or changing the bedroom arrangements.

    NTA, OP. Whoever decided this without talking to you is TA. Sorry you have to come over to that :(

    [–]Allymadox 122 points123 points  (7 children)

    Why did 2 of your stepchildren stop visiting you?

    [–]angrywithnumbers 77 points78 points  (0 children)

    It would be different if his Dad had come to him and said " We're thinking of moving stepmom's desk into your room so she can have more quiet to work since you are generally not here during the week". It still might sting but probably wouldn't feel like he was being replaced as he does in the current situation.

    [–]unimaginativeuser110Asshole Enthusiast [8] 923 points924 points  (5 children)

    You should probably put this in your post. I assumed you were an adult who moved out but that’s obviously not the case.

    [–]ficarra1002 564 points565 points  (4 children)

    Yeah I was like "What a fucking child" when I read the OP then I realized they're a literal child. NTA for sure.

    [–]errorblankfield 280 points281 points  (3 children)

    What a fucking child

    What, a fucking child?

    [–]redsox113Partassipant [1] 471 points472 points  (2 children)

    Yikes, I was on the fence because my parents did the same thing...but I was 22 and happily on my own. At 15 you're now treated like a guest in your Dad's home, NTA for sure. If he's treating you like a guest, you can act like a guest and choose not to spend the night there.

    [–]chessie_h 259 points260 points  (1 child)

    He's still actually 14. I don't think this is an irreparable, forever-done-with-you situation, but I'm proud of OP for taking a stand and making his dad (and stepmom) aware of their crappy behavior and how it's making him feel.

    [–]SaitamaHitRickSanchz 98 points99 points  (0 children)

    I am too. This is a heavy fucking thing for a 14 year old to deal with. The step mom probably pressured his dad into doing this. She should not have and he should not have caved to the pressure. He probably should have talked to OP BEFORE they did it. I get it, they're probably thinking to themselves "it's our house, we get to make the rules", but there's consequecnes for that. His father and step mom sound pretty selfish.

    [–]sarahmgrayPartassipant [3] 337 points338 points  (6 children)

    So let’s be clear: you are 1000% NTA and your dad acted like a massive asshole. It also sounds like your dad has been crappy in some other ways as well. Of course you’re hurt and angry - and Reddit loves calling out shitty family members, so you’re getting a lot of support for your decision to just be done. And if you truly want to do that, that’s totally okay.

    That said ... your dad cried and immediately offered to change it back? Sure, you can read ulterior motives into that (and maybe you are right) - but to an outside observer, that really sounds like a sincere response. Most people can’t just cry on command for an impromptu theatrical performance, you know?

    And let’s talk about the babysitting. You’re absolutely right that you should not be forced into the role of babysitter for your stepsiblings, and that should stop. But it’s entirely plausible that one of your dad’s motivations for doing that is to get you to spend time with them so that you grow to see them as your family as well. Good motivations don’t excuse bad actions, but they may make them forgivable - more importantly, they should make those bad actions fairly easy to correct.

    If you want to be done with your dad, whether totally or partially, whether just for a little while or forever, that’s okay - you get to decide with whom you have relationships and the nature of those relationships. And you certainly don’t have to be happy about the fact that your dad has remarried and has stepchildren.

    But, depending on the rest of your relationship with him, you may want to consider having a serious, frank discussion with your dad about these things. It’s possible that he is trying to handle this situation well and just doing a terrible job of it. To be fair, remarrying a partner with children isn’t exactly the easiest situation to navigate and it doesn’t sound as if he has done this before.

    If that is the case, you may want to give him a chance to be better by clearly telling specific things that you want and don’t want from him. If he sincerely wants you in his home and family, he will put in visible effort to correct the things you have problems with.

    Again, you’re not the asshole no matter what you choose and it isn’t your responsibility to parent yourself. But if your dad is sincerely trying and just doing a shitty job, you’re old enough to help build the relationship you want with him - a bit of guidance and communication from you may work wonders towards fixing this situation.

    People - including parents, especially in complicated situations like this - aren’t always good at showing others that they love and value them. In fact, they’re often bad at it. But if they genuinely value the relationship, they’ll actively work on it if you give them a push in the right direction. Consider giving that opportunity to your dad by telling him clearly what you want from him. If it works, then that’s fantastic; if it doesn’t, you can distance yourself knowing that you’ve truly made the right decision for yourself.

