

So he was a cocklodger. What does that say about me?

(59 Posts)
BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 20:35:21

I'm staring another thread because I've come to the conclusion he was a cocklodger. I googled it. He fits the description almost to a tee.

No wonder he went so easily. He must have been waiting daily for me to get a grip and kick him out. And he had the nerve to say my timing was bad, he'd got nowhere to go and no worldly goods to show.

FFS! I need to rant some…..

kirstys23 Sat 09-Feb-13 20:36:47

Maybe being a bit naive here...what's a cocklodger?

Nagoo Sat 09-Feb-13 20:37:54

It says you have learned to recognise a cocklodger.

The rest of your life will be better smile

SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 20:38:11

Easily taken advantage.of because you were not aware of his ibtentions. You did not read the signals.

happened to me.too, he, a bag of valuable stuff and a car.

SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 20:39:17

I still feel really foolish five years on. It will be.five years since he left this December

What a cunt I.hope karma is true

SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 20:40:02

he was my.tipping point. Bastard!!!!!

MikeOxardAndWellard Sat 09-Feb-13 20:40:02

I agree with Nagoo. Well done and congrats! x

Monty27 Sat 09-Feb-13 20:40:48

Besame you've made great progress, recognising it and acting on it. Well done.

littlemisssarcastic Sat 09-Feb-13 20:41:39

Every cocklodger I have ever heard about always says they've got nowhere to go.

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 20:42:23


Because he is a cocklodger, instead of doing something for himself.

Well done getting rid. smile

Lueji Sat 09-Feb-13 20:43:35
SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 20:44:17

My cocklodger said he cpuld stay at.his ofoce and did I want.him to leave.

Of course not I.loved him


expatinscotland Sat 09-Feb-13 20:44:36

Bravo, Besame!

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 20:46:37

Well, one of my RL friends said early on 'blimey he's almost too good to be true isn't he?"


izzyizin Sat 09-Feb-13 20:47:12

What does it say about you? That you've been a fool to believe that a man who was out to take advantage of you had any interest in you over and above furtherng his own ends.

We live and learn and some lessons are more expensive than others. Next time watch your purse as well as your heart.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 20:53:56

He stopped off at same RL friends house on the way to where he moved from and told them "Besame is so stressed". I reckon he stopped short of saying I was mad because he'd never have got away with it. RL friend suggested cocklodger give me some time/space alone and maybe we could try again. Cocklodger won't hear of it, it's either all or nothing. Of course it is, because he has to do sweet fuck all.

Christ I'd love to have a conversation with his EXDW (and no. I wasn't an affair partner).


BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 20:57:52

True izzy. Fortunately I think I've had a very, very lucky escape.

What I won't be foolish about when he comes to collect the rest of his stuff is the 'poor me' charm. It will be waiting for him at the doorstep.

izzyizin Sat 09-Feb-13 21:11:26

It's either 'all or nothing'? That'll be a 'nothing' except a time and date to collect the pile of bin bags which will be waiting for him outside your front door while you relax inside with your feet up, tv/dvd on, and champagne ready to pop when he and his motley possessions have departed grin

All of these manipulative twats are ham actors could win awards in the 'poor me' stakes. Don't be fooled again, honey. It's always been about him and it always will be.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 21:16:59

By the time I told him it was over I knew that it was all about him.

That's why I was careful with my words. I didn't mention him not making a contribution to the expenses, or the other things which I had come to resent.

I said the only thing i knew he couldn't manipulate. I said my feelings for him had gone.

Even he had to admit he couldn't argue with that. Twunt.

SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 22:27:12

Besame you did brilliantly. grin x

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 22:50:12

blush why thank you sole. I am rather proud of myself and that has nothing to do with wine at all.

I am celebrating by posting my dubious wisdom on any other thread that'll have me tonight, secure in the knowledge that 1. cocklodger won't make stupid comments about feminist lesbian man-haters, and 2. He can't search my lappy history. Stupid man.

SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 22:53:13

He can just cock off!!!

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 22:57:18

But you know what?

