GamesRadar - Updates, 28 Nov 2014 06:00:00 -0800Quiz: Only true RPG fans will answer these questions, 28 Nov 2014 06:00:00 -0800 chop! 13 big bad video game butchers <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>What is it about the everyday job of butchering meat that makes it so frightening in a horror context? Is it the thought of the those big, shiny knives and cleavers slicing up human victims instead of steers and pigs? Is it the idea of encountering a madman inside a walk-in freezer with blood caked on the walls and floor? <i>Does no one want to know how the sausage is made?</i> <p>Whatever it is, butchers are scary as hell when you run into them in video games. Some stab at you with giant meat hooks, while others opt for even crazier weapons like buzzsaws and sharpened bone. But these are the choicest cuts of all. Let's start with a nice chunk of...</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Detective Ethan Thomas travels all over Metro City during his investigations, and at one point he finds himself in St. Joseph's Secondary School. A large figure taunts him as he explores the hallways and classrooms, dispatching minions to stop the gumshoe for good. Eventually, he reaches the freezer, where the butcher herself attacks. <p>This crazed cafeteria work stands seven feet tall, with plenty of weight to throw around. She can absorb entire magazines of ammo--only well placed headshots or blows from melee weapon can take this elementary schoolers' nightmare down. Still, she’s only 5% more scary than the lunch lady I grew up with.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Larry Chiang. The name isn't intimidating, but when you watch this guy drag your friend Carlito into his meat processing plant, you know he's pure evil. His plan is to <i>grind Carlito</i> into "fresh meat" after all. <p>The boss fight that follows is a series of meat cleaver slices and thrown meat: Larry actually pulls down choice cuts to throw at hero Frank West during the fight. He'll even eat some canned mystery meat during the fight. Stopping him means saving Carlito and taking the meat cleaver as your own weapon.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>When you play a Silent Hill game, you expect to run into big bad Pyramid Head, and you try your best to keep your bodily functions in check when you do. That's not the case in Origins. Instead, Travis Grady encounters the equally horrifying Butcher. <p>He first shows up in The Family Butcher shop, slicing a nurse (the monster, not the kind that takes your blood pressure) from the belly down. Later on, he is found in front of the shop with the same nurse’s wound now spread open. In a final showdown in the Riverside Motel, you can end the Butcher's reign of terror for good--by stabbing him in the spine with his own cleaver.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Meat cleavers? Carving knives? The Butchers in Dead Island have no time for your silly weapons. Instead, they use their own forearms: their flesh and muscle have been removed, leaving them with sharp bones jutting from the bicep. Get too close with a bat or wrench, and their bone-blades will make short work of you. <p>Luckily, they only appear in the jungle in the first Dead Island. Solution: stay out of there. But in Dead Island: Riptide, the Butchers show up in all sorts of missions and locations. Good luck avoiding these handless horrors, buddy.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Lumbering giants with meat cleavers are hell<i>ish</i>, but Diablo's Butcher (returning from the first game) is literally <i>from Hell</i>, a blade-wielding cousin of Baal, Mephisto, and the other Evils. You can find him in the Chamber of Suffering--a fitting name given how the boss fight goes down. <p>The Butcher can swipe and slam his carver into the ground, but he also wields a sickle and multiple spears. That's a lot of weaponry to dance around, and I haven't even mentioned the fire below your feet. That's right: the grates on the floor belch fire throughout the fight, just waiting to cook up what the Butcher filets.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The Water Street Gang are already pretty ruthless, choosing to use knives or their bare fists in combat. Their leader Winston Chu is the toughest of the bunch, but even he pales in comparison to his mother, Mrs. Chu. <p>Mrs. Chu owns the Golden Koi restaurant, where the Water Street Gang does its business. At first she just appears to be a tough manager, yelling at her kitchen employees. But it's in that kitchen that she butchers rival gang member Johnny Ratface and forces his boss Dogeyes to <i>eat pieces of his corpse</i>. The term "momma's boy" never sounded so sinister.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Who needs a dinky little butter knife when you've got a giant buzzsaw? That's the mentality of the Butchers in Dishonored's DLC pack Knife of Dunwall. They're found in Slaughterhouse Row--that level name should be your first red flag. <p>Those saws aren't for slicing up lunchmeat, either. These Butchers carve up <i>freakin' whales</i>, using the ocean mammal's mysteriously powerful oil to power their buzzsaws. Don't think you can just run off with one of their badass buzz-weapons either. Listen to their conversations, and you'll learn that they cut their coworker's hands off just for touching the damn things.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>He's called the Evil Butcher, and he's hideous. Despite this, he is the vampire's official cook, tasked with feeding the beasts that roam the castle grounds. Once Gabriel slips into the vents and reaches the kitchen, the battle with the Butcher is on. <p>The Evil Butcher wields--you should see this coming by now--a giant metal cleaver, which does heavy damage. Other tools in his kitchen are just as deadly in his hands: hooks, dinner bells, you name it. You can't even finish the big guy off until he makes the mistake of dropping a large soup pot on his own head. Appetites are a common weakness among evildoing freaks, I guess.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The titular Shank has a bit of history with this husky hulk. The Butcher used to win fights thanks to some shady Mafia deals, and that made him a renowned wrestler. Then Shank and his buddy Falcone beat him up for missing one of his payments to the mob. <p>Later, the Butcher was sent to kill Shank, though he only succeeded in fracturing his skull. Shank gets his revenge in spades: he strangles the Butcher with his own chains, strings him up, and sends him through a meat grinder. He <i>butchers</i> the Butcher.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>There are only two of these ladies--yes, they are women--in the entirety of Dark Souls, but you won't soon forget them. When you encounter the first one in The Depths, you'll catch her preparing a meal for the freaks that live down there--a meal made of her fellow Undead. <p>They wield both a meat cleaver and a wooden stake, and they know how to use them. Get hit by their stake attack, and you'll be pinned to ground. Then they bring the meat cleaver down into your torso. Ouch.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The Dark Souls ladies may be horrifying, but they've got nothing on Meat Katie, found only in House of the Dead: Overkill Extended Cut. She trades her set of kitchen knives for one massive, two-hands-required meat cleaver. <p>More horrifying is her size and armor. She's a giant wearing a cow skull with large horns, and she's attached an actual udder to her gut. When protagonists Varla and Candi manage to drive her into a meat grinder, she dies with a bone-chilling "moo." You won't want a glass of milk for a while after this encounter.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>His name is Biggy Man, and he has given up cleavers in favor of <i>chainsaws attached to his arm stumps</i>. Toss a burlap sack over his face, and you know you're in for a chaotic, sparks-flying battle. <p>Biggy Man is found on a bridge in the classic Splatterhouse or at the end of the Meat Factory in the remake. In the newer version, you learn just how sinister he is; he's watching you through the factory's cameras, totally freaking out your Terror Mask companion. If you manage to take this cunning cut-master down, you'll be rewarded with a chainsaw of your own--once you rip it from his arm stump, that is. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The city of Windhelm has its own Jack the Ripper type, and it's up to the Dragonborn to track him down. Three young women have been killed, with gruesome gashes across their bodies. Who is this madman? <p>The search will lead you to some leaflets labeled "Beware the Butcher!", as well as several journal entries from the "butcher" himself. After some investigating--spoiler alert--you'll catch elderly museum curator Calixto Corrium in the act. Move quickly, and you'll stop this butcher from carving his next lady-steak.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Well, that was frightening. Remind me to stay away from meat for a while--I have a sudden urge to go vegetarian. In any case, which of these freaks scared you the most? <p><b><i>Believe it or not, meat was actually used in a Resident Evil marketing ploy. You can read about in these <a href="" target="_blank">15 awfully (and totally real) video game marketing campaigns</a>. And if you want to know what meat "sounds" like, check out this classic episode of <a href="" target="_blank">SoundRadar</a> featuring the music of Super Meat Boy.</b></i></caption> </div> Fri, 31 Oct 2014 16:00:06 -0700 life or death situations that you can procrastinate on <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The big bad bossman is in his gothic tower, cackling maniacally. Lightning crashes across the apocalyptic wasteland. Lava seeps in through the cracks of this hellscape, and winged beasts fill the night sky. All would seem lost if it weren't for the fact that our heroes have arrived at this final castle, this last bastion of evil, and they are ready to kick some ass. But wait… is that an arcade next door? Sweet! I wonder if they have Battletoads?</p> <p>Many video games do a great job at making you <i>think</i> the stakes are at their highest, but because they give you the freedom to go wherever you want, that great cataclysm will usually wait while you shirk your quest and play some minigames. These are some of the more extreme examples.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>You've been through hell to get to this point. You've witnessed the girl of your dreams' (unless you went out with Tifa. Or Barrett.) impalement first hand. You've waded through the Lifestream and come out on the other side with a serious case of Mako sickness. And just when things are looking up, a giant meteor hovers above the horizon, ready to tear the Planet a new one. So who wants to go to a theme park???</p> <p>By the time you reach the final disc in Final Fantasy VII, you've unlocked the final dungeon, and the ultimate battle against Sephiroth awaits. But you're likely not <i>quite</i> ready yet, so while the end of the world literally hangs in the air, you're able to spend dozens of hours dinking around with Gold Saucer's minigames, or breeding chocobos to get that final summon. Weeks pass, the meteor is no closer than it was a month ago, and you start to wonder if the Planet is actually in any legitimate danger.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>So Earth has been destroyed, and the last remnants of humanity are chillaxing on Emperor Zinyak's private space cruiser. Well, chillaxing isn't exactly accurate; more like being held prisoner in a virtual version of the city you and your friends spent time in during Saints Row The Third. Fifteen years later and we're still getting Matrix jokes…</p> <p>Anyway, even with the Earth 'asploded and all, time is of the essence. Zinyak's gotta pay for what he's done, especially since he continues to torment you the entire game. Still, that doesn't mean that the ultimate galactic smack-down should be rushed. Oh no, there are races to run and data clusters to find that, while boosting your virtual super powers, will in no way affect your abilities in the real world. So, it's like an actual video game, then.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Converting a major section of a large city and turning it into a murder carnival for convicts will end up on the list of worst mayoral decisions ever made. Still, it provides ample opportunity for the more vigilantism-inclined to explore and get into some real trouble, even if there's the threat of mass murder looming over the entire city of Gotham.