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22 February 2014 @ 09:08 pm
I can't decide if I'm handling all the stress lately really well (all things considered), or if I'm not handling it at all and just haven't noticed that yet. I mean, I know I am stressed. The physical symptoms give that one away: more migraines, more headaches, extra periods, lack of sleep, etc. My body is fairly reliable when it comes to letting me know we're under pressure.

But I'm not panicking. Visibly, I mean. I'm not panicking the way everyone else is panicking, I'm not dwelling on what could go wrong or who we might lose. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, yes, but more in the sense of 'we can't do anything about it, so lets not worry until it happens'.

I think, anyway. Could be I'm just not letting myself think too much consciously about it.

Sometimes I just wonder, you know? If this is where I'm supposed to be in terms of handling stress, instead of curled in a ball and semi-catatonic like I would have been three/four years ago, or if I've gone too far in the other direction and am now overly-detached/slightly sociopathic.

Thing of it is, if I have become detached/sociopathic? I think it's sort of ... working. In terms of remaining functional, I mean. Doing the jobs that need doing, and remaining relatively intact in the process. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person or not.

I'm not sure how to manage things at this end. I've never really gone through such high-stress situations while in this particular frame of mind before. Most of the major stress periods of my life have set off massive depressive episodes, and I don't know if I'm just conscious enough now to be wondering if this is the start of one of those, or if the depressive episode is actually just not happening this time and it's weirding me out.

I'm not used to being this relatively functional in a crisis period, is my point. Relative to my own past behaviour, and also relative to the people around me. I don't know what it means. I'm behaving in an overly logical and practicality-orientated manner, which is abrasive and insensitive in the face of emotion, and I'm flat not really capable of figuring out how to help everyone else who is visibly panicking/deteriorating/becoming depressive around me. I don't know if I've frozen up and become detached, if this is what maybe my normal approach to stress in the absence of depression is, if it's what it's meant to be, or if I've lost touch with something inside me that is actually panicking and the rest of me just hasn't properly noticed yet.

And yes, I realise I'm being panicky right now. I am actually worried and stressed. It's just a very strange kind of worry/stress compared to what I remember from the rest of my experience?

*shakes head* I'm trying to just keep an eye on it. I'm trying to monitor my physical condition, since it's more reliable for noticing problems than my mental one. I'm trying to allow for personal weakness and physical sickness in the wake of stress. I've taken more headache pills in the past three weeks than I've ever taken in my life, I think, but I'm sticking to prescribed doses and trying to eat okayish and sleep okayish around it. I'm being more rigidly organised than usual, both at work and at home, and I'm fairly sure that's a stress response but again, it seems to be one that works in my favour (if possibly not in everyone else's).

At this stage, beyond trying to keep myself relatively stable and functional, I don't really know what to do? If the bad thing happens, the one that we're all afraid of, then it happens and there's not much we can do to prevent it. I kind of want to be able to help everyone else, to not be so coldly/aggressively functional towards them, but I'm not really sure how to do that. Relative to my own past levels of functionality, this level of detachment/pragmatism appears to be serving me well, but it's really highlighting the gap between me and everyone else right now, and I'm not sure what to do with that or if I'm supposed to do anything.

*groans, drops head* I'm stressed as fuck right now. But it's weird stress, and the weirdness of it is kind of stressing me out in and of itself a little. Despite this, I remain a lot more day-to-day functional than I've ever been during similar life events in the past.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? And ... should I care, so long as it's working?

*rubs head* Gods, I need to go to bed. We have to have a family discussion tomorrow, try and figure out how not to kill each other in the face of what's happening. It's possible this will end very badly, and I've work the day after that. I should sleep lots, I think. Have an energy cushion for when things go tits up.

Life is exhausting. Worry is exhausting. Fucking everything is exhausting right now. I hate the world so much sometimes :(

Oi. Anyway. As you were, everyone. My apologies, I needed to vent for a bit, yes?
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
dickgloucester: spideranimateddickgloucester on February 22nd, 2014 10:34 pm (UTC)
At such times, different people cope with the stress differently. Some become very emotional; others become very pragmatic. This is all along the scale of normal. Amd it could just be that you've grown up a bit over the last few years. The important thing right now is to take care of yourself and do what needs doing. When the situation is resolved, other peole will look back and be glad someone was keeping their head.

corvuscornix: I know this placecorvuscornix on February 23rd, 2014 12:23 am (UTC)
Such a high level of stress is not a "normal" situation (or rather, it shouldn't be) and I don't think there is any "normal" or "right" way to respond. Any way that can make you cope is good. If it gets you through, then it is good.

me_ya_ri: Lotusme_ya_ri on February 23rd, 2014 03:33 am (UTC)
I'd say take the functionality and go with it. Yes, it might be stressing other people out but there's also the possibility that being functional when they're not will help later on. And yes on lots of sleep, eating as well as possible and venting as needed. Do what you need to to cope. And good luck? For whatever it is and for whatever that's worth. *encouraging hugs*
Toast // dumber than a sack of hairdytabytes on February 23rd, 2014 03:37 am (UTC)
Maybe it's just that you've become used to stress, so you know how to deal with it and function through it nowadays, instead of going through a breakdown? I know that's sort of how it's worked for me; I'll still snap if I'm under huge amounts of pressure, but I have more leeway where I know I'm stressed as shit, but can still get stuff done to an extent.
ciaranbochna: Bright Starciaranbochna on February 23rd, 2014 05:44 am (UTC)
The pressure that you are under must be boggling. Being the support for your family while juggling work--I am not surprised that your migraines have worsened (mine do the same in a crisis). There is no predicting how you will react in a crisis, and though it is impossible not to worry, I would say muddle through as best you can and try to ignore what others say about how you cope. If it is working for you it doesn't matter. Vent as much as you need, and write whenever you can. Our ears are open. Sending positive thoughts for you and family.

yumearashi: Harlequinyumearashi on February 24th, 2014 02:09 am (UTC)
*many hugs and backrubs* Seconding the comments above - stress has unpredictable effects, so in my (decidedly unqualified) opinion, it's not bad that you're reacting differently. And even if it's awkward being the practical, level-headed one, it's better that someone's able to take care of what needs doing. I think it's smart that you're taking things as they come and taking the best care of yourself that's possible. I hope that whatever's going on, it goes well - or as least-badly as it can, anyway.