Not Quite Drowning?

Is there a single word for “not quite drowning”?

That moment when a person in the water is struggling with all their might. Gasping for air. Popping above the water just long enough to gulp a quick breath. It’s not quite enough to refresh or revive but it’s just enough to prolong the inevitable. Your adrenaline kicks in and even though you’re exhausted, you still thrash around wasting precious energy, air, resources……

That’s a bit how I feel.

Brutal, eh?

I’d say it’s been quite a week. But on further reflection, it’s been quite a month, and a hell of a year and quite honestly, it’s been a decade of chaos and loss and trauma.

There’s something about the idea of surrender. Something still and quiet and peaceful. In some ways, it feels like failure or giving up. And I guess it truly is “giving up”. Giving up on the assumption that I can “do” all of this. Giving up the arrogance that says I’m super human and can do the impossible. Giving up on the idea that I’m in control.

Often we think that “drowning + surrender = death” but maybe we are focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe “drowning + surrender = truly living”.

Maybe it’s the weight that we need to surrender.

Maybe it’s the chaos that we need to surrender.

Maybe it’s the control that we need to surrender.

And maybe…in the surrender, we will be able to truly live, unencumbered by weight that drags us down, tires us out and distracts us from what we really want to do.

It’s probably a good thing that I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, eh?


If I’m being honest with you, I could care less what he learns as far as academics or what his grades are.

With equal parts liberation and hesitation, earlier this week I shared this statement with my child’s teacher, case manager and support staff.

I don’t mean that I don’t want my child to have an education. I don’t mean that I don’t want him to learn.

But….at this time, I care more if he feels safe at school. I care more if he has a desire to learn. I care more that he learn to confidently advocate for himself. I care more that he learn to communicate respectfully. I care more that he learns self awareness and self regulation skills. I care more that he learns to confidently interact with those in authority, and with peers. I care more that he finds his voice. I care more that he believes in himself. I care more that he has empathy for all. I care more that he eats. I care more that his digestive system is functioning smoothly. I care more that he gets enough sleep. I care more that he gets enough exercise.

It’s not that I don’t care about his education. I just have SO MUCH MORE that I care about. There is so much that a typical child would learn by osmosis, by watching and listening and absorbing; those seemingly simple things….they have to be taught to my child. Over and over and over……and so while I may say that I don’t care about academics……what I truly mean is that it’s just not as high on my priority list as all these other things.

I wonder what life would look like if my biggest worries were what grades my kids were getting; or if “grades” were even on my radar.

But that’s not my life and so I don’t dwell on that. Partially because I just don’t have the time or energy to; but also because it doesn’t serve me to hold that ENVY.

It all comes down to priorities. I only have so much energy and I just can’t hold “it all”. So I pick and choose what is most important to me.

Teaching my kids to be loving, respectful, compassionate, hard working and contributing members of society who have mercy and grace for themselves and others…..that’s my goal.

I try to remind myself of that every time I feel caught up in “what we’re NOT doing” or in the fact that we aren’t “typical“.

It all come down to priorities.


I’d love to hear what your priorities are or what you want them to be or wish they could be. Do you follow societal norms because you want to or because you feel you have to? Would you do something differently, if you felt you had the freedom or power to do what you wanted to?

With my Humanity Faltering….

We took a Mental Health Day, today!







But for all of my opinions, I’m still human.












I remind myself that it’s okay to not be okay.



I remind myself that this season will not last forever.


It’s okay!

Wins and Shows….Hit me up, Please!

Jon left this morning for a week in Mississippi and New Orleans. A! WEEK!

I have a few too many things to juggle this weekend and I’m trying desperately to make a list but I’m dealing with some serious brain fog and it has me feeling like I’m swimming in Jello.

On top of that, I’ve recently added running into my “walking” routine and today my knee hurts. Epic!

So to sum it up – many thoughts in brain, brain foggy, knee hurts, kids are lunatics because routines off and I just want to go to bed!

