English football takes a pasting - again

'Put a shit hanging from a stick, and there are people who will tell you it's a work of art." So said Argentinian football pundit Jorge Valdano this week in the Spanish newspaper Marca. Oddly enough, Valdano was describing the recent Champions League tie between Chelsea and Liverpool, a game hitherto held out with a quiet satisfaction as a showcase of the best that English football has to offer.

Valdano is an unusual figure. He occupies a unique role as football's philosopher-critic. He played in Argentina's 1986 World Cup-winning team. He published a book of epigrams called Apuntes del Balon ("Notes of the Ball"). He once compared criticism of his tactical approach to "the time they dared ask Borges what poetry was for".

So, he's a footballer, a philosopher, a name-dropper. But is he right? The answer is that in some contexts - such as trendy east London - "a shit on a stick" can indeed be art. Like art, football arranges itself in different genres. When Valdano was sporting director at Real Madrid, his team was a travelling sideshow of back-flicks and nutmegs, in contrast to the pragmatic styles of Liverpool and Chelsea. This is clearly a case of the baroque versus the brutalist.

There may be politics here, too. Rafa Benitez and Jose Mourinho, managers of Liverpool and Chelsea, are both candidates to take over at Madrid. Valdano is speaking not to us, but to Madrid's board and fans, while offering a reminder of his own legacy.

Which is all very well, but it's still rude. The obvious riposte is that our football may be a shit on a stick, but it's a successful shit on a stick. Three Champions League semifinalists: count 'em, Jorge. More likely, it comes down to different notions of beauty. We don't produce extravagantly skilled Maradonas. We produce tough John Terrys and tall Peter Crouches. We run around a lot and, occasionally, we forget to take the ball with us. Which, in the right light, can be just as lovely.

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