Here`s How They Bought Me Off

August 14, 1989|By Mike Royko.

As part of the old saying goes: You can fool all of the people some of the time. But this time, I couldn`t get away with it. I`ve been found out. Many readers really got my number.

Their sharp-eyed observations can be found in a stack of mail, all having to do with a column I recently did on the subject of Israel.

In that column, I raised the question of why, 40 years after Israel became a tiny nation, tens of millions of Arabs are still determined to destroy it.

I pointed out that Israel has a population of only 4,400,000, covering only 8,000 square miles, which makes it smaller than Vermont. A speck on the world map. For that matter, it`s not more than a speck on that continent`s map. And it has few natural resources, besides smarts and courage.

So why, I asked, does its existence cause such consternation to its huge neighbors, with their vast populations and almost endless land mass? Not to mention all that oil.

Some people thought the column made some reasonable points. The suckers.

But there were those who couldn`t be fooled. They`re wise to my motives for writing that column.

They phrased it in a variety of ways, some unprintable. But their views were best summed up by a Mrs. R. Ainsley, of Oak Park, who wrote:

``No doubt the powerful Jewish Lobby in this country must have paid you handsomely. . . . Israel would take no back seat to Hitler, the Nazis and the Storm Troopers with their atrocities, brutality, deportation of intellectuals and other vicious crimes.

``Enjoy your shekels and 30 pieces of silver.``

Drat. Caught in the act.

Yes, Mrs. Ainsley, that`s what happened, although not precisely the way you put it.

I had been sitting in my office, trying to decide whether to write about the 12th anniversary of Elvis` death or the 20th anniversary of Woodstock, when a thin, dark-bearded stranger walked in.

He said: ``My name is Irv, and I am from the powerful Jewish Lobby.``

Shaking a black bag, he asked: ``How would you like to make a bundle of shekels?``

I thanked him for his consideration, but I told him that I wasn`t interested in acquiring shekels.

He looked surprised and said: ``You don`t want shekels? What do you have against shekels?``

I explained that I have nothing personal against shekels. To me, a buck is a buck and a shekel is a shekel. But the bartenders in the taverns I visit don`t accept shekels. Many of them, not being men of the world, wouldn`t even recognize a shekel. The neighborhood White Hen doesn`t take shekels. Nor does my barber or bookie.

So I politely explained that I was not interested in shekels, although it was nice of him to make the offer.

But out of curiosity, I asked him what he wanted from me in exchange for a bundle of shekels?

He said: ``Obviously, being from the powerful Jewish Lobby, I would like you to write something favorable about Israel.``

I told him that was a rather sticky request, since Israel is currently out of favor with many Americans. Besides the old-fashioned anti-Semites, there are those who believe that Israel-just by existing-is a nuisance to this country.

The logic is that if Israel would go vanish, Iran, Syria, Iraq, Lebanon and the rest of that part of the world would be happy and would stop committing acts of terrorism against us.

``But they attack us,`` he said.

True, but there is the matter of a homeland for Palestinians.

``Jordan was supposed to be their homeland. Look up history.``

Also true. But many Americans like fast, simple solutions. So if you would just let yourself be conquered, that would cool the tensions. Can`t you just be go-along kind of guys?

``We tried being go-along kind of guys for many centuries. It wasn`t good for our health. So let`s do a deal. If not shekels, what`s your price?``

We haggled, and I finally settled for a lunch of corned beef on rye, with a pickle and a potato pancake.

So Mrs. Ainsley was right. They paid me off, but it wasn`t shekels.

But now that I have confessed, what about you, Mrs. Ainsley? When you wrote that letter, were your motives pure? So never mind the shekels. Is it possible that you have a free Persian rug on your living room floor?