AITA For using the money I saved to get my stepson a prosthetic leg instead of contributing towards my brother's wedding?

AmItheAsshole Original (deleted)
SammySamXxX 11094 S x 29 2021-02-28 15:32:03

I M33 have a younger brother M25 who's the family's Golden child- Once he was born he had 3 parents. Mom, dad and me! I was required to drop everything anytime to look after him I shared 65% of his care in the first few years of his life, then as he grew older my parents expected me to provide for him financially. He fell sick and I ended up paying for his medical expenses. Driving him places. Going to the doctors follow ups with him. I did all of that while all my other social relationships fell apart. No more friends calling nor seeing me, I had trouble committing to a serious relationship cause I didn't give it my all.

Once I met my fiancee I kept my distance and focused on her and my stepson. My mom'd call to ask why I'm no longer doing x things for my brother. They made comments that my fiancee stole me to get me to raise her son. He's 13. Uses crutches because his left leg is amputated. We do everything together. I love him so much and I can't wait to adopt him and my fiancee is happy with it. I only visit family on big ocassions since my aunt is kind and treats my fiancee well. My brother is getting married on march and I heard the family was putting money together to pay for the wedding.

My dad called me to ask me to contribute with 15k which was a lot. I have other responsibilities I'm a dad now and need to focus on my son's needs. After talking I agreed to pay 10k. Then my aunt called to let me know no one else paid a dime and it was just me who contributed and it was a lie from my parents to get me back on track because my brother is and should always be my priority. I went to talk to them. Then I blew up after mom started talking about how my fiancee was clearly using me to provide for her son. I argued with her. Told her I won't be contributing anything towards the wedding and will use the money to get my stepson a prosthetic leg since he is my priority now(my fiancee couldn't believe when i told her) They were shocked and my uncle berated me for doing this and called me nuts cause my fiancee isn't even married to me yet so she and her son weren't yet family. I argued with them then I left. I noticed more relatives started berating me saying I ruined it for my brother. He'll resent me and I was being selfish and stupid to do that. They asked me to take my rose-colored glass off and realize that family remains but relationships like that (meaning fiancee) that are based on greed don't last and I'll admit they were right.

I don't regret what I've done for my brother. He needed me and I have always been supportive of him. But this wedding isn't really for him but for my parents image and trying to show it off to everyone. I'm sure my brother prefers a simple celebration but they control everything.

No. It's not a cultural thing. But more about looking good to outsiders.

I know I wasn't clear about why my family thinks my fiancee was with me because of money. It's because of my appearance. I have a burnscar that covers the side of my face and goes down my neck because of a car accident I had 3 years ago. It doesn't bother me. I feel confident enough to socialize and it's never been an issue. But my family keeps bringing it up like they're shocked my fiancee isn't bothered by that. I wanted to mention this but I hesitated because I wasn't sure what people are going to think. I'm sorry.




Tinkerrific 10185 S 8m


They wanted you to pay for your brother's wedding? Oh hell no! There's no where on planet earth where that's required. Your brother pays, his fiancee pays, and they should work with your parents and future FIL/MIL to see what they can contribute. No one else in the family should be expected to help, let alone be the sole source of funding.

I honestly think you should go no contact with your family. These people are just going to keep using you.

SwimmingGreen6925 3228 1h59m

I couldn't believe they called OP's relationship with fiancee the one based on greed...their kid is not a bank.

SpaceAgePotatoCakes 1548 2h27m

They're projecting

noblestromana 771 2h44m

It's fine for them to do it because "faaaammmiiillyy".

It's of for them to do it because "faaaammmiiillyy".

lovelychef87 250 5h21m

Hes your BRotHeR.....give him all your money.

noblestromana 127 5h24m

It's funny, but sadly not uncommon. My grandma does the same towards her golden child.

FallOutFan01 63 8h28m

“He’s your brother give him your business.”

That's a legitimate post from the last couple of days.

somerandom164 36 11h6m

HE'S ur BrOTher, giVe hIM yoR WIfE, FiRStborN sON, HoUSe, CAr, ANd YoUR JoB! HEs YunGeR, HE NEedS It! ITS Yur ReSPoNsIBILIty, He's FaMILy!

AfricanInRecovery 2 11h19m

Can you link it please?

FallOutFan01 3 15h12m

Sorry I can not find it it happened two or three days ago and since then there's been a lot of talk of posts that has been put on top of it since then.

SpaceAgePotatoCakes 66 3h12m


Witchywifey 20 6h23m

Biiiig time projecting here

thebrokestbroker 422 4h32m

Exactly. The audacity to say "she is only using you for her son" while they expect OP to pay for their son.... Wtf

cdizzle516 310 S 5h34m

Exactly. What absolute hypocrites!

This part really eats at me: “... relationships like that (meaning fiancee) that are based on greed don't last…”

How is demanding money for something non essential like a wedding at the expense of a little boy who could have a better life anything but based on greed?

Even if the relationship between OP and his fiancé was to break down, that doesn’t invalidate OPs relationship between himself and the son. Even if OP didn’t have a great relationship with that son, contributing money to help the son get a prosthetic leg is such a generous and kind thing to do.

The comments from OPs family invalidating his relationship with his fiancé also boil my blood. They are essentially telling OP that, because of the burn scar, they can’t imagine OPs fiancé wants him for anything but his money.

Resounding NTA.

CriticalFields 129 6h30m

Legit, if either of my kids grew up and did something like this out of love and empathy, without obligation... I'd be so fuckin proud! The kid could be a complete stranger and this would still be true. And selfishly, I'd get at least a decade out of patting myself on the back for raising such a kind and empathetic person. OP's parents managed to do it, completely by accident (on their part), and are mad about it??? That's wild.

cdizzle516 38 7h1m

“The kid could be a complete stranger and this would still be true”

This point exactly and very well said on the rest!

wannaseemymangina 59 9h1m

Also, even if the relationship with fiancé breaks down I know that I'd rather give a kid better quality of life for a few years rather than paying for a party for one day.

SpyGlassez 17 11h27m

Right? Even if the relationship breaks up, that doesn't mean he stops caring about her son, who he seems to genuinely love.

mary_jane1999 9 7h15m

How does your comment not have more upvotes?? This is the best break down of this situation that I've seen so far tbh

felixkahns 4 12h15m

If it comes down to nice wedding or HAVING A LEG, having a leg ALWAYS wins. Doesn't matter whose leg or whose wedding.

Stormywillow 111 5h31m

"No, OP! As your parents, ONLY we are intitled to treat you as an ATM!"

snowxwhites 22 7h17m

Exactly! They made him pay for his brothers medical expenses? WTAF?

Infinite-Animator620 66 5h8m

funny how they say that and then proceed to expect op to find their entire sons wedding

eggrollin2200 3 10h15m

EXACTLY. I read that part and I was like “Are y’all okay??”

lovelychef87 27 5h20m

Yet they expect all his money and free time.

riflow 6 6h35m

Right? He's a veritable piggy bank to these people.

MontiBurns 2 7h37m


Me neither, to me this post just screams /r/AITA bait

nitorita 449 2h13m

As soon as I read the title of the post, I already knew OP was NTA. Nothing should come ahead of an immediate family member who needs the money for their health. The brother and rest of family is TA for not having the heart to understand that. And they have no reason to get involved in OP's personal life either.

cherrycoloured 182 2h21m

the parents asked op for money, not the brother. we actually dont know what the brother thinks about this, or if he even knows what his parents are doing, as op didnt say. the brother could be an asshole, but its really the parents that are definitely, without a doubt, TA.

dcoleski 66 5h24m

I doubt the brother knows where the money was going to come from. Most like likely the parents would extort OP and then tell everyone they paid for the wedding. Now they are looking bad because the money “they” were paying will not be forthcoming. This has nothing to do with fiancee or stepson or anything else OP decided to spend his OWN money on. NTA.

cdizzle516 28 5h34m

I hope for OPs sake the brother has nothing to do with this mess.

OP you should talk to your brother about this directly. If he refuses to accept your money to contribute to his wedding then problem solved!

Feeling-Fab-U-Lus 119 3h28m

OP’s family are users. He has become the whipping boy, and scapegoat. OP sounds like a great giving person, but was once a co-dependent (which they loved-used and abused), but now sees the light! Good for you OP! Your fiancé and future son see you for you and not a usable plastic card. Glad you have a backbone. You have given enough to your parasitic family. You deserve a wonderful life with good, loving people around you! Money should go to you, your future son and wife, buying a home and YOUR wedding. Or spend recklessly and have fun, but not on your brother! Congrats on your new family! NTA

Edit:Thank you so much for the award!!

wilburstiltskin 76 4h56m

THIS. Getting your soon-to-be stepson a prosthetic leg will change the quality of his life. Using your money to pay for a wedding that isn't even your own is a waste by comparison.

Do what you have planned and let the golden boy pay for his own wedding.

carolinareader 27 6h47m

I honestly have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that people believe paying money for a wedding is as important as a prosthetic leg. One is actually unnecessary (people can get married without all the fuss) and the other is life changing.

lambchops0 18 7h24m

If my sibling and I were in this position I would be absolutely horrified if they paid for my wedding instead of giving their step son a prosthetic.

mbbaer 46 2h31m

Silly me, I assumed from the title that the poor kid had died and the family were mere vultures... but, no, it was worse.

The-Patriot420 27 2h45m

If there so worried about the wedding they should pay for it not op

thewhiterosequeen 26 2h50m

Yeah and after reading the title, the post was also clearly NTA. Seems to defeat the point in even posting when something is so obvious there's no room for OP to even have a doubt.

ImFinePleaseThanks 48 4h27m

It is hard when a herd of leeches is yelling at you and telling you otherwise.

squirrelfoot 44 4h40m

Where people are raised in dysfunctional families, they sometimes really doubt themselves. I think the OP may just need reassurance that he isn't the AH.

Hovercraft-Wise 30 5h8m

I always post this, but I also always think it's relevant. People can be extremely logical when thinking about strangers, but when it's the people who raised you, it's much harder for people to see clearly. And now OP has multiple family members telling him he's wrong. If nothing else, that can make even the strongest person start to doubt. In that case, getting a harmless reassurance from strangers who have absolutely no stake in the process or outcome actually makes a lot of sense.

Faeglantina 2 11h44m

That’s what gaslighting does. It’s meant to make you feel crazy, like you can’t trust your own perceptions or judgment. And it’s powerful.

duaadiddy 29 4h55m

It's easy for those of us outsiders to chime in objectively. However, if you're close to people like this and related to them and they're all telling you that you're TA, you will have doubts. OP is NTA to us but OP probably needs that reassurance.

menchekia 12 4h50m

Ikr? I still read it because I had to know on what planet that sentence would ever be uttered & you might maybe consider yourself an asshole.....

cloy23 9 4h36m

I'm with you, as soon I saw prosthetic leg then Wedding, I instantly thought NTA! The actual audacity of this 'family'.

a_wordless_scream 6 3h19m

same! you summed it up perfectly

SpyGlassez 2 11h31m

And to me, if OP had wanted to use the money for a PS5 and games for him and the step son, I would not have seen that as wrong either. A wedding is a want, not a need. Little Bro can work to get money, can take out a loan (bad idea but can be done), etc. Big Sibling doesn't have to bankroll that. It's not his responsibility.

Especially not when his family is telling him he's too ugly to get a woman. F* them all.

TACO503 280 3h44m

Hopping on the top comment to tell OP to check out Shriners Hospitals.

They only work with children who have neuro-muscular-skeletal diseases or issues and they may be able to not only help with the prosthetic but also help with new ones as he grows. Even if you’re not close to one they will help with transportation if they decide they can help your stepson.

I used to work at one and the stuff they did to help kids like your stepson was pretty amazing.

ineedanewname2 45 5h55m

Seconding Shriners! Had a life changing surgery there as a kid.

hazelowl 28 6h33m

Cosigned. I also worked at Shriners, including at one of the orthopedic hospitals. They are amazing. They've expanded their practices some so do take a variety of cases and ability to pay is not an issue.

GreggeSB 22 5h53m

Yes. They will certainly help. My wife and son were both patients. Definitely NTA.

-Coffeespoons- 13 6h39m

Yes, my Dad refers his spina bifida patients there all the time. They're great.

Sagoskatt- 200 2h16m

On top of that, OP is also engaged so he has his own wedding to pay for

cdizzle516 15 5h36m

This exactly.

rifkalunadoesthehula 150 2h41m

So... lemme get this right... OP is "greedy" cus he won't pay for bros wedding according to their parents. As a parent if I had the audacity to ask my child for anything like that I better 1. Not lie and 2. Wonder where the hell i went wrong.

OP, your NTA and if you can cut them (parents) off and talk to your bro (which from your post it sounds like he's a nice guy) I would seek grief and relationship counseling. Your gonna grieve the parents you cut off, should you decide too and relationship counseling to keep your relationship with your fiancée and future son strong. Good on you for talking the money back and doing good with it. :)

noblestromana 87 2h43m

I have heard of parentification, but this is on a whole nother level.

Runkysaurus 69 4h11m

Also, they expect OP to blow a huge amount of money on a 1 day party instead of putting it towards another person's health?! Like seriously, idk how people can struggle to understand this! A wedding is nice if you can afford it, but at the end of the day it won't matter if you had a huge lavish wedding or a tiny backyard ceremony (PS: I had a backyard wedding, spent less than 5k total, including buying my wedding dress and cost of our honeymoon. It was absolutely perfect and I have never regretted going small and simple!) However, getting someone a prosthesis can drastically change their lives. Op is talking about improving his step son's mobility. Seriously OP, frame it this way: which is more important the health of my son, or a party? Anyone who would say spending money on a wedding is more important than the health of your son is a complete AH and you should cut them off. Nta!

darthvadercake 2 6h1m

Everyone is different, and there is 100% nothing wrong with a backyard wedding. Just wanted to note that a lot of people wouldn't consider 15K a lavish wedding. It's a lot of money for sure and by no means a shabby wedding, but if you have 50 - 60 guests, outfits, flowers, dinner for everyone, a dj, photographer, make up person, good venue, cake etc, you can spend that pretty easily. There are people who spend twice or three times that to get what a lot of people would consider lavish.

I would say asking for 15K is wanting to make an impression and treat your guests without going for 'cheap' solutions, but still being somewhat responsible with how much you are spending and who you invite.

Runkysaurus 6 6h50m

Oh for sure! When we priced wedding options 15k was about an average sized nice wedding in our area but not super lavish. I mainly think if you are planning a wedding you should stick within your budget, whatever you decide that is. But asking OP to prioritize a wedding (which is literally just a nice party) over his son's health is not acceptable. They can have a smaller wedding, it's not a huge deal compared to getting the medical care his son needs

zz8000 24 4h43m

Continue to work on strengthening your boundries and see a therapist if needed. Your family is very abusive and manipulative. Your family is willing to destroy your life for their own personal gain. Keep standing your ground. You owe them nothing.

Continue to work on strengthening your boundries and see a therpist if needed. You family is very abusive and manipulative. Your family is willing to destroy your life for their own personal gain. Keep standing your ground. You owe them nothing.

sarcasticomens12 20 5h18m

Throw the whole family away, except Auntie.

OddAdministration571 16 4h44m

Yeah! I missed the part where the brother isn't an adult and has a job and unable to save. The title really says it all and the term "golden child" really says it all

Murky_Table_358 16 5h28m


Please OP. You have a new family to care for and you cannot let yourself be put under emotional duress by your old one any longer.

Chasingdragons39 7 4h34m

What the heck does little brother say? Does he condone this? Making you pay for his wedding after knowing how you feel? This is insane. NTA

WeeklyConversation8 6 3h0m

I agree. I do find part of this story hard to believe though. A minor can't take another minor to the Doctor. They need a parent or guardian there to go over care with and to make medical decisions.

fluffybun-bun 19 6h18m

There is an 8 year difference. When OP was 18, his brother was only 10 and parents can set up appointments and be available to discuss treatment, but still have someone else take their child to appointments. My grandmother used to take one of my cousins to the doctor when he was ill as a child. My aunt and uncle were available by phone or for in office consults regarding treatment my grandma just provided transportation. My aunt and uncle were busy professionals and needed help. Grandma had no part in deciding his treatment. It’s possible OP was in a similar situation, driving but making no medical decisions.

Austin101___ 15 3h19m

I think what he means by that is once he started driving probably his brother was a teenager at the time. It's very likely.

WeeklyConversation8 5 3h31m

At 16 his brother would have been 8. Even if he was 18, brother would have been 10.

Austin101___ 5 3h38m

Maybe when Op was in his 20s you can't be sure since he didn't specify.

WeeklyConversation8 2 3h49m


k-rizzle01 3 6h38m

Not the case for many kids that have parents that work. Many children from about 8 take themselves to the doctor after school and many parents sit in the waiting room and don’t go in the examination room. A minor can absolutely take a minor to the doctor. There is no medical decisions to really make at the doctor no procedures are happening immediately for the most part.

WeeklyConversation8 2 7h4m

I never once saw a child in 23 years at the Pediatrician's office by themselves or with a teenager. They always had a parent or guardian with them.

comptchr 2 7h17m

My kids both took themselves once they could drive. I would go if they asked or was available by phone, but they need to be able to learn to explain themselves to medical professionals and they deserve privacy, too.

mrsspanky 2 6h16m

I don’t know where you live, but in the US, that just isn’t true. I used to take my sisters to doctor and dentist appointments when I was 16. I wasn’t taking them to like, a surgical procedure or anything but I went with them to get their braces tightened, acne appointments, just random scheduled stuff. That was the whole premise of my parents paying my car insurance was that I’d help cart my siblings to after school things that my parents would otherwise have to leave work for.

