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And THIS Is Why I Love: Jersey Shore: Don't Anger The DJ

The Jersey kids are still in Miami, and we’re beginning where we last left off—SloppyRon dancing with sloppy girls and Angelina walking around with a pissy look on her face. The boys and Angelina arrive home, she disappears, and the guys sit around—Sitch folding his clothes—and SloppyRon swearing he’ll go sleep with Sammi, who is sleeping with her sunglasses on.

Oh, she took them off. He climbs into bed. She asks if he did anything. He says no. So they cuddle and make out and do things under a comforter.

The guys walk around the house saying that SloppyRon is out of control and crazy.

The next day, everyone is sleeping quietly, with Sitch still sipping from a beer probably to ward off a hangover and SloppyRon waking up and not knowing how he got into Sammi’s bed because he was drinking Patron. SloppyRon calls it a Schnooki night. DJ Pauly tells someone on the phone what happened last night and SloppyRon overhears and laughs. DJ renames him IFF but I don’t know what that means because it’s bleeped out so I’m gonna stick with SloppyRon. He asks Pauly if he three-way kissed someone and Pauly says yeah. And that means that SloppyRon totally remembers what he did the night before and wants to brag about it and this is his way of doing so—bringing things up and having other people say he did them so he can say, no way ha ha ha. Dick.

Note to editors: We do not need replay of the sloppy kissing. Repeat: we do NOT need replay.

He tells DJ Pauly that they’re supposed to stop him. What are they now? Girls? DJ Pauly says he tried to stop him but they couldn’t. When Sammi walks in, he asks if they slept in the same bed. She says that SloppyRon was obnoxious and she reminds him that he called her a cunt. Umm, that was before you let him sleep in your bed, so you really can’t be mad about that. She asks if he did him last night and he keeps saying he can’t remember. Which means he totally can. He says he’s never drinking like that again. Which means he totally will. I really don’t understand the secrecy considering the cameras were on him the whole time and she’ll eventually see and hear about it. For a long time to come.

When Sitch and Vinny wake up, they talk about how SloppyRon was out of control. Sammi asks if he was all over girls and they say that he was just really drunk. Really, if she thinks he didn’t hook up, she’s out of her mind.

Everyone leaves while Angelina stays asleep. The boys are in one car, talking about how Angelina is so gonna say something. SloppyRon decides he’s going to tell Sammi what happened. Except for the kissing. Because Angelina is gonna say something. Otherwise, he wouldn’t say anything. Again, does he realize he’s on tv?

Sammi, JWoWW, and Snooki go to a tranny store to get hot club clothes. They can’t tell the tops from the bottoms. JWoWW calls it perfect because it’s her scene. Wow, I forgot how huge her boobs are. Snooki tries out sunglasses that are 395 minus a 2 dollar discount that she can’t see out of. That makes sense.

The boys come home with groceries. Oh no, I hope this doesn’t lead to another who-cooked-who-cleans fight. Angelina comes out to the living room and asks SloppyRon if he had a fun night. She claims she doesn’t remember anything and asks if he and Sammi are okay. She thinks that he should be single and Sammi is too much drama because Angelina is his friend. And wants to get in his pants next. SloppyRon says that when he’s in South Beach, it’s not the right time to have a girlfriend, regardless of his feelings for Sammi, even if he cares about her. Sitch tells them that the meat in the fridge is in a precarious position so they should be careful.

In comes Snooki, looking for pickles, wearing her sunglasses she can’t see out of. Crash bam boom. The chicken falls out of the fridge and Vinny comes to her rescue by picking up the chicken and getting BBQ all over himself and the floor. She thinks it’s not her fault and now she’s pissed and dinner is destroyed. They yell out to Sitch to ask what to do. Snooki goes inside to clean it up and Vinny is instructing her to use a rag instead of paper towels. He’s teaching her to be a woman so she can be his wife one day. She suggests he get a maid.

