by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs Get better, I-Man You know, GRAHAM KERR KICKS SO MUCH ASS - even thirty years later HEY! I forgot to tell you about my trip to Los Angeles! Oh well. Hmmm....another FX "Toughman 2000: Pro Wrestling vs. Pro Football" ad snuck in before the start of the show. I STILL don't wanna watch it... I am DISGUSTED that people CONTINUALLY talk about ratings as if the West Coast doesn't exist. Hey, guess what, the basketball game WAS on during the first hour of Nitro! So stick your head up your ass! Can you idiots ONCE provide a ratings report that MIGHT take into account how the Pacific (and maybe Mountain) timezones impact the ratings? Pretty please? By the way, WE didn't get that Arena Football intrusion during OUR feed of ECW on TNN - because the game wasn't live (obviously) when it was on a three-hour tape delay. They DID promo it during an ad break. It's like when people go "Gosh! The ratings for Sunday Night Heat really seem down this week!" and they NEVER stop to think that MAYBE it's COMPETING with the pay-per-view LIVE showing on the WEST FUCKING COAST. I'm SO TIRED of it. Sheesh. Okay, onto this thing. I'm better now. I had a beer. WCW logo - what he said TV-PG-DLV - Highlights from Nitro - Close captioned Opening credits - no big changes...yet - smell my symbolism PYRO! We are on tape from Montana State's Brick Breeden Fieldhouse in Bozeman, MT 21.6.2K (taped 20.6) and the Big Sky Tour CONTINUES! Montana State's slogan is "If nobody else will take you, WE'LL give you a degree!" Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where the tag team champions retained thanks to Tank Abbott disappearing mid-match RICK WOOF WOOF v. JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE - From what we've seen on Monday, it's GRUDGE MATCH time! Steiner takes the mic and says Scott might mumble, but listen to me! "Tank've been called out a million times, so this is nothing new. American Bash, you hit me with a chain. Norfolk, Virginia, I laid you out with a clothesline - we're even. Last Monday, we had a chance for the tag titles, and you left the ring for some fan with a sign. Tonight, I want to end this partnership once and for all! want some? Come get some! You don't like me? Bite me!" Crowd may or may not be chanting along. This match shouldn't be pretty - but I mean that in the *good* way. Standoff. Abbott strikes - got a single-leg...there's a throw by Abbott. Legbar by Abbott. Steiner rolls it over - and grabs a rope. Steiner shoots - to the corner - back around with a takedown - Abbott in the guard - trying to turn to a cross armbreaker...Steiner wraps a leg around the bottom rope - well, apparently not - Abbott holds on. Now the hold is broken. They decide to get to MAULING and exchange several rapid-fire punches. Steiner pushes him down after an ersatz waistlock, yet Tenay says Abbott is in control. Sure enough, he has the guard back on with a front facelock. Steiner breaks free of the facelock - Abbott kicks him back to his feet. Abbott back to HIS feet - lockup, side headlock takeover by Abbott, holding on - 1 by referee "Blind" Mickie Jay. Steiner rolls it back up - raking the eyes of Abbott - rolled over, but Abbott pops up - left hand, right HAND OF STONE. Jay puts on the count....Abbott AGAIN leaving the ring before ten. This time, it may come back to haunt him...Steiner is back on his feet (!) and Abbott comes back in. Steiner ducks a second right, and grabs him into one of Scott's blockbuster suplexes. Steinerline! Steiner mounts his back and drives his elbow repeatedly into the back of Abbott's head. Steiner lets Abbott get to his feet - then takes him over with a side headlock. Steiner holding on and pulling back on the neck. Steiner lets loose and gets back up - climbing to the second rope. BULLDOG! 1, 2, 3!! Holy crap! (3:27) That was a GOOD match. Commentators sell that the good wrestler beat the good submission fighter - because the submission fighter was surprised that the wrestler took the best he had to give...and still got up. Your hosts are the AWESOME 3. Russo is still in the hospital (wink wink), Bischoff isn't around (Heenan points to his eye), so...the Cat is in charge. Who knows WHAT could happen? Tonight: the new 3 Count single debuts! Will Lance Storm show up? Will something happen betwixt Vampiro and Dale Torborg? Where's Asya? How long DOES Rick Steiner's music go on? These questions and many more - MIGHT be answered - on this episode of...SOAP! Hold the phone - Tank Abbott jumps back into the picture and grabs a fan right behind the commentators - brings him back over the rail, and SHREDS his shirt. What's up with