
h a l f b a k e r y
Please listen carefully, as our opinions have changed.



account: browse anonymously, or get an account and write.



Silent dating

It all goes wrong when people start to talk
  (+10, -8)
(+10, -8)
  [vote for,

When going on a blind date, both parties should commit to saying nothing to each other, except to indicate whether they want to have another date at the end. This goes on for up to ten dates. They are allowed to do anything else except communicate verbally. This has three advantages: both people are forced to develop their non-verbal communication, they will become steadily more fascinated with each other due to the lack of information about each other, and nothing hurtful will be said if it doesn't work out.
nineteenthly, Jan 14 2008

Why didn't I think of this? Silence_20group
[zeno, Jan 15 2008]

Restaurant 4'33" Restaurant_204_2733
by contracts. A suitable venue. [calum, Jan 15 2008]

so baked after all http://www.quietparty.com/
[zeno, Jan 15 2008]

Please log in.
Short name, e.g., Bob's Coffee
Destination URL. E.g., https://www.coffee.com/
Description (displayed with the short name and URL.)

       So, it's a kind of dating agency for Trappist monks?
skinflaps, Jan 14 2008

       I almost called it "Trappist dating" actually.
nineteenthly, Jan 14 2008

       No, i've been married fourteen years.   

       The idea came to me a few years ago when i used to argue constantly with my brother's now ex-wife, and i felt that everything between us would've been OK if only we didn't speak to each other.
nineteenthly, Jan 14 2008

       cool, I bet this would be a lot more physical than normal dating.
phundug, Jan 14 2008

       You can achieve this without the explicit commitment to silence by having all your dates in a noisy club. "A table near the bassbin, my good man."
calum, Jan 14 2008

       We have a suspicion that this would not be popular with the female half of the date .... blokes can sit amicably in a pub, supping ale and saying damn all (except the occasional expulsion of trapped gas), and reckon they've had a good night out, but women like to talk .....
8th of 7, Jan 14 2008

       I understand that certain bathhouses used to have arrangements like this. Maybe they still do.
bungston, Jan 14 2008

       Turn out the lights, too, and you have something seriously interesting going on here.
ping, Jan 14 2008

       Interesting that only males have responded to this. I'd say you have a lose lose proposition here. Do none of you realize that talking is for many women, as good as foreplay?   

       women should talk and men should listen. there have been volumes written on this stuff, go get a book.
dentworth, Jan 14 2008

       // Interesting that only males have responded to this.
Wrong, too.
ping, Jan 14 2008

       sorry ping, not knowing one or two of the above should have said mostly males. and I didn't see 8th of 7's response. so ...yeah...
dentworth, Jan 14 2008

       But, is it not the case that it's unclear who talks more and that it depends on the company? Also, how about women being more sensitive to non-verbal communication?
nineteenthly, Jan 14 2008

       //When going on a blind date, both parties should commit to saying nothing to each other//
Current TV dating shows clearly demonstrate that this is already common practice.
Letsbuildafort, Jan 14 2008

       Sitting opposite someone with beautiful eyes and perfect skin can have the effect of turning the volume down on whatever's going on around you at the time.
zen_tom, Jan 14 2008

       Yeah love this idea. Check out the link to see why.
zeno, Jan 15 2008

       I've no first hand knowledge, but I believe there is an aspect of Quaker worship that resembles this.
normzone, Jan 15 2008

       oh for petey sake people, there's enough silence after you've been married a few years. At least give me an effort when we go out on a date!
dentworth, Jan 15 2008

       My knowledge on this comes purely from british television shows, so please excuse me if I have the wrong end of the stick, but is this not similar in essence to the practise known as 'dogging' ?
ConsulFlaminicus, Jan 15 2008

       This is a horrible idea. Talk, talk more, keep talking. I don't know where the line is but the first couple thousand words are lies and you might as well get through them. If talking breaks you up, then hurry up and get it over with and move on. Sadly this is a subject I know something about as I dated for 20 years before getting married. Too many people do stupid things like going to movies on first dates, which means no talking. And as [dentworth] said, talking is what women want.
MisterQED, Jan 15 2008

       I'm sorry about that, [MisterQED]. I suppose what this discussion shows is that silence is difficult to interpret. Is it not possible that there would be less silence later if there was silence at the beginning?   

