just found out DH is a transvestite.

(28 Posts)
DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 21:22:06

Think the title says it all really.
He just blurted it out whilst I was cooking tea, He says that he doesn't want the op, but is completely gender confused.
This has come completely out of the blue for me, How on earth did I not know I feel so stupid. We have been married for 11 years and have been ttc for quite some time now.
He says he doesn't want to lie any more and wants to be free to express his feminine side.
I don't know if I could ever be comfortable with that but have no family where we live so would lose my friends, job, home dog etc......
I feel numb and don't know what to do.

Bonita12 Tue 21-May-13 13:03:30

Trouble with the Beaumont Society is that they are geared more for Transexuals than Transvestites. My partner is a Transvestite, He/she likes to dress, look and emulate being a woman, for him/her its escapism from a very stressful life/high powered job and family commitments (you can't get much further away from that demanding male role than being a female after all can you)? It also allows him 'and me to a certain extent' to explore that artistic side to his nature.

Did you know that there is a vast difference between Transexuals and Transvestites? The myths surrounding Transvestites are ridiculous, over 50% of men experiment with female clothing for a variety of reasons. Most are not gay because they do it either, most Transvestites do not actually want to be women, are straight and do like their male mode too. I feel its wrong to lump all Trans in the same box.

Admittedly when I first found out I was gutted (he never lied to me though, I was told right at the beginning of the relationship). We had a rocky time, mainly because of my stupidity and beliefs. I was convinced he would go seeking male attention when dressed, that never happened. I was worried that when it came to going out and socialising that I would be the one feeling left out because all socialising with him as a woman would be with other TV's, that never happened, they are lovely and love the fact that a woman not only accepts but helps them (I now have a thriving business offering TV makeovers).

I hated the way he looked at himself in the mirror when dressed (especially his legs because they are better than mine) and got upset because I wanted him to look at me that way.

I hated the fact that he looked like some morose drag queen with all that badly applied lippy and thick lines drawn across the eyebrows. I hated it when he used my hairbrushes or left knickers on the floor for me to pick up (no real woman would do that). I hated it when he sat watching war films and car restoration programs whilst sitting in 7" heels and a mini skirt. If he's going to be a woman he should do it properly and watch Eastenders without moaning right? Its not right he gets all the nice bits to being a woman, but doesn't get to use the iron or mop, so I put paid to that one pretty quick and bought him a maids outfit and some pink Marigolds, that worked a treat.

I had visions of me having to put bricks in my own handbag to fend off Tranny bashers when out, nobody even glances our way.

Worst of all was putting my hands down a pair of knickers in bed, it made me question my own sexuality.

But do you know what. After time he started to look and behave like a real woman while dressed and I discovered that I actually like that woman and do forget its a man in a dress. Also dressed or undressed (in drab as they call it) I still fancy him rotten, and what's more, the more I've encouraged him to do it, the less he seems to want to do it.

These days its me running round town with his TV mates, shopping, clubbing and so forth, while he isn't as interested and got his head stuck under a car bonnet very much in male mode.

I know its wrong for them to lie and deceive, but after spending so many years with them, I have come to learn that most have to try and understand it themselves before they force it on their loved ones, so I advise them to do this now rather than come clean. I also advise them to make sure they have all the relevant information to hand I.E support forums, questions and answers for their partners when they do come clean, that way a SO isn't beating themselves up trying to understand it all. You can't ask them to explain it or talk about it if they don't understand it themselves.

It really doesn't have to be such a big deal if you stop over thinking things and put your boundaries in place. My partner is not allowed more wardrobe space than me or a bigger spending budget when it comes to clothes (and that includes his male clothes), I'm making sacrifices for him, so he must do the same for me.

Also it might be worth noting that a lot of Tranvestites when tested are found to have hormone imbalances, for some it creeps up on them in later years when their Testosterone levels naturally drop, which is why men in long marriages find themselves in this predicament. They are fully aware that their partners will be hurt by it, laugh at them (Its a gormless man in a dress! Do you really think they don't see that themselves), they are ashamed of themselves and some hate themselves for it. They have huge guilt complexes, buy fem stuff, then burn or dispose of it (Purging), but they ALWAYS go back to it.

