I find myself constantly wishing it wa... - Living with Anxiety

Living with Anxiety

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I find myself constantly wishing it was over

Starrlight profile image

Two days ago I was pretty much okay and I shared here what I was thankful for. Yesterday I felt invincible and really driven. Now today I just want to end it all. Maybe I have been rapid cycling.

The pain is soooo great. Thank God I don’t think I would go through with it and do that to my kids, I can’t i just cannot, but I am thinking about it today non stop Thinking what if I could by making it look like an accident. Thinking how can I possibly keep going like this? I would never forgive myself if the kids found out I wanted to die. I feel so guilty for it now. I cannot take it anymore. Please help. But how? Nothing will help. If I tell anyone I know other than on here it will just make me feel worse and it’s very hard writing this right now. I feel embarrassed. I write here yet I don’t really think anything will help me. I just don’t know what else to do.

23 Replies

Unfortunately, you are not alone. I am sure plenty of people share your "share" me included. Last night was awful over here. "What is on the other side?" If we commit suicide, No Heaven, what if there is no Heaven? Then what? Reincarnation? What if that life is worse than this life? We won't know till we get there. Are we willing to chance it? Stay put, all we can do is just try our best to make it better. Live in the moment, look at the little, littlest things. Sunshine, rain, something on tv, computer, your cup of coffee, anything that makes you smile and eventually you will find the littlest things very important, unique, a smile, a chuckle. Many have it worse, we must carry on, just as they do. We are here for one another. You have already helped me. Last night was a doozy, it has been a while. I am very happy it has passed and I am drinking my morning coffee now:)

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to

I’m still trying so hard. I wonder too what if I don’t go to heaven or does it exsist at all.

in reply to Starrlight

What if we are reincarnated and the next life is worse, eek!

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to

Eek is right. I think then we’d beg to go back to the old life. I am trying so hard .


I hope your doing better today.

Your still here.

You have staying power

You are stronger than you think you are.

I know your strong (you said so)

I know your invincible.(you said so)

Think back to when you were invincible,feel what you felt like .

I bet it was a nice feeling ?

This is my level.

This is what I practice on my self and it works.

Sure like anything worth while it takes practice.

I’m not trying to patronise you.

Sorry if you think I am.

Some ppl think I do on here.

I just love passing in my life coping strategies.

Not for every one hey

Wish you the best

Tigger xx

Your post is actually very very helpful to me; thank you so.

So you feed yourself affirmations and it works for you? I will give it a shot. Sometimes when we feel scattered and freaking out it’s hard to just be and recall what’s worked before.


YES it does.

Have you a white board ?

If not,try get a magnetic one with coloured pens.

When you feel invincible and bloody great write it down how you feel.

I did 6 yrs hardcore lol meditation.

So when I read the words I not only remember the emotions but bring back the feelings of the over whelming great feelings.

I also studied hypnotherapy for 3 yrs and I can actually practice this on my self which also helps me.

You need words written down that will trick your brain.the brain hates being tricked into positive emotions as most of the time the brain sits in negative emotions.

Again practice.

Don’t go into it thinking yeh I’ve cracked it after 5 mins.

Just try practicing for 5 mins a day with just the same words every day written down.

It won’t take long before you can bring your self back to level again.

It’s more taking your self back to the place you were in the last time you felt great.

Not so much affirmations as such.

Your better of learning to feel the breathing through your nose.

I don’t do the circular breathing through mouth and nose.

It used to get me to worked up.

I just kept it simple.

The idea is to learn to slowly breath through the nose but not thinking about it.just feel it instead.

It’s different but it takes your mind to a better place.

There is so much to learn,once you get going it’s actually pretty fun.

I used to think fk sake why do I have to mediate to be normal it’s not fair.

That was before I was diagnosed with adhd.

So I used the meds to get my brain in to a level place to understand what I had learnt and went from there.

I was always a firm believer that if your gonna be in meds of an issue it only gets you so far.

Then you work on the fact that the tablets have got you to a place where you can then work on your self.

I don’t really go hard core meditation any more,I don’t need to.

If you practice then it’s always with you.its just another strategy for us with mental health issues.

Thanks for your kind words by the way.

See now I can remember the nice feelings that this brought me and use them next time.

It’s like storing away a protective shield for your self and the more you do it the greater success you will have.

Omg another essay lol.

Nice that you find it interesting.

Tigger your bouncy friend lol

I will try using powerful positive words on my chalk board and more breathing through the nose. Thanks so much Tigger!!! And I’m happy you have found these things that work for you. ❤️

in reply to Tiggerakafidgity

The mention about meds is HUGE for me and many. We get so hung up on working towards getting off of them. The things that get us, maybe, to 80% well. Does a diabetic ever get to go off insulin? No. Does someone with high blood pressure ever get to go off their meds? Sometimes, with lots of lifestyle changes.

Anyways, my sister is 66 and she told me last year (we're slow learners) that she finally realized she has to take her anti depressant forever. She did like so many, maybe most, where she'd take them for a year or two and then wean off and then within a year be a basket case.

Our brains are not in balance. Either too much of something or too little and for some reason we think we need to be "strong". Ugh.

I say stay away from talking to people who don't understand and reach out to those who do, professionals and here on a support site.

Psychiatrists and psychologists can work magic along with all the other "worl" we have to do. Meditation, eating right, walking/exercising.

Anyways, I wish you well and hope with all the support here a light bulb goes off and leads you to what will help you feel better.

