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"You were there. Defend me."


I totally get what Pixilove is going through. The being big thing. Ugh! I hate it. And I'm totally grossed out with how big I am as well. But I know I'll get my motivation soon enough. I can feel it.

<Ok, ok. Enough with the Pep talk.>

I haven't written in this thing in what seems like forever. My wifi connection is no longer connected. So now I have a perfectly good lap top--but Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo internet. I sadly have to use my sister's slow ass pc. And even though it's helping me keep in touch with the world outside this drab city/life I care not that I'm hating on it.


I know that the past entry I was moping and wondering about a friend of mine, Eddie. I think about him because he was all I knew...that was decent I suppose. Decent. Yeah, that's a good enough word. And yes I think about him and yes he is the muse to my upcoming project. Whatever. I say fuck all nay sayers. It's my head. My mind. My imagination. I'll day dream about who the fuck I want. Even if I am acting like a pussy and I'll never have the courage to say hey I totally dig you and late maul his sweet lips. :D

Besides it's better this way. I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship anyway. I don't know how to be with or around people I want to get to know--sexually ;-P. I'm so socially awkward like that. It's my curse. I make friends just fine. IT COULD BE ALSO...that I'm extremely picky.
I become the stuttering drooling little girl on the inside whilst the outside looks away awkwardly wanting to run away and play nintendo.

Speaking of Nintendo...
My temp agency called me yesterday with an offer to assemble and disassemble nintendo game consoles for 8 bucks an hour from 3-11:30pm. Talk about strange. Is this what all rural areas have to offer? Fuck man! I can't find peace any where!? Makes me sick that I can't stay put in one place. I hate needing things. I hate being needy. I'm totally and completely off my block at the moment.

My bad.

I have nothing going on for me at the moment. My brother in law or rather all the men I have known in my family are disgusting and wonder why I haven't gotten married or knocked up yet. <Gags> If I wanted to be a statistic I would've been one by now. But God and I have other plans in mind. Canoistic Fury isn't going down like that. I don't need a kid or a dude douchebag to ruin my life THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I seem to be doing JUST fine.

I miss my friends a little. It's disgustingly lonely here. I barely say a word to anyone. Which is totally fine actually cos I'm starting to see the different faces of these people. They frankly make me sick. Even though they are putting me up for the moment :D.

Oh shut up. I am a hater. SO what!?

My mom wants me to come back home but I don't have a home. It hasn't felt anything like a home since my niece moved in and she grosses me out. There was once love but it went away as soon as my consolation, love, attention, support wore out. I've been done feeling bad for her and putting up with her mess. I leave that to my dummy of a mother. Her strings get pulled more often and more deceiving than I ever could. SO GOOD NIGHT NURSE!

I love my mother that's not even an issue. Just when I do something stupid I know where I got it from. Then again pops has half the credit there too. XD

ugh. I'm tired of rambling for now. I'm just spewing word vomit. I've nothing to say or share. My mind and heart are empty and so help me if you show me pity.


Writer's Block: Teen Time Machine

If I were white it would be the '50's or '60's with the poodle skirts and all that two-tone shoe hububaloo. lol But in the 20's, 30's, even 40's I would love. The fashion was more elegant and sophisticated. To this day...even timeless.

Writer's Block: Set the Scene

Parking lots, shopping malls, quiet streets, loud streets, blackouts...I'm always reminded of zombies.

Dejame triumfar

Caminando por la vida voy,
Caminando por la vida voy
Pensando en un amor
En busca dese amor
Con la ilusion de ver mi vida florecer.

El sol brilla a mi rededor
Ilumina en mi el corazòn
Que va latiendo en mi
Con ancias de vivir
El mundo's tuyo

Sin embargo en el corazón
Muchas veces guardemos rencor
La vida cambia una vez mas
Porque el destino es tan cruel
Y siempre tenemos que aprender
Tristesa, janto, y soledad

Por que asi
Por que sufrir
Si solo quiero es triumfar

Por que asi es la frase correcta.
Ayer fue el dia del padre. Y no te llamé. No me gusta mentir. No pude saludarte en un dia mas feliz. Seria un hipocrita.

El amor nos hace siega. Y tu como lo resto, me decepcionaste. Y yo tambien tengo la culpa de creer y amar a alguien que no sabe amar, ni a su propia sangre. Que dios te cuide. No lo hare mas. Te respeto porque eres mi padre. Pero el amor que tuviamos entre tu y yo, jamas volverá. Ya se quien eres. Nunca cambiaras. Estoy cansada de tener esperanzas, cansada de esperar por una frase linda, un cariño, un apoyo.

No estoy triste. No me duele. Solo te digo que para mi, tu, tus acciones, tus palabras, mas feas que buenas, son cosas del ayer.
I hope you enjoyed your day.

That's me giving you a a rasberry.

I just finally caught Hellboy 2 and OMG was I in love with Prince Nuada:

He just reminded me of Dani Filth. And did I loooooovvvveeeeee Dani Filth.

