Jessica Szohr, 'Piranha 3-D'

Jessica Szohr, 'Piranha 3-D'

Nubile "Playboy" bunnies do an underwater ballet pas de deux in 3D. "Piranha 3D" sells itself.

It's not as scary as it needs to be or as clever as it thinks it is, but the new 3D version of "Piranha" is at least as gimmicky as those fabled 3D films of yore. With all the pointless 3D cartoons and joyless 3D " "Clash of the Titans" conversions, at last here's a picture that tosses its cookies, its coffee cups and its D-cups right in your lap.

A jokey opening with a certain shark survivor dressed in the clothes of that long ago boat trip, and then devoured, sets the tone. From the endless double entendres to the "Jaws," "Back to the Future" and for those who have heard of its most infamous scene, "Free Willy" references, "Piranha 3D" goes for the jugular. And generally misses, but generally in an amusing way.

A lake in the desert southwest and acres of nubile coeds willing to tear off their tops makes Lake Victoria a spring break garden spot. It's the perfect place for "Wild Wild Girls" videographer Derek ( Jerry O'Connell) to shoot his latest slice of sleaze. He enlists local "sand rat" Jake (Steven R. McQueen) to guide him in his big, bombshell-packed boat ( Kelly Brook and Riley Steele) boat around Lake Victoria.

Jake's former high school flame (Jessica Szohr) is lured along.

"It's not cheating if it's with another chick," Derek oozes.

Jake just has to leave his two younger siblings at home alone. With a canoe. Good thing mom, the sheriff ( Elisabeth Shue) doesn't know about that.

Because she knows something is up. An earthquake kicked open a crack in the bottom of the lake. And something from the deep is starting to bass-in-a-blender the locals. She and her deputy ( Ving Rhames) want to close the lake. If only all those coeds will turn off the music and put down the tequila and listen.

French horror specialist Alexandre Aja ("High Tension") has yet to make an American movie with the frights or suspense of his breakout movie. He's too busy here playing around with the 3D -- beer bottles, anchors and nude women plunging through the surface, toothy terrors racing up to meet them. The carnage is relentless, even if it isn't frightening. And for hungry hungry fishes, these bad boys sure do leave a lot of meat on the bone.

Christopher Lloyd shows up as a bug-eyed tropical fish expert, sharing his scenes with his "Back to the Future" star, Shue. Rhames mutters "I'm too old for this." O'Connell leers and snorts and licks and laughs it up in what one has to take as a Joe Francis ("Girls Gone Wild") impersonation.

And digital fish chew chew chew everything in sight -- swimmers and skiers, porn stars and para-sailors, in a blur of blood and body parts. EVERY body part. Ahem.

All good, clean R-rated 3D fun. Or an attempt in that direction.