Enneagram Pairing Type 4 & 4

4 - The Romantic Individualist

Individualist, Tragic-Romantic, Connoisseur, Humanitarian, Aesthetic Person, One-of-a-kind, Dramatic King or Queen

4 - The Romantic Individualist


Core Pattern

Fours want to be recognized and appreciated for their uniqueness. They relish the attention, at times even demand it, and possess a keen emotional awareness and flair for drama.

Shared Values

Fours value art, creativity, beauty, and emotional depth above all else. Fours are emotionally vulnerable, expressive, artistic, and romantic: they place a substantial value on originality, sensitivity, emotional intelligence, privacy, and bonding as a result.

How You Complement Each Other

Like all double-type relationships, Fours generally bring the same qualities to one another. This can mean high levels of complementarity, but also high levels of competition. The Four-Four duo usually lends itself to incredible, deep friendship, which can quickly develop into romance if the spark is there.

Relating to one another, Fours feel a unique understanding, made so because Fours so typically feel misunderstood by the rest of the world. These two can drop into intimacy with one another quickly, sharing stories of childhood traumas, psychological catastrophes, and significant disappointments as if they were discussing the weather. In one another, Fours find an emotionally available sensitive conversation partner unlike anyone else.

No subject is too dark, deep, or painful for these two, and each of them can have the experience of being adequately met and mirrored by the other, a form of emotional validation Fours so deeply crave. These two will also likely share a rather dark sense of humor and will enjoy laughing at themselves and each other for their twisted, lonely quirks.

Additionally, in one another, the Four-Four pair finds ample encouragement and support for all creative pursuits, and can often rely on one another as inspiration or sounding board for their artistic endeavors. There is a sense of deep trust, and emotional safety between these two made even sweeter by the fact that due to their connection, each Four usually feels a sense of permission to be more fully themselves. There is a sense they are not alone, and that nothing is wrong with them.

How You Can Get Into Trouble

A lot of the Four identity is built around their individuality; they have a deep and abiding need to be viewed as special and unique. This could cause trouble when two Fours are meant to occupy the same space: the relationship can become jealous, competitive, and spiteful quickly. Fours also tend to wear their trauma like a badge of honor, meaning two or more Fours can devolve into “Who’s more damaged?” contests, with stories shared for the sake of competition and one-up-man-ship, not vulnerability or building connection.

Because they experience themselves as deeply wounded, Fours are typically seeking a rescuer unconsciously, which could cause more problems if either these two Fours are hoping to be saved by the same third other or they believe they have found their savior in one another. The let down could be huge when the projections inevitably crumble.

Furthermore, there is a high potential these two will withdraw and shield themselves from one another during times of conflict—for all their emotional sensitivity, Fours withhold attention and affection when things are not going their way. They also have trouble trusting others, an inherent trait which is exacerbated by conflict. No matter how close or emotionally connected, the potential to trip the mistrust breaker is always neighing with a Four.

Fours can see through each other’s quirks with relative ease, and might have a tendency to become annoyed and intolerant: to a Four, the “sensitivities” of another Four can seem petty, unimportant, or over the top. Generally, Fours can slip into moody, incommunicative, passive-aggressive behavior with relative ease, no matter how bonded they may be with one another.

What Each Type Needs To Be Aware Of

Each Four should be mindful of each other’s high demand for attention and emotional mirroring. When healthy this tendency can result in each of both parties feeling validated, seen, and well-regulated, but there is potential for the behavior to trigger more negative coping mechanisms in each person. In a work environment, know that Fours tend to play favorites with their coworkers, and typically they don’t have much shame in showing it.

This can create comradery, but it can also result in disharmony, so it is an excellent tendency to be aware of in one another. Also keep in mind that because of Four’s seeking special attention and treatment, they do not have much long-term enthusiasm for challenging professional projects: they tend to lose interest once they’ve stopped receiving attention. Personally, Fours should always be aware of how they speak to one another.

Because of their emotional acuity, they are skilled at picking up on buttons, soft spots, or potential danger zones. In times of conflict, they are not above using these observations as weapons. Weaponized words said in the heat of the moment, however, can never be unsaid, so it is imperative all Fours stay alert to their own words and how they use them.

How You Can Support One Another

Professionally, Fours will be most supportive of one another by giving each other their own space to shine and offering authentic appreciation for a job well-done. Additionally, Fours can be invaluable to one another for their creative and artistic input, as they tend to have high levels of artistic ability across the board. When working on long-term projects, Fours will need extra support and encouragement during the mundane bits, as their interest in their plans tends to wane as other people’s interest in them does.

Fours should attend to one another as much as they can to ensure continued productivity. Personally, these two are inherently supportive of one another without needing to do anything just because of their shared ability to dive deep emotionally and psychologically. Fours are adept at unearthing inner truths, no matter how painful or ugly the rest of the world might view them, and in each other, they find profound emotional support and close friendship.

In A Romantic Context

Fours are the Enneagram’s Venus, full of romance, art, beauty, and deep feelings. As veritable Aphrodite, when two Fours fall in love with one another, the relationship can escalate to operatic levels of grand passion quickly. Moreover, because both players are Fours, neither finds the scene over the top in the slightest.

Indeed, these two find their emotional charisma to be the bread and butter of their relationship: the more ups and downs they weather together, and the closer they become, the more emotionally enmeshed and unstable they can become. There is an inherent drama to this coupling, but also a natural arch, like "Gone With The Wind" or watching the birth of a star in some many-colored nebula. It’s epic, but Fours thrive on the bigness of their feelings and the closeness they feel to each other.

There is a danger, however, of letting all other aspects of life fall to the wayside in their fascination with one other and their mutual love of their cinematic love affair. Things like children, careers, future goals, and other practicalities can become mere dots on the horizon.

Besides their love of each other, and the highs and lows associated with that, this relationship is characterized by deep friendship and emotional candor; even when they’re not in the throes of some upheaval, there is an enviable closeness and connectivity shared between these two. This is aided by the fact that, because they are both Fours, they can uniquely honor and value the personal stories of the other, validating and supporting their flourishing.

As one might imagine though, this emotional rollercoaster can fly off its tracks quickly, especially if one or both parties are at a lower level of health. It starts because both Fours want to be the center of attention during emotional crises, which means neither party has the bandwidth or desire to attend to their partner.

Fours can be self-absorbed and tend to track, with painstaking precision, what they are and are not getting in the relationship. This kind of tally can be detrimental to all feelings of healthy attachment and closeness. Resentment builds between them as they demand special attention but don’t give it.

Additionally, they can start to resent one another for not meeting their image of their “ideal mate,” whom most Fours have sought for a long time. Resentful, disillusioned, and hurt, Fours can become sullen, disdainful, and withdrawn. The passion they shared in love turns into passion in hatred, and both parties can volley hurtful, poignantly offensive things at the other.

Because they have most likely shared their entire life stories, including all manner of insecurities and past traumas, there is no end to the amount of damage these two can do to each other once the spell is broken and the bitter hatred sinks in. At this stage, it is unlikely that any warmth will be resurrected between the once-lovers: the relationship will crash and burn. It is imperative for this couple to give each other ample time and attention before things get out of hand, as well as be clear with each other about expectations, needs, and desires.

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Max Marmer
