Am i being fair by just having one child?

(19 Posts)
LittleSugaPlum Mon 16-Jul-12 18:43:22

im 27 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband has two children from a previous relationship.

As a child, i hated having a sister, she bullied me, put me down all the time, and i always wished i was an only child. My sister is still the same with me now even though shes 28years old.

And also having more than one child is hard work!

I ve been quite set on this being my first and only pregnancy, its been a complicated, painful pregnancy and im told that if i was to have another child, i would endure the same problems again - however i dont know how i would cope with a child and a painful pregnancy!

Also i feel that maybe if i have another child i wont be able to give both children the full attention they need than if there was just one of them, E.g with their homework, teaching them etc.

People have mentioned that its not fair to just have one - the child will be "on their own"

Is it fair to just have the one child? If you have more than one, is it possible to give them both the full attention they need?

PlumpDogPillionaire Mon 16-Jul-12 18:46:33

Whether or not your child has siblings, it's unlikely that everything in her or his life will be entirely 'fair'...

BonkeyMollocks Mon 16-Jul-12 18:47:02

Of course it is smile

Its not fair to have another child because you feel like you should not because its wanted .

I have a only. I love it.

Yes I have my moments, but overall its much better for all of us like this. I really don't think that I could cope with more than one. Money, space etc would be tight and would add to the stress.

PlumpDogPillionaire Mon 16-Jul-12 18:47:46

And the amount of attention that DCs get - as well as the qulaity of that attention - depends on many more - and more important - and less predicatable - factors than how many siblings thay have.

kilmuir Mon 16-Jul-12 18:48:34

I would never plan to have only one child.

CMOTDibbler Mon 16-Jul-12 18:54:04

The only time my DH has gone ballistic to his family is when MIL said it wasn't fair to ds to be an only. 'Fairness' has nothing at all to do with number of siblings, and neither does a childs happiness.
I have one very happy only fwiw

LittleSugaPlum Mon 16-Jul-12 19:05:49

Is it easier to have one - or is it easier to have two as they play with each other?

goinggoinggoth Mon 16-Jul-12 19:06:11

Don't have a child just to be friends with your eldest, they may not get on.
I'm an only and looking at some families I am very grateful for that. DD is an only (planned) and to be honest I just don't have the energy for a second. We have much more quality time than if I were trying to balance two.

dreadingseptember Mon 16-Jul-12 19:07:49

Wait and see how you feel after this ones born. They won't be an only as they'll have two step-siblings but an only for you.

I couldn't have stopped at one but defintely done at two.

PlumpDogPillionaire Mon 16-Jul-12 19:10:52

Was just about to say similar to dreading.
You can't 'plan' in this way, Plum - there are far too many variables, life's much too unpredictable, there are plusses and minuses to any situation, and there's really no answer to what's 'easier' or 'fairer'. Perhaps it's more productive to focus on the positives of what life throws at you and how to make that work in the moment. smile

BonkeyMollocks Mon 16-Jul-12 19:12:55


Either way is not easy!

PlumpDogPillionaire Mon 16-Jul-12 19:16:32

Exactly, Moll! grin

skyebluesapphire Sat 21-Jul-12 19:45:54

I was really dick for the first 20 weeks then got severe SPD and could barely walk. I had a bad induced drip led increased pain back to back labour after my epidural stopped working, it was agonising.

My consultant advised that SPD would come back earlier and worse in next pregnancy so I made a decision not to have any more as could not bear to go through it all again..

I try and make sure that DD is happy and sociable and not lonely.

skyebluesapphire Sat 21-Jul-12 19:46:55

Really sick.......

As others have said, don't make plans now. But when you do decide, don't decide based on other people's idea of 'fair' ... it really is nonsense. The only person who's ever said to me that DD being an only isn't fair was my mum, when DD was tiny. Why? Um, because she won't have a brother or sister. Not mum's finest moment. She's an only herself, so doesn't really know what DD is missing out on - I do, but I don't really know what DD's life is actually like, for her ... which goes to show, everyone's life is unique, you can't make judgements bases on your life with a sibling, or someone else's without.

Chubfuddler Mon 23-Jul-12 09:16:32

Your child already has two siblings with whom she/he may or may not get on. It's a difficult question - people like me who had fabulous sibling relationships (which ate even better now we are adults) will tell you you're mad to plan an only and people who hate their siblings will tell you to do it. I would t make any definite decision either way yet.

Trills Mon 23-Jul-12 09:17:54

Wait and see how you feel.

You haven't had this child yet.

If you and your DH later on want another child, have another.

If you don't want another child, don't have one just because you feel you should.

DowagersHump Mon 23-Jul-12 09:26:32

They are half siblings surely, not step ones?

NoComet Mon 23-Jul-12 11:42:57

If your DP is paying to support older DCs and they come to visit regularly stopping at one may be a very practical move.

My DF and her DH had two boys and he had two DDs who were not that much older.

They were a lovely couple who both worked hard in not brilliantly paid jobs. She always said the one problem was affording a car and a house that had room for all six of them at weekends. She never mentioned maintenance but I'd guess there was that too.

In the end they couldn't find a nice big house to rent round here and have moved somewhere cheaper and I miss her.

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