Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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"The Todd is"

I'm finally writing. I've been sitting here for a while, wasting my time spacin', checking my e-mail, and updating my preferences and selections or whatever on Amazon. Anything to keep me from writing. It's the same shit all the time. Work was a bit slow, which isn't a good thing. I sit there alone at times, the words of Shakespeare, Steinbeck, Shelley, Orwell, Fitzgerald, Twain, Miller, Dickens, my only companions. Needless to say, I've got a lot of time on my hands, even when I'm doing something it's usually pretty simple. Unfortunately that gives me mind space and time to wander. As I've established many times before, that's not a good thing.

Google's got this module, it's the Buddhist meditation of the day, or something like that. I've got it on my home page and one of the more recent ones was all about the moment. How life is one long moment.  The present.  There is nothing else.  The past is gone, and it's always gone, so it doesn't exist.  The future hasn't arrived yet, it too doesn't exist.  There are plenty of quotes and thoughts pertaining to this.  I can't remember who said it, but there's a great quote about how the past and future are only illusions, how right now is the only thing that truly exists.  On a lot of levels it makes sense.  Hell, scientifically it make sense, right?  I mean the past is the past, these words I'm writing now, they're in the past.  Okay, I'm probably losing you, losing myself.  This is the kind of shit I think about all day.  The stuff that plagues me on a daily basis.  My problem is, that try as I might or is it try as I may?  Whatever, as much as I try, I cannot live in the moment.  I just can't.  It's very sad, but I don't think I am capable of enjoying the moment.  To me, that is the illusion.  That you can actually just worry about the here and now.  That you can chalk up everything before this moment as inconsequential.  As nothingness.  It's bullshit.  You've got to prepare for the future, you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.  My past haunts me and my future scares me.  I'm constantly worrying.  The moment is lost.  It's non-existant, it passes by so quickly that I never catch it.

The best I can hope for, at the moment, is to be distracted.  I fill my moments with work, with play, with anything that will keep me from dwelling in it.  The moment frightens me.  I know I'll only waste it, probably lamenting or worrying about how not to waste it.  I'll try to enjoy it, and it'll be gone.  Just like that.  Life's too fuckin' short.  I wish everyone would realize that.  I think we all spend too much time on things that just aren't that important.  I know I do.  This isn't what God intended for us.  God or whoever, if there is a whoever.  Don't get me started.  Among the many words surrounding me on a daily basis are those of Wiesel.  I don't remember reading Night in High School, but I've been reading it on and off at work, if ever there was a case for the absence of a higher being...but I digress.  I guess at some point I'll learn to enjoy it.  Until then, I'm just going to keep moving.  An object in motion tends to stay in motion.  Or something like that.  Kind of like this journal, I'm going to keep writing in it, eventually I'll write something worth reading, heh.

Still though, I can't help but have hope.  Like the Architect says, it is simultaneously the source of our greatest strength, and our greatest weakness.

I'll still take it, sometimes it's all I've got.

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