</p> <p>As Batman stalks through the night, Doctor Strange pipes in over the intercom, updating the city's inhabitants of the countdown to "Protocol 10." "Five hours left," he chimes, as you're scouring every nook and cranny for balloons to pop or Riddler trophies to nab. Luckily, time seems to stand still in Gotham City, and as long as you don't pursue the main storyline Protocol 10 is no closer to happening than Batman finally taking Robin seriously.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>A quick visit to the year 2300 reveals a world ruined by the evil Lavos. People huddle in corners, sheltering themselves from the cold. Food is incredibly scarce, but revitalization machines ensure that people are able to stay alive, even if that means going hungry for another day. To prevent this horrible future from coming to pass, you and your crew of intrepid heroes need to find this Lavos character and deal with him ASAP.</p> <p>The thing is, Lavos ends the world in 1999, and you're from the year 1000, so you've got a lot of time to kill before you hop in your time-jumping ship and blast off into the apocalypse. It certainly gives you a lot of time to beat up on Gato's metal joints. If you win, he'll give you 15 silver points!</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>A mysterious man named Lan Di came to your home, killed your father, and stole your family's precious Dragon Mirror, all right before your eyes! It's enough to make you run out and get a part-time job. Wait, what? Well, in order to find out where Lan Di's run off to, you'll need to wander around your little slice of Japan, interrogate sailors for clues, and save up enough money for a ticket to China. But if you want to ignore your passionate quest for revenge, well, go for it. There are plenty of distractions.</p> <p>Sure, there's a time limit imposed on you, but you're given nearly half a year of game-time to investigate the whereabouts of your father's murderer before the trail goes cold. So there's plenty of time to nab capsule toys by the truckload and waste hours of your life playing Space Harrier. And since Shenmue 2 came out over ten years ago, it's not like the story will ever be finished. So game on--none of this matters, anyway...</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>A skyscraper-sized demon known as The Imprisoned has busted out of his, well, prison, and is making a beeline for the Sealed Temple in order to destroy it. Conveniently for him, that temple is a short jaunt up a hill. Link is the only one who can stop him, and he needs to rush on over and stop him before it's too late. Over and over again.</p> <p>You know, or not. Whether you're carrying way too many pumpkins at once (what could one person possibly do with all these pumpkins!) or slicing bamboo stalks in half, there are plenty of sidequests to keep you busy while the world is falling apart around you. Don't worry, though; The Imprisoned will wait for you. He's an honorable beast.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Shortly (OK, immediately) after the opening of Mass Effect 3, the galaxy-ruining Reapers show up on Earth and start doing a little landscaping with their giant lasers. Being the last hope and all, it's up to Commander Shepard to leave Earth and find a weapon capable of taking them out. If he happens to come across a nightclub, well, that's just gravy.</p> <p>The thing is, <i>the reapers never stop attacking Earth,</i> even while Shepard is off doing sidequests. So while you're gallivanting across the galaxy, surveying moons, shooting the shit with Garrus, or trying to hook Seth Green up with a robot, the Reapers are tearing the human population a new one. No, please, go find that woman in the Citadel's heirloom necklace. I'm sure it's <i>literally killing her</i> to be without it.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Dragons are back and they are <i>pissed.</i> There's a particularly nasty one known as Alduin, and you don't get a nickname like "World Eater" by filling your day with sunshine and rainbows. He forms the backbone of your quest, and it's up to you to stop him from causing the prophesied destruction of the world of man.</p> <p>That is, if you can pull yourself away from crafting your own weapons. Or stealing anything that isn't nailed down. Or cooking delicious meals. Or wandering around the countryside and ducking into any hole you can find. Or assisting Skyrim's residents with millions of inane requests. Once you finish all of that, then maybe, <i>maybe</i>, you can finally give that Alduin what for.</p> </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>According to Assassin's Creed 3, a single assassin named Connor was conveniently involved in almost every major event of the American Revolution, like the Boston Massacre, Paul Revere's ride, and the Battles of Lexington and Concord. Even more convenient is how incompetent everyone is, as they are incapable of winning a battle without Connor's direct involvement. Maybe this is why nothing happens while Connor is busy making sure his homestead has a decent innkeeper.</p> <p>So sure, make Connor chase down Benjamin Franklin's invention schematics, stalk wild beasts for a hunting club, or play a rousing game of Fanorona. Lord knows that the revolution will wait for you, considering everyone's appalling ineptitude.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Sure, the world might be ending as we speak. But at least you can sneak in a quick round or twelve of G-Bike. What other heroic events have you procrastinated on? Let me know in the comments below!</p> <p><b><i>Be sure to check out these <a href="" target="_blank">8 zero-point achievements that will make you cry</a>, or the list of the <a href="" target="_blank">winners of the 32nd annual Golden Joystick Awards.</a></b></i></p></caption> </div> Mon, 17 Nov 2014 14:00:00 -0800 talkin’ to me? Gaming’s 15 best living weapons <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>There are many types of living weapons. Some crack inane one-liners like annoying ‘80s comedians, while others exhibit all the consciousness of particularly dangerous houseplants. Some are traditional--think immortal swords imbued with the spirits of demons--and some improvised, like a makeshift, rabid-badger chainsaw.</p> <p>Whatever the case, if it’s sentient and kills things then it’s got a place on this list. Without further ado, here are gaming’s 15 most bizarre living weapons.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The K9000 Cyberdog Gun is more than a gun powered by the brain of a dog. It’s taken on distinctly canine characteristics. Mounted to the weapon are two metallic ears, which move excitedly when the gun fires, as well as a ‘sense sniffer’. It sounds like a dog, too, even whining when unequipped. It’s the closest you’ll get to starring in one of those ‘coming home’ videos where a loving pooch greets a returning soldier, because you’re not brave enough to be a soldier and no one will ever love you.</p> <p>Having it in your possession triggers various comical reactions, like robotic brain-bot Dr Klein worrying the K9000 will "hump his chassis." One of New Vegas’ rarest weapons, the K9000 is part of the Old World Blues DLC. You can obtain it in two ways: either loot it from the X-12 Research Centre, or talk to the think-tanks at Big MT and pass a guns skill-check of 50.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Don’t let The Wind in the Willows fool you--badgers are vicious. This is a blighter from the same family as polecats, weasels, and wolverines. Their skulls have evolved in such as way that it’s near impossible for their jaws to dislocate, allowing them to remorselessly maintain a bite until they either die or get bored and wander off. Postal 3 pays the fearsome four-legged omnivore due reverence, letting you carry around a rabid, overgrown badger so that it can maul anyone dumb enough to piss off someone carrying a rabid, overgrown badger.</p> <p>Your character will sometimes shout "Badger! Badger! Badger! Mushroom! Mushroom!", in reference to the deeply modern <a href="" target="new">viral video</a>. Which is now over a decade old. Nice and relevant, then.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The Hivehand, also known as the Hornet Gun, is a living assault rifle that spews out multitudes of tiny living organisms. These bio bullets intelligently seek out hostiles, pursuing them around corners like a particularly dedicated picnic wasp. Ammo is infinite too, seeing as the weapon can produce them on the fly (wait, was that a pun? Uh, yes. Yes, I meant that. Continue). The Hivehand went through many iterations, and its final design heavily borrows from a cut weapon dubbed the Alien Organic Chainsaw, which was kind of like a giant wearable Venus fly trap.</p> <p>It’s not Half-Life’s only dance with living weaponry. Oversized termite-like Snarks act as homing grenades, even making a beeline for Gordon if there are no enemies around. Their idle animations see Freeman tease it with his finger and almost get it chomped off in the process. Half-Life’s expansion, Opposing Force, introduces the Shock Roach (an electric insectoid appendage), Spore Launcher (an infant Shock Roach that purrs cutely) and Barnacle Grapple (can latch on to humans and scenery).</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Soul Edge is the primary antagonist of the Soulcalibur series, and that’s saying a lot when competition for the title includes axe-wielding mega men, stab-happy zombie pirates, and freaky gimp contortionists with Wolverine claws. It’s powered by the soul of Inferno, who acts as a parasite, feeding off the sword’s wielder. According to legend, Soul Edge turns red after witnessing too much bloodshed, similar to how flamingoes go pink because of their all-shrimp diets. The Hero King Algol, wanting to counter its power, created a holy blade from its purified shards--the blade known as Soul Calibur.</p> <p>Though the design of both weapons vary, this is routinely a crystalline construction as opposed to Soul Edge, which often sports angry tumours and a gross-out eye. While Soul Edge is parasitic, eating the healthbar of its owner during fights, Soul Calibur is symbiotic, regenerating health but dealing less damage. In Soulcalibur V, Soul Calibur has a physical manifestation called Elysium. In Voldo's ending of Soulcalibur IV, meanwhile, not only does Soul Edge talk, but it's voiced by actor Yuri Lowenthal--aka Ben 10.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>In the first two Bioshocks, the Insect Swarm Plasmid unleashes hundreds of suicidal bees at enemies, damaging and temporarily distracting them. In Bioshock Infinite, this is replaced by the Hitchcockian Murder of Crows Vigor, which functions similarly but sounds infinitely cooler and allows me to use the word Hitchcockian.</p> <p>Plasmids are special serums made from ADAM that mutate users. Active Plasmids require EVE for use, while passive Plasmids, called Gene Tonics, provide an effect merely by being equipped. Vigors, meanwhile, were made by businessman Jeremiah Fink who made them drinkable by way of an oxidizing agent. Some weren’t fit for public consumption. Take the marketing blackboard in Bioshock Infinite which details failed vigors. Under the Amnesia Vigor, which makes the drinker forget everything they know, some ads man writes, “How do you plan to sell this dud?!” Then there’s the Plant Peeper Vigor to read the inner thoughts of your houseplant (marketing note: “No demand for this type of product”) and Dead Ringer to re-animate dead loved ones and pets (marketing note: “No one wants a moldy puppy!”).</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>When the first piece of concept art came through for Skyward Sword, people were immediately suspicious. “Why, the tip of Link’s sword looks like a particularly pointy blue head,” they said. This wasn’t mentalism, because it was exactly that--specifically, the head of a spirit called Fi. After Fi appears to Link in his dreams foretelling him of his destiny, she guides him to the Statue of the Goddess and bids him to draw the Goddess Sword (later tempered into the Master Sword) from its pedestal. Since Fi resides within the Master Sword, and the Master Sword appears in every Zelda game, you could make a case for her as a major recurring character.</p> <p>Fi functions as Link’s guide like a Navi or Midna type, essentially a device through which Nintendo communicates to the player directly. She divulges enemy weaknesses and the time of your current play session, gives advice on the next objective, offers event summaries, and can even scan for treasure. And Fi isn’t even the only sword spirit in the game; the evil Ghirahim is her emo-haired counterpart, turning into a mighty black blade during particularly bleak days.