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Give Your Husband a Performance Review

Why limit year-end progress reports to the workplace?

My husband has a stack of year-end reviews on his desk—reviews from his bosses, reviews by his peers, reviews of his staff. And then there's one from me. What started as a joke between us 10 years ago—over piles of socks left on the floor—has become a yearly tradition: our year-end review as a couple.

Here's to you, dear. And now let me tell you about your areas for improvement… ENLARGE
Here's to you, dear. And now let me tell you about your areas for improvement… Everett Collection

Performance reviews, for better or worse, have long been a staple of corporate America. Outside the office, I've found that they can also open up a whole new way of communicating with family and close friends. And they're a handy way to air minor grievances.

Why limit year-end progress reports to the workplace? Give loved ones a review. Jennifer Wallace reports on Lunch Break. Photo: Jennifer Wallace.

Several couples I know have their own version of a yearly performance review. One refers to it as the "State of Our Union." Another takes a more serious approach to what they call their annual "Board of Directors Meeting," complete with a formal agenda in four sections: personal, professional, philanthropic and spiritual. A couple with adult children makes their review a full-family affair, with a psychologist on hand in case the conversation gets heated. In explaining why he conducts reviews at home, a friend said, "Sometimes I think we're more honest with people at work than we are with our own family."

For our own review, my husband and I talk over dinner about our "accomplishments" over the past year as a couple, the "areas for improvement," the "goals" we want to set for the year ahead and the "next steps" we are going to take to get there. Comments run the gamut from petty complaints, like laundry on the floor, to important goals, like setting time alone as a couple. These reviews force us to focus and reflect on the big picture, to give priority to what's really important to us in our very busy lives.

Our review generally takes place close to New Year's Eve, making it a handy New Year's resolution list, albeit one written by another person. The tone of ours tends to be tongue-in-cheek. For more serious reviewers, a friend suggests adopting what's called the "hamburger technique." Structure your review as if it were a hamburger: soft bun to start (ease in with compliments), solid meat (the big criticism), lettuce (room to grow), then finish with another soft bun (more closing compliments).

Our annual review has even grown to include family and close friends. Everyone who has heard about it seems interested in giving it a try, perhaps because there aren't very many socially acceptable ways to tell friends about the little things that bother you. That's where the review comes in handy.

When a couple close to us heard about our couple's review ritual, they requested to be reviewed on the spot—and then turned around and reviewed us, too. Apparently, I'm not so good at keeping my calendar and have canceled on them more times than I should have. They suggested that I turn the scheduling over to my husband, who now books our monthly get-togethers. On the rare occasion that we have to postpone a dinner now, they jokingly—or not so jokingly—say, "Don't think this won't come up in your review."

A friend I've known for 20 years was habitually late—really late—to our dinners. Over dinner a couple of years ago, I told her I was giving our friendship a year-end review. She laughed, and I said, "You have always been there for me, and I trust you completely as a friend. I also trust that you're going to be at least a half-hour late every time we meet." She nodded, smiled and took the comments in the spirit they were given. And she's never been late again.

Not everyone is as open to being reviewed. My advice: Know your audience and your boundaries. Drinks with a friend turned into an impromptu, year-end intervention for one woman I know. After a positive start, the "reviewer" launched into a critique of the friend's boyfriend, citing unsolicited "areas for improvement," and encouraged her friend to end the relationship. The friendship never recovered. Some feedback is better left unsaid.

In a controversial move, my husband took the initiative last year to write up a review of my mother. That's right, a review of his mother-in-law. He handed her an envelope on Christmas morning with the words "Year-End Review" plastered in bold across the front. Pale-faced, she opened it—and then started to smile as she read her glowing reviews as a mother and grandmother. Scanning to the bottom, she found an area for improvement: Meatball production down from peak in 2010.

The review worked. We now always have a freezer full of meatballs.

—Ms. Wallace is a writer in New York.

Geraldo Bustone
Geraldo Bustone user

I think someone wants to sell a book...and some wife is going to buy it, follow it to the letter and one evening, announce to her husband that they should do an annual marriage review. That's when the fun starts.

