Monday, June 11, 2012

Experiences as a Lady in Wargaming

This post is something I've wanted to write for a while, but I was having trouble pulling my thoughts together. Part of the reason I started this blog in the first place, called it "Chickhammer," and chose my tagline is because I want to talk about what it's like being female in our male-dominated hobby. I need to start by talking to people already in the hobby about some small things they can do to make the environment friendlier for women.

I should explain just what I mean by a friendlier environment. Obviously, we're not a pack of wild dogs. But, you probably have noticed that the wargaming culture, and the "geek" culture in general, skews largely male. The interesting exception to this is the video games, where women are about 40% of the players. It's hardly remarkable now when a woman says she plays video games, whereas fifteen years ago it was "a big deal."

The wargaming community, though, still suffers from a large gender disparity. This has been very evident in my own experience. In every tournament I've attended, I have been either the only woman there, or one of two. In fact, I have only played against another woman once, but it was a teaching game, she's a real-life friend who's new to the hobby (props to her for joining the ranks, might I add). Our online community is no different; there are few women I come across when reading posts and commentary.

So why aren't more ladies joining in on wargaming? Like all sub-cultures, our community, suffers from the same ills as the society at large. In the US specifically, our society does not always respect or value its women and no sub-group is immune to this bias. This devaluation of women is something that happens no matter the group (in fact, I already wrote a piece about wrestling doing this). Those influences are why we find the same cultural biases lodged in the corners of our own community.

That doesn't mean, however, that we have to put up with it nor does it mean there's nothing we can do about it. The beautiful part about it is that we all control our own actions, and can change our behavior. I will not speak to the general vitriol of the community, as it was done so well on Faeit 212 that there’s no reason for me to comment further.

Rather, I’d like to point out some things that have happened to me in this community, and why some of these things impede women from wanting to join. Some of these experiences have been good, and some bad, but the over-all experience has been a welcoming and positive one. 

  • In the first GT I went to, one of my games was played in nearly complete silence, because my opponent didn't say more than three words to me at a time. Perhaps he was just shy, but it made for a very long game.
  • I’ve heard "Wow, you're a girl that plays Warhammer?" more times than I can count. When asked this, I often feel I'd get less incredulity if I were a leprechaun or had two heads.
  • During a tournament game, my opponent offered me a beer from his under-the-table cooler. He's hands-down the nicest person I've ever played, although I do believe I still owe him a beer.
  • I've played a few dirty cheating cheaters (who hasn't?). The first person I ever played that I didn't know personally was one of these people. I was so green, I didn't know better, and didn’t know his army at all. It wasn't until talking afterwards that my experienced friends realized I'd been taken advantage of.
  • A friend of one opponent asked me out for drinks, during our game. My opponent's reply was "Man, not cool. We're in the middle of a game." Good on you, sir.

These are just a few examples, but as I said, over-all, I've felt very welcomed. Unfortunately, this is almost entirely due to the awesome people I game with regularly and has no bearing on what I can expect outside of them. Sexism in the community, not just in person but also online, is at unacceptable levels. If I did not personally know some very nice people who were in the hobby, the shameful way the online aspect of the community conducts itself would have turned me completely away.  

If you don’t have these friends (or know where to make the acquaintance of some), you’re going to have a harder time of it. I was lucky to be introduced into a club full of people who have been very supportive of me. These people taught me how to play and to be a "good" player.  By that, I mean a respectful opponent who isn't constantly bemoaning how bad their dice rolls are (although, some days, your dice are out to get you).

That being said, there are some specific things I’d like to address based on my experiences. My hope is that by talking about these things, it'll make the community a little more aware. The first thing is that you can talk to me. I am perfectly capable of speech, and it makes the game far more enjoyable when you get to know your opponent a little and can talk about the game, their army, the tournament, each other's lives- whatever.

