From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Buy to let
A buy-to-let property of unusually high standard.
“Our generation should just stop paying their pensions, let them eat all their lovely buy-to-let houses”
~ Impoverished Buy-to-let tenant on buy-to-let landlords.
“The younger generation are sickeningly self-entitled, they should thank us for giving them the opportunity to pay off our mortgages
~ Buy-to-let landlord on the poor people they exploit.

Buy-to-let landlords (also known as something for nothing slumlords) are a breed of human parasite peculiar to England. Notoriously right wing and self righteous these so-called "people" exploit hard working families for personal profit.

edit History

The Evil Thatcher Junta introduced the 1988 Housing Act to abolish security of tenure for tenants, giving landlords power to evict tenants more easily and return the UK to "the good old days" of landed gentry renting shit houses to transitory peasant scum.

The buy-to-let scam itself was devised by the brilliant minds of the John Major administration that also brought the English people other fantastic innovations like rail privatisation, the Cones Hotline and Black Wednesday.

John Major's dream was to create another, slightly lower tier of rich, greedy and self serving Tory voters within the British class system. To achieve this he devised a scam to enrich his own generation of baby boomers at the expense of subsequent generations.

Whilst the Tories sewed the seeds, the real shitstorm was served up under Labour. Whilst Blair was doing his war dance, Brown's decade long 'economic miracle' happened, where the hapless (or possibly complicit) chancellor fellated the financial services industry and gave them carte blanche to spew fake, toxic credit all over the baying, idiotic masses. Millions of people took out liar loans (where a Tesco shelf stacker declares he earns £300K per annum, which no-one checked) to buy into the ponzi scheme and enslave themselves and their children, the most selfish and unscrupulous people used this boom in easy credit to build up vast buy-to-let property portfolios in order to enslave other people and their families instead.

The prudent people, who knew a pile of bricks in the middle of Hull could never be worth 30 years of debt slavery were laughed at as hopelessly naive. After the credit bubble burst and the neoliberal economic meltdown kicked in, it was the sensible people (the kind who restricted themselves to the purchase of only as many houses as they needed and could afford to pay for, then put their cash into savings accounts and pension contribultions) who are being made to bail out reckless speculators like buy-to-let parasites and financial sector morons via virtually zero percent interest on their savings, government attacks on their pension and the devaluation of their assets due to the stagflationary effect of the Bank of England's barmy quantitative easing money printing scams.

Naturally, at this point in time, the chattering classes still believe there's a difference between the three major political parties, and continue to witter on about Evil Tories and Champagne Socialists like there's a bloody difference, when anyone can see that they all represent a virtually identical brand of neoliberal pseudo-economic gibberish, just with differently coloured ties.

edit How it works

The banks give favourable mortgages to prospective landlords on special "buy-to-let mortgages". These mortgages have much lower specifications and interest rates than those available to mid to low income families (buy-to-let tenants). The factors that make buy-to-let mortgages so much easier to obtain than standard working family mortgages are:

  • Buy-to-let freeloaders can use the rest of their property as collateral instead of providing tens of thousands of pounds for a deposit.
  • Buy-to-let bloodsuckers can count the projected rent for income purposes.
  • Buy-to-let leeches can deduct the interest payments on the mortgage and any maintenance costs on the property from the tax payable on the profits.

The reason that banks give favourable conditions to Buy-to-let landlords is that bankers have a long track record of being completely incapable of determining risk.

edit Eligibility requirements

Numerous tests are carried out by lenders to establish that prospective BTL landlords meet the eligibility requirements of being:

edit Regulation of the buy-to-let sector


edit Buy-to-let landlords

PFI Spiv
A buy-to-let landlord.

The typical buy to let landlord is an obnoxious ultra right wing, self righteous bore. They have an appalling habit of bragging that they share with the English middle classes, but unlike the middle classes, they brag about the value of their "property portfolio" rather than their house.

BTL parasites like to dress themselves up as 21st Century philanthropists, but in reality they just want as much profit as possible for as little investment as possible so they can then pat themselves on the back and gloat about being an amazing financial genius.

BLT leeches will perform unbelievable mental contortions to justify their transparent selfishness and greed. Here are some examples:

  • "We are doing the younger generation a favour by inflating house prices beyond their means and then letting them pay off the mortgages on our investments."
  • "I rent property out to desperate people for the good of society."
  • "If you asked people individually they would probably say renting was the perfect option for them."
  • "My pension isn't worth what I expected it to be, so I've found a socially responsible way of saving."
  • "There is something inherently decent about investing in bricks and mortar for someone else to enjoy."[1]

edit Promotion

Buy-to-let parasitism has been promoted on British television for over a decade. A shit parade of awful scum have promoted buy-to-let on dire DIY TV shows like How to be a property spiv on Channel 5, Kirsty Allsop's Property Porn on Channel 4, and the BBC's House Prices Can Only Go Up.

edit Economic impact

Aside from forcing a million families out of home ownership by buying up all of the affordable housing stock in England, these property parasites have also completely wrecked the British economy.

House price inflation and the reckless lending by Buy-to-let specialists were two of the main causal factors in the credit crunch in Britain. One of the banks that needed the biggest government bail out was the Bradford and Bingo a specialist buy-to-let lender.

Rising interest rates and falling house prices have left many buy-to-let landlords in negative equity, where the amount they have to pay back to the banks now exceeds their rental income. Most British people would have loved to see this bunch of greedy self serving spivs get their comeuppance, by being declared bankrupt and having their property portfolio confiscated and broken up to be put back on the housing market.

Gordon Brown had a different solution. Using his mantra of risk free investment for the private sector he came up with a plan to make taxpayers make up any buy-to-let shortfalls through mortgage assistance schemes, leaving the poor sods who actually live in buy-to-let slums to pay the price through their taxes for the incompetent investments of their landlords, who avoid paying tax on their artificially subsidised profits.

edit Favouritism

The reason the interests of these greedy and self serving leeches are put ahead of the interests of their tenants and the taxpayer is that the spiv class[2] perceive the buy-to-let brigade as a cottage industry form of spivvery.

They protect them because of the spiv code of honour that everyone in the spiv class should stand together to protect their own interests above those of the ordinary working people.

edit See also

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Buy to let.

edit References

  1. Guardian article
  2. The Spiv class can be defined as people that create no wealth at all and just live off the labour of the working poor, such as bankers, politicians, lawyers, etc.

edit External link

Personal tools