Best of Craigslist Best postings from, selected by readers en-us &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Best of Craigslist Collection 2012-04-19T17:08:27-04:00 2 daily Require Dragon Slayer I am quite sure most of you have seen the rather large green dragon that has been flying over the north east side of Grand Rapids for the better part of a week. I am looking for someone to:<br> <br> 1.) Lure said dragon away from Grand Rapids to a more rural area.<br> 2.) Force said dragon to land in rural area.<br> 3.) Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit.<br> <br> No Pay, dragon slaying is it's own reward.<br> Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement. <br> <br> <br> <ul> <li> Location: Greater Grand Rapids Area</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li> <li> Compensation: no pay </li></ul> 2012-04-19T17:08:27-04:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Require Dragon Slayer text Need Help With A Duck I am looking for someone who can relocate a duck - thats the short story <br> <br> I have a pool and every year a mallard and a hen show up and occupy my pool until I open it. This may sound dumb..... but I am serious. I have always had an assortment of methods to chase them away - and easily, bottle rockets etc.. radio, teenagers. Eventually they end up somewhere else - just not my pool. This year the hen showed up without the mallard. She won't leave and I'm pretty sure its the same one that has been here every year. <br> <br> She won't leave, and I'm too nice to just go and be mean. <br> <br> Well, I feel completely stupid, if someone knows how to extract a duck, well, I'm all ears. <br> <br> Oh and YES I do get laughed at, at the office..... <br> <br> Is there an online dating service for ducks? <br> <br> Hey I've heard them all. <br> <br> Lemme know.... <br> <br> Thanks for looking.. and stop laughing - I am serious :) <br> <br> **************** UPDATE ****************** <br> <br> Thank you Craigslist people who have sent me a link to <br> <br> plentyofduck <br> <br> I probably misrepresented the hen as well... in heat or something..... (SORRY HEN) <br> <br> Well, of course it took about 2 minutes to find a greenhead and they are a happy couple.. See Pic #2 <br> <br> Now.. I'm changing gears... <br> <br> I'm having a fundraiser so that they can get a room... and do what they are doing now..... not in my pool........... <br> <br> If you STILL want to relocate the ducks, they need a honeymoon suite..... somewhere else... <br> <br> Glad someone (something) is making the best of this warm evening <br> <br> THIS IS NOT A JOKE !!!!!!!!! <br> <br> <br> ************* LAST UPDATE ****************** <br> <br> WOW ...... this went way out of hand... <br> <br> NO I WILL NOT MAKE A PORN DUCK SITE!!!!!!!!!!! You Craigslist &gt;&gt;&gt;&^&&^%&% ... people scare me.... read a book or something <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: NE GR <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2011-04-08T20:17:21-04:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Need Help With A Duck text for your enjoyment Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time. So it was fun while it lasted! " <br><br> <img src=""> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Kentwood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-12-09T11:32:12-05:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> for your enjoyment text License Plate BJN7523 Dear Sir or Madam: <br> <br> Ha ha! You are clever! You regifted your unwanted parking ticket to a neighboring vehicle! Unfortunately, you disregarded two important points. First, I do not drive a silver Buick; second, I do not plan to pay the city $30 on your behalf. <br> <br> I understand fines double after 10 days and triple after 90 days. Good luck with that. <br> <br> <br> Cordial Disregards, <br> <br> the Neighboring Vehicle's Driver <br><br><ul> <li> Location: downtown Grand Rapids <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-09-11T23:33:08-04:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> License Plate BJN7523 text Woodchuck - Groundhog Meat - free We have a very fat, adult woodchuck/groundhog that has decimated our pole bean crop and consumed, in one 24 hour period, our entire broccoli patch, leaving empty broccoli stems as a stark reminder of what might have been. <br> <br> The animal has been fed organic garden vegetables all summer to date, so I guess you could say he is "organic", for the sake of those interested in organic foods. Pasture raised too, as he's been grazing on the lawn, and probably helping our pet hen (who lives in the same area) eat her organic feed. Like I said, a well fed groundhog. <br> <br> We have a live-trap set this evening (Saturday) and considering the bait is watermelon, a woodchuck favorite, I'm sure we will have a woodchuck to give away Sunday morning sometime. <br> <br> It is illegal to relocate wildlife in Michigan and this woodchuck needs to be dispatched humanely. Per the MA Audubon website ""It is detrimental to the