Sunday, March 11, 2007


Bitter and dejected, that's how I felt last Friday night. I know I shouldn't be because I know it's none of my friends' fault, but still I couldn't contain the flood that was welling inside. I don't want to sound like I am glorifying myself yet again but I have always did what I could when friends needed me, albeit sometimes reluctantly but most people who know me understands I never begrudge anyone when it comes to rendering assistance. For some reason, last Friday night I just did not feel like I wanted to be alone after finishing work at the gym after 10pm so I started calling up friends in hopes I can at least have some company for dinner. However phone call after phone call left me feeling more and more angst. Calls were not answered or I was simply given a brush off. Maybe I shouldn't use the word "brush off" because technically my friends had no obligation to entertain me anyway at such short notice so they had every right to decline me and certainly no malice were meant. It was Friday night after all.

I think I became desperate enough to call up someone who lived totally out of the way and in a place I was not even familiar with, but of course, the reply was the same. In the end, I just went back to the McDonald's nearby my home and resigned myself to wallow over junk food. By that time, friends who were not answering my calls earlier had started calling back but I was no longer in a mood to talk and explain myself, so I just rejected all the calls. It's not that I was really angry or blaming them for anything.

The experience left me questioning about who I am really. Earlier in the day, a colleague of mine was discussing with me over lunch about the meaning of all our existence. It wasn't about the spiritual aspect, more towards what kind of lives are we all leading. Are we more than the routine we live everyday - wake up, traffic jam, office, work, work, work and more work. In the night, I practically force myself into an exercise routine which is both mixture of work and self-disciplining. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like I am some kind of pet rodent to some higher being. At the end of the day, what does it all mean? I must admit, I never questioned myself over this other than the fact that I know I am bored with my routine life.


khalel said...

All of us feel that way - rejected and abandoned. Questioning our self worth over a routinary lives as it gets eaten by nights and days...

If you feel like a pet rodent for supreme being, i used feel that i am being played like a marionette to a great puppeteer.

But believe, there is no really a routinary life, for each day and men we meet are new living sermons. Its a struggle to better understand our purpose in life, but i started to understand it by asking the same question you are asking yourself now.

Hush and Listen

"Stay Blessed, Beautiful and Free"

whiterabbit said...

Hey, you never called me!

thompsonboy said...