Awesome, hey?

At some point, I’ll actually get it all sorted out.

In the win column for today, I cleaned the kitchen.

I have very low standards people!

I’d love to hear what your “wins” for today are! Drop me a comment.

ps. Show suggestions to watch so I don’t watch “our shows” while Jon’s gone. We have amazon prime video, and Netflix. What are your favs?

Parenting PTSD, the Educational Version





What if they are upset with my child?
What if they are upset with me?
What if they judge me?
What if they are tired of trying?













show love,
show compassion,
show mercy,
show grace,
show acceptance.

Invest in relationship.
Foster communication.
Build trust.
Be Respectful.
Be a life line.

And the benefits will be innumerable.


Be a part of the solution, not the problem.

A Small Dose of Saturday Morning Trauma

I got a call about 10 o’clock this morning. I could hear Siah screaming in the background. Jon hollered at me over the screaming, “I need you to come and get Siah.”

Not even finished my first cup of coffee and hair and make up not done…..I raced out of the house and down the street to our dentists office.

I walked in the door and they ushered me to a back room where I found this.

Good Saturday morning to you too!

Nothing like a spectacular dose of trauma to start the weekend.

It’s dental work. My boys needed fillings. How simple is that? Go in, get it done….BAM!

Not that simple.

I sat in the recovery room with Siah and listened to Judah screaming through 2 closed doors.

It’s hard to think straight when your world feels torn to shreds by trauma. When anxiety overwhelms to the point that nothing makes any sense. When trauma tells you that you are in terrifying danger. When you brain lies to you and it doesn’t matter because you can’t think beyond this exact moment of terror.

Siah was curled in a ball, yelling and screaming at me for letting them hold him down. He was so upset that I couldn’t even touch him or comfort him.

In the end, it’s more traumatizing for us because now that they have settled and the meds have worn off, they don’t even really remember what happened. Yay for the meds actually working.

I say that as sarcastically as I can because I was called there…..without the benefit of mind numbing meds, to witness and experience it all. To be hit and kicked, in fear. To be rejected and not allowed to give comfort.

As soon as he settled some, I traded off with Jon to go and see Judah, who was terrified, mostly because he heard Siah panicking. And being unable to see what was actually happening….he assumes the worse.

Siah actually finished his dental work. Judah wouldn’t let them near him…..even cracked out on meds.

We made it home eventually.

We’ll have to cough up the insane costs to have Judah sedated to actually get the work done.

Anxiety sucks.

Watching someone you love suffer from anxiety is brutal.

Experiencing anxiety is brutal.

Can I encourage you to have compassion for those you know who deal with mental health issues?

I’m gonna get up tomorrow, put make up on and go and sing my heart out. You’d never know what I experienced today by just looking at me…..and I’m not looking for pity.

Compassion and understanding though…..definitely. Especially when my boys are acting out and I have nothing left to give but I dig deep and create energy out of nothing.

But my sharing is not just about me. Be kind and compassionate to those parents and kids you know who struggle…….you have no idea what they really are going through and I guarantee you they won’t share the reality.

It would be too much to handle.

It is too much to handle.

Just a glimpse….

I’m sitting in my living room, looking wistfully out the window, knowing that I’ve already spent my fair share of time outdoors, today.

I don’t want a sunburn and while I slather up when necessary…..I’ve never really liked the feeling of lotion on my body.  So I opt for some indoor time….at least until I need to pick up the boys from school and then I’ll greet the sun with smiles and a spritz of sunscreen.  Until then, I close my eyes and reminisce of the golden warmth soaking into my soul, revitalizing me.

When I open my eyes, I see evidence that Judah’s been here. 

The dregs of his Honey Nut Cheerios and Almond Milk make me smile.  This boy of mine is such a gift.  He is an incredible living paradox.  Verging on the edge of violence in his stance against injustice…….and yet indiscriminate in his compassion.  Have I told you about the time we took the boys to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and he cried when Ego was destroyed.  He clasped my hands to his heart and whispered through his tears,  “But WHY? Everyone deserves another chance?”

