&quot;Oh God. We Had A Whole Act Of Crumple Face&quot;

Crazed uber-commenter Lolcait was a Theater/English double major in college, did you know that? Also when he first moved to New York he worked for Telecharge Group Sales and he got to see a lot of plays. So basically he is a theater critic. He will occasionally bring his expertise to bear on the talked-about plays of our time, sort of like that kid who really liked 'Young Frankenstein.' First up: Claire "Crumple Face Cry" Danes' Broadway debut in Pygmalion!

Memily: Thank you for taking me on a gay ass date to see Claire Danes' Broadway debut on Friday
Rhymes With Smellolcait: You are very welcome. I know how you love Times Square.
Memily:the bright lights dazzle my eyes!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: a feast for the senses!
Memily: So much beauty.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: plus, the homeless man bar was a treat, I'm sure.
Memily:I can't believe those women have to wear bikinis
actually I totally can believe that
what i can't believe is how hot they were!
those ladies could be around the corner at Hawaiian Tropic Zone easy!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Working/living under the Port Authority apparently does a body good.
Memily: it's not like they were missing teeth!
Maybe they like being a big fish in a small, dank, dimly lit pond.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Who doesn't, really.
Memily: Ha! speak for yourself.
Oh but (segue!)
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yes!
Memily: Claire Danes apparently does like to be a big fish in a small pond, having allowed herself to be stunt-casted into the Roundhouse production of George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Roundabout. Roundhouse was a much beloved Nickelodeon show, m'dear.
(at least, beloved by me)
Memily: also a drama camp i attended! in fourth grade!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: ohh. You've got major theatrical chops.
Unlike La Danes
Memily: Ooh look at you, segue fever is catching!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yeah, I'm a quick study. Like Eliza Doolittle!
Memily:She IS a quick study. You know, the one thing that makes Pygmalion less fun than My Fair Lady, besides the lack of , you know, fun songs like "Without You," is that it doesn't have like a montage scene where they teach her stuff
Rhymes With Smellolcait: instead we just got magical gliding set pieces.
Memily:When (shows cards) I played Eliza Doolittle in Eastern Middle School's production of My Fair Lady. the director made me practice the scene where she has to talk with marbles in her mouth with atomic fireballs! The set pieces were really, really impressive. I loved how they would slowly recede into the background as the other set popped up
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yes, it was very pretty.
The whole thing was very elegant and refined.
But a little staid.
Memily: I kept wanting to break out into "Art and music will thrive without you/somehow Keats WILL survive without you ..."
Rhymes With Smellolcait: haha! you should have.
Memily: um I am am huge fucking dork! Heh
"you, dear friend who talks so well ... you can go to Hartford Heresford and Hampshire!"
Rhymes With Smellolcait: well, I believe I freaked about because the guy from Talkin' Broadway was sitting next to you.
So we're both dorks.
Memily: Um, YEAH.
He smelled good
But you know what STANK?
Claire Danes' bloody English accent!
Both of 'em!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Oh dear. The play is just so BRITISH. it seems like an exercise in futility to cast an American. I would have liked to have seen a bedraggled Emma Watson. Or Posh Spice, perhaps.
Memily: "Tawoo bonches of viiiilets traad in the maad. A fool daooys waooauges! Why daunt yawoo look whehhh yoaahh gawwwing?"
Rhymes With Smellolcait: a little za-za-zoom.
Memily: Omg POSH SPICE.
I mean, ANY Spice will do!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: She's got a sense of humor, and she could just ape Mel C for the first part. That girl was traaaashy.
Memily: Mel B would be a really fun choice b/c then it could have POSTCOLONIAL SUBTEXT.
Rhymes with Smellolcait: oh ho ho!
I wonder if she's grown accustomed to Eddie Murphy's baby yet.
Memily: Ha, she is growing accustomed to being FACED.
Anyway, that is a funny part. It needs to be someone funny ... a funny British lady.
Why can't I think of anyone who isn't, like, 50?
Tracey Ullman! Jennifer Saunders!
Yeah, no.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Dawn from The Office!
Memily: Oh um I don't know if I told you this but I forgot to own a tv
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Oh, yes. You did mention that.
Memily: so I basically don't understand anything anyone ever says. I'm like "oh Kid Nation" and then I just listen and nod for like half an hour.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: haha
Memily: I did get the guy from the CW to start sending screeners of top model and gossip girl though
Anyway. Claire Danes reminded me of how she was in the Our Town episode of MSCL
"Look, I'm ACTING! Look at all this ACTING!"
I was excited for you though when she did her signature move.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Yes!
Major Pro: Crumple Face
Major Con: Crumple Face
It's such a love/hate relationship
Memily: Actually we were debating this this morning
as you know (and everyone knows!) Josh is a major supporter of La Danes
Rhymes With Smellolcait: But of course.
Memily: and he was like, she is great in closeup
and I was like "closeup of her meaty thighs!" but actually I sort of see his point.
do you think she's just not a theater actress?
And if that's the case
what movies has she been good in?
Rhymes With Smellolcait: She's PRETTY. but in a really "Handsome" way. You know? Like broad-shouldered women from the 40's?
Eleanor Roosevelt had she not been in some sort of tractor accident.
Memily:To refresh your memory, here is her CV from the program:
"Pygmalion marks Danes' Broadway debut. Her film work includes Matthew Vaughn's Stardust, Lajos Koltai's Evening, Anand Tucker's Shopgirl, Thomas Bezucha's The Family Stone and Richard Eyre's Stage Beauty. Danes also starred in Jonathan Mostow's Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines.
Rhymes With Smellolcait: It's so erratic!
I think she's a good actress, and could be good on stage. But not in this part.
It just doesn't work.
I mean T3: Rise of the Machines is some of Tony Kushner's best work. And his dialogue is often very stage-y.
Memily:I think the mistake was that she played it for pathos. It's a funny part! We are supposed to feel a little sorry for Liza at the end
but not from the first moment of the play!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: Oh god. We had a whole Act (IV, I believe) of Crumple Face
Memily: Oh. Was that when I fell asleep?
Rhymes With Smellolcait: It was too much. And then there was that weird, off-tone dollop at the end with 'Enry 'Iggins looking pensive.
Oh, I took a long nap during Act II. But was fully awake for Crumple Face (right after intermission)
Memily: I totes didn't notice
you didn't slump over and drool or anything!
Rhymes With Smellolcait: I'm good at sleeping during the theatre. That $46 glass of Cabernet I had in the lobby was probably not a good idea.