TMC: I let my daughter go to a co-ed sleepover


kids in nightgowns and sleeping capsLet me start by saying this is something I would NEVER do — let my daughter attend a co-ed sleepover.

But, True Mom Confession: When my teenage daughter was invited to a sleepover recently that included a gay friend who is a boy, I hesitated for a moment. Then I let her go.

My daughter will go to college next year where I won’t be asked permission for these sorts of things. I don’t even want to know.

What is your policy on co-ed sleepovers? A do or a don’t? Does sexual orientation matter?


Categories: Teens and tweens
Tracy Ormsbee

14 Responses

  1. Jeanne says:

    The word that best desribes parents who allow their teens to attend co-ed sleepopvers is “grandma/grandpa.” The purpoted sexual orientation of the partygoers is immaterial. There is a line that has to be drawn between parenting and being your teens friend and this is the place to draw it. You cannot control what happens in college, but you sure can now.

  2. ann says:

    A teenage co-ed sleep-over????? Nah, it sounds like you made the right choice. You have met the boy, right?

    I had no curfew throughout my senior year in college. It was a safe bet for my folks since 1. I no longer had a boyfriend 2. I was very sheltered so I’d hang out at Denny’s or Subway where a friend worked the late shift with my friends so it wasn’t like I would get into any trouble.3. If you looked up Goody Two Shoes in the dictionary, you’d see my picture.

  3. KLG says:

    As a child, I always thought it was stupid that boys couldn’t come to our sleep overs. Growing up, we had a really close male friend who was bullied by guys in school. He was left out of a lot of our activities as a result of old, useless beliefs. It wasn’t fair for him to be cut off.

    This feeling of the need to separate children by sex is so unbelievably outdated that it is embarrassing. People really need to get with the times. The more that children interact with people who are the opposite gender-the better.

    Get with the times or get out of the way.

  4. KBC says:

    My gay son went to a sleep over at a friends house. The friends female cousin was also spending the night. She had always had a thing for my son. They had sex. It happens.

  5. lizzie2 says:

    1. As a doting grandparent, the above response is a bit offensive because we are known to have more rules at our house than our kids do at theirs. 2. Our granddaughter also has a friend who is gay and because this issue may arise this summer, we will discuss this with her parents as well as his before we make a decision.

  6. Kelly says:

    NO co-ed sleepovers is the rule at our home too.

  7. C.Daurio says:

    My daughter is a senior and almost 18, she has attended a couple of these sleepovers. They were after some type of event and all the kids went back to someone’s house with parents home and stayed over in seperate rooms. I have called and spoken with these parents ahead of time.
    I agree in 4 months she will be in college where I have no idea where everyone will be sleeping. She could of not asked me and told me she was staying somewhere else instead.
    At some point you have to cut the cord and hope that what you have taught them has been enough.

  8. ann says:

    #4 and that would be why my parents wouldn’t have let me go to one…

    #3 and #4 bring up good points about gender issues. If you had a gay teenage son or daughter would they be allowed to go to sleep overs co-ed or otherwise? I hadn’t thought about how isolating that can be. I do have a gay cousin but he was always so anti-social and uncomfortable around other kids until high school. In his case, high school was when he became social and confident. I don’t know what rules my uncle had but I imagine they did have co-ed sleepovers.

    As someone else pointed it, I think it does depend on the maturity of the kids involved.

    If they are going to have sex, they’ll have it regardless of what parents do, but you also don’t want to make it too easy for them.

  9. Francine says:

    I would definitely say “No” to co-ed sleepovers. Even when one of my sons was in his late 20′s and he and a girlfriend had been living together for 5 years, he knew the same “house rules” apply – separate bedrooms for male and female. I never had an issue with any of my children regarding sleeping arrangements because they respected their parents.

  10. Miss Erin says:

    Tough one…this depends a lot on maturity and etc in addition to age. But yes, I do think sexual orientation is a significant element to factor into the decision making process.

  11. not so perfect parent says:

    It depends on your child. Sexual orientation makes no difference. Like with almost every parenting question there is no absolute answer.

  12. Kelly says:

    Sexual Orientation makes ABSOLUTELY no difference in these choices. It should be based on you and your child. My daughter (who is now 22) went to coed sleepovers and was allowed to have them in our home because I trusted my daughter to behave in a respectful way and I trusted/expected her friends to behave the same way. A “no sex” conversation was had from the very beginning, with everyone. They never let me down. Sleepovers from the start are a priviledge and something that all kids look forward to. Let them enjoy hanging out with their friends no matter if they are boys or girls but, talk to them about what your rules are and what you expect the behavior to be from everyone involved. My 14 year old has the same rules and priviledges.

  13. Kathleen says:

    I had a co-ed sleepover when I was in high school…we got to set up tents in the backyard. Boys in one tent, girls in the other. We knew sex wasn’t allowed — and frankly, with three boys in one tent and five girls in the other, nobody had any interest! No privacy! But also, we were all well-behaved teenagers. We knew the rules. We were there for a fun birthday party. Our interest was in staying up late playing games and eating candy, not having sex.
    It’s all about knowing your kids, knowing their friends, and raising them well.

  14. maggie says:

    If a child is gay, doesn’t seem that the “one sex only rule” reduces the chance of sex….