"Don't pee on the dog's head" and more crazy things parents must say

smiling kid holding a french bulldog puppy

"No, your friend cannot not taste your booger," is a phrase I distinctly remember uttering while teaching preschool. Runners up included, "The toilet is for peeing, not the sink," and "We do not eat snacks through our ears."

Working with a dozen or so tiny people day in and day out I thought I'd said all the crazy things one could possibly ever need to – but I'm now realizing our school setting eliminated other situations, such as all the fun ways an uninhibited child might interact with a pet.

Can't say I'm sorry to have missed out first-hand, but they are great to hear about. Check out the crazy phrases members of the Reddit community recall having to actually speak aloud...

girlofgallifrey: "Don't use the cat as a tissue."

Fins2TheRight: "Don't eat the raw meat." We were at one of those Mongolian grill places where you fill up your bowl with raw food and the guys cook it on the round griddle in front of you. Next thing you know, my son is sitting at the table about to eat some chicken sushi!

bscav: "Please don't put your sister's hair clip on your penis."

man-panda-pig: When I was 3, I would take a [poop] in the backyard just like my dog. We were best buds! We didn't have privacy fencing and my neighbors saw everything and had a talk with my mom.

PeevesPoltergist: "Don't lick the paper lanterns."

omg_pwn135: Babysitting my niece. Had to tell her she can’t take a bath in the toilet. Also a fork is not a good bed time cuddle buddy.

Jay985: "Don't pee on the dog's head." ..."That dog that has literally freaking bit you because you kept tugging on him hard is growling at you for tugging on him hard, stop doing it before you get bit. I SAID STOP DOING IT. Oh look you got bit again, who would've thought..."

tommyjohnpauljones: "Don't fish for your poop in the toilet with the toy fishing rod!"

insertcaffeine: My twin bro and I got our first cat when we were four years old. My mom told us, "Anything you do to that cat, I'm gonna do to you. If you're nice, I'll be nice. If you pull his tail, I'll pull your hair. If you smack him, I'll smack you." Twin Bro and I gave each other a Look. We had an idea. I got the keys, Twin Bro (very gently) got the cat. "Hey Jaspurr, we're taking you to Dairy Queen!" Mom praised our ingenuity..

Now that my boys are 11 and 13 I don't say strange things as often, but I can't deny I didn't look at each of them recently and think to myself: You're not dumb enough to actually eat a Tide pod, are you?

As they get older it gets different, but it's still weird. Godspeed, fellow parents.

Images via UnSplash/Aaron MelloAna do AmaralAlicia Jones

Sara McGinnis lives in the Pacific Northwest with her two sons, her husband, and enough pets continually shedding to necessitate a Roomba.
Opinions expressed by parent contributors are their own.
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