Sammi sits near the phone and goes through SloppyRon’s phone book and sees Caroline, his ex, listed. That’s really funny. They can’t have cell phones and they obviously don’t know anyone’s number—who does these days—so they all have a phone book and he wrote his ex’s number in his book. She confronts him about it. First he gives her, what? That’s a stall tactic. Then he asks, Why were you going through my phone book? Another stall tactic and a way to change the subject, but also, he’s right. Whether she’s his roommate, friend, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, she really has no right to go through his stuff. She half-yells that she would never do that to him—write down the number of an ex in a phone book. She yells that she’s over it. Then she asks if he talked to her. He says he talked to her two weeks ago. She yells Fuck you.

The boys are turning into real gossips. DJ Pauly and Sitch ask Vinny if SloppyRon put his ex’s number in his phone book. They call him an idiot and DJ says that if you’re gonna do that, Put Joe or something. Vinny points out she shouldn’t be going through it anyway, and DJP says you have to be prepared anyway.

SloppyRon wants to talk to Sammi. She proclaims she’s over it and locks herself in a room to cry.

In the kitchen, DJP doesn’t want to eat the floor-chicken. Vinny tries to convince everyone that the cooking will kill all the germs. SloppyRon says he wouldn’t eat it either. This from the guy who was writhing on the floor and triple-kissing strangers. Then he goes outside to complain about Sammi to JWoWW and confess that he was making out with everything that moved at the club. He says he was gonna tell Sammi but now, no way. Umm, no, he was gonna tell her that he danced with girls. He can’t keep it straight.

And now for my favorite moment of the week. Situation goes to put in an order for pickup. I guess they’re buying dinner now. The guy asks for a name and he says, Situation. The guy is like, no a name. He’s like that’s the name—Situation. And then he is put to task—he must spell his name. He does it well so he must not be drunk yet and the guy on the phone does not like this answer and wants a name. Love it.

Sammi and Snooki discover that they can all see through the door of the bathroom. It’s frosted glass, but yes, you can definitely see through it. Vinny and DJP grab a peek as well.

Angelina gets a billion phone calls. Everyone gets sick of it. That’s not winning her any points to make her life easier in the house. The girls sit in the room, Snooki is drunk and I’m not sure about the rest of them, and then JWoWW tells Snooki that Angelina called her boyfriend a fuckin something that starts with an M. Snooki goes outside to confront Angelina about it and Angelina says, You don’t know me, and Snooki says she doesn’t want to know her.

And so, girl fight number two begins. They are all outside and the guys are loving it, watching. JWoWW, who sounds drunk, accuses Angelina of talking about her friends: J420, Joey Eggs, and some other Long Island people. I am from Long Island. I want a nickname, dammit. Angelina wants to be cool with everyone. JWoWW says she can stay and get her ass beat and even if she doesn’t swing back, JWoWW is going to swing. Angelina will not downgrade herself.

The phone rings and it’s for Angelina. Snooki says that Angelina died and hangs up. Now that? Is funny. The phone rings again. Angelina answers and the guy asks, Angelina died? She’s like, I didn’t die. Smart people we’re dealing with here.

A few minutes later, JWoWW comes out to talk to Sitch, Vinny, and DJP. She says, Ron told me he triple-kissed. They’re like, He told you? They are all idiots. What if she didn’t know and this was her way of finding out? Really, not smart. The guys tell JWoWW that the girls were all nasty and SloppyRon was loving it. Then Sitch asks Vinny if they should tell the girls what SloppyRon said when he came home. Vinny is like, No you can’t say that. Obviously, he has to say it now which is why he asked in front of them. JWoWW figures it out even though she has a vagina and can’t be trusted—I have no idea where that line of thinking came from. They say that Sitch should be called The Instigator instead of Situations.

Sammi feels bad about lashing out at SloppyRon for the phone book incident so she goes to apologize. He tries to dismiss her, playing the victim. He says he called his ex once. His ex told him that he should give Sammi another shot so Sammi should be thankful he called his ex and his downfall is that he loves her so much. So much that he needs to triple-kiss strangers in clubs. He loves her so much that it’s sickening and neither of them knows what to do. He suggests they work on the problems and grow from it but if they can’t grow, then they shouldn’t be together. Then he confesses to what he did the other night! No, no he doesn’t. Instead, he makes a Saved By The Bell reference, which kind of makes me like him a little.