I know FOR SURE that he'll be OD already asap looking for the next 'replacement' and there are lots of women who want to look after someone like him.

Thank fuck it's not me.

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 22:58:48


SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 23:01:37

You kicked that no good hustler to the kerb..HA!!

Flojobunny Sat 09-Feb-13 23:06:33

Well its been 2 years since MNers told me my DP was a cocklodger and to LTB, for once I listened and packed his bags. He still pesters me now saying he misses me and wants to come back. I don't reply cos he isn't worth the simple effort to text. All he misses is someone to fetch n carry for him.

MerryCouthyMows Sat 09-Feb-13 23:10:59

I had a cocklodger a few years ago. I keep him on my fb purely so that I can keep tabs on his DD's, who I loved to pieces (though the older of the two fb friended me of her own accord a couple of years ago, the younger isn't old enough yet.)

He split up with well, got kicked out by yet another girlfriend earlier on this week, I saw all the woe is me posts on fb, and thought "I wonder how long it will take him to message me when he hasn't messages since his last split 9 months ago...".

The answer was 11 minutes. grin

I sniggered as I read his message. I sent back a response that said "You are so predictable you make me laugh. You are so convinced that you are God's gift to women that you thought I would come running the minute you messaged me. Which is even funnier because I knew you were going to because you have been kicked out again, by yet another woman. When will you realise that you don't have a whole host of mental Ex's, and that it's your behaviour that means that you can't keep a relationship for more than a few months?"

His response? "I was only trying to be polite".


Now your cocklodger radar is tuned in, be sure to use it!

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 23:30:46

I am wondering. Is there a school for cocklodgers somewhere?

From whence do they come? Mine is back at his DM's. He's middle aged FFS!!!

Mine won't pester me I am pretty sure of that. He knows he's been rumbled even if he acts the victim. grin

SoleSource Sat 09-Feb-13 23:59:21

They are nstural scammets/conmen. Difficult for me to comprehend how people like tnat sleep at night. But takes all sorts. Somebody even more skilled in conning others shall cross their path one day and leave the people who.conbed us much worse off.

zippey Sun 10-Feb-13 00:26:21

What is the female equivelent? A Fannylodger?

They say it takes one to know one!

Monty27 Sun 10-Feb-13 00:39:05

Zippey ? confused

Besame, I didn't broach mine about money either, I used another reason.

Strange isn't it.

kalidanger Sun 10-Feb-13 10:48:53

I'm another one who didn't mention the money when I got rid of mine hmm It is strange. There's a script for them, same as for adulterers etc, and we follow it too. It just gets too much and becomes utterly pointless, and off they go. Without much of a whimper.

I posted on another thread and I'd never find it again but it was about how it's so nice to be generous, it's a (selfish?!) pleasure to be generous and cook and take to the cinema and mooch about doing whatever one fancies with one's partner and where's the harm in that? But then gradually becomes apparent it's a one-way street and nothing ever happens if it means them having to be 'generous'. There's a confusing period where you end up not doing anything/going anywhere because you're not paying and they're not paying either... You're staying in, in winter, paying for all the heating and that's when all the little 'aha!' moments start to happen and you lose sight of the remote control and start waking up grin

Well, that was my experience biscuit Mine laid it on very thick with having no where to go and I listened to the voicemail then deleted it, hung up on him next time he called from a different number and have had a ton of missed calls since. I think he's got the message now.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 10-Feb-13 10:55:11

I wonder what makes cocklodgers so entitled too besame.

In my xp's case, I think most of it was his complete and utter lack of respect for women, coupled with few opportunities to strike out on his own without the help of a woman who already had her own place, along with finding himself in a situation when he was quite young that he was homeless.

The only way he was going to find a roof over his head was to A, get together with a woman who already had a place, or B, rent a grotty bedsit and be alone.

He chose A (obviously or he wouldn't have been a cocklodger) and has continued to go from woman to woman ever since.