    Edit: I say this as someone whose dad literally never even tried - when he divorced my mom, he was done with me. I don’t excuse genuinely bad parents and if he is one, you’re better off without him. But if he is a dad who actually loves you and wants you in his home, that’s worth working on.

    [–]BowTrekAsshole Aficionado [12] 130 points131 points  (23 children)

    So you’re 14.

    [–]ChoosingIsHardToday 229 points230 points  (22 children)

    When you're a kid, it's always "I'm almost...".

    [–]radialomens 125 points126 points  (17 children)

    Well everyone in the thread is calling him 15 so it worked

    [–]ChoosingIsHardToday 88 points89 points  (13 children)

    Exactly lol

    Young people are in a hurry to grow up and old people want to stop time.

    [–]bvibviana 92 points93 points  (6 children)

    NTA OP. What your dad let his wife do was pretty messed up. The younger boys could be sharing a room if it’s that important to have a home office. You don’t just go converting your personal space without your approval. I’m sure they are upset the free babysitting may be up and that he will be paying more for child support. I’m sorry they are making you feel like a guest and not part of the family. I hope things are great with your mom.

    [–]lillycrack 87 points88 points  (0 children)

    Just say you’re 14. I don’t know if this is a parent’s influence (since they make you babysit a lot) but you don’t have to be aged up and made to feel as old as possible. You’re 14.

    [–]DamnCommute 79 points80 points  (1 child)

    Damn, that’s some key info.

    [–]fatboywonder12 64 points65 points  (0 children)

    Oh crap I thought you were old and out of the house, like 24 or something.

    This really sucks and it's great that you occasionally visit him for dinner. Try not to have a bad relationship with your father.

    [–]tubadude2 207 points208 points  (1 child)

    This was the big piece of info for me. I assumed OP was college/adult age and was more or less moved out and figured they were just being whiny (my mom converted my old room in to her office, but it still has a bed and dressers).

    Their age makes it a huge NTA. Sure, it's hard to devote a room to someone who isn't there most of the time, but it also isn't hard to make the space work for both of them and make the kid feel welcome.

    [–]QuarterinchribeyeColo-rectal Surgeon [39] 170 points171 points  (57 children)

    And what’s the custody agreement? How old are the other kids and do they stay at the house full time?

    [–]roomthrow33[S] 630 points631 points  (55 children)

    I'm supposed to go three weekends a month and all of summer plus half of all holidays.

    My stepbrothers are 6 and 7 and they are there most of the time

    [–]Biglytuff 403 points404 points  (46 children)

    Yeah that’s a definite bunk bed situation for your step siblings

    [–]kytesky 226 points227 points  (44 children)

    Oh no I disagree with this. If they live there every day and there's an empty room more than 5 days a week I think one of them should have a room.

    I say keep it all as bedrooms find space for stepmums desk elsewhere. I wouldn't mind my room being used for linen or storage whilst I was away though.

    [–]Biglytuff 337 points338 points  (33 children)

    They have to be in a shared bedroom situation for three more years when OP will be turning 18. They are kids and sharing a bedroom won’t be the end of the world at that age. If they were teenagers, it would be a different story.

    I get the inefficiency of having an empty room most of the week, but that’s the sacrifice you have to make when you have a shared custody situation. It avoids OP feeling the exact way he’s feeling right now.

    [–]notideally 112 points113 points  (0 children)

    I think definitely for the summer at least, but honestly? Step mom can find something else to do. If they have a 4 bedroom house, chances are there’s a dining room that she can convert. They made OP feel like a guest in a house that’s supposed to be a home 3/4 of every weekend, all of summer, and half of all holidays. That’s unacceptable tbh.

    [–]sassyandsweer789 248 points249 points  (2 children)

    Just so you know this is 1/3 of your life right here. During the school year you spend a decent enough time that there is no reason to get rid of your room. If its necessary they should have a bed and dresser for you. Your dad is an asshole and you have every right not to want to visit

    [–]PussyMalanga 150 points151 points  (0 children)


    Thanks for the perspective. OP would be spending an entire summer sleeping on a pull out couch, abd would presumably be expected to be out of there in time for stepmom's office hours. During which he might even be expected to do a bunch of unpaid babysitting of his stepbrothers (who are already getting favorited).

    Just to think that his father did this without even asking about it.

    [–]S1039861 1754 points1755 points  (6 children)

    NTA, how did stepmom and dad think it was going to work out when you are there half the time. Had they talked to you prior and came up with a solution it would be different. They effectively kicked you out, and are treating you like a guest and not part of the family.

