American Horror Story: Asylum: "F*ck it, let's add zombies"

What THE HELL is going on with this show. So far I've counted an alien, a demon, slasher-style murderers, and now zombie boil people. Should I be surprised? Heavens, no. Am I entertained? Maybe. But right now, my brain is just as mashed up as whatever is left hanging between Dr. Arthur Aiden's legs.

Spoilers ahead.

To say my expectations were high for the Halloween episode of AHS would be a dramatic understatement. Last year's Halloween two-parter (the first half was penned by James Wong the second written by Tim Minear) might be one of my all-time favorite Halloween-themed episodes. And the second half is absolutely in my top ten all-time favorite episodes of television, ever.

So, yes. I wasn't terribly thrilled with this episode's attempt to throw every goddamned monster against the wall to see what sticks. But this is American Horror Story. Whenever you expect something of this series, it does the exact opposite. Sadly, this episode was more of a foreboding wail of things to come and an excuse for Jessica Lange and James Cromwell to chew up a room full of set design. Not that I'm complaining, I was just hoping for something a bit more.

So what did happen? Well, newly possessed Sister Eunice starting yanking everybody's chains. She goes after Sister Jude's secret past and the hit-and-run that she's hidden away. And after Dr. Aiden's sexual attraction to her. Meanwhile the asylum prepares for a big, bad storm with a movie, thus offering the perfect cover for yet another escape attempt for Kit, Grace, and Lana. Which they did. But then they ran into these guys:


Aaaand then came running right back. Wouldn't you?

So now we have a demon, boil zombies, a monster doctor, and Bloody Face.

But wait, we're not through yet! What about the aliens that no one is really invested in? Well, they're back. Sister Jude gets wasted off communion wine (which was excellent) and starts pawing around the place looking for "The Mexican." Unfortunately for The Mexican and Sister Jude, she's been stabbed to death by Sister Eunice. Sister Jude's stumbles take her down a dark hallway, and smack dab into this alien.


Why? Because aliens are scary for some people. Hopefully next week this monster will be wearing a red nose and a rainbow wig, because clowns are also scary for some people.

Even though Sister Eunice hasn't done much but stir the pot thus far as a demon-possessed nun, she's a hoot to watch. I'm not sure how much longer Briarcliff can mosey along without noticing that one of their own nuns has been tainted by the he-who-is-most-unclean, but let's hope this goes on just a little bit longer. Sister Euny is great and being bad.

And then, hidden in the jumble of demon alien things was Shelley. Poor, nymphomaniac Shelley had to take one for the team. Going down on a guard to distract the nuns from the jailbreak. Unfortunately for Shelly Dr. Aiden is on a weirdo bender, attacking statues and calling everyone a whore. When he spies Shelley, we all know she's done for. After a bad attempt to rape the poor girl, he knocks her unconscious and amputates her legs. Yikes. It was completely horrifying and exceptionally graphic. But also pretty ridiculous. Is no one going to notice Shelley's missing legs? Surely Zachary Quinto will put an end to this madness, or at least look very sexy while smoking a cigarette. One or the other will happen, for sure.

So there you have it. 7,000 different monster story lines, all in one little show. This is more or less exactly what we've come to expect from this bonkers TV program. However, we expected something a bit more…compelling on the hallowed Halloween day. Until next week, let's all keep pretending this alien side plot simply doesn't exist.