Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2007 13:30:11 -0700 (PDT) From: Mark Subject: Facing Faris - chapter 2 Disclaimer : This is a fiction story and is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Sean Faris. Ryan walked down the street slowly. He had decided to walk the short distance to the bakery, mostly because he considered it a travesty to hire a cab for a measly half mile walk, and also because it gave him some time to think. It had been three days since his presentation, which had gone very well. The answer hadn't inspired him - they said they'd let him know within a week. Sadistic bastards. Each day seemed to drag and he found that even the most distracting activities seemed to end up inevitably with him brooding over the interview. He'd analyzed his answers to their questions several hundred times, trying to find reasons they wouldn't want to contract his company, and yet he couldn't find any. But then why the hell were they taking so long? He looked at the baguette he'd purchased and rolled his eyes. Making an event out of going to the bakery was now the low point which he'd reached in trying to distract himself. It was worse though - he couldn't sleep. It was just past six in the morning and here he was on the sidewalk like a fucking lost sheep. He hadn't risen this early in the morning for so many days in a row since high school. Yet he knew it wasn't just the job which pulled at his mind. It was Sean. Something about last week's encounter had been roaring through his mind like a furnace. He was genuinely worried that the encounter would have messed with his presentation, but he'd managed (surprisingly) to push it out of his mind. It had come back with a vengeance, though. He remembered going home emotionally exhausted after the interview, only to collapse on his couch. As he started to watch TV the whole scene crashed down on him like a ton of bricks, and he shot up trying to anxiously dissect the scene and get to the bottom of what plagued Sean. The scene remained with him over the next few days. He hadn't got any closer to resolving his doubts regarding Sean. Was Sean caught in a conundrum over having a gay friend and hating gays? Or was he in love with him but couldn't face it? Or perhaps he wanted to beat the shit out of him, but considered the implications if the media found out. It was all very perplexing. His hopes of seeing Sean again started to fade with each passing day, and he started to relish his encounter with a really good looking and friendly guy rather than get into an insane depressive spiral of what might have been, or any of that other silly crap. Normally he was successful, but once in a while he found his mind regressing and focussing on that beautiful smile he'd seen, those amazing eyes. With a groan of mixed lust and vexation he pushed the image out of his mind, only to have his thoughts shift automatically to his job. After he got home, he started to butter a piece of his baguette, and he put a plum on the plate next to it to console himself that he was at least attempting to be healthy. He sat down at his dining room table, and became uncomfortably aware of the emptiness of his apartment. It was strange how one's dark thoughts seized any weakness to express themselves. He took a bite of his baguette and barely managed to swallow the small piece he'd chewed off. His appetite was absent - there were just too many things bugging him at the moment. "If I know that, then why the fuck did I buy you?!" he said to the baguette angrily. Its silent reply spoke volumes. He made an attempt to eat a piece of plum, but realised that the food didn't make a difference - he didn't want to eat anything. With a terrible curse he threw the plum at high speed out of the window, and listened in horror as a woman screamed a few seconds later. He remained paralyzed to the spot for a few seconds, then a smirk appeared on his face, which slowly spread to a smile. In moments he was laughing, and suddenly he was laughing so hard his stomach started to pain, and he found himself collapsing onto the floor shaking with hysterics. After a few minutes his breathing returned and he wiped the tears away from his eyes, with a few aftershocks still rattling him with a chuckle or two. "What the fuck am I doing?" he said ruefully to himself. It was so ridiculous that he'd allowed those two events to bring him down in flames. For the first time he questioned his coping mechanisms. He really hoped they were sufficient, because if these small things could reduce him to a wreck he didn't know what a real disaster would do. He lay there for a few minutes staring at the white ceiling, which had suddenly become very interesting. With a scoff he climbed to his feet. He decided to make something of his day. He could catch up with some data analysis on his laptop, but he thought that delving into his work would be more counter-productive than anything else. He decided to go watch a movie - he didn't really care what. It would take him about an hour to walk there, and that means he'd be in time for the early show. As he walked out the door his eyes caught sight of the framed picture of his mother and father. He shook his head woefully. It had been very long since they'd spoken, but he kept the picture to remind him that he still had parents. He ran down the stairs two steps at a time. It was a habit one quickly picked up when one lived in the