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Apologizing just to say you're sorry so you can move on?

I've been married to my husband 10 years this year, together a total of 16. About 5 or 6 years ago I found out that he cheated on me with a girl he met online. We went to counseling and got past that rough patch, so I thought. WE recently went on a little vacay get away for our 10th anniversary which was in April, but because of the Covid crisis we had to post pone it. The trip was really nice and we had a lot of fun.

Last night we were sitting at home watching TV and my husband started up a show on Showtime about actual couples who are going through marriage counseling. That started a conversation between us talking about the individual couples. At one point I got a little heated because one of the couples brought up infidelity and that made me think back to when we went through it. After some intense conversation my husband again apologized and at that point I turned to him and asked him what he was sorry for.

He looks to me and says, "Can you not just accept the apology and move on? Why do you always have to know what a person is sorry for." He mentioned that he had apologized countless times, in private and in the presence of several counselors but I'm reluctant to accept it.

Then he reminds me that he wasn't the only one who cheated. Yes, I had a slip up while we were dating before we got married. However, I feel that what happened before the marriage shouldn't count as much as what happen after the marriage. He gave me hell over it when it happened but then he moved on.

I, on the other hand can't seem to get past my "husband's" infidelity. He slept on the sofa last night because he said that since I can't get over what happened some 6 years ago and several counselors later there's no point in even trying. I don't want to lose my marriage but I just want to make sure he's sorry for what he did. Am I wrong?

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9 answers and 6 replies
  • Hmmm..

    It doesn’t seem like you are very sorry for cheating, either, referring to it as a slip up and not really counting it since you weren’t married yet.

    Who are you to throw something in his face for which you also did?

    You can’t get past him cheating, this may not work.
  • "However, I feel that what happened before the marriage shouldn't count as much as what happen after the marriage."
    No. Both of you cheated inside a committed relationship. Your actions were just as bad as his.

    "I just want to make sure he's sorry for what he did."
    If you don't trust and believe him that he already is, your marriage is over. You're creating a situation where the benefits of being married to you are less than the pain of being constantly reminded about a terrible mistake.

    If you can't move past it after six years and multiple counselling sessions why are you staying with him... why is he staying with you?

    "Am I wrong?"
    Mostly yes. Are you entitled to feel hurt and betrayed? Yes. Should you be over it? A counsellor would be better suited to answer that than a message board. However if you want your marriage to continue and improve, then you need to deal with the past and move forward either with or without him... but bringing up old past wrongs without ever actually forgiving him is a terrible disservice to him and to you.
  • So, basically, you're a hypocrite.

    He said he was sorry many times, and you went through counseling, and he has not cheated since. You would have been right to end the relationship when he cheated as would he when you did. But if you say you have forgiven someone and want to move on, then do so. It is not a life sentence where you can drag it out whenever you feel like it and that is exactly what he told you.


    But when will that happen exactly? What more would you expect him to do? I have to tell you, it would have been you sleeping on the sofa that night, not me. I wouldn't put up with that happy crappy, no ma'am. I would have told you to sleep on the couch and go ahead and file for divorce the next day.

    You won't ever get past his infidelity because you obviously don't want to. You say you don't want to lose your marriage but you already have. You can walk over grass only so long until it doesn't grow back anymore. What you are doing now has nothing at all to do with trust and everything to do with never ending retribution.

    And, btw, just so you know, I am one of the more vehement posters on this site when it comes to cheating.
  • Committed hearts don’t care about paper.

    You cheating before marriage is no less painful than him cheating after marriage.

    But you both decided you would forgive and move on

    Thing is - you haven’t forgiven him yet. Apologies lose their value the more often they are made. You not accepting them over the years yet still demanding more apologies is illogical

    Seems you were not equipped to forgive & forget (can’t say I blame you I’d struggle with it too) And this dark cloud will never truly go away as long as you hold a part of it near you

    Keep going to counseling but stop demanding the apologies you refuse to accept - that only further complicates a complicated situation.
  • “ he moved on “ or so you thought or he thought. His cheating was probably him getting even with you. That helped him get over your cheating
  • You are not sure, after several counselors, that he is sorry for what he did? That seems surprising. After all of those counseling sessions and discussions and tears, you still doubt the sincerity of his apology?

    Cheating (both of your cheating episodes) is a horrible thing to do. But I believe that a person can do a horrible thing and regret it, and sincerely apologise.

    Now, you made the decision to stay together. That's your choice. But you can't get it both ways. You can't keep him and then doubt that he's really sorry for what he did.
  • That’s the thing about breaking the trust, it rarely matters to the cheatee whether you were married, together or whatever.

    You cheated, he cheated, you’re both even. Forget about it and move on to make what you have better, not worse.
  • I have a question...

    What will it take for you to accept his apology? For him to repair this?

    I mean, I bet you don't have an answer - cuz you don't want this to end...

    Admit it, holding this over his head gives you "power". You get to "stick it" to him every chance you get. You get to be the "victim" and him the "bad guy". If he dare upset you over what to choose to eat on a particular day, bring up the infidelity - use it as your trump card to win the fight!!!

    Five/six years ago you decided to do counseling instead of divorce. You have NO RIGHT to keep on rehashing this. If you don't want to let this go, then divorce him and move on...Yes, it IS that simple. You can't take him back just to beat him up forever...

    So yes, he's right, let it fing go already...and at this point I wouldn't blame him for giving you lip service to shut you up, because nothing he does will matter. You are still angry...geesh
  • How do you make this two halves of him, your bf then and your husband now??.. To him and to the rest of the mortals, he is only one whole man and his experience with you is one whole relationship, not two relationships i.e. the before and the after marriage. You cheated on him and he cheated on you. That cheating was before, during, after, over, under, whatever, marriage, is not very relevant. What is relevant is what you put your partner through. Put joy and trust, that is his experience. Put cheat and, criticism, that is his experience too.

    What he did is bad and hurtful, but you cannot make him pay what he did for the rest of his life. You can, but what do you win with this??

    You have the right to be mad, but at some point if you remain mad, you will lose him and he will be gone for good, and you will have all the leisure in this world to continue being mad without him for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? The same would apply to you. If your husband were giving you the though times, yelling, criticizing, and reminding you of a mistake you did, at some point you too would consider your options and leave. Think about it. In my humble opinion, you need to go to counseling alone now, to heal and learn forgiveness for your husband.

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