Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Mother's Little Helpers

Dandelions are not poisonous. In fact, apparently humans can even eat them, if they're the weirdo, Whole Foods shopping, NPR listening type.

I know this because I had to Google it when my new blog material (a.k.a. our new 6 month old Corgi, Oliver) decided he wanted to eat them along with everything else in the yard. That includes eating worms, frogs, dirt, fencing and the last little bit of Amy's patience.

Now when I start to type in the question, "Is it ok...", Google knows it is me and just automatically starts filling out popular puppy eating questions:

  • Is it ok for my puppy to eat popsicle sticks?
  • Is it ok for my puppy to eat remote controls?
  • Is it ok for my puppy to eat other puppies?

We are scheduled at the end of this month to take him to see a specialist who is an "animal behaviorist". It's official... we have a "problem child".

Oliver has a pretty focused and basic philosophy for a 6 month old (almost 4 in human years) and that is: "is there something you would like me to NOT do? Then I would like to do THAT. A lot."

This was my philosophy as a kid too and I also saw behaviorists, so I definitely recognize the tell-tale pattern of spending 80% of the time making your parents insane and the other 20% acting just barely cute and and endearing enough that they don't throw you away.

The puppy class teacher (who starts every class and "play time" by singling him out and picking him up just out of demonic snarling range of the good dogs) is the one who suggested we schedule the appointment with the specialist, which fortunately just like the classes is free with the Hannah Society adoption and membership.

He also said his obnoxious aggression during playtime is because he simply wants every single other dog in the world, regardless of size, to know that he is the alpha dog. Period.

And although the teacher pulled us aside later and said he cannot advise it lest he get hurt, it might actually help to put him with much bigger dogs who would help adjust his attitude by kicking his ass a little. He said it much more professional sounding though.

Since the behaviorist we're going to meet has been a specialist in the animal rescue adoption and training field for literally decades, we are already writing down some of the more important questions we want to ask him:

  • what the hell is his problem?
  • can we move up the scheduling of him being neutered? To today's visit?
  • his whole being 20% adorable thing is totally an act so we don't sell him to gypsies, right?
  • instead of like a cute puppy, why does his voice sound like Darth Vader had a baby with a velociraptor?
  • what sedatives did you give him right before we first met him to make us think he was not insane? Can we have some? Can you throw in some extra ones for Oliver?
As I just now hit backspace to undo the gibberish from him jumping on the laptop seconds ago (no, really) I think back to how I've always wondered why I was not rewarded by karma with either of my kids also being total hellions, like I always was for my parents.

I realize now that I am getting back every little bit of stress I ever gave my folks, just by a little brat who has a lot more fur. And unfortunately like any textbook pyscho, he's just not naturally afraid of anything, let alone me.