Stan Burman
Stan Burman subscriber

Some articles in the WSJ remind me how happy I am to be retired - and single.

Cynthia McClendon
Cynthia McClendon subscriber

I would add never criticize your husband, either. He may not show on the surface that you hurt him, but it will definitely shift the relationship and not for the better.

Craig Mundo
Craig Mundo subscriber

This is a perfect recipe for our nation with already sky high divorce rates. With these performance reviews, we can reach for the moon now on divorce rates.

Paula Dowling
Paula Dowling

Two single women were looking for husbands so they went to the husband store.

In the first level, they found caring man willing to compromise on everything. Then they saw an arrow to the second level. "Oh let's go check out the second level, they got to have something better!"

In the second floor, they found husbands not only as good as in the first level but the husbands in this section also cooked every day and told their wives how much they loved and understood them. Then they saw the sign to the third level. The women agreed: "these husbands are very good but let's check out the third floor. I bet they're much better!"

At the third level, they found husbands with the same characteristics as the previous floor but these husbands also took care of the kids and made arrangements to celebrate anything their wives wanted and were so romantic they hugged and kissed their wives even in their worst days. Then the saw the sign to the fourth level. "Wow! The women said, these husbands are incredible but there's another floor with better husbands! Let's check it out!"

The fourth level was completely empty and there was a huge sign that said "this level is here to prove that women can not pleased with anything."

Paula Dowling
Paula Dowling

Annual performance? LOL, the person who wrote this is not married. I get spouse performance evaluations on a daily basis, sometimes even more than one!

Wiley Wright
Wiley Wright subscriber

That is the case in the corporate world too. A male boss gets over mistakes, a female one, never...

GENE EVERETT subscriber

Here' my wife's review of me: "You're an a-----e"

Samuel Ewing
Samuel Ewing user

Do you decorate the aluminum pole and wrestle afterwards?

Charleen Larson
Charleen Larson subscriber


Spare us, Ms. Wallace.

All too soon he'll be gone and you'll be wishing you had piles of socks left on the floor.

GEORGE SARANT subscriber

The writer probably has a pre-nuptial too. True love doesn't require this kind of nonsense. You intuit the feelings of your spouse and act accordingly.

Chris Mante
Chris Mante

Uh-huh. Just like they do in North Korea?


I get instant feedback,, so no need for periodic reviews.

spencer rowe
spencer rowe subscriber

My year-end Performance Review of the WSJ:

Too much fluff.

Michael Zito
Michael Zito subscriber

Modern America is constantly improving, but unfortunately if you must formally meet around the board table to go over why you are happily married, I'm afraid you are not. The New America now has big thinkers who have new ideas. The latest comes from our gay married friends. Some are suggesting that marriages be short-term contracts not life-long commitments. Yes, the day will come when after 3 to 5 years, you both meet around the board table to discuss whether or not to extend the contract.

Can you feel the love?

America is broken and anyone who has to ask, "do you love me", should already know the answer.

Mike Cohen
Mike Cohen subscriber

This invites the reverse. This means we have a .'why you suck' result BEFORE anything positive can be accomplished. The only viable alternative is the Ray Romano incompetency protocol. You screw up everything so the wife takes responsibility and all actions, thus any fault goes there. Your review is always NEEDS IMPROVEMENT, but you don't care, and you can nit pick her actions and she will feel guilty.


Philip Wright
Philip Wright subscriber

Whats the big deal here or new. I get one on the hour .

ERIC HUDNELL subscriber

If you have to have an annual performance review to communicate with your spouse, it's probably time to get a divorce. Feedback and communication happens real-time and not as a surprise topic at an annual review. The review is merely a discussion of your raise, or lack thereof.

Ted Howard
Ted Howard subscriber

This recalls the old SNL skit, "Bad Idea Jeans." ... "Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?" or "I thought about it, and even though it's over, I'm going to tell my wife about the affair." Sorry, this concept probably works for very few couples.

