Wednesday, June 30, 2010

EXPOSED: The truth about camping.

Hey everybody, Dutch here. I know Pug just spent the last two days talking about nature and how much fun our weekend in the wild was. And you're all probably sick of hearing about it. But in the interest of fair and balanced blogging, I'd like to tell you about *my* wilderness experience.

It's no secret that I don't like camping. I once faked a limp during a trip to Utah so my human would cut our time in outdoor hell short and return me to civilization. But Pug loves camping for some reason. And because he loves it, he makes the whole thing sound like so much.... fun. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not.

What fresh hell is this??

Take sleeping under the stars, for example. It happened on this camping trip because my human forgot to bring the tent. Yes, the tent. If you've never been camping, a tent is the thing that's supposed to protect you from nature while you sleep. Yeah, we didn't have one of those this time. My human tried to sugarcoat the situation by giving tentlessness a cool name. A "bivouac", she called it. Well she can call it whatever she wants, but I call it sleeping on the ground waiting to be eaten by a bear. Because that's exactly what it is and there is nothing fun about it.

Supermodeling & backpack-free.

Then there's the backpack. Pug hates that I have a backpack and he doesn't. But that's only because he's never actually worn a backpack. While he was prancing around like a supermodel in his cute little stay-cool bandana, I schlepped bottles of water like some sort of pack animal. Being mistaken for a mule is one more reason not to like camping.

Lack of basic amenities is another reason not to like it. Pug thought it was cool to eat out of a ziplock bag, but seriously. Are you kidding me? I like to eat my food from a bowl like a civilized dog. Plastic bags are for poop.

And then there's the dirt. And the bugs. And things that go boo in the night. I don't like any of those things and camping is all about ALL of these things. Maybe if camping was cleaner and bugless, I'd enjoy it more. But it's not. So I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I really do like nature. I just don't think anyone should have to sleep in it for days at a time. Especially without a tent. Or a bowl to eat and drink from. Honestly, the only thing I like about camping is when it's over and I get to go home and sleep in a nice clean bed.


Brutus, Ellie, Pippa and Otto said...

Dutch - you sound just like our dad. He doesn't like camping at all. Maybe you can convince your human to rent a cabin next time - that would be much better than sleeping outside.

Pugs & Kisses,

Yoda & Brutus

Anonymous said...

Hey Dutch - I'm with you...camping is not for civilized dogs and I'm a pug and a prissy one at that. I need clean food & water bowls, my blankie to sleep on and its really hot in Texas so I demand A/C. Don't even think about asking me to get wet, swimming is for fish!!!
From Ellie in San Antonio.
PS - Backpack?? What's with that?

Sabrina said...

Maybe camping wouldn't be so bad if only you could bring electric blanket?

Anonymous said...

Oh Dutch, you are too funny!! This was a great post. It's so funny you ratted your human out for forgetting the tent. I laughed so hard at that one. Beautiful dalmatian shot of you and the blue sky and green meadow. And you *do not* look happy eating out of the plastic bag.

Thanks for blogging about your adventureless venture. It was so funny to hear about it from your perspective! Too many funny things to name...

Anonymous said...

You and Puglet are a great pair! It's so funny to see you side by side. You're like the Opposite Brothers! A pug and a dalmatian!

Mr. Puggle® said...

P and D, i have been fishin' lately so i just got caught up with your blog. you guyz are so funny. loved the fair and balance blog comment!

Apollo said...

Awww Dutch. Next time they go camping, you're welcome to come stay with me. Or I'd be happy to trade you places. When we go camping we have to use a tent. My Mommy said something about having to zip me in so I don't run off chasing the night critters?

dw said...

OMD, Dutch, your human forgot the tent?? That's like forgetting a birthday cake, like forgetting air for the tires, like forgetting bug spray in the forest! Sheesh! And to make you carry the water and have to drink it out of a plastic bag? I totally agree - plastic bags are for the poop! Sheesh!

Stubby said...

