 and not hold them and remember them only in terms of that violence and that goes to the idea of tenderness and what I really wanted to think about as regard I wanted to think about a look that was more than a look that had some kind of reciprocity to it a look that said something like I see you and you see me and we might hold each other in that seeing until we get someplace else and that's why tenderness became for me a really key term to think with