I don’t ever want him to lose that heart for others.  I will fiercely protect and nurture that empathy, tenderness, and humanity with all my being. He is such a gift to me, to us… the world.

I look over to my right and see glorious creativity within the chaos of these walls.  That stack of mail will become “creations” before it hits the recycling bin. I savour the moments when I can sit, drink my coffee and knit a few rows on a dishcloth.  I like small projects because I can finish them in between all the glorious distraction.  More often than not, that coffee grows cold and my knitting is interrupted but it’s ok because these moments don’t last.  

The screams to break up a fight or get a snack for someone……they are becoming fewer.  The yelling because there is no toilet paper on the roll and no one thought to look in the cupboard…….or because someone ate someone else’s ice cream.  It’s still there but I’m less needed than I used to be.  Which is good cause there’s still a whole lot of needy people in the family and I’ll take whatever reprieve I can get.  

Moose – aptly renamed – as he’s not the smartest cat in the world……but he’s exactly what we needed.  He gives his love freely and unabashedly.   He allows for over excitable autistic hugs and purrs louder than I’ve ever heard from a cat.  It’s like audible Valium to soothe our souls from whatever anguish and trauma we may be experiencing.

I need to pick the kids up.  To leave this cocoon of quiet chaos.  I don’t want to.  

Don’t Pick Up The Rope

Imagine that you are a child, standing on the edge of a cliff. You look up and on the other side of a deep gorge is another cliff. You look over to the side and there is a rickety looking string bridge. You aren’t certain of its ability to carry you safely across to the other side, and so you refuse to move. All your friends are on the other side and it looks like they might be having a lot of fun. But you refuse! You aren’t really sure how everyone got over there, but that bridge looks unsafe and safety wins out over fun, every time. You decide that you are not going ANYWHERE.

People suggest that you come over to the other side. You want to but……….refuse!
They tell you that you have to come over. You really aren’t sure if it’s safe…….so you continue to refuse.
They start to insist that you come over. That isn’t helping, you feel pressured and uncomfortable…
Voices get louder, more commanding and more demanding. You continue to dig your heels in and refuse to comply.

The harder they pull, the harder you pull…..just trying to remain safe.


All of the sudden you realize that people are pulling and forcing you towards the bridge.

You resist.
You yell.
You’re scared.
You scream.
You panic.
You start to thrash and flail.

You do anything to protect yourself from the uncertainty of what’s before you. In a blind panic, and completely incapable of rational and reasonable thought, you bolt. You run. Or conversely, you curl into a ball and cram yourself into the smallest corner available, so that no one will be able to force you into, what you are sure is, an unsafe situation.

How many times have we asked a child to do something and then been frustrated when the situation devolves into anger, defiance, rage or physicality? You don’t really understand because what you’re requesting is not something weird or terrifying. It seems a pretty simple request and yet……..the child is labelled oppositional, non compliant or defiant.

I hate those three words. Very rarely are those accurate adjectives to apply to a child.

I believe that we need to approach children from the viewpoint that they WANT to please and they WANT to succeed. If behaviours arise that appear contrary to them pleasing and succeeding, WE NEED TO PAUSE.

We, as the adults, need to question “What is at the root of the negative behaviours?”

Why this this child feeling anxious?
Why is this child feeling insecure?
Why is this child feeling less than capable?
What is feeling overwhelming to them?
What is feeling uncertain?
What is unclear?
What information are they missing or unsure of?
How can I help?

Going back to our picture at the top of the post…. Here is a different view of that situation.

