Solving Life's Mysteries

It happened yesterday. The raccoon raided our sweet corn patch during the night and ruined most of the ears I had planned to pick and freeze today.

So, how do raccoons know the precise moment to demolish one’s garden? Do they take turns scouting it on reconnaissance missions? It looked like a whole platoon of them trashed the corn stalks.

That led me to ponder more of life’s deep questions—like the ones below.

  • Why does the slice of bread you drop, land butter-side down?

  • Why does your mother-in-law come the day the dog threw up on the carpet and you didn’t put away the clean laundry?

  • Why does your three-year-old wait until you have dressed her in snowsuit, mittens, boots and hat…and then tell you she has to go to the bathroom?

  • Why does the nasty roach that came in the potato bag, decide to crawl across the floor when you have company?

  • Why do your clothes mysteriously shrink between Thanksgiving and Christmas?

  • Why does the phone always ring when you’re taking a nap?

  • Why does the person holding the barbed wire fence for you, suddenly get a bee in his ear?

  • Why does the child sitting next to you in church, have radar that tells him you have one last piece of gum in your purse, and he asks for it the day you have roadkill breath?

  • Why do you break a fingernail the day you leave the clippers on the bathroom sink?

  • Why does your friend at work bring a luscious dessert the day after you tell everyone you’re going on a diet?

  • Why does a man buy a suit with two pairs of pants, then burn a hole in the jacket?

  • Why does your neighbor’s dog sniff you in embarrassing places when you come to his door?

  • Why does the baby mess his pants and throw up on you as you’re going out the door, late for an appointmen

  • Why do men’s shirts shrink around the collar as soon as they break them out of the cellophane?

As you can see, life is full of unexplained mysteries. I’m looking for the person who can answer most of the above—because I want to ask him/her who built Stonehenge.