Life without Anorexia

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Monday, November 9, 2015

Getting things done but struggling with depression & depression after an eating disorder

I got asked via email how i could get things done such as go to school, blog etc but suffer from depression.

And i thought i would answer in a post incase others wonder about this. I recently wrote a post a while ago about how i realised that i kept myself busy so that i dont have to feel.... because if i go to school, if i work, if i blog, if i do a bunch of things i push past that tiredness, that unmotivatedness and lifelessness, i get things done and i dont have to struggle, not so much anyway. But also being productive makes me feel better... if i were to not go to school, stop blogging and do nothing that would give me tremendous anxiety and i would feel like such a failure and i would fall even deeper into the blackness. But also i would be more likely to do more stupid acts when i dont do anything because then i am left with my thoughts and sink into the darkness. I know that for me getting out of the house each day helps me... i know that exercising helps me feel better, it is an enjoyment. I know that even if leaving the house feels like the absaloute worst and can feel like such a challenge where it can take me several hours to leave the house compared to before when i could get up, get ready and leave the house within 60-90 minutes. I know that if i leave the house i can atleast feel productive, even if all i do is go to the gym and stretch 30 minutes, that atleast makes me feel better and makes me feel productive which helps me. Even if i would most of all like to do nothing i know that that would not help me and would make me feel even worse. So if i wanted to i would lie in bed all day and refuse to meet anyone and not do anything. But that would not help me so i make sure to get up each day even if that requires 8 alarms, i make sure to breathe fresh air each day, i make sure to shower and keep up with personal hygeine, i try t do the normal things i did before i felt the darkness pulling me down. I keep blogging because i enjoy it, however things such as emails arent a priority anymore as its hard to help others when you cant really help yourself. But doing normal things is what is going to help me, i cant refuse to live life just because i am suffering. For some... that works. They need to just not do anything, but for me that would make me feel even worse.

A kind of long and repetitive answer, but also answering this question for myself. Because at times i have asked myself, i cant suffer from depression if i can still manage to live life somewhat.

I also got asked about the link between eating disorders and depression, or more specifically for depression after eating disorders.

I can't say this with 109% truth, but from my own speculations i think that depression sort of runs in my family.... both my mum and dad have been depressed in their life and also my mothers dad commited suicide due to depression. This is not something i talk about on the blog as it is a very personal thing, but there are numerous people in my family tree that have suffered from depression and so unfortunatly i think it is something that is in my DNA. This is not the first time i have suffered from depression and unfortunatly i dont think it will be the last either. Things such as stress seem to be a catalyst for me and i don't cope well with stress. And as the stress in my life builds up and i dont cope with it, i am eventually left feeling awful and feeling like the only way out is death. Suicide is something that has been in my mind and a thought far too many times in my life but the only thing that has really kept me from doing it - at my worst stages - is that i dont know what my family would think and now even with my boyfriend. Even if it is a thought at times i think, i could never leave my mum like her dad did to her. She was only 18 when her dad commited suicide and i remind myself how awful of a person would i be if i left all of my pain on those who care for me. Though at times i wish that people didnt care for me because then it would be so much easier to just leave....

But onto the actual question: Both depression and eating disorders are chemical imbalances in the brain and there are many reasons that people can fall into depression. But i think that for some when they recover they also have this image of how their life will be after recovery and then they recover and suddenly their life isnt as they imagined and maybe they havent accepted their bodies so suddenly they are left with a life they dont like and a body they don't like... that is definitely something that can cause depression so suddenly you might not have an eating disorder but you are still left in the darkness. If a person was depressed before an eating disorder or they developed depression during their eating disorder (which is common) then they can definitely be left with depression even after recovering from an eating disorder. But it doesnt have to be that way.

This is one of the reasons i am abstaining from writing about my feelings/thoughts as i dont want someone to come onto my blog and think... "oh they recovered from their eating disorder but are left with depression, well what's the point." That is not the case, i had months of happiness and living my life before i ended up with a case of mild depression again and then i felt happy again after a while for a few months and then ended up feeling low(for lack of better word) again. But this is ME, this doesnt that it will happen to you. The goal is happiness :)

I found THIS link which talks about depression and eating disorders which might give a better answer than mine :)


  1. I think you are very wise and strong.
    Thank you so much. Bless you.

  2. <3 aw Izzy, I am so sorry really hope you are ok <3 you are such an amzing person and it breaks my heart to know you are suffering, really hope you are feeling better soon <3 take care Izzy X

  3. I do hope that your depression improves Izzy, as you are an incredible person and so deserve to be happier again. X