Posts Tagged Humor

Four Of A Perfect Kind: An Exercise in Platonic Horror
















Free Market Anatomy

The Silent Majority

Right Lung, you work hard everyday to move oxygen into the blood stream.  I often find myself thinking that right lungs are the hardest working organs in the body.  What you do is a thankless job.   You are one of the good, hardworking organs.  Many of the other “piker” organs like the liver, the pancreas and the embarrassingly lazy appendix spend their days lollygagging around and benefiting from all the sweat and toil you put in.  They reap the same benefits as you for one tenth of the work.  Now I ask you, is that fair?

What do you get for all your labor….nothing.  Bossed around all day by the Brain.  Sure, the Brain sits up there enjoying the good life while you pump oxygen 24 hours a day without a break.  Only like 10 percent of the Brain even does anything, Lung.  But it feels entitled to tell you what to do?  Who gives it the right?  The Brain thinks it knows everything, but let it spend ten minutes trying to convert angiotensin I to angiotensin II.  Puh-lease!

The Brain wastes all this time consulting with different useless departments like the cerebellum, the parietal lobe and the frontal lobe all the while using the precious oxygen that you generously provide it with.  Sipping coffee and making policy decisions while you pump away.  Enforcing its sadistic code of anatomical correctness.  They redistribute your oxygen to every organ regardless of how hard they work and you get nothing but the short end of the trachea.  What is your reward for all of your effort?  Nothing but lectures on how you should produce more oxygen just because the body is running or underwater.  You go underappreciated while the other organs bask in the rewards of your effort.

Right Lung, I want you to know that there is another way to live.  I’m not sure if you are aware of this but the body is essentially a communistic system.  All the organs benefit equally, no matter how important their contribution is.  What is your incentive to work harder than say, the Left Lung?

As we all know, human nature clearly shows us that we can only be happy if we are pitted against each other in bloodthirsty competition for control of all of the vital resources of the body.  Cooperation between the organs has left the lazy viscera sitting pretty while the diligent, enterprising ones do all the work. Instead of allowing this madness to continue, I propose we move towards an “every organ for itself” system.

If one lung produces oxygen really well, I say why punish it for being good at its job?  It should be allowed to keep as much of the oxygen as it makes.  This way all of the weaker organs will die off and the strong ones will be left to create a better body, without free-riding, parasitic entrails.  Let’s face it, you will not be free until the body stops coddling the slothful and the shiftless.

A truly free market anatomy promises each organ will be judged on its merit as an individual and not held back from producing and consuming anything it wants.  When the body stops forcing all of the organs to work together in some socialistic form of “harmony” and begins to compensate organs for what they contribute and no more, then, and only then will we be free.

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Gods and Ends



Arteriosclorities-The God of Deep Fried Foods



McKuenius-The God of Bad Poetry and Greeting Cards



Aggasius-The God Of Male Pattern Baldness


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Creature:   What’s the difference between an American and a gorilla?

The gorilla won’t tell you it’s proud to be a gorilla.

 Thanks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

Woman in the Audience:  YOU SUCK!!!!


Man in the Audience:  Get OFF THE STAGE, Idiot!


The American Public


Creature:  How do you get 200 million Americans to vote?

Turn on American Idol

Thanks!  Tip your servers!!!

Woman in the Audience:  YOU SUCK!!!

Audience:  BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!



Creature:  What’s the best part of voting in Florida?

Knowing it won’t count

Take My Wife, Please!

Man in the audience:  Come back when you’re funny!









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Even A Blind Watchmaker Can Find A Nut


Estragon:  What type of bag?

Vladimir:  It doesn’t matter.

Estragon:  Well, what type of watch is it?


Estragon:  Wait…What?


Estragon:  Is it a digital watch or a nice one?


Estragon:  Well, why are you smashing the watch?










Estragon:  Sure.


Estragon:  Uh-huh.

Vladimir:  Does it re-form into the same watch?

Estragon:  Well, of course not!

Vladimir:  SEE!!!!!

Estragon:  See what?  I’m not sure I follow.

Vladimir:  Evolution is impossible.

Estragon:  Wait…What?!?!?


Estragon:  I guess.


Estragon:  That is what you said.



Vladimir:  GOD!

Estragon:  Wait….WHAT?!?!?!


Estragon:  Wait…so God reassembled the watch?

Vladimir:  YES!

Estragon:  Why?





Vladimir:  Free will!


Vladimir:  Exactly!

Estragon:  That’s not a very efficient system.




Estragon:  A piece of ham


Estragon:  Ham….in a bag?


Estragon:  Uh-huh


Estragon:  Yes…I think.



Vladimir:  Evolution couldn’t have designed ham.

Estragon:  Wait…why not?

Vladimir:  Because it is perfect.

Estragon:  What is perfect?

Vladimir:  Ham!  Ham is perfect!

Estragon:  Compared to what?

Vladimir:  To a universe without ham.

Estragon:  How can you tell?



Vladimir:  To test us.

Estragon:  Why?

Vladimir:  To see how much we love him.


Vladimir:  Yes!



