I have a feeling — and it’s a pretty good one — that when the Sox play Baltimore, whether it’s Grapefruit or regular season, they assign someone to “Millar duty.” This means checking the bus, equipment bags, etc. to be certain that El Bencho isn’t trying to somehow smuggle himself back to Fort Myers or Fenway Park.

Anyway, because I was feelin’ kinda Millar, and because I’m also suffering from mercilessly packed sinuses, I decided to hit the wayback button to relive a “classic” from the past: Great Literature Made Better By Adding Kevin Millar. Enjoy.

* * * * * * * *

The Great Gatsby
Chapter Four


Gatsby: That’s right.

Nick: Whereabouts?

Gatsby: San Francisco.

Nick: I see…


Gatsby: Er… who are you?


Gatsby: Gatsby.


Gatsby: [Looks around nervously] I’m… not sure.


Gatsby: Eh… that’s Jordan Baker. The golfer.


Gatsby: I really should mill around a bit, I–


Gatsby: Look, chap, who exactly invited you here?

Millar: You did.

Gatsby: But I don’t even know you.


Gatsby: You should probably leave, then.


* * * * * *

The Red Badge of Courage
by Stephen Crane

Lieutenant: Soldiers, I won’t lie to you. There’s been a lot of ill talk. They say the men of the 304th fight like mule drivers. So I’ve got a plan to restablish ourselves as credible soldiers. First, we’ll charge the hill. Then–


Lieutenant: What the? I’m giving orders.


Lieutenant: “Rocked out”?


Lieutenant: [cocks gun].

* * * * * *

The Odyssey
by Homer


Millar: The Mino-what?


Millar: Half-man, half-bull?

Odysseus: With large, deadly horns and pointed hooves.


Odysseus: But… you’re a part of this crew.


Odysseus: You disappoint me, oh blonde one.
