A Family Affair


* * * *

























“Stanstead Airport, is it?” asked the driver.




Heather said...

wow that was as always beautifully written Shane..
My eyes were wide and I reread it twice

couragerqd said...



Anonymous said...

Incredible, I could relate to a lot of this because it's so familiar. Thanks for sharing, it's nice to know that so many things remain the same, even in somewhat different circumstance.
Peace man

mikimbizi said...

Amazing, wish you turn it into a book someday. You are great at describing every small detail.
Best wishes

Kat Skratch said...


Hello lovely! :) Wow. I thought I had an idea of your life based on all the entries you've posted. I had no idea it had happened thusly with your step father. Or for that matter, how bad the addiction was when you were sharing it with two other people. Shit man, your life...
I hope your life is more settled now. That you have people who love you, and aren't after you for your money or your ability to score.
If not, we love you here in blog land and we want a book apparently. Heh.
Wow. Shane, you're amazing with everything you've come through.
Thanks for sharing this entry.


Fishwhiskers said...

Shane, as usual a pleasure to read despite the dire content. Many things hit home, albeit I never bonded with any parent that way ... I just never bonded with them.

I just recently learned that Buprenorphine, which I am getting for arthritis pain maintenance as transdermal patches, is used instead of Methadone. Strange that, here I was thinking I am drug free, when in fact I am on 20 microgram of synthetic Morphine per hour.


Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Thanks for all you say. You reread it twice!!! It was a little long hat one, I wasn't sure anyone would read it evene once! lol

Hope you're well... thoughts and wishes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Many , many thanks for this and the last comment... I did read it. Whether it makes it into a book or not, it'll always be here... free and available to all.

My thanks once again... BW, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Sasha,

You're correct... many times events are different but the emotions that they stir are the same. I feel that also sometimes, even when reading blogs that on the surface seem to have very little to do with me.

Thanks for reading and commenting... it means more than I can say. Peace returned, Shane. x

Syd said...

Shane, it's a sad story. I wish that your mother would have gotten help and that you hadn't become addicted to crack or heroin. What a terrible time.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Hey ya...thanks as ever for your words!

I've a feeingno publiher will ever touch me I've ad a couple of meetings wth agents, but they always run a milewhen they realise it's not fiction.. that I really am what I write I am. Anyway, it's the creation and the expression that is important to me, and I'd rather write for free for people that ap^preciate it and accept me for what and who I am... that's the best deal I can ever have.

I hope you're well... all my thoughts & wishes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Kat,

The first year of addiction is always hard... it's a shock andone has to readjust to that and work everything around the drug. Yes, my life's much more settled now... it's a good thing. That I'm writing and painting and keeping a blog is proof of that... it was not possible in London. They weren't the best times, but in a way I enjoyed them... I was happy writing that post - thinking of all the crap and nonsence we got up to. Even my memories of Geoff made me laugh... him smoking crack in his wheelchair! ;) I wouldn't change a thing... of anythng in my life... it's almost been a comedy.

I hope you're feeling better... I'm be across to your blog as soon as I'm finished here.


Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Yeah, that's strange about the buprenorphine... though I have heard before it's used in the treatment of arthritis.

I think I was just lucky to have finally bonded with my mother, and though we parted on bad terms, that was 4 years ago and now we have a wonderful relationship. My brother and sister still have huge hang-ups about our childhood & I don't think they'll ever forgive her for the drinking and behaviour.

Thanks as always for time and words & nice to see you on the JU! Love and Wishes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Hiya and thanks for the comment. It's probably more terrible reading it than living it. In life we have to accept things and come to terms with them. Those things happened over many years and in between that was life and daily details. In the post all the strange and bizarre and sad events are compressed as if they followed one another. So it probably sounds much worse than it actually was.

Hope alls well over there... all good here. My best wishes, Shane.

Greta said...

man, that was a long read. The prove you're writing so well/ good English is that I can't just skim over your entries to get them. No, I must sit and read carefully. But as always, worth every minute.
This here begins feeling like a jigsaw puzzle, every post a new piece of you.
Also noticed what I take for my scent bit. Love, Greta!

