Lengthy Author's Note: This piece was written in response to the "I Never" challenge over at the Sober Universe forum at . The concept behind this challenge is to write a piece in a genre that you would never, ever write, and then post it where the aficionados of that genre would have the opportunity to offer critique, if they so chose. I generally write comedy pieces centering on the NextGen kids, with ScoRose as my main pairing. So, naturally I was given James/Sirius. If you'd like an un-cut version, it may be found at my livejournal. The link for that is on my profile page. I hope you enjoy.


When the Greek philosophers first wrote of the ideal of youth and beauty, it was undoubtedly Sirius Black they pictured. At least as far as he was concerned, to watch the way he strutted his way through my suite after borrowing my shower. Long, dark brown hair which positively flowed onto his shoulders, cheekbones that may have been chiseled into his face, a lean, sinewy frame with muscles lain one on another by hand and stretched taut, from his arms, to his torso, to his -

"Get a good look, Potter. You're going to miss this once we're out of here, you know."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Black," I answered, flipping him a rather rude hand gesture, "Put something on, will you? We all know you're hung like a hippogriff; you really needn't strut around here dripping on the floor like that."

Sirius toweled off as he continued the floor show. "How you wound up the straight one is beyond me, Jamie - "


"Right, Jamie," he retorted, transfiguring the book I'd chucked at his head into a Frisbee. "That's it, precisely. The ponciest fruit ever to spring from the hallowed branches of Hoggy Warty Hogwarts, and yet you fall for a pair of green doe-eyes and a ginger fanny. How does this happen?"

"Are you going to put some clothes on, Sirius? I'm trying to concentrate here." I was starting to get annoyed. The written portion of our Transfiguration N.E.W.T. was in less that 18 hours, and I was starting to feel like a firstie wondering which way to point his wand. Sirius feigned a pout.

"Oh, and here I thought you'd fancy a go, staring at me like you were."

"I was not!" I objected. "Besides, Moony would walk in here looking for you and have us both trussed-up like a Christmas goose in ten seconds flat. Then he'd get Lily to help."

"Get Lily to help what?" Sirius did finally start getting dressed.

"Padfoot, I was on her bad side for four years. Trust me here, you wouldn't want to piss her off." There was a pause in the banter as Sirius fastened his trousers.

"Hung like a hippogriff you say? Huh. Never picked you for a size queen, Prongs. Must be all that Norman still in our blood. Mummy would actually screech at me in French, you know. The Normans were a particularly well-hung people, you see. It's how we rogered the hell out of Harold at Hastings."

"Are you quite done, Sirius? Merlin's balls, but I'm afraid you're going to break into song any moment now. And for fuck's sake, put on a shirt already!"

"It's really not fair, James. You get this delicious Head Boy shower all to yourself," Sirius whined as he sat down on my bed, hair still dripping.

"I do let you use it."

"But I'm all alone in there. Just me and the water. Me, the water, and my big Norman cock."

I buried my reddening face in my palm. Always the showman, that's our Padfoot.

"Merlin, Prongs, you're blushing."

"I'm just hoping Lily knows a good disinfecting spell. Lord knows what you've gotten up to in there."

"You come in there with me, and I reckon I could get up a lot more."

"You're a pig," I answered.

"And you want me." Sirius was smiling now - big, shit-eating grin on his face.

"You're hallucinating," I retorted. And then it happened. In one swift maneuver, Sirius had knocked away my Transfiguration notes, spun me onto my back, straddled my torso and forced his lips onto mine. He was rough and insistent. He tasted of tobacco, smelt of bay rum and felt like sandpaper. And after about 30 seconds of his assault on my face, I was harder than Honors Arithmancy. So I did what anyone would do in that situation; pushed him straight off of me.


"Fuck, Prongs. If I'd known you were that good, I'd've jumped you much earlier."

"Padfoot - Sirius. We can't. Really, really can't."

"And why not? Give me three good reasons."

"Lily's one. Remus is another."

"Ha! They'd both jump at the chance to join in. What's your third?"

"I'm not gay." At this, Sirius couldn't be bothered to hold in a chuckle.

