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a show for you tonight. my guest tonight new york city police commissioner ray kelly is going to join us. and after the show, directly after the show, he and i are going to go on the roof of this building and we're going to summon batman. only the police commissioner knows how to do. that you shine a light and then -- [laughter] as you know, kind of a funny thing happened in this year's presidential election amidst the worst economy in decades, high unemployment and a steep spiritual decline, the country chose not a self made and virtuous patriot to heal our woes -- [laughter] -- but the same foreign-born socialist tyrant who created all of our woes. [ laughter ] how did republicans lose this eminently winnable presidential race? the republican party has a serious messaging problem. >> i think our messaging has not been very strong. >> the messaging was bad. >> jon: messaging. [ laughter ] if only people knew what the republicans were about, what the republicans need is some kind of 24-hour a day seven day a week perpetual messaging refinement and distribution resource, preferly one clos

♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ to ♪ in the city in the city of santa monica sant ♪ lots of rich people ich e ♪ giving change to the homeless ♪omeless - change?c - ♪ in the city - ♪ city of brentwood - ♪ in the city ♪ they take really good care ♪ ♪ of all their homeless ir - they're listening! let's go! ♪ - ♪ in the city ity ♪ - ♪ marina del rey ♪ they're so nice to the homeless ♪meless ♪ build 'em porta-potties - they're--they're leading them away!they' - we're gonna be all right! we'r - ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ - ♪ california an ♪ a orn ne ♪ in the city ♪ city of venice ♪ right by matt's house ous♪ ♪ you can chill if you're homeless ♪ou'rhm ♪ - ugh! - yes! that's three homeless!e hol suck on that! that ! [bleep], yeah! - honestly, i don't know what you see in this, kyle.eawhy captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.comtral from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the dail

out of this hellhole city. i hate it here so much. but then i realized, me and my dog were part of that crackhead's conversation later on about his horrible night out. he was like, "i gotta get the hell outta this city. you're not gonna-- listen to this [bleep]. so earlier, me and blue nipples go down the 50th street grime tunnel, right? he's gonna give me one of his patented dry-tongued, four-toothed blow jobs for what he thinks is a ziploc baggie of crack, although what i done-- i cut up a bar of ivory soap, 'cause nothing feels better than cheating my only friend out of fellatio, right? yeah, so, ah, i have fun. so anyway... i'm as hard as a towel rack, and some recently showered, well-dressed ass[bleep] and his small, well-behaved dog come down the goddamn grime tunnel. the dog starts taking a dump not ten feet from where i am. i go half soft. i dribble my chemically poisoned [bleep] all over the keds i stole off that blind black kid. i gotta get the [bleep] outta this city. it robs you of your goddamn humanity!" thank you, seattle! [cheers and applause] thank you so much. t

-fi in inner cities. [audience laughter] see you next week. good night. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it -- stephen] [cheers and applause] yes! [cheers and applause] welcome. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you, friends. [cheers and applause] folks, ladies and gentlemen, with an army like you at my back, i'm ready to go to battle any day of the week. [cheers and applause] and it's time to march again because there's no getting around it, folks we've got to talk about it. last night's state of the union address. big whup-iditdo. what type of narcissistic jerk expects people to tune in to hear a room full of people mindlessly cheer him. [cheers and applause] it is pathetic. [ laughter ] who here smokes pot? [cheers and applause] now, folks, i don't know why i subject myself to last night's socialist stroke job because it was more of the same old, same old new ideas. it was nothing but a not

guest tonight made a new documentary called sound city. now he's about to sit down at the studios and record some of the greatest interviews. please welcome dave grohl. [cheers and applause] hey, dave. nice to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: how are you been? last time you saw you we were hanging out in the white house together. >> that's usually where we bump into each other. >> stephen: that's what we do. >> you wouldn't imagine i would be let into the white house. >> stephen: you were fantastic, incredible for the kennedy center honors rocking led zeppelin. >> i was. >> stephen: drummer for nirvana, lead of the f.a.o. fighters but -- foo fighters now you are a document dlrks arian. you sold millions of copies of nirvana never mind alone. why not phone it in and get fat? >> i decided to make this movie because the studio where we made nirvana's never mind was closing. that studio changed my life. when we went there we were there for 16 days and those 16 days that we made that record, never mind completely changed my life. >> stephen: that's the name of the movie c

