Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.


War Hero
Calls have grown for Emma Raducanu to be made an MBE, OBE or even a Dame following her win at the US Open.
It is not yet known if the Queen will grant an honour to the teenager, but Prince Andrew has stated he would love to give her one.


War Hero
That neighbour of mine is a proper ****, every time my lads ball goes into his garden he puts a knife through it.
Anyway, I got my revenge yesterday, his toddler got into my garden.


War Hero
This bloke went to the Chinese doctors complaining he couldn't get a girlfriend no matter what he done
"Take your trousers off and bend over" asked the doctor
The man did this
" now turn round three times" he was told
"Any news doc ? " asked the man
" yep, Just as I thought" said the Chinese doctor, "you have Zackary syndrome."
"What the **** is that ?" asked the patient
Chinese Doctor replies "Your face is Zackary same as your arse."


A mate was teaching his four year old son Spanish, He did not even know the word for please.

I think thats very poor for four.
That's as bad as this.

What does a spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Hose A
Hose B


I used to know a Spanish magician who claimed he could make himself disappear on the count of three.

“Uni, dos” and then he just vanished without a tres.
Took me a moment thinking about accents. Not bad, I can use it in class so thanks.

P.S. Uno, dos, tres. -Spanish.
Un, dos, tres -Catalan.
My Bag for Life just broke. Don't know whether i feel cheated or worried..
Remember! A bag is not just for Christmas!

I have nightmares about these bags.
The scene: my funeral.
To one side, a whole row of people.
"Ah! Was he so popular?" Someone asks.
"No, no. There are Sainsburys, Asda, Morrisons, Tesco... All here to claim back their 'bags for life'".
If it's true that we are here to help others, then,
what exactly are the others here for?
A saying I once heard, which I try to teach my staff:
"If you find yourself in a section of eight, and you always look out for number one, someone - you - is always watching your back.
Look out for numbers two to eight, and seven people are watching your back".

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