Your Armed Militia Can Take Over Whatever It Wants, But Mine Is Taking Over Denny's

It's a tough time in America these days. A lot of folks are angry. Some folks are even loading up on all the guns they can muster and occupying federal buildings via threats of force. That's their constitutional right to a violent uprising, and I support them one hundred percent just like our Founding Fathers intended. But my armed militia is heading for one place and one place only: Denny's.

When I first suggested that our armed militia take over Denny's, I was met with resistance. A lot of my guys wanted to take over a building of more political importance, like a post office or swim and racket club. I explained, however, that Denny's is the lynchpin of the community. This isn't some snobby places for snobs that no one goes to, like a voting booth or a public high school. Everyone who's anyone eats at Denny's at least twice a week. Plus, they serve breakfast all day and the food fucking rules.

We've been occupying Denny's for 72 hours and it's been without a doubt the most fun time of my life. While other militias are stuck committing unprecedented acts of domestic terrorism under the aegis of white privilege, we've been having a blast chowing down on meat lover's omelets and authentic Brooklyn spaghetti and meatballs. And everyone at Denny's has been super supportive. Our waitress, Lucy, has kept our bottomless mugs full of piping hot coffee. You know we're leaving her a big ol' wad of bills. Craig the manager even bought us all Sante Fe skillet. Do you think those fuckers in that wildlife building in Oregon got free crumbled chorizo sausage, fire-roasted bell peppers and onions, mushrooms and seasoned red-skinned potatoes, topped with cheddar cheese and two, count 'em, two, farm-fresh eggs? Hell no. They're playing Gin Rummy looking at pictures of dead birds or some shit. Meanwhile, we're coloring on our free place-mats. I drew a family of ducks. What'd you ever make?

Now, we're not some crazy extremist group. I know not everybody agrees with what we're doing, and we're totally open to different points of views and expanding our horizons. Did you know, for example, that the Alaska Salmon and Tilapia Ranchero are delicious? I'd normally never get that at a Denny's. But these are the kind of things you learn when you're sitting in a booth for 72 hours.

Of course, it's not all Grand Slams and roses. There have been a couple of violent deaths. Chuck shot himself with his .357 magnum when he was trying to shoot open a packet of mixed berry jam. I told him to put down the firearm and use two hands to firmly grab the packaging, but Chuck was never the one to listen when his stomach was growling. We lost Rodney when we open fired on his booth. We could have sworn he was reaching for his gun. Turns out he was digging for a coupon for the Fantastic Four Dr. Doom chocolate lava cake. Fucker didn't even know that the exclusive Fantastic Four menu was removed months ago. Such a senseless tragedy. The Thing Burger with special Thing sauce was gone too soon.

I'll be the first to admit that whatever half-baked statement we were trying to make about state's rights has gotten swept under the rug in favor of good grub and family friendly ambiance. Maybe we should have occupied that TGI Friday's or that really run-down Friendly's off Route 1. But when you want home-cooked quality food at fast-food prices, there's only one door you can kick down, assault rifles pointed at the hostess, screaming incoherent bullshit about Nancy Pelosi. And that's Denny's, baby.