Warning Signs: Is Your New Boyfriend a Psychopath?

By Ronald Schouten MD JD and James Silver JD

Originally published on Advocate.com June 21 2012 2:21 AM ET


But you start to have some doubts after a friend says, “I hate to say this, but this new guy gives me the creeps — too charming, takes up all your time, and has basically moved in after just a few weeks. You better watch out.” 

“What are you saying?” you ask. “I’m with some kind of psychopath?”

“No” she responds. “Not a psychopath. But almost.”

Now you’re worried, and confused. Aren’t psychopaths inherently evil, the human equivalent of the Honey Badger? And in the worst cases, aren’t psychopaths serial killers like Hannibal Lecter and Ted Bundy? You couldn’t be in a relationship with one. Or could you?


What Is Psychopathy?
Psychopathy involves a major abnormality in how people interact with the world, characterized by a lack of empathy for other people’s feelings as well as behaviors that are considered inappropriately deceitful and aggressive.  Psychopaths ignore social, legal, and moral standards of conduct in order to meet their own needs. They know the difference between right and wrong, but they simply don’t care; their only concern is what’s “right” for them at the time.

The modern definition of psychopathy is based upon the work of psychologist Robert Hare. Hare and his colleagues developed a rating scale for psychopathy, for use by trained clinicians. That scale has 20 items that cover how the person experiences and interacts with the world. A score of 0, 1, or 2 is assigned to each item, based upon the consistent presence of the characteristic in the person’s life.

A person who scores 30-40 on the scale is considered a psychopath; most people score less than 10, but it is estimated that about 1% of the U.S. population meets the formal criteria for psychopathy. That’s  3 million Americans with psychopathy. 


The “Almost Psychopath”
But what about those people who score more than the average person but below the cutoff to be considered a psychopath (a score between 10 and 30)? These people exhibit psychopathic traits of insufficient number or consistency to be classified as true psychopaths, but they can still make life miserable for those around them. In our book, Almost a Psychopath, we refer to the people who fall into this middle range as “almost psychopaths” (sometimes also called “subclinical psychopaths” ). Almost psychopaths are not likely to end up in prison, but they may still steal from the people in their lives and abuse them emotionally and/or physically. Studies suggest that as much as 15% of the population may fall into this range. That would mean 45 million Americans are almost psychopaths. 

Ultimately, then, your odds of being involved with an almost psychopath are much greater than your odds of becoming entangled with a true psychopath.


How to Tell if You're With an Almost Psychopath

2. The person lies. Almost psychopaths may lie about big things, like why they didn't show up for a date, where they were last night, or their past, as well as about little things, like saying they will go to the store and then denying that you ever asked them to. 
5. You are being abused, psychologically or physically, including being pressured to do things, socially or sexually, that you don't want to do. 


What to Do: Escape or Engage?
What if you run through this list and decide that the person in your life has some or all of these characteristics? You may want to discuss your experiences and concerns with someone else, like a friend, therapist, or family member before you make that decision. One choice is to end it immediately. If you feel there is some hope, then consider addressing your concerns directly with the person in question. But beware if your concerns are met with denial, defensiveness, or turning the blame on you. And remember, no one deserves to be used or abused.


RONALD SCHOUTEN, MD, JD, and JAMES SILVER, JD, the authors of Almost a Psychopath, offer advice on what to do (or how to know) if the person you're dating has some insurmountable foibles.