There are certain moments that are etched into my memory. The feel of a small underground club in Paris where music was stuck to the walls and bodies packed densly, everyone aching to hear sounds explode from those holding instruments. Or being suspended in the sky above mountains of ice. I recall wanting to  breathe slower, allow the silence to swallow me whole and throw me into some other space where everything I  wanted could be found.

I know what it feels like to be looked at with awe, hunger, complete adoration and apathy. And I know when to look away from anyone who can inspire more than music. And so I grab my notebook and write to put distance between what I feel and who it is felt for.

I can be found on the periphery of an experience most days. As I was at the birthday party a few days. I stood at the door and watched neon yellow, red and blue hearts and geometrical shapes  splash the wooden floors as the sound boomed from the speakers. I watched the elders looking at us with  mildly bored faces while we either stuck to the tables outside, drinking and smoking. And that pivotal moment when they got up and danced in line formation, to the shock and delight of everyone. I saw Jody, the birthday girl, dance with reckless abandonment to Grease Lighting ( that shocked me, she is 30!). But she twirled, shook her head like a punk and infected us all. Every few minutes wild screams joyously  emerged as she pulled a new dance move and rocked on.

I watched them all and jotted down notes while slowly sipping some whiskey and smoking.

At the edges is where you will find me. Hoping for words and music to encapsulate this one perfect and true moment. Except when the music takes me by the hair and pulls me to the dancefloor. A bit of dancing, music, making sweet or not so sweet love are some of the things that enable me to remove myself from myself. To be and feel without fear.

I am constantly observing, even as people sleep. I recall hearing someone breathe as though they are greedy for air. It made such sense in hindsight. He was so greedy for life, all kinds of life that not even sleep could get in the way of his voracious desire. Or another who could not be roused from sleep at all. If life is as troubling as it seemed, sleep is the one place where one cannot be interfered with, where peace can be found. And so I share my little insights. I  do read people very well. I don’t know what happens or even how but I can see them, all of who they are. Some are taken aback. If only they realised it is the perfect, unseen barrier to keep a distance between them and myself. I suppose that’s why I enjoy a good old surprise. That’s why I love it when the miraculous happens.

Or perhaps I am just jaded. Things in my life must change, my career especially. And after this deeply emotional week, I am more cognizant of it now more than ever. I need a sign from the gods, a dream.. a bit of the miraculous so I can get out of my own way….and stop being a voyeur, an observer who at times is too scared to take a risk on anything but music.

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