Tag: resentment

counterdependent man

Counterdependence – A Manly Dysfunction

Counter-dependent and codependent relationships can be toxic. Learn why it’s important to understand this balance.

Addictive food nurturing


I am little again.

She bounces around the kitchen all bubbly joy and smiles, lite on her feet, a twinkle in her eye.

Doris Day regales and brightens my tiny senses: Que Sera, Sera whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, Que Sera, Sera.

The magical aroma of boiling liquid fudge dominates and warms our safe place. It was wudge to my little self, by far the most wonderful smell of my childhood.

What a perfect blend – soft sweet chocolate bettered by crunchy, salty pecans. It tasted heavenly. It was nurturing addictive motherly love. I would gobble it up until I was sick.

I longed for more touch from my sweet, angry, too busy mother but I gleefully consumed that which she offered. The special treat filled in what I needed and ultimately it wasn’t nearly enough.

I am little still.

couples in recovery

A Recovery Love Story

Mark Smith, LCSW

Dante’s parents were completely undependable. His father was a raging alcoholic and his mother had a new boyfriend every other week. Broken promises and lies were the only consistent characteristic of his childhood. He learned that he was THE only one that he could ever truly rely upon. He built thick walls to protect himself from the world’s cruel betrayals.

Dante grew into a very handsome man and women flocked to him. His first love ruined their relationship due to her addiction to prescription drugs. She was his father all over gain without the rage. His first wife ripped his heart out when he found her in bed with his best friend. He became very jaded “screw em and leave em” became his motto. He would never again let another woman close to him. At the first sign of a woman not being 100% reliable he cruelly dumped her without an explanation. He dumped one really hot cheerleader for being 15 minutes late for a date. He dumped a woman that he really cared for over a little white lie that she told her boss. There were not shades of gray with Dante when it came to being dependable.

Meredith worked with Dante and she had secretly been in love with him for years. She wasn’t a knockout like all the women that Dante dated but Dante found her intriguing. There was something different about her. She had a depth and a caring that he had never seen before. When she asked him to dinner he gladly accepted. The relationship was going swimmingly for the first three months, but Dante’s antenna was out this was too good to be true.

Meredith grew up poor. No, I mean really impoverished. Many times there was no food in the small town Kentucky shack. She went to Northwestern on a soccer scholarship and now for the first time in her life she had enough money to not have to worry about money. She did have a little issue though, as people are prone to have. She was a shopaholic. I don’t mean that she bought shoes or clothes. She actually horded supplies like toothpaste, food, and printer cartridges, etc. Her basement was filled with supplies. After an unexpected surgery her medical bills were killing her. The extra $200.00 to $300.00 a week that she spent on her hording habit was now going on her credit card. She didn’t tell anyone about her problem. She was ashamed.

One day as Meredith was getting ready for a date Dante just happened to look down at a credit card bill that was laying on Meredith’s kitchen table. The balance on that card was over $8,000.00. He found another with a $12,000.00 balance and another with a $10,000.00 balance. He had been in the basement and seen all the stuff stored there. Ok, here is the punch line: the woman was a shopping FREAK who would surely run him into bankruptcy if he married her. When Meredith came out of the bedroom she found that Dante had disappeared. Meredith was in tears when Dante didn’t return her calls for weeks. What had she done? She didn’t have a clue.

Then Meredith showed up at Dante’s apartment and she demanded an explanation for his abandonment. Dante simply wrote the figure $30,000.00 on a napkin that he handed her. Meredith was instantly mortified. Someone actually knew her horrible secret and now it was going to cost her the love of her life.

She tried to explain about the surgery because that actually accounted for half of her debt. She told him what it was like growing up with no food, no wood for the stove, no toothpaste, no toilet paper, etc. He was harsh and judgmental. Her wounds didn’t really concern him. As far as he was concerned they were excuses.

