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I Never Asked For This

AliceInJam's picture

I've been reading a lot here and it's been helping me feel like I'm not alone or crazy for my feelings, so here goes.

When my SO and I got together, his daughter was six, and I obviously knew she existed. Before that, I've been child free by choice. He had her every other weekend, and that was ok. I could deal.

Fast forward four years. Her mother moved from another city and bought a house five minutes from us. (Maybe to just torture us??) The time the kid spends at our house has increased to now two nights a week and every other weekend, plus whenever she gets a hair up her ass and just drops her off. He pays 100% of the cost of day care and $800 monthly support. That seems to be excessive since we have her at least 50%, but that's another post.

So here we are now. Her mother has up and gone to another state for family reasons for who knows how long. It's been since May with no end in sight. And now, we have her all day, every day with no breaks.

I'm so angry, and I don't know what to do. I never asked for this. I never wanted to be a full time mom. I don't actually really like the kid, she's horribly behaved and just gets under my skin. I guess it's terrible to hate a child, but I'm just so we overwhelmed and miserable.


MissK03's picture

It's not terrible to hate a child. Some kids are just not likeable (IMO) You need to decided if this is right for you in the long run. I too found myself as a  100 % full time "step mom" little over two years into my relationship. I've been with SO now going on 6 years. BM lives 10 minutes and RARELY sees her kids.. and two of them drive now... 

I could leave at any moment but, i like the look of my 2nd half of my life with SO. We are very close to being able to do whatever we want etc. Skids are 18,16,14.  I'll add I'm 35 and bioless. Does SO and skids piss me off yes. Has BM been caused drama in my life FOR SURE! Have I had many F this I'm out moments.. YEPP! BUT at the end of the day (like I said above) we are very close to freedom. 

Do what you think is right for you. If you can't see yourself being happy. Then move on. 

EDIT: I never saw it coming either. BM was EOWE before we ended up in court then just stopped seeing her kids pretty much. That's the downfall to "step life" You just don't know when things will change.

AliceInJam's picture

Thank you for your perspective! I'm in the same boat where I love our time together when she's not around and the plans for the future. But I'm not sure if I can hang in that long.

MissK03's picture

How old is SD? Also, don't sell yourself short for what YOU want out of life. Make it CLEAR to your SO what YOU want.. if he isn't on the same page as you it's something to consider to continue in the relationship itself.

AliceInJam's picture

She's 10. A long way to go, lol...that is good advice. We need to talk when we're not both stressed and angry.

CastleJJ's picture

First, your SO needs to petition the courts for full custody since BM just up and left her child. If BM expects SO to be full custodial in theory, then he needs to be full custodial on paper and BM needs to be paying SO CS. 

Second, this does not sound like the relationship for you. You were child-free by choice and now you have your skid 24/7. Does your SO do any of the parenting or does he expect you to step up and be "Mommy" to skid? 

AliceInJam's picture

I agree on the court thing. That's what I think fuels at least half of my fire - him paying CS but having her full time. On what planet is that ok??

He parents, but I'm much stricter. Enforcing and making rules falls on me. He does the cool dad stuff, and I'm the one telling her not to stand on the chairs and jump because she's going to crack her head open.

AliceInJam's picture

He is, and that's what we fight about the most. She's a lunatic, and he's stalling on taking her back to court.

ntm's picture

If she's standing on a chair, don't worry about it. If she falls and cracks her head, she'll maybe learn not to stand on chairs. Stepmom rule #1: You cannot care more than the bio parent.

It's not your circus and she's not your child. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd move out. Life is soooooo much easier without  skids in your face. 

Merry's picture

EOWE turns into full time for lots of reasons, and none of them good. It's not what you or anybody wanted, but here you are. You are NOT a bad person for not liking this child or for wanting something else for your life.

Could you tolerate her full time if there was a custody order in place and the BM paid child support? If yes, then your DH needs to pursue that. If not, this isn't the relationship for you. Hard as it is, it's best to move on.

And your DH doesn't get to be the cool dad while you provide the discipline. It should be exactly opposite. You should be more like a fun auntie. That is totally unfair to you and sets up the resentment you are feeling, and that the child will feel. She NEEDS her dad to be an actual parent. Make it clear to DH that you are NOT Replacement Mom in any way.

AliceInJam's picture

Again, very good advice. I think it would take a lot of the anger away if the support situation was different. I'm so angry about him letting crazy BM take advantage of us. That bleeds into everything, and is probably a big part of the feelings I have towards the skid.

SteppedOut's picture

WTF he is still paying child support?!?!?

Oh hell no. Bet if he goes for full custody and CS she will get her @ss back with a quickness. 

