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Presidential Pep-Talk


You got to love the president more than chilled champagne after an unexpected upgrade on a nonstop to Rome. He spoke to the nation the other day in yet one more attempt to explain for the umpteenth time why it is absolutely imperative that Congress signs over to him the unconditional authority to invade Iraq, and invade it right now, dammit. But only if he wants to. If he decides to wait, which, who knows, he might, that's got to be okay as well.

Bush's address was excruciatingly slow and haltingly precise -- I'm positive it was an attempt to demonstrate how solemn and earnest he is, but I got to tell you, it looked less like executive gravitas and more like a methadone funk. Every time he paused for dramatic effect, I was afraid he was going to nod out on the podium and start drooling on the teleprompter.

And yeah, you could say his theme was familiar. You could also say the plots of "According to Jim" are thin. And Goya had some Catholic issues. At least the dialogue was user friendly: "Don't you folks get it already? Saddam Hussein is not a nice man. He's been bad, he is now bad, and in the future, he's not going to get good. He's just a bad man." No matter how you feel about Boy George, you've got to give it to him: he doesn't understand the meaning of the word "quit."

Although, I'm kind of guessing there might be a couple more words he's a mite unfamiliar with: like "nuclear," since he keeps pronouncing it "nukular," and to be perfectly honest, I'm not altogether certain he's clear on the concept of the definition of coalition. "Either you're with us or you're evil." That's not an invitation to start consolidating the building blocks of a coalition. That's the welcoming speech at a Chinese re-education camp.

And its not like there aren't other things to worry about these days such as THE ECONOMY, STUPID! There's a dockworkers strike, consumer confidence is lower than the ratings for "Push, Nevada" and every time he speaks, the Dow drops like an anvil in pudding. But it doesn't seem to matter. He's turned into President Rainman before our very eyes. "Mr. Bush, what do you think about the sniper attacks in Maryland?" "Iraq. Yeah, definitely Iraq. I'm an excellent invader. Ask my dad."

Will Durst is a political comedian who lives in San Francisco and is an excellent tipper.