Social Anxiety As Real As it Could Ever Be


By Ariel Sullivan

I am the most awkward of awkward. If there were a crowning ceremony for people who find themselves in the most humiliation after every social encounter, I would own a pretty exorbitantly priced piece of jewelry for the top of my head.

I recount mortifying stories over and over again in my mind, wondering where I went wrong. I fall asleep running through a list that even predates teenage adolescence. In the 3rd grade, I walked into the boy’s restroom as my long-time crush notified me of my mix-up as he was peeing. In the 4th grade I called my teacher “grandma.”

I had a noticeable speech impediment growing up that made it almost impossible for me to properly annunciate the sound of the letter R. Somehow, the speech impediment metastasized like a cancer and extended to other parts of my speech. I’ve long since learned how to pronounce an R, but I now add the letters L or R to random words when I am not paying close enough attention. I’ve essentially overcorrected the problem. Every mispronounced word replays in my mind during my bedtime humiliation checklist. “It was just a litter bit,” repeating in my head like a haunting Gregorian chant.


I’m not sure why words don’t form outside of my brain the way they’re so carefully constructed originally, but I often find myself cursing my inexcusable social behavior and my inability to quickly recover from it.




3. Every single time I am telling a story, face-to-face and realize the person is making eye contact with me, meaning he or she is actually listening, I freeze up and lose my train of thought, effectively losing the other person’s interest and my entire credibility.


5. Not being able to ask questions or to make an informed/intelligent comment during class because I hate the sound of my own voice after not speaking for a long time, and because of the idea of having a group of people intently listening to something I have to say makes my limbs heavy, my heart race, and I get the sudden urge to be the sole survivor of a plane crash on a deserted island that can’t be found on maps or by modern technology.


7. Wondering what was meant by literally everything said to me by another human. Does everything someone says to me have a hidden meaning? CAN I CRACK IT?




I’ve always been more of a writer. When I get in a fight with someone, I don’t ever verbalize my emotions. Truthfully, I can’t get any words out because of all the impending angry crying. Instead, I send letters. With writing, I have a chance to think about my feelings and what I want to say. Nobody, especially myself, has to hear my voice and all my words falling from my mouth.

I am my best, scripted and edited. Calculated and rehearsed. And I’m damn proud of it. So what if every once in awhile I randomly acquire a stutter or the pause in our conversation carries on a little too long. My social anxiety gives me some character. I may be dying on the inside during every social failing, but I might as well rock that humiliation crown.


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{featured image via pexels}