Attempting to Cry, Giuliani Vomits on Several Undecided Voters

Sarasota, FLA – Taking a cue from the campaign of Hillary Rodham Clinton, which seemed to get a boost from her public display of emotion a few days earlier, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani allegedly attempted to cry at a campaign event at the Hilton Hotel in Sarasota this morning, but wound up vomiting on several undecided voters seated near him at a large table.

Mr. Giuliani was taking part in a breakfast event with undecided voters in the hotel restaurant, as the first of many stops he was scheduled to make today in a swing through Florida. Mr. Giuliani is focusing on Florida instead of Michigan or South Carolina due to his unconventional strategy of waiting until the election is over before beginning his campaign.

With cameras running, Mr. Giuliani began a seemingly personal monologue about his childhood, his upbringing, and his moral conviction. He then constrained the muscles of his face, grew very red, and looked to be struggling greatly. Onlookers speculate Mr. Giuliani was attempting to draw tears, but was having difficulty. The crowd in attendance grew silent, as Mr. Giuliani continued to struggle, trying harder each time to muster what is alleged to have been emotion. At one point, a voter sitting nearby said, “Oh, Dear God, please stop. Your head’s going to explode.”

And at that very moment, Mr. Giuliani leaned over to his left and simultaneously vomited not only on the voter who spoke up, but on at least three others. The room was cleared as quickly as possible by Giuliani staffers, and several minutes went by before a spokesman for the Giuliani campaign appeared in the lobby of the Hilton.

“Mr. Giuliani regrets that he ate something which disagreed with him,” the spokesman, who did not reveal his name, said. “He apologizes to anyone he may have sprayed with vomit, and hopes he might still earn their votes, though he acknowledges that to be unlikely.”

When asked if Mr. Giuliani was attempting to cry, the spokesman replied, “Absolutely not. That’s absurd and completely without merit. Anyone who knows Mayor Giuliani knows he has no emotion, and therefore would not attempt to summon any.”