aibu to ask what are peoples views on suicide .l. do you think its selfish

(86 Posts)
maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 18:57:29

Do you think it is wrong to find it selfish

LoganMummy Fri 27-Sep-13 19:15:04

Exactly what Sirzy said.

The upset and anger of those left behind can see it as a selfish act (personally I still believe its selfish). But for someone who truly believes their only option is to commit/complete suicide then it's the complete opposite - to them it can be how to fix things so things are better for those left behind.

Do you think your husband was selfish?

BillyBanter Fri 27-Sep-13 19:15:29

I'm so sorry you have lost your husband, and under such tragic circumstances.

No, it's not selfish, I don't think.

I think of it as being a bit like an auto-immune disease where the body reacts inappropriately to normal substances or tissues in the body. Without the correct treatment (and with the best will in the world we don't really have a foolproof cure for everything) it may become severe enough to kill you. No one would think someone with an auto-immune disease was selfish for dying.

Dawndonnaagain Fri 27-Sep-13 19:15:56

You poor thing, life is hard as it is, without the extra worries that come our way.
You are not wrong or unreasonable to want people to remember your husband the way he was. I do not think it was a selfish act, if he was ill enough to take his own life, in all likelihood, he probably felt he was doing what was right for you and your children. Doesn't mean it was the right thing, just that he was probably ill and couldn't see clearly. Please ensure you get some help for yourself so that you end up in a position where you can remember happy times.

maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:16:25

Apart of me feels angry and hurt by him but I know thats selfish too

BishBashBoshBoo Fri 27-Sep-13 19:16:48

I'm so sorry about your husband.

I would never think that someone committing suicide was selfish. I would feel sorry for the unbearable agony they had suffered that had caused them to do it.

Back2Two Fri 27-Sep-13 19:16:48

No, never selfish.
Misguided though, I truly believe it is misguided. If there are family members left behind then it can't be truly self-less, it is misguided.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 27-Sep-13 19:16:57

So very sorry for your loss sad

This is what i think, as someone who has felt suicidal in the not so distant past.

I think that it is selfish because of the devestation that it causes. BUT when i felt suicidal i genuinely thought my family would be better without me. Thankfully i didn't act on my thoughts, i think i was a million miles from ever carrying it out, i was pretty ill - to be so ill that you would do this, to consider that person a selfish person is very very unfair. Some people just find it too painful to stay alive and I can't help but thinking in some ways, if it is really that bad, then who are we to force them to stay? The sad truth is that things can get better and those who have taken their own lives may well have found their way to a better place, but for that split second of despair sad

You must have so many thoughts about this - it would probably help you to get some professional help regarding this.

BishBashBoshBoo Fri 27-Sep-13 19:17:40

Feeling angry and hurt is part of grieving.
It is absolutely not selfish of you to feel this way.

LoganMummy Fri 27-Sep-13 19:18:04

Maddy, do you want to talk about him here? I will happily listen, and I'm sure others will.

FairyJen Fri 27-Sep-13 19:21:08

maddy it's not quite the same but my best friend killed himself.

I don't think he was selfish. In fact I think he was quite brave. I don't think I could take such a finite route.

Do you want to talk about what happened? With my friend no one wanted to discuss it at all and I found that quite difficult to deal with.

Nerfmother Fri 27-Sep-13 19:21:12

Maddy in time people will remember him and not how he died: any death is a huge shock and all you can think about is the how. Especially with suicide - there are more questions people ask themselves. Do people in real life let you talk about him? Can you talk to the children about him? Keep photos up if you can - we had none up after my dad died when I was young and it was odd.

maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:22:05

Loganmummy, I think now things have settled the questions have began. There was not any indication that I realised anyway. We have 2 amazing kids , a house, and jobs. I just dont understand it, he was a good dad, a brilliant husband.

forumdonkey Fri 27-Sep-13 19:22:33

Like Sirzy and Loganmummy say it is so hard for those loved ones left behind, especially DC's. Knowing what it has done to family and friends left behind, unanswered questions, feelings of 'not doing enough', 'not being enough' to stop it makes it hard to not feel that is a selfish action. Having seeing the complete devastation for these families but having said that I don't think it changes the love that or feelings for the person only that what they did (if that makes sense?)