    [–]lowrads 453 points454 points  (3 children)

    This is the classic of stepmom icing out the baggage. It's a story as old as time.

    [–]hollowbastionxPartassipant [1] 127 points128 points  (1 child)

    Reminds me of coming home to all of my things packed in boxes and told to leave because there was too much "estrogen in the house". It was me versus my (former) 29-year-old step mother.

    [–]ClementineCarson 82 points83 points  (0 children)


    Wait your step mom would tell you too leave because you were a woman? Wut?

    [–]ck2d 285 points286 points  (0 children)

    What the hell is the step mom going to do all summer? Abandon her office? I don't think so. He's probably going to be banned from his room except to sleep. So bogus. NTA, and crying makes the dad an even bigger asshole for trying to manipulate his kid.

    [–]Myzyri 100 points101 points  (0 children)


    This is exactly what stepmom planned from the beginning. Her two boys get rooms. She gets an office. And she doesn’t have to deal with her husband’s “baggage” from his first marriage. For her, it’s just win win win win win win win! She sucks.

    [–]Gooseberrypeach 1003 points1004 points  (19 children)

    oh hell to the no. NTA you deserve your own room just as much as anyone else. Even if you arent there all the time. And your stepmom can go shove it. She can have an office in her bedroom or convert some other part of the house.

    [–]xcarexPartassipant [2] 941 points942 points  (13 children)

    NTA. You shouldn't be made to feel like a guest at your dad's house. That's your house, too, even if you don't live there full time. When it comes to custody agreements, you should have a dedicated bedroom in both homes. It's messed up and your dad should absolutely change it back. Your stepmother's need for an office doesn't supercede your need for a private space. What were they going to do when you were living there all summer???

    [–]ghostunicorn 181 points182 points  (1 child)

    Exactly, what’s he supposed to do when he’s there all summer and new wife is working in her office? He’s got to conform to her working schedule now? Not allowed in his room during her working hours? Dad is so thoughtless.

    [–]polichompPartassipant [1] 913 points914 points  (9 children)


    You're only fourteen, but you handled this with more tact and patience than most adults have. Your father and stepmother didn't deserve that, but I want to personally commend you on your restraint.

    Your pain is justified. Though your father seems to have expressed genuine remorse and has promised to give you a room in his house again, there's no simple way to repair the damage he's done to your relationship. Taking away your room ostracized you from a family unit you may already feel it's difficult to fit into, and ultimately conveyed priority for his other family over you. Your wording also makes me believe this isn't the first instance in which he's acted without your best interest in mind.

    In the meantime, I would express thankfulness to your mother for caring so much about your relationship with your father, but ask that you be given the freedom to decide how, and if, you want him involved in your life. Deciding to keep him at arms length and keeping your expectations low is a fair response to his careless and thoughtless actions until he's committed to your relationship with him.

    I'm sorry you had to be the adult in that situation.

    Edit: I just saw your reply about the amount babysitting you're doing. While I don't feel it's out of line to ask children to watch their siblings here and there, having you fill in as a sitter for a whole summer has crossed a line. This is parentification; it can impact children well into adulthood, and some go so far as to call it emotional abuse.

    You wouldn't be out of line to tell him you're not okay with doing that again. If he wanted kids, he can raise them.

    [–]frumpy_teapot 384 points385 points  (3 children)

    I'm hesitant to call it genuine remorse so much as not wanting to live with the consequences of his own shitty decisions. Tears don't always equal remorse. Often they're meant to manipulate someone into continuing to take abuse. The fact that OP seems to be just being used by dad/stepmom and the dad only seems to think the room is the issue makes me think it's probably not genuine remorse like you're probably describing.

    [–]polichompPartassipant [1] 163 points164 points  (2 children)

    Excellent point!

    I wrote that before I knew about about the babysitting. Because this isn't an isolated incident, but a trend in the father's treatment towards OP, I'm no longer convinced that this apology is genuine, either.

    Thank you for kindly making this point!

    [–]frumpy_teapot 68 points69 points  (1 child)

    If I hadn't had to deal with extremely manipulative people in my wife's family before, I would've probably agreed with you about the remorse. It's tempting to give in when someone is crying in supposed remorse for their actions, which is why manipulative people do it. And it can be surprising how people you otherwise wouldn't think of as good actors can just turn on the waterworks when they want to manipulate (my wife's mom - if she's trying to keep like a fun secret she has a hard time keeping a straight face. When her kids threaten to cut her out of their lives she starts bawling very convincingly. When it becomes apparent the crying is getting her nowhere it instantly turns off and she goes into attack mode - it's pretty disconcerting how quickly she can go from distraught to coldly evil).

