[where my noise came from]

March 1, 2012

This image seems to say it all for me. The inside of my head is a constant fight between "Oh I bet that tastes really good," and "I want to be skinny." My parents didn't impose food issues on me, so how did I get them. I've also never technically been overweight, so where does it come from. 

It is fear, straight fear that I could gain weight and never get it off. But where did it come from? If you want to know keep reading, tomorrow I will tell you how I am trying to get that inner noise out of my head. 

In college I read the ABS Diet book and it changed how I ate. I started eating whole wheat and lean meat. I ate as many veggies as I could and became much more aware of what I stuck in my mouth. For years it was easy, and I controlled my weight with little effort. I worked out daily and didn't have to drag butt to the gym, I wanted to be there. 

This isn't something I've openly admitted before, but I will just throw it out there now. To be clear...this is by no means me bashing someone, it's just honesty. My skinniness wasn't totally self inspired. I had an epiphany today and realized this. I was dating someone who had a weight problem and that was reflected on to me. I began to eat like he did and become a workout obsessed freak like he was. We would leave school and stay at the gym for hours until it closed. I loved it. But deep down it was torment. At 115 lbs he told me I'd be hot if I had abs, and I workout out until I had that V cut on my tummy like guys get. I was 15lbs lighter than I am now and to be clear I wear a 4 or 6 in most brands...I was not big at all, so why I was expected to be smaller. Why did I want to be smaller. I was at the lower end of healthy weight for my height. 

It kept going. After we broke up the loss of all my friends [yes I lost nearly everyone in the breakup] led me to dating someone whose habits I took on. Quite the opposite of the habits I had previously had...they were very unhealthy. I gained weight no matter how much I worked out, and the hours I was working on the weekends to pay rent was killing my metabolism. I was getting to work at 2pm on Friday and getting off at midnight, then opening the store at 8am and leaving at 10pm or most nights closing at midnight. That was nearly 26 hours worked in 2 days. I hate to admit it, but to keep it up I ended up taking Hydroxycut to wake up on Saturday and several sleep aids on Friday nights to go to sleep. 

Looking back on it, it was awful. It was completely unhealthy. 

The good thing was that through all of those years I lived alone and I controlled what I ate. When I was alone I ate all the whole healthy foods I learned about years earlier, and I still worked out. 

All of those body image issues didn't just disappear when I got married. I married a great guy who didn't impose them on me...but all the noise was still in my head. Constantly making me feel guilty for any and everything I ate. Worse, the noise encouraged me eat that brownie and then plague me for days afterwards. Somewhere in all of it I quite going to the gym, the started again only to have unwanted and unexpected costs sink my gym membership to the ground and left me looking for other ways to workout. 

I had to find balance. I didn't have time to obsess like I once did, teaching drained much more energy than college did daily and I was way too exhausted to workout everyday. I also had to make better food choices all the time and not let that food noise get the better of me. I couldn't just avoid food by staying locked up all day long, and Lord knows teachers like some junk food. 

Have you ever had a "noise" problem? If so, what was your noise tell you?