Shirley’s BREXIT Burn Book

Breda Gormley’s knickers have been kissed by more fellas than the Blarney Stone... Lucky cow.

Dolly, Take The Wheel:

Old people have a rep for being terrible with technology. (Except for my pal Dolly Grip, who’s an absolute whizz with Pokémon Go and Grindr. But she, as anyone watching over her shoulder would note, is clearly. not. normal.)

Thankfully, normal old people soon won’t have to worry about grasping new technology. Not because they’ll be dead but because Artificial Intelligence will mean they won’t need to learn at all. AI means cars will soon be able to drive Nana to bingo without her needing to take her eyes off her knitting pattern. But programming these cars involves making complicated ethical decisions, like what to do if it looks like the car is gonna crash into a group of people. Who dies first?!

A recent conference in the US examined the issue and came out with a priority list for driverless cars. This list priorities humans over animals, the young over the old, and doctors over athletes. So if you’re a doctor, for example, the car will swerve to avoid you but if you’re a really old woman, it probably won’t.

I’m not sure if that’s good or bad news for Dr Panti Bliss.

Plastic Padding:

It was great to see the school kids of Ireland take to the streets to demand the adults do something about climate change. After all, scientists think that we have about 30 years to prevent irreversible damage to the planet. #TickTock

30 years goes by in a flash. Can you believe that 30 years ago this month, Madonna released Like A Prayer? It’s probably her most recognizable work – if you don’t count the stuff going on with her face. There’s a lot of single use plastic gone into those cheeks.

They say good cheekbones are like a bra for the older face – and Madge is very fond of an oddly shaped bra.

Shame And Shame Alike:

As Panti and Dolly regularly remind me, age-shaming is a real thing. Both of these ladies, who are in their 50’s, remind me that making someone’s age the butt of the joke is lazy and ageist.

And these glamorous qinquagenarians, who have so many years of experience and who have lived through so much, have a point. Isn’t about time that we showed our almost senior citizens some respect?

I mean, Panti was a middle-aged lady when she went back to college to get her honorary degree and Dolly still doesn’t need glasses at her age. She drinks straight out of the Vodka bottle.

Antique Technology:

Working in a tech company is pretty grim, even if you include the free muffins and pinball machines. Those freebies often come with a price.

Like your sanity, if you are one of those poor Facebook monitors who have to review hideous YouTube videos for hours every day.

Or like your dignity, if you are one of their over-40 employees who have to put up with being called ‘elders’ by clueless 20somethings, which actually happened at a recent tech seminar aimed at reducing, wait for it, ageism in the workplace!

Why would anyone want to work somewhere that made you feel like a bear on twink night?

The Only Way Is Up:

Not everybody thinks younger is better. Take One Direction’s Liam Payne. He’s just moved on from his marriage to Cheryl Cole to start dating Naomi Campbell who is almost twice his age. And she’s 13 years older than Cheryl, which, come to think of it, is exactly how many years Cheryl’s music career lasted. #spooky

This article appears in the 352 Issue of GCN

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This article appears in the 352 Issue of GCN