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A Bit of Humor

Figures of speech . . . so go figure!







5. We never really grow up - we only learn how to act in public.






I answered, "a doctor."


a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.




15. Going to synagogue doesn't make you Jewish any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

What a car-ry on

An angel came up to three newly-arrived men and said, "You are all to be allocated a method for


transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old beat-up Fiat."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Shmuel, and said, "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."


A short time later, Dave and Shmuel pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he was, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever. Why so down?"



Heard about the Three Kick Rule?

A big city lawyer went duck - hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you
and take everything you own."







(I love this part)


Knowledge is Power

IRON CLAD CONTRACT - This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.

RIFF-RAFF - The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight, but they

COBWEB - The Old English word for "spider" was "cob".


night's sleep.

OVER A BARREL - In the days before CPR,a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN - Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large



HOT OFF THE PRESS - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press, friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press, it's hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

There, don't you feel smarter now?

Not so fizzical any more

Two old friends meet after many years and talk about their past lives .

One asks the other:

"So, how's your sex life? "

"Same as Coca-Cola ... "

"Oh great! ... Full of bubbles, then? "

"Nothing like that!

Before it was CLASSIC, then it became LIGHT and now it is ZERO .... !" 



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Friday, 17 September 2021

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