TEXT: Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  A Tunnels and Trolls Political Satire Solitaire Adventure 
   
  By Mark Thornton 
   
  Covers & Art by Stanley Ditko 
   
  Published by Khaghbboommm Press 
   
   
  Tunnels and Trolls is a game created by Ken St. Andre and published by Flying Buffalo, 
  Inc. For use with the 7.5 edition rules (although it is easily adapted for earlier editions and 
  also used with the new deluxe Tunnels & Trolls). 
   
  Disclaimer: You should know in advance this modern solitaire is filled with an untold 
  number of parodies, political incorrectness at its worst or best, depending if you like it, dark 
  twisted political humour, jabs and barbs aimed at pretty much everyone possible (anyone we 
  missed, I’m very sorry). Even the artwork is intended to be as goofy as the writing (if such a 
  thing is possible). If at some point during this solo you become offended, stop playing it 
  immediately and write your thoughts down on a piece of paper, fold it, then lay it in the trash 
  can. This author will find it (trust me). If you have something very nice to say to this author, 
  you can e-mail him at: mark.findlayrd@gmail.com 
   
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
   
   
  You are in charge of the most powerful country in the world and mighty military forces are at 
  your disposal – a mere word or the push of a button can bring death to millions and redraw 
  maps. It can also commit your country to catch-up deficit budgets for years ahead and sprout 
  up a bunch of sonless mothers but there’s money to be made if you’re invested in the right 
  munitions company and most mothers’ votes won’t be swayed by one less place to set at the 
  dinner table. There’s not much point in having power if you don’t throw it around and it’s 
  always better to make a mess in someone else’s backyard. Hardly a day goes past without a 
  new opportunity for glory… 
   
  1 
  ‘Hey, Chief – there’s some evil dudes over in some foreign country dropping some very 
  nasty chemical weapons on their own people! Can you believe that? Like we’d ever do 
  anything to hurt our own people! It’s not right, Chief – you going to do something about it, 
  right Chief?’ 
  If you want to take action and put a stop to this heinous atrocity go to 5; if you think 
  that’s none of your business, that you have work you were elected to do and leave them to 
  scrap it out amongst themselves go to 10. 
   
  2 
  ‘Ah. Chief… that was the Pentagon self-destruct button. Oh well, we won’t miss them 
  (we sure didn’t actually – look at that mushroom cloud!). Now press the green one… that’s it, 
  over and out.’ Close the book. 
   
  3 
  ‘They’re eating putty out of our hands now, Chief. You’ve got a carte balance to load up 
  and drive through the gates of Soddom and Gomorrah now, Chief. That red nose we had 
  superimposed on the Democrat leader shore made him look like a clown. No more of this Mr. 
  Reasonable, Chief – the American people want to see a swagger, someone who’s going to 
  kick sand in the teeth of the little guy all over the globe.’ 
  If you want to take the bull by the scruff of his horns, sabre rattle and send in the marines 
  go to 48; if you still want to talk about how the lots of the average man on the streets needs 
  improving and how we’re all sisters together on Mother Earth go to 68. 
   
  4 
  ‘Chief! We’ve got the biggest army in history. What shall we do? Head south and annex 
  Mexico or go north and civilise those Frenchies and get all the maple syrup?’  
  You have enough soldiers to take down two continents – your power is total.  
  Close the book. 
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  5 
  ‘OK! Way to go Chief! Show the world who’s top dog, huh? You going to send some big, 
  fast planes to nuke ‘em or you going to do some spying first so we know where to hit‘em and 
  hurt‘em best?’  
  If you want to going steaming right in go to 15; if you want to send out some spy planes 
  to get some information to help you direct your attack and maybe put a nice gloss on it for the 
  press go to 20. 
   
  6 
  ‘Sorry about this, Chief. We would have like to impeach you for insanity or treason or 
  something constitutional but we just don’t have the time. These bullets don’t really hurt, 
  they’re dum-dums. Keep smiling through to the Great Beyond, Chief!’  
  Close the book. You have died for your country and receive full military honours. 
   
  7 
  ‘Say, Chief, you going to talk down the barrel of a gun and how you’re going to discharge 
  your duties or you going to give them a lecture on civic responsibilities and how they 
  discharge theirs?’ If you want to use gun barrel diplomacy go to 14; if you want to pass the 
  pipe of peace go to 51. 
   