"Prongsie, you were pulling my hair, mate. And what about that?" he asked, pointing at my crotch.

"A simple biological reaction. It means nothing."

"It means that while the big head may have been wondering what was going on, the little head had already sprung into action. I think you liked it."

"Sirius, I think you should go."

"What? Are you just going to leave me like this?" he asked, while grabbing my hand and rubbing it against the outline of his erection. I laughed.

"You're kidding, right? I invented that line. Got me center hoop with Linda Frobscottle last year, actually. That little Ravenclaw minx could suck the wood off a wand, lick her lips and go for seconds." Sirius got a scarily mischevious look in his eye.

"Could she, now?" I nodded in response, grinning, remembering that evening. Sirius leaned into my neck, where he placed soft bites from the nape to the jawline. Then he whispered breathily into my ear. "So could I."

I couldn't help myself. I grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face into mine. We were a tangle of tongues, lips, and fingers in hair falling backwards onto my bed, wrestling for control. He won, of course, and began to rub my once-again hardening cock outside my trousers as I arched my back in compliance. I traced my hands up and down his naked torso, raking my fingers along his lean musculature. He tilted his head back, letting go a throaty moan, which was my cue to aim for the button on his trousers.

"Don't start something you're not going to be able to finish, James," he growled, just as I was developing an appreciation for Lily's dexterity for disrobing a man from the opposite side. Lily. Fuck.

I stopped what I was doing and collapsed my arms on the bed next to me.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked, rather touchingly concerned.

"Lily. I can't, Sirius. Look, mate, it took so long and I'd just be bollocksing it up. Sirius, I - "

He looked at me; a mixture of amazement and condescension, rather like one would give a kitten taking its first steps. Then he placed a hand along the side of my face and planted a tender sandpaper kiss on my lips.

"You let me know when, Prongs," he said, grabbing his tunic and heading out, leaving me with my thoughts, a guilty conscience, and a libido like a caged Chinese Fireball.

So there I sat, on my bed, rather in the same predicament Sirius had been complaining of. The words on the pages of my Transfiguration text may as well have been Norse runes for all the sense they made. The roughness of Sirius's five-o'clock shadow still stung on my mouth, and my heartbeat was racing nearly as quickly as my mind.

By the time Lily walked in a half-hour later, I was no better off, but had at least managed to un-ruffle my robes enough to look presentable. Merlin, but she looked good. The thing about Lily is that she had a way of making that bookworm look just work. Spectacles she only used for reading, ginger hair half done-up in a bun, robes that hugged her just right, and that crème-colored brassiere she had on underneath - or at least I hoped she did - they were doing things to me that were probably illegal in several jurisdictions.

"James," she asked after a moment or two. "Why are you staring at me like that?" I hadn't realized I'd been staring, so I got up off the bed and walked over to her.

"James? James, you look like you're about to have me for dessert," she said in a nervous giggle. I pulled my wand out of my robes and banished hers across the room, leaving her clad only in that hoped-for crème brassiere, matching knickers, stockings and pumps.

"Damn it James, it's cold in here! What are you playing at?" I grabbed her hair at the back of her head and kissed her roughly; as roughly as Sirius had kissed me earlier, feeling her resolve give way almost immediately. One quick snap between fingers and thumb and I had unhooked her brassiere at the back, and she let it slink off her arms and onto the floor. I began tugging on her nipples with my fingers, hearing her let that high-pitched moan I'd come to know and love escape, which spurred me on to suckle and bite on the taut nubs. She arched her back and tossed her head back as I placed small bites on the nape of her neck, then picked her up in my arms, placing her on my bed. Satisfied I was to hear no more protestations, I tugged on the waistband of her knickers.

"James, no. James!"

"Something wrong?" I asked.

"I just can't right now, James."

"Seems like you were doing just fine," I muttered, and tried to salvage my efforts by concentrating on that sensitive spot right behind her earlobe.

"James!" she scolded, sitting up. "Honestly, love. I really can't."

"And why is that?"

