Monday 29 December 2014

Lifeclass: How can I win my wife back?

Man and woman sat apart
What to do? A wife says she doesn't want to be married any longer, but neither does she want a divorce 

A husband is desperate to save his marriage, after his younger wife, whose career and social life have suddenly flourished, tells him she needs 'space', writes Lesley Garner

Dear Lesley,

I hope you can help. I have been with my wife, who is 10 years younger than I am, for seven years. I am in my early forties and we have two lovely children. Recently, we have been experiencing the problems that most married couples seem to go through at one time or another. I had a period out of work, and then had to travel a lot with my new job, which made me tired and moody. My wife, meanwhile, is doing really well in her career.

My work problems are over now, as I have decided to change careers, but they led to frequent rows at home. Now my wife tells me she just doesn't love me any more and I am devastated. I have always tried to be supportive and have never cheated on her.

She says she doesn't want to be married any longer, but neither does she want a divorce. When I ask her what we can do to save the marriage, she just tells me she needs "space". I am still in the family home and seem to be with the children all the time - I look after them while my wife works and, as many of her friends are still single, she goes out a lot in the evenings.

I am really confused. She says she sees us going our separate ways and then "finding each other again". We don't do much as a couple now, though we will often have a meal together with our children. I am becoming paranoid and think she is seeing someone else. She denies this but says that, since we are separated, it is none of my business anyway.

She has rejected counselling. What should I do? How can I win her back? I feel so lost. Angus

Dear Angus,

I am sorry you feel lost and I can quite understand why. You are wandering in a forest of confusion and your wife, the person on whom you seem to be relying to show you the way out, is leading you a merry dance. Let me see if I can shine a little light on the situation, and help you to realise that the only person who can find your way out of this impasse - even if it is to a place you don't like - is you.

To summarise: you married a young and unformed wife who is 10 years your junior. You loved each other and had two children whom you both adore. While your career has had its ups and downs, your wife has found her feet in hers and it feels as if she has overtaken you. She has certainly got a taste for the independence she finds at work while you look after the children and, at 30, she enjoys the company of girlfriends her age more than she does being at home with you.

Imagine the position is reversed. How many young husbands, after seven years of marriage, would prefer to stay for an extra drink with the lads from the office rather than go straight home? If they can get away with it, the habit becomes ingrained.

Then you are looking at the thin end of a wedge that ends in the devaluation of the marriage and very strained relations between husband and wife. I think, in your case, that you are beyond the thin end of the wedge and are now staring at the thick end.

The more I re-read the full text of your letter, the less I realise there is in it about what you do - apart from feeling stressed and, in your words,­ "moaning and crying". It is the letter of a victim rather than a protagonist. You are confused, and no wonder. Your wife says she doesn't want to be married any more, yet she says she doesn't want a divorce. She says she needs her space, but that if you give her space she might miss you. She takes you back in. You put your house on the market. You take it off again. I feel quite tired just writing it all out. And I do wonder what effect this game-playing is having on your children.

You say you are worried that she is seeing somebody else. She might be, but I think your marriage is in quite enough trouble as it is without that complication. The picture you paint is of a woman who is having her cake and eating it. It is time for you to take a stand and stop placating her.

When my marriage was rocky and I was trying to keep everyone happy, rather as you are, a perspicacious friend said to me: "But is this working for you, Lesley?" I ask you the same question. Is this working for you? It doesn't sound like it. You need to set up some boundaries to stop your wife running rings around you. You say that she won't go to counselling, so I suggest that you go on your own. I think it would be a relief for you to talk things over with, say, a Relate counsellor.

The brutal truth is that she probably thinks she can do without you very well. You don't sound like much fun to be with, but her friends are. She is doing well in her career so she could manage financially without you. And it sounds as though sex has gone off the boil.

Whatever you are doing, it isn't getting the result you want. If you want her back you have to change the way you behave towards her. Assert yourself. Get someone else to look after the children and take her away somewhere special. Show her a good time. Try to rediscover what it is you once loved about each other. Offer her some space but agree on a time limit, after which you both need to face the reality that is creeping in on you.

And get real about the children. You sound like a good dad. When you say your wife talks about walking away and taking them with her, I want to shake her. If it comes to divorce, put the children first and do all you can to avoid bitterness and recrimination. By taking a stand, you risk losing her - but you are losing her anyway, aren't you?


Can marriages survive rough patches, and what can you do to save them? Or do you have a different problem you would like me to look at?

Write to: Lesley Garner, c/o Features, The Daily Telegraph, 111 Buckingham Palace Road, London SW1W 0DT, or email lesley.garner


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