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Why Do I Find Sex Degrading? How Can I Fix This?
Nicoleneedshelp posted:
Hey everyone! My name is Nicole, and I am twenty years old. I decided to post on here because I'm having a serious problem concerning my attitude on sex and men, and I'd really like to change it.
I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a guy who is 23 (7 months in) and he is the absolute sweetest. He is very caring, very concerned, he makes me laugh and he misses me often. He's great! And I love him very much. However, going out with him has awoken certain things and opinions in me that I used to not hold so strongly.
For a long time, I was afraid of sex, and it kept me a virgin. I found it animalistic, embarrassing, and degrading. The thought of someone I loved doing that with me inspired more fear and very slight disgust than it did love or connection. It's what kept me from having sex with my first boyfriend. I've always been very sensitive to sex, however my current boyfriend took my virginity (with my consent obviously) and it was, well, fine. I thought that having sex would eliminate the fear and the other feelings but...I'm afraid it's only exacerbated it. Instead, now it feels like I have no excuse for not wanting to have sex really.
Now, that's not to say that it isn't enjoyable (it is!), but for SOME insufferable reason, emotionally, I just can't get myself to NOT think it's degrading to me. Logically, I have nothing against sex. I mean, I don't understand the obsession with it, but I get that it's not bad. However, emotionally, I can't seem to catch up. I get angry at men for their adamant sex drives and for the general societal obsession of sex over connection and relationships.
I'm getting pretty fed up, because it's making me start to resent my very caring boyfriend for having a normal sex drive. I start to feel sick when he visits because I know it means we're going to have sex. I start to wrongfully perceive him as a sex-crazed animal. This even makes me not want to kiss or cuddle sometimes because I feel like he's just thinking about when we have sex or that it's invitation to it. I become resentful that sex is so important to everyone and has the strong potential to end many meaningful relationships. I can't help but feel like a slut when I'm doing it, even though it's with someone I love, and it makes me feel a heavy amount of shame before and after we do it. I've talked to him very much about this, and about my views, and he gets very understandably upset. However, it's not about him, or a lack of attraction to him or anything, it simply boils down to my general attitude towards sex. He's willing to help me when he would just get frustrated before, which is a notable improvement that I'm happy about. I just feel bad, because it makes him feel like it's his fault when it's not!

Help! This whole situation is extremely frustrating. I'd like to have a normal person's view on sex, and just be able to enjoy it instead of harboring this shame, fear, and disgust towards it. Is there anyone who can help me out? I'd really appreciate it. Is there a possibility I could just have a very very low libido? Is there a way to fix this? Thanks so much!

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stevesmw responded:
Lovemaking should be beautiful and natural. In your post you didn't mention any past negative experiences or how you were raised regarding sex.

The first step would be to talk to therapist and get a better understanding of who you are and why you are the way you are. If you can't find a root cause for your attitude toward sex, than you can accept yourself.

My wife was sexually abused at a very young age and the memories didn't surface until she saw a therapist on another matter. Early in our relationship she enjoyed sex a lot and was ok with a variety of fairly normal sexual activities. Later on, it was only intercourse without foreplay and now we probably haven't made love in a year. We sleep together holding each other, but touching her breasts in the most gentle way freaks her out. When we did make love and only then did she want her breasts touched.
fcl replied to stevesmw's response:
I agree. You've tried to get past this on your own and you're finding that you cannot. Please see a therapist about this before you involuntarily sabotage your relationship. It would be a shame to lose someone you loved when there is help out there.

Good luck
Anon_73250 responded:
You are not alone in your attitude towards sex. I, too, feel the same way, and I am also a woman in my 20s. I have no advice, but you are not alone in how you feel about this topic.
EpigeneticsAZ responded:
After 4 years of abstinence before marriage and almost 33years abstinence after , the best and most honest thing is to tell your boyfriend that you are having trouble in this area and until you get it resolved let him go. The suffering and misery that you will cause him and yourself in the future unless you get this rectified will be endless and cruel to any man. I know becuase I was the one who heard every excuse in the book why until I finally said I quit! I am not sure what your needs are in the relationship but, unless you are willing to meet the physical needs of your partner you are destined for a barrage of endless misery.
An_252181 responded:
I am a male now 63 years old (married 19 years) and I have always felt that sex was disgusting. It's so animalistic. People say it's a natural part of loving someone, but look at the poll results of your post. 67% of the people responded that they had sex for excitement (I.E. to satisfy their subconconse "animal drive" for sex). My wife and I did it a few times and she enjoyed the drug like feeling of euphoria that followed it. I on the other hand hated the feeling of loss of mental control after sex. The sex was done as a seperate act and not part of a session of huggling and cuddling which we love to do every day. People that talk about forplay before sex are talking about the early phases of sexual stimulation not the closeness that loving is about. Obviously you need to have sex to have a family s0 sex is a necessary drive to keep the population going. Note that 19% said that they had sex with love. I bet that all 19% mean that they love seeing their partner get excited and seem satisfied at the conclusion. I think it is a misnomer to call it lovemaking. It seems to me to be a pure and simple animal drive necessary for the production of babies.
My wife and I only had sex a few times when we got married and haven't had it since. Were too old to have a family and so we see no need for it. She has come to realize that she would much rather have the warmth and caring expressed in huggling, cuddling and holding hands that the short rush obtained from sex. For many people sex is like a drug; you get a high and then you get a low unless you take another hit of the drug.
All people are different. Talk to your boyfriend and explain how you feel about love and how you feel about sex. Like people on drugs most people that have sex for excitement will become upset if they don't get it. Talk to your boyfriend and explain how you view love and how you view sex. If you like to huggle, cuddle, and hold hands rather than have sex and only have sex to make babies tell him that and see how he responds.
Like I said, all people are different. If this is who you are then you need to find someone with similar feelings and build a relationship with them. The compatibility of huggling, cuddling and the sex are all important in a relationship. When I say sex I don't mean having sex I mean agreeing on what sex means to each of you and when you feel it is appropriate. All three are necessary for a good relationship.
You are still young and if he can't understand your feeling on these subjects then he isn't the one for you. Only time will tell but don't try to change your future partner if your not compatible. A relationship isn't about where you go, what he buys you or if he gives you flowers, it's about if he understands you and your needs and you understand him and his needs.
stevesmw replied to An_252181's response:
I completely disagree with your characterization of lovemaking.
I consume very little alcohol for the same reason you don't want to engage in sex. I've never taken recreational drugs and only take prescription pain killers when absolutely necessary.