"Do you really want to know?" I wasn't sure I did, but she didn't wait for an answer. "Because I'm bleeding like hell, and I don't want your bedclothes to look like a murder scene for the house-elves to find in the morning. Which is probably why I snapped at poor..." She went on for a good five minutes along that theme, while I nodded sympathetically at all the right places. I was just about done congratulating myself on once again successfully tuning her out when

"What time are you going, then?"

"Going? Going where?"

"To meet Remus. We were just talking about the full moon - did you not listen to a word I said?" Lily began to gather her robes from around the room, and my face fell visibly. "Honestly, James. Sometimes I think you're not a good listener at all. I'm going next door - there's an Arithmancy practical tomorrow I need to revise for."

"You're just going to leave me here, like this?" I asked, pouting and doing my best impression of doe eyes.

"Potter, please. Try that line on some fifth-year who doesn't know better. I've heard far too many lines from you for one lifetime, thank you very much."

I grinned. "Oh, you mean like that Muggle-born Ravenclaw in Black's brother's year?"

"Do it and I'll hex your bollocks off, love." She planted a kiss on my cheek. "What's gotten into you, anyway? You're usually so calculating when you want to bed me. Don't get me wrong; I adore the passion, but I've never seen you like this."

"Can't a fellow just be happy to see his best girl?"

"That wasn't happy, darling, that was ravenous."

"Reckon I'm just a bit nervous about the Transfiguration N.E.W.T. tomorrow." Lily looked unconvinced, and I thought I was going to have to dance further.

"Transfiguration N.E.W.T.? A boy who'd successfully mastered an Animagus transformation before he'd taken his first O.W.L.? Oh, darling, you'll be brilliant. Now I really must go. See you at supper, then?"


Supper was an unmitigated disaster. I was certain Lily and Sirius hadn't meant to gang up on me, but as distracted as I was, I suppose I must have presented an easy target. One on either side, first making snide comments about my lack of appetite, then I managed to dip my sleeve into the gravy, and that was the topic for what seemed like eons. And right before pudding - I swear on Godric's grave - Sirius began talking about baby pictures Mum had shown him shortly after he'd arrived on our doorstep.

"Honestly, Sirius. We take you in, and this is what you give in return? Baby pictures?" Lily was doing her level-best to cheer him on, of course.

"Oh, stuff it, James. I want to hear this. I bet you were just darling. Was he, Sirius?" And on it continued. At one point a nervous sixth-year asked if this was to be expected before N.E.W.T.s. I shook my head, sighed, and proceeded to wolf down my apple tart with vanilla sauce before dashing outside to clear my head with that fresh Highlands air and a quick fag.

Trying to hit the books again was a mistake. Images of that afternoon with Sirius were successful in pushing out combinations of wand movements and incantations. What was he playing at? He saw me chase after Lily forever; I knew he knew what end of the broomstick I prefer. Right. If he had seen me attack her the way I did that afternoon, there would have been no confusion. None whatsoever.

By 8 o'clock that evening I was brooded out, and if I was to get any revising accomplished at all, I was going to have to sort things out with Black, and quickly.

Sirius and Peter were chatting amiably when I swooped in to the 7th Year Gryffindor room. I dismissed Peter, telling him that Remus was already at the Shack, and might appreciate some company. I turned to face Sirius rather dramatically, but he seemed to be expecting that, leaning rakishly on the footboard of his bed with that damnable smirk etched on his face.

"James," he began gently, in that condescending drawl he affected anytime he wanted to diffuse a conversation. "You do care. How sweet of you to come visit."

"Stuff it, Black," I snapped back. "What in the nine Hells are you playing at? You know, the more I think about this afternoon, the more I think -"

"That you want me so bad you're aching?" I zapped him with a stinging hex.

"Prongsie, if I'd known you were in to the kinky stuff, I'd have brought my leathers with me to your mum's place." His quip did nothing to staunch my growing anger.

"No, you filthy pouf, you fucking attacked me in there. What gave you the right, Black? Honestly! How am I supposed to let you keep staying in my house if you're liable to do - that - again? Merlin, Sirius. We've been friends for seven years now, and you pull this shite?"