Of course, living with a woman doesn't make you a cocklodger, I know, but with xp viewing women as nothing more than a domestic appliance, having no respect for them coupled with a huge sense of entitlement to any money he earnt, it's not difficult to see how he ended up being a cocklodger.

So the sense of entitlement, the lack of respect, and not having the means or more importantly the desire to live alone and pay his own way = cocklodger imo.

Where did he learn his huge sense of entitlement? lack of respect for women? that women are grateful for a man? that women don't deserve to be treated as equals? That's a good question.

Where do men learn this? Society? Parents? Is it in their nature from the moment they're born? Peers?
Perhaps it is a combination of all of these, yet it in no way excuses them, not at all, and is just a theory.

kalidanger Sun 10-Feb-13 10:55:15


And this has been an enormous pleasure to see, girlfriend! I'm the same again. I have a Successful Mumsnet Episode under my belt so I'm all over the place, laying down my wiseness for all to see grin


As for searching your laptop - first thing I did after removing mine CL was take the passcode lock off my phone angry Why oh why did I need to do that?? Wtf? I don't think it's a massive failing of ours. We woke up, it wasn't forever, we're not posting about 15 years doing all the housework while he watches TV and not having access to the joint account. You can't see into the fucking future when you get together with someone. But you can see what's all around you... and LTB.

<stretches> Aaaah smile

kalidanger Sun 10-Feb-13 10:58:58

littlemisssarcastic Me and mine had vast cultural differences, which makes what you say absolutely correct, but in a slightly different way. Not yer classic pathetic manchild but entitled in other ways. He was also extremely handsome and could therefore get himself into these situations with ease.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Feb-13 11:47:12

I occasionally, over a glass of wine, think that the world is crying out for a kind of TripAdvisor or Ebay rating system for available men.... warn future women he may come into contact with. smile (Or it may exist... old gimmer... knows nothing)

kalidanger Sun 10-Feb-13 11:58:31

I'm dying to post a pic of EX - to stealth boast about his hotness plus as very serious warning to other women <ahem> hmm

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Feb-13 12:05:57

Cogito, I planned to start up a site doing just that and was advised by lawyers not to as there was no way of telling whether people were telling the truth. A couple of years later, a similar site started up in the USA, called www.don' I was too scared to go ahead but that seems to be doing well.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Feb-13 12:06:32

It's a bit Jeremy Kyle in practice, I think!

BeforeAndAfter Sun 10-Feb-13 12:07:36

Thus far I've dodged the cocklodger bullet - just. My personal rules are now that any lucky bastard that gets within sniffing distance of me must live alone, must have a social life and we either go halves on nights out or take it in turns to pay.

I've got too close to two men who lived with Mum and Dad (with plausible reasons that I fell for). So no monkeys for me - you know, the type that only let go of their current branch and swing to yours when they know they've got a good grip on you.

BesameBesame Sun 10-Feb-13 13:48:26

I've learned from this experience (to answer an earlier poster's question) that my ability to be patient with people generally, can be a weakness when embroiled with a CL.

Thus, for months I waited for the promised 'jam'. During that time he didn't work, didn't look for work ("won't leave the house for some minimum wage shit job") TURNED DOWN work, borrowed money (not from me), failed to open mail which he knew were his outstanding bills - had all kinds of idiotic business ideas, oh you know the script.

Anyhoo, by the time the 'jam' appeared - and it has - I've had enough. I could see the future and it wasn't good ,well not for me any way.

I don't feel like a twit though. As you say kali we can't see the future and can only go on the here and now to tell us what's up. And mine won't have any trouble whatsoever in finding another - he too is very good-looking and for a while will be able to flash the cash around. Til it runs out. wink

OneMoreGo Sun 10-Feb-13 13:59:22

I've always thought that Clitlodger had a nice ring, for a woman I mean. grin And well done OP! Congrats on seeing the light.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Feb-13 16:33:41

"was advised by lawyers"

Yes I realise - even with a wine - that it is a complete non-starter legally. smile Although I saw an idea for a different kind of dating site recently which sort of combines social media with introductions... meaning you're getting together with someone that is already known to your acquaintances rather than (the thing that scares me right off dating sites) chancing your arm with some random stranger on whom you have zero background information beyond what they choose to tell you.