penthouse but was afraid of elevators. He walked along the sidewalk which was rapidly becoming busier as people started heading off to work. He was approaching Becky's but with luck he could mingle with the sidewalk crowd and she wouldn't see him. He wouldn't stop by today, which was very rare in its self - but there it was. He was no more than fifty feet from Becky's when he saw Sean walk out, his head hung low and with disappointment etched on his face. Ryan froze instantly in his tracks and he was sure that his heart and lungs followed the example set by his feet. "You've got to be shitting me!" he muttered to himself softly. Something made him very wary of the situation. Sean was unaware of him, and he seemed to not know which way he should turn now that he'd exited Becky's. There he stood in his sanded blue jeans and his grey tracksuit top with another vague baseball cap looking as hot as ever, but at the same time trying to normalise his stunning good looks and blend in. Ryan decided to quickly cross the road and avoid Sean. He felt uneasy, and something about Sean's body language made him seem even worse off emotionally than the previous encounter. He turned as surreptitiously as possible to avoid attracting Sean's focus. As if the gods were pissing on him, he heard his name shouted from the left - loud and clear. He didn't even need to turn to know that Sean had seen him, but he felt irritated that his covert efforts sucked so badly. Ryan eventually turned to his left, slowly and nonchalantly. He didn't want to seem too enthusiastic to see Sean, especially because he had already seen him, and also because of the previous time they'd met. He didn't know if Sean was going to rape him on the sidewalk or try to gut him with some sort of creative weapon. His eyes widened before he could stop them as he saw Sean literally sprint up to him. He leaned on his back foot, almost at the point of raising his hands to defend himself before it was too late. Sean stopped short with a wide smile, but he was panting for air hungrily. "Hey Ryan," he said simply. He placed a hand on Ryan's shoulder and leaned forward to breathe in deeply, trying to catch his breath. Ryan felt his whole body gravitating towards the grip of that hand on his shoulder. He could feel the strength of that grip, but at the same time he felt as if his shoulder had touched a high voltage line. His breathing accelerated before he could stop it and his heart bounded at his mere proximity to Sean's face. "Hi Sean," he said coolly, but stopped short of being rude. Good. He'd managed to betray every single emotion going through his body. He'd taken a volcano of lust and emotion and transferred it to an icy greeting fit for a bastard. That made him the perfect idiot in his opinion, but it was too late to rectify the error. He still wasn't sure of Sean's motives. Sean seemed to hear the tone of the greeting and his smile slipped slightly, with his eyes looking at the sidewalk. He removed his hand from Ryan's shoulder and put it in his pocket. Put it back on my shoulder! He felt like screaming. "I... I'm really sorry about my behaviour last time, Ryan," Sean said softly, but it was obvious he was relieved to say it. "Yeah, what was with that?" Ryan asked, and he couldn't keep the irritation from his voice. He wasn't angry - he'd forgiven Sean as soon as he'd seen him, but Sean had after all been responsible for days of speculation and torment. "I just have some problems that I'm trying to work through," he said. It was an evasive answer, and worst of all, it didn't settle his doubts, but opened up an ocean of possibilities. Well at least Sean wasn't going to hit him. "Okay?" he said after the silent delay, and he looked into Ryan's eyes. Ryan could sense terrible vulnerability in him at that moment. Something really was affecting him badly! "Sure Sean," he said with a warm smile. It wasn't necessary to hurt the guy, and it definitely wasn't fine to let the topic go - but he felt that discretion in this area was wiser than jumping into some sort of full blown conflict on the sidewalk. Sean would speak about his problems when he was ready. Ryan had a warehouse full of his own problems, but he knew Sean wouldn't bore into them - so he provided the same courtesy. "I'm not a difficult guy," he added. Sean visibly exhaled and relief covered his face. He looked into Ryan's eyes, but Ryan found that he couldn't cope with the gaze or its implications, and he diverted his gaze. "So," Ryan said with a cough. "We are you coming from?" he said, as if he didn't know. "I thought you might be in Becky's," he said. "I asked where you live, but she refused to tell me. She was pretty rude," he said with a frown. "Becky's protective," he replied with a smile, more for himself than Sean. He could imagine her affront at being asked the question. She cherished his address as if it was the location of Mount Olympus or some other mystical treasure, and he was sure her eyes would shoot fireballs at anyone who tried to take that privilege away from her. "She's a good person, you'll learn to like her a lot." "Yeah," Sean replied, who seemed not to be interested in Becky at all. "So what you doing on the streets so early?" "Well I..." "Did you get that contract?" he interrupted suddenly. Ryan found himself wanting to laugh but remained polite and smiled. "Uh, I'm waiting for it, Sean. It went well, but they told me they'd let me know