The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 270


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I bet if my chapters were all this short I’d have all of them done by now.

It’s pronounced “White.”

I don’t mean “White-akker,” I mean “White.”

Yeah! That’s a legitimate way to set the scene.


She blew her old age away.

Michael: You’re creepy, go away.

Michael: You’re sad, go away.

Jewel: Soda! It made me young again.

Just like watching a movie in the theatre.

I’ve got crackers, but I feel like I should have popcorn.

Jeremy: I already seen this one.

Jewel: And we’re going on a cruise for our honeymoon!
Ally: Honey, you are engaged to Michael Whittaker. You’ll be lucky to get a five-minute break.
Michael: Yeah, a cruise, are you nuts.

Jewel: Hey, why does this engagement ring say “Dearest Poppy” on it?
Michael: Because RECYLING that’s WHY, you PLANET HATER!

Poppy: Life’s pretty good when your glass is EIGHT GLASSES ALL FULL

Michael: Awesome! I had a Want for “Hire an Employee from the Penal System!”


Veronica: It hurts when I do this. *flick*

Jewel: Are you projecting Michael onto this flamingo?

Jewel: He likes me!
Poppy: So you’re thought balloon illiterate, huh?

Poppy: Is this the part where I finally kill him?

Michael: Hold off on the killing for just a bit longer, please. I’ve almost got my Lifetime Want.

Whittaker’s Discount Furniture!

Michael: Whittaker’s Fine Furniture!

Fine, Fine.

“Your furniture might be nice, but is it fine? No, I mean… is it fine furniture. Not “is your furniture okay” because we’re not furniture doctors, and not “is your furniture fine” because you’re not gremlins. Are you?”

Don: Don’t get the joke.

Me either, it’s been years.


Don: I’ll take two!

So, Michael rented you from the cops.

Don: The shit you mastermind, man…

Michael: No talking to the Maker. Separation of church and shop, you know.

Jewel: Do you got stuffs?!
Ichelle: No?
Jewel: Oh. Then you don’t need tables.

Kay: Do these tables come with houses? To house them?
Jewel: Goodbye.

What happened?


Michael: If it’s not in the screenshot record, our policy doesn’t cover it.

Michael: This had better be lemonade.

Oh, good. This is always my favourite part.

I like how you got those lights to only light up to your property line.

Abigail: I can’t believe they let storms happen here, what a shit store.

Jewel: Come back when you’re less stupid.

Jewel: Or when the warlock’s gone.

Victor: Haha! Caught you! This was a sting operation all along!

Penny: Wouldn’t this look nice in our house, Jerome?
Jerome: We aren’t married anymore, Pen.
Penny: I know. I just wanted to hear someone say that.

Theresa: Is there a secret agent discount?
Michael: That’s classified.

Jewel: What’s that face for?
Jesse: …expressing emotions? What’s yours for?

‘aving a run of throwers are we, governess?

Seasons introduced weather.

Apartment Life introduced random obnoxious NPC weather overrides.

I hear that happens to old guys all the time, buddy.

Wow! That looks like shit on a one-tile lot.

Jewel: Wanna buy a chair? You’re old.

Jessie: Why are you wearing my clothes?
Anthony: If I was wearing your clothes you’d be naked.

Prof. Nolan Trimble: I’M OLD AND ANGRY

Jewel: Write down everything he says for the cops, Don.

Don: It’s okay, sir! We can be jail buddies!

Don: Either bitch somewhere else, or prepare to be my bitch.

Prof. Nolan: I’m still satisfied with my purchases.

Prof. Nolan: I love being old! There’s never any consequences for your actions!



Prof. Nolan: I think I offended the clouds somehow.

Michael: I’ll remember this faithful service when your court case comes up.
Don: Really?
Michael: HAHAHA NO! That’s conflict of interest.

Jewel: Why you so cold, boss?
Michael: ‘cuz it makes me hot.

Michael: I do most things for that reason.

Poppy: I think of him as being pretty hot myself.

Michael: Wait, wait. Back up. What’s a “friend”?

Jewel: Teaching baby how to be boring?



If character is what you do in the dark…

…you’re a pretty boring character, Mike.

Jewel: Naked pot! Value-added.

This house was missing a certain everything.

Anthony: Is that your helicopter upstairs?
Jewel: Are you having a stroke?

Are you?

Veronica: I get it! This is a game about making people feel bad enough to lose!
Michael: That’s why I call it the Game of Life!

Next time: a minor household blitz.

I’m so proud of myself.

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