How should Christian parents respond if one of their children comes out as gay?

Answer  
  

If a child reveals his or her [homosexuality](homosexuality-Bible.html), the first thing for Christian parents to do is let their child know that, no matter what, love and grace will win the day. Mom and dad’s love will continue, regardless. First John 4:8 says, “The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” There is nothing to be gained by callousness, denial, or denunciation. Rather, “God’s kindness is intended to lead \[a person] to repentance” (Romans 2:4\).  
  

Our children (like ourselves) have heart issues. We’re not trying to put good fruit on bad trees; we are passionately praying for our wayward children that God would heal the roots of the tree—that He might remove their heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh (see Ezekiel 36:26\).  
  

Parents should also encourage a child who has “come out” not to define himself as a “homosexual.” It’s important to ask questions: Are you in a relationship? Is the relationship sexual or platonic? Have you acted out your feelings of same\-sex attraction, or are they just thoughts you have? Parents can come alongside a struggling child and help him see that he is not “gay” simply because he has homosexual thoughts. It’s quite possible that he is struggling with homosexual desires or same\-sex attraction, but that does not equate to being “gay.”  
  

The difference between struggling with homosexuality and identifying oneself as gay might seem subtle, but it is actually a huge distinction, and here’s why: God never created us to be homosexual. In Christ that is not who we are. In Christ we are a new creation. Christians may struggle with impatience, idolatry, lust, or pride. Christians may struggle with same\-sex attraction, but that does not make them homosexuals. We are new creations in Christ.  
  

So, Christian parents can approach their child as people who are broken themselves and offer to struggle together in the pursuit of holiness. When talking with those with same\-sex tendencies, it is important not to communicate that their sin is the worst of all sins. Yes, homosexuality is sinful, but not more so than heterosexual lust or lying or pride. The truth is we are all broken, and we all need God’s help.  
  

Also, Christian parents should make clear their biblical convictions against homosexual behavior, but only after they have established a foundation of love and grace and empathy and compassion in the relationship. Our children need to know that the Bible is the supreme authority on all matters of faith and conduct. Not mom, not dad, not peers, not the church. And the Bible says that homosexuality is counter to God’s intended purpose for human beings. God’s plan is marriage between one man and one woman, and sex within the marriage.  
  

Through every step of the process, parents of children who come out as gay need to take care of each other and maintain their spiritual health. Parents need to stay active in their church community and rely on their church family for encouragement and support. They need to stay in God’s Word, continually allowing the Spirit through the Word to shape their convictions, guide their actions, and heal their hearts.  
  

If a child says, “I am homosexual. That’s the way it is, and I don’t care what God thinks,” then the parents are back at step one. This child needs a [heart change](new-heart.html), and only God can change the heart. Sin is ultimately a heart problem, and until God transforms the heart and the child is gripped by the grace of God, nothing else will matter. A parent’s convictions will not matter. The letter of the law will not matter. Love is key. Love is what drove the prodigal son back to the arms of his father (Luke 15:11–32\), and it is, according to the apostle Paul, the greatest of all gifts (1 Corinthians 13:13\).  
  

