Hollywood Teeth

I do a joke in my act about a disagreement I got into with my dentist when I went in for a crown and he basically told me my teeth look like Mountain Dew. I’ve always thought I had a pretty nice smile, but after being introduced to what “Hollywood teeth” look like, I started to think that dentist may have been right and started checking out professional teeth whitening. It seems like Zoom Whitening was pretty much the industry standard. It takes about an hour and though it looked uncomfortable, I thought to myself, “I can do anything for an hour.”

They start by putting in one of those mouth-stretcher-outer things to keep your mouth open. And then they start painting your teeth with the bleaching material. After that they put this UV light in your mouth for 3 rounds of 15 minutes…

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And then VOILA!!! You have glow-in-the-dark teeth like Ross on “Friends.”

The Zoom website tells you that you may experience gum sensitivity, but they leave out the part about the random sharp, throbbing pain in your teeth that’s going to continue for the next 10-12 hours. The only reason I knew this was a possibility was because I mentioned to a friend in passing the day before I went that I was having the procedure and he told me it happened to him. The dentist made it seem like my friend was just being a baby about the whole thing — “mild discomfort” he called it.


It was some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It started while I was still in the chair (my appt. was at 8am) and it lasted until after 11 pm. It had me banging on counters in convenience stores and screaming in my car. My teeth are much whiter, but I will never, NEVER, never ever ever do that again.


This is as good as it gets, Hollywood.