You are, a child, standing alone on one side of the cliff. You are aware that you are missing out on what seems like fun on the other side. You feel alone, anxious and unsure. You are desperate to feel accepted and safe; and while you wish you could go over, safety wins over fun, every time. You realize that someone is calling your name. They crouch down beside you and ask if you’d like to join the rest of the class on the other side. You aren’t sure how to answer because you are scared. They start to explain what the rest of the kids are doing and it sounds SO fun. It’s too bad that the bridge is the only way over. They explain how the bridge was made and how many pounds it can carry; and that makes you feel a bit better but you’re still not sure you can believe them. They call another kid over, who crosses that scary bridge, and together they show you how two people can cross the bridge. You are still unsure. They tell you that it’s okay and that they will stay with you on this side. That makes you feel a bit better. They share a time when they felt scared and uncertain. You want to join your classmates but you really aren’t sure. You realize that the person isn’t going to force you but will stay with you and that makes you feel a little bit safer and a little bit stronger. You eventually agree to try to cross the bridge even though you still feel scared. It might take you longer, but with acceptance and relationship you can accomplish amazing things.
Instead of calling for the child to take action and then labeling them as non-compliant, what if we made the effort to understand and accept?

What if we stopped pulling on the children, which is only increasing their anxiety?
What if we didn’t “pick up the rope” in the first place?
What if we joined them, and validated their feelings and emotions without having to fix or change them?
What if we made sure they knew and understood the facts and information? 
What if we found out what they were fearful of?
What if we explained how the bridge was made and why it is, in fact, safe to cross?
What if we explained exactly what was happening on the other side?
What if we told the child that we would cross with them?
What if we gave them the power to make the decision and until they did, we sat with them and gave them the opportunity to feel safe and accepted?
What if we built relationship instead of building conflict, opposition and disconnection?
What if we allowed the time and space for a child to feel safe?

I believe that this scenario plays out, at some point, with all children but that it’s especially true for children with anxiety, special/high needs and neuro-diversities.

It’s important to recognize that the majority of opposition and non-compliance stems from anxiety and insecurity.; and that we have the ability to make a difference in the way we view and approach children. We need to look beyond the bravado and indignancies of anxiety and insecurities; and see the cries for help.

We need to build trust and relationship instead of building conflict and disconnection. We need to join with them, where they are at; and when we have built a solid relationship founded on trust, we will go so much further than we, or they, could dream or imagine.

Don’t pick up the rope!

A Letter to my Children

photo from 2015 (we definitely need an update)

To my Children,

I love you with all my heart and I only want the very best for you.  This world we live in, now,  is a funny place.  There was positive Peer pressure when I was growing up that I don’t see happening, now. Not that there aren’t good people out there, but it seems like some of the “common sense” life lessons don’t hold the same weight now as they did then.  Those “life lessons” are just as important now, in fact, they may be even more important but they aren’t as prevalent.  I realize that talking like this only widens and exaggerates the age gap between us but I feel that there is a limited time for me to influence and instill  these values within you.  I know that I tell you these things, ALL THE TIME (insert massive eye roll here) but I think these are too important for me to remain quiet.
1.    Work Hard

I don’t care what anyone around you is doing or how hard they are working. Your employer is paying YOU for your time. Give them your best.  Lead by example.  Set the bar high.  You will get noticed and your efforts will never be in vain.  Your best may look differently than that of others around you.  I’m not holding you to someone else’s standards……YOU do YOUR best.  And always be aware of what around you is needing to be done.  Pick up the slack. And if you don’t know…..ASK!  Communication will be your best tool, in ALL ASPECTS of life.

2.    Be Respectful

Let the virtue of Respect emanate from  every cell of your being.  Be respectful in your actions, with your words, to your employers and fellow employees, to customers… humanity, in general.  But also be respectful of yourself.  If you respect yourself, others will respect you.

3.    Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is critical.  Work hard and then let it go, when you are done for the day.  It’s not your job to carry the weight of the world.  You are not responsible to do more than you can.  If you work hard, and work smart; be proud of what you’ve accomplished and don’t carry the weight of what you couldn’t do. Take care of yourself, because YOU are responsible for your well being. Setting boundaries is something that needs to be learned and exercised in ALL areas of life.

Get good at setting and enforcing YOUR boundaries.

