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My son uses my arm as a pacifier. Should I be concerned?

Overconcerned? Relax. Weird? Not in a million years. Me laughing? Overjoyed with laughter! I love hearing a story like this where a very inventive papa tried everything he could think of to answer the needs of his child until something worked.
You need a big pat on the back and lots of hugs! I'm sure you're already getting smiles from your little guy—there's nothing better than to have him look up into your eyes and peacefully go to sleep. You are getting a rare chance to enjoy one of the most rewarding aspects that we mothers who nurse our babes get to feel—loved, happy, warm, and secure, knowing that our child is getting the very best of care while in our arms.

That said, I would like to make a few observations and offer some food for thought. Babies have a strong and intense need to be with their mothers in the early years. This need is as intense as their need for food. What your son experienced was not only an abrupt weaning from breastfeeding, but a long and unprepared separation from his primary caregiver. At your son's age, when Mom leaves the room, even for 5 minutes, Mom is gone forever. His actions—refusing the pacifier and bottle of formula, unconsolable crying, screaming, and kicking—were his ways of telling you how horribly unhappy he was and about his inability to adjust or cope. If Mom finds herself in this situation again, I would suggest some advance preparation. Express and store some breast milk so that baby isn't forced to drink artificial infant milk.

Mom can and should continue to pump while away to maintain her milk supply. Many hotels provide refrigerators or will store it for her. Some mothers express-ship their milk on dry ice back home. It can be done. Be creative! Another thought would be for Mom to take some of those frequent flyer miles she is accummulating and take you along with her on these trips. Children fly free until age 2. Stay in one of those "suite" hotels where you can prepare meals, go swimming, and relax because a housekeeper comes in to clean up every day! The new, exciting environment and sightseeing you will be able to do will be very stimulating for your baby. He may earn the nickname "world traveler" in a few years. Now that's a novel idea!

If a long separation is unavoidable, as was the case for your wife's career, do some advance preparations. As the day approaches for Mom's departure, dad can begin to take over some of the childcare that Mom would normally do on her days off. You are already caring for your son while Mom is away for the day. Perhaps have Mom video herself reading a story to your son or talking and singing to him, and play these things back to him over the course of her trip. If seeing her on the tube upsets him, maybe Mom can record her voice on an audio cassette while reading some of your son's favorite storybooks. Before Mom leaves, try playing back the video/audio tape to your son to see how he reacts. If it turns out to be too stressful for him, you'll know it before she leaves.

Lastly, we all need to do what feels right for ourselves and our family. You found a wonderful way of helping your son cope with this abrupt and long separation. On a positive note, Mom should be able to maintain the breastfeeding relationship for as long as your son continues to nurse. Enjoy and cherish arm-feeding that little guy!

Lest you think it ends here, forget it! I have not encountered a situation such as yours in my years working with breastfeeding families, so I presented your question to other lactation consultants, healthcare professionals, nursing mothers, and others involved in breastfeeding research. Here are some of the replies I received:

Chanita, BSc, RN, IBCLC: "I don't find this weird! Baby knew that Dad and formula were not what he wanted, but he learned to 'make do' until Mom came back."

Lisa Holstein, mother-at-home, Columbus/Ft. Benning, Georgia: "Personally, I feel that the father should be proud of himself for being able (and willing) to answer his son's needs. From his son's perspective, it seems to me that he wanted the warmth, scent, and security that are all tied in with a mother breastfeeding her child."

Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D., Anthropology Department, Texas A&M University and co-editor of the book, Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives: "Tell Dad to stop worrying. It's rare, but not unheard of, for the occassional man in a variety of cultures to pacify the baby this way."

Jill Fisher, lay breastfeeding counselor: "He's not doing anything wrong, and his son will eventually wean from this just as all babies wean from the breast."

Carol Brussel, lay breastfeeding counselor: "It seems that a terrible emergency (from the baby's point of view) was averted, at least in part, by the father feeling comfortable enough about this solution and recognizing the baby's need."

Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC, and mother of two teenage sons: "I think this is a portrait of a caring, flexible, insightful father. He needn't worry that his son is going to want to suck on his arm forever; children don't nurse forever."

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