Kitty Korner


Cat logic in a computerized age


When I get upset, Gatito gets concerned. He hops up on my lap and purrs loudly, trying to cure whatever human frustrations have made me lose my cool. The other afternoon, it was the home mortgage. I wanted to speak with someone about it and maybe change the due date. So, I put in a call to the financial institution where the mortgage is faithfully–although sometimes painfully–paid each month.

A robotic voice welcomed me and offered a menu of choices. “If you want da…da…da, press 1. If you want da…da…do, press 2. And this went on for what seemed like more numbers than there are in the national debt. By the time I had listened to it all, my ear was numb and I had almost forgotten why I called in the first place. Indeed, if I hadn’t eaten before placing the call, I likely would have starved to death while listening to the long litany.

None of the selections were what I needed anyway. So, I shouted “representative” into the phone. The robotic voice said the selection was not understood and returned me to the main menu. Again, much to Gatito’s dismay, I shouted “representative.” The robotic voice replied, “Thank you for calling. Goodbye.”

I said something Gatito has never heard me say before. And my dear, departed Mama would have been horrified at my language.

It’s hard not to say bad things when trying to navigate automation in this overly computerized age. Speaking with living human beings has become unusual when conducting business and talking to machines is now the norm.  Most of the familiar ways of handling finances have gone by the board, too. If you write out a check and try to pay a bill, the check is instantly electronically converted and submitted. No longer is there that nice old safety net of it taking a few days to clear the bank in case you’re low on funds!

Then there are those phone calls that come when you’re trying to do something important like feeding the cats. The phone rings and rings. So, it has to be something crucial, right? You juggle the tuna can in one hand and the Meow Mix in the other and finally manage to answer. You hear a robotic voice saying Da Da Da Carpet Cleaners will be in your neighborhood next week. To make an appointment  for Monday between 10 a.m. and noon, press 1; for Tuesday between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. press 2….

“We have hardwood floors, no carpet,” I say, trying to be polite. The robotic voice doesn’t care and drones on. “To make an appointment Wednesday or Thursday between the hours of….”

I slam down the receiver–and drop the Meow Mix.

“We are never going to contact any financial institutions or answer the phone again,” I tell Gatito.  He rubs around my ankles to calm me down. And then (did I imagine this?) he suggests a logical solution–something that could cure my personal frustrations and the nation’s unemployment problems as well.

“They should hire out-of-work human beings to replace the robotic voices,” Gatito mews. “What’s needed in the human world are fewer automated systems and more real people who can communicate intelligently.”

Sounds sensible to me.

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Rose Mary Budge Budge

Rose Mary Budge Budge