Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with rejection Questions tagged with 'rejection' at Ask MetaFilter. Sat, 20 Dec 2014 18:44:06 -0800 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 18:44:06 -0800 en-us 60 The job(s) that got away So, after an 8-month long job search since graduating, I've <em> finally</em> found a job in my field (hooray!), but I still feel a bit sad when I think about all of the jobs I didn't get. How can I stop thinking about these missed opportunities and focus on what lies ahead? I'm finding myself feeling a bit sad and bitter when I think about the positions I interviewed for at Organization A, which is kind of a "dream" place to work for. I still wonder what exactly was "wrong" with me and why I was never hired, those thoughts have been starting to really bother me lately.<br> <br> The position I've accepted is with Organization B and it's not a position that I would have liked to have 8 months ago (actually, I actually told a few people that I would NEVER do this! Ack!). However, I don't see many downsides to the position: the manager seems great, the pay is alright for a beginner (it's a bit lower than Org. A, but nothing drastic), a more consistent schedule (8am-4pm, no weekends), more independence, benefits (I don't even think Org. A offers proper benefits) and it's a shorter commute. <br> <br> Despite all of these pros, I just can't stop feeling sad about not getting an "ideal" position. What the hell is wrong with me? How can I get over this and feel excited about my new job?,2014:site.273311 Sat, 20 Dec 2014 18:44:06 -0800 modesty.blaise How can I deal better with being passed over in the dating world? I’m looking for stories, examples, wisdom to make me feel better about not getting asked out on a second date. Whenever there’s no follow-up after a pleasant first date, I always assume it’s because I’m not attractive enough. (I'm a woman in NYC.) The operating assumption is that if I were attractive, then the guy would have wanted to go out with me again. I get very simplistic and black and white. Can you help me counter this?? I’ve come to think that all my feelings of unworthiness get corralled into this one arena, for reasons I don’t entirely understand. Objectively speaking, I’m reasonably attractive. I’ve had boyfriends and men have pursued me and I’ve been told nice things about the way I look. But I’m not sensationally beautiful, and when a guy doesn’t want to date me, I go down the same well-trod road of inadequacy. I do see that this thought pattern is simply a painful habit that is deeply ingrained, and recognizing this has helped me move though it faster. But still, all my friends are married, and I have no one to compare notes with. Help me see that a guy’s lack of interest is not a total repudiation of my sex appeal!,2014:site.272813 Wed, 10 Dec 2014 07:53:58 -0800 Anonymous How can I be more courageous? This could go into human relations, work &amp; money, or a number of other categories. I am a daydreamer, and I am often motivated by visions of the future. The problem is that the world often disappoints, and after many rejections/failures (alongside the successes, of course), I have gotten to having a fair amount of anxiety on a regular basis. It sometimes feels compelling to put my head in the sand rather than probing for real answers. How can I be more courageous? Some examples: I don't know what an email from a person I'm dating will say, and I've daydreamed about it being something good. The good daydreams motivate me, but the dark side of that is that when they don't come true, it hurts. Many of those hurts have built up over years, and as a result, I have more anxiety than I used to. Sometimes I hesitate to open an email because I know (or my brain knows) that it might hurt. Often it does. Sometimes I will sit on an email for a day or two before opening it.<br> <br> Another key example: my job is as an entrepreneur. That's my life's work. Entrepreneurship means making a lot of phone calls and having a lot of meetings -- starting with a vision, and trying to make it a reality by probing what's <em>actually</em> possible. Along the way, that includes pleasant surprises, but also many unexpected disappointments and difficulties. Sometimes I have a lot of anxiety about making those calls and setting up those meetings.<br> <br> I do all these things eventually. I reply to the emails, I make the calls, etc. My question is, how can I do better?<br> <br> What are some real life strategies for being more brave? I would like to have the bravery to face the world as it is, not as I dream it will be. What are some real tricks to have more courage? What are resources (articles, books, personal experiences, tricks..) that have helped you?,2014:site.268339 Thu, 11 Sep 2014 21:37:43 -0800 htid Self-help books for dealing with rejection during job searches My partner was rejected from several jobs (she is an academic), and she is looking for self-help books for dealing with the emotional aspects of this. We found several books dealing with rejection on an interpersonal level, and there are of course many books with practical advice for job searches. Are there any books that you would recommend for dealing with emotional aspects of rejection, career difficulties, or losing a job?,2014:site.262351 Thu, 22 May 2014 18:06:43 -0800 studioaudience How can I let myself be vulnerable in my new relationship? I think I have some messed up ideas about relationships, that are going to get in the way of me finding true intimacy and being a really good partner to someone. I want to get over these ideas but am terrified that acting in a more authentic and loving way will backfire. Hope me? I'm a lesbian in my late twenties. Since coming out in my early twenties I feel like I've learned/ingrained some really messed up ideas about how to keep people interested in me and secure their love. I feel horrified writing this and knowing that I think this way/play these games, and I want to stop, but I'm scared that if I do engage with people more authentically that they won't love me and that I'll be alone.<br> <br> Basically I feel like I've learned that in order to keep someone's interest, I need to make myself indifferent and unavailable. This lesson has come to me by different women falling in love with me over the years. It seems like when I don't reciprocate their love, or give a little but remain uncommitted, they go wild! They want me so bad! I am very sensitive to rejection and would never stick around/pursue someone the way that women I've rejected have continued to pursue me. <br> <br> Not only that, but it seems like if I start a relationship by being into someone and showing it, they are interested but not really committed. But if I break up with them or am otherwise non committal, and then give them another chance, then they are, like, forever enamoured with me. It feels like I have to threaten that they will lose me in order to make them appreciate me. <br> <br> I hate having these thoughts and "knowing" this works. The thing is, it does work. But it's an awful way to treat people and I really don't want to do it. The problem is I'm pretty insecure and terrified of rejection, so I have a really hard time being with someone who I don't feel is 100% committed to being with me. So often if I feel someone is ambivalent/slightly doubting it/not head over heels in love with me, then I will act ambivalent/talk about breaking up, until it seems like a switch is hit and they become crazy about me. God I hate myself just writing that haha. But how do I stop this behaviour knowing that it is so effective? What I really want is a genuine, authentic, loving relationship with someone. <br> <br> I am dating a new person now who I really, really like. I feel overwhelmed by all my love feelings for her. I write poems about her. I fantasize about her all the time, she makes my heart race. I've worked really hard so far to not engage in any game playing. I've had moments where I wanted to kind of express ambivalence or something just to see how she'd react, but I resisted (an ex once told me that it seems like I test her to prove her love to me….sounds about right). So although I've resisted any kind of game playing/anxiety invoking so far, I also really hold back about my feelings about her. I mean, it's only been a month, and I'm pretty upfront about how I really like her/find her really attractive, etc., but I don't really let her see the full extent of it for fear that she'll just feel like she has me, I'm too easy, and will lose interest. I feel like the type of woman I'm attracted to (butchy, tough, charmers) is the type who really likes a chase and a challenge. I know that sounds reductionist and like an overgeneralization etc etc., but I really feel like it's true. I especially feel like I'm holding back on letting her know how much I want her sexually, like she knows I think she's super hot, but I purposefully wait for her to kiss me first, initiate sex, etc. I'm just scared of being overbearing, of scaring her away, of losing her really.