I'm so cross and upset

(70 Posts)
arggggggh Sun 24-Feb-13 16:00:13

DSD is never allowed to come on holiday with us. Her mum always makes an excuse up... I've no idea why, all I can think of is that it's down to jealousy.

We're planning on going to Disney in December which means she would have to have three days off school. Her mum put in a holiday form for it last week and it's come back as a no.

We don't know what to do... We're taking DD out of school for 2 days for the holiday but her school doesn't have holiday forms etc and we're going to (I know this is wrong..) say she's been poorly. We can't afford to go in holiday time at all, it's just so expensive.

We don't see why DSD mum cant just ring her in sick for a few days... honestly, it's going to be near Christmas and they don't do any serious work at school then..
don't want her missing out AGAIN, no matter what we do she's never allowed to come (this is the first time we would be going in school time btw)

Are We being hideously unreasonable for asking her to have 3 days off school? I'm so doubled up in anger/upset I think my judgement is off.

So why the hell do you think she's doing it because she's jealous? She asked the school, the school said no?

You need to ask the school.

Actually, scrub that. The child's PARENT needs to ask the school and you need to step away.

arggggggh Sun 24-Feb-13 16:19:05

Argh No I don't think she lied I just don't understand how their holiday forms work etc, If someone could explain i'd be grateful. I REALLY don't know.

And NO freddie.. I already said this is the first holiday we have requested a few days off school...

usualsuspect Sun 24-Feb-13 16:21:12

You fill in the form and the school either says yes or no.

Whether you then go on holiday anyway is up to you.But you do risk a fine.

JaquelineHyde Sun 24-Feb-13 16:21:15

Oh right it's just that you don't appear to believe that the form even exists as you keep questioning if they are used. That would certainly explain why you were 'doubled up in anger'

But why would your initial reaction to be angry with the mum unless you believed she lied about asking for the time off?

Why didn't your partner ask for it, if he has parental responsibility? Why was it up to the mum to do your dirty work for you?

purpleroses Sun 24-Feb-13 16:28:37

If you've previously had lots of difficulty in persuading DSD's mum to let her come on holiday with you, it would seem sensible to try for a holiday she'd have the least possible reasons to oppose. A foreign holiday during term time is not the way to go. It's setting DSD up to not be allowed to come sad

purpleroses Sun 24-Feb-13 16:30:28

Both my DCs schools have holiday forms. And at both schools you need to have some special reason for them to say yes. I managed it for 1 day for a family wedding recently but they definitely turn people down when it's just a normal holiday. Saying you can't afford to go in holidays is also not a reason they'll accept, because everyone could say that.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 24-Feb-13 16:30:52

OP, I would question the wisdom of expecting your DC to lie about this holiday. My DS is going on holiday during term time this year. I did think of fibbing, but I couldn't ask DS to do it.

There is no way your DC will be unable to tell everyone about what a great time she had at Disney.

allnewtaketwo Sun 24-Feb-13 16:41:41

OP, if you are "doubled up in anger" and "heartbroken", then I really think its time you took a step back and stop getti g so emotionally involved. You can't change how someone else chooses to parent their child

HecateWhoopass Sun 24-Feb-13 16:48:32

ah, we all have our muchos dickus moments grin

Why didn't your DP ask for the time off though? Why didn't he contact the school?

I would say just take DSD after agreeing with her Mum that you will pay any fines and hassle from school.

ZenNudist Sun 24-Feb-13 16:57:55

Forget Disneyland it's arm & a leg time. Go nice beachy holiday somewhere not too touristy. In summer hol.

Get your dh to ring his dd's school and ask when she would be allowed to take time off school. Clearly holiday forms exist for a reason, so there must be some school time she can take off. Work with them to find a time that works for everyone.

LtEveDallas Sun 24-Feb-13 17:08:29

How old is DSD? Does she have a bad record of attendance? Does the school have a bad record of attendance? Is she doing well or struggling in her classes?

