Dr Gerry Mander: the therapist the stars trust

You Brits are so touchy. So I run a bank and make a lot of money
    • The Observer,
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Dear Dr Mander

You British people are so touchy. I've been working here for a few years and I've noticed it about you guys. Something to do with that famous "reserve". You're a bit prickly. So I run a bank and make a lot of money. In the US we're way more relaxed about people being super rich. That's the American dream. You're in it to win it. But here it's all envy and bitterness. I accept that some of my Barclays guys got a bit carried away with some trades. They asked a few favours on some interest rate stuff that was kind of bending the rules. Stuff happens. I'm not condoning it. But they're kids. They were horsing around, making a few bucks. Jeez. Whaddya want – socialism? But I've got, like, the whole of British establishment up my ass now. I said I'd give up my bonus didn't I? I mean, that's what you people care about so much. Bonuses, bonuses, bonuses. But it's not good enough for you. It's all: Resign! Criminal investigation! I need to get a handle on this stuff. It's killing my share price.

Bob Diamond

Dear Bob

The ideal course of action for a man in your position would be penitence. It needn't be sincere but it has to be convincing. But since you are incapable of even fake contrition, you need extraordinary public relations manoeuvres. Your personal brand is not helped by being named after a luxury item. Consider repositioning yourself as a different arrangement of carbon atoms. Bob Graphite, for example, has an earthier ring. You then need to address the media question. There are rumours that Rupert Murdoch is thinking of pulling out of the UK, which would mean selling his newspaper stakes. You might avoid having your reputation trashed by the Sun if you became its next proprietor. Conveniently, you have just the right mix of ethical rigour and professional integrity to run a British tabloid.

Dear Dr Mander

I spent weeks working on my budget and it's in ruins. All those initiatives I painstakingly arranged to make me look clever – they've all gone. I blame the civil servants. Treasury weasels, selling me all the duff policies that they couldn't get past Gordon Brown. I bet they're all closet Labour voters, watching me with their cold, dead eyes – "Here's a way to cut the deficit, minister"; "VAT on hot takeaway food is an anomaly long overdue for reform, minister"; "We can't possibly postpone the rise in fuel duty, minister". Lying bastards. Now I look like an idiot. U-turn after U-turn, I hardly know which way I'm facing. And every swivel-eyed, foam-flecked rightwing Tory MP thinks he can push me around. They used to think I was the Master. How do I spin my way out of this shambles?

George Osborne

Dear George

You have to make a virtue of the fact that half of your budget has changed. You could pretend that you have, in fact, innovated a new responsive, open kind of budget that accommodates voter preferences in real time. You need to pitch it as more modern and more in keeping with the digital culture of the 21st century. You should start briefing it as the crowd-sourced, Wiki-budget. As for your image, as long as you stay firm on cutting the top rate of tax your status as a fat cats' shill will be safe.

Dear Dr Mander

I worked really hard on London's Olympics bid and now I'm not invited to play at the Games. It's not fair.

David Beckham

Dear David

This is a good outcome for you. The public love you all the more for the perceived martyrdom and yet you avoid the grandpa-on-the-dancefloor humiliation of skying penalties or being stretchered off with a stitch after 15 minutes.

Dr Gerry Mander shares his consulting room with Rafael Behr

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