 the pain um and you know what that leads us to do yeah so really facing that and just saying yeah this this is painful and it's not like look at me i'm a white woman and i'm crying about this pain no it's like i'm going to look at this and then i'm going to you know metabolize it we all carry trauma and if we don't metabolize it then it can get the better of us and i think that could be a lot of what we've seen in sort of the unfolding of