The kids show up at a gelato shop. This is where they’re gonna work. The boss fears that DJP’s hair will fall off into the gelato and wonders how Snooki will see out of her sunglasses. He shows them how to scoop ice cream. Training over—they start the next day.

SloppyRon decides to get a tattoo in the most painful place—on the side of his stomach—because he needs to feel pain. This guy’s got problems. Sammi goes with him in case he needs someone there for him. Because she’s a sucker. They hold hands, which takes his mind off the pain. She whispers that even if they hate each other, she’ll always be there for him. I once said that to an ex boyfriend. You know where he is now? Neither do I. So there’s that.

DJP, Sitch, Angelina, and Vinny go out to eat. She interviews that she’s the girl who’s hanging out with the guys and that’s good because she gets along better with guys for some reason. I know the reason. Guys tolerate her because they don’t really care about her and girls don’t like her because she acts as if she’s better than them. It’s a sad life. Guaranteed, she invited herself to go with them out to eat the same way she (and MTV) invited herself down to Miami. They tell her the girls don’t like her but at least all the problems are being aired out. Thanks, MOTO.

And now for how to waste a lot of time. Before they go out, DJP, Vinny, and Sitch sit on the couches in their tank tops, the shirts before the shirts. Then it’s t-shirt time. That’s when they change into their t-shirts, the shirts before the real shirts. The guys stress about what to wear more than the girls. Seriously.

They all go to a club. Some girls invite Angelina over to their table to have shots. She dances with a blonde chick, and DJP is enjoying it, calls it interesting. Angelina falls off and over a couch. The girl climbs after her.

Sitch makes out with a girl who bites him and is not wearing underwear as seen by her pixilated crotch.

DJP dances with a married girl. Then he kisses her and gets her number. Angelina confronts DJP, asking why he was doing that. He’s like, that’s my business. She says she’s his true friend and she loves him. He walks away and asks Sitch to get Angelina away from him. Then she follows him around, calling him retarded. Because she loves him and is a true friend.

Back at the house, some of the kids turn in because they have work in the morning. Angelina storms into the kitchen, fake crying, and Sitch asks if she’s okay but then ignores her because he doesn’t really care, and he looks for food. Angelina tells DJP that he’s being retarded, again, because he was talking to a girl who was “aka married.” She does not know the meaning of aka.

No, I was wrong and spoke too soon. THIS is my favorite moment this week. DJP interviews: Wasn’t her boyfriend married? YES! YES HE WAS! Oh, DJ Pauly D on the Ones and Twos, I heart you.

DJP says that he’s in Miami to have a good time, not to find a girlfriend. Then he raises his voice a little. Really. He says, Don’t worry about what the fuck I’m doing. She doesn’t want him on her bad side. Sitch tells Angelina to chill and stay out of people’s business. Then she says that she loves Sitch. Then she says she loves DJP and would marry him every day. He tries to end the conversation on good note by saying everyone should do themselves and she should stay out of their business. She insists on continuing the conversation and he tells her that he’s done with it.

She gives him an “Are you serious?” and stands there crying. Sitch comes over to fake console her because she’s fake crying, but then, THEN, she reaches around and slaps DJ Pauly D on the Ones and Twos in the face, whimpering that he doesn’t care. What the????

DJP stands there, leaning against the counter, saying nothing. Good for you, DJP. Even extra points. Instead, Sitch—who I think may have a slight hetero-man-crush on DJP—is like, What are you doing?!?!?! He pleads with her, Please go to bed!

She continues to tell them she loves them and says that DJP is pissing her off and she loves Sitch and Sitch walks into the other room. DJP decides to not talk to her to make her go away. She won’t quit so he says, Don’t talk to me, and goes outside with Sitch.

Then, to no one’s surprise, she continues fake crying and FOLLOWS THEM outside. And here’s where we see the meltdown of DJ Pauly D. His hair remains perfect, but the rest of him has reached the breaking point. She grabs his arm and complains about the two of them, and starts again with her are you serious? Seriously?

And he screams, Are you touching me? Stop touching me! I’m done! Now you’re on your fucking own! You don’t have me. You don’t have Situation. So who do you have? No one!



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