What’s the Most Ridiculous Scene in Resident Evil: Afterlife? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

Resident Evil: Afterlife, the fourth film in the Resident Evil franchise, hits theaters today. Do we live in a world in which we need four Resident Evil movies? Are there any redeeming qualities whatsoever in Resident Evil: Afterlife? As a service, we try to answer every question that you could possibly have about Resident Evil: Afterlife.

Q: When did you see Resident Evil: Afterlife?

A: This morning at 10 a.m.

Q: Is it a bad sign when a studio screens a film for the press the very day that it comes out?

A: Yes.

Q: Did you consider a career change at any point during Resident Evil: Afterlife?

A: As a direct result of sitting through Resident Evil: Afterlife, I’m going to be spending a lot of time on a pier this weekend—à la George Costanza—reflecting on the usually cushy gig of reviewing movies.

Q: What is Resident Evil: Afterlife about?

A: In line with the other previous three Resident Evil films, there’s a virus that has wiped out humanity, with the exception of a few survivors. Everyone else has been turned into your standard post-apocalyptic zombies. Our hero is Alice (Milla Jovovich), who is on the hunt for other survivors.

Q: Where does the movie begin?

A: What appears to be Tokyo.

Q: Do the zombies have special powers?

A: They have tentacles that protrude from their mouth that can be used to... well, I’m not exactly sure what they are used for. But it appears to hurt.

Q: Does Alice have special powers?

A: When the movie starts, she seems to have quite a few. At one point, after a highly choreographed sword fight, Alice blinks and all the bad guys blow up. This does raise the question of: Why not just use the blinking-eye bombs every time? It’s not long before she’s injected with a virus that takes her powers away.

Q: Who takes her powers away?

A: That would be Albert Wesker played by Shawn Roberts.

Q: Whom did Roberts study to prepare for the role of Albert Wesker?

A: My best guess is that he watched a lot of Hugo Weaving in Matrix Reloaded and even more of Val Kilmer in, well, pretty much anything that Val Kilmer has been in— screw it, for the sake of argument, let’s go with Val Kilmer in Willow.

Q: Where does Alice look for survivors?

A: She’s searching for Arcadia.

Q: Alice is looking for the 80s New Wave band that Simon LeBon, Nick Rhodes, and Roger Taylor formed after Duran Duran broke up?

A: No. She is not looking for the band behind “Election Day.” She thinks Arcadia is a city in Alaska. But she’s mistaken. Sadly, she travels all the way to Alaska to discover that Arcadia is not there.

Q: What band did the other two members of Duran Duran form?

A: Robert Palmer and John and Andy Taylor started Power Station with former Chic drummer, Tony Thompson.

Q: Does Alice find the survivors in Alaska?

A: She finds one, Claire (Ali Larter), who lost her memory as a direct result of a mechanical bug strapped to her chest.

Q: A mechanical bug?

A: Seriously, just go along with it. The two soon fly to Los Angeles to look for more survivors.

Q: Do they find survivors?

A: Yes. And their hygiene is remarkable, considering their predicament. Alice and Claire land at a former prison where the survivors are staying. They are told by the survivors that the Arcadia exists, but it’s a ship, and it’s just off the coast of L.A. (Definitively not in Alaska.) The problem is, the prison is surrounded by zombies.

Q: Is this your favorite Milla Jovovich movie?

A: No. Her best role was in The Fifth Element.

Q: How could the Resident Evil films be more like The Fifth Element?

A: Well, for starters, each film should begin with a five-minute scene involving Luke Perry as an early 20th century explorer that has nothing to do with the rest of the film. I’ll take it a step further: every film should start with a five-minute scene involving Luke Perry as an early 20th Century explorer that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

Q: What’s the most ridiculous scene in Resident Evil: Afterlife?

A: I have to choose one?

Q: O.K., pick two.

A: At the prison, the survivors keep Wentworth Miller’s character in a cell. The sole reason? One of the survivors gets a bad vibe from him and assumes that he’s a killer. That’s it, no other reason. Never mind those zombies outside. As it turns out, he’s not a killer.

Q: Wentworth Miller plays a character in a cell? Is he playing Michael Scofield from Prison Break?

A: Unfortunately, no. Wentworth plays Chris, who also happens to be Claire’s brother. Small world.

Q: And the second most ridiculous thing?

A: During a fight scene that pits Alice, Claire, and Chris against Albert Wesker, Wesker throws his sunglasses at Chris like a live grenade.

Q: Are they special sunglasses that explode?

A: Not at all, just designer sunglasses that Chris is nice enough to catch. Hey, look, it’s in 3-D!

Q: How is the 3-D?

A: Considering how bad the 3-D is in a lot of films, the 3-D in Resident Evil: Afterlife is decent. They filmed with 3-D cameras, apparently.

Q: Is Resident Evil: Afterlife so bad that you're really contemplating you’re a career change?

A: Honestly, when I walked out of this movie, I thought to myself: I give up, this isn't worth it anymore. I'd rather be at homewatching Internet pornthan watching Resident Evil: Afterlife.

Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this the advertisements this weekend for Resident Evil: Afterlife, what do you hope the blurb will be?

A: “I'd rather be at homewatching Internet pornthan watching Resident Evil: Afterlife”—Mike Ryan, Vanity Fair

Mike Ryan is a frequent contributor to VanityFair.com. For your complaints on his opinions about Resident Evil: Afterlife, you can contact him directly on Twitter.

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