Argument | Do dollar coins have a future?

Jul. 7, 2011


By Matt Frassica
Who enjoys jingling a pocketful of change

Last week NPR reported that the Federal Reserve had $1 billion in dollar coins sitting around. It seems Americans have been reluctant to use the coins, even though they feature such presidential favorites as Martin Van Buren (sideburns included!) and Andrew Johnson.

This isn't really surprising — dollar coins with Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea already failed to take off. But it's a shame. With a handful of dollar coins, you can see pretty quickly how much money you have. With paper money, you're stuck flipping through every crumpled single in your wallet, looking for a bill that will actually buy you something.

That's aside from the pure atavistic pleasure of handling large coins. They feel valuable, because they're big and brassy-looking. They carry the likenesses of obscure commanders-in-chief with eccentric haircuts. And they produce a pleasing confusion among waiters. After paying for an ice cream with dollar coins, a friend reported that his waitress asked what was with the "big quarters." Priceless!

The vending machines at the newspaper office dispense these coins when you pay with a large bill. I know I'll be stockpiling them against the day when the Mint stops stamping them out — a sad but inevitable result of our irrational fondness for the grimy old greenback.


By Jeffrey Lee Puckett
Who likes his money green

Social anxiety is this country's third-leading cause of not leaving the house, trumped only by ex-girlfriends and Kevin James movies. Take it from someone who has it: This is a real issue, and the evidence is all around us.

Just look at everything that has been invented because of social anxiety, which, in layman's terms, means you'd rather back over someone in a parking lot than talk to them. ATMs, self-checkout lanes at grocery stores, pay-at-the-pump gas stations — even the Internet, which gives you everything you need minus the people.

And that's why the $1 coins will never fly, because they only lead to painfully awkward social interaction. I've gotten stuck with these things a few times, and it's been a nightmare because of the inevitable conversation with the guy at Thornton's when I'm just trying to get out of there with my Yoo-Hoo and beef jerky.

"This ain't enough."

"That one there, that a $1 coin. Not a quarter."

"Looks like a quarter."

"Well, yeah, except for the part where it's bigger and says $1."

And then he stares at it, and then at me, and then at the coin. The people behind me in line are getting angry, but not at the moron who can't tell a quarter from a $1 coin. They're mad at me for using weird money, which inflames the social anxiety, which makes me not want to leave the house, which means the local economy suffers.

The chain reaction begins. All over the country, people stuck with $1 coins are refusing to spend them. The economic impact grows profound, all for lack of folding money. This tsunami of irony finally ends with a proud nation in ruins, buried under $1 coins and $2 bills. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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