AliceInJam's picture

Those are so my thoughts! He doesn't want to rock the boat (don't know why, the boat sucks, lol)....I say let's pull at this thread and see what happens.

SteppedOut's picture

What? Rock the boat? Pretty sure bm did that when she dropped skid off and left the state....for MONTHS now. 

What is she going to do? Come back in a rage and "get full custody"? Don't think so after she abandoned her child for months with zero eta on when she is coming back.

That is the stupidest "excuse" ever - it's completely not vaild. I would force him to file - he is being lazy. 

MissK03's picture

He needs to rock the boat. At some point it HAS to get done. This happened to my SO. He had no choice and had to go to court. It was time. 

zma_16119414's picture

It's totally possible to hate a child. Don't beat yourself up about that feeling! I don't care for my boyfriends daughter AT ALL because she lacks any and all common sense and I find her to be so damn immature that she gets under my skin instantly

DPW's picture

A lot of us have felt that way about our skid(s). It's natural to look at the skid and feel resentment for many reasons, but a lot of what you post can be fixed by your DH if he took action. Put some pressure on him. He should have already petitioned the courts for custody and child support change. He needs to start parenting this kid and stop being a Disney dad. He should have already been positively influencing her behaviour towards the better, etc. 

JRI's picture

We had one month, after the last of 3 SKs moved in, where we had to pay BM child support because the paperwork hadnt cleared and that one month made me want to explode!   I can't imagine paying $800 a month AND having the child full time!

1.  Your DH MUST get the child support and custody issue ironed out asap: paying no CS if the child is there full time and BM paying you, or BM retuns and resumes whatever custody and support the court decides

2.  DH and you revise the parental role with mutually agreed upon standards which HE enforces while you take on the Fun Aunt role.

You need to think things through.  Will he go along with these two things?  Will that be enough to make the situation tolerable for you?  I gave my situation a lot of thought and decided I liked being with DH enougjh to put up with the SK situation.  I'm happy now because at 76 and 84, we are living our happiest years.  But only you can decide if this tough period is worth it.  Good luck.


ESMOD's picture

While I know that if we partner with a person with minor children that there is always the possibility that they children could come to live with us full time, when our partners refuse to deal with the tough issues that come with that.. it can make the situation intolerable.

 He absolutely should be pursuing full custody and a cessation of CS obligations if his EX is not willing or able to hold up her end of the bargain.  BUT.... in this case (with an EX who is still alive and theoretically able to care for her daughter equally).. he also should be thinking of the logistics and how he deals with the situation.. and whether full time custody is something that HE can support and handle.

Because, she is HIS child.. he should be the one parenting.. caring for and financially supporting.   As his partner, you might be asked to do him a favor as a support to help him with his daughter.. just like you might ask him for a favor to drop you off to pick up your car at the mechanic etc.. Partners do support each other and do each other favors... and when you do something to care for his child.. the favor is to HIM.. not his child really.  There is a problem if he is naturally assuming that because you are a woman that you should automatically fulfill that role.  This is his responsibility.

But, then you also have a role in how things play out.  To an extent, as others have said.. you can't care more than the bio parents.  Of course, you don't have to sit there and allow your home and belongings to be destroyed.. neither do you need to accept blatent disrespectful behavior directed towards you.  But, whether she has chores.. .whether she finishes her plate.. or even caries her plate to the sink?  As long as you don't have to pick up her plate.. do more than your share of chores.. then sometimes we, as the "non" parent need to step back and leave things to their parents discretion.  Of course, you can discuss with your SO that a child who knows how to behave and be pleasant and helpful is destined to have a more successful life.  She will be more popular.. have better success in school and work life.. if she learns to be polite and helpful and kind.  It's his job to nurture these traits in her.. and learning responsibility to do chores is also a good learning lesson for life.  But.. it is his responsibility and if he is not inclined to give her boundaries.. that is his perogative.. but he needs to understand that you will have limits to what you will tolerate in your home as to disarray and discord and there will be a breaking point where you may decide that the relationship isn't worth the misery he allows his daughter to sow in the home.  So.. you DO have to pick your battles a bit.  It's helpful when criticisms can be couched kindly in a way that shows concern for the child.. and puts you in a position of an ally with him and his child vs an opponent.  

Of course, he should deal with his Ex's situation... I'm not sure what her family issue is.. but he needs to understand how long it is expected to go on.. and perhaps they need to work out a different custody situation.. I'm sure the girl misses her mom too.. and she should have some contact with her.. visitation if at all possible.. maybe not the old plan.. but something.  And if it looks like this is a long term situation.. yes.. he needs to petition court for an official change to get out of the CS obligation... and you need to decide whether a FT child is something you can live with.