

'Survivor Philippines' recap, 'Hell Hath Frozen Over'

Pretty please can Abbi go home tonight? Hopefully, but first we have to listen to her for the entire episode.

The morning after Tribal Council, Abbi is still reeling from hearing what people actually think about her. She has to be one of the least self-aware people I have ever seen.

She's not mean, she's just fiery! And she can be mean, but no one can be mean to her! Bleh. Denise and Jonathan (arguably two of the smartest people in this game) feel the same way I do.

Malcolm and Abbi go to get Treemail, and it looks like letters from home, which makes Abbi cry. Malcolm provides a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, and while I don't doubt that he's empathic towards her (although he also calls her out on not being self-aware) but he's probably also setting her up as a possible jury vote.

Treemail is not letters from home, but money for a "Survivor" auction. Everybody gets $500, and you can't share food or money. Denise spends all of her money right away on pancakes and bacon, and Mike does the same thing on wine and cheese, even though he doesn't drink wine.

Iced coffee and donuts go to Malcolm for $200. I think I'd hold out for something with protein. Jonathan bids $100 for a mystery item, which turns out to be chicken and fries. See, that I'd pay the $500 for.

There is a second mystery item, which Carter bids on. It's a baked 'patata,' as Jeff calls it. But Carter gets the chance to trade his item for rice and beans for the whole tribe, which he takes. The next item (again mystery) Carter bids for, but Lisa outbids him and gets a huge sandwich. Kind of rude to outbid the guy who just gave up his food for the whole tribe.

And then there's an 'advantage in the game,' which Abbi immediately bids $500 for. We'll see how that goes. Carter gets to bid on another item, and Lisa tries to outbid him again, but he has more money left than her. The item is veal shanks, which the whole tribe gets 60 seconds to eat. This challenge has done a lot to make Carter look good to the rest of the tribe, that's for sure.

I miss a lot of the name titles because I'm typing while I watch, but I just realized that I've been spelling Abi's name wrong the whole time. Whoops, sorry Abi.

Everyone is all happy and full back from the auction. Until Abi and Jonathan start talking that is. She feels that she deserves an apology form the people who ganged up on her.

I love the start of Jonathan's explanation -- "Well, in a game ..." She's so put out about how 'mean' people were to her, but then turns around and immediately says that she's only 'honest.' Pot, the kettle called, and you're black.

Malcolm thinks Abi's advantage is either a clue to another Immunity Idol, or an advantage in the next challenge.  And he's right, she will go directly to the final round of the next Immunity Challenge. Which may or may not help her, considering how much she sucks at challenges.

Abi plans to start messing with people, and insinuating (lying) that she has more power than she does. Does she not realize that this plan will only work to the beginning of the next challenge, when her advantage is announced? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, there.

Malcolm refers to her as that ex-girlfriend that just won't go away, and is all bitter and hasn't forgiven you, but wo'’t leave you alone. Ha. That is exactly what she is. She tries telling Malcolm that she already has the Immunity Idol, but it doesn't look like he's buying it.

Immunity Challenge and Abi's comeuppance time! More ropes wrapped around obstacles. They really like the rope thing this season, don't they? Did they get a good deal on rope or something?

Jeff asks Abi to read her note, and she totally lies to everyone, and says that there were two notes, and reads the part about the challenge advantage. I can't stand you, but well played, Abi. There are also quiz questions, which Lisa and Denise get wrong and get 5 percent of their body weight to carry through the course.

Denise is out to an early lead, despite the extra weight. Carter, Mike, Malcolm, and Jonathan make it through the first round. Denise, Carter and Mike miss the second question, and get another 5 percent. Jonathan and Carter make it through the second round. When did Carter get so good at challenges?

Last round is Carter, Jonathan, and Abi. All they have to do is untie knots to get through. Could they have made this any easier for Abi? I admit that I'm sitting here, along with all the other Survivors, chanting "Go, Carter, go!" because I desperately don't want Abi to win. Which, crap, she does. She will be unbearable when she get back to camp, because she can't fathom that she should be thinking ahead.

Malcolm is not all that upset about Abi getting immunity, because it gives him the opportunity to get rid of Jonathan now. And geez, now Lisa is whinging about having to get rid of Carter and Jonathan because she made an alliance with Denise and Malcolm, and how she's not made for this game. And she goes right to Jonathan and her woes, which is stupid, stupid, stupid.

I don't know why I'm recapping this, since she's dead to me. She cries all the time, but has no problem stabbing people in the back. And wow, can Lisa get a pair of tweezers in a reward, because, damn.

Jonathan calls her on her crap, which is awesome. He tells everyone exactly what he thinks and they all like him anyway. He also realizes that he should have solidified an alliance when he had the chance. He gets Carter and Abi together to vote for Denise, and tries to work on Mike. Mike is contemplating going along with it, because he feels that he could beat Jonathan in the final three.

Tribal Council time! Jonathan is dancing around trying his darndest to save himself; he reminds me of "Razzle Dazzle" from Chicago. Oh, jeez, Lisa is crying again, about a similar situation in her personal life? Is this somehow about the Facts of Life? I'm so confused. It all comes down to who Mike votes for ...

And it's Jonathan. He didn't quite dazzle them enough, I guess. He hugs Carter, and flat out refuses to hug Abi when asked. Ha. He leaves, whistling, and telling everyone to "suck eggs" cheerfully.

Next week: It's family visit time! Good for Lisa, and possible bad for Malcolm because his brother is a weenie? We'll see.

Credits: Jonathan is gracious about being bested.

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