In actually holding a conversation with me, you might find out I'm twenty-four years old, hold a full time job, and have an awesome dog. These things indicate that I am adult, and therefore not a girl. Calling me a girl is both demeaning and patronizing, regardless of your intention when saying it. It diminishes my validity as someone to be taken seriously amongst our peers. I don't call you a boy, because you aren't one. We’re both adults here, so please don't call me a girl. It sets me up as being less than your equal.
We’re your equal because women who wargame are just people and not a special species you need be quiet and cautious around like unicorns. We may have opinions that differ from yours, but also from each other. Women are not a Tyranid hive-mind, so talk to us and get to know us. However, women tend to agree that we don't want to be dismissed just based on our gender.

Of course, gender isn't something that just disappears. It's an integral part of how we interact with each other- particularly when it comes to sexual attraction. It's going to come up. If you hit on someone, don't assume they will be interested, and don't offended if they're not. Not everyone will be interested, particularly if you're at a tournament. That's not to say you can't flirt with the ladies you come across, that would be absurd. You might meet the love of your life at a tournament- wouldn't that be lovely?

But if you do want to flirt with someone you meet, just be respectful and mindful. For example, don't flirt with someone when they're in the middle of a game. That's plain rude. Women who wargame are no different than any other women you'd flirt with. And please, for the love of all things good and green on this earth, don't flirt with someone wearing wedding rings. I don't like when I'm in that situation, and it's incredibly inconsiderate.

That brings me to a very serious point about consideration. One of the most prevalently offensive things I encounter is joking about rape. Unfortunately, wargaming situations are where I come across this rhetoric most often. In one instance, I was setting up a game and the person setting up next to me said to his opponent: "I'm gonna rape you all over this table." I asked him not to make light of such a serious crime and his response was “Don’t be so uptight." Not exactly friendly.

These jokes contribute to the normalization of rape in our culture by making a mockery of it. Women are not humorless or “uptight” for not being amused by rape jokes and saying so. It's not that we don't have sense of humor. Rape is not funny and “but it was a joke" is not an excuse to be offensive. Yes, you intended it to be funny, but just as with calling women girls, your intention is meaningless.  

It’s important to give you some context about the reality of rape. It's estimated that 60-70% of rapes go unreported. Think of 5 women close to you (your wife, mother, sisters, aunts, daughters, friends, etc.). Statistically, one of those women you know has been raped, because it happens to 1 in 5 women. Chances are also rather high that when you made that joke, or laughed when someone else did, a rape survivor overheard it.

Underreporting is so high because of the amount of shaming associated with telling anyone. You know what doesn't help? Rape jokes! They perpetuate the idea that sexual assault isn't serious. We already live in a rape culture, which normalizes and accepts sexual violence as ordinary. I've touched on this in another post, but our society teaches "don't get raped" instead of "don't rape." In a society that blames the victim and not the abuser, is it any wonder that few women want to report it?

If you're offended that I didn't laugh, as the person I mentioned was, what you're essentially saying is that it's fine someone raped me but not ok for me to be upset about it. That's blaming the victim, too. Our society constantly blames victims for their actions and behavior both before the rape (dressing "slutty" or “asking for it”) and after (having any reaction to it whatsoever). And since our culture says it’s all right to rape, it continues to be a problem.

It’s hard enough for survivors without people making jokes that say what they went through is funny and unimportant. Rape is an incredibly frightening, humiliating experience and those emotions never go away completely. Please don’t play into this rape humor and stand up to those who do. Just a simple “that’s not appropriate” will do.

You might be tempted to say "I know a woman who's cool with it, so it must be ok." This argument can be used similarly with any group that's marginalized based on ethnicity, race, or religion and all to the same poor effect. The problem here is that every group has some members who do not speak out against their own marginalization, for whatever reason.

This happens because no one is compelled to stand up against these types of problems, and those that do can't or won’t do it every time. It's their choice. Sometimes they have other things to do, maybe they aren't the outspoken type or maybe they're convinced nothing will ever change. There are even people who stick with the status quo because they get something from of it (such as women who participate in cosplay just for attention).

That doesn't mean they don't have an opinion. It also doesn't give you a pass on bad behavior because you know someone in the group who is ok with it. Their opinion does not give you an excuse to invalidate someone else's feelings. It’s important to be more conscious of yourself and how your actions might affect people around you.