BesameBesame Sun 10-Feb-13 20:21:24

He came to get his stuff. This is not unbelievable to those with eyes wide open.

But all sorry for himself, he got some shit together whilst i felt quite sorry for him (made him a cup of tea) and was wondering whether to say that we could keep in touch in the future, when this happened:

My lovely DD who was being very nice to CL got a call from her DF with the sad news that her PGF has died. She went to pieces. I said (wryly) to CL "well you certainly know how to walk into a situation" and he said:

"yep and i'm walking straight out of one too". Without so much as a glance in DD's direction he said he was loading up his car, as he went out the front door he said "byeee" in a false tone and was gone.

So - my DD's loss overshadowed his grand 'poor me' exit.

I am so glad I'm not hurting over him. Have had RL friend round who brought Champagne and 'good for you' wishes.

Never again.

izzyizin Sun 10-Feb-13 20:25:28

What a charmer - and what a shame he wasn't the one who joined the choir immortal today.

Your poor dd - save some of that champers to toast her PGF, bless his soul.

BesameBesame Sun 10-Feb-13 20:48:51

Thank you izzy. DD had lots of cuddles and tears and we talked about her PGF.

As she left to go back to college (her way of coping with these things) she mentioned CL's response. "What a knobbish way to behave" was her judgment.

Knobbish indeed . Indeed.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 20:56:54


Nothing more to say really x

izzyizin Sun 10-Feb-13 21:06:13

'my DD's loss overshadowed his grand 'poor me' exit'

No it wasn't. The insincere skank slunk out in much the same way he slunk in which is not worthy of note.

Whereas your dd's PGF was known for his sincerity and made his exit with dignity.

BesameBesame Sun 10-Feb-13 21:27:26

have just burned all his 'business' cards on the fire grin

deleted his number and all texts etc. am just about to do the same on email.

His EX called him a knob recently. She was absolutely right.

SoleSource Sun 10-Feb-13 23:48:50

What is PGF?

TDada Sun 10-Feb-13 23:52:05

Should be a national register of cocklodgers?

TrippleBerryFairy Mon 11-Feb-13 00:30:17

What it says about you? That you had the experience, learned and won't be repeating it. I had a milder version of this in the past (when I was young and inexperienced), the guy borrowed some money (supposedly for uni books, 'threatening' to WALK from one big city in USA to another if I don't give as he apparently had nothing on him... oh turn back the clock I would tell him to hit the road NOW)

mercury7 Mon 11-Feb-13 01:49:55

I recently found out that my ex had c*cklodged with 4 other women before he met me..he'd obviously had plenty of time to polish up his moves before he moved in with me.
When I found out everything kinda fell into place and made sense
It was years and years ago had no idea at the time blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Feb-13 07:53:12

(Guessing Paternal Grandfather)

TDada Mon 11-Feb-13 22:39:12

With house prices being what they are......

BesameBesame Tue 12-Feb-13 07:54:38

Tdada then they could all live in the same shit place and we can call it Misogynists Road.grin

TDada Tue 12-Feb-13 20:06:51

Besame- lol grin

BesameBesame Thu 14-Feb-13 21:11:57

This last week has been so good.

My stress levels have gone RIGHT down. I've eaten what I want when I want. I've got up in the morning and actually wanted to go to work rather than crawl back under the covers and escape just for some time alone. I've been out. I've arranged to cook my bessie mate a meal at the weekend and much wine will be had. I'm calm and I've been singing in the car. And I've realised what a heavy load I've been carrying all these months - which wasn't mine to carry.

But he has to come back and get some stuff he forgot to take. I don't know when it'll be but I know i will be fine with it.

I won't be making that mistake again. Next bloke who declares he loves me when he doesn't even know me will get the heave-ho.

We live and learn don't we. grin

something2say Thu 14-Feb-13 21:24:16

We do indeed x

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