Thursday, September 9, 2010

5 Pitch Entry: #29 Jessica Pettit

Title: Leeam and the World of Two Moons
Genre: YA Fantasy

Leeam Locke, a boy who has spent his entire life in a wheelchair, miraculously regains the ability to walk after being transported to a strange, parallel world--but with his first steps, he may be walking into disaster.


  1. I think you could take out "a boy who has spent his entire life in a wheelchair". It's a given that he wasn't able to walk if you tell us he miraculously regains that ability. The second part was kind of vague and cliche "walking into disaster". That's kind of a given :) I want to know more about the world and the shape-shifters, and perhaps give us a concrete example of his conflict.

  2. I know the connection to LOST is intentional, but it sounds too intentional. By that I mean, we've already seen another Locke transported to a new world and learn to walk again. What's different about your story?

  3. Since he's been in the wheelchair all his life, I'd remove the word "regains" since he never walked in the first place. Say "he gains the ability..." "Miraculously" is probably not needed either since it's inferred that this is a miracle occurrence.

    Consider if you want to use the word "may" in the last sentence. It may be stronger to say directly that "he walks [right] into a disaster.

    I like the premise and want to know what this disaster is all about! Hope this helps Jess.

  4. I looked a the comments above, and your Original query, to come up with this:

    "Wheelchair bound Leeam Locke wakes in a strange new world with the ability to walk and is immediately thrust into a war between a living god and the magical people he would destroy."

    Sorry that's not exactly a crit. I felt it easier to show what I felt than try to explain it (yep - I'm lazy...).

    Good luck. This is an interesting concept. it reminds me a bit of Stephen Donaldson's The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever.

  5. Nikki: I like the use of logic there. Telling the reader that he "regains" an ability is a nice use of logic to express more than actually is said. Thank you so much! :-D

    riferaff: Maybe that sounds like too much of a coincidence, but I've never watched LOST. I was actually afraid the plot would be too similar to Avatar. The last name was suggested to me by my fiance, who detests LOST, so he probably didn't get it from there either. It may be something I'll need to change! Thanks!

    June G.: These are all things that I definitely should have thought about as I picked my words, but didn't! Your critique is a huge help!

    Jim Hill: Wow! Thank you for going back and doing that for me. It really helps me understand where I should be going with this pitch, and came out a lot better than my original. Going back to my original post definitely isn't lazy!

    Again, thank you all so much for your time!

    - Jess Pettit

