Would I Lie to You?

Ronaldo Rump laid in his office, crying. Until now, the public had doubts about his intentions of why he made all the money he made dishonestly, but the key factor was now, since Leo the Patriotic Lion blew a hole in his alibi, with the help of the Biker Mice, the public knew Rump was a liar. To him, for the most part, lying was the order of the day and the way of deceiving the people. Rump was found guilty of perjury in a non-trial case for lying to the real judge about how his mother wanted him to go into law, except that there was no money. In many a case, Rump's statement about the Biker Mice and their fugitive ways, made on his television game show "Vigilante Vengeance" was also a lie, since Leo's actions led to the show being cancelled and all those viewers permanently turned to the radio full-time, leaving no time for TV.

Lawrence Limburger was also a notorious liar, especially towards Lord Camembert and Dominic T. Stilton (his rival other than Napoleon Brie). Mostly he lied about his progress when the high chairman questioned him, because he didn't want to suffer the wrath of his higher-upper, which he often did. Though he didn't have to suffer now because Lord Camembert had died in the electric chair in an intergalactic prison just a month ago, he still practiced the art of lying. But by his tone of voice, no one would be fooled. In fact, Grease Pit was probably the most honest of the three, since he was the stupidest. Karbunkle fell in between because he didn't understand the large, fancy language his boss liked to use.

And in the case of the Catatonians, Hairball lied the most just to boost his image. Cataclysm was dead, so he was ruled out, and Dr. Catorkian often told lies out of sarcasm, as part of his villainous brand of humor, or otherwise meant irony in what he was saying. So he wasn't really lying, but joking. An example would be in the scenario where he had Throttle prisoner after Throttle's mind was mangled with in such a way he thought he was part of a Clint Eastwood movie, and that the others were supporting characters in the movie. When Catorkian had him tied to a lab bed, preparing to inject a lethal substance into Throttle's skin, he told a joking lie out of sarcasm first, saying, "This isn't going to hurt a bit." Then he said, "Who am I kidding? This is going to hurt like you won't believe!"

To the Biker Mice, however, honesty was always the best policy. Even before they and their friends teamed up with Leo the Patriotic Lion in his network of contacts as allies to the G-52 organization, they made sure they were always telling the truth in all circumstances. And with Leo by their side, it was now more vital than ever.

On this particular occasion, it was Hairball's turn to feel the blame. Had he been honest, he would've been splitting the reward with Rump. But since he was a double-crossing liar, evident to Rump from the start, he was going to keep the entire reward for himself. Rump sensed this and said to himself, "Well, why bother with that incompetent puppet for a leader? I'll get my own reward for this. First, let's transform this wasteful city park into another water plant."

Rump turned his Regenerator on and aimed for the city park, but the Regenerator sizzled out. "Oh, no!" he exclaimed. "No reward for me! Good thing that loudmouth lion in the golden armor isn't around. I'd never hear the end of it!"

Confused yet? The reward Hairball was going to keep for himself was for his role in capturing the Regenerator and for bringing it to Rump. The reward for this was $50,000 in catfish, since Hairball had absolutely no use for cash. Rump would've kept his share of the reward in cash, but for Hairball, it was catfish.

And here's the story behind the confusion: one day, Rump and Hairball were discussing their latest plan. "I need a new Regenerator," said Rump. "And since Stoker's sent the rechargeable version to Mars, thus sealing it from us forever, all we can do now is take over this puny little planet. Do you suppose, if Stoker's still here, we can place a bounty on him? He is such a troublemaker, you know."

"I'd be happy to," said Hairball, "but this thing you call money is absolutely of no rugged use to me. I prefer fish. It's edible, and it's what we always used for currency, until it was ruled safe to eat it. Day after day of fish after fish, and it never got boring."

"Okay, then; your reward share can be in fish."

"Deal." Hairball left the conference room of Rump Plaza, then said to himself, "Fool! He fell for it! Am I going to teach him a lesson!" He then gathered up his Clawtroopers and paraded down the streets of Leo's hometown of Wildcat City, Kansas (due to him, Rump, and Limburger moving operations there after Chicago proved to be too difficult, but the bad thing was for them that Charley sold the Last Chance Garage to her sister in Chicago so she could open one in Wildcat City, and the Biker Mice have made it their base of operation ever since).

