November 30, 2014

Four Months!

Every month with these girls just gets better and better than the last. They are smiling all the time, especially when they wake up or when Daddy gets home from work. We are sleeping mostly through the night, sometimes 8 hours straight, although that has changed since we hit the biggest milestone yet for both the girls and mom - we started nursing full time! Just after turning 3 months Juliette decided that maybe Viv was on to something and her milk might just be better fresh from the source and she now latches and feeds like a pro.  We are able to tandem feed with the My Breast Friend Twin nursing pillow that I scored at a second hand sale for just $20. Feedings go so fast now, with much less spit up and almost no screaming fits that happened after they sucked down a bottle too fast to feel full immediately. They take their time and decide when they're full and still feedings rarely take longer than 20 minutes. And I cannot say enough how nice it is to not have to pump all day (or wash bottles and pump parts all night)! We can officially "dreamfeed" which means everyone is sleeping more. I am so happy to have this accomplishment under our belts!

Our fourth month was also full of lots of other new experiences. The girls had their first Halloween and got to go trick or treating with cousin Jillian. They went to their first birthday party as Jillian turned 3 on November 10th. We had some shopping trips with Aunt Kate and Nova and our first solo outings to Target and Wal-Mart with Mom. Then we had our first Thanksgiving at Uncle Kevin's house and got to spend time with the whole family and meet tons of Papa T's extended family at their very first family reunion. It was a super busy and fun filled month and we can't wait to see what the next will bring!


November 20, 2014

FIAO 5.5 - Feeding The Twins - And We Have Latched!

It took 3 and 4 months but I have officially breastfed my babies. Vivienne decided randomly one night about a month ago to actually latch when I tried. It was incredible and terrifying all at the same time. I couldn't believe it when, instead of turning away and screaming, she opened her mouth and started suckling. After 2 months of trying I pretty much gave up. I just happened to catch her one night when she wasn't starving but just starting to get hungry. Juliette was not interested at all that night although I tried. Then yesterday afternoon she woke up about half an hour before it was time to eat so I decided to try. Lo and behold she latched like she'd been doing it all along. I couldn't believe it. Same thing this morning when she woke up. I just picked her up and she latched right on. It's truly an incredible feeling to feed my babies from my breast rather than a bottle for the first time at 4 months old.

So, with my newfound confidence in my nursing skills I decided this afternoon that instead of making bottles we were going to try to tandem feed. Viv woke up first and nursed for a minute before Jules woke up. I thought for sure Jules was going to fight it as she usually wakes up starving but nope she got right on. Then I spent nearly 10 minutes trying to get Viv back on. I was just about to give up and make her a bottle when all of a sudden I must have gotten her in just the right position because she settled down and started to eat. It was insane. Jules finished a few minutes later so we only tandem fed for a few minutes but what a moment it was. I can't believe we did it - while I was all by myself too!

I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. The downside is that I was in the process of slowly weaning and transitioning to formula full time. My supply is literally half of what it was just 3 weeks ago (really, why couldn't they have latched THEN?) Like I said before, I didn't want to be pumping with other children here when I decide to babysit. But nursing? I can do that and watch a couple other kids. Especially considering it takes significantly less time, I am not restricted to one spot for an hour and with a cover very little is exposed. CJ isn't sure how he feels about me changing up the game plan but he's so happy that we finally were able to do it. I think a little part of him is worried he will miss out on his bonding time with them if we stop using bottles. He gets home late and most nights it's one more bottle then bedtime and he only has Sundays with them. I told him not to worry, we can figure out a way to do both.

I am also reflecting on my journey from hating even the idea of breastfeeding 10 years ago to being over the moon that I fed my twins today. Such a special day for me, one that 4 months ago I was pretty sure would never happen. I will never forget that feeling I had when they were a week old and I was able to attempt nursing in the NICU. They screamed and scratched at me like I was trying to hurt them. The lactation consultant just kept shoving their heads into me (which I know works sometimes) and it was breaking my heart. They were half naked as we were doing skin to skin and I could feel them getting cold so I was worried about their temps dropping and they just could not get their mouths on. I think now that they were just not ready yet. And when I tried here at home I would often wait until they were really hungry - big mistake.  Once they get past a certain point they want instant gratification and trying to figure out a new nipple plus having to work harder for the milk was not going to cut it for them. Or maybe they just weren't ready until today. The bottom line is we did it.

It's funny that this article about EPing came out this past week. It had me all sorts of irate the other night. Gotta love these little tidbits: 

"There’s an assumption that bottle-feeding breast milk to a child is equivalent to breastfeeding, but that may not be the case."
What the actual F? So I've been doing all this hard work for four months thinking I'm giving my babies the best and you're STILL trying to tell me it's not good enough?! Awesome, 'cuz I didn't feel enough guilt when my eleventy billion attempts to nurse failed until today.

