Champions League: crunch time for Liverpool

Liverpool 4-1 Porto

Torres 19 77, Gerrard 83 (pen), Crouchigol 87
Lopez 32
The Guardian Unlimited Patented Rafael Benitez Tantrum-o-meter
A: Hot funk
B: Volcanic funk
C: High-acceleration nuclear reaction expressed through the medium of bespoke tailoring

It's been a hell of a week for Rafa. After falling out with Liverpool's cuddly Republican owners George N Gillett Jr the Second and Tom Hicks Sr the First over transfer funds, he's been focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, focusing on training and coaching his team, and focusing on training and coaching his team. And ostentatiously sporting tracksuits to make a point. But will all that focusing, training, coaching and ostentatious tracksuit sporting pay off? Liverpool probably have to win here tonight to stay in this year's competition - they certainly can't register a worse result than the one Marseille manage at Turkish Shower FC - and a loss could see Rafa chased out of Anfield by George'n'Tom, if not immediately, then sooner. His moods this evening will therefore be worth following, so in the spirit of cutting-edge internet journalism, please allow us to unveil Guardian Unlimited's latest leap into the future: THE GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED RAFA BENITEZ TANTRUM-O-METER®.


A: Hot funk

B: Volcanic funk


Liverpool: Reina, Finnan, Carragher, Hyypia, Arbeloa, Benayoun, Gerrard, Mascherano, Babel, Voronin, Torres.

Subs: Itandje, Riise, Kewell, Crouch, Kuyt, Best Midfielder At The Club Lucas, Sissoko.

FC Porto: Helton, Bosingwa, Stepanov, Bruno Alves, Cech, Mariano Gonzalez, Lucho Gonzalez, Paulo Assuncao, Kazmierczak, Quaresma, Lopez.

Subs: Nuno, Pedro Emanuel, Fucile, Raul Meireles, Sektioui, Bolatti, Postiga.

Referee: Roberto Rosetti (Italy)

Kick off on pitch: 7.45pm

Kick off in boardroom: 9.45pm, depending on results

Oh me, oh my, o-meter. "The picture for C is excellent," begins Ben Jackson. "I imagine it was cropped from a picture of Rafa giving Crouch's swingers a good hard tweak after yet another weak header six yards out from goal." Oh Ben! How could you! Now I can't look at today's o-meter without suffering some pretty low-down mental turbulence. If this report is a shambles, I'm holding you responsible for it in its entirety. Speaking of o-meters, what with this being a crucial European night for Captain Sort-Of-Fantastic's Reds, I may also need to refer to THE GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED STEVEN GERRARD WAYWARD FLAY-O-METER®, though with the image not being on this page I'll probably forget which letter refers to which particular wild lash. Still, cutting-edge internet journalism, right now, right here on Guardian Unlim... oh who am I trying to kid.

"Humility makes man great." So reads a banner being waved by Liverpool fans on their Jarrow-esque "Don't Sack Rafa" march, starting at a pub 43 seconds from Anfield and ending at the Shankly Gates. To reiterate: that's being waved by Liverpool fans, the self-proclaimed Best Fans In The World. With their team needing to win, Liverpool fans will hope this won't be the only open goal converted this evening.

Songs to learn and sing: You'll Never Walk Alone is belted out, but for once it isn't the loudest pre-match song; today it's "Rafa, Rafael, Rafa, Rafael, Rafa, Rafael, Rafael Benitez." A point is made. Hands are shaken to the tune of the Official Uefa Bastardisation Of Classics, Handel's Zadok The Priest, and we're ready to go. "Unless you've got some info regarding their party affiliation, assuming Hicks and Gillett are Republicans is a bit of a stretch, since I believe statistically the Democratic party garners more contribution money from its wealthy members then the Republicans," writes registered Independent Paul Jackson of Baltimore. "Why not just call them Yanks? Personally I think they'd give Americans owning Premiership clubs a horrible name if they went and fired Rafa, regardless of today's outcome. "

And we're off! Liverpool win a corner in the first 30 seconds after Torres wins a majestic header. Gerrard's delivery isn't bad, but the ball's cleared and Mariano Gonzalez sprinted clear. Suddenly Porto were two on one, but the speedy attacker decides to go it alone and is dispossessed by a wonderful covering tackle by Mascherano. An eventful start.

3 min: Porto pass it around a bit, taking a bit of early sting out of the game. Liverpool seem happy enough to let them do so, strangely.

5 min: Benayoun cuts inside from the right, beats two men and curls a shot towards the left-hand corner of the net. However Bruno Alves is in the way and bundles the ball clear. There's a shout for handball as the ball comes off the defender's stomach onto his right arm, and it could have been given, but in truth a spot kick would have been harsh on Porto. Good stuff from Benayoun, though.