Estragon:  With a nice watch?


Estragon:  And if we smash things in bags?


Estragon:  Boils on our face?!?!?!


Estragon:  So these are the rules?

Vladimir:  Yes.



Estragon:  Will I get a watch?





Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub

Uncle Cronos












The Banality of Evil

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Is Your Cat Nearsighted???

Is Your Dentist Too Pricey?
‘Dancing’ Star Gets The Boot
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Carson Daly Hopes Viewers Find ‘The Voice’
Is Your Cat Nearsighted!

When Your Appliance Warranty Expires
Eight Red-Hot Small Cars
Money Lessons We Should Have Learned In Childhood
Is Your Cat Nearsighted!!!!!

Lindsey Lohan Opens Up About Time In Jail
Does Your Resume Make You Look Old

Search For Alien Life Hits A Snag



IS……..YOUR………….CAT………………… NEARSIGHTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The Price of Freedom Is 4 Dollars

“as freedom is a breakfastfood” –ee cummings












5 Reasons Men Should Go To The Doctor

You probably saw the article last week on Yahoo that “Men Often Don’t Go To The Doctor Because They Secretly Long To Die”.  The story was based on a survey that 90 percent of men would rather spend their time watching re-runs of “Two And A Half Men”, eating enormous plates of fried foods and harassing female bartenders than going to the doctor.  According to a study done by a guy I know from work, most American men have cholesterol rates over 2,300 and nearly 3,000 on weekends.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing, except for the fact that some doctors have recently linked high cholesterol with heart problems.

According to the American Academy of People With Stethoscopes and BMWs, 56 percent of men between the ages of 25 and 34 don’t even know what the word “doctor” means.  What gives?

Simple.  “Men are pretty freakin’ stupid,” says I.P. Knightly, a contributing editor to Urologist Weekly and writer of best-selling books “Urine Trouble” and “You Gotta Be Kid-ney”.  “Men avoid doctors, mostly because they are scardey cats and also because their co-pays are around 80 bucks a visit.  Therefore, many men at some point in their life will die, in some cases without warning.”

Here are 5 warning signs that should tell you to go to a doctor immediately:

Profuse bleeding

Many American men see bleeding as a sign of weakness.  They think it shows that they are too emotional.  They worry that women will not be attracted to them because they are hemorrhaging out of their face, neck and chest.  So, they try to pretend they aren’t bleeding.

The first major symptom of bleeding is blood loss.  This is often followed by a red substance staining their clothes.  Men often ignore these signs until it is too late and they have ruined the nice white carpet in their office.

“Bleeding is a really bad sign,” says Dr. Marvin Obvious, a noted PhD who has spent most of his career studying the history of adhesive tape.  “Exercise and diet can help, but major loss of blood can overcome these things and lead to, well, something bad.”

Growth of Additional Limbs

I know, I know, you find that additional arm a big help in your job at the local copy shop.  Maybe you’ve gotten some complements on those extra toes that appeared at the end of your chin.  But beware, these seemingly innocuous appendages could be a sign of a deeper problem.

9 out of 10 Americans who have grown extra legs may be morphing into giant human spiders said a survey in the Upper Alabama Journal of Medicine and Other Forms of Witchcraft.  Sure, they look cool, but at what cost!?

Stoppage of Breathing That Lasts More Than A Week

What do all dead people have in common?  If you guessed, “they are not breathing” you are exactly right.  If you haven’t drawn breath in more than a week there is a good chance that you may, in fact, be dead.  A visit to the doctor could help delay the onset of early rigor mortis and severe bad breath.  Please, do not drive to your doctor if you have this symptom.  You may be lucky and just be one of the legions of undead zombies that walk the earth, but why risk an accident?

Spontaneous Combustion

A silent killer ends the lives of nearly 1.8 million Americans every month. Four thousand humans accidentally burst into flame every ten seconds around the world.  This horrible affliction turns average, normal people into human blowtorches at a moments notice. It often goes unrecognized, but people all around us are exploding all the time.  If you notice profuse sweating, overwhelming thirst and flames shooting from your chest your body may be telling you something.Americans who have been diagnosed with pyrokinesis are especially susceptible to this ailment.

An Overwhelming Urge To Eat Someone You Know

Some cultures practice ritual cannibalism.  We, unfortunately, are not one of them.  Besides the risk of social embarrassment that acting on this fantasy could create, there is the issue of indigestion and potential consequences from improperly prepared human remains.  If you are looking greedily at a friend or family member thinking of eating them…DON’T.  It’s unhealthy, dangerous and just plain gross.

So, the moral of the story is see your doctor.  The American Doctors In Need Of Pensions Because They Invested In Tech Stocks Association recommend visiting your doctor at least 3 times a week.  American men who visit their doctors regularly, don’t smoke, avoid ingesting large amounts of heroin or arsenic and eat more than once a week are four times as likely to live into their 70s.  And as everyone knows, the most important thing is not being dead.

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Dumb Metal Rumors and The People Who Love Them



Paging Dr. Goregrind



Malevolent Obfuscation


The Parable of The Cave







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