5/25/2005 – Editorials

By Richard Peterson

Here are some interesting items from the Internet:
Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.
There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. It could be a right number.
Think about this . . . No one ever says "It’s only a game" when his team is winning.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Like me, Allen Stock at The Independent in Carrington uses items from the Internet. His column a couple weeks ago was about too much thinking.
Someone has been doing a lot of thinking as these statements testify:
I was thinking about how the status symbols of today are those mini-photos that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people don’t like me anyway.
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease . . . That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see my cat’s litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it’s for company."
Why do they put pictures of criminals in the post office? What are we supposed to do? Write to these people? Why don’t they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They are cramming for their finals.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The coroner tells the inspector: "First body is a 72-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won $1,000 dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, Norwegian from North Dakota, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Don said: "I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’ ".

Leave a Comment