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graces23 05-08-2010 05:05 AM

Well, this isn't a serious issue or even an issue at all, but I'm just interested in your thoughts...beware. I am a blabbermouth, so it's long. lol

I have a crush on a friend at work (we're both women, I'm a lesbian, she's not, and that's no issue whatsoever. She doesn't know I'm gay by the way, either).

We've worked together for over 3 years and have always been friendly but never said much to each other, until about 6 months ago when we started chatting more, and then 3 months ago she was made redundant and left...I was SO sad when she left...we hugged goodbye, exchanged email addresses and the next day she sent me an email. It was quite long (which I love), and I replied immediately, also with a long email.

We emailed 1-2 times a day, each containing quite deep and intimate thoughts, sharing opinions on things we never realised we had in common, and such other enjoyable things.

We saw each other a week later when the office held farewell drinks for her and another colleague. We had agreed not to tell anyone at work about our friendship, as there are some very bitchy people there who would find it interesting, and although she was out of that enviromnent, I wasn't.

At this farewell lunch, I felt this secret shared energy between us...

Anyway, a week or so after that, we had planned to go out after work, just us 2, but that fell through as work became insanely busy and she was actually called in to work as a casual for a few weeks. So we saw each other everyday at work again, but didn't talk really...we can't talk there. Too many ears listening, if you know what I mean. So it felt kinda weird to have this deep email interaction going on, telling each other really private things, and then at work being the way we always were before when we didn't know each other very well. we did end up going out after work, which was good...and a few weeks after that we and another ex-work friend went out for the day, which was also good. I always kinda feel slightly insecure and awkward around her though, but only in person. In emails I feel myself. Normal. Comfortable. In person I feel like she may not really like me that much, despite what how she acts (in person) and what she says (in email form).

So. My question is...I have become silly about our emails. I feel I am on a rollercoaster ride of emotions about them, and her in general. I have this HUGE crush on her, bordering on obsessive, but at the same time, I am happily "married" to my "wife" who I've been with for 9 years (and my work crush has been with her boyfriend for 8 years and is straight, I say again). And I honestly don't actually want to be with her anyway. At all. I'm happy with my relationship. I just want to be the BEST friend she EVER had. The most intimate of relationships WITHOUT actually being IN a relationship, if that makes any sense.

We used to email once or twice a day, as I mentioned before, but then a few weeks ago she went away for 2 weeks so no emails. She sent me a text msg a few times, which was a nice surprise. The emails resumed once she was back, but then she went away again for a week to a place with no email or phone networks, so nothing. Then after she got back, no emails for 3 days and then she appeared at work. Big surprise to me! It so happened that she was back at work again, albeit on a temporary basis until the ultra busy time dries up. She needs the money, it's hard to find other work, etc, etc.

This is all good and I was happy to be seeing her daily again, even if it was at work, but...she hadn't told me. No emails...I felt rejected and resentful.

Then the emails began again, so I was happy, but they've never been as frequent as they I'm lucky to get 3 good, long, indepth emails a week...and I feel as if I'm a nuisance to her, like my emails are a chore and she feels an obligation to reply. She is really busy in her life. She sometimes works 10 hour days, she's got 2 kids (although one is 24 and doesn't live at home anymore), and so it's understandable she doesn't have as much time as me (I work part time, have no kids)...

But I am just confused as I am too crush-y to be able to accurately judge her behaviour and what it actually MEANS in reality.

Last week I got annoyed at having received no email from her for 4 days, even though for 2 of those days she promised she'd reply...I didn't SHOW this annoyance because I know logically it's stupid and would seem weird. But I couldn't hide the fact I was upset, and at work one day she seemed really concerned and kept asking quietly what was wrong. I said it wasn't work-related but was "personal stuff" so...yeah. I never told her it was her lack of emails. I made something else up. I did get an email though, that night, which felt good.

Again, it's this rollercoaster feeling...when I get her email, I am so happy and exhilarated. When I check my email and there's nothing from her, I'm disappointed, deflated and annoyed.

Right now I'm in the middle of another "email drought" from email for 4 days...I know she's busy, and she's also sick with a cold/flu thing right now, and actually today, surprisingly, she DID send me an email, saying it was just a quickie email to say hi (it wasn't that short, it was probably normal for most non-blabbermouth people like we are) and she still hadn't read my other email (the one awaiting a response) as she wasn't inspired to write much indepth stuff when she feels sick.

Again, totally understandable, and I THINK logically, this is good. She wanted to let me know she was thinking of me, wanted to say hi in the short time she had, and she also wants to reply to my other long email properly when she has time and feels better. Doesn't want to do it when she feels bad and isn't in the mood.

But then the crush-part of my brain that sends annoyed, paranoid thoughts, can't help but worry that she's fobbing me off...that she's "over" our emails, has no interest in me as a friend, and will probably in fact NEVER reply to that other email...

