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Then Again The NovelThen Again The NovelThen Again The Novel



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"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."




"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight. "You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

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"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.





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A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried "Amen!"

"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried "Amen!"

"If I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried "Hallelujah!".

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood very tentatively and announced: "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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He was amazed and excited.


God smiled. "Think about it… who can he tell?"

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God's Creation...
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Adam's Suit...

Which Service?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

Being Jesus...

Love Your Sibling As Yourself...

Sunday Service...
A sweet little boy surprised his parents one Sunday morning and brought them a tray containing two cups of coffee, cream and sugar. He had made it himself with instant coffee and anxiously awaited their verdict on the quality of the coffee. The parents tried the coffee black, but it was so strange-tasting they decided to add sugar and cream. As they stirred the coffee, they saw that several of his little green army men were in the bottom of each cup. The mother asked, "Honey, why would your army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" The little boy replied, "Well, I heard them say on TV...'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

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Then Again The Novel


* Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
* Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
* Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
* Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 through 17.
* If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
* Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"
* Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
* The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
* As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
* Thank you dead friends.
* Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
* Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
* Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
* Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
* Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
* The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working...
* Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
* Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess
* We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy. "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"



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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either."

"Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I'll let you in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang."

"He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me."

"So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!"


"Just a couple of minutes ago.

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Barbara The Novel







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A man, driving down a deserted highway, notices a sign that reads.....

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign, which says...



He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.



Go in Peace.
You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

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Got a letter from Aunt Martha the other day. She writes...







Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

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A True Story (or so they say)



Support your answer with a proof."




This gives two possibilities:



So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only "A"

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Lessons The Novel


Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.







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The following statements about the Bible were written by children and they have not been retouched or corrected. [i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.}





5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slated the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in he dessert. Afterwards, Mose went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.


10. The seventh commandment is thou shall not omit adultery.




14. Solomon, one of David's son, had 300 wives and 700 porcupine.



17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.




21. The people who followed Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.




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Cute The Novel


Driving on their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a young California couple has a fatal car accident. They are told that they both have preliminary approval to enter heaven but there is a delay in the paperwork, and are given seats next to each other to wait on line to see St. Peter. They chat about many things, during the months of waiting and speculate on the chances that they might be able to get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.


The couple sits patiently for a couple of more months and they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.





"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.


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The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"


Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."


Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."


Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My Lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, Sister, that*s what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."


Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you bastards are all right."

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There is the story of a parson who got up one Sunday and announced to his Congregation:

"I have good news and bad news.




While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."


A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"






"Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.








The son replied, "I do know!"


"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

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