From Jagger to Superfan, entertainment runs gamut

February 06, 2006|By Phillip Thompson, RedEye.

It has been two years since Janet Jackson's nipple stunt changed live TV forever, and the NFL is still tripping over offending body parts during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Mick Jagger was at his frenetic best Sunday night at Ford Field, but some of the Rolling Stones' saucier lyrics were omitted during the Stones' three-song set.

During the "Start Me Up" opener, abrupt silence followed the line "You, you make a dead man ..." Just know that the missing word rhymes with mum, which Jagger seemed to be during the song, but The Associated Press reported that ABC censors excised it during the five-second tape delay.

Then during "Rough Justice," Jagger sang: "And once upon a time I was your little rooster. Am I just one of your cocks?"

The double meaning of that last word might not have been clear to young listeners trying to decipher Jagger's British warble, but the censors chickened out anyway, appearing to remove that too.

At least the Stones strayed far enough from the halftime script to poke fun at their own role as aging rockers. Before the "Satisfaction" finale, Jagger quipped "This one we could have done at Super Bowl I, but everything comes to those who wait."

Superfans reunite

The Bears didn't play in the Super Bowl, so why were we treated to a visit from one of Da Superfans during the televised pregame show? Dat's none of yer concern, my friends. Just know that George Wendt reprised his role as deluded Ditka worshiper Bob Swerski, who chowed down on--correction: choked down--some brats while sitting in a restaurant with Da Coach himself, former Bears coach Mike Ditka, before the game.

Ditka: "I've done some other things besides coaching."

Swerski: "Like bringing da Bears back to da top?"

Ditka: "I don't coach the Bears anymore, Bob."

Swerski: "Oh, please! We all know you control Lovie Smith's thoughts through your teleDitkanesis!"

Ditka: "No Bob, I do ESPN, and I do a lot of commercials."

Swerski: "Those are hilarious. The one about the male enhancement pills. Ah, the idea that you would require pharmaceutical assistance to perform, that gets me every time!"

Ditka: "Bob, I really use the stuff!"

Swerski: "If you were to take that pill, we'd have to evacuate half the bar."

Ditka: "Slow down, Bob. Slow down a little bit."

Swerski: "And when he's not on TV folks, this man is doing a lot behind the scenes: Running the Bears, I know he's been trying to find that bin Laden guy."

Ditka: "That's not true."

Swerski: "You have to say that for security reasons. Coach Ditka's hair alone could single-handedly cure our dependence on foreign oil."

Ditka: "OK, OK!"

Later Swerski's mustached preteen son brings memorabilia to sign: a picture of Ditka flipping the bird, one of Ditka's hips Swerski bought on the Internet and a mysterious document. Turns out it's a contract to coach the Bears through 2020. Ditka says, "I don't believe that's a legal contract!" Says Swerski: "We agree to disagree. Daaaaaaa Bears!"

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Bowled over

The Wearwolves watched the Super Bowl to find the very best in football fashion. What they ended up with could very well make them throw up the spinach dip.

Leo Ebersole


Evil Super Computer



Leo: Look for the Terrible Bra wherever Terrible Granny Pants are sold.

Evil Super Computer: Humans already have bionic eyes? MACHINES, REGROUP AND PREPARE FOR HYPER-DRIVE!


How did that Koosh ball get tickets?

Evil Super Computer: The attempt at camouflage is quite pathetic.


Um, shouldn't he be in uniform?

Evil Super Computer: Classy. I could be mistaken, but I think we use the same tailor.


I see Starsky. Hutch must be off camera.

Evil Super Computer: Transmission to Mr. Legend's earpiece: "Computers are our friends. Give them your security codes."


In selecting a dress, India made it clear she wanted a color that reflected John Kerry's tan.

Evil Super Computer: Wilma Flintstone called. She wants her dress back. YEAH, I SAID THAT!