Back... a bit broken but maybe wiser?


  1. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I was involved in a writing for recovery program for a short time, but it lost funding. I really enjoyed the prompting and having 15 minutes to write something. Crazy, the school child in me would have hated that. Anyway, I've been thinking about starting something like that myself. I'm sure the laptop use is necessary, and I'm not trying to fix anything for you Lowdo. I just wanted to mention that I find writing with a pen and paper to be somewhat more useful. My hand can keep up with my thought process better, or my brain paces better as I write. On a computer, like right now I have about 10 things I want to say and share with you and I'm desperate to try and remember and type before I forget. Does that make sense? I believe I read somewhere that this is a real phenomenon. Of course, I do a lot of writing for work and the temptation to be on the computer is great because of the instant editing. Hey! I believe that's what I read before, we spend that time going back and making edits rather than just write and edit later. Thus, writing with pen and paper allows you to get things out easier. Sheesh. This post is somewhat proof of that. I feel like I'm rambling. Take care of yourself.
    Lowdo and Caoimhín like this.
  2. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    @Lowdo welcome back! I too have come back after relapsing for several months, and this after several years being clean. But it crept back exactly as you describe your experience. But, even though I fell down, it seems that I had learnt an awful lot about getting back up. We never go back to zero despite what a counter might say.

    You can direct some of your creative writing into exploring your feelings and behaviour on your journal!
  3. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys - thanks for all the lovely comments.

    @Saville - yup, I also enjoy gardening - the pace of it somehow just de-stresses me perfectly. Sadly wasn't able to garden yesterday due to the weather but I did go for a long run (my longest yet actually) and then chilled out in the sauna at the gym, met up with my wife and had a massive hamburger from a market stall. So, all told, rather a nice day :)

    I'm still trying to process this all but I think I need to learn to be good to myself in genuine, authentic ways... otherwise I end up feeling frustrated, bitter and entitled - and I know where that train goes.

    @MissingSelfCompassion - thanks so much for the tip. I will give that a go. And no - you weren't rambling - just unpacking a thought!

    @Caoimhín - thanks your comment. It's good to know that we're not alone.

    Take care all. I'm off to chill out and nurse my slightly broken body - I fell out of the loft a few hours ago! o_O I think I may have some interesting bruises!!
  4. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Just a quick update. 12 days in and things seem OK - no real urges to speak of, despite being on my own for a bit this evening.

    Thankfully seem to have got off lightly from my undignified exit from the loft on Saturday - no lasting damage to speak of :) It's kinda encouraging to know that I'm still young enough to bounce!

    Hope you're all OK - I'm gonna go have a quick browse round the site to see what's up...
    Saville likes this.
  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Glad your ok:)!
    Lowdo likes this.
  6. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Sorry - realised I didn't post yesterday. All's Ok though - just a busy evening. Met with a few mates last night (part of a regular church group) and ended up chatting about authentic community, vulnerability etc. Ended up all agreeing that guys in general are terrible at opening up, asking for help etc. All that chat made me realise what a gift this community is - thanks so much to all of you!

    Also (while I'm rambling I may as well continue!) came to an interesting conclusion that guys' roles were more clearly defined in the past. If you were a blacksmith, you were probably the only blacksmith in your community and, as such, you had a role and an intrinsic sense of worth and function. Nowadays, for many guys, our jobs are simply what we do to earn money - and everything else we do (sport, leisure etc) we don't feel earns us any special merit unless we're outstandingly good at it. All of this means that guys feel they're expected to be efficient at earning money, available to fix stuff (why the hell are we supposed to know what to do when the TV won't work? I don't make TVs for a living FFS!) and also be an all round nice bloke - all the while not really having clue who they're supposed to be.

    I'm not entirely sure what this all means but it does leave a lot of us feeling purposeless, hollow and bitter.

    Anyway, enough rambling; more journaling.

    I woke feeling bloody grumpy and wanting sex if I'm completely honest. Being a busy work/school day that was pretty much impossible - instead I had the pleasure of arguing about school lunches, rushing about packing bags and worrying about the stuff I'd forgotten to do for work. Basically meant I had a fairly low start to the day. Thankfully the mood seemed to evaporate during the course of the morning and this evening I have a writers' group to attend which I'm looking forward to. I need to be aware of my mood however as that sort of state of mind has definitely led to P viewing in the past.

