My plan to get rid of Paris Hilton

January 25, 2005|By Jimmy Greenfield.

Good news, fellow Paris Hilton haters. It looks like the object of our objection is about to crack.

I offer to you as evidence two tales of inordinately goofy behavior, one involving the sad porn videotape not-so-cleverly called "One Night in Paris" and the other that is just plain sad.

If you haven't heard, Hilton was at a West Hollywood newsstand last week and was chatting up the store clerk when she noticed a copy of "One Night in Paris."

According to the clerk, Gerry Castro, who from hereon I will call "my hero," Hilton "threw her 80 cents change at me and took the video and said, 'I'm taking this, and I'm not buying it.' "

My hero added: "Nobody steals on my shift."

Hilton could face charges of theft and vandalism--for tearing up a promo poster.

The second case involves a situation in which our poor little rich girl appears to be growing increasingly paranoid.

"I test out friends sometimes," she told "I'll say something that's totally not even true, 'cause I think that they're calling Page Six.

"I'll say something like. 'I was in Paris last week.' And if that story appears, I just freeze them out. I'll never talk to them."

This is the life she leads. Terrified about seeing the porn tape made by an ex and afraid her friends are betraying her.

So this got me thinking. How we can exploit her deepest fears in an effort to make her even loopier and, in a best-case scenario, send her away forever?

What I've done is put together a six-point plan that, if followed exactly as outlined, could stop Paris Hilton forever, or at least until "The Simple Life 4."

1. Copies of "One Night in Paris" for all!

You can watch it if you'd like. From what I hear, it's incredibly dull, even for porn. What I want you to do, though, is just keep the copy with you at all times.

Hilton is terrorizing the country by traveling around for her TV show. This way, if everyone has a copy of the tape, then on any given day she would see the tape, hopefully become enraged and, with any luck at all, commit a felony.

Adieu, Paris.

2. Sic Kathy Griffin on her.

I became endeared to Griffin for life when she spotted Jen Schefft from "The Bachelorette" at the Golden Globes and barked, "What are you doing here?"

The most honest moment in celebrity history. We need to get Griffin to hound Hilton. Fast.

3. Send the Pritzkers after her trust fund. After having to replenish about $1 billion taken from the trust funds of Liesel and Matthew Pritzker, the family that owns the Hyatt hotel chain has to find new prey.

Why not go after the heir to the Hilton hotel chain? It would be nearly as lucrative, and it could expand their empire.

4. Spread rumors.

This is not the way my mother raised me, but in some cases the ends do justify the means. So in the interest of stopping Paris, please spread the following rumor, preferably on the Internet or bathroom walls:

Did you hear about Paris Hilton? She's going to stop clubbing and plans to work with orphans in Malaysia. Also, she read a book last week.

5. Wait her out.

I know it's hard to have patience with somebody who epitomizes the cult of non-celebrity, but we're going to be around longer than she is. When she starts aging, we'll have our fun.

6. Nobody write about her anymore.

Yeah, I get the irony. So we'll just start this whole thing tomorrow.