Benedict Smith said...

another enthralling read. thanks.

B. Zombie [Vanessa] said...

You should look out for someone to help you publish your life into a book dude!
oh, i just saw that a lot of people made the same comment xD hahaha!

oh well, I don't know what else to say, you already know what I think, I say it every time I cme here and leave you a comment!

Take care
Stay Strong


Sarcastic Bastard said...

It is a sad, but very compelling, story.

I wish you happiness in whatever form you desire.

You are loved.


Anonymous said...

It gives me a great pleasure to devour all you write, as I admire your style of saying things. :)
I hope I will get to know a bit of you, among all your passionate readers^^. Have a wonderful night.


Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

By nighttime body smells and fluids filled the room.... Buckets of vomit sat unemptied in the room and crusty mucus clung to the blankets and pillows.

Hiya Greta, maybe you took that for your scent???

You're right, it is a jigsaw puzzle - for you and for me. It's a puzzle of how I got here.... to be what I am today. The posts are the answers as to why someone that is not depressed nor unhappy would reject life.

Anyway, thnks as ever for your words and time... they mean more than you'll probably ever realise.

Love and Wishes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Benedict, thank you very much. Take care & BW, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


You don't always repeat yourself!!! lol But yes, I know what you think and it touches me. Thanks as eve and always for you comment... Love and hopes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya SB,

Yeah, it's sad how many broken lives there are... aand they were broken even before drug addiction.

Love returned as ever, Shane. x

Greta said...

Yes, exactly, this was my scent bit. I find mine even when they go unintended ;-)

Maybe you're just like me who won a deathride ticket on birth. they pick you. it's not your own choice??

and if i hadn't realized what commenting means to you i wouldn't do it the way i do.

all this being cleared up... bonne nuit, Shane :-) Greta

Anonymous said...


Sarcastic Bastard said...


Fuck you, you cowardly motherfucker. If you've got something to say, at least have the balls to put your name to it.

The main reason people read Shane's blog is because of his painful honesty. I have NOT ONE DOUBT that everything he relates is true. That's why his writing is so unmercifully good.

You Sir or Ma'am (we can't know, since you are an Anonymous pussy) can piss off. Leave my friend alone. Why are you reading his page if you don't believe him anyway? You read him because he is an excellent and compelling writer, and you must be jealous that he has so many readers.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Anonymous,

Thanks for reading again... i'm sorry it was a little a long, but I wrote it with you in mind.

You obviously believe it's true, why else would you be so passionte about it? Anyhow, it's not my job to prove it's true... I just write the posts. All names and places are real, it's a very simple thing for any reader (incuding yourself)to verify them. If you're unable to do that, I can't help you.

Anyway, thanks again for reading and digesting and commenting... that's another 30 minutes of your precious life that you've sacrificied here... it really means a lot.

Hope you're well... Love & wishes, Shane. x

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Anonymous, mind your step. There are ways of tracking down anonymous posts to IP's if nothing else. You really wouldn't want me and S.B. to get on a plane from Ohio and come pay yer dumbass an educational visit would ya? Don't troll where you've got no fuckin clue assholio. I have intimate knowledge of addiction, and I'm here to tell ya, you obviously just posted without reading because anyone with a modicum of intelligence can see that what Shane writes about is VERY real. Go commit your fucktardary somewhere else ya sad TWAT!

Anonymous said...

Quick somebody come slap the red off my neck please=P

Greta said...

Haha Anon, I'd even keep reading if it was all made up.

Because it's not only the truth content that makes a fascinating story.

Nothing fascinating about you though, Anon.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

SB, Sasha & Greta,

It's due to wonderful people like you that I continue to have hope in humanity. If I leave my writing, after 20 years, with nothing but your friendships...well, thats the greatest success I could have.

Thanks for the support and for all you say... My Love & Respect, Shane. xxx

May said...

I'm here for the first time and it's interesting how we live through so much craziness and insanity and yet at the time it's just life. From the outside there are people who would say, Why the fuck did you live like that? and the answer would be, Because I did.
Now I have to go digest this big hunk of you that I just read. Cheers.

Andrea said...