within a week." "Awesome," he replied with a nod. "Are you okay?" Ryan asked. Sean wiped his forehead. It was a cool summer's morning but he was sweating! "Fine, I'm fine," he said. "I was going to go watch a movie," Ryan said, and Sean frowned at him. "In reply to your first question." Comprehension dawned on Sean's face. "Oh, right. What you going to watch?" "I dunno," Ryan said. "I just felt like getting out a bit. Want to come along?" "Come along?" Sean said with wide eyes, and he looked like an animal looking for a path to flee. "To the movie," Ryan added simply. "Well I can't. I mean, I can!" Sean blubbered awkwardly. Ryan seemed to make Sean extremely self-conscious. He didn't know why - whether Sean had feelings for him, or whether her was genuinely anxious about being alone with a gay guy. "Okay, let's go," Ryan said with a kind smile. They started walking to the movies. Ryan took time to enjoy the summer air, which was fresh and crisp on his skin. He felt the soft breeze licking the exposed skin on his lower arms, not too hot or cold, but comfortable. Having Sean walk next to him was awesome. To be near him made Ryan feel warm and content. Everything seemed better - the sunlight seemed to radiate with a soft golden light, and the sky was bluer than ever, the leaves of trees more beautiful than he'd ever noticed before. He was falling for Sean, beyond any doubt. He didn't know him very well, but he knew. He just knew that Sean was someone he desired greatly. He was hot - so damn hot, but he also seemed to have a soft and mischievous personality which Ryan found magnetic, to put it mildly. He glanced subtly to his right. Sean had been silent for a few minutes now, and even though he enjoyed the guy's company, he also found it awkward and disconcerting to walk in silence with a near stranger. Sean looked straight ahead, his face seemed tense. His hands were in his pockets, but his entire body language shouted of insecurity, as if he was a wound up coil. If Ryan didn't know better, he'd think Sean didn't want to be around him. "You're acting very strangely," Ryan said blatantly. He decided to get it out into the open, because it was becoming mildly irritating. Sean's head swung in his direction and he focussed on him with wary, wide-open eyes. "Shit, I'm so sorry, Ryan. I just have a lot of personal issues at the moment." "Well you said that last time," Ryan said pointedly. "I've told you before, you can talk to me about your problems." "I can't," Sean said stubbornly and with a shake of his head, as if trying to convince himself more than Ryan. "Just trust me, I'd rather be here than any other place in the world, so don't take it personally." Ryan smiled at the comment - it wasn't vague. Sean picked up on it again, and once again a look of great regret flashed across his face and he rubbed his eyes, as if he was tired and not thinking properly. So, he hadn't meant to say that... again. Ryan was pretty sure Sean liked him, but he also sensed huge conflict in the guy walking beside him. Ryan was hungry for a relationship - he yearned for it, and Sean seemed to be a great catch, but he refused to initiate anything with a guy dominated by doubt and regret. It would lead to some sort of twisted emotional rollercoaster, and a tragically short relationship. "Okay," Ryan said warmly, and still with a smug smile which he hoped Sean would see. "But even though you have these 'problems', I don't like to see you like this. So try to have some fun, okay?" "Okay," Sean replied with a blush, clearly abashed that he'd caused Ryan some discomfort. "What do you want to see?" "I don't even know what's showing," he replied. "You a fan of the Fantastic Four?" "Well, I saw the first one. It was okay, I guess." "Want to see the sequel?" Ryan said. "I don't really mind what we see, I'm not here for the... I mean, I don't really mind what we see." Sean coughed uncomfortably, but he did seem to be relaxing slightly. His hands had finally revealed themselves from his pockets, and Ryan thought greedily how strong and purposeful they seemed. It was his turn to shake his head to clear his mind of such thoughts. At this rate, he would jump Sean, and he was pretty sure that the guy was NOT ready for that! They arrived at the relevant place about twenty minutes later, and Ryan could still sense the discomfort which permeated the situation. He purchased two tickets for the early show, and ignored Sean's protest that he pay his own way, with a dismissive smile. "I'm sure I'll survive the financial shock," he told him coyly. "That's not the point," Sean said with a smile. They went and found their seats and waited for the lights to dim. They hadn't really considered getting something to eat or drink, considering breakfast was a recent event. The cinema was empty as he expected it would, except for perhaps two other people in the second row from the front. They might have been mannequins for all the movement they made. "I hope you get that job," Sean whispered to him. Ryan shivered. Sean was close enough for his breath to touch Ryan's ear. Ryan suddenly felt out of control. His heart started to beat heavily and a dizzy feeling swept over him, as if he was suddenly falling from a great height. He knew this feeling. He'd experienced it before on rare occasions. It was love. It was lust. It was everything which went along with intense physical attraction to a person. He reconsidered kissing