Wrestling Wrap Up: 09/21 - 09/27

Paul Bearer returns! Plus, RVD = Wile E. Coyote, CM Punk on NXT, and Edge totally kicks a Macbook Pro's ass!

So, in case you missed it last night on RAW, Edge stood in the middle of the ring and had a big ol' blowout with Cookiepuss.

Yeah, it was dumb. But the thing that made it even more intolerable was the fact that Edge had to keep calling out how dumb the segment really was. "You mean we've gone from Stone Cold stunning Mr. McMahon on RAW to Edge arguing with a computer?" Yes, it appears we have. And directly mentioning it doesn't make it any better. Or excuse it.

Edge, you're attacking the wrong thing. Cole's sitting right over there!

And neither does actually having that stupid laptop in the ring. Edge kept saying that he was arguing with a computer, and on several occasions he even pointed out how asinine that was. But he wasn't talking to a computer. He was talking to the phantom GM. With a voice changer. No noise was coming out of that thing. That wasn't a text-to-speech program. That was a dude with one of those Halloween shop voice boxes set on "Alien." (They come with "Monster" and "Robot" too. Look, I've robbed a few banks in my day.) "Why do you have to hate, yo?" asked the persecuted cyber-boss. Which makes me worry more and more that they're still going to give the role to Abraham Washington.

So Edge flipped out at the futility of talking to a computer, even when he wasn't talking to a computer, and then destroyed the computer. Totally busting himself open in the process after he bashed the thing into his face over and over. Oh, well. At least they figured out a way to get cheers for the cyber-GM. Edge would have wound up the hero of the freakin' universe if he had been having the same argument with Michael Cole.

My only hope is that Sheamus joins Edge in his hate for Cookiepuss so that Puss can bring in his Irish cousin, Cookie O'Puss, and we can see some amazing tag team ice cream cake action!

Anyways, what are you all doing sitting around reading my frivolous Wrap Up? Don't you know that John Cena's movie, Legendary, is exclusively available at Wal-Mart today? That's right; the tender, heartfelt drama about depression, survival guilt and high school wrestling has got its own shelf in every single location of our country's most nefarious and deplorable retail corporation. The greediest, most ethically-comprised discount mart in the land has a fresh new copy of Legendary waiting for you, so go and nab it. If you can get past the corporate embezzlement, human rights violations, environmental abuse, employee neglect and an overall atmosphere that's so diabolical it would make Lex Luthor cringe and the Red Skull cry, then you can own your own copy of the movie Adam Markovitz of Entertainment Weekly called a "dud that'll put you out faster than a sleeper hold" and IGN's Matt Fowler called "Lame as balls!"

Sorry. I swear one day I'll rename this column "That Hippie Who Watches Grown Men in Their Panties."

NXT continued to be a televisual abortion. On purpose. CM Punk replaced the self-exiled Cole at the announcer's table and continued the tradition of saying really earnest and honest things about the in-ring product without a hint of sarcasm. See, what I did there? I used sarcasm to describe how much Punk and Matthews were not being sarcastic. "This is the greatest television show on Earth," Punk said with the exact opposite notion in mind. Even Matthews couldn't pretend like the musical chairs segment wasn't anything other than a personal affront to everyone involved. Especially the ending. "You know that the competitions are so important and this was such a controversial call," Matthews said of the decision to give the chairs win to AJ instead of Naomi, barely keeping a straight face. It was all these two could do to keep from just throwing up all over their desk. They were like a page from John Doe's journal; unable to contain their absolute contempt for humanity and faced with no other choice but to blow chunks all over everyone.

More from the hypnotizing train wreck that is NXT, plus TNA Impact, on page 2…

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