It's Dangerous to Go Alone: Finding Stability through GamingDecember 13, 2012 by

    Have you ever had that dream that you showed up to school or work with no pants? As awesome as wearing no pants would be, what you feel while your dreaming is intense embarrassment and humiliation. It's like a Black Friday sale for all of your insecurities. Opening up to people about your mental health is just like that, except it is real and can be an incredibly difficult thing to do. I decided to write this in part due to the. It's goal is to provide a window into someone else's story of anxiety or depression. It's been an incredible source of comfort, serving as a remind that it really is dangerous to go alone and that taking some help along the way isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.

Sick and Tired

    As a kid I was sick a lot; I would miss school all of the time. It's normal for there to occasionally be days where you would need to go to the front office and call mom or dad to come pick you up, but for me there were often weeks that I did this every day. I eventually got into a nice lull during middle school and the beginning of high school where these problems abated. We figured I had just grown out of being sickly. But around my junior year, things got bad again.     Mental health issues can be a slow burn. I thought things were fine, but there was something under the surface that started affecting all aspects of my life. I was sleeping less; I wasn't eating; I was nauseous; my body was always tense; I didn't want to leave my room. My doctor had no idea what was going on, "You're healthy," he assured my mother who just wanted someone to fix her son. I'm not sure when or how I came to the realization that I needed help, but I did. I told my parents that we needed to find me someone to fix this and do it soon.

Not Quite Green Vomit, But Almost.

    I've heard and read people compare a mental health disorder to drowning, being in a prison, or being a simmering restlessness and anger building within you. I've felt every one of those, but that's not exactly how I view living with anxiety and depression. To me it's more like—and forgive the hyperbole—being possessed. Remember that scene in The Exorcist when Regan writes "Help me" from the inside of her stomach? That's how anxiety makes me feel. Fully aware that it's ridiculous to be nervous about seeing a friend you haven't seen in a while; or using the phone to call someone you've never called; or writing a blog post about something incredibly personal even though there is a fair amount of anonymity; or…well, you get the picture. You're aware, but you're helpless. Untreated and swept under the rug, it builds. You find that sometimes it's debilitating, keeping you from getting out of bed in the morning or falling asleep at night. Your body is subject to whatever irrational anxiety or made up stress your brain decides to conjure up, and you can't do much about it. Sometimes it's less invasive, just an incessant, nagging thought in the back of your head that you can't seem to ignore. It permeates your whole being. Instead of being your own master, you're subject to what your brain commands, not the other way around.

Remember that scene in The Exorcist...? That's how anxiety makes me feel.

    So, I got help. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and mild depression. Now you'd think that this would feel awful, finding out that there is something wrong in your head; the exact opposite was true. It was liberating. Yes, something was wrong with me, but it had a name and I found out how to combat it. I was put on a regulatory anti-depressant and slowly started to live my life again. One of the misconceptions about anti-depressants and other mental health drugs, is that they just make you feel good. That's not what they do; they normalize the chemicals in your brain so you can start functioning again. But drugs are only one tool to help combat mental illness.

Take this. It's dangerous to go alone.

    You might be wondering, "Why is he posting this on a gaming site?" Well, that's because of another crucial tool: you need to find things that anchor you. For me, family and friends have been integral, but when things are really bad, where do I turn? Videogames and writing. There is a decent amount of anecdotal evidence stating that people with mental health disorders tend to gravitate towards the arts and videogames. I'd say that's probably true. Both allow for control: if I'm writing a short story or essay, the words are mine; if I'm painting something, the brushstrokes are mine; if I'm playing a game like Mass Effect or TellTale's The Walking Dead, the choices are mine. To be in control of something, when everything else in your life feels out of control, it's therapeutic. Don't mistake what I'm saying, retreating into gaming is not the answer, but using it as a tool certainly can be. Games force you to make hundreds of thousands of decision repeatedly. Inherently, they're stressful. When I'm in a game, I don't have time to worry about each shot fired, each jump made, or each conversation option selected. More often than not games only allow you enough time to react, and for me, that is why they are so special. They let me deal with my anxieties in a controlled environment where if I make a mistake it's ok. Playing through a fantasy world like Skyrim, tackling random people around the world in bouts of Playstation Allstars, or wracking my brain on how to quickly figure out a puzzle in Portal are entertaining experiences, for sure, but why I really love them is for giving me the tools to go out in the real world and not feel so unequipped. If you've read to the end of this, I appreciate it. If the things I wrote sound a little too familiar, reach out to someone. Remember, it is dangerous to go alone, but, you're not.

Author's Note: I originally wrote this piece the Thursday night before the tragic events happened in Newton, CT; as the story develops it seems as though the perpetrator did suffer from some sort of mental illness. I'm not trying to fabricate any gravitas for this piece, nor will I be so pompous so as to suggest that had he gotten proper treatment those events would not have happened. However, I do feel like it further solidifies a growing belief that there needs to be a national dialogue about mental health care in the United States. So I urge anyone who feels like they may suffer from these issues to just talk to someone, it helps more than you know.

-- Sebastian M.

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