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Davis, California

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Column: Weenie columns

I was pretty fucking lazy this week, so instead of writing a long-ass story that’s too difficult to comprehend, I wrote an ADHD version for all you out there who have an attention span of a goldfish – three seconds.

There’s always a doppelganger of you on campus. I met mine a few weeks ago. He was an obese guy wearing chinos, Birkenstocks, a Zelda: A Link to the Past t-shirt and slave-labor-style, Costco-brand glasses. We made uncomfortable eye contact outside the Silo Pizza Hut. We both had pepperoni. I never saw him again.

The ARC has to block the Food Channel from their TVs in front of the ellipticals and treadmills. Exercising at the gym becomes absolutely futile when I end up going home to imitate Paula Deen’s heart-stopping creations. I think I had a stroke just watching her wrap her lips around that moist, delicate, savory, succulent, mouth-orgasm that is her “donut bacon cheeseburger.”

If you have a geared bicycle, there’s no reason you should put it on the lowest setting ever. Your legs are spinning like a blender, but you’re going as fast as molasses. It looks pitiful. It’s like a human gerbil wheel. I don’t know whether I should tackle you, or give you gerbil food.

Day-old bagels at the ASUCD Coffee House are godly. They should just sell day-old bagels all the time. I would buy them, hands down. Hell, I’d even buy them hands up. I would even buy week-old bagels. Who gives a shit? It’s a round piece of bread with a hole in the middle. I won’t die.

Changing PRS clicker batteries is like rocket science. You need a tool chest with precision Phillips screwdrivers in order to open the goddamn thing. I tried using my fingernails for 20 minutes during a Physics 7B lecture last year. Needless to say, it resulted in me throwing my PRS clicker across the quad while screaming bloody murder.

Why are UC Davis tour guides always hotter than me? Like ridiculously, Vogue-status hotter? Can they smell hotness from the application? Maybe I should have spritzed on some of Britney Spears’ “Curious” or “In Control” perfume on my application before I sent it in … TWO YEARS AGO.

Why do people need pen cases? I call them pen “coffins.” Is it that much trouble to stick the goddamn pens and pencils in your backpack? It’s like a brothel for writing utensils. Speaking of brothels, I saw a Cinderella-themed pen case this past week. It blew my mind. Is there a market for this shit?

My pancakes NEVER turn out like IHOP’s. I always fail miserably. And it’s not the baking soda or vanilla extract trick, either. I’ve tried. IHOP does something to those fucking pancakes that makes them absolutely orgasmic – even at 4 a.m. when I’m barely conscious or strung out on MDMA. (Just kidding, kids. Stay in school and don’t do drugs.)

Everyone thinks they know how to start a charcoal fire. Some say it’s the pyramid formation. Some say it’s the pyramid formation plus some newspaper in the middle. Some say you need to spread the charcoals out. Some say you need to soak the charcoal in lighter fluid. Some say you can’t use too much lighter fluid or else the food will taste like lighter fluid. Some say you need to blow on the charcoal. Some say you should just wait for 20 minutes. You know what I say? SHUT THE FUCK UP AND USE A GAS GRILL ALREADY. I’M HUNGRY, AND THOSE CHEESEBURGERS AREN’T GOING TO COOK THEMSELVES. EXCEPT MAYOR MCCHEESE. HE CAN COOK HIMSELF.

If a professor is a boring lecturer, he should be fired. No questions asked. We need TEACHERS. Not lab-rats who are forced to spew out decades-old drivel. It’s as if you took Droopy, shot him with three times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer, spun him 40 times around on an office chair and then told him to lecture on the intricacies of quantum mechanics. While it sounds funny at first, you’re better off just sleeping in.

Freshmen don’t know about the customer service counter at the UC Davis Bookstore. They just herd to the front of the store like sheep and wait for hours. It’s better for me, because I vowed to never spend more than two minutes in line. I know most upperclassmen are going to hate me for letting this secret out, but I don’t care. The freshies still have no clue what I’m talking about.

DAVE KARIMI thinks the library needs to get more computers that have Microsoft Word. There are THIRTY THOUSAND STUDENTS AND ONLY LIKE 20 COMPUTERS IN THE LAB … DO THE MATH!!! He can be reached at dkarimi@ucdavis.edu.


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