7 min: First shots of Rafa from the sidelines. He's in his suit. There goes C on the Tantrum-o-meter®. Gah. "Any lovely Portuguese tobacco fetishists hanging around GU Towers today?" asks David. I have no idea what he's talking about. But let's hope so.

9 min: Torres steals the ball from Kazmierczak and tears into the Porto half. He reaches the edge of the area and, with Gerrard and Voronin arguably in better positions, takes a quarter-decent punt from distance which Helton claims with ease.

11 min: Torres crosses from the right with the outside of his boot. It's a bit too high for Voronin, though, and the Ukrainian heads harmlessly up into the air for Helton to gather. "Hicks and Gillett are definitely Republicans," states Ben Combs. "Gillett has given over $100,000 to the Republicans and Hicks is the man that made George W. Bush really rich when he bought the Texas Rangers baseball team from him. He's also campaigning for Giuliani to be president. Besides, only Republicans would be dumb enough to fire Rafa."

13 min: Quaresma takes a poor shot from long range. It's really bad. For his trouble, he is upended by Mascherano, though the ref doesn't blow for a foul. "Do you really think Rafa gets his tracksuits tailored?" asks Dennis A. Chapoval. Yep. Rafa's a handsome man. He'll get everything tailored. You only have to look at his face.

16 min: Mascherano is a fine, fine player, but he doesn't half give away some needless free kicks. He tips Lopez over with the Porto player going absolutely nowhere out on the right. The free kick is in a dangerous position, but Quaresma's delivery is dreadful and it sails out for a goal kick. Porto aren't carrying much of a threat at the moment.

19 min: FERNANDO TORRES'S FIRST CHAMPIONS LEAGUE GOAL! Liverpool 1-0 Porto. Poor ball from Finnan, who bursts into the box from the right and, with Torres clear on the spot, fails to find him and has to settle for the corner. No matter though: Porto's marking from the set piece is dreadful, allowing Torres to head home from four yards. The header didn't have to be precise or powerful. A shocker from the visitors, not that Torres gives a flying one. GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED RAFA BENITEZ TANTRUM-O-METER®: A. You know what he's like.

22 min: Things Beginning To Sail Over Min-by-min Correspondent's Clumpish Head Dept. "In response to Ben Combs," begins Simon Stow, "I think the point that Paul Jackson was making is that giving money to a particular party is not necessarily an indication of whether one is affiliated with that party. Certainly Tom Hicks once gave money to former Texas Governor Anne Richards who was a Democrat. I think the safest thing you can say is that Hicks is a Republican donor." In the meantime Lopez reaches the byline and clips in a decent cross from the right, but Reina claims easily as there's not a single Porto player in the box whatsoever. This is poor from Porto.

24 min: A couple of minutes of aimless hoofing and directionless head tennis. Best competition in the world! "If Rafa was American and the owners were Spanish, you can be sure they'd be singing Hicks name at the Kop," opines Dave Anthony. "The day English football fans support anything American will be the day Viduka puts down a pie and says he's had enough."

27 min: Quaresma tries a Mark Hughes scissor kick from the left-hand corner of Liverpool's box. The ball goes over 40 feet straight up, in the air. It's like watching Momo Sissoko try to trap it. "Rafa A looks like he was sick on Rafa B," quips Richard Whittall. This is the level we're all operating at, that's for sure. And I'm not ashamed to say I'm completely comfortable with it.

28 min: Turkish Shower have taken the lead at home to Marseille.

31 min: Bosingwa is robbed by Benayoun, who, once the ball has been shuttled downfield and pinged around the Porto area for a while, nearly finds himself six yards out with the ball at his feet. He can't get a shot away as the ball doesn't sit down in time, but that was a tidy move involving the Israeli, Voronin and Torres. Meanwhile, an ancient Republican proverb, courtesy of Phil Glover: "Teach a man to light a fire and he will be warm forever. But throw him into the fire and he will never again complain about being cold."

32 min: GOAL! Liverpool 1-1 Porto. Kazmierczak whips a cross in from the left. The ball evades Arbeloa and finds Lopez three yards out. He heads the ball straight past Reina and into the net. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, and Anfield falls silent. GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED RAFA BENITEZ TANTRUM-O-METER®: BBBBB. And if he had time to change into a tracksuit, he would.

34 min: Torres should have scored here, as Benayoun sets him clear with only Helton to beat. But instead of dinking the ball over the keeper, who is caught in no man's land, Torres tries to take it round him, and is eventually bundled off the ball.