There were any number of reactions I expected. Maybe he'd try to make nice and swear he'd never meant to do anything like that again. Maybe he'd fly off the handle, exclaiming (quite rightly, of course) that I'd kissed him back, and that a simple bit of snogging was hardly assault. But I didn't expect him to laugh. Yet that's what he did. Loudly and boisterously.

"Aw. Is ickle Jamie a bit confused? Did a wittle kissy-poo turn our Prongsie all queer?"

"Fuck you, Black!"

"Reckoned that was why you came up here," he continued to snark, sending me straight over the edge. I walked right up to him, toe-to-toe, rather intent on wiping the floor with that smirk of his.

Why I kissed him instead, I'll probably never know.

But kiss him I did; frantically and fervently. All fingers in his hair, tongue dancing with his in his mouth. I don't think he was expecting that reaction from me - hell, I wasn't expecting that reaction from me - because it took him a good moment to get his head together before he began to reciprocate. But when he did, wow.

My robes came off straightaway; Sirius not being gentleman enough to ask me if I was okay with it, and me not being man enough to tell him either way. But, in for a Knut, in for a Galleon, and Merlin did he know what to do with his hands. Even something as pedestrian as running his fingertips down my spine became a luxurious exercise in back-arching toe-curling bliss.

Sirius laid me down on my back on his bed, stripped my y-fronts off of me, and with a flick of his wand, banished my boots and socks. He stared at me as if I were pudding, and he hadn't had a meal in a week. He growled something underneath his breath and laid down next to me.

"I've wanted to fuck you for ages now, Potter," he whispered, and began nibbling on the ear into which he'd spoken. He started to bite and suck on the nape of my neck, and ran a lazy finger around and around my left nipple, sending tendrils of pleasure straight into my stiffening cock. As he tongued and lightly bit the right one, I made a mental note as I ran my fingers through his dark locks: I'd have to make sure Lily knows to do that.

"Fuck, Sirius, who taught you that one?"

"Not a pretty story, ducks. Let's leave it at that." And we did.

We lay there a bit afterwards; Sirius with a broad smirk on his face, and me feigning exhaustion. Oh, to be sure, I was spent. And my thighs were aching, and my arse still felt as though it was on fire. But mostly my head was racing; thinking whether Sirius would expect this often, and what would happen when word of this got out. Thinking about how I was going to explain it to Lily if it did, and if this meant I was as bent as Padfoot and Moony. And that was really all a bit much to think about, so I decided to cuddle up to Sirius instead.

"Not bad for a straight boy, I'll give you that," he quipped and ruffled my damp hair a bit. "But come on then, James, I'm not some bird who's going to be expecting pillow talk afterwards. Besides, we should get cleaned up and head over to the Shack. It's getting late.


Any illusions I had that Remus couldn't tell what we'd been up to were quickly put to bed the next day. He was surly as a rule the morning after his transformation, so I paid little attention to his cool demeanor at breakfast, but after lunch he pulled me aside on our way to the Transfiguration N.E.W.T.

"Why'd you do it, James?" he asked in a hushed whisper.

"Why'd I do what?"

"Oh come on, Prongs. We've been friends too long for this shite. You fucked Sirius. You fucked my boyfriend, Prongs, why?"

"I'm sorry, Moony. It just happened. Honestly. It's not something either of us set out to do. It just - really, it just sort of happened like that."

"But you have Lily. Merlin's balls, man, you worked so hard to get her and now you're pulling this?"

"You're not going to tell her, are you?"

"No. Although I really ought to. Good luck on the test." Remus was a man of his word, but those were the last words Moony and Prongs shared as Hogwarts students.

Padfoot and Moony had split by the time we were inducted into the Order. According to Sirius, Remus was 'cramping my style,' and Sirius just wasn't ready to be 'hitched up as tight as you and Lily.' According to Remus, the split had been amicable, but we began to see less and less of him. Sure, he was at Lily and my wedding, but Sirius was the best man, so Remus felt a little out of place. He would make hasty exits whenever we tried to get the old gang back together at our cottage in Godric's Hollow. We started to wonder where we would get off to.

Which is probably why when Sirius said that he was too predictable a choice for Secret Keeper, we went with Peter.