Asking them to stop is as bad as asking you not to talk again and cruel IMHO. Having spent so much time with TV's that are out I can truly say I think they are the strongest and bravest people I know and deserve all my admiration. If they come out to you, try to understand how hard that is for them, I know your feeling hurt but they are too and by having the strength to come out to you, they are actually reaching out to you, so don't laugh at that funny looking drag queen stood in front of you. Hold their hand and show them how to do it properly.

The best advice I can give to a partner is research, research and keep researching, at least then you can make an informed decision with regards to your future and living with a TV. Oh and please don't always assume he wants to be a woman full stop or has been hiding gay tendencies, because the vast majority do not and are not. Those are Transexuals not Transvestites!

h3rbm Sat 26-Jan-13 23:27:53

During my teenage years and early 20's I frequently wore womens underwear beneath my outer clothes and occasionally went out dressed up as a woman. I don't really know why, other than I used to enjoy it. The desire to do this gradually diminished. I told my wife before we married, she was not sympathetic but I was able to suppress my feelings so that it has not been an issue between us. I still occasionally feel inclined to cross-dress.
I have often wondered why women find it so awful. I gather that it's not uncommon for men to want to do this, but very rare for one to actually admit it.

Wowserz129 Thu 09-Aug-12 10:00:11

How are you getting on OP?

WearingthatTshirt Sun 05-Aug-12 20:49:44

I've name changed for this but I'm a long time lurker. After all the negative stuff up thread I'd like to tell you something a bit more positive about life with a TV.

My ex DP told me he was a TV when we'd been together for about a year and had just moved in together. Like you I was totally in shock and it took me a while to get my head round it and he was the same. It was only after we started discussing it that he decided he didn't want to be a woman he just liked wearing the clothes and acting as a different persona.This is still something your DH needs to sort out for himself but he needs to look after you while he's going through the process.

I couldn't really deal with exDP just wandering about the house dressed as a woman whenever he felt like it so we put some rules in place. I didn't want him to hide it as I felt that would just push him further away from me so he only dressed when I was comfortable with it and I tried to let him do it as often as possible so that it stopped feeling like a big deal.
This actually worked! It made it much easier for me to see that he was still the same person I loved, just in a dress.

This is going to sound really flippant but the other thing that helped a lot was getting him into ladies clothes that suited him. He had really poor taste and looked so bad when I first saw him dressed I was horrified by the whole thing. It was much easier to deal with when he looked ok in women's clothing.

I don't know if you know about the Beaumont Society but they are really supportive both for the TV and their partner, they helped us a lot and I would really recommend having a look at their website.
Sadly, after all the hard work we put into working out the TV thing it turned out we weren't meant to be for a number of different reasons, none of which were related to him being TV.
PM if you need a chat x

YouOldSlag Thu 02-Aug-12 07:41:37

OP, I truly sympathise.

The first time I saw my now exH fully dressed was really shocking and I screamed. It was like seeing an alien- his face but a totally different body.

When he started shaving his legs and arms and wearing nighties to bed, it was a bucket of cold water over our sex life.

The pressure of keeping it a secret to others was immense. It was a massive shock to me yet there was nobody I could talk to about it. I felt lonely and cut off.

I resented him for putting me in that position and I resented him for changing the man I married into someone I didn't agree to marry.

It also confused me- was I the man or the woman in this relationship now? I felt he took away my femininity and made a grotesque mockery and mimicry of it.

Our marriage didn't survive and he chose not to tell his 2nd wife as she had led a "sheltered life" unlike me who came from "a broken home".

He was actually a nice man, but this was way too much for me and I bailed out.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Wed 01-Aug-12 23:57:12

I'm sorry this is happening to you sad

I feel very sorry for people who feel they have been born into the wrong body and want to change that - I fully support them and their right to do everything they can to feel 'right'. It must be a very difficult thing to come to terms with and beyond difficult to tell your parents, friends etc.

