

by Hentavirus Jefferson-Gonzales


Now the only thing different this time was that discussion after the movie kind of died. People got home, popped a few beers and started talking about the film, but conversation just drifted away. Since I live undercover — my parents, friends, teachers, coworkers and girlfriend would shit cum-encrusted tampons if they knew what I actually thought — I was at one of these events and can affirm that we were joking about entirely unrelated stuff by the time the night was halfway done.

This implies that the movie may not have been bad, but it was not good either, or at least, not good enough. Here, from my favorite trolls, is your spoiler: “Luke dies. Leia doesn’t die. Yoda returns. Snoke dies.” Do you see a pattern here? It is just like the past five films: scrambling together bits of that first film from 1977 to make a soap opera style “ironic” and “challenging” story line.

But even a monkey in a cage gets an inkling of the relationship between the scientist in the pink trench coat and that stabbing pain in his rectum when he wakes up from the anaesthesia, and people are starting to get skeptical. The proof is in how many (or how few) people are going out into the cold night to go see this movie:

Last night, “The Last Jedi” scored $45 million in preview shows around the US. That’s the second highest Thursday preview opening ever, behind “The Force Awakens,” so that’s good news.

But the WTH news is that “The Force Awakens” did $57 million on its Thursday previews two years ago. In between there was “Rogue One” with a $29 million preview Thursday last year.

Just like Roy Moore voters and God during the Holocaust,™ they stayed home and took a nap. They are getting tired of the gimmick: the storyline takes “unexpected” twists that are just ironic like a hipster’s exactly-the-opposite-of-normal haircut, the constant political correctness pushing another female/minority hero with zero charisma, the complete lack of any meaningful quest, unlike the first movie.

During the turbulent years after 9/11 a friend of mine lived with his stepmother and chodefather in a home on the edge of town. They had this old barn but no one used it, so we got the power working and had a pretty sweet setup out there until some nibba stole the television in the middle of a blackout caused when a train derailed and took out the one power pole we needed. A total loss, but we were about to graduate so w/e anyway.

We used to load a bowel and throw on the original Star Wars to laugh at it. It was a campy, ridiculous film, a sad metaphor retelling the American victory in World War 2 as if we did something good, linked up with a need to sell lots of little bits of plastic shit shaped like R2D2 and that overgrown terrier, Chewbacca (sounds like a Skol advertisement out here). The plot mostly made sense, in that “everyone must do everything the hard way” way that it really did not. But I could enjoy it. It was a clear story, with characters who seemed like real people struggling with real life questions, and a lot of funny scenes where there was actual tension between the two Jewish characters, Han Solo and Princess Leia. The droids were interesting enough to capture whole minutes of screen time.

But then… The Great Retardation happened. I caught up with the later “Star Wars” films in the late 2000s when I discovered BitTorrent. And, well, what the hell happened? The tight action, poignant dialogue, intelligent characters, and sense of purpose was gone, replaced by a Saturday morning cartoon which was determined to burn through as many clichés from the original movie as possible. The special effects were overboard, but still not really believable, which added to the cartoony feel. I shut one movie off in disgust and went to bed, which is what $12 million worth of preview viewers did as well, apparently.

See, the thing is, with anything in life you need to separate between something you do because it is worth doing, and something that everyone else does because of social inertia. People keep doing the same stupid stuff in the hope that other people will like them — this is really just an inflamed fear of death and irrelevance, if you ask me — and if you do not stop, think, and ask why, you will just end up caught in the stampede along with that peer pressure herd… to your loss.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why anyone would attend a “Star Wars” movie now, or even anytime after 2001. They are milking you for nostalgia. Although you are in denial of it, you got old, holmes. When you were growing up in the 80s and 90s, Star Wars still had a rep… and they are taking that to the bank with these “C” movies sold as “A” list blockbusters.

Because the hype is so huge, and every girl wants to be a nerd nowadays to cover up the fact that she is actually a thot, no one wants to hear the brutal truth on these films: they are garbage made for morons, and you are an imbecile if you attend them. This is just another sheep trend. There is no substance, but someone’s getting rich on your stupidity. Oh, the un-divine comedy of it all.

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34 thoughts on “Trend Remover: The Last Jedi Is The Last Film You Should Ever See”

  1. HH says:

    Star Wars was never good

    1. Thewaters says:

      I agree.

    2. desu metal says:

      The OG trilogy was valuable because it was one of the few bits of contemporary media that gave kids an example of how to take direction in your life as a man. Idk how anyone remains a fan of SW after the age of 13 or 14 but the lessons about how to confront fear and sex and revenge apply later in life.

      If I had kids, Eps. 4-6 would be some of the only Hollywood works I would want them exposed to.

