3 November 2011

Depression, a family affair!

So I woudn't normally write two blog posts in a day, afterall i'm a busy lady right, but I really needed to get this out of my head and into words, I am sorry if it goes on and if you manage to read all of it thank you.

I have suffered with depression for many years, probably since I was about 11, the exact moment was when I went to secondary school. I was put into a form with none of my friends, I was lonely and a target for the class bullies.

I started not eating and when I did eat I ate very little, then at about 13 I found that cutting myself gave me a sense of joy. From the outside it all sounds very silly and if you haven't ever done it you really cannot understand the feeling you get from seeing your wrists cut and the pain from cutting them.

I remember once finding a bit of long grass stuff that was quite sharp and I whipped it joyfully across my arms till they were covered in little two or three inch cuts, so many that people noticed and I had to be more careful but it was a great feeling at the time.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I spent the rest of my teenage years cutting and scratching myself in times of upset (which sadly there were a lot of).

At about 15 I fell 'in love' and had a steady boyfriend but towards the end of relationship when we grew apart and he started going out with other women behind my back I started hitting myself in the head. Don't ask why but I would just hit myself in the head, maybe hoping I would kill myself I don't really know!

I did this up until I found the miracle contraceptive pill that changed me, I became chilled and pretty much anger free until after I had my son.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression about four months after my son was born, after a traumatic birth and a very ill husband I had pretty much had enough and would think about how I would end it all (apparently the way in which I would do it is normally a man's way out, thanks I think) . However, I knew my son needed me and I decided to get help and was put on anti-depressants and saw a community support nurse every other week.

So why all the sudden am I thinking about this, well I went to see my mum today and she said she thinks she's depressed. This makes me so sad, so sad I am sat here with tears streaming down my face, I love her and know how it feels to be stuck in the despair of depression and I don't want her to feel this way.

My dad also suffers with depression (which I found out shortly after I had been put on antidepressants after having my son), yet he doesn't seem to have noticed she seems down and this makes me so flipping sad.

I had my husband to confide in and although he really didn't seem to understand at least I could cry at him and get all the crap filling my head out into the open.

Gosh I hate this illness, I mean I really hate it! The mind is such a complicated thing and I really hope my children don't suffer from it, my grandpa on my dads side was 'commited' but whether it is nature or nurture I have no idea.

All I can do is be there for my children and help them if they need me, sadly my parents although lovely and I'd do anything for them, they literally had no idea how to help me through depression. I once stood in the kitchen so angry at being bullied that I grabbed a knife and held it to my wrist in in a fit of anger. My dad said 'go on then do it' , this takes tough love to the extreme and I hope he can be more use to my mum and I to my children.

Thanks if you made it this far, I just needed somewhere to vent this.


  1. Sending you massive hugs honey. We've been through similar experiences and it's awful to feel on the other side of it seeing your Mum go through it. I hope she can get the help she needs you. I am also terrified of my son suffering when he gets older as I think to a certain extent it is nature rather than nurture. BUT I take comfort from the fact that there is more recognition now, and I hope that through people sharing their experiences of depression the stigma can be removed meaning people don't have to suffer in silence in the future xxx

  2. Thanks for your comment hun, I know it is hard and I guess the most difficult thing is I have never mentioned to her about my PND because I didn't want her to think I couldn't look after my son so it is hard to say hey I know how you feel and it will be ok we'll get through it. Oh dear, here come the tears again! Hugs to you, at least our children have us, one reason I try to stay so positive about it now :]

