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The Haunted Lair/Transcript

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This is a transcript from the Sonic Boom episode, "The Haunted Lair".

[Scene: Outside the Haunted Forest, night.]

[People are seen falling in line.]
Barker: Patience, folks. I assure you, everyone will get the opportunity to see the amazing haunted forest, and pay me 27.50.
[Eggman cuts in line.]
Eggman: Out of my way, bozzo. Move it or lose it, tuts. Big egg on campus coming through.
[Eggman goes into the Haunted Forest and Sonic growls in anger. The rest of Team Sonic enter the Haunted Forest.]
Sticks: This place isn't so scary.
[Tails picks up a piece of paper that falls on the ground.]
Knuckles: Wh-what is it?
Tails: A proposal for government-mandated healthcare.
Sticks: [Screams] Run for your lives!!!
[Sticks runs away.]
Eggman: What a fraidy cat, whatever it is she's suppose to be. Who'd be scared of this junk? Rubber bats. Glowing eyes. Cardboard moon.
[Three fake ghosts drop and surround Eggman, scaring him.]
Eggman: [Gasps] And a real ghost!!!
[Eggman screams. Someone is heard making moaning sounds, and Eggman screams again. Eggman then runs away, causing Team Sonic to laugh.]

[Scene Change: Outside the library, day.]

[A view of the library is shown. The scene then cuts to inside the library, where Eggman is sitting at a table with several books on it. Eggman opens a book.]
Eggman: Faster, you copper clods! That ghost is haunting me. I need to find a way to exorcise him.
Cubot: Why don't you let him borrow your gym membership? Clearly you never use it.
[Eggman stares at Cubot in an annoyed face. Sonic is shown hiding. Tails walks by, but then gets dragged into hiding by Sonic.]
Sonic: [Whispering] Check it out Eggman is still freaked out from last night. What do you say we mess with him?
Tails: It seems wrong to play on Eggman's emotions when he's in such a fragile state. Did I say wrong I meant hilarious.
[Tails makes a ghost sound, causing Eggman to get frightened]
Eggman: Ah! Wh-what's that?!
[Sonic and Tails laugh. Sonic runs behind the book shelves and throws books at Eggman's table. Eggman hides under the table, frightened. Fastidious shushes Eggman, causing Eggman to get even more scared.]
Tails: This is just sad.
Sonic: Great now you've gone and made me feel guilty.
[Sonic approaches Eggman, who is still hiding under the table]
Sonic: Stop your blubbering, Eggman. It was just me. Ghosts aren't real.
Eggman: Yes they are!
[Eggman bumps his head in the table and moans in pain. Eggman then shows Sonic a photograph in a book.]
Eggman: How else do you explain this blurry photograph?!
[The photograph is shown to be dark.]
Sonic: Bad photography? Come with me, I'll prove to you there's no such thing as ghosts.

[Scene change: Inside the Haunted Forest, day.]

[Barker, Sonic, Tails, and Eggman walk inside the Haunted Forest.]
Barker: I usually preserve the daytime walkthrough for preschoolers, but since you insisted... As you can see it's all just cheap special effects and atmosphere music.
[Barker turns on the radio, then it makes a ghostly sound.]
Radio: Turn tape over for more fun filled sounds of "horror".
[Barker walks towards the graveyard and shows them a button on the ground]
Barker: When you step here, it triggers the ghost drop.
[Barker steps on the button, causing the three fake ghosts to fall down and surround Eggman. Eggman screams like a girl, but realizes that the ghosts are just fake with a disapporoving grunt. Barker cuts the rope with scissors, causing the fake ghost, which is just made of cloth, to fall down.]
Sonic: What did I tell ya? No such thing as ghosts.
Eggman: Now I've got nothing to fear, except maybe that numbness in my left arm. I'm sure it's nothing.

[Scene Change: Outside Eggman's lair, night.]

[A view of Eggman's lair is show. The scene then cuts to Eggman sleeping in his bed. Eggman then hears a ghostly sound and wakes up]
Eggman: Wh-who's there?
[Eggman sees a ghost.]
Eggman: [Screams] No. Ghosts aren't real. This is all a trick, just like Barker showed me.
[Eggman tries to use scissors to cut the rope holding the ghost up, but it turns out there is no rope on the ghost.]
Eggman: Oh, that's no good.
[The ghost gets close to Eggman.]
Eggman: [Screams] G-g-ghosts are real!
[Eggman runs away.]

[Scene Change: Outside the Haunted Forest, day.]