Cynthia McClendon
Cynthia McClendon subscriber

One reason my husband and I are still happily married after 35 years is 1) we look at what we love about each other 2) remind each other often of what we love about each other and 3) we are each other's safe place and our home is a place of refuge where our family is safe from the ravages of the outside world.

Tom Byrnes
Tom Byrnes subscriber

And WASP women wonder why they can't find men, especially ones who want to have children with them?

She should go see 'The Taming of the Shrew".

If this is the state of marriage among the "elite" then it is no wonder the seething underclass are on the rise.

Stephen Walker
Stephen Walker profilePrivateuser

I hope the author of this article reads the comment section here.

Raymond Woo
Raymond Woo subscriberprofilePrivate

So is staying single like being your own boss in business. Many start businesses because they don't like being told what to do as an employee.

Dard Hunter
Dard Hunter subscriber

Fare thee well, former standard of journalism. What drivel.

Tira Grey
Tira Grey

Good grief - these folks on here need to get a sense of humor. So serious! Loved this article. Sent it to all of my friends and everyone responded that they want to start implementing this stat. If nothing else this gets to the fundamental message that good communication - business or personal - is well rewarded.

Ted Moore
Ted Moore subscriber

How about, the first time your friend showed up late for a dinner, dealing with it then?

GARY FIELD subscriber

In the workplace, most people have trouble separating professional criticism from personal criticism (despite their assurances that this is not the case). Obviously, personalities differ, but this kind of annual review could prove to be an unmitigated disaster for many couples.

Anyway, from what I have read in the management literature, negative AND positive comments are best conveyed as part of an ongoing mentoring process throughout the year, not as part of a yearly post mortem. After all, jointly established plans, whether in an organization or a marriage, implies a joint supportive effort.

Kimberley Stewart
Kimberley Stewart

Thank you to the author -- this is excellent! I also know many couples that do this weekly, monthly, and/or yearly. It is not as formal as a business performance review would be, but it is critical to the health and invigoration of every marriage to sit down with your spouse and discuss your goals as individuals, as a couple, and as a family; where you are on the path to achieving those goals; what needs course correction; and how can you as individuals, a couple, and a family find more ways to be together and support each other.

If you're worried about how this conversation is going to turn out, start by meeting as a couple with a marriage and family counselor, so you have a relationship expert to guide you in how to hold "State of the Union" conversations in a healthy, positive, and productive way that is caring, respectful, and loving. This will save A LOT of marriages, a lot of broken hearts, and broken homes.

If you're not ready to sacrifice, make improvements, and grow in a marriage, you're not ready for marriage.

Laura Jean
Laura Jean subscriber

There is a time when your spouse is ready to hear your feedback. You have to wait for that time, and you know when its time because you love them. The only reason employer /employee evaluations are timed and once a year is because there is no love between them - no sensitivity to whether they are ready to talk or listen.

Year end spouse evaluations. I think we are officially out of ways to bastardize the meanning of marriage.

dean oestreich
dean oestreich user

if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, don't give a performance review to your wife. If you feel that she is perfect for you, don't say improvements are due........

Stephen Keith
Stephen Keith user

Bosses give reviews to subordinates at work, correct? So who else but the wife is going to give a review to the husband? She's his boss. It's been that way since long before suffrage and equal economic opportunities arose to tilt, er, level the playing field.

Valerie Donovan
Valerie Donovan subscriberprofilePrivate

Totally agree - we celebrated 26 years married/36 years together yesterday - a relationship is far more precious and more fragile than a work arrangement - don't jeopardize it for some stupid concept you read in the paper!

Joann Walsh
Joann Walsh user

it also helps that you've learned to ignore the strange lipstick on his shirts and the smell of cheap perfume

James Domingo
James Domingo subscriberprofilePrivate

Everyone who has ever worked in the corporate world understands that performance reviews are the exact opposite of "good communication."

Taking an extremely flawed concept from the workplace and applying it at home will suddenly cause that concept to work well?

