Friday, November 1, 2019

Being A B-List Friend

Yes. Today is Friday. And yes, for the past 5 months, every Friday has been #fashionfriday

But today, it's time for a heart-to-heart. And a break from routine here on naynayknows.

Sometimes, you get slapped in the face with a rude awakening and it hits you like a ton of bricks. And it has happened to me recently.

I am a B-List friend.

There, I said it. And you know what, it sucks. I would never, in a million years, ever even think any of my friends would be on a B-List, let alone any list. But recently, I have come to realize that people evolve and change over time and sometimes you just need to grow apart and separate. And they move you to their B-List. 

And in the world today, friendships are a lot of work. A LOT. In a world of social media where people put on a false persona and an almost-picture-perfect life to idolize, you question who they really are. Are they who they say they are? Or are they completely different? More times than not, they're completely different. And the disappointment in them is real. And the disappointment in yourself in falling for it is also real. And then you think about your children and the life that they are going to grow up with in this falsified sense of perfection and the mask of social media. (THAT is a whole other post or series of posts for another time...) 

You see people commenting on posts of others, 'liking' things on social media, tagging people in threads and building these virtual relationships yet when walking down the street, they don't act in the same way. They are a different person. The false persona is just that: false and fake. 

I had (see that? it says had, not have) a friend who would repeatedly blow me off for 'better' things to do or simply forget that we had plans. Regardless of how many times I'd remind her (and why should I have to remind grown adults that they have plans with me?!) But yet would brag about get-togethers with other friends and count down the days til she would get to see them. But me? Nope. I didn't matter to even remember we had plans. Often. Know what that makes me? Hurt. Heart-broken. And disappointed.
B-List friend.

I had a disagreement with a friend and she attacked me and my beliefs, my values, and devalued my opinions while refusing to listen to my side. And unfriended me and blasted me across social media.
B-List friend.

I had a friend going through a hard time. I reached out to see what I could do, offered help and guidance, sent a card. My life was falling apart at the seams and not a peep from her. A group of her mutual friends and I all reached out to help her and she blasted us all for no reason and insulted us left and right. 
B-List friend.

I had a friend who stood by me at my wedding. Next to me in fact. And over time, her personal beliefs changed and did not align with mine. And because I wouldn't change to align with hers, she no longer needed me or wanted me around. 
B-List friend. 

This year, my father's best friend died in January. My "other mother" died after a long battle with cancer in April. My mother unexpectedly passed away in August. My father was in a terrible car accident in early October and thankfully is ok now. My brother has not returned a single phone call about any of it and my mother-in-law doesn't care to even make a simple "I'm sorry" statement to me about any of it. And in the last month, I have had several friends, or so I thought 'friends', smack me figuratively across the face that I do not matter to them. Needless to say, I'm ready for 2020. 

Emotionally, it's exhausting and draining. This is not a whoa-is-me or a feel-sorry-for-me. This is a people-go-through-a-lot-of-shit-sometimes and when they're down, try not to kick them even more. 

A while ago, I posted about different types of friends. The givers, the receivers, and the takers. (read it here if you'd like) I am a giver. I've known this about myself for just about, well, ever. And I adore my friends who are also givers and receivers. But the takers, gosh there's a lot of them. But why do we keep them around? Why do we almost punish ourselves with friends who don't treat us how we deserve to be treated? Why do we do this to ourselves? I wish I had the answers. Believe me, I do. 

BUT, here's some reflection after a long year (with two months to go) full of hurt, heartbreak, and disappointment...

1. Friends help us when we're feeling low. If your friend is not bringing you up when you are down, they are not your friend. And you should remove them from your life and your thoughts. Because they probably are not thinking about you. 
I need to work on this. 

2. Life sucks. A lot. And shit happens. What doesn't break us down makes us stronger.

3. Cry. It helps.

4. Learn to detach, disconnect, and not take it personal. It doesn't matter what you do, did, or said. If someone is going to insult you or hurt you, they're going to do it to you regardless because it's them, not you.
This one I'm working on.

5. A real friend makes you a priority. Otherwise, they're an acquaintance.
Another one I'm working on realizing.

6. Friendship is a two-way street. It's a give and take. You listen and they listen. You give and they give in return. 

What was the point of this? I don't actually know. But pouring my heart out helped me a little so maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else too. 

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