  8 
  ‘Stop, Chief! Wait a second. There are two kids on the lawn fighting. One’s about seven 
  and he’s beating on a kid three years younger. It’ll be great PR if you hold back on the 
  invasion for five minutes and sort this scrap out!’  
  If you want to go for the publicity coup go to 24; if you think this kind of intervention 
  would encourage the kids to be soft, liberal spongers off the state go to 26. 
   
  9 
  ‘Hey, Chief – it’s going to be touch to clean those tank tracks now they’ve got Democrat 
  smeared all over them. That’s saved a lot of political salaries though – you can vote yourself 
  a raise. Are you ready to fire the nukes now, Chief?’  
   
   
   
  If you tell your aide you’re ready to set off some fireworks go to 17; if you’d rather ride 
  some more in your tank, maybe entering the Big Apple in style go to 61. 
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  10 
  ‘Hey, Chief! Some of them liberal, cheap, sensationalist media guys are saying you’re 
  gay or a commie or both. Even some that like us say you’ve got a yellow streak and are 
  scared of little guys who wear dresses. Chief, you got to do something or you’ll be even less 
  popular than Jimmy C ever was!’  
  If you want to call a press conference and tell them you’ve had new information that 
  makes you suspect that the Zyrians’ attack on their own people is merely a practice run for an 
  attack on Americans so you have decided to strike back go to 25; if you call a press 
  conference to tell the country what a nice guy you are and how there’s important stuff at 
  home there isn’t the money to fix so you can’t waste billions on a war somewhere you’re not 
  even sure really exists go to 30. 
   
  11 
  ‘That was a sweet move, Chief. That nice Mr. CEO has sent you a present. You get to 
  drive round in a tank and you can go straight through those liberals who are whining about 
  constitutional rights. We’ve got them lined up – all you have to do is twist the throttle and 
  they’re pulp!’  
  If you want to flatten your political opponents go to 9; if you want to have a televised 
  debate with them to legitimise your new powers go to 53. 
   
  12 
  ‘That’s a nice punch, Chief – you hammered the kid. Look at him blubbing! That’s a neat 
  move to jump on them both with elbows to the throats. Hey, Chief, stop! 
  They’re only kids. I know you taught them a lesson but I don’t know how this 
  is going to look on television.’  
  If you want to nail both kids up to the wall as examples go to 58; if you 
  want to cradle the smaller kid in your arms and weep go to 32. 
   
  13 
  ‘This is a great report, Chief. The guy’s 
  some kind of Walt Whitman with words. Look 
  – it says here that all the Democrats in the 
  House are really Zyrians with masks and false 
  moustaches and the White House is really a 
  mosque where they hold secret meetings with 
  the Devil. You’ve got to stop them now, Chief!’  
  If you want to go to Def Con 1 and bomb 
  the White House go to 8; if you want to send the 
  report to Harvard and Yale for verification go to 6. 
   
  14 
  ‘Did you see the way they were sobbing when you 
  cocked the trigger, Chief? Probably some of them were 
  Asians anyway. Now everyone in the Senate’s voting your 
  way or not at all. It’d be really unifying for this great nation with God on it’s side if you did a 
  universal draft – get everyone on boats and let everyone get a piece of Zyria, Chief. What do 
  you say?’  
  If you want to draft the entire population go to 4; if you just want to send in the regular 
  troops and let everyone else watch on pay TV go to 54 (the TV company will give you 25% 
  of the box office). 
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  15 
  ‘Hey, Chief. Those garlic snorting French and those failed, quitter commies form 
  Moscow say you shouldn’t do it. They’ll take sanctions against us if you don’t back off. 
  Maybe you should give them a taste of the medicine too, Chief, or tell them to go jump into a 
  lake of vodka.’  
  If you want to give the UN Security Council the bird and fire the big nukes go to 23; if 
  you are willing to enter an emergency UN debate go to 36. 
   
  16 
  ‘Uh. Chief…there were a lot of nations voting against a missile strike. Turns out that the 
  footage of the Zyrian atrocities was part of a Hollywood blockbuster made by Spielberg. 
  You’ve nuked the rest of the world –we’re politically isolated now. There was some guy from 
  Noozeeland named key saying we could do what we like over there but by the time we 
  understood his accent it was too late. You’ve re-drawn the map, Chief.’  
  Live long and prosper despite those prevailing winds.  
  Close the book. 
   