Spikeytree Fri 27-Sep-13 19:23:05

I'm sorry for your loss, Maddy.

In my experience of being suicidal/attempting it was not from selfish motives. I genuinely believed that the best thing I could do for anyone who loved me was to not be here anymore. I knew people would be sad for a little while but I assumed they would be relieved not to have my presence fouling up their lives.

maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:23:50

My youngest is 1 and eldest 4, I have kept photos etc and try keep his memory alive.

Oceansurf Fri 27-Sep-13 19:24:08

So sorry for your loss.

I've lost 2 people close to me (Grandma, boyfriend) through suicide. At the time, I did think it was selfish. Now, with hindsight, I can see that they were poorly and at the time, they probably thought they were doing the most selfless thing ever. It helped me to think of it as an illness rather than thinking they were selfish. Although I was angry for a long time at both of them.

Do you have anyone to talk to about how you are feeling right now?

Please look after yourself. flowers

ohmymimi Fri 27-Sep-13 19:24:20

I don't think selfishness enters into it, although I can understand why some might feel it is a selfish act. I think it is inexplicable to anyone who has not experienced the feelings that can lead to suicide. I am so sorry that you lost your husband in such a tragic way and I hope that you and his children are getting all the love, help and support you need. A dearly loved friend of mine took his own life some years ago and I still sometimes get overwhelmed by both anger and grief.

zatyaballerina Fri 27-Sep-13 19:27:38

It's tragic that someone feels that's their only option and depending on their personal circumstances, it sometimes is. I would never judge someone who was in such a desperate state of mind. Tragic too for the loved ones left behind to pick up the pieces, it must be so hard for yousad

Nerfmother Fri 27-Sep-13 19:28:05

God maddy I am so sorry what a terrible thing to happen to you and your family. In answer to your original question I don't think its wrong for you to wonder if suicide is selfish - how on earth can anything you feel right now be 'wrong'? Don't be angry at yourself for your feelings.

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 27-Sep-13 19:28:32

I'm so sorry for your loss, Maddy. sad

No, I don't think it's selfish. The person who commits suicide is typically in a very very desperate situation.

I think suicide, unlike other deaths can leave more questions for the family left behind. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Nora2012 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:28:55

I agree with Logan, if you want to talk about him here we'll listen as I'm sure you have many fun and happy stories you want to share.
I understand what you mean though, a close friend committed suicide a year ago and people are coping in different ways, some people don't want to talk about him, especially his sister. But I chat regularly with his dad about things we've did and retell old tales, sometimes have a few tears. But it took some time to talk about him without the conversation coming back to he did it and what could we have done to stop it? Not one of us saw it coming! My DH is still quite angry about it and I'm not sure he'd say selfish as such, but he struggled to understand how he could have hurt everyone this bad and he thinks he must have known the pain it would inflict. And we all just don't know what it was that was so bad, surely we could have fixed it together.

No theres no selfishness to Suicide at all, I think the person who does must have such internal pain or be very ill to do it.

I also think whenever someone we love dies we feel anger, its natural, I still feel anger from the loss of my parents many years ago when I was a really young girl. I knows it irrational but I cant help it.

Maddy I`m so sorry for your loss xx

peachypips Fri 27-Sep-13 19:29:53

No not selfish. I have been suicidal many times in the past before i was treated as a result of extreme anxiety. I love my life, my DH, my kids. I have no reason to want to leave life, but I can only describe how I felt as mental torture. No-one could go on living feeling that way.
Mental torture is no less painful than physical torture. I wouldn't think someone was selfish for ending their life because they were in a concentration camp or something and being tortured. I would take physical pain any day over the way I felt a few years ago. In fact, I think that is the reason some people self-harm.
If I had carried on feeling that bad and felt there was no way to get better then I would have killed myself. It is not possible to feel like that long-term and live.
Did you OH not have treatment? I feel so lucky to have found meds to treat my recalcitrant mental health issues. Sorry for your loss- I am glad he has peace, but it is awful awful awful for you. My heart goes out to you xxxxx

peachypips Fri 27-Sep-13 19:30:29

Tell us all about him.

maddymoo25 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:30:52

Thankyou , I guess no matter what I will always have questions and somr hurt feelings, but what I do know is I love him and that didnt change x

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