In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*


Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?


Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*


4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep


If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write “About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!” and then never post again


Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes


Welcome to your 40s, if random back pain was money you could get Jeff Bezos to mow your lawn


If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.


The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.