PS: I always called those stress hangovers. I conquer the world one day (probably do too much because I am feeling good) and the next day wake up panicky. I don't have good balance in my life...ups and downs...and work on balance.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to


Thank you for the insights

Utterly understand you. And I've constantly battled with how contradicting it is especially for me because its hard to live like this, wondering if this is how its gonna be for the rest of my life, but yet I'm afraid to die. And plus I cant imagine not being here with my kids.

I've definitely had times that my momentum is good and then it turns right off and I'm struggling again.

And it's like what can we do. What to do.

(((((((((( ❤️))))))))) I feel you. I am sending out positive vibes to you my friend((((((((

Starr I’m so glad you’re here to share your feelings with us.. because now it will show you that you’re not alone in this feeling and others will hopefully share some tips that help them x

Please don’t ever feel embarrassed! Especially on here where all of us have at some time bared our souls while crying and sobbing.

When/if your children are old enough... they would embrace you and be there for you if they found out. Just like if any of our parents told us about a time when they were so low they didn’t want to be here anymore.. how would we react to that? With care and love right? So you deserve that same care and love too x

I’d say keep reminding yourself of the good in this world and in your life.. to counteract the bad things that your anxiety and depression is putting into your head. Think of smiles , hugs, summers, favourite foods, your kids playing nicely, etc . And keep telling them to yourself.

Of course you already know this but if you’re already not please definitely at this point seek professional help hun x 💕

I can relate to the feeling of yesterday I felt so good and could conquer the world and the next day waking up scared out of my mind. I've also felt the feeling of life it just too hard and asked God to please take me or please heal me. However, I am afraid of dying and haven't ever picked out a tree to end it; I've known more than one person who told me they want to crash their cars and end the pain. So I assume this is not so uncommon. Maybe calling a confidential suicide hotline/800 number could be helpful. Sometimes just talking about it and knowing you're not alone and not being judged the feeling will pass can help.

Everything I read and listen to seems to point that many of the same things can be helpful for both anxiety and depression. Walking, avoiding caffeine, better sleep (kids break up our good sleep). That reminds me. When my kids got into high school and would sleep in during the summer is when I made the connection between lack of sleep and my anxiety. Could this be helpful for you as well?

To me it sounds great that yesterday was a great day for you and like with panic there will be other better days. Hopefully, more good days than bad days.

I wish you well and I hope you continue to reach out and feel better so your family gets the joy you bring to the world. Every day isn't supposed to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. :-)

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to


I am sorry Starrlight you are struggling. I remember those days and said to myself how can I feel this way. My life was good, I had two beautiful children, a caring husband, our finances were OK, and yet the pain and darkness was so bad, I just wanted it over with. I actually was hospitalized three different times in my life due to my suicidal thoughts. I have been on medication for over 20 years on and off. I have decided it is better to stay on it, then to struggle with depression. It also took me years of counseling to learn what my triggers are and why I struggle with depression. Each time I went off the medication, my depressive episode was even worse.

I am a type A personality and a perfectionist - so is my husband Not a good combination. Too many unrealistic expectations set for myself as a person, wife, mother. I had to learn there is no such thing is perfect. To be happy who I am, just as I am, and that is how God designed me. That if I accomplish a lot or nothing in one day I am still important. I had to learn that I am important and what I do matters. I learned to give myself breaks during the day, do things I enjoy doing - for me that is dancing, listening to Christian Contemporary Music, and meeting with friends for tea. I also love to write and started my own blog about how to stay healthy in our mind, body, and spirit. Most of all I have learned to take those negative thoughts and self-talk captive. The book - Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer bit.ly/2GgPNgm- really helped me learn how my thoughts can cause my depression and how my thoughts can also make life exciting and worth living. I will be praying for you. It has been over two years since I have struggled, even when my circumstances have been hard, I have been able to keep my focus on God, trust Him for my strength, and stay away from that negative destroying thoughts and self-talk. I am available if you even want to chat pm me. Have a blessed week. Hugs!

I am curious about your blog... where is it posted? Who reads it? What is it about?

I will pm you the information.

Remember, the "harder you try" the more wound up we get. When we finally relax and stop resisting and trying so hard the adrenaline slows down. I assume that's what all the mediation and relaxation and WALKING does. Are you in an area where you can take walks. They are so helpful to me. I assume the walks are burning off chemicals that are revved up in my system. The days I walk I can go to the grocery and not have panic and drive and be around people. The world looks brighter...and I mean the sky looks bluer, the clouds look whiter. I am convinced there's some chemical thing going on in my brain after taking a walk. And if I set off on my walk and I am anxious I get into the now. "that's a tree", "I am walking, heel to toe", "there's a bird", and so on. The next thing I realize is that lots of cars have past me and they didn't irritate me and I can enjoy my walk. I can saunter. It's not a race.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to

I recently stopped my usual walkbor run or skate every day for about 40 minutes. I should get back to it but I don’t want to honestly. Even though I know it could help.

Thank you for your post. It is so easy to roll up in a room at home avoiding even your family when things get crazy and hyper focus on how to make it just stop. That is where I have been pretty much existing Every part of my life right now, with no where to turn, I am met with fires to put out which makes me a terrible ball of depression and anxiety fighting with each other. Knowing others are like this’s makes me feel terrible that it happens to more than just me, but also lets me be comforted that it has to pass or no one would share from the other side.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Alliea79

Alliea, i am so sorry to hear things are rough for you ; but yeah it can get better. May blessings cone to us both. We need it and deserve it.

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