13 ways to seriously piss off a humanities student

If you really have to troll your BA (Hons) friends, here are the classic ways to get a rise out of them.

13) Write "English dispenser" on all available bog roll holders

Going toilet is undignified enough. No need to mock our degrees whilst we're doing it.

12) When they do well in an essay, pin it up on the fridge like a shit children's drawing

If they get annoyed, keep telling them how they did "really well" and burst into occasional, patronising applause.

11) Whenever you have to ask if they're "working", use air-quotes.

And ask them why they didn't take a "real degree".

10) Any time they tell you about a "study they read about", sit them down and explain why you can't trust any statistics

Conclude by saying, "so you see, you know nothing."

9) Tell them reading week is just a doss

Tell them their degree is just a doss.

8) Keep on mentioning "McDonalds are hiring graduates now" like it's something they should be taking note of

"Not interested? I'll send you the job spec just in case."

7) Tell them "do you know, 9 out of ten homeless heroin addicts are humanity graduates" like that's a fact

When they ask you to back this up, tell them "prove me wrong" like you're just trying to motivate them. Nod knowingly.

6) Insist that a 2:1 in humanities is "basically a certificate of attendance"

"Well done for showing up, Johnny! Now just write your name in the box and you're a graduate."

5) Tell English students the Muppet's Christmas Carol is the definitive version of A Christmas Carol

"My favourite Dicken's character is Rizzo the Rat. God that guy's funny. Probably the most three dimensional character in all of Dicken's works, except for Sherlock Holmes."

4) Say to someone doing an essay: "You know, if you started early like I do you wouldn't be in this mess?"

If they don't answer, repeat the question.

3) Tell an English student "Shakespeare's overrated. Have you read any E.L. James? Now there's a writer."

"Never blew my load in any Shakespeare novels."

2) Tell a film student "I watched Freddie Got Fingered twice, where's my degree?"

"It's the Citizen Kane of films that I've watched. Probably the best film existence where the main guy gets fingered in the title. There you go, there's my opinion now give me a degree."

1) Show them a graph you made of why you're better than them, using maths

If they question your graph, tell them they "just don't understand the statistics".

Looking for ways to annoy folk? Check out 12 ways to really annoy a northerner down south...