DWIL Nation

MIL back with toxic ex husband...

Kind of long...

So some quick background...MIL just got off a TO become of some boundary stomping. She has been good for the past few months and hasn't been an issue, until a few weeks ago.

MIL has the habit of picking the wrong man to have in her life. She has been divorced 3 times...and about two weeks ago she called DH telling him she had been spending time with one of her ex husbands again. DH had been working 14 hour shifts 6 days a week for the entire month and didn't have much energy to argue over the phone with her at that time. Plus MIL led him to believe her ex would be out of state for several months and so DH thought the best course of action would be to discuss with me whete we stand on the matter of if she gets back with him, along with planning out a time he would discuss what our boundaries are as a family concerning the matter.

Some background on this particular ex is: he has anger issues and was verbally and physically abusive to MIL. He was verbally abusive to all her kids (except for DH), he has been addicted to drugs (by drugs I mean heroine, coke, and pills...possibly abused alcohol as well in his younger years). None of this was ever made known to DH or myself until around the time they were getting a divorce.

My personal issue was before we knew any of this I was at MIL's house about a month after DH and I got married. She asked if I could be there to walk the kids home from the bus stop after school because her husband was golfing that afternoon (he had no job and so she was working a lot and couldn't afford a sitter). I agreed and met with the kids, walked home, and had them start their homework. Well something happened and her husband came home upset about losing some bets at golf (might as well throw gambling addiction to the list). My BIL who was around 12 at the time told him he shouldn't be gambling away his moms money any and he should be out finding a job...

Obviously the guy didn't like that and he also didn't realize I was in the home (I was in SIL's room helping her with some project..she was 9 at the time). There was some massive arguing and I heard the front door slam. I came out and BIL was running to me saying he was going to be hurt. So I had both kids go in their room not 100% sure of the situation at the time, and I called my DH to leave work while SIL called her mom. DH told me not to call the police at the time because neither of us knew about this guy or his temper.

He came back inside and charged for BIL's room, and I blocked his path seeing he had a bat in his hands. I told him he needed to back off and BIL had already reached for a lamp and was behind me and I tried keeping everyone calm said they needed to discuss this and just wait for MIL and my DH to get home and calm down. He told me to, "shut your mouth and mind your own business little girl" made a motion like he would strike me (I stood my ground, didn't flinch) told him, "I dare you". He knew if he tried anything I would get him thrown in jail and he ended up leaving.

Not long after BIL moved out and in with his dad because MIL refused to fix the situation. After BIL left she ended up divorcing the guy (and we found out he was doing coke not long after).

Anyway MIL put herself in a 12 step program for always falling into bad relationships after her third divorce. And she has gone almost two years without being in a relationship. However, my SIL (I have 2 SIL and the one I am now referring to is the older one who is turning 30 this year and will be known as SIL1 from here on) she had a baby a few weeks before I had my DS and of course she has no means to care for a baby. MIL is working while trying to support herself, SIL1, her 9 month old grandson, and SIL2 (who had a job but recently got hours cut so she is looking for another job). SIL1 was irresponsible and quit both her jobs about 4 months before her baby was born, didn't renew the tag on her car so it got red tagged and taken away...and doesn't collect child support from her boyfriend (who is jobless too...and lives 3 hours away) it all falls to MIL who is now looking for some sort of support.

So I understand MIL's behavior and I don't condone it by any means. She tried boundary stomping early on after my DS was born because she felt "entitled" to certain things that I just wasn't okay with. She got a 4 month TO and was let off in late May. She has since not stomped any boundaries.

So last week DH got a call from BIL who told him MIL stopped by to ask how he felt about her getting back with ex. BIL said he will not ever be in the same building as him.

Today MIL announced she and ex are back together and in love. I told DH I don't want my DS around him and I will not be around him and he will not be welcome in my home. As far as I am concerned he is dead to me.

DH agrees and has said he wants to talk with MIL just him and herself. He wants to tell her that if she chooses to be with that pathetic excuse for a man that we will not be around if he is.

MIL can be dramatic and has narcissistic behaviors. My question is what other boundaries do we need to put in place regarding this situation? I have explained to DH that we may be in a potential TO situation again and he is very understanding to that and prepared to do what is necessary. However we just want to make sure we get everything out on the table.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Are we possibly looking at a TO unless MIL splits from this man? My DH wants to be prepared for when he talks to her and I don't want to leave anything to chance. I told him there are no what if situations (Like what if he apologizes, or what if he can prove he is better). I do believe people can change, however that man will have to suffer the consequences to his actions. I view it the same way I view if you touch a hot stove you get burned...He got burned and he may be sorry for it now but it doesn't make the scar go away.

I also told him we will not accept any gifts from them. So to inform her anything given will simply be returned to them.

I told him if she continues to ask why DS can't be around him and I just not be there the answer is he is a dangerous person based on his history, and our son is not to be around people we see as dangerous.