       My wife says i talk too much. Would you say that unspoken understanding is illusory?
nineteenthly, Jan 15 2008

       I think silence is a part of language. Unspoken understanding is an advanced art and certainly exists, but is unrealistic to expect in a new relationship. If attempted, then most likely misinterpreted. One woman's silence could signal wrapped appreciaton of the perfect moment, while another's signals the brooding pressure building moment before explosion occurs. Both can exhibit identical external signs.   

       Here is an example from experience: you are a gentleman and open a door for a lady, she nods her head inrecogntion, is she A. appreciative of the gesture and the existance of chivalry? or B. a radical feminist who feels insulted that you feel she is incapable of opening a door for herself? or C. Thinks this was just a meal, not a date and is now uncomfortable in the idea that you are turning this into something it wasn't?   

       Read her silence incorrectly and you loose. You are possibly 30 seconds into a relationship, what is your responce?
MisterQED, Jan 15 2008

       // talking is what women want. //   

       No, what women want is a gold American Express card. Specifically, YOUR gold American Express card.   

       // My wife says i talk too much //   

       Would you believe that there are people who agree with her ?   

       // you loose //   

       Sp: lose   

       You're going to lose anyway so you may as well get it over with. At least it's only cost you the price of the meal, not your car, your house and everything else.....
8th of 7, Jan 15 2008

       Have you never fancied someone like mad from afar, mutually flirted with your eyes whenever you saw each other, constructed complex day dreams involving chance meetings and subway blackouts, imagined unzipping them like a banana and licking them from head to foot, worked yourself up into an absolute frenzy of anticipation ... and then found out they were a complete twonk when you talked to them? What a waste of fantasy time!   

squeak, Jan 15 2008


       *fatal flaw--you shouldn't be dating your brother's wife. ;)
xandram, Jan 15 2008

       I referred to my wife because i wanted to indicate that women sometimes think men talk too much, and when i say "talk" i don't mean ranting on about stuff, i mean the "what are you thinking?" type stuff, which i do all the time and she wishes i didn't, so there are women who prefer silence too.   

       [MisterQED], i like the example. What people say, though, is often not to be taken at face value but has other significance, intended or unintended. It isn't clear to me whether there would be more misunderstanding with an illusion of communication created by a spoken conversation than there would be without it.   

       Three German words absent from the English language are "zerreden", "Gerede" and "schweigen", to talk something to death, to talk around something without really saying anything and to keep silent. I tend to think there may be a lot of the first two and not enough of the third. I also think it's ironic that English is silent on these things.   

       In the door example you use, a selection process might result, where the only people who get to the end of the ten dates without deciding they don't want to go on are more likely to be the ones with whom it would actually be worth having a long relationship. A man holds a door open out of chivalry and the woman doesn't like his gesture, so no more dates. In any case, there is a certain amount of incompatibility there. There is no confusion about date/meal, because it being a date is a given.   

       [squeak], yes i have done that, but unfortunately it didn't stop me from persisting in my folly.   

       [xandram], dating his ex-wife ?! I can't imagine a worse form of psychological torture. Hell isn't other people for me, it's the idea of being with her.   

       (Not that she isn't a very nice and wonderful human being).   

       Maybe what i should bring to this now is silence.
nineteenthly, Jan 15 2008

Jinbish, Jan 15 2008

       [nineteenthly] I never said that silence was always wrong. I only object to the timing you suggested. Sadly, over 20 years, I tried almost every kind of dating and the one I thought would work the best was internet dating. I ended up writing to a girl for months without even knowing what she looked like. I think after that kind of lead in, a silent date would have been good. You could then explore a different kind of conversation and appreciate the silence that you earned, but you can't skip the lead in.
MisterQED, Jan 15 2008

       //No, what women want is a gold American Express card. Specifically, YOUR gold American Express card.//
Almost six thousand years after Satan first planted the fossil history in the Earth's crust, and the truth is revealed!
<gentle aside> My wife certainly has become a different woman after receiving the abovementioned item. We also go on "Silent Dates". The occassion is usually precipitated by me receiving the AmEx bill, asking some seemingly innocent questions related to certain line items in the statement, and her response of: "Let's go out to dinner and discuss it.". Silence. Write out cheque. End date. </ga>
4whom, Jan 15 2008

       No thanks. I'm a single dating male and there is no way I'm going on 10 dates with a girl without conversation.   