Sex is pleasure; giving and receiving. Pleasure can be eating chocolate, the sun warming your body, cuddling, holding hands, spooning.

Sex is sometimes building up tension and a release and the euphoria that follows. I have got to a state lovemaking when there isn't tension just a warm and fuzzy feeling like a hug but more intense and a climax isn't even necessary. I've fallen asleep making love without a climax.

I would have questions about your childhood and how you were raised. Most males masturbate as soon as they are able and become acclimated to their climax. You probably skipped that.
If you can't stand having a climax your probably don't masturbate. I've heard of people who find intercourse disgusting, but are fine with masturbation.

Other than sex how to you feel about your wife's body? Do you like looking at it? Have you ever given her a whole body massage? Would you find that disgusting?
An_252181 replied to stevesmw's response:
Such agression Steve. And so judgemental assuming that everyone needs to be like you or there is something wrong with them. By that logic Einstein had something wrong with him because he didn't fit your definition of normal. Different isn't bad - just different - and everyone is different.
You must have missed the part where I said everyone was different. And you must not believe it.
Lets not confuse Nicole. You (read your last reply) seem to use the words "lovemaking", "sex", and "intercourse" interchangably and it causes confusion. For me, lovemaking includes all the things that bring you and your partner together. Sex is more specific and can be included in lovemaking. Intercourse is even more specific and can be included in sex. With that in mind, I would have used the word "lovemaking" to start your second paragraph rather than sex. I also would have started the third paragraph with "intercourse" rather than sex.
I actually like some of your original response from 4 weeks ago. I like the part about "Lovemaking should be beautiful and natural". Interestingly you used the word "lovemaking" not sex or intercourse.
The real point I was making is find yourself then find a partner that you can enjoy lovemaking with.
So lets stick with giving Nicole our thoughts and our experiences and let her make her decisions.
And finally in response to your last two rude paragraphs, my wife and I have been happily married for 19 years - enough said.
stevesmw replied to An_252181's response:
My response was to you. I thought you came on strong. Reread some of your comments.

Different isn't bad but it may fall outside of what is normal.
Many people strive for normal. From what you posted, you and your wife are at equilibrium and so things work.

Nicole's relationship is not and she is looking for answers.

My wife and I have been married for 33 years. The relationship started out sexual and my wife and I are both sexual people.
Due too my wife's PTSD, sex went from sporadic to non existent. We have a close loving relationship, but one that is sexually frustrating to me. It's not something to discuss or negotiate, it is what it is.
saintsgirl62 responded:
Nicole, you are a very young woman just starting her sexual experiences. Please seek professional help with this abhorance toward something so beautiful and rewarding. And I don't mean by sexual release alone. A healthy sex life is far from dirty or animalistic. My husband and I have been married 34 years. We dated 8 months before deciding to "go all the way". I was a virgin and scared to death. His love, patience and understanding squelched my fears. I grew up very sheltered and sex prior to marriage was taboo and once married was considered a "duty". I sounded all so clinical. I was told by my mother how painfull the first time would be. Of course this would scare any young lady. Thankfully, I had a very tender partner who put my fears as ease. Without his genuine love and respect for me, I don't think I would have the mind set toward sex that I do today. Not that it's significant, but I was 17 and he 20. Our sex life is still active and healthy. The intimacy we've shared over the years has grown and that is a very important aspect to have in the relationship. I wish you the best in your endeavor to find the answers you're seeking.
ktange replied to Anon_73250's response:
I stand in solidarity with the both of you in feeling this way

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