Mock The Movie: Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman transcript

Written with misandrists in mind, with a Baldwin brother playing the greasy manbaby primary antagonist and a Boss Hogg wannabe playing the secondary antagonist, this 1993 made-for-TV movie with Daryl Hannah was a vehicle for more self-aware yet still vague references to feminism than one could shake a stick at. And it gets very little of it particularly right, save for actually passing the Bechdel test and having the full spectrum of protagonist through antagonist in female characters.

Doesn’t help, though, that there was not a shred of remotely plausible science in it. Nor that the one likeable character — who actually ends up on top at the end, and not even stuck in an alien space ship like the protagonist — was written poorly enough that any goodwill won in the initial scenes were quickly squandered at the hands of her being enamoured with the aforementioned greasy manbaby. And the other character with a shot at being even remotely likeable, the deputy, was written as a credulous hayseed.

Ah well. It was a fun (in its way) romp regardless. Still mockable, but could be enjoyed as-is, as a camp classic.

@szvan: Mock the Movie: Misandry Edition: @MockTM
2015-07-08 17:43:45
@lousycanuck: You know you want to see a giant woman crushing mankind, right? @MockTM 49 mins!
2015-07-09 00:11:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM I have to ruin this movie for you, with science.
2015-07-09 00:54:16
@pzmyers: @MockTM 50ft woman is ~8 times larger than normal person in linear dimension.
2015-07-09 00:56:11
@pzmyers: @MockTM the good news: strength increases with cross sectional area of muscles, so she’ll be 8^^2 times stronger.
2015-07-09 00:57:05
@pzmyers: @MockTM which means if she could normal leg press 300lbs, she’d now be able to lift over 9 tons. Yay! Power!
2015-07-09 00:58:01
@pzmyers: @MockTM now the bad news: volume & mass increase as the cube of the linear dimensions. So she’ll weigh 512+ times more than normal.
2015-07-09 00:59:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM which means 50ft woman weighs about 50 tons.
2015-07-09 00:59:59
@CA7746: @MockTM That first credit was a tad misaligned.
2015-07-09 01:00:37
@pzmyers: @MockTM while able to lift 9 tons with her legs. This shd be a boring movie about a woman who falls, breaks all her bones, & can’t get up.
2015-07-09 01:00:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM This is to movie-studio logos like “the leading brand” is to detergent commercials
2015-07-09 01:00:51
@lousycanuck: @MockTM 20th Century Fox presents HBO
2015-07-09 01:00:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Needs more theremin!
2015-07-09 01:01:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM NASA: “Oh, that’s just the Catalyst Comet. Comes by every 200 years or so to shake things up.”
2015-07-09 01:01:55
@szvan: @MockTM Yes, this is a movie about the peace of space.
2015-07-09 01:01:55
@pzmyers: @MockTM this must have been the star vehicle that launched daniel baldwin’s career.
2015-07-09 01:02:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM Due to a clerical error, instead of invading Earth, the aliens attacked the Blue Marble photograph
2015-07-09 01:02:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM “And on your left, you will see…not a lot, actually?”
2015-07-09 01:03:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Based on the motion picture based on the screenplay based on the fevered dream of a 14-year-old boy.
2015-07-09 01:03:14
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, Christopher Guest.
2015-07-09 01:03:17
@blakestacey: @MockTM Roll up for the Magical Mystery Tour, step right this way!
2015-07-09 01:03:21
@lousycanuck: @blakestacey @MockTM For the benefit of Mr Kite, there will be a show tonight with comet falls!
2015-07-09 01:03:56
@szvan: @MockTM In a world in which women all wear dresses for rural group tours.
2015-07-09 01:04:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “No matter how excited you get during this so-called Motion Picture, stay seated at all times or your skin will peel off!”
2015-07-09 01:04:38
@szvan: @MockTM Well, the movie did get flash photography right.
2015-07-09 01:04:49
@blakestacey: @MockTM “In this modern supersonic age of 1962…”
2015-07-09 01:04:59
@CA7746: @MockTM We have become smug… holding a pipe and referring to ourselves in the 3rd person.
2015-07-09 01:05:03
@pzmyers: @MockTM He spun the globe the WRONG WAY. Science fail!
