First Crush (Part 1)

“Yang, remember, do not date until you can earn a living, if not…” Mom’s stern words still buzzed in my head and acted as a deterrent to not fall in love with anybody. However, Murphy’s law is true, these words were only meager impediments to me, humans are creatures that have the ability to love, the feeling was unstoppable and meticulously brewed in my heart by the ‘master chef’- time.

It was my first time seeing her. She felt different compared to the other girls, she had an enigmatic beauty spiced with a sense for adventure. As she spoke, her voice had a distinctive frequency and high amplitude with a tinge of boyish and hints of an easy-going person. Her smile radiated the bonhomie demeanor hers, although she was outspoken and rude at times. Her laughter was the loudest and the most contagious compared to the other people I had met. Penndragon was adorable as the way she was, an adventure seeker.

The genesis of this feeling started like a spark which rekindled deep down in my heart. The chambers of my heart acted like a loose cannon, butterflies in my stomach, the intermittent hiccups in my thoughts.

What is this? Is it a crush? I questioned myself but the only thing that lurked in my mind was her. Shit… This is a deep one…

Day in, day out, to and fro, catching a glimpse of her was inevitable because we were in the same class. The compelling urge to steal a glance from her found me everyday. The prime motive of coming to school eventually became looking at her instead of studying, even just for a sliver of a second, it would satisfy my hunger for her.

I could not handle the advent of a crush, so I let my emotions and desires to take over me.

Yang, wake up, it’s time to see her.
Sleep earlier, Yang, tomorrow you could see her.
Why are there weekends? Nevermind, Monday will come.

That was how blind love could be, deluded my mind with absurd fantasies between me and her. Since we were in the same class, I would stare at her whenever I wanted to, I stalked how she write, the posture of how she sat, how she caught some Z’s during tedious classed, the way she stroked and tied her hair. Beautiful.

When she looked at me, I swiftly resumed my work, pretended that nothing had happened.

As time passed, the ‘master chef’ garnished my heart with sugar spice and everything nice which made me more curious about her. Looking and staring at her for the whole time was intriguing but not as exciting as talking to her, or at least get to know her a little more. Having more info about her was akin to getting closer to her.

The cowardice and those words abruptly activated a defense system to stop me from talking to her. But, the feeling I had for her completely obliterated the system with the help of the spurt of hormones, I was adamant to talk to her. The thought kept me sleepless throughout the night. Just get her Facebook. 

I was still reciting the lines when I was walking towards her. My heart was pulsating with a paroxysm of anxiety, beads of sweat were rolling down my head.

“Penndragon…” my voice was shaky.

“Yes, Yang?”

“Could… you give me your…” I was frantically searching for words, ” Err… Facebook?”

“Sure.” She tore a piece of paper and scribbled on it and handed it to me.


I hurried back to my place, trying to hide the blush on my face. I took a peek at her, it was as if nothing had happened. My heart sprung with joy as if the reaping season of crops arrived earlier than expected.

P.S. 2014/15
Fragments from my first crush

Be ‘hope’-ful for the continuation…

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Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

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