Guest Post! A Pornography Fan’s Review Of Miley Cyrus’ Performance At Video Music Awards

Welcome List of X!  Today my guest blogger will be talking to us about Miley Cyrus and porn.  For some reason he thought a porn related post would work here.  I can’t imagine why, what with the many, many posts on that literary masterpiece 50 Shades of Grey.  Anyhoo, with no further ado, here is a unique perspective on the latest Mileygate.  Read on, then go check out his hilarious blog.

Lately, there has been a lot of noise surrounding Miley Cyrus’ performance at the Video Music Awards. It was called “pornographic”, “perverted”, “disgusting”, “pornographic”, “distasteful”, “objectionable”, and once again, “pornographic”. (This was the most common epithet by far.)  Let me begin by making it clear that I enjoy porn as much as the next guy, and just as any guy, I consider myself a porn expert. (However, since the next guy is probably too busy enjoying it at the moment, I shall be writing this review myself).  So, when I first heard Ms’ Cyrus’ VMA performance being described as “pornographic”, I was immediately intrigued.  My hopes were sky-high after I had seen a few choice photos of the performance.

However, once I actually watched the video, I was extremely disappointed.  The disappointment was somewhat mitigated due to the fact that I watched the video clip with the sound off, partly because of Ms. Cyrus’ singing, and partly because reviewing pornography requires complete silence to be able to concentrate on the object at hand, as well as to be able to hear if someone is about to walk in on you. To many males, pornography is an art form, and for many of us, it’s the only art form we recognize.  Messing with the standards of our favorite art form is something we porn fans simply don’t take lightly.  

To be fair, Ms. Cyrus had done a very good job demeaning herself, which is often a necessary part of the art, and I have to commend her effort and her obvious enthusiasm. But her performance lacked purpose, focus, charisma, and understanding of the unspoken porn boundaries – unspoken because of the silence.  It had all the markings of amateur porn, without actually coming close to being porn. 

Let’s start with the visual appearance.

Ms. Cyrus’ tongue, which kept falling out of her mouth, gave an impression that she’s being chocked by an invisible hand; her hair style looked as though she just fought a losing battle against a lawnmower; and her movements appeared to be more erratic than erotic.  (Of course, that last part might have been caused by the illegible handwriting of Ms. Cyrus’ choreographer).  In all, Ms. Cyrus’ performance served not to remind of the pleasures of sex, but rather seemed to remind of danger of doing drugs. At times, Ms. Cyrus’ movements were so quick that the outline of her figure was becoming blurred, and I couldn’t agree more with Robin Thicke, a fellow porn fan who once famously said, “I hate these blurred lines”.  (If you had watched a video a few times, you might have noticed Mr. Thicke featured in the same video, performing from behind of Ms. Cyrus.) 

Miley Cyrus, pretending to mate with a male zebra.

Miley Cyrus, pretending to mate with a male zebra.

And what was Ms. Cyrus trying to say by playing with a giant foam finger?  Doesn’t she know that the art standards require using only hard objects (such as poles, microphones, etc.) as props in the performance, because soft prop objects often instill a feeling of insecurity in the male audience?  Especially when these props are also patently oversized and can cause foam finger envy in the more impressionable audience members.  It only takes a couple of minutes to research that on the Internet; a few hours if you are a guy.  

The choreographer has apparently also failed to explain that "The Glove" should not be taken literally either.

The choreographer has apparently also failed to explain that “The Glove” should not be taken literally either.

Finally, the tongue.  Yes, I can’t help coming back to the tongue again – but only because said tongue made no less than 20 scene-stealing cameo appearances during the few minutes of the video (which still felt like an eternity). If the dangling tongue was supposed to be Ms. Cyrus’ impression of a female dog in heat, Ms Cyrus’ choreographer should have made it clear to her client that the “dog in heat” move isn’t meant to be a representation of a dog that literally feels hot and sticks out her tongue to cool down. Apparently, choreography and euphemisms just don’t go together well.

