Stood up by 'Jersey Shore' star The Situation

Last Thursday, our own Niall O'Dowd gave me a very serious journalistic assignment. He'd heard that the Jersey Shore's reigning king, "The Situation," was making his first New York appearance at McFadden's, and Niall wanted me to go and cover the story. "No, seriously," he said, "You write very well about lowbrow culture."

Gee, thanks, Niall.

I tried to explain that open bar parties often advertise an all-star headliner to draw crowds, but I'd never heard of them actually showing up. Nevertheless, for the sake of commitment to my craft (and trying vehemently to channel Nellie Bly), I braved Snowpocalypse '10 and went.

Believe it or not, I've only watched a few episodes of the MTV hit: I'm half Italian and from South Jersey, so it hit a little close to home for my taste. But being a general reality show fan, I see the appeal. We all like to get cozy in our pajamas with a pint of ice cream and watch the shitshow unfold.

This was kind of like that, but without the sofa, the pajamas, the ice cream or the ever-important fourth wall. Guys in popped collars and awful ties, bright orange half-naked girls falling all over themselves, dixie-cup jello shots. I'm not judging: I understand the we're-young-we're-cute-let's-have-fun agenda. Unfortunately, no one there was young or cute so much as they were epically wasted.

Bartenders were dancing on the bar. Then girls were dancing on the bar. Then dudes were dancing on the bar. Then dudes were dancing on the bar and unbuttoning their shirts like some cheap retro Chippendale's theme party. Then the DJ announced "Dave the Situation," who, while indeed washboardtastic, was hardly...erm...famous.

So I decided to "bounce like a coin off The Situation's abs," to quote my friend Justin who valiantly accompanied me on this adventure.

Well, he may be a flake, but at least The Situation's Italian. In further research, I've learned that the show's stars Snooki and J-WOWW are, respectively, Chilean and...wait for it....Spanish/Irish.

Maybe this explains why some unnamed members of the IrishCentral team have been calling me K-WOWW for the last month.