2015-07-09 01:05:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “We have become smug in our dominion over nature itself. See this globe? I can spin it! I’m responsible for Earth’s rotation!”
2015-07-09 01:05:41
@blakestacey: @MockTM Everything you are about to see is absolutely true-ish!
2015-07-09 01:06:01
@lousycanuck: @MockTM It would be cool if there’s like a third framing story within this story.
2015-07-09 01:06:20
@blakestacey: @MockTM All that was about to change when I discovered the power of green screen!
2015-07-09 01:06:24
@szvan: @MockTM Fire that secretary.
2015-07-09 01:06:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Can I speak with my husband?” “I’m afraid he has an affair scheduled today.”
2015-07-09 01:06:59
@szvan: @MockTM An administrative assistant’s first duty should be to the company, not to the plot.
2015-07-09 01:07:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t know where he is, Mrs. Archer. All he said was his genitals had a meeting.”
2015-07-09 01:07:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I don’t know what’s more deserving of a forced compliment, you, or that thing I made years ago that you’re wearing.”
2015-07-09 01:08:24
@blakestacey: @MockTM Her therapist has a PhD?
2015-07-09 01:09:06
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Never screw your boss’ daughter. Never screw around on your boss’ daughter. Proximately, always screw your boss.
2015-07-09 01:09:20
@CA7746: @MockTM “What do you do when you get angry?” “Oh, the usual: tear off my clothes, inflate, turn green.”
2015-07-09 01:09:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What do you do when you get angry?” “Oh, you wouldn’t like that.”
2015-07-09 01:09:56
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That moment when you erase a perfectly good tweet because two others made the same Hulk joke.
2015-07-09 01:10:32
@szvan: @MockTM I admit that Daryl Hannah is a good choice for an actress to play someone suppressing every shred of emotion.
2015-07-09 01:10:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Nancy, what do you do when you get angry?” “Nancy, what do you do when you get angry?” “Lisa needs braces!”
2015-07-09 01:11:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “What do you do when you get angry?” Well… that answers that. Not much.
2015-07-09 01:11:55
@pzmyers: @MockTM if you want to know what she does when she’s angry, watch Bladerunner: she turns homicidal. Easy.
2015-07-09 01:12:30
@szvan: @MockTM Can we make her the star of the movie?
2015-07-09 01:13:11
@lousycanuck: @szvan @MockTM That would be a marked improvement.
2015-07-09 01:13:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM Fourteen minutes and no one is giant yet.
2015-07-09 01:14:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “You know what her real problem is?” “Aside from growing to 50 feet tall, and being saddled with a wheedling manchild husband?”
2015-07-09 01:14:52
@pzmyers: @MockTM but so far, all the men are colossal jerks.
2015-07-09 01:15:04
@lousycanuck: @MockTM You gets cheese on this dog or else you gets the hose again
2015-07-09 01:15:20
@szvan: @pzmyers @MockTM There was the one shopkeeper who appeared to be as beaten down and passive as she is.
2015-07-09 01:15:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Hahaha that UFO. Close encounters of the turd kind amirite?
2015-07-09 01:15:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM Doo doo doo da dum
2015-07-09 01:16:00
@lousycanuck: @MockTM UFO waits patiently while Hannah makes a 14-point turn
2015-07-09 01:16:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Tackiness level reading over 9000, Captain Grorbnax!”
2015-07-09 01:16:39
@pzmyers: @MockTM How unrealistic. The UFO is supposed to anally probe Daryl Hannah, not zap her cleavage with a laser.
2015-07-09 01:16:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It was out there! The truth!”
2015-07-09 01:17:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Sure, we believe you Ms Archer, it’s just that you’ve said nothing but nondescript sentence fragments so far. Use your words dear.”
2015-07-09 01:18:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I like that Deputy Charlie. Good egg.
2015-07-09 01:19:54
@pzmyers: @MockTM Gaslightin’ time.
2015-07-09 01:20:14
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Get in the car! Before I jowl at you!”
2015-07-09 01:21:34
@blakestacey: @MockTM Why did he have to interrupt dinner? didn’t he bring that one on himself?
2015-07-09 01:22:45
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “It’s your mother all over again”? Wait, is this a remake of the original, or a sequel??
