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Letter to D: A Love Story

You're 82 years old. You've shrunk six centimetres, you only weigh 45 kilos yet you're still beautiful, graceful and desirable. We've lived together now for 58 years and I love you more than ever. I once more feel a gnawing emptiness in the hollow of my chest that is only filled when your body is pressed next to mine. I just need to tell you these simple things again before I deal with the issues that have been eating away at me for some time now. Why is there so little of you in what I've written when our union has been the most important thing in my life? Why did I give such a false image of you in The Traitor, an image that disfigures you? That book was supposed to show how my commitment to you was the decisive turning point that gave me the will to live. So why doesn't 'the wonderful love affair we'd begun seven years earlier really come into it? Why don't I say what fascinated me about you? Why did I present you as this pitiful creature 'who didn't know a soul, didn't speak a word of French, would' have destroyed herself without me', when you had your circle of friends, were in a Lausanne theatre company and were eagerly awaited back in England by a man determined to marry you? I didn't really achieve the profound self-analysis I'd intended in writing The Traitor. I still need to understand, to clarify so many questions . I need to piece together the story of our love to appreciate its full meaning. It's what has allowed us to become who we are, living through each other and for each other. I'm writing to you now to understand what my life has been, what our life together has meant.