  17 
  ‘There’s a black box with a skull and crossbones on the lid, Chief. Ronnie painted it 
  himself. We had to erase it because it looked more like genitalia but we got a chimp to do a 
  better job with its foot. Not sure which button you should push, Chief. The red one looks 
  coolest but the black one is bigger.’  
   
   
   
  If you want to push the red button go to 29; if you press the black button go to 49. 
   
  18 
  ‘That freaked them, Chief. They can’t get by without their regular dose of improbable, 
  morally bankrupt action flicks. There all bowing down to portraits of you and flying our flag. 
  You’ve made the world American, Chief. There’ll be burgers, fries and coke for everyone!’  
  Assume your divinity and know the whole world has reached the peak of human happiness. 
  Close the book. 
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  19 
  That kid’s tough, Chief. It’d look great on the screens across the nation if you could take 
  him out. Go on, Chief, you can do it!’  
  If you want to take a swing at the kid go to 12; if you want to parade him on Fox shooting 
  the breeze with you in the Oval Office go to 56. 
   
  20 
  ‘Our planes got kind of lost, Chief – they ended up in Paris, Had such a great time they 
  told us best not to bomb the place. Some of that foreign food is great, they say, if you can 
  stand all those garlic snails they put on everything. Anyhow, we haven’t got any reports on 
  Zyria but we have got this young guy out of college who wants to be a writer. Marvel didn’t 
  want him so we could get him to write a report. What do you think, Chief?’  
  If you want to let the young Turk use his imagination and tell it like it is go to 13; if you 
  think you’ve wasted enough time and are ready for the first strike go to 17. 
   
  21 
  ‘Chief! This isn’t working – there not listening. They all got their own agendas, paid for a 
  by multi-nationals. If you give one of these corporate tax exemption and unlimited mining 
  rights to some small country in Africa they should come around. ’ 
  If you want to give the CEO with the biggest hat and cigar a free foreign country go to 
  11; if you tell them it’s not about money it’s about truth and decency go to 39. 
   
  22 
  ‘Hey, Chief – it’s good to see so many of our citizens 
  are chowing down and enjoying their constitutional right 
  to bear arms. You’re going to go down in history, Chief, 
  as the first President to greet the voters exercising their 
  inalienable right to test their forearms. There’s a bunch of 
  them here now to see you. They say you’ve done a great 
  job but you’re still a politician and that flies in the face of 
  freedom. Do you want this blindfold, Chief? Dubya said it 
  was his legacy from when he had a cold.’  
  Close the book. 
   
  23 
  ‘Umm, Chief – the nukes are on their way but we 
  hadn’t set the co-ordinates since we dropped the big one 
  on Hiroshima. Those Japs are going to get an early 
  morning wake up call!’  
  Do you want to get on the phone to world leaders 
  admitting you made a big, big, mistake (go to 41) or do you think, ‘what the heck,’ and fire 
  some more (go to 45)? 
   
  24 
  ‘Hey, Chief! The bigger kid’s just bitten the little kid’s ear off. It’s great television! Do 
  you want to have the big kid fly with you and give him a medal or shall we concentrate on the 
  little one? We could do a DNA test on the blood – there’s lots of it! – and say he’s really a 
  Zyrian infiltrator and we can put him on Death Row.’  
  If you want to make the big kid a hero go to 19; if you want to settle the score for the little 
  guy go to 12. 
  First President
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  25 
  ‘We’ve just got the ratings, Chief. That was sensational! They think an attack on us is 
  imminent but when you told them we’d seen their head guy eating babies with ketchup on 
  sticks the polls went from 5% support for military action to 15%! That’s a lead of 10% over 
  those pinkos who want to send them food parcels. Everyone’s running scared and the stores 
  have run out of canned foods. Everyone says the Zyrians are coming and they’re getting their 
  guns and hiding under their beds! Your stocks in bed, gun and canned food corporations are 
  rocketing, Chief. You’re rich! Well, richer because that tax-syphoning legislation had already 
  made you a zillionaire on the computers. What you going to do now? People want action, 
  they want it Hollywood style!’  
  If you want to declare martial law and a state of emergency go to 33; if you want to get 
  into your personal rocket and make for safety on the luxury resort you had built on Mars as a 
  tax write off go to 37. 
   