2015-07-09 01:22:55
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, honey. You already are the laughingstock of the town. You just have too much money for them to do it to your face.
2015-07-09 01:22:55
@CA7746: @MockTM Dad’s ears need to be bigger. “A FEMALE deputy!”
2015-07-09 01:23:00
@pzmyers: @MockTM Too late! You married your daughter off to a cheatin’, money-grubbing scumbag, the town is already laughing.
2015-07-09 01:23:37
@lousycanuck: @MockTM My headcanon is that Daryl Hannah is actually playing Harley Quinn and the slick manbaby is her puddin’.
2015-07-09 01:24:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM Subtle foreshadowing is subtle!
2015-07-09 01:24:30
@CA7746: @MockTM Why was that guy standing on the chimney?
2015-07-09 01:25:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM She hugs the teddy bear tight and remembers what the Goblin King’s citizens said to her: “Should you need us…”
2015-07-09 01:25:51
@CA7746: @MockTM I saw… I saw ANTS!
2015-07-09 01:26:42
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I saw something… scout ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion…”
2015-07-09 01:27:07
@lousycanuck: @MockTM The Baldwins all play excellent greasy manbabies.
2015-07-09 01:27:09
@ImprobableJoe: @lousycanuck Sorry to interrupt but I get my fix of @MockTM-style fun from the We Hate Movies podcast. Check them at @WHMPodcast
2015-07-09 01:27:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Who sent the Miner 49er from central casting!?
2015-07-09 01:27:47
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “…And I saw… La Carcagne!”
2015-07-09 01:28:16
@szvan: @MockTM It’s great that we get an accent that tells us who in the movie doesn’t have money.
2015-07-09 01:29:03
@szvan: @MockTM Yes, refocus this movie on her immediately.
2015-07-09 01:30:33
@blakestacey: @MockTM “It’s one thing to say a sentence, it’s another to say a sentence that makes sense all the way through.”
2015-07-09 01:30:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM Technical Bechdel pass!
2015-07-09 01:33:08
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Why don’t you give it a try.” “I saw somethi–” “WHOA WHOA BACK UP”
2015-07-09 01:33:12
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you believe me?” “Yes.” *stealth-dials cell phone*
2015-07-09 01:34:01
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Very unscientific, very female”? Booo!
2015-07-09 01:34:53
@pzmyers: @MockTM Whoa. Isn’t she supposed to grow a fish tail when she gets wet?
2015-07-09 01:35:21
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Can we please skip forward through to the comeuppance?
2015-07-09 01:36:16
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Then we swing by Area 51, and the old missile silos.
2015-07-09 01:36:46
@pzmyers: @MockTM Totally unbelievable. All you should get on that radio is Rush Limbaugh and country.
2015-07-09 01:37:36
@blakestacey: @MockTM If a Russian attack *were* under way, they certainly would not be hearing civilian broadcasts!
2015-07-09 01:37:45
@szvan: @MockTM Dude, the Rat Pack were largely a bunch of rat bastards, and you still don’t measure up.
2015-07-09 01:37:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That one song played straight through til well after sundown.
2015-07-09 01:37:52
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Welp. Doesn’t that actually solve all your problems, Harry?
2015-07-09 01:39:28
@blakestacey: @MockTM So the aliens make her giant and turn him into a mime.
2015-07-09 01:39:31
@pzmyers: @MockTM Now he has to explain what happened to his rich wife, and “A UFO abducted her!” isn’t going to convince anyone.
2015-07-09 01:40:08
@CA7746: @MockTM “There was a UFO. And music. It spun her, right ’round!”
2015-07-09 01:40:22
@blakestacey: @MockTM Eh, it’s just Saul Goodman screwing around in back
2015-07-09 01:40:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Fire axe. Nice. I like her moxie.
2015-07-09 01:41:13
@blakestacey: @MockTM “But what if / what if the town blew awaaaay?”
2015-07-09 01:41:36
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Do you eat normal human food?”
2015-07-09 01:42:31
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Could you please give me a ride back into town? My usual lift sorta flew away.”
2015-07-09 01:44:21
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m not going to let you spirit her away!” “She married me, so she’s *my* property now!”