As soon as he was able to find the lost Regenerator prototype Stoker once owned, Hairball grabbed it and brought it back to Rump Plaza. Rump directed him to where the reward for catfish and cash was located, with $50,000 in each category. Hairball grabbed all $50,000 worth of catfish and headed out the door. Rump, anticipating this, dumped the $50,000 in cash (since it was counterfeit anyway so that he wouldn't lose any real money) into the trash and went back to work.

Stoker, as Super Stoker (thanks to a permanent override of body chemistry by the use of green and yellow tetrahydrocarbons over red ones), flew by the Plaza to investigate the cause of the noise. His X-ray vision revealed the Regenerator prototype and Rump's frustration. Then he noticed Rump picking up his telephone and dialing for the U.S. Patent Office.

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "He's got my prototype! Wonder if he's been spying on me again? Well, since it didn't work like he wanted it to, it's obviously out of power. The rechargeable Regenerator is already on Mars, so that's a win for me. Still, I own the copyrights and patents of that, and Rump is probably going to claim it for his own. Better warn the soldiers. They'll know what to do." He flew back to the Last Chance Garage, where the Biker Mice and Charley were waiting for him. "So, what'd you find out?" Vinnie asked.

"Rump's got my prototype Regenerator that's obviously dead since it's out of power, and he's going to lie to the public and authorities and say it's his invention, when, in fact, it's mine. I haven't had time to talk to the U.S. Patent Office about this, but one thing's for certain, if he gets there first, they'll think it's his doing. We've got to stop him!"

"I hear you, bro!" Throttle replied, racing to his bike, donning his helmet, and gunning the engine. "Helmets on, bros! It's time to ROCK…"

"…and RIDE!" everyone shouted, blasting off towards Limburger Plaza. Stoker launched himself skyward again as Rimfire joined up with the Biker Mice on his bike. Leo followed in his Patriotmobile.

Rump, meanwhile, was arguing with the authorities of the U.S. Patent Office. "But I'm telling you, I am the inventor!"

"I want proof!" the authority had been saying. "How do I know for certain this isn't another of your fibs?"

"Oh, come on; what makes you think I would lie to you?"

"Your criminal record that contains your lies to the Chicago judge and the fraud promise on that TV show of yours, that's what!" The authority hung up the phone, slamming it on its hook, then saying to himself, "I am never believing him again, even if he isn't being his old lying self!"

"Why can't anybody get me a patent on that stupid Regenerator?!" Rump exclaimed to himself in anger.

Hearing the remark, Stoker crashed through the glass of Rump Plaza, then snapped, "Because you are not the real inventor; I am!" The Biker Mice followed him in, using the launchers on their bikes, and Vinnie added, "Besides, lard butt, your alibi has a big fat hole in it!"

"If you know what's good for you," Leo called from the ground level with his booming voice that could reach 750,000 without a loudspeaker, "you'll turn yourself in this instant! Not only are the cops sick of arresting you, they, too, hate your lying! You may as well be hailed as the worst liar in the history of history!"

"Aye Chihuahua!" Rump exclaimed. "There's no respect for the rich!"

"You take that back!" Rimfire snapped, proceeding to do a karate chop on Rump's office door, then firing a laser at parts of the office. Apparently, his mission was to vandalize the Plaza in the name of justice while the Biker Mice took Rump off to jail. Stoker, meanwhile, swiped his prototype and flew it back to his lab, located inside the Last Chance Garage.

As the tower came crashing down, Vinnie tail-whipped Rump and transferred him over to the police, with Leo making sure he didn't try anything stupid.

Back at the Last Chance Garage, Stoker had better luck with the U.S. Patent Office, as he was able to get one placed on his Regenerator at last. The group then went out to celebrate with hot dogs and root beer, and Leo made a note in his journal about the event. "Rump won't be trying that lie again," he wrote. "The great general has at last received the trademark recognition he deserves."


Biker Mice From Mars © Rick Ungar, Tom Tataranowicz, Tom Tataranowicz Animation, Brentwood Television Funnies, and whoever else owns the rights

Leo the Patriotic Lion © me