Reason for concern or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2009
Reason for concern or not?
Mon, 11-29-2010 - 9:28pm

There is a boy who turns 5 in two months. He also has a 7 y/o brother.

Their parents divorced 2 1/2 years ago. The BM moved several states and 8 hours away. As part of the visitation BD gets them for 1/2 the summer, every spring break, 1/2 of Christmas, every other thanksgiving (which happens to be around BMs B-day and she has let BD have them the past 3 times, even though 2 were suppose to be hers) and 1 weekend a month. Due to the long distance, BD has take advantage of every visitation except some of the weekends due to him working on Saturdays.

Both boys are considerably close to their dad, especially the 7 y/o, and they talk via phone almost every night. Recently (this past summer) BD moved within 3 hours to them due to his business closing and an opportunity that put him much closer to his boys.

There are some things that raise questions when BD does have them for visits (they come to BDs home and stay with him during visits, unless its a day visit on Sunday). He is unsure if they are cause for concern or normal considering what has happened in their lives (the divorce and long distance). There are some thing that he knows is wrong, but can't do anything about. Such as BM telling boys things like BD doesn't care about them, BD loves his g/f more then you, we don't have any money because your dad won't help me take care of you and so on. Just to note, he does pay CS and extras even.

Aside from that he has noticed behavioral problems out of the the soon to be 5 y/o. I was wondering if you guys had any imput or suggestions or thoughts regarding it.

One of the things is that he knows how to go to the potty and will do it some times. However other times he will out right urinate on himself (never number 2) and act like its funny and want positive attention for it. When we ask him why he did it he laughs or says I don't know. He is still sleeping in pull ups. BD started potty training him on the times he had him over a year ago. During his summer visit he was pretty much potty trained with the exception of nights. BD got the boys for an extra week at the end of the month and BM had put him back in diapers. During the week BD had him, he was back to pottying in the toilet after a day and 1/2. It wasn't until this past summer that the boy started peeing on himself again.

Another issue is violence. We realize that frustration is a part of development especially when a child hasn't learned how to communicate very well. However, this boy is nearly 5 and can talk pretty well. He will do things like punch, bite, pinch and even choke his brother. Its getting worse. He only does this when he is mad because he didn't get his way (a toy he wants or his brother listening to what he says). But it was this past visit over thanksgiving that the violence has escalated to choking, he physically put his hands around his brothers neck and squeezed as hard as he could because he wouldn't listen to what he was telling him.

His 7 y/o brother is not violent at all. We have never had this problem out of him and he is somewhat freaked out about it. The little brother will also have verbal fits over things towards his brother. For example, his older brother wouldn't give him a toy that he wanted to play with. To get away from the little brother, big brother went into the bathroom and shut the door. The nearly 5 y/o started screaming at the top of his lungs at him and saying things like I hate you and so on. We do not yell. We talk calmly to the kids when there are issues (to teach them that, that is the better way to solve problems).

The other things is that the younger one will throw huge fits over certain things (though never getting physical with us) such as not being allowed to each chocolate bars or drinking sodas. This has just started in the past couple of months. One thing that both parents agreed on while together is that soda was not allowed in the house and neither was junkfood. Not that candy or anything was all together banned (thought soda was), but that it was a once in a while things. However, since the divorce, BM has thrown that rule out the window. As a result of junk food and not brushing teeth, the 7 y/o had 10 cavities and the, then just turned 4, y/o had to have one of his front teeth pulled out due to decay and possible damage to his gums as well as some cavities. BM will even send candy and soda with the kids to our house knowing its not allowed here. We realize we have no control over what BM does in her house. But the boys fits over not being allowed to have it here are ridiculous and we aren't sure how to combat it. The rules never changed with BD.

So, based on what I've listed, are any of these things a cause for concern. Are they normal for a 4-5 y/o to do? The main thing is the violence. Pinching and biting seem like a normal phase. But punching and choking? That seems extreme and we fear it will continue to get worse, though there's not much we can do about it.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2013
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 3:30am

There seems to be some serious behavioural issues with the kid or something that has made him so much violent. Certainly a pediatrician must be consulted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 12-02-2010 - 2:39pm

I have a friend who has a five year old... He is very loud, disruptive... and slightly violent. He also sleeps with a pull on at night because he occationally wets the bed. He has loving parents... and it just a VERY rambunctous kid. Some of the things you decribe may be normal for him. (he may have a completely different personality from his brother)

With that said... i would be concerned with the wetting himself on purpose at that age... and the choking of his siblings. Logan is 4 - and is not very violent.. but when he feels that you have hurt his feelings, he'll try to punch (which always shockes me since its not very often) - but I could not imagine him every trying to choke!!! I think those are the two behaviors that sick out to me.. I would definately talk to his doctor for suggestions. How old was he during the divorce? Maybe its been tramatic for him and he needs some counciling?

I would try to figure it out asap - you are right.. I think if it keeps going on, it'll be harder to stop the behavior later on. Keep us updated... ((hugs))


Fall 2010 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 11:56am

I definitely think there is reason for concern-violence like that seems very extreme to me. I would talk to your pediatrician about his behavior and maybe even Social services about the care that is given them while at their birth mom's home. I can't imagine a 4YO who needed a tooth pulled due to decay. Seems like complete neglegence to me and it makes me very sad to hear! Please keep us posted!