Atypical_Mom 4 4h39m

I also didn’t understand how they could tell him that family comes before “those” kinds of relationships.... do they mean like the kind they want him to pay for?!?

tara_diane 3 6h24m

This is one of those few where based on title alone, NTA. Don't even need to read the details. FFS it never ceases to amaze me the way families treat each other.

darthvadercake 2 5h52m

What sticks out to me most is that both brothers are engaged. Nobody in this family seems to consider that if OP is paying for his brothers wedding, the brother, or at least the parents, should contribute in equal amounts to OP wedding. The inequality seems to be so 'normal' to them all they don't even notice it any more.

HambdenRose 2 6h11m

It's time to tell the family that resentment goes two ways. You resent being lied to and used by them. Tell them that they are trying to use you in the way that they claim that your fiance is using you. Tell them you are tired of being used, you are resentful of being used and you are done being used.

topania 2 6h35m

The only person asking OP to take care of their son is his own mother. No contact with this whole family.

HotAudience6110 2862 8m

NTA they are using you, manipulating you and ruining your shot of having a happy life. You should go no contact. I almost never recommend going no contact with family but yours is very toxic and preventing you from having normal relationships and building your own life. Your fiancé and your step-son are your priority. And frankly paying for a wedding and a prosthetic leg so the boy can have an ordinary life doesn’t compare.

SammySamXxX 1994 S 33m

Yes. It's difficult trying to constantly fight with family but I'm tired and I can't take anymore of this. They're probably in my brother's ear right now telling him that I don't care about him anymore and such but my stepson deserves a normal life like any other kid. Life is passing by and I really want him to be able to do the things he couldn't do before once he gets a prosthetic leg. He's excited about it. Keeps asking a lot of questions which is heartwarming and it saddens me he never got the opportunity to get it sooner.

Aradene 1186 1h21m

Cut contact with your parents, and only talk to your brother directly (if you want a relationship with him still) and your aunt who is the MVP of your family for having the guts to tell you you were being manipulated.

All_names_taken-fuck 196 3h24m

Yes! Block all family and talk to your brother directly.

biomortality 85 6h4m

This. OP, you and brother are both adults. If you want a relationship with him, do it directly with him. If he wants to believe what other people say about you, then that’s his issue, but it’s obvious that you can’t trust your parents to communicate fairly on your behalf.

NTA btw. Set boundaries and stick with them.

ladyblack7 569 1h27m


This right here, OP? This is a classic technique used by familial abusers to maintain control over their family members. It's a way of isolating you and keeping you tethered to only them and no one else. Don't give in to it. Your family is now your fiancé and new son. They come first. The quality of life for your son is so much more important than a fancy party for your brother.

wrosmer 348 S 1h52m

Also they are pretty high and mighty calling fiancee greedy when they're the ones trying to get op to pay for an entire damn wedding

Gullible_Dish_5123 128 2h33m

They are projecting like a multiplex here!

OP, they know relationships based on wanting someone else's money won't last - and they know that's exactly what they are doing to you. They're just trying to keep you trapped as long as they can because setting up a new person in your role would take time and effort and not work for as long if they start on an adult.

Are there any family members / family friends who have been disowned or have gone noncontact with your family before? If so, you may want to try and get in touch with them because they likely used to be treated the same way you have been.

ImNotBothered80 51 2h42m

They are projecting like a multiplex here!

I love it. Will definitely use this.

cdizzle516 6 5h38m

Came to say exactly this!

Harlequin2021 17 3h46m

I second this comment. I’ve reached out to other family that has gone no contact from a toxic fam member and all have echoed the same behavior that I have witnessed and cut ties for. If you get their “old friends” that never come around any more to start talking, they’d probably say something similar too. EDIT: typo

chuckiestealady 18 4h3m

“Yes, your relationship with me based on greed is DREADFULLY unhealthy and CERTAINLY won’t last. Bye!”

CastIronKettle 205 1h36m

Your priorities are in order.

One thing - - I would recommend looking into charities that help with kid's prosthetics. You are right, he totally deserves to live his life like a normal kid. But him growing could also make it difficult and/or prohibitively expensive to keep up the upgrades. Plus, he will still need help with his leg when he is a full grown adult, but he likely has access to certain charity options only now, because he is still a child. They likely won't cover everything, but look in to it!!!

Algebralovr 69 2h11m

This 100% Look into charities!

It is highly likely that charities (Shriners come to mind) will assist if not totally provide a prosthetic for the young person, along with other medical help.

CleanAssociation9394 30 2h56m

And getting involved in those groups, as a family, will be very rewarding and a great bonding experience.

Ikajo 2 4h33m

Or move to Europe... that sort of thing is free is just about any European country. It is considered a human right. In all Nordic countries healthcare for children is financed entirely through taxes and all children receive free health and dental care.

apple_pendragon 1 4h41m

I don't even live in Europe and my country pays for prosthetics. Living in the USA sounds like a nightmare...

Ikajo 1 4h43m

Like a dystopia from some sort of Sci-Fi story

dzula 1 4h48m

Or move to Europe...

As if moving there is that easy lol.

Ikajo 2 4h50m

For an American? Pretty easy. Especially if they have job. In Sweden everyone can access the healthcare. Regardless of nationality. And you can definitely get a two year work visa.

xjga 49 1h44m

You went above and beyond your role as a sibling <3 to being full time nanny and being exploited all the time 😩 Classic narcissists. You dont have to financially contribute to anything of brother's. It is the parents' responsibility because they brought him into this world. You need to stop being their scapegoat and cash cow. u/CastIronKettle has brought up looking into charities that help with kid's prosthetics. Hope you give us an update once stepson gets his!

ETA Fiancee and stepson do come across as normal and grateful people from being surprised you'd help stepson with prosthetics. Enjoy your new family and remember the blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb!


MdmeLibrarian 48 2h41m


This is called triangulation and is a favored tactic of abusers. They're altering communication between two parties and controlling it. Talk directly to your brother without your mother/father involved.

unmistakeable_duende 42 2h40m

Are you in the United States? There are organizations that will help kids get prosthetics. https://www.shrinershospitalsforchildren.org/shc/pediatric-orthopaedics

Suitable-Amount2262 20 1h54m

Nta. Please update us on any developments! Dont back down to your parents because they suck

Small_Bag_6494 18 3h11m

Please don't have him think a prosthetic leg will make him able to walk right away. It's a long and hard road, it takes time to get the right fit and learn how to use it. The younger he is, the easier he'll learn though.

One tip, he might try to keep it on longer and more then he should. It's hard not too. But the pressure on the leg causes spots to become painful and pushing to far results in so much pain that he has to keep it of a few days. Be mindfull of that. Removing it a bit early and being able to put it back on later or the next day is better then being back on crutches/in his chair.

halfling_vic 14 1h56m

They are projecting their morals on your fiancee. Saying that she is using you when it is clearly them who only care about your financial support.

skydiamond01 10 3h17m

How the hell was it EVER your responsibility to pay for your brother's anything?! Your parents are screwed up individuals. Also your brother is an adult and getting married, why is he still relying on big brother and not taking care of his damn self?! I'd cut contact and block all of them except your aunt. She's the only decent one in the group. At least she was honest with you about the wedding money.

LisaW481 10 3h19m

Start doing some math and figure out how much money you've spent on your brother and point it out. There's a reason your aunt called to warn you about the lie.

LightningMom 10 4h26m

OP- which one of them is paying for YOUR wedding? Why would you pay for your brother’s wedding when you have your own (and a prosthesis) to pay for.


stats_padford 9 2h2m


A lot of projection from them accusing your fiance & step-son of being greedy when they're the ones demanding thousands of dollars from you.

Chasingdragons39 7 4h38m

Dude, get that kid one of those superhero prosthetic blades and watch him take on the world! (I know those are for running, I was just excited for OP and the kid)

You want to smile ear-to-eat forever? Let your stepson have that gift and watch him use it to become a man you will be proud of. Some cancers we can’t just get rid of. Some cancers are family and we can easily cut them out.

Apprehensive_Maybe13 7 4h49m

OP - What does your brother say about all this? 🤔 I think having a one on one heart to heart with your brother. Let him know you will contribute your time and support toward his wedding and marriage, but not financial support. If he cannot accept that, I think you have your answer. You are a sibling and in no way responsible to pay for your siblings wedding.

purekittyluv 6 2h29m

Your brother is an adult and needs to care for himself like one. You're not his parent. This is not a normal or healthy relationship.

petillo64 3 3h43m

If your brother is old/mature enough to get married, then he should also be mature enough to identify what is going on and stand on his own two.

Marriage is difficult, even with the right partner... if he can’t figure this out on his own and respect/appreciate all you have done for him, then lord help him in navigating a lifelong relationship with a woman.

Focus on your happiness and the life you have created for yourself. Establish clear boundaries and after time, help when you feel willing/able.

mrsspanky 2 6h20m

Of course it’s difficult, it’s the only life you’ve ever known. The hardest thing for me was realizing that, yes, my mom is going to say nasty things about me when I’m not there to defend myself... and adults (your brother included) need to learn who to trust, and who not to trust. You’ve done a LOT for your brother, more than most siblings are expected to do, and if your brother hasn’t learned by now that actions speak louder than words (and money!) then he isn’t going to learn. You sticking around just to keep getting taken advantage of and manipulated isn’t going to make your life - or your new family’s life easier. Find a therapist, this is going to be hard. I feel for you. But 100% emphatically you are NTA.

heyitsfranklin6322 2 6h22m

If suggest showing your brother these comments. Your parents doing this can also hurt him as well in a weird way so I hope he's aware of it. It also sounds like your brother isn't shitty like your parents but he's still at risk for being manipulated by them.

mrsjavey 1 2h38m


_maynard 1 5h25m

Have you spoken to your brother directly? He didn’t even ask you for any money based on what you’ve said here. Wouldn’t he understand?

AhniJetal 41 1h40m


Family is indeed family and we all make mistakes and should tolerate each other more from time to time and be more forgiving when we get hurt by family members. So ging LC or NC should be the last resort.

But sometimes it is necessary to just cut that branch of (or cut the main branch and keep the small branches from that big one, which is not the best metaphor for this but I hope anyone reading this will get what I mean 😅)

This is definitely such an occasion to go at least LC and if OP goes NC it is still certainly understandable.

Prioritising a wedding (where the couple themselves can choose how much it costs!) over a prosthetic leg that will be lifechanging for a young boy? Prosthetic leg all the way! Ok, a marriage is lifechanging as well and should be celebrated, but the lifechanging part is the married life, and not the actual day (nor party) of the wedding.

Btw: the entitlement of asking 15K to contribute to a wedding is... wow! 🤯 (and that's ignoring the horrible way how the parents tried to make OP pay for it all. Like...WTF?!!)

Suitable-Amount2262 28 1h56m

No. If your family drives you to the point where you're even thinking about no contact that says something

Op is being abused and no contact is almost necessary

AhniJetal 6 4h39m

That's... what I meant (Or trying to convey)

NoisyTummy 33 17m

Second this.

OP, sounds like you’re doing a great job being a parent for your kid, don’t let those AH get in the way of having a loving and happy family

LittleStarClove 27 1h2m

They were projecting so hard, they could be a cineplex.

ImStealingTheTowels 1225 10m



But it's ok for her to use you to provide for her son?

Your family are a bunch of hypocrites and you'd be better off telling them all to pound sand.

Your family are bunch of hypocrites and you'd be better off telling them all to pound sand.

Livingeachdayatedge 149 1h37m

Ofcourse because blood /s

depetir 87 1h44m

They talk about how fiancée's relationship is "based on greed" as if they aren't the greedy ones! They are being ridiculous

Half_Man1 28 5h12m

The projection is so glaringly obvious it’s ridiculous.

This should be used as an example to teach psych students.

SparklyPineTree 15 5h28m

Exactly! And even if the fiance was hypothetically using him for the money, giving an amputee (and a kid) a leg is a million times better than for your entitled brother's wedding. There is no universe where this is okay.

pstrocek 2 1d5h7m

I'm not sure about OP's brother being entitled. Notice how the post doesn't really mention if the brother reacted in any way or even knew what was going on.

It's entirely possible OP's parents told the younger brother that they'll pay for the wedding and are guilt-tripping the older brother to cover for them while planning to take credit.

Who knows, maybe the younger brother and his fiancée are also being pushed around by the parents. If he's their poster child, they are probably very focused on making his wedding just like they (the parents) want it.

I'd really love to hear more about what OP's brother really is like and what he thinks about the situation.

SparklyPineTree 3 1d23h21m

I see your point, but OP mentions that he is the "Golden Child". While I'm not generalizing, most golden children get what they want from a young age, and grow to understand that they can get what they want through their parents. While it's not the brother's fault, there's still a high chance that he is entitled anyways.

Of course, it's impossible to make any kind of decision as a stranger on the internet, because you can never really get the whole story.

Even if the brother was being guilt-tripped, paying for a child amputee's leg is a better use of money than a wedding.

pstrocek 2 1d23h40m

If the brother doesn't really want the wedding and thought the parents are paying for it, it would really help them both if they compared the stories they get from the parents.

OP shouldn't pay for the wedding either way, of course.

pudge-thefish 527 5m

NTA child needs a leg is more important then anyone wanting a wedding.

I would say even if the child was a stranger paying for his leg over a wedding is a good choice

Anxious-Marketing525 302 1h44m

And give OP is engaged surely the order goes:

  1. His step son's prosthetic leg
  2. OPs own wedding
  3. Younger brother's wedding if OP wants to contribute
P0TAT0O0 113 5h21m

I didn’t even think about that!

When it’s time for OPs wedding, I can guarantee that his family will

A)not offer to pay whatsoever

B)want OP to let his brother decide specifics of the wedding to make sure he is happy

C)disrespect OPs fiancé and stepson

D) pretend they where absolutely amazing parents to OP with no favoritism whatsoever


alskellington 85 1h39m


I can't wrap my head around how anyone could think a fancy, expensive party for a grown man (who doesn't even seem to want it according to OP) is more important than helping a disabled child get a needed prosthetic... NTA, OP.

GlitchPro27 43 4h2m


That's what I was thinking. Even if worse comes to worst and the family are right and the fiancee is just a gold digger(not enough info to rule it out, but from the information provided there aren't any real red flags at least), OP's money will have gone to greatly improving a child's life. There's far worse ways to spend your money... Like funding a party (wedding) during a global pandemic.

Perspex_Sea 3 11h46m


Even if OP had no specific purpose for his money there's not reason why he should pay for his brother's wedding, that's not a thing.

Leota13 494 7m

NTA. It is not your responsibility to provide a wedding for your brother. I would say your parents have already milked you dry as far as he's concerned. Feel free to go no contact with people who only see you as a vehicle for funding their own responsibilities.

dreadedbeedee 107 23m



nl_cs 346 16m

NTA. A kid's medical needs are more important than a party

SammySamXxX 298 30m

Absolutely. It's very clear that my parents are the ones who want an expensive party and are being unreasonable with the wedding cost. They lied to me about the whole family paying but that wasn't true.

MakosUnited 101 58m

Your family sound so callous and ridiculous. We never know what's going to happen in the future but I can't imagine you'll ever regret helping a child, that you love, to walk.

TitaniaT-Rex 37 1h58m

I question how they would throw a wedding in March that costs over $10k without actually having the money in hand? Florists, venues, caterers, etc all require hefty deposits or full payment by this point. It seems fishy. Also, what percentage of the wedding did you think you were contributing?

The whole situation is absolutely ridiculous. There’s no way you are the asshole for prioritizing your son. You are not doing yourself any favors by entertaining your mom’s unreasonable requests.

I question how they would throw a wedding in March that costs over $10k without actually having the money in hand. Florists, venues, caterers, etc all require hefty deposits or full payment by this point. It seems fishy. Also, what percentage of the wedding did you think you were contributing?

Aradene 17 2h41m

Might have been a brother pays for the deposits then parents give OPs money for final payments (claiming it’s from the whole family or just them). If the brother and wife booked things expecting that money it would also explain why the family is saying the wedding is now ruined- brother can’t afford the full costs. Also OPs parents saying $15k initially, makes me think they promised that. If it were just a fundraiser call you don’t say “hey, contribute this much,” it’s usually “hey, how much can you contribute? You can do better, uncle joe put in $xyz!”

jake63vw 7 5h27m

Yeah that's probably it. Told the little brother the family would cover it for them, expecting to have OP fork over the cash. Now that the cash won't be there, they're all scrambling.

Maleficent_Ad_3958 24 1h30m

I'd tell all your other relatives that if they want a big party so bad THEY can pay for it.

hoodhippieboymom 8 3h44m

Good thing your aunt told you the truth! She’s the only relative I would keep in contact with

NomadicFragments 3 3h30m

I hope that you're able to talk to and keep a healthy relationship with your brother, despite it all! There's only so much gaslighting your parents can do and im sure little bro realizes and appreciates you being so involved in his life.

cerart939 2 5h55m

Maybe I haven't seen a comment yet, but have you talked to your brother directly?

amindiyo 2 6h35m

even IF there wasn’t a medical condition your son was dealing with... you have a fiancée, so i’m guessing you’re planning a wedding as well? why does he get 10-15k of your money for his wedding when that could go towards yours?

good for you for taking care of your son. that is going to mean a hell of a lot more to him than your brother’s wedding is going to mean to any of your family/families image. what you’re doing for your son is life changing. it sounds like you’ve done enough for your brother, considering YOU paid his medical bills.

jeffy-lube 266 15m


This one is interesting because there are so many angles as to how you're not the asshole.

People trying to tell you what to do with your money? Boom NTA.

People lying to your face? Boom NTA.

People asking for an absolutely shocking amount of money? Boom NTA.

Abby_cadabby22 135 1h25m

People prioritizing a giant party over your child getting a leg he needs? Boom NTA.

Sandikal 18 3h24m

That one goes first.

littlebuffkin 146 4m

Info: is there something wrong with your brother? Like medically? Or why is he not expected to provide for himself?

