Santa Claus is a Woman?
Defying sacred myth




Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.


Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don’t think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that Mr. Claus is a man.

Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.

When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit? The fact Santa can ignore “fashion” and wear the same suit for 500 years proves he couldn’t possibly be a woman.

And when was the last time Santa answered a letter? Like, never.

And women aren’t interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.

As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble with babes. It’s amazing how grateful a woman is when you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.

Santa also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot-infested chimneys. You think a woman would go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the same day each year. With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she’d have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving each house. Let’s face it, Santa Claus is, and always has been, a guy.

see also   Christmas,  History  &  Relationship  Sections


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