Dear Piers Morgan...

A tweet from the former TV host prompts many questions. Like, "Huh?"

Piers Morgan
Creative Commons

Dear Piers Morgan,

I saw your recent tweet regarding "joggers" and the recent snowstorm:


As a runner, a fan of Boston, and a self-styled expert on the subject of joggers, I felt compelled to respond.

More than anything, I'm puzzled. Your 115-character tweet raises so many questions! I hope you can find the time to answer some of them. 

  1. How do you know the joggers in question were Idiots? Are you sure they weren't non-affiliated? Did you ask?
  2. For that matter, are you certain they were jogging? There are differences between jogging and running, but they are subtle and can be hard to discern. Especially from your couch.
  3. Here's the question I'm really struggling with: How does a jogger – or, really, anyone on foot – become "trapped" in a snowstorm? Particularly in a dense, urban setting? Do they spin out of control into a snowbank and get stuck, trying to extricate themselves by jogging backward, faster and faster, but only making the situation worse? Do their limbs get coated in ice, like on airplanes, causing them to stall? Are they buried under little avalanches rolling down from storefront awnings? Do they run out of fuel and become stranded? How exactly does a jogger become incapacitated in snow?
  4. Related to the above: What sort of "public money" might be spent helping these trapped joggers? Do you mean, like, the Coast Guard would be forced to send a helicopter to Copley Square, where it would hover as a Rescue Jogger rappels down to deliver dry mittens to some idiot whose fingers are really cold? Or the Fire Department might have to dispatch a truck – putting several firefighters at risk! – to pull a panicked jogger from a patch of black ice? Or a cop could offer an idiot jogger a cup of hot cocoa – that your tax dollars paid for! – in a gesture of good will?
  5. Just spitballing here, but: Would you be okay with private funds used to help such joggers?
  6. Actually, would a Kickstarter campaign work? 
  7. Probably not. When a jogger is trapped in the snow, time is of the essence. 
  8. Also, Kickstarter doesn't accept charity campaigns. Hey! Maybe Gofundme instead?
  9. Having never watched you on TV, or read anything you've written, I recently spent several minutes scrolling through your Twitter feed to see what you're all about. As a result, my brain feels sad. May I request "public money" to compensate me for this?
  10. Wait... Are you that guy who used to be on CNN?

    If you can, please use short words for the benefit of any idiots reading this.



    Mark Remy

    Photo via iDominick/Creative Commons

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