that? Perhaps a clue can come from the destroyed said...."3 COUNT SUX." Again, I will tell you what I told you Monday. Either Tank Abbott is a (no longer in the) closet 3 Count fan...or he's the human pixellator who lives to eradicate the word "SUX" from our TV Screens. Either way, it's pretty surreal...but I have to admit I'm intrigued. After Abbott rips off the shirt, he walks off, leaving SECURITY to tend to the plant - I mean, fan. Outside, a white limousine pulls up. Say..that *is* Ice Train behind the wheel! Why didn't I notice that? (Props to "the man I call Al.") Jeff Jarrett, Cat, and Mike Awesome get out. Jarrett asks Cat to book Awesome vs. Steiner for Bash at the Beach. Cat says he was gonna book that match tonight to "keep the ratings up." The limo driver whispers something in Cat's ear - Cat digs the idea, whatever it was...maybe he whispered "Hey, I'm Ice Train! Remember me? Woo woo!" When we come back, we take a look in the production truck, where the tag team champions conspire with a technical director named "Woody" - THEY'RE gonna play the tricks tonight. Did Chuck Palumbo just give us a Pauly Shore impersonation? Stasiak asks what that button does - then hits it We cut to the ring, where the ringposts make as Kane - ring announcer DAVID PENZER hits the deck The tag team champs give us some yuks - yuk yuk JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & AWESOME MULLET & NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL are out to Jarrett's music. Get to gabbin'...I guess. First up is Jarrett: "I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I am the Chosen One! And I am the best damn WCW World Heavyweight Champion there's ever been! Is there any coincidence that no one's been able to keep me down, ever since my phoenix-like ascent to the heap? I don't think so! Is it any coincidence that the "Slap Nuts" T-shirt is the fastest sellin' T-shirt in the HISTORY of WCW? I don't think so! And is it any coincidence that the Immortal Hulk Hogan was stretchered out of the ring the last time he faced yours truly, never to be seen or heard from again? I don't think so. But Hollywood - or - or, Hulkster - or whoever in the hell you're trying to pass yourself off this week. I've sent you a Get Well card every damn day, because I promise that if you healed up, you would get your title shot at Bash at the Beach - so what to you say, Terry? One last shot at the gold...for old time's sake! But Hogan...if you make it to the Bash, I got a big surprise for ya. That's right - I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna find the biggest, the baddest, the most disgusting lady I can find - and I'm gonna find that big, fat, disgusting lady and I'm gonna bring her to ringside. And when you feel the Stroke, and you hear that wonderful sound of 1, 2, 3 - I'm gonna bring that big, fat, disgusting heifer up to the ring and I'm gonna have her sing her big fat ass off. That's right - the fat lady's gonna sing just for you, Hogan! So why don't you choke on that...slapnut." Awesome: "You people shut up and let me talk. At the Bash at the Beach, the Career Killer's gonna strike again! 'cause you see, Scott Steiner, I know what your one weakness is - I know how your back is just one tablebomb away from goin' snap, crackle, pop! So Big Poppa - pump up those freakish arms of yours, 'cause you're gonna need 'em to push yourself around in a wheelchair for the rest of your miserable life - aaaahhhhh!" Cat: "(clearing throat) 1, 2, may I please have your attention - may I please have your attention - shut the hell up!" Schiavone: "Did you ever think you'd wanna see Bischoff and Russo come back?" Umm, NO. "You know, I was gonna come out here and speak to you people on behalf of Goldberg. I was gon' tell you how Goldberg was gonna rip Nash apart. I'm not gon' do that. But I can tell you one thing. When I get Scott Hall contract in my hands, I got big plans, because it belongs to the New Blood. But anyway, for tonight I got a real big show planned for you stupid people out there. This show is gonna send ratings through the roof! I got to be the greatest, man. I came up with a great idea - I got to be the greatest, I can't believe this! I can't stand myself, I'm so great! Somebody kiss my momma, hahaha. I got a real big show, so if you can shut up, I can tell you what's goin' down in the main event tonight. Hey lady, if you don't sit your fat ass down, I'm gonna get security to get you outta here, you hear me? Now--" at this point a drink thrown from the crowd hits Cat. Cat makes a lunge, making sure Awesome figures out to hold him back. Good ad lib by the Cat there. "Now...for tonight main event, it's