Then how about putting your spouse in a "performance improvement program" and sending a copy to your employment attorney so that you have the paper trail in case things end up in litigation.

And what will be the reward for a good review, a "merit increase?" Or a $25 gift card from Giant Eagle?

Sorry, but this idea is utter stupidity.

Michael Baldridge
Michael Baldridge subscriber

We start dinners on the time we say we will. If you're late, you miss out. I can't remember the last time someone was late.

Geraldo Bustone
Geraldo Bustone user

On what planet do you reside? know lots of couples who do this, and they of course, tell you about it. That's odd, I don't have any idea how our married friends handle their marriages nor do I care.
Marriage is not an 'employer-employee' relationship and is not the kind that needs weekly, monthly, or annual reviews? You stay married by communicating on a daily basis and accepting each others shortcomings instead of having a "review session" to "help" the other improve same.
I would suspect that your and your fellow wives have numerous conversations about the next round of reviews and by what means you can further 'make improvements'. I feel sorry for your spouses.

Cynthia McClendon
Cynthia McClendon subscriber

Before I let any counselor near my family they would have to have a successful marriage/family life themselves. My counselors over the years have been family and friends who were successfully doing what I wanted to do. (And I work in psych)


If you need the conversation you are already in trouble.

Charleen Larson
Charleen Larson subscriber

On the other hand, actual adults treat each other like adults, with tenderness, compassion and consideration, not like fragile porcelain dolls that can only be handled in the presence of family counselors.

Let me guess: Your degree is in Psych.

Roxie Radke
Roxie Radke user


I can hear the laughter right now if I actually suggested year-end evaluations to my husband. Home is *supposed* to be different from work. Formal evaluations stink unless they are 100% "you're awesome". We talk as much as our busy lives allow -- we try not to wait for a formal time if we can.

Robert Girard
Robert Girard subscriber

Talk to a personnel supervisor about how performance "reviews" work. For the most part when it comes to support,staff everyone is, at the very least, "above average" unless they are on the verge of being fired for incompetence. Most supervisors understand that giving a subordinate a less than stellar performance review is a recipe for unhappiness and the likelihood that the business and your performance will suffer as you incur the costs associated with recruiting and training a replacement. Pretty much the same standards hold true for board evaluations of CEOs. Either they are "great" or they are gone.

Charleen Larson
Charleen Larson subscriber

"She's his boss."

We've had this discussion before and I still don't understand why you think anyone, man or woman, would want to be in that kind of situation. I would never let him get away with snidely referring to me as the boss. That's just a way to hold onto resentment without confronting the underlying issue.

Laura Jean
Laura Jean subscriber

My husband's good friend refers to his wife as the boss. In front of their kids. I don't know, it bothers me. Makes him sound angry and weak.

I wouldn't like my husband calling me his boss. Takes away from who I really am and what we really have.

Diane Thorton
Diane Thorton subscriber

Ms. Walsh:

ee cummings has a lock on the 'no caps' thing...

In this forum one refrains from personal attacks, regardless of how bitter and miserable the poster may be.

Geraldo Bustone
Geraldo Bustone user

Thank God for someone who does! There is nothing more aggravating than showing up the set time and have to sit around for another hour having drinks and "chatting". Can't we do that while we eat?

Bill Weronko
Bill Weronko subscriber

I think it is optimally a synergistic union with distinct separation of duties and responsibilities. Each partner brings something to the table. One is overtly in charge while the other covertly influences the decisions.

Paula Dowling
Paula Dowling

You should be pleased to hear that! After all isn't it the woman who actually has the final say?

Cynthia McClendon
Cynthia McClendon subscriber

My husband refers to me as The Queen but he's very sweet. He went from being my Knight in Shining Armor to being the King of My Heart. He's a tough guy who's very quiet but he has a heart of gold and I'm honored that he shows it to me on a regular basis. He would move heaven and earth for our children and me and I love him for that.

Stephen Keith
Stephen Keith user

It's neither indicative of anger or weakness, if it's true. In fact, denying truth is a symptom (or cause?) of both.

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