The Foddleburg Tales

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Volume one



All will be revealed (figuratively speaking) in this exciting thriller

chapter 1    chapter 2    chapter 4    chapter 5    chapter 6

chapter 3: dibs it's mine

"Get out of the trash can." Nurse Ratbag screamed in her Operatic voice, to the old gardener Sammy Havengreenfingers.

"But Ma-am" he replied, " I just saw a perfectly good onion, with only just a nibble out of it and I needs if fur me mince." He continued.

"Haven't you got a home to go to" she continued

"No ma-am I's evicted from the airing cupboard and now I lives in the garden shed."

Nurse Ratbag sighed the sigh of an 84-year-old prostitute but decided to leave Sammy in peace, because she just didn't have time today for his stupidity. She would deal with him later because there were more important things afoot.

On turning away, she was met by the Police car as it drove up the driveway

"Finally," she remarked

"Sorry for the delay, ma-am. I had an unexpected explosion in my panty region and filled them." The P.C. explained. "I can't see the panty thief stealing these." He laughed, pulling out a poop covered boxer short from a plastic bag..... but he was the only one that laughed and my God, the smell was worse than a pig farm on a warm sunny day.

"Follow me," nurse ratbag said "If you walk this way, I will show you where the body is. "

The 2 policemen walked behind the nurse wiggling their bottoms, exactly like the fat arsed nurse did. I know a cheap joke, but it is always good for a giggle and P.C. Bumwillie could really shake his thang.

They entered the building on the east side of the complex arriving in a hallway with rooms on either side. They passed ex-Colonel Badger Arsewipe-Sinthyn-Smythe's room and were immediately branded..... "Bloody Germans"... as the Colonel's brain was lost in the war and he was now totally demented. "We don't need you bloody Krauts clogging up the mess hall, what, I would hang the lot of those fuckers, if I got the chance."

Every time the Colonel saw someone dressed in a uniform, they were always bloody Germans, except if they really are Italian, he hated them even more, Bloody Iti spaghetti penises, he thought. So, you can imagine the mayhem when the Colonel and Mrs Colonel went for a weekend to Berlin. They were every bloody place. The result is they were deported within 30 minutes of arriving, now he now safe in his own little world.

Finally, the nurse and the Police Officers reached the locked door to the room where the body was situated.

"Her name is Old Anne Hubbard, but everyone just called her mother. She was 93, but very active for her age. Always walking to the supermarket, which was 3 miles away. I don't understand it, but her cupboards were always bare."

Nurse Ratbag opened the door and the smell of wet dog, urine and tripe.

"Good grief." The young P.C. barfed. Throwing up all over the back of the Nurse's crisp white uniform and her perm hairdo, she just had done the day before at Luigi Bum's hair salon. The busiest hairdresser in all the land. His slogan was: if you let Luigi work on you, a happy ending's guaranteed. His salon was always packed.

P.C. Bumwillie laughed out loud " ha ha ha" he giggled " yes siree you never quite get used to the smell of tripe and urine, just like my Granny Foostyfud's house, ah! that always brings a tear to my eyes."

The nurse was less than happy, with bits of lettuce and hamburger hanging in the back of her perm and diced carrots every place, it was yucky and slippy. As assistant male nurse Egonizfaze found out, it was as slippery as the ice rink on the coldest nights. He was sliding all over the place and finally went head first through the dining room glass door.....now there was blood and diced carrots every place.

At that precise moment, the porter Rufus W. Negroman poked his head around the door and inhaled with a massive sniff.

"God I love the smell of tripe and urine." He mumbled.

P.C Bumwillie erupted again into a fit of laughter.

The young Police Cadett emptied his guts into the wastepaper basket.

"What's up with him?" Rufus asked Bumwillie.

"Tripe and urine ." He laughed "Tripe and urine"

Whereupon they both fell into a fit of laughter, doing there best to avoid the sick and especially the dreaded diced carrots.

The young Police Cadet just moaned, with his head stuck in the wicker basket. Something I might add not made to contain liquid materials, so as you can imagine sick was oozing out every place.

Nurse Ratbag was at her wit's end, but being the professional she was, and one of noble blood, she held it together. For one does not simply fall to pieces when a problem arises, even when covered in sick.

"Right Rufus tell the Policemen what happened, " the nurse asked.

"Right, it was 5 o'clock yesterday afternoon and I heard that she went to her cupboard to get her poor dog, Fangs, a bone."

The two officers both looked round to see a cardboard cut out of the smallest dog in the history of dog measuring.

"But when she got there...." Rufus continued "the cupboard was bare and poor fangs got nothing. So she went to the baker, to buy him some bread, but she came back...her poor dog was dead." Rufus said, " but after that, it is all mumble jumble rhymes to me..."

The young PC Cadett searched the apartment and found the body in the empty cupboard, but no sign of Fang

"P.C.Bumwillie, come quickly I've found the body."

The victim was covered in tripe and because she was upside down, her legs as wide as if she was doing the splits in Australia, so it was not difficult to see she was knickerless.

Now we know where the tripe smell came from." Bumwillie said to the cadet

"Let me, Cadet," Bumwillie said, "I read lips." Again laughing out loud, while placing a lit cigarette in a place, you do not put a lit cigarette....especially if you want to keep it dry.

And again Nurse Ratbag sighed.

"Excuse me officer, please take your finger out of there." Nurse Ratbag said, " I guarantee you, it is no way to get her fingerprints."

Bumwillie blushed and removed the said fingers.

"I'm sorry I thought I saw a 50 pence piece." He said while blushing.

The nurse threw a dishcloth over the gaping hole.

While at the window, getting some fresh air, from this inside world,  the Cadet saw something very suspicious

"What the f......" he said and there they paused because it was tea time and as we know: everything stops for tea.

"But wait" screamed Bumwillie "before we have tea.....what is that hairy thing sticking out of the ground."

"WOW!" Screamed the Cadett " Dibs it's mine."

That is when they all laughed and then they finally paused for tea.


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