still gon' be a big show! For tonight's main even, in this corner we gon' have Mike Awesome and Jeff Jarrett. And in this corner, we gon' have Nash and Big Poppa Pump - the ratings goin' through the roof - HIT MY MUSIC!" Cat goes into his dance while Jarrett and Awesome, just slightly less happy than before, walk off. To the locker room, where G. Rection addresses the Misfits. Tonight, their mission is a 3-Way Dance mixed tag - Lt. Loco and Maj. Gunns represnting the Misfits. Rection says that Cat's "no interference" rule is still in effect. They're STILL trying for yuks with this crew...and they still ain't gettin' 'em. Backstage, Terry Funk gives Johnny "the Bull" some lessons in being hardcore - which apparently involves learning to take repeated shots with a trashcan - and a kick to the nuts. "Never leave yourself exposed like that!" Funk asks Johnny to hit him six or seven times, and he'll show him how to take it. Funk stops after one. "That was really good..." Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Loco held onto his title in a three-way dance - and post-match, there was a brief tussle between Paisley, Tygress and Gunns. RAYMOND STEREO & NYTRO GRRL TYGRYSS (with Disco Inferno, de Juice & Konnan) v. LT. LOCO & MAJ. GUNNS (with G. Rection, Cpl. Cajun and whatever his rank is Stash) v. THE ACRONYM & PAISLEY - Tony Schiavone sends Get Well Wishes to Klondike Bill on behalf of WCW. Tony goes on to proclaim this matchup "interesting." Well, that's not the word *I* would have used...commentators stress that Cat's "no interference" rule is still in effect. Looks like Rey's cut off his dyejob. Tygress and Gunns to start - no, Tygress tags Mysterio. What's with the one white boot and one black boot, anyway? Gunns decides she'll hook it up with Mysterio...hmm, I wonder if she'll wrestle him as well. Must have been a ploy, as Gunns slaps the taste out of a distracted Rey. Kick in the nuts! Tag to Loco - into the ropes, Rey slides under, but eats a gutshot - exploder by Loco. Off the ropes...we'll call that a "Mexican clothesline" for want of a better description. Rey tags Paisley - Paisley wonders where Artist went - we pan right to see him on the floor, wanting no part of this. Paisley steps in as Loco gives us his Artist impersonation. Loco tags Tygress. Well NOW we'll see it. Even de Juice is up on the apron jumping up and down in anticipation. Paisley runs at her and Tygress takes her down with a shove of the hair. Hairpull takeover, another, out of the ropes is reversed, Artist holds the hair as Paisley slowly walks into a boot - oy. Tygress with a back elbow for the Artist an dadvancing on Paisley - scoop - and a slam. Tygress to her corner - but Rey isn't there for some reason. Paisley rushes the corner - and finds nobody. Rey up to ask for the tag, now. Commentators speculate that Rey wanted to make sure she was out before he came in - uhh, right. Paisley reaches for the Artists - Mysterio over to waffle him to the floor. Paisley put in place on the corner - broncobuster coming up? No, Artist pulls Paisley to safety. Mysterio lands on the second rope - Artist on the apron and throwing forearms, Rey falls back in the ring. Artist in, into the ropes, gutshot, picking up Mysterio who counters with a flying headscissors. Tag to Loco - big plancha off the corner - into the ropes, big back body drop. Standing dropkick by Loco. Right, right, Paisley sneaking on and now on his back with a sleeper. WHOOOOSH Bash at the Beach is 18 Days Away Master Lock WHOOOOOOSH Loco manages to shake free of Paisley's grip but Artist has had time to position himself on the second rope - D-D-T. 1, 2, 3. (2:01) Well, the cruiserweight champion's been pinned - of course, Mike Modest once got a pin on the cruiserweight champion and look what it did for HIM. From the crowd, LANCE STORM makes his apperance and demolishes Mysterio (springboard dropkick), Loco (over the ropes to the floor) and Artist (punch, punch, punch, whip reversed, sliding under, back elbow, into the ropes, Holly-esque dropkick, into the ropes, gutshot absorbed, superkick, takes a Samoan Drop, takes a right, right, whip is reversed and finally he goes out). For an encore, Storm hits a springboard plancha on the assembled masses outside the ring...then walks out through the crowd. Outside, we take a look at the hearse, which has pulled up outside the arena. Dale Torborg happens upon it just as we do. "Asya!" He searches the hearse - but only comes up with an earring. Calling for Vampiro, he runs off... Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - Nitro hits Des Moines Monday! JOBBIN' VAMPIRO is out - but DALE TORBORG recognises that music and punks him out before he can hit the bottom of the ramp! They brawl to the ring - now IN the ring - the man in the KISS T-shirt punches away. "Where is she?" Vampiro brandishes the other earring...and nods. Torborg backs off as Vampiro gets THE STICK: "Do you wanna see your girlfriend again? 'cause if anything ever happens to me...nobody in this whole world but ME knows where she is. Ya see, Dale, Demon...I like you. You're sick. You're a twisted freak, just like me. You got the sickness. But the big difference between me and I just can't turn this off. Every stinkin' subhuman day of my life, I am sick inside. I can't take this makeup off and get away from the pain that makes me do the things that I so like to do. That's why I took her away from you, you sick, twisted freak. You gotta listen to the voices in your head, Dale. You gotta embrace the Demon! You can't run away! But I'll make ya a deal. You wanna see your girl? That's no problem. But you're gonna have to do ... everything that she's done in the last two days. A deal's a deal. Now go - move it! And let me tell you something right now - don't you dare turn around and look at me, 'cause I swear, this'll be done, it's over, and you'll never see your fiancee ever again." Vampiro makes the Raven "crucify" pose...and Demon walks off...Vampiro right behind him. Backstage, Cat proclaims Vampiro a sick dude. Franchise catches up to him - he wants a favour. After Cat and Franchise establish the heat Franchise has with Bischoff, Franchise asks Cat if he'll book a handicap match with Bagwell against Candido & Bigelow. Cat says he just got a great idea - he'll book a handicap match with Candido & Bagwell against Bagwell. Don't make me beat you over the head with this, now. Oh, and also...a production is made out of the fact that Franchise now owes Cat a favour. When we come back, Vampiro is shoving Demon. "I swear, you touch one hair on her head..." Vampiro throws the keys to the hearse to Torborg and tells him to drive. "Not knowin' is half the drive!" And off they go... Back to our commentators, who engage in idle speculation. Asya's probably in the Unabomber's shack - oh wait, they confiscated that, didn't they. Sorry, that's the only Montana joke I've got... Schiavone brandishes a memo from the Cat. "It says 'Schiavone, why can't you and Tenay be more like Heenan...' Let me go to the next paragraph." There are apparently some new rules for hardcore matches - they must begin in the back, but end in the ring. Weapons will be placed in the ring to keep us from confusing this with wrestling. Anyway, the pinfall or submission MUST take place in the ring. Let Us Take You Back to Nitro and highlights of Nitro's hardcore title match WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: BIG VITO v. THE WALL - hey, I was *wondering* what happened to the Wall. And by that, I mean "I was HOPING we'd never have to see him wrestle again." Table here, cooler there, through the curtain - say, if they're not gonna count the pinfall or submission until they get to the ring, then why is referee "Blind" Billy Silverman following them around? Pole, chair, garbage can. On the monitor, we see Terry Funk telling Johnny "the Bull" that he can teach him to be the King of Hardcore as they watch this match. Oh man, I don't think this is the kind of thing I want to keep watching. We're down the aisle and at ringside with Wall in control. Crutch. Vito tossed in the ring and Wall follows - naturally, climbing over the top rope. Into the corner, Vito throws up an elbow, then a Mafia kick. Vito on the second rope - elbowdrop. Vito has the trashcan lid - and the baseball bat. Lid on crotch - bat to lid. Vito going outside for the table. Tenay questions the wisdom of bring a table out against the Wall. Stomp by Vito. Table set up...Vito over with a right hand, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, uranage by Wall. Wall goes outside for a table - apparently, he missed seeing the one RIGHT BEHIND HIM in the ring. Wall sets up THIS table outside the ring. Wall back in the ring...choke for Vito, who has a kendo stick - whack. Right hand by Vito, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big boot by Wall. Wall points to the table on the outside. Wall likes Danzig! Wall to the second rope with the sign of the choke - bad idea. Nutshot by Vito - picking him up and dropping him in a running powerbomb through the table in the ring. 1, 2, 3. (6:29) Hey, I wonder if Wall will get some revenge with that table outside the ring...nope! Vito brains him with the title belt...and walks off. Where's Dave Finlay? Goldberg is WALKING! After berating his security. Tony: "...and he's coming...