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Monday, December 12, 2016

Ludwig's Fort Cobalt Review! (Paper Mario: Color Splash)

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Was Ludwig's experience as the Blue Big Paint Star guardian a positive one? (Spoilers about that, obviously.)

I have recently had a phenomenal experience as the boss of Fort Cobalt. You might have experienced it for yourself if you've played Paper Mario: Color Splash, but I, of course, have my own unique perspective that you won't hear about anywhere else. You might've experienced it from that dimwit illiterate supervillain named Mario — but with the power of Internet blogging, you can learn the true heroics of your favourite prince of Koopa Kingdom, LUDWIG VON KOOPA!

Ludwig Von Koopa Paper Mario Color Splash Fort Cobalt boss battle fight introduction title card
I'm the hero of this adventure. I spend my days tinkering secret weapons, looking at surveillance footage, and taking care of my hair.

I'm going to go over each part of the adventure in detail. The graphics, gameplay, music, story, characters, replay value, and more! As you would expect from any review. Let's start with what I'm most proud of: The music!

I believe music to be a very important part of any experience, especially as someone who is trying to orchestrate the destruction of other people. So, throughout this review, feel free to listen to the theme of Fort Cobalt:

I have my own theme, of course, but I won't embed it in case you want it to be a surprise. I will, however, give you a track listing. They're all excellent songs, reflecting my own brilliance. You see, I composed them while I was waiting for Mario to show up:

Paper Mario Color Splash Fort Cobalt music museum songs
People demand encores of my theme. ENCORES!

In terms of story, I, your greatest Koopaling of all time, have a super-secret anti-Mario weapon I'm producing within the depths of Fort Cobalt. I also have the Blue Big Paint Star, and I'm not exactly hiding that I do. Everyone knows that. I'm not sure why it's so important, but I do know that Mario and his talking paint bucket want it, which is enough reason for me to never let it go. A large group of mischievous, yet incompetent, blue-coloured Toads have infiltrated Fort Cobalt prior to Mario's arrival, and many of them have become trapped in air ducts. Still, they have paved the path for Mario's arrival. Which is PERFECT, because what better way to use an anti-Mario weapon than have Mario show up right to the weapon? I don't even have to produce movement capabilities on it!

I've named enemy characters such as Mario, Huey (the paint bucket), and the Rescue Blue Toads. However, there are supporting characters such as Shy Guys, Ninji, and my own personal defence squads. They aren't very intelligent, but they are aware of how important defending Fort Cobalt is. They also don't really distinguish themselves from each other, but fortunately no one is offended if I get their names wrong or just refer to them as, “Hey, you!” They're just happy to be working for THE BEST KOOPALING.

Paper Mario Color Splash Fort Cobalt Shy Guy Stack 25 scripted battle Snifit captain
The steel plates these Shy Guys are standing on are more interesting than the Shy Guys themselves, but they're good people.

So... what kind of fun do I get to experience while working on the SECRET WEAPON? Well, through the power of surveillance, and my own magic, Mario has to go through a range of spectacular traps. These range from chainlink fences, to an exercise room (and we all know how much he hates THAT!), to a deceptively peaceful café filled with SECRETLY SPICY FOOD! AHAHAHA! Oh, and electrified fences (note to the United States: These work incredibly well in keeping intruders out — so it's not a big deal if they're used to help form THE WALL), falling basins, and TRAP DOORS THAT LEAD TO A NINJI-INFESTED DUNGEON! AHAHAHAHAHAA!

Plus, ELITE Silver and Gold-plated Shy Guy warriors. They do a deceptively HIGH amount of DESTRUCTION! So much deception! So much PAIN!

GWEHEHEHEHEHE! (That's my Paper Mario: Color Splash-specific laugh, by the way. I'm not the biggest fan of it, but at least Intelligent Systems didn't write me as gay, like I feared could've happened.)

Paper Mario Color Splash Fort Cobalt electric fence basin magic wand fire breath cafe Magma Burger Shy Guy
Z-shape from top left: Mario being stocked by an electric fence; Mario with a bump on his head after a basin lands on him;
me blasting Mario with some magic from my wand; a Shy Guy roasting Mario from the spiciness of the food.

Okay... I need to calm down. I'm just so ecstatic about how fun it is to be the master of Fort Cobalt, and seeing all of my traps work. Let's talk about something more pleasant for the kids, like my graphical experience.

The surveillance cameras were very high-tech and HD quality. Everything was crisp. You can just FEEL the sharpness of my paper-snipping army of minions by looking at it. The sound effects helped, too.

Ludwig Von Koopa waiting Paper Mario Color Splash door
Behind this door is an amazing, surprisingly well-lit mechanical room filled with the latest in observation and ship-building technology.
Good experience, and paid for on my expense account.

