Saturday, July 18, 2009

On being Bella-fied

My best friend and I are a little strange. When we read, we tend to get so into books that we think we may be living in them. For example, after reading Twilight, her husband came home one night, cold from standing outside, and she thought for a fleeting moment that he might actually be a vampire.

Then she told me about it.

Like I said, we're a little strange. Tonight, I've been sitting here, trying to put my finger on how best to put how miserable I am into words, and suddenly, it hit me. I am Bella in New Moon.

It all clicked into place. Finally, I had a notch to compare myself to. I am that miserable.

Have you read New Moon? I don't want to give away any spoilers, but basically, this girls (vampire) boyfriend breaks up with her and leaves, ostensibly for her own good (you know, because he's a vampire and all). She goes into one of the craziest, zombiest depressions ever and just goes through the motions of life, trying her best to feel nothing. She stops watching movies in which there is any mention of love. She starts listening to rap music because it doesn't remind her of him. She never, ever talks about it or says his name. She walks around with her arms literally wrapped around her middle because the pain is so intense that she feels like she'll fall apart if she lets go.

Overly dramatic? Check! Teenage angst? Check! I should be able to deal with my emotions in a more mature fashion, right?

Not really. I mean, did you read about the head butt? I am obviously not that evolved. Am I going to feel like this forever, slightlyin shock that this has become my life, slightly mystified at how it happened without my knowldege and consent? Are the months going to fly by, blank pages where I fail to surface and live life at all?

I mean, I'm obviously alive. I feed my kids breakfast, lunch, and dinner, we have dance parties, I clean, they make a mess, I clean again. I love putting them into bed at 7 and being off the clock, not having to worry about not crying in front of them or seeming sad. But I'm not living. I'm mourning.

Come to church? Nah, no thanks. Can't handle people feeling sorry for me. Come to the movies with friends? No way, they're all couples! Go ice skating? No, what will everyone be thinking of me? Will they be wondering what I did so wrong? I can't go back to our normal lives, because if I do, I'll be admitting that this is my new normal.

On a scale of bad, today has been horrific. I can't help it, I miss my husband. I am also incredibly empty physically. I am literally craving touch from someone over the age of 4. I am tired and want someone to take care of me.

But let's be honest...I don't want a friend, or my mom, or any of the people willing to take care of me. I want him, and he isn't interested.

Then, my glasses broke. I've been wearing them with one earpiece, looking like an idiot. Then, today, they just disappeared. Can't find them anywhere. Can't get new ones without a new prescription. Can't see at all. I have terrible vision. So bad I'm considering using my prescription sunglasses so that I can watch Days of our Lives.

I'm also just sitting here, waiting for my cell phone to get turned off. We don't have the money to pay the bill I referenced in my last post yet, and so John's phone is already off. It's only a matter of time for mine. We don't have a landline, and now I have literally no way to contact John. Don't know where he's staying, can't call him or text him. He gave his friends my number and told them not to answer it, because he said I wasn't acting rationally last week.

How are you supposed to act when your husband leaves you? I don't have the manual for this, but I am fairly confident "rational" isn't on the list.

This would all be simpler if I was a character in a book and I could skip ahead to see the ending.


Momof2bz said...

Hi El,

Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day :( Better days are ahead. I know it's hard to believe but they are. How about instead of a new normal, you call it "adjusted" normal or "temporary" normal? You shouldn't shut yourself off to everyone because eventually you have to get back out there and socialize. It's good to go out even if you don't talk about it. Sometimes you just need El time. Hope it gets better really soon.

Anonymous said...

I have no clue how I found your blog, but my heart just breaks for you. Please know that the feelings you are feeling are completely normal...I'm not sure I could function if my husband left me. I will add you to my prayer list, and pray that God will meet you where you are, that He will work on your husband's heart, and that He will give you your spiritual manna from heaven EACH DAY.

Sew a Fine Seam said...

Oh El, I'm praying for you right now.And for John. That he will see that he needs to commit to loving you and getting your marriage back on track no matter what.
Could you put a donation button or address to send money to you somewhere on your blog? i've had a friend ask how you are doing financially and if there was a way to help you out.
Hugs from afar,

Rose said...

What a miserable book New Moon was. I am so sorry!

Shannon said...

Oh man, New Moon stunk. Not so much the book itself, but that horrible emptiness that Bella went through. I feel so bad that that's what you are feeling like. I will be praying for you.

s said...

i am just like you when i read books, the twilight series especially. it is my current fixation. it kills me to think that you feel like bella in new moon, i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. i am so sorry you are going through this!

Chelsea Coker said...

Hello El,

I'm not sure how I stumbled across your blog, but I discovered it about a week ago. I wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers, sincerely. I admire your faith in God and determination for your family through the "storm" that you're going through.