*TO THE RING!!!!*" Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Bill Goldberg did Many Things And now, COLD BEER joins us for a few words. The pyro and TV-PG-DLV ratings box come up...and Goldberg walks right through it. Guess he didn't want his shirt or jeans to catch on fire? "You know what? I know you're not here tonight, Nash. But through the years of your successful career, I can imagine you can afford a VCR. So you take what I'm hearin' - what I'm saying tonight, and you run it over and over again, and you see if you can figure out how serious I am! I never liked you, Nash. Your games...your manipulation...and your cocky-ass attitude. But the fact is...there's only one person on this planet that I despise more than you - only one! Ever since his first day at WCW, Scott Hall has been nothing but a cancer. On the twenty-third of December - Salisbury, Maryland - it took every ounce of professionalism that I had not to leave Scott Hall layin' in his own pool of blood...and for that professionalism, what did I get? One hundred and ninety-six stitches! I got to sit home for five months, and watch you monkey boys play your little game, manipulatin' one person after another. Well, when and if you come back to WCW, Scott Hall, I have appointed myself your personal judge, jury and executioner. Since I got to WCW, I've tried to do nothing but kill people with kindness - now, I just want to kill people! And just so happen to be the first man on my chopping block. So July the ninth...Bash at the Beach...fear this!" Backstage, Candido and Bigelow chat - Douglas walks in and relates the story of how he manipulated the Cat into booking the handicap match. He asks them to leave just a morsel of Buff Daddy Bagwell for him at the Bash. Promotional consideration paid for by America (ha!) Online, Judge Wapner's cash scam, Slim Jim (no Savage), Motel 6 7/8, and Online (ah!) America Outside, Goldberg steps into his black limousine...and it drives away. Wow, this is almost as exciting as people WALKING! As it leaves, a white Expedition pulls up (with Wyoming plates?) and - go figure - Nash and Steiner exit, along with Midajah. We look behind them to see that the limo hasn't COMPLETELY pulled out yet...Goldberg rolls down his window, peers out...and smiles...then the window rolls up... The Castrol GTX replay is of Franchise turning on Bagwell a week ago on Nitro. THIS week on Nitro, Bagwell scored the pinfall on Bigelow in a 6-man...only to go down at the hands of Franchise. BUFF DADDY BAGWELL v. CHRIS CANDIDO & TRIPPA B in a Handicap match - Bagwell makes his usual point to the pyro - and it doesn't go off. Oh, there it goes. We cut to the production truck where Stasiak & Palumbo are yukking it up. Damn, I'd COMPLETELY forgotten they were there. Yeah, there's still a lot of Tammy in Candido's entrance video. Is Candido gonna wrestle in that cast? Apparently so - he's starting this match. Lockup, knee by Candido, cast shot, cast shot, quick suplex, into the ropes, cast clothesline ducked, Bagwell with a dropkick, dropkick, gutshot, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker - Bigelow in - HE gets a gutshot and a swinging neckbreaker - the ring clears so Buff can pose. After a regrouping, they're back to the apron. Candido wants the tag...and gets it. Lockup, to the corne, right, right, right - Bagwell reverses it, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, Bagwell runs out with a lariat. Dropped headbutt, another headbutt. Bigelo wearing one of the infamous "the Night the Rules Changed" Nitro shirts - is there a subtle message THERE? Bigelow mocking Buff's prancing - that's mighty funny! Bagwell manages a leg sweep with his arm. Off the ropes...but Candido puts a knee in the back. Bigelow with a Samoan Drop! 1, 2, shoulder up! Must have been the arrogance in the cover. Tag to Candido - who promptly applies the headlock. HUGE "Bam Bam Sux" chant - and it isn't even muted! Wow! Bagwell getting to his feet, elbow, elbow, cast shot across the back by Candido, another elbow, standing on the neck. Blatant choke. Gutshot for Bagwell, tag, do si do whip of Candido, running avalanche by Bigelow. Bigelow throws him down to the mat. Stereo headbutts coming up? Nope - he rolls away. Too bad, I was all ready to proclaim this the GREATEST SHOW EVER, too. As it turns out, I have a feeling Bagwell's house is ready to catch fire, right for him, right for him, clothesline for him, clothesline for him, clothesline for him, Ten Punch Count Along for him - stopped at seven as Candido picks him up - and they drop him on the top rope. Candido whips Bigelow into a big boot. Bagwell on the second rope - Bigelow ducks the Blockbuster, but not Candido! 