Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Lucky Russian

A long, long time ago...I can still remember when D-Day used to make me smile.
And if I had an opportunity...that's where I would like to be...drinking on sunny Saturday morn.
But, my friends, alack and alas...time must continue to pass...
I left her hallowed life's got me by the balls
I don't know if I'll cry...when D-Day will pass me by...
I will, I'm sure, heave a sigh...
A year sans D-Day is nigh.

Sorry for getting sentimental with you there. I'm going to miss D-Day. In case you haven't followed me up until this point, D-Day is the annual "get up at 8am and drink your face off" day at University of Rochester. Short for Dandelion Day, it originated as a final hurrah on the last Saturday of the spring semester, right before the hefty wallop of spring finals and inevitable graduation. I shit you not on the details. It is customary for people of all ages to get up early just to drink. I saw people that couldn't even get up for a 11am class arise at the asscrack of dawn and take a travel mug of a rum and coke into the shower. That was just the kind of debauchery the day brought on.

My last year we decided to celebrate D-Day big. We were going to start the day off with a time-honored tradition of booze and cereal but we were having a distinctly hard time of agreeing on what to eat. My friend Ryan (of Fat B's fame) suggested we greet the day with the time honored meal known as Beerios. My other friends Chris and Mark (or, when he's drunk, Donc) suggested, perhaps, we buck the trend and substitute wine to make a hearty bowl of Wine-os. Both were extremely unappetizing to me. Seriously. Whole grain Cheerios swimming in a lake of cheap beer or boxed wine does not a solid breakfast make. Just thinking about it makes me rather queasy. So I prompted another solution. Here it is:

In a bowl, combine vodka, Kahlua, and heavy cream to make a White Russian. On top of this, pour a generous serving of Lucky Charms. Grab a spoon and cram into an awaiting, salivating maw.

I called it "The Lucky Russian".

Unfortunately, we never got to try out my shockingly good and alcoholic idea. Instead of starting the day off with cereal we started the day off representing the Chemical Engineers in a case race. We won (because the team that finished 5 minutes before us had two extra people, the cheats) so I guess it evens out. But the idea of the Lucky Russian languished in obscurity in my nicotine and ethanol sodden mind until break. It was time to break out this barnstormer of a boozy repast. Let's get cracking, shall we?

To start, we need our raw ingredients:

Really, any vodka works in this situation. A White Russian is a pretty forgiving drink as far as liquor quality. We used Boru because we had it on hand (and in sufficient amount). Also, it's not too strong on flavor that would mask things. Everything had to be cold though, so the vodka and the Kahlua went into the freezer with the light cream in the fridge. A White Russian is served over ice but, since you can't really put ice into a bowl of cereal without some really awkward questions, we opted just to chill the shit out of everything. Next, our base spirit and liqueur were added to the bowl:

It was actually pretty damn awesome to see them separate out by density like this. The vodka kinda formed an ethanol-y window to the murky depths of coffee liqueur. It was vaguely Lovecraft-ian in a hooch sort of way. Now, the milk:

Mmm, light cream. We used the light cream at first (because it was cheaper than heavy) but ended up having to do both a mix of light cream and milk since we were pretty heavy handed in pouring. We give it a stir to incorporate everything:

And then we pour on the love. And by love, I mean sugary sweet Lucky Charms. When we bought them, we were slightly worried because the only box they had were "Whole Grain Swirled", which were whole grain cereal bits with the balloons a swirly, Spin-Art color. We were distinctly troubled by the healthy kick for a cereal so righteously terrible for you as Lucky Charms but they were still tooth rottingly sweet so all was safe. Ok, here we go, first spoonful:

And the verdict is:

It was actually pretty damn good. Being the boozehound that I am, I made it pretty strong though. It kinda tasted like licking a hospital floor. Pretty medicinal. I had to tinker with the volume throughout the night until I got to the right ratio. For my tastes, we were looking at a 1.1 to 1 mixture of vodka to Kahlua (we measured in rough pour counts). A 1 to 1 mixture was a touch weak when filled to the brim with dairy but the 1.1 (a 1 count plus a spoonful) made a huge difference in making the Kahlua flavor pop out more and giving it the oomph it needs. Luckily enough, I hit my ratio pretty early and was content with refilling the Bowl of Indulgence a few times. Nicole, however, had a bit of trouble making hers. When she first made it and she finally poured the light cream was still brown. Really brown. It was like that dirty snow you end up shoveling onto the pristine white snow while you dig your house out. Here's us tasting it:

As evidenced by the pictures, it was godawful strong. Caitlin referenced it as "what was left after Chernobyl". We couldn't figure out HOW she did it but she managed to make it taste not like cereal, milk, or even booze but just plain burning. It was like trying to eat a brush fire. I guess she forgot that Kahlua had an ABV and added a whole lot of it or something. Either way, it was nigh inedible until we made the necessary corrections:

Some dairy...

Seriously...pour on the dairy...

It was interesting, actually. For those of us that "accidentally" made our White Russians "college strength", it seemed that the thing to cut it with wasn't the light cream but plain semi-skim milk. One would think the richness of the cream would combat the ethanol burn but the semi-skim did a far better job on an equal volume comparison. One day I'll investigate it. And, being the fine guests we were, we had to share the love of the Lucky Russian:

Many of you may think it cruel and unusual but this cat drinks more than I do. One time, while playing video games and drinking bourbon at my cameraman's house (he owns Blackbeard, the cat) I turned to my glass to find the cat drinking my bourbon. While normally I would threaten death and dismemberment on ANYONE pilfering my bourbon...the cat was too awesome to kill. It simply had a few licks and went to sleep on the couch. Kinda like I do. It really liked the Lucky Russian too. It kept coming back around the island in the kitchen, circling like a shark and faintly mewling. Finally, we decided to experiment with other cereals. For science, of course:

This was actually equally as good as the Lucky Charms. These were Banana Nut Cheerios and it was surprising how much I liked the combo. I can't imagine eating them with a base of beer or wine though. That makes me gag a teeny bit.

So there you have it. A breakfast for those Mondays when a cup of coffee and an two hours commute to your cubicle just won't cut it. The best part is after you eat a few bowls of this you don't have to drive and you can make one of the other suckers in your carpool chauffeur your ass to work. The best part about the Lucky Russian is the fact that, as the cereal marinates in the boozy goodness that is a White Russian, the marshmallows start to dissolve. As the alcohol breaks down those little sugary bastards, the milk floods with their magical colors, making your bowl an explosion of awesome like a mixture of Spin Art and fireworks. Truly a magical meal.

Now if only a bowl of this stuff could make me teleport like that bastard leprechaun.


  1. While you guys were at the case race, Donc and I did eat Reese's Puffs with Bailey's and milk. We didn't have a clever name for it though

  2. Bacchus! My friend, has anyone ever told you that you're a dead ringer for Patton Oswalt. One of my favorite funny people.

  3. That may be the best praise I've EVER GOTTEN. It's mainly because I've listened to most of his stuff at least 20 times. I own it all. Werewolves and Lollipops, Feeling Kinda Patton, My Weakness Is Strong, Frankensteins and Gumdrops, Patton vs. Zach Vs. Alcohol vs. Patton, and his HBO special.

  4. Can I use rum instead? I'm a total rumpot. My friend pours it over her oatmeal in the morning and she says it makes everything better... AWESOME idea!!! What if I throw it all in a blender & drink it???