Like my opponent who called out his friend for inappropriately asking me out during a game, you need to make people aware that their behavior is offensive or inappropriate when it happens. Certain situations may be more suited to taking that person aside later, but the immediacy is important for changing behavior. Be sure to be direct but also polite. Rudeness will only escalate the situation unnecessarily.

Let's not reinforce these types of behaviors. The point is for you to be mindful and considerate. If you wouldn't do it to one of your fellow male gamers, then it probably isn't appropriate to do it to female ones (except for respectfully flirting, of course).  Our community is not always a hostile environment, but it can be. This is will continue being the case if people let others get away with it.

But these problems can also be easily corrected to make the community more inclusive for all if we take responsibility for our actions and don’t encourage the bad behavior of others. Remember that we're all here to participate in a hobby we all enjoy. After all, that's what hobbies are about and should be an enjoyable experience for everyone.


  1. Well said.I'm always glad to see anyone, but especially ladies get into the hobby. Regrettably, I know several women(including my own wife) who won't game out of the house because of experiences like you mentioned and its a real shame. She loves to paint and is quite the player, but because of a few people, now we can't enjoy the hobby other than the occasional game on the kitchen table or painting together on the rare occasion we can.  I've noticed the online behavior is even worse (which I write off to the age of many of the posters... but its still inexcusable)  It doesn't cost anything to be courteous and polite to anyone. Maybe I'm just a grumpy old fart, but it seems like there needs to be some whoopin's handed out. :) BTW, love your dwarves. Especially the Slayers, They are possibly the most characterful models GW has put out.

  2. I would not be so involved if it hadn't been for my then-boyfriend-now-husband who introduced me to the awesome people he plays with. Without that, I don't know how involved I'd actually be. There are only so many misogynistic, nasty internet posts you can read before it turns you away, and that's all you have without a strong local gaming presence. I live near DC and we have quite a few FLGS to choose from, so if one isn't your crowd you have other options. But not everyone has that kind of access.
    Thanks for the compliment to my Dwarfs. I definitely agree, the older metal ones have tons of character. I'm glad I was able to scrape enough together to make my whole army with them.

  3. Great post. Making people aware of how their behaviour affects others is essential. A lot of the behaviour you flag up is offensive to the more (mentally) grown up members of male community too, it just seems that wargaming has become a breeding ground for such mindless idiots who consider it acceptable. Thanks for raking the time to post this

  4. Playing cheaters sucks period regardless of gender :(
    And getting offered a beer while gaming is good isn't it? We've got a fridge with beer at our gaming club which is pretty awesome. And nobody there drinks to get drunk, just those 1-2 beers.

    As for the rest, agreed...we've got one female gamer and I'm sure she's had bad experiences, and the 'you're a girl-gamer??' must've echoed for her too..which is a bit sad.

  5.  I think part of the reason is that we primarily interact with each other is online, and that's a free for all. I feel as though that internet attitude bleeds over a bit into real life when we do get together for tournaments and cons. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!

  6.  I like a cold beer now and again, but until that nice opponent of mine asked me if I'd like one, I'd never thought to enjoy one during a game. It helped me relax a little, it was my first GT and I was incredibly nervous! I didn't want all the situations I mentioned to be bad ones, because they all haven't been. I wouldn't still be playing if they were.

  7. I'd like to ask you a question that pertains to the use of the word rape in less than serious or humorous contexts. I'm not asking this because I don't agree with you, or that I don't think your argument is serious or is legitimately based.

    What do you think about people using the word murder in similar context, such as "I'm playing Dark Eldar and he's playing Tyranids! I'm gonna  murder him!" or "Ugh, I just got murdered by that Paladin list." Would you argue that such usage makes light of homicide or perpetuate the notion that killing another human being isn't serious? If not, why is that? Again, I'm not asking this rhetorically, I'm genuinely curious. 

    Some might even point out that video games and table top war games contribute to a normalization and perhaps make a mockery of probably the most terrible and potentially atrocious things humans can partake in; war itself! I wouldn't!! But I think those who do employ some of the same styles of arguments that are made in this article. The same could also be said for Nazi jokes!

