September 18, 2011

Reality Rundown: Jesus Hair and Shirt Dilemmas

9/18/2011 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: South Pacific - Week 1

Welcome to Survivor: South Pacific aka we've filmed here before but need a generic name. We've got a pageant queen, nerdy superfan, dude with a sweet-ass mustache, old ladies that'll be voted off quick, and Russell Hantz's nephew. After being split into two tribes, Jeff informs them that of course there are new players coming (via helicopter!!) Brandon, Russell's nephew, has a whole tribe fearing Russell returning and now he needs to keep his "Lil Hantz" tattoo covered all season. Oh that isn't me making a funny- that is true. We also have returning players Coach and Ozzy, rockin' the coif of the lord, who I know we've all begged to see again, arriving via helicopter. Superfan Johnny could care less about the returning players and asks to be called Cochran, because all of the cool dudes Probst uses last names for them. By a draw of eggs, Coach ends up on Upolu (blue) and Ozzy on Savaii (red). Ozzy is welcome with open arms, Coach... not so much. Oh and Redemption Island is back again but only duels, no truels and fouels this time.

The first challenge is a "hero" challenge with Ozzy vs. Coach, neither of which are anyone's heroes unless your hero had sex on Playboy Channel's Foursome. The challenge itself is to scale a pole, grab a wooden turtle, crawl, and move a pyramid puzzle to another table. The reward is taro (potato equivalent) and flint. Coach is a mess at the puzzle, his team having to shout directions. Ozzy's tribe is helping him but moreso cheering because he's not totally dumb. Ozzy wins reward for his tribe, making the returning castmember hero worship kick-off immediately.

Savaii makes introductions and Ozzy digs Semhar, a spoken-word poet, but also loves his tribe. They love Ozzy back and frolick in the water together instead of building a shelter (Ozzy wants to sleep under the stars like Ron Belding) but since the show didn't provide swimsuits yet it's undies time. Cochran is a pale-face like me and doesn't want to be translucent but he sucks it up and slo-mo runs into the water. Mark is an old gay cop and I hope their nickname of Papa Bear sticks cause that would be excellent for recaps. The winner of uptight old lady is Dawn who is totally anal and doesn't like the laid back attitude of "Bob Marley" Ozzy, she's tired, she's dehydrated- wahh, crying.

Upolu arrives at camp and as Coach makes an apology attempt and shows his efforts around camp. Christine claims to be searching for firewood which is code for running into the woods to find an immunity idol, which everyone notices. Hello target! Brandon doesn't like my pick to win Mikayla because of the way she "carries herself." Sounds like he's tempted by the fruits in Mikayla's tank top. Later, Coach makes a point that a strong five can last a long time and makes an alliance with Albert, Sophie, Brandon and Rick. Brandon keeps up the vow to never remove his shirt because even when he fishes he just pulls the shirt over and his and around the shoulders. No one is like "Hey, that's weird."

The first immunity challenge is to work as a tribe to navigate through an obstacle course which eventually leads to some coconut basketball. It's a little back and forth until it becomes a coconut shoot-off. Semhar starts getting tired , but she's stuck in it- no trades! Mikayla scores the last basket which gives Upolu immunity as well as a clue to the hidden immunity idol, which is hidden at their camp (they also win flint). Semhar feels "sorta bad" for making them team lose, setting Jim (the owner of medicinal marijuana stores) off.

Upolu basks in victory before everyone starts moseying around camp looking for the hidden immunity idol clue while pretending to be doing stuff. Stacey is like "I bet I've walked by it a bunch fo times and missed it" and sure enough she looked everywhere but the obvious giant hole in the base of the tree where you'd hide everything.

Semhar confronts Jim for being a dick at the challenge because she does feel awful about losing the challenge. Lesson to us all to not make eyerolls and funny faces when someone is upset and a million dollars is at stake. Papa Bear refuses to write down middle-aged crying Dawn's name down and instead would like to vote for Semhar. Ozzy thinks Semhar could be an asset where superfan Cochran is in the middle and not physical at all. Jim is suspicious of Ozzy's pleas to keep Semhar and thinks maybe Ozzy is getting something going with the ladies. Semhar begins to campaign but Jim lets Cochran know what Ozzy is up to. Cochran is neurotic, so the paranoia doesn't help, and he fears his superfan dream is a first eliminated nightmare.

Tribal council under a big thatched roof! Dawn talks about her kinda-breakdown and acknowledges she'd be screwed at Redemption Island. Semhar knows by not sitting on the sidelines she's a target but she is ready to play. Ozzy wants to play with someone who "harnesses their passion." Gag. Dawn says Cochran might be in trouble but he points out he flew like a hummingbird under the nets, eventhough he was a wall clunker. Cochran decides he needs to defend himself and makes sure it's known that Semhar just stands by a pot all day and hands out stick toothbrushes. Cochran is a learner and is mortified at the prospect of being first off. Jeff tallies and the votes and dramatically reads them off. The tribe has spoke and Semhar is sent to Redemption Island.