1, 2, Bigelow breaks it up! Off the ropes, Bagwell ducks the clothesline, double underhook DDT - 1, 2, Candido splashes...his partner, as Bagwell gets out of the way. Clothesline takes down Candido. Gutshot for Bigelow - off the ropes - swinging DDT - pinwheel strut - going to the second rope for another Blockbuster, but THE FRANCHISE is out with a lead pipe. Commentators wonder aloud what happened to the no interference rule. At this point, something terribly interesting happens, but we only get to see crowd shots instead. Bigelow has him up on his shoulder - there's the WORST Greetings from Asbury Park you've ever seen - 1, 2, 3. (6:02) The sign of the Triple Threat is displayed all around. Backstage, Daffney - ARRIVES! David Flair is there to greet her with a hug - she hauls off and slaps him. Hey, she said "hooch!" Wahoo! Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Blaise Alexander displays a couple of sunburned crew members. At the Myrtle Beach 250, the crew busted ass, but ended up losing 30 laps on a repair job. Still, he got those all-important points! Or something. This weekend, the car dons the Vampiro paint scheme - look for the car to JOB. David Flair catches up to Daffney - he wants to know what's wrong! "I saw you on Monday night with Miss Peacock!" Flair tries "that was two weeks ago," "that was Jeff Jarrett," "that was Major Stash," and "that was that new production guy." Flair says he was POSITIVE it wasn't him - SHE'S the only girl that he loves. She actually buys this. We can all learn from this man. Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where GI Bro gave a Harlem sidekick to Kanyon - then removed his camoflauge pants to reveal that he's Booker T "POSITIVELY" KANYON hits the ring in full-on DDP mode. "I've come here tonight to teach all you people how to be POSITIVE. And I'm gonna do it by reading an entire chapter from my new book Positively Kanyon. Soon to be made into an audio book, narrated by Ernest Borgnine...and a major motion picture starring Harvey Keitel. Shaaaaaduuuup! 'Chapter 3: Morons, Idiots and Buffoons. Page called me again today. I let him go on about 45 minutes on the answering machine before I pick up the phone. He told me - he told me he was sick and tired of dealin' with Booker T, who he called "Buffoon T." "Bro - bro - bro bro bro," he said. That was pretty much all Page said through the entire conversation, but I knew exactly what he meant. Page and I'--I have a lot to read here tonight - if you don't shut up, I'm gonna close the book and leave! 'Page was tellin' me that Buffoon T was stabbing him in the back. Buffoon was doing everything he could to undermine Page - and Hogan, and Sting, and Ric Flair. Page then said "Bro - bro." I couldn't believe my ears! Nash and Hall too? What kind of person was Booker T that he would stab all his best friends in the back? What kind of worm was Booker T that he wouldn't meet them face-to-face and work out the problems he had? After all, isn't that what a *real* man would do? Then I realised--" the music - some FAMILIAR music fires up, and it's undoubtedly BOOKA T. I guess he finally settled with J. Biggs, yuk yuk yuk. T hits the ring as Kanyon starts to beg off. Kanyon rushes him, T ducks, right, right, right, discus right, backed to the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp uhhhhhhh! Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, T pops out with a lariat. Kanyon rakes the face to gain control. Head to the buckle. Right, head to the opposite buckle, whip into the first buckle, following up with a run into a big boot. T ready with a Harlem sidekick - but Kanyon ducks it - then pastes him with the book! T *staying* down. Kanyon picks up the mic. "Where was I? 'Then I realised...we were talking about Booker T - the lowlife moron who wouldn't know he was walking into a trap if you told him!'" And he pulls away some pages to reveal a brick in the book. "Have merrrrrcyyyyyy!" Damn. Kanyon gives himself a self high-five. Outside the building, David and Daffney walk off. He puts her in the car...then says he's forgotten something and he'll be right with her. We cut to the production truck, where an irate Flair asks who played the footage. The tag team champions stooge out Woody Kearce. Flair shaves a big bald spot into his head - NOW he'll think about what he's done. Back to the car - David is back out, cool as a cucumber. They drive off. Promotional consideration paid for by Fran Tarkenton's 1-800-BAR-NONE, Winky the Crow's Corn Nuts, some punk duck's Bubble Yum, some corny dude's America (ha! #3) Online, some other cash scam