Hark's Tough Love



An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!


Asking for a friend

Dear Hark,

So I have a “friend” who happens to be a sentient being who embodies a large and very attractive gas cloud. What if my “friend” were to meet another sentient being who embodies a planet? And the two really like each other. My very attractive “friend” wants to know if a planet and an attractive gas cloud could have a future together. I mean, things are much more progressive these days, right? 

Looking forward to passing your advice on to my “friend”. Thanks.

- Kevin Hannon


Dear Kevin,

I'm not sure why you're putting friend in quotes so much. It makes me think this might actually be an enemy of yours, Kevin! Regardless, if the attraction is indeed mutual between two consenting, sentient beings, I say your "friend" should go for it. Heck, I won’t apologize for spending a tender evening with a magma being when I was stationed alone on Eerht-21 so long I thought I'd go mad. War is hell, but love... love is real! Be they gas cloud, planet, Flarn, what have you; the universe is a rich and strange place. Why get hung up on our exterior forms when the most potent force of all awaits your friend. So to answer your question, I say yes. If your friend can muster up the courage to make an honest connection with this planet, of course I believe they could have a future together - outdated Federated Alliance attitudes towards planet/gas cloud relationships be damned!

And what better way for your friend to prove their boldness than by joining the Rebellion? Why, if this friend of yours has the intestinal fortitude to confess their true feelings to another sentient, then I'm more than sure they're ready to fight the hated Federated Alliance for the twin causes of love and freedom. Plus, we have some very well-designed uniforms; I assure you our tailors can come up with something that will make a gas cloud look like a million kroon. And everyone loves a sentient in uniform - trust your ol' pal Hark on this one!

- Hark Tartigast, signing off!

Seth Lind