  26 
  ‘Good thinking, Chief. Wait a cotton picking moment. Those kids don’t look like real 
  kids – they aren’t eating burgers and they haven’t got Nintendos. Do you want them sent to 
  Guantanamo Bay for interrogation? They may have state secrets – they may be Moslem 
  midgets infiltrating the CIA, the FBI and even the White House!’  
   
   
   
  If you want to have them picked up by a SWAT team and made to talk go to 38; if you 
  want to pat them on the heads and give them a pep talk about liberty, justice and tolerance go 
  to 42. 
   
  27 
  ‘Hey, Chief – you go to dress like these guys do or you’ll stick out like sore thumb and 
  you’ll be a target for every assassin. Want to try this on, Chief?’  
  If you go native go to 68; if you put on your Ronald Macdonald suit and go out amongst 
  the local populace so that they can touch the hem of your garment go to 67. 
   
  28 
  ‘Uh, Chief…we’re in Texas. They have the death penalty here…and the biggest drop in 
  the Union. I’ll come by on the hanging day if you survive the ten years on Death Row, 
  Chief.’  
  Close the book as the first President to be sentenced to death. 
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  29 
  ‘Hey, Chief. You did great. You hit that button, no messing, no sirree! You sure are one 
  finger on the button President. That nuke sure scared the beejeezus out of them Zyrians when 
  it came down on Switzerland. So much for their red cross! Do you want to go wave to the 
  crowds cheering out there or do you want to go into a televisual head-to-head conference 
  with the Zyrian leader – you can really rub it in to that guy’s sore spots, Chief!’  
  If you want to take the plaudits of the baying electorate go to 55; if you want to stick your 
  tongue out against the big bad bogeyman go to 59. 
   
  30 
  ‘Chief, that went down like a lead balloon. Our people are telling your people that my 
  people think our people should get you to do a re-think – tell them you’ve seen pictures of 
  mothers having to eat their babies because their starving, tell them kids are having to burn 
  their own parents to keep warm over there. You can break down in tears in front of the 
  cameras and they’ll love you, maybe even nominate you for an Oscar.’  
  If you want to set up a prime time slot on Zetterman go to 35; if you want to call a State 
  of the Nation address and tell the country that you’re going to stick to tackling real issues like 
  unemployment, health, education and law and order go to 40. 
   
  31 
  Hey, Chief. Those boats we stole from those refugees…they weren’t really seaworthy. 
  The whole population drowned off the coast of Cuba but the good news is no one’s blaming 
  you. You get the best of everything and you can do whatever you like so nothing’s really 
  changed. Good job, Chief. We can change the Constitution now and you can live out the rest 
  of your life as President.’  
  You win – close the book. 
   
  32 
  ‘Aw, Chief, that’s cute. No – wait! The 
  media guys say that makes you look a 
  cissy, like you want to have sex change or 
  something. You’ve got to do something 
  fast, Chief!’  
  If you want to bounce the kid on his 
  head and shoot a three-pointer with him go 
  to 57; if you want to carry on playing the 
  nice guy go to 60. 
   
  33 
  ‘Hey, Chief – there’s a bunch of 
  senators who are insisting on having a vote about this war of yours and they think they can 
  stop you! Don’t let them dictate to you, Chief! It isn’t right and it isn’t democratic. You’ve 
  got God on your side, Chief. You’ve got to stand up to them and do something.’  
  If you want to leak reports about liberal senators being aliens from Mars and not entitled 
  to vote go to 3; if you want to invite them to a meeting in your big plush office with the table 
  that’s almost round like King Arthur’s so that you can give them a reason to change their 
  minds go to 7. 
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  34 
  ‘Look, Chief – there’s nothing here. 
  Just a whole bunch of sand and those 
  creepy ruins. Maybe that old city’s where 
  these weirdoes actually live! Who’d of 
  thought things could be so primitive in this 
  day and age. Look! There’s camels over 
  there – bet they even eat camel burgers! 
  This is a dump, Chief. Is it worth 
  occupying?’  
  If you want to bring over an army to 
  keep the peace go to 62; if you want to 
  press the button and save the world from 
  this sort of unnatural disaster go to 64. 
   
