By Kristen Hanley Cardozo

Kristen Hanley Cardozo writes and knits in between reliving embarrassing moments in her past in excruciating detail.

  1. Kristen Hanley Cardozo's previous work for the Toast can be found here. Inspirational Quotes from Acclaimed Relationship Expert Niccolò Machiavelli, PhD (From his popular self-help book Men are from Florence, Women are from Milan) "Men are motivated when they feel needed, while women are motivated when they feel they have done an injury to a man so severe that his vengeance need not be feared." “When a man can listen to a woman's feelings…

  2. 1. PENIS COSIES. Ravelry, the largest social network for people who do yarn-related crafts, records four patterns for knit penis cosies, one crochet pattern for the same, and seven lip balm cosies that look like penises. Although the term “penis cosy” suggests that only the penis is involved, all of the penis cosy patterns include a little sweater for the testicles as well. This last detail suggests a misandrist plot, as overheated testicles…

  3. Kristen Hanley Cardozo's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    17. The Race Forever

    The grim reality of her place in a capitalist society is early forced upon the child reader. The futility of the race is apparent in its construction. In a race that never ends, you can never win. All your labor goes to the entertainment and profit of others. You will race. You will race

  4. This post, and several others to appear in due course, are generously sponsored by a gentleman-scholar from County San Francisco, supportive of the production and assessment of nasty novels, dealing familiarly with gamblers, misandrists and flashy reprobates. We also have more of his gargantuan donation left, so continue pitching me your 18th and 19th century trash fiction stories. I first came across Lady Audley’s Secret when I was going through a weird, obsessive…