Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Truth About Wedding RSVP's (and the downright ugly parts of it)

I was invited to a wedding a long while ago. I had just broken up with the guy I was dating for years and had the wedding RSVP card, but was holding out hope that we would get back together and I would bring him as my plus one. And then I wasn't sure. And then the RSVP date came and went and I got a call the next day from my friend (the groom).

"You missed the RSVP date," he said.

"Sorry," I said. "I balked. I'm coming. But just me."

"Okay, great," he said, then promptly hung up on me to call another delinquent.

I felt bad, but I would be lying if I said that was the only time I missed the RSVP date. The only time I ever actually RSVP'd to anything right away was for my friend Nicole's baby shower -- and that actually ended up being the cover up for my bridal shower, so I've actually never really RSVP'd for anything early.

That will change. See, our wedding invitations had an RSVP date of May 14. And I assumed people would catch the card on their fridge on May 14, say, "Oh shoot" and send it. I really wanted to know by May 21, a month before the wedding, so I said May 14 and gave people a month of wiggle room.

But it's May 22 and we still have 22 RSVP cards outstanding (not including the emailed yes from one friend who sent her card late and the assumed no from my great aunt). Eleven are from my side and eleven for Pete's. So this morning, I texted my outstanding RSVP's.

And I received this text back from my friend Keri:


Yes, she's on a school bus. Yes, this is the best part of late RSVP's.

RSVP's are so frustrating. We sent out Save The Dates eleven months before the wedding, so in my mind, people should just know if they're coming or not. But it doesn't work like that. Just because people have advanced notice doesn't mean they will have advanced notice of the funds it takes to get to a wedding or the time off. They have to wait and figure this out and just cannot immediately reply.

And even if they do reply immediately, there are people who change their minds, not by any fault, of course. 

I call my grandma's best friend Obaachan Ni, which, in Japanese means Grandma No. 2. My grandma is Japanese so she's my first grandma but her best friend is my second Japanese grandma (which I think she appreciates since she doesn't actually have any children or grandchildren). She has been to American church ceremonies before but never to an American reception, so she was really looking forward to coming t our wedding. She RSVP'd yes right away and booked her plane ticket and hotel room before the invitations were even mailed. But she recently hurt her neck and has to change from a yes to a no.

We've also seen the opposite happen. People who send in their RSVP as a no and then life changes and they are able to make it, so they switch from a no to a yes.

And then there are the people who verbally said yes and then declined when we received the RSVP card in the mail.

And then there was this one:


That's my actual RSVP card (in case you were wondering) and an actual response we received.

I had read online that you should number your RSVP cards in case you get back one without a name. You can use a regular pen or a black light pen (and that way, you are the only one who knows the numbers are there). I originally thought this was silly and there was no way people sent back cards without their names written on them. Until we received one without a name. This one was graciously (and generously) sent with a check so I figured out who the RSVP was from but, without that, there was no other identifying information.

Save yourself a headache and number your RSVP cards. It might be a hassle at the start, but it will save you later.


I heard the more creative your wedding RSVP card, the better chance you have of receiving them returned. I also heard self addressed stamped envelopes aided as well. We did both. Our RSVP cards are shaped as luggage tags and I included self addressed stamped envelopes. At the beginning, we were getting tons of RSVP cards (five on the first day, seven on a peak day). So these things did help people send them early, but didn't guarantee that they would all arrive in the requested time frame.

So just expect that. Expect RSVP's to be a mess, get yourself mentally prepared for that, and make the date far enough out that you give people time to send them late or change their minds. Truth be told, you will not be the one bride who gets all her RSVP's on time. You will not be the one bride without guests who change their mind. There will be disasters along the way, there will be people who flip flop, there will be people you have to hunt down.

But if anything went smoothly, it wouldn't be wedding planning.

(And ... small aside, I literally just got a text from my mom. Obaachan Ni is going to come to the wedding. Really, I can't even get through one post about RSVP's without having a change. This is real life brides. Get ready for it.)

BRIDAL BABBLE: What's your wedding RSVP horror story?


  1. Oh boy. You're freaking me out. I haven't even started this process yet.

  2. Definitely number the RSVP cards with the matching guest. Glad that Obaachan #2 can make it. Heidi

  3. We numbered ours and it really did help. We also saved the ones where people wrote fun stuff on them...because my hubby and I do that. We write stuff on the RSVP...when we get them in on time.

  4. We numbered our invites (or rather, I told my mom to do it, she's in charge of invites). Light pencil on the back. I don't think we've needed to use the numbers, but it works just in case!

    Currently dealing with the "why can't you just RSVP?!?!?!" drama here. Don't people know if they are coming or not? Especially far away people who need to book plane tickets before the price skyrockets? And local people, are they holding out for something better than my wedding? (insert rest of rant here).

    Right now, without all of the RSVPs in, we have a potential wedding size of anywhere from 65 to 106. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO'S COMING!

  5. Ha, I'm also getting married on June 21. We invited 258 guests, including their +1s. Likely 152 are making it, and only 137 sent RSVPs. Of those who didn't send it back? Both my obaasans. The due date was May 3. Our venue minimum is 180.

    Looks like we'll be asking for extra venue perks instead of dinners to make up for not meeting the minimum. The annoying part is that my fiance is a very loyal friend, so we've gone out of our way to go to friends' out of town weddings. Not really getting the same courtesy back. Ugh.

  6. Man that is a GOOD idea about numbering them. We only got 1 back with no name (not sure we ever figured out who it was from) but some the names were hard to read. We also dealt with the people not RSVPing drama. Over half the people we had to call/email/facebook and ask if they were coming. One guy told us he lost his invitation?!!? The worst of it was we had over 20 people RSVP that they were coming and then NOT SHOW UP! I think the best was my sisters co-worker that told her she would come if 'she had nothing better to do that day....' (we did not include her in the headcount).

  7. Haha, very funny post. Also very informative--especially about numbering them.

    Aria H.