    Again, I'm almost entirely on your side about this, but I would like to hear your thoughts on these. A great article as this deserves to start interesting conversations!!

  8.  I couldn't possibly explain it better than this video by Jim Sterling on Escapist I came across a little while ago:

  9. Hi, I wanted to let you know that your blogpost here was recently linked to in the subreddit and is being discussed.

    As someone who took time to read through your post and respond I felt you should have an opportunity to stand by or further explain your positions. I'm CornflakeJustice on the thread (I suspect I have the longest response post).

  10. Jim argues about rape in video games and compares it to murder in video games. He was justifying rape as worse than murder, but only in the games. He explained murder as more fair, or more as a battle between two participants who have equal chance and power over the other because they are both soldiers with weapons, and states that rape is worse because it involves the one having complete power over the other, who has no chance to fight back. This is not a fair comparison at all, if taken outside of the relm of video games. Adult men murder women, children are murdered by adult men and women. Those circumstances have the same "power imbalances", do they not? Also he points out that some one who is killed does not have to live with the emotional scarring of being murdered, as a rape victim must live with the trauma of rape. True, but the family and friends of the murder victims must live with similar psychological damage, do they not? Imagine the mother and father of a murdered child.

    There is no way rape should be a pleasurable game mechanic in video games, and Jim makes an effective argument to that extent. However, that is not what we are talking about.

    So why is it that no one takes offence to using the word murder in the same fashion that gamers use the word rape? And why is it not an effective argument to say that such use trivializes homicide, but it can for using the word rape in the same fashion?

  11. I have to say that yes. Rape is horrible. Unfortunately, lets face it. A lot of the wargaming community is comprised of folks that are not fully accepted in mainstream society. Some of these individuals are not subtle, empathic, and/or lack social skills. I personally don't enjoy store games for this very fact and tend to avoid the store when possible. Also, I would be suprised that a woman would play warhammer as well. Most of us smell kind of funny. Just kidding. I would find the suprise would be a jump of joy. We need more woman in the gaming community to help the guys like us to force the bigots to see whats wrong with their free-flinging use of the word rape. The only thing that I want to impress upon you is that 1 in 10 men have been sexually assaulted. The rape culture discussion is not for me, but remember that rape is not just offensive to women and that rape is not just a gender issue. It is a human issue. I know I'll get flack for this but I want to say that I agree with you, but I hope that you can extend that line of thinking to the genuine good minded men out there as well. Cheers, I really enjoyed blog.

  12. I'm not going to sign up for Reddit just for this, but I
    would like to respond to some of what you said there.

    My being a woman does matter. It matters to society, it
    matters to people I interact with, and it has mattered in my experiences
    playing Warhammer. Instead of ignoring, it I have chosen to embrace it. I'm a
    chick and I play Warhammer, so Chick Hammer. I don't mind being called chick as
    it's just like "guy" is for men.

    I've seen, and heard, a lot of questions about the lack
    of women in tabletop gaming. I'm not the only person who gets especially excited by the
    prospect of a new gamer, female or not. We can speculate to the cows come home
    as to why there are fewer women interested in wargaming than men, but I want to
    make sure that those women who are interested feel just as welcomed as everyone

    One last thing. If you say something innocently that
    offends someone but you continue to do it after being called on it, it ceases
    to be innocent. We all have said hurtful things out of ignorance, but it's
    important to change our behavior after it's brought to our attention. Doing
    otherwise shows a tremendous amount of disrespect. And, really, the one thing
    we can do as a community is be more respectful towards women (and honestly
    overall, too). Is that such a bad thing? I think not, particularly considering
    that the upside is more women joining our ranks and there is no downside to
    being respectful.

  13. Of course I sympathize with all victims of sexual assault, the gender of the victim does not matter. However, because my post pertained to my experiences as a woman, I did not speak about male victims as I have no experience with it.

    However, the community doesn't need women specifically to show them what's wrong with throwing the term around. Encouraging more men to do it is important as well. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! Cheers!

