Monday, March 17, 2014
Inquirer Daily News

Tell Me About It: Be clear with your choices

Communication isn´t just about asking questions and seeking input. (iStock photo)
Communication isn't just about asking questions and seeking input. (iStock photo)

Question: I wanted to check this disagreement I'm having with my fiance against a neutral party. Once in a while, I notice a situation in which his preferences or perspectives might be different from mine, and when those come up I like to communicate with him about those preferences and how strong they are respectively, to figure out the optimal course of action.


He said that was fine, but later expressed that he didn't understand why I didn't just assume he'd rather I spend the time with him, and that he'd prefer I sometimes try to anticipate his desires rather than always asking about them. I feel like this kind of communication is an integral part of a healthy relationship, and I'm not really inclined to do less of it and more guessing. What do you think?

Answer: I think there are times when I want to apologize to everyone for advising so much talk. Your fiance is right that there's merit in treating some things as obvious. You have plans, so you can assume he wants to see you, right?

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  • But there's more to it than that. By running your conflict by him as you did, you basically assigned the decision to him without taking any position of your own. That can seem respectful on its face - "I want your perspective" - but notice that you're not actually saying, and owning, what you would prefer. You're just asking him to do that, thereby making his preference the deciding vote: messing up his own plans with a yes or being the bad guy with a no.

    If you instead had come clean - "I know we have plans, but, unless you feel strongly, I'd really like to catch up with this friend, since it might be weeks till our next opportunity" - then you'd have given your fiance a chance to weigh in without crossing the boundary into making your decision for you.

    And it is a boundary issue, if a subtle one. Communication isn't just about asking questions and seeking input. It's also about knowing yourself, making clear and consistent choices and being transparent about them. It's when you make your decisions and he makes his and each trusts the other to say so when plans or dreams or feelings get stepped on.


    So, do keep recognizing your fiance's stake in your choices, big and small - but also stop yourself before asking for his preference becomes a way out of owning yours.


    Carolyn Hax
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