AIBU about Mil funeral?

(53 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Thu 26-Sep-13 23:59:19

I don't know if this is a problem due to different views/ culture / individual choice.

Mil died last week. Im devastated. I was her Carer for 3 years. We had a quirky, caring & respectful relationship.

Dp & Sil really didn't give a shit. Mil wasn't a good mum but for last 10 years she'd really tried to make amends. She was an excellent grandmother.

Dp & Sil have scrimped on the funeral. There's only a hearse. I've offered to pay for a limo but Sil said no. Dp & Sil are both tight gits but this takes the piss. There's no wake organised- again i offered to organise & pay for it but Sil said she'd do it but hasn't. Theres no order of service. Cheap flowers off the internet... That sort of thing.

I see it as a lack of thought & respect for their mother. They are blaming each other & winding each other up. No one is actually doing anything. Dp i& Sil took what they wanted out of Mil house. I've cleared it. Even pulling up carpets etc- Im 23 weeks pregnant.

I must point out neither would have to pay for anything as once everything is sorted all costs will be covered.
So AIBU?? Im angry at both of them. I have distanced myself from all funeral arrangments as so embarressing. Do i need to step back as she wasn't my mum & accept my background means a funeral is considered as equal to a wedding. Dp i& Sil are entitled to organise or not organise their mothers funeral any way they like. Cultures have very different views on funerals but i feel they are just Lazy, disorganised & mean...!

buss Fri 27-Sep-13 00:01:17

YANBU at all sad

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:01:53

Sorry my point about the house wasn't clear.

Dp & Sil took what they wanted out of Mil house.

They didn't help clear it or organise the removal of 42 years of clutter. I did!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 27-Sep-13 00:08:56

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL sad

It's a shame that it wont be as you would have liked, however, I am guessing that there is a lot of hurt there (from DH & SIL re their Mum) and maybe letting them do this 'on the cheap' might help them to vent their anger a bit. I think that (for some people) seeing your parent be a great grandparent must be very hard - it must make you hurt MORE for what they should have been like with that person, but wasn't.

If I were you, I'd let them get on with it, but I would send some lovely flowers from YOU and take some comfort in the fact that YOU were able to be there for her when she needed help - that is what counts, not what happens once you have died (well, IMO anyway).

peppapigmustdie Fri 27-Sep-13 00:09:03

You do need to step back sorry, if you Mil doesn't get the send off you think she deserves then it is not up to you. The choice is with her Son and Daughter and if they feel she deserves the minimum then she does.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 27-Sep-13 00:10:05

I understood what you meant about the house.

This really isn't the thread for it - but does your DH treat you like this all the time?

This is really sad. So sorry about your DMIL, Shelly. When is the funeral? It must be very soon so there may not be much you can do.

You can get nicer flowers, you can organise something afterwards but it may cause more issues. Is there anything you could do to remember her in your own way afterwards?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 27-Sep-13 00:13:28

It is one thing to say - 'it's up to them', it's quite another to say 'that's what she deserves' - for all we know she might have been a lovely Mum and they are just two penny pinching nasty people...

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:14:51

Do you mean is he tight git chipping?

Sometimes but Im the exact opposite so normally it sort of even out!

CoffeeTea103 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:18:58

I would go ahead and organize something. It's really not about your DH and SIL as they can't be bothered. You sound lovely, And seemed to have a special relationship with your mil, so have something small in a way she deserved. I think if you do nothing, it will always be at the back of your mind.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Fri 27-Sep-13 00:23:40

Firstly, sorry for the loss of someone who obviously meant a lot to you. It must be very hard to see the funeral arrangements made/not made like this.

However, I'd second what PP have said. It must be very hard to have a bad parent who then becomes a great GP. Is there more backstory here? FWIW, my SIL is always trying to get my brother and I to spend more time with our dad. However, she wasn't on the scene when his chronic drinking destroyed our family (DPs divorced as a result). She's only known him as he's mellowed as he's got older, but DB and I have known another side to him. Could it be that something similar has happened here and hence they don't think she 'deserves' more?

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:24:19

* Coffee * I offered to but Sil said she was organising something after the funeral.

I think i need to distance myself from this as much as possible.

I won't have to see Sil again.

It has made me realise my Dp is a tight arse. I am struggling with how i feel about him as i find it very shocking that anyone could be so mean.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:28:01

Very similar situation Wibbly but i never tried to play happy families these last 10 years as i totally understand how they feel about their mum.