<br> <br> So how does one just be really respectful and genuine and vulnerable in relationships when it feels like you know that holding back and creating ambivalence would kind of solidify their interest in you? How do you just let yourself love when it feels like you date the type of person who wants to always be chasing? It's not like I want to play games forever, just long enough to cement her interest, but gawd, that's awful, of course I don't want to do that. <br> <br> I'm especially interested in hearing from people for whom rejection makes the crush grow stronger, or who get turned off by a love interest coming on too strong/responding too eagerly. How can I be good to this woman and not scare her away? <br> <br> Thanks :),2014:site.259971 Mon, 07 Apr 2014 21:42:47 -0800 Anonymous Did I get rejected by her? Hi I asked a girl out for valentines day for the first time by text (I would have done face to face but there's like a lot of snow where I am and I have midterms and stuff so I was very busy) but she said that she was thankful that I asked her out but she feels burdened because valentines day is supposed to be with someone special. She asked me if it was ok to see in the weekend. As I asked before on this website, the girl is a friend that I would like to be my girlfriend. Last time we had lunch together, I felt that she liked me but I wasn't too sure haha. I don't know if she still likes me or not after reading her text. I'm not sure if she wants to meet in the weekend because she feels sorry for me. What do you guys think?,2014:site.257072 Thu, 13 Feb 2014 05:45:13 -0800 soul24rage Help me not dissolve into a stressavoidance puddle at work! How can I avoid totally unraveling when working with a dismissive/cold person? In general, I'm a pretty warm, congenial person who can cooperate happily with lots of folks. I lean towards people-pleasing and have anxiety and self-esteem issues that I'm working through in therapy. What I find is that hyper-attuning myself to other people's reactions (and my beliefs about what those cues Really Mean) can lead me to feeling like i'm this little house with all of the windows and doors open, and any old gust of wind can blow through and knock down all the books and break all the plates. <br> <br> So cue this particular gust of wind: I have a coworker, I will call them J. J is clearly somebody who prides themselves on being smart, no-bullshit, analytical, and kind of mocking in humor. This is widely known about J -- another coworker jokingly tells J they would be an amazing cross-examiner. My boss may have some kind of opinion about J's personality, unclear, but seems to trust J. I think J is competent. I actually have no specific issue with J in and of themselves, as I think analytical no-bullshit people are really necessary on teams.<br> <br> Except that J's mere presence makes me totally fall apart. I can't explain how profoundly bad about myself I end up feeling when J picks apart something I'm working on (again, ostensibly a reasonable role given that we are on a small team that produces a lot of writing that needs critique), comes in and totally ignores me or begrudgingly engages me (I'm not overbearing in my requests for socializing or anything, I swear! I just try to greet kindly and carry on. but I just feel like waves of dismissiveness radiating out from J). <br> <br> In the moment, I try to be professional, warm but brief with J, and to match J's tone of analytical specificty when working together. But I just end up feeling like a big fuckup whenever J is in the office. J was absent for several weeks over the winter break, and I felt so much more calm and collected, excited about the work, able to cooperate successfully with other team members, etc. Now with J back, I'm starting to enter into Avoidant Cycles which are really, really toxic for me. Like, hey maybe I should wait a bit to come into work today, okay now I'm there late and I have a brief unsatisfying converastion with J, maybe I should just duck out early to a coffee shop to work from there, shit J must have been doing things with the other members who must all despise me now too, I should just keep avoiding the office whenever possible.. <br> <br> Clearly, my personal attunement to others, and specifically my issues with rejection and self esteem, are sabotaging me. What I'd really like for myself is to be able to say "okay, J is not your ideal person or your ideal coworker, but there's merit to J's approach, and also you need to function as a human being. So here's the best-practices approach to these interactions and these situations. Do it and set aside any other grief."<br> <br> But I'm not there yet. I'm surprised how poignant my stress about this is -- how it affects everything and just kind of destabilizes me across the board. Again, small house, doors and windows thrown open. I went home today (at a reasonable time) to take Klonopin and write this out, because I know I have to nip this in the bud and get on with my life. But I need help. <br> <br> tl;dr: How do I come up with some effective way to deal with myself inwardly crumbling in my interactions with dismissive, rejecting J? And what else can I do to build up resilience so folks like J don't totally dismantle me in the future?,2014:site.256257 Thu, 30 Jan 2014 15:25:21 -0800 Anonymous I turned him down. So why do I keep thinking about him? I met someone online. Had a great date with him, but ultimately decided not to pursue things with him. So why can't I get him out of my head? And should I try again with him? I met a guy online over a month ago and to say we hit it off is an understatement. We met in person and I had such a good time with him! I felt like I was talking to a great friend. But I didn't feel the "spark" that I had felt with guys I ultimately ended up dating. I didn't get any butterflies or any desire to rip his clothes off; he was just a really cool guy who I had a lot of fun talking to and getting to know.<br> <br> He asked me out again the next day and I agonized over the decision. On the one hand: had a great time with this wonderful guy. On the other hand: felt more of a "buddy" kind of vibe. Should I go out with him again and see if attraction could develop over time? Or would that be leading him on? I ended up telling him that although I had a great time, I didn't think we had <em>that</em> kind of chemistry. He took it very, very well and wished me luck--and that should've been it, right?<br> <br> The problem is that I can't stop thinking: Did I make a mistake? Did I make a rash decision? I've always gone for the guys I had that instant "zing" factor with and those situations ended up blowing up in my face, big time. Maybe this was more of a slow burn situation that could've been really good. I have a terrible habit of making snap judgments in dating/relationships--I either trust people way too quickly and then end up getting hurt, or I push people away before I can even give them a chance because I don't want to get hurt or whatever.<br> <br> I've rejected people before and have never felt like this. Granted, there were red flags with those guys, so I never felt like I was "missing anything" by ending things with them. There was relief and I didn't really think about them much afterwards. With this guy there's just regret.<br> <br> Should I reach out to him and tell him I'd like to try again and see how things develop (yes, I know full well that he might not be interested anymore, and I'd respect that)? If I do, how would I even phrase it? Or would that just be totally out of line and awkward, considering we only met up once and I was the one who turned him down?,2014:site.255534 Sat, 18 Jan 2014 10:16:18 -0800 Anonymous Letter etiquette, reply to a job offer: 'thanks, but no thanks' My SO applied for, was interviewed for, and subsequently was offered an academic post (lectureship). Some stuff just wasn't right from the outset, and all the contact with the department made it clear that it's not the right place to be working. Please help us to say 'no thanks' correctly. In addition, SO's got a new publication and an extension to the current project (an extra 4 years as a postdoc), so the idea of jumping into a dissatisfying-looking and unhealthy-seeming department is less appealing. It'd mean giving up on 4 years of future research, and the advantages which it could bring to a future career, in place of accepting a rather full-on teaching load. This all came about since the original application, which was in spring this year – it takes a long time for appointments to be made in this country and I figure they must expect quite a high attrition rate as applicants get posts elsewhere (but note: SO didn't withdraw from the job application before now). <br> <br> I think apart from the nervousness about looking a gift-horse in the mouth (lectureships are hard to get, the academic job market is terrible, etc), we are decided that the answer's got to be a 'no thanks'. So we don't need advice on the decision-making. But it's a tricky letter to write, and the nervousness means our abilities to monitor whether we're getting the tone right are compromised. The ideal outcome: a way to say 'no thanks', so that SO doesn't seem unprofessional and so that no future ill-will is engendered.<br> <br> So, here's a draft (below), and here's a question: do you think it's important that SO should, in addition, be making personal contact (phone, email) with the person (Head of Dept) who invited SO's application in the first place? The HoD is part of the problem with the post, in many respects (HoD has a reputation as a bully, indeed, it's partly because of this that SO applied in the first place), and the thought of personally contacting HoD is unappealing, particularly with this kind of reply.<br> <br> Dear %name (%post) and %name (%post),<br> Re: Offer of employment - %role at Department of %academic study (%job ref)<br> I was pleased to receive your letter offering me the position of %role at the Department of %academic study. Regrettably, after considerable deliberation, I write to decline the appointment. Since the time of my application in %date my employment circumstances have changed and at the present time I feel that my future career prospects are best served by remaining in my present position.