 for the hurt it's almost easier to blame ourselves oh really yeah it's part of the problem with shame it's we get stuck in this well if i'm the problem there's a way in which i feel like i have control right if i'm the problem if i could have done this this and this and this we feel like we're in control of it whereas if we have to face the reality of i was vulnerable and this person hurt me that's terrifying because then i didn't have control