34 min: Lopez should have made it 2-1 to Porto, as he springs a static Liverpool back line. He toe-pokes the ball past the advancing Reina, but the ball sails wide left. Liverpool are rocking here.

36 min: Hyypia is booked for upending Lopez wide on the right.

37 min: Lucho Gonzalez has a punt from distance - and I think it would have made the top-left corner had it not been deflected over by Arbeloa's lunge. Nothing comes of the corner, but Liverpool are all over the shop.

39 min: That's better from Liverpool, as Finnan and Carragher combine down the right and find Torres, who is bundled over by Bruno Alves. The free kick is 30 yards out, slightly to the right. Gerrard takes a thrash at it... and it's not too far from the top left corner. A very decent attempt, though it would have been an utterly preposterous goal had it gone in. "The actual point my Uncle was making," writes Ryan Jackson of Baltimore, nephew of Paul Jackson of Baltimore, "is that just because some American is rich and possibly an asshat doesn't mean he's automatically a Republican. America is a big country. Here, there is plenty of room for rich asshats of every political stripe."

42 min: Anfield is very quiet. They're not even singing about asshats.

43 min: Babel sashays down the centre of the pitch and nearly executes a defence-splitting one-two with Benayoun. But doesn't.

44 min: Torres nearly beats Bruno Alves to a backpass, but is stopped from tearing clear when the two go shoulder to shoulder and both fall over. That could have been a penalty. Or a free kick to Porto. And it's a free kick to Porto.

Half time: Liverpool 1-1 Porto. There's about 0.000000000003 seconds of added time, and everyone's trudging off. GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED RAFA BENITEZ TANTRUM-O-METER®: B. Back in a sec.

Bringing families together: "Should I someday win the Mega Millions jackpot, one in excess of $300 million (cash value after taxes probably $80-90 million, which translates to, what, £10-20), which English club team should I buy that would make their fans apoplectic?" asks Paul Jackson, with reference to Dave Anthony's comments on 24 minutes. "And please say hello to my nephew Ryan for me." OK, will do. Hi, Ryan! Hi there! Hi!

And we're off again! Porto kick off, Liverpool kicking towards the local branch of McDonalds.

46 min: With no Porto player within ten yards of him, Torres passes the ball out of play. Liverpool are already betraying their nerves.

47 min: Assuncao is booked for falling on top of Benayoun.

49 min: Babel skates down the right wing and wins a corner off Cech. Gerrard takes the set piece... and it is bobbins. Cleared with ease. "In response to Ryan Jackson," writes John T, who may or may not be related to flash-in-the-pan cockney-wannabe Wimbledon rapper Jamie, "isn't the whole point of the Republican Big Tent to accommodate all asshats, whether they're rich or not, and whether they support Liverpool, Manchester United, Chelsea or whomever?"

50 min: Babel is finding plenty of space down the right, but he wastes his cross this time, finding the only zone in the box with Porto players in it. Torres and Voronin stand free in the middle, smoke a-parpin' out of their lugs Benitez-style.

52 min: Anfield is very nervous. And quiet. "According to news reports, the Reclaim the Kop campaign were 'planning to chant Rafa's name non-stop' to show solidarity with the Spaniard during the match," writes David. "Is this still on?" Nope. Oh no. "Or was the quiet bit at 43 minutes the sound of Rafa supporters rethinking their position?"

54 min: Reina is forced to race out and claim with Lopez hoping to toe-poke it past him. He then lashes a brilliant ball upfield to Torres on the left, who cuts inside, pauses, then rolls the ball square to Benayoun, who screws his effort horribly wide right of the goal. "Those fans marching in the cause of keeping Rafa at Liverpool," writes Gary Naylor, set-up man and zinger king, "they are Evertonians, yes?"

56 min: Benayoun and Babel try a series of intricate one-twos on the edge of the Porto box. The plan doesn't come together. Time and a place, lads. "You don't have to be a rich asshat to be Republican," suggests John Powers, thumbing through his Bumper Book Of Comedy Stereotypes. "You can also be a redneck with a rebel flag in the back window of your pickup truck. You don't have to be racist and/or sexist either, but it helps."

59 min: Liverpool's passes are going astray with worrying regularity. Unless they get their gamefaces on, this could easily be their last meaningful fixture in this year's tournament. "Torres is always passing it out of play like he did on 46 minutes in my Fifa '07 for the PSP," writes Billy Murphy. "In fact loads of my players in that game are always doing that. Maybe it's something to do with the buttons I'm pressing."

60 min: This is better from Liverpool. Babel feeds Finnan out right; his cross causes bedlam in the box and the ball drops to Babel, whose hearty lash is deflected wide of goal. Corner. From which (sort of, the ball is sent out to the halfway line and eventually returns) another is won. That one's totally useless, though.