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The ever frugal Stranger rifles through nature’s bountiful ammo store to enact his titular Wrath, grabbing any and all animals and stuffing them into his crossbow as they sit there giving him the stink eye. Fire a Bolamite spider, for instance, to wrap foes in thick webbing. The cutesy Fuzzles, meanwhile, are essentially deadly mines. ThudSlugs are like one-hit KO riot pellets, and Stunks explode into clouds of noxious green gas that cause anyone caught in it to throw up violently.</p> <p>All things furry, spiky, and otherwise fit into three ammo categories. The immobilization set is used to deplete an enemy's stamina for crowd control or live-capture bounty hunting. There’s straightforward damage-dealing, good for bounties who need not necessarily be turned in alive. And there’s trap/lure, which can kite enemies into certain positions and imprison them. Each creature has an upgrade, too. Stunkz become electrified Spark Stunkz, pulling groups of enemies together. Combine this with the upgraded form of the explosive Boombat to blast them all together. Mixing and matching your unfortunate ammo cache is key to wrathful victory.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>"Apparently this Pokémon is born when a departed spirit inhabits a sword," reads the Pokedex entry for Honedge. "It attaches itself to people and drinks their life force. If anyone dares to grab its hilt, it wraps a blue cloth around that person's arm and drains that person's life energy completely." Terrifying. It evolves into Doublade at level 35, which itself evolves into Aegislash when exposed to a Dusk Stone.</p> <p>The idea behind these Pokemon comes from the folklorish Japanese concept of tsukumogami, in which objects forgotten by their owners become animate. Animator Hitoshi Ariga’s creation also contain hints of the Tyrfing, a magic sword of Norse mythology that was cursed by dwarves to kill someone whenever it was drawn (again, terrifying). Visually, these Pokemon combine the two inspirations, looking equal parts eastern jian sword and western viking sword. Some potentially earth-shattering, potentially meaningless trivia for you: no other Pokemon shares the same type combination as these guys, a unique ghost/steel type.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>In Suda51’s action-horror Shadows of the Damned, Johnson is many things to protagonist Garcia Hotspur: shape-shifting firearm, rad motorbike, sassy talking skull who speaks like a slightly more belligerent J.A.R.V.I.S. from Iron Man. According to his biography, he’s a demon with a taste for strawberries, and regularly frequents the red light district in the City of the Damned. Well, he did until he was cursed and banished for being a dick. Now he’s Garcia’s tour guide, transport, and weapon rolled into one.</p> <p>Johnson, you see, has several functions. As a firearm he morphs into the Boner revolver (snigger), Teether machine gun (tee hee) and Monocussioner shotgun, while melee mode morphs include a rock-hard scepter. He’s even been known to rap, at one point donning a pair of headphones and <a href="" target="new">rolling out rhymes</a> like: "Demon keeps dreaming of a demon town, motherf***er bi**h f**k s**t went down." Hey, no-one said they were good rhymes.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Lilarcor, also known as Lawrence Lilarcor, is an enchanted sword who’s REALLY ANNOYING. Talk with him by clicking on the converse button while examining the weapon in the inventory menu and he’ll say lines like, "I'd appreciate some quality time in my scabbard. Take a break... ahhhh, who am I kidding? Attack! Battle! Kill! Hee heeee...... this is what I live for!" It’s novel for all of five seconds--like if your spoon started breakdancing--but it gets old fast.</p> <p>During battle he’ll yell, “Bring 'em on! I ain't done!", and he doesn’t shut up when you’re idle either, whining "Boring. Boring. BorIIING!" and “Come on let's kill something NOW!" While enchanted weapons are usually valuable in Baldur’s Gate II, Lilarcor isn’t, despite being of reasonable quality. This is probably because he is REALLY ANNOYING.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Consider the following: to make Daedric weapons and armor in The Elder Scrolls games, one must bind the spirits of Daedra to the forging materials. You’d assume this would ‘use up’ the spirit, like mixing eggs into cake batter and losing the chance to raise a lovely little chick like Joey from Friends. But Daedra are immortal. So, what’s the horrifying implication of this? All Daedric weapons are alive.</p> <p>In Skyrim, for instance, players create Daedric items by tossing Daedra hearts into the smithing process. This would be an inconvenience for all the poor Daedra would it not be for the fact each one exists in a Time Abyss, which means a thousand years is nothing. Although you might justifiably get a bit restless residing in a scabbard for five centuries, to Deadra it’s nap time. And ‘death’ for them simply means returning to another realm to reform their bodies. Forging them is mutually beneficial: you get some of the most powerful and badass-looking weapons, all jagged ebony edges and glowing red filigree, and the Daedra get a nice little holiday. Everybody wins!</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Like in Bastion, the narrator in Transistor loves to natter. Unlike in Bastion, you can pick up this narrator and swing him over your head. That’s because he’s a sword. The exposition-spouting weapon, resembling a kind of lavishly gilded giant microchip, belongs to Red. She was a famous singer in a city called Cloudbank until it was attacked by The Process, a robotic force commanded by a group called the Camerata. After being knocked unconscious in the clash, Rdd wakes up next to the mysterious Transistor, him smoking a cigarette with the smuggest look on his face (that last part may or may not be true).</p> <p>Like any sentient sword worth its sentient salt, this weapon absorbs souls (or Traces) to gain specific Functions. One such Function is a voice, and Transistor uses it to speaks to Red almost like a lover. In fact, the first person killed by the Transistor is a man whose jacket Red wears throughout the game, so the Trace speaking is implied as Red's love interest. This is possibly a nod to William Gibson's Neuromancer, in which a person's mind can be stored on a hard drive. Except this particular hard drive is capable of chain-kills.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Mercifully, the four living weapons in 2007 shooter Prey are the quiet type. First up is the energy-shooting Hunter rifle, whose secondary fire causes an appendage to attach itself to your eyeball and give you binocular vision. Next is the auto-cannon, a rapid-fire machine gun with multiple barrels complemented by an organic flak grenade launcher.</p> <p>Speaking of grenades, crawler grenades are three-legged crab-like creatures that can be used in two ways: by ripping off all of their legs and throwing the explosive abdomen, or by ripping off just one leg and treating the crawler as a sticky proximity mine, which is as disgusting as that sounds. Pressing secondary fire makes Tommy flip the Crawler over, letting you select how to abuse it. Finally there’s a rocket launcher that fires crawler-filled spheres of crustacean justice. Secondary fire on this bad boy vaporizes the crawler into a lingering cloud of acid that shields you from projectiles. Yuck.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>In Metroid Prime: Hunters on the DS, Kanden favours the Volt Driver because, well, who wouldn’t want a gun that shoots hyper lightning? That’s a no-brainer. There’s nothing much to give away the fact this weapon is actually alive, shaped as it is pretty conventionally in the form of a firearm (as conventionally as mystic alien weapons can get, anyway), but the Scan Log refers to it as a living thing.</p> <p>The butter-yellow Volt Driver, firing from a supply of universal ammo, turns magnetic fields into electric waves then uses these waves as projectiles. It was created as part of the Enoema Living Weapons project, and has since earned a fearsome reputation in multiplayer where players use it to distort the visors of others, annoyingly. During Hunters’ story, Samus finds a Volt Driver of her own in Data Shrine 02 of the Celestial Archives. It’s not Kanden’s particular model, but a piece of tech that allows her Arm Cannon to mimic the Volt Driver’s effects.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Black-eyed flowers are staples of Mario games, first appearing in Super Mario Bros. as the now iconic Fire Flower. Uprooting the blooming fellow from his home soil lets you harness his power to throw fireballs. The plumber’s plucked all sorts of plant life in his time: Ice Flowers appear in Mario Party 5 in the minigame Panic Pinball. There’s the Power Flower from Super Mario 64 DS which lets Mario float for a short period. There’s what’s simply termed ‘Flower’ in Super Mario Land, which allows Mario to turn into Superball Mario. In the Nintendo DS game Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time, Fire Flowers are referred to as Bros. Flowers.</p> <p>And flowers aren't constrained to Mario platformers. In Mario Golf: World Tour, Fire Flowers increase shot distance and burn through obstructions, and in the Super Smash Bros. series they also spit fire themselves as held items. All four Animal Crossing games even let you purchase the Fire Flower as a furniture item. That’ll save on the heating bill.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>There a lot of games out there. Many of them contain weapons. Chances are some of these weapons are alive. And for some reason 'HIS ARM IS HIS WIFE' keeps coming to mind. Odd, that. So: Got any more you'd add to this list? Let us know in the comments.</p> <p><b><i>And if you're looking for more, check out <a href="" target="new">The 100 best weapons in games</a> and <a href="" target="new">The Top 7 silliest weapons in serious games</a>.</p></b></i></caption> </div> Mon, 20 Oct 2014 06:00:00 -0700**k-it list! 7 tough life goals you can easily complete in games <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Ahhh the Bucket List. While it's nice to think of all the things you'd like to do before kicking the proverbial bucket, how many people actually have the time (or money) to complete even one of their life goals? Well, let’s not forget the cheat’s way out--you can tick off a load of them by completing them <em>in games</em>.</p> <p>What do you mean, ‘that doesn’t count’? I believe that the gaming experience can actually enhance your enjoyment of completing your bucket list. There's no horrible long haul flights, no putting your body through exertion and, best of all, you can do it while still in your pyjamas. And it’s… y’know, ‘gams’. So, grab a drink and get comfy because we're about to experience the very best that life has to offer from the comfort of our chairs.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>There's a haunting beauty to the Northern Lights. Their ethereal patterns (created as plasma ejected from the sun collides with atmospheric particles, fact fans), have inspired humans for millennia. However to see them ‘IRL’ you normally have to go to the Arctic Circle... in Winter... at night. And you don't need me to tell you how cold that is. Do you? Really? It's... really cold.</p> <p>It's far better to jump aboard Shadowmere, climb to the Throat of the World and enjoy the show from there. The Aurora is the crowning glory of Skyrim's achingly epic game world and just as awe-inspiring as the real thing. It even has the potential to distract you from whatever wild beast is gnawing on your face at the time.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>It takes years of dedication to master a musical instrument but, when you do, the results are phenomenal. Our recent article on<a href=””> metal covers of video game theme songs</a> is proof of that. Learning an instrument gives you the ability to play all your favourite songs, to have an audience in raptures as you amaze them with your skills, and--let's not forget--music is the food of luuurve.