Sunday, November 08, 2009

How to Kill a Pepper While Looking as Cool as a Cucumber

Back in July, I was invited to a supper party at Blair and Gwen's house at which I was promptly put to work slicing and dicing vegetables. Let me remind you, I am adequate with a knife and can get the job done but I may be wearing half of what I've cut up and the end result isn't always pretty.

So to ask me to slice and dice anything is a risky proposition. However, when Gwen, former professional chef, laughed at my product, I decided something must be done about my vegetable mutilation skills.

Last week, if you recall, I took a culinary knife skills class. I learned knife selection, safety, and sharpening. I also provided comic relief. But most importantly, I learned a very important and practical to kill a pepper.

So now I am going to show you how to kill a pepper. If you already know, then I only have one thing to suck for not having told me years ago.

Step 1:
Pick out a proper cutting board.

This is NOT a proper cutting board. Glass sucks. I dunno why.

Wood is a good choice. I dunno why. Notice our butcher block island has already been well loved by knives.

Step 2:
Select and sharpen a good knife.

I couldn't take a picture of me sharpening the knife. Pretend.

Step 3:
Find a naked and bathed pepper and lure it home by any means necessary.

The pepper is trembling as it catches a glimpse of the glinty steel gaze of the knife.

Step 4:
Chop the stemmed end head off the pepper.

Pepper is no longer trembling. It's now dead.

Step 5:
Slice off the butt end of the dead pepper.

Step 6:
Stand the pepper up on its flattened butt end and then carefully perform the modified Y-incision by slicing lengthwise.

Step 7:
Scoop out as much of the guts as you can.

Step 8:
Carefully press the pepper out as flat as you can without breaking it and then slice parallel through the white pulpy stuff to remove the unattractive parts more thoroughly.

Step 9:
Flip the pepper over so its insides are down and then begin cutting thin julienne strips as uniformly as possible.

Step 10:
Continue slicing until the pepper is reduced to thin strips of pepper flesh.

At this point, you are probably done except for storage and clean up.

Just in case though, you may need a glass of wine to steady your nerves. I would not recommend having the glass prior to or during the procedure.

Also, keep some ice handy just in case you slice off an appendage. You'll need it to keep the finger cold on the way to the hospital for re-attachment.

Additionally, if an appendage is cut off, set down the knife and either dial or have your cat dial (it would be helpful to train the cat beforehand) 911. Do NOT tell the paramedics you were killing a pepper. You want to go to the hospital...not jail.

Once you've returned home from the hospital then it's VIOLA! Perfectly julienned red pepper slices for your personal pleasure.

You're welcome.

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