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August 08, 2021

Thinking of the last time I talked to my grandmother on the phone. I wish I could have been there for her. I didn't see her for years and I just figured if things work, they work, if I was supposed to see her I'd end up there. I learned to be too passive because I just never learned how things worked I guess. Now that I see things differently, life seems worse. I wish I figured things out before she passed. Didn't go to her funeral partially for that reason, partially because I wasn't sure about being welcomed, partially because I didn't know how dangerous covid was and no one else cared at the time.

I think it's really wrong how people are separated from their families in their final moments because maybe someone will get something when it's really just utopian bureaucrats asking how can this situation be perfect and impenetrable rather than human. I wish I didn't even consider the risk of flight when trying to decide, but at least it wasn't the only reason.

She kept repeating things on the phone and I was glad to stay on. Just wish I was there more. Wish I felt more capable of being there in general. Rather than just passed around like a paper bag orphan.