Cross purposes

The Easter story is unsuitable for children. But even if you don't tell your kids the story, their school will
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This Easter, millions of children across the UK will be ordered to sing Sydney Carter's 1963 hymn Lord of the Dance. Like me, several will probably mishear the jaunty chorus and pipe up, "I am the Lord of the dancing bee!", picturing a stripy yellow-and-black God with a buzzing fur-covered body.

More worryingly, they'll also be expected to caterwaul the gory, accusatory couplet: "They whipped and they stripped and they hung me high/And they left me there on a cross to die", before being told that a nice man snuffed it in agony because we're all bad.

The crucifixion story is more gruesome than most "15" certificate films, but while violent videogames and movies are blamed for countless crimes, brutal religious songs and stories are still thought of as educational and suitable for all ages.

"Can I take my five-year-old to see Saw IV?"

Noooo, you crayzee fool! Do you want to be locked up? Any idiot knows that's irresponsible, sick and just plain wrong!

"Okay then, can I tell them about the man whose own dad let him be tortured by having sharp nails stuck through his hands and feet, till he died a grisly and truly excruciating death?"

Of course you can! What in God's name is wrong with that?

Even if you don't tell your kids the story, their school will. Learning about Easter yearly is mandatory, and the reason isn't historical relevance but "celebrating the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ", even in broadly secular state schools. I remember being informed at the age of six by a frightening teacher that "Jesus died for each one of our sins, and we must all repent."

I was terrified, very sorry that I'd stolen pic'n'mix from Woolworths and shoved broccoli down my knickers at dinner time when my mum wasn't looking, and that the Son of God had endured holey hands partly because of me. But that wasn't just two decades ago: this kind of shame, guilt and confusion is still being hammered into millions of children right now.

Why? It's not as though six-year-olds can learn anything useful from the Easter story. There's no moral - an innocent man being forced to suffer a wretched, tragic death is a horror story, not a parable, and the fact that Christians think he came back to life doesn't make it any less chilling. Jesus seems like a kind bloke, and I doubt he'd have wanted to drive the fear of God into a load of tiny kids. Added to which, children are impressionable: do we really want them to think they can die and then come back again? Roadrunner's no longer allowed to be steamrolled flat and boinged into 3D in seconds, so why should a real-life human like JC be any different?

If we're going to tell kids religion-based lies, let's confine them to "Mr Cat has gone to heaven and is being cared for by Whiskas-bearing angels" rather than "God haemorrhaged to death and reappeared and it's all your fault" (say both, and the kid will hope Mr Cat's being resurrected in three days).

If I have children and they ask about the Easter Story, I'll tell them that Jesus was probably a gentle, decent man who died a painful and unnecessary death two millennia ago, and that he didn't go anywhere after that, because it's not possible, no matter what's written in a very, very old book. That he shared a message of peace and love which his murderers found threatening, and his death kicked off a religion which in turn has caused millions of deaths. And that he'd no doubt be profoundly depressed by the number of people who have been killed and frightened in his name.

Nah, on second thoughts, maybe I'll just tell them he was a dancing bee.

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