       Occasionally, I could see maybe having a fun night out with a committed girlfriend where we don't talk, just try to get along reading the others body language.   

       This idea looks like nothing more than a more complicated way of saying "No strings attached, sex only".
Noexit, Jan 15 2008

       I actually like this in some strange and mysterious way, for maybe 3 dates. But I'm not saying how.   

       Maybe we can just sniff eachother's butts?
RayfordSteele, Jan 15 2008

       Please, tell us you mean cigratette butts .....
8th of 7, Jan 15 2008

       I once had an rather surreal week-long relationship with a girl from some western european country. Never even found out where it was she was from. I was away from home on a course for work, and she was staying at the same place.   

       It was almost entirely nonverbal communication as she had only a few words of english, and frankly we didn't even bother trying for complex discussion. I'm not describing a dirty weekend here, we spent more time hanging out and doing stuff than... y'know.   

       I never managed to maintain any communication afterwards, I think the almost nonexistant language overlap took care of that. I suppose what I'm trying to say is this idea has great potential - I was surprised at how well things went with so few words. I imagine there would be a great deal of misses rather than hits, but I'd definitely give it a go.   

       As a side note, the bit above about //He wasn't showing off wealth, but was smart and reeked of quality// - so sad, really. Maybe I read too much into things.
Custardguts, Jan 16 2008

das Schweigen -> silence, hush, stillness
das Gerede -> Blather, twaddle, jabber
zerreden -> to talk to death (okay it's not a single word but "zerreden" is just the verb to talk + a prefix denoting destruction).
squeak, Jan 16 2008

       But she never said 'No' or 'Stop', officer!
britboy, Jan 16 2008

       Aber das Wort Schweigen kann wie ein Verbum gewendet sein, z.B. mit dem Satz von Wittgenstein in Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus, und es gibt doch kein Wort "zer". Darum ist das Wort "zerreden" eigentlich ein Wort, nicht zwei Woerter zusammen. Ich habe kein Problem mit Deiner Uebersetzung von "Gerede" wie "blather". Das habe ich nicht vorher gedacht, und es ist ganz interessant.   

       Wenn ich nicht auf Englisch hier schreibe, habe ich nicht gesprochen, und meine Stille ist nicht gebrochen, selbst wenn meine Sprache haesslich ist. Ich bin auch nicht dieselbe Person auf Deutsch.   

       - [aufgeblasen]
nineteenthly, Jan 16 2008

       Women should be obscene and not heard.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 16 2008

       [nineteenthly] Silence can also be used as a verb.   

       Transitive verb - Silence
To cause to be quiet

       Transitive verb - Hush
To be or become quiet

       (Und hässlich war das nicht, eigentlich fast poetisch (obwohl doch ein bisschen aufgeblasen)!

       //habe ich nicht gesprochen,
und meine Stille ist nicht gebrochen//

       Alles was sich reimt ist gut!   

       //Ich bin auch nicht dieselbe Person auf Deutsch.//   

       I a net.)
squeak, Jan 17 2008

       Wouldn't you come prepared with a series of question/answer cards, in a Dylan-esque Subterranian Homesick Blues styleé?
Jinbish, Jan 17 2008

       Would oral sex be out of the question, then?
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 17 2008

       Vielen Dank, [squeak]. Ist das erste Wort aber nicht etwas wie "verschweigen". Ich habe allgemein keine Ahnung wie ich anderen bin, wenn ich deutsch verwenden. Das ist zwar auch der Fall auf englisch, wahrscheinlich. Ich kann aber englisch nicht, natuerlich! [nineteenthly] ist meine andere Identitaet.   

nineteenthly, Jan 17 2008


back: main index