I am a fan of your art. You're writing is also very beautiful, I have a few questions...

1) In an earlier blog you wrote you realized you were a junky when your best friend died, and then you write your first junky memory is when you took your walk to your mothers. But prior to you were already a junky and had experienced dope sickness? The timeline is confusing me.

filthy lust said...

once again i was hooked.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Andrea,

It's a bit confusing because the length of time that the last post covers. That was from 1991/2 - 2003/4. My first bout of sickness was just after my friend died (year 2000). the sickness I refer to in this post is after that... it would be 2001 (I think) as that's the date I gave up my flat in Fulham and moved back to my mothers. You have to keep in mind I didn't start using heroin properly until 1999 (as I say in the post, "7 years later (from 1992) we would all be junkies") and I was never sick before that as I was using Temgesic and never suffered physical withdrawal from them.

Also, the main dates are always correct, but there may be some smaller incidents that I estimate the date on I never kept ddairies or journals, and it was only since coming to France that I have detailed them years. So it is all (except present posts) written in retrospect and I do not always remember exact dates.

Thanks for yourr comment, and if anything still doesn't make sense, just mail or message.

Thanks for all you say & for reading and commenting.... My very best wishes, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Wen I speak in this post of coming home with heroin, that would have been early 1999, and it would be the start of the lead up to addiction. As I say, it took nearly a year to realise I was hooked. Also, if you remember from the post where my friend died, Gerald was mentioned there as the first person to put me onto a dealer... in this post it returns to that, as Gerald scored the three bags for me. So it all does fit together.

All This Trouble... said...

Still reading along...

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Shane, My Dear Shane! I have missed reading your blog and your stories. This one was incredible...but aren't they all? You have to write a book! You really do!

FYI - my son is in jail so he has three weeks clean from suboxone and 6 weeks clean from heroin :) I am not happy where he is but I feel hopeful.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya May,

Welcome to Memoires of a Heroinhead & thanks for reading and commenting.

We have to accept the things that xome our way because if not we become as crazy as the events themselves. In many ways, craziness is that... it’s a reflection of the things we cannot accept.

Thanks again for your time... & I hope we’ll speak more soon.

Take care, Shane. x

JoeM said...

I came here via Dennis Cooper's blog which you recently posted on, curious about the son of a Nilsen victim. But hours later I'm still reading and almost forgot why I came here in the first place.

Really fascinating insight into addiction and particularly Heroin. And all the other stuff that came up: abuse/romance/childhood. And so poetically written - Heroin as 'the missing inch on a lopsided chair'. I especially admire the non self-pitying, that's life attitude. Given what you've been through this is refreshing, in an age when rich superstars who have everything going for them but still manage to fuck up, constantly moan and blame everything but themselves for their plight.


Anyway, a few questions. You say Heroin is very damaging physically to the body. But I vaguely remember that doctor who invented the electronic device to cure Heroin addiction (I think she was Scottish, helped Eric Clapton) said that actually H was one of the least toxic drugs - far less harmful to the body than alcohol.

I'm wondering how someone like Keith Richards, who was a very long time user, could have survived so long if it's that toxic.

Also, before you spoke about toxicity I was going to ask if you thought it feasible, if the user had an endless supply, to use forever - and if so, why long timers like Keith Richards and Nick Kent stopped (Kent I think became a bit of an anti-H proselytizer).

Also you say, re creativity, that H 'stops all output...nothing ever gets done'. Yet later you said it didn't affect your painting or writing 'It doesn't work like that'.

Anyway, I am now addicted to this blog and it's haphazard (autobiographically) output. I wonder what you're going to spring on us next...

Lou said...

I understand the jumbled time thing. Daily heroin use makes time irrelevant. There is only scoring time, and using time. All things that happen in between are really of no concern. Even by being around someone using daily, got my time all off kilter. They were up at odd hours, sleeping at the wrong time, etc.
That damn heroin can really get the non user all befuddled!

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya JoeM,

Firstly, thank you for venturing across and donating your time to me and my words... it’s something that still continues to surprise and move me.

