Problem solved: My silent brother

My brother no longer talks to me because I still have contact with his ex-wife. What can I do?
    • The Guardian,
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I left my home town in the north to come to university 30-odd years ago and live in London. My younger brother, who still lives in the same town, is no longer responding to any communication from me or my family. He is on his third marriage, and no longer speaks to two ex-wives or his three daughters by those marriages, even though they live in the same town. His reason for not speaking to me is that I have maintained contact with his second ex-wife and two daughters, mainly because we had our children at the same time and I was relatively close to them. The contact has been fairly desultory – Christmas presents, visits of an hour's duration, the odd letter, photo or phone call, but very important to me and my children.

My mother has always colluded with my brother by "siding with" him and has thereby lost contact with three granddaughters and two ex-daughters-in-law. I am very hurt and sad and angry with my brother. I see him as bullying everyone around him but I don't want to turn my back on him because that feels wrong and because, somewhere, he must be in a lot of pain and I love him. How can I reach him or even do anything about the situation? P, London

Let me get this right. Your younger brother and your mother are not talking to your brother's ex-wives, or his children, and your brother isn't talking to you either, because you maintain contact with his second wife? That's it? That's the reason? I feel a giant piece of the jigsaw is missing here; namely, what did she – this second wife – do to result in a father and grandmother not talking to his children/her grandchildren? I can understand a man not talking to his ex-wife, or a mother-in-law not talking to her ex-daughter-in-law. I also know that parents and grandparents lose contact with children and grandchildren. But I simply cannot believe it's over just this; namely, your continued contact with the ex-wife. It just doesn't add up.

So I'm confused because I don't think this is the whole picture. What do his ex wives say about the situation? What about the children? How old are they? Do they want contact with him? Who does he bully? Why are you the one who is trying to reach out to him; where is everyone else? I know you want answers and here I am with questions, but nothing adds up.

It's interesting that you start your letter with a bit of history about yourself. You left home, you went to university. He, evidently, didn't. I'm left wondering why you felt this was relevant to mention because, as it stands, it's a fairly incongruous piece of information. Did the problems start when you left home? Does your brother think you are a bit above yourself?

Anyway, to provide some answers: I'm not sure what you've tried or if the communication you mention has been on the phone or by letter but you need to pick a form of communication he is most comfortable with (even if it's the one he's least uncomfortable with).

That may involve you going to see him. I think it's too ambitious for you to involve everyone – mother, sisters-in-law, children – and, to be honest, I don't think it's your place to. That's up to them to pursue. What you need to work on, because you want to and because you feel you need to, is your relationship with your brother. Try to start small and make it not about trying to resolve anything, if that is possible. What did you like doing as children? Do you have a common interest? Try to make that the focus of meeting. I appreciate this may be hard if he lives far away or he truly refuses all contact. So if that is unrealistic, then just be honest about why you're meeting up and in your mind make it about being one last try, because you can't keep knocking on this particular door forever.

If you do meet up, I think you will need to be prepared to really listen – not deflect, not accuse back – to what he has to say. Remember: you want to resolve things, he doesn't. And don't make this about you telling him what he's done wrong. Maybe this is what he perceives you've always done. But ultimately if your brother really does refuse all communication, you just have to listen to the silence and leave him to live his own life.

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