2015-07-09 01:44:54
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Dr Kushing? What’s happening to me?” “Go ask Alice.”
2015-07-09 01:45:57
@pzmyers: @MockTM I’m gonna guess her bra is made of super-stretchy fabric.
2015-07-09 01:46:10
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM I think she’ll know!
2015-07-09 01:46:17
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Just what is her condition?” “Unique. Well, except for this one case in the 50s.”
2015-07-09 01:47:18
@pzmyers: @MockTM her voice should be much deeper. Physics!
2015-07-09 01:47:22
@CA7746: @MockTM He needs to get better glasses. Took sooo long to notice the giant.
2015-07-09 01:47:48
@blakestacey: @MockTM lolz!
2015-07-09 01:47:57
@pzmyers: @MockTM Burning question: growth by cell proliferation, or did individual cells expand?
2015-07-09 01:48:14
@lousycanuck: @MockTM PRODUCT PLACEMENT
2015-07-09 01:48:27
@pzmyers: @MockTM Latter would lead to rapid cell death and rupture, sorry to say. She’s dead.
2015-07-09 01:48:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM “What made her grow like that?” “High levels of SCIENCE!”
2015-07-09 01:49:24
@pzmyers: @MockTM Is anyone else feeling the irresistible urge to do a biopsy?
2015-07-09 01:49:50
@blakestacey: @MockTM And essentially legal is even better than legal!
2015-07-09 01:50:35
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s a really impressive dress to have made in 24h out of materials on hand.
2015-07-09 01:51:41
@szvan: @MockTM Some transition time for the character would have been nice.
2015-07-09 01:51:53
@lousycanuck: @MockTM How’d she fill that pool with hot water? And make it more than a relative three inches deep?
2015-07-09 01:53:29
@blakestacey: @MockTM Let’s have a little forced perspective to go along with the forced character development.
2015-07-09 01:53:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I was wondering about something. Well, multiple things. How to have sex with a normal sized person. But also your abandonment.”
2015-07-09 01:54:51
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Maybe I’ve changed! Maybe now I have … eye lasers! Yeah!”
2015-07-09 01:54:52
@leilah: Damnit, it’s @mocktm? Maybe I can catch up…
2015-07-09 01:55:14
@lousycanuck: @leilah @mocktm We’re 55m in, and Hannah has only been 50 ft tall for like five mins.
2015-07-09 01:55:44
2015-07-09 01:56:25
@leilah: @lousycanuck @mocktm Oh, perfect!
2015-07-09 01:56:42
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Seriously, that needle is like a sword to normal humans. Careful. Jeez.
2015-07-09 01:57:48
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “A woman doesn’t have too many options here. Law, mistress, aggrieved housewife, giantess…”
2015-07-09 01:59:04
@szvan: @MockTM Maybe the women there should consider talking to each other more. Might change—oh, I don’t know—everything.
2015-07-09 01:59:15
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Is that love?” “Naw, it ain’t love. It’s the sunk cost fallacy.”
2015-07-09 02:01:22
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Like the outfit? Just a little something I put together from a circus tent.”
2015-07-09 02:01:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “This thing that’s happened to me, I think it can bring us closer together. If I grow toward you, I mean.”
2015-07-09 02:03:05
@szvan: @MockTM Oh, hey. I didn’t expect him to know it was a book.
2015-07-09 02:03:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Whoa, whoa, don’t kink-shame, just because she wants to have sex with tiny people.
2015-07-09 02:04:37
@blakestacey: @MockTM “I’m trying to save our marriage!” “Well, that’s your first mistake.”
2015-07-09 02:04:46
@CA7746: @MockTM A backflip off a truck, in a suit. Impressive.
2015-07-09 02:05:14
@leilah: @mocktm Wait, that was what he wanted to happen? I must have missed more than I thought.
2015-07-09 02:05:45
@lousycanuck: @leilah @mocktm He wants to be rid of her. Trying to lock her in a sanitarium half the movie, now trying to induce a heart attack.
2015-07-09 02:06:16
@blakestacey: @MockTM Way to bury the lede, dude.
2015-07-09 02:06:40
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Fort Knox is a bank! It can be blown!”
2015-07-09 02:07:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Don’t bite off bottle caps, you’ll chip your teeth.
