Crazy 'Us Weekly' GuyTM Explains His Master Plan

Last week, we shared with you an email we received from a gentleman who from here on out we shall refer to as Crazy Us Weekly GuyTM. The man claimed that he communicated with God, his soulmate was a Hollywood actress, and his goal was to be #2 at Us Weekly so that he might present EIC Janice Min with his new "paradigm" for the success of the magazine (additionally, if we put him in touch, he'd bring us along at put us up at the top of the Us masthead as well). Well, shit — we'd LURVE to be the person at Us who scribbles the cute handwritten captions on the Just Like US page ("They drink iced coffee!" "They buy groceries!"), so we decided to take Crazy Us Weekly GuyTM up on his offer to explain his grand plan.

That was probably a mistake.

In our inbox we now have 9 emails with over 200 pages in attachments explaining how he's meant to be with Jessica Alba, detailing his Guide to God and destiny with Janice Min, and divulging his thoughts on the future.

We're not sure there's enough time in our lives to reprint all of it, but we're definitely going to try for some stellar chunks of this man's wisdom. Let's start with how Crazy Us Weekly GuyTM explains why he and Alba are fated to be together. Take note: this is just the first of six emails he sent on the matter of Alba, but reading one should give you the idea. Do read carefully — the later information he presents (and trust us, it will blow your mind) follows a similar train of thought to that below. And we wouldn't want you to miss a single beat of this psychotic ambrosia.


sign 1

during the credits of the movie batman returns, the following names appear in sequence:

mike chock
mary andrews
jessica gallavan

on the same screen, appear the names:

michael j. benavente
warren hamilton, jr

my name is michael j. b[redacted] (michael j. b.) and i worked at hamilton standard (now hamilton sundstrand) where i met my mentor [redacted].

on the same screen, appear the names:

oscar mitt
damon cohoon

matt damon wrote and starred in a movie called good will hunting. it takes place at MIT, and he won an oscar for his screenplay. batman returns came out in 1992, and good will hunting came out in 1997. god knows things before they happen - ALL the time.

lastly, on the same screen, is the name:

josie nericcio

jessica was in the movie never been kissed, starring drew barrymore (who plays a character named josie). look at the last name, nericcio:

n is short for infinite, er stands for emergency room, ic stands for I SEE, and cio looks like clo, which is short for a "kilo" of any addicting drug. this refers to another sign in the credits of jessica's movie, never been kissed. and it is definitely intense!
sign 2

my last girlfriend's name was [redacted], pronounced [redacted, sounds like "chi"] one of the creators of dark angel, a famous television series that jessica starred in, was charles h. eglee (C.H.E.). another movie that jessica starred in, was the sleeping dictionary.

thus the message [redacted] is formed, the name of my former girlfriend. the "s" in (sleeping) is the 19th letter of the alphabet, and jessica was 19-years old when i discovered her in maxim magazine, october 2000.

this strongly implies that the same force that organized my hookup with a girl named [redacted], who came to the USA from China, will organize my hookup with the actress jessica alba.

charles h. eglee's initials are C.H.E., the last name of my last girlfriend.

within the word "sleeping," is the word [redacted], the first name of my last girlfriend.

sign 3

jessica starred in a movie called into the blue, with paul walker. jessica's full name is jessica marie alba (JMA). A is the first (1) letter of the alphabet, converting JMA to JM1.

that looks like the name JAMI (with the "A" missing), so the message becomes "jami - walker."

jessica mentions, in entertainment weekly, 6/30/06, that "they were paying more than i had ever been paid before." green is a metaphor for money, and so the total message becomes:

jmi green - walker (= [redacted] - walker)

and in fact, i met and became involved with a girl named [redacted] at WALKER hall, MIT. she was part jewish, and she attended wellesley college, near MIT. this is the 2nd girl mentioned (a sign) from my past, through the natural occurrences of what jessica alba is involved in.

look at the word jewelers. that word can be rearranged to form the letters jeweles r. r is the 18th letter of the alphabet, and i was in love for the first time when i was 18. 18 is thus a symbol for love.

so the message becomes "r jeweles" which becomes "love jew from wellesley. this happened, and is evidence of god's will.

jessica's movie, into the blue, with paul walker.

sign 4

on page 38 of us weekly, june 6, 2005, jessica appears. on the next page, is the name richard o. croswell, on a credit card.

thus forming the name jessica cross, the name of my 1st girlfriend.

also, in jessica's movie (starring drew barrymore), never been kissed, in one scene jessica is wearing a t-shirt with a cross on it, thus repeating the message jessica cross.