NOT featuring Judge Wapner, and Motel 6 7/8 - again Franchise comes into Cat's office to thank him - Cat looks glum. "You just put my back against the wall - my hands are tied, man!" Cat says he broke the "no interference" rule. Cat: "I got to fire you, man." Cat sends Franchise home "...but wait a minute. I tell you what, if you can earn some ratings, some big ratings..." Cat books Franchise with Kronic. "You're outta job if you don't go out there and do a job!" Meanwhile, at the production truck, the champions laugh at Woody's new haircut - hmm, he seems to have a bit MORE hair shorn off. "I'm just trying to do my job. That's enough of that - I don't need this! I don't need it!" Looking outside the truck, we see the angry Woody climb down the stairs of the Turner Broadcasting truck. "I'll show them!" Then he locks them in the truck. Meanwhile, in the ring, 3 COUNT is out to debut their new hit single, "Sing Along with 3 Count." To say it's awful would be a disservice to the awful music out there. We cut to a locker room, where the boys watch on a monitor - and make PU pantomimes. Cut to another locker room - same mix of amusement and disgust Cut to another monitor - Tank Abbott is smiling and dancing, and Jim Neidhart-ing his beard. I shit you not. Back to the ring Back to Tank - he's bobbin' up and down Back to the ring - finally KRONIC come out to put a stop to this. Karagias tries a springboard forearm and slips, nearly breaking his ankle in the process. The ring is quickly emptied of Helms and Moore and while they work on Karagias We cut back to Tank. "HEY! What's that all about? Who do those guys think they are?" Back to the ring and some more damage. Moore eats a Meltdown. Helms takes Uncle Slam. That'll probably leave Karagias for High Time. See ya. Kronic made instant faces by virtue of this beating of 3 Count. Adams takes the mic. "Hey Franchise! It's way past 4:20 and it's time for you to pay the pipers. So bring your butt on down here, and we'll show you what it's like to get smoked by Kronic!" Then he says that smoking weed is really great, and hemp is vital to the national interest, so legalise it, and put some ganja in your brownies, mon. KRONYKK v. FRANCHISE - Franchise has some saucer eyes as he emerges from behind the curtain. He doesn't want to enter the ring - and decides he's better off just turning tail and taking his unemployment. As he backs up the ramp...BUFF DADDY BAGWELL appears behind him. Classic "dramatic" look as Franchise slowly turns around to see who he's bumped into - Bagwell runs Franchise into the ring for his beatin'. Say...would that count as "outside interference?" We are told this is actually a three-way dance - only, two of the three guys have no interest in fighting each other. I sense possible dissension as Franchise reverses a whip, causing Adams to take the second-rope forearm from Clarke. Franchise tells Adams he did it on purpose - shove - shove back - Franchise turns his back and they both go ahead and deck him. High Time coming up. Adams covers - 1, 2, 3. (2:11) Kronic's music starts - then we get the "record needle" sound effect and Booker T's "Beaver Cleavage" starts up in its place. On the ThunderVision, we see Palumbo & Stasiak yukking it up. Noticing that Kronic have seen them and are coming, they get up to walk out...only to find the door locked from the outside. Oh no! Maybe some of those production people next to them can help...oh, we probably weren't supposed to see them. So, tell me: are these guys SO addle-brained that they can't be bothered to unlock a door? Don't tell me they CAN'T! I know I'm supposed to let this go because Russo probably didn't write it, right? Naaah. Nuts to THAT. Close captioning where available brought to you by Meineke! Have you noticed that they have that "limited time offer" EVERY week? Outside the building, Woody Kearce leads Kronic to the door of the truck - apparently the ONLY door, I might add - the door is unlocked and Kronic pull out Perfect Event and give 'em a whuppin'. Meanwhile, the unblinking eye of the WCW cameras have caught up to the hearse, pulling up...somewhere. Dale Torborg reiterates the "if you've hurt her line," Vampiro points to a coffin in a nearby grave. "Get out of my way, you fruit!" Geez, *that's* a little insensitive. Torborg opens the coffin to find it empty. Vampiro breaks a shovel over his back. "I can't believe you trusted me!" Cut to our crestfallen commentators. "First he took Sting to hell - now he's taking Dale Torborg there! Back to the - wherever they are. Vampiro leads a cuffed Asya to Torborg's corpse. "When he wakes up, tell him and his pal I'll be waitin' for 'em." Asya