SleuthingSloth009 150 17m

Even if there was, how does a parentified, financially abused man owe a wedding to his brother more than a prosthetic leg to his son?

littlebuffkin 59 27m

Completely agree, more just trying to wrap my brain around any thread of logic in all of this because it seems ridiculous.

Gullible_Dish_5123 32 2h39m

Former parentfied child here: It's actually more likely for this type of abuse to happen to the disabled kid in service of a non- / less-disabled sibling.

littlebuffkin 4 3h34m

Good point

CorianderSuuucks 2 8h23m

Also my question.

Op NTA either way. You have a son, he comes before any party. Smh.

wickedlucky214 94 5m

Nta. Prosthetic leg trumps wedding everyday. Plus, your money - your choice.

passthealcohol 64 5m

NTA. I'm not sure if there's a cultural reason why they feel you have such a big responsibility to your brother. His wedding, his problem.

I struggle with people having to contribute to other people's weddings. If you want to get married you pay for it. It's not for everyone else to foot the bill.

ICWhatsNUrP 57 23m

NTA. You are prioritizing the family you chose, your fiancee and your stepson.

relationships like that, that are based on greed don't last and I'll admit they were right.

You know what a relationship based on greed looks like? When the parents expect their oldest child to shell out $15K for his younger brother's wedding while everyone else contributes nothing. OP, they are financially abusing you and I wouldn't pay them a single cent for the rest of your life. Goo be happy with your fiancee and stepson.

RobertHogg 45 7m

NTA - it doesn't matter if you wanted to spend your own money on cornflakes, 10k is an absurd amount of money to even think about spending on someone else's wedding.

paintedislands 37 9m


Your parents are toxic. You were not put on this earth to be a care/finance provider for your brother. 10k is an alarmingly large amount of money to be scammed out of, especially for a wedding that is not yours. If you don’t cut contact with your family, you need to be careful and set hard boundaries. You are an adult with your own responsibilities now, as you stated yourself. Your family is using you, they have been since your brother was born. Good luck, OP. Hopefully this doesn’t get any worse.

marjomind 35 5m

NTA, you are not his parent nor responsible for him. Does your brother even bother to speak to you directly or has the decency to do anything for himself?

I'm so happy your (step)son got you in his life, as you have lots of experience being a parent (unfortunately).

CastielAOTL 34 54m

[My brother] needed me and I have always been supportive of him.

No, OP, your brother did not need you. He needed his parents. It is parents' jobs to raise their kids. It is not the job of their other children. I'm glad that you don't resent your brother at all, but the fact is, you've been used your whole life as a third parent when you were a kid yourself. You've already given up a good chunk of your life and childhood for your brother; you don't have to and shouldn't give any more. If your brother is a decent person, he should realize that what your parents did to you was wholly unfair and won't resent you for refusing at all. If not, then maybe you need to reevaluate your status in his life and whether it's in your best interest to be a part of it. NTA

Gullible_Dish_5123 11 2h49m


I am in my thirties and still unlearning this in therapy. My siblings did not need ME, we all needed OUR PARENTS. My parents and OP's parents should never have neglected their kids to the point of one kid taking on the role of parent to the other/s.

iOnlyUseShotties 28 4h12m

Can we please stop allowing posts that are no context on the NTA scale

CoxBJT 27 8m

NTA. Asking you to contribute 15k to a wedding is absurd. If your parents, the bride’s parents, nor your brother or his bride have it they should plan a wedding they can afford. It’s not their business how you spend your money. I think the only mistake you made may be telling them how you are spending it.

NTA. Asking you to contribute 15k to a wedding is absurd. If your parents, the bride’s parents, not your brother or his bride have it they should plan a wedding they can afford. It’s not their business how you spend your money. I think the only mistake you made may be telling them how you are spending it.

firefightersgirl76 23 2h44m

INFO: why do they assume you are only lovable if you buy things for your future wife? I'm playing devil's advocate... Do they have reason to dislike her OTHER than your money is not going to them?

SammySamXxX 53 2h55m

My family think that because of my appearance, I have a burnscar that is visible on the right side of my face but it never affected me as they thought it would. I had a car accident 3 years ago and I was injured but not badly. I don't think it's even an issue but they keep claiming that my fiancee is only trying to use me to provide for her and my stepson.

JennaLS 36 3h27m

So you are a walking wallet to your family. Gotcha

PattyPatata 21 5h46m

Your parents really are toxic on every level.... They manage to hurt you and her in one shot, implying that you're not lovable because of your scar. Seems that they have a lot of issue that they are projecting on your gf... You owe them nothing, they did bring you into this crazy world. You already gave them a lot of your time and attention, stop it, time to invest in your family - the one that take what you give as a gift, and not as a due...

tanglisha 12 6h47m

Looks do matter that much to some people. They don't to everyone. It sounds like you already know this through your own experience.

Your family is trying to make you believe that they're the only people who could possibly care about you. This is a common abusive tactic.

I went through most of my life thinking my mom was kind of weird, but that I'd had a pretty normal childhood. I was in my thirties before a series of events led me to find out that I'd been abused throughout my childhood. Normal to a child is what they're used to, not what's normal in society.

I'm going to take a guess that there are one or two main people driving all of this, and that the rest are going along to keep that one or two people from getting upset and making their own lives difficult.

Please seek out a therapist. I found it immensely helpful to gain some perspective on my own experiences and to separate what's normal from what's not.

Also, keep your chosen family away from your biological family. Even if you decide not to break contact, there's no way they're going to treat your fiance and son with the love and respect they deserve.

firefightersgirl76 8 6h7m

Now that's simply horrible. I'm so sorry. Even if she is it's your decision where to spend your money. You are NTA and actually a hero to a little guy!

jem1173 7 12h59m

Their words say more about them and their character (or lack thereof) than they do your fiancée.

A lot of rude folks commented on my relationship with my last boyfriend because they felt he wasn’t as conventionally attractive as me.

They were too superficial to see he was also smart, kind, talented, hard working, loyal, gentle, funny, interesting, fun. And he had a smile that could light up a room. When I looked at him, he was always beautiful to me.

Don’t let haters get in the way of your happiness.

Throwawaytillforever 2 7h54m

Drop contact

Melodramatic_Raven 22 22m

NTA. Your parents and brother are the ones using you, not your fiancée. Even if it wasn't absurd to try to make you be the one to pay for your brother's wedding (which it is, the brother should have saved up for this and it's parents who are supposed to help their kids they're using you financially) it's extra absurd to claim that a wedding, something they CHOSE to do, could possibly be more important than improving your stepson's quality of life.

Glad you have a lovely fiancée and stepson tho!

dlogos13 20 11m

INFO What does this mean?

relationships like that (meaning fiancé) that are based on greed don’t last and I’ll admit they were right.


Specifically what does this part mean:

I'll admit they were right.

Gullible_Dish_5123 15 2h45m

His family think that his fiancee will stick with him only long enough to get money for her son and then dump him. They believe this is inevitable, apparently entirely based on nothing except the kid's disability

dlogos13 6 3h8m

Yes, they believe that, but what does OP mean by

I'll admit they were right.

Gullible_Dish_5123 13 3h38m

I read that as being part of OP's paraphrase of what the family said.

OP is saying that they think he will in the future "admit they were right" not that he currently thinks they are right about any of this.

dlogos13 2 3h42m

That makes more sense.

Plenty_Metal_1304 2 4h1m

I think it means that he agrees that a relationship based on greed aka only for the money, wont last. His parents believe that his fiancee is only in it for the money which op doesn't believe. It is pretty ironic since they are the ones that want money from op, not his fiancee. They even lied to him about everyone pitching in with money for his brother's wedding which he wouldn't have found out if it wasn't for his aunt.

MountShiroi 20 14m

NTA. It appears you finally got a backbone and stopped your family from using you as a cash cow. If you brother wants to get married, he can go down to the local county office and do it for free. His problems are not your problems; do not inherit them.

Applebyte28 16 8m

At the end of the day it's your money and you can choose to do whatever you like with it. If supporting your fiance's son is what give you most joy then go for it.

I've not heard of many brothers supporting wedding expenses for siblings, let alone that magnitude. That would be more your parents responsibility. Were your parents set to contribute to your wedding?

NTA. Do with your money what you please

vanastalem 16 20m

NTA. He needs a prosthetic leg for a better quality of life. You brother does not need an expensive wedding.

u2125mike2124 16 1h5m



What does your brother think? Is he expecting you to pony up the monies? Or is this driven by your crappy parents ?

FinnTheRabbit 3 3h41m

Was looking for this question. Agreed, NTA. Where is the brother in all of this?

Prestigious_Tip_1104 15 12m

NTA. Your brother is not your priority or responsibility. There should not be any guilt whatsoever and if the family decides to make you out to be the bad guy, you do not need those kind of people in your life. You have enabled your parents to guilt you into previously being a defecto father- you are now an actual father and good for you on taking a stand.

Cato_95BC 15 15m

NTA x 100.

Stay firm with your boundaries. You have no obligation to contribute to your brother’s wedding. Helping your stepson is a much better use of your money in my opinion (but my opinion, just like your family’s, doesn’t matter; yours does!).

carrieberry 3 49m

ABSOLUTELY NTA. That prosthetic leg will be SO much more appreciated than some fancy wedding for an ungrateful family.

Agent-c1983 14 10m


Its time to see if they're right. Do relationships based on greed survive? From my perspective your family had better hope so because they seem extremely greedy.

GothPenguin 12 14m

NTA-Family does come first. In this case the family that comes first is your stepson and fiancée.

SleuthingSloth009 12 15m

NTA Prosthetic Leg>Marriage Son>Brother

Your family parentified and financially abused you for years. They're a disgrace.

Drgerm87 12 6h31m


This story isn't real. Stop falling for all the other so obvious feel good fluff posts. Mods please ban throwaway accounts that make one post here and never have any other activity.

newyne 3 15h8m

Lol, I came here from Sarah Z's new video about Fake Tumblr stories/anti-SJW skeptics, which lead to aita. I'd been thinking I hadn't seen any posts from here for a while, thought I'd check to see if I could find any juicy ones, and oh, boy, this is a whopper!

I don't know how that would work, though, because some people might actually have real shit they don't want linked to their main accounts.

WineOrDeath 10 16m


Sounds like your brother and his fiancee hasn't no idea how to stick to a budget of they need this much money from other people. It is not your responsibility to teach him how to be responsible with his own budgeting.

Your family has some serious toxicity going on there. You should consider talking to a therapist on how to set and enforce proper boundaries with them, including sebring ties if they are not able to respect them.

So sorry you are having to deal with this! But I am really glad for your son and fiancee that you, unlike your family, know how to truly prioritize family.

maggienetism 10 36m

NTA. He's twenty-five and they're adults - surely they can do any necessary providing for themselves as you look after your minor stepson.

CinnamonPumpkin13 10 3h24m

Okay, even if you didnt know the kid, YOU ARE NEVER THE ASSHOLE FOR BUYING A CHILD A PROSTHETIC LIMB. Even if you were doing it purely to spite your family, i would never call you an asshole for it. And im so sorry that this happened. For gods sakes, you were 8 when it started. A second grader. Nta.

OmertaHere 9 47m


However, this is all centered around your brother's wedding but I do not see anything about his reaction or his words. Have you even talked to him? Cause the only thing we see about his opinion is you "I'm sure my brother prefers a simple wedding" but what are his exact words regarding this all?

WritPositWrit 9 5h50m

Why are there so many “prosthetic leg” posts in AITA? Is it the same person writing them over and over??

bighaircutforbigtuna 8 6h0m

This sub has fallen off the deep end. How anyone could think they were the asshole in this situation is beyond me. Most of the posts in here are like this now “My brother shot my fiancé, and now he’s not invited to the wedding. AITA?”

RB1327 8 18m

NTA, but this whole situation sounds like there is a lot of cultural influence involved. If not you wouldn't have been going along with this the whole time, or coming here to post the question about who is an asshole (it's obvious they are and not you).

Go get married if that's their objection about it, the end. Or don't get married and do what you want anyway and just deal with the consequences.

KeepLkngForIntllgnce 8 35m


A child’s future versus anyone’s one “special” day - is not a choice. No matter what other relationship problems you have.

Relevant-Economy-927 8 48m

Nta. They talk a big game about family, but seems like they don’t treat you like family, only as someone to get things from.

I’d focus on your fiancé and starting that family.

No-Page3974 8 3h7m

NTA your parents suck! Your auntie is mvp. Glad she told you. Your fiancée and step son sound more like family than your family. Your son's prosthetic leg is more important than a wedding. Good on you. Cut ties or at least LC.

Torgenator3000 8 6h3m

In my eyes, you would be an asshole for spending your money on a wedding when a child you consider family desperately needs a prosthetic leg.

Vogel88888888 2 6h13m

My thought process is the stepson is 13 so he hasn't hit his growth spurt yet so they're better off getting him a slightly cheaper one and saving the rest of the money to get more slightly cheaper ones as he grows out of them then hopefully get him a nice one once he's stopped growing. Unless there's a really nice leg that can be adjusted a whole bunch in the upcoming years

TypicalManagement680 7 50m

NTA I think it’s time for NC with those who using you and those who are berating you. They’re schemers and liars.

mmms444 7 55m

Nta. From your post, it sounds like this is all from your parents and other family members ( excluding your brother and aunt) they are the freeloaders. They used you for money. You should go no contact with all the people demanding money

transmom2 7 4h54m

This is a very familiar story

bird0026 5 6h30m

I scrolled way to far down to see this. It's strange how no one else seems to have noticed this... that post wasn't even a month ago I don't think.

ellieacd 5 6h46m

Pretty sure it was a Lifetime movie of the week.

miladyelle 6 30m

NTA, grown adults can take care of themselves. Children rely on adults to take care of them.

Generosity and love is wasted on people who twist, taunt, manipulate, and are unappreciative of them. Life is short. Spend your efforts on the family you make, that makes you happy.

randomalas 6 44m

NTA I would cut everyone off just for trying to swindle you. Good on you helping your stepson. I can’t imagine putting a wedding in front of a child’s prosthetic. Now you know you need to be extra careful believing anything from your family since they are proven liars.

SarouchkaMeringue 6 59m

NTA in what world does a wedding come before a prosthetic leg.

paperclip_nazi 1 2h51m

Right?! The kid needs a FREAKIN LEG! You know how hard life is with one leg? I was in a wheelchair for 3 months and it sucked. OP made the right call

FeliciaaFancybottomm 5 52m


This whole story pisses me off. Your parents made you basically raise their own son. You did everything that THEY were supposed to do. Where is the love that they should have for you? It’s only shown to your brother.

Now they are manipulating you into leaving your family. That’s exactly what they’re trying to do for no reason other than as a way to provide for your brother. He’s a grown ass man.

Now they’re trying to trick you into paying for your brother’s whole wedding. Your family (besides your fiancé and stepson) don’t deserve you. They are people who steal from people they know who give.

AngelinaWolfAngel 4 35m

Nta and they better hope relationships based on greed last because they are being greedy themselves. Go low to no contact with your parents as they are trying to financially abuse you

asthecrowflys99 4 51m

Nta ... you need to wake up and realize that you are not your family doormat. Family is who you make it. 10 grand for a one day event or 10grand for a fucking leg . God speed my friend!

marronmarvel 4 1h58m

NTA. Your brother is 25 years old, an adult. If he wants to get married, he can pay for his own wedding. Your priority is yourself and your fiancé and stepson. I would block your parents from contacting you TBH, because they are manipulative liars, and you don’t need that kind of toxicity in your life.

DontForgetSquirrels 4 3h41m

Nta. They're using you for money while accusing your fiance of using you for money.

WritingNerdy 3 47m

NTA - Your brother is the AH for thinking his wedding is more important than his soon-to-be nephew’s prosthetic limb!

Bambie-Rizzo 3 54m

NTA. What does your brother say in all this? I’m hoping at least HE understands why you shouldn’t have to pay for his entire wedding.

tacodorifto 3 55m


I didnt need to read more than the title to know you nta.

Its your money. its your child, your family.

Dont enable your brother. You need to learn to cut it off.

Cleverusername18 3 58m

NTA. Dude, your family is the worst. Spend your time with your new family and ditch the old one that sees you as a free caregiver and ATM

Aradene 3 1h19m

Wow NTA.

I’m guessing based on what you wrote he had some very serious health issues as a child? Even so, that’s no justification for the parentification of you.

The audacity of them saying that your fiancé is only using you for you money is so rich it’s not funny. Even if your relationship didn’t last, I think you would feel a lot better knowing you helped her child get a leg than regret not contributing $10k to your brothers wedding.

Seriously cut them off. The fact that they had no intention of contributing anything themselves is just so awful I can’t wrap my head around it. The only person in your family you should keep is your aunt who had the guts to tell you the truth. Your brother is 25 - he does not need you to parent him!

Vette--1 3 1h59m

NTA please cut contact with your family for a long period of time at the minimum they keep taking advantage of you

that_was_me_ama 3 2h9m

All I needed to read was the title, you’re not an asshole - NTA

glom4ever 3 2h16m


It is great that you want your son to be your priority and that makes you a great person and great dad. But you don't need that reason to tell your parents no, or anyone no. If you wanted to spend that money on a solo-trip to Disney World, or a new car, or to just put the cash on your kitchen table to look at everyday it would also be fine.

You do not have to pay for a pack of gum for your brother let alone a wedding.

When was the last time you bought yourself something nice? Like a comfy office chair, or a fancy pastry? Not something you needed, but it was a Tuesday and you wanted the fancy thing.

Careless_Instance_37 3 2h18m

NTA. Real ironic how they’re claiming your fiancé ‘stole’ you to take care of her kid when it sounds like you’ve been taking care of theirs. Who took care of you? Also the use of the word stole, they obviously think you belong to them and that they can claim you which is ridiculous. If you were my son I would be so incredibly proud of you for the way you love your stepson, I would be so proud.