at the center of a plit conversation when at half time during a football game tragedy in kansas city. >> right jon: with the football player who killed himself and then his girlfriend. you spoke of a gun culture >> right jon: and... quoted jason whitt lock a columnist from kansas city and now writes for the fox sports website who never mentioned the second amendment or gun control but talked about a gun culture which i do believe exists. it's an attitude toward guns. obviously i think any sane person believes that we ought not to have high capacity magazines and assault rifles and that there ought to be background checks. you should be in a country where 40% of the gun purchases are done without a background check, where it's so easy to circumvent the existing laws. we can tighten all that stuff up without repealing the second amendment >> jon: how do you define it very quickly? >> you know what? i'm not exactly sure what sane is, but i know a lot of what i heard in the after math is insane >> jon: what did it feel like to be in the epicenter of i guess you became the polarizing magnet in the

the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of blinding bright light said to have the power of an atomic bomb. >> its reminded me of action movies like-term nateor 4 this witness said. >> stephen: yes, this fireball was just like "terminator 4 " except people saw it. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, the earth is under attack from giant space rocks. the dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead. [laughter] now, all weekend i was down in the bunker watching these incredible youtube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. it's actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exploding. [cheers and applause] why is there so much video of the meteor? for the answer, let's go to the video. >> a majority of this footage was recorded purely by chance. captured by small, dash-mounted cameras that are now the latest fad among russian car owners. motorists have turned to dash cams for self-protection, visual proof to fend off charges from possibly corrupt police officers and from insurance sca

care jon: i appreciate that. now, you're playing a new york city cop on your show. you're doing a show about boston cops. i feel like you are getting ready to pull some [bleep] on the east coast. >> i think i've been already pulling some [bleep] on the east coast for the last few years. playing a new york cop and being from boston is very, very delicate. it's very delicate. and the writers on blue blood, you know, they love to needle me because they know i'm a celtics, red sox, bruins, patriots fan. >> jon: that's all the time we have for tonight. thank you for being here though. >> but, you know, they write lines for me like "the patriots suck." >> jon: just to taunt you my partner was date ago guy who was a patriots' fan. my only response was dump the jerk. they constantly are needling me besides the fact that the patriots lost the super bowl and they had to come back from the super bowl trying to everyone on set putting posters on my dressing room door and giants' banners everywhere and pictures of eli manning >> jon: i have that in my room too but it's different. i have a bed sprea

.c., i was leading a system where 8% of the 8th graders in the city schools were operating on grade level in mathematics when i got there. yet when i looked at the performance evaluations of the adults at the same time 98% of them were being written as doing an excellent job. you can't run an effective organization when you have that kind of a disconnect between, you know, what people are supposed to be doing and the results that we're producing for kids. now i think that without a doubt today's teacher evaluation system are broken. there's a move now to fix them. a lot of teachers are worried about the use of test scores and whether that is fair or not. i think that what we've got to do is focus on the system that does... is fair and transparent for teachers but at the same time does hold folks accountable for the academic growth we see with kids >> jon: this is interesting. from any of the conversations i have with teachers they all talk about the frustrations that they have with this idea of the test being the all mighty word. that there is a math and reading metric that is established

] welcome. welcome to the papal speculatro where we take you down to paradise city, where the smoke is white and girls are not permitted. let's look where you find catholics in the world. this area. [laughter] now, the early favorite is the archbishop of milan angelo scola until john paul ii italians held the papacy for 50 0 years. it was the ultimate dynasty like the yankees only with less money. cardinal mark ouelette is a major front runner with one problem: he's a canadian. p.m. saying, i don't think god wants you to use a condom, aye, won't work. who wants a pope with a staff like this. [ laughter ] some are brgt on a third world pope like ghana's peter turkson who would be the first block pope of 1500 years sending a message of inclusion and virtually guaranteeing tyler perry's madea goes to rome. [cheers and applause] hello. hello. [laughter] folks, i say it's high time we had an american pope. [cheers and applause] after all -- [cheers and applause] after all, god is an american. that's why the intiebl in english. [ laughter ] and there's a great candidate. >> timothy dolan is the m

