Everybody Poops. Except.

Posted on January 15, 2021


The most significant factor in all of human history has been the humble poop. When prehistoric man went into the woods to shit, he was unaware that the tiny seeds contained in his feces would become the catalyst for the growth of plants. Over time, the seeds sprouted and began to grow. Then, one day when early man returned to his favorite place of elimination, we was stunned to see a clump of edibles flourishing there. Being the large-brained form of life that he was, he soon made a connection between feces and food. And, being the large-brained-but-terminally-foolish form of life that he also was, he then went back to the cave and defecated in front of everyone to show them what he discovered.

The occupants of the cave did not appreciate the presentation of his discovery. They battered him with clubs and women yelled at him that he must have been raised by wolves and that he better not bring his shit into their home if he ever expected a date. He never spoke of his discovery again. It took a long time after that for someone else to re-discover the poop-food connection and present it in a way that would be far more palatable to the rest of the clan. Hence, the advent of agriculture. Agriculture then became the catalyst for civilization, which then became the catalyst for chain stores all over the world.

Archaeological remains indicate that dung was used as a building material and fuel for fire, uses that live on today in less industrialized parts of the world, along with fumigation to eliminate insect infestations. Before the invention of streaming, early humans enjoyed recreational cow “chip” throwing, a past time that exists today in parts of the world that don’t yet have bars and nude dancing establishments. Scythians, a central Eurasian nomadic people who were around from about the 9th century BC up until the 4th century AD, used poison arrows “tainted with a mixture of viper venom, viper corpses, human blood, and shit.”

Poop was also the catalyst for modern medicine, since it was readily available and, unlike, blood, didn’t need any sophisticated equipment to extract. Early doctors examined stool and made predictions about people’s health. Fecal transplants (yes, true), in which sick people were injected with the stool of healthy people, have been used since at least fourth-century China.

In modern times, poop has been used as a weapon by whites in our caste system, to exclude blacks. The fundamental right of a human being to defecate in a public bathroom was deemed a while privilege. Bathrooms were designated “Whites Only” or “No Colored.” Black people had to fend for themselves. Maids in white households often had to eliminate elsewhere. Even black employees of businesses were not allowed to use the official bathrooms.

The Royal Family of the US (as they affectionately refer to each other), not to be outdone, have also weaponized poop. The president’s beloved elder daughter and her consort have resided in a mansion in Washington DC that boasted seven bathrooms. All seven were designated as Royal Bathrooms. Because of their high status, Ivanka and Jared were afforded Secret Service protection. Also, because of their high status, they deemed only themselves to be worthy of the use of the seven bathrooms.

But the Kushners, for all their wealth and privilege, were still mere mortals. They had issues like everyone else. They were both the offspring of felons (one convicted, one not). They were both dissatisfied with their looks (cosmetic surgery came to the rescue). They were surrounded by Secret Service men who were in occasional need of pooping. Clearly, even with a full staff of maids, presumably versed in the cleaning of toilets, the Kushners didn’t want the lower caste Secret Service guys to sully their toilets with their lower caste poop.

Secret Service guys are well-trained in protecting the lives of those they serve. But their training didn’t include how to devote all of their energy to protecting someone when their bowels were shrieking. Various methods were attempted. The first was the installation of a porta potty outside the house. Neighbors went wild. After the porta potty was removed, Secret Service agents used the bathroom of the garage of the house rented by Barack and Michele Obama. Yet this solution, too, was short-lived after a Secret Service supervisor from the Trump/Kushner detail left an unpleasant mess in the Obama bathroom at some point before the fall of 2017. That prompted the leaders of the Obama detail to ban the agents up the street from ever returning. Secret Service has its standards.

The agents’ next possibility was to begin driving a mile to Pence’s home at the Naval Observatory, where they were allowed to use a bathroom in a stand-alone guard station. Eventually, the Secret Service started renting a neighbor’s basement studio so agents could relieve themselves. So their elimination issue became a $3,000-a-month solution, compliments of taxpayer dollars. Think of it as $3000 a month to make sure that only the exalted behinds of the Trump-Kushners could touch the toilet seats in their homes.

A lot of thoughts come up about this. One is that it’s fascinating that many of Trump’s fiercest followers truly believe that Trump is one of them, that he has their back, that he respects them. Trump raised his daughter to revere the same values that he has, specifically to be the loyal, caring citizen of a world of one. It might be interesting, in some fantasy universe, to have some of his dearest Red State supporters come knocking at the front door of Mar-a-Lago, asking to use the bathroom.

Another thought is that the Kushner mansion has maids, gardeners, etc working there. Presumably, these folks all have to poop occasionally. Where do they go? Are they all scrambling behind bushes on the grounds? Is there a secret tunnel leading from Kushnerville to some 7-Eleven with a bathroom? Do they have agreements with the employees of houses nearby?

In their imminent exit from the White House, the entire Trump Family Universe has now gobbled up vast real estate in Florida. The Kushners bought an entire raw parcel of land (no house yet) for 30 million dollars on Indian Creek Island near Miami. The island is dubbed “Billionaire’s Bunker.” The parcel is 1.8 acres and comes with 200 feet of waterfront. The island has it’s own police force. When their mansion is built, it will need a lot of staff. A word of caution to anyone applying for a position: Bring sunglasses so as not to be blinded by the majesty of the people you will be serving. And plenty of diapers. Many, many diapers.

Posted in: politicians, politics