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By Lara Barge, Aug 8 2016 07:52PM

Eye gazing

















Getting started:




Continue to breathe. Soft shoulders, soft belly.













And make sure you have a good cuddle to fully complete.

Creating a practice:



Honor that commitment.

Finding the amount of time that works for both of you:





Remember don't take it to seriously, relax and enjoy yourselves.



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By Lara Barge, Mar 29 2016 11:10PM

Beyond right and wrong ~ how learning to understand each other can open your hearts and break the power struggle.

Most people are locked into the “right and wrong game”, which then gets magnified and played out in relationships.

The "I’m right, you're wrong, and I will prove it" game, sets up a power struggle where you have to defend yourselves against each other and it just ends up pushing you apart.

It is important to remember that if you are in a RELATIONSHIP, you are part of the same TEAM! So you have to work together! Not against each other!

When you are locked into being right and the other being wrong, it stops you from being able to understand each other and understand the deeper truth of what each of you are really feeling and what the underlying truth of the situation is.

Even if you start off being willing to understand your partner, if they are fixed on being right you will most likely lose your capacity and willingness to understand them. And likewise if you are stubborn in the fact you are right they will automatically go into defence and not be able to hear what is happening for you and the truth of what you are needing to express.

If someone comes at you trying to prove that they are right, how do you feel?

Do you instantly feel they are trying to prove you are wrong?

It is a natural response to go into defence. In another moment, if what they are trying to express was communicated in a different way, you might be able to hear and understand them. It is much easier to believe the truth of what someone is saying if it is just a sharing rather then them trying to prove they are right.

However when someone is being fixed in defending themselves and proving they are right, then in that moment the other can't even begin to understand them. Their whole system has most likely gone into defence to make sure that they don’t get made wrong. And so it spirals.

Any disagreement is an opportunity to get to know each other better, to understand what makes each of you tick the way you do.

And these are great opportunities to bring you closer together NOT further apart.

You have to choose to put the health of your relationship, (the happiness of both of you), before your need to be right. This does not mean compromise!

Someone else being right does not have to mean you are wrong, or vice versa.

When we understand the other side it can instantly relieve us of the resentment that may have built up. This doesn’t mean you aren’t justified to feel what you feel it just means there is an opportunity to move into a different place. When we start understand each other it allows an opening that can bring us closer together.

At the end of the day that is what we want; to feel close together and that we are part of something, that we matter, and that we are loved. Well that is what I believe for myself and what I hear from my clients.

I believe that relationships, (not just the romantic ones but all of them, from family to work), can be completely transformed with small yet effective tweaks.

A simple commitment to not play the right and wrong game, and to prioritise understanding each other and why each of you feels the way you do, in itself can have a snowball effect.

If you can master not getting caught in that “Right/Wrong” game you will find you stop arguing so much, and that disagreeing can be an interesting experience of learning more about each other.

This is a simple tweak and at the same time it might be hard. It can be a challenge to instantly change after years of it being an automatic response. It can take some time to rewrite the script and create new neuropathways.

If you slip up and find yourself back in that game, then just start by catching yourself. Notice what has happened and give voice to it. Acknowledge it. Say “we’re playing the game, and I don’t want to do that, I really want us to both understand each other, I want to understand what is happening for you.”

See if you can step out of the game. Don’t be hard on yourselves if you find you continue to slip back. It takes time and experience and commitment from both sides.

Sometimes you may need a third party to help you see things from the other side. Someone who can step back, out of the situation, and support both of you.


By Lara Barge, Mar 22 2016 08:57PM

We must drop our roots down into the dark depths of the fertile earth to allow our branches to grow high and reach the golden heavens.

It can take a huge amount of courage to embrace someone in their fullness and ride the waves through the storms, but from it comes many gifts and blessings.

The saying "calm seas don't make good sailors" is a great quote.

It is in the rough storms that we really learn how to sail.

If I have not seen someones anger and the fullness of their rage then how can I trust them. Some people sail through calm sunny seas beautifully for many years and then a storm comes in and it can be a shock to watch the ship hit rocks and sink. I need to see how they sail in the big storms to really know I can trust them to sail.

That doesnt mean someone has to be perfect and know how to navigate every situation, but the more we really know and understand someone the more we know how to sail together.

There is a great power in being able to stand in front of someones storms. And we must first become comfortable with our own storms and shadows before we can fully embrace those of others.

