(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that he signed into law “Jesus the terrorist” bill, blaming Jesus as the world’s first terrorist, and inspiring treason and terrorism today. US Christians will be taxed for Jesus’ bank terrorism if they don’t renounce Jesus. Press conference excerpts:

President Obama: It’s a hard truth that Jesus was a terrorist and traitor to his government. Please give me a few moments to explain:

His first act upon arriving to a major Empire city was to stage a terrorist attack upon banks, and without concern this occurred within Judaism’s most sacred religious temple. Jesus, like Hitler, was a fanatic leader we need to take at his word: Jesus swore to reject peace and live by the sword. His conviction for treason is justified by his actions: his fellow terrorists attacked peace officers with an assault sword, and Jesus claimed to be “king” in attempt to violently overthrow the Empire’s government.

The Empire didn’t negotiate with this terrorist: they executed him.

So what do we do as a nation under law when so many Americans worship a terrorist? Because we respect 1st Amendment rights in this country, we’re not calling Christians domestic terrorists yet. But because Jesus is arguably history’s first terrorist, it’s only right that today’s followers of Jesus help pay the costs of terrorism today. Jesus was a teacher alright, a teacher of terrorists like those who attacked America on 9/11. Therefore, today I’m signing into law “Jesus the terrorist” bill for Christians to atone for Jesus’ sins.

Q: Are you blaming Jesus for the 9/11 terrorist attacks?

Obama: Jesus’ attack on Jerusalem bankers showed Jesus and terrorism are one. Jesus is considered a prophet from God in Islam, so as history’s first terrorist, the US Congress and I are correct in saying 9/11 started with Jesus. On 9/11, Americans died for Jesus’ sins.

Q: What about this tax on Christians?

Obama: I have legal authority to use military force to defend America from terrorists and those who harbor them, as Christians harbor Jesus in their hearts. However, some members of Congress don’t feel comfortable using drone strikes on American Christian terrorists, at least at this time. In the spirit of bipartisan compromise, we agreed on a 10% income tax increase for unrepentant Christians.

Q: How will you impose this tax, sir?

Obama: NSA has complete records on Americans who go to church. All of them now have messages on all their communication devices: cell phones, e-mail, even their video games, that the tax applies to them. But they have a choice: if they renounce Jesus and give a sacrifice, we’ll remove them from the “Jesus’ terrorists” data base.

Q: What is the oath to renounce Jesus and avoid the tax on terrorists?

Obama: They must say to their cell phone or computer for NSA automatic recording: “Jesus is a terrorist hated by God. I reject him, and offer sacrifice to the US Gods.” This is similar to the Roman Empire’s requirements of suspected Christians for them to avoid execution. Again, we’re not there yet, but Christians need to understand that I don’t know how long I can hold back the wrath of the American people if Christians don’t surrender their faith to terrorism.

Q: What US Gods and sacrifice will patriotic soon-to-be-ex-Christians honor?

Obama: They can go to any of the nine banks with the combined derivative exposure of over $200 trillion, and either open an account or make a deposit of any amount while stating within the bank for permanent NSA documentation: “I willingly sacrifice to the Federal Reserve System: to that God, we trust.” Christians who don’t renounce Jesus will pay the 10% annual income tax increase for the next “too big to fail” bailout.

Q: Sir, how else will “Good Americans” demonize Jesus?

Obama: Renounce the terrorist’s teachings, especially so-called “love” of other terrorists rather than love of US government. Our drone strikes on microcredit terrorism should result in the wounded being shunned, not helped because of empathy for God-forsaken terrorists. We double-tap the terror associates to help end the Orwellian distortion of “love” to help terrorists who should pay the price of terror.

Q: Did leadership of the Left and Right arms of our government consider options other than targeting Christian terrorism?

Obama: Yes. We considered what we did to the terrorist Paul Revere’s corpse, but that obviously wouldn’t work with Jesus. But, upon discussion and reflection, we’re happy with this policy track because frankly oligarchs from both parties are feeling pressure to accelerate our agenda for war on Iran, eliminating domestic dissent/terrorism, and keeping economic control within fewer and trusted hands.

Q: You sound worried, sir. How can loyal Americans help?

Obama: (wipes imaginary tear with middle finger) I appreciate corporate media: just keep proselytizing. Along with preaching our program to schools for 100 US children killing terrorists with drones, we’re opening a new campaign to schools you can help spread: “Forget Useless Christian Keepsakes America!”

Q: F.U.C.K. America?

Obama: Yes, F.U.C.K. America! It’s the only way to realize our agenda.



Previous satire:

July 4: Obama to exhume, posthumously hang Paul Revere for spying, treason

Obama celebrates 30 million US war-kills since WW2; past Hitler to #3 all-time!

Obama launches video game contest: 100 child winners to drone-kill real terrorists

Obama declares War on Terror Financing (WTF); microcredit is now terrorism