Tired of "Blame the Parent" Attitude?

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Tired of "Blame the Parent" Attitude?
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 2:11pm

A controversial article came out in the NY Times earlier this week about ADHD, the author was stating that a lot of kids are overmedicated for ADHD, and also says that there is less genetic link versus how the child is raised.

Avatar for ubergeek
Community Leader
Registered: 09-23-2010
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 2:20pm

My 10-year-old has slight ADHD, amongst other issues. He's in special needs classes, has been since pre-k. Though he is being mainstreamed a lot more the past year.

Anyway, it does make me angry when parents who have not been in my shoes see his behavior and think 'well that's how they're parenting.' It's not. DS, while not on medication, is all over the place at times. And there is nothing I can do about it parenting wise. It's who he is and how his brain works. What I can do as a parent is change his environment so that the situation works better for him. I'm not naive. I know he's got issues. I know what he can and can not handle. But no amount of me yelling at him to pay attention or telling him to sit still is going to work. (As much as others would wish so.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2011
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 5:05pm

I was one of those "blame the parents" types until my 8 yo daughter was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 10:34am
I have seen parents and teachers do the blame the parent. I had a parent tell me she didn't believe in ADHD right after my son was diagnosed, saying it was diet or bad parenting. Yet, my oldest and youngest are not that way, and she could see that my son was all over the place. It really annoyed me.

Overall though, I have not been one to blame myself. My son has other special needs and it never really crossed my mind that I might be to blame. I think that was due to my experience with my younger brother and sister being born when I was 11 and 18 and the fact that I worked at a large preschool in college so I had a pretty good idea of what was "normal." I can see how others who didn't have that experience might feel differently.

But people can be very judging of what they are not living, and our society seems to have a "Blame The Parents First" attitude. One mom at the preschool had a baby that failed to thrive like her older son. The workers blamed the mom (not sure why, didn't make sense to me as she knew how to care for babies.) The doctor even called CPS on the mom and she almost had both kids taken away because they couldn't explain why the baby wasn't growing. Finally someone suggested a series of exams. It turned out the baby's brain had not formed properly and he had basically a brain stem and not much else. Unfortunately, the women at the daycare never apologized. I was REALLY annoyed.

Mostly when it comes to my family, I try to ignore it. My kids are who they are, and what other people say isn't going to help one whit.
Community Leader
Registered: 04-07-2008
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 8:49am

I think it is very interesting and there are some valid concerns of over-medication. My daughter has ADHD like symptoms

Community Leader

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2012
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 10:15pm
Usually the people that assume my parenting has to do with my son's developmental disorder (adhd) are people that do not know a single thing about me. I have not really had this issue though as I am fairly strict, regardless of the fact that he's 8 and im 25 (meaning I had him when I was still a child myself).

The school knows better than to assume it's MY fault he is that way because I am so hands-on with every aspect of his education and his behavior while in school - they also much appreciate him being medicated as they clearly know the difference now ( i have sent him to school un-medicated a few times and they DEFINITELY noticed).

I don't even bother explaining myself to people who are too ignorant to research fact and choose to push their opinions on me about discipline or their feeling of my "lack thereof" due to his actions. Chances are I am just as much of a disciplinarian as their parents were - im very "old school" in the non-abusive ways of parenting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2007

New to all this, I was viewing older posts and came across this one, which definitely hit home. It's so funny because I have questioned myself regarding my son (and experienced 2 teacher conferences re: him last school year, which I felt were "deal w/ your son" sessions). Yet I have a daughter 1 year older who is pretty much a model child. Same home, same parenting.

I am trying to worry less about what folks think (it's a process). The other day while waiting w/ my son for my daughter's vision therapy to wrap up, I had him reading an assigned book. He started out sitting but ended up on his feet and holding onto the chair while moving his feet around a bit - but he was reading, and if the movement helped him focus, so be it. I didn't give 2 winks what other parents in the room were thinking.