Monday, October 7, 2013

Smug Girl Syndrome

Having or showing an excessive pride in oneself or one's achievement

Being smug is one of the things I've always hoped I would never be once I got  in a relationship. I've always found the switch from normal to smug extremely fascinating. I watch normal girls go from nice and ordinary to extremely superior and smug, all the time. The major cause of this attitude change in twenty-something ladies is when they are in a relationship they undoubtedly know is heading to the altar. 

Don't you just love it when a girl you've always known; a room mate, close friend, cousin or even sister, who you've known all your life, was normal, went about her daily business, talked to you like a fellow human being , suddenly gets a ring on her finger and becomes Gollum??? I think it is funny. Annoying as hell, but funny nonetheless. 

Your normal friend, who in the past, kept herself to herself, through this ring, can now see clearly what is wrong with your life and why no one has deemed it fit to bestow you with a ring also. You now begin to hear things like "You need to calm down o. You know men don't like forceful ladies with opinions. You need to be soft spoken so that someone can engage you too. I'm only telling you because I love you". She didn't know you were forceful the time you followed her to the tailor's shop and threatened to carry his machine if he does not produce her materials. In fact, at that time, to hear her tell it, you were the best friend a girl could ever have. Why, when both of you were pounding the pavements of church and club alike, looking to catch the eyes of marriageable men, did she not offer up this 'gem'? I always wonder. Do they not hear how these things sound coming out of their mouths?? 

Having to look on helplessly as someone prattles on about why you are a failure while wistfully twisting the beautiful ring on their finger is a pain in the proverbial. But I have now come to the realization that not all ladies do it deliberately to be mean...oh there are some bitches evil ones,always on hand to dole out hurtful, insulting, unsolicited advice but I digress. It usually comes from a place of genuine love and concern. Even my mum has given me gist where she came off sounding so smug, I had to laugh.  But the fact that it is well intentioned does not mean that it is any less condescending.  I think what a lot of people can't stick is the condescending nature of the advice. 

Smug girls come off sounding so superior and arrogant, it is off putting. The quibble isn't really in what you say, it is how you say it. What you are saying may be valid and true, but can the freaking attitude!!!!! I have loads of married friends who are the farthest things from smug girls. I just always feel sorry for people whose friends think they know what is best for their lives. My question is, how do you get off saying some of the things you say to people without getting slapped? Is your ring the lasso of truth? I think it is the shock of some of these statements that leave people not knowing how to react. 

Here's what I think is the rudest smug girl advice ever "oh you are still doing fine girl? You don't know time waits for no man. Just marry the one that comes along and have your children. See me, I've done what I have to do quick-quick". My first thought was "Nigger what????" but then again, this approach to marriage floors me all the time. There are so many things wrong with that statement. Here are my thoughts and unanswered questions when this type of venom is spewed my way....
  • It really isn't my fault that I am a 'fine girl' (oh yes I am. Ask Atilola. Lol) Blame that on good genes. My being unmarried is most certainly not predicated on my looks. I don't use it to turn people away. I wouldn't even know how to go about using my looks to sieve out undesirable suitors.
  • Have you always had a problem with the way I look? This part usually comes out with a perturbing vicious sneer.
  • Marry the one that comes along??? Is that how they are doing it these days??? Just marry so that I know I am married? I fear o. That you chose to get yours that way doesn't mean that is how I am going to get mine. This one kills me.
I get it. The power of a secured status is a heady feeling. Even I turned into a smug girl myself (much to my shock) when I wrote a post on  Meeting the Parents. That was a bit smug of me. I write a lot of stuff about my life and family on this blog, so it was natural that I would do a post on the new relationship but still, it was a bit smug. It was like I was saying, "look at me, I can hold down a relationship long enough to meet the folks. Yay me!!! *pat on the back* Now, here's what you have to do when meeting the parents...."  Oh I hold my hands up to mild smugness. 

Kindly note that I am not averse to relationship advice. I've been given great relationship advice in the past, which I am extremely grateful for. But I don't think what works for you will necessarily work for me. There are just some shitty advice/rhetoric out there being handed down by smug girls who feel they know better. Below are some of the smug girl rhetoric I've heard:

1. You can't wait for love, you need to get pregnant to seal the deal.
2. All these boys that you are following that don't even have money....
3. Young boys just want to waste your time. You need an older, mature man
4. Ah! Long distance???? The two of you are deceiving yourselves.
5. Don't befriend single girls, all they want to do is snatch your husband/boyfriend.
6. All this independent woman you are doing, with degrees and career path, the ultimate achievement is 
MRS o.
7. At this our age, we cannot be choosy o. 

