Keys To Communication Between Generations

October 20, 1999|By Marja Mills, Tribune Staff Writer.

In "Another Country" (Riverhead Books, $24.95), Mary Pipher encourages Baby Boomers to cultivate richer ties with their older relatives. A sampling of her suggestions:

- Cut them some slack: "It's easier to forgive a great-grandmother who gives your child sweets before meals if you know something about the Depression. It's easier to forgive a compulsive talker if we remember that 90 percent of her favorite people now rest in the cemetery."

- Remember the person came of age in a different era: "Don't swear or use psychobabble. Don't insist on `feelings' talk, and accept that love is shown rather than spoken."

- Make it easier to talk by doing work together: "Many old people talk more easily while cooking, shelling peas, knitting or fishing. Sorting through and labeling old family photos is a good way to hear many family stories."

- Ask specific questions to learn about the person's life and times: "Where were you when FDR died? What was the first movie you ever saw?"

- Look for humor, even in difficult situations: "Old people generally love to tell and hear jokes. Many a tense situation has been rescued by a good laugh, and many a sad conversation has been redeemed by ending on a funny note."

- Considering calling or writing at regular intervals: "Establishing a routine gives them something they can count on."

- Encourage conversations about how the older person wants to handle issues such as housing and health care if his or her needs change: "That way, the discussions don't happen for the first time around a crisis."

- Consider asking older grandchildren, where appropriate, to talk with grandparents about thorny subjects: "Sometimes grandchildren are the best people to talk to Grandfather about his driving, or to Grandmother about . . . power of attorney."

- Don't try to protect older relatives from all bad news: "People tend to get `protected' out of mainstream adult life. When old people sense what is happening, they feel isolated and suspicious."

- Hard as it is, plan for death: "Planning for death should be like planning for college, something that happens routinely."