  14. As a fellow girl, I think you are a bitch.

  15. If ever a group needs a 6th ed FAQ on how to talk to a woman, its the war gamming comunity. Heck look at the lore, its so full of sexist proclivities. I would love to see the SOB be all amazonian, to the SMs Adonis like visages. I mean even the SOB have male bosses. That being said, great article.

  16. I think you are gaming with the wrong group of gamers. I've been gaming (table top, RPG, war gaming) for over 19 years and have never seen the things you describe. On occasion I have seen some dirt-bag be a dick and me and my friends set him straight real fast. Again, you're with the wrong gamers if they don't tell the other guys to cut it out. When you out in CO check out Attactix and you will find a different atmosphere.

    Of course you could have made all this up just to get page views. Before this post I've never heard of you nor will I likely come back to your little blog here

    So enjoy the negative attention you get now because it is fleeting and without genuine content this blog with flutter back in to obscurity.

  17. Great post. Stuff like this and support from male gamers who've learned to treat women as, gasp, human beings will hopefully help bring more women into the hobby.

  18. Hi,

    I read this article while finishing up a mammoth one of my own. I hope you don't mind but I linked to your post in said article over at my Blog TheFrontlineGamerBlog. Not going to post links without asking because that's just rude. Would genuinely be interested in your thoughts though.

  19. Thanks for the link. Your post was certainly a mammoth, but you made some very excellent points. I'll send you an email to elaborate.

  20. Thanks! I'm seeing more and more support from male gamers in particular the further this article has spread, and it's really great.

  21. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Without even getting into the lore, images, and miniatures themselves this post was already lengthy, but it's certainly something that contributes to the overall tone towards women.

  22. Thanks for the email. Shame you didn't comment on the actual Blog, but given some of the 'heat' this article has produced I can understand why.


  23. I hope you die in a greasefire you disingenuous cunt. Preferably after being raped by a pack of dick wolves.

    Seriously though, the following are facts:

    * Rape jokes are hillarious.

    * While some women have made some minimal efforts towards gaming they are roughly zero percent of those who get *really* involved. That means you should shut your whiny whore mouth since you haven't put enough into the hobby to have the right to an opinion.

    * Homely looking women, such as yourself, revel in the opportunity to farm socially defenseless nerds for attention. Especially by playing pretty much the entire deck of victimhood cards. This kills the fandom.

    * Apparently you completely lack the capacity for even a smidgeon of actual empathy, since you're completely unable to realize that men in fact are very different from women and very much enjoy time the hell away from them.

    In closing, please shove your entire collection of minis up your cunt.

  24. Hey, it's an insecure boy that gets off by posting vile things intended to hurt people online! I can't imagine what it's like to live such a terrible life where you're so horribly insecure about your own masculinity that it forces you to do this, but you have no sympathy from me.

  25. Hi, just wanted to say that his hit the nail on the head with my experiences as a (male) wargamer.

    I'm sad to say that I play very little these days as it's a brilliant way to spend an afternoon or evening. My local gaming scene is absolutely dominated by mouthbreathing neckbeards who haven't washed in several days. The final straw when I stopped playing at the local store was when I walked in one day to see all the regulars lined up in the window commenting on the lasses going in and out of the lingerie shop next door. You know, comments like "I'd rape her any day." and "Well, if I had a few drinks then I'd rape her." I've seen them scare the only girl in the shop away from ever coming back and scare away the "regular" people who have a slightly nerdy hobby. Over time the clientelle has shifted away from mostly "regular" people with a few sperglords, to mostly sperglords with a few "regular" people with gritted teeth.

    Recently there was a new games club starting in the area. I decided to check it out and to start getting back into the gaming side, rather than the painting/collecting side. Sadly it was run by the same people who turned me away from gaming in the first place. I turned up for the opening day and was greeted by the waft of unwashed armpits. And *gasp* there was a girl there. And I overheard several rape jokes ABOUT THE GIRL STOOD LESS THAN 3 METRES AWAY. It was the first and only time that I've been to that club.

