 riddled with suicidal thoughts in various versions so I had narratives going on in my brain or um I guess that I wouldn't make it through alive that I would be so medicated or suicide or that I would I would die of heartache you know I'd be separated from my child I at points I was like I'm gonna have to give him up for adoption I'm gonna have to do this and then I'd be like I would just explode of heartache of failure you know how would I make it through this it was um