<br> I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for considering my application and taking the time to interview me. I wish you luck in securing an excellent candidate to fill the post. <br> Yours sincerely,<br> <br> Any thoughts? All suggestions / improvements welcome!,2013:site.253958 Thu, 19 Dec 2013 06:32:21 -0800 Anonymous Deciding if to turn a "breakup" into a friendship Someone who I bonded with decided we had no spark, but wants to be friends. I am having trouble dealing with being rejected and my lowered self-esteem from the rejection but I feel like he is such a special person that I want to keep him as a friend. We had an intense online relationship for three months and dated for less than 2 weeks. Reading all these posts on MetaFilter has really helped me deal better with my breakup, but I still feel a inner turmoil about how I should handle my own situation. I don't feel that I trust my judgment I am. Help on the matter is appreciated or just some advice or words would help me get through this. I'm in my late mid-twenties and was talking to a medical student in his early thirties through OKCupid. He is currently at school far away, but lives 1 hour away from me. We pretty much instantly got along because our family backgrounds (coming from a poor family), careers (I am a nurse), intelligence, personality, love of dogs, and future goals are very similar. We are both serious daters and are looking for someone we can marry. Because he was at med school, we were unable to meet for 3 months, but we were talking every day by text, sometimes, email, and webcam. At one point we it both felt like we were at love online. <br><br> The only real big issue we seem to have was his concern about how my face looked because he was a very visual person. At that point, I did tell him I have some acne issues and there may be pores he cannot see on my face in my multitude of pictures. He became a little obssessive and wanted a hi-def picture of me. I became upset because he has so many visuals of me, ie webcam and my facebook account. He ended apologizing and I relented and sent him a hi-def picture of myself to which he told me it did not change the way he felt and that he and I were going to hit it off. <br><br> We made plans to meet during his two week vacation late this summer--he promised to spend all that time with me and I took a few days off work. As our relationship online progressed he started thinking me of his lover and he called myself his future boyfriend. While I felt the same way about him, I did not want to say those things when we had not met. When we met after three months, we had a real good time going out and we acted as a couple--holding hands, kissing, and linking arms around each other. You could say I made the first move by inviting him to give me a backrub. I feel that is important to mention because he later mentioned that he had trouble bonding with my face during our time together. I started noticing we were not bonding the same intense way we had online, but thought it was mostly because we kind of meeting in person for the first time. Because we were acting like a couple, we went off on a weekend trip together as planned, and fooled around, but I did not sleep with him because we weren't ready at our point in the relationship. <br><br> Though he talked to me just the same as before, he no longer seemed attracted to me. The day before he returned to medical school, I confronted him, and he decided he had doubts about me and wanted to be friends. He said it was not because of my acne; that I was rather cute, but he could not bond with my face. He told me he did not feel like I was a goddess and that is how it should be. He said he did not feel the spark and it should be there from the beginning. He said that my presence online was not the same as in person. He said he thinks we would have gotten along very well, and I was way better than his ex, but we would have ended up roommates. (He was with his ex for 9 years, but they broke off when marriage approached, and she decided he was more like a roommate though he was very committed to her.) <br><br> We decided to be friends, but for me to have some time to deal with it. I was not talking to him, but after a week he texted to me and it felt like the way we always used to talk. But because I was still mourning the loss of our relationship some of the topics were why our relationship did not continue on longer, how I felt he mislead me, why would he act like my boyfriend and go on a weekend trip and fool around with me when he decided he had no spark with me in the first few days, and decide later simply it did not work out after all the connection we had online. He admits he was an asshole. After awhile I became very depressed over this rejection, to the point where I felt suicidal, I told him, and he admitted he has hurt me deeply, and since then we decided no contact again till I was ready. <br><br> I feel like I dealing better with the breakup now (and I understand I have hard time dealing with rejection because of my distant relationship with my parents), but am unsure if I should keep him as a friend because I question his quality as a person...yet I feel so close to him because of our similarities it would really suck not to have him in my life. It's rare to find that. Has anyone been friends with someone after a similar situation?,2013:site.250884 Sat, 26 Oct 2013 10:08:56 -0800 LadyAerin A friendly rejection What's the friendliest way to decline future dates from someone you've been out with a few times but just aren't that into? I'm a 30 year old straight woman in Brooklyn that's been doing the whole OKCupid dating thing for years now. I have learned enough about myself and dating to know after two or three dates that I don't (or do) want to head toward a relationship. I've probably been out with 15 or 20 people that are perfectly nice or with whom I have a lot of fun but with whom I don't want to pursue a relationship. A good half of these people probably feel the same way, but then there are the ones I can tell like me more than I like them who will ask me to go out again. What's the nicest/best way to turn these guys down?<br> <br> For example--I've seen S twice in the last two weeks. He's smart and funny and attractive and all that, but I know for various reasons that I don't want to keep dating him. He texted me saying that he really likes me and asking when he could see me again. What's the best way to respond? I usually say some variety of "Hey I think you're fun and attractive but I think we'd be better off as friends [which I would sincerely be okay with] than dating". I feel like there's some better way to say it, but maybe not. What do you say when turning down likable/friendly people that you don't want to date in order to do the least damage to their self-confidence?,2013:site.246880 Sun, 18 Aug 2013 16:54:10 -0800 greta simone Friends WITHOUT benefits? I've declined romantic overtures from X in the past. Subsequently, X made repeated friendly overtures toward me. My reciprocation of friendly overtures made X angry. I'm not sure if I need a reality check, or if X does. Apologies for the tortured, anonymized structure of this question.<br> <br> X is in my outer circle of friends: not a close friend, but one who I see at social gatherings once every month or so. I generally enjoy talking with X. About a year ago, X indicated to me that X was romantically interested in me. At that time, I very clearly told X that I wasn't interested in romance, but that I was interested in friendship. X thanked me for my straightforwardness and we went on about our daily lives. Since the time I told X that I wasn't interested, X has continued to act friendly toward me. X basically acts like a normal not-close friend would - X chats with me at social functions, etc.<br> <br> Recently, X and I were both present at a social function and all seemed well, so when I subsequently hosted a social function, I invited X. At both of these functions, the person I am currently romantically involved with was present. After X left the social function I hosted, X sent me several long, angry messages telling me that I should not have invited X and that X was crushed I was involved with the person I am involved with. X also accused me of stringing X along.<br> <br> Um, what? I've been trying to unpack what confuses me and makes me upset about this situation, and there are a few things:<br> <br> - As I stated, X and I are not close. How is it possible that X has spent a year carrying a torch for me when we are really little more than social acquaintances? I am sort of offended by the idea, to be honest, because it makes me feel like X thinks of me as an object: otherwise, how could it be possible for X to (evidently) pine for me for so long when X doesn't even know me?<br> <br> - This behavior does not seem normal to me. I am the type of person who is eventually able to be friends with an actual ex. I am almost always able to be friends with someone I briefly dated. And neither of those situations applies here. Am I missing something?<br> <br> - Have I strung X along? This idea seems insane to me. I have never so much as flirted with X, and when X pitched romance I balked immediately and in no uncertain terms. The only thing I can think of that might have even planted this idea in X's head is this: a few months ago, X was not present at a mandatory professional function, and I sent X a Facebook message asking whether X was all right. Does this constitute stringing X along?,2013:site.244441 Wed, 10 Jul 2013 07:50:33 -0800 Anonymous Should we really though? Really? *Squints like Larry David* Is "We should get a drink sometime" actually a very polite rejection? Me: late 20s, female, mostly straight, fairly outgoing<br> <br> When I meet a man I have enough initial chemistry with to exchange contact details, I will generally (but not always) contact him to at least say hi. <br> <br> Often, this leads to <strong>him</strong> suggesting that we get a drink sometime - which leads me to respond with something like, <em>"Sounds good, when works for you?"</em><br> <br> This is puzzlingly met with silence. <br> <br> What am I missing here? Am I taking the "invitation" to have a drink too literally? <br> It's not at all like me to detect false positives when it comes to personal chemistry, so what's up?