    I must admit that I'm as guilty as any for not speaking up in those situations and made it my goal to do so in future and to not let them get away with disgusting behaviour. Unfortunately I've been one of the ones scared away, so on the odd occasion that I do play against them I'd be calling them out as an outside picking a fight, rather than a regular making a point.

  26. Great post. I found it because of the criticism, which seemed overwrought and unfounded. Then I read your post and KNEW that the criticism was overwrought and unfounded.

    I agree 122% that wargaming is a boys' club, and that this can breed all kinds of sexism, misogyny, and cruelty. The fact that so often it is unintentional can sometimes make it even worse. And as some commenters here (and elsewhere) have noted, it can often be hard to speak out against peers when they do horrible sh*t, especially if they're saying it not to you, but to the newbie or the outsider or the stranger.

    Stay strong, and please know that there are people who agree with you.

  27. I'm sorry to hear that these types of behavior have discouraged you from the scene, but I understand where you're coming from. I know running a group isn't everyone's cup of tea, but perhaps you might consider starting your own. Even if it's informal, you might find some new people to play with.

  28. It's definitely not easy. No one wants to be "that" person, particularly in a group that they're new to or don't belong to at all. But because it is, as you said, often unintentional, that makes it a little easier (for me, at least) to say something.

  29. just to jump in on the whole rape issue. I would wager, that 90% of the people you have issues with using said language without any regard, are from the 20 something gamers. Most of us over the age of 30-35...where raised better, know better..and have more respect even for our opponents. It's the gaggle of 'new' gamers, raised on video games and First person shooters who smack talk via mic and internet who never have to 'see' the people they are smack talking about that use it so fluently. they have zero idea of what should be acceptable in a mixed gender environment. It's not just the gaming culture that suffers from this. It's the younger generation who didn't have proper parenting and discipline. Don't blame the hobby, blame the person and those that raised him..or failed too.

  30. Personally I still find it somewhat jarring that sexual abuse based jokes/comments etc are banded about so openly in general conversation, not just in wargaming. I'm not sure why.

    That said, people who say 'rape'are almost exclusively using it without intent to diminish the crime. It isn't different to saying murder/kill/beat/spank except that it causes offence to more people.

  31. I agree with Ryan here. Blame those people or their raising.
    It is not our community that is like this. It is the particular community you see being like it. Not the hobby just the gaming group.
    None of the the people I have played with exhibit any of this behavior and I've travelled at various places to play.
    So it's a shame these pockets of people exist, but it is a minority of gamers as opposed to all. So for this post to be about the hobby community being like this is not fair, only at those few who are.

  32. Nice post. For what it's worth I've been a gamer for the past 30 years, so my comments reflect this.

    The gaming hobby in general, and miniatures-gaming in particular is very male-dominated. More to the point, the younger (to me: under 30) segment of the gaming population has some common tendencies:
    - Limited positive social interactions with women. Guys who spend Friday nights and Saturdays at the game store are probably not ladies' men, so there's the whole fear/insecurity thing going on, which can lead to the misogynist jokes, etc. My wife walked into my FLGS years ago and while no one talked to her she could feel all the single dorks mentally undressing her. She's never been back.
    - The Video Game culture. I think the FPS computer games subculture has made uncouth behavior more acceptable and 'funny' to younger gamers. When I first started playing Call of Duty online I was surprised just how filthy kids could be in the chat, along with the displays corpse humping and other, similar acts. I believe for some people this has spilled over into face-to-face games. Talking smack and generally being crude is not seen as being out of place anymore.
    - We're making a game of war. War is basically humans being terrible to each other and we are making a hobby out of it. Black humor is common, and some people don't have a filter and will say anything. Plus there's probably some people who enjoy making women uncomfortable like that.

    You'll probably also get some unwanted attention because a female gamer is a 'dream woman' for many geeks. My wife doesn't understand the hobby at all and wants no part of it which is fine with me (gaming time is my time away from family), but others are different.

    The rape jokes are very distasteful to me, especially since I have a daughter. That's a line that shouldn't be crossed IMO.


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