There is a ton of replay value and choice for Fort Cobalt. I get to choose between the Super Ludship, and the Super Ludsub! TWO amazing secret weapons of DOOM!

Ludwig Von Koopa Super Ludship Ludsub Paper Mario Color Splash Fort Cobalt boss fight Megabad Super Battleship of Dooooooooooom Doom
To be exact, Ludwig's Megabad Super Battleship of Dooooooooooom! (Eleven 'o's.)

If one sinks, well, I get to just choose the other. They're both amazing and really fun to use. Destroying Mario never gets old. Obliterating Birdo doesn't get old, either, since Mario keeps insisting on making Birdo come and sing a weird performance on his behalf. I don't know why he keeps thinking that will save him.

Paper Mario Color Splash Replica Balloons Ludwig Von Koopa boss battle fight Birdo missile fail Ludsub
Unlike my theme, Birdo's performance does NOT get an encore. She does, however... GET A MISSILE TO THE FACE!

Between you and me, my Super Ludsub is totally invincible. There's absolutely no way to penetrate it. NONE. I've been working for a long time to develop such an unbeatable secret weapon, and I'm proud to give the world an opportunity to witness it against its intended target: Mario!

Paper Mario Color Splash Super Ludsub final attack Meteor Missile Storm Ludwig Von Koopa submarine game over boss fight

With all of the destruction Mario has wrought upon my family and Koopa Kingdom, it feels AMAZING to launch a salvo of obliteration-inducing missiles on him. And Mario is welcome to get blown up until he runs out of 1-Ups and finally stays dead. I got more than enough missiles stockpiled to handle that! It'll never get old.

As I think I've made abundantly clear, my personal experience with Paper Mario: Color Splash is quite positive in every aspect. I obviously cannot recommend that people somehow become me (how's that gonna happen...?), but I can recommend Paper Mario: Color Splash for my experience. 

...As long as you fully expect to always get a game over against me and my Super Ludship.

If you really wanted Ludwig to actually complete the request from the Requests Page this year about writing a review for the entirety of Paper Mario: Color Splash, you're probably out-of-luck. It'll be some time before Ludwig completes it, since he hasn't played the game since before his second ban on Miiverse due to logging his whole adventure on Miiverse. However, RawkHawk2010 has completed the game already, so feel free to badger him about it.

Ludwig first wrote about his role in Paper Mario: Color Splash as part of the Rescue V article series. He starred in Episode 3.
Hopefully, Mario never reads (or has someone else read to him) the article about the folly of Replica Things.
The REAL review of the entire Paper Mario: Color Splash is here!
The Super Ludsub is Ludwig's favourite vehicle ever.


  1. I'm still conflicted about getting this game.

    1. What's better than a plumber murder simulator? WITH MISSILES.

    2. How would you compare its plot to past Paper Mario plots? (Or even the Mario & Luigi games.) I've seen many people say the writing is funny, although mainly focused on one-off jokes, but the plot is shallow.

    3. So it approaches plot differently than previous PM games. The plot is a lot more in the background. Similar to Sticker Star, each level basically has its own plot. Unlike Sticker Star, completing things in one level will prompt you to return to a previous level, since you sometimes won't be able to complete everything in a level upon your first access to it.

      So, while Sticker Star was actually non-linear, Color Splash is linear because there are plot-gates. The effect of that is a greater focus on development.

      ...Oh, and the writing is better than Ace Attorney.

    4. That would be because it's NOT bad.

  2. I'm going to replay this area over and over again just to witness Mario's defeat.

    1. Good.

      My only problem with this is that Paper Mario: Color Splash only has one save file. Big flaw.

  3. Your sub's totally invincible, you say? What if something, say, happened to lift it out of the water? So that, you know, it couldn't hide underneath said water anymore. Say Mario uses some giant balloons, to make that happen. Just as an example. ;)

    1. ...Nah, that's impossible! Balloons? To lift a submarine? That's ridiculous!

  4. So, my favorite koopaling, did you know that toad that is at the cafe is a SPY?! When I found that out I figured he would be dead if you found out.

    1. ...No.
      That's ridiculous! How could a spy provide such pleasing food to my troops at low prices?!

    2. Sadly, it's true. That toad is up to no good. I knew something was up with that overpriced "special" when I played the game. I was so angry when he was giving Mario info. (Btw, if I had to pick koopa side or Mario's side, I would pick koopa side without thinking.)

    3. None of the Shy Guys, and me neither, were offered an overpriced SPECIAL... DISCRIMINATION!
      But he looks the same as all the other Toads. How will I track him down and exact revenge?


    4. Hopefully you catch that toad and give him what he deserves. Karma should bite him for doing that!!

    5. Hopefully!

      (Stop being anonymous and reveal yourself. ♪)


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