Posts Tagged ‘john hodgman’

fixing the government. you’re welcome

In News and Politics on November 29, 2010 at 8:16 pm

In a nod to John Hodgman, I have decided to fix a major crisis facing the world.  He has a segment on The Daily Show called “You’re Welcome,” where he comes up with a resolution to climate change, the financial meltdown, or international tension.

I have decided to take on the inefficiency of the U.S. Congress.  The solution is:

Term limits.

That’s it.  I mean, yeah, there is a lot of other things that would help.  Limiting the access of lobbyists and PACs, campaign finance reform, and more accountability for actions (I’m sorry, but Rep. Rangel getting “censure?”  He is completely full of bullshit) would help too.  However, treating symptoms instead of the cause is how people end up dying of rectal cancer.

It’s nice to be a Congressperson or Senator.  You’re set for life (in addition to term limits, I’d be reforming congressional pensions, but that’s for another day).  Not only are you making some serious cheddar, the perks are ridiculous.  It would take a multimillion dollar salary to live like you live.  People are constantly blowing sunshine up your ass (which is the best possible thing to have blown up your ass).  You get to bang interns.  You don’t need that soul you’ve been carrying around anymore.

You aren’t going to quit a job that sweet.  You are going to do whatever it takes to avoid getting fired.  If that means talking out of both sides of your mouth and fellating at the same time, so be it.  After a few terms, you’ll learn to jerk with both hands and possibly upgrade from the House.

Now imagine that they knew that after a few terms, they’re done.  They can run for something else, but not that.  No more job security.  Also, no more pandering to the common denominator.  No more bowing to the party’s national committee, because after you’re no longer a valuable resource.  You’re temporary.  Expendable.  Disposable.  As you should be.  And you finally show some cajones, because you’re no longer cradling someone else’s.

I want humans in Congress.  Living, breathing, thinking, erring humans.  No more robots with a party line spitting out like ticker tape.

“You’ve done a great job.  You’re fired.”

You’re welcome.