  35 
  ‘Hey, Chief, you were great, especially 
  when you told them about your puppy! 
  We’ve got some great offers from Fox. 
  They want this to be a prime time soap. 
  Just don’t wipe those Zyrians out or we 
  won’t get into a fifth series. How about a 
  romance between you and their leader? We can make him wear a dress and shave his beard 
  short. This has given the world peace and made a lot of money Chief. Great job – you win!’  
  If you want to have a candlelit dinner for two with the Zyrian leader go to 47; if you 
  would rather use your popularity to go ahead with a treason charge against every Senator 
  who’s ever voted against you go to 50. 
   
  36 
  ‘Hey, Chief! Some banana republic is trying to veto your nuke strike against them evil 
  Zyrians. Somewhere like Noozeeland. Sounds like some German cast off. Shall we take them 
  out too and really make them banana boys sit up and take notice, Chief?’  
  If you want to fire missiles against Zyria and everyone voting against you go to 16; if you 
  want to wait to find out how the vote goes go to 44. 
   
  37 
  ‘Uh, Chief, we got a problem. You cut the NASA budget to the equivalent of two cans of 
  Bud last year. We’ve past the moon but we’re heading off towards the sun not Mars and 
  we’ve go no rockets left to fire to change course because you set them off at that fundraiser 
  garden party. What shall we do, Chief?’  
  If you want to press the self-destruct button and go out in a blaze of glory go to 2; if you 
  want to go into a deep meditation go to 68. 
   
  38 
  ‘Those SWAT boys sure know their stuff, Chief! They took those kids out with one 
  grenade. Look! They’re collecting the body parts now. Say! Why don’t we say we found 
  them in that Zyrian leader’s laundry closet – what do you think, Chief?’ If you want to get 
  forensics and a film crew on the job go to 43; if you want to wrap them up neatly in the flag 
  and send them home to their parents with full military honours go to 65. 
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  39 
  ‘Look out, Chief! They’re throwing coconuts at you! That nice guy stuff just doesn’t cut 
  it. Maybe it’s time to get out of here fast unless you want to whack them all with an explosion 
  they’ll never forget! What do you say, Chief?’  
  If you want to use Air Force One to fly down to Cape Kennedy and get off this foreigner-
  infested planet go to 37; if you want to start pushing buttons go to 17. 
   
  40 
   ‘They aren’t buying it, Chief, and, more to the point, the consumers don’t want to hear 
  that sort of watery intellectual theorising. They want to hear about double upsizing on 
  combos and unlimited coke with orders over a dollar. You need to get people seeing you are 
  the good guy again, Chief.’  
  Do you want to send an invasion force of war ships to blitzkrieg the enemy – go to 31 – 
  or do you want to declare Fridays ‘Free Fast Food Day’ and let Macdonalds give away guns 
  with every Big Mac across this great nation – go to 22? 
   
  41 
  ‘Never say ‘sorry’, Chief – never admit you’re wrong. Now they are demanding we ship 
  you over to Nuremburg to stand trial for crimes against humanity. That’s rich, Chief! Like 
  those Slant-Eyes are human! Anyhow, we would have told them to stick it but they offered us 
  some new super-size plasma TVs they’ve just invented. So you’re going to Germany just like 
  Hitler did. Maybe you could grow a little black moustache, Chief!’  
  You get to gobble cyanide pills once chewed by Goebbels.  
  Close the book. 
   
  42 
  ‘We always suspected you were an Islamic 
  sympathiser, Chief. I bet you wear a turban under 
  that toupee, don’t you? I’ve got orders to deal with a 
  situation like this – a knife in the heart will get your 
  attention and it’ll look good on the big screens for 
  the folks back home – the last thing they’ll see is 
  you’re big smile as the blood foams from your 
  mouth.’  
  Close the book. 
   
  43 
  ‘Chief, they’re examining the remains now. It’s 
  pretty gruesome. There’s some BBC reporter saying 
  the Zyrian leader doesn’t have long enough arms to 
  have reached this far to murder them. Got any ideas, 
  Chief?’  
  If you want to say he has arms like Mr. Fantastic and everyone should be very, very 
  afraid go to 63; if you want to admit it was you but everyone should remember that if you 
  spare the rod you spoil the child go to 28. 
   