On my journey, (I am still on it, and still learning everyday), I have learned that as long as I am not comfortable with my own anger I can not safely stand in front of someone elses.

My tendency is to not get angry with people, instead I always find a way to harmonise a dynamic or extract myself from the situation. And as I have not explored my own anger enough, the thought of getting really angry terrifies me. It is an unknown terrain and the unknown is a scary place for me.

Part of my journey is learning to embrace my anger and give it space to be expressed. It is my own anger, (power), that enables me to stand safely in front of the anger, (power) of others. To do that I must first know it, be comfortable with it and embrace it.

This is an epic journey for me, a challenging one, but an incredibly rewarding one. I have been so afraid of loosing control of not knowing how it will be if I let myself get angry.

This is my personal shadow that I am learning to embrace so that I can embrace it in others.

And slowly slowly I am creating the space to explore it. Embracing the moments that push me to the edge, and allowing my anger to rise up.

It is important to create safe containers in relationship. To work to together to create a ship that can hold and support you both.

It is useful to get to know each other, but more importantly is getting to know ourselves. We need to discover our shadows, the parts we hide from ourselves, the areas where we can make space to grow. And then we can share that with our partners, and grow together.

Being in a relationship is one of the greatest opportunities to continuously dive deep into learning and discovering more about ourselves. Constantly having aspects of our imbalances reflected back to us through the mirror of relationship.

This piece was inspired by a quote from Mia Hallow~

"Bring me the riot in your heart. Angry, Wild, and Raw. Bring it all. I am not afraid of the dark."

By Lara Barge, Mar 22 2016 08:51PM

We are not taught how to be in relationship. We are not given the skills needed.

So it makes me sad when I read or hear statements like this "If they can not love you in your shadows, they are not made for your light".

If they cant accept you in your shadow it is that they have not yet learned the necisary skills to be able to deal with a specific area.

It is often our own self awareness and integration that allows us to accept someone in their shadow. If we have a wound or a trauma in relation to someones shadow and we have not been taught the skills that are needed to navigate such things, it does not mean we are not worthy, or good enough! It means we need support in healing and learning!

I look back at myself in my past relatonships and see how if I had the tools I have now things would of been very different. I would of understood what was really happening, I would of had more compassion and taken thigns less personally.

When someone doesnt get us it doesnt mean we should push them away!

Maybe we need to explore communicating who we are in a different language!

Lets love and accept more, even when its people we feel aren't accepting us!

By Lara Barge, Dec 24 2015 01:45PM

Christmas time! This can be a joyous heart opening experience or a deep plunge into hell.

Its one of those special occasions that comes with a mix of curse and blessings. And some get hit harder then others.

Remember to be gentle and loving with each other. Not everyone shares what is really going on for them and when they are struggling it can be hard to read them. It becomes easy to misunderstand each other and take things personally and then spiral into difficult and painful dynamics.

The wise words of my mother this evening ~ “You can always start again in every moment. Every moment is a new opportunity.”

Keep reminding yourself of these words.

This time of year can leave people feeling burdened by their responsibilities and the real expectations of others and most importantly the fictional ones that are actually just in their head that create a huge amount of stress.

There can be a mix of the pressure to make it be the best christmas, get the right presents for people, and buy the right food, for everyone else to be happy. And there can also be that looming end of year moment of looking back over the last 12 months and seeing all the things you wish you had done, or hadn’t done, seeing how fast time is flying by and the struggle to keep up and keep on top of everything. Self punishment for not achieving enough can so easily plunge into peoples lives.

Everyone is unique and has their own story, so remember to be sensitive. Especially to those you think you know everything about. Often couples say they know what their partner is thinking/feeling but given a chance can discover there is so much more going on that they don’t know. All the things their partner keeps to themselves so as not to be a burden, or because they feel too uncomfortable about themselves to share their truth.

Love each other open this Christmas!

Give a good dose of regular reassurance and appreciation!

Any existing relationship stresses and resentments can so easily get magnified when being surrounded by family/friends. When struggling in a relationship it can often feel like their is a big distance between you and watching a partner laughing and having fun with friends and family can be really painful as it highlights the distance. Even just seeing other couples being happy and loved up can rub salt in the wound and create extra stress and resentments at seeing how far you have drifted form that loved up bubble you were once in.