Hi Dutch! I've never camped but I have a feeling I wouldn't like it. I love sleeping in a regular bed, eating out of a bowl (like a civilized pug), and I hate bugs - yuk! Puglet can have the great outdoors. You and I will camp inside!

Stubby xoxo

Wilma said...

Hi there Dutch,
You are too funny. I like your perspective on camping. I've been before. In the White Mountains of New Hampshire in a real Indian tee pee! It was OK. I'm not really the "outdoorsy" type. I think Sluggo would like it though. He would be in Puglets camp on this one (pun intended) You do look quite p.o.'d about the baggie.

Those Elgin Pugs said...

Hello Spot Dot Doggie!!
I've never been camping...
I'm wits yous!!
Does NOT sound like much funs!!
I would rather be in my comfy bed with my
stuffies and my pillow and air conditions!!

Yous funny yous faked gimps to have hooman carry you!!
I's not really hard of hearing or seeings...
I's embellish a littles...
Makes Mommy carry me arounds everywheres,,,
Hee Hee!!!!

xoxoxo Josie

Anonymous said...

We want to know the sleeping guys have your own sleeping bag? Tessa would want to be in the bag with our mom...but Pearl likes her own "space." We haven't been camping yet, we think we would like it...but I agree, we want our china dog bowls!!

SpencerBartholomew said...

Oh my, Dutch... this is so funny! My Gmaw says you are so right about camping... bugs, dirt! How scary it would be with no tent! Your human is very brave and I'm sure she will always protect you in any situation, but still... someday I will get to go camping but I will make sure my Gpaw takes the tent!

Crabbie Chris said...

No truer words have ever been spoken Brother Dutch. Mom detest all things camping...even though she's never been. She says she'd rather have a root canal without drugs, than have to attempt to go camping. Dad thought it'd be fun to camp in the back yard, mom said it's even more fun to sleep in the bed! I'm with you and mom, sleeping outside gives me the willies!!
I would like to point out, that you are soooo brave to sleep without a tent. Brave and handsome...that's a yummy combo

THE PUGLET said...

Hi everybody ~

This is still Dutch. I have NO FREAKING IDEA how my human forgot the tent. Her brain is gimpy, but usually not *that* gimpy. When she said we had no tent, I thought that meant we'd get to go home. But then she came up with the "Bivouac" thing and camping took on a whole new shade of awful :(

As far as sleeping arrangements go, I do have my own sleeping bag. My human gave me her old one and got a new one for herself because apparently I am a bed-hog both in and outdoors. Pug sleeps wherever he wants - on my head one night, in the bottom of my human's bag the other.

Do you think they make electric blankets for camping? That might (and it's a pretty big might) make things almost not completely horrible.

THE PUGLET said...

Wilma ~

I'm pretty sure the White Mountains are what started the camping insanity. Is there some big mountain there with really bad weather? I think it's the first place my human ever backpacked/camped.

If I remember the story correctly, she didn't know anything about weather and altitude (or mountains) when she climbed to the top of Mt Bad Weather. It was hot and sunny at the bottom, so she wore warm-weather clothes. Near the top of the mountain, it was icy and freezing cold. A stranger lent my human some winter clothes so she could finish the hike (and not die of hypothermia).

You'd think that would have made her *not* want to camp ever again... but no such luck.

Anonymous said...

Dutch - I agree w/you completely!!! Too bad you don't live here on the East Coast, you could stay w/us and have your pick of beds or couches to sleep on while your human & pug are away roughing it!!

Ann & Frodo

Salinger The Pug said...

Dutch, Dude...I'm with you. "Roughing it" is what the Holiday Inn EXPRESS is for!!!!

You and Puglet are too friggin adorable! Sorry you were mistaken for a pack animal out in the "fresh hell" (LOL!)


Kitty+Coco said...

AMEN Dutch, preach on! Uh-huh. Sleeping under the stars?? Pulease. Sounds like bait dangling to me. We have to have our memory foam mattress. Hope you at least got fresh spring water out of the deal. All of this brewhaha over being descendents of wolves has the humans thinking we enjoy nature hell. Wrong.
Kitty (your fellow 4-star accomodations friend)

THE PUGLET said...

