An open Letter to the U.S.A

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edit The Letter of Intent

To the citizens of the United States of America,

Would you really want to fuck with that?


Except Utah, which she does not fancy, and Texas, because it will be sold to Mexico anyways.


The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.


  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Currently in the english language our scientists have agreed to say aluminium the American way, however in return you had to start spelling "sulfur" the correct way which is sulphur. This isn't a sign that "U.S English" is better, just that we made you change the spelling of a word and we will still pronounce aluminium as we do.
  1. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
  1. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary". Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
  1. Look up "interspersed".
    Seriously, our country is ran by scary looking people!
  1. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit, Scouse, Geordie or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
  1. You should stop playing American football There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic Football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game.
  1. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a league which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girl's game called "rounders", which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
  1. As a side note, the English invented the game of baseball and we decided that it was too boring. When it comes to sport you should trust our judgement on if it is good or not. Granted we may not be that good at them now, but we invented most sports known to man.
  1. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
  1. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
  1. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled (10 grams if you don't know your times tables) for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
  1. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is actually not beer at all, it is lager. From the 1st of November only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
  1. You will tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Signed John Cleese

Spork This page was originally sporked from John Cleese.
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