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8 Safest Places to Hide at GVSU In Case Trump Starts a Nuclear War

Lately, President Trump has been off his rocker, mocking North Korea’s leader and claiming that “his nuclear button actually works.” Since The Black Sheep actually cares about the wellbeing of GVSU students, we have compiled a list of the top eight safest places to hide at GVSU for safety in case Trump decides to prove his masculinity by getting the whole country blown up.

8.) Inside the Cook Carillon:
As we all know, the old bricks of the clock tower were replaced last summer with bigger, stronger bricks. This basically means the clock tower is bomb proof–T. Haas knew exactly what Trump would do one day. All you have to do is climb to the top and you’re golden. Also, make sure to chime all the bells as obnoxiously as you can to warn the other students.

7.) A traditional living center:
Those cinder block walls were first designed to be fit for a prison, so they’re bulletproof, and basically bomb proof, too. Just lounge up in your lofted bed, keep watching your Netflix show, and be sure to stay clear from the tiny window!

6.) The connector tunnel:
This is basically the basement of Kirkhof, and “basement” implies underground, which means you’ll be as safe as you can be, considering the circumstances. The old, underground walls of the secret passageway from Kirk to the MIP were built with only the finest Lakers’ tuition dollars, so nothing can knock them down.

5.) Lubbers Stadium:
Nothing can get through those tall, metal gates! If you lay low on the multi-million dollar turf field and play dead, not even a nuclear bomb will be able to touch you. You can thank President T. Haas for this life-saving investment.

4.) Inside the Louie the Laker costume:
This suit has gone through the dankest of man stenches, and still manages to hold up. Nobody has put the costume on and died yet, so it must be pretty tragedy proof. Plus, putting it on will give you all the superpowers you’ve always wanted but never had, so you’ll figure out a way to anchor up and survive the attack.

3.) Inside the GV water tower:
This would be a prime place to hide during an attack because it’s built with steel. Just climb up the ladder and swim around inside until you think the coast is clear! And it’s fine, because even in the rare case that the bomb does melt the tower a bit, you’ll stay cool and protected by the water!

2.) Fresh Food Co:
The odors released from this hellish place will stray away even the strongest of bomb and radiation residue. As long as you can bare the smells of rotting foods, you’ll be safe here. Who knew spoiled eggs and moldy pizza would end up saving your life one day?

1.) Cook-Dewitt:
Are bombs even allowed in churches? We’re pretty sure that’s against the law of all things holy. As long as you enter this blessed building, you’re safe from GVPD handing out MIPs, and you’re safe from a bomb attack, too.

So, the next time you see T. Haas, remember to thank him for inventing Grand Valley, AKA the safest place on Earth to be when Trump’s nuclear war tweets backfire and try to grab us by the you-know-what. Nothing but respect for OUR president.

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