Sean and seeing what would happen, if only to clear his own sanity and perhaps prevent himself from losing out in the long run. "Thanks," he replied with a breathy and strained croak. He shook his head imperceptibly and dismissed the thought of seizing Sean and having his way with him in this dark cinema. "I'll have to wait a little longer, but it makes it easier to have some company while I do it. Take off your cap, dumbass. No one will recognise you here." Sean smiled in the darkness and Ryan could see the glint of his eyes as they stared at him. They seemed to bore into his soul, to betray his external composition. He took off his cap and Ryan smiled at Sean's untidy hair. Sean seemed to be terrified of the idea of intimacy, but his eyes, his mind, his heart - all were bursting and fighting the chains which held them back. They watched the movie which Ryan thought was pretty impressive. Sean seemed to enjoy it too, but Ryan caught him staring at his hand several times during the movie. Did Sean want to hold his hand? Could he be that romantic? Ryan laughed to himself, but showed no outward sign of amusement. After the movie they spent the duration of the walk home discussing various aspects of the movie. Ryan was openly amused at Sean's dramatic recollections of aspects of the story. His vivid portrayal of the action scenes on the sidewalk attracted the attention of more than one pedestrian who thought that a mental patient must be on the loose. "I better calm down," Sean said softly, after an old woman looked at him grimly, clearly with half a mind to call the police as he pretended to use his powers on her. "Yes," Ryan replied with a smile. "Your baseball cap will mean squat if you continue to run amok like this." They eventually arrived at his apartment, and Ryan invited Sean up for coffee. He accepted graciously and as they entered, Sean made his way to the elevator. "Uh, I take the stairs," he said gently, already making his way to the staircase. "As part of a work out?" Sean asked with confusion. "No, I'm ... well... it's..." "You're afraid of elevators," Sean said with a beaming smile. Ryan hadn't seen him so amused since he'd met him. His smile was devastating, and the curve of his smile, and his white teeth were almost overwhelming. "Well yes, but I don't appreciate being mocked because of it," he said with mild affront. Sean walked up to him, and threw his arm around his neck as if trying to wrestle him to the ground. Instinctively he grabbed Sean's arm as if preparing to hold off a mock fight, but Sean was strong and he was laughing - which made Ryan laugh, and inept as a warrior. "That's like... so.... cute," Sean said with laughter all over his voice. "It's like a little kid and his fear of monsters." "Motherfucker," Ryan muttered with fake anger, and Sean laughed maniacally. His face was being crushed into the right side of Sean's chest, and his grip was as strong as ever. He couldn't see anything but he could feel Sean leading them up the steps, despite his ardent efforts to unravel his hold on him. "Now, now," Sean said in a rueful parental voice. "Don't make me wash out your mouth with soap." His tone was infuriatingly smug, but Ryan found himself lost in the moment. "Hmm, the first floor," Sean continued after a while. "I think I should release you, or I'll spend all day guessing where you live." His grip softened and Ryan sprung free, in a valiant effort to convince potential onlookers that he'd determined his own freedom, and to regain his dignity. He looked at Sean with malice, but the guy leaned against the wall with that smug grin painted all over his face. "You... you..." Ryan was spluttering. "Me," Sean said simply. With a stoic breath, Ryan walked past him. "Follow me, asshole," he said. They walked up to the tenth floor and he unlocked the door to the apartment. "Fucking hell, why didn't you choose the first floor if you don't want to use the elevator!" Sean said in exasperated and exhausted tones. "This is the penthouse, pretty boy. It's better and bigger than everything below us." Ryan went to turn on the kettle and Sean meandered around, examining the contents of the apartment - looking at his art, his ornaments, his books, everything with keen interest. Ryan decided to throw a spanner in the works. "Chris Evans was fucking hot, hey?" Sean turned slowly, and instantly he seemed to tense up. His reaction was very interesting, but not unexpected. "I don't really have any thoughts on the matter," he said without looking at him. Suddenly Sean found the painting on the wall closest to him to be intensely interesting. "Really?" Ryan said with coy amusement. What a liar. He was going to crack this situation right now if it killed him. "He was hot, so hot. You wouldn't believe the thoughts that ran through my head when I saw him shirtless." Sean continued to stare at the painting as if it was a masterpiece original. "That's nice," he said, but his voice was carrying a mountain of anxiety. Ryan walked up to him stealthily. He whispered into his ear softly. He was so close to touching his ear, he was worried he would do so by accident. "I've had thoughts about you which are similar to those. Except maybe a million times more powerful." Ryan couldn't see his face but his chest was heaving, and he sensed that his eyes had closed. Suddenly he turned around, and there was anger on his face. "Listen to me, asshole," he said, and his face was