well-being of wildlife as well as the public. Unknowingly, sick animals may be transported and released in other locations, causing the spread of disease. Animals released in unfamiliar territory have a hard time surviving. They must compete with resident animals, and they have difficulty finding food and shelter. Furthermore, relocation is ineffective: each time a territory opens, there is always another animal ‘waiting in the wings.’” <br> <br> Not wanting the animal to be wasted, the proposition is this. If you want the animal for food purposes, you are welcome to take it, but you must be prepared to dispatch the animal (without damaging the trap or anyone/anything in the neighborhood) and take the carcase with you (you may field dress it if you'd like). <br> <br> Please email if you're interested and I'll respond asap on Sunday, July 26th. <br> <br> Please remember, relocating live wildlife without a permit is not only cruel but ILLEGAL in the state of Michigan. <br> <br> Should you be worried that this animal may be a female with young, woodchuck young leave the burrow and disperse to find their own new homes in July. <br> <br> Woodchuck recipes can be located here: <br> <br> <a href=""></a> <br> <br> <a href=""></a> <br> <br> <a href=""></a> <br> <br> We live in the Ada/Cascade area. <br> <br> Thank you, <br> <br> Simon <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Ada-Cascade <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-07-26T00:25:38-04:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Woodchuck - Groundhog Meat - free text Thank you, Walter Thank-you , dear Walter, for that excruciating burst of adrenaline that you provide for me on a daily basis. As i am nearing the completion of my ten mile bike ride, my energy is waning and my spirit is becoming weak. The urge to abandon my trek is overwhelming, when suddenly, you burst from the front porch, barking, snarling, panting, froth dripping from your flabby jowls, your fangs glinting in the sunlight. Your mistress, the old crone, stands on the porch in her faded housecoat, clapping her hands frantically, shrieking "Walter, Walter , bad boy....come back here!" to no avail. You are a disobedient old cur and continue your pursuit, eyeing my ample rear as if it were indeed a rump roast. Your mistress calls out reassuringly that Walter is completely harmless and he just wants to play. I remain unconvinced as he latches on to my seersucker capris with remarkable force. "Don't be afraid", she exhorts me. "he can smell fear" HAH! I am about to soil my new gel bike seat. Terror is oozing from my every pore. And there it is - that amazing influx of adrenaline that spurs me on my way! I ride like the wind!, I can ride anywhere!, I can climb mountains!, I can run a marathon! I give Walter a kick to the chops, while housecoat lady screams "Don't hurt my baby!" and I am outta there. However, at my age, I am becoming concerned about this daily dose of adrenaline and am becoming increasingly concerned about its' effect on my circulatory system. So, tomorrow, Walter, I am ready for you. I purchased some dog repellent spray. We will meet tomorrow. I'll be cruising by on my trusty old bike, and you will be rolling on the yard with your rheumy eyes smarting from the pepper spray. The container boasts of a twenty foot stream, so I may have a little squirt for you mistress as well. See ya tomorrow. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Ottawa co. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-07-06T17:30:08-04:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Thank you, Walter text Great News for Pet Owners in West Michigan! After an exhaustive effort, I now have research to prove that you can take pets with you when moving! <br> Yes, it's true, and has been verified by many outside sources in the know. This includes: <br> <br> *Moves to neighboring states <br> *Moves across country <br> *Moves within Michigan <br> *Moves within the city that you currently reside. <br> <br> It turns out that in every city they having housing that allows pets. So, the best course of action would <br> be if you(the pet owner) sought out one of these housing options(that allow pets) instead of inquiring on <br> housing that does not allow pets(since you have a pet). I know, it seems complicated so let me use an <br> analogy. <br> <br> Example: If you are a smoker and want to rent a hotel room, you will want to book a "SMOKING ROOM" <br> Now, if you call about a "NON SMOKING" room, you will not be able to smoke in said room. Which <br> is bad, as you are a smoker ,and enjoy smoking. <br> <br> See how that works! Simple! <br> <br> Also, while my research is not entirely complete, there is strong evidence that suggests you do <br> NOT need to give up pets either prior to or proceeding the birth of any of your children. You can <br> have pets and kids. Seriously, it's true...look it up. They(your children) might even learn some <br> traits such as compassion, responsibilty, and accountablitity(I know big words, look them up) <br> if they(your