Shelby said...

Hello there....

I found your blog through Kingdom Twindom and I read most all of it last night. I know you are in the 'valley' of your life right now, but I can read your spirit and your faith and things WILL get better. You will see brighter days. God has huge plans for you, sweet momma, and I hope you can keep your beautiful chin up and hang in there. Whether or not your husband begins to 'see' through the fog in his life right now or not, YOUR life will go on. You and your beautiful babies will see happy days. Believe in Him and His hope. It is there. Sometimes hard to see through the fog...but it's there! Promise!

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh girl! I wish there was someone other than John that could help take your pain away. I've imagined the pain I would feel if my husband were to pass away. I can't imagine how hard it would be knowing he was still here and was choosing to take himself out of my life.

I know you are wanting your husband's touch so badly. Just know God is holding you in His arms right now. Just imagine the feeling of His arms around you holding you and loving you. You aren't alone. He will never leave you.

I'm pretty sure you are allowed to be a little irrational at this point to. If his friends can't see that they probably aren't worth your friendship anyways.

Erin said...

Hey El,
I cam't say I know how you are feeling, but I have read the book and if that is how are you feeling I can only feel for you! I am so sorry you are going through this and I only wish that your kids will help you make it through this! I hope your family and friends can be there for you! I know its not that same but its nice to have someone or people that can be there for you and support you!

I only wish your husband would open his eyes. Would come back and be the dad he needs to be and the husband he should be to his pregnant wife!

I will be thinking about you and your family!

Driving three Prince Girls said...

Everyday that you struggle through is a day closer to feeling better. You broke my heart when you said "am I going to feel this way forever?" I promise you that you will not feel like this forever. Try to stay focused on the right now and don't waste your energy on anything further ahead than that. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you......

Lynne Piper said...

Dear El: My head spins when I think of how I would feel in your shoes. Head butts and irrational thinking are nothing compared to what would bubble up in me. You've shown incredible grace and honesty. If this is your outlet for the time being, then I'm glad you're talking.

I am praying for enough strength and peace for the day, because I believe that's how we're going to have to take it, one day at a time.


Lynne in Houston

Jessica said...

Yeah, your comparison to Bella in New Moon seems about right...It's true that you won't feel like this forever, but it's also really hard to care about the future and any mythical joy that may hold when the present is so painful and encompassing.

I am praying for you and John...And for that peace that we just cannot understand to be your shield right now...

M J said...

Duh, John... Pregnant women in extraordinarily stressful situations don't always act rationally! Grrrrrr I just want to pound him for you!
I know this from experience, by the way. When I was pregnant with my second child I had to leave my husband. He was abusive, and it wasn't safe for myself or my children. For a time, I went back to an ex boyfriend. Crazy, I know, but I longed for something predictable, and someone who would care for me. Granted, my ex boyfriend was predictably drunk, which was why we were no longer together, but he was predictable, nonetheless. (Yep, I really knew how to pick 'em until my darling husband I am married to today!) El, I will pray for you! I will pray that God will speak to John, and if it is His will that John come home, he will. I will pray for peace and strength for you, and your children. I will also pray that if it is not God's will for John to come back for whatever reason, that he will bless you ever so much more than you could possibly imagine. I know that was the case in my life. I don't deserve what He has given me, and it is far beyond anything I would have imagined for myself.

Sassy said...

El I am so sorry. I really don't have much else to say but that.

Still praying for you,

Mrs. Valente said...

Praying for you sweet mama. I haven't read the book but everything you described sounds so familiar. Brian and I went to see HP last night and I burst into tears twice because I knew you weren't seeing it with John.

When Brian and I were separated he went to see an animated film with a date (something we have done together since our first date - a tradition *I* started). I found the ticket stubs in his jacket when he was visiting the kids (what did I tell you about that destructive snooping?!). To this day I can't watch a preview for that movie without wanting to run away. He still doesn't know that! Wow.

I didn't do anything fun while we were separated, and that's good in that I turned so desperately to God, but it wasn't entirely healthy either.

I'm praying many good days for you until the great day when you see your miracle!

Loving on you in prayer!

Emily said...

El, I'm just so sorry. You really have it way worse than Bella (since this is real life, although I loved your reference to how you read; the lines between reality and fantasy are often very blurred for me. Once I saw a big dog and thought it was a werewolf!)
and I really wish I could offer advice, give you hugs, or beat some sense into your husband. I'm really just praying for you and John. Praying that he realizes that a marriage is ALWAYS worth fighting for and that if he doesn't fight for it he's truly never going to experience real joy. And praying for your strength and everything else.

labride said...

I'm so sorry about how things are going. I'm praying for you. I found your blog through Jack and Mandy-The Blog, your a very strong woman who has overcome a lot, and a great mom. God will see you through this.

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