  44 
  ‘How you going to pitch it then, Chief? Some of them don’t understand English too good 
  – that’s their look out, I say. They should have paid attention in case instead of learning that 
  double Dutch of theirs. You’re on now, Chief.’  
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  If you want to tell them you’ll close down Hollywood if they don’t vote your way go to 
  18; if you want to explain thoroughly why your way is the right way and the only way to 
  meet tyranny in a world made for the free and the brave is through diplomacy go to 21. 
   
  45 
  ‘Hey, Chief! Tokyo is just a smoking hole in the ground but those Nips are mutating 
  faster than you can eat a bargain bucket! There’s an army of King Kong types and a fleet of 
  Godzillas on their way here now and they sure look angry! What are you going to do now, 
  Chief?’  
  If you want to hot tail it down to Cape Kennedy and your own private space rocket go to 
  37; if you want to take the helm of the biggest gun boat in the whole damn navy, USS 
  Chinese Junk, go to 31. 
   
  46 
  ‘Chief, they don’t want to be calmed downed! Now they’re saying you’re a faggot and 
  some big nosed Senator is waving secret documents leaked to Wikipedia on your Caymen 
  Island corporations – they’re trying to impeach you for all sorts of things no reasonable 
  person would object to, only commies and moslems would think taking 20% of the tax take 
  to buy gas masks from your private gas mask corporation is anything other than the free 
  market economy protecting this consumer paradise we’ve gifted to the world. How are you 
  going to deal with this ungrateful, whinging bunch of liberals, Chief?’  
  If you want to explain patiently and reasonably how things work go to 68; if you want to 
  bring in Special Forces and clear out anyone not committed to the flag go to 52. 
   
  47 
  ‘That was a good deal you put together there, Chief. He loved that plastic toy that came 
  with his upsized combo and you had him eating out of your hand. You got the concessions 
  signed before the dessert! Our corporates get exclusive rights to sell burgers and set up cable 
  TV in Zyria with no taxes to pay worldwide in perpetuity and you get 5 billion in your PR 
  budget to buy off waverers and to have your face on every burger 
  in this country and all the decent free market economies round 
  the globe. You can fire at will now, Chief, you can take down 
  anyone.’  
  If you want to stay out here to run operations go to 27; if you 
  want to ride the wave of your popularity and go back home to 
  declare martial law at home go to 66. 
   
  48 
  ‘Uh, Chief – you retired most of the marines last 
  year to make room in the budget for supporting that 
  Feed the World charity gala. You know – the one 
  where they raised over a thousand bucks for 
  starving Nebraskans and you won a yacht in the 
  raffle. There is some guy calls himself Popeye you 
  could send in but he eats a fortune in spinach.’  
  If you think that if you want a job done properly 
  you have to do it yourself and so you roll your 
  sleeves up and punch out the first person you see 
  wearing a turban go to 69; if decide to send them 
  Popeye go to 72. 
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  49 
  ‘What’s this say, Chief? Can you read this tiny little 
  writing? Red = Kill them, Black = Kill us. Chief! That’s 
  the self-destruct button! We’re going to be a wasteland 
  in 5 seconds and counting. We stockpiled enough nukes 
  to blow this planet off its orbit so we won’t be going 
  alone. Good job, Chief!’  
  Close the book. 
   
  50 
  ‘Chief, they love it! There’s a lynch mob in sheets 
  storming the senate now – you can watch on your 30’ 
  plasma in your den if you like. You’ve got a free hand 
  now, I’d say. All the socialists will be dead soon and 
  everyone is going to be glued to their TVs so it’s a good 
  time to make a hit and run raid. Do you want to go over 
  there yourself and put your boot heel on their guy’s 
  head once we take it off?’  
  If you want to fly out to do the business personally 
  go to 34; if you want to go to the Senate and calm 
  things down at home go to 46. 
   
  51 
  ‘Sorry, Chief, we can’t have a pacifist in the Oval Office. We’re going to have to take that 
  pipe, pack it with TNT, light it and shove it where the sun don’t shine. You’re full of crap, 
  Chief.’  
  You lose office and your bowels are loosened.  
  Close the book. 
   
  52 
  ‘You’re the bomb, Chief! Those guys sure know how to kill with an economy of effort. 
  That saves the taxpayer’s dollar! You’ve got a clear run to glory now, Chief. What’s the 
  word?’  
  If you think it’s time to set off some fireworks go to 11; if you’d like to try out the new 
  corporate-branded military hardware go to 17. 
   
