I had a dream that I was President and my name was Bill ... Thank the Lord I awoke !
Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "And if you were my wife I would drink it"

to all you Libs!

Dear Abby:


Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.


Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him.  Good grief, woman.  You don't need him anymore.  You're a United States' Senator from New York.  Act like one!


Absolute Dreadful Thought ... but there is still hope!


Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.  She has waited sooooo... long.
The ghost of George Washington appears ... and Hillary asks,
"How can I best serve my country?"
 Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... again
Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,  "Listen to the people."
"Ooohhh!  I really don't want to do that," she replies.

Hillary asks again, "How can I best serve my country, 'ol Abe?"
Lincoln hesitates just a second and says, "Go to the theater, my dear."

John will be there?

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

    and this from ..... The South

Tennessee ... that is.

 The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.  He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"    


and from
Alabama ...      


 "Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple ofmiles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.



Louisiana  logic ...     

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."  When asked why, he replied he'd rather be inLouisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Georgia on my mind ... is there a mind?

  A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75.  The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"

The driver replied,"Bout whut?"

North Carolina ... slang?

   A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put abucket of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

  Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was socurious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what theproblem was.  

  The man replied, "I have a flat tire." 

  The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"


And this from South Carolina

  "You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the North!   ... and that's the truth!
Democrat? Republican? or Southern Republican


Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:



Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?


Could we run away? 

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?


What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?


Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?



Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?


This is all so confusing!


Is he gay?


Republican's Answer:



Southern Republican's Answer:





and another true story about HILLARY ....





A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.  That evening the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.


He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


  A Christmas Legend - Santa's Bad Day 
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toybag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys.  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.  Just then the doorbell rang and very irritable Santa trudged to the door. 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. The end.


Speaking of things in small places here is story about the Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic ... It's important to have back up job skills...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.  Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.  He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.  When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.



The instructor said "during the exam, you took the engine a part perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."



Sign in a Cannibal Restaurant



+ Tourist Pate': $5.00

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ''Why such a price difference for the Politician?"


They're so full of crap, it takes all morning!


In First Class Only



There is a Moral to this Story ??
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.  The lizard looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke some joints together.  After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.  A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.  He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.  He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

After he ate the lizard, the inquisitive crocodile thinks to himself  he has to check this out.  He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a
joint.  He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY, come on down!"

The Monkey looks down and says,

"GEEEEEEEEE, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"
"The Advantages of Breast Milk"



   1. No need to boil.
   2. Never goes sour.
   3. Available whenever necessary.


   4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

Would you believe he received an A ?

Indian Love Call

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo!  Wooooo!  Wooooo!"  He called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo!  Wooooo!  Wooooo!"  He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?"

"No," said the other Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo!  Wooooo!  Wooooo!" into the opening.  If they get an answer back, it means there is squaw in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave.  The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.


He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!  WOOOOOOOOO!"


The following day, the headline of the Kentucky Gazette Newspaper read...




BBQ -- It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.

Here comes the important part .....


More routine....

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beverage while he deals with the situation.

Important again ....


More routine.....


And most of all ....

10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed, "her night off?"  And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes ...

 that there's just no pleasing some women!


The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman



"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!" and she proceeded to close the door.


The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite Sonny, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!" 


A Lesson in Why We Speak English

A U.S. Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.  At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.


Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans worked it out several years ago so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.
Something to Offend Everyone
What is a Yankee?

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.


Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."



What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar


A speech impediment.


They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
The New Husband Store ...

A trendy new store that sellsnew husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates.



So, this nice woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.








She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store.

So, naturally across the street a New Wives Store opens.

The new wives store opened just like the Husband Store.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited....  ??

This cartoon  is not yet prohibited by the politically correct .... but soon will be.
Enjoy it and other things at NEACA.com ... substituting dastardly deeds and humungous humor daily to thwart correctness on a daily basis.  ....aaaand where you can even buy GUNS!





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