The thing about Meredith though was that she truly loved Dante more then he had ever been loved his whole life. She was not going to be dismissed so easily. She enrolled in a credit counseling program, she cut her expenses and she took on a part time job. She asked Dante if he would consider dating her again if she would completely pay off her debt and clean up her credit. It took Meredith a year to achieve those goals. They burned her final statements over an open fire a year to the date that Dante had walked out.

After making love with each other for the first time in a year Meredith had something that she needed to say to Dante. She touched his face tenderly as she spoke with firmness and a sweetness that Dante had never heard from her. She rubbed his stomach as she addressed little Dante, “I’m so sorry that your parents let you down, baby. You deserved loving and reliable parents. You were a special boy and you needed a safe, consistent environment to trust in. But sweetie, your wounds are now getting in your way. We all have warts sweet boy. Nobody is perfect, not even you baby. While you know about my former financial imperfections I need to share a few more of my flaws. I was kicked out of college for smoking grass. I had an abortion when I was 21. And the awful truth is that I currently have 7 unpaid parking tickets from counties all over the Mid West. I have forgotten dinner dates with dear friends on more then one occasion. I have messed up my fair share. Ok, take a deep breath and rub your trust stone baby. Let me love you even though I am flawed. Let me love you even though I am unreliable at times.”

Dane was about to have an anxiety attack. He had enough dirt on Meredith to dismiss the entire Colts cheerleading squad. Meredith looked Dante right in the eyes and said, “I love you with all of my heart. Don’t you know, it isn’t being perfect or not ever messing up that makes a relationship safe, it is all in the forgiving and in the sincere efforts for growth that result in safety and in the rebuilding of trust.” Just then Dante broke down and cried from deep in his soul. The cold hard walls that kept him from being hurt melted under the intensity of Meredith’s kindness, acceptance and wisdom. She said “being flawed and messy and ugly at times doesn’t have to ruin a relationship: the grace to truly see and still love, nurture and forgive a broken and wounded partner is part of the really good stuff in a relationship. It pushes you; it makes you work on your own most vulnerable wounds. It reminds you that only he who is without sin should cast the first stone.”

For the first time in Dante’s life he truly saw and understood a woman. And he experienced a depth of forgiveness and grace that he had never imagined before. He felt freeing to take the high road for a change. He felt like Mr. Scrooge on Christmas morning after he was haunted by his Christmas ghosts. He almost wanted to dance. Dante held Meredith close and he whispered “thank you very much, thank you very much, thank you very much, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me”. Dante learned to love Meredith warts and all. He learned to loved her completely. In the process he also worked up enough grace and forgiveness that he was able to also forgive and come to terms with his parents. Dante’s issues with unreliability had actually owned him. They ran his life. Meredith the gracious changed all of that. Thank God someone loved him with a deep and crazy love that would not take no for an answer. She loved him in spite of all of his imperfections or perhaps even because of them. She willed herself into his hardened heart with a flinty determination that puzzled her friends. But then again, Dante was worth it. Dante now celebrates warts, unevenness and even the occasional major messing up with wit, joy and gentleness. His eyes are eyes of grace, understanding and forgiveness now. He is at peace. And, he is very much in love, forever.

marital unhappiness

A Lack Of Marital Happiness

I had a very broken up fellow come to my office this week. He had been in tears for days about the eminent demise of his marriage. In describing his marriage to me he said that he and his wife had for years had “a lack of happiness” between them. There was something that jumped out at me about that phrase. He just seemed so raw, so disappointed, so shocked, so beaten and so very disillusioned about how things had turned out given the wonderfully romantic and ideal way that things began. The reality of his situation was crushing him. It made me think about all the couples that I have seen since 1987 and just how many flavors of marital and relational unhappiness there are. Unfortunately the list seems absolutely unlimited.

Be honest with yourself. In what ways do you and your spouse have a lack of happiness between you? If you have been married for more than 20 minutes you know that a goodly bit of unhappiness goes with the deal. Do the good parts of the relationship outweigh the bad parts? If you have read my stuff much you understand that my view is that the whole unstated purpose of marriage is actually to make you so utterly miserable that you are forced into doing some very deep work on yourself that goes all the back to your childhood wounds. Is that not what happens in almost every marriage you are aware of?

