This much I know

Jamie Oliver, chef, 34, London
Jamie Oliver holding hat
Jamie Oliver, August 2009. Photograph: Suki Dhanda

Tony Blair invested some money in school dinners, but you would have got better value for money if I'd spent it myself.

I get zero say in my children's names. If I had a boy I'd like to call him Elvis, but my wife would like to call him Honeydew or something. What's wrong with Elvis Oliver? You'd want to shag him and you'd want to be his mate.

I don't endorse swearing. Idiots do it, and I happen to do it because I can't express myself better. Ministry of Food was particularly emotional and a lot of stuff upset me. We only got complaints after the papers picked up on it, then Wogan chimes in. It's not Blankety Blank; you go up to Rotherham, spend four or five months there and try to make a difference and I'll get a few "fucks" out of you, Terry. But if I did it now I'd edit it all out.

When my grandad's brother died, I found out I was sixth-generation Sudanese. I need to go on Who Do You Think You Are? and find out more, but Channel 4 wouldn't be very pleased.

If you're comfortable you're doing no good for anyone. I wrote to the News of the World and asked to write for them. If I wrote for this mag, I'd be preaching to the converted.

There's been three CEOs while I've been with Sainsbury's. Some things, like chicken, took them by surprise a bit. I wouldn't employ me, frankly.

When I was 14 I thought I'd like to run a pub in an Essex village, like my dad. Not cooking birthday dinners for Brad Pitt and being his mate.

I could make you a millionaire. Our national dish is fish and chips, but how many good chippies are there? I could show you in a day, how to make home-made batter, fantastic tartare sauce, source the best fish - it's so easy. It's not about posh, it's just about good grub.

Nice people have a healthy relationship with food, and miserable people don't. Having a healthy attitude towards cooking and food is really good for the soul. I'm not wrong.

I shot an alligator in Louisiana. They're not endangered, but they are a pest - they live in the rice fields and are mauling up rice farmers. I'm sure someone will whinge about it - like when I cut the throat of the lamb in Italy. Frankly, it's not supposed to be nice, or pretty, it's supposed to be bloody and gory, and if more people saw that they might wonder what they are eating every time they go to the supermarket.

The last time I slid down a bannister was two weeks ago, at Stansted airport. It did chafe a bit.

The way to anyone's heart is through their stomach.

Chickens and pigs have been treated like shite for years. You could argue that it's been about making food affordable to the masses, but ultimately it saves people cash that they spend on a load of old crap, like widescreen TVs. Meat shouldn't be cheap - it's a life.

It's a long time since I had a Big Mac. But even the likes of McDonald's are doing quite radical things, they're doing more than a lot of posh restaurants - they sell more organic milk and free range eggs than anyone else in the industry. I can't even believe I'm sticking up for them.

I could have retired 10 years ago, at 24. But while I'm young and fit, if I'm clever enough and embrace good people, we can do some really good stuff. You've got to keep creating.

I'm a professional shit-stirrer.

Jamie's America is published by Penguin, £26