Title: If I Can't Love Him

Words: 1347

Characters: KendallXLogan, Carlos, James, Gustavo

Warnings: Character Death, Suicide, Self-harming

Logan sits on the edge of the bathtub holding the razor blade in his right hand and watching some blood flow down his left wrist where he just cut a good few times. Logan doesn't know when he started cutting himself but it must have been around the time his Mom died.

When his Mom died, Logan and his younger sister Lizzy had to move in with their aunt. Logan was 14, Lizzy was 12. Their Dad left when Lizzy was just a baby, she never actually got to know him. Logan never had any friends at school, he was always an outsider and a loner and he was always bullied. He has been bullied since preschool basically and when the same bullies also went to the same Highschool as him, things only got worse. Logan is a great singer but nobody ever really appreciated that and people called him a 'Freak' and 'Fag'.

Now, Logan is 18, living with his three best friends he eventually met in school. When all three of them moved into town and were the new ones, Logan took the risk of introducing himself to them without them knowing he was the one everyone bullied on. Kendall, James and Carlos are second cousins and they all lived with their aunt who never had kids of her own but always took care of her three nephews. The boys' Moms died in a car crash when the boys were only 2 years old.

"Hey Logan." A knock on the bathroom door takes Logan back to reality.

"Are you done soon? We gotta go to rehearsals before Gustavo tries to kill us."

"Yeah, I'm coming, just gimme a sec, please."

"Alright, I'll wait for you."

Logan gets up, puts away the blade and wipes up the few blood drops that got unto the floor. Then he wraps some gauze around his wrist, pulls his sleeve down and walks out of the bathroom. Kendall is waiting impatiently for him in the living room.

"There you are. Ready to go?" Kendall grabs Logan by his wrist causing Logan to yell in pain. Kendall looks at Logan worried. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just hurt my foot", Logan lies and walks out the apartment with Kendall.

Rehearsals went by slowly with a lot of yelling from Gustavo's side making Logan feel even more worthless than he already thinks he is. Gustavo telling him he ''can't dance'' and has ''no talent or swag'' whatsoever. Logan haven't wanted to cut so bad in a couple of months now but right now, this is what he needs the most. When rehearsals are over, all 4 of the boys drive back home and Logan rushes into the bathroom. He locks the door, takes out the blade again and sits down once more on the edge of the bathtub.
"Logan? Are you alright?" Logan cringes and accidentally cuts a bit deeper than usual, as he hears a knock on the door and Kendall's voice calling out to him.
"What?" Logan's voice sounds cracky. "Yeah, I'm okay. I-I just had to p-pee very bad." Another lie today.

Logan lost track of all the lies he told the guys over the past few months although it was mostly the same lie. 'I'm fine.' He never really was and he's not going to be. Not unless he gets any help which he won't so no, he's going to be alright.

Logan cleans up the bathroom again and steps out to see Kendall standing right in front of the bathroom door, eyebrows raised.

"Can we talk?"
"What about?"
Logan wants to protest but Kendall grabs his wrist, causing Logan to let out a groan of pain, and pully him into their shared bedroom, locking the door behind them.

"Logan, you know, I'm your best friend. You can tell me everything."

"Kendall, I know, I just can't tell you."

"You've been miserable for almost 5 months now. Carlos and James may not see it but I do. You can't hide, Logan. Please, just talk to me. Please!"

"There's nothing to talk about", Logan snaps at Kendall.

Kendall looks hurt. "Fine then, be that way. But if you decide you want to talk I'm always here for you, okay?"

Logan nods. "Yeah, thanks."

Kendall hugs Logan really quick and leaves the room again. Logan sits down on his bed and sighs. He knows he should tell Kendall that he is in love with him. But falling in love with your best friend is even worse when you know for sure that your best friend could never love you back. Logan is about to go into the bathroom again, when he hears Kendall's voice and presses his ear at the door.


"What?", James snaps back. Apparently Kendall is interrupting something.

"I think there's something wrong with Logan. Have you noticed any odd behaviour?"

"Well, he spent an awful lot of time in the bathroom, lately", Carlos says.

"Yeah, if he was a girl, I'd say he's pregnant or something." James laughs.

How could he think this was a funny topic to talk about? This is in no way funny.

"James, seriously. There's something up with Logan and...oh.."

"Oh? Oh what? What Kendall?" Carlos sounds excited.

"I-I j-just...I just realized something. I'm such an ass."

Logan hears Kendall walking towards their bedroom door so he gets away and sits down on his bed. Kendall opens the door and walks straight over to Logan to sit next to him.

"Hey, Logie", he says. "Are you sad because I spend too much time with Jo? I know I haven't been the best best friend you could imagine but you still are my best friend. In fact, I'll call Jo right now and tell her that I can't meet her today. What do you wanna do?"

"No", Logan answers. "You didn't do anything wrong, Kendall."

Hearing Kendall talk about Jo always killed Logan just a little bit more inside.

"Ar-Are you sure?" Kendall looks at him, desperately wishing to hear a different answer.

"Yeah, I'm sure. You have fun with Jo."
"O-Okay...But Logie?"


"I love you, as my brother of course." Kendall gets up and walks out of the room leaving a very much distraught Logan behind.

An hour later Kendall finds Logan dead on his bed. His wrists are cut open and a letter is lying next to him. Kendall starts crying and screaming Logan's name. Carlos and Logan come running in.

"What ha...Oh no!" James walks over to Logan's bed fast but even he can see that the smaller brunette boy is dead by suicide.

While Kendall is still screaming Logan's name with Carlos trying to comfort him, James picks up the letter and reads it:
Dear Kendall,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. And I'm especially sorry for not telling you that I love you, with all my heart and soul. I didn't love you just as a best friend or a brother, I really loved you. Every time seeing you with Jo just broke my heart this much more. Please, don't blame yourself for my death. There is nothing you could have done to change my decision.
Nobody ever really liked me except for you guys. My Dad left, my Mom died, my aunt left. Nobody ever thinks I'm good enough at anything. I'm not even good enough at dancing or singing, I'm still the weakest link in our group and I can't let that ruin you. I wanted to quit but I just couldn't.
Knowing now I probably hurt you worse than I ever could but please, you have to try to understand me and that none of this is your fault.
Tell Mama Knight, Katie, Carlos, James and Lizzy that I love them.
Kendall, I am so sorry. I love you.

If I can't love him
Let the world be done with me.

James notices that the last 2 lines are from a song of The Beauty And The Beast.

"I think, this is for you, Kendall", James says holding the letter towards Kendall.

Hey guys, I wrote this one shot for 'Love And Peace Forever's Disney Kogan Challenge.
I know the ending sucks as probably does the whole story but I kinda like it. So please, let me live, okay? ;)