[Eggman, the Stunt Bears, and Barker are outside]
Barker: I've heard of this before. Some good-looking entrepreneur type opens a humble haunted attraction on the smallest of Gogoba burial grounds only to anger the spirit world and send a cavalcade of ghouls.
Eggman: Straight into my lair! So this is all your fault!
Barker: Now, let's not point numb fingers. I'm sure everything's going to be just fine.
Eggman: Easy for you to say. You don't have to live in a haunted lair.
Barker: I'm a reasonable fellow. I'm not gonna just leave you in your time of need. How about I take that lair of your hands? Free you of the burden of ghost ownership?
Eggman: And what guarantee do I get that the ghosts won't follow me?
Barker: Oh, your a shrewd businessman. I'll just have to stipulate that the sale includes any and all items inside the lair. After all, ghosts are powerless against red tape.
[Barker writes on a contract he is holding, then gives it to Eggman. Eggman signs the contract and gives the keys to his lair to Barker.]
Eggman: The old Eggman negotiating skills. Still got it.
[Eggman runs off.]

[Scene Change: Inside Sonic's Shack, day.]

[Sonic is sleeping in his hammock, but suddenly wakes up after he hears hammering. Sonic falls out of his hammock.]
Sonic: [Grumpily groans] It's 2:30 in the afternoon. People are trying to sleep!
[Sonic walks out of his shack and sees Eggman hammering while building a shack for himself.]
Sonic: Huh?
[Eggman waves at Sonic.]
Eggman: Since my lair is full of one hundred percent certified evil spirits, I had to sell the place to Barker. Looks like we're gonna be beach buddies!
Sonic: No~!!!

[Scene Change: Outside Eggman's Lair, day.]

[Eggman and Sonic are walking.]
Sonic: Okay, we're going to get to the bottom of...
[Sonic gets surprised.]
Sonic: What's going on here?
[The scene cuts to Barker who standing in front of a redecorated entrance to Eggman's Lair with his Stunt Bears by his side. A line of villagers are standing in front of the entrance.]
Barker: Welcome, thrilled seekers, to the most fear-incusing attraction yet: The Deadly Lair.
Eggman: [To Barker.] Have you gone mad? You'll anger the spirit world again!
Sonic: Don't be drafted, Egghead. Barker conned you. He was just looking for a bigger, better venue for his attraction. I'll show you.
[Sonic is about to enter Eggman's Lair, but is blocked by Stunt Bear No. 2.']
Barker: That'll be fifty bucks.
[Sonic groans and gives Barker fifty bucks.]
Barker: Each.
[Sonic groans and sticks his hand in front of Eggman, but Eggman just whistles. Sonic groans, and pulls more money he has out from behind his hand, and pays Barker. As Sonic and Eggman are about to enter the lair, Eggman gets scared and stops on the treashold when Sonic enters the lair. Eggman's teeth are chattering. Sonic then returns and drags Eggman inside. The lair entrance closes.]

[Scene Change: Inside Eggman's Lair.]

[Sonic and Eggman are walking inside the lair. A ghost then suddenly comes out of a secret panel and a ghostly sound is heard. Eggman gets frightened and hides behind Sonic.]
Eggman: No! Take Sonic, not me!
[Sonic groans and turns on the lights.]
Eggman: Huh?
Sonic: It's no ghost. It's nothing but smoke and mirrors.
Eggman: What makes you so sure?
Sonic: Well, for starters, the smoke and the mirrors.
[Sonic shows Eggman the smoke and the mirrors.]
Sonic: And then there's the digital projection of the ghosts.
[Sonic shows Eggman the digital projection of the ghost. Sonic then makes a finger puppet with the projector and laughs quietly.]

[Scene Change: Outside Eggman's lair, day.]

[Eggman comes out of the lair.]
Eggman: [To Barker.] You conned me! Give me back my lair!
Barker: Sorry, Eggman, a deal's a deal.
Eggman: Oh yeah? Well, let's see what my robots have to say about that!
Barker: Don't you mean my robots? The sale included any and all items inside the lair. Remember?
[Barker presses a button. Decimator Bot is seen jumping down from the roof of the lair. Burnbot and Decimator Bot then grab Eggman and begin dragging him away.]
Eggman: No, you can't do this to me! I created you! These are crooks! There aren't any real ghosts in there! It's a sham!
[Burnbot sends Eggman flying by throwing him. Beaverton turns around.]
Beaverton: Mr. Barker, is that hysterical lunatic ranting the truth?!
Barker: No, this lair really is haunted. What would I have to gain from lying to you good people?
[Barker removes his hat and a lot of coins fall down on the ground from inside his hat. The people in line gasp and walk away.]
Barker: Come back! There are more reprehensible attractions out there! At least I'm not hurting any whales!

[Scene Change: Seaside Island beach, day.]