</p> <p>But who has the time? There are so many other things to be doing with your life... gaming for instance. Rock Band knows this and makes it easy to ‘master’ two instruments (and the drums) in the space of a few short days without the painful blisters and frustrating years of practice. </p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>For the ultimate adrenaline rush there's nothing more thrilling than skydiving. Jumping out of a plane with only a piece of canvas between you and an inevitably messy end contradicts every rational human instinct. Despite this, people flock in droves to have a go. Oh, and before anyone asks: NO, I will not sponsor you for doing it!</p> <p>As exciting as it may seem, it cannot compare to the opening of Just Cause 2. This sees you skydiving in the dead of night to catch a gunner in mid-air while being shot at by anti-aircraft guns. As if this wasn't enough, immediately after landing you must infiltrate a military base to steal back a memory card and then rappel onto a helicopter to make your escape. Try doing that in real life and... well, you'll die.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Who wouldn't want one last, Hangover-style blowout before they go? And where better to do it than Las Vegas? From the multitude of casinos, to the unique shows and even a wedding chapel, this city offers everything needed for a hedonistic night that you'll probably be glad you don't remember.</p> <p>Now imagine all this, but with added robots, and you're pretty close to the Fallout: New Vegas experience. The game allows you to gamble until you're bankrupt, drink until you're addicted and even destroy the Hoover Dam, all in one night. Best of all you'll emerge from the experience free of real hangovers (unless you do it drunk) and regrets (ditto). Ideal.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Swimming with dolphins is number one on many people's bucket lists. Dolphins are amazingly intelligent and totally at ease as they frolic with people in the water. The experience is described as therapeutic, uplifting and even life-changing. Unfortunately, our desire to swim with dolphins can have negative repercussions on the animals themselves. Stress, repeatedly being called ‘Flipper’... you get the idea.</p> <p>If you play Ecco the Dolphin you'll be doing the world a favour, then. You control Ecco as he embarks on a quest to save his fellow sea creatures. His journey takes him from his home, to the Arctic and even to flippin' Atlantis, meaning you can see a dolphin in environments tourists never could, all the while feeling smug about what an eco-warrior you're being.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The Pyramids of Giza are the last remaining Wonder of the Ancient World and still stand proud over 4,000 years after they were built. They are an engineering marvel and offer us a glimpse into Egypt's incredible history.</p> <p>In Rome: Total War you are transported back to the Ancient World when the Egyptian Empire was on the wane and ripe for the taking. Egypt is only a short sail across the Mediterranean from the heel of Italy and, instead of just <em>visiting</em> the Pyramids, you can vanquish the Egyptians and have them all to yourself. In fact, you can conquer all the Wonders of The Ancient World, which bestow a unique bonus on your civilisation. Bonus: visiting Egypt virtually means you won't get a thunderous dose of the bum-runs after drinking non-bottled water.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Everest, Kilimanjaro, Mont Blanc... climbing one of these is a bucket list favourite. You certainly get a nice view from the top and a sense of achievement. But is it really worth it? You’ll probably suffer cold weather, altitude sickness and blistered feet. Not to mention the possibility that one of your team-mates might eat you.</p> <p>Thankfully for people who like to get high without the effort there's always Grand Theft Auto. Mount Chiliad first appeared in GTA: San Andreas (although most recently it's in GTA 5) and is the highest point on the map. At the top, Rockstar has handily laid-on a parachute, a bike and a ramp. You’ll soon be trying to see how many backflips you can do before you reach the ground. Something you <em>can</em> do in real life, but is probably worth saving for the end of your list.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Hopefully this list has shown you there’s no limit to how lazy you can be when it comes to completing your bucket list. Do you even have a bucket list? If you do (you lazy bastard) what items could you tick off in a game. Let everyone know in the comments below.</p> <p><i><strong>Want more features, do you? Here's one about <a href="" target="_blank">Games We Know Existed (But Can't Tell You About)</a>. Or--if you're into this sort of thing--a piece on <a href="" target="_blank">Gaming's Most WTF Fanfic Mash-ups</a>. Weirdness.</i></strong></p></caption> </div> Tue, 29 Jul 2014 05:00:00 -0700 single-player games that got crazy multiplayer mods <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Everything is better with friends--drinking, travelling, starting a cult, but mostly gaming. Of course, not every game is meant to be played with others. Titles like BioShock Infinite and Resident Evil 4 are great single-player experiences because they were designed that way. <p>But what happens when you take a game meant to be played alone and open up the Pandora's Box of multiplayer? Savvy game-modders create shared experiences in massive worlds like Skyrim, or entirely new game modes for strategy titles like Mount & Blade. Games like these didn't need multiplayer--they weren't meant to have it--but got it anyway, thanks to the mod community.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Just Cause 2 is a study in vehicular insanity--few games let you leap from a plane in mid-flight, pull out your grappling hook, and zip into the cockpit of a different plane. That grappling hook, in fact, leads to some of the most insane, nearly game-breaking moments you can have with Just Cause. You see, the grappling hook can attach to <i>anything</i>, letting you zip toward an object or attach two things together. This leads to pure chaos in single-player. <p>Now imagine what grappling hooks can do in the hands of dozens of other players. People hijack speedboats, attach cargo to planes as they take off, and chain their friends to moving vehicles--that's just part of what this multiplayer mod allows. Others get into vehicle races, but these quickly devolve into clusterfraks of people latching onto the jeep in front of them, while racers in jets above just crash into each other. It's basically Michael Bay's wet dream.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>"It's like a single-player Diablo!" was the cry of many a Torchlight player when the original hit Steam in 2009. They were right--this randomly generated dungeon crawler lets you level a class, sling spells, and grind for sweet loot. It was everything Diablo-ites could want, but it only let them play alone. <p>Then came the Synergies mod. This takes everything good about Torchlight--dungeons, combat, and item drops--and opens it up for others. More than that, it totally overhauls the leveling, crafting, and dungeoneering systems, even adding high-level raids. This takes Torchlight 2 vanilla and blends it into an awesome Torchlight MMO frappuccino. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>In Oblivion, you wake up as a political prisoner in a dank dungeon. In Skyrim, you ride a cart with other POWs to your execution. These are memorable openings of two of the best Elder Scrolls journeys, but the tales you create in the lands of Tamriel are for you alone--those other prisoners are nothing but NPCs. <p>Not so with Oblivion and Skyrim Online, two mods that are exactly what they sound like. These take dozens of your Cyrodiil- and Skyrim-bound heroes and throw them together in their respective games. Jumping through Oblivion gates and screaming Fus-Roh-Dah at dragons never feels as cool as with a party of fellow dragonborn. The best part? Both mods preempted Elder Scrolls Online--way to go, modders! </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Elder Scrolls isn't the only Bethesda series to get the multiplayer treatment. If you're more into post-apocalyptic sci-fi than wizardry, look no further than the Fallout 3 multiplayer mod. Remember that cancelled Fallout MMO? Looks like we didn't need it after all. <p>All the laser-blasting, perk-picking adventuring of the Wasteland can be played with others on dedicated servers. Even better, the mod is completely open to Fallout 3's DLC expansions and other user mods. It's the Fallout 3 you remember, coated in user chat and whatever craziness you decide to add to your journey. Now <i>everyone</i> can fight over the Naughty Nightwear. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Most of you will think of Grand Theft Auto 4 or 5 when it comes to Grand Theft-ing with friends. GTA 4 started the craze of vehicle races and death matches on Xbox Live, and GTA 5 took this to new heights with GTA online. But things actually got crazy much earlier with GTA: San Andreas. What's more shocking is that San Andreas polices itself. <p>As in, you literally play as police--the mod works like a giant game of cops and robbers. You can make arrests or be arrested, and any cop cars on your tail are driven by real-life players. It's an internet anomaly of gangs and police squads, all working with and against each other in San Andrean harmony. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>What's more fun than trucking precious cargo around Europe? You can shift and cruise through proud nations like France, Narnia, Poland, and the UK--one of those might not actually be real--in real-world big rigs. Do well enough, and you can even hire other drivers to do your business for you. <p>Oh, was none of that interesting to you? Then what about doing it all... <i>with friends?</i> Yes, with the Euro Truck Simulator 2 multiplayer mod, you and your driving buddies can haul the goods together Or, you know, just turn the thing into bumper cars and blast some Adele on your custom radio station. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>For RPG buffs who would rather swing swords than sling spells, there's Mount & Blade: Warband, which forgoes all fantasy elements for a more authentic feel. It's action-oriented--you battle in fields, forests, and forts--and you spend a lot of time on horseback. Makes sense that the multiplayer mod would let you take on other players in full-on medieval warfare, right? <p>Wrong answer buzzer noise! That's what the regular game does! Warband's Full Invasion mod is actually a lot more like the horde modes of Gears of War and Halo 3: ODST. You and a buddy mount up, blade up, and survive as long as you can against waves of enemy knights. This mod was so popular, it warranted a Full Invasion 2 mod. Way to go, mounter-bladers! </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>I know what you're thinking: "Everybody knows about this mod. It's just Counter-Strike!" Well, you just answered the Mount & Blade question wrong, and here's your second buzzer. This isn't Counter-Strike--it's GoldenEye. <p>That's right, this is a total conversion of the classic Half Life 2 into the equally beloved GoldenEye 64. The team behind the mod worked to recreate all the details of the Nintendo 64 title, and it looks even better on the Source engine. Modern advances like dedicated servers and party systems mean you don't have to gather everybody together on the couch to have a good ol' fashion 007 time. Slappers only, no Oddjob, no Gravity Gun.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Let's stop for a moment. The previous mods on this list are all pretty nuts, and although we never asked for them, they're much appreciated. But this final mod--a hack, really--is easily the most mind blowing I've ever seen. <a href="" target="_blank">Just look at it.</a> <p>This is Ocarina of Time with four-player co-op… and it runs on a brick-and-mortar Nintendo 64. At its core, it adds nothing to the game, but there's something undeniably amazing about watching four Links running around Kokiri Forest, working together to slash grass and break pots for rupees. It makes many a puzzle much easier to solve, too. Four Swords ain't got nothin' on this. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>These games were never meant to have multiplayer like this, but savvy players made it happen. Now, those crazy single-player moments can be shared with others. Do you support these sorts of game-changing mods? Do you think it's nothing more than cheap hacking? Let us know in the comments below. <p><b><i>Want to dig into some more mods? Check out these <a href="" target="_blank">8 hilariously ridiculous mods for games you know and love</a>. If you're in the mood for more shooting with others, check out the <a href="" target="_blank">best FPS games</a>.