Hair-raising confusion in chamber as smooth Dave strikes out at Ed

House in uproar over public sector strikes as prime minister and opposition leader struggle over how to respond
David Cameron responds to Ed Miliband during prime minister's questions. Photograph: PA

David Cameron and Ed Miliband had a furious row about the strikes on Wednesday. But the prime minister started question time with a nod to Movember, the scheme by which men grew moustaches last month in aid of cancer research. "For those who are capable of doing so, it is a very good way of raising the profile of prostate cancer," he said.

Capable of doing so? Did he mean that he wasn't capable? He certainly has amazingly smooth skin. My guess is that he had all his follicles surgically removed so as to shave shaving time from his morning routine, giving him crucial extra minutes to perform policy U-turns.

As for Wednesday's strike, let me explain the situation. Ed Miliband supports the strikers because he believes the government is being unfair to them, and because Labour gets most of its money from the unions.

But he knows the public is against the strikes, and he is afraid they might blame Labour, so he opposed the strikes in September, but he has avoided opposing them now. Instead he blames the government for letting the strikes happen and accuses the prime minister of spoiling for a fight.

David Cameron opposes the strikes because he is a Tory and because he is afraid that too many strikes might make it look as if the country is getting out of control.

But he quite likes the fact that the strikes went ahead, because he can blame the unions and the Labour party. He also has the dilemma all governments have when there is a big strike: it is both a terrible assault on our economy, our living standards and the education of our children, but it is also so unpopular that it has had next to no effect – "a damp squib" as he put it.

Confused? Of course. As were the two party leaders. So they resorted to abusing each other, or rather David Cameron abused Ed Miliband, whom he described as "irresponsible, leftwing and weak". Later, by way of variety, he said he was "weak, leftwing and irresponsible."

As both sides kept up a more or less continuous barrage of barracking, the Speaker tried time and again to quieten everyone down.

"The public doesn't like it and I don't like it."

He may be right, though for MPs prime minister's questions are a safety valve, a chance to let fly with all that pent-up hostility. Mr Bercow is in the position of a rugby referee who says to the teams, "look, there really is no need for all this grabbing people's legs and hurling them to the ground. Gentlemen should be able to settle this with a friendly handshake". It would miss the point.

Ed Miliband said that he, for one, was not going to demonise the "dinner lady, the cleaner or the nurse" who, he said, "earn in a week what the chancellor pays for his annual skiing holiday!"

Oh dear, he meant "earn in a year". If they earned in a week what Mr Osborne spends in Klosters, they would all be in Klosters with him, having flown there by private jet, swilling Petrus.

Along with Jacob Rees-Mogg, who wanted all Border Agency officers who had gone on strike to be sacked, en masse. Oh for a rotten egg to knock the phantom top hat off the top of his glossily groomed head!