When I said heroin was very damaging to the body I was referring to the administration of it – especially injecting. It’s the means to get it into the body that damages, and not so much the drug. I’ve also heard that heroin is one of the least toxic of drugs, but you have to keep in mind that pharmaceutical heroin and street heroin are very different things. In their journey from harvest to usable drug, I think the only thing they share in common is that they are derived from the same plant.

If the user has a constant supply, yes it’s feasible that he/she could use forever. However, veins don’t last forever, and even with the cleanest of heroin the veins collapse and disappear. Eventually, for all injecting addicts, it becomes almost impossible to administer the drug. So there are other factors which affect this question. When I left London each injection was taking between 30mins – 2 hrs... an enormous amount of wasted time.

There are a few reasons why long term users may decide to quit. I mentioned this in a previous post, so will quote you what I said then (also it ties in with long-term usage):

I have repeatedly said throughout my blog that “heroin is full of contradictions”.We’re hitting on a few of them here.

Around creativity...

Heroin doesn’t affect one’s creativity... that is true, but it does affect the artists time to create or produce.And it’s not even the heroin in itself, but the lifestyle around it. After the time spent finding, buying, using, etc, there’s not much time left. Add to the mix one’s work or means of funding the addiction, and one is left creative but with no output to show for it. When I finally left London I had years of thoughts and ideas and paintings and poems and books fully formed in my head... but that’s where they had stayed. I had still been mentally creative, but had nothing physical to show for it. This is where a substitute did help me, it allowed the addiction not to be so desperate.... it wasn’t absolutely essential to score or to worry about gear each day. With methadone to back up my habit it gave me the time and the freedom to do some of the creative things that I’d always wanted to do. I am not a great fan of methadone as a heroin substitute, but it does have it’s worth.

I hope that covers it? If not or if there’s anything else you’d like to ask/know you can either post another message here or send me a mail.

Thanks again for your message and all you say...

My very best wishes, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Filthy Lust... I thought you had deserted me!!! lol

Glad you're back and still enjoying... my thoughts & wises, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Hiya... always a pleasure to have your words of experience here.

You know, when I first started this blog I had to literally sit down with a pen and paper trying to work out and estimate dates for everything. Even now there are smaller events that I have trouble placing.

Hope alls well for you Lou... not too bad here. All my best, Shane. x

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...


Nice to have you back... I will send you a mail a little later.

Shane, x

Tonyoneill said...

Hi Shane

I found your blog via Dennis Coopers blog too. Its funny, reading this, seeing your pictures, looking at the people who influence you, it was almost like looking in a mirror for me. I will definitely be coming back, to read all of the stuff I have missed but I just wanted to thank you for sharing all of this and I also wanted to say that I think you are a very fine writer... I would echo a lot of what other people were saying on here - this stuff could be very easily put into book form. I saw a picture on here of you holding my last book, so if you had time to read it then you probably know my stuff and a little of my story... feel free to pay me a visit over at tonyoneill.net and drop me a line if you get the chance...

all the best man, and keep typing...


JoeM said...

Thanks for taking the time to answer those questions. I'm clear now that it's the veins that you meant when you said H destroys the internal organs. I know you said that after using needles you can never go back to inhaling,but if it becomes impossible to inject wouldn't that be not only an option, but necessary? What is the difference between the two methods - presumably you still get the required H inside.

Tell me if I'm asking too many questions - I'm Scottish. Gore Vidal said 'The Scots are a nation of lawyers' - he felt like a Scots question/answer session was like an Inquisition.

I remember your quote about
being straight on H so why not straight off it. I wondered what '...but then there is a drought' meant. A drought of H so that you have to come off and remember how awful being straight is? I wonder if the 'straight' of being on H isn't really not the same 'straight' as being clean. Maybe you still need that inch or even 10th of an inch. I suppose the only way to find out is to go completely clean for 6 months or so. The writer and alcoholic Jeffrey Barnard went off drink for 2 years but decided life was too dreary without it, resumed round the clock drinking until he had to get his legs cut off, then died. But he said the years he would miss was worth it.

