Millennials Are Killing Runescape

Way to go, millennials. As if you weren’t already singlehandedly responsible for the incremental collapse of society at large, you went and pulled this caper on us: last month, Jagex announced that the widely beloved classic, the aptly titled Runescape Classic, would be permanently shutting its doors, and let me tell you why that’s bullshit and all your fault.

For those outside the loop, Runescape Classic is the original, unsullied version of the game that debuted in 2001. Its bastard offspring, Old School Runescape, and worse yet, the despicable Runescape 3, will simply never live up to their old grandpappy’s legacy of a combat system where you just right-click on shit. These newer versions don’t have the charm, the beauty, the vulnerability to bots and third-party macros that Runescape Classic embodies to this day. If you’re playing a Runescape with more than fifty total quests and eighteen total colors, don’t even contemplate my general direction.

For years, Jagex has built a platform on faithfully upholding numerous different versions of the same game along its seventeen-year timeline, a frankly ludicrous achievement that extremely few other companies can claim, if any. If that incomprehensible balancing act can’t keep pace with the rapidly accelerating advancement of modern technology—if I can’t continue playing the rustiest, most outdated possible version of an MMO that launched eleven days before Wikipedia—what’s next, cats marrying dogs? It’s a slippery slope.

Who wouldn’t want to play a game that looks this good?

Maybe I’m old-fashioned. Perhaps my distrust for the contemporary is based in a deeply rooted fear of being phased out by an ever-changing postmodern culture. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the young people who are wrong. Think about it. Who else could display such a blatant lack of self-examination and critical thinking skills?

Hopefully Jagex realizes what a huge mistake they’re making. Classic fans are an army numbering in the hundreds; what will Jagex do when we decide to take our money elsewhere? We actually pay for the things we love, unlike the rebellious youth of today who illegally pirate always-online subscription-based games by the bushel.

Farewell, Runescape. It’s been a beautiful, wild ride, but you changed. How ironic that the older you get, the newer you seem. I’ll never forget how—oh, just add me on Runescape 3 or whatever, alright?