<br> <br> Should I proceed differently in the future?,2013:site.244126 Thu, 04 Jul 2013 18:06:58 -0800 Anonymous It'd be improper to tell him his joke made me suicidal, I guess. I keep finding myself in a peculiar and <em>incredibly</em> disheartening group social dynamic. I need practical guidance on how to "fix" the latest one, and maybe some suggestions on how to head these things off <em>before</em> we get to <em>Suicidal Ideation</em> pass. To preface: <strong>yes, I'm on meds and in therapy</strong>. Lots of them both. I am specifically seeking the kind of real-world "do this not that" advice which therapists are for the most part told not to give patients. And yes, I have read <a href="">this question</a>; this is different (*)<br> <br> *********************************************************<br> <strong>Very, very, very short version:</strong><br> <br> I HAVE: A person ("Brad") who has made fun of me publicly so many times my self-esteem is in the toilet and I don't want to ever be in his company again; we're both in a social group I really need to be in and he has no reason to leave. This happens to me a lot, and has my whole life.<br> <br> I NEED: Not being in a situation where I am constantly being made fun of.<br> <br> I WANT: An apology from Brad for the most recent incident, a promise that he will stop making fun of me, and <strike>world peace</strike> Brad actually realizing <em>why</em> he's wrong to have behaved this way. Also, a way of getting these situations to not get nearly this bad <em>next</em> time.<br> <br> MAJOR COMPLICATION: I am actually in this social group because my therapist has given me an ongoing <em>assignment</em> to be socially active; I'm there to get used to be people, become comfortable around them, and practice social skills. The group isn't meant for that - we picked something that involves an activity I enjoy so that I'd keep showing up even when things were uncomfortable for me. Making eye contact is uncomfortable for me, so you can imagine how "let's hold Fee up to be joked at in front of everyone including random strangers" feels.<br> <br> OTHER INFO: I was recently absent from the group for over half a year due to<a href=""> a major depressive episode that incidentally kept me off work completely</a>. I know that this absence (amongst many other more minor things) has annoyed Brad greatly. He doesn't know why I was gone, just that I dropped the ball, as it were.<br> <br> <br> *********************************************************<br> <strong>Much longer version:</strong><br> <br> I have been and will presumably always be "the weird kid." I have diagnostic labels to back me up on this one; my <a href="">social cognition</a> and social skills are impaired, my interests don't match up with widely accepted social norms, I have lots of strange habits and only limited interest in changing or ability to change them, etc., etc. (**)<br> <br> One of the more irritating and debilitating results of all of this is that I keep <strong>getting into situations where it is OK to consistently make me the butt of "casual, gentle, good-humored, innocent" public call-outs</strong>. On a continuous basis, such that when one member of the group is called out perhaps once in a year, I am called out twice in a week. And yeah, I do count them now, because I'm very much beyond the point where I truly believed this was OK.<br> <br> The pattern is pretty much always as follows, as I attempt to integrate into any new group:<br> <br> <blockquote>Week 1: I am terrified and say nothing.<br> <br> Week 2: I am terrified and say almost nothing.<br> <br> Week 3: I am incredibly nervous and say very little, most of it apparently very strange.<br> <br> Weeks 4-5: I am still pretty freaking nervous, but people are mostly responding to me as though what I say is both "really smart and interesting" and also "strange." I get compliments about my technical skills and the extent of my knowledge, and people ask me for advice about computers and history and other things which were always, always, always subjects in school.<br> <br> Weeks 5-8: Same as weeks 4 and 5, except now a handful of people have added me to the "it's okay to make fun of her strangeness, all the time, and she's cool with it, we can tell that because of her nervous laughter and attempts to be nice to us" list. I am the only person in the group on that list.<br> <br> Weeks 9-20: Same as weeks 5-8, except now I'm actually <em>joining in</em> and making self-deprecating jokes <em>about the exact same things</em>. I don't ever joke about or criticize anyone <em>else</em>, or mention how much this stuff is hurting me. Depending on my overall mental health and the amount of insight I have at any given moment, I tend to switch between saying to myself "why am I doing this to myself" and "I totally deserve this."<br> <br> Week 21: I have a huge breakdown (public or private, it varies) and quit the group, possibly in conjunction with a "random" cross-state or cross-country move.<br> <br> Week 463: I get a tragically heartfelt apology from the people who were making all those "jokes," because now they all feel really terrible about how they behaved back then. Approximately half the time, they will be so embarrassed that they route the apology through a third party. Sometimes they buy me things. I have an astonishing number of heartfelt apologies from formerly clueless tormentors in my possession.</blockquote><br> <br> The people who put me into the "okay to make fun of" category are almost always of the same personality type (this has been constant since I started elementary school, and I'm now in my thirties.) They're the people you always want to go get a beer with, the folks who organize the tailgate every single weekend, the guy who rents the hall and marshals the troops and hosts an AMAZING Halloween costume party annually and has since before anyone can remember. They are always the "cool" kids, even when it's in a room full of complete geeks (e.g., they're the guy who figured out how to get Ray Bradbury to come to our room party at the con, or the one who somehow got the very best score in the trivia contest despite being hammered...) They never, ever, ever "hang on" to anyone else.<br> <br> It's fair to say that both my tormentors and I come across as having equally very-strong personalities, but I tend to try and hide socially, <em>except</em> when I am completely confident because "I can do this!!!!!" in a technical or knowledge-based field of some sort - I'd make a great minister-without-portfolio, but a terrible agency administrator. I've never participated in any of the aforementioned tailgates, Halloween parties, hotel room gatherings, or trivia contests, largely because I'm terrified. It's also fair to say that few people know I'm terrified - I suspect they think I feel I'm <em>above</em> all that stuff.<br> <br> Every time that I'm aware of so far, the joking (and some rather less friendly commentary, including one remarkable case of outright plotting to drive me out of the group,) has also continued in private. On two occasions I found out out this entirely by accident (though I'm not sure how "accidental" someone posting their mean-girl chat logs on their personal website, and then someone forwarding me the website, really is.)<br> <br> Right <em>now</em>, I believe things are still at the open mockery stage. However, this group is a lot more prone to criticizing anyone who's not there, and being nice to their faces when present, than I'm used to. There's a very large amount of "uncomfortable laughter and hoping Roger can be redirected" in smaller strategy type meetings.<br> <br> <br> *********************************************************<br> <strong>Now for the solution part:</strong><br> <br> PROPOSED LANGUAGE:<br> <br> The stuff I <em>want</em> to say (or <em>want</em> to want to say) to my current focus subject, "Brad," includes:<br> <br> <ol><li>I found your "joke" the other day to be really hurtful and also confusing. It felt humiliating and disrespectful, and I am having trouble seeing what you might have wanted to get from it other than to make me feel bad.<br> <li>I think the rest of the people in the room were confused, as well - and I'm pretty sure you made a lot of us really uncomfortable.<br> <li>The pattern of jokes and references to my past mishaps or "funny moments" in public is really not fun for me, and I'd like it to stop immediately.<br> <li>If you can't refrain from making these jokes, please let me know now so I can leave the group before being publicly humiliated again.<br> <li>I don't particularly care if you meant to "hurt my feelings" or not. Your intent is really not the point as far as I'm concerned.<br> <li>If I do something that upsets you or that you think was inappropriate, please tell me in private and refrain from making it a part of the group's acceptable set of stereotypes about me.<br> <li>What you said was pretty clearly out of line by every standard of decency and civilized behavior I can think of, particularly given your status as an elected leader of our group actually in charge of the meeting. I think it was, in fact, an abuse of power.<br> <li>I struggle to understand how to reconcile your behavior with your stated goal of getting more people to join our group, particularly in light of the fact you said it in front of people who are prospective members!<br> <li>I am disinclined to attend another meeting of the group where you are in charge. I also don't want to be put in a position where you're in authority over me.<br> <li>Is this the part where I point out that you have actually asked me to put in a good word for you with people on a hiring committee????