I want to tell you a little of this particular piece's background.  The day I wrote it my family was leaving for a Thanksgiving vacation with relatives.  Unfortunately though, I had just gotten sick.  The night before I wrote the poem, I was awake on and off all night and ended up leaving my bed in favor of sleeping in my bedroom chair simply because this way, I could breathe slightly easier.  I am sure that you know how getting sick goes; you are exhausted and can't breathe through your nose yet breathing through your mouth makes it burn like crazy among other things.  Recently, it seems that I am getting sinus infections so frequently that I barely get back to functioning normally when I get sick yet again.  And frankly, I was sick of it! :)  After a crazy situation of not getting sinus infection medicine from the urgent care doctor on top of a thirteen hour car ride and time with relatives all when I was supposed to be having fun, I was left with the one thought of not again, God and put my feelings to words.  When rereading what I had written that day, I found that it reaches far beyond physical sickness and captures our heart cry during trials of any kind.  I hope that it will reach your heart in a special way today.

The agony of reality is pressing down and surrounding me in a clammy cloud.
Not again.
Feeling the symptoms and asking why again? why me? why now?
Knowing in the gut I am being called upon to endure . . . yes, again.
Knowing I have come to the cliff's edge again and seeing that the path of escape has crumbled from behind me yet again.
Being stranded here with just one thought:
Not again.
The winds are lashing my face raw.  The rain is soaking me through.  The hail is pelting me and leaving pinpricks of searing, icy pain all over my feeble body.  I am standing here, unable.
Once again.
I close my eyes because I know that the only way I can be tortured is if I choose to give in instead of standing firm.  From the depths of my heart I look to You.  My soul longs for You.  Your grace is what I need.  Your grace is all I need.  I draw close; I gaze upon Your face, Your glory, Your beauty, Your majesty.  The sickness within me lurches, but to You LORD I cry out.  To You I grasp with all that is in me through the gritted teeth and agonizing pain.
Because Your will is supreme over mine.
Once again.
Lashed raw, soaked cold, pelted relentlessly, I cling to my Saviour and say:
"Yes Lord, once again."

 © 2012 Deborah Hope Shining


  1. Thank you Deborah, this is just what I needed today. I can not explain the things I am enduring, but for some reason, God again has me in a situation that I can not explain. I ask myself over and over again. why must I endure such agony? why must I feel that the people around me are like satsn servers and just torturing me, and how do I get through it this time.
    I know in my heart that God will only give me what he thinks I can handle, but can I handle it this time?

