Savage Love Episode 280


Why is 280 listed under 279? I kept checking for it and thinking it wasn't up because they are in the wrong order... Looks like it was edited into last weeks instead of made into a new post with a new date.
Oh dear. This week's full of awesome "characters!" Kudos to the Tech-Savvy At-Risk Youth for their selection of calls, and kudos to Dan for being largely awesome on each call.
I can't get it to work
Dear babysitter: you aren't the parent(s), it's not your decision. What YOU should have done is say "Hi, your kid was watching TV in your bedroom and came across your porn. Just thought you should know so you could deal with it whatever way you see fit." Telling a five year old "Keep this thing a secret from your parents." is the sort of retarded thing I'd expect from a Palin.
Before we get further into the porn/babysitter thing, can we please get beyond "retarded" as an insult? Isn't this site supposed to be haven for anti-bigotry?
That's retarded, Dukefairfax
Hi Dan,
re: the mom and her son's exes,

didn't the mom say that her son came out at 14, therefore not young and just coming out at aged 30 and didn't she say that the ex partners stop speaking to her - not 'her stuffing them up the memory hole' as you said.

I thought she wanted help to protect herself from bonding too closely in case it does go wrong, because they leave her high and dry. Did I totally miss the boat on this one?!

I hope she does hear that she should just get on with it -if she likes the boyfriend= be friends. If she doesn't = be polite and friendly but not involved.
Hmm... It's not working for me either. I usually just listen, this time I even tried downloading. This and other Lovecasts to make sure it's not just this one. Nada.
I need my weekly dose of Dan!
...And miraculously fixed. Huh.
False alarm. Go about your business, people.
279 was posted early. They were prerecorded and the tech savvy at risk youth confused not just me. I'm having problems listening to 280, also. All these damn annoying 1st World problems.
To the recently deflowered bisexual gentleman:

First of all, allow me to say that your lexical acuity is an unmitigated aural delight!

Now, on to business.

With regard to Mr. Savage's shrewd advice, please accept my humble endorsement thereof.  My own incipient carnal encounters followed a similar to trajectory to that which you so keenly summarized. Specifically, my member - a stalwart companion for many years - suddenly found itself lacking conviction. Initially bewildered, I soon discovered that simply repeating the act a few times (coupled with a conscious effort to relax) did much to calm my nerves.  In short order the entire vexing predicament was resolved, and subsequent libidinous pursuits were conducted with appropriate zest.

May it be so for you as well, good sir!

Okay, Mr Savage prefers same-sexers who are parents
to those who aren't. Fine. Perhaps he even feels sorry for same-sexers who, as he might phrase it, lack opposite-sex experience. Given his history, I can just give that a fair enough (not without cramping, as I loathe the prominence of straight-chasing). But "f#$ off" as an expression for the path of shucking irresponsibility the newly-out daddy didn't take? Terrible blunder. If our next president ever hears of that phrasing, he'll be on to it like a shot. His second-hand and third-hand supporters (political laundering as usual, so that the launderer can at least pretend that "he loves same-sexers") will be only too thrilled to link same-sexers with reprehensible irresponsibility. The context that NOD didn't use his orientation as a particular weapon rather than a general one will be totally lost.

I would have liked follow-up with the caller on the security of his parenting position. A child already made could be a huge gain to a partner who wants one (though some will want to be a father or co-father rather than a stepfather), but there could be huge negatives in play as well. How out is NOD, and how well has the child's mother taken it? Will the closet, family acceptance or custody be any sort of issue? While such things won't come up right away, a serious prospective stepfather will be concerned about such questions.
Oh, bother - *shucking responsibility*.
Love your show Dan. I had giant red flags waving when the babysitter told the child to keep the sex movie a "secret". Kids should NEVER be told to keep a secret from their parents, especially about something potentially damaging like a porn exposure like this one. NO SECRETS. The difference between a secret and a surprise-- surprises have happy endings and everyone eventually knows the truth. Happy ending. Secrets are damaging, divisive and dangerous, making the child more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation.
Mr. Ven, I took Dan's reactions to be "If he's not okay with you being a dad, then BYE because he's not right for you."

As for the rest of your comment, I'm sorry, but I'm not tracking it.
Hey Dan, I was perusing this year's TED talks and found this great article about changing how we talk about sex. Reminded me of your wonderful lessons. Enjoy! From a faithful listener :)…
Signs your man is cheating on you! -…
Thank you Limbo, at least someone here was civil.

The only thing contrived about my voice in that call was its high pitch from nervousness... not that I had anything to worry about considering Dan only spent next three and a half minutes taking the piss out of me!

I considered changing my speech patterns and accent to avoid broadcasting my highly recognizable, usual speaking voice; but I thought that would be "ridiculous" (in the classic sense). This Irony burns.

