Super Bowl Predictions from Nate Silver and Another Person Deeply Confused by Statistics/Athletics

Nate Silver did a whole thing with numbers and sports and points and math wherein he predicted that the San Francisco 49ers will defeat the Baltimore Ravens in this Sunday’s annual big football contest, the Super Bowl. The former has a better offense and defense, which, Silver reasons, bodes well for their chances of succeeding over the team with the weaker offense and defense. God, athletics analysis can be fascinating! has other predictions for Sunday’s big game:

  • If you multiply the attendees at your watching party by six, that is the exact number of Manti Te’o jokes that will be made from kickoff until the game’s end. Multiply that number by zero if your Super Bowl party includes Manti Te’o.
  • The more drinks you consume, the more you will joke, loudly, about how boring football is, and the more tedious and obnoxious you will seem to everyone else in the room.
  • By halftime, someone will say something like, “Listen, if you don’t want to watch, just don’t. We don’t all sit around and watch Snapped, that show about women who snap, just to interrupt your enjoyment of it by calling it stupid.” You will hate how right that person is and you will make an awful face. 
  • Selecting a few players you think are hot and imagining that the Super Bowl is an elaborate segment of a Mr. America contest like “swimsuit” or “talent” is guaranteed to increase enjoyment of the game. 
  • You will once again insist on participating in your office’s Super Bowl pool despite losing a total of something like $60 during the past three years. 
  • You will definitely lose money in your office’s Super Bowl pool this year.
  • The buffalo wings you consume definitely “count.” 
  • You will make a bet with someone in the room that the Ravens are also the name of a professional baseball team. “Like the Giants and the Giants!” you’ll say, to which your friend will reply, “No, like, I understand the concept of the same word signifying different things in different contexts—you’re just incorrect.” You think he’s wrong. “No, no,” you tell him, smirking as you pull out your phone to Google “Ravens baseball.” The baseball Ravens “are like from Texas,” you assure him, so confidently it’s actually bizarre. The first Google hit for “Ravens baseball” will be about a high-school-age team in Bergen County, New Jersey.