I thought re the creativity thing that you couldn't write on H days but could on Methadone days, just due to the effects. But I suppose since you say that doctors lawyers etc use it invisibly (not to mention the likes of Keith Richards, Nico, etc) it makes sense that you could also write. I just had the stereotype image of the junky blissed out on a mattress.

Anyway, sorry to go on. You got some favourable comments on the Dennis Cooper site and he re-linked to this page.

All the best.

Herbert Barry Woodrose said...

I read this slowly over the course of a day. You're killing me man.

This is an incredible piece.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Joe,

No you’re not asking too many questions... I always encourage them. The comments section here is almost more important than the post section... you was right to mention it on the DC blog. As for Scottish blood... well, I understand and forgive you for that! ;)

H destroys the veins but also the internal organs. From what I know (& it’s not much) it damages the kidneys, liver heart and lungs. Also injecting H introduces many foreign bacterias to the body, some of which are still probably unknown. I don’t know too much as I avoid medical books... having read the blog, you know why.

What I meant about “then a drought comes”, is that no matter how hard one tries to manage their habit, you are always reliant upon other forces. If the traffikers have a delayed or captured shipment then there is nothing and that is a low. After a low you use heroin and it gives you a high. These highs and lows in many ways fuel the addiction... especially longterm addiction. If these are removed, you have a constant and regular supply of heroin, the addict very soon becomes bored by searching for hours for veins just to feel straight. I sometimes feel like that... and then there is a drought (it all starts again.)

Yes, you can create under heroin.... lets think of creating as working, well all addicts work. Whether it is legal or going out robbing every day. It is still 8 hrs of attention and two bus journeys per day. Methadone allows you to work bettr because it is less of a sedative and more of an upper. You don’t feel methadone except for the sudden desire to do things (but that doesn’t come immediately). Still, for the best part of my addiction I never used methadone and still held down full time jobs. Maybe it was that which stopped me producing... maybe I was just exhausted???

The junkie laying on the bed does not really exist. It can be like that at the start of use and for ten mins after a fix, but it’s not an image that I am familiar with. Film has to show the gouch, the junkie nodding out... if not the injection would seem pretty ridiculous, but the gouch is a privilidge that is afforded to newer users or very strong gear. From my experience a junkie takes a fix and then gets on with the things he has to do. I Take a fix, wipe the blood, pull my trousers up and say: “Ok, I’m ready, let’s go.” I’ve never experienced the group euphoria that was shown in Trainspotting and I’ve certainly never keeled over and sunk through the floor!!! haha

All my best JoeM... keep reading & send your questions any time.


JoeM said...

Thanks for those replies.

Yes - 'Oh your Scottish...now who do I know who's Scottish...'

That makes sense about the return of the highs making it seem worthwhile to keep on with the drug. I do (or used to do, far less now) a bit of binge drinking and I've never understood those 'maintainers', people who drink all the time but never get really drunk. What's the point? Unless it gives them just a little 'glow' they wouldn't be able to do without.'Functioning alcoholics', who hold down jobs etc. If I want to drink I have to leave it until I've got a week off work or something.

Jesus, being on Heroin must be the hardest job in the world! All I have to do is walk across the road to the off-license.
(Maybe that's why some H users look down on alkies - I remember the Scottish writer/addict Alexander Trocchi was a bit like that, in his writings anyway,like Irvine Welsh looking down on speed users. I can't remember the insulting label for speed, something like 'Morningside Cocaine' - Morningside being a poncy middle class part of Edinburgh).
I bet when H addicts come off completely they have tons of energy.

Also it's true, having a job ruins the creative output. I write, but when I come back from 7 hours of brainless librarianship I don't have the mental energy to do anything creative, even if I've got the time - but when you work all day you've got stuff to catch up with as well.

Oh well, maybe one or both of us will strike it lucky and make a fortune - then probably drink or drug ourselves to death!

All This Trouble... said...

If I won the lottery, I'd be dead in a week. And I believe that holds true for most of us.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya again JoeM,

In London I could score heroin within 45 minutes without fail. If poss we always try to buy in advance... just in case the dealers phones are turned off. It is hard, but in a way scoring becomes an enjoyable part of it. It is where many events occur and for many addicts is the only time they leave the house.