Still I appreciate all this Advice from you and Dan, what's more, I'll try to remember that my right hand isn't just a training wheel. With a goodly perseverance I imagine I'll have this quandary behind me in good time and good order. I look forward to kicking up a fine groove at my earliest convenience and pinning some promising paramour into whatever bed or equivalent surface is handy at the time.

P.S - I am playing it up a bit now, but this is still more or less how I sound all the time

P.P.S - Thank you as well Dan

P.P.P.S - Oh, Soap and water you say, thank god that's not the first thing I tried. Now I feel positively silly for all that time I spent dipping my left hand in the blood of a black rooster and muttering secrets to a dying goat in hopes of convincing the spirits to stop making my hand smell funny.

P.P.P.P.S - I used an old toothbrush and some Purell
Dan - I think you were too harsh with the babysitter. It's true that she did the wrong thing with the kid by making it into a secret taboo, but you need to acknowledge that she's in an impossible position. To do the right thing, she needs to tell her employers that she herself accidentally saw their porn & was forced to talk to their child about it. The aftermath of this situation will be extremely awkward at best, and potentially end her employment at worse. Even though it was certainly their fault for leaving the DVD in the player, the babysitter might fear for her job - taking care of a child requires a level of trust, and by bringing it up (which is the right thing to do), the parents might feel that trust has been violated & might want to find a new sitter in shame (and if they're assholes, they could even blame the sitter for the video exposure).

You should have at least acknowledged that poor babysitter might have had a reason to be hesitant. To me, the best advice would be for the sitter to write the parents an email (that she copies for her own protection), acknowledging the awkwardness & trying to frame it around doing what's best for the kid - it would at least avoid the really awkward face-to-face conversation and give the parents a chance to talk it over together before potentially getting embarrassed or angry with the sitter.
@18 It isn't just distinct. It's almost anachronistic. It doesn't just sound put on. It sounds put on for comedic effect. It would be like hearing somebody call in to this show with that 1920s reporter voice. It is near impossible for me to believe that you actually speak that way.

But, I'm from New Orleans and, before Swamp People, I went to my cousin's wedding with people from out of town. They all thought my cousin's coon ass family was taking the piss. They "sounded too much like The Waterboy."

So, I'm not saying you are lying. I'm telling you it is difficult to believe you. But I know that can happen with actual, for real, not made up accents.

I would love to know how you would have come to have this speaking voice. I would want to hear that story if you were lying or telling the truth, actually. If this is a prank, I would still want to hear you come up with a back story for that voice.

Also, I swim 2 miles a day. I could sit in a tub of boiled crawfish and the smell wouldn't survive a swim in a chlorinated pool.
Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I have nothing but love for #18. (If you are who you claim to be.)
Do not change a thing about your magnificent voice.
Alright I'm from Costa Rica and Jamaica, I was born in Brooklyn and now live in Miami. My parents grew up in CR my Mother is bilingual and my father is trilingual with the addition of his non-fluent but enthusiastically spoken french. I have roughly a four year old's grasp of Spanish which is enough to ask for toys or food.

My Mother Sounds Trinidadian
My Father Sounds Like an upper-class Jamaican circa the 1920's when it was popular to try and exterminate the then nascent patois

My Oldest Brother sounds Like he's from New Jersey but not an Italian from new Jersey (BTW the NJ in my handle has far more to do with my name than my home.)

My second oldest brother sounds like a Black guy from Miami which is what he is but it makes him the odd man out.

And my sister has a powerful New Yorker accent which years spent in the south can't seem to deaden.

The point is I'm not about to change my accent; I rather like it and losing it would make me the "weird one".
I'm gonna be an ass and point out that Panorama isn't in the Rockies, it's in the Purcell mountains which are adjacent to the rockies. You can see the Rockies from the top of Panorama but you are not, in fact, in the Rockies.
Ugh, Dan, I know you provided a caveat for betrayal in your "mom stays friends with ex" scenario, but omg I would DIE if my mother stayed friends with my exes! I mean, I am friends with my exes currently, yes, but that took like...years for me to get there. Now everything is fine, and my mother is actually good friends with one of them. I guess my point is that this mother's call sounded really selfish to me. I'm sorry. I mean, developing an attachment to your son's boyfriends is sort of unhealthy to begin with. Break-ups are hard enough as it is without your mother factoring her own heartache into the equation. This isn't about you, lady! Get a damn hobby! or a pet! or a knitting circle! Just some friendly advice.... :)
I find straight mainstream porn is overwhelmingly anal-centric. Just sayin'. Not that surprising that nearly every sex partner we encounter wants our tight little pooper instead of our moist pleasure centers. Thanks alot porn.

Excellent advice for the babysitter. I was cringing listening to her call, that little one absolutely needs to have a conversation with her mommy.

Oy, parents on FaceBook: first horseman of the apocalypse.