I'm realizing now most of my writing is based on my teenage crushes and their undying passion for yours truly. Like my Iron Maiden spanish soap opera one and my vampire novel regarding my then love of my life Dani Filth. Here's a pic to show his loveliness:
Didn't I tell you he looked like Nuada?This is a younger pic though.

Anyway I loved Hellboy2. Mind you I had no interest in seeing either films. But it turned out pretty good. Lol I won't say more cos I really could care less for a summation.
Stuffs on my mind is all.

Don't like it when friends lose part of themselves. That and I want to get rid of my ridiculous fantasies/daydreams or what have you about Eddie. There is no room for him or any man in my future. LoL no darlings. I'm not dykeldelic. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just seems that some things in life are best kept for others who...well, just others. 

My bad...took a gargantuan swig of Orange soda...not only did I get the biggest brain freeze but it was the most delicious thing I've ever drank...liquid beauty I tell you.

Where was I? Oh yes...Eddie. Gr...I don't know why my subconscious thinks of him. I guess it still longs for someone or something to take away the pain. But I refuse to let that happen. My pain, my emptiness. It's mine. And I need no man to take it away. And definitely no man to add on to it. I don't need someone to feel special, needed, sexy, loved. I've been without a consort my whole life. Everything I've ever dealt with has been between friends, family. Never a man. I don't need one to feel content. That's just beneath me. And OTHERS should feel that way too, but no two people are alike.

I'm going to finish watching the rest of "The Air I Breathe" and probably hit the sack. It's my brother in-law's birthday today. Hip Hip hoo-pffft!! That's me giving you a a rasberry.
I'm in the middle of combing my hair. Don't worry I still have another 89 strokes to go....

My hair is in my face and I can't see much lol.

Today's short entry will be about Eddie.

I've seen his name on television, books, people yelling his name out in the streets. I think God is trying to tell me something.

But no way, right? There is no celestial bond between us. He's a good guy, one of the sweetest and most odd in a cute sort of way. But I barely know him. So why do I think about him a lot? Besides drooling over his beautiful muscled arms and strong-looking hands.

Ugh! To this day I still don't know whether he likes(d) me or not and I don't know if I do want to know.

see ya for now

I'm not an asshole by nature but I know how to act like one when provoked. So I hope the people who read this understand that this is not a provocation but me crying out to them, for love, for our friendship, because I do after all, care about them. In no way or other is this a lashing. PLease Understand that.

So...here goes nothing:

What the fuck guys!
How did you guys ever meet, hook up, and manage to fall in love? How did you manage to care for one another? Is this what love does? Changes you into some weak or asshole-like person? Maybe???

Of course I understand the argument. Though what would I know, right? I've only been in one relationship. What would I know about relationships anyway?

Who gives a shit.

I may be no expert but people, I do know. To be honest people stress the word relationship. What the fuck is the big deal anyway?! You want to be with someone don't think of it as a situation. Think about the person. If you dig her/him then what's the issue with making things complicated? Why must there be games? I mean sure, who doesn't want things to be interesting? lol but are we that petty to drive fear into the hearts of others just so you'll know their limits? What's the point being with someone you'll only throw away. Why don't we know ourselves? Now that is a good question indeed.

When you love someone, it's all or nothing. You can't handle it, you don't feel that way, then it's not love. If suddenly you feel alone in this union you've formed, then maybe it's time to pack up and get the fuck out of there. Or if suddenly your partner feels drained because of you using him/her, that you're only with them because it makes life less lonely because of a hang up or what have you, guess what? No es amor, coño! People make mistakes. That's what we do. But whatever happened to learning from them?

No fighting. No words. If there are actions, he/she weeping, or fucking up, sure give them another chance. But it's up to you. Because deep down you know you'll just go down that road again eventually. But there are always miracles. People change after all. But they tend to stay the same if you know where to look. 

So friends and stalker lady if you so happen to read this:
If you're willing to give it your all and so is your partner then it's worth fighting for. The reward will truly be great. I loved a man for many years. I gave him my heart wholly. I imagined a life with him, a family, a future. But he didn't. Not with me at least. And yes I thought I knew him. I thought he suffered as much as I did. But when it was over and I felt used, and belittled, where I felt that all hope was lost and that I'd never love again, a part of me died. I was dead. I lived solely to make my loved ones happy, because they are the ones who had faith in me when I had none. 

I have lost so much of myself to the point where I don't even recognize my own face in the mirror. I am in constant disappointment with my actions lol, with myself in general. I don't know what keeps me going any more. I don't feel much these days anyway. So cut the bullshit. Be strong. Don't let anything or anyone bring you down. Don't be the doormat. Know them. And definitely don't take shit from the people who supposedly love you. Cos guess what? They don't.

So please, from the bottom of my heart, be true to one another and yourselves and save yourselves from a fate worse than death.  

The baddest of Baddies

Ok so much for my pet...

I'm not disappointed, just bored...


Writer's Block: Same Name

Yes! She's a nobody actress :D

And fuck no...I'll never hire her because...


Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

Do you believe in monogamy?
yes and no...everyone has the urge but there are few who remain loyal...or whatever you want to call it



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March 2011


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