62 min: The Kop erupts in a volcanic funk as Babel cuts in from the right, the route to goal opening up, but with the chance of a shot in front of him, he decides to pass square to Voronin. Who falls over. GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED RAFA BENITEZ TANTRUM-O-METER®: B.

63 min: Voronin is replaced by Kewell, a straight swap.

64 min: Kazmierczak is replaced by Meireles. Dave Antony has a suggestion for Paul Jackson, who wants to buy an English club with his £20 lottery windfall. "Well, that would be Leeds, wouldn't it?"

65 min: Good work from Babel and Kewell - cushioned header, pass - sees Babel find Gerrard, who flays wildly into the Kop. FLAY-O-METER: C

67 min: This is abject rubbish from Liverpool. They're doing absolutely nothing. ""Rafa has picked the wrong two cowpokes to [WORD DELETED BY SWEARING EDITOR] off," writes Dave Douglas. "They don't know/care about the game, but they do know the exchange rate isn't working in their favour. If Liverpool don't take the chance Besiktas are giving them, they are truly foolish. I can't believe I'm even thinking this.... bring on Crouchigol!" The crowd agree with you; they're cheering him as he warms up along the touchline.

70 min: Crouch replaces Benayoun; it's 19 months since he scored for Liverpool coming off the bench. "The point of all American institutions is to accommodate as many asshats as possible," writes Uncle Paul's nephew Ryan. "Take a gander at our Federal government."

72 min: Once more with feeling: this is abject rubbish from Liverpool. They're doing absolutely nothing.

74 min: Crouch flicks on brilliantly to Torres, who attempts to flick the ball over his own head and volley home. It was never going to happen, and didn't. "I think Wolves were bought for a tenner," writes Clive Whiteside, "which would leave Paul Jackson room to buy a second club. If that were allowed, of course."

76 min: Kewell tries to replicate the goal he got in front of the Kop against Spurs a couple of seasons ago, but sees his volley deflected wide. Corner. Porto stall it by swapping Mariano Gonzalez for Sektioui. From the corner, Hyypia tries a back flick which only sails safely into the hands of Helton.

77 min: GOAL! Liverpool 2-1 Porto. What a turn on the edge of the area from Torres, who diddles Stepanov and bursts into the left-hand side of the box. He's one-on-one with Helton and sidefoots powerfully into the bottom-right corner. A quality finish.

79 min: Torres wheechs down the left, cuts inside and sprays the ball across to Babel, who cuts in from the wing himself and unleash not so much of a daisycutter as a daisypolisher. Helton snaffles easily.

80 min: Assuncao off, Postiga on.

81 min: Stepanov is booked for kneeing Crouch in his perineum. Free kick. Gerrard swings it in from the left... and the hapless Stepanov sticks his hand up to slap the ball away. A clear penalty.

83 min: PENALTY SCORED! Liverpool 3-1 Porto. Gerrard sends Helton the wrong way, sending the ball cleanly into the bottom-right corner of the net. FLAY-O-METER: D. This is an extremely flattering scoreline for Liverpool, who have not been good by any definition you care to use.

84 min: Kuyt comes on for Babel, who has had a decent game up to the point of delivering some end product, and a terrible one after it.

85 min: Anfield is no longer silent, The Fields of Anfield Road being yakked at high volume. "If Liverpool can keep this lead than C is what Rafa will be doing towards the two Americans," suggests Richard Whittall.

87 min: CROUCHIGOL!!! AND WHAT A FLATTERING SCORELINE!!! Liverpool 4-1 Porto. Gerrard swings in a corner from the right. Helton tries to get round Kuyt, can't, and doesn't get anywhere near the ball, allowing Crouch to head home from six yards. Nineteen months, that took him.

89 min: Torres wins a brilliant header and so nearly sets Crouch free with a sidefooted pass, but the ball's hacked away at the last. He knows how to win a header, does Torres.

90 min: Beskitas have taken the lead again against Marseille. I didn't tell you Marseiille had equalised, did I? Oop. There will be three more minutes of this.

Full time: Liverpool 4-1 Porto.: That's the end of a very strange performance from Liverpool, for whom any sort of win in Marseille will ensure qualification for the knockout stages. They were pretty comfortable for half an hour, then played like asshats (love that word) until 15 minutes from time, then dead-eyed and clinical along the final stretch. They've now scored 17 goals in their last four games, all the while looking utterly inconsistent. I guess that may augur well for them: what on earth will they do if they ever properly click? "You don't score four against Porto if you're crap, do you?" adds Patrick Noctor. "Must be all that time spent doing nothing."


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