Friday, May 29, 2020

Summer In The City

That title reads like this would be a post about brunch, rooftop drinks, balcony BBQs, playing sports in the park, race training, fire pits with friends and weekend jaunts to the Hamptons.

If those things are pseudonyms for getting a sunburn on the roof, a drink everyday because you don't know what day it is, BBQs for one, running a bunch with no race in sight, weekend jaunts between my bedroom, living room and balcony, depression, anger and an occasional friend stopping by then yea, it sounds about right. 

"I've never been worse, thanks for asking"

I worked on a project recently and country singer Kalie Shorr contributed and I have to say, her new album is giving me some life. I said some. Trust me, you still can't get on a call or be with me in person without me being in tears at some point. Though she doesn't sing about NPD and BPD, I imagine that's harder to fit in a song vs a book, most of the album touching on her cheating ex despite other tragedies she's gone through. Twinsies. 

In one specific song, she had two different sets of lyrics that I related to (among lots of the rest of the album.

You hated when my dreams came true
'Cause they were better as just dreams to you
But what you really hated was yourself


But I'm just a mirror reflecting
And you're just an asshole projecting

I was always a girl who dreamed big, had goals, and wanted to check things off that list. Regardless of what bucket they fell into - career, running, writing, Pilates or nutrition, etc. Encountering someone who shit on my goals and thought most of anything I did was dumb was confusing. How do you try new things? How do you learn? Don't you want to achieve great things? I do. To all of the above. I knew I wanted to own a business since I was a teenager. And though said person made it his mission to destroy that too, I'll have you know that I just don't go down like that (minus Jan 3, but that's a story for chapter 14). 

And her second lyric? I fell in love with myself and the horrific things said were just thing bouncing back where they belonged. When NPD and BPD personalities target you, they know you're great. Fuck I know I'm great. I'm smart, caring, thoughtful, strong, opinionated, funny, strong-willed, hard worker, motivated, tenacious, committed, and LOYAL AF. And they mirror that back to you, so you end up falling in love with yourself, and of course, miss the abuse. And truth be told, if I hadn't been seeing my therapist since Sept 2018, and she wasn't involved the entire time, I wouldn't have known that's what it was. I'm a careful listener and once I understand everything, and did tons of research, I realized I was just on the receiving end of the projection. 

I also highly recommend Fight Like a Girl off of her first album. "I'm perfume sweet and whiskey strong. I damn sure ain't no underdog." I mean, damn straight. 

Ironically I just saw that violinist Lindsey Stirling is hosting a string sessions YouTube Live today with singer Gabby Barrett who sings the song, I Hope. I happen to like that one too. 

Whether it's playing or listening to it, it's no secret that music can help us work through things. And some days, that's the only way I make it through. 

[13.1 in the rain, not 3.1 like my fingers suggest]

I've been running with headphones too because after last summer I realized I was OK to do long, solo training runs with them in then race without them and do well. Which is great because I enjoy getting lost in the music on a bad day. 

The hardest part of most of this at this point in time? Homegirl living my best life. With the love of my life in the apartment in the neighborhood we checked out and enjoying everything I had and wanted. At least someone is happy. Quarantine definitely elevates my sadness times 93580475398. I'm looking forward to getting some of my distractions back.

I on the other hand have perfected the fake smile and learned how to say I'm fine without being questioned (I think). 

I'm excited to adventure this weekend and get the eff out of NYC for a few hours. That may mean skipping a long run but with no upcoming races on the horizon, what's there to lose?

Oh and one last thing - if you wouldn't want your man looking at his exes stuff, I think that should be a two-way street and you should stop looking at his exes stuff. When you're married (fact check needed) and living together (fact check needed but I don't think it's needed), it's probably time to stop worrying about how my life got destroyed and enjoy the one you've got. 


Friday, May 15, 2020

My Party Trick

Did you know that I play the violin? Probably not since it turns out most of my closest friends didn't know. A few of my running teammates and I teamed up to play this wonderful song that I wanted to share with you on this gorgeous Friday. 

Seriously, that's all for today. Just sharing my party trick :)


Monday, May 11, 2020

This is 31.

If one year ago today you told me I'd be recovering from NBD/BPD abuse, January 3rd, and also be in quarantine for my next birthday I'd most definitely have thought you were losing it.
Apparently, I would have been the one in the wrong. Today is not "just me, you, and Lily." It's you, Lily, and the girl you snuck around with behind my back, who among other eery similarities, is also celebrating a birthday today.

