Rules of the Men's Room

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There are many rules governing the dynamics of the Men's Room. As such, they are among the most complex known to man. While this is by no means a complete list, here are the most commonly agreed-upon Rules of the Men's Room:

edit Rules of the Men's Room

  1. The First Rule of the Men's Room is, you do not talk about the Men's Room. What goes on in there, stays in there. It is also advisable that any bodily substances produced in there, stay in there as well.
  2. When using urinals, do not use the urinal immediately adjecent to one in use unless it is the only available one, and only after checking all toilet stalls. This rule may be disregarded if there is a substantial barrier dividing each urinal, but it is important to show reluctance even when taking advantage of this feature.
  3. Stare Directly at the wall. Maintaining eye contact only with the wall, and avoiding all contact between others using the room is vitally important, unless there is money involved or someone shiny.
  4. Do not attempt to aim when using a stall toilet and never ever raise the seat. This is considered unsporting and may evoke rage in the next user. In addition, touching a toilet seat is very dangerous, even with your shoe. Many of these seats have been in service for many years, and if handled improperly may spontaneously release the plethora of dangerous diseases they have absorbed.
  5. Pretend to wash your hands. Run them briskly through the water so it appears you have some basic understanding of hygiene.
  6. Pretend to dry your hands. In order to minimize time spent inside, make a quick show of drying your hands. Only stay long enough to prevent drips. If no paper towels or blow-dryer is available, wiping your hands on your pants is allowable. It is not advised to use others pants, as you may soon be seeing the floor or ceiling. At this time, it is advised to seek medical attention,
  7. Always bring a newspaper, book or magazine to the toilet. Rustling around with reading material is important, since it shows your fellow Men's Room users that you're alive and doing okay. In addition, if you accidentally let out an excessive groan, you can claim that you were reading something by Jeffrey Archer.
  8. Dispose of reading material before you leave. Attempt to flush it down the toilet so that it causes the toilet to clog for the next user of said toilet. It's not your problem, so don't worry! (See douchebag)
  9. Never check to see if a stall is occupied. Someone may be struggling with his bowel movement, and pushing on a partially closed door or looking around the bottom of the stall for a sign of occupancy is distracting. If it cannot be immediately determined that a stall is not occupied, assume it is not.
  10. Do NOT eat the funny sweets in the urinal.
  11. Only shake twice after urinating. If it is still wet,try waiting until the room is empty, then reach for the toilet paper. Please refrain from wiping your penis on someone.
  12. Don't sing.
  13. If in a gay bar, you MUST sing.
  14. Avoid using the Men's Room for anything other than urination or vomitation. In the extreme event that you must break this rule there are several sub-rules to follow:
    1. Do not, under any circumstances make any unnecessary noises. Do not groan. Do not sigh. Do not cry. Shut up and take it like a man. (When visiting high-traffic Men's Rooms such as those at highway stops and airports you may disregard this rule. And, in fact it is good form to make a spectacle of your dire predicament in such situations.)
    2. After you have finished your business you are forbidden to flush, as this will trick the next man into making virtual ass-to-ass contact with you, a very gay thing to do.
  15. If, God forbid, someone were to break one of these rules, under no circumstances should you confront him about it. Instead, relate the events in a horrified tone of voice later to your friends. Maybe the guy who did wash his hands has a skin condition. Maybe the guy who kept his newspaper found a classified ad that describes the woman of his dreams. It is an insult to a man's manliness to suggest that he does not have a good reason to violate Men's Room Etiquette, and a fight may ensue. This is perhaps the most important rule of all, and the only acceptable exception to the First Rule.

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