  53 
  ‘That was a smart move, Chief. You get to wear the Hannibal Lecter mask and the 
  Democrat dude has to wear the clown suit and the big red nose. Do you want to eat his liver 
  live on Zetterman or are you going to sit there and laugh at him?’  
  If you fancy a nice little entrée go to 70; if you think laughter is the best medicine goes to 
  71. 
   
  54 
  ‘Hey, Chief, the ratings are sky high. Everyone is glued to their TV. Michael Moore was 
  right! We can keep this war going just so long as we can make Zyrian costumes and get 
  college kids to wear them. Your getting your face carved into Mount Rushmore now, Chief.’  
  You are immortalised for your robust and far-sighted leadership.  
  Close the book. 
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  55 
  ‘Chief! Get back here! There’s a whole bunch of swiss cheese lovers out there! They’re 
  going to grate you up and melt your ass! Run!’  
  Unfortunately, years of over-eating have taken their toll and you have a non-fatal heart 
  attack as soon as you turn to flee. They do indeed shred your lard ass. Close the book. 
   
  56 
  ‘That didn’t work out to well, Chief. The kid came across as smarter, tougher and better 
  looking than you. His teeth are whiter and his hair is thicker. Congress has rushed through a 
  special motion making all Presidents retire if there’s a younger candidate that gets better TV 
  approval. You’re out, Chief. Didn’t help when the kid beat you at tic-tac-toe an arm-
  wrestling.’  
  The kid is gracious in victory – well, he can’t drive yet so he needs you as his chauffeur – 
  and you get to babysit him when he’s working late after 6pm in the White House. You are an 
  ex-President of this great nation. Close the book. 
   
  57 
  ‘That looks great on screen, Chief! The way you got his throat stuck in the hoop…gotta 
  love the way he’s turning purple! The House has rolled over, you’re so far ahead in the 
  opinion polls now. Do want to launch a pre-emptive strike or pass a bill giving corporations a 
  tax-free five year period? You can take the Head of the Federal Reserve out 
  for lunch at Taco Bell and sweet talk him or set Enola Gay free again.’  
  If you fancy Armageddon go to 23; if you want the perks the 
  multinationals will surely send your way go to 47. 
   
  58 
  ‘Look Chief – we put burkas on them and we’re going to have 
  a stoning. That should show those Arabs we respect their culture! 
  You get to cast the first stone, Chief!’  
  You set the tone of the nation and America is cleansed of all 
  but racially pure Americans – not a stone is left unturned or 
  unthrown. You sit peacefully amidst the bodies when you hit your 
  last fellow American where it hurts. Close the book. 
   
  59 
  ‘Hey, Chief – the PR people say he’s better looking than you 
  and the people love him. Unless you can get him to actually say 
  something you’re looking like yesterday’s newspaper – you’re 
  getting flushed down the john, Chief. Oh well, you had a good run 
  for everyone else’s money.’  
  You get to hand over the reins of power to Saddam bin 
  Therebefur but you do get to be his Vice-President poodle bitch. 
  Close the book. 
   
  60 
  ‘That’s too bad, Chief. We’re going to have to take you out 
  with one of those magic bullets we got JFK with. No – don’t 
  bother using the kid as a shield. The bullet will go through him like butter. We’ll make out it 
  was OJ that shot you. Yeah, that’s always a winner, that one.’  
  You join Honest Abe and JFK. Close the book. 
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  61 
  ‘Hey, Chief! Stop! You’re 
  headed straight towards the Empire 
  State Building! Hit the brakes, 
  Chief! What do you mean, they 
  aren’t working? They’ve got to be 
  working! Chief, no! That’s not the 
  emergency break – that’s the fire 
  button. Chief! No!’  
  You fire the tank’s cannon just 
  as you crash through the entrance 
  to one of the city’s finest landmark 
  – there’s not much left of it by the 
  time the dust settles.  
  Close the book. 
   
  62  
  ‘Chief, the Treasury guy says you’ve got a fiscal problem. Seems the whole blamed army 
  insisted on flying out on Emirates first class and now they’re staying at five star hotels 
  drinking from the mini bars like there’s no tomorrow. The Zyrian economy’s booming like 
  never before but our debt has got so out of kilter with our GDP now everyone’s over here in 
  the army and no one’s working back home. Standard & Poor’s have just downgraded us to ‘D 
  minus’, Chief.’  
  Well done! You’ve bankrolled and invasion and bankrupted your country.  
  Close the book. 
   
