



Five ways to stop student section hijinks

| Thursday, October 11, 2018

Notre Dame football games are one of the most amazing experiences of being a student here. But I think we can all agree that the student section can be improved. After thorough investigation, several focus studies, some intrusive thoughts and a CIF, I’ve compiled the top five ways to improve the student section by putting an end to certain troublesome behavior.

  1. Sand buckets outside the Stadium gates

I know, cigarette smokers (in my own personal experience) are not prevalent in the student section, but e-cigarette smokers are. We’ve all been there: you’re watching the game, and just when Brandon Wimbush is about to throw a home run, a cloud of Juul juice rises into your line of sight. That weird looking guy you see in your physics lecture? He’s vaping his lungs away in front of you while you’re trying to enjoy the game. Your disappointment is immeasurable, and your day is ruined. To solve this, I propose that the Notre Dame administration places sand buckets outside each stadium gate. It works for normal cigarettes, so why not implement them here? Now, would-be e-smokers can safely discard of all electronic cigarette devices before entering Our Lady’s football stadium.

  1. Fighting Irish Catheters

Reading another article in The Observer, I learned of one girl’s plight in the student section where a drunk student urinated on her during the football game. Her article proposed a very serious question of why someone would get so hammered that he/she would urinate in a crowded, public area. An ostensible solution would be to cut down on drinking at tailgates, but we all know that’s wishful thinking. Instead, I propose that the University licenses and sells Fighting Irish Catheters for all Notre Dame fans. The catheter can sport several different designs, ranging from clover patterns to Brian Kelly’s speeches or even your favorite player’s jersey. This solves the problem of public urination without cutting off the flow of booze.

  1. TSA gates

This year, Our Lady’s University started enforcing a clear bag policy, where all large bags brought into the stadium must be clear. This is largely seen as a poor attempt by the University to earn more money by selling expensive clear bags to unsuspecting Notre Dame fans. However, I see this is as a genius economic power move under the guise of safety protocol. Why stop at clear bags, though? Did Fr. Hesburgh ever stop walking hand-in-hand with Martin Luther King, Jr. until racism ended completely? No! Not everyone can do something, but someone can do everything. By implementing TSA-style security gates at each stadium entrance, we have all the security we need. Additionally, we have the added bonus of bringing filled liquid containers 3.4 ounces or less into the stadium. But, you do have to ensure your Fighting Irish Catheter is empty before entering.

  1. Sit down during the whole third quarter

My feet hurt.

  1. Snipers on top of Jenkins’ Imperial Palace

Especially at the Stanford game, there’s been a problem of people throwing their water bottles down to the lower level of the student section. A simple solution, of course, is training the Navy ROTC in sniping, stationing them on top of the Student Center and giving them orders to shoot any threatening water bottle or trash throwers. Ideally, this system acts only as a deterrent, but if someone were to raise his/her arm to throw a water bottle into the crowd, a Navy sniper already has the target in the crosshairs, ready to incapacitate the suspect with a high-velocity tranquilizer dart (did you think I was proposing homicide?). This will surely cut down on the littering that occurs at football games.

But for real, why did I feel inspired to write this horribly-written, satirical letter? Why do we attend a highly prestigious school, yet the students here are so irresponsible that they would throw trash at other people or even urinate on someone else? I guess it’s just something about the duality of man. Oh, and if you vape during the football game, you can stay, but y’all are on thin ice.


Thomas Howe


Oct. 3


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