How do you get a table where and when you want it?

It all depends on who you play for

Sketch, London
Tel: 0870 777 4488

Sol Campbell (Arsenal and England) - 'We are absolutely full. Sorry.' Not even for Sol Campbell? 'No we really are totally full.'

Thierry Henry (Arsenal and France) - Speak to a French girl and ask for their best table as it's for Henry, the French footballer. 'Yes madam, in the lecture room. Spell the name for me please?' T-H-I-E-R-R-Y H-E-N-R-Y. 'Um...OK.' Refuses to confirm without a credit card number.

David Beckham (Real Madrid and England) - Ask for table. 'Have you been to the restaurant before?' Say it's for Beckham. 'That's fine.' Can he order off menu? 'No, I'm afraid not. It's a French menu, if he wants to order something Chinese then he is in the wrong restaurant.'

Pétrus, London
Tel: 020 7235 1200

Sol Campbell - 'Let me call you back.' Say it's for Sol Campbell. Calls back in five minutes with a table. 'Does he have any any special requirements? Isn't he in training at the moment?'

Thierry Henry - Ask for a table for two at 8pm. 'Um, I might have a cancellation, let me check...I can only do 7.30.' Say it's actually for Thierry Henry. 'Oh, OK, fine yes I can do that absolutely. Does he have any dietary requirements?'

David Beckham - Ask for table at 8pm tomorrow night. Puts me on hold to check. 'I'm sorry, I can only do 7.30.' Clarify that it's for David Beckham. Laughs, 'Oh, that will be no problem - they can order anything they like if they tell us in advance.'

Gordon Ramsay, Royal Hospital Road, London
Tel: 020 7352 4441

Sol Campbell - Ask for a table for tomorrow night. 'I'm afraid we're fully booked.' Say it's for Campbell. 'I'm terribly sorry madam, we are booked one month in advance.' 'Is there definitely nothing you can do?' 'You could try calling tomorrow.'

Thierry Henry - 'Thierry Henry? We are absolutely full, I'm very sorry about that, we do love him here...can I call you back?' They don't call back.

David Beckham - 'We really are full madam, I am sorry there is nothing I can do. I can't find him a table if we are full. I will only know if there have been any cancellations at lunchtime tomorrow so I will call you back if there are.' They don't.