However, I have no sympathy with people like your DH who have known since they were young, but have gone ahead, got married etc and dragged someone else into it. It is hugely unfair. It's made you feel like your life together has been a lie and I think the vast majority of us would feel the same.

He has no right to tell you who you can and can't tell - he can ask you. This is not just his 'issue' now, it's also yours - in a bloody big way and he's continuing to be a selfish arse telling that you can't discuss it with anyone. It's your life he's fucking up - you have the right to discuss the impact of this with whoever you want.

Personally, there's no way I could live with someone who feels the way he does and it would be the end for me, but also him having denied me the option of making my life decisions based on the whole truth and not only part of the truth would be a deal breaker.

Good luck working through this - I hope the women who have posted on here having been through it themselves can really help you.

But he decided to share that secret with you (after lying to you about it) and trust me, this is where things get really hard and you realise it's not really entirely just his secret.

Once you start seeing him dressed up and you are the only person who knows about this yet you are expected to live with it, the idea changes.

I hope you aren't too bad after today, if you need any advice or someone to talk to, feel free to PM me, I will offer as much information about the situation I was in and what we have done as you want (that's if you want of course).

BuntCadger Wed 01-Aug-12 22:33:06

duchess the whole dishonesty would upset me hugely. It's a big thing to keep from your partner and I'm not sure I could ever really trust dh again if he kept such a massive secret from me. I also don't think I could physically feel attracted to him if he was wearing prettier underwear than I was.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Wed 01-Aug-12 21:47:58

Well today has been one of the most surreal of my life. I have now seen him fully "dressed". hair, make up,clothes,bra!!!!!(struggled with that one!).
He says he wants us to stay together and he is still the same. I find this a bit of a struggle to say the least.

PVL he says he feels feminine but does not want the op or hormones.....I do wonder what lies ahead although that may still be shock on my part. He says he has felt like this since he was 5.

At the moment he doesn't want anyone else to know, so today my work think I have a tummy bug. Not sure how long I can keep that one up and can't actually bring myself to see or speak to anyone. It's left me feeling very isolated though I can appreciate that it is his secret to share not mine.I am also rather embarrassed that I did not know.

I can't work out what upsets me most, the fact that he is TV or the fact he lied.

YouOldSlag Tue 31-Jul-12 23:04:17

This has happened to me and the marriage failed.

BuntCadger It's not a good look...

Quietly That's what gets me, the women (or men in some cases) are just expected to put up with it because they know the other half love them, if they cared nearly as much as their partners did then they wouldn't put them through the humiliation and expect them to put up with a complete change in their sexuality/sex lives, family turning against them etc.

I know many people will look down at my view and say "well they have a disorder" but these people may have a disorder but they could have come clean in the first place! It is utterly selfish to lie to someone because they want a relationship with them then bring this up years later.

QOD007 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:59:22

My friends bil came out as a Tv and is now TS, went the whole hog. It's very very difficult for the children as they grow into the age where "friends" take the piss
She still, unfortunately, looks like a bloke in a dress

PenisVanLesbian Tue 31-Jul-12 22:56:12

Are you (or he) quite sure what you are talking about? Transvestite is someone who likes to wear the clothes, changing gender is transexualism and is an entirely different thing. Transvestites rarely want to actually have gender reassignment surgery.

quietlysuggests Tue 31-Jul-12 22:53:35

You have the right to have your marriage annulled in this case, as he withheld something so fundemental from you. It makes me crings to see the magazines with these sad women putting on a brave face of "We get to share our make-up" when their selfish arse of a husband upends the terms of their marriage.

BuntCadger Tue 31-Jul-12 22:53:16

<imagining dh trying to fit into my clothes> roffle

BuntCadger Tue 31-Jul-12 22:51:41

Don't know what to say that's helpful confused

My DP did tell people, I told him if he was really serious he couldn't expect me to bear the secret on my own, eventually he told his friends and then his family...