But I don't know, cause I'm too close to the situation!! Which sounds right to you people? Is anyone even still reading? lol

I also wonder if I'm being "obvious" in my feelings for her. A few weeks ago at work I knew she was having a bad day (she tries to hide her feelings from everyone else but I know how she feels and she also tells me privately as well, and we have little brief chat sessions about what's going on that annoys us, etc) so I went online, found a funny picture of a dog (she loves dogs), and put it on her desk for when she came back from somewhere...and she loved that. Then the other day she was sick (as I said, this cold / flu thing she has), and she'd gone to lunch so I went online again, found a pic of a dog wearing glasses saying get well soon, and stuck it on her PC monitor for when she returned. She seemed touched by it and amused cause it was a funny / cute picture. Is this too obvious? Or is it just NICE?

There's also this other woman at work...she's the office manager and about the same age as my work crush (45 years old. I'm 31), and they've been "office best friends" for about 2 years or so...they have lunch out once a month, sometimes have lunch together in the manager's office...and my crush seems to really, really like this woman. She goes TOTALLY out of her way to do things for her, to please her, to help her...(like working 10 hour days when she's already exhausted, and even though she's not even technically employed with us anymore, and is just a casual for who knows how much longer)...and when she first left, this woman didn't ever call her, text her, email her, or contact her at ALL. My crush found this hurtful and said she realised they were not in fact friends, and perhaps never even had been. Very hard for her to think that. The woman ONLY called her when she wanted her to come back and help out at work.

And YET...(and this makes me SO jealous)...nowadays at work, they're all chummy again. Having lunch together sometimes (I don't get a lunch break so I'm not actually jealous of that), chatting occasionally, joking and deep feelings being exchanged,'s like this woman says jump and my crush says how high...*sigh* The other day something annoying happened to put my crush in a bad mood, she said she was going outside for a cigarette, I looked at her as if to say I wanted to join her, but hadn't said anything yet (usually a look is all we need though), and then this woman came in and said SHE'D join her, so my crush just immediately said ok and left through the door. I thought oh. Ok then. I've been swiftly forgotten.

It seems to me that as soon as this woman is around, I'm no longer needed. When my crush had first left the job and had no friends to see everyday anymore, she clung to me. Which I loved. If I didn't reply to her email in 24 hours, she'd sent me one asking if things were ok. And now she doesn't reply to mine in 4 days and I can't be annoyed by it?

She said to me this woman didn't care about her, wasn't her friend, just USED her...and yet NOW? They're apparently friends again? What's THAT about??

She's told me stuff in our emails she hasn't even told her actual best friend! What does THAT mean?

Can anyone tell me what it sounds like this crush of mine actually FEELS about me?? Does she like me or is she using me in some way? Is she really just busy or is she trying to avoid me?

Note - I do NOT show any of this obsessive over-thinking to her in person, or in our emails. I'm normal. lol

Thanks for listening!!!!

justmel30 05-08-2010 11:31 AM

Re: Crush on Work Friend (pls read if you're bored. It's long. lol)
Goodness! Where to even start with this one!

First of all, SHE'S STRAIGHT! So take all of your first instincts about her and throw them out the window. Straight people and gay people of the same sex have two completely different ways of interpreting the same events with one another. But I will get back to that in a minute.

Second, you said your happily married and only want a be a friend, like you would to a guy.....and think about that for a second. Stop with the jealousy, stop with the crush idea, stop with the notions of her using you. The cigarette thing is no dif then if your guy buddy walked out with another buddy to have a smoke. Just two friends who enjoy each others company. Nothing more. She isn't using you, she hasn't asked you for anything. She sees you as a friend.....which is what you say you want....but then you rambled on and on about all of these feelings and how to interpret them....and omg I dont even know where to go from here! She sees you as a close friend, that she can chat with and talk about personal things with. That's a very special thing to a straight woman, but dont mistake it for lust, or any deeper feeling. Trust me, its strictly platonic. I went through exactly what your straight friend is going through....and my gay friend, whom i didnt know was gay, had a huge crush on me, and did a whole lot of nice things for me. Very similar to what you have done for her. She would try to cheer me up, and was just kinda allways there. And I adored her, and I would do the same for her. She got very jealous when I started dating my husband, who by the way could not stand her. And I just figured they were both jealouse about the time I spent with the other. Long story short, she decided to confess to me one day how she felt. This was the worst thing ever! Because had she been honest with me from the beginning, I could still completely see myself being friends with her, and being able to share with her, but it could have been on a more common ground that I dont share the feelings for women the way she feels for women. That we could be close, and open, and honest, but not anything more then really great friends. Well when she told me how she felt, I felt betrayed, disgusted, and ashamed. Our friendship ended, I couldnt trust her. I felt like every time I sat by her, she wanted me. It was very much like having a guy friend that I adore, and feel close to, one day come up and say he loves me. ICK! Not what I was after and it ruins the friendship. It did for me anyway. It made me second guess every time we spent together, and it made "ME" feel used. Like, was there any honest intent to any of it? Or was she allways just waiting for me to want more. Yeah, it didn't go well. So since you didnt tell her from the beginning, and she's been so honest with you about everything, the best you can ever hope for is leaving things how they are now. I cant stress it enough. All she wants is a friend.....nothing more. There is nothing more to read into. So just leave it there. Good luck to you.