are the theoretical physicists know about actual asteroids? >> well, we look at the evidence. in 1908 we had a city that fell on sigh beera, wiped out 830 square miles of siberian real estate. >> stephen: the tungasta event. >> that's right. it could have happened last week. it scimed the earth. we dodged a bullet and then another asteroid hit russia. and if that meteor was delayed by two or three seconds, it would have been a ground burst rather than an air burst and at 40,000 miles per hour do the math it's 20 hero sheema bombs. -- her -- hiroshima bombs. >> stephen: i'm happy do you the math. how often is this happen something in. >> we didn't have large metropolises hundreds of years ago, we had fishing vil yanlz they hit the earth before. we were oblivious, blissfully unaware that we had near misses and actual collisions with objects about the size of an apartment building. these are city buses. and then we have a nation buster which is going to come grazing past the earth and may even hit the earth. that's called the asteroid apofet. it's ten times bigger than the asteroid that scimed the ear

exceptional candidates will come to new york city for the biggest interview of their lives for a chance to land a dream job at one of america's finest companies. >> stephen: you heard them-- a dream job, like an editorial assistant position with "cosmopolitan." [laughter] that's right, "the" an editorial assistant. [laughter] this pioneering form of desper-tainment is sure to be such a hit, other networks are sure to have spinoffs, like "meal or no meal," [laughter] "americans, idle," and "are you more employable than a fifth grader?" [laughter] so congratulations, cbs, for bravely turning america's unemployment problem into america's entertainment solution. and with one hire per show, "the job" should run for 12.3 million episodes. whraf laugh >> stephen: stephen, welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] nation, i play many roles in my family: i'm a father, i'm a husband, but most importantly, i'm a commuter. [laughter] and my car is one of the places people look to me to set an example. if somebody cuts me

briefly because he's got to be up in like two hours. big news from vatican city tonight. >> pope benedict xvi announcing he is stepping down as leader of the catholic church. >> jon: popes can do that? i assumed the papacy was like a lifetime commitment like being in the mob or being a correspondent on "60 minutes." in any case we'll bring you full team coverage of the pope's resignation in "holy quit." how is it going with that popey changey thing? now, the pope has issued a statement citing the growing toll of his advanced age leaving him ill suited for his ministry. but popes usually don't retire until they are called back to the home office. this hasn't happened in 600 years. the obvious question would be... >> what does a retired pope do? 's a retired pope to do? do retired popes do? jon: i'm not a religious scholar but if i know anything about retired people probably the same as what they all do. ♪ what do you mean what does he do? he's an 85-year-old. what does he do? he sits on his porch in a track suit and wrap-around sunglasses and he yells at the neighbor's kids. maybe he put

is jon stewart. boy do we have one for you tonight. we're here live from the great city of tampa. no that was -- [cheers and applause] good memories. just good memories. we have a great one for you tonight. our guest fawzia koofi, an incredible woman, running to be president of afghanistan. you heard me right, woman, afghanistan, presidency. very excited to be speaking to hemple incredible story. we're going to turn to one of our favorite nights of year. hot off the presses one day old expanded coverage of last night's state of the union address. president barack obama hits the floor for some reason with republican congressman eric cantor in tow in no way making this seem like a charismatic star performer walking the red carpet with his agent. baby doll we gotta move. mario lopez has a satellite window we have to him. [laughter] [cheers and applause] i'm sore i'm -- sorry. just sweat age bit. i'm just going to, just going to -- get something to drink here. [laughter] just so thirsty i can't -- sorry. should have drank something before the show. i don't know why i didn't think aft

to participate in the life of their city. >> stephen: if that is so important and effective why are you at the top of government why not resign and become one of groundlings you say it's going to change the world. >> it's not about those in office. >> stephen: right, it's not about you. you got it. >> stephen: why do i have you on the show then? >> i'm a conduit opening up government being less prescriptive. >> stephen: let's talk about california. i don't trust the state completely because you have a bear on your flag. [laughter] california was a golden land of opportunity. >> yes, it did. >> stephen: now it's a degreing dust bowl of debt where education isn't free anymore and people are fleeing. it's got a smaller population than wyoming at this point. what happened to california. >> we just submitted a balanced budget for the first time in ten years. >> stephen: by jacking the taxes on guys like me. >> which show surpluses over the next four years if we continue to be fiscally prudent. california is finally turning the corner. don't give up with a state well more venture caple and pa

now that's a tough joke, new york city -- makes that thing about drowning a baby look like "knock knock," right? and audiences everywhere, whether they're being televised or not, always have a problem with that joke, and they're always like, "hold on a second, anthony. clearly, you're brilliant." [ laughter ] "but we've got concerns about you as a human being." [ laughter, cheers and applause ] yeah. "are you really like this offstage? do you really do these things you joke about?" and right here, guys, i always draw a line, and i say, "no, of course not." 99% of these, i just make up... 'cause i'm clever." [ laughter ] but that last one, oh, i did that twice... [ laughter ] ...to the same guy. [ laughter and applause ] you guys have been great. this next joke is gonna be my last joke, and i don't think i'm giving anything away here when i tell you it's amazing. [ laughter ] good news, everybody. my little brother was just awarded his black belt in tae kwon do. [ laughter, cheers and applause ] yeah. thank you. he'll be happy to hear that. and the entire family was really proud of

