


Do you have tickets to see Maroon 5? If you’re making contingency plans in case one of the members dies a fiery death, stop right now. None of them are on the list.

Madonna? Not on the list. Meat Loaf? Not on the list. Robin Thicke? Not on the list. Cat Stevens… is a tremendous singer.

Some have expressed concern that without due process of law the military could execute individuals based on guilt by association. Ridiculous. Did you know that of all Muslim Americans living abroad, less than half are on the kill list. Less than half!

And while we’re on the subject, I have heard some suggest that everyone on the kill list is Muslim. Tell that to Greg. You guys don’t know Greg, but he is on the kill list and he is completely un-Muslim. You are all going to feel pretty silly when Greg explodes.

We are simply in the business of protecting America and that requires some secrecy. We would love to release our secret kill list, but it would be weird. And there would be a lot of hurt feelings.

Perhaps someday we will live in a safer world and the government will be more open and honest. Until that day comes I will continue to end every press conference by throwing down a smoke bomb and fleeing the room as I must again right now.