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Me First

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For me, 2007 was all about The World. I resolved to make It a better place.

I started volunteering weekly at a family shelter. I wrote checks to nearly every charity that asked (not just the local cops in hopes of getting out of a speeding ticket someday). I started walking to get my car the morning after too many drinks, as opposed to taking a taxi 1.5 miles. I purchased canvas sacks to carry my groceries in (alas, I often failed to recall their existence till I was unloading full, plastic bags into my trunk). I stopped running the water for five minutes - to get it hot enough - before washing my dishes.

Aside from the volunteering, though, none of those actions provided me with any tangible, positive feedback. (Walking while hungover provided lots of tangible, negative feedback.)

For this year, then, I'm going back to basics. 2008 will be all about me.

Rather than resolving to improve The World, I resolve to improve My World. By the Transitive Property, though, this will improve the worlds of people I like and people like me.

My goals are not easily achievable. In fact, the mere thought of attempting to accomplish them strains the boundaries of my brain. But, dammit, I'm worth it.

Here are my eight resolutions for 2008:

1. Invent a fat-free yet tasty BBQ potato chip. My mom retired last week and has pledged to spend the first month of the rest of her life "in pajamas eating potato chips". While such behavior will surely drive my dad mad with desire, it may jeopardize her goal of losing 25 pounds before my brother's wedding in April. If Mama ain't happy, none of The Reidy's will be.

2. Invite Lynne Spears to a day at the San Francisco Zoo. (Technically, this would improve The World, as well.)

3. Bring Molly Sims to my brother's wedding. Purely so my family can revel in her presence. And I think she'll enjoy my 20-minute best man speech.

4. Get Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis to try salad. And sit-ups. It's bad enough that Notre Dame fans have to watch our beloved Irish flail for four hours every Saturday; we shouldn't also have to endure Jabba the Hut in a tight Adidas shirt.

5. Take more naps. Sleep more, harm less. One per day is no longer enough. If I'm asleep, think of all the things I'm not doing: burning light bulbs, driving a car, using the computer, watching TV, microwaving food, cranking the stereo, vacuuming, showering, washing dishes, doing laundry, washing the car (wow, who knew cleanliness was so bad for us?), mowing the lawn, riding on a ski lift.

6. Design user-friendly ski boots. Why does it take ten minutes of contorting, sweating and cursing to put them on? Oh, and I'll make them comfortable, too.

7. Develop a urine test for Human Growth Hormone (HGH). This will spare coddled, multi-millionaire athletes the horrifying invasion of privacy known as a blood test, while helping to clean up professional sports. That is, until somebody comes up with the newest best way to cheat.

8. Fly Molly Sims around country to see Brett Favre, Shaq, Pedro Martinez and Led Zeppelin play in person. These Hall of Famers are all getting old, and she should really catch them once before they hang 'em up for good.

You know what? Looking at that list makes me realize that being selfish can be a good thing. If I can accomplish just one of those resolutions, I will have improved at least two - and potentially millions - of lives!

Wow. I better hurry up and take my second nap so I can get started.

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