Neatonora 05-08-2010 03:18 PM

Alright, I was bored. I read it. Lol.
First off- let me say that I've been in the EXACT SAME SITUATION as you. I'm dating a girl. Had a crush on a friend who was totally straight. (And didn't know that I was kinda into her.) I did the exact same things you did. Went out of my way to be awesome. be there for her, all sorts of stuff. I always caught myself over-analyzing situations that really didn't make sense to analyze. (But when you like someone you can't HELP but to over think things.) The only advice i can to either STOP digging her. (The way I do it is, just try to think of what it would be like dating someone like her? Would you really want to waste your time thinking of her when shes wasting her time thinking about someone else?) Now, the thing that makes us different is...You say you just want to be friends, but really. I doubt that's what you want. I bet you would just want one intimate experience to get it out of your system, lol. I feel that way, anyway. The girl I was chasing was TOTALLY not the type of person I'd date, but for some reason I liked her, and only wanted a little something. Once. Just to see.

Its tough when you're given all these clues, and signs...
Just think past it, anyone can make anything into something. This chick just wants a friend, and you want ...well what DO you want?

graces23 05-08-2010 10:51 PM

Thank you both SO MUCH!

I needed to hear that, totally.

I think there MAY be some tiny bit of me that wouldn't say no if in some hypothetical situation something romantic or intimate could happen. But just once. And no, I really DON'T want to actually date her or be in a relationship with her. She's too high maintenance, high-strung, stressed out, she drinks a bit, smokes, has kids, it's SO not what I want for my life!!! My girlfriend IS what I want which is why I'm happy.

So. There ya go!

I will TRY and quit with the over-thinking, as hard as it is. I have a feeling that won't happen till my crush wears off, which I do expect will happen at some point. Can't maintain it forever with nothing to encourage it.

In the meantime, I will accept she DOES like me as a FRIEND, and be very grateful for that, and reciprocate. :) Simple!! lol

Edit - OH, and as far as me not already telling her that (a) I'm gay, and (b) I have feelings for her, well, I don't really worry about that. If I was single and actually wanted to BE with her, then I may eventually explode and blab it to her, but no. That's not gonna happen. I'm going to most likely tell her I'm gay at some point, cause I trust her and I know she's all good with homosexuality in general, so...that's all fine. But I'd never tell her how I feel about HER. No need to. :)

caberg 05-10-2010 02:36 PM

You're in a committed relationship; so is she. You're 31; she's 45 (her kid is almost your age). The obsessiveness is exhausting just to read about.

River rocks 05-10-2010 03:25 PM


I havent read all the responses but I'll chime in anyway.

I was once in an email realtionship much like you described. It was amazing how intimate and deep you can get over email. There was so much energy in those emails, we became very close.

When you say "crush", it implies you have romantic feelings, more than friends.

My concern in your post is that you said you are happy in your relationship. When I was emailing my man friend, I was not happy in my real life relationship, (I was unhappily married) and I put enormous mental and emotional energy into my email relationship. It was an emotional escape and actually a betrayal of intimacy in my real life relationship.

The reality is, that kind of emotional energy can only go toward one person at a time. You cannot possibly have all that attention and desire for connection going to your crush AND your real life partner.

So, that leaves your partner out in the cold. I would suggest looking into what it is that is lacking in your real life relationship that you are getting from your crush through email. Maybe it is time to revisit what first attracted you to her? These online emails can seem harmless but I know first hand how friendship can turn to intimacy and deep caring, and can put an end to any current realtionship you are in.

graces23 05-11-2010 05:34 AM

Hmm, interesting, thank you. I definitely agree with you, and have contemplated that "spotlight" of intimacy being switched elsewhere (on to my crush as opposed to my "wife").

My crush is kinda dwindling now anyway, actually. I'm a bit over it. Am loving the comfort and deeper love of my relationship at home. (and yes, I'll admit, after 9 years of being together and over 7 of living together, it's NOT as exciting as in the younger days. And that's ok by me)

In terms of my crush being 45 and I'm only 31 and her kids being almost my age, well...firstly, my wife is 48 so there's a bigger age gap there than me and my crush. It's never been an issue. And the kids, they're 16 and 24 so...not quite my age, but I do see your point.

caberg 05-11-2010 08:26 AM

[QUOTE=graceslick23;4243290]after 9 years of being together and over 7 of living together


So you were 22, and your "wife" was 39 when you got together? Are these women whom you're attracted to some sort of mom figures?

graces23 05-12-2010 11:25 PM

No no, not in the slightest. I have a mum who I love very much. Don't need a mother figure in my relationships, and nor do I want one.

I never set out to have feelings for older women...and yes, I was 22 and my wife was 38 (almost 39) when we first met. We met online, you see, and so any factors that might have got in the way so to speak of being in a relationship...they weren't THERE as much online as in person. Age, distance, etc. (we lived in different states)

Anyway...but in general, I do find women older than me more interesting...they've lived more, tend to (sometimes) be wiser, and so on...I don't really want to be with a 20 year old, you know? Although again, you never know. Everyone's different and unique.