Wives, is your husband critical, controlling, know it all, oblivious, self-centered, alcoholic, workaholic, irresponsible, reactive, jealous or intrusive? Does he rage, cheat, lie, drop the ball, get defensive, not hear you, not have your back, lose jobs, spend too much, look at internet porn, whine when he doesn’t get sex and/or generally behave like an ass in many of his dealings with you? Those are all common complaints that I hear from the women that I work with.

Husbands, is your wife emasculating, difficult to please, depressed, reactive, critical, controlling, withholding, too passive, insecure, too needy, messy, too focused on helping others, shopaholic, jealous and sort of crazy at times? Does she rage, cheat, lie, drop the ball, get defensive, not hear you, betray you, never initiate sex, vent to friends and family about you and/or generally act like a bitch in many of her dealing with you? These are common complaints that I hear from men.

Unfortunately, we all marry our unresolved issues. You are hard wired to ONLY be attracted to people who are very much like the people who hurt you the most as a child. Have you figured that out yet? It is nature’s way of teaching, healing, breaking and humbling you. Think about it. How ever you were hurt as a child, in your marriage you have found a way to re-enact it. You arranged that for yourself. It is all good and it is all fair. Pay attention. Listen.

So, do not be surprised or feel ill treated when your marriage blows up in your face because if it hasn’t already it will some day. It is only a matter of time. The misery of your marriage is not about your spouse. It is about you. It is about your childhood wounds. Go back to the list of your marital complaints. If the truth be told, how many of your spouse’s traits were also fully displayed with at least one of your parents when you were little?

Did you know that you are broken? Your marriage is just nature’s tool used to inform you of your broken and dysfunctional condition and make you feel the depth of it. The pain of your marriage is your very best friend. Your challenging spouse is actually your very best friend in life, even if they see you as their mortal enemy. Your marriage is a puzzle that needs to be understood and pieced together with insight, openness, self-awareness and teachablity. If you miss the point about who your spouse is you could make an enemy for life and miss out on your best opportunity to know the truth about yourself as well as your best opportunity to repair as much of you as you possibly can, at this late date.

I am not sure if Mr. lack of marital happiness got to me in time to salvage and rebuild his marriage. I do know that he will be confronted very soon with more accurate raw data about his issues then he ever has in his life time. His Mrs. and his family background will supply me with the message the universe has been unsuccessfully trying to educate him with his whole life. My job is to get him to choke it down. I can employ a small but extremely sharp scalpel during the psychological surgery session or I can use a jack hammer, I don’t care which, whatever it takes. Embrace your marital unhappiness. It is a gift. It is a message. It is here to make you better, deeper, healthier and happier. Dig in. Don’t run. Don’t quit. Don’t scapegoat your partner as if they are your problem. Your potential for happiness is inside you where it has always been. Use your marital unhappiness as a spring board to help ground you, motivate you, heal you, teach you and ultimately make you into the very best you that you can possibly ever be.

codependent wife

A Fraudulent Wife

Last week we got to know preppy, perfect, polished, possession primed Tyler who lives a fraudulent life because his whole life is an act to cover up a wounded childhood, his deep insecurities and his lack of emotional depth. This week we are going to focus on his wife, we’ll call her Heather. By the time I start working with the Heather’s of the world they are far from still believing in the myth of Tyler’s perfection and greatness. They know that the marriage is bankrupted and broken and they are extremely saddened about that.

In college Heather didn’t ever really figure out who she was or what she wanted to do when she grew up. She lacked direction and much more seriously, she lacked a sense of self. Since she was with Tyler, none of that seemed to matter because he knew exactly where he was going and he was going there at 100 miles per hour with his hair on fire. He had already been accepted to medical school so Heather’s role was to subjugate her plans and her self to support his goals. This wasn’t much of a problem as she didn’t really have any definitive plans for herself yet. Heather was an especially beautiful young woman and doors were open to her mainly due to that fact. Since she could get by on her looks she didn’t have to develop vision or inner strength or intense drive. After medical school the babies came so the next 20 years were focused on meeting the needs of her little ones while Tyler was busy conquering the world and collecting toys.

