Miller: Shoot, it's almost time to leave Russia

2014-02-22 10:34:23

ADLER, Russia – I like biathlon.

There, I said it.

But I’ve always been drawn to sports where the athletes are well conditioned, well trained and well armed.

There’s just something intriguing about any game that features, right in the middle, bullets flying. Must be. Otherwise, why would anyone remain interested in the Raiders?

But a lot of the folks here don’t use guns, which shows you how unsophisticated Russians are. I mean, how else can someone properly express their road rage? Silly Russians.

The Cossacks quieted protesters in Sochi last week in a way rarely employed by the police back home. They whipped them.

Dmitry Kozak, the deputy prime minister of the Russian Federation, was asked Saturday if the ugly incident involving a well-known protest punk group overshadowed the Games.

“As for what needs to be done to make sure that the sporting competitions eclipsed the tricks pulled off by Pussy Riot,” Kozak said, his face somehow remaining straight enough that it could have been minted on a coin, “I think we have actually achieved that.”

And yet, who knows what these same crazed, hose-wielding authorities would have done if given a shot at the Russian men’s hockey team? Expectations slowed that bunch so much that even the U.S. speedskaters couldn’t believe how poorly Alex Ovechkin did.

Before the hockey tournament began, American defenseman Paul Martin was talking about the omnipresent Russian players when he said of Evgeni Malkin, “He has his picture on the Head & Shoulders shampoo around here.”

Sounds daunting, but Head & Shoulders used Josh Hamilton in commercials last season, and everyone knows how well that turned out for the Angels.

Kozak’s news conference also included his assertion that the $51-billion budget for these Games was not inflated by corruption. This claim likely will be disputed by detractors, once they stop wetting themselves from laughter.

There is a strong belief, particularly among outsiders, that the government in this country is criminal. Thankfully, we don’t have such problems in America, where we know we can trust all our politicians, even the ones on parole.

But here? When Anatoly Pakhomov ran for office in Sochi, his challengers included a KGB veteran accused of poisoning a fugitive secret-service officer, a ballerina famous for being dismissed by the Bolshoi for being overweight and a pornographic actress whose campaign included an ad featuring her on a Black Sea beach – topless.

Mercifully, Pakhomov won, proving the Russians at least understand the importance of having a mayor who generally is honorable, forthright and clothed.

President Vladimir Putin, now, he can go topless. Anyone who disagrees likely will receive a visit from the Cossacks, just as soon as they’re done raising welts in the name of peace.

Having been here all month, I’m starting to think that the whole $51-billion budget story could be just another misunderstanding. When it comes to the money in Russia, it takes some getting used to because the numbers are so large, almost comical.

You try paying for dinner for one using a bill that has a “1,000” on it without cringing. I know that, relative to the money we have in the U.S., the numbers on the currency here should be treated like the numbers on a Burger King coupon. But it’s still difficult to pay 150 anythings for one beer.

A Russian ruble today is worth roughly three American cents, meaning the pay toilet I just walked by costs about 40 cents per visit.

Yes, they still have pay toilets here and not just automated ones. This pay toilet had an attendant, a woman sitting behind a small rectangle of glass, collecting money like she was selling tickets at a movie theater.

I know this much, even though the price is affordable, that’s one double feature I won’t be seeing.

Anyway, the ATMs around Sochi dispense enormous bills, even though the little markets and neighborhood stores close by can’t break them. That’s why I’ve been carrying a 5,000-ruble note since the day I arrived.

I could use it, sure, if I needed to buy something like a car stereo or, maybe, a car to put it in. So I went into a bank today hoping to exchange my 5,000-ruble bill for bills small enough that I might actually be able to spend them.

Unfortunately, with the length of the lines, I figured I didn’t have enough time to complete such an involved transaction, given the amount of paperwork required just to buy a hot dog around here. So me and my lucky 5,000-ruble bill remain a team.

Maybe that’s why you never hear much about Russian banks being robbed. There’s just too much paperwork.

Or maybe it’s the way they discourage crime, everyone understanding the danger in trying to breach a security system this potent, one considered to be the gold medal standard.

No, not with the Cossacks and their whips, but with the Olympians and their arms. Those rifle-toting biathletes have to keep busy when the Games aren’t going on, you know.

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