End Ye Olde Holiday Fights

You told REDBOOK what you argue about with your guy every single year, then we got Judge Marilyn Milian from The People's Court to deliver a final verdict. Cheaper than hiring a lawyer, right?

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CASE #1: "His family comes over, but I end up doing all the work!"

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: Put the kibosh on that dynamic immediately. Couples have a nasty habit of settling into whatever role each one thinks they play best. In this case, you do everything and he watches over the remote, his beer, and ESPN. Either he helps out or you delegate it all to him. That said, make sure you're not demanding Martha Stewart perfection for what should be casual, stress-free entertaining. You can even suggest take-out and disposable plates. When I asked my husband the other day to help me with a dinner party, his response was, "Gladly, but you and I are very different. You are like a shark, always in motion, and I am like the gentle manatee. I need a slower pace." My verdict: You win, but find a way for the shark and the manatee to share the sea harmoniously.

CASE #2: "We can never agree on how much to spend on the kids. I want to shell out more than he does."

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: When you say you "want to shell out more," are we talking the latest video games or violin lessons? Everything is relative. Stretching a budget to spend more on the kids makes sense if it's on logical expenditures—like things that will enrich their education and broaden their horizons. My verdict: You'll both lose if you don't find reasonable middle ground. If you can't get there on your own, bring in a financial expert to hear both of your concerns, break the tie, and come up with a sensible spending plan.

CASE #3: "I like to look for a while to find the perfect Christmas tree, but he wants to buy the first one we see."

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: Oh, if this were only limited to once-a-year Christmas trees! I find that men often choose the path of least resistance, while women are often excessively perfectionist. My verdict: If you take more than an hour, the problem is your obsessiveness, not his impatience, and I rule in his favor.

CASE #4: "I always put a lot of thought into his gifts, and he always gives me some crappy perfume."

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: If you put 100 couples in a room, I think 99 of the women would feel the same way. There is always the rare thoughtful fellow (whom I never seem to have dated), but by and large, I think men and women are wired differently. We put impressive thought into everything, even sometimes simple stuff that doesn't merit it. Men just don't. So find that happy place where you won't be resentful. Make a date to shop together for your present, give him a few suggestions, or have him consult a friend of yours whom you have secretly coached (if you are still trying to pretend it's his effort). But eventually, in the maturing process of a relationship, you reach a point where you're way more concerned about how he treats you on a daily basis, not just on ceremonial occasions like holiday gift-giving. As my 88-year-old father says about my mother, "Every day is her birthday!" It is—and they've been happily married for 56 years. My verdict: You win. If it's important to you, he needs to make a better effort, but give him the guidance he needs.

CASE #5: "I like the holiday decorations to be down by New Year's Day, but he likes to keep them up longer."

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: Lighten up! And that's me talking—I love organization and promptness. But are you kidding me? Have a glass of champagne and relax. If he wants the decorations around until January 31, consider yourself lucky to be with a man who has a whimsical side. My verdict: You lose, soundly.

CASE #6: "He wants to buy our son toy weapons, but I'm against them!"

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: I didn't want any toy weapons in my house either. But even with three daughters, that rule ended up eroding a bit over time. How can I deny them water soakers when we live in Miami, the pool capital of America? On the one hand, you have a right to expect your partner to respect your rule on this topic. On the other hand, don't be too rigid, because issues that currently seem black and white may evolve into subtle shades of gray over time. The important thing is that your child grows up with an awareness about safety and learns to be cautious in dangerous situations, and to respect others. My verdict: You win, for now.

CASE #7: "We argue about having to go to his parents' house, because they live so far away that we always end up needing to stay overnight. And there are already way too may people staying there!"

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: Here you have a loving son who wants to keep his family together, and you can't sacrifice an overnight stay? It's time to compromise, my dear. Either arrange for a hotel or suck it up. But don't ask him to forgo family visits because you find it inconvenient. Family is all about making sacrifices, in return for cradle-to-grave love, support, and fellowship. My verdict: He's a winner—and a keeper!

CASE #8: "We fight over the lyrics to 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.' I say it's 'We all like figgy pudding,' and he says it's 'We all like breaded pudding.' We've been having this argument for 20 years, and he still thinks he's right!"

JUDGE MILIAN RULES: After extensive research (five seconds on the Internet), I have come up with "Now bring us some figgy pudding" and "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding." My verdict: You two have to find better stuff to argue about! Spend a week at my house; we'll give you some ideas.

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