Adventures of a depressed executive assistant

Dear Diary

Team keeps telling me what a lovely day it is outside while I sit at my desk, inbox heaving

I can smell fresh air coming from a meeting room window kept ajar. It smells like freshly cut grass and broken dreams

Dear Diary

Chased by a homeless man in the park today while nipping out for milk for the office

Evaded assailant but then tripped in LK Bennet kitten heels and bounced off a neighbouring holly bush

Dear Diary

New temp started today. Had high hopes – but so far is unable to fathom how to work the phone without six page instructional guide. Jumps as if electrocuted when it rings, which is at least mildly entertaining.

Dear Diary

Assigned another new team member today, bringing my total to 18… While my counterparts have four and six respectively.

Grossly unfair but also predictable as have survived all other six assistants over the past year and a half.

Dear Diary

Late for work today.

When I managed to fight my way onto the train, I stood pinioned in place between stations and a sweaty armpit for ten minutes due to ‘signal failure’. Even if I wanted to smoke signal work to alert them to my predicament I am unable to.

Sadly can predict the conversation I will have on reaching the office:

Supervisor: “Why didn’t you call or email to say you were stuck on the underground?”

Me: “I tried, but as I was stuck underground, there was no signal”

Supervisor: “…then you should have sent a text”

Unsure if Supervisor knows how technology works

Dear Diary

My bosses Aston Martin has been given a cammo paint job for the summer

This was apparently done intentionally and not by vandals

Dear Diary

Supervisor called me at 10:00am on the first day of my holiday – on my personal phone.

After clearing her throat self importantly she said

“Why is your work phone off? Don’t think you can turn it off just because you are on holiday

Dear diary

Returned to office after four glorious days of freedom to discover the following 608 emails in my inbox

Dear Diary

Chased by same homeless man again. Decide to get milk delivered

Dear Diary

Forced to attend a work drinks. Have bottom patted by senior executive and consume gratuitous amounts of French martinis as a result until the earliest possible moment I can leave

Dear Diary

Woken unceremoniously at 05:00am Saturday morning by phone mid-notification seizure

Travel crisis. Manage to smuggle team member back into the country after hour-long negotiations with travel team and then collapse back into bed

Dear Diary

Consider leaving passive aggressive instructional wall posters – but decide instead to increase cleaner visits due to team leaving dirty cups/ plates and discarded takeaway cartons all around (but not in) the empty bin and dishwasher during the day.

Dear Diary

Had to skip lunch again so went to kitchen to refill on tea and inhale a snack bar when met by manorexic MD. He looked me up and down (while I stood, frozen, with snack bar in hand) and his eyes hovered nastily on my bottom before drawling “I wouldn’t do that”

Dear Diary

One of my team casually mentioned I look tired and ill. Somehow resisted urge to staple him in the face

Dear Diary

Arrive at work to discover new expenses strewn haphazardly all over my desk and my peace Lilly almost dead.

Repeat calming mantra to myself and consume caffeine

Dear Diary

Great big blobs of my day are clearly being abducted by aliens

It was 09:00 five minutes ago – so how is it 16:30??

Dear Diary

A team member walked up to my desk and abruptly dumped six months worth of expenses I have been chasing him for onto it. Apparently he is handing in his notice soon and ‘wants his money’ before he goes.

He says I have until Thursday to input them all.

It’s Tuesday.

Dear Diary

Temp turned to me this afternoon and said she needed to go drop her kids off. Baffled, as unaware she had any. When I mentioned this and asked her where the cresh was she laughed in my face.

Dear Diary

It turns out that “dropping your kid off” doesn’t in fact mean what I thought it meant

3 thoughts on “Adventures of a depressed executive assistant

  1. jennsmidlifecrisis says:

    How many times I’ve wanted to blog about my life in the cubicle of purgatory but too many people would know just WHO I was talking about. Have made note to buy journal and passive-aggressively takes notes. Best selling novel may one day help me pay for kitty litter. Thank you for the inspiration!

  2. The Mottled Macaroon says:

    Funnily enough I have been writing one too! It’s part ‘Edward the depressed hamster’ and part ‘Bridget Jones… If she were me.’
    Just needed to send a brief “can I get an amen?” into the universe. Amazingly enough – everyone can relate. I’m shocked. She says … while raising an eyebrow and sipping meaningfully from a glass of wine

  3. jennsmidlifecrisis says:

    Don’t forget the devil wears Prada as well. Worked for boundaryless, psycho workaholic lawyers before I retired to the high life…in a church! Some days I miss the lawyers…..

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