All those things will impact on whether the school gives authorised absence or not. When DD was in Reception we asked for 3 days off school before the summer holidays (for a good reason) and it was given happily. A year later the schools attendance record was the worst in the county so we didn't ask again - we knew it would put the school in a bad position.

It's not your DSD mums fault. You shouldn't blame her, and I second the poster who asks why DSDs dad didn't do the asking in the first place? When DH was going to Iraq and wasn't going to see DSD for over 6 months he asked the school for special permission to take her out for a holiday. The school granted the request due to the special circumstances and DSD mum didn't get involved.

Strongertogether Mon 25-Feb-13 12:42:47

I agree with the other posters, you cannot expect the mum to lie for you. It sounds like she's done what you've asked, it isn't her fault the request was turned down. I hope that you manage to work something out.

theredhen Mon 25-Feb-13 13:13:42

My DS primary school had a policy of considering week long holiday requests but refusing all "long weekends" or short breaks.

Not sure I ever worked out why, but it was their policy. confused

Zavi Mon 25-Feb-13 13:15:18

Sounds to me like you are all too ready to blame your DSD's mum given half the chance!

Anyway, why didn't DSD's Dad contact the school to try and arrange the time off? If he has got parental responsibility for DSD then DSD's mum is not allowed to "control" what Dad does with his daughter in his time with her (though he would need her agreement to go abroad).

If DSD's Dad was a bit more actively involved with DSD - such as contacting the school himself instead of leaving it up to DSD's mum to make arrangements on his behalf - then he might not find DSD's mum quite so "controlling" and you might find her not quite so "jealous" and she might find it a bit easier to trust her daughter going away with you...

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 13:56:31

DP rang DSD school today and there was no form filled out or handed in, at all. They are posting him one.

There's alot of band wagon jumping going on in this post and people jumping to conclusions...

I know I came and spouted off and was unfair, but it's because I have no one to do that to IRL. Sorry.

NatashaBee Mon 25-Feb-13 14:10:01

I agree with everything Zavi said. Lots of schools have a policy of refusing all absences, you have the option to take her anyway and have it marked as an unauthorised absence and risk being fined. You don't need to lie about her being sick, that's very unfair on your DSD. Just tell the school that you accept it will be marked as unauthorised and you're going anyway. If your DSD's mother has lied to you, then that's wrong - but you also wanted to lie to the school about your DSD being sick. What on earth is all this lying going to teach a 9 year old?!

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 14:18:41

Well it looks like the school is going to grant 3 days which is all we need. Now her mum is furious because DP went over her head to the school. So no doubt she'll be starting a war over that now.

Think I'm going to just leave this post now. I see how badly I've come off, I apologise for that. Thank you to everyone that helped and gave advice.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 25-Feb-13 14:21:33


There's not really a lot of point though, is there? Your DSD's Mum obviously doesn't want her to go on holiday with her Dad and you, and has already apparently lied to your DP in order to try and prevent it happening.
Your DSD's mum has to give permission for your DSD to leave the country without her, and is she really going to do that? If you choose to go anyway, without Mums written permission, you risk getting stopped at immigration either here in the UK or in the States if she has made a call saying that your DSD is being taken out the country without permission.
What should be a holiday of a lifetime could well turn into a nightmare - it's not worth it, surely?

I'm pleased the school were able to agree it for you so quickly.

But I agree with NotaDisneyMum. Do you hold DSD's passport?

arggggggh Mon 25-Feb-13 14:26:17

I don't think DSD mum would do that, She likes to make out to DSD that she's the good guy, and we never tell her about the lies her mum tells.

I don't know what to do any more, I feel so deflated about it all.

lynniep Mon 25-Feb-13 14:27:37

Theres a reason this isnt in AIBU
Because you are. Very. I wont pull my kids out in term time either.

It's not up to you to do anything.

It's up to your DP. Step away and detach.

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