Thursday, January 12, 2017

Single Mother

Each time I'm able to visit my sweet girl's spot myself, where I can decorate just so, pray, cry, or just sit, it's something I am incredibly grateful for. She is buried 4 hours from where I live, so I can't go as often as I'd like.

When I was there over Christmas and had a few moments by myself at her grave, a surge of sadness filled my heart as I felt so alone in missing her.

I thought about how Lily's daddy doesn't decorate her spot, and maybe doesn't even visit at all anymore. He used to leave her lilies for her birthday each year, but I didn't see any last year. My family doesn't show much interest in going to her spot, definitely not like I do.

With these thoughts, this sad sentence resounded in my head: "If I didn't care about decorating her spot and keeping it looking nice, nobody else would."

I know that I have family and a friend who thoughtfully and generously decorate for me when I mail them things, and even take photos for me to see when I can't always make it up there myself for the change of seasons or holidays.

But literally if I didn't or could't tend to her spot, or if I didn't take care of the details so others could on my behalf, it would go unnoticed and unattended.

I'm her mommy, so of course I care more than anybody. But what if I am gone from this world? Would she ever have flowers at her spot? Would anybody pull the weeds and clean her stone to make it shiny?

Mostly it hurts that I feel alone. And like her daddy doesn't care anymore. It seriously feels like I am a single mother. Only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.



  1. I'm so sorry. It's so hard. Where did you find that lamb on top of her stone? It's beautiful and I have been looking for one to put by my little boys resting place for years now....

    1. It is hard... I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy.

      The lamb is actually part of Lily's headstone. If you are needing to design a headstone, I can send you the name of the company I worked with. I'm not sure where you could find just a lamb though.

      Much love <3


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