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There's no other way to say it

Feb 05, 2010 - 0 comments




I'm miserable.  That's it. I was trying, but why bother? Why bother?  I feel like ****.  I shred carrots, but I mess it all up.  I'm trying to learn, but it's all going over my head. I sleep and sleep, but I'm never rested enough. I try to make firneds and try to look nice and I try to smile more. But it's futile. It's useless.  I have no friends I'm an ugly little ******* and  no one even knows I have teeth.

I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know what to do. I'm trying to keep my chin above the water, but I can't. I'm just done.  I'm wasting my life. I
m wasting it.  And I hate this.  Everyone is sick of seeing me around. I am a wallflower, without a name.  A ugly wallflower. The one people spit on when they walk by.  Nobody is happy to see me today.  They rarely are, but I can still wish. I must look extra ugly today or something.

I tried to spend my whole week making plans, keeping a list of things to do, forming plans, and I felt so set. But tomarrow's Saturday and I have nothing.  I have nothing. And no opportunities.  

Today I went to Steve's.  And I'm wasting his time because I'm always there and he has no time for himself.  I'm sorry.  Then I cried for a long time and I'm a pain in the ***  and I pry words from him. And I'm finally calmed down, I feel better. I  go home and I'm going to meet Chels at the mall.  We're gonna look for dresses and outfits for modeling.  And we did. And then, it was very fun.  I looked good in some dresses, but there's something wrong about my face. There's something not working for me. There's something wrong. Something's not right. I don't even know, but I can't look nice.  All dresses look out of place. I think I found one though. I hope. We got info on the model search. And we're gonna look for outfits and I hope that'll be soon becasue I'm going to rot at home.  My weekend  is going to rot too.  

I like to count my friends, and something I feel better after. I did today. After going to the mall.  Not before.  I have a girl, a boy, and a best.  And a mom.  And that's enough, isn't it?  But they're all having fun without me.  It's not their fault, it's just that they have lives. They are young and alive and I am not.  I am useless and I can't do anything. I can't contribute. I am a leech and a terrible friend.  Tomarrow, I guesss I wasn't worrying about it.  Tomarrow Steve will be with Jordan, Chels with her cousin, Shei with Billy, and my mom at work.  I won't even have my mom.  And I can't even look at Alex anymore. It doesn't ev en matter if she's mad at me. It doesn't even matter.  I don't even know her. She's a stranger. She is nobody to me. And I wanted to change that, but we are, again, s[peaking different languages. We don't agree, at all. And she's in the world I wish I could be.  That I'm outside of. That I can't get into.  And she's embracing it, all of the things I once had. The friends I could've  known, and the things I could have done and tried, the caring I thought I could earn.  But I had more promisies. I had more important things. And I don't regret that.  I weighed it, and this won. We won. So I left that world, I left the friends I thought I'd never leave and I fell out of the loop. And it's too late to go back. Even if I could, I couldn't. I am not allowed.  But Steve is my whole world and I can't have him all the time. He can't just be mine, and I know that.  I know. Though how am I supposed to fill my time? When everyone disgusts me and I'm home alone. I'm lonely.  And everything terrifies me.
I want into this world again, becasue she has it all and I have nothing today. I had things, such important things, but why is the world I left reliable and consistent, when I can't have that?  Why can't I have that?  I'm so cold.

My nights are getting ridiculous again. There wsa a small bubble of time when I was able to look the dark straight in the eyes and not run with my tail between my legs. I could walk, and had less paranoia. And I wasn't hearing as much, wasn't seeing as much. And now I'm so scared. Everytime I turn my head, there's something. There's someone. There's things I don't want to be near. And when it's quiet, I hear voices. And they're talking like they have something important to say, but I can't understand them. I want so desperately to understand them.  I need to listen just a bit better. And I could understand them and see if they're talking about me.  But I wish my room would stay empty.  I'm tired of waking up and everything being scary. I'm tired of being unable to  get up and  I can't even describe how scared I am.  There's nothing to help. There's nothing to help me.  How could I have not found it, it's been years. Years of trials and tribulations and I don't know  what to do anymore.  They say they can fix this. They can fix me. I'm not uncurbaale. Then why am I still scared? Why am I feeling so terrible today? Why am I falling apart? Why can't I be normal like the rest of the world?  Why can't I just be happy, just make friends. Why can't  I keep friends, why does everyone bring revulsion to my stomach. Why can't I  smile and  look prettty enough to know I'm not so horrible. Why can't I  have fun? Why is it even when I'm somewhere fun, doing something fun,  there are times when I'm not having fun.  I'm not.  

I'm really tired and I don't want to cry again. I don't want to cry.  I look horrible and crying doesn't help. But I'm going to cry. I'm going to. I need to talk to Steve but I'm such an *** for waking him up so late. He's tired. But I need to talk to him. What if I don't make it through the night/.  I can'ttrust myself right now. I can't even  trust my mind not to kill me.

I don't think I can take my pills. But I can't have a baby and I really need some sleep and I wish I could always feel safe and I wish I could sleep like I used to and why doesn't this **** work? Why can't I have my Ambien back? And the rest- I won't feel the difference for weeks, right? If I got anymore depressed I'd be 6 feet under.  The antidepressants are doing sooo much.  I'm losing my grip.

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