children) are raised in a house with pets(the ones you committed to prior to the children)! <br> <br> I thought my findings were just too good to keep to myself. So, pass them on to any pet owners you know! <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: West Michigan <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> 2009-04-22T14:24:49-04:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> Great News for Pet Owners in West Michigan! text No, I'm Not Going to Stab You I attend a weekly fencing practice about 16 miles from my home. As a public transportation user, I thus have to lug my 40-inch duffel bag with me to work and school. I am really tired of answering inane questions about said bag, the implications about my femininity, etc., so I've tried to consolidate the answers into one simple list. Later, I intend to print several dozen copies and distribute them to all parties who can't formulate intelligent questions (even "What have you got in that bag?" would do nicely), because I work two jobs and attend classes part-time, and I really don't have time to stand around explaining why I'm not going to stab you if you're rude to me. If you still have questions after reading these seven answers, don't worry, I will have long since continued on my way and you won't need to worry about it anymore. <br> <br> 1. Yes, I really spend some of my spare time stabbing my friends each week. If you find that weird and dangerous, consider how weird it is that some people spend hours and hours on something like golf and find it relaxing, enjoyable, or challenging, while others find it mind-numbingly dull. Not weird at all. Comparatively speaking, hockey is far more dangerous than my sport. <br> <br> 2. Yes, that means I've got a sword in there. <br> <br> 3. No, I really don't want to show it to you. Why do you think it's in a bag? So I don't scare people like you. I also like to avoid arguments with campus police, since protracted arguments tend to hinder my attempts to get to work or class on time. <br> <br> 4. No, even if you piss me off, I am not going to stab you. You're pissing me off just by asking if I'm going to stab you. First of all, the practice blade I'm carrying is about as sharp as a 9-iron and weighs about 2 pounds. Unless I had a forklift at my disposal and chose to duct tape the sword on so that it stuck out beyond the tines on the front, and ran into you with it at a high speed without the protective rubber tip on, I highly doubt I could break your skin with it. Secondly, if I wanted a free trip to jail, why the hell would I do it by making my sport look bad, getting thrown out of college, losing my jobs, and bringing tons of negative media attention to the relatively unknown organization that sponsors my local fencing practice? Not to mention being permanently banned from said organization. Not to mention losing public transportation privileges or my self-respect. <br> <br> 5. No, this is not a musical instrument. Thank you, sir, for asking a relatively intelligent question. You will not be getting a flyer. <br> <br> 6. To the guy who came around a corner this spring at school when I was carrying a PVC cane and a shield and assumed a faux ninja pose in the middle of the hallway while frowning unreadably at me and shifting back and forth so I couldn't walk around you, then said, by way of explanation "I thought you were going to attack me" - WTF?? The same goes for the PoliSci professor who asked me if I was gearing up for a riot (in Grand Rapids?) and the guy at the bus station who asked if I had cookies under my shield, which was lying on the pavement with just over 1/8 inch clearance. I'm so glad that I finally have a nice, anonymous bag to put that stuff in. <br> <br> 7. To the guy who walked through the middle of one of our fights in a public park while shouting rudely at us, and when we politely suggested that he walk around us, delivered the classic "What are you gonna do...stab me?" line, two things. <br> a. WTF? Would you, clad in shorts and a T-shirt, walk through the middle of a pro football game, yelling taunts at the players who are specially armored to bash into each other at running speeds? You've basically done the same thing, except this is a practice, not a tournament, and we're amateurs. God help you if you had tried the same trick at a tourney somewhere. <br> b. I sincerely hope the 2- or 3-year old son who accompanied you does not grow up to be a man with such a total disregard for basic social codes. I hope he isn't a man who takes the most obnoxious and inciting route possible to his car, interrupting the pastimes of other people while surrounded by hundreds of acres of public park free for the walking. <br> <br> <br> Thank you.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=downtown, on the bus, all over -->Location: downtown, on the bus, all over <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> 2007-06-27T00:22:55-04:00 &copy; 2014 <span class="desktop">craigslist</span><span class="mobile">CL</span> No, I'm Not Going to Stab You text