How Dare Michelle Obama Care About Healthy Eating

It’s always been a little disturbing to me how a lot of conservatives seem to hate President Obama’s entire family sort of like a 5-year-old He-Man fan hates Skeletor. I don’t like him, therefore everything he does is bad and so I am OPPOSITE HIM because I AM GOOD. That sort of thing. And so while it’s a little disappointing that the First Lady’s seemingly totally innocuous Miss America-neutral campaign against childhood obesity has been the subject of ridicule by conservatives, it’s not surprising.

The latest brave stand in favor of childhood obesity comes from The Blaze, which ridiculed 2010’s Healthy Hunger Free Kids Act by claiming that the law, which Mrs. Obama advocated as part of her “Let’s Move!” campaign, imposes limits on kids which could RUIN HALLOWEEN.

The new law imposes a 650 calorie limit on trick-or-treating aged children, Kindergarten to 5th grade, per meal. With that in mind, here are the approximate calorie counts (and subsequent snack combinations) your child should be eating tonight.

What follows is a rundown of what sort of dire candy rations the law “allows,” each of which is like 4 fun sized candy bars since candy bars have a fuckton of calories. Can you believe this lady?! What sort of freedom-hating wench would recommend that children don’t eat entire bags of candy at once? A King sized Butterfinger bar and one fun sized Almond Joy? THIS IS A HALLOWEEN OUTRAGE!

Okay, first of all, no one is going from house to house making sure your kid isn’t eating too much candy. You are free to have the fattest kid your elephant heart desires, GOP. And the implication that there’s now a LEGAL LIMIT ON FUN THANKS TO MICHELLE OBAMA is misleading and absurd. Eating candy while realizing it’s not an all-the-time food is slightly less fun than thinking that calories take a vacation on widely-celebrated holidays, but being mindful of nutrition and not eating 2,000 calories worth of corn syrup in one sitting is probably a wise move. And there’s no harm in suggesting limiting junk food.

But I guess someone has to bravely stand up for childhood obesity.

—Erin Ryan