Your Guide to England's Super-Exciting Election

Huzzah! America's Deadbeat Older Brother, the United Kingdom, is holding an election for Best Wizard! Or Prime Minister, or something. Who are the "Party Leaders" who might lead the UK? Is one of them Ringo? We know who Ringo is.

Did you even know that the UK was having an election, on May 6? Did you even know that they have elections, even though they also have a Queen and it would probably just be easier to let her make all the decisions?

Today is the first debate between the leaders of the three major parties—Labour, Conservative and Liberal Democrat. Fun, right? Except that this election has a "special twist," which is that the electorate hates all of its options!

So here is your guide to the UK's party leaders, each of whom is unlikeable in his own, unique, exciting way:

Unlikeable Incumbent: Gordon Brown, Labour
Why No One Likes Him: He's a bully, who says swears to his staff and plotted a mean "blog" about the opposition. Also, his party is full of people who wrote off pornography at the taxpayers' expense.

Unlikeable Opposition: David Cameron, Conservative
Why No One Likes Him: He's a rich dick/cokehead who loves apartheid and takes in shady campaign donations.

Bonus Unlikeable Party Boss: Nick Clegg, Liberal Democrat*
Why No One Likes Him: He "did it" with more than 30 women and drunkenly broke some German cacti. Also, he won't win.

Really, though, no one cares all that much about any of these scandals. But if you were faced with a choice between three parties, headed by magnificently uncharismatic men, whose policy proposals range from "tax the rich slightly more" to "tax the rich the same," wouldn't you want to focus on things like, "Did Gordon Brown yell... at a secretary?" Democracy in action!

* Clegg won't be Prime Minister next because the Liberal Democrats don't have enough support to make him Prime Minister, but thanks to the wacky "parliamentary system," Brown or Cameron may need his support to "form a government" and will therefore "call him all the time" and "ask him out on dates."

[Telegraph; Guardian; Times; BBC; Daily Mail; pic via Getty]