Starbucks Orders 3 Beheadings Over Employees Failing To Fulfill Fatwa

Written By Pastor John Mathewson

Starbucks, the company that sells Islamic coffee to American-loving patriots on Christmas season, has continued its war against American values by executing three of its managers for not complying with the “Starbucks Standards”. Starbucks has long been a brand for the social justice warriors (internet democrats) and Marxists that want to see an end of American culture and almost equally important, Christmas. It is not unusual for Starbucks to be particularly irresponsible around the Christmas season, as their company may have been responsible for the War on Chrismas Tragedy of 2017. Starbucks has also been known to have connections to Antifa, as they share the same company values (the destruction of the American Dream).

Starbucks ordered their yearly fatwa to the menu for this holiday season and their first that did not involve their red recycling programs. The top three worst-performing Starbucks locations would have their managers subject to a beheading and/or decapitation for their managers for not living up to the “Starbucks Standards”, an English translation of the Quran. While the Starbucks Standards is not the entire Quran, all parts of the Starbucks Standards are referenced back to the Quran and the Islamic religion, the same religion of their founder and two-time Ex-CEO Howard Schultz. The three locations of the beheadings and/or possible decapitations is not known at this time, due to police fears of riots at the locations.

Our three unfortunate victims of this latest War on Christmas fatality were Hannah Robinson, 27, Pablo Calzoni, 49, and Little Jon Kim, 67. May we honor their memories this upcoming Christmas and for all Christmases in the future, for they died as martyrs of the Christian faith, chosen by our Lord and his son Jesus, to defend Christendom from the Godless Islamic Barbarians that drink their coffee from Starbucks. They will not be able to come home and celebrate Christmas with their heterosexual families.

2019 is a stark reminder to our fellow Christians everywhere that we do not live in safety, not even in the United States during the Christmas season. For as long as evil companies like Starbucks and the politicians who support their right to exist like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer keep enabling their behavior, we are all at risk to not witness another Christmas. They defend Starbucks by claiming it falls under their company’s Second Amendment rights in order to justify Saudi Arabian-like executions on its poorest-performing managers. What may appear as an attempt to show a no-tolerance policy to make a strong statement against company inefficiency and promoting worker productivity is really just a public relations excuse to commit legally permitted fatwas under their Sharia Law approved, Islam-endorsed “Starbucks Standards”.

I fear this is not the last time we’ll hear about the Godless Islamic Barbarians and their crusade against Christmas and the millions, if not billions, of Christmas celebrators. They will not stop us, but they will attempt to destroy our might to weaken us. We must keep our guard out and watch ourselves, for we can’t trust the Democratic Party and their feebleminded worldviews to defend our right to be merry. But until the next attack, from Starbucks or any other (more likely than not) Democratic Party-endorsed corporation like Costco, we must remain vigilant and stand our ground.

But until the next attack, and if I happen to be the next victim of this unjust war against religious liberty, I say to you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Hebrew Israelites, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Howard Schultz Changes Political Affiliation To Independent In Effort To Corrupt America With Presidential Campaign, Islamic Coffee

Written by Gilbert Miser 

Howard Schultz, the Islamic ex-CEO of Starbucks, has formally announced his presidential campaign for 2020 which he already kickstarted in June 2018, as Bullshit News has covered the moment his campaign began. Howard Schultz, fearing the already large number of unqualified Democrats currently in the running that are not nearly as powerful or rich as he is, has decided to play it safe and run as an independent candidate, otherwise known as the “Ross Perot” or the Joe Leiberman political euthanasia exercise. It is a non-working strategy only the Democrats would use on themselves if they felt too giddy beating Republicans in states by more than a percent margin. Howard Schultz, clearly not an expert in American history, thinks he can use this strategy to get what he wants.

Bullshit News has authorized a boycott on Starbucks since November 2017 when Starbucks unveiled its infamous corporate fatwa by forcing employees to greet customers with the un-American “Happy Holidays” and refusal to recognize Christmas as a holiday and further ignited the War On Christmas. Starbucks aligned with our enemies in ISIS/ISIL, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the FBI in supporting Godless Islamic Barbarianism that threatens to destroy Donald Trump and the American people. Howard Schultz represents the failure of the American Electoral System, by being the reason people might have to think outside of a human-constructed binary pattern that has been in the works for nearly 250 years. But destroying cultural institutions is something that Howard Schultz is familiar with, invoking controversy is within his genome. He is perhaps more of a threat to America than whichever Democrat ends up losing in 2020.

