Ye Booke of Microsoft


1 And there came two customers to Microsoft at even; and Ballmer sat in the gate of Redmond: and Ballmer seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; 2 and he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into my house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in your offices all night. 3 And he pressed upon them greatly; for he did warn them that the offices of Redmond were places of ill repute; where salesmen did quaff the neat vodka and did have sex in the loos. He made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat. 4 But before they lay down, the staff of the company, even the men and women of Redmond , compassed the house of Ballmer, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: 5 and they called unto Ballmer, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may party with them and, after their livers are but pickled onions we shall sell them Windows Mobile Solutions. 6 And Ballmer went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him, 7 and said, I pray you, staff, do not so wickedly. 8 And they said, Stand back. For we have our quotas to meet and you need the sales. For many cannot live by Office and Xbox alone. 9 . And they pressed sore upon the man, even Ballmer , and came near to break the door. 10 But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Ballmer into the house to them, and shut to the door. 11 And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door. Although that might have been the effect of the wine of the potato that one of the Irish salesmen had brought. 12 ¶ The Angels did spaketh and say unto Ballmer, Hast though any staff you would have taken to a place of safety, such as a reliable starteth-up? 13 for we will destroy Microsoft, because the cry of them is a WHORE of BABYLON and has sinned great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it. 14 But Ballmer refused to leave. He said unto the Angels. I will take thy advice and consider it. But many are those who have claimed that Redmond shall fall and yet it hath not happened. I will create a new operating system and a new Office and all will be well. 15 ¶ And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Ballmer, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of Redmond. But he listened not and went off to have a drink with his sales team. 16 ¶ Then the LORD rained upon Redmond brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; 17 and he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground. 18 Mighty were the writs of sexual discrimination that fell upon Redmond and Ballmer was transformed into a pillar of sweat. 19 And Jobs gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD: 20 and he looked toward Redmond and toward all the land of the Seattle plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace. 21 And Jobs did spake and say “Why didst Microsoft blow it? It had everything but it lost it all in an alcoholic sex binge. Why did they not follow the way of Apple and chase not after the soft skirt and the eating of salads?” 22 And the LORD spake unto Jobs and said: “I have smote the wrong company. Who will I go drinking with on Friday night now? Is it not written that it is better that a company be a den of iniquity than a self righteous bunch of smug prigs?” 23 And Jobs did say: “Not in my Bible. It sayth Blessed are the Smug for they shall inherit the Earth.” 24. “Bugger,” Spaketh God. “I should have inspired the word of God a bit better.”

Ye Book of Microsoft