  63 
  ‘That was a good one, Chief. Now everyone’s at home cowering under their beds. They 
  might be surprised that there are no Reds there but they’ll have forgotten about that little 
  gaffe of yours when they do crawl out. Still, you’ve got this great nation standing proud, 
  Chief.’  
  You can now enjoy a free hand and do whatever you like at home and abroad while 
  everyone else looks over their shoulder. Close the book. 
   
  64 
  ‘Uh, Chief…you’ve just pressed the button that sets the nukes on course for the Zyrian 
  capital…uh, that’s where we are, Chief. There’s no plane on earth going to get you out of 
  here in time so you might as well join in the countdown. Ten, nine, eight…’  
  You might go down in history as the first President to assassinate himself with nuclear 
  weapons. Close the book. 
   
  65 
  ‘That’s the way, Chief. Look at them saluting an American hero. We set the CIA on the 
  track of the killers, Chief. Uh, I know the parade isn’t over yet but now might be a good time 
  to slip away. We’ve got a great plastic surgeon lined up.’  
  Enjoy your new life in Alaska – just as well they grabbed that place to be a state. Close 
  the book before your fingers go numb. 
   
   
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  66 
  ‘Nice move, Chief. You’ve got zillions in your campaign chest – all the corporates are 
  offering you share options. The Governor of the Federal Reserve wants to hear your plans to 
  make this great country great again and tax-free into the bargain. But if you’re up for it you 
  do have time to push a button first.’  
  If you want to milk the political situation at home for all it’s worth go to 11; if your finger 
  is itchy go to 17. 
   
  67 
  ‘Um, Chief, come back! They haven’t eaten 
  for two weeks since we bombed their grocery 
  stores. Chief, they’ve got a kind of…hungry 
  look.’  
  Macdonalds is popular the world over and you 
  make a nasty Mac-snack.  
  Close the book. 
   
  68 
  ‘Uh, Chief, that hippy shit is not a good look. 
  They think you’re really a girl and no one’s ready 
  for a woman president, not even Hilary. At least 
  the awe inspiring Sarah P would have used a 
  urinal, Chief. She has balls! These men in white 
  coats have got some special sleeves for you to put 
  your arms in. That’s right, Chief, your arms go 
  behind your back. Now we’re taking you to the 
  House Of Correction and you get to be the second lobotomised President. You can stand next 
  to Ronnie – he’s stuffed and so are you now but he had a good taxidermist before he took up 
  office.’  
  Close the book and enjoy your nights in the mausoleum of democracy. 
   
  69 
  ‘Chief, that turban guy looks as if he can handle himself. Chief! My, that was a good right 
  cross! How’s your Blue Cross, Chief? Pity you cancelled that public healthcare legislation – 
  we stopped paying your contributions so you could put more into those Ponzi stocks.’  
  That broken jaw means you have to stick to non-verbal communication so don’t wear out 
  your middle finger. Close the book. 
   
  70 
  ‘Chief, even we’re not ready for that. You have to be lost in the Andees or at least do it in 
  a basement. You’ve bitten off more than you can chew, Chief.’ 
  So much for TV dinners!  
  Close the book. 
   
  71 
  ‘Uh, Chief, the Clowns’ Union has laid a complaint under broadcasting regulations. You 
  can only laugh at clowns if you have a big red nose and are driving a pedal car. That’s why 
  no one laughs at you, Chief. You need to distract them with something, Chief – how about a 
  pre-emptive strike?’  
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
   
  If you want to regain lost ground go to 17; if you just want to keep digging the hole you 
  are in deeper close the book. 
   
  72 
  ‘Popeye? Chief, this is real life not cartoon time! Actually, we replaced you with 
  computer graphics last year so you just go back to pulling faces at the mirror.’  
  He who laughs last, eh?  
  Close the book. 
   
   
  The end  
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
  (of the world  
  as we know it  
  and I feel fine) 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
  
  Zyrian Atrocities – History Repeating Itself 
   
  
SOURCE: textdata/thevault/Tunnels & Trolls (osr)/Adventures & Settings/TnT - Zyrian Atrocities.pdf