"Breastfeeding is about more than the milk. Babies don’t just breastfeed for nutrition; they nurse for comfort, closeness, soothing, and security."

Do you want to do it or do you want me to? I mean someone has to be the one to break the news to all the Dads, grandparents and caregivers (not to mention formula feeding moms) out there that while I'm sure they meant well they weren't actually soothing or comforting their little bundle of joy - not unless Mom was attached as well that is. What the hell? My girls are perfectly soothed with a snuggle and you bet your ass they feel close and secure to me, as well as my husband and family who haven't been able to breastfeed them either.

“The new challenge is to use language accurately, and tell mothers the truth that feeding their milk to their babies by bottle is less than equivalent to breastfeeding.”

Because that's what we want to hear.  Not only do you suck because you can't nurse your babies but you are practically poisoning them despite feeding them the EXACT SAME THING.

Despite my outrage something started to creep into my cold, confused, EPing brain.  Although I know I am doing the best for my babies, it is such a friggin' pain in the butt. And it's getting harder as they get older. But I want them to have my milk. So I will just keep trying, to the extent that my sanity can allow. What if one day they did latch and instead of getting up and making bottles at 5am I could just roll over and feed them? Because despite EPing being incredibly convenient and super easy (not!), I hear nursing is a little less time consuming. Plus, what if it really isn't as good and all of this is for nothing? (Just kidding, I know that's a crock of shit.) So, thanks to this lovely article, I decided to keep trying. And it worked. This time. Am I fully converted? No. Do I think it will be this easy forever? Nope. Am I glad to be able to say I've tandem nursed my twins? Of course. But it does not change the fact that no matter how my babies ate for the last four months it was ALWAYS the best thing FOR THEM because I WASN'T STARVING THEM.

Seriously people. It really is that simple. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how it gets done as long as you feed your babies you're doing just fine.

Thoughts? I'd love to share a pic but I'm still a little shy on these here interwebs so maybe next time. 'Til then, just remember: always feed your baby. No matter how you may have to do it! :-P


November 12, 2014

15 Weeks old and getting so big!

The girls are 15 weeks old/10 weeks adjusted today! It's been a big couple of weeks here. We survived our 2nd "leap" and are hitting milestones! I can't get over how fast it's going.

Tonight we had our first official sounds from both of them! It seems late for me but they haven't really tried to use their voices yet other than gurgles, grunts and more definite whimpers.  I present to you our first words: ah and uh. Clear as day, not a sigh, Viv said "AH!" I almost cried. Jules followed up later with beautiful "UH!" and it went on from there. What an amazing night! Just one of many memorable moments from the past few weeks.

In the past week or so they have been sleeping 6-10 hours a night, and last night they slept for almost 12. I don't want them going 13 hours without eating though (and me over 8 hours without pumping is no good) so they won't be doing that again. They woke up at 5 and we brought them to our room and just put their pacifiers in assuming they would wake up in an hour or so. They didn't start to stir again until almost 9! I was totally freaked out but they woke up hungry, ate well and napped well all day so I think they're fine but we will see if this becomes a pattern. I am betting on them hitting the four month sleep regression with a vengeance so we're working hard on our version of sleep coaching by having plenty of active time during the day playing, helping them learn to self soothe, putting them down drowsy but awake and setting clear routines. We don't have an established "bedtime" yet because I still follow their lead on when they want to eat. If they're hungry after "bedtime" we feed them no matter when it is.

3 Days Old - First time together!

They're eating 25 oz. a day, a mix of 1/2 bm and 1/2 Nutramigen, 5 oz. every 3 hours from about 9am to 9pm. I can't believe they are on their NICU schedule still The big difference is they're much more active in between bottles finally! However there's a drawback to this. I am still EPing but I'm starting to wean so that I can spend more time playing with them. I'm tired of having to pump while they're sleeping as I can't get anything else done but they're too alert and active during and after bottles that it's getting too hard to do both. I also don't want to be pumping at all with other people's kids here so I hope to be weaned by the end of December. By then I will have enough frozen to get us through the winter with them receiving 5-10 oz. each of BM.

15 weeks old -  Just waking up for the day!

It's a funny thing. I know in my mind to trust my babies and myself and I believe I would know if something were ever wrong. But I still second guess everything. I double check everything. I go over my baby connect app a hundred times a day making sure they're doing things "right." And every time I have to stop and remind myself that we're fine. They're growing. They're happy. They're fantastic. And we're doing just fine too.

