children s health issues
Divorce and Children
Helping children cope
Children need to be able to express their feelings to an adult who listens attentively. Counseling can provide children with a caring adult who, unlike their parents, will not be upset by their feelings. Children adjust best when parents cooperate with each other and focus on the child's needs. Parents must remember that a divorce only severs their relationship as spouses, not their relationship and responsibilities as parents of their children. Whenever possible, parents should live close to each other, treat each other respectfully in the child's presence, maintain the other's involvement in the child's life, and consider the child's wishes regarding visitation. Older children and adolescents should be given increasing say in living arrangements. Parents should never suggest that their children take sides and should not express negative feelings about the other parent to their children. With children, parents should Discuss issues openly, honestly, and calmly Remain affectionate Continue to discipline consistently Maintain normal expectations regarding chores and schoolwork Parents can keep communication open with their children by encouraging them to confide and express how they are feeling. For example, if a child mentions anger about the divorce, parents could say, "So, the divorce makes you angry" or "Tell me more about that." Asking how the child feels can also encourage discussion of sensitive emotions or fears. By talking about their own feelings, parents encourage children to acknowledge their fears and concerns. For example, about a divorce, a parent might say, "I am sad about the divorce too. But I also know it is the right thing for us to do. Even though we cannot live together anymore, we will both always love you and take care of you." By doing this, parents are able to discuss their own feelings, offer reassurance, and explain that divorce is the right choice for them. Sometimes children, particularly younger ones, need to hear the same message repeatedly. Most children regain a sense of security and support within about a year after divorce if the parents adjust and work to meet the children's needs. 