      1. milk my dick says:

        Well said

    3. Lee says:

      Agree. People who likw them are too easily impressed.

    4. Rainer Weikusat says:

      The original three movies had one thing going for them: The special effects weren’t CGI.

      1. I disagree. They had one thing going for them: better screenwriting.

        And really, that applies most to the first. It was tight, balanced between humor, personality and a compelling storyline, and the characters were believable.

        The other two in the original trilogy were OK, I suppose… but Ewoks are a horror that this world never should have known.

        Everything since has been a collecting of garbage threaded together with bullshit and motivated by nonsense.

        1. Rainer Weikusat says:

          The coming-of-age story about the orphan stuck on a backwater desert planet who turns out to have been born into an almost forgotten caste of knight sorcerers and who ends up saving the galaxy because of his jet fighter pilot skills while rescueing a princess incarcerated by an evil emperor in the process has certainly some appeal as a modern fairy tale despite it’s littered with hair-raising impossibities, the professional scavengers of droids which happen to fall from the sky, the farmer who lives alone with his wife and an adopted son in the middle of the desert and who doesn’t farm anything (and what could farm?) or the protagonist who can magically operate automatic AA guns[*] and advanced fighter craft without even a minute of training on either of both, to name just a few.

          What set this apart from similar tripe was the music and sounds and the determination to make even to most extraordinary things look realistic, especially with regards to movements in relation to size and mass. The only thing I ever saw from the latter day Star Wars were short, special-effect heavy sequences which are just the same computer animations everybody uses and which look exactly as unrealistic as always.

          [*] One of the more useless things I did in the past was becoming a superficially trained AA gunner for 40mm Bofors autocannons. That’s not as easy as “sit down and fire away”.

          1. Negrew says:

            “Yeah like totally dude, this movie with space wizards and laser swords is like unrealistic man and controlling sci-fi space guns should be just as difficult as operating 40mm Bofors autocannons in real life because that would be like totally more realistic dude.”

            So yeah, your comments are retarded and you appear to suffer from extreme autism.

            1. Rainer Weikusat says:

              I don’t know what you believe to be commenting on but it’s certainly not the text I wrote. Eg, you seem to have missed that I actually like the first three Star Wars movies (in order 2, 1, 3, the third being a little special effects on auto-pilot) because this really unbelievable world & story is brought to life by making it appear real, something the computer-animated sequels didn’t bother to do.

              It’s fairly well-known that Lucas designed his space combat scenes based on WWII air war footage. The design the Millenium Falcon guns use is close to that of real, fairly small-caliber AA guns of this period. In line with the technology Lucas knew, it’s all mechanical plus manual, no fancy computers to help with anything. Hence, one can realistically expect them to be operated in roughly the same way. Which will at least need an explanation what the stuff on the gun sight is actually supposed to be and good for, and some practice learning how to read it. The same goes for the gun controls. These things are not computer animations, y’know, but there’s a metal construction of a certain inert mass which needs to be moved around. Not that people would usually be very successful when playing a fast-paced, first-person shooter for the first time except if it has been sillied down to the degree that it isn’t fun to play anymore.

              But – oh my – anybody who doesn’t think “The Walt Disney strikes back, episodes LXXV – MCMLXXXIII, to be continued” would be The Greatest Stuff On The Planet™ is clearly retarded …

              1. Negrew says:

                “Hence, one can realistically expect them to be operated in roughly the same way. ”

                No, you fucking idiot. Do you have any idea how fucking retarded you sound? THIS IS A GODDAMN MOVIE ABOUT SPACE WIZARD WITH LASER SWORDS. You don’t “realistically expect” anything. SPACE WIZARDS WITH LASER SWORDS. No one gives a fuck if the Millennium Falcon guns are “unrealistic” because they are “too easy” to operate.


                This has nothing to do with anything. Disney Cuck Wars are shit to anyone who is not a slobbering retard. At the same time, bitching about “realism” in a movie about space wizards who fight with laser swords is stupid beyond belief. Fuck.

                1. Rainer Weikusat says:

                  Ok, trying this again very slowly: Do you remember the Star Wars 1 movie? There’s a scene immediately after the Millenium Falcon (that’s a space ship) escapes from the Death Star (a larger space ship). It’s then attacked by a fairly small number of Tie Fighters (smaller space ships). A guy named Luke Skywalker (a protagonist, the blonde one) then mans an automated light shooting thing (AA gun) with a small display showing two squares of squares (geometrical figures) on it. That’s a gun sight. There’s no text or anything on it, yet, the country boy apparently knows how to interpret it. But nobody ever explained it to him.