2015-07-09 02:07:58
@szvan: @MockTM Good thing that shop has no windows.
2015-07-09 02:08:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM @leilah It certainly is, unfortunately. but nobody plays a greasy manbaby like a Baldwin.
2015-07-09 02:08:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM An ass. And a donkey.
2015-07-09 02:09:06
@CA7746: @MockTM That town really loves Milo and Otis.
2015-07-09 02:10:39
@blakestacey: @MockTM Well, that was just unnecessary.
2015-07-09 02:10:50
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “I know where he is.” “Uh, then why are you asking us?”
2015-07-09 02:11:30
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Post-feminist” — I do not think that means what you think that means.
2015-07-09 02:11:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Ooh, meta
2015-07-09 02:12:13
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I’m trying to figure out how that sex position could work and unless he has a three foot dong, nothing doing.
2015-07-09 02:13:02
@blakestacey: @MockTM Yea verily, the voice of excitement and passion
2015-07-09 02:13:09
@lousycanuck: @MockTM There’s no need to perm your hair up for the extra half a foot, Hannah. You don’t NEED it, we’ll still round up to 50 ft.
2015-07-09 02:13:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM That’s a very post-post-feminist thing to say.
2015-07-09 02:15:07
@pzmyers: @MockTM Oh, crap. Run! She’s a FEMINiST giant!
2015-07-09 02:15:38
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “National Guard? Oh jeez. Where am I going to hide? Where’s the Empire State Building when you need it.”
2015-07-09 02:16:18
@lousycanuck: @MockTM In Hannah’s position, I’d be like, “guys, whoa, hang on. It’s cool. I’m leaving peacefully. Okay?” Be super reasonable. THEN SMASH!
2015-07-09 02:17:11
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “Don’t think of her as a woman, think of her as a target. That’s what I always do.” SWEET JESUS THAT GOT DARK
2015-07-09 02:18:04
@szvan: @MockTM “Okay. That’s enough. Stop talking to her.”
2015-07-09 02:18:25
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Someone get these boys some basic weapons training. Wow.
2015-07-09 02:19:55
@lousycanuck: @MockTM They tampered in God’s domain.
2015-07-09 02:20:23
@blakestacey: @MockTM By comic-book logic, now she has electro-powers.
2015-07-09 02:21:09
@blakestacey: @MockTM “Hi! Did we miss anything?”
2015-07-09 02:21:27
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Well then. Now what? We have ten minutes of dead air to fill. Time to resolve some plotlines?
2015-07-09 02:21:41
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Toxic minisculinity.
2015-07-09 02:23:59
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Close Encounters of the Third Wave Kind
2015-07-09 02:25:28
@lousycanuck: @MockTM Yay, Deputy Charlie gets to be sheriff!
2015-07-09 02:25:56
@blakestacey: @MockTM Women! It’s like they’re from another planet, amirite?!
2015-07-09 02:26:20
@lousycanuck: @MockTM But what I REALLY want to know is what happened to the framing story.
2015-07-09 02:26:43
@lousycanuck: @MockTM I really have my doubts that they’ll be clever enough to put the framing story closing after the credits.
2015-07-09 02:27:29
@blakestacey: @lousycanuck @MockTM For reals! Like, was the epilogue on the flying saucer *also* part of the film shown in the visitor center?
2015-07-09 02:27:52
@CA7746: @MockTM Did the Desert Bus make its return trip?
2015-07-09 02:28:09
@szvan: @MockTM *sigh* I wanted to like this movie by the end.
2015-07-09 02:28:10
@szvan: @MockTM “Attack of the 50 Ft Woman”, the movie that taught Christopher Guest what doesn’t work in film.
2015-07-09 02:28:43
@blakestacey: @MockTM The bit with the mother’s necklace feels like something left over from an earlier draft of the script.
2015-07-09 02:28:49
@lousycanuck: @MockTM “How do we make up for being really shitty to women for decades on celluloid? I KNOW, put a lot of them in one film! OR ONE BIG ONE”
2015-07-09 02:29:54
@blakestacey: @MockTM Is everyone on the flying saucer a brobdignagated human woman? Why did they care about the necklace?
2015-07-09 02:29:58

Mock The Movie: Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman transcript