Silliness and immaturity and frustration

I long for hearing , "Gosh I forgot."  I long for hearing, "Darn, it may have been me."  I long for hearing, "Hmm, I wonder if I forgot to hook the gate?"  I long for an adult taking responsibilities for the simple fact that he  may or may not have been responsible for something.  

I came home from work today to find the gate open between the dining and living room, leading to the inevitable of discovering the dog peed in the living room carpet.  When I was talking to my spouse I mentioned that the gate was left open, to which my spouse said it was left open by our 25 year old son. 

So when our son got home I addressed it with him.  His response was anger.  He was not the last one to leave the house, and he stated with anger that he was not going to clean the carpet.  

A bit later my son came in asking, in a frustrated voice, the location of the carpet cleaner.  Sigh.   I started to cry.  The answer to this issue is NOT him and I constantly "keeping the peace" because we can't discuss these things with my spouse without a major argument.  My son  has had headaches for the past month.  Stress, I know it.  Major tension here at our home, so thick you can cut it with a knife.  Subconsciously I am avoiding everything, not asking for anything, trying my best to just retreat from arguments without playing the eggshell walking game.  

 This is where my life evolved, regardless of my hard work, my searching, my reading, my learning, my boundaries, my letting go of my parenting my husband,  my asking for answers that are not found.  I cannot get far enough away from "the box" to see how this really is.  

So if a parent/child dynamic evolves with the non-adhd spouse being the dominant figure, I cannot understand how my relationship is such, as my doing everything evolved because nothing got done except by me.  And discussion over the chore-wars got my spouse angry, so I was trying to keep our home life happy.

I foresee if I mentioned this, my spouse will get huffy and mention how he DID do the dishes before I left for work this morning.