Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football

Tittle and tattle


Oh dear. We're back already. And what do you know: our usually mild depression levels have sunk to a wild GIVE ME PROZAC NOW lust. Why? Well, receiving a Robson Green CD for Christmas didn't help (do people really hate us that much?). And a trip to Milton Keynes' "biggest ever panto" Dick Whittington (starring family favourite Gary Wilmot, Hi De Hi's Jeffrey Holland and Roland Rat) was another uppercut to our spirits. Then came today, a new low - with the stark realisation that we'd be spending all January wheezing on about loan deals made during the transfer window.

So here goes. [Fiver tries to summon up will to live. Fails]. Everton have agreed loan deals for US international striker Brian McBride and Egyptian defender Ibrahim Said, subject to work permits, until the end of the season. So no doubt we'll all be deluged with pathetic puns ("Here comes the McBride," anyone?) by tomorrow morning. The Fiver is more impressed, however, with the news that Said is famous for being sent home from Egypt's African Nations Cup squad for failing to adhere to "camp rules". (Insert your own Julian Clary joke here).

The big news of the day, however, is that Birmingham have signed no-goals-in-16-games-this-season striker Christophe Dugarry from Bordeaux. On loan. "We are delighted that he has chosen us," a beaming Steve Bruce admitted today. "To have someone of his credentials is a massive, massive thing for us." And drawing deep from the cup of hyperbole, the Birmingham boss added, Hello-style: "Once I had met him - two weeks ago - he shook my hand then and said he would like to come. He has been true to his word. It is the biggest signing this club has ever made." God help us all - we've got 29 more days of this, you know....

* * * * * * * * * * *


Contrary to popular feeling, the Fiver is all for spending time with the folks at Christmas. Surely it is impossible to emerge into the fresh air of one's own life untouched by the bountiful wisdom which only comes with age. And they don't come much wiser than Granny Fiver. The trouble with people these days, she would say, is that they always want things but they don't want to pay for them. Since "these days" are ones of an explosion in transfer window-induced loan signings, who would argue? It's probably for the best that she is off on her post-New Year detox jollies with some of the boys and girls from the day centre.

Nevertheless, those cockles that she can still call her own would undoubtedly be warmed by the upright stance taken by that nice Football Association in the face of the downright cheeky suggestion that two north London Premiership clubs (they know who they are) should 'borrow' the new Wembley stadium. "It's not up for discussion," said Soho suit, Nick Baron, palpably disgusted at the very idea.

"The conditions of the money we receive from Sport England are that we are not allowed to have an anchor tenant," he glared stoically. "Also, I don't think that Brent Council would look very favourably on having another 30 major events a year at the stadium." Indeed, as he added: "you have got to consider local people." Aah, a true gentleman. If Granny Fiver were still a girl...

* * * * * * * * * * *


"There has been no sign of any passion, discipline or fun over the last few months" - Fun-loving Bayer Leverkusen captain Jens Nowotny gets angry with his under-performing team-mates.

* * * * * * * * * * *


No. We're short of staff. Sorry.

* * * * * * * * * * *


Barcelona are lining up a bid for Juventus striker David Trezeguet.

West Brom have opened talks with Derby striker Malcolm Christie.

Angelo Peruzzi could be come the latest goalkeeper to sit on the Arsenal bench and watch David Seaman flap at crosses.

* * * * * * * * * * *


Today's SPL results: Aberdeen 1 Celtic 1, Dundee United 2 Kilmarnock 2, Dunfermline Athletic 2 Livingston 0, Hearts 4 Hibernian 4, Motherwell 2 Partick Thistle 2, Rangers 3 Dundee 1.

Frank Stapleton has been interviewed for the Ireland manager's job, despite more than eight years out of management.

Great news for Coventry's next opponents - Gary McAllister has won the manager of the month award.

They may have their most successful football team for years and one of the heroes of the Ryder Cup, but Welsh children will give their Sports Personality of the Year award to David Beckham. A spokesman explained: "He is a fashion icon and is popular with girls as well as boys. This just shows that children are open- minded, it doesn't mean they support England."

Good enough for Argentina but not for Sunderland: Howard Wilkinson has told Nicolas Medina he will not allow him to join up with the Argentina squad. After 18 months at the Stadium of Light, he's yet to make his Black Cats debut, so perhaps Wilkinson will let him join up with the Sunderland squad for a change.

* * * * * * * * * * *


Sky Sports 1: Soccer Extra (8.30pm)
We loved your Christmas stories.

FA Cup Classics (11pm)
But now that's run its course we need something else.

Sky Sports 3: The Premiership Years (5pm)
Let's try 30th birthday parties/first-time-I-realised-I-was-getting-old tales.

Radio 5: Sport on Five with Ian Payne (7pm)
Email the details to and we'll print the best, starting from tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * * *


You can subscribe and unsubscribe at

* * * * * * * * * * *


If you want to contact the Fiver, email

* * * * * * * * * * *


Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2002. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester M60 2RR.

  • I Am The Secret Footballer Small Graphic


Today's best video

Today in pictures

More from The Fiver
