

Why we need a cure for World Cup fever, stat!


Now I’m as patriotic as the next gal, even my china’s made in America but this whole soccer thing, I just don’t get it.  So many people freaking out about soccer.  Soccer!  Sure it only happens once every four years and yes, the US is never usually in it but it’s SOCCER!  90+ minutes of no action soccer!  Then there’s the weird time keeping system, the stupid chants from the crowd, I don’t get it.


Here’s the thing, at least I admit that I don’t get it.  about 95% of the country doesn’t get it but they’re still excited about these boring snooze fests and posting about how drunk they are while watching this stupid ‘lower half of the body only’ game.  For the next few weeks, the same douchebags that went out in a fedora, tank top and nipple piercings last month will be wearing USA bandanas and Manchester United shirts.

This isn’t a rant about a sport just because I hate it.  I hate baseball too and think it’s boring but here’s the big difference- if you ask anyone on the street I bet they can name more than two baseball players but that’s not the same with soccer.  David Beckham and Pele and they aren’t even in the world cup this year.  Then there’s the chick who took her shirt off and the guy in the last World Cup with the giant teeth.  That’s the best I can do and it’s better than most people!  (And no, it doesn’t count if you only know these players from watching this year)

Here are some soccer stats

  • Only 3.8% of Americans consider soccer their ‘favorite sport’
  • More people play Ultimate Frisbee than soccer (4.9 million vs 3.1)
  • The name of the geometric design on a soccer ball is called a truncated icosahedron.  This doesn’t mean anything I just thought it was cool
  • About 500,000 people watched the 2013 MLS cup (which stands for Major League Soccer but no one knows or cares) which is about the same number as those that watched Law & Order SVU in syndication Wednesday night on the USA channel.  USA!  USA!  USA!


Sure most of the world loves soccer but most of the world hates us!  Let them have this one, ok?  It’s not worth it.  And why do we even care what happens?  Spoiler alert- the US isn’t going to win the World Cup.  We’ve done better than we have in years but big deal, that and a kick to the groin gets you a red card.  Maybe it’s patriotism, maybe people say they just want the US to be the best in the world at something but why does that something have to be soccer?  We’re already #1 in football, basketball, rich people, wars started and that’s a lot.  We don’t have to be the best at everything do we?  How about this, every four years we focus on being the best at math or healthcare or fewest school shootings instead of a dumb sport that will end up being 1-0 or a tie.  In the meantime, let’s all decide to let a country that doesn’t have much like Uruguay or the Netherlands have this one and we’ll spend our time focusing on what Americans normally watch on TV- rednecks acting stupid.

Jaye McBride is a comedian who’s performed in LA, NY and performs regularly at the Comedy Works.  Be sure to follow her on twitter or facebook @jayemcbride and

PS  After writing this, I read that Ann Coulter wrote a piece about her anger towards soccer but I assure you that we share nothing in common.  Except maybe that we’ve both been called a ‘tranny’

Jaye McBride

One Response

  1. Megan says:

    In defense of this sport which the rest of the world acknowledges as “the beautiful game,” I think what you’re so mystified by is the lack of instant gratification that comes with our American sports like basketball, football and even baseball.

    –careful, I’m about to wax poetic–

    Soccer is nuanced, and the joy in watching the game comes from understanding the skill it takes to play it– the finely-tuned instruments these players’ bodies are. Understand, you have to be able to all out sprint for 90 minutes, AND also do near acrobatic maneuvers with such precision — and at a moment’s notice — that the merest angle of your foot and even head can mean the difference between victory and defeat. And never mind that you have to work tirelessly just to possess the ball at all. There’s no innings, no 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th downs to allow for you to try to score. It’s whether you can outpace, outmaneuver and ultimately outlast your opponent.

    So, when a goal is made, it is insanely gratifying because of the work that was put into it.

    Nevermind, too, that this is our chance every four years to put ourselves at a level playing field with the rest of the world– to work to compete with nations that are still developing, who have noting in common with us until our teams are on that pitch. We get to relate to the world on an incredible level during the World Cup.

    I truly believe that showing the world we can embrace the game they love so much does more for American diplomacy than any peace treaty or aid we could give them.

    I’d encourage you to watch it with an open mind and try to see what all us World Cup fans do. It’s not about being hardcore all the time, it’s about paying attention every four years, proudly sending and supporting your team, and being citizens of the world.

    I’d also encourage you to just let us enjoy it for goodness’ sake. Jeez Louise! Who care what you think, especially if you don’t get it?!

    You say you don’t have anything in common with Coulter, but in this case I’d say it’s criticizing something you’re not even trying to understand.