Bernard Manning

This potty-mouthed performer needs no introduction, so read on, readers, read on...

Good afternoon, Bernard, what might your favourite colour be?
Blue. Sky blue. Why? Because I support Manchester City, which is reason enough, and what could be nicer than seeing a lovely blue sky of a morning, eh?

Not much, granted. Who or what would you put in Room 101?
Christopher Biggins, and all people like him. A bunch of no-talent merchants, the lot of them. People like Biggins have no f******g talent, yet he's somehow made a living out of it. He's got absolutely nothing to give to the nation.

Tea or coffee?
Oh definitely a cup of tea, I'm having one now as a matter of fact. No sugar, because I've got diabetes, but definitely a drop of milk.

So how long have you been supporting City?
Since I was four years of age, 1934. Me dad took me down with him to Maine Road, I think to see Derby County. We went on a tram, there were very few buses around in them days. They used to get big crowds when I first started going, and they'd let you in for nothing at half-time if your father wasn't working. There were no amplifiers back then either, my son, all the team changes were shown by a man walking round the ground with a board on his shoulder. "Stanley Matthews will not be playing today", it'd say. Great days. It was better back then.

The lion, definitely. Why? Because I'm a Leo and I'm frightened of nothing and nobody. I've been on stage in Sunderland, and that's like facing Jack-the-bloody-Giant-killer.

What was the last record or CD you bought?
It was by Dean Martin, it had That's Amore and all that sort of stuff on it. It's very good, very good indeed.

What's the greatest football match you've ever witnessed?
It was the recent Manchester United v Real Madrid second leg, I must admit. I was with Alex Ferguson at a golf do the day after - the Bernard Manning Golf Classic, a charity do for autistic children. Fergie was a happy man even thought they'd been beaten, and I said to him: 'Alex, although I'm a City supporter, that was the best football match I've ever seen in my life. It had everything, and if United had scored one more goal, I reckon they would have gone on to win it.'

What was the last book you read?
That was Richard Milhouse Nixon, his autobiography. It was five inches thick, and it took some reading. He was a Quaker, I think, he came from a very hard-working family. His brother died and his mother died and it really was a moving story. I couldn't put it down. It needed a lot of patience to get through because there was so much to digest. I might have to read it again.

What newspapers or magazines do you read?
I get the Mirror and the Express every day, and I get the News Of The World and the Sunday People. I also get the Middleton Guardian, and the Manchester Evening News every night. I like to read, but I don't really read magazines.

Don't know, haven't got a clue. If I had to guess, I'd say about 50p. [Sniffing old school chauvinism, Small Talk wonders who buys the milk chez Manning] Well it's just left out on the doorstep and I pay the milkman when he turns up. I even treat him. If he says it's £10, I give him £12 and tell him to get himself a drink. He drinks down the Embassy Club, so it's all coming back in [laughs heartily].

Who's your favourite footballer ever - City or otherwise?
[Thinks long and hard, then settles on] Colin Bell. He was a great player. If you had a world-class team, you'd have to have Colin Bell in it. Puskas as well, the man they all laughed at and called a roly-poly, he was a bit special and he certainly stuck it up 'em. These days, I like Figo very much, he's a smashing footballer.

And who's the worst player to have ever worn the City shirt? That fella Daly [Steve]. They paid a million pounds for him in the 80s, or at least Malcolm Alison did, and if Daly had taken 12 shots at John Lennon, he'd still be alive today.

Kylie, Britney or Holly?
Oh definitely Kylie, definitely. [Any reason, probes Small Talk] Oh, it's nice, innit [laughs haughtily]. She's got everything, and in all the right places.

What's your poison?
I don't drink. I did when I was in me teens, but I stopped when I got diabetes. These days, if I'm having a night out, an orange juice will do me.

Favourite TV show?
Only Fools And Horses. [It's not as good as it was, suggests Small Talk]. Oh it is, it's very good. My favourite episode would have to be the Batman and Robin one from a few years back, that was very funny.

Clearly we're treading on thin ice, here, Bernard, but tell us a joke...
[As the ice cracks - and realising Bernard's first gag would be censored by the suits - Small Talk asks for a safer alternative] Er, I'll give you a silly one, then. Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: "I wonder how you drive this". That's Ken Dodd, that one.

Cheese or chocolate?
Ooh, definitely cheese. Definitely. It's funny you should say that, I'm having a nice piece of cheddar on a puff now. Lovely.

What's in your pockets?
Nothing, I'm sat in me underpants. [Small Talk asks if this is normal behaviour, what with it being 5.14pm] Oh yes, I sit in me underpants and vest all day, watching the racing. I work at night, so I don't have to get dressed in the day.

So what colour underpants are you wearing today?
They're white boxer shorts, always white, always boxers.

And finally, where are you off to now?
Nowhere, I'm going to sit here and watch a bit of telly - probably Emmerdale, Coronation Street and a bit of news - and I should be in bed by about 9pm. I'm doing a gig in Leeds tomorrow night, Rotherham on Wednesday night, somewhere in Birmingham on Thursday and I'm working Friday and Saturday, so I need me rest.