Adding alcohol to the mix can either be a god send or add to the hell as the challenges become too much and things get emotional or explosive.

We are all doing the best we can though, and if we aren’t doing so well its best to give a bit of extra support rather then adding some extra dynamite to the mix.

If someone is being distant or reactive it usually means they are hurting and need your love and support to reassure them, remind them how much you love them and long to feel that closeness again.

Watch where your mind starts to whirl with negative thoughts, the things your partner is doing that drive you crazy. The more you focus on them the more they consume you. In those moments try taking a deep breathe, relaxing your body and reaching out to them, giving them a hug and a kiss rather then pulling away into your thoughts.

Instead of thinking how you can’t bare to do another Christmas like this, think of the little steps you can take to make it be the Christmas you want it to be. You have the power to change your reality. If you are feeling distance between you then find the courage to reach out.

They are probably hurting just as much as you are. Anger and irritation is often just covering up pain and vulnerability.

Remember to love. And most importantly remember to love yourself.

Remind yourself how wonderful and gorgeous you are! Fill yourself up with the joy of life. You deserve to feel full to the brim with love and gratitude for life.

May you be gentle with yourselves this Christmas and enjoy the beautiful moments!

Love and Blessings


By Lara Barge, Dec 24 2015 01:00PM

If you are deep in the resentment cycle then accessing a level of open hearted communication may not be possible.

The more we resent the more we focus on all the things we resent and the pile of resentment gets bigger and bigger. As the resentments grow our capacity to see anything outside of resentment weakens.

It is important to find the space to clear the build up of resentment. When expressed clearly and with the right support you can find your self moving form a place of contraction or reaction to open hearted connection.

As well as finding a way to clear the build it is also important to focus on the good things. Pay attention to the small things that your partner does or says that you can appreciate.

For example; if they are the one that takes the rubbish out every week then use it as an opportunity to acknowledge them.

“Thank you for doing the rubbish. I really appreciate it. Even if I don’t express it I want you to know I am grateful that you do it . The fact you’ve done it every week for the past 5 years makes me feel how much I can depend on you. No matter what’s happening you always make sure it goes out. And that’s amazing. It makes me feel taken care of and I know I can rely on you.”

Obviously don’t use my words, find your own. And most likely if you are really deep in resentment then expressing appreciation as open hearted as the above would probably not feel authentic. Find what you are able to express. Don’t pretend to appreciate something, as the appreciation won’t be fully received if it is not authentic. Take little steps, even if it is just saying thank you for something you normally take for granted.

Even being able to say thank you and that your aware things are feeling tight between you so it feels harder to expresser appreciation but you do appreciate what ever it is.

Every little acknowledgment helps rebuild intimacy.

You can take pretty much any little or big thing and turn it into a heart opening appreciation.

This is particularly important with the small regular things like; putting out the rubbish, sorting the recycling, doing the washing up, doing the laundry, buying the food, paying the bills and so on. These can be incredibly important things to acknowledge and appreciate, even though they are so simple and are often major resentment triggers in relationships.

These are the ones that without acknowledgement build up over time and create resentments and a feeling of being taken for granted. Keep an eye out for them as it is so easy for them to slip by unnoticed.

Also remember the less practical things like being there when you fall apart in their arms crying.

So get thanking right away. However long you have been together, it is never too soon or too late to bring in a big does of appreciation. It can transform a long term relationship, and lay down a beautiful foundation for a new one.

By Lara Barge, Dec 7 2015 08:02PM

The other day I was thinking about how if I haven’t been dancing and singing enough I generally start to feel less connected to myself and my joy.

This sparked my memory of a piece I read about shamans and ancient healers that I felt, really importantly, needs to be applied to relationships too.


When did you stop dancing?

When did you stop singing?

When did you stop being enchanted by stories?


When we have stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is when we have experienced the loss of soul.



Similarly, when a couple is struggling I believe that they should be asking themselves if they are still doing the things they love.

Are you nourishing yourself? It is essential to keep your soul alive with what you love.

Often we enter relationships feeling full and alive, and then over months or years we start to fade. In those times it is easy to starting blaming or resenting our relationship, partner, or the family we have created, for the loss of our joy and passion.

For sure, there are times where there may be a possessive partner and this can make it hard and scary to step out into the world and continue doing what we love.

