The Unofficial Guide to Flying After the Underwear Bomb

Click to viewThe TSA hasn't explained jack. But we found this audio of a pilot explaining the new in-flight security arrangements. Based on that, and what else we know, here's an unofficial guide to travel in the age of the underwear bomb.

Duh: Get To the Airport Early

No one knows what the hell is going on. Some places are reporting that British Airways became the first airline to impose a one carry on bag only rule, to help make the other thing we heard rumors of—mandatory bag searches and secondary pat downs for every passenger flying internationally into the US—go quicker. No word if they're talking about the "personal item" that goes along with the already standard "one bag", but it's safer to assume so. Otherwise, why would they restate the restriction? BA says they'll waive the check in fee, so that's good news. The bad news is that at any time, any other airline can decide to pick up and follow suit, so be prepared to check in a carry on bag (I.E. don't carry on fragile stuff that you can't shove all into one bag.)

Oh! More confirmation just this second from Kotaku's chief, Brian Crecente who is flying back from Australia right this moment with some very whiny kids (not his) a few rows away:

We had a second screening at the gate. Hands on thorough check of every bag. Also asked me to open my laptops, but not to turn it on. Then did a metal detector sweep of everyone and very quick pat down. Male security guards for men, women for women.

His captain said that there would be some security procedures they'd have to follow that "won't hurt" but are "slightly unusual."

Will They Search Your Underwear or Crotch For Air Safety?

No word on crotch pat downs, yet. UPDATE: It appears that the pat downs focus on the "torso" and "upper legs". Upper legs not quite the crotch. I'm torn. I'm happy to retain my security screening virginity, but Hhow will they find the rest of the underwear bombs without going all the way?

The Unofficial Guide to Flying After the Underwear Bomb

Be Ready For Anything, Especially Surprises

We have heard that only international flights entering the US are going to be going through these pains. But we've seen other data to the contrary, and again, we don't have official word about which flights will enforce these rules, except that we should expect randomness, especially in domestic flights (emphasis added):


However, readers are coming in with evidence that even domestic flights are being restricted somehow.

And from a Gynranger, who flew domestically:


Again, be ready for hell.

The Important Stuff: Gadgets

It sounds, as if we'll be ok between take off and landing, with gadgets. British Airways is letting people bring electronics on the plane. Some flights are letting people use gadgets up until the last hour, some the last thirty minutes. But as said in this Jetblue audio recording, there will be no in flight entertainment system; "no movies, no tv, no xm radio, the system is required by federal government to be shut down." But it sounds like most flights are allowing gadgets, and all the variation in restriction is happening at landing.

Where You Are is a Secret. Like the Apple Tablet. So Not Really a Secret.

The government, according to some of our readers, have requested the in flight maps be turned off, too, to, I presume, eliminate the risk of geo precise bombings near the end of the flight? Then again, the flight attendants warning you to not get up the last hour of flight and landing gear dropping are sure signs of landing, so WTF.

It's Always Gonna Be Sweater-Weather

You're not allowed to have anything genuinely useful on your lap in the final hour of flight—the sterile period—and that rule includes blankets and the like. This makes attempting to snooze through the remaining portion of the trip chilly and awkward, particularly since pillows are banned as well, so it might be wise to at least dress warm enough to maintain some semblance of comfort.

Bring a Book or Prepare to Die of Boredom

Bring a book. Not a Kindle, not a Nook, not any other sort of ebook reader, but a plain ol' low-tech book. Because apparently books are pretty much the only thing you can have in your hands during the final hour of your flight ("the government says ok") and how the hell else will you keep from falling into a cold and uncomfortable slumber?

Here, more inconsistency appears, with some readers saying no books on landing either.

From Arturo:


But it is unclear if the books were being restricted because the flyers didn't already have them in hand, or if they were in bags. Again: Confusing!

Update: Arturo wrote in to explain that he already had the book in hand at the time of the announcement:

I already had the book in my hands when they made the announcement. I never accessed my carry-on. They made us put our reading material away anyhow. This included magazines and anything else that we brought on board. Strangely enough, they didn't seem to mind passengers accessing their wallets when beverage service came through the cabin.

Even more confusing!

Tinkle Before the "Sterile Period" Starts

As if having to abandon your personal items during the last hour of the flight isn't enough, you're not allowed to get up to use the restroom during that time. The captain in the audio recording referred to the Since I doubt that your flight attendants would appreciate seeing you break out a bedpan, just plain head to the lavatory before the seat belt sign hits and a line forms.

Then again, some readers are reporting that on their flights, they saw plenty of standing up and walking around going on after the mandatory buckle up:


Again: Madness!

More News Soon, Says Pilot

We've been keeping an eye on what's happening in the news regarding flight security measures and gadget-centric regulations, but based on the pilot's announcement, it sounds like some "more news" will hit the wires "tomorrow". No idea if this recording happened yesterday or today, but we'll find out come Monday. I mean, the TSA has to say something, right? I mean, other than "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" with their actions.

What Now?

That's what we've learned from that almost chilling recording. Of course, whether any of that will actually improve actual security is questionable. One thing is certain: All these procedures have raised my personal terror status to the sunset hue of orange-red. [Thanks, Jake Lodwick]

Special Addendum: If I am a Head of State or Roll Deep With Heads of State, Do I Have To Put Up With This Shit?

Answer: No! (See the TSA's Security Directive.)
Previously: The New, Terrifying No-Electronics US Flight Rules, Underwear Bomb: The New, Stained, Patted-Down Crotch of Terror, Electronics May Still Be OK for Some US Flights.

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