IHateWhiteMales69 3 2h24m

Now this is just a thought,but how about you expose their perfect image so they can feel the consequences of what they did to you.NTA

Zorkeldschorken 3 2h50m

Let's see.

Do you pay for a one-time party for your brother, or do you pay for something for your stepson that will improve his life immeasurably for the next several years?

Hmm. Tough choice.


paytonsglove 3 2h52m

NTA. Anyone who argues otherwise, doesn't have a leg to stand on.

beckya88 3 22h36m

As someone with a step-dad who ALWAYS treated me as their own even in the, maybe 8 years, before my parents got married, I have to say not only are you not the A-hole, YOU ARE AMAZING. Especially since it sounds like you and your son have a beautiful relationship, and HE (and your fiance) will likely be the ones who actually take care of you when YOU need them. And I use the word son because it sounds like you see and treat him as exactly that. It is amazing that you offered to pay that much when you thought it was your family coming together but then to know it was a scheme to get u alone to pay. You made the right choice. Your brother may always remember his wedding but the impact a new leg would have on your son would be immeasurable! The fact that they aren't happy you found a woman and family you love and loves you says a lot but the fact that they would deprive a boy from having 2 legs shows you what kind of AHOLES THEY TRUELY ARE. Sounds like you keep your lovely aunt, fiance and son around and cut the negativity from your life. I wish you and your family THE BEST!

AutoModerator 2 0m






morningstarifer 2 48m

NTA they're users OP. Block them all and be with your true family.

OutrageousKnight 2 56m


Are they right to think that your relationship with your fiancée is based on greed? Even if you agree with them in this, you have no obligation to foot your brother's wedding. This is nuts. Even if he is handicapped or has any other problem, it's the parents' obligation, not the brother's. NTA.

who_says_owl 2 1h2m

NTA. Marriage can be super cheap, I think I paid like $55 for the license? Whereas a prosthetic leg costs quite a bit. It makes more sense to help a young boy walk than to help a wedding happen. Also, it's your money. Also, you didn't bring your brother into the world, your parents are fully responsible for him and he is responsible for himself if he's getting married too. I'm glad you are helping the young boy with his leg.

MorgainofAvalon 2 1h4m

NTA you have done more than your share of raising your brother, if he resents you for this there is something wrong with him.

What you are doing for your son is admirable. He will always be grateful. ♡

Also I had a destination wedding, and the cost for our wedding, and 10 day stay was less than 7k. Weddings don't have to be expensive.

dontbethatguymyguy 2 1h17m

Sounds pretty toxic. The only reason you feel bad is because they have made you feel responsible for your sibling!! Don’t get me wrong I’m very close w my siblings, but I would NEVER expect them to give me money for my wedding, or vice versa. Especially when that money could go to make your sons quality of life better! I can’t even fathom how they don’t see what a wonderful thing you’re doing. NTA. Good luck w your fiancé and son, you sound like a lovely family!

eatthebunnytoo 2 1h26m

NTA , his fiancée isn’t family either, why would you pay for her party.

robogov 2 1h36m

Let's see, making a child walk again and not damaging his back for the continued use of clutches or a wedding, that no body else is willing to pay.

Jeez I don't know.


Your parents are using you to clutch your brother.

No_Proposal7628 2 1h59m


You have already done more than enough for your brother and really don't have any more responsibility toward him. Your parents can help him if he needs it. The fact that your dad lied to you about wedding money would prove who the greedy ones are. (Hint: not your fiancee)

All the relative who are berating you over withdrawing your money from the wedding can all chip in the way you were told they were going to do.

R-R-U 2 2h1m

NTA. Keep yourself firmly planted on this hill. And I suggest visiting your aunt, or her coming to you when it's just her and your new/better family. That way you don't have to go to big family events to see her.

cherry_sparkle 2 2h4m

NTA SOOOO NTA. That's Wicked lame your family is borderline manipulating you for money then turning around and accusing your fiance of doing that. Good for you for withdrawing your offer 10k from this wedding and thank the stars for your aunt who seems to be the only other one with senses in this situation.

CasTheMagicDragon 2 2h12m

I'll be honest, I wasn't going to even read your post because I had already made up my mind. NTA but I decided to anyway for some reason and now I'm even more mad at a bunch of strangers.

Your family are a bunch of assholes. Honestly you should just be done with them. They're using you and you know it and you still go back. Why are you online asking a bunch of strangers if your the asshole for wanting to spend 10k on getting a child a leg instead of spending it on a wedding? I mean this is the nicest way, but come on. That's an obvious answer. Answer every call or text and talk to these people and make them feel bad for trying to do this to you and to a child. Related or not they think a wedding is more important than a child being able to walk. Ask them what is wrong with them because clearly something is. If you and your fiancée don't work out will you wish you didn't help a child walk? Will it bother you that you helped him become a kid again? Is it horrible that you could effect a child's entire life even if you're no longer a part of it? Hopefully not.

If your brother resents you for wanting to change a kids life then let him. Tell he's a "bad person" for thinking his wedding is more important than the ability to walk. I'm using the term bad person because I don't want this comment taken down. Please substitute whatever worse phrase you want in that space and call him that. Anything will do.

Just wait till you watch him walk for the first time and ask yourself how you feel about this situation then. I bet you won't need strangers on the internet to answer that for you.

NoeTellusom 2 2h46m

Nope, NTA.

I notice nowhere do you mention the obvious - that instead of a big wedding, your family should be helping you raise funds for their new family member's prosthetic.

This is how backwards your birth family's priorities are, sorry to say.

Stonks_andtheCity 2 2h47m

Screw your brother. If he wants a wedding he should be prepared to pay for it.

HeatheroftheWeather 2 2h54m

NTA for reasons everyone has mentioned, so there is no need for redundancy.

My biggest question is Why haven't you found a way to speak to your brother about this?

Mom, Dad, aunts, uncles, cousins . . . all other opinions be damned.

However, your brother needs to hear from you what exactly is going on . . . the lies, your perspective, why you cannot contribute, the affirmation of your love for him, etc.

Find a way, please, to get to him one-on-one before they poison him against you with complete lies and fabrications.

AzSumTuk1986 2 3h2m

NTA. It's your own money. As far as I'm concerned, you wouldn't be the asshole even if you'd decided to waste it all in Las Vegas. You're not obliged to pay for someone's wedding. Not to mention the fact that you're using it to help a kid walk. In what universe is a freaking party more important than this?

saoorihurej 2 3h4m

I read stepson as strap on and got really confused for a moment

Sleepy_Heather 2 3h26m

Absolute, definitely, unequivocally NTA. You seem like a good and decent man, and your fiancee and stepson are lucky to have you. Your family on the other hand are manipulative a-holes who've treated you as some kind of familial dispensary. You did the right thing, my dude. Absolutely the right thing

igotplans2 2 3h27m

I've seen this dynamic before in families where there's a large age gap between kids. The expectation of support increases slowly over time and parents come to see it as normal because at first the older child enjoys and takes pride in playing the role of responsible big brother/sister. You don't owe your brother a thing besides the love you clearly have for him, especially since he's an adult and your parents are still living. If I were in your situation, I would urge my brother to have the small but meaningful wedding celebration he wants and tell everyone else to butt out of both your relationships and your finances.

Lifesabeach1227 2 3h32m

You need to tell them thst you are family to but they have not treated you like that since your brother was born and you RESENT them for their selfishness NTA

Izzy4162305 2 3h34m

NTA. You should probably consider going no contact with them, at least for a while, meantime tell them you’re not their ATM and he’a a grown man who can pay for his own wedding.

sarcasmbirthedme 2 3h37m

NTA. You should NEVER have had to pay anything for your brother bc he’s just that your brother your not his parent. I know this is mean but you should ask to be reimbursed for all the financial help you gave. You don’t owe them you never have. They owe you. You gave up so much for them and they just want more. When they call your fiancée greedy they are projecting.

babywraith 2 3h39m


It honestly sounds like your parents weren't equipped to deal with a child that has the medical issues your brother has. While that specifically isn't their fault, it was solely their responsibility to step up for him or access the resources they needed to provide for him.

For context, my (half) sister is 11 years older than me and was also forced to be my third parent. We have an amazing relationship now that she's in her 40s and I'm in my 30s, but I'm estranged from our parents and she barely speaks to them. I know she'll never get over the resentment she feels towards our mom and my dad for stealing her childhood and adolescence to babysit me for free. I think you should really take some time to think about what's next. Not only what's next for you, but what's going to be the next thing that your parents lie to you about? And what would be your breaking point? How much money are you willing to let them siphon off you? Do you even know if the money will actually go toward your brother? And so on. People are always afraid to talk about cutting off their family, but sometimes it's necessary.

Also, where is your brother in all this? Does he want you to contribute? I just noticed all the toxic behaviors and words were coming from other family members. Your brother is an adult and doesn't need your parents to speak for him (not aware of what his actual condition is so this is an assumption), especially if you're as close as this posts implies. Are you even sure that the money you've contributed in the past actually went to what your parents said it did? Have they ever provided receipts or copies of bills or anything? Something doesn't sound right about this.

You sound like a great brother and dad, and I'm sorry this is happening.

petillo64 2 3h40m


As tough as it may be, it sounds like the more distance from that situation/people (even though they’re your family) the better.... you have gone above and beyond. Put yourself first and when they learn appropriate boundaries and develop an appreciation/respect for your life/happiness, then possibly open yourself up to helping as you deem appropriate.

randomnurse 2 3h44m

NTA So they think it's fine for you to be a third parent to your brother (which is wrong) but not be a father to your stepson?

77Megg77 2 4h23m

NTA. A wedding is a single-day event. A prosthetic leg will be of use for years. You do not owe your parents anything. Shame on them for trying to manipulate you into paying for this wedding. Your brother could get married in a courthouse and still be just as married as he would be through an expensive wedding.

Your parents are definitely AHs. And double shame on them for assuming your fiance doesn't love you because of your burn scars. My son has a scar from his cancer surgery and his step mom tried to make him feel ashamed of it. He feels like it is a gift, telling him which people are worth investing in and which are turned away by the scar. I'm very proud of his outlook.

BritishTwin15 2 4h47m

You should grow a spine and stand up to them

JiveBomber 2 5h12m

NTA. You're a good person. Trust your gut because your instincts are good.

TexasTeacher 2 5h22m

You are a great person doing the right thing.

About Shiners. I personally know about two times they helped people I know. TW - burns and child injury.

A coworker's son tripped and fell on a camping trip - partially into the campfire. They were right next to him and snatched him up. He had 3rd degree burns to the palms of his hands. He was flown to Shiners' Burn Hospital in Galveston. He is almost fully recovered. He will require surgery pretty much every year - more when he has growth spurts. To be blunt, even with her being a teacher in a large district and having a decent HR/Risk management team that has fought the insurance companies to cover staff before - they would probably have faced bankruptcy without Shiners.

14 or so years ago, I had my niece at the Zoo. I had a major skin reaction to their soap and was trying to get her in the car to go home. Two doctors from Shriners stopped us. They thought I had a chemical burn on my hands and were ready to get me care down at Shriners. I explained it was a reaction to the soap at the petting zoo and that I had a first aid kit designed around my skin disorder. They helped me apply the first aid and bandage my hands so I could get home safely. Niece spent the rest of the summer with one of those animal backpacks with a tail. Holding her hand (or anyone touching my hands) was very painful for several months.

tdthecrazyone 2 5h54m

You can bet that the prosthetic leg will last longer and do more good than his brother's marriage

khunter2020 2 6h13m

As a parent it really saddens me that your parents have used you to cover there own lack of parenting. It’s not fair to do that to your child. I would be going non contact until they agreed to do some serious family counseling this is not normal behaviour from parental figures. NTA

anxgrl 2 6h31m

First, NTA by any means. Can I ask if you’re South Asian by any chance? I am and I’m getting strong SA vibes (I’m not entirely sure why). Also, being SA, I don’t say this flippantly but you should very much cut or severely limit contact with your family. You haven’t said anything about how your brother himself reacts to all this, but if you have a relationship with him, take him out and talk to him independently. Unless the sunshine boy treatment has gone to his head (which wouldn’t be a surprise), he will understand how awful your parents are being.

And yay for committing to the prosthetic leg for your stepson! I’m sure it’ll be more meaningful for a longer time than a party to show off the family’s means (which, outside of OP, seem to be zilch).

brandi_theratgirl 2 6h38m

What disturbs me is not just this situation, but that your parents ever expected you to pay any of the other expenses for your brother, like his medical bills. That isn't your responsibly. NTA and I'm sorry that they made you take on their and now your brother's responsibilities.

SuperChadi 2 6h47m

How does your brother feel about all of this, if I may ask?

jeezyall 2 6h48m

i dont even have to read anything besides the title to say. NTA!

Meii345 2 6h49m

Listen, even without all the context, giving your money to a random child who needs it is always better than towards an uselessly expensive wedding. Plus, you love him, your parents abused you then lied and keep doing it and are nasty towards you? NTA

_bird_internet 2 7h8m

Why would a sibling be expected to contribute 15K to a wedding?! I wouldn’t even expect parents to contribute, let alone a sibling. Of course you are NTA. This just seems bizarre.

harpinghawke 2 7h23m

Your “family” clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. NTA—and consider no- or low-contact.

bmanley620 2 7h24m

I’m sorry your parents are so abusive and use you for money. Definitely NTA

attycat19 2 10h13m


For them to say that without a shred or irony... oof.

WetMonkeyTalk 2 10h39m


So what? At the absolute least you're doing something amazing for a kid rather than shelling out ten thousand dollars on your spoiled brother's party.


scriptsgalore 2 10h42m

INFO: Does your brother know that you’re parents were trying to make you pay for his wedding?

ThiccChungai 2 11h53m


doofuspooster 2 11h53m

NTA. You sound like a wonderful person. Your stepson is a lucky lucky boy ❤️

indi50 2 13h16m

NTA Seriously - who pays for the weddings of siblings? It's not even reasonable to ask. Unless your incredibly rich - many millions and helping with your brother's wedding would be nothing to you. And it's not even a matter of making a choice about which to pay for, there is just NO reason for your family to expect you to pay for brother's wedding. Especially $10 to $15,000 dollars. That's an outrageous amount for a wedding.

I know a lot of people spend a lot more, but that's if THEY have the money for it - or their parents do, not a sibling for crying out loud. And while I guess I could see your parents trying to guilt you into continuing to be a parent to your brother (since they failed so miserably as parents), I really don't get the other family members. What do they get out of it by being horrible to you?

If your financial situation is that you would have to choose between a medical device for a child and a wedding - even your own, then the child should come first. But again...you are under no obligation to continue to provide financially for your ADULT brother. If he asks for help - vs your terrible parents - then maybe offer $500 for booze, or a limo ride or other special treat for the wedding as your GIFT to them, your only gift. Then let HIM and his bride figure out what they can afford and plan accordingly.

You're engaged...ask your family how much they'll be helping with YOUR wedding.

mowgli0423 2 23h43m

relationships... that are based on greed don't last and I'll admit they were right.

Yeah. They are. And they're being incredibly greedy and entitled to think you should be the sole funder of your brother's wedding just to get you "back on track".

You're NTA and your aunt is the real MVP.

Michael_Chandra 2 1d0h22m

For people claiming family comes first, they sure don't seem to care about you. NTA.

Solo_is_dead 2 1d1h1m

Why not tell them you're using the money for your own wedding.

pstrocek 2 1d6h16m

NTA but I think you kinda fucked up by telling them what you wanted to spend the money on instead.

It's just placing the kid into crossfire in a family dispute. Now he might be harrassed by your family for being the "cause" of your brother not having the perfect wedding. You should've told your parents you won't be giving them anything because they lied to you and tried to trick you. The less they know about your kid's medical expenses and about how you spend your money, the better.

I get that you probably hoped that they'll realize the thing you're using your money on is really important. Now you know they aren't reasonable, so make sure to never give them more information than needed. Knowledge is power.

What about your brother? What does he actually want? Does he even know what's going on? If you don't know, ask him directly.

yokoandy 1 34m

NTA It's your money, use it for what you want. Especially something as important as helping your son live a better life.

OneTwoWee000 1 1h5m


No sibling is obligated to pay for a wedding. Your parents lied to you in order to get you to initially agree.

Your stepson is missing a leg. Please use that money ASAP to improve his quality of life with a prosthetic leg. He can walk unassisted and eventually run and ride a bicycle with this new leg. It’s important so don’t delay!

Ecstatic-Product-69 1 1h11m

Dude you’re amazing and definitely NTA. Your brother is grown, your step son is not. Your uncles comment about you not being married... you clearly are married just without a court document. It seems like your family doesn’t understand what family is and should mean.

bailphl 1 1h12m

What did I just read? Your brother pays for his own wedding. Never speak to them again and demand whatever cash you paid back. NTA

Crown_Prince_Sado 1 1h12m

NTA- you said "it's about looking good to outsiders" but wouldn't it REALLY look good to outsiders hearing "OP made sure (his son) was able to get a prosthetic leg and take back some of his own agency"?

Their excuse of appearances falls absolutely flat if a fancy party trumps physical and emotional wellbeing of a child, especially in today's society.

GodzillasLeftFoot 1 1h15m

NTA! This post was infuriating to read. You’re a good person, if going no contact is best for you and your family (fiancee and son specifically) more power to you.

luckygamer85 1 1h16m

Whoo, this is a lot to unpack!

Ok, first, you and your brother should be your parents priority, your brother shouldn't be yours. Also, your brother is a grown man, why are you expected to provide him with anything? If he is a used to getting everything headed to him as it sounds like he is, I predict the marriage following the wedding will be short-lived...

Second, your stepson needs a prosthetic to improve his quality of life, and you want to do this for him. Your family wants you to contribute to your brothers wedding to control you. Super easy decision there...