It can be scary to reclaim our past passions through fear of hurting our partner.

More often then not, it is the slide into codependence and our own fears hidden away in the background that stop us.

Those quiet fears hold us back from doing the things we love and that would most serve us. It is important to really check in around your fears.

So often there are unspoken fears holding us back, when in truth our partners may feel uncomfortable about things but would never want to hold us back.

*It may be a fear of your partner not approving, or feeling jealous.

*Or maybe that you want to share those activities with your partner but they aren’t interested.

*That any time that you have, you want to spend it with your partner or family.

*Perhaps you feel guilty for spending time doing things for yourself, when there is so much that needs to be done - looking after the house, the kids, your partner, and work, you don’t feel justified in taking that time for you.

I can guarantee that taking time for yourself, (doing the things you love, spending time with your friends that make you laugh), is essential to keeping your relationship alive and joyful.

The more full we are the more we are able to be there and present for our partners and family, without building up resentment.

So often I see people who give everything and then don’t have anything left. They burn themselves out to collapse, or build up so much resentment that their relationship becomes suffocating. In both of these cases the individual always has the choice to change the situation and turn it around to be a happier and healthier one.

It is very easy to get locked into personal beliefs and attachments to the resentment that has built up, and the need to be needed. This can make it hard to see that there is another way and that change is possible.

I cannot express enough the importance of turning things around as early as possible. If you feel you don’t have anything left in you, or that you are building up huge amounts of anger and resentment for how much you do for your relationship or family - start doing things for yourself NOW!!! Don’t do it out of resentment, do it out of love and respect for yourself and your relationship.

However much stuff it brings up for you, however impossible it may seem, make a commitment to yourself right now.

I see so many relationships end because they leave it too late. If you are noticing you need to look after yourself then dont wait! Look agfter yourself to look after your relationship.

Often people are scared that changing will rock the boat of the relationship. But if the boat isn’t sailing very well then take a risk and start doing new things that could help the ship sail again!!!

And how amazing, that by doing good things for ourselves we can transform our relationship!

Top of the list for me is spending time with my close friends who make me laugh and make me come alive again when my inner light has started to dim.

Then I can come back to my relationship full and alive. Whenever I do this I come home and instantly witness the inner light of my partner spark back to life.

He gets very stuck in work mode and I watch his inner light dim a lot. And I LOVE it when he manages to untangle himself and take time to connect with friends and have fun - a rare event, but it always nourishes our relationship when he does.

You can’t force your partner to look after themselves, however much you see that they need it, but you can look after yourself.

So whatever it is that you love, get out there and reconnect with your joy and your passion.


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By Lara Barge, Oct 22 2015 08:50PM

Transform you relationship and regain intimacy through the power of Acknowledgement and Appreciation.

Feeling appreciated and acknowledged is a powerful experience that can transform our lives, our self-esteem and openness to life.

In today’s society compliments are often deflected, not only because many of us have been taught not to shine, not to be proud of ourselves, but also compliments can often trigger off the egos negative self belief, and bring up all the things that contradict the compliment. For example, someone being complimented on how organised they are can bring up an internal dialogue about how unorganised they actually feel and make them think of all the things that are not as organised as they would like them to be. The instant negative chatter stops the compliment from being able to land and be fully received.

Being able to compliment in a way that gets under the egos radar and manages to land in someone’s heart, is a wonderful skill to have, and is easy to do once you know how.

Expressing how you feel when you are with someone is a really beautiful way to touch their heart and bring you closer together.

The way to opening someone’s heart is to bare your own. To really touch someone’s heart we must learn to listen to our own, and then express it.

If I think about my partner and what I would say to him right now it would be; “I love how safe I feel when I’m with you, I feel like you’ve really got me. And that opens my heart, it allows me to open to deeper parts of myself. And that is such a gift. I love how when I close, even if I cant imagine being able to open, you manage to penetrate me with your presence and melt my heart back open. And that blows me away every time. I am so touched and feel blessed that you choose me.”

Sharing from your heart what you really feel, rather then your positive judgements/beliefs of them, is pretty much guaranteed to blast their heart open. It can only land if you are speaking the truth of what you feel from your heart. It doesn’t work if you try and formulate it from your mind with what you think they will want to hear. So keep coming back to your heart and taking the risk to feel the vulnerability of your true feelings.

