Fashion Trends That Should Burn!

Simcha / October 28, 2008


Oversized Purses: Scientists could explain the phenomenon of black holes by studying the bags currently marketed to women. These enormous sacks are like bottomless pits of back pain. Plus, since I’m a shorty, a huge handbag will hide my hot bod because it’s nearly the size of my torso.
Open-Toed Boots (with or without socks): Why, oh, why, would anyone ever buy an open-toed boot?! What is the point of a boot that isn’t suitable for chilly weather, snow, and even just plain ol’ rain? It don’t make no sense! It’s just a pointless fad that will result in an increase of hypothermia.
Vinyl Belts: Wide, faux-leather belts make me sweat in a place I didn’t even know I could! Cinching your waist is so sexy…that is unless your belt is made of plastic and causes your waist to drip sweat like a fat kid running a mile in the middle of July. No matter how cute they look, it’s gotta be gross to wrap your arm around a gal only to discover a river runs through her. But the belt itself is a fabulous accessory, so there’s only one simple solution, fashion designers: USE LEATHER! (Sorry vegans!)
Heavy Earrings: Do your ears hang low, do they waggle to-and-fro? Well, then you’re probably a fashion victim. Sure, jumbo earrings can be fun – but often times they weigh too much. And plastic surgeons have been cashing in.
White Pants: You can’t sit down in them. You can’t wear them 3-7 days a month. You can’t wear them if it rains. If they’re tight, they spotlight any cellulite. If they’re baggy, you look like a nurse. You just can’t win with white pants.
Jersey Gauchos: Okay, if you were a suffragette back in the day, bloomers are okay. But now, honestly, just wear a frigging skirt or shorts or even a skort! Plus, the clingy fabric looks like two floppy arrows pointing directly to your camel toe.