﻿What do I do if my parent needs help with his healthcare? - AgingCare.com

My 79 year old father lives close. He's independent although his mental faculties have been declining for some time. He still drives (even though I think he should have stopped 10 years ago. No accidents yet however). I'm convinced he's one of the most stubborn on the planet, probably because he still sees himself as a 20 year old man who doesn't need help. He had an MRI on the brain for a herditary condition. I asked the Dr. if there were any signs of Alzheimer's or dementia & to my surprise he said no. However my father is more & more forgetful. Even to the point of forgetting his sentences frequently. He has several health conditions. He refuses to let me go to the Dr. with him, because of course he can take care of himself. Even though he doesn't ask questions and can't remember what the Dr. told him. We just discovered he was having serious medication side effects for a year and a half & never told his Dr. He does not like making phone calls and misplaces phone numbers anyway. He needs my help with his healthcare but absolutely refuses help. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Sometimes all we can do is wait for an emergency of some sort before we, as adult children, can make any changes. My mom used to fall all the time but refused any help, wouldn't see the doctor. My dad would call me at all hours to come over and scoop her off the floor until one night I feigned illness and pretended to not be able to get my mom off the floor which necessitated a call to 911 which got her into the hospital where they kept her to correct an electrolyte imbalance that was causing her to fall.

It sounds really manipulative but when our elderly parents are vulnerable (more vulnerable than usual I should say) it's easier to elbow our way in to help. If your dad is taken to the ER, and it doesn't have to be a huge, life-threatening issue, you can speak to the nurse about his unwillingness to accept help. Ask the nurse to speak to the doctor. Ask to see a social worker. You can do all of these things from the ER.

If your dad has a mishap don't take him to the hospital yourself, call 911. Paramedics won't take someone to the ER if that person doesn't want to go unless the person isn't lucid in which case they will take the person. They'll administer a test to your dad to gauge his lucidity. If he passes they probably won't take him to the ER. If he fails, they're likely to take him.

I know it sounds a little ghoulish to wait and hope for a reason to get your dad to the ER but many here have had to do just that in order to enact some change and get their elderly parent the services they need. 
Helpful Answer (1)

I agree with Cmagnum. Keep a journal of issues and incidents and report concerns to your father's doctor - especially correct the misinformation about the side-effects. You should also be able to find contact details online for reporting driving problems to your father's local licensing authorities.

You say your father needs your help with his healthcare. Well. This may sound like splitting hairs, but while your father does need help it doesn't have to be yours - and it may even be that yours is exactly the help he is so determined to refuse. Why? - because he doesn't want to "bother" you. Because he doesn't want his children "ordering him around." Because he feels he has to keep up a brave face. Could be any number of reasons but the net result is the same - he would literally rather die or have a serious accident than admit to you that there is a problem.

So, let's try somebody else. Call your local Agency on Aging, or APS; outline your concerns; and ask them for help and advice.
Helpful Answer (1)

Without a medical POA, you are not authorized to discuss his health with his doctor, but that does not mean that you can't tell his doctor your concerns about him. I would do that.

He sounds like an accident waiting to happen which it sounds like you will have to wait for. Then when he winds up in the hospital have a doctor evaluate him for being competent and if found incompetent file for emergency guardianship with the court.
Helpful Answer (2)

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