Dager: Sharing a war story not always the best choice

I've always thought it was a cruel rite of passage for first-time pregnant women to be subjected to other mothers' labor-and-delivery horror stories.

I'm pretty sure the scaring is unintentional, but I don't know why women do that to each other. Perhaps it is because most people share stories of any topic to relate to others in regular conversation.

It's only natural — if somewhat insensitive — to tell the tale of one's 27 hours of induced labor with no epidural.

I recalled this tactless tradition after someone told me he was thinking about my son-in-law, a Marine stationed in Afghanistan. The person then proceeded to tell me he knew a soldier who had been hit by an IED and suffered a TBI.

For those of you who don't know military lingo — and I've learned many more of these terms in the two years my daughter has been married to a Marine — an IED is an improvised explosive device, also known as a roadside bomb. TBI stands for "traumatic brain injury."

Like a formerly pregnant woman who is so willing to regale us with the painful details of childbirth, the person who said this to me didn't mean to be negative or macabre. He just wanted to wish us well and let us know he understood how we felt.

My son-in-law has been in the Marine Corps for eight years and has had two tours in Iraq. I didn't know him then, but like everyone else, I can read headlines. I know how dangerous it is.

Now that he is part of our family, his service has become much more real than what we read in the newspaper. It took us away from the periphery and into the midst, with his time in Afghanistan difficult for everyone. For him, it's part of the job. For my daughter, my parents, my husband and me, it was constant worry for five months.

It did not make it any easier when I went to the store to buy goodies for the care package I was sending to Afghanistan, and the cashier said to me, "Did you hear about those soldiers that got shot?"

Yes, I'd heard about them. As did my daughter, who, while her husband was deployed, sometimes called me five times a day, wanting to be distracted by the boring events of my mundane life.

I've heard the upset in her voice when someone thoughtlessly said something to her about military personnel who were injured or killed in war zones. I know that it is simply a misguided way to sympathize or even empathize, but it is torture to a military wife whose husband has no cellular phone and limited access to a computer and can't contact her every day.

Six Marines were killed in one week while my son-in-law was stationed in Afghanistan. During that time, my daughter hadn't heard from him for a few days. I kept telling her that if he were hurt, she would've gotten official word. I told her not to listen to the chatter of others, which is difficult to avoid when you're part of the military culture.

Thanking a wife for her husband's service is lovely and kind. Saying that he is in your prayers is heartfelt and welcome. Adding that you know this guy who got blown up by a roadside bomb is the equivalent of telling a pregnant woman about your cousin's husband's friend's wife's stillbirth.

Before you share that story, think about the person to whom you are speaking and consider the heaviness that's already in his or her heart.