However, I made it through birthday 2011 and I'll make it through birthday 2020.

It's an accomplishment that I'm alive to see this birthday.

I've learned a lot this year about things I never wanted to learn about, that most people never should have to know about.

And as my therapist so nicely put it last week, you're going through a traumatic breakup during a pandemic. What a delightful combo!! HOW FUCKING LUCKY AM I?!!

BUT despite the gaslighting, being cheated on, the straight-up confusion, being used, there were some highlights! I said some, definitely not 31 like I'd normally be able to list out.

Ran a race in Florida and didn't pass out from the heat and 7 AM.

Went to Jones Beach Theater for the first time, naturally to see Luke Bryan.

Successfully trained for a marathon through what was one of the hottest NYC summers. Hello lots of 4 AM wake up calls!

Hiked to some ice caves.

Somehow pulled off a 15-min marathon PR and sub 4:30.

Deliriously hosted Friendsgiving for the first time in a few years.

Hosted a fashion week lounge.

Started to get rid of some of the unexplainable weight I had gained.

Took Pilates and PR, and my best friend, to Chicago.


Smiled and celebrated running accomplishments that were fought for.


Cultivated new friendships that helped propel me forward during this traumatic time.


Visited a friend who has become an even better friend, and let me invade her friendships, in St. Croix.

Began getting my speed back in preparation for some goal races.

Did Pilates in a salt room.

Learned how to accept help from others.

Finally got back on my snowboard.

Got my footing back at work.

Bought a plant!

I don't know what the next year holds for me. The goal right now is to get out of quarantine alive, and perhaps do some of the homework assignments my therapist assigns. I am so lucky to have the support system I have (friends, family, and strangers) who have been so patient and understanding.

For today, on my 31st birthday, I'll fight back the pain and tears while I sit in quarantine alone, with my Jack Honey and lemonade and rainbow cookie cake. Maybe one day I'll feel better, maybe I won't. Only time will tell. This year is a complete 180 from anything I could have ever imagined and I'm just taking life day by day.


Monday, May 4, 2020

Why Is Someone’s Misery the Source of Your Comedy?

[Book writing tools]

I'm still in the portion of book writing where I am just putting everything down before editing. Though I try to revise as I go, same as with writing a press release, it's better to get it all down then read it again later with fresh eyes. And of course, have someone else do the same to catch the little things you missed.

Two weekends ago I finished another chapter and started the next, which is when the title of this post appeared on my page (by appeared I mean I wrote it when I was on a roll and my fingers were just going): Why Is Someone’s Misery the Source of Your Comedy? 

Seriously, why? 

Though the darker chapters in Life's Better In Yoga Pants are still written in a comedic way, the same way I speak in person or write on this blog, they are my experiences that I am rehashing with a little humor. I'm turning my own pain into something a little funnier that's more relatable when you read it. Because it's a book for the public. Nothing about this is funny when it's just me and my closest friends. 

[Is it naptime or back extension time? Either way, girl is exhausted]

As for my everyday life, when you've already won, got what you wanted, watched someone's life get destroyed, know that I am traumatized, why would someone (or their friends, I give benefits of doubts) make my sadness their personal comedy show? Isn't what you have satisfying enough? Do you both have cocktails while pressing play on the "Haha Cheers to Destroying Her Life" show and giving yourselves a little evening chuckle?

On top of that, being in quarantine like the rest of the world, I'm not doing anything too interesting. 

Except for writing my book. Which I suppose is pretty cool. I've also made a lot of yummy things. Have been crushing my runs (fingers crossed we can self-seed at some post-corona races). Practicing to record few instrumental and instrument/vocal songs. And making sure I speak with my therapist as regularly as my finances allow.

[Delicious coffee cake I had to toss because I can't eat all of that]
[Lol how to tell if someone is a runner]
[Salmon and potatoes from Magnolia V2!]

So yea, on that front, on the exterior, my life looks great. Except we all know that's not true in real life.

We know that a smile and "I'm Fine" can fool a lot of people for a really long time. 

Fuck, I even fooled myself a few times.

But whether it's a group of people, two people or one person, whoever it is, knowing they think what I had to go through, what someone did to me intentionally, the trauma, all of it, is funny? That's almost just as painful and that's not fair. The damage was done, the steak knife is in and there's no reason to include a butter knife too. 

Be and feel lucky to cherish what you got, have, whatever verbiage makes sense here, and let me figure out how to survive this without being entertainment.