Sunday, January 13, 2013

Dear NRA

Dear National Rifle Association Leadership,

Public policy has its practical considerations and the Matron would like to voice hers.   She appreciates the NRA's thoughtful reflection and recommendation that teachers carry guns.  As a worker on the ground, she has a few questions.

First, does teacher carrying guns extend to the college level?   She wonders about the distinctions between state, private, and community colleges if it does.    Once that's settled, the Matron has a pressing question about job classification:  do adjunct professors carry firearms or only tenured faculty?   Or tenure track?  

If you're a substitute teacher at a public elementary school, is there a separate licensing procedure for the one-in-a-while arming?

Let's say that all gets settled.

The Matron wonders about wardrobe.  Now, this may seem middling to the powers that be, but she is talking practical application.  The Matron takes her wardrobe seriously.

She cannot be alone as the tiny sort.    A slim figure, she can't imagine 'carry and conceal.'  So she's assuming any armed intruder would be fully aware that the Matron is fully loaded during Introduction to Composition.

Will she have a holster?    That would do, as long as the holster comes in different colors -- to match her shoes.

If she carries a semiautomatic perhaps a backpack would be better.  She assumes there's training in navigating between the back and instant firing.

Could the Matron be allowed something with a "mother of pearl" handle?  She has no idea what that means but like the feel of the phrase.  Considering the hard-thought criteria, thus far, for teacher-gunslingers, she thinks that's a legitimate question.

The Matron is also concerned about an unforeseen recent development.

Merrick:  "Mom!  Now that teachers get to carry guns, I might be a teacher. S.W.A.T. guy or teacher!!"


The Matron now wonders about her colleagues:  what are the hiring criteria?    Acumen with a gun or the intellect?  

Will the Matron receive training, professional development, and refresher courses in weaponry?  She hopes so.  It is hard for her to open a pickle jar so she has some concerns about her ability to flip from sentence construction to weaponry.

Speaking of which, what laws apply to her gun?    Perhaps the weapon remains on campus.   If not, she brings the gun home every night?  

Merrick would love that.

The mother, however, wonders if she will also drive home with the gun, secure the gun at night, give it to her secretary at the end of the day, throw it in the garbage . . . or what?  This seems like a particularly important issue as she imagines getting pulled over for speeding with a 45 in her pocket.

Thank you, NRA, for your timely and personal response.


The Matron

PS:  May she color coordinate everything to her shoes.  Boy, she hopes that's in her union contract.