How far would you go to help a friend financially?

Posted 02/12/2009

I have a new friend; she's someone I've known 3.5 years, but only friends for the past couple months. I know many, many details about her life, which has been quite sad, actually. She has had troubled relationships...physically and emotionally abused by her mother as a child and adult, emotionally and financially abused by one former husband, financially and physically abused by yet another husband, physically abused by her older children. Her immediate problem is that she is in big debt, and I've needed to refer her to community services, such as the local food bank. I have bought her an expensive item for her business. I've also loaned her a large sum of money for collateral for her landlord at a new place where she is staying. I know that she is really struggling....for money for the basics (car payment, utilities, rent, and food). Meanwhile I'm about to embark on a vacation. Dh and I have 40-hour week jobs. She does not; she is self-employed. She suffers from depression...gee I wonder why.....with all the abuse in her life. It's not like I have not helped her out; I have given her tons of money and lots of my time. I don't know where to draw the line. I know I can still help, but how much help is reasonable? I do care about her a lot, and she says I'm her only friend....I'm not sure why I'm her only friend. But, she says she has not trusted anyone the way she has trusted me. She has always gone to her family for help....but her family and ex spouses have been the people who abuse her. She really doesn't have anywhere to turn.

Comments (4)

Last edited 02/12/2009

I think I might be willing to go a gift card...modest so she could buy newocks, underwear and such or for groceries.  I wouldn't loan any money, but if you feel you and dh want to...give a gift.

Can she afford meds for depression? 

You might want to consider a book about boundries...I've heard good things.

My family...parents and 1 sibling really live paycheck to paycheck, but we don't help them financially...but in ither little ways.



Annette     www.thissimplehome.com (homemaking, parenting, crafting, books)

Wife to Derek


Last edited 02/12/2009

I think this is the place to draw the line because you are asking if you should.  That tells me that your heart is telling me you've done all you can.  I, too, deal with mental health issues, but I am responsible enough to take care of them.  I know life has been tough for her, but as an adult, she needs to take responsibility for herself.  If she can't afford meds, there are places to get them for free, you just have to call the companies and prove that you can't afford them.  If she can't afford doctors, she can go to a clinic. 

I think it sounds like she has a history of relying on people too much, which is why so many people abuse her.  She thinks she "must" have them in order to survive because she can't do so on her own.  I think if you stop helping her, but show her how she can find the help she needs on her own.  This would be not only helping, but more importantly empowering her to meet her own needs.  Plus, drawing boundaries for yourself.



Proud mom to Skylar and Alexavier!

pocooso · Original Poster
Last edited 02/12/2009

Hi Alicia,

I know you recognize me from my posts on other boards, and I know you know I'm talking about the same person. I feel guilty and confused about this situation. Part of my confusion stems from whichever board I visit. On two boards, I was happy to have opinions of others, and I heard what I needed to hear, regardless of whether I agreed or not.  Then on another board, people had entirely different viewpoints more in line with my feelings and more suportive, and I was appreciative of their viewpoints as well. Here I am in search of the 'right' answer, and there never seems to be a right answer.

My husband and a good friend have told me to be careful about this situation, partly due to financial issues, but also for emotional health. Both say, "of course she's turned to you....because you are naturally compassionate by your nature," but she is mentally ill, and people in her condition can't necessarily be there for you in return when you need help. My husband says things are one-sided. Howvever, I do have a spiritual connection to this person that I do not have with anyone else. Every time I've helped, I've felt exceedingly blessed to be able to do that, and each time, I've felt that I've learned to be grateful for all that I have. For family, I think it is almost 'a given' that I would help out, so because it is not family, but instead another human being, it is special that I would go out of my way to help.

A friend has told me not to feel guilty for my upcoming vacation while this person is struggling to make ends meet. She says I've worked hard, have saved/budgeted really well, that I deserve this vacation, and everyone says it's not my fault that this person is in this situation because I never caused the problem. Even the person I want to help tells me it is not my problem that she has these problems. Ok, it's absolutely true that it is not my fault. But......the Good Samaritan did not keep walking by when the robbed and beaten person was on the ground; and in addition, the Good Samaritan gave extra money to the innkeeper, too. I think it is my problem.....when I know that she is struggling and when I do have financial resources. Granted....that money can go to my mortgage, to my kids' education fund, to my kids' school, etc.....but I never tithe; I don't even go to church. But....maybe helping this one person could be my way of indirect tithing.

I think if there were a way for her to get her medications, she would have them.....but she doesn't always have them. She has explained her situation....but still, there are roadblocks to appropriate medical care. Even on a sliding scale....she does get care on a sliding scale, things are still unaffordable.


Last edited 02/13/2009

Actually, I didn't recognize your screen name, but figured this might be the same.  All I will say is that you keep asking and asking, but whenever someone tells you that yes, your gut is right, and you need to stop helping this person, you respond with all the reasons you can't/shouldn't.  Yet, you still keep asking if you should.  This really tells me you should.  And now you're to the point where you feel guilty for going and having a good time with your husband or family because of this woman?  That is most definitely not a healthy relationship either way.

It is almost seeming to me that you, too, have become too dependent on her.  You are relying on her in ways that are not healthy, like feeling like you have to help her so you can feel good about yourself, and when you're not doing that, you're not healthy.

I am telling you, knowing all that you've told, that this is not a healthy relationship all around, and that it needs to end or be adjusted seriously.  Also, the fact that you and your dh are discussing it/arguing over it is also not a good thing.



Proud mom to Skylar and Alexavier!

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