Posted on May 22, 2008

The other day I was surfing the net and happened to stumble across the article found at the following link:

(Random digression: can one really “stumble” while “surfing”? I submit that one cannot. The correct terminology for happening across something on the internet should be “wiped out”.) I will give you a moment to read the article…

Ok, now that you have comprehensively analyzed the article, let me tell you my first reaction: Oh…my…goodness! A team of 300 scientists?! Talk about a nerd convention!

All kidding aside, my second reaction was: cracked sewer pipes?! That sounds like the worst reason to visit a proctologist. Don’t they make inflatable pillows and creams for that type of thing?

Ok, now that ALL the kidding is aside, my third reaction was: I hate earthquakes. This article only reinforced the fear I have of California. I have no idea why anyone chooses to live there (no disrespect to my sister and brother-in-law who live there of course, they are just insane). Moving to California seems like moving to a house in Kansas with a tornado shelter. The fact that there is a tornado shelter means there is an excellent chance of a TORNADO!! That’s like ordering a meal at a restaurant that comes with a side of a barf bag. There are reasons that California’s building codes require specific earthquake mitigation features. That’s because there are deadly earthquakes! And if 300 scientists don’t convince you, I offer this nugget of proof. I recently asked my Magic 8 ball if California would experience a catastrophic earthquake within the next 50 years. Let me tell you, the answer was not encouraging…which in itself is bizarre since usually the answer is something like “Go for it”, or “ask again later.”

Unfortunately, nearly every vacation I have ever taken has been to California (not that California is not excellent, it’s just scary). As a matter of fact, my next vacation happens to be to California. The most time I have ever spent in California at one time has been a week. And let me tell you, the whole time I felt as if I was cheating death. In fact, I refer to everything tall in California as the (entity)-of-death. For example, the Ferris wheel at Disney’s California Adventure is definitely the Ferris-wheel-of-death as a large tremor would surely send the structure crashing into the artificial lake beside it. But, I would also consider the lemonade stand next to the wheel as the concession-stand-of-death as a large earthquake could send the structure crashing down upon me, were I standing next to it.

At least California has the ocean going for it though. In the event of an earthquake, there is a good chance of drowning in an earthquake-induced tsunami. I suppose the odds of me being severely injured in an earthquakeal tragedy are in my favor as I am only over there for one week a year on average. You’d never catch me living there though.

I live in Tucson Arizona because I happen to be a logical, conservative home-area chooser. And by logical I mean “I was”, and by conservative I mean “born here”. Here, the only natural danger is a known entity: heat. I find that danger is easy to mitigate: stay inside, drink tons of water, and buy extra deodorant. And, for those rare occasions that I venture into California, I will just have to find an aesthetic looking helmet that will be comfortable to wear for a week.

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