Third, blood relation DOES NOT determine who you call family. You, your fiancee and stepson are a family because your make it so, and you want it to be that way. YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY!!!

Whether or not you and your fiancee stay together (which i hope you do), getting a prosthesis for your stepson is the right thing to do, and nothing your family says can change that fact.


SleepyBitch12345 1 1h20m

NTA. Your family (fiance and stepson) is your priority. I would go no contact with everyone except your aunt that you like. Tell the relatives that are berating you for not contributing that they can have fun paying for his wedding since they care so much about it.

Also, good luck with the prosthetic process! Hope he can get one soon!

Emotional-Sky-7733 1 1h21m

NTA. It is extremely weird to ask or expect this.

Stripperturneddoctor 1 1h21m

Info: does your brother have some disability that still affects him?

AuldLangSimone 1 1h23m


It's not your responsibility to keep the Golden Child golden. You have a family now - a real one. Your head is in the right place.

thisfishknits 1 1h23m

NTA at all, it never fails to blow my mind when other people expect people to pay for their wedding. You have the wedding you can afford. Your priority is in the right place, you're thinking about adopting him so he's clearly your child in all the important ways. Your parents and extended family suck.

(Edited to change the phrasing at the end)

Mayerly782 1 1h24m

NTA. Your parents are massive, grimy assholes. Do not give another red cent.

Bensimilla 1 1h24m

bUt FaMiLy! THE go to argument for abusive relatives. NTA, personally, if i were you i would cut them all out and concentrate fulltime on your fiancee and step son. You dont choose who you are born to but you choose the persons you are spending your live with. You did more than enough for providing for your brother the way you did, you dont owe anyone of your family anything.

fatgoose52 1 1h25m

Wow, your family are a-holes (with the exception of your aunt). Your parents made you pay for your brother’s medical expenses when you were younger? Wtaf, you’re his brother not his parent. And then they trick you into paying for his whole wedding? Cut ties with them, they’re just using you for your money. Good on you for standing up for yourself. And best of luck to you, your financee, and step son. NTA

LandShark4567890 1 1h25m

NTA. Why should YOU pay for your brother’s wedding?!

TudorMaven 1 1h27m

NTA. No one needs a fancy wedding, and it is uncommon where I live to have siblings foot any cost for the event. Medical needs and medical devices would be much more urgent on Maslow's hierarchy than a fancy party.

I also urge you to do some research on parentification, what your parents have expected of you is a form of abuse.

Best wishes to you and your chosen family.

damnedifyoudo_throw 1 1h27m

NTA but have you talked to your brother about this? What does the bride want?

adamquinncastillo 1 1h27m

NTA I didn’t even have to read the story but I did. Even if he you had no connection to the boy, giving your stepson his leg is a beautiful saintly gesture. Mwah I kiss your forehead Jesus loves you.

itscoldouttherebrrr 1 1h28m

You have YOUR OWN WEDDING coming up, which I am sure none of them are contributing to (and honestly I’d be surprised if they even gave you two a wedding gift) PLUS you have a (soon to be) step-son (soon to be adopted).

It’s sad, but I don’t see how you can continue a relationship with a big portion of your family. You parents have lied & stolen from you, including you childhood. You can leave the door open to your brother to have a relationship of equals & adults, not based on financial support.

See your aunt separately from your family.


Maleficent_Ad_3958 1 1h29m

NTA. You've already done way more than enough. Frankly, your fiance and stepson act more like family than your "blood" family. Yeesh, even parents don't have to pony up any money for weddings if they don't want to.

The-Blue-Bard 1 1h33m

NTA, good on you for taking care of you step-son. You are right, he and your fiancee are your priorities. Your parents can pay for THEIR child and you will take care of YOURS.

If it was me, I'd go no contact after finding out about that lie. Well, that coupled with how they talk about your fiancee and your step-son. Your family sounds genuinely terrible and I think you'd find your life/mental health greatly improved if you didn't have to see them anymore.

DubiousPeoplePleaser 1 1h36m

NTA family remains, but blood doesn’t always equal family.

anarchyshift 1 1h36m


It sounds like your parents realized your brother would be a lot of time and energy and decided to pawn it off on you instead of being good parents.

neutralgood079 1 1h39m

Dude...why are you even still TALKING to your parents. They abused you (parentification), made it impossible for you to have any kind of social life and then LIED to get you to drop 10K on his wedding.

But a large part of this is also your fault. You’re an adult. With a family. If my fiancé dropped 10K on a wedding we might not be together anymore. You need to figure out why you’re still bending to the will of your parents instead of being a father in your OWN family. I’m not saying this to be mean or harsh. But you need to break this cycle. Before your fiancé decides she has had enough of this pattern too. NTA for this situation.

bizianka 1 1h42m


KASE1248 1 1h44m

relationships based on greed never last, huh?

Idk, expecting you to parent your younger brother, financially provide for him as he gets older and pay 10k towards his wedding seems pretty greedy to me. and now your relationship with your parents is falling apart? mm, maybe your relatives are right about those rose-tinted glasses.


alkaline2k2 1 1h46m

NTA. It's your money and you get to decide what you do with it.

As an aside, even as a married man, I will never understand how okay we are with spending extraordinary amounts of money on a wedding. This question could have been posed as "should I spend $10,000 on a leg or on a party?"

PlanningMyEscape 1 1h46m

NTA. Your family sounds like they turned you into a parent when you were just a kid yourself, and expected you to continue in that role for the rest of time. Your brother is an adult and I assume he's marrying an adult. As adults, we do adult things like pay for our own weddings. We also realize that sinking a ton of money into a wedding is a huge waste of money.

You have your own family, and your priority has changed. I'm sure that chafes your parents and other family, but that is the way it's supposed to work. Demanding funds from you, then trying to lie and connive MORE funds is not the way people who love you are supposed to act.

It is possible to go low contact with family without cutting them off completely, if that's not something you're ready to do. Set some hard boundaries for what you are ok providing, be it money or time, and stick to it. They're going to think you're an ass no matter what you do, unless it is completely capitulating.

Just so you know, nice weddings can be had without going bankrupt or hustling your family. My husband and I had a stunning wedding for 60 in my dad's (admittedly stunning) back yard for less than 3k. Tuxes, flowers, an 1800 dollar dress, a band, the whole nine. They're being incredibly selfish and manipulative

ComprehensiveBand586 1 1h46m

NTA. They accuse your fiancee of using you to provide for her son but they're using YOU to provide for THEIR son. You've done more than you should have. Live your life. Enjoy your marriage and your new family.

Top-Date-9502 1 1h47m

NTA at all, all the other comments have covered why you are NTA so I won't be a broken record... Just wanted to say.. I feel your pain. Haven't had the same exact situation but I know what its like to constantly be expected to provide for family and cater to a sibling and of course if they want something from you and you say no, you're the asshole in their eyes. If I could go no contact, I definitely would. You're not alone OP.

Violenzio 1 1h51m

They were right. Their relationship with you, based on greed, didn't last indeed.


JudgeJanus 1 1h55m


They want to dance at a wedding while your son can even walk without help?

They can dance when he can dance.

SuperWhoLockJones 1 1h56m

NTA...your brother is a grown man. You mentioned he was sick. Is that still the case, is he disabled in some way? Why are you still forced to run around after him if not? I digress...hes a grown man getting married, if he cannot afford the wedding himself, perhaps he shouldn't get married to begin with. Aren't the brides parents meant to pay/contribute most, anyway? If that is the case. I paid for my own wedding so, I don't follow that tradition. But no, NTA.

3mpress 1 1h56m

NTA. What on earth did I just read? They want you to pay entirely for your brother's wedding BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD YOUR OWN????

This is insane and imo 100% worth going no contact at this point. Your family is insane and is just... cruel to you. They don't seem to love or care about YOU, just what you can do for them. I am so sorry but I'm so glad you have your aunt and fiance and stepson! Lean into the people who love and value YOU not those who want to milk you for all they can.

princesspaisa 1 1h56m

Geez cut these toxic people off already! You’ve done more than enough for your brother. He ain’t your kid!!

phyllosilicate 1 1h58m

1000% NTA and if someone hasn't already suggested it I highly recommend the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissists.

chandler-bingaling 1 2h0m

NTA. Why is know else contributing? He is your brother, not your son. Focus on you, your step son and your fiancee. I agree, go NC. They are toxic af and it is going to get worse

MediumSympathy 1 2h1m


What kind of people think you should prioritize a party for a grown man over a leg for your own child?!?!

If you're adopting him then he's going to be your son, not your step-son. Your family's argument that your relationship with your fiancee might not last forever is going to be irrelevant as soon as you file the paperwork because even if you get divorced he will still be your son.

If they have such a jaded view of relationships anyway then why pay 15K to celebrate one? NTA

Raccoonboots 1 2h1m

Is your family going to help with your wedding to your fiancée? NTA!

bananaclava__ 1 2h2m

NTA your family are complete hypocrite's, they hold you financially responsible for their son and would rather their son have a wedding over your stepson(hope he's doing fine) getting a prosthetic leg

Additional-Run-4426 1 2h3m

NTA, a wedding lasts a day, that leg will benefit your stepson for years. Please don't give them any money

FiliGurl 1 2h7m


Needing some info on that part. Were they "right" about your fiance then or is it written in context to your family's greed? Because they are being greedy, trying to scam their son out of 15K (because it is a scam - they're asking you, making out like everyone else has contributed when it's only you putting in. Kudos to your aunt for being a decent person and not letting you waste your money). I thought it was the parents of the bride and groom that contribute, so unless you birthed him surely your obligation to his wedding is not that large?

I don't think your brother will resent you either btw. If he's got a good memory then he'll remember what his childhood was like, and if he does start getting toxic like everyone else you should remind him what would have happened to him had you not been there, because it sounds like your parents wouldn't have taken much responsibility in all the times he got sick or needed to go somewhere.

NC for a while might be the best bet but you're definitely NTA for your family's shitty behaviour. That's on them. NTA.

facepalmforever 1 2h7m

I think you should tell your family you'll contribute the exact same amount yup your brother's wedding that they will contribute to your wedding, which they must be willing to commit to in writing.


bloomingfireweed 1 2h10m

NTA. They're literally asking you to sabotage your own life to pay for your brother's wedding.

Do yourself a favor; go no contact with all of them. Marry your fiance, adopt your stepson, and enjoy the life you'll build with them without your bio-family.

cassowary32 1 2h10m

NTA. Your brother is 25, if he's old enough to get married, he's old enough to finance it himself. You already paid for his medical expenses in the past which were not your responsibility. Maybe tell your parents to use the money they saved by making him your financial responsibility in the past to pay for the wedding.

Will your parents be contributing to your wedding? You could also say the money is going to your wedding instead. And once you cut off your family, you can save even more money on your wedding.

I'm so sorry your parents robbed you of your childhood and are still trying to use you and undermine your relationships.

xsimp71 1 2h11m

I dont even have to read the post. NTA. I dont care what argument your brother presents. You took on the role of becoming the kids father figure. You are taking care of your child. Good on you mate.

uWu_Cucumber 1 2h12m


Consider going no contact until they get their shit together and let them know that as soon as they push your boundary, you are gone.

Their shitty behaviour isn't good for your mental health.

taylorpilot 1 2h15m

Info: is brother aware of this and how parents are using you? Is he ok with it?


Nta you are not your families ATM. Your brother is an adult not a child. Did your brother and his fiancée not save up for their wedding? If your parents wanted 15k to go towards your brothers wedding then they should be the ones paying not lying to you and having you pay. If your brother is old enough to get married then he is old enough to take on ALL the adult responsibilities that come with it. I mean what's next they ask you to help pay for his 1st house, a new car or their honeymoon? You shouldn't be made to pay for all for his needs and wants. Its time he grows up and takes responsibility for his own life. Your fiancée is and will be your family. It's crazy that your family is all upset that your brother who's an adult needs that money more than a child who needs a leg to improve his life and make life a bit easier on him. Your family is selfish and greedy. I would go NC with them maybe then they would start paying for their own stuff. Your only responsibility is to your future wife and child.

meifahs_musungs 1 2h21m

NTA. Your brother is now an adult. Your stepson needs that prosthetic leg so if you want to spend the money on your stepson that is your choice. Your brother knows you were there the whole time growing up. Your brother now as an adult knows they are responsible for themself. The reasons do not matter honestly. Your money belongs to you and your relatives have no business telling you how to spend it.

davidedpg10 1 2h21m

NTA. I'd say make it interesting. You'll help pay for his wedding if they all agree to pay for yours as well, but make them sign a contract. If they don't want to do that, then they obviously are just using you

elenolita 1 2h22m

NTA. firstly, your brother should offer to pay for himself and secondly, you have the rights to decide who and where you spend your money on. props to you for being a good father to the kid too!

sauvam 1 2h23m

Oh my, I don’t even know where to begin here, OP’s family is wrong on so many levels! Since when it is a sibling’s responsibility to pay for a wedding? And how can anyone with a conscience prioritize a wedding over a prosthetic for a child, even if that child is not their blood relative? SMH... 1000% NTA!


cpcfax1 1 2h25m

NTA. Your step-son's medical needs take far greater priority over your GC brother's wedding.

Your parents are AH for trying to lie and guilt-trip you to paying for your brother's wedding.

It's also weird as it's usually the responsibility of those who are to be wedded and sometimes the parents to pay for the wedding, NOT older/younger siblings unless they offer of their own free will.

Also, in many parts of the US where I am, the mainstream tradition seems to be that it's the responsibility of the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, NOT the groom's.

PomegranateArtichoke 1 2h26m

NTA. Your stepson needed a leg more than your brother needed $ for his wedding.

emr830 1 2h26m

NTA. Holy crap you're a better person than me for helping out with your brother as much as you did! Your family is ridiculous and your son is so lucky to have you.

purekittyluv 1 2h28m

NTA. How in the world is paying for a kid's prosthetic leg selfish? You should consider going no contact with your family, they sound incredibly toxic and narcissistic.

luckydidi18 1 2h29m

NTA. Your brother can pay for his own wedding. A young boys life would be changed by being able to walk without crutches. It’s your money and you get to decide how you spend it. You shouldn’t give him another penny as he’s an adult.

IHeartRadiohead 1 2h30m

Don’t give any of them a dime!! I’m daft, keep well away from them! Concentrate on your beautiful new family, your step son sounds wonderful, and I’m sure he will thrive with his new leg and with such a loving stepdad.

SquirrelBowl 1 2h31m

NTA. And you should disengage from your birth family immediately. They are liars and users.

princessharleigh 1 2h31m

NTA if your brother wants to be married then he should pay for it!

chupachups75 1 2h32m

Tell them you have taken off your rose coloured glasses and that's why you're done wiping your brother's arse for him. NTA.

Elegant_Presence_397 1 2h33m


Your brother is not and should never be your responsibility. You could look out for him, because you loved him. But he is full grown up adult that should be able to afford himself.

That saying family must come first is BS, you do not own anything to anyone. If you want to make a pile of 10k in money and set on fire instead of giving to your brother, it is fine, it is your choice.

But, as you grew up in a abusive relationship, I would recommend you to do some therapy, so you don't fall into abusive relationships anymore (not saying about your fiancée, but at work, with friends, etc)

nobobo2 1 2h38m

NTA. I'm so sorry your family has you to the point where you even feel the need to ask this question. You are doing the right thing and honestly whats the worst that could come of it? You make a child's life easier? Oh the horror.

Congrats on your shiny new spine. You're going to feel so much better.

tamalito93 1 2h38m


You should really condires which one is the one based on financial interest and which one treats you like family

grapefruitcrussh 1 2h38m

Wow... NTA at all. Reading this makes me feel sorry for how your family has treated you. Why didn't they care about the possibility of YOU growing to resent your brother when they pawned all this labor off on you? Why weren't they more responsible in providing his care? Your bio family is being extremely disrespectful; when you share someone's life like with your fiancee, that is your priority. The fact that you were willing to commit TEN K to his wedding when they were manipulating you shows how fucked up they are. I hope you can have a good life with your fiancee and step-son.

SunMoonTruth 1 2h39m


It’s always difficult when shaking off the burden of abusive parents who feel they’re entitled to your last breath.

You’re obviously NTA. Even if you didn’t want to contribute the money and had nothing else to spend it on - you would not be TA.

They lied to you to reinforce control (“get you back on track”) and cheat you out of 15K. They really have very little respect or regard for you. The other rels who are berating you - have no credibility and their opinions don’t actually matter.

Your aunt is the only person with maintaining any contact with at all at this point. She’s a good person.

starwarschick16 1 2h39m

NTA- do not pay anything towards your brother's wedding! Use that money for your stepson and maybe for your own wedding! I think you and your new family should take a nice vacation and get married!

MurasakiYugata 1 2h40m

NTA. If I were you I might look into suing your parents for all the money they forced you to pay for your brother's medical expenses and other things he needed. That absolutely should not have fallen on you.

MontanaDukes 1 2h41m

NTA. It's not your wedding and it's not your job to pay for it. You've said yourself that you think your brother would prefer a simple celebration too. I think your stepson's prosthetic leg is far more important. Besides, it's not even your brother himself asking for money. I'm sure he appreciates his family's help with the wedding, but I can't imagine he'd feel comfortable taking money that could be used for a child.

ifitsmellslikeone 1 2h42m


It's stunning how many of these people think they have any right to tell you what to do with your own money.

The correct answer to the first question was not "$10k," the judges will accept variations of "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!," or "good luck with that."

CriminalMindd 1 2h44m

So what did the parents actually do for OP’s brother growing up (or OP for that matter) because it honestly sounds like he did 100% of the work and they learned to expect handouts from him. Ironic that they’re projecting onto the fiancée.