</li></li></li></li></li></li></li></li></li></li></ol><br> <br> Some of that stuff is obviously just venting and doesn't belong, but I can't tell if any of it is right. I'm severely tempted to include a link to some kind of website about non-violent communication, being supportive and non-crappy to others in general, or something. I'm also tempted to delete all of this stuff and let myself be abused, or alternatively to quit, block everyone in the group on email and Facebook, and pretend I don't know any of them even though I know I'll run into them all constantly for the next decade at least.<br> <br> I also will not be saying any of it in person. It's bad enough dealing with the apologies in person; I can barely talk when that happens, and actually criticizing someone is most definitely beyond me. I'm in tears trying to write this question out, for heaven's sake.<br> <br> ALTERNATIVES, ETC.<br> <br> Things I've <em>thought</em> about doing:<br> <br> <ol><li>Telling "Janet," another member of the group who I am much closer to (and whose body language and nervous laughter makes me think she's going to be somewhat on my side on this,) some of the things above, such as "What Brad did is really unacceptable to me, what do you think I should do" or "I'm thinking of leaving the group, in large part because of Brad and the constant jokes about me," or "What do you think the best way is to get people in the group to stop making fun of me like they have been," or "I thought Brad was way out of line the other day; what do you think?"<br> <li>Putting all of this off indefinitely so that I can do things like bring this up with my therapist or EAP counselor, read "How To Talk So Others Will Listen" or "Difficult Conversations" (both of which I own and have skimmed through but not studied in depth with a specific scenario in mind,)<br> <li>Making this more public, either in a relatively passive or active way (we have an opportunity for people to give brief random statements or express their opinions in front of the group, so I could do anything from "Ten Ways To Not Be a Jerk" to "This is something I've really got to get off my chest about how this group functions and how it affects me as an individual.)<br> <li>Sending Brad an anonymous note.</li></li></li></li></ol><br> <br> <br> The trouble I have with going through Janet or my therapist or the rest of it is that I'm supposed to be working (really hard) at being less avoidant and passive, and more direct and assertive. I'm supposed to not use anonymous notes pretty much ever (not that it'd exactly work this time,) and I'm supposed to be trying to assertively confront people. This is also why I don't like the idea of putting this off to read, etc., though there's also more than a hint of "this is really excruciatingly painful and taking a genuine step to actually resolve it is likely to provide real psychological relief in a way that just studying some more is not likely to do." Oh, and I hate getting Janet involved. I hate making anyone uncomfortable or put out in any way ever; it's like drawing teeth getting myself to ask for help from doctors and therapists, let alone people who "don't deserve and haven't asked for this at all" (in my head.)<br> <br> I'd also appreciate advice on (or references/books about) that transition between week 5 and week 21 in the pattern described above. I know that I make myself the Scrappy(***), the weird kid, the one it's safe to criticize and mock and so forth. I just never seem to catch myself before I've turned into that, or successfully undo it before I really do honestly reach thinking about suicide, running away from it all, etc. The percentage of my time devoted to thinking about the dynamic in a particular social group has made me feel like crap lately just goes up and up and up, until I hate myself and them and pretty much want to die all over again.<br> <br> <strong>My #1 priority at this point has to be, by the way, protecting my emotional stability.</strong> If staying away from a deep depressive episode (and thus keeping my job, health insurance, etc.,) means quitting this group and pretending I've never met Brad, Janet, or anyone else there, then that's what I'll do. I'd rather not, though, because at some point I'm going to be in a new social group and suddenly find myself dealing with Barry and Susan, Brad and Janet's respective long-lost identical twins.<br> <br> In case it matters: none of the people involved (should) know about the nature of my medical conditions, and certainly they don't know that I've been driven to serious despair over this kind of stuff by these recent incidents or the stuff that happened back in school. They <em>do</em> all know that I'm a serious advocate for mental illness awareness, treatment, and anti-stigma stuff.<br> <br> <br> *********************************************************<br> <small>(*) This is more about long-term "Fee is now the person we repeatedly make the same handful of jokes about and is the designated person about whom all jokes are invariably made, at a rate typically exceeding one per gathering." Also, these aren't typically "take the Mickey out" jokes where you can say "yeah and" - this is repeatedly "we don't dare bring cupcakes because Fee will eat every last one of them harharhar," every week for going on 87 weeks straight due to <em>one day</em> when I ate three cupcakes in two hours.<br> <br> (**) My diagnoses include but are not limited to Avoidant Personality Disorder/Social Phobia, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Panic Disorder w/Agoraphobia. For example, I put my hands over my ears when people in the group all clap too loudly for me to take, I remind them that we're required to follow such-and-such law in order to avoid such-and-such consequences from the IRS, etc. - I'm a weird pest, and I know it. I also often don't go to things because I can't get myself out the door at all that day, or I have to bow out because a panic attack or med side effects keep me from doing anything. My social skills issue <em>specifically</em> isn't "not knowing what" so much as "not knowing when/how/why," and getting over the hump to "actually doing." There is also, however, a bit of "look, I'm OK with how I am, and really at this point, I'm not in the mood to try and force myself to be different;" in high school I deliberately tried to dumb-down my vocabulary, in college I forced myself to become interested in college football, etc.; I'm not doing that kind of stuff anymore just to "blend in" better. In any case, the many-many-many-thousands of dollars spent on my treatment, the hundreds of hours spent in therapy and in doctors offices, and the insane amount of work I've done, are why I'm asking this question instead of one about making a new life in Alaska or something.<br> <br> (***) More in the sense that it's <a href="">OK to belittle me</a> than in the sense that I'm <a href="">hated</a>. I'm actually pretty sure that most of the time, people don't really hate me. They don't <em>act</em> like they hate me - they act like I <em>don't mind</em> getting kicked in the face a lot because it <em>doesn't hurt people like me</em>, and that I'm part of the segment of society that it's 100% OK to mock... up until the precise moment when you cause a complete emotional breakdown, at which point you feel bad and buy them cookies. Like how they treated Screech in Saved By The Bell, except <em>everyone</em> in the current scenario is over 30. I'm more of a "not-person" rather than a "bad person."</small><br> <br> <br> *********************************************************<br> <b>So That You Don't Need To Scroll Up:</b><br> <br> <ol><li>What should I say to Brad? Which of my ten line items are brilliant, terrible, usable, usable-with-some-edits...?<br> <li>Should I involve Susan? What about my counselors? Should I put this stuff off to do research? Just quit altogether?<br> <li>Any information about (or resources for) the "don't be That Girl anymore" thing? <br> <li>All of this is in the context of my <strong>permanently</strong> impaired social abilities/awareness/etc., and the related fact that in a very real sense I'm giving them legitimate reasons to mock me. They're being rude, and that's not OK, but they're not being rude at <em>random</em>, and <em>I</em> handle all social stuff poorly.<br> </li></li></li></li></ol>,2013:site.243378 Sat, 22 Jun 2013 12:58:13 -0800 Fee Phi Faux Phumb I Smell t'Socks o' a Puppetman! Should I go no contact or continue to hang out? I met this girl last year at a party, she was slightly interested in me back then (I found out from her recently) but never pursued me and we did not keep in touch. I met her once again 2 months ago, this time I was mesmerised at first sight. I hung out with her 2 times with my friends and finally mustered the courage to ask her out on a date. She said yes, but I could sense from the get go that she was not as into me as I was into her, stating that she wants to take things slow. We went out on 3 dates, made out on the first and slept together on the third. Two days later, she said I was sending out cues that I'm very serious about it and am possessive of her, and how that freaks her out. She said that she is in no shape for a relationship in that she needs to heal and is going through too many things at this point in time. It was going very well otherwise, I thought we had great chemistry. We were supposed to meet a week later, but two days prior to the date she told me over the phone that she no longer wants to pursue a sexual relationship. She feels it would be insincere to me and admitted that she's not over someone she dated a few months ago. I asked if that meant she wants me to disappear, she talked me out of it for hours saying that she likes me and is attracted to me but just not having any romantic feelings. She says she wants a heart to heart connection with someone and wants things to develop from there. She says she's been passionate (like how I am now) with other people before and it doesnt last. Plus, she wants me in her life because she believes I can motivate her. That was one of the reasons why she liked me too.