</b></i> </caption> </div> Thu, 24 Jul 2014 11:00:00 -0700 awful (and totally real) video game marketing campaigns <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Marketing is important to all forms of media. We're bombarded with literally thousands of billboards, TV commercials, magazine print ads--all types of advertising every day. If done right, we remember a great slogan forever, like Nike's "Just do it" or Disneyland's "Happiest place on earth." <p>But when a marketing campaign doesn't go as planned, we remember it for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes companies make claims they can't back up, plan a stunt that just doesn't work, or fail to go viral with a weird art display. Whether we see them online or in person, their screw-ups live on in infamy. These video game marketing campaigns are the most bizarre of the bunch, starting with...</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> For those who missed out on this lovely PC title in 2000, here's the quick pitch: rival samurai clans battle it out in the future. Sounds cool, right? And it's from John Romero, the guy who made Doom, so you <i>know</i> he knows his games. That's exactly why he hyped up Daikatana with the PG-rated ad you see above. Sure, it's not <i>that</i> vulgar, but it's quite a claim for any game to make. <p><b>The result:</b> Total shame for Romero--the game<a href="" target="_blank"> sucked</a>, and his claim was unfounded. No bitches here.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> "Hey kids--everything your mom hates is cool! She says you can't play scary games because they're too icky. What a loser!" That was basically the premise of <a href="" target="_blank">Dead Space 2</a>'s ad campaign, which plopped mom down in front of the game's scariest, goriest moments so we could watch them <a href="" target="_blank">react with disgust</a>. Totally radical, right? <p><b>The result:</b> Every Dead Space game has an understandably strong M rating, but the ads seemed to target boys in their teens and younger. The ESRB was called out for allowing such advertising to be broadcast. Whoops. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> <a href="" target="_blank">Skyrim</a> released on 11/11/11--a people of all regions can actually read the same way. But that special launch date wasn't enough for developer Bethesda. To generate <i>more</i> buzz, it offered a lifetime supply of all its current and future games to any parents who would name their child "Dovahkiin," meaning "dragonborn." But here's the twist: The birth must be on the same day as the Skyrim release. It was a nice prize Bethesda probably figured couldn't be won. <p><b>The result:</b> <a href="" target="_blank">One couple</a> totally had a kid that day and named him Dovahkiin. Way to set him up for a lifetime of bullying, guys. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> <a href="" target="_blank">Homefront</a> is the story of North and South Korea uniting to invade the United States--think ‘80s flick <i>Red Dawn</i> (the devs promoted it that way, after all), minus the Russians. When I think Communism, I think red. What's red? A balloon! What I'm getting at is that Homefront publisher THQ decided to promote the game by releasing hundreds of red balloons over the city of San Francisco. <p><b>The result:</b> Those lovely balloons rose and deflated, landing right in the bay. THQ had to send out cleanup crews before the they caused dolphins to choke to death. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> THQ had balloons in San Francisco, and Zynga had counterfeit cash in New York City. As a bit of viral marketing, the company took fake dollar bills and glued them to city sidewalks. It's unclear what the goal was here, especially since Zynga's Facebook titles, like Mafia Wars and Farmville, were already played by millions. <p><b>The result:</b> Just like the balloons, the fake Zynga bucks had to be removed by the sanitation department. Fun fact: it is <i>illegal</i> in New York to attach print ads to the sidewalks. Ba-Zynga. (That hurt to write.) </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> Back in 2003, cell phone company Nokia decided to try its hand in the handheld market with the N-Gage--part cell phone, part gaming device, all awkward. To ease that awkwardness, Nokia turned up the heat at E3 with some lovely booth babes, who paraded around in little clothing, with the N-Gage's price crudely written on their torsos. Objectification? Check. <p><b>The result:</b> Raise your hand if you actually own an N-Gage. Obviously I can't see your hand through the internet, but I'm willing to bet it's <i>not</i> up. The campaign was sexist, and the device completely flopped. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> The marketing scheme for EA's video game adaptation of historical poem <i>The Divine Comedy</i> (which begins with <i>Inferno</i>) had two parts. Part one: a "sin to win" contest at Comic-Con, which asked attendees to--this is the real quote--"commit acts of lust" with booth babes. Uh... Part two: fake a Christian protest at E3. EA hired actors to picket the event, claiming that the game made light of Hell and their faith. <p><b>The result:</b> "Sin to win" just meant "take pictures with the models," but that didn't stop convention-goers from (rightfully) complaining about the distasteful campaign all over Twitter. As for the protest, the farce was discovered, leading to an <i>actual</i> protest by Christians, who weren't exactly thrilled about being mocked. Third time's the charm, EA. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> It's hard to talk about Dante's Inferno without mentioning God of War--Inferno totally copied Kratos' style, including an identical chest-opening move--so here we go. When <a href="" target="_blank">God of War 3</a> released, Sony held a launch party in Greece. And this one had everything: booze, food, party favors, and a very real decapitated goat. Wait, what? You read that right. Sony had a "goat sacrifice" on display as the party's centerpiece. <p><b>The result:</b> Where there are dead animals, there are animal rights activists. Sony caught a lot of flack for this gory party display and promptly returned the goat to butcher who performed the beheading. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> Picture this: You're chilling in a New Zealand bar, knocking back a few brews and having a good time. Suddenly, a man bursts into the bar, brandishing a gun in his bandaged hands. He starts walking around, threatening the patrons with his weapon. Confusion is quickly replaced by utter panic when he starts walking toward you. Oh, and by the way, he's a paid actor whose presence is somehow meant to promote <a href="" target="_blank">Splinter Cell: Conviction</a>. Seriously, what the Dante's Inferno-protested hell was Ubisoft thinking? <p><b>The result:</b> Some guy brought a (fake) gun into a bar. What do you think happened? When the cops arrived, they didn't even know the gun wasn't real until they examined it closely. The guy was lucky he only got a stern warning. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> <a href="" target="_blank">Mercenaries 2: World in Flames</a> takes place in Venezuela, and much of the plot focuses on fuel tycoons. Great. That gave the marketing team plenty to go on. What did they end up with? Offering thousands of dollars of free gas in major cities like Los Angeles and London. Hmm, wonder what would happen if a gas station were to offer free gas, particularly during rush hour traffic? <p><b>The result:</b> Easy answer. The giveaways started just before rush hour, meaning thousands of commuters all over the world were gridlocked for hours. More like "world of flaming mad." Authorities eventually shut down the gas stations to get traffic flowing again. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> Does a game like <a href="" target="_blank">Resident Evil 6</a> need a lot of promotion? It's a numbered entry in a massive franchise, after all. Well, Capcom wanted to do something, so it set up a special butcher shop in London called Wesker & Son Resident Evil Human Butchery. That name couldn't mean… yes. Yes it could. They actually sold meat in the shape of human limbs. <p><b>The result:</b> Again, <i>they sold meat in the shape of human body parts</i>. All proceeds went to charity, but that didn't stop, like, everyone from being disgusted by this. And neither Wesker nor his son Jake is a cannibal, so this whole things just makes zero sense.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> <a href="" target="_blank">Watch Dogs</a> had a massive ad campaign from its announcement, through its delay, and up to release. The hype train was flying down the track, but Ubisoft decided it needed one last push at launch. And by "push," I mean a marketing campaign that involved delivering a ticking safe to an Australian media office." The Aussies immediately panicked, thinking they had been sent a bomb. Can you blame them? <p><b>The result:</b> Not learning from its Splinter Cell mistake, Ubisoft got the authorities called in once more. This time, it was a full-on bomb squad, flocked by multiple police units. Oopsy. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> The picture you see above was plastered on billboards all over the Netherlands. Sony was going for an "out with the old, in with the new" vibe, but the ad just comes across as <i>super</i> ill-conceived. Why? <p><b>The result:</b> It'll take you about half a second to look at the ad and reel away in disgust. Sony had a few other, less bothersome pictures of the PSP models, which they quickly sent out to try to save face, but who the hell thought this would go over well with <i>anyone</i>? </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> The goal of every Hitman game is exactly what the title implies: killing a target for a high-price contract. It's pretty dark, but that darkness fortunately stays in the virtual realm. At least it did, until publisher Square-Enix created a <a href="" target="_blank">Hitman: Absolution</a> Facebook app for killing your friends. No, seriously--this app let you "take out hits on your friends" based on characteristics like hair color and genital size. I so wish that last sentence weren't true. <p><b>The result:</b> Understandably, people weren't big fans of having their friends murdered, virtually or otherwise. The app was pulled from Facebook within hours, leaving only a few friends-list corpses in its wake.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p><b>The campaign:</b> If you're unfamiliar with Acclaim, it's the team behind Turok, Burnout 2, Gladiator: Sword of Vengeance, Virtua Tennis 2, and Shadowman--those are about dinosaurs, racing, gladiating, playing tennis, and journeying through nightmares, respectively. So how did Acclaim promote these nifty games? For Turok, it put up a 10 thousand dollar bond to the first parents to name their kid "Turok." For Burnout, it offered to pay your speeding ticket if you rushed to the store to buy the game. For Gladiator, it wanted poster ads to actually spurt blood. For Virtua Tennis, it painted pigeons like tennis balls to be thrown into Wimbledon matches. And for Shadowman, it literally posted ads on tombstones. No respect. <p><b>The result:</b> Utter insanity. Acclaim shut down in 2004, had its logo bought by someone else, and shut down <i>again</i> in 2010. Pin an ad on <i>that</i> grave. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>There you have it--a bunch of marketing ideas that totally backfired. Some were bad from the start, and some had a chance but never found success. Which campaign do you think was the worst? Are there others you remember? Let us know in the comments below! <p><b><i>Want to see some more video game ads? Check out these <a href="" target="_blank">gaming slogans you can never forget</a>. If you want more screw-ups, then have a gander at these <a href="" target="_blank">blatantly sexist video game advertisements</a>.</b></i></caption> </div> Tue, 29 Jul 2014 11:00:00 -0700 unbelievable video game patents you didn&#39;t know existed <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The world of patents is an odd one, and it happens to be familiar ground for the video game industry. For the uninitiated, patents give the original creator or creators exclusive rights to said idea, gizmo, or gadget for a set amount of time. The “Pong Patent” is considered to be the most important patent pertaining to the industry’s beginning decades ago. <p>But not all patents are game-changing ones. Some of them are downright ridiculous. Others make a lot of sense once you know what all the legal jargon actually means. This list is but a small sampling of the thousands of patents on the books, and you’ve no doubt played a game or used a device that has at one time or another been involved with a patent filing.