    But unless OP's dad has a very good reason for just not really being aware of what's going on in how OP is being treated (which could be possible I guess, but I feel like OP would've mentioned it), he is actively participating in using OP and now I think he's more upset about the possibility of either 1) losing his free babysitter; 2) "losing" to his ex/OP's mom in some way; 3) losing the image of a good dad and happy family; and/or 4) simply being called out as an asshole and the resulting tarnishing of his self-image. He's crying to try to lessen one/some of these consequences, not because of genuine remorse. He's probably gonna try to deflect blame onto OP if the crying doesn't work.

    [–]CajalProtegePartassipant [1] 755 points756 points  (39 children)

    Based on the additional stuff you mentioned, NTA.

    For those saying they're not entitled to their own room: I'd wager it's not about not having their own room, it's about feeling excluded from their father's family and having their place in their father's home converted into a convenience for their stepmother (with a couch for them to sleep on feeling like an afterthought).

    Given the line about, "this was the final thing that sealed the deal for me," and mentioning that their father made them babysit for half the summer (e.g., not spending time with OP and foisting the step-siblings off on them), I'd also wager that there's a backlog of other shit that has made OP feel excluded from father's family.

    OP: you're not the asshole for how you reacted, but it may also be worth thinking this through. Your dad seems like they've expressed genuine remorse, so it might be worthwhile sitting down with them, explaining your issues, how they made you feel, and why you want to distance yourself. Among these should be why they thought turning your personal space into a sterile work room was a gift to you, and why they didn't tell you beforehand.

    [–]thecorninurpoopAsshole Enthusiast [3] 275 points276 points  (7 children)

    Anyone saying he's not entitled to his own room will probably have their own kids cut them out of their lives one day and then endlessly wonder why

    [–]lost_things90Partassipant [2] 682 points683 points  (12 children)

    NTA: after reading the custody arrangement and such. You should have a bedroom. All summer in an office is not fair. You are 15. You need privacy.

    [–]primeirofilho 485 points486 points  (3 children)

    Worse, if it's an office, then using that for the summer means they have to be up early, and don't have their own room to go to during business hours.

    [–]capitoloftexas 213 points214 points  (0 children)

    Damn I didn’t even think about that portion of it. Fucked up parents for sure.

    [–]BrattiAtti 178 points179 points  (0 children)

    Oh, well, he won't need his own space during business hours since he'll be occupied watching the littles. /s


    [–]JustAsICanBeSoCruelAsshole Aficionado [14] 170 points171 points  (3 children)

    Honestly, I'm wondering if him losing a stable, permanent room might affect the custody agreement. I'm guessing the court wouldn't love that OP is in the custody of someone that has four bedrooms but makes him sleep on a pullout couch in the office. That just feels like something that would result in OP's Dad getting less time with him and a higher child support payment...

    [–]angrywithnumbers 86 points87 points  (2 children)

    Sleeping on a pull-out couch all summer would be hell.

    [–]DinahDrakeLanceAsshole Enthusiast [7] 418 points419 points  (2 children)

    NTA considered you're a minor. If you were over 18 it would be different, but you're not and they've made you feel unwelcome in your dad's house.

    [–]frumpy_teapot 412 points413 points  (3 children)

    Until reading the edit, I was gonna say that everyone sucks here. It was reading like you're an adult moved away from home, why on earth would you expect him to keep your room for a purpose it's not needed for anymore?

    But knowing that you're still a kid, not with your own place or anything, this was a major dick move on his part. Even with the point about your stepmom working from there, it still should've been discussed with you before making any changes. No attempt at compromise was even attempted. And it sounds like it was a pretty well-thought-out renovation, not like they needed the space very suddenly so had to just make do and deal with fallout later. So they had this very thoroughly thought-through process but didn't even notify you about it (not that just notifying would've been enough, they should've asked for your input).

    Looking at some of your other comments here, they don't respect you at all. Your dad crying doesn't change this. If it really mattered to him you'd be more than an afterthought. It sounds more like he's more upset that he got called out for being an asshole and now has to live with the consequences of that than that he mistreated you. Honestly the tears sound manipulative to me, and I wouldn't be surprised if he suddenly turns extremely nasty when he sees they're not working.