this makes the names of 3 girls i was romantically involved with, 3 very unique names:

leeping che
jami greenberg- walker (MIT)
jessica cross

also of note, jessica was the name of my first girlfriend, and michael was the name of jessica's first boyfriend. thus forming the message "jessica is the one," and "michael is the one."

this is page 38 of us weekly. jessica is on it. on the next page is the word richard o. croswell, thus forming the name, jessica cross, a girl i was involved with. i went back to school; my ID has a "381" on it. look at the lower corner of this picture: 38 | looks like 381.

this is page 39 of us weekly. look at the name on the credit card. it is richard o. croswell. on page 38 is jessica, thus the name jessica cross is formed. a girl i was involved with. also of note is the word mbna - that looks like my name, m.[redacted].

signs 5 & 6

in us weekly, 6/6/05, jessica is on page 38, and on page 39, is a credit card by MBNA.

in jessica's movie honey, one of the characters (who's name is MICHAEL), wears a jacket by FILA.

That forms the name MICHAEL BNAFILA - and that looks a lot like my name, [redacted].

in jessica's movie (honey), michael's last name is ellis, and the word "poodle" is mentioned (in a scene in a barber shop) in the movie.

my mother had a poodle named ellie, so there can be no doubt that this sign refers to me.

in the previous slide is the name MBNA. combined with this picture the name MBNAFILA is formed, and that looks like my name, M.[redacted]. also, the name of this character in this picture is MICHAEL, forming the name MICHAEL [redacted] - my name.
sign 7

i attended a school for engineering called rensselaer polytechnic institute, near albany new york. one of the buildings was the johnnson engineering center (JEC). a "C" sometimes sounds like an "S."

thus the name JEC ALBA is formed = JES ALBA, the name of my soulmate.

one of the buildings at my first engineering school was the J.E.C. building, and my school was 10 minutes away from ALBANY, forming the name JEC ALBA (=JES ALBA).

sign 8

my graduate mailbox at umass was 62 for a long time. it is located near the graduate office, and 3 people reside in that office. 2 of which are stephanie albanese, and prof. soules.

6 looks like an upper case G, and G sometimes sounds like a J, as in Giant. and a 2 looks like the mirror image of S. thus the message becomes:

62 alba soul = GS alba soul = jes alba soulmate.

also of note is the number of their office, 210. stephanie's last name is pronounced alba-niece, and in episode 21 of dark angel, jessica is called "niece" by a character named donald lydecker.

my mailbox (barely visible) is 62 = GS = JS = JES

this office is right next to the student mailboxes. look at the name SOULES (pronounced souls) and ALBAnese. combined with my mailbox #62, the message 62 ALBA soul = GS ALBA soul = jes alba, soulmate. and jessica was called "nese=niece" in episode 21 of her series dark angel, season 1.
sign 9

i group up (until 7-8 years old) at 71 montgomery street, in chicopee, massachusetts. and our dog was named "ninja."

jessica and my age difference is 7 years and 1 day (71), one of the creator's of dark angel (which starred jessica) was charles h. eglee, nicknamed "chic," and in that series, jessica drives a ninja motorcycle.

the name montgomery, can be broken into mont and gomery, which can be rearranged to form mt on and gomery, which forms "mt on go mery." mt = mit, on = one.

i have aspirations for getting into MIT (mit) and being #1 (one), and go mery looks like go marry.

the message becomes, then: 71-chic-ninja (=jessica alba) & mit one (=me) go mery (=go marry).

sign #10

my last name is [redacted]. within that name are the letters: a - l - b - a (my soulmate's last name). that leaves the letters:

on f i i

within those letters are the letters: i - n - f, which is short for infinitely, leaving the letters:

o i

"o" looks like a circle or a ring, which is a symbol of unity or marriage. that leaves the letter


my last name, EXACTLY contains the message:

i inf o alba

again, inf is short for the word infinitely, and "o" is a symbol for marriage or unity.

and so the message becomes:

i infinitely married (o) - alba.

sign 11

i have a picture of a license plate, 2728WD. 27 is my birthday, 28 is jessica's birthday, and WD is short for wed.

the message is:

mike (27) and jessica (28) wed (become married).

27 is my birthday, 28 is jessica's birthday, and WD is short for WED. the message is mike (27) and jessica (28) wed (WD).
sign 12

a famous spiritual doctor named deepak chopra, wrote 2 books (among others) - soulmate and a book on golf. when combined, they form the message:

"your soulmate golfs."

and in fact jessica alba does golf!


GOLF. so the message becomes: SOULMATE GOLF = your soulmate golfs (she does!)

Earlier: Janice Min, Your Soulmate Awaits