By the Numbers

By the Numbers

from Hemmings Motor News

April, 2009 - David LaChance

What'll she do? If you find yourself asking that question of a friend who's just bought a new car, you probably recall having to adjust the rabbit ears just right to pick up the Milton Berle show on your 12-1/2-inch DuMont. In our jaded modern age, when Korean minivans laden with a week's worth of groceries can leave vintage 12-cylinder Ferrari GTs in the dust, any zero-to-60 time that's greater than, say, four seconds evokes zero interest among enthusiasts. And let's not even talk about horsepower ratings. The fact is, today's starter motors are more powerful than the engines in some of our favorite old cars.

But you and I both know that you can't objectively compare the old with the new. They're on entirely different footings. Here's some unscientific proof: When I go out on a photo shoot, I unfailingly offer the Hemmings minivan (one of just two!) in a straight-up trade for whatever vintage car I'm photographing. And even though the minivan is faster, more fuel-efficient and laden to the gunwales with cupholders, not one car owner has waivered for as much as a millisecond before turning down my generous offer. (Good thing, too, or I'd have some 'splainin' to do to the publisher.)

I recently got to thinking about this after chatting with Rick Johnson of the Cape Cod British Car Club about his Austin-Healey Sprite. "The best part of driving a Bugeye is sitting 4 inches off of the ground, feeling like you're going 100 MPH, and still being able to wave to the cop as you drive through the radar trap," Rick observed. Hmm, there's something to that, I thought. But how do you translate that into something you can measure?

Sensing a need, I have helpfully generated a list of more meaningful metrics for old-car performance. (Don't thank me; most of the credit goes to the 37 cups of coffee I had between breakfast and lunch.) Sharpen up your pencil, and see how they apply in your own car's case.

Apparent zero-to-60: This relies on the well-known scientific principle, originally sketched out by Einstein, that objects seem to move faster the smaller they are, and the closer they are to the ground. To determine apparent 0-60, simply multiply the car's weight (in pounds) by the distance from the driver's tuchus to the ground (in inches) by its zero-to-60 time, and divide by 1,000. Before I ran the batteries out on my calculator, I got a figure of 110 for my Spitfire, versus 53 for a Bugatti Veyron. Yes, the million-dollar supercar does 0-60 in three beats of a gnat's heart, but it's only twice as apparently fast as my Triumph. So there.

Miles per hour spent under the car: This one is simple division. With some cars, this is a tiny number--in fact, this winter, my Spitfire's average has been hovering around zero. My best average was probably the 1,500-mile trip to Ohio and back a couple of falls ago, when I managed about 300 MPHSUTH. I'll be trying to improve on that this summer.

Multiweight distribution: This is the ratio of quarts of oil in the crankcase to quarts of oil carried around in the trunk. Most British cars achieve perfect 50-50 balance, at least immediately after an oil change.

Apparent top speed: Calculated in the same way as apparent 0-60, except that you multiply by two for pre-war cars. Does 40 miles per hour in a Model A feel about the same as 100 miles per hour in a new C-Class Mercedes-Benz? Even though I haven't driven the Benz, I'd say, of course.

Classic cornering power: This is the number of G forces achieved on the skidpad, multiplied by the maximum lean of the car in degrees and added to the diameter of the steering wheel. (For cars without doors or seat belts, or on wooden wheels, multiply the result by two.) Vintage French cars achieve readings approaching infinity.

Vintage horsepower: Calculated by multiplying an engine's rated horsepower by the number of pages devoted to engine parts in your parts supplier's catalog. This is based on Isaac Newton's belief that potential energy has to count for something--that is, if I'm reading my daughter's ninth-grade physics textbook correctly.

There you go: scientifically valid measurements that you can use to impress friends and family members who think of older cars only in terms of leaky water pumps and irreparable wiring. Maybe you have some formulas of your own. Send them in, and if we get enough, we'll print the best ones here.


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