And many more. How does this serve to help anybody? I've always said we women are our own biggest enemies. We do not build each other up at all. One-upmanship is the name of the game. So long as I got there before her, then I am winning!!!!! And when they do get there, the first order of the day is to ensure that those that haven't quite gotten there know it and are made to feel bad. It is an extremely reprehensible way of living.

 I choose not to stand for it and you shouldn't either. Smug girls are just bullies.So treat them like you would a bully. Greet their unsolicited advice with  a "guess who is flying me to Cyprus for the weekend?" while knowing they are land moored that weekend and the rest of the year and see how they like it . On a more serious note, being single sucks on its own, it would be better if there weren't frenemies that make the experience suckier. 

Last I checked, being single has still not been categorised as a disease. Don't let the smug brigade have you self-loathing and desperate. Make sure you put a smug girl in her place to preserve your sanity. A little known truth is that sometimes, these married/engaged harridans actually envy you too. Maybe not always, but sometimes. Play up the strengths of don't have to wake up at ungodly hours to nurse a baby and/or a husband, you can go and come as you please at all hours of the day without informing anyone (or taking permission), you can spend all your money on fancy holidays or Gucci bags without thinking of children's school fees (this talk of school fees is enough to scare me from marriage sef. For some of these prices, that child better be a multilingual lawyer who found the cure for Aids at 5!!...but I digress!)

I still believe a good man will come along. I will let you in on my good man theory in another post. 

All in all, single ladies, keep your head up!!!!!!!


  1. 1st time here(and glad!)
    Am fortunate not to have been told a smug girl rhetoric. But iv heard lots from friends who have been told some.
    I realise however that I've been smug in some other way(not reationship wise)*bows head in shame*

  2. Lmaooooo@for some of these prices, that child better be a multilingual lawyer who found the cure for Aids at 5!!...but I digress!"

    Gawd, i love you tres tres much. Wa gba big hug
    @Tamie: Lastma like you lol

    I didn't think your "meet the parents post" was smug though. This is a personal blog and you write about stuff in your life. Don't be too hard on yourself although it truly is a fine line ;)

  3. You know, everyone always says how smug women are when they get engaged but ironically most of these attitudes i get come from menfolk...most of whom have no important standing in my life. When i giggle and prattle on with my girlfriends, single and married alike, its all jokes and "we'll get there when we get there". Guess i'm just lucky. Or people know better than to tangle with me in that way lol. (Its probably the latter)

  4. Oh Lawd! @LadyNgo there is nothing worse than a bloody ass, smug man, most of whom are single, under-achieving and all round disgusting BUT labour under the weird assumption that surely, they are God's gift to women with a red bow on their hinney. Please, kill me now!!!!!! Lmao at 'they know better than to tangle with me in that way"

    @Toin: Lmao @ Lastma! Agbero somborri! Thanks dear, I do think it was just a smidgen smug. Thanks for the hug

    @Tamie: WELCOME!!!!!! Glad to have you here. Lucky, lucky you for avoiding smug girl rhetoric. Buy all your married/engaged friends gifts all round, they are clearly upstanding folks.

    Thanks for your comments ladies!

  5. TOOOH!!!!! According to your radar, how smug am I? LOL......
    I am not really sure that I have gotten smug girl rhetorics yet......whoever is giving me relationship advice is just...well....has a lot of time on her hands....I dont even take my life that seriously that I am here, trying to avoid engagement....oh kay! I am not making sense anymore...did I even make sense at all?

    Bia, Cherrykoko...who vexed you gan-gan?!!

  6. ewoooo God bless you for these post cos aunties, uncles and even cousins that we grow up together now talk to mi like i have a problem, always making little talks about how a woman's time pass quickly, how no matter you degree if you don't have a husband to show for it you are worthless, always bringing pitures of their daughters children to show off. just like you said always try to keep your head high.

  7. I love this post so much! So true. A married friend once called me randomly to tell me she was losing weight because she was having loads of sex! Wetin 'consign' gorimakpa with shower cap? Rubbish


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