😢[Relationship Series] Does Insecurity Kills the Cat?

26 January 2020

Insecurity is a lot more common than we think. Between you and I, everybody in this world has some levels or aspects of insecurities they're clinging to. Perhaps for some of us, we're more anxious to break free from the many unanswered "what-ifs" questions we beat ourselves with. At some point of our lives I'm sure we've come to the realisation that our insecurities, whatever form they may be, are taking a toll on our lives and relationships, and it's actually exhausting to face it by yourself. In some instances, you might be so overwhelmed with these thoughts that you'd hurt the ones who you actually love as well.

Before we truly begin with the topic on insecurities in the context of human relationships, I'd like to just point out that I'm clearly not an expert in this sort of discussion. My own experience in battling my inner turmoils and talking it out with a few kind souls that I trust are enough to convince me that it's okay to talk about it in public. Let's face it, we've all come across the same problem a couple of times in our lives.

If you're not confident about yourself, then how do you expect to believe in someone who thinks the world of you?

I came across similar sayings like this in movies and even in conversation exchanges between friends. It strikes to me because it truly shows how insecurities can block a lot of good things into your life, including believing in yourself and others. I don't think a mere post can change my life for the better, but it could be a step to realising that I have a problem and that I can fix it... step by step.

What is insecurity?

According to Good Therapy, insecurities involves having a lack of confidence and self-worth that some people perceive about themselves in their lives. In some instances, being a little insecure isn't entirely a bad thing. Feeling a bit jealous or possessive that is expressed within a safe boundary is still considered healthy. However, the moment our insecurities lead to actions and make us grow more dependent on someone, it changes the game entirely.

When we're in a relationship with somebody without our self-worth, we give ourselves little choice but to depend on that very relationship to complete the missing pieces. When this isn't reciprocated, we break apart and that's how our relationship feel the side-effects of our insecurities.

Here are just some examples of instances that showcase insecurities by PsychCentral. Do you spot any that relate to you? To be honest, I feel slightly attacked with some (insert inner laugh-cry here):

  1. Pushing yourself to be extra nicer or giving to get someone's attention or support.
  2. More focused on pleasing others than fulfilling your own feelings and needs.
  3. Have a major fear of unwanted scenarios like rejection or abandonment.
  4. Can be easily overwhelmed with emotions and need the help of others to calm you down.
  5. Have trouble to express/open yourself up to others so you focus on their interests instead (can be overwhelming for that other person).
  6. Purposefully choose partners who you perceive as "distant" so that you need to work in getting their attention and ensure the relationship is intact. The downside? It pushes your belief that you're not good enough (you're working to make things work).

Sue me, I have insecurites. What do I do?

We've heard of this many times, but I'll put it out here to nail it to my head too: your relationship with YOURSELF is worth everything and that is why having awareness to form a better inner relationship with yourself is important. The success of your relationship with another person all comes down to how you view yourself in the first place, which will reflect your actions and behaviour with others. You may be a wonderful person to be with but your insecurities, if they're not pushed aside, can stop you from fully expressing who you are.

  1. If you critic yourself too hard, then change tactics. Channel that same energy to convince yourself otherwise. Remind yourself with reasons why you're an interesting person. There are people in your life who love to have you around. Tell yourself how your existence made a difference in someone else's life.
  2. Set realistic goals about changing yourself and drop your inner-perfectionist. You can't be a different person overnight. If you want to be better, you have to celebrate every little detail of you as you change. Even if you flopped a little, you're trying and that's always better than nothing at all.
  3. Keep your relationships with family and friends alive. You gain more strength in a relationship when you know you have a backup plan if things don't work out. Have steady, quality relationships with other people you trust that you can fall back to if things go wrong. There's more than one source of happiness in our lives.
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"Insecurity breeds insecurity" as Dr. Randi Gunther wrote in her article. This was used to describe an analogy or a consequence when our insecurities continue to be let loose even when our loved ones try to heal us. They would scrutinise their own worth in the relationship when nothing works or little of what they did actually made you feel better. There is so much that someone can do to help make us feel better. In the end, you need to realise that you have that upperhand to face yourself straight on and love yourself. 


  1. Thank u for this! this is really helpful :) having lot of insecurities sucks huhu


    1. I feel your pain, Syasya. They're hard to remove because of how deeply ingrained they are in our mind. It takes a lot of work and self-perseverance to fix every insecurity away. Here's to lesser insecurities in the future!

  2. insecurities..shuh shuh...go away,don't come again some other day... =P

    hi,just drop by here..

    come visit me,but my blog in bahasa.ngeh3


    follow here!

    1. Hi Nasuha! I'm totally open to reading a variety of blogs. I love my blogwalking sessions. hehe thanks for dropping by ya!

  3. Very insightful and somehow hit deep huhu. It's so hard having insecurities but even till this day I can't seem to let go any of my insecurities :(

    1. Hewo Lya! I KNOW. When I was going through some of the articles online for reference purposes, I had my ego attacked left and right. I didn't know how much my insecurities hurt others as much as they do to me. But I hope that we can be more comfortable with ourselves, little by little each day. They're a part of who we are and so, with time, we can come to love ourselves more and learn to trust better.


  4. thanks for this sharing :)


  5. Well I do experience number 3 though. Sometimes I realize I fear abandonment. I really do not want to be left alone even when I said I don't mind being alone. And I do criticize myself sometimes. I want to be the best version of myself but when I fail to do so I criticize myself too hard. It's not healthy but sometimes I really can't help it which is a MAJOR yikes. Hopefully it'll get better soon though *sigh*

    1. Hello Amy! I know these experiences all too well and I'm not surprised if others can readily relate to these things too. The part where you mentioned about not wanting to be left alone even when you gave signals not to is hard to explain, even from me. I guess from my perspective I just want to "see" if the people I trust would try even harder to stay and make me feel better despite the complicated circumstances I create around myself. What I try do to help me cope in accepting myself better is too flood just good descriptions about myself, how far I've come to get to where I am now, how I'm not as bad as I think I do, how there are people who actually appreciate and need me around, etc. These kinds of things make me feel better, even just a little. I hope we both can get over this hardship and love ourselves more, because let's face it, we are amazing people. We just need to see that. <3

  6. thanks for sharing this. it's really hard to control my insecurities sometimes. i hate my negative mind :(


  7. After a relationship ends, realization comes next and there are people who want to restore their ruined relationship after some reflection. Do you want to rebuild your broken relationship with your ex? Although some would agree that it is better to leave things as they are and move on, there are people who believe that love is lovelier the second time around and reconciliation win an ex is not impossible. Giving your relationship another chance could also save you from "what ifs" because you know you've given your relationship a fair chance and you can be at peace knowing that you've done everything you can to salvage a broken relationship. Signs he doesn't want a relationship with you