Although this has the potential to blast you both into a deeper place of intimacy, it can also be intense and overwhelming to receive for someone who is not used to being spoken to in this way.

So if this is a very new way of sharing with your partner it can be a good idea to add a little reassurance. Maybe starting with, “I’m feeling so much love for you and have to express it.”

That way it can stop them from spiralling into fear around what has happened and why are you suddenly talking like this. Which is a natural response if its not your normal way of communicating.

If you have no idea how you would express your feelings in this way, or no idea where you would even start, then just take a bit of time for yourself, to feel and acknowledge how you feel.

I feel __(fill in the blank)__ when I’m with you. And that makes me feel ___(fill in blank)____ .

Add a sprinkling of “I love you” wherever it feels appropriate, and if needed, the reassurance that you are expressing your love for them.

Bellow are some suggestions of what you might use in those blanks.

These suggestions are to support and inspire you to listen to your own heart.

Suggestions for filling in the blanks:

• Safe

• Held

• Alive

• Connected to my passion

• Connected to my joy

• Nourished

• Loved

If your partner has done something you love, rather then just thanking them for the act, express how it made you feel as well.

Did it make you feel loved, cared for, special, appreciated?

Thank you so much for ___(fill in the blank with what they have done)___, I really appreciate it. It makes me feel ____(fill in blank with how it makes you feel)_____. 

 Having a happy, healthy, thriving, joyful relationship that continues to grow into deeper love and intimacy, takes courage and vulnerability.

Vulnerability is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to our relationships, and one of the most powerful tools for bringing you closer and into more joyful love.

It takes a lot of courage to bare the vulnerability of your heart, but that courage and vulnerability gifts the most beautiful diamonds of the heart.

You probably get the idea by now. It will bring you closer together and hopefully inspire your partner to start sharing their appreciation for you, and if they don’t it may just be that you blew them away and they have no idea what to say. And they may have their own insecurity around not knowing how to express their own feelings. So don’t take it personally if you don’t get the response you want/expect.

This way of communicating can be a gorgeous way to end your day. Before going to sleep take a moment to tell your partner about your love and appreciation for them.

And if you really want to have an extraordinary relationship, start practicing this every day and watch your hearts open more and more every day for the rest of your lives.

I just want to acknowledge the courage it takes to share appreciation in this way, from the heart. In todays crazy world people are often told, or believe, that showing the intensity of feelings is a sign of weakness and shows too much vulnerability. This belief causes people not to show their feelings authentically. We need to start changing these armoured beliefs that you need to hide your feelings for fear of scaring the other off. Challenge the belief that men like the challenge - the challenge doesn’t have to mean hide your feelings. The more authentic you can be the more they can open into their love for YOU, rather then the imaginary you they believe you to be.

So take the risk to show who you really are and see what comes back.

I’d love to hear from you. If you try this let me know your experience.

And if you have any questions around how to take your feelings and put them into words, then feel free to post it below and I will try and reply.

Enjoy the dance of love.

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By Lara Barge, Oct 21 2015 01:37PM

I have finally managed to write my first article!

I’ve been wanting/trying to write for a very long time, but always get blocked and don’t know what to write.

Sitting in front of clients the words always come. The wisdom and knowledge flow easily through me when there are people in front of me. Every time I sit in front of my laptop or my or pick up my note pad and pen, it just disappears and I cant seem to access any of it, my brain stops and mind goes blank.

I thought it was because I must be inspired and triggered into flow by my clients and without them in front of my to bounce off, there isn’t anything to come through.

Then tonight, as I lay in bed with my wind whirling, I realised that so often I lay in bed at night with words flowing through my mind. I have probably written tones of articles while lying in bed but never actually bought them out of my head. As soon as I realized that, I knew I had to get up and capture what was in my mind, otherwise I would continue in this long story of never managing to write anything.

So I snuck out of bed, trying not to wake my partner. I slipped on my wooly jumper, grabbed my note book and pen, and am now sat on the toilet in our on suite, having written my first ever piece, an article on the importance of acknowledgment and appreciation.

And I feel so much relief at having finally allowed some of the words out on to paper. And excitement at having discovered what I need to do to be able to do that. I have found my outlet and style. I have to capture the inspiration in the moment when it is there. So I will start carry my notepad and pen around with me and most likely I will be having a lot of late night toilet dates.

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