. the guy in the car is completely unimpressed by a death rock hurling towards the city. is everyone in russian society just that jaded? >> motorists have turned to dash cams for self protection. visual proof to fend off charges from possibleibly corrupt police officers and from insurance scammers who often stage accidents like this one captured here. >> jon: oh, my god. oh, my god, that man needs help. get him to ensemble studio theater stat. he needs 300cc's of actor-all. [ laughter ] i think what we seem to be learning is that russians in the course of their everyday lives see so much crazy (bleep) they've become unphasable. they've long been accustom to the fact that the average russian car can easily be torn apart by your average russian woman. i want bumper. [ laughter ] put cheese on, eat. mmmmm. i mean this typical roadside scene two drivers confront each other with a baseball bat and yes, that is a hatchet. [ laughter ] russia is like a live action grand theft auto. [ laughter ] if there's a surprising part of the video is that those gentlemen arrived at some sort of agreeme

town or city in this country are typically the best paid c.e.o.s in town if it's a small town. >> jon: now, what you found is very little correlation between what they charge you and what things cost. >> exactly right. >> why should there be? if you buy shoes, a rich guy like you buying a $200 pair -- >> jon: sure. let me say this timberland's don't come cheap. >> no, i know. you go to a store and want to buy shoes. >> jon: that's right. >> instead of $200 the guy says that is $6,000. you can decide not to buy the shoes. better yet you can go up the block and see if they have a different price. none of that happens with health care. you are an involuntary entering to the marketplace. you don't wake up and say i want to go to the emergency room and see what is for sale. >> jon: maybe i'll visit a few and see the best place to get my april district mi -- appendectomy? >> right. there's no marketplace in the most important sense of the definition does the buyer have any power at all. the buyer doesn't buy voluntarily. they have no idea what the price is and if the buyer did have any idea

york city and didn't realize blackface was offensive. we're jernd by jessica williamss on flatbush avenue in new york right now. thank you for joining us. jessica. what do you think? >> outrage. jon, it's one more example of the politcally correct war on purim. >> jon: did you say there's a war on purim? >> hell yeah there is. this is a low-down dirty stunt. >> jon: how is this a same for purim. >> the way this man denigrates purim it's the fourth or fif. >> jon: keep going. >> it's the seventh, tenth most important jewish holiday there is. >> jon: around there. >> it's to be celebrated with costumes and heros in the ancient badel. >> jon: respect. >> and he trivializes it by dressing up like a basketball player. at what point do the book ofester do the harlem globe trotters show up. >> jon: in my day we dressed as the characters in the story. yourester youred move to dmorded haimis. >> are you doing do that every time. >> he went in where is the booz? >> jon: you are surprisingly knowledgable about this. >> yes, well. >> jon: do you feel like we're losing the reason for the purim

, daytime tv and "sex and the city," "bridezilla," you know? like all that stuff, "nip/tuck," whatever it is you're watching, that they start believing that life is very dramatic. like, entertainment that's geared towards women is very dramatic. every scene is a drama. you know what i mean? and life isn't hard. it's very easy. you eat, you sleep, you do it. and that's it. it's like at any given time, this music is playing in a woman's head. ready? [ dramatic music plays ] [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] and they're not always like that. women aren't always like that. just if you catch them in the wrong mood, they're like that. [ laughter ] and the littlest talk can go so south, you know? she'd be like, "owen." i'd be like, "yo." she's like, "are you hungry?" i'm like, "no." she's like, "where did you eat?" [ dramatic music plays ] [ laughter ] i'm like, "i ate at wendy's." she's like, "wendy's? ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." [ laughter ] "who the hell is wendy?! who the hell?!" so then i took a picture of that, and i keep it. all right, i'm owen benjamin. [ cheers and applause ] thank y

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