<br><br> Ever since that night, she calls and texts me much more often than before. When we hung out again, I noticed how her body language changed completely--it became foreign to me. I'm very into her and it is difficult for me to keep things casual without trying to impress her or seek her acceptance everytime we hang out. I'm miserable with or without her right now because it's not being reciprocated. My gut feeling tells me she's never going to fall for me.. I mean I've hung out with her 6-7 times over the past month and she hasnt fall for me, shouldnt that be a red flag? According to her, this is a big assumption and a self-fulfilling prophecy. I disappeared after the night we "hung out", a few days later she called and insisted, emotionally, that I give this a try. After a few days, I just couldn't take it anymore. The whole process was ruining my self-esteem and making me obsessed with someone who is still thinking about her past and just not into me. So I called it off, I was very resentful and would not accept friendship because that's not the terms I signed up for although she's a really cool person whom I would love to hang out with. Right now, I am not willing to compromise and be friends because I think it is unfair and unhealthy for myself.<br><br> It's been a week now with no contact and I'm still processing whether I've done the right thing. Should I have been more patient and give this friendship a chance to grow into something more? I hope this no contact phase can make me stronger but I'm struggling to move on because I'm contemplating the decision everyday. I like her a lot and think there's so much I can learn about myself from pursuing whatever this is. I am tempted to go back, but I'm not sure if already driven her off the edge with conversations about what will become of us. I'm not even sure if it's a decision I can take back, but please just help share with me your thoughts and perspectives on how I should resolve this with myself. Thanks.,2013:site.241853 Wed, 29 May 2013 01:36:08 -0800 polyhistor I didn't get the job, but I have been sort of offered a better job? I didn't get the job, but I have been sort of offered a better job at the same company in the future? Is there anything I can do besides wait? I'm currently an office manager for a small marketing firm. It's a very small company, the owner and I are the only administrative staff, everyone else is a sales manager. I've been sort of applying for jobs here and there that sound appealing since I have the advantage of already having a job and I'm worried about the financial health of my company.<br> <br> I applied for an executive assistant position for the president of a medium sized, successful, local company. I killed my interviews and it was between another person and me, they went with the other person. <br> <br> I wrote the customary "thank you for not hiring me" letter and asked if they had any feedback. The president called me and spoke with me for about 40 minutes about how I should not feel bad at all for not getting the job, the other person's personality fit the assistant role better, but he did want to hire me for a marketing position. Yay!!<br> <br> It was a very flattering phone call, but essentially he said he recognized my creativity and talent and thought my personality would be wonderful for a marketing position. He said he still very much wants me to work for the company and he will "make" a position for me. However, he said their budgeting was done at the beginning of the year and there's no position for me to fill so I might have to wait until then. After further discussion he seemed to think that maybe he could make it happen sooner.<br> <br> Now, I have very little marketing experience, but I was a digital art major and am very familiar with most creative software. I currently work at marketing firm and produce a great deal of marketing material and come up with marketing ideas. I didn't study it at all, but I am very interested in it and so far I've made significant contributions to my current company.<br> <br> In short: THIS COULD BE AN AMAZING OPPORTUNITY FOR A FIELD THAT I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN, BUT DIDN'T REALLY INTEND ON GETTING INTO. I am SOOO stoked and feel like this could really be like my "big break" into the marketing field. The company I would work for is really wonderful to their employees and seems to value innovation and out-of-the-box ideas. I REALLY REALLY want to work for them. In this phone conversation the president pretty much told me that they would be happy to pay to do everything I love to do!<br> <br> My question: How do I make sure this opportunity doesn't slip away? <br> <br> I didn't send a thank you note for his phone call (this was Friday), because I already sent a thank you note for not getting the job and thanked him many times over the phone and I thought it might be overkill. <br> <br> When and how is it appropriate to e-mail him to follow-up? Is there anything that I could send him to help further affirm that I would be a great employee? <br> <br> I think I can clearly articulate specific examples of how I've boosted my current company's social marketing, e-mail campaigns, web visibility, etc. Should I at some point send that in an e-mail? Wait until I get maybe another interview for this potential job?<br> <br> Help? I have no idea what I'm doing here. I know mostly I should wait, but I just want to make sure that I follow-up on this as appropriately, professionally (but persistently) as possible because I really, REALLY, REALLY want this job.<br> <br> Any advice is highly appreciated.,2013:site.240544 Tue, 07 May 2013 13:00:10 -0800 ad4pt How do I respond to resume rejection because of high salary expectations I sent my resume for a job that I am very qualified for but just received a message that my expectations are above the scope. They did not provide a range, just a requirement to include expected salary in the cover letter. I stated my salary and said that it is negotiable. I have plenty of wiggle room, I am in a new market that is a bit lower than others I've been in (I did lower it from past compensation, but not enough apparently). What can I say to convey I still want to be considered &amp; am willing to take up to $15k less without sounding desperate? I am worth every penny that I asked for, and that is not just my opinion. I am very very good at what I do but again, I realize it is a new, different market so I am ok with lower...,2013:site.239613 Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:24:25 -0800 Snackpants How to drop out of an interview process without alienating anyone? What's the best way to say you want out of an interview process before it's reached the offer stage? Difficulty: The company is one you want to interact with positively in the future. In the past, I've only turned down jobs after an offer was extended. Doing that was straightforward because you can just say you got a better offer or that the offer didn't meet you needs, and everyone understands.<br> <br> I'm interviewing with Company B tomorrow (first in-person after two phone screens), but I received an offer from Company A after scheduling that interview – an offer that I'm probably going to take. I thought that it was polite to go, and there's a small chance I'll end up finding out Company B is a better place to work.<br> <br> It occurs to me that in the possible event that they're interested in me after the interview and I have to let them know I'm no longer interested, I have no idea how to phrase it to minimize offense.<br> <br> Other pertinent facts:<br> <br> - I have a limited amount of time to accept Company A's offer, so I don't have time to go through Company B's process unless I'm sure I want to turn down Company A.<br> <br> - I want to maintain good relations with Company B because they are active in a community I'm interested in continuing with. The local meetups for this community are at Company B's office.,2013:site.236504 Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:11:54 -0800 Anonymous Is There Ever A Chance After You're Rejected? Do people ever reconsider after rejecting someone? Or is that a pipe dream? I asked someone out and got rejected...but things seem to remain unclear. I’m having an interesting time trying to navigate the results of recently asking my friend out. She rejected me by stating that she “didn’t think we should date.” Overall it went really well and she was really nice about it, and asked if we could still hang out, which I said of course. However, since I asked her out it seems the tables have turned and she has been initiating much more than she used to in terms of asking me to hang out. I was expecting to take some space, but she picked everything right back up 2 days after I asked her out. <br> <br> The first night we hung out after I asked her out she invited me over to meet a new pet she got, and then after a while she suggested we get dinner, completely her initiation and idea. That’s what really surprised me and started this whole process in my head that maybe I still had a chance, or she might change her mind. It felt like we were on a date, and I got seriously thrown for a loop. If it weren’t for my horrible luck – two friends of hers just happened to be in the same restaurant and came running over and asked to join us – we would have been having dinner together at a candle-lit table. <br> <br> Before I asked her out, I was initiating a lot of our meetups and interactions. Now after having asked her out, she is initiating much more than me, on a regular basis. And it’s confusing the hell out of me because it almost seems we are getting even closer since I asked her out. She is not acting obviously flirty, but she just seems to be coming after me with invites, comments on social media with inside jokes only I would know, etc.