Heather hasn’t been happy for many years. She is lonely and she is lost. She doesn’t feel loved. Her sadness has settled into a near debilitating depression. Something is seriously wrong. The kids don’t need her nearly as much as they used to so there is room for something else in her life, but what she doesn’t know. Her husband is extremely critical of her. His #1 complaint – too little and too boring sex. He has been dumping this shaming actuation at her for years. She actually went to see three different doctors to find out what was wrong with her sexually. There isn’t a thing wrong with her sexually – she has shut down because she doesn’t feel loved. Since he thinks that he is perfect in every way it seemed to make sense that if there was a problem it had to be one on her end. Complaint #2 – the house doesn’t look as well kept as it used to before the kids came along. He needs peace and quiet and order when he gets home from a busy day. He completely freaks out if there are toys out or if dinner isn’t ready. He sneers when he reads estimates on how much money a wife would be worth if you paid her for all of her many tasks.

He doesn’t think that she works very hard at all – nothing like how he works. He controls the money, he makes all the major decisions and he even tries very hard to control her body. In fits of rage after being rebuffed he coldly says “if I don’t get it from you I’ll just get it somewhere else”. In most such marriages he does so. Complaint #3 – she isn’t as social or as fun as she used to be. As a doctor’s wife, a lawyer’s wife or an entrepreneur’s wife there are social obligations and an image to keep up. The problem is that she is so depressed and desperately unhappy that she doesn’t have the energy to pretend to be happy with the perfect looking people that her husband covets socially.

He isn’t truly interested in her. He wants her to play her assigned role as well as he is playing his. She is supposed to look good. He lets her know that there are plenty of younger and prettier potential trophy wives out there who would love to have him.

Resentments, who do they really effect?



The Unconscious Deal



Take Jamie. She loves her boyfriend, John. He’s a great guy and loves going to basketball games. Jamie goes with him and has a great attitude at the games. Jamie talks to John’s friends, knocks back beers and never says a word about how she’d love to have a romantic dinner date somewhere instead of always doing what John likes. Jamie keeps their apartment tidy, endlessly picking up his dirty underwear, and cooking dinner almost every night. Jamie thinks that this has earned her a gold star in the girlfriend department. Somewhere in her brain, she thinks this secures her role as best girlfriend forever. She thinks that the more she capitulates to John’s needs, the more he will appreciate her and feel obligated to stay with her. Then John decides to move on with another girl by summer’s end.

When this happens, Jamie goes berserk! Beside herself with anger, she can’t sleep. She easily bursts to tears. She’s obsessed with the unfairness of this! She thought that if she was so great to her boyfriend, he would appreciate her and stay committed to her. This is how Jamie set herself up.

Whenever you bend over backward for someone — while putting your own needs, wants and desires aside — you will eventually become resentful. 

John knew nothing about this “deal.” In fact, he would have appreciated knowing what she wanted and what she was feeling. Maybe he would have enjoyed a quiet night out.

Does this sound familiar?  “My husband had the nerve to not plan an anniversary date after all the trouble I went to for his freakin’ birthday party last year?!” This is an unconscious deal that you have set up and your spouse knew nothing of it.

Or, “I have been clipping my neighbor’s hedges for years now, and he can’t even take in my papers when I am out of town?!” Another example of how we unconsciously make “deals” with others in relationships. Did you ask your neighbor if they were willing to sign up for bringing in your mail for exchange for trimming the bushes?

There are lots of unconscious deals here that both parties haven’t agreed to. Ask yourself:

  • Is there something you are doing for someone else that you are starting to feel resentful about?
  • What could you be expecting from them in return?

Being upfront with someone about your limits before you get annoyed is respectful for both parties.

Codependency & Counterdependecy


Mark Smith, LCSW





