The New York Post is running a 1,000-word account—attributed to “Anon Ymous,” described as a “Page Six spy”—which narrates both the preparations for, and the actual proceedings of, the Kim Kardashian–Kanye West nuptials. The narrative starts believably enough (no one sat in their assigned seats, Kim and Kanye erected a “giant gold box” for the bathrooms), but then veers quickly into what basically reads like fan fiction, if only due to the implausibility that anyone would be privy to all of these off-the-cuff Kanye West quotes (unless “Anon Ymous” is West’s cufflinks or Kris Jenner’s iPhone).

Anyway—because reading Kim–Kanye wedding details, whether they be fact or fiction, is like the Internet equivalent of taking a mid-afternoon Doritos break (and who doesn’t love a Doritos break!?)—we present the five most ridiculous claims from the account (which we hope are true, but can only assume are not).

  1. “Kanye returned one hour before the wedding and didn’t like the all-white bar that was in front of the [49-foot tall] Gold Toilet Tower. He took a saw and started sawing it in half himself. Two men held the bar stable as he sawed, and sawed, into the bar, defacing the entire front, screaming at everyone around him. He said it looked like a bar from Texas.”

  2. “Once the wood was in place, ‘Now,’ [Kanye] said, ‘it’s art.’”

  3. “Two hours before the wedding, Kanye decided he didn’t need the 80 moving lights that he had ordered installed to light the dance floor and the party, declaring, ‘I’m in the center of this party, and I’m the only one people need to see. The rest of these people don’t need lights on them.’”

  4. “Andrea Bocelli sang during Kim’s processional. The blind opera legend had been asked as a guest, but the wedding planners hadn’t provided a seat for him. He said he’d be happy with a glass of water, and was told after his performance, ‘Thank you, but it’s time for you to get in your car and go home.’”

  5. “Will Smith‘s son Jaden wore a white Batman costume and ran around like a chicken with its head cut off from 8:30 P.M. until 10:25 P.M., batting glasses off tables whenever he came to an empty seat, smashing them on the ground. Vogue Italia’s editor in chief, Franca Sozzani, was getting irritated because he kept coming up behind her and throwing his cape over her head.”