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>The advent of the load-screen mini-game comes from the ‘80s. Now you might be thinking, "but they didn't even have CDs yet! Didn't those games load instantly?" While gamers weren’t fond of some PlayStation era load times, those of yesteryear were made to wait up to 10 minutes for the Commodore 64 to boot up--a good deal worse than tapping their foot for a few seconds while a match of Call of Duty loads up. <p>Load-screen mini-games were a way to not bore people before they could start controlling some on-screen pixels. Apparently, Namco liked mini-games tiding over gamers until the main course was delivered so much that the developer implemented a slew of them in some of its titles. Aging arcade games like Galaxian and StarBlade have popped up during load screens to keep gamers busy while they wait to play the likes of Ridge Racer. The FIFA series has similar distractions during load times, but nothing as complex as a full-on game. It sure beats the heck out of masking loading screens with lengthy elevator rides (here’s looking at you, Mass Effect).</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Speaking of the Mass Effect series, it’s considered by many to be one of the greatest, if not the greatest, sci-fi franchise in gaming history. Some of the reasons it works so well is because of the freedom of choice, the story, the gameplay, and the generally great banter between Commander Shepard and his entire motley crew. <p>Much of the chatting plays out via a huge amount of dialogue choices presented on a wheel. Players simply rotate the analog to a response--questions, normal salutations, and naughty or nice responses--to keep up the conversation. It’s a simple concept, but really enjoyable to use. It certainly debunks the idiom, “talk is cheap,” and has even made its way to the Dragon Age series. Some gamers may have gotten bored with the simplicity of the wheel, but the concept, no matter what you think of it, has helped shape some of the greatest role-playing games of the past decade.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Sega, like many companies on this list, has a huge amount of patents filed. One of them happens to be for Sonic the Hedgehog’s animation when he runs around in vertical loops in his old Sega Genesis adventures. But that’s hardly the company’s most vague patent for on-screen directions. That honor goes to Sega’s insistence on being the only developer to provide a giant arrow showing players where to go. <p>If you used to visit arcades or owned a Dreamcast that might sound familiar. The helpful guide of a floating arrow was used in the Crazy Taxi games to show people where to drop off their eclectic mix of clientele--it’s unclear if playing songs by Offspring is also part of the deal. Sega took this patent seriously enough that when The Simpsons Road Rage was released by EA, the home of Sonic sued for patent infringement, which lead to the issue being settled privately between the companies.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem remains a cult favorite to this day because it’s a unique take on the horror genre. And it uses more intense scares than a simple zombie dog busting through a window. What makes Eternal Darkness unique is its “Sanity Meter” measuring the impact of “Sanity Effects,” concepts Nintendo saw fit to patent. When players run into something that would make anyone freak out--like the hideous Bonethief, a creature that wears human skin as if it were a casual suit--their character starts to lose a grip on reality. <p>As players start to lose their minds, odd things will happen, including blood dripping down the walls, paths suddenly being blocked with doors that weren’t originally there (followed by your character’s terrifying screams), and the GameCube pretending to reset. All of the creative effects make for a unique horror game, but planned sequels and spiritual successors have all failed to materialize. And thanks to Nintendo patenting the concept, no other games can present horror in quite the same way, because a lengthy legal battle is scarier than anything Eternal Darkness can conceive. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>This is essentially a patent for Dynasty Warriors, and it’s a long one at that. It’s officially named the “battle method with attack power,” take a deep breath, “based on character group density,” and strictly pertains to the way players do battle. It seems Koei wanted the name of the patent to mirror the titling of series entries like Dynasty Warriors 8: Xtreme Legends Complete Edition. <p>The jargon in the patent is a little heavy handed, but it essentially boils down to this: Koei’s million or so Dynasty Warrior games have staked a claim on the one-versus-an-army genre. The series may prove divisive, but Koei may have made a smart move by trying to limit any competition in the genre, and have had enough success to keep the series moving along on virtually every platform available. The company’s gameplay system has even been used with Gundams, and will place Link from Nintendo’s Legend of Zelda series into his very own Dynasty Warriors-esque game. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Toys and video games--not everyone could have predicted the impact that would have had before Skylanders was released. Sure, arcade games in Japan have used similar ideas for Pokémon and soccer games, but Activision’s ploy to revive Spyro gave birth to the Skylanders series in what was the first time the concept became so popular on this side of the globe. <p>The patent filed is for “server based interactive video game toys” and the use of a platform able to identify such toys. Anyone familiar with Spyro’s new game series will understand those as covering the avalanche of toys and “portal,” available for purchase everywhere that has screaming children. Interestingly enough, the patent did not cause Disney Infinity any problems when it was released, and Nintendo seems to be in the clear to work on its own interpretation of Skylanders’ toys-to-life approach via Nintendo’s stable of popular characters, much to the chagrin of wallets everywhere.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>The Xbox 360’s controller is one of the best ever made, save for one flaw: the awful directional pad. It seems like such a small, easy problem to fix in controller R&D, but here’s the thing: Nintendo had a patent on the simple design since it was first used with the handheld Game & Watch devices pioneered by engineer Gunpei Yokoi. It’s such a successful design that even the 3DS and Wii U GamePad use the very same d-pad more than 30 years later. <p>For a number of years the big N was the only console maker able to have a controller with the iconic plus sign design, which ended when its patent on the “multidirectional switch” expired in 2005. This means other controller developers can now create a non-Nintendo gamepads decent enough for 2D sidescrollers and fighting games. Now everyone else could take advantage of the cross-shaped d-pad, which remains is one of the most well-crafted items ever put into a controller. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>It’s hard to imagine video games without secrets to unlock. There are entire websites dedicated to the secrets hidden within the virtual worlds many have enjoyed. This patent, however, is only partially related to that. It’s actually linked to unlocking secrets via a special controller. So, although the title is misleading people into thinking Midway is patenting the idea of finding Yoshi chilling out on top of Peach’s castle in Super Mario 64, it’s actually about selling more controllers. <p>You see, Midway’s patent was to help the developer sell peripherals that would unlock “extra features or secrets of the video game which are not otherwise available.” With third-party controllers typically not the most sound way to invest money, it’s probably good this idea never caught on. If you think DLC characters are bad, imagine having to buy a specific controller to use Scorpion in Mortal Kombat.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>This one is a bit vague, but the gist of it has to do with how enemies or characters not controlled by the player handle themselves. In other words, it’s all about motivating the player to engage enemies, and how those enemies will decide to confront players in a 3D space. One specific part of the patent is how enemy characters originally on a mission to make sure you have the worst day ever react after exposure to, say, a smoke bomb. It also locks down the act of using a “device” to make enemies spar with each other. <p>This could have been specifically filed for use with the Tsurugi arcade cabinet Konami developed in 2001. Using a plastic sword, players take on samurai after samurai, which would sometimes react strangely to your attacks. Further proof is given by reading the language of the patent. It uses the word “sword” so many times that it would be understandable if you thought the developer was patenting the ancient weapon along with the gameplay concept. </caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>The Elder Scrolls series, as well as many other open-world role-playing games, do their best to fill their worlds with interesting non-playable characters. Well, as interesting as they can get while continually reminding you of taking arrow to the knees. Rampart Studios found the role of such NPCs so valuable it decided to file a patent centered on how they change what they do in a game. <p>It means the company wanted to patent what a character would do in the morning, and be able to have a server assign a different task or two based on the NPC’s status. According to the developers, it was meant to make “the game-playing experience ever fresh and challenging” by making NPCs as unpredictable as your cat on catnip. According to internet cats everywhere, those results can be utterly devastating, as well as hilarious. Indeed, that’s kind of like what players get in open-world RPGs like Fallout 3 when NPCs get stuck in rocks or randomly run headfirst into Radscorpions.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Getting friends together to play Halo or Call of Duty online on the Xbox 360 was never a chore, and Microsoft knew it had a good thing going for it with sending online game invitations through your friends list. Hit a button, send a request. Play the game. Simple stuff, it would seem, and Microsoft knew well enough that the idea might be a good thing to file a patent for. The company has been leading the online gameplay accessibility ever since… unless you really dig typing in Friend Codes on your Wii. <p>Many more of Microsoft’s patents come from the development of the Xbox 360. In addition to the game invitations is a patent for Achievements. So, even though a patent of Nintendo’s meant Microsoft couldn’t give a great d-pad to the 360 controller, it did have the edge on everyone else with its online implementation and awards system, something some competitors are still struggling with.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Square Enix has created a lot of great gameplay ideas over the years. One that seemed very important to them is the penalty system introduced in Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. Taking cues from soccer’s governing bodies, the handheld game’s imposing judges dish out yellow and red cards for players unfortunate enough to break one of the battle’s rules. This could mean removal from a match for casting magic by accident, changing the battle’s outcome immensely, and then fining players a sum of money to add insult to injury. <p>Deciding to patent this idea seems a bit strange considering every game essentially dishes out penalties for failing to do what you’re supposed to do, but the “Law” system in the Tactics games featured on Nintendo’s handhelds is a large part of the subseries. Stranger still is the fact that Square Enix hasn’t revisited the idea in nearly six years. The HD remake of Final Fantasy X would’ve surely been improved by having yellow cards been dished out during Blitzball.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>With new ideas in the industry arising all the time, it’s safe to say patents aren’t going anywhere fast. Whether good or bad, the industry will most likely be shaped by them--no matter what they happen to be centered on. So, what do you, dear readers, think about these patents? Are there any other ones you’ve heard about that left you scratching your head? Let us know in the comments.