I am SO glad to hear I am not the only one who feels this way about camping. Pug & my human don't understand my objections. They think *I* am the weird one.

The fake limp in Utah earned me a pink collar that says Princess on it and makes 100% of all humans call me she... and now this camping expose has Pug calling me Geraldo

Dutch :(

Anonymous said...

Dutch, I have a secret, and it will change your opinion on camping. RV. my mom just got us one, and while puglet might say it is "cush" camping, it totally balances all the fun of nature, with all the comforts of home. we have a fridge, fans/AC (if we need it), couches, warm cozy spot to sleep at night BUT we still get the fun outdoors too. I heard my mom say she's too old to sleep on the hard ground anymore, but if it means we get the benefits too, I'm all for it.
Bet my mom would let you sleep in the RV with us, if we ever went 'camping' together.

pugsmom said...

Dear Geraldo.........I mean Dutch,
We have never camped, nor have we ever slept outside. The closest we come to nature at midnight is barking out the window when the neighbor lets his dog out for a potty. Our human hates that, because we try very hard to protect her through the window and the shrubs and the fence, but she just says we wake her up and she can't get back to sleep. Doesn't bother us at all, even after all that heart pumping guard dog stuff; we go right back to sleep.

Here's what I want to know: Kizzy and me, we wander off if we get a chance. Especially Kizzy, would probably go exploring in the middle of the night and get lost in the woods. Does your human hook you to a leash when she is asleep without a tent? No offense intended.

THE PUGLET said...

Tobee ~

An RV ounds waaaaaaaaaay too good to be true. Are you making this up?? I was going to suggest the cabin thing, but we did that the summer before Pug came. I was stuck in Tahoe for THREE WHOLE MONTHS! And sometimes at night, this great big bear would come and snoop around the deck and...

Anyway. An RV isn't something you'd live in for months at a time, right?

- Dutch

THE PUGLET said...


That's a good question. My human didn't really know what to do because we don't normally "Bivouac". We tried the leash thing, but we only had our normal ones and that didn't really work because they're short.

My human ended up putting glowy-things around our necks so she could see us in the dark (how she remembered those and not the tent is a mystery) and kept a lamp on all night so we could see her. No way was I going to wander off into the night and Pug just barks at stuff...

Anonymous said...

Dutch, so far we've only stayed in the RV for 2 nights at a time. I suppose you could live in it for months, but its not as big as a normal house, so I think it would feel really small after awhile. especially since mom brings both cats plus me and zoe. Mom says we are taking a 3 week trip later this year, but since we will be seeing lots of different places in other states, I don't think we'll get bored. I'm putting my foot down if it lasts any longer than that.
The best part of the RV is that it means we get to be with mom all the time. I hate when she goes to work.

3pugs2luv said...

We don't know how you survived without a tent. For us camping comes with a RV. Forget the fact that it's "cushy" camping - it keeps the night critters, like; skunks, vicious racoons, bears & wildcats, away from you. We would have demanded to sleep in the car. Maybe next time you can have someone else go over the checklist before you leave. As far as the pack animal situation, there are really no words: other than we're sorry. Just explain to your human that you live in the city for a reason & next time camping is on the agenda you'd prefer to be left out of it.
Luv, Zoey & Phoebe
P.S. Do you know if you're going to PugSun? If you are we will take Pug's b-day present.

Rambo and Miss Ellie said...

Outdoors means potty only!!!!! Not sleeping... You are a brave dude for hanging in there... The RV idea sounds good to me... Hope next time Puglet and the human will go some place a lot less green for you....Thanks for the heads up on the outdoor sleeping thing, because if my human saids camping I will be ready to run the other way...

Anonymous said...

Dutch you are too funny making those remarks about your human with the tent and glowy-on-the-dark things. Hilarious. Love this post. And I'm with you on the camping thing. How people (and their dogs) rough it is beyond me. Not to worry--you're totally normal on this one.