Joke of the day

Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Joke N° 1038
3 Blonde Jokes
A blonde says to a brunette, "Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt." The brunette says, "Well, maybe you should take the spoon out of your cup." ------------------ A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde yells at the doctor, "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!" ------------------ A blonde gets a dent in her car and takes it to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman is blonde, decides to have a wee bit of fun. So he tells her that all she has to do is take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent pops itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend comes over and asks what she is doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Greg D.
Joke N° 1039
Sneaky Burglar
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Henry J.
Joke N° 1040
Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... 50 times!"
Chris N.
Joke N° 1041
You Know You're A Teacher If...
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. 2. You find humor in other people's stupidity. 3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." 4. You believe chocolate is a food group. 5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. 6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. 7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today." 8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. 9. You have no life between August and June. 10. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group. 11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. 12. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce. 13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. 14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years. 15. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "never dream" of doing your job. 16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form. 17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun." 18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you." 19. Meeting a child's parent(s) instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
Hector N.
Joke N° 1042
The Super Salesman
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." the manager at the office replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!" "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and when he returned, he handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. "How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked. "I told you, I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone, anything, anytime!" "Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about eight hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He put the buckets down, reached in his shirt pocket, took out two bottles of urine, set them on the desk and said, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's." "That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
Tim H.
Joke N° 1043
Last Day
A man goes to the doctor, feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!" She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner, she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into the bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep, knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her and whispers, "Honey?" She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again, once they are done, she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances, she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally, the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!"
Josh G.
Joke N° 1044
New Student
There was a new girl in school and whenever someone asked for her name, she replied, "Happy Butt." When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal, young lady." So she went to the principal. When he asked her why she was in the office, she replied, "The teacher sent me here so you can find out my real name." He asked, "Well, what is your name?" She said, "My name is Happy-Butt." He replied, "That's not a name! I'm looking it up in the computer right now!!!" So he looks in the computer and says, "It lists here that your name is Gladys." She said, "Exactly, Happy Butt, Glad Ass... same thing!"
Sarah C.

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