Dager: Despite warning, prognosticator predicts a new tomorrow

This is my 10th annual predictions column. However, if everybody goes all Mayan apocalypse tomorrow, then it'll be my last annual predictions column.

As always, I start by reiterating some of the prognostications from last year's piece to show you how wonderful my psychic abilities are. Last year I wrote, "Utility rates will continue to soar despite public protest, and protesting is just about all we can do because it's pretty much impossible to boycott utility companies."

Proof: I recently wrote a column about my Internet service provider suddenly and arbitrarily charging "rent" for its customers' modems. Shortly after the column appeared, the company signed us up for a higher speed — and higher cost — Internet access that my husband specifically told a representative we didn't want in a prior phone conversation. I guess they thought we wouldn't mind that extra 10 bucks a month.

Sure, I was wrong with my prediction about one of the Kardashians committing a felony to stay newsworthy, but there's always tomorrow, unless the world comes to an end. In the off chance we'll survive to see another Kardashian moment, here are my predictions for lucky number 2013.

1. People will embrace the idea of genetically modified foods once they realize we'll all have superpowers after consuming them. The problem is superpowers aren't as awesome when everybody's got one.

2. Class action lawsuits will continue to pile up as banks are punished for unethical and illegal practices. As usual, the lawyers will reap the bulk of the benefits, and the ripped-off customers will get checks for $4.67*. (*Actual class-action figure given to my daughter by a bank that's notorious for charging usurious fees.)

3. The oft-used phrase "men age better than women," will go by the wayside when people finally realize it's simply because our society puts more emphasis on how women age. Just kidding. Women will continue to buy creams and lotions, and have injections and surgeries, because our society has an extreme double standard and there's a multibillion-dollar industry that depends on it.

4. Archaeologists will make an important discovery during a dig, furthering knowledge and benefiting mankind, but most television viewers will switch channels because they want to know how Honey Boo Boo is feeling after she loses a baby tooth.

5. California continues to be the joke of the nation, as other states wonder why we'd once again vote to tax ourselves, when it's clear that such measures only further political agendas and are not for the purposes stated on the ballot. Or maybe it's not clear, and that's why we're such a joke.

6. A celebrity will have a baby, give the baby a weird name, and, in a magazine interview, declare motherhood to be the best thing that ever happened to her. Wait — let me amend that prediction. No fewer than five celebrities will have babies, give them weird names, etc.

7. In light of the recent tragic events surrounding the prank phone call from Australian DJs to a hospital in England, radio show hosts worldwide will begin attempting to employ wit, humor and intelligence rather than stupid pranks. Never again will there be such an upswing in vehicle CD-player usage on the ride to work.

8. Twinkies, that beloved taste treat, will restart production, along with Ding Dongs, Sno Balls and Ho Hos, as another company buys up the assets of the bankrupt manufacturer. The new company will sell them in limited edition, forcing desperate Twinkie lovers to stand in line to buy them at inflated prices like bread during the Depression.

Even better news is the well-documented fact that Twinkies will survive a Mayan apocalypse, much like cockroaches, and, possibly, Kardashians.


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