Recap: Game of Thrones S07E03 “The Queen’s Justice”

SPOILER ALERT! Jon Snow is a butt!!!

Last week, Daenerys Targaryen lost most of her ships by being terrible at strategy and she continues that trend this week.

daenerys (played by emilia clarke) and jon snow (played by kit harington) meet for the first time

Daenerys and Jon Snow finally meet and Daenerys acts as haughty as she can possibly be. Either Jon Snow bends the knee to her and swears complete loyalty, or he is her enemy. Jon refuses.

Directly after this conversation, Varys informs Daenarys about Euron ambushing their ships and that Yara, Ellaria and the Sand Snakes are either captured or dead. She’ll probably need Jon Snow’s help and not the other way around. Whoops.

She gives Jon permission to mine the dragonglass, because she really, really needs him as an ally.

She should be nice to Jon Snow, anyway. He is her nephew, after all.

melisandre (played by carice can houten) prepare to leave westeros

Melisandre is leaving Westeros for Volantis. I hope that she is gone for a long time and stops trying to bang princes.

euron greyjoy (played by pilou asbæk) leads the sand snakes and yara to the castle

Euron drags Yara and the Sand Snake through the streets of King’s Landing in a scene remeniscent of Cersei’s shame march.

Being given Ellaria, the woman who killed her only daughter, as a gift is enough for Cersei to agree to marry Euron, after the war is over.

euron greyjoy (played by pilou asbæk) asks jaime lannister (played by nikolaj coster-waldau) if cersei like butt stuff
Bum Bum Bum

Euron asks Jaime if Cersei likes a finger up her bum. Euron is the worst.

Go away, Urine. Nobody likes you.

tyene sand (played by rosabell laurenti sellers) is poisoned by cersei

Cersei poisons Tyene Sand with the same poison lipstick that Ellaria used to kill Myrcella. Ellaria will be forced to watch her daughter die and rot.

Cersei’s brain is broken.

sansa stark (played by sophie turner) hugs bran stark (played by isaac hempstead wright)

Brandon Stark finally returns to  Winterfell and is reunited with his sister Sansa, but he’s some sort of creepy weirdo who can see all the timelines at once. His best friend is the creepy face tree.

Puberty hit Bran so hard, he has PTSD now.

jorah mormont (played by iain glen) is completely cured of greyscale
Gross No More

Jorah Mormont has been completely cured of greyscale, so he can return to his life’s mission of beta-orbiting around Daenerys.

This whole greyscale plotline seems like a pointless waste of time.

I mean, Sam’s master was kinda mad about him disobeying orders and almost fired him from school, but he didn’t, so I guess nobody faced any consequences or learned anything.

the unsullied lay seige to casterly rock

The Unsullied attack and capture Casterly Rock, but there was only a bare bones army there, because Casterly Rock actually isn’t that important, why protect it? Whoops.

And while the unsullied are dinking around the castle, Euron comes by and ganks all their ships. The unsullied are going to have to walk home. Whoops.

So where is the Lannister army? They’re laying siege to Highgarden. Whoops.

queen olenna tyrell (played by diana rigg) prepares to die
The Queen

Now, this is simply unacceptable.

Jaime gives Olenna poison to kill herself out of mercy, so that she won’t have to die by beheading or torture.

This is terrible! The quality of the banter is going to plummet, now.

At least she got to call Joffrey a cunt before she died.

So, there you have it, Daenerys got all her allies killed because she forgot that other countries have boats and for some reason she thought the Casterly Rock was important, despite the fact that all the Lannisters were in King’s Landing. Yeesh.