You get divorced and people ask for a few weeks how you’re doing. Your dad suddenly dies and, within the month, you’ve received several notes from people who knew him and loved him. Your oldest child was diagnosed with autism and people who’ve walked that path offer guidance.



It’s a life skill to move through pain. Grief or sorrow comes in waves and one hopes certainly that each wave decreases in force as time goes by. Yet there are times on this journey that you can get hit with a wave that’s even stronger than the first few. You don’t want to define yourself as a victim, and allow the difficult things in your life to totally define you.

But it takes time for the waves to recede.


I have a friend whose husband died two years ago.  “How are you?” will pop out, without my thinking about it and she’ll kinda laugh at the question. I’ll follow quickly with, “Where are you with your grief?” so that she knows I mean it in the context of her journey  — knowing full well that she’s still working on emotions that can be raw and ever changing.  Another friend has cancer that’s  in remission, after a fiercely fought path through chemo and radiation. Every now and then, hopefully when it’s appropriate, I bring that journey up. And she lets me know where her heart, her mind and her body is.

Yes, I’m a therapist. I’m very accustomed to talking to people about sensitive things.

But I believe the need to detach is more than simple self-consciousness or feeling awkward because you’re asking a private question.

Confronting Fear…



Three thoughts on handling your grief...

Here are some ideas to consider as you’re dealing with what life has brought you.





In time, know it’s better to stop and face what’s waiting for you. It can feel more lonely to to be running away than standing still and feeling the pain.


People may fumble around and not know what to say, but be attempting to reach out. You can let them know you’re okay with talking about it, if indeed, you are. You can look for support groups in your area or now, FaceBook groups abound with support for different issues and losses. Those people who are facing what you are, or have done so in the past, can offer a kind of wisdom that others cannot.


Advice for those who want to ask but don’t know how…

Simply ask. Don’t allow whatever fear you have control what you do. “How are you doing — really doing?” “Are you in a place where you want to talk about things?” “I remember it’s only been a few months since your dad died. Where are you with all of that?” “Now that you’re living your divorce out, how is it for you? How are the kids adjusting?” “Since Jacob’s diagnosis, what have you learned?”

It may feel awkward, you may stumble around a bit. Yet you asked. You let them know you care. You let them know you remember.

And they won’t feel quite as lonely because you did.