You're right about some H users looking down on other forms of addiction. They see H as the ONLY addiction, the most dangerous and the most significant. The addict enjoys the idea of being reckless of living one shot away from death, but that is not really the truth. It is not as risky as what addicts would have you believe and it is very difficult to OD. I will write more about this in a post as it is too long for a comment.

Strike it rich? Well I'm diggng with a headless shovel (must be one of Nilsens old tools)so you'll probably beat me to the kitty... maybe we'll meet each other during the dig - who knows? Whoever gets it, the NHS will surely end up funding the cost - shall we order livers now?

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Incredible writting.
A couple of things made me think really hard.
The shared experience and that helped build a relationship with your Mum, reminds me of my Dad and football, we always used to go and even though I have not seen him in nearly a year when I go to see a game and the teams run out I just want him there beside me, ya know, the things that build and hold reelationships, weird really.
I have never taken heroin and I don't think I ever will, but if I am honesst it walks me like a dog on a lead somedays, there used to be days when I wanted it so much, not just the drug but the whole act of taking it, I think like a ritual is how i saw it, but somehow I knew I would get consumed and I am not sure I'm ready for that just now, you describe that so well here, its kinda confused but when I was 15 a boy in our class committed suicide and we were taliking in class to a psychologist about it and someonee said 'but why not' and the psychologist said something like, because theree's music and boys and girls and love and beauty' and it just stuck with me.
I know these things exist for you and heroin doesnt stop that but it helps me as does your incredible writting nd life, never stop man.
As always Love and Total Respect to you
Nick XX

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Nick,

You know, in many ways I write for the eyes... I write to have friendship and comfort and love. I've never had that and I need it. I used to travel around on the underground and during the travel I'd gently lean against people (men or women) and take huge pleasure in the warmth that they gave off.. the comfort of resting upon someone, of having someone accept that. No-one was aware I was doing this intentionally, they must have just thought I was a little sleepy. And I get the same feeling here, behind the posts, when I read yours and others comments. In what is a very hard world, so many people are so soft.. and it has surprised me and filled me with hope.

When the teams run out... yeah, I understand what you speak of there. Even now when I go to score I still remember the times with my mother. Both of us out in the pissing rain cursing the dealer and thinking of the pipe... laughing and joking at how ridiculous we were, at how unblievable our situation was. Yes, it's the same... fond memories and they are worth more than anything. I think especially when they are unexpected, when what you thought you’d never have actually arrives.

Im glad you have a good head about heroin... the world doesn’t need great people like you strung out and passive. I never encourage or discourage heroin use, I know it to well to get involved in that, but I am always pleased to hear someone say “It’s not for me.” of their own accord. I also get a feeling you will gain more from observing others experience with it than going down the road of using yourself.

You are correct, I have kept my passion for life, for love and for beauty, but the majority of addicts do not... in the main once H makes an appearance all else turns to shit. I've never fallen out of love with life.. just out of love with myself and angry at a relentless world. That isn't the case anymore, but it was when H first started taking a hold. And it helped me, it possibly saved me, and that is why I have no regrets of the drug, the damage it has done to me or my ongoing addiction. As I keep repeating, it has helped me as it has killed me... as so many things do.

I think what I am really wanting to say here is thank you for ALL you say, and all you are. And if I make you reflect, so you have the same effect on me. You also make me think and wish I had left my teenage years as fucked but as together as yourself... questioning the world and everything in it. I think around us, and around the blogs and the people we are, that something is taking off... I think life is about to deliver. Do not forget these words Nick... in another life I was a prophet.

My Caps Locked LOVE returned, Shane. xxx

David said...

I found your blog only today. You are totally different. I have never seen a person like this before sharing all his experiences in such a detailed way. Surely a great experience for me being here. I think you are a very confident person.

Suzysoo said...

I too found your blog today (not even sure how now) I have been reading for nearly 3 hours now! You are an amazing human being for enduring what you have, and then sharing it with us. I will read every word you have written here! Best wishes to you x

Barricade said...

A curious point you make about agents recoiling from the reality of the tale.

I find that surprising.

If you have a book format of the posts, I could bounce it off an agent whose shark nature is also animated by personal empathy.

