The Aga louts

That modern chronicler of rural life, Joanna Trollope, has fled the Cotswolds for the capital, claiming that an influx of glamorous celebrities has changed the country lifestyle irrevocably. So how would one of her "Aga sagas" read now?

Kate Moss sadly wiped down her oak-finished kitchen countertop, looked out of the window and sighed. The clouds were heavy and grey, mirroring the sadness in her heart. There is nothing, she thought, to look forward to, nothing to brighten my gloom. She sighed again, brushed away some strange white crumbs on her kitchen table and turned on the Aga. But wait! The gravel was rustling on her driveway! Could that figure, with the tell- tale hat tipped back and adorable stumble to their walk be young Peter Doherty, the man who made her feel like no other man ever had? Ah, but no - it was just her neighbour, Elizabeth Hurley, wearing her latest Philip Treacy and having difficulty mastering the gravel in her Manolos.

"Cooo-eee! Kate, are you in? Welcome home from hospital! Was it dreadful?" chirruped Liz, breezing into the kitchen.

"It was, it was, but it's over now," replied Kate, forcing a smile. "Tell me, Liz, is it true? What the News of the World said this weekend? That Pete has found someone new?"

"Kate!" cried Liz urgently, seizing her friend and looking into the deep pools of her eyes, pinked by sadness and purpled by nights that never ended. "He is no good for you! Can you not see that?"

Kate dipped her head and sighed. She knew Liz was right - how could she not? And yet, and yet ... "He makes me feel like no other man ever has, you must understand, Liz!" she whispered.

"That's not love - that's just the charlie!" cried Liz.

Fortunately, before Kate had to answer, her mobile rang. It was Sadie Frost. "Babe," rasped Sadie, in that familiar smoky voice Kate knew and loved so well. "Where the fack have you been? The Primal Scream lot are having a party down in the village square, it's gonna be facking mental, so get your arse down here now." Kate hung up - perhaps going to a party would help her get over Pete. Ah, Pete ...

After kissing Liz goodbye, Kate ran upstairs, threw on her latest piece of Dior couture, made a brave little face to herself in the mirror, sighed, and headed out into the night. On the way, she met Mrs Mackenzie who ran the local post office. "Evenin' Miss Moss," she called out. "You'll catch your death, you know." Kate acknowledged the rustic's advice with a dismissive flick of her hair. All her friends were there in the village square - Kate Winslet, Alexander McQueen, Samantha Morton - but the sadness still blanketed her heart.

"Babe!" said Sadie, falling on her forlorn friend. "Forget about that idiot - I've got someone new for you!" A handsome man emerged from the shadows - it was Daniel Craig.

"But ... but Sadie!" cried Kate, "I've already gone out with him!"

Sadie's face dropped, but then a smile broke out. "Oops - forgot about that! Ha ha!"

In the distance, the churchbells rang and Kate sighed.

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