We have a traffic problem right here in River City. It seems that drivers are not heeding speed limits. What, you say, here in South Florida you say? You probably haven’t driven around the circle a couple of times testing the other driver’s reaction times when they’re about to cut you off? This is a little more serious.

Yes, my motoring friends, even if you’ve been under a rock since the invention of the internal combustion engine how could you not notice? Ever since the first traffic officer put his foot on the first bumper and said “Where ya goin’, to a fire”? drivers have tried to smooth talk their way out of a ticket like a used car salesperson on quota at the end of the month. And so traffic laws were born.

Among the first of these laws to go on the books was this one from Memphis Tennessee. “It is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.” And so it was from the turn of the century; no, the other turn of the century. As we in South Florida know, bad driving knows no gender. We’ve seen both men and women applying make-up while driving.

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To this very day there are still some silly laws on the books right here. In Miami, it’s illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Hairy backs are certainly to blame. In Pennsylvania there’s a law that prohibits singing in the bathtub and probably a law which has never been enforced unless the easement between your house and the neighbor’s is 2 feet wide and the window is open…..and you’re a really horrible singer.

It’s very difficult to catch drivers who don’t stop at stop signs. About as difficult as believing The Rock in the movie Tooth Fairy. The neighbors have gotten together and come up with a plan to end this practice. Speed humps with a twist, no, not the drink du jour on South Beach.

It’s the Adopt-A-Hump program. Get a speed hump for your street! What we know as speed bumps are legally called ‘humps’. Speed humps will slow a car down sure, but the trick is to catch the speeder by surprise, similar to the feeling one can get with a special delivery letter from the IRS.  

The idea here is that instead of a permanent speed hump, provide portable ones that will not only startle and surprise drivers but increase visits to the wheel alignment shop. That alone will take about 10% of cars off the road. So how about it, do we have a movement here? There’s a down-side to this. People living on the street in question will actually have to pay for their speed hump. According the Miami-Dade Traffic Engineering Division, ‘The applicant agrees to pay for the cost of design and installation of the speed humps along with the associated signage and pavement markings’.

Well HellllOOOOoooo! If we move the humps around why will we need signage and pavement markings? The element of surprise alone on a darkened street will slow these drivers down and who knows, people might stop driving while holding hot coffee. And by the way, don’t you hate the sound of squealing tires late at night? You’re trying to get sleep and some yahoo gets an adrenaline rush thinking they’ll lay down some rubber just for the heck of it. Let’s exchange those squeals for screams when they realize they’ve messed up the alignment on their faux racer with the loud muffler. Come to think of it, you can hardly hear a scream over those huge speakers.




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