    NTA, and get the fuck away from your dad.

    [–]kittycatdoggydo 83 points84 points  (0 children)

    I agree. I was thinking college kid, etc. Then he said he’s almost 15. Completely changes things. NTA

    [–]our100thcallerPartassipant [1] 230 points231 points  (4 children)


    He did cry and I feel really shitty about it.

    He didn't stop at any point to consider how it would make you feel to show up and find out that you no longer have a room? Did he honestly think that you would be happy at being surprised at having your living space taken away? That's just dumb on his part.

    [–]OperativePiGuy 217 points218 points  (6 children)

    Was going to comment 100% Y-T-A, but seeing your age changes the context pretty significantly. Seeing as how you're a child of divorce, it should have been his utmost priority to ensure you didn't fall into the all too common trap of feeling "lesser than" when compared to his step kids. Him changing what should have been your own special little place in his home/world into an office for his new wife just comes off as quite tone deaf of him. It's a shame he only realized how hurtful it was after the fact. NTA. You're still growing up, and stuff like this can leave subtle, yet still painful scars that follow into adulthood.

    [–]tcm81294 212 points213 points  (34 children)


    What other things are going on?

    Was the change mentioned to you before?

    [–]roomthrow33[S] 718 points719 points  (33 children)

    Like being made to babysit when they know I don't really enjoy being around younger kids. Half my summer was just babysitting.

    They never told me about the room charge. They thought I'd like the "makeover"

    [–]Asiatic_StaticPartassipant [3] 579 points580 points  (7 children)

    They thought I'd like the "makeover"

    That's super shitty. Honestly, that seems to me like they knew you wouldn't be happy with it, so they framed it as a gift. That way, when you expressed your totally justifiable discontent, they call fall back on "what do you mean we don't like it we did it for you! We thought you would be happy! How can you be so unappreciative?!" And now you're open to be framed as the bad bio-kid that's lashing out because you don't like your step-family. Flawless plan.

    [–]Slothfulness69Partassipant [1] 216 points217 points  (6 children)

    OP edited this to mention he’s 14. I sort of was on the fence, thinking he was a college kid. College kids might appreciate an office to work and it could make them feel more adult. But LMAO he’s a freshman in high school! What 14 year old dreams of an office?

    His dad knew exactly what he was doing, he’s just upset OP figured it out too.

    [–]grxce22Asshole Enthusiast [3] 117 points118 points  (5 children)

    Either that or his dad is a fucking idiot and his step mom convinced him it was a great idea.

    [–]hypatiaspasia 85 points86 points  (4 children)

    I suspect this might be what happened.

    "That room is just sitting there empty 5 days a week! And I could really use an office..."

    "We can write off the home office as a business expense!"

    From an economic standpoint it makes perfect sense but from a relationship with your kid standpoint it is TERRIBLE.

    [–]grxce22Asshole Enthusiast [3] 47 points48 points  (3 children)

    The thing is, too, a 4 bedroom house is bound to have somewhere else to set up an office space. There are other things that can be sacrificed so a kid doesn’t feel like they’re being pushed out.

    [–]forgonsj 159 points160 points  (3 children)

    No more babysitting. They can get a damn babysitter.

    [–]Jawesome_ 110 points111 points  (1 child)

    For real, if they can afford to fucking remodel a room to kick your son out, then they can afford a babysitter for their shitty kids.

    [–]frumpy_teapot 117 points118 points  (1 child)

    Okay - before on another comment I said I wasn't sure what extent you meant by having to babysit them more than you want. I wasn't sure if it was like a reasonable sort of "hey just make sure nobody dies while I go to the store" or something worse. This is something worse. I no longer doubt whether this is parentification. Stay the fuck away from your dad.

    [–]DataIsMyCopilotAsshole Enthusiast [5] 120 points121 points  (1 child)

    My kid is around your age, and her visitation with her father was similar and he did the same thing where she'd be there to see him and he'd leave her in charge of the children (her half-siblings). She doesn't like her dad very much, either, and has greatly limited her contact as a result. (It's not just the babysitting, but also being made to feel like "the visitor" and other things similar to you.)

    Just to say you're not alone in this stuff, and please recognize this isn't a reflection on you. This is all your dad's fault either through being careless or clueless. And it's not on you.

