Friday, May 04, 2018

I'm happier when it goes both ways

My oldest friend has battled mightily with depression and health issues. When the world overwhelms her, she has a tendency to shut off. That's OK. I've been known to do that, too.

She has confided to me that when she is in the throes of pain, she fantasizes about suicide. That's not OK. So when I don't hear from her, I worry.

Earlier this spring we went weeks without corresponding. I called, she didn't pick up and her voice mail was full so I couldn't leave a message. I emailed, but she didn't respond. I sent snail mail, but she didn't open it. I was frantic.

I reached out to her cousin via Facebook. She lives with her much-loved older cousin now, and on the one hand, I find that comforting. There's someone right there, who understands my friend's issues, keeping an eye on her.

On the other hand, I felt bad bothering Cuz. She has a husband in one hospital and a 90-year-old mother in another hospital. Neither her husband nor her mother is ever coming home. Easing them out of life must be exhausting. She doesn't need me tweaking her on Facebook.

But it worked! My oldest friend and I emailed back and forth, back and forth, for a month. Now it's nothing but crickets again.

Her adult son and his girlfriend stopped by last weekend. Is that why she's so quiet? She idolizes him so, and he has depression and anger and entitlement issues and has been known to disappoint her.

She's unemployed and applied for another job last week. Did she hear she didn't get it? Is that why she's so quiet?

I'm so worried about her. I dozed off after work -- damn! I was watching a special about my much-missed Robert Osborne -- and had a terrible nightmare. My (very young) nephew and I were in the back seat of my mother's car. She was behind the wheel and behaving strangely. She drove past her house and headed toward the railroad tracks.

A train was coming. She stopped on the tracks. She was willing to kill us all.

I got my nephew out of the car and then held him to me so he couldn't see the carnage on the tracks.

Now let's see -- My mother didn't have a car. She didn't even have a driver's license. And she died of natural causes after putting up quite a fight. She was not suicidal. My nephew is a 6' tall high school senior. Clearly this dream is completely symbolic.

My oldest friend and I grew up together in the same hometown. Our homes were separated only by an alley. So the setting leads me to believe my disrupted sleep is all about my oldest friend.

I love her. I miss her. With all my heart, I hope she's OK. I'm praying for her.