This Bracelet Will Get Your Kid High Someday

Have you ever seen this kind of woven bracelet before? Supposedly all the kids are wearing these things now—errrrr, I mean, planning on wearing them, soon, very soon, like any day now. It's so they can smoke their weed and get high, to spite you!

The bracelets, which reportedly retail for about $40, come with a plastic tube inside and a filtered bowl at one end. Though their sellers typically market them as tobacco-smoking bracelets, this is just to distract you from their real goal: turning your kids into shiftless stoners. Someday!

Florida's WTSP-TV—which describes the bracelets as "fashionable, even trendy," even though that is simply not true—reports that none of the school districts it contacted has seen the bracelets show up on their campuses yet. Also, none of the tobacco stores they contacted sold the bracelets. But someday they might, so school administrators sent out warning letters to parents so they could get a head-start on their freaking out and panicking.

The school districts are already prepared to punish any hippie bracelet-wearing kids with suspension and—if officials detect that the bracelet has been used for drug-taking purposes—expulsion. These policies will only help the kids find more time to smoke pot out of their bracelets, but that outcome is still more preferable to educating them.