Re smack and creativity?
In the end a habit is like a dull civil service job, repetition, deceit and monotony kill or at least pacify whatever animated sparkle is left in the user.

If you wish, you can leave a message and I'll get back to you.

It's a matter of indifference to me whether your lottery win of bad luck is embellished or not.

It works.

Take care, man.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya K, I think we swapped a few words some months ago so I won't give you the CAPS LOCKED welcome, just a hope you're keeping well.

I'm sometimes guilty of heaping agents and publishers in the same mass grave, so let's say it's more publishers who seem to be scared of the real deal. They want the tales but not the life. They kinda seem to wish you could write this stuff and then meet them to sell with a nice full set of white teeth and a healthy complexion. It's a business Kevin, and business is scared by anything which may be unpredictible. Sure they play the cards of the 'gamble of investment', but the last thing any serious business will do is take a risk. And I'm seen as a risky option. That's the feeling I get anyway... but I'm sure there is the right person out there. It gets closer everyday. I feel it creeping up like death.

Smack & creativity. Doesn't exist. Someone is either creative or not. Smack, nor any other drug, can give someone what they haven't got. I NEVER peddle the myth of drugs and creativity. Au contraire, I consistently stamp the idea down, and have stated various times here that I can't produce anything under heroin. My mind is still active, and I still create mentally, but it stays there and never gets out. I think out of all the words written here there was maybe one very short post I wrote while actually on heroin.

I think ALL writing is embellished. Facts are embellished with atmosphere. Our take on life and experience is an embellishment too. There is no factual truth in words, but there can be deeper truth - insight. The bare facts don't tell it as it is either. Unbiased, detached reporting is just as embellished as anything because that fails to give humanity to the situation. That stands for any medium. The artists role is not to tell the truth; it's to express it. They are two very different things.
It's like music. It's in the embellishment that people find their own truths.

Anyway, You keep well... All My Thoughts & Wishes, Shane.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...






Dan said...

I have a simple question, in your post, first injection, you do not describe your first contact with injecting as you did here. For most of the time, I've thought your blog posts were based completely on real events. I can't help to ask, are certain things not real?

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Dan, what the fuck are you talking about? This post doesn't go into the first injection and only talks of injecting in a brief sentence. I'm not sure what you're reading and why you're so keen to try and find holes in the text. You won't. The time frame is all there, maybe read them again and pay a little more attention. I've also repeatedly said that ALL writing is fiction... the truth is never found in ANY writing, not even in its simplest form. Once you start creating atmospheres and describing people and things from your perspective it's no more the truth than when our eyes see the only colour which isn't there. Anyhow, there's no inconsistency and you must be pretty sad to imagine one and write concerning it. After so many thousands of words have you nothing else to remark? I'm starting to think you're a sad, pathetic, bitter cunt. X

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the anonymous but I can barely see right now to sign up.. My name is ken and your story from what I read and think it is real as hell... I lived this life myself, some things are too hard to just make up.. It started when I was 15 smoking weed.. Then turned into every other drug under the sun. Too waking up to heyron everyday. That or hating the world, with everyone and everything in it..

Anonymous said...

I hit submit by accident.. Anyway thanks for sharing that. I was glued to the screen. even oceans apart we aren't that much different good or bad. I pray my daughter never sees the kind of shit we did .. Thanks


Anonymous said...

Hey man, it's pretty interesting, the way you say you got into opiates, through buprenorphine, cos I got into them exactly the same way; I started snorting them when I was an 18 year old alcoholic, I thought it was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and within 3 years, thanks to my using subu's I quit booze. Thing is, I eventually drifted toward skag & banging up and have had some pretty heavy habits but it's always bupe I come back to (I inject it), usually after several months on brown. I find brown easier to come off of than bupe, go figure. It's like crutches and it's hard to do without them. I know lotsa people are saved by buprenorphine but I reckon there should be more information and warning about addiction to buprenorphine, people forget it's also an opiate. Love your blog by the way. x

JFB 4-8-15-16-23-42 said...

Your writing is amazing!!! I am currently on bupe and it helps me tremendously!

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