We made a promise to you, the proud and faithful readers, in our mission statement that Bullshit News will never be owned by a mammoth media corporation like the one Howard Schultz has corruptedly run and operated, promoting illicit liberal beverages in an effort to promote Jihads. It is our imperative to remind the faithful Bullshiteers that Howard Schultz is not the man he appears to be in mainstream media outlets. They call him “the one who will put America back together again as he has done before over his famed caffeinated iced beverages”. Howard Schultz is a fraud, a billionaire economy-contributing fraud, but a fraud nonetheless. His plans to run as an independent is an illusion to pretend to distance himself from Democrat Party by pretending to be more of a hardline conservative willing to rule America like Mussolini. He hides is Democratic, Islamic past in an effort to look like a middle class Christian American conservative, which he absolutely is not.

His campaign may last a week, or it could win the presidency. We, the faithful reporters of Bullshit News, are here to remind you again that Howard Schultz is a corrupt nepotistic Democrat who, much like Hillary Clinton in Canada, wants absolute power and will ruin anyone that attempts to step in his way. Bullshit News intends to step in his way to help benefit you, the loyal readers, into voting for a real Republican who has done as much as he can to help as many lives as he possibly can with his current track record, President Donald Trump.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.

Coffee And Tea Are Not Good For You And Me

Written by Aaron Lau

The beverage industry is one of the most powerful forces in America, as well as the entire world. Sure, everyone “needs” water, but there exists alternative to water as well. But that doesn’t mean they’re good alternatives, there are mind-altering substances out there that rival America’s drinking industry. As everyone knows, the United States of America invented the soda and its two flavors: Coke and Pepsi. Other countries like Afghanistan and India, lack the great innovations America brings onto the world, and prefer their old forms of not-water beverages that are akin to drugs. The inventions, coffee, and tea, drug people to ideas that America is not a great country and delude these same people with liberal ideas and intentions.

Sadly in America, coffee and tea are all too ubiquitous in our civil society. That doesn’t mean they are bad, like cigarettes*. It means that too many Americans willingly indoctrinate themselves in liberal drug-beverages and thus susceptible to be part of the problem. The more Americans support the coffee or tea industry, the worse America suffers in our soda industry. There are alleged health benefits to coffee or tea, such as “mindfulness” or “spiritual reawakening” but these are just liberal buzzwords with no meaning and too much substance. They are rhetorical tools that cults use for people to keep funneling them money.  The coffee and tea industries seek to do just that, using their addictive beverage industries as a cult in order to make Americans challenge the status quo.

Of course, America has coffee and tea industries which are infamously liberal. Starbucks is a racist Jihadist coffee company that manages to innovate ways of offending everyone every year. Howard Schultz, the Islamic CEO of the Starbucks coffee brand, has decided to step down to form stage two of his plan to overthrow America: by running for president as a Democrat. If you’re a long time follower of Bullshit News, you have subscribed to the boycott of their Jihadist coffee framework and are aware of their opposition to Christmas as a holiday. And this same corrupt Democrat that drugs the majority of coffees in America that turns well-mannered Americans into radical democrats wants to lead our country in 2020.

Tea industries are rampant in America as well and do not have a strong single presence like Starbucks. But tea is just as awful and corruptible like coffee, just that it comes from Afghanistan and not India. They give different highs than coffee in a way that marijuana allegedly gives the user different highs. But all these “highs” lead the user into poor decision-making decisions, the tendency to vote Democrat, and holding the belief that America is not a strong, unified, and powerful country. Pass on tea, iced or otherwise, beer or soda is much more American and better for our big brains.

So my fellow Americans, abstain from coffee and tea, for they intend to poison your mind, question your surroundings, and vote Democrat. Howard Schultz will return in two years to give his “five-year plan” or whatever in his presidential campaign and us noble and good-hearted Americans cannot accept this man’s highly addictive liberal drugs. Aldous Huxley warned the world of dangerous men like Howard Schultz using drugs to tame the status quo for nefarious and illicit means in “Brave New World”. And to live in “Brave New World” is a vote for Howard Schultz, a Godless Islamic Democrat who wants to ruin America with his shitty mind-altering beverages.

Aaron Lau is the Bullshit News specialist in Social Media, Internet, and other On-Line media-culture related issues. He is married to his lovely wife, Cindy. He enjoys ultimate frisbee and certain technologies including video games but not the liberal propaganda-endorsed “fidget spinners” that are designed to spin Republicans to the left. He has an Associates’ in Information Systems from George Washington University and owns a Chow by the name of “Zappa”.


*Cigarettes can be good depending on how much money we will receive to change this sentence.