<br> <br> I’m so, so glad our friendship is not ruined, and it’s not like I want to cut off contact with her or drop her. But I’m seriously confused by her behavior since it seems to be the exact opposite of what I would do if a friend asked me out and I declined.<br> <br> So I guess I’m wondering how to proceed, because it’s slowly making me crazy. I feel like I’m back in the same mental rut I was in before I asked her out with all the second guessing and sign reading I’m doing, wondering if I should contact her and looking at my phone all the time hoping she'll contact me. The way she phrased it when she turned me down plus her current behavior is preventing me from moving on. In my mind it feels like she likes me but there’s some arbitrary reason she doesn’t think we should date (drama? Friends of ex’s? in the last year there was definitely some drama with her and some of my friends. At first I was wary of pursuing anything with her because of all that drama, but over time I just ended up falling for her. And no she isn't the ex of a best or good friend. There could be a long story here but I'll summarize and say; yes there was drama but this is the microcosm of lesbian dating and it's hard to find someone who is completely removed from your friends group.) <br> <br> I would have written her behavior off as her just making sure everything is cool, but after two weeks she continues to initiate a lot of contact (meeting up, social media comments/interactions, etc). It hasn’t been all her, I have initiated here and there because obviously I still like her. But I definitely backed off on how much I had been doing before the rejection.<br> <br> To be fair, most of my friends (and even my psychologist) thought I had a good chance and this girl was into me. That’s why this is hard for me to deal with. I’d be attempting to cut my losses and moving on from her and distancing myself, but obviously that’s hard when the other person is pursuing you to hang out and you REALLY want to be with them. So now I’ll go hang out and have a great time with her…and feel so empty and confused afterword. <br> <br> On one hand I’m SO GLAD I asked her out. But on the other hand, I almost feel like I am back to where I started and it’s frustrating the heck out of me because things seem far from clear right now. I guess the ball is in her court now, but I'm wondering what to do with myself in the meantime, and I keep wondering if there's something I can do to make her come around.<br> <br> So, do people ever change their minds? Do I have a chance and should I continue to stick around and see what happens? Is she just into me as a friend and has no idea about the signals she’s sending? Do I need to give up and stop seeing her and talking to her as much? I welcome any and all ideas and anecdotes.,2013:site.235577 Tue, 19 Feb 2013 10:29:29 -0800 christiehawk Asked Out A Friend. Rejected. Now What? About a month ago I asked about how to flirt with a friend. Well, I asked her out, and got rejected. Now I want to know how to deal with it. About a month ago I <a href="">asked this question</a>, and the overwhelming response was to ask her out. Well, it took me about a month, but after much mixed signals and attempts at trying to get her attention, today I just cut to the chase and asked her to grab coffee with me. After some small talk and a few awkward silences I eventually said that I'd really been enjoying hanging out with her and that she's really cool, and asked her if she'd ever want to go on a date. She said she didn't think we should date. I have no clue what that means and I didn't pressure her to delve into what that means or why she doesn't want to. I told her it was cool and I still wanted to be friends, and she asked if we could still hang out. She was really nice about it and let me down easy and stayed and talked after about random stuff. Overall it went about as well as it could have. Obviously though, it wasn't my desired outcome.<br> <br> I'm still kind of...numb. I don't know how I'm going to feel. I'm oscillating between feeling good for doing it, feeling numb from the release of all the built up stress, and tears over the fact that I can't have her and the sting of rejection.<br> <br> I guess...I'm just looking for tips on how to handle this and not fall into a self destructive spiral. Being gay does not help, as the saying "plenty of fish in the sea" is just not that applicable. And it really sucks because I really clicked with her and found her to be a very decent human being. We get along so well, so it just kills me.<br> <br> I have never once stated my attraction for someone until today and I'm 28. (Long story of coming out and such.) I just don't want to get super cynical and bitter.<br> <br> Any tips or advice would be gladly appreciated.,2013:site.234642 Mon, 04 Feb 2013 23:02:59 -0800 christiehawk what am I doing wrong? Guys keep rejecting me; am I hideous? Well, the question was rather abrupt- I will try to explain more fully.<br> <br> My situation is that over the past several years, I have developed close friendships with guys and then developed romantic feelings for them; however, every single time I tell them of my feelings, the guy tells me he only thinks of me as a friend.<br> <br> I always read/hear that when men and women become friends, often the guy will harbor feelings for the girl, unless she is physically unattractive. Yeah, I know that's a sexist oversimplification, but it still nags at me and makes me wonder if I am just not physically attractive.<br> <br> Some relevant information:<br> <br> 1. (this is kind of huge) So, I have a lot of younger friends (I am now 34). I've had younger friends for several years due to the fact that in the country I live in (of which I am not a citizen) I am often around schools and teaching, and people my age tend to be married with kids already. So...and this will probably jump out at a lot of people- I have befriended male coworkers, classmates, tutorees, ad (in one case) a student) who were all much younger than me, like 4, 8, 10, and 12 years younger. But in all of these cases, honestly, the guy and I became close friends and related mostly like peers...well, but sometimes the relationships did not start off as peers, they were more mentor-mentee type. I look younger than I am. But there you go- by and large, these are the guys I am talking about here and feel free to comment on why I am going after this type of guy.<br> <br> 2. I know the age difference is probably a huge thing and some people may even think I am creepy because of it. But with all of these guys, we eventually became really close, talking about every topic under the sun. Often they would want to be physically close in small ways like sitting near me, leaning on me, etc. Sometimes they would stare at parts of my body at different times. (yet all were clear in the end that they were not interested in a romantic or physical relationship)<br> <br> 3. There have been other guys who have shown interest in me, but never guys that I was friends with.<br> <br> 4. I know this situation sounds really weird. I think may of you will say I should stop interacting with this younger guys in such intimate ways, and I think you are right. But can you help me figure out why I do this? I think I like helping them and almost being a mother figure to them. That's sort of my personality type. I have read that putting others before yourself can actually be a turn-off in terms of sexual attraction.<br> <br> 4. Then I think, well, yeah, they're younger, but they're all adults technically and guys are visual, if I were sexy enough they would be attracted, right? Or perhaps this is just coming from the sexist, always-horny guy fallacy.<br> <br> 5. How I look: Hard to objectively describe this. I care a lot about my health and I work out' every day , but I don't have the body many people associate with that. I am an hourglass US size 12. I wear very little to no makeup. My hair type is frizzy and curly and hard to manage, although I try. I wear glasses. I have some pleasant facial features but I'm not sure most people would describe me pretty. I have nice skin and a large chest.<br> <br> Last part of question: why do I keep thinking these guys are romantically interested when they are not? In the last case, which was pretty devastating, the guy and I knew each other for over 2 years. He had a girlfriend during that time. He recently broke up with her, and I told him how I felt,and he said that he never had romantic or sexual feelings for me. But if you asked me whether he did before, I would have replied that surely he did. I thought i knew, based on the way he looked at me, was around me, touched me in small ways...I really thought the feelings were mutual. And now tat I know they were not I feel like I am a little bit crazy. What made me think the feelings were mutual for so long and how can I prevent that from happening again? In the other cases, I always thought the feelings were mutual as well! I feel so confused by this. What's wrong with my inuition??<br> <br> thanks for reading my question.,2013:site.232445 Fri, 04 Jan 2013 07:44:40 -0800 Anonymous Shy and Unlucky in Love Help me figure out why I'm so unlucky with romance Yes, sorry, another question on this familiar topic. But of course, slightly different.<br> <br> I'm female, almost 34 (but look younger and with lots of younger friends, if that is somehow relevant).<br> <br> I'm shy but can be friendly, have a decent amount of friends, people tell me I am kind. <br> <br> Appearance-wise, well, on a good day i think I look cute. I work out almost every single day, I take care of myself. I'm not a fashion maven and don't wear much makeup but I like to choose flattering clothes and sometimes enjoy putting outfits together. So, Ido n't think a hideous appearance is standing in the way...<br> <br> But there is something going on here. I've had no long-term relationships, just flings with very unsuitable guys (one who was gay, one who was uneducated and untrustworthy, one who was just not on the same page as me.)