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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Host and the World’s First Quadrangle Love Story Involving Jellyfish Aliens and Voice Overs

April 9, 2013

The Host movie poster


The Host is the intensely dramatic story of a race of jellyfish aliens who inhabit bodies in hopes of making them peaceful. These jellyfish just so happen to inhabit a strong willed girl and a romantic quadrangle occurs between two dudes, an alien, and a voice over. The four of them bond in a secret cave where a pony tailed William Hurt grows oats. Eventually, a seeker with ridiculous cheek bones hunts them down unnecessarily.

The Host Dianne Kruger


The jellyfish aliens invaded Earth because they felt that humans were too self destructive. So, they took over populace’s bodies and their human hosts eventually lose their souls. These aliens were annoyed that we were killing each other so they kill us all off. Thus, self righteous aliens use a thin excuse to kill everybody in the name of peace. Did I mention that The Host is bonkers? Andrew Niccol’s directed it and it makes his last film In Time (another BMT entry) seem decent by comparison. It makes you wonder how the same man could have directed Gattaca and write The Truman Show.  Niccol also was able to coax a superb performance from Nicolas Cage in Lord of War. However, he couldn’t make this a good film. There are moments when you understand the world and appreciate several aspects like the nice aliens, free tins of food, unnecessarily silver cars and blue contacts.

The Host Ronan


Stephanie Myer wrote the book and from what I’ve gathered the creators of the movie tried to cram a huge book into a single odd film. The results are disjointed scenes, lots of sulking and incoherent storytelling. It made Peter Jackson’s decision to turn The Hobbit into three films seem brilliant.

I’m pretty certain there is a story that could have worked but once it gets bogged down into the love quadrangle it becomes unintentionally hilarious. The girl whose body was inhabited loves Jared and the alien starts to like Ian. So, this 1,000 year old jellyfish starts liking a dude who happens to be the friend of the guy who loves the inhabited girl. The problem is that Jared wanted to kill the alien but is conflicted once he learns the soul inside is still alive. However, Ian and the alien like each other so Ian wants the thing to live which he knows is bad because the girl’s soul is still alive in the alien. They solve this problem by finding a dead girl and putting the jellyfish into another body. Basically, envision two hours of this.

The Host Jake Abel

The Host max irons


The Host is bonkers. It makes zero sense, Saoirse Ronan (Hanna, Atonement) is wasted and the Guinness world record of pouty faces smashed. My fiancee read the book and kinda enjoyed it. She said it was in no way good but it told a somewhat logical story about alien jellyfish. About two thirds of the way after a very dramatic moment involving the human soul arguing with the alien my fiancee voiced a noise that can best be described as “pfffttt.” Even when you know the story will be bad you are still surprised by the badness of this film.

When walking out of the theater I had a smile on my face because the whole thing becomes kinda funny. The ineptitude becomes charming because it goes beyond bad and into a wonderful head scratching territory. Every other moment you will mutter words like “huh” and “what?” Sometimes confusingly bad films are wonderful because they raise a lot of questions and make you laugh.

The Host is not good. The Host is kinda funny, The Host features jellyfish aliens.

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