twisted with rage. Ryan expected this and before he allowed this volcanic launch to occur, he decided to cut it off at the knees. He pushed Sean back forcefully and he smashed into the wall, sending the painting falling to the ground with crack as the frame gave way. Shock was etched on Sean's face as if he couldn't believe what had just happened. He wasn't finished. He walked up to Sean, and watched as he swallowed nervously. He put his hand on Sean's chest and felt the heaving, strong muscles beneath his shirt. "You're so full of shit," Ryan said with grim determination. Sean's mouth dropped as if he wanted to say something, but was still caught up in the situation and the way it had turned out. "If you're straight, then I'm married with four kids." Anger passed over Sean's face, but was gone in an instant. He was so close to breaking. He was terrified of being seen for what he was, and now he was throwing his final barriers up, his most potent and desperate defences. He was hurling anger and rage, and Ryan knew Sean was close to physically attacking him. It would be the logical thing to do to get out of the situation. If he could just break down this final wall, he knew he and Sean had a chance. "I like you, Sean... I really like you," he said staring into Sean's piercing eyes. The words were like daggers. They seemed to drain the strength from him, and Ryan thought the guy might collapse if it wasn't for his hand pressing on his chest. "But I'm not going to do anything unless you say you like me too." He moved closer to Sean until his face was only a few inches from Sean's. He was so close to him now it was difficult to remain focussed. His face was unbelievable. He was stunningly good looking - every feature of his was of outstanding perfection. He could see Sean's lips with a slight tremor running through them, and he suddenly felt a pang of guilt for doing this to the guy. It lasted for a short time, though. He wanted to help the guy, and this was tough love in its most exposed form. He moved close until he was right in front of Sean. He surely thought that he intended to kiss him, and Ryan could sense him tense up, he could feel Sean's raging heart throbbing against his chest. He knew Sean wanted it desperately but he wouldn't go further without some form of confession on Sean's part. That was a small price to ask for a relationship. I like you. You like me. Great, let's date. He looked into Sean's eyes, and all he could see was fear. Tears glistened in his eyes. He was so close, damn it, he was so close to saying it. "Just say it, Sean. Say you like me, or kiss me, I don't mind. Just show me that you're game," he said seductively while looking at Sean's mouth. He licked his lips slightly as if to invite Sean, and he could see that Sean was having a world war of emotions inside his body. He thought he'd been successful and was about to congratulate himself, when suddenly a huge force hit him. He flew across the room and slid along the kitchen floor with a grunt. He looked up, and drew a deep breath, only to see Sean standing there leaning against the said wall, his eyes fearful and his hands trembling. Holy shit, the guy was strong! "I can't!" he shouted. Ryan had never heard so much conflict in a someone's voice. Sean hated his existence at that moment, hated what he'd done. Ryan didn't feel pain, mostly because he was so focussed on the guy he cared for. "Sean..." "I can't, Ryan! It's not me! It can't be!" At that moment Sean couldn't maintain it anymore and tears slid simultaneously from both his eyes. His face was screwed up with grief, and in moments he was weeping openly as he slid down the wall to sit on the floor in his broken state. Ryan's heart instantly panged with severe feelings of grief. He wanted to cry for Sean. He could see a man in conflict, a guy who knew what he wanted but felt trapped by expectation and limitations. He leaped up, and his chest pained with the memory of Sean's titanic push. In an instant he was next to Sean, and he stroked the back of his neck. He wanted to provide the support and reassurance he knew Sean thought he didn't have. Sean's tears started to slow as he felt the caress, and he leaned his head towards Ryan's arm, resting it on his forearm. His face showed so much bliss as it lay there he could scarcely believe it. Sean was into him much more than he'd first anticipated. He stroked Sean's cheek with his free hand and Sean murmured happily. "No!" Sean shouted abruptly, and leaped to his feet, causing Ryan to fall back splayed on the floor for the second time. If it had been any other time, he would have appreciated the guy's strength with a thorough examination. Sean raced to the door and fumbled with the doorknob and tore the door open. His sobs echoed from the steps and Ryan could hear the huge leaps he made in his fight to escape the building. Ryan sat there for a few moments in shock. He looked to his left and saw the steam rising from the boiling kettle. He slowly got to his feet and closed his front door, and made his way to the kitchen. He calmly made himself a cup of good coffee, all the while replaying the incident in his mind. He looked up and out the window, and surveyed the city skyline blankly. "Fuck!" he roared. ********************************************************************* End of Chapter 2 Thanks for any comments I have received. If you like the way the story is going send me an e-mail to