Tim Grobaty: Santa Claus - Behind the Christmas magic

Santa Claus will deliver gifts to the homes of well-behaved children late this evening and in the early hours of Christmas.

Q: According to your blog, you visit a little more than 300 million houses/condos/apartments in the hours before Christmas morning. How is that physically possible?

A: Wow. Great question. No one's ever asked me that before. Have you read Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time?"

Q: Yes.

A: Really?

Q: No.

A: Well, the short answer is you can bend light. Plus there's wormholes. I could explain it if I had a chalkboard and you knew advanced math and quantum physics.

Q: I suppose wormholes explain how you carry enough toys in your sled for that many households.

A: Wormholes, black holes and dark matter.

Q: Flying reindeer?

A: Accelerated selective breeding.

Q: Making a billion toys using nothing but a little workshop full of elves with primitive tools?

A: Some of the stuff falls off Wal-Mart trucks.

Q: According to the Hearth, Patio & Barbecue Association, only 40.3 percent of homes in the U.S. have fireplaces -

A: Look, you seem bent on disproving my existence. How did you do in math in school?

Q: Hovered around the D mark.

A: You can't grapple with quadratic equation and now you want me to explain how the universe works? Kids tell me what they want, I get it to them in a timely and efficient manner. I don't get any hate mail from children. That's all you need to know.

Q: How come you're so fat?

A: Every time you ask me a stupid question your sister makes me a plate of cookies.

Q: How do you appear at so many shopping malls at the same time?

A: Mmmm. Macadamia white chocolate chip this time!

Q: How do you get along with Baby Jesus?

A: I'd describe our relationship as cordial. We don't really hang out with the same people.

Q: You are a saint, however, when you're in your "jolly" St. Nick incarnation.

A: Yeah, it's kind of an honorary thing. Like "Colonel" Sanders and "Speaker" Boehner. I didn't have to perform any miracles or anything. I think it was mostly an award for increasing the awareness of Christmas.

Q: Do you see me when I'm sleeping? Do you know when I'm awake?

A: Yes. I've seen you take bites out of the brownies your children leave by the fireplace every year. You think I want to eat a brownie that you've taken a bite out of? You even throw out the celery sticks that were meant for my reindeer.

Q: Can you name all the reindeer?

A: Comet, Blitzen, Cupid.... Let's see. Sneezy, I think, is one. Doc, Zeppo...NyQuil...

Q: That's OK, I don't know them, either. How about "The 12 Days of Christmas." Has anyone ever sent you a letter asking for lords a-leaping?

A: I still get a lot of golden-ring requests. And ladies dancing. People like to give the drummers-drumming and the pipers-piping as gag gifts.

Q: Dogs or cats?

A: At home we have dogs. Mostly huskies, but we got a Portuguese water dog after Obama got one. On the road, I'm more of a cat person. Dogs will just tear up a guy who suddenly appears in their house. I have to give them a treat to shut them up. I use the cookies I get from guys like you.

Q: If you give my children all their presents at Christmas, why do so many charges appear on my credit card?

A: There's a host of associated charges: Fuel, administrative costs, "handling," breakage, spillage, insurance fees, feed, permits. Those will all show up on your credit card as "Target," "Amazon," and "Cool Little Shop on Fourth Street." Plus, a lot of those gifts are given by my family members who think it's OK to put "From Santa" on the gift tags. I really only bring two or three things per kid. Otherwise there's not enough wormholes in the universe to get it all out in one night.

Q: Have I been naughty or nice this year?

A: Let me put it this way: You're not getting the boat you wanted. You will get a nice pair of slacks, though.