<br> <br> I know the no long-term relationship yet is not that big a deal. In some ways I choose that because I am independent and enjoy spending time alone. <br> <br> I have quite a few male friends...and in the past I have expressed interest in a couple and they didn't return it. This just happened...with a guy I thought had been vibing on me...he happily told me today he has a new girlfriend. I told him how I felt (to explain why I didn't think we could hang out anymore) and he said he only liked me as a friend). I was crushed. This happened before, a few years ago, the same thing, and I was devasted then and afterwards became afraid to tell guys if I liked them.<br> <br> A friend gave me the feedback that I am shy and hard to get close to so guys don't think I am interested.And a lot of timesI am not interested at first because it takes me time to get to know someone.But how do I change that?<br> <br> Or else there is something else about me? What is it? Or how do I figure it out? I do want to love someone and be in a relationship but it never seems to happen.<br> <br> There have been guys who have expressed interest, but they all just seemed...not right.<br> <br> Sometimes i think that I only like guys who are not right for me.<br> <br> Does this sound familiar to anyone? I'd really appreciate any advice at all. I am really hurting.,2012:site.231429 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 17:27:17 -0800 Anonymous How can I turn him down without crushing him? How can I avoid leading a guy on when he won't come out and state his attraction? I have an aquaintence who has been showing increasingly obvious signs of attraction to me. I guess you could say we are friend. We are friendly, but we haven't really shared enough time/experiences together for me to consider us real friends yet. He's a nice guy, very generous, and I enjoy hanging out with him sometimes. But there's no chemistry for me in a romantic sense.<br> <br> Anyways, although I've been pretty sure he liked me for awhile, lately he's been dropping super obvious hints, and I actually overheard him tell someone else that he is very romantically interested in me. My issue that I come to you for advice is, he isn't saying anything to me directly, nor asking me anything directly. So I can't give him a kind but firm no thanks - because he hasn't ever told me that he is interested in a relationship, even though it's clear that's what he's hoping for. <br> <br> The thing is he has super low self-esteem. I don't know if he's ever been in a relationship before. He always is making deroggatory comments about his looks, his weight, etc. and always saying I can't get women because _______ fill in the blank with some self deprecating comment. I generally will say, that's just not true and you know it. Although lately I just kind of ignore it. I also refuse to give some sort of compliment when he says these things, although I feel like that is what he wants. I feel like it's re-inforcing a maladaptive behavior and teaching him that the way to get compliments or feel better about yourself is to put yourself down in front of other people. He also seems to have a feeling that he is an outsider or something. <br> <br> Anyways, I get the feeling that he is staking a lot on me and the hopes that I return his romantic feelings. I get the feeling he is going to be super crushed if he finds out I'm just not interested. Trust me, I'm not saying that in a self inflated way, honestly he doesn't hardly know me, so any great stock he is putting in me is just his imaginary creation that he thinks is me.<br> <br> Anyways, I kind of tend to be super nice, like in a fluffy way - especially with people I am not super close with. I just laugh a lot and am not very confrontational. Sometimes I think people interpret that as us connecting really well or something. I often get this experience where I will hang out with someone a few times, and they will suddenly think we are way closer/better friends than we are yet. I guess I often say things like - "this was super fun we should hang out again," or just generally have a good time and express that, and then it is interpretted as a cue to move forward in the friendship more than I intended. It's not that I dislike hanging out with these people, I'm serious when I say I'm having fun. Yet I guess I sort of give off a we're best friends vibe, when that's not the case. That explaination to say, I think the same thing is sort of happening with him, I think I am giving off a vibe that indicates more interest than is true. So I'm worried about stringing him along, and don't want to put him through needless pain.<br> <br> He has never asked me out or told me he likes me, it's all sort of passive. He does ask me to do things, but there is usually an excuse - "Oh, I'm trying to write this song, but I don't play any instruments, and I know you're a guitarist, I was wondering if you could come over and help me write out the music." "I just bought a dog. Do you want to bring your poodle to that dog park in town, and help me train my chiuaua. I don't know how to train a dog." Lately he's invited me to some social things too.<br> <br> How can I avoid sending him interested signals while still accepting some of his invitations and being a friend? If he doesn't want to be friends if I'm not romantically interested, that's fine too, I understand. But right now I guess I feel like if I keep being friends with him he is taking it as a sign that I'm interested. <br> <br> Also, clouding my ability to know how to send uninterested signals, I very recently was on the other side of a really intense unreturned crush, and realize I wasn't the most mature well adjusted adult in that situation, I'm sure I probably made the object of my affection feel uncomfortable, and also was super insecure. Although the circumstances were different, I definitely feel like a huge hypocrite and a bit guilty because I didn't give the guy I liked a whole lot of respect for his obvious prerogative to not return the sentiment. So now I feel guilty because I expect the guy that's starry eyed for me to respect my prerogative not to be interested in him : /<br> <br> Also, how can I turn down invitations without making excuses? Is it ok to just say, no I don't want to go eat, no I don't feel like hanging out with you? Is that mean? I don't know if I currently am even able to say, no I don't want to. When I don't want to do things or feel uncomfortable doing them, I generally try to think up a valid excuse...I'm pretty busy so I usually have one. But I know that's not a very mature way of handling things.<br> <br> Thanks in advance!,2012:site.231173 Fri, 14 Dec 2012 22:18:25 -0800 chocolatemilkshakes After a breakup, how do you deal with the rejection? After a breakup, how do you deal with the rejection? My boyfriend of three years broke up with me via telephone six months ago. During our three years together, we developed a tight group of mutual friends. I thought we were going to end up together. My mom also died of cancer during this time, sending me into a depression which has only been made worse by the breakup. He said we were too different, that it wasn't me, that he needed time and space to figure out what he wanted in his life.<br> <br> A few months later I saw him out with another girl. I've heard through the grapevine that he's been going out, flirting, drinking, all that stuff. He seems happy.<br> <br> Me, on the other hand, I've been trying to do all the Right Things. No contact. Unfriended him on Facebook. Been hanging out with my own friends, making new ones, pursuing my own interests, focusing on myself, letting time pass. I can handle being single. I can handle being on my own. But the pervasive thoughts that I wasn't good enough? That he just didn't want me anymore? That after three years he could simply make a phone call and be done with it? That's what's killing me. I've heard time and time again that it's not me. That I shouldn't take it it personally. That it's his loss.<br> <br> Well, I <em>do</em> think it's me, I <em>do</em> take it personally, and he seems to be managing just fine, so I'm not sure he's lost anything.<br> <br> How do you believe--really, truly believe--that the breakup was not a result of some fatal flaw on your part?<br> <br> Some details:<br> -I am in my mid 20's, he in his late 20's.<br> -I've just been diagnosed with severe major depression and been described an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication.<br> -I have been seeing a grief counselor for 8 months.,2012:site.228958 Thu, 15 Nov 2012 09:51:47 -0800 thank you silence I think we should just be friends. Actually, I don't even think that... I met an online suitor who's more into me than I'm into him, and I don't even really want to be friends with him. How can I tell him this? I have just recently ventured into online dating, and during my first date with a suitor I unintentionally said yes to a second date because I misunderstood what my date was asking (thought he was referring to our plans for the latter half of the date, when actually he was referring to going to a restaurant we had talked about when e-mailing at some point in the future). During our time together I really wasn't feeling a spark of any kind--romantic or platonic. There was nothing wrong with him, per se. He just doesn't seem like the type of person I could see myself hanging out with, even as a friend. I feel obligated to at least meet up with him a second time (especially after reading <a href="">this</a>), since I've already said yes; but I don't really see anything happening between us. Yes, I do realize something could happen that would change my mind. But assuming it doesn't, what's the most tactful and respectful way to let him know that I don't want to date, and I don't want to be friends, either?,2012:site.224169 Sun, 09 Sep 2012 21:49:41 -0800 dean_deen