@juliussharpe: I like to pretend I'm on "American Idol" by holding a piece of paper with a number on it and running out of a room like an idiot.
@gengen874: Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
@markleggett: Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.
@rcromwell4: My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
@EddieHarris216: TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down. Me: Hang on. (Sets up pottery wheel) (Turns on unchained melody) Let's do this.