[Eggman draws his lair in the sand with a stick while sitting on a rock.]
Eggman: Great, after everyone saw me getting tossed out of my own lair, they don't respect or fear me anymore! [Snaps stick] Time to call in the big guns!

[Scene Change: Inside Eggman's lair.]

[Orbot is wearing an Eggman mask while hitting Cubot with a rolled up magazine.]
Orbot: Okay, okay, my turn.
[Cubot puts on the Eggman mask and hits Orbot with the rolled up magazine. AN antenna pops out of Cubot's head.]
Eggman: [Calling through Cubot] Orbot. Cubot. You there?
Orbot: Oh, your impression has gotten so much better.
Cubot: Hey, Doc. You're in my head!
Eggman: [Sarcastically.] Yeah, and I've got plenty of room in here too.
[Cubot takes off the Eggman mask.]
Eggman: Listen, I need you two dimwits to help me retake the lair.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

[Lasers are getting blasted at the villagers. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Sticks arrive as the villagers flee the scene.]
Sonic: Not so fast, Barker!
[Motobugs, Beetle Bots, and Mantis Bots walk through the Village Center in formation. Barker is revealed to be flying in the Eggmobile.]
Barker: It's over, Sonic. The denouement! The final credcendo! Your meddling cost me my business! Now, prepare to make acquaintance with your demise, for it is imminent!
Knuckles: For all Eggman's faults, at least I understood what he was saying.
Barker: Automatons: action!
[Motobugs drive ahead. Knuckles tries to punch them from the air, but misses. The Motobugs the circle around Sonic, Tails and Sticks while firing lasers at them. The Beetle Bot then blasts lasers at Sonic, Tails and Sticks. Sonic grunts and a Beetle Bot blasts another laser at them. Sonic tries to spin attack a Beetle Bots, but it use a force-field to block his attack. The Beetle Bots then starts flying over Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Sticks before starting to drop bombs. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Sticks duck while the Beetle Bots continue dropping bombs.]
Sticks: Why are we having so much trouble here? We fight these jobber bots all the time.
Tails: Barker's running plays we've never seen before. This guy has got a real strategy!
Sonic: Well, strategy or not, I am gonna get to smashing.
[Sonic starts to run around, but gets knock down by a throwing claw from a Mantis Bot, who recatches its claw.]
Sonic: Okay, lets try that again.
[Sonic runs again.]

[Scene Change: Inside Eggman's HQ room.]

[Cubot and Orbot go in, while the Stunt Bears are sleeping.]
Cubot: We're in the HQ room, boss.
Eggman: Perfect! Now head to the console.
[Stunt Bear No. 2 raises his arms while sleeping. Cubot and Orbot sigh, then they go to the console while passing the sleeping Stunt Bears.]
Orbot: Sir, we need to keep our volume at a sensible level.
Eggman: [Shouting.] What?! I can't hear you! You'll have to be louder!
[Stunt Bear No. 1 grabs Orbot while sleeping, while Cubot reaches the console.]
Eggman: First thing's first. I need you to delete my internet searches, but don't look at it. Now, install the virus.

[Scene Change: Village Center, day.]

[Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Sticks are being circled by Motobugs.]
Barker: Looks like all these old robots needed was a new business plan, and as CEO of Eggman Industries... [To himself] Really ought to change that name... I assure you. You'll all be torn to shreds with the utmost efficiency.
Knuckles: That's a relief.
[The Motobugs stop moving and their eyes turn white. The Mantis Bots' eyes also turn white. The Motobugs then start blasting lasers at Barker as he falls out of the Eggmobile.]
Barker: Argh! This is mutiny!
[Barker lands in front of Eggman.]
Eggman: [To Barker.] Yup, heard of this before. Looks like your robots have contracted the Anti-allegiance Virus. They're not gonna stop until they've destroyed their master. Hey, that's you, isn't it?
Barker: You gotta do something!
Eggman: Tell you what. Since I'm a reasonable fellow, I'm not gonna leave you in your time of need. How about I take that lair of your hands? Once I'm their master, you'll be off the hook.
[Barker growls then a Motobug blasts a laser at him which makes his tail catch fire. Barker puts his burning tail out. Barker then tears Eggman's contract in half and tosses the keys to Eggman's lair into Eggman's hands.]
Barker: Take it! It's yours!
[Baker runs away.]
[Eggman goes onboard his Eggmobile and uses it to turn his Badniks back to normal.]
Eggman: Eggman's back in business. baby! You ready for a battle, hedgehog?
Sonic: Aren't I always?
[Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Sticks, Eggman, and the Badniks approach each other as the screen freezes and fades to black.]