                  Now comes the really difficult part (fetch an adult if necessary): The same guy who had to be told how to activate a light sword when seeing one for the first time magically knows how to operate this device. How can this be? That’s a plot inconsistency the excellent screenplay successfully papers over. This has nothing to do with SPACE WIZARDS WITH LASER SWORDS as such. It would akin to something like a stormtrooper shooting Han Solo to no avail, “Haha! I won’t die until several movies later!”, followed by Solo shooting the other dead with the same kind of weapon.

                  1. Negrew says:

                    I know the scene you are talking about and I still think you are being dumb. It’s a movie about Space Wizards with Laser Swords and no one cares if it’s “inconsistent” that the desert farmboy knows how to work the gun turret but not the lightsabre. I mean, even if we wanted to nitpick the “realism” of a movie about Space Wizards and Laser Swords, this wouldn’t be the prime target.

                    After all, space wizards are supposed to be “extra special” so maybe turning on the laser sword is just not intuitive if you’ve never seen one, whereas throughout the film there are references to Luke being a pilot and knowing stuff. Maybe operating space ship guns is just something people learn to do in that universe, like farmboys in real life learn to use tractors such that they can hop in different tractors and work them even if they are somewhat different than the tractor back at home.

                    Personally I think your complaints are dumb. I realize everyone draws the line differently when it comes to verisimilitude, but still.

                    Instead, it makes more sense to complain about how Leia was not violently raped by Jabba’s sand people henchman, because that would be realistic based on what we see happening in Europe.

          2. Negrew says:

            “Like I mean dude totally what could you farm on a desert planet? A desert planet, I mean it must be just like the Sahara desert on earth so what could you farm? There couldn’t possibly be any alien space desert crops because they don’t have those on earth and I am like totally thinking a movie about space wizard with laser swords should emulate farming in the Sahara Desert on Earth.”

            1. A fan says:

              They’re moisture farmers

          3. gorgeous georg wilhelm freidrich says:

            I thought droids pilot the fighters…?

  2. Sleeve of Wizard says:

    Good article. Rip the sacred flesh.

  3. neutronhammer says:

    The Black fellow just sticks out like a yellow pus filled cyst, black people have no business featuring in space science fiction.

  4. Falsehammer says:

    What did you expect now that the franchise is Jew owned?

    1. Falsehammer says:

      Wait, it was shit before then too

  5. S.B. says:

    “We used to load a bowel…”

    Smoked bowels…nice.

  6. I sodomised Brett and he liked it, the taste of his cherry asshole says:

    Pointless article.

  7. Silence says:

    What the fuck does this have to do with death metal?

  8. Deathevokation says:

    I’m not interested in Star Wars trash. That’s cause at the age of 11 back in 1983 I saw Return of the Jedi as rubbish to sell toys. Including Return of the Jedi, each new movie in the series has been a shameless cash grab. Only morons can’t see the obvious. Nothing in this review tells me anything new. Despite the spoilers nothing in this review-rant dissects who, what, when, why, where, and how the plot, characters, screenplay, filming, acting, camera angles, and directing makes The Last Jedi trash. Shit, I could take one look at the morons outside the theater waiting to see The Last Jedi, and write this lame rant-review as an excuse to slam useful idiots without stupidly spending money on a movie ticket. Had the guest writer actually dissected the film then applied it to the useful idiots in the audience, and to the broader corporate sickness of hyping films with no substance based on nostalgia this may have been a review of substance. Instead, the guest writer tries too hard not to be a hipster, which is ironic since the reviewer went to the movie.

  9. canadaspaceman says:

    The Star Wars- The Imperial March (Darth Vader’s Theme is more metal than all the combined bands regurgitating shoegaze and masquerading as black metal.
    The Imperial March begins one of the greatest songs ever – CENTURION: This Planet Is Ours!

    Star Wars, and The Empire Strikes Back are still cool, but the rest of the franchise can be avoided.
    The Nintendo64 videogame for the Phantom Menace was alright, and Episode I: The Phantom Menace had a funny character, Watto, looking like a whiny, hooknosed pawnbroker! My friends called him “the flying jew”!

  10. milk my dick says:

    Mansplaining, stronk womyn need not. Mm, problematic, white culture is. Burn it all, we must! Eeheehehehheuhe!

  11. Destroy your life for Satan says:

    I had no idea this movie was even released.

  12. Negron says:

    Unbeliavable what I’m reading. My Autism levels increased tenfold – praise Yoda & diabetes.

  13. Redrum says:

    When DMU gonna review the new GODFLESH album?

    1. I slept right through it. How is it?

      1. Tigerland says:

        A cheap and good cure for insomnia then…

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