I often too wonder if DP is lying to me now and it's still what he wants, it scares me to death that he could bring it up years down the line.

I think we just have to trust them that this is the only secret, obviously if this doesn't work for you then you will have to make a decision at some point.

And yes, DP also just looked like a bloke in a skirt. hmm I think they must be looking in magic mirrors.

I hope you can pull through this, I really do. sad


DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 22:14:38

Thanks SMew. I do believe that it is a condition too. the years of deceit really hurt and I wonder if he has lied to me about this what else is he hiding? Has our whole marriage been based on lies?
I myself am not really a girly girl, I have my moments like the rest of us, but generally live in jeans and don't have a "dressed up" job.
It transpires that my husband has much more interest in make-up than me!
He has always had an artistic side and says he likes the aesthetics of it but he can't see it on his own face so that doesn't make much sense to me.
I asked him if he wanted to go public and tell others, He says not for now but maybe if he felt confident that he looked good........WTF he looks like a bloke in a dress!!!!
Sorry for that statement to any other TVs out there, struggling a bit atm.

I also find it a bit of a contradiction, the people who decide they want gender ops do so because "they cannot live as something they are not" but quite happily expect their partners to change their sexuality without a care about them.

Duchess First off, un-Mumsnetty hugs.

I will probably be flamed for this post.

I actually know pretty well what it feels like to live with someone "gender confused", I don't think I have ever felt so self-conscious since DP told me, although he told me months after we got together, fortunately not years.

He also told me he didn't want the op and just wanted to dress up a bit so being 18 at the time I decided "okay, I can live with that", wrong! A few months later after experimenting with clothes and such he decided he might actually want the op, I tried to live with it and couldn't and went in a bit of a downward spiral, I told him that I would only stay with him if he promised he would never go public or get the op as if we had children and years down the line he changed his mind, I could not put them through the humiliation of that and would use this to push for him to have no contact, at least in public.

Eventually he chose me instead of another gender and hasn't in 2 years even mentioned it again and no longer dresses up etc, we now have a DS.

Something I really hate, is people who decide to finally tell their partners years down the line and really leave them with no choice. My mind was made up when I met a TS in a gay bar in town while with a TV friend and he was in his mid 40's and was telling us how he finally "came out" to his wife a couple of years back because "he couldn't live like that any longer", he chose dressing as a woman over his marriage and kids and left them. sad

I do believe that it is a real condition and that some can really be born in the wrong body however if that was simply it then surely acting like a woman and being accepted by the other half as that would be enough, genitals and make up (wtf? plenty of women don't even wear make up) are only aesthetics.

I was born in a body that doesn't work properly, I am in agony and exhausted every single day. Would I choose a cure over my family? Would I hell.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 21:37:51

dumedoodah I do completely understand your viewpoint and thanks for the vote of confidence about having children. I only wish he had told me in the beginning, as an 18 year old student it probably wouldn't have phased me in the slightest.
I fully respect that everybody had the right to be comfortable in their own skin. If it was a friend who had told me I would most certainly gone on a shopping trip. But my Husband?.......

HeathRobinson Tue 31-Jul-12 21:35:08

I don't think you have to make a decision and do anything right away.
Give yourself some time to let it sink in and see how you feel about it.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Tue 31-Jul-12 21:32:41

The reason I would lose it all is that I have a low wage job and couldn't afford to live on my own.....so back to the mothers 250 miles away it would be. (not an appealing thought!)

I keep asking him what he wants but he says that he doesn't know himself ,so I feel that I am in limbo. I told him that even though I knew I would prefer this to be something that he does in his own time and even offered to join a club or something so I would be out more.
He says that this isn't enough.He doesn't know where he wants to take it. he wont let me tell anyone so I can't talk it through in real life.

greenwichgroove Tue 31-Jul-12 21:31:06

You both need to sit down and have a long chat about where you both go from here

dumdedoodah Tue 31-Jul-12 21:28:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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