'Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: The wild bunch

On tonight's "Real Housewives of New Jersey," Jacqueline Laurita lets go of her anger toward Teresa Giudice ... only to have it rekindled a few moments later. (Bravo)
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on August 26, 2013 at 1:48 AM, updated August 26, 2013 at 1:50 AM

We interrupt this regularly-scheduled episode of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" to bring you an infomercial about the luxurious Miraval Resort in beautiful southern Arizona — a resort where the rooms (not the villas, mind you, just the rooms) go for $1,000-plus a night, and where everyone should be kissing Joe Gorga's butt for arranging this luxurious outing. (Not paying for, mind you, just arranging it ... as if he personally hammered out the details for this play-for-promotion outing.)

Whatever, Bravo.

After last week's confrontation between Melissa Gorga and her two accusers that proved absolutely nothing about Teresa Giudice's innocence (although Teresa clearly believes she deserves a "Mother" before her name), the entire gang takes off to the Arizona resort for a weekend of peace and tranquility ... for the other resort guests, not so much.

First, Kathy Wakile gets the scoop from Teresa about Melissa's run-in with Penny (who happens to be the wife of the guy who rumbled with Joe Gorga and Jacqueline and Chris Laurita in the spring) and Jan-Who-Was-In-Her-Wedding.

rhonj-recap-kathy-teresa.pngTell us you didn't love, love, love the knives prominently displayed behind Teresa Giudice, left, and Kathy Wakile.

This exchange takes place in front of a display of knives at Chef Central in Paramus, where Teresa had been doing a demo. That's less subtle than Teresa's blinged-out bikini. Teresa thinks Melissa should be able to see she had nothing do with spreading the cheating rumors ... at least until those episodes air! But Joe and Melissa, packing for the trip, still have their doubts. (And we can just imagine how thrilled Melissa was to be spending her birthday weekend with her nearest and dearest, including Joe Giudice, who called her a horsey face and worse, and Al Manzo, who probably doesn't even register she exists.)

The Gorga, the Giudices, the Wakiles and Rosie Pierri arrive first, and the Miraval concierge offers them smoothies and shows them around the resort, telling them it's all about finding balance in their lives. And their bowels, too, because someone lets out a fart. Jersey represent!

They are staying in a gorgeous villa with a back wall that opens out into the desert and a sunken Jacuzzi. Rich is grumpy about his lack of a Jacuzzi, while Melissa is complaining about coming down with a cold: "Joe, I need a throat lozenger." A sore throat doesn't stop Melissa from donning a bikini, however — and from Rich noticing Melissa's cameltoe. Nice.

The Manzos and the Lauritas, whose flight had been delayed, finally show up. Thank goodness Al is there to swat a bat out of the villa and to grill up some steaks for dinner. I think Al and Kathy should run off together; they seem to be the down-to-earth and capable of this bunch.

melissa-gorga-rhonj.pngMelissa Gorga risks a prick in the desert.

That night, they all get a visit from the resident "energist," who hears voices from another dimension, "from people who are dead but not dead." After the energist shoots a few blanks — although there's an entertaining exchange about whether the person with the name that starts with J could be a late relative named Giuseppe, because, after all, Giuseppe translates to Joseph — the energist focuses on Melissa, telling her that she wants to forgive someone but is having a hard time. (Hmmmm, maybe the energist has seen an episode of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" before? Or any reality show ever?) "You know when people play 'Telephone,' messages get mixed up? I'm supposed to tell you that's what happened."

"Listen to the dead people," Teresa tells us. "That's all you got?" Melissa tells us.

The energist is hearing from someone who died of heart failure (as do we all in the end), and Rich thinks it's his late father. Grumpy Rich turns into teary Rich as the energist tells him that when he watches his family movies, his father will be there watching them with him.

"Who had cancer in front of their body?" the energist wonders. Why, that must be Kathy and Rosie's father. She tells them this: "He hears you." Kathy later reveals that when her father was dying, she thought she was going to share a special moment with him, but he only wanted to tell her that she needed to stay close to her siblings. She felt angry that he didn't tell her he loved her, so she thinks this is a personal message to her. "I wish I would have felt this sooner."

"I'm supposed to deliver a message," the energist continues, "to tell you all he loves you, and he doesn't want you all to be afraid because he would have thought this was a bunch of crap."

The next day, Melissa is feeling worse, so she tells Joe to go on the hike with the rest of the gang without her. "Do you need your fix? Do you need Tarzan?" he offers. "Ew no," says Melissa, speaking for all of us. The gang is all fanny-packed up and ready for a relaxing hike through the 110-degree desert. "Anything to do with outdoorsy, I'm all for it," Teresa tells us. "I like hiking. I like laying out in the sun ..."

At the end of the hike, the group finds a clearing in which a traditional healer named Pamela has set up a cleansing and purifying ceremony. She wants them all to write on a piece of paper what they want to let go of, and then burn it. Al unsurprisingly opts out. Caroline wants to get rid of worry. Joe wants to vanquish anger and hate. Kathy wants to stop putting everyone's needs before her own. Jacqueline wants to let go of ill feelings toward people that she's hurt. (Yes, that's what she says. Doesn't she mean let go of ill feelings toward people who have hurt her?)

As Teresa takes center stage, pensive music beings to play. (That's what my closed captioning says!) She tells Joe, Melissa, Kathy et. al. that she feels she's in a very good place with everyone and wants it to stay that way. Note that Teresa doesn't offer any apology or indicate in any way that there is anything about her that needs changing.

Jacqueline, who has been softening toward Teresa all episode, says that she's starting to miss their relationship, which she never believed would happen. They step away from the group, and Jacqueline tells her that she misses her. "I'm sorry it ever got that place. It just got so ugly. I hate that." Yes, Jacqueline appears to be apologizing — in a way — to Teresa.

"We all go through things in life that everybody else doesn't know about, then sometimes we take it out on another person," Teresa tells her. "My thing is, I never want to do anything to hurt anyone because karma might not come back to me, but to my daughters."

Let's parse that, shall we? Because it's clearly going to be a plot point next week. It seems in the first sentence that Teresa might be telling Jacqueline that she took out her frustration and anguish over Nicholas' autism diagnosis on Teresa. Jacqueline was so buttoned-up about the diagnosis last season, it's hard to tell whether this is valid or not. Either way, it's Teresa deflecting any responsibility for her own behavior on Jacqueline.

But Jacqueline grasps onto the second sentence instead, taking it as Teresa saying Nicholas' autism is a result of bad things that Jacqueline has done, which is rather a reach, we think. But then again, we don't have to make ourselves relevant to producers of a reality television show.

On location: Chef Central in Paramus

Best quote: "I gotta say, this is a comfortable rock." — Joe Giudice.