The-Patriot420 1 2h44m

NTA Your whole family (besides the aunt) are buttholes. The expect you to pay for your brother’s wedding if their so worried about it they should be the one paying for it not you. Your also being very helpful towards your stepson by getting him a prosthetic leg that is more useful then a stupid wedding. My best advice is to probably cut contact with your family (but not your aunt) and if there calling you about an emergency be sure to check with someone to see if it’s actually true so they don’t trick you.

h0v3rcr4ft 1 2h45m

NTA. They’re right - family remains but relationships based on greed won’t last. Tell your parents and brother to stop being greedy and that you have a new family (your fiancée and stepson) now.

deepneuralnetwork 1 2h46m

What... the... fuck? No, NTA at all.

dinosnore210 1 2h50m

NTA - no sibling should ever feel obligated to pay for another’s wedding, especially not at the expense of a prosthetic for your stepson. You’re a good dad.

mouse361 1 2h50m

NTA. Your brother is an adult and it’s past time for him to be able to take care of himself. If you can’t afford to pay for your own wedding then you need to plan a smaller wedding. Take care of your son, and don’t worry about the rest.

ThisWorldIsOnFire 1 2h51m

NTA. You are completely in the right, and weddings are ridiculous because of the expenses. I’ve never heard of a family bullying everyone into paying for it. So tacky.

ChaosEdge88 1 2h51m

NTA your brother is not your child , he’s not your responsibility and his wedding budget is not your problem. Your family is annoyed cause they can’t use you as a wallet anymore basically. What you should do is focus on your life and your family that make you happy . The fact that you are bonded by blood doesn’t make your parents any less toxic so my opinion is cut them off they don’t appreciate you and they don’t deserve you . That little boy and your fiancée sound like they love and appreciate you and regardless of that a prosthetic leg is a far more important thing than an expensive wedding in my opinion

Faeglantina 1 2h56m

NTA. However, were contracts signed and deposits put down? Because if money has already been committed, you should discuss this directly with your brother. Anyway, the medical needs of your son should come first. And that’s what he is. He’s your son. Keep in mind that kids grow out of prosthetics. If he’s still growing, make sure you carefully look at resources to try and save yourself whatever money you can. Keep in mind you’ll probably have to replace it as he grows.


ebwoods1 1 2h57m


Your stepson is a child and you are in a position to greatly improve his quality of life. This is absolutely above a fancy wedding. You don’t even need a wedding to have a marriage.

Your brother is an adult. He doesn’t need you to fund his life anymore. You mentioned it’s your parents who are asking for this money. What has he said?

lonecactus777 1 2h57m

Didn’t read it don’t have to NTA. Get the leg.

BetterthanMew 1 2h59m

Nta they are being very manipulative. I would have called it quits after they tried to rob you (the 10k). Did you give it to them?

Ninanotseen 1 2h59m


Your parents are defiantly using you. They want you to provide 15K for a single day event and a memory that will fade eventually smh. You help your stepson be able to WALK.

lilharbie 1 2h59m

NTA. You are letting your stepson be a kid again if he gets a new leg. You will change that kids life more than you would ever expect.

hecknono 1 3h2m


you are the scapegoat and your brother is the golden child. They only care about you as a source of money. They didn't start crowd funding your wedding did they?

I don't know where you live, but in Canada there is the waramps https://www.waramps.ca/ways-we-help/child-amputees/ if you contact them they should be able to help you find a similar resource in your own country.

good luck!

GrWr44 1 3h3m

NTA - A wedding is not a need, it's a want. Your stepson has a need.

ConansQueen 1 3h4m

NTA - what kind of family raises money for a son's wedding in the first place? Doesn't social etiquette dictate that the bride's family pays for a wedding or the couple covers it themselves? They've got a lot of nerve expecting you to fork over cash for their other son - are they contributing to your wedding? Never mind the reality that they've got even more nerve insulting you re: a scar you have absolutely no control over and obviously aren't bothered by. You're living your best life, loving your fiancee, caring for your stepson, keep moving forward and don't interact with those members of your family who can't respect you or your family unit unless it's absolutely necessary.

EquivalentTwo1 1 3h4m

NTA. They want you to pay money for a party rather than to help your stepson walk? Keep the money, buy a leg and pay for your own wedding. Stop talking to people who are fixated on your burn. You are more than just your scar, your Aunt and your fiancée know this.

Small_Bag_6494 1 3h4m

I fell in love with someone with one leg. His prosthetic isn't the best. He has days where he can't even put it on. He hates not being able tot walk.

Leg is more important then a wedding. You're doing the right thing, even if this was a friend or the son of your supermarkt check out lady.


seanp1001 1 3h4m

How is this even questioned....NTA

CleanAssociation9394 1 3h4m

NTA even if you wanted to spend the money on something frivolous. No one is obligated to provide a brother with a wedding, ESPECIALLY someone who is also engaged. Throw yourself a nice, modest wedding soon.

ILikeSpinach25 1 3h5m

NTA "they think my fiancee stole me and is using me to raise her son" ......you mean like what your parents were doing?

ApatheticEmphasis 1 3h5m

NTA. Didn’t even have to move past the title to declare you not the asshole. Children always take priority over adults who can pay for themselves, ESPECIALLY physically disabled children.

After reading, I am HORRIFIED at how your family treats you. Please do as others have said and go No Contact - you will be 1000% happier without those horrid people in your life.

If your brother condones this treatment of you and expects things from you as well, he should also be added to the NC list.

ArtistanPerspective 1 3h5m

Your his brother, not his parent. You're not responsible for him in any way, shape or form. If you parents wish to contribute money to his wedding, that's on them, not you. WTF?

You didn't ruin anything because it's not you're responsibility to pay for his wedding. It's his or your parents. Plus, if you wish to throw antiquated tradition at them, typically the bride's family pays for the wedding, not the groom's.

As an adult, your brother should be taking care of himself. If you parents feel that he needs more, then that's on them, not you. Stop enabling this behavior and stop giving into their manipulations. Tell them that your brother is responsible for himself and his life now. You're an adult with your own life and that if your brother needs anything, he needs to get it for himself. Get a job, get a loan, whatever.

Tell your relatives to be specific on how you supposedly ruined things for your brother. Did you introduce him to his finance? Did you tell him to propose? Did you tell him to marry her? Did you tell him you'd pay for his wedding? If they feel this is so important, how many of them are willing to donate to this wedding? After all, according to them, family remains (which is total BS). See how fast they try to push back on your or back peddle because that would mean they would have to step-up and give money.

If your brother should resent anyone, it's your parents for coddling him. Do you two actually speak to each other? Because should he resent you, it sounds like it will be from whatever BS is being fed to him. And why doesn't he stand-up for himself?

Also, you can't choose your bio relatives. But nothing says you have to keep them. If you're not happy with them, go no contact and move on.

NTA. Your parents are and the uncle that is supporting them. So are the relatives that are backing this nonsense. Kudos to your aunt for tipping you off.

xXanalcunt_420_69Xx 1 3h5m

NTA, weddings are a waste of time

MillieTheDestroyer 1 3h7m

NTA. Firstly, it’s your money, snd you can do what you want with it. Secondly, your brother is an adult and should have the wedding he can afford to have, not the wedding he can convince others to pay for. Thirdly, I completely agree your stepson’s leg is way more important than a wedding. Fourth, that is so awful of them to think your burn scars have anything to do with anything. Best of luck to you, your fiancé, and your stepson!

Unusual_Asparagus157 1 3h8m

my parents expected me to provide for him financially


my fiancee was clearly using me to provide for her son


Oh, the irony, it's...it's overwhelming.

Ok_Armadillo4599 1 3h8m

You helped your stepson, so he could stand on his own legs (pun intended).
Your brother should be able to stand on his own legs and pay for his wedding or he shouldn't plan a 15k wedding if he has only money for an 2k wedding for an example.

oops_eveythingsfine 1 3h8m

Even if that wedding was for OPs brother, that man is 25 years old. He and his fiance should be able to pay for their own wedding. So NTA

Kitty_Kibibble 1 3h11m

NTA, no doubt. That aside, what's your brother's stand on this? Do you have a good relationship with him, or is he just as entitled as your parents? Maybe if you asked him to talk to the rest of your family they'll finally get off your back and mind their own business.

wolfeyes555 1 3h11m


You sounds like a good man. Your stepson should be proud to have you as a parental figure.

WhitechapelPrime 1 3h12m

NTA. I don’t feel that I have anything else to contribute that hasn’t been said already.

Sixin2082 1 3h12m


They're calling your fiance greedy because they are projecting. If anyone tries to guilt you into paying for a wedding you should let them know they have the opportunity to put their money where their mouth is

anngrn 1 3h14m

The brother can pay for the wedding

10SnakesInACoat 1 3h15m

I feel for you and your brother. It sounds like you need to have a talk with him independent of your parents. You say he's the golden child and perhaps this is true, but he's trapped in this situation too. It sounds like everyone else is speaking for your bro. It would be good to cut out the middleman for all these conversations. Be honest with him. Your fiancé and her son ARE your family as well and your prerogative is supporting them. 15k from a sibling for a wedding is nuts. That's not the norm for any culture. Obv buying a prosthetic for your step-son is the right call.

I wish you and your fiancé the best. NTA

NarrativeScorpion 1 3h16m

NTA. It's not your responsibility to contribute ANYTHING to you brother's wedding. It is his responsibility to fund. If anyone else wishes to contribute, they may, but the only people who HAVE to pay for a wedding are the people getting married.

You have made the (perfectly reasonable) decision to financially support your fiancée and stepson, instead of your adult brother. If your family can't accept that then fuck 'em.

CQB_241_ 1 3h16m

So NTA. Even if there was no other good cause for you to spend your money on, it's YOUR money and no one else is entitled to it. It's yours to spend on whatever you want or need or save it for a rainy day. Period. Cut ties from these horrible people.

BrikwarsInfinity 1 3h17m

Stepmom of the year!

Piercedbunny 1 3h18m

NTA- you’ve ALREADY contributed financially, with his medical bills. Don’t let that side of your “family” milk you for any more. Your son needs a leg more than your brother needs a fancy wedding. A wedding is ONE day. A leg is the rest of your life.

Kettlewise 1 3h19m


You should have never been treated like a third parent.

You should never have been expected to provide for your brother financially because you were older.

You should never have been asked to pay for his wedding.

And frankly, a prosthetic for anyone - especially a child who will be your stepson > wedding.

Also your family is shit for the way they treat your fiancée and you regarding your scar.

It’s a scar. So what?

Jesus OP, I am so sorry your family is awful.

dawnzoc65 1 3h20m

NTA. Do you have a fund that we the reddit can donate to? I would like to help your son get that leg.

eyefelltower 1 3h21m

NTA. The only situation where you should have to pay for your brothers wedding is if you were marrying him. Wait what-

Shadowwei_Reddit 1 3h21m

Nta you should take your son to the wedding and let him kick his uncle

SAHDadWithDaughter 1 3h23m

NTA. All I needed to see was the title. I couldn't imagine a way to make you the asshole in that scenario, and reading it all only confirmed that.

getdownbrowncow 1 3h23m

So your family thinks your fiancee is a gold digger because they can't accept that she would love you even with scars?? So you should fork over all your money to them and give all your attention and love to people who think you're not worthy of her love because of an accident? Oof. I'm surprised you still have contact with any of them past your brother. Strong NTA, your parents (and other family members who agree with them) are. Bless you for what you're doing for your stepson! I can already tell you're going to be an amazing stepfather and husband!

KnightofForestsWild 1 3h23m

NTA Ain't nobody needs a $$$$ wedding and if they want it, nobody else is obligated to pay for it. Pay for an uber to the courthouse.

explodingwhale17 1 3h24m

NTA. Bless you for prioritizing a boy's prosthetic leg. Your parents are using you to provide for their other son. I'd just reassure your brother that you love him and are happy for him and then don't contribute to the wedding.

blizzaga1988 1 3h24m


Please don't give them a dime.

guppiesandshrimp 1 3h25m

NTA from the title alone. The rest was just bizarre. Props to tour auntie for being the only decent relative towards you and your fiancée, and for letting you know that nobody else contributed

Barry_McKackiner 1 3h25m


JFC your parents are something else.

colossalgoat 1 3h26m

NTA: And let me say no parent should ever put that responsibility on their child's sibling by that I mean raising him. And you weren't even enough older than him to be like a parental figure! You are 8 years older than him! That is not at all old enough to push raising him on you

daughterofnarcs 1 3h29m

Your family saw you as a free babysitter and now as a cash cow... so they are projecting this on to your genuine relationship with your gf... utterly disgusting!!!

You are NOT a doormat/ cash machine

F*** them...

If they cant be happy for YOU then you absolutely have the right to walk away.

You sound awesome OP, keep being your own authentic self


Operation-Overload 1 3h33m

Before I even read this, I wanted to say no, you are NOT the AH

StealfDragon 1 3h35m

NTA. I’m pretty sure parentification is actually illegal and you could sue. Also all of the other shit they said was horrible and when your parents lied yo you and your mon said your fiancé was using you I actuallygot angry. Hope you cut contact snd sue if you can.

knintn 1 3h37m

NTA I’d block and go NC with everyone but your aunt. I’m glad she told you. Make a new family with your fiancee and future son!

adotfree 1 3h38m

I didn't even need to read the story to pass NTA but after reading the story... have you considered going no contact with everyone except your auntie?

Triquestral 1 3h39m

Weddings are nice, but they’re hardly necessary and if the OP’s brother really wants a fancy wedding, then I’m sure he’ll find a way. He’s a grown up. He’s also not, nor has ever been, OP’s responsibility, and it disgusts me that OP’s parents have put that burden on him.

OP, you sound like an awesome guy, who has his priorities straight. Good luck with your new family, and your lucky stepson.

DaniCapsFan 2 3h51m

It sounds like it's more the parents who want the big fancy wedding.

Triquestral 2 14h48m

Exactly. It sounds like it’s the parents who are pushing OP to provide this in the brother’s name, but has the brother spoken up? Not that I can see. The point is that if it was something he wanted, he would find a way. Forcing one child to sacrifice in order to spoil another is just twisted, however common it may be. Fortunately, OP is building up a new family with love and better priorities that I bet will treat him way better than his birth family

Here_WolfyWolfyWolfy 1 3h39m


ThrowawayALEXWCI 1 3h40m

NTA, and I don't believe your brother is either. Unless you have just not mentioned it, he never asked you to pay for his wedding etc.,? Unless he did, in which case he would be, but your parents DEFINATELY are.

I just want to leave one quote I use a lot, because I do hate the thought that if you are biologically related you HAVE to stay together:


DirtyMike01 1 3h43m

NTA. What has your brother done for you?

Ask him to make you a list of everything he’s done selflessly for you. When he’s done, give him a dollar for everything on the list and tell him your even now.

DaniCapsFan 1 3h44m

Yet another sibling forced to sacrifice for their younger sibling(s).

It was horrible that your parents lied about the rest of the family contributing to get you to contribute. It's especially awful that your parents are making the wedding more about them and less about your brother and future SIL.

If your other relatives are mad at you, they can contribute to the wedding.

You have a fiancée who has a son. He has medical needs. (I wonder why insurance isn't covering the prosthetic.) He will soon be your stepson. He comes first.


VictoriaRose1618 1 3h45m

Nta Your so is lucky to have found such a caring partner Your step son is lucky too You seem lovely, obviously not from your parents

flashandtheholograms 1 3h47m

NTA. Your family sounds incredibly entitled and manipulative. It’s incredibly cruel for your family to say that your fiancée is only with you for money because they think someone with burn scars can’t be attractive to someone. Personally I’d limit my contact with them.

gdubh 1 3h48m

NTA as you are well aware.

Blinkme03 1 3h48m

NTA - they seem too worried about your fiancée supposedly using you, when they are in fact the ones using you. Since when is it a brothers obligation to pay for his siblings wedding?

Ok_Astronaut_3711 1 3h49m

NTA. Am so sorry your family are the way they are and treat you like they do. Just talk to your brother directly. You have a family- your fiancée and son. That is your family. Ignore the rest of them. Have a great life!

RedditVirgin13 1 3h49m

Wow, I hope you consider cutting off your family, except for your aunt. They are terrible people. NTA

SurrealGirl 1 3h49m

NTA. Ask them how much they and your brother are giving you for your wedding? His wedding is not your problem. Your brother should pay for his own wedding and the bride's family can kick in some cash.

Pickledwisdom 1 3h50m

NTA here's what you do call them all together on zoom while smoking lower your "rose colored" glasses and say "I'm done with you" cut them off when they respond and repeat "Im...(ash 🚬) done with you!" (put 🚬 out) end call. Your a good man OP and you will be an amazing father to your step son and future children stand strong for what you believe in and what's best for you and those you hold near dear to you ❤

2Houndgirl 1 3h50m

Eerrmm colour me confused but isn't it them that is using you for your money,? Not your fiance and step son.. You are a good man sooooo NTA. I'm interested in knowing what your brother feels about all this though.. Is be mortified if my parents expected my sibling to pay for my wedding..

SnooDrawings1480 1 3h50m

My parents put on my brother and sister in law's wedding in their backyard for less than 10k. That includes 6 dresses - bride, moh, 3bm and 1 flower girl, suits, tents, tables, dance floor, porta potty (septic system wouldnt have been able.to handle that many uses of the toilet), food, decor, and alcohol.

If someone asks you to pay for sn extravagant wedding, default answer should be no. It's his wedding, he should pay for it.


PiDravidian 1 3h51m

NTA. GL. I'd probably think your scar is cool btw

remuliini 1 3h53m

NTA. Weddings is an event and those should never have preference over real life.

Jlst 1 3h53m

Absolutely NTA. What the hell. Why should you have to pay for your brother’s wedding lol? Surely that’s something him and his future wife should be paying for? And your parents and her parents contributing if they so want to. I can’t imagine asking my brother to pay towards my wedding.

vaughtex 1 3h53m

Who the hell pays for their siblings weddings? NTA. At all. You shouldn’t be financing his life choices.