<p><i><b>And if you're interested in more, check out <a href="" target="new">lawsuits that changed gaming forever</a> and <a href="" target="new">the most fiendish anti-piracy tricks</a>. </b></i></p> </caption> </div> Tue, 20 May 2014 11:00:00 -0700 features that got cut from your favorite games <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>You might not notice at first. You’re going along, saving princesses and blowing up mechs in your genre-confused video game of choice, and it’s a decent experience. Maybe it starts to feel like something’s missing, or maybe you don’t pick up on anything at all. But soon enough, whether it’s through game forums, developer interviews or that one know-it-all friend of yours, you discover the terrible truth: that game used to have an awesome feature that would have been amazing to see for yourself, but it was forsaken and disappeared from the code forever.</p> <p>Whether it’s a change that weakens the story, removes intense gameplay sequences, or just cuts something that would have been really super fun (<i>come ooooon</i>), it’s sad to know that these features will never come to be. I feel your pain, friend, and in honor of that, I bring you 12 awesome features cut from some of the biggest games of the past decade. Which is kind of... the opposite of helpful, but we can always cry together.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The sick and brilliant minds at Valve are masters of dark comedy--they can joke about everything from dementia to burning people alive, and you'll laugh every time (don't lie). But apparently even Valve has its limits, and they hover somewhere around player-assisted suicide and recording a woman being brutalized.</p> <p>Once upon a time, a sequence existed in Portal 2 where Cave Johnson, mind trapped in a crappy computer in the bowels of Aperture Science, begged Chell to end his no-mouth-must-scream existence, and she had to oblige in order to progress. Another bit of cut dialogue features Caroline begging not to be forced into a robot body, but Johnson's actor J.K. Simmons refused to record his part because of the scene’s very unfortunate implications. These events certainly would have added a new dimension for the story and (in the case of computer-Cave) upped the dark humor that Portal is famous for. It’s a bummer to see them gone, but then again, if the guy who played a neo-Nazi on Oz says it's bad…</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Alice: Madness Returns is a miracle of a game. Shelved following a sequence of project cancellations, it seemed like it would never come to be, but demand stayed strong and Madness hit the shelves 10 years after the release of the original American McGee's Alice. However, the extended development came at a price, and some really cool stuff ended up on the cutting room floor.</p> <p>The saddest of the bunch were the dismantling of a parallel "real world" story and the decreased role of the Cheshire Cat. Originally Alice was going to fall into Wonderland after killing her alcoholic nurse, and would frequently flash to the real world with a dead body nearby and the police after her. This would have created a greater mystery for the story, and intensified the sense of Alice's madness, but was ultimately cut due to time constraints. The Cheshire Cat was also meant to return as a summonable character, but this was removed for unknown reasons. Instead, the terrifying feline shows up at his discretion, when you least expect him. Lovely.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Assassin's Creed ain't your parents' history. (Well it is, but--nevermind.) Forget date-memorizing or ten-pound tomes, this series skips to the good parts and brings the past’s most pulse-pounding events straight to your screen. Black Flag is no exception, letting players experience the Golden Age of Piracy through awesome seafaring adventures and explosive ship battles with some of the era’s greatest historical figures. Only they removed one of the most epic examples of the latter. Boo.</p> <p>Ubisoft had once planned to have Edward Kenway participate in the high seas battle that led to the arrest of Calico Jack, Mary Read, and Anne Bonny. If your high school history classes skived on the piracy lessons, I’ll catch you up: it was the tightest shit ever, with Read and Bonny fending off the British dogpile until they were overrun. Getting to participate in that would have been an adrenaline-pumping pirate extravaganza (plus educational!), but alas, it was shuffled into the background early in development. It's like a knife in the heart... or back, or wherever. Or a plank walk. What else did pirates do?</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Rareware was (<i>was</i>, sob) all about quirky British humor in its heyday. The foremost experts of fourth-wall breaking and denizens of double-entendres, Rare was probably one of the most self-aware companies out there. It got to the point that they even started manipulating the shortcomings of the consoles they were developing for. Too bad Nintendo stomped on their most ambitious effort, a little thing from Banjo-Kazooie called Stop N' Swop, by fixing the error that allowed it to work. Jeez, spoilsports.</p> <p>For those who've never heard of this bizarre feature, it worked like this: because original N64 consoles kept game data active for up to ten seconds after they were shut off, Rare intended to have items hidden throughout Banjo-Kazooie that unlocked bonuses in Banjo-Tooie, and could be transferred between the two as long as the player switched the cartridges fast enough. Sadly, Nintendo updated the 64's hardware to only keep data active for one second, pretty much killing the feature… right after Nintendo Power announced it to the world. Er, whoops?</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>As weird as it sounds, sometimes content gets cut for just being too good. Maybe it's a side quest so engaging it draws attention away from the main story. Maybe it's a feature that blows everything else of the water, and the devs nix it to keep the rest of the game from looking like crap. Whatever the reason, it does happen, and we're guessing that's to blame for a mountain of content cut from Skyrim’s Civil War plot.</p> <p>While the Civil War still exists, it was once a lot more dynamic and complex: originally, the player was going to be able to capture territory, gather support for the cause, and experience events like the Battle of Whiterun a lot more often. It would have felt more like a <i>real</i> civil war, and a substantial amount of the work for it was already done by the time it was cut. What drove the decision is a mystery--maybe they thought players would die of amazement and they'd lose most of their market. Yeah, let's go with that one.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Oswald the Lucky Rabbit is an anti-hero type--a guy who starts Epic Mickey in hate with the titular mouse for getting the fame and glory he thinks is rightfully his. Over the course of the game he becomes more sympathetic, ultimately teaming up with Mickey to beat the big bad, blah blah rainbows and sunshine and they lived happily ever after. It wasn't always that way though: once upon a time Oswald was actually the final boss, and a nasty piece of work.</p> <p>Originally, Oswald was going to side with the Phantom Blot to take revenge on Mickey by becoming a globby beast called the Storm Blot. However, the devs apparently got softhearted and shifted Oswald into the role of a hero, leaving the Phantom Blot to its devices. Given how Epic Mickey was supposed to be a darker take on Disney, it would have been cool to see this one played out. How much grittier would it be to slowly develop a friendship with this character, only to have him turn on you at the end? Et tu, Oswald?</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>The best laid plans of mice and men (and humanoid bird people) fall at the feet of development demands, and even Mass Effect isn’t immune. Coming off a vibrant and well-loved story, Bioware doled out one of the most contentious endings in recent gaming to wide fan outcry. What makes that worse is the realization that early on, there was another ending waiting in the wings involving dark energy, and it sounded pretty freaking cool.</p> <p>Dark energy, mentioned by curious Quarians during Tali's loyalty missions, can be used to develop amazing technological advancements, but may also be accelerating the destruction of the universe. In that version of events, the Reapers were actually eliminating advanced civilizations to keep them from learning to use dark energy and hastening the end of existence, creating some real conflict over who’s in the right. However, the idea was dropped when lead writer Drew Karpyshyn left the project. That’s a shame, because it seems many fans would have preferred the sudden heat death of the Mass Effect universe to the ending that they got. Maybe that would have been the fourth option?</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Final Fantasy fans sure seem to love their androgynous boy-wonder protagonists, and if that's what they want then Square Enix is happy to give it to them. However, after a while it starts to look like a chicken-or-egg situation: do fans actually want to play as these guys, or are they just gritting their teeth and bearing it? This question should have been asked during development for Final Fantasy XII, which was originally going to star Basch fon Ronsenberg before he was replaced with Vaan.</p> <p>Basch, a dutiful 30-year-old knight framed for the death of his king, is a fascinating character with a lot going on. However, Square feared he would be as poorly received as the middle-aged protagonist of Vagrant Story, so they cobbled together the half-shirt-wearing teenager Vaan as a replacement. That left little time to actually work Vaan into the story. That explains why, a quarter of the way through FF12, the game forgets what it's doing or who its main character is--all because Square thought its fans couldn't handle an Adam's apple and some facial hair.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Shigeru Miyamoto once said that a delayed game is eventually good, but a bad game is forever bad. Then LucasArts flipped him the bird and dangled a light saber over Obsidian Entertainment's head, screaming "HOLIDAY RELEASE" through a bullhorn. That completely factual happening sums up the development of Knights of the Old Republic 2, which (among other buggy issues) forced the removal of a definitive and thoughtful ending that the game desperately needed.</p> <p>Pressured to ship before the 2004 holiday season, Obsidian had to remove various locations from the game due to time constraints, as well as bypass fixing some egregious bugs. Then came the ending, which was supposed to wrap up the game's expansive story by showing what happened to everyone the player had travelled with during her journey. While this was supposed to happen gracefully over time, it was cut due to the crunch, and instead Darth Traya goes all story-time-boys-and-girls and exposits the heck out of everyone's fates. Man, the anticlimax is strong with this one.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Saints Row isn’t known for being subtle, restrained or reality-conforming, and that’s exactly how we like it. From carsurfing to torpedoing ice cream trucks to using an octopus gun because <i>why not</i>, the series is one big, ridiculous playground where players can get their crazy fun on. However, even Saints Row has to conform to the passage of time (though I’m sure they’re working on that), so they can’t realize every insane idea that comes to mind. One such scrapped feature was a little thing called Freegunning, which sounds painfully awesome.</p> <p>Originally set to appear in Saints Row: The Third, the concept is what it says on the tin: you freerun and shoot things at the same time. It’s beautiful in its simplicity--imagine your character parkouring through the game environment while firing like a maniac at full sprint with whatever weapon suited their fancy. It would be madness, it would be chaos, and it would be <i>absolutely amazing</i>. It almost makes you sad that we got a purple dildo bat instead.</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Most Pokemon rumors should be taken with a grain of salt--it was once widely believed that the legendary progenitor Mew spent all of Red/Blue hiding under a truck. Still, some tales of scrapped Pokemon features seem to hold water, such as the suggestion that Professor Oak was once your ultimate opponent. Now, bear with me here...