Road rage: Some Christmas ‘goodies' for those on the road

With Christmas Day approaching, I'll fall into the seasonal pattern and give a few "gifts" to those intelligence-challenged drivers who create a nuisance for us all.

From Santa's gift bag:

-- An ever-burning candle for those drivers who either never signal their intentions or parade down the highway with one turn signal on. You need this candle, believe me.

-- A sheriff's patrol car for those souls who whisk in, out and around traffic at speeds that can only be described as dangerous. Much as children once enjoyed seeing a model of a famous oil company's tanker under the Christmas tree, you need to see the flashing lights of a deputy's car. Really.

-- Decals and paint for those unmarked law enforcement vehicles. Yes, we know that enforcement is important, but the subterfuge of no markings at all just puts everyone at risk. I hate to criticize law enforcement (their job is difficult enough as it is), but such cars ultimately are not worth the effort. The worst idea is the one where someone says something like, "We can catch more offenders because drivers don't do bad things when they see a patrol car." Gee. Duh. Get a clue?

-- Artificial intelligence for the car, just like satellite radio. With this feature, you won't drive too slow in the fast lane; too fast in the slow lane; and you'll know where you are going (so you won't have to gaze back and forth as if you've never seen a convenience store in your life). Much of this is possible now, depending on your intelligence or embrace of technology — can you say GPS or MapQuest?

-- A candy cane for patience in work zones. Yes, we all have to deal with highway projects. Yet, competition for a lane or merging is moving from a spectator sport (OK, so a sport with at least one finger in the air) to one where you intentionally block another vehicle. Bad, bad and bad. Take a candy cane and enjoy the holidays; just don't make everyone's life miserable by making a competition on the highway.

-- Finally, the coal in the stocking for those who are old enough to understand what "coal in the stocking" means, is for impaired drivers.

Each year local, state and national law enforcement organizations plead for drivers not to get behind the wheel if they are impaired (OK, it is drunk or high for those without a dictionary), yet thousands die each year when some impaired fool does the foolish deed and winds up another statistic.

My biggest rage today remains: don't drive if you are not sober and competent. It is easy to understand, but apparently most difficult to achieve.

Funny, but I think of the lives lost each year in something that can end this second if everyone just used a little common sense. Maybe common sense is just what everyone needs.

Happy holidays!