Am I missing anything? I have told DH any attempt for her to break any rules will result in a TO (depending on the offense the time frame will be 4 months or longer).

Sorry this is so long. A quick recap: MIL is with a toxic ex. We do not want him around our family. She is still welcome as long as she follows our rules and does not bring the toxic ex around myself or DS (and remains respectful of me and my decision to have that man CO from our lives). Hubby is meeting with MIL to lay out the ground rules. What should we bring to the table? At what point do we need to be prepared for a possible long term TO for MIL? (CO might be necessary but we would prefer to try and work this out if possible, mostly because CO MIL would result in a lot of casualties of war so to speak).

Any suggestions? DH will be handling the bulk of this. Anything you can think of I may need to prepare him for? He is 100% on my side on this matter. We just need to be prepared for the long haul on this one...all help is appreciated.

comments (6)

  • I would TO immediately while she's with her ex and until she breaks up and gets back on track with her counseling or whatever recovery she was doing (if it seemed to help anyway). She is not going to respect your boundaries, and she is unfit herself for getting back together with someone who abused her kids so badly (much less herself). Baseball bat on a 12yo??? How has this asshole not killed someone yet?

    My MIL is married to an abusive idiot not anywhere near as bad as your MIL's ex. We finally told her he was CO from us and gave boundaries about not having him around, mentioning him, etc. She has tried every which way to wiggle around that. I keep shutting it down and we are down to maybe one restaurant visit every few months (which she just lost actually to no one's surprise). We tried to keep her around so she had a support network, but she is just too dedicated to this life to be safe for us and our kids. Since your MIL's ex is like a thousand times worse, you have no room to fuck around. (And I wish we hadn't fucked around to begin with, but lesson learned.)

  • She's going to advocate for him. MIL wants to buy his fantasy and she'll be looking for you to buy it too.

    The guy threatened her child with a bat, and it likely wasn't the first incident of abuse. She's not a safe person. Don't teach your child she is.
  • Grimhelda said:

    I would TO immediately while she's with her ex and until she breaks…

    Yea I was under the impression that may end up being our only real solution. The main reason I didn't jump straight to that is because she didn't really get overly pushy when BIL basically told her he wouldn't be around the guy. However, BIL has always been her "favorite" so I could see her respecting his rules more so than ours, especially since we already had an issue with her not too long after DS was born.

    I appreciate the perspective from someone who has gone through and I will let my husband know that we may need to let her know where we stand on this and see how she reacts. If we are met with her being overly pushy on the topic we will just do an extended TO until (or if) she gets her life back together. Her 12 step program was helping and she really was improving, so I think it was the extra financial stress causing her to cave. I may have DH bring that up to her to see if he can at least get her thinking.

    If she agrees to terms, then I may observe her behavior and do a one strike and you're out sort of deal...DH doesn't want to jump straight to a TO because he wants to try and reach her, but even he has said if this keeps on he is just going to give her a TO himself until she gets her act together.

    DH is very loyal and a giver. Two great qualities but sometimes they interfere with his better judgment.
  • Sorry MIL, we don't let toxic and abusive people around our children, we won't be seeing you anymore.
  • Your MIL has relapsed; she's back on her 'drug'. Your duh has to be loyal and giving to your family by ensuring your safety. She's not worth the risk. His mother is back with a partner who she knows is physically and emotionally volatile. She's chosen this guy to sleep with every night and make a life with despite his abusive actions to her 'favorite' child. She has no loyalty to your or your child's safety. She's not a rational mother.

    Who the hell, gets back together with a person who was going to take a baseball bat to their child. There's a line that 'sorry' and broken trust that can never be undone. Your MIL is willing to believe BS to get her dick fix, while jeopardizing her family.

    He hasn't turned into a loving, caring, empathetic person. He's feeding her adoration to secure her for his control and she wants it. She can't handle having healthy relationships because she's not emotionally healthy either.
  • You also need to not put all your focus on the Ex. Even if the day comes that the ex is gone, your MIL will still be the type of person who welcomed unsafe people into the family repeatedly. She will still be a dangerous person with horrible judgement and priorities.

    Right now she is chosing the Ex, and testing the waters to see how much family she may lose. She bounced the possibility off your DH and he didn't freak out, so she bounced the reality off BIL (who she's proven she doesn't really mind losing).

    Your DH probably has a unicorn that his mom values him (or at least his LO) enough that she will say "OH YOU'RE RIGHT. I won't get back together with Ex. I love you too much. What was I thinking??!" You know, the thing she NEVER did before and probably won't do now. Hopefully he gets his unicorn kicked in the face. Possibly the worst case scenario is that she discovers she is losing "too many" people and decides she can do without Ex. Your DH may be pleased, but rationally who would be pleased that there was an "acceptable level" of family casualty?

End of comments