Winiri 1 3h54m


I would honestly stop talking to anyone who complains that I was getting a kid a leg verse a wedding.

Nightdreamer87 1 3h57m

NTA. Op tell your parents to step up and be just that. The parents. Your brother is NOT your child, hence not your responsibility. I'd also ask them how is your fiancé greedy? They're the ones demanding you to take financial responsibility for THEIR child as if he were yours.

Definitely go no contact. This is going to get worse the closer the wedding comes. But if they're getting March in March, as in a day away, shouldn't all this be paid? Deposits and such? I know when I got married to me ex, we had to put deposits down on everything.

Stalders1 1 3h57m

They sound wonderful. Seriously, though, I’m astonished by the selfishness that would put a one-day ceremony ahead of a long-term selfless gift you are providing for, effectively, your son. A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper. Besides that, even if you were to not do this for your son... you have your OWN wedding to plan and (I assume) PAY for. Time for little bro to stand on his own two feet. I don’t think your parents are aware, but you paying for your brother’s wedding actually makes THEM look bad. If it’s anyone’s responsibility other than your brother’s, I would assume that it’s your parents’s’ responsibility-NOT you. Sounds like you have your priorities in order as they should be. NTA

Not-a-Kitten 1 3h59m

NTA for the same reasons everyone mentioned. As to your burn scar, you have found a woman who sees inner beauty- in her son and in you. I am so excited for you and your new family.

Meanwhile you can atand up as best man for your brother when he gets married at City Hall. He can throw a big party when he can afford it - just like the rest of the grown up world. You should not need to spend money to have a relationship w Bro (if he requires money, dump him). Best to stop paying now, rather than have him expect you to pay for his wife and kids too. Yuck.

NolaJen1120 1 4h1m

The only people responsible to pay for a wedding/reception are the two people getting married. It is nice if people/family VOLUNTEER to help with the costs, but no one is obligated to. In addition, when family members help with money, it is usually the parents of the couple. Not the siblings.

It doesn't even matter what you would rather spend the money on. It's your money to do with as you wish. But, since you mentioned it, a prosthetic leg for your stepson is much more of a "need" then an expensive party, ie a reception.

The only actual cost required to get married is the cost of the marriage license. Everything else is a luxury. A luxury I certainly don't begrudge anyone! But your brother and his FI need to figure out what their budget is and then plan accordingly.

madnessfromthesea 1 4h1m

NTA - and it is a cultural thing - your family's culture is to make it "look good" to the outside.

edited to add: Your family may think that you are worthless because of your scar and that's why all your money should go to your brother. They think that as you are, you have no need of it and they have no need of you except for your money.

Substantial-Spinach3 1 4h1m

I have never said that a family was toxic until today. They are gaslighting you. Your escaping and it is inconvenient to there wallet. I am very sorry for the treatment you have received. I don’t care if you go into witness protection. Get out. Looks like you have found some love and acceptance with your new family. Please believe you deserve this. You may need therapy, because boy have they done a number on you.

BecGeoMom 1 4h2m

I find it interesting that at no time is the brother or what the brother expects mentioned here. I am continually appalled and horrified by a family dynamic where one child is the family’s focus, and all other children are expected to do whatever that child needs or wants and give up everything for that one. What kind of parents put their children in that position, and berate, insult, attack, and get angry at them if they don’t do so? Baffling.

Still, I wonder what the brother even wants. Does he expect his brother to foot the bill for his wedding? There appears to be little future for this man and his fiancé and family, at least with his parents, who seem to have made their choice. I hope he can salvage his relationship with his brother. (The rest of the family, who cares?) I want to believe the brother is not the one instigating all of this. I understand being overprotective of a child who has been ill and/or almost died. But that was many years ago, and being overprotective does not mean alienating your other child if he doesn’t give up his life for the one you love more.

You, OP, are NTA. You sound like a good man who has made a commitment to the woman you love and her son. That’s your future. I hope you can continue to have a relationship with your parents and brother, but doing so should not require you to live like a priest, giving up all worldly things for your family. And they shouldn’t ask that of you. Good luck!

petarob 1 4h2m

NTA. Let other adults adult, your brother should take care of his wedding. What’s the next demand - buy him a house?

Susan-stoHelit 1 4h3m

It’s pretty disgusting that they thought you couldn’t have love in your life because of that scar. That is just ridiculous.

I think the rest of the family is trying to get you in line in order to get them off of their back‘s. Don’t do it. You have a family now that is a true family.

Your brother would only resent you if he chooses to. If he’s getting married he is definitely an adult. He can make his own decisions but there is no reasonable reason for you to donate any money to his wedding. That is just insane.

Honestly, I think 15 grand or 10 grand if you did it without asking your fiancé is a bit out of line. If you guys have started joining your finances all decisions like that would be joint.

NTA unless you bow to their pressure.

jessdawncollkei 1 4h4m

NTA i don’t have much to add that other people haven’t already said except that a guy I met in college didn’t have an eye (accident) and when we first met him he always wore a fake eye. Eventually he got comfortable enough in our small class to stop wearing it and literally no one thought any different of him. He met his now wife at a party where he wasn’t wearing his eye and he was so embarrassed but honestly people don’t care and his parents had just trained him to think something was wrong with him and he’d be made fun of for being different but once you find your people they don’t care about superficial stuff like that

CaptCaffeine 1 4h5m


There are so many red flags and wrong things your "family" (exception is the aunt) is saying:

  • parents lying about people contributing money (what parents would purposely lie to their song?)
  • brother is and should always be my priority (what? shouldn't it be parents priority to a certain age?)
  • uncle saying fiancee/stepson is not yet family (what reasoning is that?)
  • relatives saying you ruined it for brother (but brother has not said anything)

You have already sacrificed a lot (financially and socially) for your brother.

Your family brings up the burnscar issue because they are blind to their own selfishness and materialistic views that they think fiancé and everyone else are the same way.

Good for you to have the confidence regarding your scar, and for focusing on your future family.

Constant-Attitude643 1 4h5m

What contributing to your brothers wedding, you are his brother not a dad. Obviously NTA.

Key_Acanthaceae_2276 1 4h5m

NTA, it’s funny they say that she’s using you to look after her son when that’s what your parents are and have been doing for years

pgh9fan 1 4h6m

NTA. You said that your parents were all about appearances. This is why they don't think you can have a serious relationship because of your scar. They don't seem to understand that most people aren't that shallow.

OP, You're da MVP.

-chelle- 1 4h6m

NTA - Since when is a wedding more important than someone's well-being? I understand he's your brother but it is not your responsibility to take care of him for the rest of his life. At some point, your parents are actually going to have to be a parent and provide for him too. I too would do anything to help my brother out, but this is a bit ridiculous. Also, why is it so shocking to your parents that you've found a partner that finds you attractive because you are you. Are you supposed to not find anyone because you have a burn on your face? Who cares about that! You're obviously a good person and that's what truly matters.

NotFredRhodes 1 4h6m

So listen, you’re obviously NTA, but more importantly, you sound like a phenomenal man and father. Your fiancée and her son are lucky to have you, and I wish you all the success and happiness for the future.

PenelopeDreddfull 1 4h7m

I didn't even read the story. You are absolutely, unequivocally, completely NTA for putting your child's needs first. Your brother is a big boy now- if he's old enough to get married, he's old enough to foot the bill for it!

Edit: Read the story. My judgment still stands. OP your birth family is cancerous, cut them out.

xlxcx 1 4h9m

NTA and thank your lucky stars your aunt is normal and warned you.

AsherFenix 1 4h10m

NTA. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with your parents. Why are they like this.

MNGirlinKY 1 4h11m

NTA Not everyone is focused on appearances Thank goodness or some of us that aren’t “perfect” on the outside but are damn incredible on the inside would never have a love life, but a burn scar is just that; just a scar. My best friend is GORGEOUS inside and out and she has a very large burn scar on her neck back and chest down her arm on one side from an accident when she was a toddler. Guess what? No one noticed because she shines so bright and I bet you are the same. You sound amazing, family doesn’t have to stay in your life because of blood. Move forward with your new son and almost wife! Get the new prosthetic and wish your brother the best with a card and small gift like the rest of the siblings in the world. I’m sorry your family is ganging up on you it’s not right but it sounds like you will be okay. Sending positive vibes

kindashort72 1 4h11m

NTA,time to go no contact with them. They can pay for the golden boy's wedding. The family you're making with your fiance and step son are your priority.

AmishTanker 1 4h13m

Info: What does the brother have to say? Is your brother broke, does he work? How about your brother's fiancée? Who will pay for your wedding?

This all sounds pretty wacky.

NTA I might donate to a sibling's wedding if there were extenuating circumstances, but your brother needs to understand financial responsibility before he starts his own family.

Lavishness-Economy 1 4h14m

NTA. And can I just say that you sound like a very fantastic person.

catschainsequel 1 4h14m

NTA, run from this family they have issues.

WaDaEp 1 4h14m

It's ironic that the group of people calling someone else greedy is the same group who lied to you to get $10k for themselves.


And it's shitty of your family to say that nobody can love you because of your burn scar.

And as others in the thread said, get in contact with children's organization that can help your fiancee's kid with prosthetics, physical therapy, etc.

virgulesmith 1 4h14m

NTA - wow. This is so messed up. Your parents are THE PARENTS. it's their job to pay for their child, not yours. You already gave them childcare when he was growing up.

Nathanfatherhouse 1 4h16m

NTA - Is there any reason your brother isn't paying for his own wedding, also what's good thoughts on this. Does he know your family are hounding you on his behalf?

formerretailwhore 1 4h17m

NTA old enough to get married.. old enough to pay for it your damn self

Go help your kid and go nc with them.

Zerough7707 1 4h17m

Gonna keep it 100. It's not your fucking wedding. You don't have to pay shit. Your parents or your brother can, not you. Your stepson needs that leg a lot more than your brother needs that wedding. Cheap weddings are still weddings.

Th3_Mack 1 4h19m

I knew you weren’t the Asshole just from the title - why should you pay for your brother’s wedding at all? But I thought I’d read the whole thing just in case I was missing something crucial. I wish I hadn’t, as I’m now just angry that people like this exist.

The audacity of your parents. I am outraged for you. I don’t usually get triggered reading things in this sub but this has really got to me. In particular, your mom dating to talk about how your fiancé was clearly using you to provide for her son. Hol’ up. The woman who wants you to singlehandedly pay for (one of) her son’s wedding has the nerve to accuse someone else of using you to provide for their son?! This is almost as rich as they think you are.

Your aunt seems great, your brother might be ok too as I don’t see anywhere that he’s actually asked you for anything. The rest? If they were my family I’d tell them to get in the fucking sea.

secrettimez 1 4h23m


Even if you break up with your fiance.. the leg will be life changing. I can't even believe parents would lie or demand that of one child at all for any reason.

So weird.

FinnNoodle 1 4h24m

NTA, and you can pay for your brother's wedding just as soon as he pays for yours.

Kate_The_Great_414 1 4h25m


Take care of your little family first.

Your brother is a grown adult, let him pay for his own wedding. Your awful parents have no business spending your money.

Wishing you the best, and enjoy your son.

Stematt1 1 4h25m

NTA that’s bull crap in the chicken coop! For one, my wedding was in a chapel in Reno and cost a whopping $78 and it included my bouquet! I’m a widow now but was JUST as married as every other married couple! It’s a prosthetic LEG! How do they even think that compares to a fancy wedding?!?! They can go to the courthouse! I REALLY hope you can get your 10k back!

Petite_Tsunami 1 4h25m


wedding for a grown ass adult who can earn money VS prosthetic leg for a child.

Honestly even if it was wedding for a grown ass adult who can earn money VS savings if still say savings.

It’s the era of covid and uncertainty. Even if it wasn’t, once again, he’s a grow ass adult. I love how much you love, but focus it on the mrs. and son and the sketchy squirrel that visits every 3 months over your ‘blood family’.

ImFinePleaseThanks 1 4h25m

NTA - OP, you are doing a WONDERFUL thing for your stepson.

You two WILL have a bond for life, even if you would stop seeing his mother that kid will always love you if you let him.

What you are doing for him is life changing. I feel like crying I'm so happy for him and you.

Your father-son bromance is a very beautiful thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Eff your family. They are the ones that are trying to use you and bleed you dry.

Your fiancé is your present and your future. Enjoy life with your little family and be happy. Those leeches can go kick dirt.

Fuwa_mori 1 4h26m

Man, you’re really a good guy! Good for you for standing up for yourself, fiancé, and son. NAT at all! You’re priorities are right where they should be.

If it was my family, we wouldn’t of even considered an extravagant wedding if we couldn’t provide it ourselves. Not that family wouldn’t offer to help but just the principle of the matter.

Mamasan- 1 4h27m

Just needed to read the title


What does your brothers wedding have to do with your money.

Aj-Fast 1 4h28m

NTA Your family is entitled. However you must have wait till your wedding with your fiance. Your parents acting like asshole. But I don't rush spend all the money on future stepson because. I have seen my friend wedding which was stopped on alter (7 year together)

twilekquinn 1 4h28m

So, they want you to pay for your brothers wedding having already sacrificed half your childhood because they couldn't be arsed to raise him, think denying a kid a prosthetic is cool AND implied you're too hideous for anyone to be interested in you for a reason other than money. You're clearly NTA here my friend

BDThrills 1 4h33m

NTA Your family is the one using you as an ATM. They are worse than any gold digger. Even if things with your fiance didn't work out, the donation of a prosthetic leg would make a HUGE benefit for a child.

painkilleraddict6373 1 4h33m

What is wrong ppl? I need to stop reading this sub.

Nta,for using logic.A prosthetic more important then a one night party.

ericfishlegs 1 4h34m

NTA. I'm glad you're making your own family with your fiancé and step-son because the family you were born into isn't worth shit.

Posey1124 1 4h35m

NTA. Next time your family tries to tell you that your fiancée is only with you for your money, ask them how they’re any different. You volunteered to pay for your stepson’s prosthetic leg. They are demanding that you front the entire bill for your brother’s wedding.

Cut them all off. This level of toxicity is not healthy for you, your fiancée, or your stepson.

PhoneboothLynn 1 4h36m

NTA! It's the bride's family's responsibility to pay for the wedding. The groom's family handles the rehearsal dinner. I have 4 daughters and one son. I learned these things.

Take care of your new family with a light heart. 🎈

Light_Side_Dark_Side 1 4h37m

What the fuck is wrong with your parents

paviator 1 4h37m

Read the title only....a big NTA

alexfarmer777 1 4h37m

NTA, If I were in ur situation I would not, no matter how tempting it is, make a point of not spending money on ur brother so as to instead spend it on something else (no matter what that is). As tempting as it is, just don’t burn down a bridge unnecessarily, keep your money to yourself definitely but I think in the future if u want to keep relationships good with your fam just keep them out of ur financial matters.

This is a complete separate note and I mean no disrespect to ur step son but won’t he grow out of a prosthetic leg or are they adjustable?

Not-a-babygoat 1 4h40m

NTA You need to focus on yourself for once in your life.

thetruefirelord115 1 4h41m

Wow, just f*cking wow, the sheer audacity and hypocrisy radiating from these people.

“Relationships that are built on greed don’t last”

Way to call the kettle black, I love these types of people. The attitude where when they do it, it’s perfectly reasonable and acceptable, but if someone else does it, it’s unreasonable and disrespectful.

OP, your parents essentially used you as a stand-in parent for your brother and a free ATM, tell them to pound sand, you are NTA and I hope your step-son loves his new prosthetic leg.

thatonepersoniam 1 4h41m

NTA- Your family treats you like a free bank account. They're selfish and mean and abusive. They have no right to your money. They have no business talking about your fiance like that. They're greedy, abusive, horrible monsters who weaponize guilt to make you do what they want.

No more money for any of them. Firm rule. Let them love or remedy you for who you are and not your wallet.

ApprehensiveGrass4 1 4h42m


Sometimes, all you really need is to do is to read your own title, and then you'll easily be able to make the distinction.

cosmicdelic 1 4h42m

You need to go NC with your family. They most definitely are using you and manipulating you. I am so sorry. You must do what is right for YOU. They can kick rocks.

JanuarySoCold 1 4h42m

NTA Even if your stepson wasn't your family, spending your money buying someone a prosthetic leg is a much better use of money than a wedding.

3Colton 1 4h46m

Damn your family is toxic. NTA

kinda_jew_dude 1 4h46m

NTA. Parentification. Look it up if you don't know what it is. They sound like they're using you and that doesn't sound like much of a family to me. Family isn't always those who are blood-related to you

Arsis82 1 4h47m

NTA. Doesn't sounds like he's the golden so much as a a child they regret having and forced you to raise and convinced you he was important so you'd do it. Go NC with everyone who isn't supportive of you, your fiance, and your future son. They're your family now and they're all that will matter in the end.

Blim4 1 4h48m

NTA. You're a good dad and a good husband and a good Brother and a decent-enough son, and it's unreasonable to expect you to still Put your Brother First when both of you have partners, and you also have a Kid. Lying about other people's contributions to get you to pay thousands for a Wedding that is mostly for your parents' benefit, is especially vile. Stepson needs a Leg, and quite possibly you're also going to need some Money for lawyers and paperwork to adopt him, and also you're getting married yourself in the Not too distant future, seeing as you refer to your Partner as fiancee.

cuukymberr 1 4h49m

Hey OP, I just want to say that this whole post amazes me and seems to say a lot about you. It’s obvious you love your brother and care a lot, and love your future son and fiancé so much! This isn’t super helpful and I’m sure there’s a lot of decent advice in the thread (like going around your family to contact your brother directly and let him know you care, but that your first responsibility is your soon-to-be wife and child), but I want to wish you the absolute best. Fiancé and kiddo seem to be gaining a very wonderful addition to their family! I’m going to put my own rose-colored glasses on and say that I’m really rooting for you all :)

DeoRexRat 1 4h50m

Jesus Christ your family is horrible. Why do you still put up with that? Cut contact and go enjoy you life without their entitlement and deceit.