</p> <p>Though it may sound like a joke dreamed up in the depths of Cheezburger, data gleaned from Pokemon Red and Blue shows an opponent model for the aged Poke-expert, along with a set of high-level monsters all his own. The line-up is also very similar to that of your rival, suggesting that the Professor might have been a final boss at one point or another. It would have been an epic example of the young defeating the old, but somewhere along the line it was unfortunately dummied out. Now the fight can only be accessed through manipulating glitches, though it might be worth a try--shut him up about that damn bike once and for all!</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption> <p>Sometimes developers get a bit overzealous with their projects. That usually isn’t a problem in the original planning stages, but once an awesome feature is announced to the world it can be soul-crushing to see it removed. If Bioshock Infinite doesn’t immediately come to mind, you either weren’t paying attention, or don’t care that Elizabeth was almost ten times as badass and Songbird was supposed to be a fightable boss.</p> <p>The beta gameplay trailers for Infinite released a good two years before the game itself showed a more complex array of powers for Elizabeth, from her traditional tear-opening to creating molten balls of metal and blowing up bridges. However, using the powers hurt her, creating an interesting dilemma about what using her was costing. At the same time, the trailer teased that Songbird was an actual boss rather than a set-piece, which oh my god are you kidding me <i>that’s incredible</i>. Sadly, these features were huge and time-consuming, and were ultimately simplified for release. Would you kindly not break our hearts, Irrational?</p></caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>It’s always sad to see these features go, and even when it’s a cut-or-die scenario there’s nothing that quite fills the awesome-thing-sized holes in our hearts. What scrapped feature do you wish you could have experienced? Ever hacked a game in a desperate bid for dummied content? Anything you would sell your firstborn to see in the sequel? Tell us in the comments below, and try not to bleed out that heart-hole.</p><p><i><b>For more, check out <a href="" target="new">22 things every gamer kid has heard from their parents</a> and <a href="" target="new">First!!!! moments every gamer remembers</a>. </b></i></p></caption> </div> Tue, 22 Apr 2014 11:28:01 -0700 franchises that would be amazing with Virtual Reality <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>The future is closer than ever before. Or, at least, it’s <i>coming</i>, thanks to Sony’s recently announced Project Morpheus virtual reality headset and Facebook’s surprising purchase of the Oculus Rift. Numerous companies have been fine-tuning the VR experience for over a year now, and the potential of the technology looks to be coming soon for gamers with Rift and Morpheus, and in a (hopefully) affordable package. We could soon be living in the future that early ‘90s films like <i>Lawnmower Man</i> promised. <p>Though retail headsets may not actually launch in the next year, my mind is already racing with ideas. Are developers already working on VR titles? Will the technology become popular or even standard on PS4? Will Nintendo and Microsoft be forced to jump on the VR bandwagon? There are dozens more questions to be answered, but in the end it all comes down to what you’re playing, and there are eight franchises that are deserving of the VR treatment ASAP.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Though most first-person shooters would likely be enhanced by VR in some way, Battlefield has specific action movie qualities that would make an Oculus or Morpheus game awesome. Watching a skyscraper fall before your eyes as you hear bullets whiz right past your head would be intense, and given DICE’s history of making gorgeous games, you know their VR-optimized Frostbite engine would look fantastic. <p>Plus, some of the franchise’s unique modes could mesh well with virtual reality. For instances, Battlefield 4’s Commander Mode has a level of omniscience that could lend a sense of truly god-like power when experienced in a virtual environment. DICE wouldn’t have to change much, either--the ability to hop between ally perspectives on the fly, call in airstrikes, and even just view a battle unfolding from afar would be notably enhanced by VR. It could propel the mode far out of gimmick territory, and morph it into something truly thrilling and unique.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>I’ve never found first-person games to be more immersive solely by virtue of their perspective, but bringing a series like Amnesia to virtual reality would probably go a long way in convincing me otherwise. Just thinking about the possibilities creeps me out--and that’s exactly the feeling I want while playing it. In particular, the sanity mechanic from Amnesia: Dark Descent would make a fantastically terrifying VR pairing. I’m pretty sure chucking a bunch of furniture in front of a door to keep a monster out would suddenly become a lot more compelling if it actually felt real. <p>Perhaps more exciting, though, would be if in-game sanity levels moved roughly in tandem with the player’s actual fear, which could correspond to something measurable, like your real-life heart rate. Requiring substantive calm outside the game to survive would be a challenging mental test, and though it might be asking too much of the fainthearted, it’d take realism to unprecedented levels.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>While it may not be the first series that comes to mind, virtual reality would be a smart addition to Hideo Kojima’s famed stealth games. Upping the Metal Gear ante with the immersion and, well, realism VR devices allow only stands to make the games that much more mesmerizing. It could also make the series’ <a href="" target="new">stranger moments</a> a lot more creepy, but that seems like a fair trade-off. <p>It’s reasonable to assume the game would be at least partially first person, and if so, PlayStation Move could be implemented for a fresher approach to gunplay. The Wii had its fair share of awesomely precise motion controlled shooters, and though calling Metal Gear a “shooter” is a stretch (even with a perspective change), it’d likely benefit from precise VR aiming. Beyond that, sizing up areas pre-infiltration, sneaking under the cover of a cardboard box, or simply experiencing the series’ one-of-a-kind plot delivery up close and personal all have fantastic Morpheus potential.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Most would agree that VR BioShock would be awesome--it seems almost made for the technology. Just experiencing the dense worlds of Rapture and Columbia up lose would be worth the price of admission. And then there’s the potential to use Plasmids and/or Vigors in virtual reality. Ideally, they’d be motion controlled, allowing you to actually thrust your hands and arms forward to unleash your character’s powers. It’d be great to receive varied force feedback for each one; firing a stream of water would afford a dull vibration, while launching fireballs would result in quick, intense blasts. <p>Each ability could require a slightly different motion from the player, ultimately allowing for even more complex strings of attack than in past BioShocks. Gunplay would still be included, of course, but virtual reality would help put the emphasis on the supernatural, leaving more traditional shooter segments less heavily depended on. Gunning down foes was the least interesting part of BioShock Infinite, though seeing the blood fly in your face after a melee attack would surely spice up the standard combat.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Like BioShock, Killzone has the promise of taking first-person action even more exciting by experiencing the sci-fi world up close. And though I’ve no doubt that multiplayer would be awesome, Killzone: Shadow Fall has made me pretty excited for what a virtual reality Killzone campaign mode would be like. The stealth sections of that game would certainly be improved by the VR factor, and if Guerilla Games continues to make the series more open-ended, its futuristic, war-torn stages would begin to feel less like levels and more like chunks of an actual word--something few war shooters seem able to achieve. <p>Not only that, but after headlining the PS4 launch, Killzone seems like a perfect match to lead the way on PS4’s Morpheus. In the short term it may actually be brought to Shadow Fall itself, though I’m betting we’d all like to see an original Killzone title or new DLC made specifically for Sony’s eyewear.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Skyrim in virtual reality is a painfully obvious choice. How obvious, you ask? So much so that it’s <a href="" target="new">already been done</a>--by radical Oculus modders, that is. And while watching somebody run on a VR treadmill like a brainwashed hamster is probably the only thing worse than seeing your <a href="" target="new">own reflection</a> in your 3DS screen, that certainly doesn’t mean virtual reality Elder Scrolls wouldn’t be incredibly, <i>palpably</i> amazing. <p>As seen in the above video, a companion PlayStation Move could be used for a number of different game mechanics, from pulling back to fire a bow Skyward Sword-style to actually swatting at enemies with your oversized VR weapon. As one YouTube commenter points out, a rig like this going mainstream would certainly “eliminate fat gamers,” though it’s questionable whether something that humiliating would ultimately spur strong sales. I suppose as long as you make sure no one films you flailing, there’s nothing to worry about.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>This would depend on an eventual VR product from Nintendo actually happening, but I couldn’t resist--it’s too perfect. For pre HD graphics, Metroid Prime was one of the most artistically detailed games ever created, and though it’s begun to show its age just a hair in recent times, I can’t think of anything that would reassert Prime’s artistic dominance more than a full-fledged virtual world. Perhaps set on Zebes? Maybe that’s a tad too hopeful. <p>Aiming in Metroid Prime has already been mapped to the Wii Remote superbly with the third entry Corruption (and the Trilogy Wii re-release), so that can remain largely untouched. Retro Studios appear available in its post-DK state, and bringing VR to Metroid could allow the series trademark sense of dread and utter aloneness to evolve in interesting ways. Though VR might actually take those feelings too far--if I’m found curled in a ball crying after a play session, you’ll know Nintendo made it too realistic.</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>Though nobody really knows what thatgamecompany is planning for their next title, it doesn’t change the fact that Journey was one of the most impactful games of the last gaming generation. Personally, I found the game to be a near-religious experience, and planting myself in the shoes of the its adorable robed beings, standing in the hot desert sand would really take Journey to the next level. I’d even buy a pricey VR treadmill to experience it. <p>In this case, it’s difficult to assess how the game ought to control; should it stick with the tried-and-true DualShock or adapt to the Move? There’s nothing in Journey that would really be improved by motion controls, and because you don’t use weapons or even engage in combat, it’s really just a matter of how you’re going to traverse the world. Given that much of the game’s charm involves simply navigating its uncommon beauty, I think being able to physically look around and traverse its world, joystick or otherwise, would be more than enough. I truly hope somebody important pitches VR Journey to Sony (if they haven’t already).</caption> </div> <div> <img src=""/> <caption><p>These games are just the beginning. Depending on Morpheus’ ability to catch on when it launches, we may see other franchises get the VR treatment as well--or new IPs entirely. Regardless, it’ll be interesting to see whether virtual reality is gaming’s new control paradigm, or just a passing fad of the new generation. By the looks of things, it may even work in tandem with last generation’s passing fad--motion controls--in many cases. <p><i><b>Just getting up to speed? Check out <a href="" target="new">everything we know about Morpheus</a>, and let us know which franchises you think need a VR overhaul the most.</i></b></caption> </div> Thu, 27 Mar 2014 15:00:57 -0700