Why I Hate The Holidays

Why I Hate The Holidays

Kevin Gibson
Page 1 of 3
It's a season of joy. It's a time for family and loved ones to get together. It's a special time of year. I'm talking about the holidays, and they're a crock. From Thanksgiving to New Year's, my life is a wreck. At the risk of sounding like a total scrooge, here's why I hate the holiday season.

the people

I'll never have children
I don't know how you can venture into a shopping mall around Christmastime without becoming a misanthrope. It takes me about 6.8 seconds to hate everyone. The crowds are out of control and the shoppers are obnoxious.

Little kids crying to get their parents to buy them the latest toy are the worst. I just don't want to hear it and, clearly, neither do their parents. But here's the difference: they aren't my kids. After listening to a child moan about getting an Xbox for 10 minutes, I find myself supporting his cause, hoping that his mother will buy it for him, if only to shut him up.

Attention, desperate shoppers
It's amazing what people will do to find a deal. I once went to Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving to buy a DVD player for $20. Well, here's a little tip: The stores only have about three of those advertised items.

Want another tip? Dedicated shoppers not only line up early, they scout the store days in advance so they know exactly where to find the item they're looking for. I actually got body-checked by an 80-year-old woman. That's the holiday spirit for you.

There's more of her to love
The holidays are about eating, no mystery there. For a few solid weeks, there's nothing but sweets as far as the eye can see. Suddenly, my girlfriend, who spends most of the year watching her figure (I like watching it too), lets it all hang out. Trust me, an extra five pounds on a woman makes a big difference.

There's less time to love her
I don't sleep in during the holidays; I can't, there's no time. There are a million and one things to do during the holiday season, which means some things get left out. For me, it's sex.

Maybe it's that my girlfriend feels so pure and festive, or maybe it's that she's so tired when we go to bed, but I'm not getting laid. Fortunately, there's a traditional end to this time of year; it's called New Year's Eve, which is when I take that midnight kiss a few steps further.

the entertainment

Going, going, gone
For the few days around Christmas, sports seem to take a holiday. Well, sort of. If Christmas is on the weekend, you get the pro football games. If not, you get the early college bowl games, which feature teams you've never seen, playing in bowls you've never heard of, sponsored by companies that don't make anything you need, use, or own.

But none of that really matters at my house, because I won't be watching. See, the holidays are about family, which means that turning on the TV to watch the game is strictly forbidden. In other words, my time away from work is also time away from play.

Bad Christmas movies and horrible holiday parties...

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