How To Make Love Like A Zombie / Violet Blue tells how to get it on like the living dead

If you've ever been in San Francisco for one of our famous zombie flash mobs, then you know just how sexy the undead can be. With no warning, often during business hours, a group of zombie and necrosexual wanna-bes moan, ooze and alluringly shuffle their way downtown looking for...brains. (And this being San Francisco, veggie zombies yearn for... grains.) It's typically a heady orgy of the living dead in Union Square. Everyone looks hot, or maybe a little cold, but you get my drift. Take it from me: These zombie mobs are hookup central. As the zombies converge and convert the (willing) living into graveyard groupies, clothing gets torn, fake blood gets smeared on exposed flesh, girls and boys make yummy groaning noises, and the quest for brains typically takes them to the Apple store near Market Street.

It's sexier than a hundred Exotic Erotics, a thousand dismembered mummy hands writing vampire erotica, dirtier than what those people do with pumpkins at OK, so anything is sexier than a hundred Exotic Erotics.

Every Halloween, I'm reminded of my friend who works in a local discount fabric store. It never fails that a week before the 31st, co-eds start coming in looking for help with their costumes. They tell her, "I want to be a nurse...but sexy!" Or, "I want to be Cruella DeVille...but sexy!" My friend finally regained hope for the human race when one day a young woman came in and said she wanted to be a cactus. Until the customer added..."But sexy!"

I have a remedy for all of this. They should really all go die.

Think about it (while you still can). When you're a zombie, you're just not in control of your urges. Or the rips and tears in your clothing. What you lack in speed and agility, you make up for in determination -- like looking for living morsels to wrap your lips around and nibble a little. You have an innate "can-do" attitude, and you can "do" anyone who looks tasty. Or slow. Or injured.

Being a horny zombie makes the idea of playing with your food that much more appealing. Kinky zombies can take all the lashings, paddlings and spankings they couldn't stand back when they had pain receptors, and who cares if those handcuffs are cutting off your circulation when you have none? Nipple piercings, no problem! Even autoerotic asphyxiation is a gas when your recently resurrected dominatrix tells you your safe word is "uuuunggghhhhhh." Hey, your body still works, sorta.

Whether you lost your life from a virus, supernatural forces, an evil mastermind/magician/overlord looking for minions, or just Satan, they can't take away how (literally) drop-dead sexy you're going to look in a bloody bikini or disheveled business suit. Just keep in mind that cunnilingus and fellatio may be a hazardous endeavor with those in states of advanced decay (re: biting off more than you can chew, for reals), and "love bites" take on a whole new, more permanent meaning. The great news is that safer sex isn't an issue; you can't reproduce unless you spread your government-given reanimation virus, and HIV/AIDS or other sex plagues of the living are a distant memory (like cheeseburgers). But, just because you're dead doesn't mean you can forgo the LiquidSilk when you play "hide the bone" in any tight space: a good lubricant will not only make your first fisting a satisfying success, but it will actually allow you to keep your fist attached to your arm when you try to extricate your stuck, brittle body part out of your lover's cold crevice.

But maybe coming out as a zombiesexual isn't yet within reach for your relationship. Or perhaps you want to avoid the living hordes descending on San Francisco and whatever officially organized trainwreck the Castro-on-ice may or may not be this year -- or you don't want your sexy cactus costume melted in the rain everyone's predicting Friday night. You need not ogle our local My Zombie Pin-Up Calendar 2009 or the Live Nude ZombiesXXX webcomic, and finger your flesh wounds all sad and alone while the ghouls get it on upstairs.

Sure, you could watch really bad zombie porn, but despite the truly pretty girls in "The Re-Penetrator" (; linkNSFW), a hardcore undead flick might have you not simply rubbing one out, but accidentally rubbing one off. At which point you'll want to swap out your lube for superglue. Since there has always been a strong sexual component in zombiecinema, I recommend my ten favorite zombie date movies, in noparticular order:

"Fido"(2006) The most romantic zombie movie ever made. This is the film you watch when you want your sweetie to overlook the odors and occasional urges to eat her adorable little pug, and make an undead life together. Long walks holding hands on the beach, yes -- as long as your hand stays attached.

"Night of theLiving Dead"(1968) and "28 DaysLater"(2002) Two truly scary iconic zombie flicks; sadly no boobs or lesbian zombies here, but to get your honey wrapped around your rotting hulk during the scary scenes, these two masterpieces of zombie horror are a sure thing for getting you one step closer to that dismembered hand job you're hoping for later.

"CemeteryMan"(1994) Existentialist zombie romance, with some pretty searing (yet also somehow humorously awkward) undead sex scenes to boot. Rupert Everett portrays a zombie exterminator who falls for a luscious undead babe, and lust overcomes all once he decides he wants a piece of that hot zombie ass (which really sounds icky now that I think about it).

"Shaun of theDead"(2004) Romance between the living can get the amour flowing too, and this splatstick comedy pits Brit slacker (OK, loser) lifestyles against a zombie epidemic. In the end, we see that nothing repairs a broken relationship like smashing in mindless craniums side by side. Awww.

"MyBoyfriend's Back"(1993) Like the original "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" movie, this 1990s high school love story's black humor is as dry as dirt on a coffin, and is an underrated sleeper classic. You know the story: Boy loves girl, boy dies saving girl, boy returns from dead to take girl to prom. Parents make sure he eats OK. Hilarity ensues.

"PlanetTerror"(2007) Sex, blood, terror, zombies, a sexually violent Quentin Tarantino getting a 'nard-ectomy, and Hottie McHot Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg -- if you want to get what's left of everyone's juices flowing, this is the high-quality zombie softcore experience. Watch it with "ResidentEvil"(2002) and you might just get to know what the French mean by "the little death" by midnight.

"Dead andBreakfast"(2004) Produced and made locally (filmed mostly in Livermore), this incredibly hilarious zombie ancient-curse spoof is the kind of undead flick to watch when laughter is what'll get you rubbing your cold bits together later. Plus, it's layered with so many pop culture references -- oh, and if 34 gallons of "blood" (the amount used during shooting) doesn't get your zombie on, I don't know what will.

"Zombie Strippers!"(2008) Oh, it's bad. Really, really bad. But for B-movie boobage and undead bazoombas on a man-eating rampage, the Jenna Jameson non-crossover vehicle delivers a zombievirus outbreak in a strip club, turning the dancers into "Super ZombieStrippers" and is about as gratuitous as it gets. Eminently worth it if only to see the scene where Jameson delivers a line by Nietzsche. If that doesn't make your date's heart stop beating, I don't know what else will.

And if hot zombie sex isn't your cup of brains, I have but one piece of advice for you: Stay away from the hot dead girl. She won't take no for an answer.

Violet Blue


