Get Glamour In Your Inbox!


Get Glamour in Your Inbox!



August 1, 2008

1. I've tried to gently show and tell him exactly what makes me feel good in bed, but he's so not catching on. I'm running out of ideas--not to mention hope.

Kudos for trying! "The biggest mistake women make is that they don't say anything and just kind of bear the bad sex," says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., a New York City ob-gyn and author of Pleasure: A Woman's Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need, and Deserve. Subtle cues may not be enough, so place your paw on his to show him the way--softer, faster, higher, in circles, whatever. Make your wishes clear verbally, too, when you're in the heat of the moment. "Say, 'I like it best when we kiss without a lot of tongue. It feels really sexy to me,' or, 'I think I could have an even better orgasm if you move your hips more slowly when you're on top,'" suggests Dr. Hutcherson. There's nothing wrong with MapQuesting a route for the man who has lost his way.

2. The guy I'm living with wants to film us having sex. It sounds like fun, but I don't want to end up on YouTube!

The good news: Even if your naughty video did hit the Web, chances are not many people would notice. "Who wants to see regular couples going at it when professional pornos and naked celebs are online for free?" says Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think. That said, he warns, "your guy might not show the movie to the world, but he may want to show all his friends--and no one wants that." So if you go ahead with this, "the video stays in your hands and your hands only," Dr. Hutcherson advises. "This isn't a trust test for a boyfriend. I wouldn't give a tape like this to a husband!"

3. I think my boyfriend's gay! I'm dying for an acid test here.

"Focus on what's off about the relationship," says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., a sex educator at the Kinsey Institute in Bloomington, Indiana. Is he secretive or not into sex? Ask open-ended questions about it. That's the tack Anna, 41, once took with an ex. "One lazy Sunday, I asked if he'd had any experiences with men," she says. "I made it clear I was open-minded. He said no--and it's true, he couldn't be more married with kids now!" A sneakier route: "Check out who he's checking out," says Todd, 40, who was engaged before he came out. "My fiancee would catch me cruising guys, but I'd say I was noticing their jacket or shirt." Listen to your gut, says Colorado relationship therapist David Schnarch, Ph.D. "Stop being afraid of what you may hear." Can you just...ask him? "It's a last resort," says Herbenick. But if you're about to commit, it's worth the risk of awkwardness.

4. In my dating life, sex ruins everything! What am I doing wrong?

"I feel like a grandma saying, 'Hold off, honey!' but maybe you should, at least until you're dating exclusively," says Dana B. Myers, co-owner (with her husband) of the chic online pleasure shop Booty Parlor. Dr. Hutcherson agrees: "You've got to try something different--or you'll keep getting the same results." The no-nookie rule seems to be working for 32-year-old Yvonne. "I've always tried to be a cool, modern woman who never hesitated to have sex on the first or second date if I felt like it," she says. "But every time I did that, the guy never called me back. When I started telling men not to count on seeing my bedroom anytime soon, I felt much more in control. Occasionally after a few dates, I'd realize I didn't like the guy enough to ever have sex--and then I was the one to end things."

5. He says he loves my body, but he offered to buy me breast implants. WTF?

Sometimes you just have to shake your head and admit: "Guys can say such dumb things," says Myers. If you're perfectly content with your breasts, tell him! Try: "I like the boobs I've got, so you need to love 'em too or find a girl who's more your bra type." As Dr. Hutcherson says, "A man should value your body as much as you do."

6. I'm attracted to a friend's fiancé --and I feel like an awful person.

Don't tell her--but do try to figure out why you're attracted. "You and she probably have a lot in common, so it's natural to like the same type of men," says Seattle psychologist Les Parrott, Ph.D. Or perhaps you're lusting after someone you can't have because it's less scary than focusing on a guy you could have. In any case, accept the nonsinister nature of your crush, but set ground rules: no texting him, no spending time alone with him. Don't let yourself fuel this attraction.

7. We've been dating for three years. I'm (really) ready for a ring; my boyfriend's (really) not. But I don't want to push him on this--I want him to want to propose!

Believe it or not, some experts--and real guys--actually endorse ultimatums, though not the harsh, ticking-clock variety. Here's the guy's view: "When my live-in girlfriend said that she was hoping to have a baby by 35, I thought, We have years!" says newly engaged John, 30. "But then she laid it all out: She was 31, it takes almost a year to cook a baby, and if we wanted a yearlong engagement and a year of child-free marriage, we'd need to get engaged when she was 32. I'd never thought of it like that. Her timeline wasn't the reason I proposed, but it might've moved me along." Telling your partner your goals--for your life and the relationship--is rational, not desperate, says Parrott. "You're saying what you need so he can hopefully get on board." Reached the "Marry me or I'm outta here" point? "Say, 'I have to figure out what's going on with my life,'" says Parrott. Then give him a definite time frame. If he doesn't come through, you may need to go. It could be his best wake-up call.

8. He's smart, cute, funny--and his wiener's the size of a cocktail frank. It's a turnoff. Is that shallow?

Kind of--you are equating a man's most precious part with an appetizer. Besides, "it's not all about the penis," says Dr. Hutcherson. "Women's most sensitive part is the clitoris, and you don't need much penis to hit it. Try straightening your legs in the missionary position to get more clitoral pressure.

9. I don't like giving oral sex, but he does (and he's good!). I want to return the favor, so I'm hoping there's a secret trick to liking it more.

You're not alone if the act feels more like work than play. "I hear women complain about the gag issue a lot," says Myers. "I tell them to use their hands to control how much they're taking into their mouths." Santagati seconds that motion: "That stuff you see in porn of women taking the whole thing in? Unnecessary. We appreciate it just as much when you use a hand to do half the work." If it's germs that skeeve you, why not take a shower together before sex?

10. Love the sex, not the relationship. But I feel like that's a bad reason to keep dating him.

Well, it'd be the wrong reason to marry the guy, but to see him? Nah. You just owe it to him to be honest about it. "Men have been doing this kind of thing forever," says Dr. Hutcherson. "I don't see any problem with a grounded woman having a sex-only fling. But I have two words of important advice: safe sex!

Photos: Photo: Chris Craymer

Get Glamour In Your Inbox!


Get Glamour in Your Inbox!
