Ferguson, Benitez, Hiddink, and Wenger on a Deserted Island: Episode One

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(Photo by Ian Waldie/Getty Images)

On their flight to the International League Managers conference in Hawaii, the plane carrying messrs Ferguson, Benitez, Hiddink, and Wenger crash lands on a deserted island—what other island could it have crashed on? An inhabited one?

Well this tale would have been over quite quickly. These deserted islands do seem to appear with alarming regularity in movies and dramas (not mentioning one particular drama series that has been running for four seasons) but they do make a great setting for a story—so on with this tale.

Benitez staggers out of the  burning wreckage first—or so he believes. Hiddink is already on the beach, trousers rolled up, basking in the glorious sun, oblivious to the plane wreckage scattered around him—does nothing phase him?

Wenger opens his eyes. He does not remember much of the last minutes of the flight. He looks around. He must have been thrown out of the plane before it crashed. He fails to see the dead pilot next to him—fortunately for him it's not the first time he has missed something right in front of him.

Wenger shouts out to Benitez, "What happened? Where is everyone?" Benitez turns around and sees Wenger, he fumbles around in his pockets and pulls out a piece of paper. "Well the facts are these; No. 1—our plane has crashed. No. 2—Meester Ferguuson confronted the pilot before the plane crashed. No. 3—there are only three survivors. No. 4—Arsenal are still fourth in the Premier League. And that is all I have to say on this matter."

Wenger gets up and walks over to Benitez. Hiddink is idly wading in the water. Wenger asks Benitez: "What's up with him?", pointing towards Hiddink. Benitez takes one look: "He's Dutch." Wenger nods in agreement.

They both scour the wreckage, looking for anything that may be of use. They find little other than a few water bottles and a sandwich.

Perspiring, Benitez sits down cross legged, opens the sandwich and offers half to Wenger—who accepts.

As Wenger sits down he notices he has lost his watch. "Rafa do you know what time it is?" Benitez looks for his own watch but realises he must have lost it as well. He shouts out to Hiddink "Guus, what time is it?"

Guus turns round. "It's..." He's cut off by the thundering voice of Ferguson

"It's time yer got yer asses off me beach." Wenger and Benitez turn around in horror. "Aye been out and about for the last two hours and this is now me island, and you sods can bloody well get off it right now!" Ferguson stomps over. He is stripped to his waist, wearing a red "Rambo-esque" headband.

Benitez is furiously looking for his piece of paper as Wenger formulates his response: "How is it your island?"

"Well I was the first one oot the plane and I claimed this island as my own. I dinny sees you claim it first," Ferguson glowers at Wenger. A shocked Wenger responds: "What—you left us to die in the plane? You didn't think to check for survivors?"

"Well where I come from winner takes all, and anyway yous are alright. So there nay problem here. Now get off me island."


End of part one.

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