3Magic_Beans 1 4h50m

NTA! The absolute audacity of your family to make demands that you pay for your ADULT brother's wedding. Your son comes first, always. Tell your family to pound sand!

AintNooneGotTime4Dat 1 4h50m

NTA. I'm not even sure why you are expected to pay anything towards your BROTHERS wedding, this is just insane to me. If your parents want to pay, fine. If you want to give a gift, fine, but the expectation just baffles me. It's your money, your life, your decision, don't let your family tell you who is important in your life. Only you know that. Best of luck to you!

willowintheev 1 4h52m

NTA in no universe are you the asshole

dainty_dragonfly 1 4h52m


Your relationship with your fiance isn't based on greed, their relationship with you is. And it's really rich of them to say that your brother will resent you, like you don't resent them

GoThirdParty 1 4h52m

NTA and frankly, I'm not sure why you would stay in contact with any of these people?

AlwaysJeepin 1 4h52m

You did the right thing and definitely NTA. I'm just curious, what does your brother say? Have you guys talked to each other about this stuff?

JiuJitsuPatricia 1 4h53m

it boggles my mind that people like your parents exist. How on earth is it even in the realm of reasonable for you to have done so much for your brother already? he's not your kid, why were you responsible for so much of his upbringing? and then to expect you to pay 15k for a wedding?!?!?! absolutely bonkers, i can't even comprehend any of this.

NTA. Take care of your fiance and your son.

Maybe talk to your brother cos it seems like this madness isn't his idea.

maggieandminky 1 4h53m

NTA your son walking is more important than anyone’s wedding wtf

DissposableRedShirt6 1 4h53m

NTA having had family and extended family with narcissistic tendencies I get it. This romanticized idea that blood is thicker than water is nice for the movies but real life is different. Live your own life, be happy. Best of luck.

iAmTheRealDeeDee 1 4h53m

Paying for a glorified party vs. paying for a prosthetic leg for a child you now see as your son. Though choice... NOT! Anyone with an ounce of goodness in their hearts would realize what's more important here. Not to mention the fact that they tried to lie to you into paying for the whole thing.

The fact that you even consider that you might be an asshole shows how much they manipulated you in the past. Parentification is horrible. You were never meant to do THEIR job and take over THEIR responsibility. NTA, ofc.

mikail2018 1 4h54m


The only people using you to provide for their son are your parents.

saltymamakuj 1 4h55m

NTA. Pretty clear your family is accusing your fiancée of that which they are clearly guilty of.

SavageAsperagus 1 4h56m

NTA! I will get censored for this but your parents seemed very emotionally messed up. In turn their behavior has made a mess of your brother. Marry your fiancée and lived your best life. Sounds like she and her son have become a real and beautiful family to you. And if you live in the US see about getting your stepson help with his prosthesis from a Shriners’ Hospital. They took care of my son until he turned 21.

mightythorbowski 1 4h58m

NTA. This is in top 10 toxic family relationships I’ve heard of. Stop financially contributing for your brother he’s a grown ass man

Uniquallified 1 4h59m

I know it's not 100% relevant, but who in this day and age is still spending all this money on weddings?

Absolutely NTA

ka0tika 1 5h0m

Definitely NTA. Weddings are a WASTE OF MONEY.

SadPotato_Girl 1 5h0m

NTA. Your family was being selfish and quite honestly a little toxic. It was your money and you get to choose what to do with it.

Atexan1979 1 5h1m

Even if you didn’t have a fiancé, it’s. It your responsibility to keep providing or taking care of your brother.

Mrst0530 1 5h1m

NTA I don’t fully understand the need for your family to chip in for a wedding. It’s nice yes but If your brother cannot afford to have the type of Wedding he and his SO wants then they should either be having a cheaper wedding or saving up. It’s your money and you were tricked and persuaded to contribute. You taking your money back and using it for your new son seems well worth the priority than a wedding.

IllegalLettuce 1 5h1m


Sounds like all your family cares about you for is using you. That aunt has a stainless steel spine though. Proof on that is they tried to tell you your fiancée stole you. It’s a thing called love, but they wouldn’t understand.

obbets 1 5h3m

NTA. The child needs a disability aid more than your brother needs a fancy wedding!

However I’m unsure if your brother is forming a part of this? Maybe I missed that in your post.

Consider speaking directly to your brother and explaining that you’re unable to contribute to his wedding because you have to make sure your son has a prosthetic leg. I hope that he will react well. Maybe you two can salvage your relationship. Right now, I feel like your parents are just going to get worse and worse, and it will eventually end up pushing you away altogether.

Taggerung179 1 5h3m


You've supported your brother when he needed you and you don't regret it. Good

The problem here is that it's your parents trying to force you to pay for something that your brother hasn't personally asked for help nor the rest of your family is contributing towards either.

Honestly, the bit about asking you to pay while not willing is the big AH move here. If you were so inclined (and by no means are you obligated to), you could offer to match your (or part of) family up to a certain amount, that way whenever they give you shit for not paying for your brother's wedding, you can fling it right back at them while taking the 'moral higher ground.'

But at the end of the day, seeing your stepson run on his own two feet will be totally worth it.

Daemonised 1 5h4m

definitely NTA your priorities changed when you fell in love your family needs to understand that the "bank of SammySamXxX" is now closed to them and short of an emergency situation will be closed to them forever more.

Zeldalover1698 1 5h4m

They seem to forget the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb NTA

Planegoes_nyoooom 1 5h5m

NTA at all

OldPolishProverb 1 5h6m

NTA You are being used. You are not obligated to pay for anything. If social pressure gets to great offer to pick up the bill for something. Like paying for the photographer or a down payment on the venue. Just make sure that you pay theses directly to the vendor. Do not give any money to your parents or brother.

avroots 1 5h7m

NTA - A few follow up questions. You are also engaged. What is your family contributing to YOUR wedding? Regardless of the answer, they have no right to expect you to contribute to your brothers wedding at all, let alone when you are paying for your own wedding and caring for your family.

Also, your brother is 25. Does he not have a job or his own savings? And what is the brides family contributing? Traditionally, the only thing the grooms family contributes to the wedding is paying for the rehearsal dinner. That isn't as much the case anymore, but the point stands that you don't have to contribute shit.

WolfgangAddams 1 5h7m

NTA. I think it's rich that your parents accuse your fiance of using your for your money when that's exactly whay THEY are doing. Transference, much?

Freshanator86 1 5h8m

Do you really need to ask?

stark-anium 1 5h8m

i don’t understand posts like this... obviously you’re gonna spend your money on your sons medical needs instead of your brothers luxuries. did you really expect anyone to tell you you’re the asshole here?

mxsunshine 1 5h8m

So why is your brother's fiance considered family but your fiance and her kid aren't?

zoeylucysophie 1 5h8m

I think your fiancée is probably with you because you sound like a wonderful guy. Don’t listen to your family at all. You are completely NTA

volkov69 1 5h8m

Your brother needs to grow up. It sounds like your stepson is more mature than him. Hell, it sounds like he's more mature than the rest of your family put together! You absolutely need to take a step back. What happens if your brother wants to buy a house? Are you paying for that too? Your parents birthed him. Not you. You have zero responsibility for him. Your priority now lies with your fiancée and your bonus son. I wish you guys all the very best for the future and hope he gets his new leg and new found freedom that'll bring too. ❤️

toeyilla_tortois 1 5h9m

A sad sad life , NTA

TheBlack2007 1 5h9m

NTA. Cut contact with everyone that berated you over this, OP. You are not supposed to cover healthcare for your future son but sure as hell have to pay for your brother's wedding? They sound like a bunch of awful, entitled people.

Half_Man1 1 5h10m


Can we take a moment to point out the staggering amount of projection coming from your mom’s mouth here?

I mean-

“[She] was using me to provide for her son.”

Who do you think better fits that description there? You raised your brother in part since you were 8, which is by the way, vastly inappropriate and your parents abdicated way too much responsibility onto you. Your fiancée’s son is about to be YOUR son once you get married and adopt him, so that ends that distinction.

badassandfifty 1 5h10m

NTA and I think you are going to make a fabulous father to your wife’s son. He is very lucky to have a wonderful man like you in his life. I hope all three of you and future children have a great life. As for the you brother, I do not believe anyone needs a big expensive wedding to get married. If someone wants to marry someone else the cost of the wedding should only be what is affordable. You work with what you have, not what you can guilt trip others into giving you! Your brothers marriage will be successful or not based on him and his wife, not a fancy wedding. Take care of your family and that son to be of yours!!! I wish you the best.

VDrk72 1 5h10m

Hey OP. I have a few questions for you.

  1. Do you love your fiance?

  2. Do you love your stepson?

  3. Do you want to spend money on them?

Given your post, the answer to all 3 is probably all yes. In which case, that's it. Who cares about if they're family or not yet. None of that matters. You've weighed the pros and cons, and this is what you want to do. Thats the end of the story. Hope you have good times ahead bud!

galaxybookworm123 1 5h10m


FarawaySalt 1 5h11m



Then ask,"Then why are [ your parents] still together?"

FurryDrift 1 5h11m

Bat, they used you for so long. Then you left and they couldnt use you like a pack animal for thier own responsibility. God just sick hearing how they ticketed you like that.

teuchterK 1 5h11m

So you have a son with expensive medical needs and a wedding of your own to pay for, yet you’re expected to contribute $15k for your adult brother’s wedding? On what planet are your family living??!

  1. It strikes me your brother should have budgeted for a wedding he could afford.
  2. Why on earth has he waited til a month before his wedding to ask for such a huge amount of money? It sounds like he expected you to contribute all along.

Your parents are massively Just No. in your shoes, I’d back off and go low/no contact with all of them including your brother.


the_onlyfox 1 5h12m

NTA if you wanted to contribute anything to the wedding it would be between you and your brother, not you and your family.

Your family is greedy af

Bajingosisters 1 5h12m

You're mom mixed on thig s up. It's you're mom who's pissed because you refuse to provide for your moms son

Tell your mom to provide for her own son like she should've been without your help since he was born. You are not your brother father. Perhaps they forgot that.


WhoviannaWildcat 1 5h12m

Having come from toxic and manipulative parenting, you, sir, are NTA.

Ugh this makes me so sick when I read about others going through this as well. I’m so so sorry.

Over the years I limited contact...but didn’t fully cut contact because culturally I was raised with Southern American views on being there for family. My Dad was big on it, but he and I also had each other to vent to over my Mom’s and Sister’s behavior. (You can clearly see who took after which parent in my family.) Anyway, I felt a LOT of guilt at the prospect of cutting/limiting contact. But...at the end of the day it got better when I did.

So the short of it is...you are most definitely NTA. In fact you’re downright amazing to the point that your fiancée and step-son hit the most-kickass human being jackpot with you!!! You do you, boo. I freaking admire you, tbh.

Understanding fist bump to you. Do not let the toxic members of your family tell you how you should live your life. And...your Aunt gets cool-ass family member bonus points for telling you how it really is.

Best of luck to you and the family you are building. You deserve much happiness! 😎❤️

madmaxextra 1 5h13m

NTA obviously and your parents are projecting. They accuse your fiance of using you for your money because they want to do that instead of her.

heathellaa 1 5h14m

NTA, ask your family if they will chip in 15k for YOUR wedding

F4rtMasterFlex 1 5h14m

NTA I’m sure r/insaneparents would have a field day with this. Your family is right about people using you, they just didn’t tell you that it’s them.

Xavinights 1 5h15m

I didn't even read it but NTA. Your brother's wedding is his responsibility.

Now Imma read the post

particledamage 1 5h15m

How would you be an asshole for this? "Am an an asshole ensuring a child has a LEG?"

What the fuck is going on here?

OurLadyofHalloween 1 5h15m

NTA you are NOT your brothers parent. And even if you were he’s still not entitled to his wedding being paid for. If he’s old enough to get married he’s old enough to have a job like an adult. You’ve done way too much for him—you’re supposed to be his brother not his 2nd dad

mathhews95 1 5h15m

NTA. Look, he didn't need you, he needed your parents and they pushed that onto you. But if you don't resent them, it's not up to us to tell you how to feel. But you shouldn't need to pay for your adult brother. He can get a job and pay for his own wedding.

Suzette100 1 5h15m

I don’t have to read any further than the headline. No. Your family comes first and a wedding is a party. Ridiculous

bw08761 1 5h16m

NTA. your brother was never your responsibility from the get go. your parents are his parents. not you.

goblin_kidd 1 5h16m


Thats pretty fuckin rich coming from her, the person who used her OWN CHILD to provide for her son. You don't owe them anything. Them making you raise him for them is parentification and abusive. YOU DONT OWE THEM ANYTHING. Little golden boy can live without a bells and whistles wedding, or better yet THEY as his PARENTS can provide it for him. You are absolutely in the right place chosing to buy a prosthetic for a disabled child. Nta. At all.

SolomonCRand 1 5h16m

NTA. Why would you pay for your brother’s wedding? My sister didn’t pay anything for mine, and I don’t intend to pay anything for hers. This isn’t a tradition or anything, they’re just trying to take your money because they’ve trained you to give it to them. Don’t.

aloverland 1 5h16m

I feel so bad for you that you were ever put in a position where you had to even ask this question.

NTA. Not in the slightest.

tworaspberries 1 5h17m

Umm I didn't even have to read your emotional story where you have to try and justify why you're NTA. You're NTA.

lovelychef87 1 5h17m

Nta. Family your wife and son are using you

Also your family we expect all your money and free time for your brother we will shame you if you don't.

Logical???? You're nice enough to afford money I would've done that. Also if your family is so mad let them pool together and pay.

The1stassassin42 1 5h19m

NTA. They're basically trying to push the responsibility of raising your little bro onto you. In my opinion, FUCK THAT in all caps. You've shown that you love your little bro and will always be there for him. If your relatives can't see that, they are absolutely fucking blind. Also, they wanna talk shit about you for what you did, but they weren't gonna contribute to shit. They literally were gonna make you pay for the whole thing. They wanna preach about family bond, and lie to you like that to manipulate you? They're hypocrites and they pretty much betrayed your trust, so much for that bond. And good on you for putting your soon to be wife and child first, as any father should.

whitethrowblanket 1 5h19m

The last paragraph just solidifies even more how big of AHs your family really are. They literally think your fiance is with you because of money because apparently your scar makes you what, ugly and unworthy of love or something? You're obviously a kind and generous person. You're definitely NTA and you'll be much better off with your greedy, selfish, self centered family members. They can pony up the cash themselves for your brothers wedding, you focus on your new family that you get to choose

A-Shot-Of-Jamison 1 5h21m

NTA. The cherry on this rancid sundae is the parents insinuating OP is unlovable because of his burn scar.

OP, drop your family like yesterday’s bran muffin.

InvalidBeanpole 1 5h23m

Let's strip this down to its most basic form.

A one-day celebration vs. a 13-year-old boy's ability walk for however many years his prosthetic holds up.


Side note, I almost want to cry, I'm so happy for your stepson. I still remember the day I got my manual wheelchair, after being in a transport chair for 11 months, and the sheer joy I felt. That kid's quality of life is about to shoot through the roof.

aikotoba86 1 5h23m

Relationships that are built on greed don't last, now give me money!!!! NTA.

annie_isokay 1 5h24m

As an amputee myself I can’t thank you enough on behalf of your son! Getting a prosthetic leg helped me feel more independent than I did before it was chopped off. You don’t owe your family a goddamn cent or second more and should go minimal contact or no contact for a while! NTA

AmunRa1928 1 5h27m

NTA Your brother is 25, hes an adult and is responsible for his needs. Your parents are incompetent assholes who forced a child to become a surrogate parent, something that should never happen to any kid. They can frankly fuck off, the shitty twatnuggets.

You are, without a doubt, one of the best examples of an adoptive (Or soon to be) dad ever for prioritizing your stepsons quality of life over someone elses wedding.

Traveler25151 1 5h29m

Definitely NTA. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and it sounds like you’re going into your relationship with your fiancée with blind faith and eyes wide open. Gift your soon-to-be stepson with a prosthetic leg if you want. Your parents tried to make you into your brother’s third parent, and if your brother doesn’t understand having a different relationship as adults doesn’t mean you don’t love him, that’s their fault, not yours or his.

Judgement_Bot_AITA 1m



I feel that I'm the asshole because it looks like I don't care about my brother and they've probably told him to resent me for not helping him.

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witchbrew7 -9 1h36m

NTA. Which culture is your family associated with? I am unfamiliar with the norms of some. If your family identifies as the regular old Americans, then I guess I might ask “wtf is your family thinking.”

Austin101___ -92 28m

ESH- it's your money but also it's your fault for letting them stomp all over your boundaries and letting this go on for so long.

MediumSympathy 25 2h17m

That's super unfair. OP was an abused child who was raised thinking of these absurd expectations as normal. It sounds like he has done really well and set some huge boundaries since meeting his fiancee. Lots of people never get that far, especially while choosing to maintain some form of relationship with the domineering family members. It must have taken a lot of self awareness and emotional work to get to this point, and if he keeps questioning things like this he will keep making progress.

Myabyssalwhip 4h8m

Actually relationships you choose to make are way stronger than ones you’re forced to have under the guise don”family” the people closest to me in my life, besides my mom, are all people I’ve chosen to be in my life. Don’t let your family use that old tires trick to guilt you. If they are so worried about to, let them contribute to the wedding.

FredFlintstoneLOL 5h23m

I already know this is going to be downvoted into oblivion but...

YTA for enabling them for this long and letting your family push you around... If brother and family can't afford the wedding, you still offering $10k is absurd. They should be reassessing their priorities if they can't scratch together two dimes then why are they wasting money they don't have on a wedding?