My disappointment reached the highest point when, a few minutes into the clip, I found myself looking forward to Robin Thicke’s appearances, so that I didn’t have to subject myself to Ms. Cyrus’ pathetic attempts at being an amateur porn star.  There were no words in my vocabulary to describe what I was seeing, which made me appreciate the made-up word “twerking” that was used to describe Ms. Cyrus’ dance.  Even given my normally chilly attitude towards the teenage slang terms, “twerking” was surprisingly appropriate as a description of what I was seeing.  This bastard of a word paints a vivid picture of what was happening on the stage.  It wasn’t dancing, or porn, it was nothing but “twerking”, with Ms. Cyrus occasionally drifting into twerking off. 

Ms. Cyrus’ dance made me feel dizzy, but did not make me feel anything else.  It seemed as though her pitiful performance was sufficient to make blood leave my brain but not enough to arrive where it should have, if Ms. Cyrus’ performance was indeed as pornographic as many have claimed.  The only thing her performance was able to arise was the ire of the parents groups, and while it’s often an unfortunate by-product of porn, it’s not the kind of arousal any aspiring porn star should be aiming for.

In summary, if Miley Cyrus is considering entering a career in doing porn, I would strongly advise her to keep her day job, whatever it’s supposed to be.

31 responses

  1. I thought the same, but I think her porn-movies could be a very good contraceptive, who can watch her and would like to have sex? Probably no one :o) Thanks for this post, I needed a laugh today :o)

    1. I agree it would work on many people as contraceptive, but some couples could react with “come on, honey, let’s show this rookie how it’s done”.

      1. That’s even more disturbing than the video itself.

  2. I watched the video after I saw all the commotion about it. I laughed the entire time. Best bit of unintentional comedy ever.

    1. I had to watch it after everyone started writing about it. I spent it wondering if she was high, or drunk, or just being a starlet desperate for attention. If not for all the brouhaha, I’d forget it as soon as I’d watched it.

      1. Really, the video was more stupid than anything. I chuckled at it and that was pretty much it. Nothing to see here.

  3. I blame Billy Ray and Walt Disney

    1. Miley’s performance probably has Walt Disney twerking in his grave.

  4. You’ve made me almost want to watch the video. Almost.

    1. Well, it is almost watchable.

  5. Fine, I’ll go watch the damn video now…. brb

  6. Holy crap… how do I unsee that?

    1. I know. You should google Will Smith’s family’s reaction. It’s hilarious. They are all sitting there in the audience with their mouths open, horrified.

      1. Oh, really? I will do that, then

        1. I think Alice just tricked you into watching it again.

  7. WTF with the teddy bears along with the gyrating and the penis finger? Someone just tell me that. Is that her way of saying “fuck you” to all the parents who paid money for her concerts for their little brats, thus making her a freaking billionaire? Barf.

    1. I think you’re right – she was giving everyone the giant foam finger. (And, a couple of times, to herself).
      It could be that the point of her dance was to show that while everyone keeps thinking of her as a little girl, she’s not so little anymore. If so, her performance was a smashing success.

      1. Congrats, Miley, you are no longer a little girl pretending to be a porn star, now you are one – a bad one. Ugh, maybe her dad should have thought a bit more before selling her to Disney then doing those provocative shots with her when she was 15. Gross.

  8. Very nicely done X! ..Said it far better than I ever could have. I’d say more but not giving Miley anymore of my keystrokes than she deserves for that performance(or her music) ..

    1. Thank you, Berna! I’d give you a long response, but I fear that it would just add more fuel to the brush fire of her undeserved publicity… 🙂

      1. It is always my pleasure X..Told you where ever you guest post I’ll read your writes..Virtual high five^

  9. This is why Ron Reagan always told us to “just say no to drugs.” WHY DIDN’T YOU LISTEN TO HIM, BILLY RAY???

    1. Could it be that drugs impacted his hearing?

      1. Even if he heard it, he wouldn’t comprehend. This is the guy who wrote “Achy Breaky Heart.”

  10. I don’t get, and I don’t see how anyone CAN get – the tongue. It just started appearing and never seemed to be a loose hinge in the Hannah Montana stage. Just ridiculous.

    1. As I mentioned, I watched the video with the sound off. But after the video was over, I became curious how it was even possible for Miley to sing with her tongue constantly being outside of her mouth. However, no amount of curiosity will be enough to make me watch the video again and find out.

  11. Maybe the whole tongue thing is a bizarre tribute to the band Kiss?

    1. You may be right, although I don’t remember Gene Simmons doing so much twerking.

  12. And all this time I thought little Miley was having some sort of conniption fit? Now, I know…

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