    Anyways - I'd better sign off. Thanks again to all of you - stay safe!
    Libertad likes this.
  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Carry on Mr.L !Yes, I agree ---men of the past had a more defined role in everyday life--- today not so.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is good! Also, in the past, there was a sense of community, but now we are told that everyone must do for themselves. As Nice Guys we must find ways of giving back. Ways that aren't tied up with others liking us. With everyone glued to their cell phone now we are more isolated than ever. Looking back we think of the old days as better, but they were just different. We are part of a new reality, a society that is in tremendous flux. Really, this is about us adapting to a new social environment. We can be part of an exciting new vanguard of men.
    Libertad likes this.
  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Had another slightly low start to the day today but seems to be lifting - coming here and reading all the awesome comments has helped immensely. Had a rushed morning with a stupid 'argument' with the wife while leaving the house. I put quotes round the word argument cos I know I'm overly sensitive to that kind of thing - for my wife it was probably just a rushed expression of annoyance, but my character type tends to amplify any kind of conflict in my head by playing it back on a repeating loop in my head. :rolleyes:

    Anyway - just writing it down seems to help... Keep going all of you: hope you all have a good day.
    Saville likes this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Another gardening addict here :cool:
    Saville likes this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're right, your wife is just reacting in her usual way. She doesn't even notice. Being sensitive is good, because we DO notice, but then we also have to let it slide away. :)

    Yup, it's key!
    Lowdo likes this.
  12. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    @Saville - thanks as always for the support.

    @Gilgamesh - I'm relatively new to gardening. My father-in-law died last summer so I'm kinda tending his garden for him since my mother-in-law isn't into gardening. Just trying to keep it as tranquil and productive as it always was.
  13. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Gardening--- digging ones hands in the soil. I do it barefoot so the earths alpha waves nourish my body-- besides I love veggies!
  14. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys - just a quick check-in after the weekend. All OK on the PMO - nearly 3 weeks now.

    Emotionally, it was a bit up-and-down - feeling a bit grumpy/numb which isn't great. To be honest I'm not sure I helped things a great deal by constantly putting others before myself instead of intentionally making time for myself so that I would actually have the energy to help others...

    As I'm learning, this is classic 'Nice guy' behaviour - doing stuff for others in order to feel validated and then getting pissed-off that no-one noticed and grumpy that I didn't actually get to do what I wanted to do. When, actually, the fault was all mine for not simply telling anyone what I wanted to do in the first place...

    It's kinda like the thing they always say in aircraft safety briefings: 'always fit your own oxygen mask before assisting others.' Presumably because you won't be very good at helping others if your brain is an oxygen-starved mess! When it comes to loving/caring for others I guess the same applies: you can't actually love anyone else if you're a love-starved, needy mess...

    Anyways, that's another rambling post ;-) Hope you're all good.
    Saville likes this.
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Really amazing how youre coming along!
  16. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    That's kind - thanks for the encouragement. Just posting that stuff earlier helped improve my state of mind.

    Currently I'm trying to practice what I preach - having a stressy day at work so have deliberately taken a lunch break, bought myself a coffee and am chilling in the library. The problems will still be there in an hour but I might be refreshed to actually deal with them :)
    Saville likes this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Nice one! A simple but very effective effort and besides a good measure of self-love!
    Saville likes this.
  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Made it through another day :)

    Had a better start to the day - even a bit of messing about with the wife this morning which was a good way to wake up. Also walked into work which takes a lot longer but does wonders for my state of mind. Oddly had an urge an hour ago - completely out of the blue - thankfully it has passed and I'm planning on doing some writing.

    Hope you're all good - keep going!
  19. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Well today has been too busy to even think about PMO. Felt like my head was going to explode by the time 5pm came around.

    Right now I'm chilling out with an ale and chatting to my daughter across the hallway while preparing to do some writing. It's all good...

    Keep going all of you.
    Saville likes this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Fooling around and walking are the shizzle, yoh! :)
    Lowdo likes this.

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