UnNews talk:COCKS embraced: Lawsuit filed against Cedric the Entertainer

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First Review

Humour: 6 Preliminary Comment: So Cheapinitreal, we finally meet in the epic battleground of the Pee Review! It is time for my pee to do mighty battle with your article! I am expecting great things of your writing *no pressure*, so let's see how it goes, eh? Who will win this mighty engagement, this epic skirmish for survival, etc. That chunk of text totally UnCalled for, but I felt like writing so, meh....

Opening Paragraph: While well written this opening paragraph doesn't really score any laughs. From "Rodney Dangerfield" and "Cederic the Entertainer" we immediately have the feeling this is going to be a slightly quirky, corny piece. What happens often with opening paragraphs is that they're well written and set the general scene and atmosphere well, but don't really make you roll on the floor in fits of laughter. That's happened here. Obviously it would be good if you could fit some jokes in here, but it's not essential to make this a brilliant piece.

Second Para: While the name of this group ("COCKS") makes you smile, it's not exactly sophisticated humour, but I guess that's okay. It did make me smile, so it's fine. I was expecting that joke in that quote from a COCK activist/member (or COCKist) but didn't really find one. It was a bit bland that quote...could do with a bit of sprucing up.

Third Para: "The massive crowd of COCKS grew to a thunderous roar as eager on-lookers rushed to join the protest " - This is funny, but I reckon it could be funnier. What about adding a little bit innuendo in there? Something about "erecting a tents for the group" maybe? You get the idea... The rest of this paragraph is quite amusing and a lot better than the other two I've read so far. ""Cedric the Entertainer? Who the fuck did you ever entertain you cocksucker? I'm fucking Burt Young!" " - that was probably the best line in the whole thing so far, very funny stuff. Good work.

Fourth Para: And after a nice third paragraph this one is a bit of anti-climax and doesn't have an awful lot of humour in it. You're lucky that I don't give you a 1 in the humour section, as well, for spelling "favour" without the "U"! :-) On a more serious matter, this is a little bit of a weak ending that definitely needs to be improved upon. Just some more jokes, I guess, are what are needed here. And mroe of that guys name could be made ("PowarKock").

Overall: This is quite good, but could be better. In some places it's very good, there are flashes of brilliance, but in a lot more place there's a bit too much mediocrity and not amazingly funny humour. You need to also expand on the article a little bit, I reckon, because even for an UnNews this is a bit short. With some work here (and if you exploit some of the things you could here, do more with COCK innuendo, for example...) you really could have a very good first UnNews piece.

Concept: 8 The concept here is actually quite good. I mean we all know that just because something is called a "naughty word" (in my best kiddy voice) it isn't automatically funny. But with this article it sort of is. It's kind of immature and not at all sophisticated, but it's quite funny, none the less. There's actually, though, not much room for improvement here, even though it's only an 8. All I can say is don't really change the concept unless you have an incredible idea. You don't need to change it, really! Just work on the few other ideas I've mentioned.
Prose and formatting: 6 We're missing links here! There's not a single link in it... You may have fallen victim to a syndrome I had when I wrote my first UnNews: the "It's UnNews So I Don't Think I Should Put Links In" Syndrome. No, feel free to sling as many links as you like, in! Well not too many, but yeah... I think, even for an UnNews article this is a tad on the short side. I reckon you could expand on this more. There's a lot of quotes in there, too, and I reckon they should be formatted a little nicer. A lot of people would probably disagree with me, but I would put them in {{cquote}} tags. This is a matter of personal preference, here. People that I've already mentioned would disagree with me...and I guess he's your dad, so you can go with him if you like. The thing is that at the moment this UnNews looks just a little too plain and boring. It's all text and one picture...there's very little different formatting to make the page more lively. Most importantly though: add links!
Images: 7 Well the one image you have is okay...it's pretty average. Since your article is so short you only really need one image, anymore and it would look cluttered. And you don't want that, do you? If you do decide to expand on your article then maybe one or two more images could be in order. For the moment you should work on getting a slightly better picture. Maybe a photochopped pic of Cedric getting attacked by the COCKS? And in the picture you could even have one of the COCKS wearing something (or in front of something) that unintentionally (but actually intentionally, if you get what I mean) makes him look like a cockc (micky-mouse ears etc.).
Miscellaneous: 6.75 Avv-ERR-ray-jjjj. It's average time!
Final Score: 33.75 One thing I would say is you should move this to a slightly more suitable title such as "COCKS embraced - lawsuit filed against Cedric the Entertainer" - less of the ! enthusiasm and more proffesional and newsy like. So, what should you do to make this article great? 1) Do the title move I just suggested 2) Add links! 3) Add a few more jokes and make more of the "COCKS" thing 4) Vary the formatting a bit to make it look pretty. And that's just about it. Good luck! With a lot more work this might be ready for VFH. But if you are aiming for VFH make sure it isn't nommed too early. Anyway, there I've given you some homework, get to it! Have fun, and I hope you do write more UnNewses.
Reviewer: Sir FSt. Don Pleb Yettie (talk) QotF BFF NotM RotM UNPotM UGotM CUN PEE SR UnProvise 17:51 27 May
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