Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG Jason Henry for The Wall Street Journal

WOULD YOU believe it? This is the first time I've ever driven Mercedes-Benz's brawny sport-utility, the G-class, otherwise known as the Geländewagen.


What a slab. How very like riding a drunken moose. The Geländewagen—which has been in production in Graz, Austria, since 1979—was designed for military service and, despite all of Mercedes's luxury lather and the AMG division's high-tech hot-rodding, the G63 AMG I drove (544 horsepower, $145,210) retained a distinct motorized-infantry feel.

Photos: Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG

Click to view slideshow Jason Henry for The Wall Street Journal

At present, more than 60 countries' armed forces use the G-wagen, including the U.S. Marine Corps, which deploys a version as a fast-attack vehicle. NATO has preordered enough G-wagens to keep Graz in chips until 2025. Battle-wagon-wise, the G-wagen certainly has it where it counts: über-rugged body-on-frame construction, heavy-duty axles, two-speed transfer case, three electronically locking differentials, tall ground clearance, narrow beam and lots of schteel. The thing is as solid as Egyptian statuary.

I want to underscore my admiration here. I would take a (diesel-powered) Geländewagen off-track anywhere in the world—Labrador, New Guinea, Nepal, you name it, I'm already packed. In expedition conditions, I would literally bet my life on this machine. That's how much respect I have for the Three-Pointed Star.

But as demilitarized luxury transportation bopping around West Los Angeles, the G-wagen is deeply compromised, even stupid. Let's start with what you might call its legacy ergonomics: the skirt-splitting upstep into the cabin, the pewlike seating position, the scant legroom and the lack of a telescopic steering column. Then there's the steady, maddening aero moan as the G-wagon beats a square hole in the air going down a highway. Man, I've got to get out of the Wehrmacht.

At freeway speeds, the twin-turbo V8 starts to labor under the G-wagen's 5,600-pound curb weight and aero-inefficient tall-box shape.

To be clear, there were very good reasons the G-wagen cabin was shaped like it is—something about hard points and serviceability in the field, I'm sure. But that was 34 years ago, and ergonomic standards have moved on a bit. Your Russian girlfriend won't be the only pain in your backside.

Actually, the G-wagen is an interesting case study in industrial design. What was once a highly specialized, narrowly focused vehicle has been steadily morphing into a very different kind of vehicle, aimed at a wildly different audience, with diametrically different driving demands. The model-year revisions for 2013 represent more of that drumbeat: a new twin-bezel instrument cluster with embedded graphics; a redesigned center console; and the now-obligatory LED front and rear lighting. The center-console gear selector is the stubby aluminum affair from the SLS. The über-knob for the multifunction center screen is the same as in an S-class. There are polished-alloy threshold plates and indirect cabin lighting.

The G-wagen also gets into step with the latest generation of Mercedes's infotainment and Internet systems, as well as safety tech such as (optional) adaptive cruise control, parking assist and blind-spot assist.

2013 Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG

Jason Henry for The Wall Street Journal

Base price: $134,300

Price as tested: $145,210

Powertrain: Twin-turbocharged 5.5-liter, 32-valve V8 with variable valve timing and two-stage induction; seven-speed automatic transmission with manual-shift mode; two-speed transfer case; front, center and rear electronically locking differentials; four-wheel drive

Horsepower/torque: 544 hp at 5,500 rpm/560 pound-feet at 2,600-5,000 rpm

Length/weight: 184.5 inches/5,622 pounds

Wheelbase: 112.2 inches

0-60 mph: 5.3 seconds

EPA fuel economy: 12/14 mpg, city/highway

Cargo capacity: 45.2/79.5 cubic feet (rear seat backs up/down)

As for the last, the G—with its supertall roofline, high hip point, thin roof pillars and expanses of glass—probably offers the best visibility of all Mercedes vehicles. It's like going around with an overturned aquarium on your head.

The G-wagen's interior designers did cheat the matter a little. Rather than go the expense of integrating the central navi/info screen into the dash fascia, they perched a flat-screen panel above the center air vents in a way that seems less than fully baked.

Watch the trailer for the film "Fast & Furious 6." Agent Luke Hobbs enlists Dominic Toretto and his team to bring down former Special Ops soldier Owen Shaw, leader of a unit specializing in vehicular warfare. (Photo/Video: Universal)

Our test car was decked out in exquisite diamond-pleat leather seats and door gussets, set off with miles-deep carbon-fiber trim. The switchgear glows like plated sterling. We're in Bentley territory here. The G63 AMG's Death Star package also includes the company's 544-hp, 5.5-liter twin-turbo V8 and dish-rattling chrome-tipped side pipes; available matte-finish black paint and matching alloy wheels; and an outrageous mirror-polished brush bar, the glare from which could knock out satellites. The poisoned-with-testosterone supertractor can pace to 60 miles per hour in 5.3 seconds, says Mercedes, and notch an electronically limited top speed of 130 mph.

Adding massive AMG horsepower does not flatter the G's handling, however. The electric steering response is weirdly, deliberately lazy, and even AMG's high-performance dynamics package is no match for the G's truck-y, oscillating body roll and high center of gravity. Hustling the G63 down a winding road feels distinctly like dangling in a ship's rigging.

Meanwhile, here and there, the G sports some curious anachronisms, such the primitive door hinges or the central locking actuators, which clank like bullets off the roof. One would not necessarily brag about the brakes, either.

And, truth be told, the G63 is curiously not fast at times. At freeway speeds, around 80 to 85 mph, the twin-turbo V8 makes some heroic sounds but starts to labor under the 5,600-pound curb weight, the driveline losses and the G's aero-inefficient tall-box shape. For the worst automotive perverts out there, Mercedes offers the G65 AMG, powered by a twin-turbo 6.0-liter, 612-hp V12, but you'll need a passport. The G65 isn't sold in the U.S.

So, the question is, why? Why would the G—dated, cramped, space-inefficient, filled with mechanical and functional compromises, heavy as sin, with lousy gas mileage (12/14 miles per gallon, city/highway), and all for a low six figures—continue to hold an audience? Strike that: grow an audience? Mercedes-Benz has twice considered ending G-wagen production, only to go the other way because the orders keep coming in. At the moment, Mercedes is committed to G production until at least 2019.

Because it looks bad-ass, that's why—beyond that, reason fails us. The G has a reputation of being popular with criminal types—Russian mobsters, Chinese gangsters, Hollywood celebrities—and that makes some sense, since the G is big, blunt, intimidating and seemingly impervious. In matte black, the G63 looks like a four-wheeled assault rifle.

But I must say, in my perfect world, all bad guys would drive one. They'd be so easy to catch.

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