It’s critical to know what things that you are responsible for and what things you are not responsible for. Take care of the things you are responsible for and learn to be okay with letting the things you are not responsible for, go.  As your Nana says, “Not my pig. Not my Farm.”

4.    Be okay with saying  NO.

It’s okay to say no.  If you work hard, and are respectful…..then setting and honouring your boundaries is ok.  You do not have to accept every shift or help out everytime you are asked.  Do what you can/want/need to do, but also know that too much is not a good thing. Being available is one thing but being “used” is completely different.  Practise saying “No.”  I know that sounds silly, but it’s an important skill to learn.  Unfortunately, too many people haven’t learned to say it, and then end  up burned out and resentful towards others, when it’s their own lack of ability to set and enforce personal boundaries.

5.    Know your Value, Your Worth and Your Principals

Yes, I know you are still figuring your self  out BUT……You do have value.  You do have worth.  and You do have principals.  Knowing who you are and what you stand for will make a huge difference between allowing yourself to get pushed around and being a leader.

  • Know what you want or don’t want
  • Know what you are okay with or not okay with
  • Know whats important  to you and what’s not important to you

These things require actual thought.  If you do not make a decision, you have still made a choice.  Every choice has a consequence.  Its that whole Newton’s Third Law thing……

6.    Weigh Your Choices and Be able to Live with the Consequences

When faced with a decision, look at all sides and determine the likely consequences.  Think through what you are willing to deal with and move forward confidently.  Choices have consequences, some positive and some negative.  You may need to make a decision and have to choose which negative consequence you are willing to live with.  But allowing things to happen and saying its “out of your control” isn’t respectful to yourself or others.  Own your choices and the resulting consequences.  Be Purposeful in your actions and words.

7.    Choose Your Feelings and Emotions Wisely.

You are responsible for YOUR feelings and emotions.  Choose wisely.  To say that someone else “makes you so mad or angry” is giving them the control over your emotions.  Take responsibility for your own feelings and emotions. Don’t allow the “emotional weather” of a place, person or situation dictate your emotional response.   Only you have the power and ability to dictate what you feel and how you choose to respond in any given situation.  Choose to make the best out of every situation and allow others their right to their own feelings and emotions.  Other peoples negativity should not define your life.

8.      Balance

Finding balance is so important.  Family, Friends, School, Self and Work  (Listed in Alphabetical order not in Position of Importance)  are all important.  You must work to find the balance.  It requires effort to do so.  Again, not making the effort to “find balance” is still making a choice……and probably one with negative consequences for yourself and those around you.

9.    Community

Finding your Tribe, Village, Community, or whatever you want to call it, is also important.  These days, we seem to be so caught up in the busy-ness of life.  But it is critical to have people that you can give into and draw from.  We all go through ups and downs, but having the opportunity to give and receive love, support, advice and even challenges, helps us as we navigate this crazy journey.

10.    Rest

I’m mentioning Rest, because it’s something I believe that we need to be intentional about.  Whether its a long bath, a walk along a river, journaling, art, etc……..I believe that it’s critical to disconnect from the busy-ness of the world, to do something that “feeds” your soul; and recharges us, wholly (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually).  Your cell phone wont work without being charged and you won’t either.  It may be possible to limp along for a bit but in the long run (and life is a long run) you have to recharge, you might as well be intentional about it.

My Darlings,

You have been given an incredible gift.  Life is a gift. You have the opportunity to make it incredible or to squander it.  Be Purposeful! Be Present! Don’t stand by, passively, and allow life to carry you along.   Be intentional!  You have an incredible opportunity to create a life that you love and can be proud of, regardless of the ups and downs that life brings your way.  

I promise that I will continue to remind you of these things but know that I see you. I see  the incredible people that you are, and that you are becoming; and I am so very VERY proud of you. You are amazing.  You are incredible .  I am confident that you will grow and impact our world positively, just because of who you are.  Keep on Keeping on, My Loves!