why being a published author scared the heck out of me

5:43 PM

Hola readers!
My finger hovered over the "publish" button. I took a deep breath and clicked.
My book spiraled through cyber space.
Less than 24 hours I was a published author.
And I was never more scared.

People find it amusing that my extrovert self stumbles over her words when trying to describe herself as an author. I struggle in stating I'm now published or simply giving the description of my book. I fail to accep congrats from friends and family without getting hot and bothered.
I have struggled with self-confidence for as long as I can remember. I wrestled with self-hate for so long.
For me as an author, handing someone my book is like handing someone the keys to my heart, allowing them access to reject...to reject both me and my work.
I have poured my heart and soul into Serena and Milosh's stories. I have cried and laughed and felt their pains and joys.
Because many of them mirror mine.
But then you probably know that. This isn't news to you.
Yet, it means something to me -- deeply.
I am afraid of being rejected.
I am afraid of being turned down.
I am a people pleaser and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a million voices in my head...and a few of those voices whisper when people tell me I've done something wrong, "you're never going to be good enough. You're stupid. Who do you think you are? You don't deserve love. What are you trying to be?"
And I revert to that little girl calling herself terrible names in the mirror, punishing Kara for her mistakes.

This is not so much an excuse as a confession.
It is something I know I need to change.
I am not the voices in my head.
I am not people's love or admiration.
They do not make or break me as a writer.
I am a writer regardless of their opinions.

I think often in the world we get so caught up with the voices in our head, we forget they don't matter. They sound so real, so close...they're speaking lies drenched in a poison that mirrors reality.
In reality I don't deserve love.
But I tend to overlook that Jesus loves me anyway. 
In reality I will never be good enough.
But Jesus was and is and ever will be enough. He is my hope for light in tomorrow. 
Lies are often drenched in half-truths...making them realistic, making them easy to believe because sometimes, in reality they are partially true.
But they leave us short of the answers.
The answer is I will never find joy in people's love or admiration.
It is fleeting and subject to change.
I cannot depend on another human for their love, because they are like me -- simply human. They cannot fulfill me. They will fail me.
I am so blessed by the love already poured over me and The Broken Prince. I am beyond grateful for the out-pouring congrats and promises to read my novel.
And I will remain afraid.
But I think this journey to becoming published is forcing me to meet head to head with my fears, to wrestle face to face with one of my biggest struggles.
I am afraid.
But I think I will learn.
I think I will grow.
I think in the end, no matter how well The Broken Prince does or does not do, it will teach me to let go and let the One who made me.
I am terrified.
But I will be okay.
It's just another battle with that ever-present enemy called anxiety. He calls himself a friend, he tells me he will be ever present.
But he's just another voice in my head.
One I strive to ignore.
One I will fight each day to ignore and defeat.

It's not going to happen today.
But you never know what's going to happen tomorrow.

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9 of your thoughts

  1. Yes, I feel you. Vulnerability is hard - so unnatural and uncomfortable. But I'm so proud of you for stepping beyond your fears and clicking publish. The world needs your beautiful stories. 💛

  2. Ohh Kara...praying for you, girl!! I'm 100% sure your book will satisfy me when I get my hands on it. You're an amazing soul, and you deserve the best. Hugs and prayers and congrats all at once to you!!

    ~ Lily Cat (Boots) | lilycatscountrygirlconfessions.blogspot.com

    1. Aww thank you so much, beautiful. Your words mean a lot to me!

  3. All your posts are so relatable and encouraging. You are awesome, girl! <3

    1. You are awesome too -- thank you for commenting! XOXO

  4. i think vulnerability is something that we all have. i admire you for taking control of your fears and pushing past them. Goodness knows, we could all use a bit of that :) i believe in you Kara. You are amazing!


  5. Punishing has got to be scary! I can't wait to get published myself, but I'm sure I will be freaking out! ;)