    [–]dollfaiseAsshole Enthusiast [8] 73 points74 points  (0 children)


    And then they expected you to spend roughly half the year sleeping on a couch. I don't recall any other time I've said this, that's how strongly I feel here: ignore anyone saying you are the asshole. It's not your fault that your parents divorced and they both owe it to you to protect you, to make you feel included, to keep your life as stable as possible. It is not right that your stepbrothers feel supported and loved while you do not.

    Divorce is already hard on everyone involved - parents, kids, in-laws, etc. When parents with children divorce and remarry, particularly if everyone involved has bio kids, it's super important to be considerate of all involved. I don't have kids myself, may not have any ever, but it's basic knowledge that how a child is treated as a youth can impact who they are as adults. Feeling like a burden, a guest, a nothing, a servant...really can ruin relationships and self-esteem. The bedroom incident is just the straw that broke the camel's back. You already felt in your gut that things weren't fair and now it's so in-your-face that you can't just ignore it anymore. I get it. You can't even be sure it'll be the last time your stepmom shoves you out and your dad allows it.

    Your dad's priorities are out of whack. He married a woman who really had no business marrying a man with kids of his own if she couldn't woman up and treat them fairly. It takes a mature and caring person to do this and I'm not sure she fits the bill. She is obviously prioritizing her kids - not their fault - and excluding you. Being a parent means sacrifice. Whether she likes it or not, she's a stepmom now. She didn't need an office, that's a luxury. But you need to feel like you still belong. That's not up for debate.

    [–]PerfectWorld3 175 points176 points  (2 children)

    Only 14? NTA. I am a stepmom to a 12 y/o female and would not consider doing that. We actually just moved into a larger home so all the kids could have their own room.

    If you were 18+ and off at college, ok thats not the end of the world but should still be discussed.

    But yes it does seem like they left you out, and you should let your dad know that hurts. At 14 you need your own space and definitely dont need to be sharing it with stepmom. If they change it back and they are sorry then continue visits - your dad loves you.

    [–]Winry_DianaAsshole Enthusiast [5] 125 points126 points  (0 children)

    At 15, this is cruel to do to you. I wouldn't want to go over either.
    My stepmom turned my bedroom into a craft room WHEN I WAS 22. She did it long after I had graduated HS, was out of college and had my apartment. Even then they had a guest room that I could stay in. I was not erased until a conversation was had and someone told me, "Hey do you want the old furniture..."
    No one should feel like their space has been turned into an office without at least a conversation or warning. Your room should have been there for you, or they should have said they needed the office.

    [–]MsMissy116 121 points122 points  (3 children)

    NTA .. I have stepkids and making them feel like our home is their home is important. I would never give my son's their own rooms and then show my stepchild a pull out sleeper sofa and gush about how nice the room is.

    [–]Yram27Partassipant [3] 94 points95 points  (6 children)

    NTA. I can absolutely understand how that would come across as hurtful. They should have at least discussed this with you before making any changes to the room. Would you have been as upset if your dad told you up front that they needed some sort of office space in the house, and would you be willing to help them come up with a way to remodel your bedroom so it could function as both?

    That being said, it sounds like your dad had no idea you would be upset by this, so it doesn’t seem like it was done with malicious intent. It’s your choice whether you want to accept his offer to put your room back how it was, I don’t think either option is wrong. It wasn’t really the changes to the room so much as the message behind it that is the issue, so in that sense I understand why just “putting things back” won’t help with how you feel. You may feel differently about staying over again after some time had passed though, so I wouldn’t burn your bridges there just yet. Tell your dad that you don’t feel comfortable staying at his house right now, and leave it at that.

    But either way, you do need to sit down with your dad and stepmom and have a serious conversation about your role in the household, and how much their actions hurt you.

    [–]axewieldinghenPartassipant [1] 132 points133 points  (1 child)

    The fact that the dad wasn't acting maliciously doesn't make it any better - it just shows that his own child was an afterthought. OP is supposed to be there all summer and they're expected to sleep on a pull out bed in someone else's study all that time? How could the dad possibly think that would be at all comfortable?

    [–]starvinggarbage 80 points81 points  (3 children)

    A kids bedroom, especially a teenagers, can't be dual purpose. The kid needs his own space. Sharing with his step mom, who clearly doesn't desire a relationship with him, doesn't allow him any privacy and is pretty much guaranteed to cause conflict down the line. The fact that it wasn't done with malicious intent doesn't make it any better. It means they didn't consider his feelings at all. They were thinking about how to make things easier for their family, and didn't consider him a part of that, despite his blood relation. That hurt has got to be deep and the dad should be paying for him to see some sort of therapist for this. This is about the shittiest behaviour I can imagine from a parent short of actual abuse.

