J. Lo

Jennifer Lopez

Epic Records, 2001



I am sick of living in countries where they don't allow refunds for mediocre music. Dear Music Industry: your albums are CRAP. YOU are crap. There is probably no other industry that doesn't allow you to get refunds of unsatisfactory products, and probably no other industry that overprices its products as themusic industry does; it's common knowledge that it's cheaper to produce a CD than a cassette tape. A recent Asian Wall Street Journal article reported that the EU is investigating this matter as we speak. Industry insiders claim that "the product is worth the price we put on it."

Bullshit. Here's the artist to prove it.

Jennifer Lopez is a stage-trained singer with an R&B background, who's done some Broadway work. Note Broadway; emphasis here would be projection, not soul or emotion. Her previous effort bim_ad_daily_vault_print_250On The 6 was filled with her banal, vanilla and flat voice that was layered under more production effects than Britney Spears and Cher combined. J. Lo offers no improvement.

The reliance on production is heavy. "Walking On Sunshine" might have worked if Lopez had a stronger voice. So is "Ain't It Funny", which is otherwise tightly produced. Let me lump together the Simply Boring songs here right away: "Come Over" is just slow and boring, "Talk To Me" is more inanity, "I'm Gonna Be Alright" (of arguable spelling) and "That's The Way" are such obvious fillers you just want to smack the upside of Tommy Mottola's head for insulting your intelligence. "Dance With Me" STILL more boring... all these songs are about going to clubs, what happens in clubs, clubs clubs clubs, as if the rest of life, history, the Space Station and hunger in Africa just fades away into irrelevance.

But the banal ersatz Latin-groove songs have got to be the worst. "Carino" (sorry, can't get Spanish-language accent marks on Korean Windows 98) and "Dame" are seriously banal, with or without her voice; do they think just Spanish lyrics, trumpets and a beat spells automatic "Latin"? Spiritless, pointless fillers, as is the closing track "Si Ya Se Acabo". No wonder she's not a hit in Mexico.

"That's Not Me" has some hope as it compensates for her voice by layering, and layering, and layering her vocals so it gives an IMPRESSION of strength, like an R&B version of Enya, but Destiny's Child does it better and besides, it won't save her in the end. "Secretly" sounds like a pre- Control Janet Jackson throwaway... a bizarre example (bizaare because it's unexpected) of "bubblegum pop" as defined in the early 80's.

If there is a single song of merit on the entire album it's "Love Don't Cost A Thing", which overcomes her voice problems by layering, layering, layering and even more layering. She won't get away with this for long, and one good track with something like seventeen fillers does not a good album make.

Because I apparently do not have the right to demand a refund or an apology, I exercise my right to free speech here to compensate: Do Not Buy This Album . It's really, really bad. I give Jennifer Lopez the honor of recieving my first F review.

Rating: F

User Rating: Not Yet Rated