calls for help - about three octaves too low...oops, sorry. Jeff Jarrett and Awesome Mike Awesome are WALKING! Meanwhile, Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner are WALKING! Well, after Steiner's done messing with Midajah Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Scott Steiner put the Recliner on Special Referee Awesome - then took a gee-tar to the noodle to get pinned. Amazingly, Jarrett did NOT win the United States Heavyweight title JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET and "KILLED CAREER" AWESOME MULLET v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Midajah) and KEVIN NASH - before the second team starts to come out, the NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL comes out and takes fourth headset. Cat and Heenan have some fair-to-middlin' yukkin' it up lines but they're not worth my typing for you. Jarrett and Steiner start - lockup, to the corner, referee "Blind" Charles Robinson forces the break and while he's between them Jarrett sneaks in a right. Shoulder into the buckle - right, right. Whip - Steiner holds onto it and pulls Jarret into a knee, shoves him back to the corner, kick, kick, kick, right misses by a mile, right, forearm - I'm mesmerized by a guy in the crowd putting another guy in the Torture Rack until they switch camera shots. Steiner with a chop. Into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam. Kiss that elbowdrop! Steiner does pushups while saying "come on, champ!" Tag to Nash - elbow to the ribs, elbow to the head, elbow to the BACK of the head, into the opposite corner, Jarrett goes up and lands on Nash's shoulder - but he breaks free and shoves Nash hard into the turnbuckle. Climbs him and punches away. Uppercut. On the second rope - but he lands in a choke...and chokeslam. 1, 2, no. Nash stands on the neck in the corner. Awesome finally comes over and pounds on him. Jarrett over to tag him in - big clothesline. Off the ropes with an Awesome splash - 1, 2, no. Right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Nash follows with a clothesline. Forearm. Tag to Steiner, kick, head to the buckle, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Jarrett puts a knee in the back and Steiner staggers just enough to fall into a right, right and big ol' hot shot from Awesome. Stomp. Pickup - and dropdown with a spinebuster. Awesome flips over into a cover - 2 count. Right, right, right, tag to Jarrett. Stomp, stomp, stomp, choke on the second rope. Jarrett off the ropes but he ends up straddling the rope when Steiner gets away - as he rolls around in pain, Awesome throats Steiner on the top rope. Both men are down and Robinson puts on a count - 5...6...Schiavone FINALLY shows some grey matter by speculating that it's not right to call Awesome "Career Killer" since Kanyon was faking it all along...Jarrett up and tagging Awesome. Into the ropes, double clothesline is ducked - Nash holds onto Awesome by the mullet and pounds on him while Steiner clotheslines Jarrett off the ropes. Nash is in - it's all breaking down now. Blockbuster suplex for Awesome. Nash pulled out by Awesome while, in the ring, Steiner presses and drops Jarrett Awesome puts Nash's head on the STEEL steps and stays on him - too bad he's not watching the action in the ring, as Steiner hits the double underhook powerbomb and folds him up for the fall. (4:53) Steiner decides to give Jarrett the Steiner Recliner post-match - this draws Cat into the ring, who threatens him with a superkick to break it up...Nash hits the ring and gives Cat a clothesline. Awesome takes advantage of this distraction to get in a cheap shot on Nash - then takes the US title and waylays Steiner. Jarrett slinks out of the ring while Awesome suplexes Steiner with a released German suplex. Into the ropes, Steiner puts a boot up - Steiner with a belly-to-belly suplex. Steiner puts Awesome on the top turnbuckle - he's gonna climb up for the Frankensteiner...but now *Jarrett* is back in the ring with a sledge blow to the back. Forearm to the back and Steiner goes down. AWESOME SPLASH! Jarrett stomping on Nash. Tripleteam stomping - Robinson asks for the bell again, and they ring it a few times - much appreciated that they didn't go a MILLION times, guys. Nash makes it back in and cleans house with his big, big boot. Nash is bleeding inside his mouth....and he ain't happy about it. We will apparently be spared Midajah's crossbody. COLD BEER comes out with Scott Hall's contract - wait, didn't he EAT it? He says they'll do this...on HIS time. Nash exits the ring and starts to walk after him... Oops, it's quarter after. Our overtime is up. Bye! Christopher Robin Zimmerman