I dont know where to begin. But I think that to describe my problems You need to know the facts that I have been molested by my father in my childhood, I reflected it in my plays, these plays really took the stress off me. I usually took the doll, undressed her and I pretended that someone other than my father, but still somebody adult wanted to see her naked and to touch her, I always did it on myself, I mean I took off my underpants and cried that I didn t want somebody to touch me, but still they told me they have to. In the role of somebody were my teachers, actors, adult people I had known. I felt psychological relief. I still continue it (I am adult so I imagine situation where I am dependent on somebody)but only in my thoughts. Simultaneously when I was about four I started masturbating by crossing my legs, my mom saw it and hated it, she admitted that throughout the childhood she didn t like me at all. It was very compulsive, I even counted it and it could be even 40 per once ( I don t know if they were orgasm, but it was definietely the climax of sth, usually after one time when I imagined myself very dependant on somebody touching me I started feeling angry and sad but my body still had the pleasure and some climaxes throughout the other 39 times). When I was 14 I started to feel pressure on my bladder, an urge to urine, nothing else, no pain or pinching just an urge and I urined in droplets, I still do. It s very annoying but I got used to. But know I see it gets worse after orgasm ( I never get orgasm through touching my clittoris but only through squeezing my legs, but now it s usually 2 to 3 times). My questions are : 1.Are the problems with urining connected to my psychology or it may be something wrong with me inside me, physically? 2. Is it wrong that I don t get climax when I touch my clittoris even when I am aroused, it sometimes gets even not pleasant, and may be painful although I am not violent in it? 3. May these problems mentioned above be connected with the fact that when I was 11 my father violently put me on ground in the way I was lying and then kicked me, mostly in the lower parts of body, and the next day I had the bleeding from the vagina. I thought I got my period then, but lately I started thinking that it could have been because of this kicking, especially that next bleeding was after a year when I was 12, then I had maybe 2 periods and a gap year. I read somewhere that it s normal to have a year gap after two periods so now I think I didn t have 2 gaps, but the 1 st bleeding was because of kicking. I have a problem with going to a gynaecologist because in some way I want to, to feel the pleasure I have from imagining, and in the dependency the situation makes I feel aroused, it s very embarrasing. Unfortunately so far I met gynaecologist who were rather brittle, and for instance told me Come when You start your sexual life , moreover I am so embarrased that some man/woman it doesn t make difference may see I am aroused. It s very uncomfortable, and most importantly I would use her/him by going to gynaecologist. Would You feel used knowing that your patient feels sexual arousement because of the situation?
DearWelcome to Chat Doctor understand your concerns went through your details. I suggest you not to worry much. I sincerely opine that your fantasies and obsessions are revolving around that incident happened when you were 11. This happens because you are keeping your thinking around what happened then. You must shake your self off. What ever happened is past and has nothing to do with future. But if you become obsessive about it, then it shall ruin your future creating anxiety. The mannerism you are showcasing are normal and do not worry about that. Please describe the whole problem detail and post a direct question to me. I shall definitely help you with psychotherapy techniques to overcome obsessive thoughts. Hope this answers your query. Available for further clarifications. Good luck.