When Is Losing Good For A Team? (Hint: The Answer is "Never"): Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

Today's viewing guide is coming to you live in living color and internet whistles from the belly of the beast: The ESPN Zone in Disney World. Norby, if you are reading, I'm the guy in a weird outfit.

New York Giants at Cincinnati (FOX): Here's a real solid example of how full of shit and self important media can be:

That's exactly what the suddenly desperate-looking Giants (6-3) hope to do against the Bengals (3-5) at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati on Sunday afternoon.

Suddenly desperate-looking. First things first: What? What in the world does that even mean. Secondly, shut up Ralph Vacchiano. This whole article is basically code for "We're tough on 'em here in the Big Apple! Even if you're Super Bowl Champs. Or won three in a row. We want results and we want them yesterday!" The other great part is the part where there is a second half swoon, historically, for these Giants. Who have had a habit of, historically, winning the Super Bowl out of fucking nowhere.

Tennessee at Miami (CBS): If it were not for the wonderful accommodations at this here ESPN Zone in Orlando, Florida, I would be stuck watching this game. Still hard to tell which is the lesser of those two evils, but we move onward. Spero Dedes and Steve Tasker are calling this game which...yeah. This is actually the Steve Tasker of football games, though. Later tonight, Houston at Chicago would be like, I don't know, the Tom Brady of football games. You know, a good football game. Exciting offense. A sexy defense that can also score. Hair plugs. There is a lot going for that game. Miami-Tennessee is a technically a professional football game. There needs to be a certain amount of football played each day and this is better than a college game. It is seven-time Pro Bowl special teamer, Steve Tasker.

Detroit at Minnesota (FOX): Buried at the bottom of the stats dump in this Detroit-Minnesota preview there is this:

Bothered by a sore knee, Ponder was 11 of 22 for 63 yards with a pick against the Seahawks - the second time in three weeks he failed to throw for at least 65 yards.

That is not a lot of yards. That's actually very few yards to have thrown in one game, and then to do it twice in three weeks, well—not good. It's not good at all, Spero.

Buffalo at New England (CBS):



Tom Coughlin gives this headline four exasperated faces.

Atlanta at New Orleans (FOX): Pretty soon we are going to get to the part where people start speculating: Would it be better for Atlanta to lose? Is the pressure of the undefeated season and all those questions—my god, the questions—getting to them? Will it prevent them from achieving the ultimate goal, not getting bounced in the first playoff game? Love that part. People who are paid to ask things and then write them in words that are intelligible by most of the population, openly wondering if losing a game would be a good thing. It's like when Luke voluntarily turns off his computer and decides to use The Force, except the computer is a brain and The Force doesn't exist.

San Diego at Tampa Bay (CBS): A few weeks ago, you probably didn't want to watch this game, Tampa Bay. But now you're at .500 and Doug Martin is on fire. Get to the game so you can watch these guys! As for San Diego, here is a sentence, were I a writer on the Chargers beat, I would probably have saved on my desktop for the past decade:

Despite their struggles, the Chargers are one-game out of a wild-card spot, and are hoping to pull together to make the playoffs and keep Turner off the hot seat.

Denver at Carolina (CBS): There's a very good chance that Peyton Manning will surpass Dan Marino as second all-time for touchdowns thrown in NFL history today. So who better to call the action than CBS's Gravitas5000 Jim Nantz. Manning just needs to throw two more to move ahead of Marino's 420.

Oakland at Baltimore (CBS): Carson Palmer threw something like 753 attempts last week. Darren McFadden won't be playing this week, he was ruled out on Friday, so look for Palmer to throw something like 753 more attempts. And guess what? He's played against the Ravens before! I know it's crazy but hear me out. Palmer used to play on the Bengals, a divisional foe for the Ravens. He's now playing for the Raiders who rarely play the Ravens. It is pure insanity. It is so loopy that Terrell Suggs had this to say about Palmer:

If you ask me, he's very highly underrated.

What You're Watching

Go here to see if you're getting screwed this week.
Via The 506. CBS:




Photos via Getty