 and i promise you you what will happen afterwards would be will be so much greater than the little bit of peace that you have because you will doubt yourself if you say no you know how the minute you go no i'm not going to do it a minute you'll start going why why why why so just so i'm just like you said i'm trying not to think about it and work myself up i'm like compartmentalizing every time i start like my breath gets shallow like it is right now because i'm talking about it