July 31, 2015


At least once a week, I come across the newest post on How To Love Your Introvert. Each article touches a little bit on the psychology of needing to be alone, offers something about the physiology of an overwhelmed brain, and then gives practical tips for how someone might love the person in her circle who seems to be an antisocial recluse.

I love these articles.

I spent the first thirty years of my life as a hypersocial extrovert -- we're talking off-the-charts, people. You simply couldn't put me away. I was out there to live and laugh and love with abundance. But then, in the span of three minutes or one night or a year, depending on how you measure the duration of Robb's death, I became an introvert. The blinds closed, the porch light flipped off, and I just wanted to be a l o n e.

If I may speak for the general population of introverts, the reason we love these articles is because they speak for us. And let's be honest: we are a people who would rather not speak. If someone's going to write an article explaining what makes us tired, setting boundaries for us, and asking others to be nice and give us a little space, then it's just heaps of easier to post that on your wall or on the bulletin board in the break room.

We read it and we think, "Yes. Yes. Yes! This is it. This is me. Like. Share. What she said."

I think the percentages have gotten a little heavy in our favor. We're quiet people in a noisy world, and we're asking them to please, please, please accommodate and love us well. But are we challenging ourselves to love them back? Or better yet, love them first?

My tendency is to withdraw my extremities and slap a Post-it Note on my turtle shell that says, "Don't Call Me; I'll Call You." But maybe I can leave a grace note instead.

So, here are my suggestions: Five Ways Introverts Can Choose to Love Someone When They Really Just Want to Disappear.

1. Smile. There's a whole lot of friendship in eye contact and a smile. I hear you -- I know what you're thinking: "But if I make eye contact and smile, they might want to talk to me and then I'll feel trapped and I can already sense my blood pressure going up and I might need to shrivel up and die."  Hello, cart? Meet the horse. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.  The truth is a smile costs you nothing, there's more where that came from, and it's good for everyone involved.

2. Be honest about your own boundaries. Speak for yourself as confidently as you would for someone else.  I don't mean speaking in third person weirdness, like, "Tricia needs a break right now." But if you were tasked to care for someone in need, if it were your job to advocate and represent their well being, then you would watch out for them, keep an eye for oncoming traffic and obstacles, and know when to clear a path for them to exit the scene.  This might be a newsflash, but you are tasked with the role to represent and advocate for yourself. If you know what you need, say it with grace and honesty. Take care of you.

To find my other three suggestions for fellow introverts, you can click here and finish the article in the Lifestyle Column on PJMedia.com.

2 comments on “Five Ways Introverts Can Choose to Love When They Just Want to Disappear”

  1. I am with you-- more and more of an introvert, but also thinking the extroverts are getting a little shafted on social media these days. One book I've really REALLY enjoyed, as I seek to understand "why I'm okay and how I can love my extroverted teammates well" is called 'Quiet' by Susan Cain. I feel like it starts out on a little heavy on the 'Introverts are better than the rest of you!' scale, but the second half is really helpful. Just thought I'd pass it along to a fellow reader 🙂

  2. I've been reading your blog for 5-ish years, and I greatly admire you and your story. I had told my husband that if I could only follow 1 blog, it would be yours. Now I have 2 babies under the age of 16 months and that's become my reality!

    That being said, I cannot handle reading the comments you get on this PJM site. Yikes. Such flippant and heartless responses...as if they personally know every feeling and experience behind your words. Know that you are highly appreciated and that some folks just have a need to be contradictory, even when it's totally unnecessary. Most people give writers grace because they know you can't attach 50 million caveats and disclaimers to every sentence. My husband is a pastor and this same scenario applies when he is speaking/teaching.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and life. It's been fun getting to know you. We have some of the same roots...Ohio, CU, Bucks, etc.




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