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To Protect, Serve, and Beg for Dick

If a man liberates a loaf of bread from its rightful confines, that is stealing. But if a topless woman begs him to take the loaf of bread, can the same still be said? What if the loaf of bread is his penis, and the woman is an undercover police officer?

It's penetrating philosophical questions like these that jab painfully at the mind when one reads this article, wherein the intrepid police force of Columbus, Ohio put the scenario to the test.

The lady cop in question, who I have to assume didnt ace her policemans exam, was given the task of sunbathing topless in a park by a street in a suburb every day for weeks. Normally Id say thats a great use of my tax dollars, but this wasnt just an innocent spruce up the neighborhood effort.

No no; something far more sinister was going on. The bathing Bathsheba was mere pervert bait, set out to trap the kind of sick, twisted male mind that would be so craven as to look at a womans bare tits when they are innocently flaunted for weeks on end.

And, what do you know, it worked! The cops finally busted someone for indecent exposure, but only after the topless cop flirted with him (initiated physical contact to boot) and asked to see his penis. How are cops allowed to do that?! Ask someone to commit a crime and then arrest them for it?!

Theres a word for this type of thing: Entrapment, and its more than just an underrated Sean Connery heist movie. Its sexist. If she can flaunt her funbags shamelessly, why the hell cant I take my guy out for a breath of air? What is this, the Ritz?

The whole thing is an over-the-top ridiculous waste of time, money, and manpower, and while there admittedly isnt a lot for cops to do in Ohio, youd think they could come up with something a little more constructive that causing crimes for them to solve . Oppress minorities, something.

So be warned, kids: dont take your cock out in Columbus. Although it is heartening to know that topless sunbathing is legal there. Almost makes up for the giant blank square of nothing that is the rest of Ohio.

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Michael Swaim

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