We don't go back to the Dr until December so I have to figure out a way to get them weighed. I know they're growing as we're almost out of their first prefold cloth diapers and their clothes are getting tight. We looked at pictures from 15 weeks ago and cannot believe how much they've changed!

Viv is a little freaked out.
Jules is perplexed

We also had our first selfies this week! I can't believe I never thought to turn the camera on them before Not too surprising since I am not at all a selfie taker. I have lazy eye issues. They made the funniest faces looking at themselves although we still haven't mastered smiling at the camera yet!

We had our first dinner at the table with Mom and Dad although of course they just observed. We love having them out there while we cook and they seem to really enjoy it!

 I will leave you with this gem from Sunday when we celebrated cousin Jillian's 3rd birthday. They did great and it was a great time, as Vivienne is clearly showing us with her look!

Four months here we come!


November 8, 2014

FIAO 9.4 - The Great Debate - Crib Bumpers!

We are stuck. We officially have moving babies and are now wrestling with the idea of crib bumpers. I swore them off years ago during a child care course when they talked about the dangers of suffocation caused by baby getting stuck next to the bumper. I didn't even consider using them for our girls at all until a few weeks ago. Then, our perfect little still babies started moving around in their sleep. I will never forget that first night when I woke up to a pained scream coming from the monitor. I rushed in to find Jules with her head butted up against the crib slats, neck twisted at an awkward angle and tears running down her cheeks. She was clearly in pain and it broke my heart. Viv started doing it a few days alter. We have tried positioning them in all different ways, wrapping their blanket higher and lower, using bumpers inside the blanket, etc. but nothing works. Now we're afraid to even use a blanket even though it's always "swaddled" around their waist. I've read about babies breaking their arms or legs after they get stuck in the slats and now my fear has doubled. I would love to keep them bumpered in but even with blankets under the sheet they just roll over them now. And so we are at a loss. Do we risk suffocation for sleep? Both ours and theirs?

The Mommy wars battle lines are heavily drawn on this topic, almost as much as car seat safety or breastfeeding. Some people think you're insane if you use them, due to the risk of suffocation, no matter what the situation. Other people, like us, understand the need for sleep and the idea that a child who would otherwise be sleeping through the night is being woken up by something that can be avoided is incredibly frustrating. They hate it, we hate it and they are some miserable nights when they're particularly restless and both seem to end up squished against the crib over and over. I know a lot of women would tell us to just get over it, that they will learn how to move themselves away from the crib in time and that it's not worth the risk. Some people would say that the risk of suffocation is less than the risk of a broken arm or leg or that it's the top of their heads getting caught so they wouldn't even suffocate anyways.

We really don't know what to do about this. I've looked into mesh bumpers but they don't really solve our problem, although they're a great choice for babies whose limbs get stuck. I'm going to talk to the pediatrician and some family and see what they think. I feel like if we can get an all around consensus either way we will feel better about it. What's funny is no baby I've ever known has had this head-banging problem. My sister says my niece never did it, my mom says we never did, etc. So now I feel like my kids are just weirdos and I don't know whether buying bumpers will protect them or harm them.


I just have to say.

Who would have ever thought that this would be what goes through my mind on a Saturday night at 11:30?

And with that, I sign off. To go to bed. Ugh. I'm old.


November 1, 2014

First Halloween!

While I was pregnant I spent all sorts of time googling ideas for the girls' first Halloween costumes. There are seriously so many cute twin costumes out there. But then we realized that although they would be 3 months old, we live in upstate NY where it is usually pretty chilly on Halloween. Also, we weren't sure if we would even be doing anything so I didn't think I should waste money on costumes or supplies to make some. Then about a week before Halloween my Dad invited us up to his apartment complex where my niece trick or treats. The office there throws a Halloween get together and the weather wasn't looking too cold. Of course. And now it was too late for me to get anything or make something. Then I remembered my Aunt had bought the girls these adorable duck jackets. I remember thinking they would be great costumes when we got them. I put them in white onesies and their orangey pink leggings and booties added some yellow hats and mittens and voila, instant little ducklings. We headed up to my dad's for pictures and trick or treating with my parents, my sister and her boyfriend and my niece Jillian who was the most adorable Grateful Dead Dancing Bear this year.

The girls did great, letting my parents feed them while I ate dinner and they sat in the stroller all bundled up while we walked and Jillian trick or treated. It was more symbolic than anything obviously but we got some adorable pictures!

Can't wait until next year when our little ones will be able to walk and talk and participate in the fun!

And no, we were not those parents who walk around getting candy for their infants. I eat enough with pumping all day, I don't need all that in my house!

So I hope you enjoy the pics of my girls and that you had a very Happy Halloween!