My mum is an alcoholic. She has been for 25 years & is drinking herself to death.

Mil did stop drinking. 10 years sober!

NoComet Fri 27-Sep-13 00:31:56

It's sad, especially if you liked your DMIL, I still miss mine 13 years after she died, but cultures on funerals vary.

I can't conceive DSIS and I will spend a penny more on my parents than we have to. A hearse to the crem, which has to break the national speed limit on the way, nothing more.

Neither believe in God or heaven, except for DDad's comment that fast damilers were wasted causing traffic jams, neither has any last wishes.

If there is any wasting money or fuss they will come back and haunt me, just as I've promised to haunt anyone who mentions God or life after death at my cremation.

I have a CofE God believing in DH, he has been warned.

MangoTiramisu Fri 27-Sep-13 00:33:44

She was their mother so you can't really interfere. However, she was a good friend of yours and your DC's granny. What is to stop you from getting her a really beautiful bunch of flowers and laying them on her grave and then popping by regularly to make sure her grave is tidy with some nice flowers. You can do your bit for your relationship and she'll look down and appreciate it. Just because they can't be bothered doesn't mean you have to step back.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 27-Sep-13 00:34:17

Shelly - that's not really what I meant, no. I meant he allowed you to be her carer (it doesn't sound like he did any of the caring, but I could be wrong), you had a close relationship with her and yet he's ignoring your feelings about her funeral, they took the things they wanted out of her home, but you did the donkey work of clearing it out etc it seems like he treats you pretty badly? Would that be right?

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:40:52

Chipping- he thoughtless & self absorbed. If something isn't relevant to him he just doesn't think. This has made me question why Im with him he& if i want to be with someone who can see how upset i am but doesn't appear to have any comprehension of what i am talking about.

Mil is being cremated. There will be no final resting place as Sil is keeping the ashes. It goes without saying i will pay for the majority of the flowers...

MistyB Fri 27-Sep-13 00:42:04

Tricky situation. Siblings growing up in the same house can experience very different parents. Partners joining the family years later, can experience a whole different side to the parents in question. This is not the time to analyse the reactions of those around you. Grieve for the person you knew and loved but do not judge the grief of others. Also, make judgements about your DH and SIL in light of their other relationships with people, their relationships with their parents may be more complex than the surface displays.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:43:27

Sorry just to add. I feel i have to step back as the funeral is so embarressing i do not want anyone to think i had anything to do with it. Normally i dont give a hoot what anyone thinks but this is different!

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:45:55

Exactly Misty! but even though my own mother is alcoholic i would make sure she had a decent funeral. The funeral is a reflection on me.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 27-Sep-13 00:50:22

Shelly sad people wont think your MIL's funeral is a reflection on you, but on your H and SIL.

He sounds thoughless and self absorbed 'at best' - I have a few other less generous adjectives I'd use. I can't fathom why you are with him either!

Did you get paid to be MIL's carer?

MariaLuna Fri 27-Sep-13 00:52:16

I'm sorry but I don't understand why at 23 weeks pregnancy you are pulling up carpets...
(what are you going to do with them exactly).

If they can't give a fuck, why should you?

Leave them to it and concentrate on your pregnancy. You owe it to yourself and to your LO.

She's gone now. (Sorry if that sounds mean).

Look to the future, not the past.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:53:58

No i was never paid to be Mil Carer but hospital & Dwp acknowledged i was her Carer. I earn too much to qualify.

As Dps very long term partner people/ family will presume i was involved in the arrangments & planning of the funeral. When people are phoning & texting requesting details of the funeral, i tell them to contact Dp or Sil.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 27-Sep-13 00:58:45

The reason i ended up clearing the house was that its a council house. The council told me if the house wasn't clear of all furniture & carpets, we would be sent a bill for clearing the house.

Dp has had 2 days compassionate leave. He has 1 left for the funeral. The keys need to be handed in on Monday so i didn't have much choice. Dp has no holidays left til next year & never takes unpaid leave-ever!

Sil lives 2 hours away.

MistyB Fri 27-Sep-13 01:00:07

Honestly, no! Her funeral is just that, it is not a reflection on you, on her, or on her children. Her life was a testament to her life, her funeral is just a reflection of that, if the light is shining badly on that day, it is just that, the light of the day, not the substance of her life. Allow your DH to let his Mum pass in the manner in which he wants. Allow yourself to remember her in whatever way you wish to remember by.

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