    [–]unicorndeathrace 93 points94 points  (0 children)

    NTA but you might want to edit your OP with your age

    [–]tjfraz 86 points87 points  (4 children)

    Nope NTA at all. When I moved away to college, my parents knew full well that I would be home for summers, breaks, etc. My first winter break I stayed in my room. I come home for summer break and they converted my bedroom into a gym, tossed my bed, dressers, etc. and gave away EVERYTHING! left in my room to charity - supposedly they "lost" the deer-bone hunting knife my dad gave me along with a bunch of other collectibles and oddities I collected over time. For 3 months, I was expected to sleep on the living room couch, which wasn't even a pull-out. I had no dresser, closet space, or anywhere to put what little I owned.

    They even forced me to sell my car to my brother because he needed one and I didn't because I lived in Boston. Admittedly, I parked the car and was planning on selling, but didn't want to sell to my brother because I knew he'd break it. Big shock, 2 months after I sold the car to him, my brother snapped the driveshaft doing a roll-back burnout.

    From that point forward, I have never stayed with them for more than a weekend. Also - another shocker - I'm still on crappy terms with them after 15 years.

    Edit: and to be clear, when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING! They gave away my clothes, shoes, CDs, and whatever other possessions I owned that were in my bedroom. They didn't bother to consult, ask, tell, or otherwise warn me because I would have taken a bus to pick up my stuff. They didn't even pack a small box with my clothes. They gave away over half of my entire wardrobe and I had about 10 shirts total.

    As far as my car, prior to being forced to sell the car to my brother he had crashed his first car and blew the engine on his second when he decided to fuck around with the timing gears while doing some minor work he didn't even remotely know how to do. At 17 he was already on his third car. After he snapped the drive shaft - specifically the rear input shaft - he got it repaired, attempted to sell the car, didn't latch the hood fully, smashed the windshield and sold the car for 500.00 to my dad. My dad spent about 500.00 getting it all sorted and then turned around and immediately sold the car for 3000.00. So in the course of 2 weeks, I sold my car for 1000.00 (1000.00 less than I bought it for) to my brother after my parents threatening to forge my signature on a bill of sale, he did a ton of damage which cost him another 500.00 to fix, and then my dad profited off the sale of the car.

    [–]Splatterfilm 84 points85 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You mention this being the last straw. They basically stamped “GUEST” on your forehead.

    Not sure why dad would’ve thought you’d be thrilled your room , a symbol of family membership, was given away.

    [–]FIVE_DARRA_NO_HARRASupreme Court Just-ass [120] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

    I was going to ask for information about your age, but you're 14. That's fucked. NTA.

    [–]Deathbydragonfire 66 points67 points  (0 children)

    NTA. When I went away to college, my parents were in the beginning stages of figuring out they were going to divorce. When I came home for Thanksgiving the first year, I discovered that my dad had taken my bedroom. I was expected to sleep on the couch (not a pullout, just a regular couch) in the living room for the entire week. I decided instead to stay at my boyfriend's house, as he lived in my home town. My mom was upset at first, but I pointed out that it was extremely rude to not even set up a cot for me. I haven't stayed over the night since and don't plan to.

    [–]CoffinRehersal 65 points66 points  (1 child)

    If you are under 18, and it sounds like you are, NTA.

    [–]shakeywasher 60 points61 points  (1 child)

    I was going to say you don't live their it's not your house

    But then I saw you're 15 and your dad has basically made it clear that's not your home.



    [–]Yserem 63 points64 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You're his minor child who visits all the time and he should maintain a space for you. It's very thoughtless to repurpose your room without asking you. You are not wrong to be hurt and you're not wrong to want to keep your distance for a bit. I hope he can make it up to you, though.

    Edit: I re-read and see you implied this is the latest in a series of slights/disappointments. I'm sorry it's been like that. If backing off is right for you, do it.

    [–]Ihtmyslf 58 points59 points  (1 child)

    NTA Why didn’t he renovate one of his other kids rooms? Oh yeah, because it’s their room and they live there. Why can’t he see that as the same for you? It’s your room and you also (although not fully) live there. It’s your house too. They're massive assholes.